24 yr old female needs help how to discuss rules in our first place together
So after about 3 years of being together, we are moving into a new house. There are 2 main things I need to discuss with him about our new place: Certain people being allowed over, and how long someone can stay the night.
I'm willing to negotiate/compromise since he is wonderful and I want to be fair.
I tend to get stressed out and grumpy when people have over-stayed their welcome, and for me that is when they are staying the night for more than 3 nights in a row. Idk if this is considered common, or if I'm just impatient or claustrophobic? We have a friend who lives far away and is a part of my BF's music project, so i understand them wanting to practice as much as they can, but since he either gets dropped of by his dad or takes the bus (he is unable to drive) he tends to stay for a whole damn WEEK. Nothing personal since he is also my friend, but I can't handle having someone over at my house for that long unless it's my BF or a roommate! It hasn't been an issue since this usually happens at my BFs house, but if we are going to live together, this is one of the things we'll have to negotiate.
Now this is the more important one, certain people im uncomfortable having in my home. We dont have alot of drama in our life, mostly same friends, and I am tolerant and accepting of soe of his friends that i don't really click with. He wants to get their music project together more, and there is a 3rd person in it, and he is another one of our dear friends, however his GF is one of the most excruciating people to be around, not just because of how ignorant, inconsiderate and overbearing she is, but she is also pretty good manipulator and tries to fool everyone into thinking she's the victim. She also is a delusional racist (she is willfully ignorant) about 2 years ago me and my roommates at the time already decided she was a toxic person not allowed in our home (i would explain through events, but it would make it too easy to trace back to me).
I want my SO to have his band mates over, just not for a whole fucking week, and definitely can't bring his gf to our house. It's tricky because there is no easy way to tell someone they are welcome, but they can't bring their SO because she is not. My BF doesn't really care much for her, either, but i understand that he just puts up with it to see his friend.
I've even thought about confronting the girl about her actions just so we can move on and clear the tension, but from witnessing something similar when my roommates tried to, she is just gonna make it out we are cornering/atacking her like she is a victim of some sort and just make shit worse.
I want my SO to have his friends over, but not for too long, and i want them to all be able to see each other and practice. It's alittl embarssing to admit, but if she came to my house, i would literally have to find and take a chill pill or have somebody come pick me up from my own house... I want us to be happy, but not at the expense of my sanity or comfort.
simple : say what you want and what you will go by - and what not
black-white - yes-no - it is your house and you have a right to feel ok there : so put down the rules - especially for the toxic person for whom it is a definite NO - her bf will then see how he wants to handle it : that is not your problem