How to move on from a situation when you're the one guilty?

Things are not going good and there have been many ups and downs which has left me feeling totally confused abt everything atp. This month tbh majorly revolved around a heart break but not so real tho I'll tell you why so its like this my first ever crush or love technically you can say cuz we've been in what they call a situationship and there were some muffled down feelings from both sides so whatever he has moved on from me yes he has got a new gf for himself he's dating posting her on the stories sending her chocolates for her birthday and stuff. tbh when i first saw the story of him posting another woman i was genuinely happy for him instead of being sad like idk why it just appeared like that i was smilling but my heart was racing so fast just like it does when I'm abt to give an exm or a viva. i shared it with my friends they're shocked too like yes it was hard to believe he'd ever move on from me but little by little the sadness dwelled upon me that he's not mine anymore actually he never was but i was the reason, he loved me and that too truly but i was the one playing mind games with him making him wait for me playing hard to get thinking he's stuck with me and will continue to stay like this loving me but i forgot that everyone has a patience limit and i crossed his line of patience its of no use no matter how much i convince myself and others that I'm not guilty and he's the one who left but ik it inside my mind that if i could've tried this relationship would have worked out. no matter how much i convince myself saying that it was not the right time my parents wouldn't allow i want to focus on my studies we all know at the end of the day these are all just lame excuses no one will believe me no matter how much i put up sad stories and write heartbroken poetries and try to play the victim card. Deep down I'll always know that it was my fault and he was the only one putting efforts and trying for me while i was the one closing the door at his face every fucking time. Who would even be with such a terrible person in the first place? Yes I'm such a terrible person cuz I'm so bad at maintaining relationships like I'd want to be friends with all as I'm a people pleaser but would never know how to keep them happy with me. Also even after seeing him dating another person I couldn't let myself mentally move on from him or his attention i should say and this heartbreak actually didn't feel like one cuz i did honestly feel a pang in my heart but that's it nothing more everything else was a drama i legit tried to cry hearing sad songs and not because i felt like it and i truly know that i put up a show to avoid being confronted and questioned. I wanted others to sympathize with me instead of blaming me. Maybe i never loved him truly like he did, maybe it was just a silly little infatuation or i just loved the memories and feeling of being in love or being loved by someone and all wanted was the attention that i got from him, the mad obsession was the only thing i ever liked and not him. And now that he's gone with all his attention and obsession which was love for him it feels empty and that is what making me sad because why else would I even unrestricted him now and try to text him again even after knowing he has a gf? why would i like his story? why would i want him to comeback to me? just so i can ghost him again, love bomb him and get the satisfaction of being wanted by someone? am i such a pick me? yes I'm and I'm sure even the others think of me as one they just can't shove it on my face because I'm their friend and i'd get hurt. and i would hate the one to the core who calls me out who has the guts to say me an attention seeker just because they said that behind my back I'd call them back a pick me girl and back bitch about them in front of others so that they wouldn't believe her over me and they would agree with me and i would feel validated. Another thing is that I'd constantly check the acc of his new gf and his acc to see if they've posted a new story together like stalking them like a crazy person and then after seeing is new gf even i would call her names and call her cringe and not as pretty as me again all this just to feel validated and validate myself that idgaf but deep down ik that she'll maybe keep him happier than i did or even if not for a long time but probably give him the relief from being ghosted rejected and love bombed from one person over 2 years. Again I'd say to others that I wouldn't want them to breakup to not appear as a homewrecker but deep down i know that how badly i want it to happen. This is the whole problem and I couldn't seem to find a solution or how should i improve myself from being such a terrible person in the future. Still thank you for listening to me rant about it and would be grateful if someone could help me with this situation.

DUPLICATE MESSAGE TO ALL 6 OF YOU CURRENTLY 'SEATED IN THE WAITING-ROOM', i.e.: Lost Racoon Oblivion Gooober TheColdCrystal Ayan: Hi guys, Apologies for the delay but regular respondents are obviously very thin on the ground at the moment, plus, this is an old fashioned forum, meaning, you're supposed to be chatting or giving your thoughts and opinions to those waiting alongside you (if you please/feel up to it)? Otherwise, I'm afraid I won't be available til Wednesday now. Sorry... think it's because it's August/holiday season.

