My boyfriend the racist?

My boyfriend almost used a racial slur related to Chinese people while we were discussing its inappropriateness. He was recalling a past comment and reading a screenshot where the slur was used (not by himself). He went to use the word as a descriptor, i.e. “I absolutely did not hate ch-.” But cut himself short and seemed upset- he quickly realized he almost slipped and was very shaken. He explained that this happened because of the visual stimuli and the fact he was thinking of it- it’s not a word he uses as a descriptor and it’s not a word he feels comfortable with his friends or colleagues using. He rushed over to my house and we discussed it at length- he was very shaken and upset and feared he had upset me terribly. I implored him to remain educated and he promised me he was and that this was an absolute accident- not something that happened because he uses it. I often feel anxious about him saying something racist, as he used to be comfortable with such language and was raised to believe it was acceptable. We recently had a good discussion about my boundaries, and he’s committed to understanding why this happened. He believes it was a genuine accident, possibly due to his reading the word and thinking of it without intending to say it, as he says he doesn’t use this language consciously or subconsciously, even in his head. He has directly opposed people who use it in the past and seems to be an ally to the asain community, often bringing up issues they face to me, unprompted, that I myself am not educated on or aware of. He actively reported people who were racist in his first year of uni and seems a genuine ally. While I believe he genuinely wants to improve and acknowledges his past ignorance, and I don’t believe this mistake is indicative of wider issues or racism. I’m struggling as a person of color to balance my love for him with my desire to be an ally to the Asian community. I feel guilty for accepting his mistake, despite his remorse and commitment to change. We set some specific boundaries to reduce my stress. This isn’t just simple guilt- I suffer from anxiety and it has gotten so bad I struggle to even see asain people without feeling so guilty I might be sick. I feel like I’ve personally wronged each one of them. The anxiety over this situation has become overwhelming, even leading to self-harm, which I haven't experienced in years. I’m scared and unsure of what to do next. When I’m with him I just keep thinking that he effectively used a racial slur as a descriptor, and that the act itself is unforgivable. My head feels heavy and hot. I’m feeling unsure about a couple of things: Am I doing the right thing as an ally? Would I feel different if this was the n word (a word that affects me) and if so, does that mean I’m minimising this? I feel like it’s on my mind a lot when we’re together and I can’t relax- but when I do start to relax I feel guilty for it, like I should be on edge and thinking about it. For full and honest context, my boyfriend has a past of using racist language that he picked up from home and from friends. He’s been actively changing for many years but this particular language was concerning me recently as he used it for longer (till about 15). Something he says was out of ignorance. I also suffer terribly from anxiety and his past has caused us to have two relationship breaks last year as I couldn’t stop panicking and it got unhealthy. So I can’t see this in its full and appropriate context- therefore I need outside opinions. Preferably Asain people who can speak on the best way of allyship. I love my boyfriend and I don’t want to lose him but right now I can’t fully relax knowing I might be getting it wrong.

