Lost my smile

I am married to a pastor with two children. together him and I have one. all of them are my baby's. Each was born with a disability problem that I discovered along the way of there life. As well I had 2 miscarriages that I did not get to grieve over. life began to move very quickly for the church. By the way I Also had a teenager who was preparing for college. foster kid Boi mom passes. During all of this I am trying to figure out my path in life. The whoa do whom I want to be. Because as a child at 15 yrs old I was raped and I had dreams and goals to wanting to become this great singer. But some where it cot lost. Because I begin to help other get the there dreams. I covered my pain behind a smile until I got diagnosis with diebetises and other health issues.that just kept going . Because I had my mirical child it gave me hope to still press towards my dreams but the more I tried the more all the people I helped got upset and angry because my focuse was no longer on them or I was not doing what they needed or wanted. More negative things keep happening and my smile perminately faded away. I wanted it back so badly. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make everyone happy such as my family and myself. Cause I don't want to lose them. There are amazing

Hello, I am sincerly sorry for your state. But i think it is important to think about yourself in life. Don't ride on the dreams of others... Chase your own kite.. Your focus CANNOT always be on others.. There is always time to search yr meaning of life. But you need to expose yourself to the real world for that. I think covering your pain can only be a temporary solution. You need to share your feelings with a loved one. Like your husband. Take care of your children.. I think they should be your top priority at the moment . You have gone through a lot of pain in life.. But the life to come can be different. Its in your hands to make that change. And im confident that a person as strong as you can do it!