Complicated relationship

I am a married woman for 4 years and a mother to a one year old kid. My idea of marriage or any relationship had always been of loyalty. Never in my life had I ever been unfaithful even in my thoughts, let alone in person. However,when my kid was 4 months old, I found out that my husband was cheating on me. I was shocked and sorrowful. He confessed his wrong doing and regretted profusely. He agreed that he would break all ties with the girl. I was glad to have love of my life back and life started moving at normal pace. However certain changes happened post this. One, he increased the privacy of his phone. Secondly, his biggest worry post this incidence is that I might cheat back on him in vengeance. he started doubting me more though I am the one who was cheated. ... Fast forward few months, I went away for a couple of months for some professional commitment. Here I met a guy (around 5 years younger to me, married and father to an infant). Somehow we instantly clicked and bacame closer. Towards the end of our professional commitment, though unsaid, but we both were quite into each other. It has been a month since I am back but I cant let go of the feelings for this person i met. We have texted intermittently in completely professional capacity. I am acting as a dutiful wife and mother but in my heart, I cant let go of the pang I feel for this individual. I know that if I come forth to this individual about my feelings, they might be reciprocated. But that would make both of us cheat our spouses! however, by not expressing myself, I am suffering in silence. And I know I sound like a teenager, but I MISS HIM SO MUCH! What do I do?

If you're not in a happy marriage end it. There's no point of the two of you are both running around having affairs. Leading a life like this will end up affecting your children and confusing them growing up every time yous have a crush on someone. One affair can easily lead to others in the future. Be happy but more importantly be careful with your children. Goodluck🍀

Ooh - well put, Curly! Mywrito, He confessed his crime and then just did what any narcissistic (or full-blown NPD) non-partner does, which is, showed even greater contempt for you by then continuing the relationship, but this time, reacting to your pointers of where he went wrong as got him found-out. This counts as Serial Cheating despite with (presumably) the same woman (co-victim). Your mind has filed him and this fauxlationship as Futile (because the 2nd chance you gave him has had the *reverse* effect). So you must just be staying for your toddler's sake. That is the opposite of protecting your kid. Not because you're not programmed right, but because HE isn't. You just don't realise why with these types, What goes up does *not* come down. Plus you've been Needs-starved half-to-death so - some nice enough chap (although, not REALLY if he showed he was geared up to having his own affair on his own wife - THINK ABOUT IT) seems to be offering you a free banquet - of COURSE you're going to bite or at least SMELL? Also, don't always believe you know/think/feel what you know/think/feel. This programme is in the charge of your Inner Naked Ape (they're still in there, wiring-wise - don't you doubt it) and it's what SHE knows/thinks/feels. And she just wants an easy Taxi outta there! Or/and to remind you that there is life after the Narc, and that you've 'still got it!'. Give it more time. Dedicate all your attention to your kid and up the love but DON'T lower the discipline out of guilt for having chosen him a dud dad. He needs to see you the strong, healthy, tough as well as soft-loving parent as usual (or greater). Thank god he's only 1. He'll be fine if you leave your using, cheating so-called husband right now. Otherwise, he'll get a HORRIBLE template and role-modelling whereby his child's mind will think AND STAY THINKING (until/unless corrected) that his choice in any future relationship will be Cheater/Dominator versus Betrayee/Psychologically Bullied Prey. And he's a little guy with Testosterone - guess which one HE'LL choose! Get him out before he properly gets to know/take a proper interest in his Dud. You've tested the water, turns out it's warm and you can still swim and catch fish - so grab your kiddie AND THROW NARC-FEATURES OUT OF THE BOAT! He's cheated - that means you're legally allowed to throw him out of the Marital Home (soon-to-be 'Former'). The cheating in vengeance crap and pretending to doubt you, was just to re-divert your attention from what he's done, to defending what you at that point, HADN'T EVEN done! And it backfired on him because, look: it worked like a suggestion (to your starving inner animal). Here's the sciency bit: You've been under-your-radar forced to become addicted to this (Covert) Narc. He's now cut off your drug's supply. You need another supplier to transfer your addiction (as well as affections) onto. Mr Methodone. But I'm glad Mr M isn't pushing you or anything and is crossing his legs and filling his stomach with water, same as you are. (Unless he has other pickings?....How much do you even KNOW about this guy and his private life?) Why not keep saying nothing for now and see how long he can wait for you to have healed, established a new routine for you and kiddie, and THEN be ready and socially-acceptably so, for a relationship rather than a cheap affair, shall we? If you too have an affair - what do you think that's going to make kiddie conclude? That you're no better than Duddy? That all people stink? That could lead him to being a giant loner-commitmentphobe, with resentment at the world (people), or thinking cheating on one another is JUST NORMAL. Also, if in X years' time you told kiddo you stayed for his sake - with today's greater psycho-emotional knowledge and understanding - his reaction will NOT be too pretty. "Don't you blame ME!?", etc. Life's hard enough to let your little masterpiece have black paint thrown all over it (which is a bugger to have removed - by specialists) - don't you think? Save him, then realise - HE is your soulmate. Fate is showing you that. You don't need a husband. You and kiddo will have The Best parent-kid (and part-time playmate) relationship, one that you never dreamed was possible nor so incredibly satisfying. Ain't no such thing as Unconditional Love, anyway, outside of the parent-child relationship (despite it suits Take-Takers to act and speak like it does...them and their propaganda), so - use it or lose it! If you and this guy ACTUALLY want a relationship rather than a mutual, safe, diverting sand-hole to dive into, then you'll both do what it takes. End your (er) marriages, just be friends, then, when healed and unlikely to even accidently hurt one another - go for it. THAT WAY IT'LL LAST. If he is as sincere and principled (mucho importante!) as you - WELL, AREN'T YOU THE LUCKY AND FATE-FAVOURED ONE! Talk about falling from the sky but landing in a waiting pile of Marshmallows?! Thoughts?