Hi Red_Robin! I'm not reading ahead, other than your title...and because of your title. I want to naturally react and see if it chimes with where/how you've reacted... Especially as there are usually a lot more 'ists' to Racists than meets the eye, so I'm going to see if I can spot them. It's incredibly narrow-minded and ignorant, but, more than not, a giant excuse to have someone to bully and feel superior to-... (Gas Mask on...) "My boyfriend almost used a racial slur related to Chinese people while we were discussing its inappropriateness." So - DURING a conversation about how inappropriate Racism is - or about the specific slur - your bf almost came out with one - or that very slur? How old is he and how old are you? Have you met his parents/family yet? How long have you been together? "He was recalling a past comment and reading a screenshot where the slur was used (not by himself). He went to use the word as a descriptor, i.e. “I absolutely did not hate ch-.” But cut himself short and seemed upset- he quickly realized he almost slipped and was very shaken. He explained that this happened because of the visual stimuli and the fact he was thinking of it- it’s not a word he uses as a descriptor and it’s not a word he feels comfortable with his friends or colleagues using. He rushed over to my house and we discussed it at length- he was very shaken and upset and feared he had upset me terribly. I implored him to remain educated and he promised me he was and that this was an absolute accident- not something that happened because he uses it." Is that all? I believe him. Not a Racist. (True Racists are PROUD of being such, anyway. Certainly they don't stop themselves or apologise! Because if you argue with them, to them, that makes YOU just as bad...an 'N-lover' and YOU get verbally attacked.) Why on earth would this guy be 'very shaken' because he NEARLY made a faux pas? And why the hell would he feel he (1) had to rush over to your house to (2) explain himself, (3) in-person? And why wouldn't you have recognised and accepted at the time, that the guy just made a normal slip-up under circumstances wherein it'd be natural...because you're talking about it...and not just reassure him so that he DIDN'T have to rush over to placate you? How do you know he doesn't have a bit of Tourette's, even? Why are you - and he - making such a huge issue out of a mere, perfectly common, natural, human slip-up? Don't you have anthing better to do with your time, the pair of you? Maybe he slipped-up because he's constantly on-edge? "I often feel anxious about him saying something racist, as he used to be comfortable with such language and was raised to believe it was acceptable." Why would that make YOU anxious? In case people judged you as a bad mother? You're just dating him. The fact he got raised with habits not of his choosing, are not his fault. The fact he's trying to force himself OUT of the habit - and mostly succeeding (well done him!) - is all CREDIT to him. (Have you praised him for his big efforts?) Nor do another person's differences reflect on you. Nor on him, in his case, given his family culture. "We recently had a good discussion about my boundaries," Just yours, or his too? "and he’s committed to understanding why this happened." Committed to understanding? BECAUSE HE'S ONLY HUMAN, that's why (- there ya go - 20p, please). "He believes it was a genuine accident," He didn't even MAKE a mistake - he corrected it VIRTUALLY INSTANTANEOUSLY! " possibly due to his reading the word and thinking of it without intending to say it," YA DON'T SAY. "as he says he doesn’t use this language consciously or subconsciously, even in his head. He has directly opposed people who use it in the past and seems to be an ally to the asain community, often bringing up issues they face to me, unprompted, that I myself am not educated on or aware of. He actively reported people who were racist in his first year of uni and seems a genuine ally." Right?... "While I believe he genuinely wants to improve and acknowledges his past ignorance, and I don’t believe this mistake is indicative of wider issues or racism. I’m struggling as a person of color to balance my love for him with my desire to be an ally to the Asian community." Really? I know all about anxiety. And anxious people tend NOT to have the wherewithall to sit in judgement of their boyfriend to this incredible degree. So why are you? What are you calling, Anxiety? Describe your daily pattern of symptoms for me. "I feel guilty for accepting his mistake, despite his remorse and commitment to change." Well, then, that's your problem, not his. And a wholly needless one at-that. What have you even got to be feel guilty ABOUT? Because your bf NEARLY-but-didn't, 'fall off the wagon' in terms of deeply ingrained family habits? Do you even know what DISTINGUISHES Racist people from Non-Racist people and their (quite commonplace, actually) involuntary slip-ups? I'll tell you: INTENTION. Or in Racists' cases: MAL-intention. Intention Is EVERYTHING. I LOVE Chinese people - especially the ones here in Spain - and so when I or son say, 'Fancy a Chinky tonight?', it's a term of endearment. Like when a friend is called Sandra but you call her SandIE. It's a 'pet name'. He is NOT Racist. Far from it! What changing are you doing, to make yourself more acceptable to him? "We set some specific boundaries to reduce my stress." Stress from what? "This isn’t just simple guilt- I suffer from anxiety and it has gotten so bad I struggle to even see asain people without feeling so guilty I might be sick." Your anxiety has got that bad, or you mean, specifically since your bf almost made a verbal slip-up? Why would you feel guilty towards Asian (with a capital A) people? Are you for-real? Because I am VERY confused about why you are making such a ruddy great mountain out of a titchy-tiny molehill- no, actually - Anthill! I don't get it. Not unless you're Catastrophising. THAT, I would get. "I feel like I’ve personally wronged each one of them. The anxiety over this situation has become overwhelming, even leading to self-harm, which I haven't experienced in years." Okay. You need to stop grasping desperately at your bf's normal-natural human behaviour as something to blame your ever-increasing anxiety on, and go see your Doctor. You're sounding like you've let your Anxiety progress for too long without treating it. OR, to explain where that stress came from and why you're so on-the-paranoid-defensive when it comes to Asian people. "I’m scared and unsure of what to do next. When I’m with him I just keep thinking that he effectively used a racial slur as a descriptor, and that the act itself is unforgivable. My head feels heavy and hot." So does mine, now. "I’m feeling unsure about a couple of things: Am I doing the right thing as an ally? Would I feel different if this was the n word (a word that affects me) and if so, does that mean I’m minimising this? " No. The over-opposite. You're completely and utterly over-reacting BY MILES. In fact - not sure there's even a WORD for the strength of magnification over an issue that isn't even an issue because the poor guy stopped himself in-time AND apologised AND made *instant* reparations. It's obvious your anxiety is affecting HIM, now. Poor lad is clearly constantly worried that if he puts one foot wrong with you, even unintentionally(!), he'll be instantly dismissed. How would you like to live every day just waiting for the guillotine to suddenly-randomly-non-rationally drop? "I feel like it’s on my mind a lot when we’re together and I can’t relax- but when I do start to relax I feel guilty for it, like I should be on edge and thinking about it." If you're that incredibly sensitive over Political Correctness and/or that incredibly hard on yourself that you'd put yourself between a rock and hard place like that, and to where you would set your own boyfriend INHUMAN targets/conditions, plus under unrealistic deadline, on pain of losing you, then - sorry, but you are not in an emotional state that makes you fit to date, let alone go steady, with another person. "For full and honest context, my boyfriend has a past of using racist language that he picked up from home and from friends." (As you see, that bit I did gather easily enough.) "He’s been actively changing for many years" What a diamond! "but this particular language was concerning me recently as he used it for longer (till about 15)." That's his past! "Something he says was out of ignorance." Of course! "I also suffer terribly from anxiety and his past has caused us to have two relationship breaks last year as I couldn’t stop panicking and it got unhealthy." Doctor's - NOW. "So I can’t see this in its full and appropriate context-" Trust me, you did not need to tell us that. It's obvious. "therefore I need outside opinions. Preferably Asain people who can speak on the best way of allyship." Preferably Asian people? Oh! My mistake! Ah, well, I'll just finish up and leave you be, then. "I love my boyfriend" Love and patience including reasonable expectations, and not putting your public image and Extremist views before the happiness of a boyfriend WHOM YOU EITHER CHOSE OR ACCEPTED, whom would obviously be prepared to bend-over-backwards to make you happy (which, he already is!), all go hand-in-hand, I'm afraid, so - Love him? NOT REALLY. Having him so stressed out that he panics and runs to your house to explain himself - FOR NEXT-TO-NOTHING except for being a normal human - is downright cruel. " and I don’t want to lose him but right now I can’t fully relax knowing I might be getting it wrong." Well, behaving like that - you're going to. Get to your doctor's; stop putting it off...it's not a big thing. And now think long and hard about what I'm about to say next: That 'preferably "Asain" (sic) comment' (and previously, without an initial capital, both of which run counter to your claims over attitude) - I don't feel like continuing, now (not unless you can find a way to change my mind), because - guess what? You've just been discriminatory against me/this forum - a non-Asian. As well as, therefore, highly hypocritical. Plus, if you' wanted only Asians as respondents then why come to a UK based but international-serving forum, why not an Asian one? People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Go get yourself sorted...you're Fixated (that's the word I was looking for up there). And I recommend you IMMEDIATELY cease trying to shoehorn your bf at record speed into such an overtight space he wasn't built for and give him a chance to morph in such a way that WON'T break the psychological bones in his body. Or stop trolling? Either-Or. Your attitude and thinking - AND lack of self-awareness (ref Asians Only) sound so concerningly out-of-kilter it's hard to tell. Sorry.

