PeoplesProblems Logo

Marriage

Default profile image
Relationship advice Wife cant make up her mind about her marriage

Marriage

Default profile image
In what ways? Need some specifics.

Marriage

Default profile image
Sbe says o loves the same as she did the first time we met but then she says
I need time to be with mi family. But in 6 months we see if i mo e back in

Marriage

Default profile image
Didnt get wat u mean by that

Marriage

Default profile image
Sry she says she. Loves me and she needs to takes 6 months to move in with her mom and dad cause they need her help but wants to still see each other untill she decides if she wants to be married anymore

Marriage

Default profile image
Need her help WHY and WITH WHAT? Is she justified in saying that/are they justified in asking her or do you suspect this is her way of getting to be "on a break" in order to check (either just in her head or by dating around) whether you really are the best man for her?

Marriage

Default profile image
Her parents are very controling of her we haven been togather 15 her and every time thi.gs go good for us her mother get jealous and need her help she cant clean her house she barh her dogs they dont have enough money daddy sick agin and if he dies they dont want her to be alone. Her mother gave her up when she was3 and didnt get her back till she. Was 12 just in time to take care of the new baby. Her mo.s just doesnt want her happy cause she ant

Marriage

Default profile image
(Okay, not looking like a bid to cheat. Just wanted to check.)

From what you've said, it sounds like your wife understandably has unresolved issues, and possibly her mother as well, what with both having missed out on the more normal quality and tenure of daughter-mother relationship. This isn't that uncommon a case, actually.

Her daddy's ill, you say. (And I note you call him daddy but her mother, indicating your lack of fondness for the latter.) I suspect he was the controller and road-block behind the split and that now, with him somewhat out of the way and unable to assert his "authoritah", mother and daughter have silently conspired to grab at the rare opportunity to make up for the past and what they were both denied (or in her mother's case, possibly, was FORCED to deny herself). It's not unusual for a wife to present publicly an attitudinal cohesion with her husband's "my way or the highway" world view, to the point where everyone's convinced it's a case of TWO overbearing and overdominant types when, really, often it's that or get 'punished', whether physically or emotionally.

If this is the case then your wife was never strictly qualified to get married when she did. She wasn't ready because her very self foundation was incomplete, as in, how can you furnish and decorate a house if you're not even sure you have a good enough sight and comprehension of its rooms due to having a ruddy great floater in your vision? Don't get me wrong - as far as she'd been concerned she was; she was done with it/it was done with her, and, anyway, wasn't ever likely to get the opportunity of re-doing the missing chunk of that aspect of her life so...may as well proceed regardless or literally in spite of it.

This - parentless/incompleted childhood development - would have been the basis on and from which you and she bonded and progressed to husband and wife. So of course, if ones very foundation looks likely to be rebuilt, it calls whatever got built atop it into question - whether the 'house' can be removed and preserved on the side then re-erected onto the new and improved foundation, and it's this, I think, that's making your wife feel incapable of making any cast-iron promises with any bona fide sincerity, because - "what if?". But that would be a good sign in terms of her intrinsic character because at least she doesn't issue promises on selfish impulse without anything concrete to back them up with, whereby it counts as dangling you on a string.

As for her mother: knowing 'the umbilicus' isn't that strong and elastic and could snap, thereby not trusting its pull, it's understandable under those circumstances that she'd panic whenever wife seemed overly backed-off (when you and she are content and engrossed in your own life) as might then come across to you as being jealousy.

Now, suddenly,... Things have definitely changed and by a huge, un-ignorable amount. Suddenly, they really need her. And if she's constantly, increasingly got 'something' they badly need they're in a position where they (or just mum) are more likely to start ANSWERING OVERDUE, DIFFICULT, AND PAINFUL QUESTIONS.

She can't be a wife *and* a 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12-year-old, can she. Okay, the re-enactments (or, their case just enactments) will get super-condensed and speeded-up, but you might still be talking a good few years, depending on her personality and intelligence, that of her mother, how "low-maintenance" his illness will keep him, and every other uncontrollable, unforeseeable element involved. There again, you know her best. So, going by her track record, does your wife know herself well enough to make her 'guesstimate' of 6 months an accurate one?

What's your financial status? Do you have room at the marital home for her mum and dad? Or room in your garden for a granny annexe?

It's up to you whether and how understanding you wish to be, because, being realistic, anyone could be justified in saying it's unacceptable for ones wife to request a sabbatical without at least giving her partner any guarantee of return per se.

Or do you think she mentioned possibly not returning at all just as a bat-back due to your arguing too much against the idea of her going to live at her parents even for c. 6 months, as in, 'well, if THAT's your attitude I might not come back AT ALL, then!'?

I would also expect her to be angrier than usual, that possibly getting mis-directed at you, because, think about it - now, suddenly, she has a bit of power and it's SAFE to open the lid of that Pandora's Box and start to feel and express it.

Any of that going PING! in your mind or at least making some sense? Obviously I've had to use the bog-standard, coupled with reading deeply between the lines as my yardstick in the face of so little data. But - any of it fitting in your particular case?

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-1