Cross border couples from warring countries

Do the couples in similar situation feel this way? I am going to ask this question quite a number of times during the course of this conversation. Yes conversation. Let me tell u a bit about me and my spouse and then the various situations I have been facing. Me (A family) and my spouse (B Family) are from 2 countries who met in a third country. We fell in Love and gotten married against the wishes of at least one side of the family. We were well mature adults in our 30s. Family A did not accept at all and family B side may have been accepting due to religion change, otherwise acceptance seemed to be only on the superficial level. Although I have to say that within the family B there seemed to be a bit more acceptance than just superficial, so whenever we meet Family B, they all come over to see me. Family A though talks with me still has not accepted my spouse as my life partner. They simply don’t accept it as a marriage and also since due to political warring between the 2 countries even more non acceptance and I don’t blame them. Whenever I have visited Family A it’s like the hair on the back of neck kind of stands up feeling always being followed or watched maybe my paranoia however that is me. Have not felt that much of this feeling when we visit Family B in my spouses country. Do the couples in similar situation feel this way? Paranoia of being watched or followed when you visit either of the countries. Another major Issue is Visa. Getting Visa is huge problem in one country as compared to the other. I am 50 Plus and my parents and 75 plus. So do I need to get a reason to visit. Sometimes I have to get medical note from doctors to be able to tell the visa officers that I need to visit them and then they give a short one entry visa. What do they think we are spies? We are normal people leading normal lives and I cannot visit my family and my parents without literally fighting with the Visa officers. And for my spouse it is altogether a different story. My spouse has to wait for 6 months before a clearance comes from my country for visiting. This is complete harassment. On the other hand Visa to my spouse’s country is fairly lenient and I have visited that country often. Do the couples in similar situation fee this way? Read on if you wish. Friends and acquaintances in the third country which we call our home. As soon as you are introduced to your spouse’s friends and family and let them know that you have taken on their religion, they congratulate you warmly (?) and say what a great thing this is, what a lovely story a love match etc. While we were younger, I used to be pleased with this. However by and by I realized that these very people don’t call on you or visit you or invite you to their homes any longer. The warmth we thought was there is not there or was not there it was superficial. On the other hand when my parents refer me that such and such friend is in your area do give them a call connect with them etc. I do. And as soon as they know about the religion change and from the “other” country. On the face or first call they say as long as you are happy it is good for you, and then they are gone and don’t answer my calls any more and even when I tried to meet, they make excuses. Do the couples in similar situation feel this way? Still here? Okay a few more words Well I would like to hear about your experiences if any such things are happening to other couples in similar situation. So may times we have wished these countries to join each other like Germany and break that Berlin wall between these 2 countries OR at least end the years old feud like England and France. Can these 2 countries not be friends? SO Do the couples in similar situation feel this way?

Hi and sorry for the long delay! Forum regulars are too thin on the ground at the moment. It is a free-for-all public forum of the traditional/old-fashioned variety, though, so, according to how it's supposed to work, please would you post a reply or two (your impressions/opinion/advice or sympathy - or just say Hi and that you're taking an interest in their problem!) to the other thread-creators who are sat waiting with you? (And note this same message is going to all of you.) Once our regulars, including myself, are in a position to, they'll no doubt contribute as well. Thanks! Soulmate