Hi I just wanted to iron out some details for you, since your reply was a little harsh. But I think I needed it to be harsh. To be honest. First and foremost I want to clarify- I know I am unwell. I have been unwell a lot of my life. While I don’t think it’s been exactly like this before I KNOW I’m overreacting, I know I’m not processing well. I know this is not a normal response. And to be honest with you, I would give absolutely anything to not feel this way. I know there’s no need. I ask for other opinions to force my brain to rationalise. I’m in the process of trying to get help (professional, as you pointed out is needed). Secondly- the title was intended to grab attention to people would give this a read, I’m fully aware he’s not a racist person. He’s 19, we’ve been together for 3 years. Important context is that the issue of his past was an issue for others when we started dating but that I ignored it- I could see who he was and his change and it no longer mattered to me. But overtime the anxiety that touched all of my life started to touch this too. Thirdly- I wanted to thank you. Though a bit of a shock your response is right and lines up pretty well with what my Mother said! I think the reality is I consciously know this to be true. But I need to read people, real people, telling me it’s true so that I can shock my very poorly brain into knowing that it’s true. Fourthly- maybe it’s not conveyed well in what I wrote but I love my boyfriend. I love him endlessly. He is the light of my life. He means the world to me. He is sweet and kind and compassionate. He is honestly perfect. The reason he rushed over in the first place is because he loves ME and he knows despite my best efforts to the contrary that when my brain grabs ahold of something it’s almost impossible to shift (again, I know I’m not well) When I spoke to others about this they sort of said the same thing you have- that I was overthinking it- but zerod in on the idea that because of it it might be acceptable to be vigilant going foreword, to ensure it was a mistake. I took this in force. I’m not realising I shouldn’t have. That advice is for someone you don’t know. I DO know him. I HAVE known him. I know his truth. FINALLY- the only Asians comment. (Thank you for correcting my grammar) it wasn’t meant as a jibe or a dig at white people or anyone really. And I appreciate your feedback massively, I hope you know that it’s help wonders, I only said that because I felt someone with personal experience of the level of offence such a word can cause would be able to say “Oh, you know what, that word offends me but this doesn’t, so it’s cool.” To reiterate. I know it’s cool. I know it’s fine. I know that I’m hurting him and myself- I’m trying so hard everyday not too. I have an internal battle about it constantly. I do not want to make him feel this way and I would give ANYTHING not too. ANYTHING.

"But I think I needed it to be harsh." Yes, it DID. Glad I've snapped you out of it, impressed at your b*lls and that you even could be (snapped-out). I was only making a giant point, anyway - I'm not petty or sniffy enough to 'flounce', but I AM completely overwhelmed with this and everything in my RL at the mo, so I haven't even read the rest yet; this is just to apologise for the delay and ask you to keep bearing with me. Back the minute I can. Cheers. (Well done. You've redeemed yourself well.)

(Just keeping you bumped-up. Soon as I get my next window...)

"I just wanted to iron out some details for you, since your reply was a little harsh. But I think I needed it to be harsh. To be honest. First and foremost I want to clarify- I know I am unwell. I have been unwell a lot of my life." Okay - what's your diagnosis/prognosis? "While I don’t think it’s been exactly like this before I KNOW I’m overreacting, I know I’m not processing well. I know this is not a normal response." Well, then you're processing fine. It's not your processing. It's your emotional self-regulation. You've heen through something horrid, haven't you. That would explain the Hyper-Vigilance? "And to be honest with you," Always. Even brutally. "I would give absolutely anything to not feel this way. I know there’s no need." Well, there obviously is (refer to above question). "I ask for other opinions to force my brain to rationalise." To stablize and re-calibrate it, you mean? "I’m in the process of trying to get help (professional, as you pointed out is needed)." Only in terms of a prescription for Anxiolytics - as a step-stool so you can reach the top edges of the muddy hole you've fallen down. Or were you pushed? Or bit of both? "Secondly- the title was intended to grab attention to people would give this a read, I’m fully aware he’s not a racist person." Well, how come HE doesn't know that? If he knew that, he wouldn't have reacted all panicked like that. I mean - RUNNING to your place? That is highest level anxiety IN-MOTION - think about it!! Why did you think people wouldn't have given this a read, otherwise? AH-HAH - GOTCHA! Who was or were the people who bullied you? "He’s 19, we’ve been together for 3 years. Important context is that the issue of his past was an issue for others when we started dating but that I ignored it- I could see who he was and his change and it no longer mattered to me. But overtime the anxiety that touched all of my life started to touch this too." Tell me about these others and what happened? "Thirdly- I wanted to thank you. Though a bit of a shock your response" Really? That was quite laid-back for me! (GOTCHA PART DEUX!) You are the walking epitomy of a post-abuse victim - be it life the abuser or a person (monster). "is right and lines up pretty well with what my Mother said!" Oh, good - you've got your Mum's support. That makes things easier, then. "I think the reality is I consciously know this to be true. But I need to read people, real people, telling me it’s true so that I can shock my very poorly brain into knowing that its true." Well, it depends on how truthful or aware and expansive one is. There might be stuff you're not telling me - upon which menu there are but 2 choices: 1. You're a wildly stressed-out Meercat ("who-what-where-eeeek!") from acute or chronic mistreatment or other trauma, just WAITING for more 'bad luck' to land on your head, and seeing whiskers appear from around the corner and automatically assuming it's a tiger, and reacting normally for a tiger, but abnormally given that it's only Tiddles, the cat. Whiskers do not a tiger make. BUT if you've been mauled (even in slow-motion over a long period) by a Tiger, then it stands to self-preservationist reason that you're going to vow to be ready, next time - i.e. react faster. That'd be your survival programme clashing with the pairbonding one. The latter is supposed to be attempted in Peace Time. Not when you're just off the battlefield (or have only just realised or remembered you have...delayed reaction brought on by a trigger). "Fourthly- maybe it’s not conveyed well in what I wrote but I love my boyfriend. I love him endlessly. He is the light of my life. He means the world to me. He is sweet and kind and compassionate. He is honestly perfect. The reason he rushed over in the first place is because he loves ME and he knows despite my best efforts to the contrary that when my brain grabs ahold of something it’s almost impossible to shift (again, I know I’m not well)" I KNOW he is. Do you know how many men go to that level of rushing straight over? Answer: PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF! That's how many! Maybe in films, yeah. Oh...wait a minute. Do you mean LITERALLY too perfect? Does he feel too good to be true? Theory: don't take it badly, I've just to frisk the situation... You don't suppose he's a tiger, deliberately disguising himself as Tiddles? And that you're early-sensing it? I mean, OBVIOUSLY you're sensitive... Do you suppose you can elusively tell he is, or could be, Iffy? I mean - just because you're paranoid - doesn't mean they AREN'T out to get you? And you're NOT ill. You're just over-anxious. "When I spoke to others about this they sort of said the same thing you have- that I was overthinking it- but zerod in on the idea that because of it it might be acceptable to be vigilant going foreword, to ensure it was a mistake. I took this in force. I’m not realising I shouldn’t have. That advice is for someone you don’t know. I DO know him. I HAVE known him. I know his truth." OH MY GOD LOOK AT THAT. I wasn't even reading ahead! Crikey. We can't BOTH be wrong, then? You included? Can we? That would put a different light on his instantly rushing over. It would be him still Love-Bombing, trying to convince you he's "you with a willy". Which - Guess Who do? That's right: abusive narcs. What if you sensed that the faux pas was not just from past habit but - thanks to the tone and other elusive comms data - from RECENT USAGE??? Hmm... Yeah, I think we should check, give him a REALLY thorough frisk because, the other thing about victim-survivors still not healed yet, is that they try to ignore their screaming intuition (or don't dare rely on it alone as a warning, need the intellect's help), and blame themselves. Hmm... Perfect, HOW? "FINALLY- the only Asians comment. (Thank you for correcting my grammar)" Don't you bring HER into it, poor woman. (har-har) "it wasn’t meant as a jibe or a dig at white people or anyone really." IIII KNOWWWWW.... I was merely pointing out, how easy it is to make slip-ups - particularly when you're already highly-strung and self-conscious (eyes overly on the scary environment, blind to what you're doing/sending-out) - and how it feels when someone gets you wrong, paints you black, 'runs with it', over-reactively. But that was before I considered the alternative, that you're not over-reacting and there IS danger about, but which you can't see - and saw your friends agreed with me and that you yourself weren't exactly in disagreement with them, to-boot. So that makes for a very strong suspicion, doesn't it.ç When they're trying to bag you (gain your trust to where you allow yourself to become mega-hooked - and mega-hooked, from the heat) - if 'they' means Malignant Covert (or Narc-Sociopath in Covert/Hunting & Bagging mode), they WILL go to those film-like lengths! Awww. Bloody Nora... SPILL. Let's even do a strip-search. You clearly can't take another one. Not on top of the last one (or was it, ones?). " And I appreciate your feedback massively, I hope you know that it’s help wonders, I only said that because I felt someone with personal experience of the level of offence such a word can cause would be able to say “Oh, you know what, that word offends me but this doesn’t, so it’s cool.” I've been called PLENTY of names in my time. But then, I know I - what's inside me - automatically threaten a lot of people. The N ones. (Yeah, don't worry.) "To reiterate. I know it’s cool. I know it’s fine. I know that I’m hurting him and myself- I’m trying so hard everyday not too. I have an internal battle about it constantly. I do not want to make him feel this way and I would give ANYTHING not too. ANYTHING." Internal battle... Constantly... Cognitive Dissonance. Seeing one thing, smelling another. Wolf in sheep's clothing, for example. That whole para is possibly N/A (not applicable) now. Yeah. You'd better spill before it comes time for blowing your 'house' down. Better safe than sorry...

