Confused

I have recently accidentally found my wife as an aka phone number reported, new jeans with the pockets torn out at the bottom big enough to get my hands through them and she said they were that way when we bought them, but she is very particular about clothes, I left a voice activated tape recorder at home in my absence and now have both she and another mans voice that I can't recognize and she won't tell me who it is. We have been married for 36 yrs. and she say's that she has never been unfaithful, won't seek counseling, does not want to talk about it and gets mad every time I mention it?

she can not just turn away from some obvious fact/proof of her being in the house with another man : that is just pure denial - no relation can grow on denial : she has to come clean if she gets mad each time you want to talk - again that's a sign of denial : it seems to me it's not so much about denying you the information (though of course it is) then it is her denying herself the need to face the facts - to face the truth - maybe she's not "proud" of what's going on tell her you want to give her some time to get clear with herself about what she is doing and for which there is proof - and then ask her to come and explain herself to you : in any relation one ows to the other honesty and truth

As Dynamics pointed out, she is in extreme denial at every turn. Growing up we would catch raccoons with tin foil at the bottom of an aluminum can and baling wire with minimal tension on it. Coons love shinny things and would reach in to grab the foil and would spring the trap. The wire would catch their paw against the edge of the can and they hoot and holler like you wouldn't believe (didn't hurt them, just surprise). All the stubborn thing had to do to get out was let go of the foil and he could pull out his paw and run away. But they don't let go of the things they steal and "get caught with". Instead they get caught and punished for their greed and stubbornness. Your wife is the raccoon with the wire loop around her wrist. She's pulling at that loop and fighting every time you try to help her, because she refuses to let go of her secrets, when really it's just garbage tin foil. She's not going to let go until she's ready, which isn't in some people's nature. Give her time because you didn't marry a raccoon, you married a woman you love and want to be with. Give her every opportunity to make it right, but be willing, should the time come, to cut the wire and let her have the tin foil. At the same time be the bigger person and don't try to get back at her, but do distance yourself some. You both need breathing room and rabbies isn't a fun disease to contact.