So sorry, SENSE - been ill - and others have obviously wanted to leave this one for me as well so...let's see what it's all about... (Not reading ahead, just taking it para by para and no peeking...) "Do the couples in similar situation feel this way? I am going to ask this question quite a number of times during the course of this conversation. Yes conversation." Oo-er - aren't YOU masterful! Haha! "Let me tell u a bit about me and my spouse and then the various situations I have been facing." Well, that's the general idea of what you do here, anyway, yes (haha, I don't know why but you're making me giggle). "Me (A family) and my spouse (B Family) are from 2 countries who met in a third country. We fell in Love and gotten married against the wishes of at least one side of the family." Which? A or B? And also - can you name the countries (it could have a contextual bearing?) Yes - name the countries. (Haha, couldn't resist, sorry...I'll try to serious-up.) "We were well mature adults in our 30s" So nobody had any right to object to begin with - got it. "Family A did not accept at all" (strike above question then). "... and family B side may have been accepting due to religion change, otherwise acceptance seemed to be only on the superficial level." Are you and your spouse same-gender? Or you mean, different religions/cultures? "Although I have to say that within the family B there seemed to be a bit more acceptance than just superficial, so whenever we meet Family B, they all come over to see me." Okay. "Family A though talks with me still has not accepted my spouse as my life partner." Tough Tittie for them, then. It's your life. ( Another poster's got this sort of problem - check out this thread called "Deciding to move in together amd telling religious parents about it": https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13572/Deciding-to-move-in-together-and-telling-religious-parents-about-it "They simply don’t accept it as a marriage and also since due to political warring between the 2 countries even more non acceptance and I don’t blame them." You're not talking Israeli - Palestinian, are you? Or Ukraine - Russia? Mind you, I suppose lately it could be anywhere! Please tell so I've got the full context cocktail? "Whenever I have visited Family A it’s like the hair on the back of neck kind of stands up feeling always being followed or watched" Woah! "maybe my paranoia however that is me. Have not felt that much of this feeling when we visit Family B in my spouses country." It's not Paranoia because that's when there's no outside sensory data, it's created purely in the protagonist's head/imagination/delusions. It's your Spidey Senses (go google) and learned tensing-up as you approach "der enemy" camp. Maybe you ARE being spied-on and watched? Let's find out... "Do the couples in similar situation feel this way? Paranoia of being watched or followed when you visit either of the countries." Oh, wait - I see - you mean because you're in that particular country? OH! Crikey... You sound over-vigilant...between them, the hostile situation/atmosphere on top of your family's hostility may have proven too much of a double-whammy for you. You EXPECT to be followed and watched. So do I take it this means, your government wouldn't approve of the love-match, either? If not, then you might be transferring some of your fear and dread of your family onto 'the establishment' in order to minimise the parent thing? Again, let's see... "Another major Issue is Visa. Getting Visa is huge problem in one country as compared to the other. I am 50 Plus and my parents and 75 plus. So do I need to get a reason to visit." Why would you? What happened to "reason for visiting: family/social" when you enter? "Sometimes I have to get medical note from doctors to be able to tell the visa officers that I need to visit them and then they give a short one entry visa. What do they think we are spies?" Ah, I see. "We are normal people leading normal lives and I cannot visit my family and my parents without literally fighting with the Visa officers." What a bloody drag! And then your family aren't collectively welcoming and accepting, to-boot! What a disincentive to visiting! "And for my spouse it is altogether a different story. My spouse has to wait for 6 months before a clearance comes from my country for visiting." Oh, for goodness' sake! "This is complete harassment." YES, IT IS. "On the other hand Visa to my spouse’s country is fairly lenient and I have visited that country often." Haven't you thought of