My 2 disappeared! 2. Or you're stuck in Anxiety because you've been there too long (like a Record needle getting stuck in the groove).

Tsk - no, that was 1 - god...I really need to get to bed. SORRY - edit: 2. Or he's Iffy and there's nothing wrong with your senses - except that you're having trouble believing it could recurr so soon after the last covert bully/life trauma. As well, trouble differentiating between your Senses Alarms and your random anxiety episodes.

PS: When he made the (alleged) slip-up - how quickly did you react? And how fast did you leave - did you run...trot? Did you feel what I call an Alice In Wonderland "whoosh" go through your brain and your chest or arms go momentarily cold? Or anything else physical? Heart beating wildly? Were you sweaty when you got home? Describe the scene for me.

Okay there’s a lot going on here. You’ve raised a very interesting point. There may be reasonable need for concern- perhaps he has spent a significant period of time lying to me. Unfortunately, (for the point not my life) this doesn’t make any sense. None of the people he hangs out with (or has for the last couple of year any way) would find this language very acceptable. It’s not just me. His peers are mostly mine too, and even those who aren’t don’t use language like this. Other than his parents who he is actively distanced from because of their choices. So I’m just not sure where he would be doing this, or how he would benefit from using it behind my back. I think I can explain his rushing over. He knows I am incredibly over anxious. My initial reaction was to think “oh I think he just misspoke, but it was of course an accident” then the panic set in almost as a second wave, what if he’s been using it! What if this act itself, the accident, is reprehensible? what if all my anxiety about him not being distanced from his past is true! I think he sensed that from me. He didn’t really say or do much when he came over, just sat with me and listened. He didn’t try to explain himself overly other than when I asked him too, he just sat, listened and hugged. He assured me of his truth and said he was committed to being truly good. It seemed simple. My brain feels more like it’s trapped in a groove. Having perfectly good explainations for things, seeing evidence that my thoughts are true but playing them over nevertheless. Always good to be vigilant but not like this. On to the friends. Gooodness me. Long time ago now. These friends were white, and they also did not like me at the time. At all. They were convinced my bf was lying about having changed, which they had little evidence for. He had recently had a falling out with one of them- because he made a joke she didn’t find funny. The intent was sarcastic but nevertheless she didn’t find it funny, and at the time he struggled to wrap his head around why she was upset, though he acknowledged it was not his intent to cause harm. Since all of this, that friend has forgiven him on the basis that she understands his intent and the work he’s done since to adjust the joke he tells and what jokes are for him to tell. They’re pretty good friends independently of me and I understand it’s been very much put to bed since they went to colleg together and we camped with her just this year. The other friends involved have all apologised for their reactions, saying it wasn’t their place and that my bf is clearly changed for the better and good person. Since this, I’ve had one or two people have issues with him or my choice but these have all turned out to be mostly based on misconceptions (them thinking he still uses this language, them thinking I don’t tan are about his past etc). All of since tried to or have made amends with us both for jumping a bit too far ahead But given all of this stress and the fact I’m an overthinker anyway, and the fact there’s elements of his past I have NOT fully made amends with (and that’s just the reality of his upbringing, I love him but I don’t have to love his past) he knows sometimes that if I think he’s saying something that pertains to him not being who he has been telling me and showing me he is, that makes me panic. Were those people right! How should I feel! Am I getting this right! Etc etc most of these thoughts feel somewhat irrational. So while it’s certainly possible he is secretly truly racist, it doesn’t really match up with any of his life. It would have to be some really private hidden thing and to be honest I’m not sure why he would bother or where the fuck he would get the time haha. Alas you have clocked me! I’ve trusted many people and been betrayed. Even my current bf, has forgotten parts of his past (understandble so, some of these events he was 13 or 14 for) and realising bits and pieces he forgot made me panic, even when I could tell he didn’t hide them on purpose. Always the suspicion that the hiding could be intentional- despite these things being obvious, despite them clearly having been forgotten by all parties involved, always the worry you know? Okay. I was abused. When I was 13-15. Still unpacking the impact of that. Oh and also I’ve had anxiety and depression issues since I was very young. So that’s there too.