(Moderator's Bump-up)

(Moderator's Bump-up)

Hi TheColdCrystal! This is the first chance I've had so - hoping you're still there? "Things are not going good and there have been many ups and downs which has left me feeling totally confused abt everything atp. This month tbh majorly revolved around a heart break but not so real tho I'll tell you why so its like this my first ever crush or love technically you can say cuz we've been in what they call a situationship and there were some muffled down feelings from both sides so whatever he has moved on from me yes he has got a new gf for himself he's dating posting her on the stories sending her chocolates for her birthday and stuff." Sorry, what's a Situationship? Do you mean FWBs - Friends With Benefits? How long were you in this relationship? And what are your ages? "tbh when i first saw the story of him posting another woman i was genuinely happy for him instead of being sad like idk why it just appeared like that i was smilling but my heart was racing so fast just like it does when I'm abt to give an exm or a viva." Red Flag! Was it that there was far more Relief than Sadness? Did you feel validated in your, say, prior suspicions about his intentions? And are you saying he got with someone else too soon, rather than give 'you and he' a decent burial (according either to named/shown intensity of feelings or the total tenure of relationship)? "i shared it with my friends they're shocked too like yes it was hard to believe he'd ever move on from me" Why? Does that answer my question, with, intensity? "but little by little the sadness dwelled upon me that he's not mine anymore actually he never was but i was the reason, he loved me and that too truly but i was the one playing mind games with him making him wait for me playing hard to get thinking he's stuck with me and will continue to stay like this loving me but i forgot that everyone has a patience limit and i crossed his line of patience" What do you mean by mind-games by making him wait for you? Wait for what? Why did you believe he was 'stuck with' you? "its of no use no matter how much i convince myself and others that I'm not guilty and he's the one who left but ik it inside my mind that if i could've tried this relationship would have worked out." Close...But not close enough...Wrong Way Up... It's actually this: If you'd known deep down the relationship had had the potential to work out, you would have tried. Let's just pause there for a min and ask you how you feel about that statement? Let's try to imagine it wasn't game-playing? What else might it have been? Let me edit that: knowing what you know NOW: What else might it have been?

