How to move on from a situation when you're the one guilty?

Things are not going good and there have been many ups and downs which has left me feeling totally confused abt everything atp. This month tbh majorly revolved around a heart break but not so real tho I'll tell you why so its like this my first ever crush or love technically you can say cuz we've been in what they call a situationship and there were some muffled down feelings from both sides so whatever he has moved on from me yes he has got a new gf for himself he's dating posting her on the stories sending her chocolates for her birthday and stuff. tbh when i first saw the story of him posting another woman i was genuinely happy for him instead of being sad like idk why it just appeared like that i was smilling but my heart was racing so fast just like it does when I'm abt to give an exm or a viva. i shared it with my friends they're shocked too like yes it was hard to believe he'd ever move on from me but little by little the sadness dwelled upon me that he's not mine anymore actually he never was but i was the reason, he loved me and that too truly but i was the one playing mind games with him making him wait for me playing hard to get thinking he's stuck with me and will continue to stay like this loving me but i forgot that everyone has a patience limit and i crossed his line of patience its of no use no matter how much i convince myself and others that I'm not guilty and he's the one who left but ik it inside my mind that if i could've tried this relationship would have worked out. no matter how much i convince myself saying that it was not the right time my parents wouldn't allow i want to focus on my studies we all know at the end of the day these are all just lame excuses no one will believe me no matter how much i put up sad stories and write heartbroken poetries and try to play the victim card. Deep down I'll always know that it was my fault and he was the only one putting efforts and trying for me while i was the one closing the door at his face every fucking time. Who would even be with such a terrible person in the first place? Yes I'm such a terrible person cuz I'm so bad at maintaining relationships like I'd want to be friends with all as I'm a people pleaser but would never know how to keep them happy with me. Also even after seeing him dating another person I couldn't let myself mentally move on from him or his attention i should say and this heartbreak actually didn't feel like one cuz i did honestly feel a pang in my heart but that's it nothing more everything else was a drama i legit tried to cry hearing sad songs and not because i felt like it and i truly know that i put up a show to avoid being confronted and questioned. I wanted others to sympathize with me instead of blaming me. Maybe i never loved him truly like he did, maybe it was just a silly little infatuation or i just loved the memories and feeling of being in love or being loved by someone and all wanted was the attention that i got from him, the mad obsession was the only thing i ever liked and not him. And now that he's gone with all his attention and obsession which was love for him it feels empty and that is what making me sad because why else would I even unrestricted him now and try to text him again even after knowing he has a gf? why would i like his story? why would i want him to comeback to me? just so i can ghost him again, love bomb him and get the satisfaction of being wanted by someone? am i such a pick me? yes I'm and I'm sure even the others think of me as one they just can't shove it on my face because I'm their friend and i'd get hurt. and i would hate the one to the core who calls me out who has the guts to say me an attention seeker just because they said that behind my back I'd call them back a pick me girl and back bitch about them in front of others so that they wouldn't believe her over me and they would agree with me and i would feel validated. Another thing is that I'd constantly check the acc of his new gf and his acc to see if they've posted a new story together like stalking them like a crazy person and then after seeing is new gf even i would call her names and call her cringe and not as pretty as me again all this just to feel validated and validate myself that idgaf but deep down ik that she'll maybe keep him happier than i did or even if not for a long time but probably give him the relief from being ghosted rejected and love bombed from one person over 2 years. Again I'd say to others that I wouldn't want them to breakup to not appear as a homewrecker but deep down i know that how badly i want it to happen. This is the whole problem and I couldn't seem to find a solution or how should i improve myself from being such a terrible person in the future. Still thank you for listening to me rant about it and would be grateful if someone could help me with this situation.

DUPLICATE MESSAGE TO ALL 6 OF YOU CURRENTLY 'SEATED IN THE WAITING-ROOM', i.e.: Lost Racoon Oblivion Gooober TheColdCrystal Ayan: Hi guys, Apologies for the delay but regular respondents are obviously very thin on the ground at the moment, plus, this is an old fashioned forum, meaning, you're supposed to be chatting or giving your thoughts and opinions to those waiting alongside you (if you please/feel up to it)? Otherwise, I'm afraid I won't be available til Wednesday now. Sorry... think it's because it's August/holiday season.

(Moderator's Bump-up)

(Moderator's Bump-up)

Hi TheColdCrystal! This is the first chance I've had so - hoping you're still there? "Things are not going good and there have been many ups and downs which has left me feeling totally confused abt everything atp. This month tbh majorly revolved around a heart break but not so real tho I'll tell you why so its like this my first ever crush or love technically you can say cuz we've been in what they call a situationship and there were some muffled down feelings from both sides so whatever he has moved on from me yes he has got a new gf for himself he's dating posting her on the stories sending her chocolates for her birthday and stuff." Sorry, what's a Situationship? Do you mean FWBs - Friends With Benefits? How long were you in this relationship? And what are your ages? "tbh when i first saw the story of him posting another woman i was genuinely happy for him instead of being sad like idk why it just appeared like that i was smilling but my heart was racing so fast just like it does when I'm abt to give an exm or a viva." Red Flag! Was it that there was far more Relief than Sadness? Did you feel validated in your, say, prior suspicions about his intentions? And are you saying he got with someone else too soon, rather than give 'you and he' a decent burial (according either to named/shown intensity of feelings or the total tenure of relationship)? "i shared it with my friends they're shocked too like yes it was hard to believe he'd ever move on from me" Why? Does that answer my question, with, intensity? "but little by little the sadness dwelled upon me that he's not mine anymore actually he never was but i was the reason, he loved me and that too truly but i was the one playing mind games with him making him wait for me playing hard to get thinking he's stuck with me and will continue to stay like this loving me but i forgot that everyone has a patience limit and i crossed his line of patience" What do you mean by mind-games by making him wait for you? Wait for what? Why did you believe he was 'stuck with' you? "its of no use no matter how much i convince myself and others that I'm not guilty and he's the one who left but ik it inside my mind that if i could've tried this relationship would have worked out." Close...But not close enough...Wrong Way Up... It's actually this: If you'd known deep down the relationship had had the potential to work out, you would have tried. Let's just pause there for a min and ask you how you feel about that statement? Let's try to imagine it wasn't game-playing? What else might it have been? Let me edit that: knowing what you know NOW: What else might it have been?