I’m leaving out something important. Apologies. The friends. His from when we started dating. They were definitly operating on a very ignorant place. Using language that he (I believe) had not used for very much time. I often saw him, or was shown him privately taking issue with them for their lack of change and their ignorance but the friendships didn’t end as fast as they should. Some of these boys were racist to me, and while my bf saw the severity of this he didn’t end the relationship with the group like he should’ve. We’ve actually discussed this in therapy- it is a decision he regrets deeply but looking back it sometimes gives the impression he didn’t see the severity of what they were saying. Now I would like to remain that given the friends he had outside of this group at the time (about 2 years now) and his interactions with mini groups (?) inside the group, I do believe he wasn’t privately just continuing to use the language with these boys. This is proven by comments they would make towards him often. About his change, how he’d become wet, he’d become less fun over the years or whatever. At the time I trusted him and looking back I can see why, it seemed those comments and that making fun of him had been happening well before we started dating. But again- there remains the possibility of him not being honest! Maybe he’s lying for my favour. But again, I have to wonder, after all these years, after cutting them all off, after therapy, what the point of a lie like that would be. I love my bf. He’s not the sharpest tool in the box bless him. I have access to his phone (I don’t go through it I just play games on it lol) so I could easily look for any of this if I wanted too and he knows that. After everything we’ve gone through a lie like that would seem? Heinous? And pointless. But alas

Bumping you up - I'm overloaded in RL life again and am trying desperately to catch up! Big sorry for the wait - I have too little control over it. Hoping to be with you tomorrow. :)