phoning your local passport office or embassy to ask WHY? Usually, it's called, 'Shaking The Tree'...make it hassley enough so that those who don't actually HAVE to travel will give it a miss ("too much of a hassle!"). Equals - less traffic through passport control, customs, etc- equals less room to spot - what - terrorists? Or - taking advantage of the cover-excuse: just less staff equals less airport-running costs? (My money would be on the money.) "Do the couples in similar situation fee this way? Read on if you wish." I don't know, but - everyone did in Covid. Remember, we all had to bend backwards getting the Covid tests done 3 days prior to the flight and all the rest of it, including - I myself had to write an official invitation to my own adult child and partner before they could visit...AND they had to have 900 Euros each in their bank accounts, but couldn't just show Security a screenshot, it had to be a paper statement....on and on....same for the return flight. "Shaking The Tree" so that the time-wasters will gladly drop off but those with real need will hang on and suffer the huge qualifying slog. "Friends and acquaintances in the third country which we call our home. As soon as you are introduced to your spouse’s friends and family and let them know that you have taken on their religion, they congratulate you warmly (?) and say what a great thing this is, what a lovely story a love match etc. While we were younger, I used to be pleased with this. However by and by I realized that these very people don’t call on you or visit you or invite you to their homes any longer. The warmth we thought was there is not there or was not there it was superficial." Ah. Two-Faced, in other words. Mouth says one thing - incongruent behaviour or lack of, says another. "On the other hand when my parents refer me that such and such friend is in your area do give them a call connect with them etc. I do. And as soon as they know about the religion change and from the “other” country. On the face or first call they say as long as you are happy it is good for you, and then they are gone and don’t answer my calls any more and even when I tried to meet, they make excuses." Yep. Two-faced liars, then. What a bunch of cowards! "Do the couples in similar situation feel this way? Still here? Okay a few more words" (Hahaha!) (Leans closer into Sense-the-interviewer's microphone, keeping head down to avoid news camera...) Well, I can't comment as a couple in your situation, I can only imagine, using the available data combined with my logical extrapolation skills and - I imagine you're NOT the only one, yes. What DOESN'T make one "paranoid" or "on edge" and "eyeing everone and everything suspiciously" these days! So I wouldn't be surprised at all, despite maybe not present on this forum at this point, to say so. "Well I would like to hear about your experiences if any such things are happening to other couples in similar situation." Have you tried Googling or searching on YouTube, for example? "So may times we have wished these countries to join each other like Germany and break that Berlin wall between these 2 countries OR at least end the years old feud like England and France." Oh, yeah? Don't be fooled! They're just pretending to get on for once. Mind you - since Brexit, they hate Britons all over again. "Can these 2 countries not be friends?" Again, it would help to know WHICH countries (and cease worrying about being identified on here - you're an atomic needle in a univeral-sized haystack consisting of zillions and trillions of similar needles. Totally anonymous. Plus this is a record of your fears which, if turned out to be real, would count as evidence of your having sensed something coming (very unlikely, but if it makes you feel more secure to know?). So you're safe here, is my point. FREE-DOOOOMMMM! Say what you like. Especially as the way you put some things in English sound cute and amusing. :) Anyway.... "SO Do the couples in similar situation feel this way?"" As I personally can't say on that score.... ________________________________ ATTENTION ALL REGULARS AND VISITORS: ARE THERE ANY INTER-RELIGIOUS COUPLES WHOSE ROMANTIC PAIRING FEELS LIKE IT COULD BE IRRITATING OR THREATENING TO THEIR OR THEIR PARTNER'S OR ANY OTHER COUNTRY/GOVERNMENT'S SENSE OF NATIONAL OR RELIGIOUS/CULTURAL SECURITY, ENOUGH THAT THEY MIGHT GET SPIED-ON AND FOLLOWED ON ENTERING SAID COUNTRY? Does anyone think that's possible, that any country could have become that incredibily paranoid, down to that usually petty degree?

