35 weeks pregnant and heartbroken
SHELLYXM86 - Aug 19 2016 at 14:10
This is some story so ill try and keep it brief, Back to the start. My ex and father to my 3 children ages 12,11 and 8 i had been with him since i was 17 and for 12 years, id say we grew apart but there was things that happened within our relationship that added to the breakdown, he kissed my sister pretty early on and nothing was ever the same again, although we went on to have my current youngest child. The last few years of that relationship were not good, i was not happy and i dare say he wasn't either. So June 2013, i started talking to this man on a phone app at random, at first i wasn't interested it wasnt right, but then i thought its only chat, conversation something i wasnt getting at home. He told me that he had a little 3 year old girl and was broken up with her mother ( he lived over the border) we continued to chat daily for a couple of months and although deep inside i knew it was wrong my side it was stimulating and we had so much in common. September he had me agree to meet him, he travelled up but on the day i couldnt do that, it was bad enough engaging with this mans conversation but to meet him would be wrong going out y way to lie and possibly physically cheat. He seemed absolutely fine with the fact i didnt show, september still and his wife told him she was pregnant with twins so she moved back in, i was like thats good yous are making a go of it etc, we continued to talk daily he was my friend and my distraction from the life i wasnt happy with (wrong i know) but i couldnt help myself, i tried to , i cut contact with him for months at a time, i remember him sending me pics of the babies when they were born. But i always went back to chatting to him..like i couldnt help myself. The months went by and the chatting continued on and off, off when my head would say this is wrong and on when my heart would crave his chat, Summer of 2014 my gran almost died and this man was here for me, my own partner wasnt there in the way he should have been, but i was still in turmoil knowing i shouldnt be talking to this man, By Jan 2015 our talking had become much more, i felt a bond to this man and he said the same, we chatted to the small hours of the morning, we talked on the phone and we even camera chatted on skype, it actually felt like during they skype chats i wanted nothing more than to reach out to him, smell him, feel him, i felt like i loved him. I wasnt even sleeping with my partner and he said he wasnt sleeping with her either , our relationships were done, mines certainly had been for years. We split in June 2015, and very shorty after id agreed to meet this man, i had to see what or who he was to me, and did i love him? He was everything id ever imagined and more, i fell head over heels and i loved him so very much, more than i ever loved anybody my whole life, i gave him all of me, he left his wife in August of 2015 and they both agreed it was the best thing, while he had his flat down there i visited many times and he would come up here every other weekend, until in Jan 2016 i found out i was pregnant , he moved in with me fully by march 2016. My kids really liked him, and i was so in love , he was everything my ex wasnt, the compliments, the way he would look at me touch me the things he would say to me made me weak...But there was this other side to him, he was quite controlling and i would often back down in arguments as he made be believe it was my anxiety that was causing me to be neurotic and obsessive , but there was things that my gut was telling me were not right, i couldnt shift it, so i checked his emails regular, found him looking for a roomshare, found him looking for storage, found him making his overdraft bigger he either denied or had excuses which i took believing my anxiety was to blame. One thursday he was at work and we argued by text, he didnt come home till 11pm that night ( he was clearing his head) the next morning before he went to work i checked his emails, he had on the thursday night made a Pleanty Of Fish account ...instead of challenging him i myself made and account up and spoke to him undercover, i sent him pictures fAKE to a new email address he had made up, id noticed that work clothes and shoes of his were missing that morning too, so i lied to get him home, telling him i was ill and bleeding needing to go to the hospital, it took him 4h to get home from work to me and he never answered all my texts but was still talking to the fake me on POF! He never denied any of it but told me it was to prove to me that i was being obsessive towards him and he was going to tell me.. The clothes apparently he has no idea about but when i questioned him he took all his things and left in a proper rage...That was 4 weeks ago now.. I chased and begged him like a child to come back to me, begged him to talk to me , i agreed that it was all my fault all in my head and i had myself referred to mental health, id do anything to get him back i love him so much and the pain is unbearable, we spoke and spent 5 scattered days together where we even had sex, everything was normal except he wasnt ready to come home, because me and my behavior had broken him...it was always one step forward 6 steps back. The more time i was apart from him the more time id had to think, my anxiety wasnt that bad....if he loved me surely hed be there for me? i didnt need mental help, he was trying to make me believe i was off my head, he was manipulating me , emotionally abusing me??? so wrapped up in loving him i failed to notice? Few days ago he told me to cut all ties with him and basically didnt want anything to do with me or baby. Im heartbroken, feel like my heart will literally explode, ive lost 10lbs and im 35 weeks pregnant. No help financially either, just its all my fault and i need help, But clothes just dont vanish out the house or shoes, he tried to say someone came in my back door and took them without me seeing them>? I was prepared to allow him to think i believed him to get him back. Was he really trying to make me believe i was off my head?? This man i loved? I cant get him out my head, he has consumed my thoughts for 3 years from the good mornings to the goodnights before i even met him, surely he loved me? Thats what i said to my mum, how could he pretend that he did so well? i felt like the most special person ever, But hes had these two years of chat to be exactly who i needed him to be? was it all lies? Will he actually walk away from his son? was he truly trying to emotionally abuse me and because i had questions used my anxiety exaggerated X100 to get out? Why wont he come back to me? does he have someone else? It wasnt just his ex wife he left with a note he also left the woman before her the same way, not that i knew that.. Do i really know him? forgot to add, he has made no real effort to see his kids from Ex because in his eyes ex was trying to controll the situation. what hope do i have? want to wake up one morning and hate him, im heartbroken never felt this pain before and its not even physical hurt, broken promises and too much pillow talk, I feel worthless , will i ever be able to give that amount of love to another again? who will want me ? single mum to 4? I cant believe it and some mornings i dont even want to wake up....Cant help but feel though like its a big pile of KARMA and i deserve this because of what we did...we have exchanged a few conversations by text but run of the mill normal . if he asked to talk to me , truth is im weak and probably would! dont know where to go from here.. im lost hurt and emotional beyond belief. 4 weeks on Tuesday my boy is due...what a mess....feel like this void is in me that ill never ever get over....
Should have stated that im in the UK, ill survive just fine until i can go back to work... And do you know what? its easy for you to say move on from emotional to reality but when you truly love a person its the hardest thing in the world to do, to be truly heart broken, and pregnant they hormones alone are a lot to cope with, You do not have to tell me what my children are witnessing im here i see it, but believe me they all excel in school and everything they do, They thought of how can i ever love someone like i did him are not the way you describe them to be, but rather a fear of never being capable of loving again.... or giving so much again..thats NOT me thinking of moving on its just the things that go through your mind when your heartbroken, Im not angry yet because im still too busy being hurt..this is the worst pain ive ever felt physiologically, emotionally and its taking its tole physically too. My children come first and always will do. Hes only got his kids to his Ex , not the woman before. Its the hardest thing ever to think that the person you thought you had this special bond with and the love of your life ..was all lies? im still at not believing that and how can it be? I cane here for support and maybe a little bit of " you stupid cow" but not to be told things i already know or people insinuating things that aint true, i wanted people with similar experiences to tell me how they coped...to help me..