Here I am, finally! Not reading ahead for now... "Okay there’s a lot going on here." There certainly is. "You’ve raised a very interesting point. There may be reasonable need for concern- perhaps he has spent a significant period of time lying to me. Unfortunately, (for the point not my life) this doesn’t make any sense. None of the people he hangs out with (or has for the last couple of year any way) would find this language very acceptable. It’s not just me. His peers are mostly mine too, and even those who aren’t don’t use language like this. Other than his parents who he is actively distanced from because of their choices. So I’m just not sure where he would be doing this," Over the internet, maybe? "or how he would benefit from using it behind my back." Because (if he were indeed being his true self behind your back - the type you'd normally not touch with a bargepole) he would be on the road to winning a top-shelf gf without having done the hard graft to earn one - bar acting like "one of you" for as long as it takes to hook you? After that, the act gets dropped, drip by drip, but, by the time you, like all victims, realise where the sudden full bucket came from (said drips), you're too Trauma-Bonded (google) and Addicted to have the oomph to end it/leave him. And then they're free to mistreat you any way they please, without worrying you'll damage their ego by abandoning/escaping/rejecting them or exposing them. They then get to properly relax and be themselves completely, with you too intimidated to risk telling others that they are NOT The Big I Am, just a tantruming, spoilt, lazy, vindictive, antaonistic, paranoid, repulsive little sh*thead and you got slowly-subtly conned into playing their secret, behind-closed-doors mother and scapegoat, who runs their life as well as your own, and at your expense, etc., etc., etc. ("or else!") as well as have to validate his false Great & Trustworthy Guy impressions out-of-doors/in front of anyone they wish to impress or con. And other things n stuff. Maybe try reading up on Love-Bombing, Mirroring, The Mask of Sanity/Respectability, etc? "I think I can explain his rushing over. He knows I am incredibly over anxious. My initial reaction was to think “oh I think he just misspoke, but it was of course an accident” then the panic set in almost as a second wave, what if he’s been using it! What if this act itself, the accident, is reprehensible? what if all my anxiety about him not being distanced from his past is true! I think he sensed that from me. He didn’t really say or do much when he came over, just sat with me and listened. He didn’t try to explain himself overly other than when I asked him too, he just sat, listened and hugged. He assured me of his truth and said he was committed to being truly good. It seemed simple."" So...he manages to placate and reassure you at the time but then you get a delayed-reaction 'Haang on a minute - what if?' the minute you get on your own, with peace and time to reflect? Red Flag. Symptom of Word Salad - having being Gaslit. Cleverly and oh-so-subtly. Regardless, your body is sending reactions that run COUNTER to his clever reassurance, to show you that your conscious conslusion is NOT CORRECT. Your vote is getting overridden (by your inner animal whose responsibility and control, survival is - hence the override). And it's not a mere red-light signal you're getting - it's a full-blown alarm at full volume! (Could it be called a Panic Attack? Or a Giant Wobble?) Let's just check... Read this: I'm copying it in from Curly's thread (and note my Asterisks and double-bracketed comments): __________________________________________________________ https://www.truelovescam.com/5-stages-of-true-love-scam/ "It Takes Us Unawares And By Surprise The bizarre hypnotic and stunning effect that comes along with the “narcissist”, the sociopathic user means that very often we do just what they’re hinting at. They aren’t displaying genius in this. We respond as we do in response to an invisible, powerful element they possess. They come out of the box with an inborn quality that results in what can be called coercive control. *****It’s that thing about them that we might think of or others refer to as “charm”. – Though not all of us see the sociopath in front of us as charming. Sometimes they kind of gross us out. But if they can keep the connection up, at about a two-week-in point, it’s possible we flip and suddenly “like” them. And there we are… Hooked. It has the same result either way. ((And that can happen to your friends, whom moments before found him bizarre/a bit antosocial/offensive, too!)) You can probably still recall the feeling of compulsion to do things for them, to give them things, and to make sure things are taken care of for them. This is the natural human response to the effect of a sociopathic user. " Also, Jennifer happens to include the Hypnotic Effect I've just warned this woman's currently vulnerable to, endemic in the condition (not their skill, just their illness's effect on all normal-healthies if you spend too long in their company/interacting), so have this as well (same page and link): "The First Stage of a Love Scam The first sign that we’re headed for a nightmare is found within our emotional reaction to them. The thing is, as normal humans, we don’t realize this is happening… Or that what is happening inside us signals this. When we encounter one of these creatures and we “like” something – anything – about them, we’re hooked. We enter into a spellbound altered state. There’s a sense of being elevated into another dimension. We’re excited, almost in a cliched state of breathlessness. On the hot air of their rather banal or odd compliments float us into another realm. Compliments from a predator range from the quite generic, you’re hot. Odd such as, yah, this will work. Or can be “profound” such as I feel like I’ve known you forever. We’re Tossed Into an Altered State ((It's true - worst luck! I've always called it Honeymoon Heroin - Dopamine and Oxytocin overload, basically.)) *****As we all know on an intellectual level, no one lasts long if they’re breathless. In this alternate universe we’ve immediately been catapulted into, we believe every word they say even though a lot of what they say doesn’t make perfect sense. Our mind busily makes sense of what doesn’t make sense. – This is normal when we meet a predator.***** *****normal humans need things to make sense. It’s natural to make sense out of things that don’t make sense. This natural human quality is – as are all our natural human qualities – bent to the sociopath’s purpose without any effort on their part, and without our conscious awareness of it or control over it.***** *****This is the effect of the sociopath, it’s what we call coercive control. – The realities of coercive control are invisible and subtle. Coercive control isn’t initiated at that obvious threat, if you don’t do such-and-such, I’ll break your arm, nor at, if you do such-and-such, I’ll put those naked photos of you online. However, those threats might come later."" ____________________________ And this, from the same site: https://www.truelovescam.com/stop-love-bombing/ "Stop Love Bombing: 5 Ways So ya met a cutie. And holy-moly, my word do they l-o-v-e- you! It’s nuts! They can’t stop texting, calling, messaging… They are hung-up on you, baby! Love bombing is the name we give to those flirty texts that don’t stop. The messaging that begins even before a first date and from the moment you meet this gorgeous heart-throb. They often roll-out, day-one with the habitual “good morning beautiful“. Readers of this website of mine realize that I’m female and can catch bits of my story to know the maniac who I married was male – a male sociopath. I have however done enough recovery coaching with both males and females pursued by female sociopaths to know that female sociopaths do the same aggressive messaging, initiating the dance of fraud that we think is true love. Love Bombing is the Tool that Injects Coercive Control In any case, male, female, non-binary, trans – any gender love has nothing to do with love bombing. Sociopaths have a different brain. Parts of it do not function. The missing part is the part that feels love, connects and bonds with and cares about others. Sometimes we meet a person who we’re suddenly, magnetically drawn to and it seems like an a-m-a-z-i-n-g person on the face of the earth. Like bananas amazing. This is highly likely a sociopath. Other times meeting a sociopath right out of the gate we can only think: eeeew, they’re kinda yucky. Sociopaths, as the hunters they are, must persevere and sort through many many people before they hit on that one that clicks. Mr or Ms Perfect Has That Magic MoJo That Draws Us In Love bombing is the way sociopaths drive the hook in and reel in their loot: us. Contact with us from their slimy, slithering hypnotic-self is their only method they have to hunt and ensnare prey. They lay out this barrage of flattery, query, compliment, suggestive-patter of nonsense, declarations of our beauty and all the rest as are their only verbal tool for reeling in a juicy new human. Their silent charm is the main and most powerful attribute that hooks their intended target. Though we might feel it rising from them and wrapping into our flesh like a human-eating vine, this “charm” is not a skill. They have it from birth. Some become more practiced than others in the little snips of bait and tricks they learn along the way. Love Bombing is the Predator Getting To Work Hard and Fast In order to grab us, from moment-one they’ve got to get busy presenting their inherent quality of magnetism (coercive control that we interpret as charm or charisma) through constant contact: that’s all they’ve got. After all, they’ve been predators and parasites their entire lives. Our response whether immediately tumbling under their inborn quality of hypnotic coercive control, or straining against it in resistance, they are compelled to plunge ahead. – We are the ones who stop it. Love Bombing Is Bait to Ensnare Life-Sustaining Prey Even though we