...actually, thinking about it - your relatives and his may NOT be cowards. They may be even more on-guard/"paranoid" than YOU, but just not confiding or showing it, and don't want to be seen socialising "with the Other Side", the enemy, in case their army/government starts looking closely at THEM? what do you think? Might THAT be everyone's REAL objection, rather than the religion thing? That would explain why you've been convinced they were friendly and approving - and really, they are! - but they aren't going to risk getting kidnapped in the middle of the night for the sake of you both. ?? Food for thought? Really, though, I need to know the countries (including the third, your new home).

I live in USA and I am from India and My spouse from Pakistan. ( love hate relationship between 2 countries like 2 siblings and honestly half the people say both countries should unite. and the other half does not , I say become friends) There you have it and yes if know anything about the game called as cricket we are on the opposite sides even after 20 years of marriage. My spouse says since we are married I should root for Pak and I say I am an Indian first. (though to be fair I don't blinking know which players belong to what country they all look same) So it is damn short of a nuclear war during cricket match time. (its a fun hoot actually). Just sharing an e.g There was this match between India and Pak and my m-in-law was kind of praying yes Pak should win and I dared her and she is spinning her rosary beads and I am laughing at her, my spouse is looking from one person to other not knowing whom to support but then country came first for my spouse too. AND you are right about my family (A) being on guard more than me. Makes sense and I may be get a double whammy sensing it that way. Thnx for your reply. I am looking more more couples in similar situation if they are having similar issues and that way then no social life at all. And yes I will check out the link u have in your reply.

Hope u are felling better. Should have asked before.

Be with you as soon as I can - keep bearing with!

Hey again! Short on time as usual so let's just dive in... "I live in USA and I am from India and My spouse from Pakistan. ( love hate relationship between 2 countries like 2 siblings and honestly half the people say both countries should unite. and the other half does not , I say become friends)" Ah, yes, I know what you're talking about now. "There you have it and yes if know anything about the game called as cricket we are on the opposite sides even after 20 years of marriage. My spouse says since we are married I should root for Pak and I say I am an Indian first. (though to be fair I don't blinking know which players belong to what country they all look same)" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! ARe you deliberately being satirically witty? 'They all look the same' - briliant!!! That's going to have me lauging long after tonight. In fact, I'll tell my friend at lunch tomorrow - she'll crack up, that's exactly her kind of humour (like Ricky Gervaise and Jimmy Carr). If it was deliberately - keep it up! If it wasn't - christ, girl - learn to harness it, for god's sake. That is Stand-Up Artist-grade! Including the 'blinking' bit. Haven't heard that word for YEARS! I used to say it myself, a lot. Anyhoo, chuckling onwards... "So it is damn short of a nuclear war during cricket match time. (its a fun hoot actually)." Cricket as an excuse for a sort-of punch-up, eh? "Rah-rah! Lots of Testosterone and nowhere to put it!" Yeah...retarded boys will be retarded boys. (It's JUST! a sodding...GAME. And if you don't like each other - don't PLAY with each other, then! Simple! Ah, but there's the money...) "Just sharing an e.g There was this match between India and Pak and my m-in-law was kind of praying yes Pak should win and I dared her and she is spinning her rosary beads and I am laughing at her, my spouse is looking from one person to other not knowing whom to support but then country came first for my spouse too." Good grief. This would make an amazing comedy series. Can't you see it? PS: Country never comes before spouse. Nothing and nobody comes before spouse. (Mleugh to him, then.) Tell him, 'You should know what side your bread is buttered on, and it ain't Cricket. None of those players will be expected to hold your hand on your death bed'. (Nuff said. Watch him make like a stranded goldfish.) "AND you are right about my family (A) being on guard more than me. Makes sense and I may be get a double whammy sensing it that way." Cool. :) Keep looking into it from that angle and keep me posted. "Thnx for your reply. I am looking more more couples in similar situation if they are having similar issues and that way then no social life at all. And yes I will check out the link u have in your reply." But if you're in the US, aren't there already a lot of other couples with mixed ethnicity/religions? Aren't there websites for couples wanting to make friends with other couples? If not - seems you might want to think about starting one? Now there's a thought...

Hi Dear you said Aren't there websites for couples wanting to make friends with other couples? Well I did not find any and I dont know how to start one. Linked in seems too cliche. may be you can suggest Love to hear how to to

and about country coming before spouse only for cricket i have told my spouse abs clearly I am rooting for INDIA period. but love ya. and that's why the moping phase begins for a while (esp. if India wins) and then good food and sex and may be a movie it ends.

"Hi Dear you said Aren't there websites for couples wanting to make friends with other couples? Well I did not find any and I dont know how to start one. Linked in seems too cliche. may be you can suggest Love to hear how to to" Hiya! Sorry, I'm a techie duh-brain, and I don't use social media (unless you count this). I think you'd need to google up on it? Unless anyone else here knows?