PS: you didn't CHOOSE him, anyway. Nobody chooses an abusive Narc. You don't find OUT they're a Narc until you're deeply, dangerously hooked. Like, had a baby ...."NOW I've got her! I can do what I like now, and she won't dare leave me!". WHEREAS, all healthy-normals know that the truth is, and should be, because that's how the world/Mother Nature wants it, is this: 'The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world'. Never MIND 'penis envy'. You've made a whole, new, human-being! KNOW YOUR WORTH! And then (if they're sane) - they will. PS: your (ugh) husband has cheated on his own baby, too - don't forget that. NOT YOUR FAULT (...impossible to be, when there is counselling followed by amicable divorce available. There is no excuse for cheating - NONE.)

Hang on....Where did I get Son from? Sorry. Brain's melting with the heatwave here (Espana).

Hey, Mywrito (and 'your' Lurkers), check this out! Part 5, timed at 11:23. Ignore the misnomering overall title - Part 5 deals with the victim's need for a Mr Methadone (and, if he truly is in your same victim boat, then that obviously makes you Mrs Methadone). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZ5Gbh9JB54 (By Danish Bashir - he doesn't know (or remember to mention) the total aspects to everything they do, but it sounds as if that's because his RL experience was mainly limited to Parental Narcissism and it's social-life knock-ons, but he's GOOD and I reckon he's only going to get better.) Starting now - try to find out if you're Mrs Methadone. Best if you can do that using your recall, rather than asking him personal questions when you're try-sorry - SUCCEEDING in staying professional (well done, you - Gold Star on your forehead: "Thlup!"). IOW, let me frisk him for you, through you (- open offer, no time-pressure except for the 90day thread expiry, but you can just put, 'Please bear with me' to keep it live.) You still should take the friendship-into-romantic-relationship tranition slow, though. If you're both injured then it's too likely that (psychologically-speaking) normal, accidental bumps and prods/pokes will cause arguments that otherwise wouldn't occur with non-injured daters. I would be friends first and wait until I had my post-divorced ducks in a row. Especially as you can even, without reealising, ENCOURAGE/TRAIN a new bf or gf to become narcissistic (still on the Normal Personal scale but problematically high) by how you react/fail to react to stuff out of marital habit. It's better to grieve and de-tox first, however, so that your brain's healthier friend/lover-template can retake its place at the forefront of your mind again. No relationship will thrive if either party is unfit for one, no matter how well-intentioned and gagging to make it work. But anyway... trying subconsciously/unconsciously to find a Taxi Outta There (the abusive and/or neglectful and/or betraying-and-'soul-destroying' fauxlationship/environmental) is NOT the same as - Things were fine or fine enough, you didn't gleefully kill their granny in cold blood or anything like that as could be said to be a case of 'deserved it', in fact you were a good partner and person who did their best and were 'in it to win it', AND YET THEY STILL STARTED AN AFFAIR(S) (and aren't even acting guilty and remorseful). That's just another way to ABUSE you (while getting to behave like that playground prostitutes and bullies/manipulators they are). See it as swapping the whip for the rusty-nail-covered baseball bat. ("You VILL shrink back down again, Swinehunt!") Here's a bit of honesty from a Narc abuser/cheater: "Sure, I can't MAKE you do/not do X....but I can certainly make you wish you had!". Getting it? NOT YOUR FAULT - CAN'T BE (psych fact) WHEN (ALWAYS!)-UNWITTINGLY ENSLAVED BY AN ABUSER. PROBABLY, the reason he's cheating (still), is simply because you (now older, wiser etc.) (certainly than this broken kid in a Grown-Up Suit!) started increasingly standing-up for yourself, emotionally disconnecting from his Word and Behaviour Salad...basically opting-out of 'the game' (Master-Servant) too much for his liking. So, shocking and betraying you, and introducing competition, will put you firmly back in your place (re-chaining YOURSELF to his bedroom wall/kitchen sink). If it doesn't - he can always just dump you for the other unwitting victim type of 'Mistress' (or threaten/pretend to). DON'T TELL HIM A THING ABOUT WHAT YOU NOW KNOW HE IS AND IS UP TO. PRETEND EVERYTHING IS NORMAL. 'KEEP YOUR POWDER DRY' AND (in case of typical Controller-style gadgets-snooping) DELETE YOUR HISTORY FROM HERE AFTER EVERY VISIT. (And that goes for you Lurkers/retro-readers too - gender immaterial - if you're in this lady's same boat.)