feel they do things skillfully and find their tactics as impressive: they are not. Please, let’s set that notion aside when we catch ourselves feeling it. We see them and interpret what they do as “genius”, or think, “they’re really good at this” because we’d never think of making such brazen or persistent efforts, and because we wouldn’t have this impact on others if we wanted to. This is because we aren’t innately endowed with dark-and-evil-coercive control. They were simply born with this quality of mesmerizing others as their way to survive. We, on the other hand, survive and thrive by our natural and DNA-wired quality of connection to others. In order to end the spell, we must break that connection and stop ourselves from continuing it. – They certainly won’t willingly drop the brand new piece of tasty plump human they’ve got by their fangs. – Why would they? How to Stop Love Bombing We’ve got myriad options to stop love bombing: but only one of them is effective. Can you decide which is best from those listed here? ((continues...))" ____________________________ He rushed over, but didn't have anything much to say...didn't feel an explanation was necessary? See, when you said about rushing over, I naturally assumed he would have! So that's a Red Flag, I'm afraid...it smacks more of being placed to monitor your state for the purposes of not getting chucked, i.e. for his own safety and benefit. Go look at Curly's thread from the last 2 weeks. She reveals that hers would dismiss her valid bad mood with him by diverting her - playing the clown.... thereby dodging confrontation and having to explain. You keep getting delayed reactions that sound severe. This is not natural in a normal relationship. It's characteristic of having been love-bombed, whereby you are far too bonded for the pithy amount of trust that's had a chance to build. And that's like traversing the abyss between two cliff faces, via a rickety rope-bridge with no safetynet underneath, which itself, even without any antagonisms and discombobulators, can have you intermittently wobbling or panicking, even (beneficially in this case) with the slightest gust of wind. It's a kind of - How am I here, let alone this high up without any safety equipment? How did I even get here? This is very risky for me? I don't feel safe enough. Correct? ___________________________________________ "My brain feels more like it’s trapped in a groove. Having perfectly good explainations for things, seeing evidence that my thoughts are true but playing them over nevertheless." SEEMING evidence. " Always good to be vigilant but not like this." THERE YOU GO - YOU'VE GOT IT. I've frisked you, and you're fine. So there HAS to be valid cause for concern and panicking. No matter WHAT they say or HOW they spin and twist words/meanings, no matter WHAT gallant acts to impress - if your inner animal smells wolf fur, IT IS GOING TO TELL YOU BY MAKING YOU FEEL SENSATIONS OF BEING IN DANGER'S WAY. And even emotional maulingn is dangerous...literally as equally as dangerous as physical threat. _________________________________ "On to the friends. Gooodness me. Long time ago now. These friends were white, and they also did not like me at the time. At all. They were convinced my bf was lying about having changed, which they had little evidence for. He had recently had a falling out with one of them- because he made a joke she didn’t find funny. The intent was sarcastic but nevertheless she didn’t find it funny, and at the time he struggled to wrap his head around why she was upset, though he acknowledged it was not his intent to cause harm. Since all of this, that friend has forgiven him on the basis that she understands his intent and the work he’s done since to adjust the joke he tells and what jokes are for him to tell. They’re pretty good friends independently of me and I understand it’s been very much put to bed since they went to colleg together and we camped with her just this year. The other friends involved have all apologised for their reactions, saying it wasn’t their place and that my bf is clearly changed for the better and good person. Since this, I’ve had one or two people have issues with him or my choice but these have all turned out to be mostly based on misconceptions (them thinking he still uses this language, them thinking I don’t tan are about his past etc). All of since tried to or have made amends with us both for jumping a bit too far ahead " Yes, but still. He clearly has brought-up-sharp or outright offended one HECK of a lot of people in record time. Not normal. Red Flag. Maybe that was his litmus of your potential support network? What does THIS one do if I say/do "this"? How much scope do I have/what will I be able to get away with/how feisty or insightful are they? My Nex-Sociopath whoops!-offended like that at the start, too. My friends were religious so he got as close as he dared to making religious faux-pas (his opinions). And then, suddenly, after a few months, he magically ceased coming out with those things and thereafter showed zero interest in discussing religion full-stop. (Trust me, it's good we're doing this - rifling through his pockets and such.) "But given all of this stress and the fact I’m an overthinker anyway," What's your definition of an over-thinker? "and the fact there’s elements of his past I have NOT fully made amends with (and that’s just the reality of his upbringing, I love him but I don’t have to love his past) he knows sometimes that if I think he’s saying something that pertains to him not being who he has been telling me and showing me he is, that makes me panic." Then you'd think he would be dismayed enough to walk (rightfully) on eggshells in that respect, and, through that, find it quite easy to ...NOT...KEEP....DOING IT! That's more than a Red Flag - THAT'S A GOTCHA! Red Flag! Evidence baggy No. 1! "Were those people right! How should I feel! Am I getting this right! " I think you're right to be alarmed and skeptical, yes - DEFINITELY. "Etc etc most of these thoughts feel somewhat irrational." Yes. And that's another Red Flag because I'm here to tell you they are not irrational AT ALL. Quite the opposite. But if you've never felt them like that before because, other than 'straight' Narcs, you've never been targetted by a Narc-Spath before, then, they WON'T feel rational. Nor familiar/explicable. Those inputs would have to have been CREATED by a rational mind to do that. I think you've been picking up the scent of a Wolf, but because you don't have the vocabulary nor frame of reference for that experience and therefore cannot locate and identify your reasons in any understandable way. He might just be mild but if you're already injured from before then of course the signal would be stronger, as if he were a big one. Sense? Alternatively, he might just be too thick, insensitive, ham-fisted and unsophisticated for you (cute tho he may be), and be liable to hurt you just because of that clumsiness? Again, the fact you have still-openable prior wounds would still make him a threat and be enough to give you the full 'Blues 'n Twos' moments. Again - sense? "So while it’s certainly possible he is secretly truly racist, it doesn’t really match up with any of his life. It would have to be some really private hidden thing and to be honest I’m not sure why he would bother or where the fuck he would get the time haha." The satisfaction of conning a woman and then getting to put her on a leash whenever she's not tied to the kitchen sink. Psych fact: Racists are also Misogynists. Maybe he's trying to escape racism but hasn't dealt with the misogyny side??...and secretly wants to turn a feisty one (challenge) into his doormat? "Alas you have clocked me! I’ve trusted many people and been betrayed. Even my current bf, has forgotten parts of his past (understandble so, some of these events he was 13 or 14 for)" Aw, bum - another Red Flag. And I'm betting he has whole chunks of memories missing, compared to your merely missing frames, yes? "and realising bits and pieces he forgot made me panic, even when I could tell he didn’t hide them on purpose. " So do you mean that things came to light which SHED a very different light on, and subtly changed the meanings behind everything that you'd thought you'd understood/been given the correct context/extent of? "Always the suspicion that the hiding could be intentional- despite these things being obvious, despite them clearly having been forgotten by all parties involved, always the worry you know?" Yeah - that's the thing: I DO know. And a lot of what you're saying matches my knowledge and personal experiences AND (at the time) 'INEXPLICABLE' feelings of concern or alarm. "Okay. I was abused. When I was 13-15. Still unpacking the impact of that. Oh and also I’ve had anxiety and depression issues since I was very young. So that’s there too." Then you haven't been trusting people, only to be betrayed. You've been trusting Betrayers. Narcs. They're very good at posing as everyday, normal People but they're not People because their brains don't work right and lack the parts (missing or frazzled) that make us Human. They're ucking good actors, parrots, chameleons, is what they are. *********************************** Right - Solution: I always say, the time for getting a therapist is when you BEGIN a relationship. That way, they can provide the service of being your Constant, one uninfluencable by his/her handsome face, cologne, physical chemistry, Sociopathic/Psychopathic Effect, whatever, etc. You'll get truthful feedback if you diarise his behaviour on a regular basis, whereby you include all the good and positive stuff too, to ensure an equal hearing from the Defence as well as the Prosecution (proper judging). It's inevitable that you'll hit that point where you start to be able to put your finger on things. But meanwhile, I can keep my eye out for any dodgy stuff and more Red flags. Meantime, you should know what you know/fear what you fear but keep schtum while proceeding with caution and submitting him for said regular frisks. Does that sound like a clever plan, Stan?

