Unable to let go of an abusive hurtful relationship

Ok, this is hard to do. First time I share my issues out in the open. I have been in a 12 year relationship and have 2 kids. My at this moment X husband has done horrible things to me during the 12 years. I cant think of many happy times but tehre has too be if I stayed so long. He has cheated, verbal abuse, mental abuse, physical abuse and aafter 12 years of all this he decided he was leaving cause he never planed on spending the rest of his life with me. we have left eachother many times and the last 3x's has been cause he is sleeping around and thinks he wants the current person he is messing with. He used to care about helping me support our kids and worked and helped and acted like he cared and woul dactually say he loved me and would cry forgivness and I would always forgive, why cause I loved him and always wanted to think of a million things to excusse his actions. But the last 4 years have been the worst. This is when the cheating and not careing to hide it has started. He has said horrible things to me, and has left teh home to go have a relationship with others. Yet when things dont go teh way he wanted he comes back w the Im sorry I want to change and that lasts a month or 2 and the abuse starts. He stoped caring to be a dad, he would not help financialy he sat around drinking and getting high and spending all the time he had free out getting drunk. Had no problem being a jerk to the kids and the abuse on me got worse. I tried so hard to help him to give him love and treat him like a king to see if it would make him realize he was wrong. Nope it made his life easier to do what he wanted and still 2 weeks ago I found out he had started cheating on me again. And again im at fault cause I treated him liek a king and he is tired of my love. He stoped caring about our kids for a while now. To start with he was never a good example of a father he had no time or love for them unless I brought it up and would fight about it. Well now he decided I was not worth it and the person he has been cheating on me with is what he wants. He now expects the kids to make time for him. THe kids are scared and feel so much anger twords him and all his actions. I moved back with my mother to help me deal with all this. I have been the one holding our home up. taking care of my kids doing both jobs in their life. And I love them more than anything and that keeps me going. But why am I so hurt, why cant I let go of him. He hurt me and my kids so much. I loved this man more than I loved my self and now I cant seem to beat depression and im a mess. I have been avoiding his calls afraid to hear more abuse. I see his calls and my hear hurts. I mena nothing to him, yet after everything I still feel love for him. How do i stop feeling so much pain and let go of this pain. Please advise me cause I know i have been so stupid but it is horrible sadness and pain.

I probably can t help you but I totally understand you I am in the same position - see keeps hurting me post. I am so unhappy but cling to him and he does me some times. How many times have you left him?

Take this to a therapist and do some work on yourself before getting involved with another guy. Dump this one. Important key phrases to evaluate: I would always forgive I loved him and always wanted to think of a million things to excusse his actions treat him like a king I love them more than anything and that keeps me going But why am I so hurt, why cant I let go of him. He hurt me and my kids so much. I loved this man more than I loved my self Work on these things in therapy and you will come to a better understanding for \\\\\\\"But why am I so hurt, why cant I let go of him.\\\\\\\" Keep avoiding his calls while you work on yourself; you gotta get some priorities straight and learn to take care of yourself more and protect yourself better. Only after that bring another man into your life. Another one, not this one. Good luck.