I note all the signs in you (including relieved and on-alert, despite your usual compassion being present thus confusing the brew) so - bar explaining why you (or anyone else in your boat) is feeling that way, I'll let Olivia tell you - below (note pertinent points in capitals). So read this first: Once Upon A Time... You were wary. That's why you acted it but couldn't tell because (*see below), like, made him wait/were subconsiously Proceeding With Caution. And you still are wary. More so now. (AND no doubt, your friends.) You could 'smell' he was Iffy. So into the Emotions Blender goes Wariness. He managed to convince you - AND your friends - he was your "The One" (hence the group shock). He's completely and utterly PUT-PAID to that coerced-in delusion - by being able to STAND being with someone new (wrong hair, wrong smell, wrong face..., like being given dry sponge cake when you're dying for water), not just too soon, but, this incredibly prematurely. So we can add Almighty Shock, Disillusionment and crushing Disappointment (for the betrayal Part 2) to the Blender. (Normal, well-raised, HEALTHY, and non-narcissistic/non-NPD individuals would find it SHAMEFUL and EMBARRASSING to find they had (somehow!) genuinely fallen for someone THAT jaw-crashingly quickly whereby it's understandably an issue for their still-grieving Ex. It would show a lack of Empathy as well as lack of Love In Memoriam (which retro-proves there was too little/no love DURING). It would suggest they were- not just highly, but abnormally immature (is another reason as adds itself to your Shock). They'd wish to HIDE it for a good while, not spread their shame themselves by plastering it all over Facebook (knowing you'd see/be told/shown) - definitely not behaving like they were BANKING on it - knowing it would make you FEEL bad (for not having - his other attitudes/behaviours too strongly suggest - let him constantly have his way, and sod how YOU feel about it), including DOWNRIGHT INSULTED. So in goes Indignation..Anger, Shame (half of it his, not yours - on his behalf), (You make a REALLY shite Slave, do you know that? Go and stand in the corner!...where there's an audience cheering for you. :) *That* is what you did "wrong" (streamers, balloons...). Thereby you've dodged a bullet. By being a shite slave and BEING TOO MUCH LIKE HARD WORK (for a lazy arse who Macwants it now-now-now with bunny-wabbits on his bibby-wibby). But the correct amount of work for a Normal-Healthy'un, you'll be pleased to hear. To continue: The new, highly premature 'squeeze', whom, as you point out, he's love-bombing (and showing that off, or letting her do it, too) as if SHE'S "The One" (Again!). The fact you're in Cognitive Dissonance, still, and so are sad but simultaneously relieved. The sadness (from missing whom you thought he was, but must be dead if 'this him' can behave and function like that!) is greater, however. So you're taking blame. Because if "you must be" fully or however-much to blame, that opens up a rightful liberty to you - to act...to do something (fast) - albeit, it's just to kill your pain - specifically, either (a) not feel so powerless thus so bad, (b) think about getting him back thus feel less bad (Hope). By the laws of two Healthies bonding: he should feel as crap as you, still.....AND SORRY...and like a downright, Disloyal, FAKE... but he either doesn't or, 'merely', is enjoying the thought that you and everyone (and "yer stinky friends") to believe he doesn't. NEITHER IS HOW THE HEALTHY-MINDED BEHAVE. Wouldn't want to - wouldn't dare, even if they (somehow!) did. But we know which type do, don't we, 'Children': the grossly immature (non-dateable) or the narcissistic/Narcissistic - Type Malignant, Covert (or Narcic-Sociopath in stealth mode (still trying to hook)). When your emotions are too many, too high, to 'put through the blender', it's really hard to know what your true, own motivation is for feeling this/that, or from where that cocktail originates. But ask any victim-survivor - they know. GOOD INSTINCTS, GAL! What you did there, IMO, was let your Conscience - your Jimminy Cricket - be your guide, DESPITE you didn't know what they knew or were mutineering you to do and keep doing (hold out/hold back - like a true Lady...which will have added to your vibe-attractiveness one heck of a lot, ready for once you're Over Him and Over It). You did well. :) You 'listened' to your inner animal, the one responsible for keeping you safe and sane. Whereby no amount of his clearly very intensive and prolonged Love-Bombing could knock/tempt you off-course. Be proud. (Repeat: note Asterisks and my brackets) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2NuSNZNKnM "Brown guilty eyes and little white lies Yeah, I played dumb but I always knew That you'd talk to her, maybe did even worse I kept quiet so I could keep you ***And ain't it funny How you ran to her The second that we called it quits?*** And ain't it funny How you said you were friends? Now it sure as hell don't look like it ***You betrayed me And I know that you'll never feel sorry For the way I hurt, yeah*** You'd talk to her ***When we were together I loved you at your worst But that didn't matter (a) It took you two weeks To go off and date her*** (b) Guess you didn't cheat ***But you're still a traitor*** ***Now you bring her around Just to shut me down Show her off like she's a new trophy*** And I know if you were true ***There's no damn way that you Could fall in love with somebody that quickly*** Ain't it funny All the twisted games All the questions you used to avoid? Ain't it funny? Remember I brought her up And you told me I was paranoid You betrayed me And I know that you'll never feel sorry For the way I hurt, yeah You'd talk to her When we were together Loved you at your worst But that didn't matter It took you two weeks To go off and date her Guess you didn't cheat But you're still a traitor God, I wish that you had thought this through Before I went and fell in love with you (Ah-ah-ah) When she's sleeping in the bed we made Don't you dare forget about the way You betrayed me 'Cause I know that you'll never feel sorry For the way I hurt, yeah..." Olivia's 'just friends' lie is maybe one theory with this particular Mr 'Confusingly' Iffy of yours. The other is: he was actually Luring & Priming and/or outright Two-.Wtiming you with this woman, meaning, their being together is actually NOT premature, nor new, just their 'coming out of the closet' (and hoping ALL people will mistake it for a super-lucky doorway) (only the likewise stupid and unhealthy). He's Shameless so, irrespective - he doesn't mind being Shameful, whereas she's probably waited in the wings for far too long and is now too desperate. So he's Shameless (as well as doesn't work right) and she couldn't afford to let Shamefulness stand in her way (or is Shameless too?...I guess that's sub-theory 3). Really hope that helps?