PS: "I love my bf. He’s not the sharpest tool in the box bless him. I have access to his phone (I don’t go through it I just play games on it lol) so I could easily look for any of this if I wanted too and he knows that. After everything we’ve gone through a lie like that would seem? Heinous? And pointless. But alas" First sentance: N-Spath characteristic (deliberate illusion to avoid suspicion and culpability). Phone: And he also knows by now that YOU DON'T look. But even if you did look: What if that's just the phone you're aware of and he's got others. (Very common with malignants.) What 'everything' you've gone through? So there's more 'teething pains" than these? Heinous and Pointless are their middle names. So - yes, but not to a Narc. Potentially.

PPS: 'So he loves me..........But WHAT loves me!?' Oh, yes, and also: They deliberately offend your friends so that the friends won't want to hang-out much, or at all, any more ("can't stand him and He Comes Too now so..."). See your would-be supporters OFF, in other words. A man in-love wouldn't need telling twice. Re-committing the faux pas despite knowing it sends his Numero Uno into horrid anxiety attacks, and with so many of your circle, does NOT gel with insta-rushing over to yours out of concern for YOU. But to Damage-Limit and Control The Outcome. Can you see how this alternative explanation DOES gel? Including the fact he was only willng to explain WHEN PROMPTED...when he HAD to? (Sorreeeee.... :( But let's keep an open mind as we keep monitoring because he could just be a thick and insensitive tw*t 'with (USEABLE) potential'.) Anyway... feel free to go into detail re these verbal 'slip-ups' in front of your people? The more data, the better and faster. Spill EVERYTHING, in other words...anything you can think of. Oh, and, we'll get to the abuse part. (Welcome to the club - hah. Just about everyone here was, in whatever ways, too!)

Hi! So I genuinely feel like I’ve led you astray. Not intentionally of course but none of this gels with my perception of my boyfriend at all, to be honest? And I understand in an abuse situation it wouldn’t, but hear me out. “Over the internet maybe” - I think I’ve maybe under explained our involvement in each others lives. I see him all the time, when we’re not at university he basically lives in my house at home as he parents are pretty racist and also just generally not nice and he avoids being home with them. There would be little space to hide this behaviour at all. I’m not saying it’s impossible but it’s highly improbable, especially given his very public and very dramatic distancing from the friends he had when we started dating. Walking on egg shells and over abuse tactics- God I can not explain how much this man walks on egg shells around me. It’s actually a major issue. He doesn’t talk about him doing it very much but I can tell when we discuss certain subject matters he is afraid of putting his foot in it- not because he will accidentally use offensive language or something like that, but because he doesn’t want to say something very plain, like when we were in the airport a few months back and he described a family member of mine as being “sneaky”. He meant meaning that none of us know what the guy does for a job or how he gets his money but I immediately had an intrusive thought that said “oh that’s a race related comment” He actively encourages me to bring these things up to him when I think then- even when he is surprised and shocked by my implication of what I’ve thought he was saying. I think he wants me to trust him but he understands my position. When he came over he DID explain. I was trying to get at that he didn’t over explain, I didn’t feel like he was shoving an accepted version of reality down my throat. He listened and I asked and he explained. It was a very upsetting situation for me. I know what abuse is, I have helped many people out of incredibly abusive situations. None of the things you’ve described (or the things you had me Google, thank you) lined up with my partner. We’ve been dating for three years now and I did not feel in the beginning that we moved particularly fast (or any faster than 16 year olds would anyway!!) I understand your perspective that there are red flags and I have a lot to fear but I honestly find it hard to line them up with reality. I have some very intrusive thoughts. I’ve spoken to friends, therapists and the like who believe I have anxiety or OCD. A lot of the feelings I have related to this topic feel overwhelming and disconnected and often force me to take on personal guilt and undue stress. The stress often feels strangely disconnected to my bf and the thoughts are rarely if ever very rational. I don’t have a very rational brain- while I respect and appreciate you assuming my assumptions are correct, and while I’m not stupid to brush everything of as overthinking, I do overthink. For example, at the moment when I think about eating Asian food I feel guilty. That’s how ridiculous this has become for me. That’s where my brain is at. Now I’ve come a long way to realise these thoughts I’ve had for a lot of my life are not rational and not normal and it’s been really nice to be able to separate them from myself. I am not my thoughts. My brain is irrational. It tells me I have no friends, that I shouldn’t trust anyone, that I don’t deserve to be happy, that’s everyone thinks poorly of me. I can’t trust it all the time. The friends thing! I genuinely can’t say that I think my bf has ever intentionally offended my friends, mostly because they are all friends now, years later. On top of this he actively encourages me to make new friends, helps me into spaces that would make me socially anxious, and when I do meet these new friends he engages whole heartedly with them. Most people like him a lot, and I’ve overheard him engage in some pretty hard conversations about race and racism to friends of mine and his own while I’m not even in the room. I know that he has reported racists at his university, that he has ditched housemates and friends over it. The double personality would be a conspiracy at this point (and it’s one even my irrational brain struggles to fully buy into) He doesn’t only explain when prompted, but often he waits for me to be ready to talk which I am not always. I can not make excuses for the things he has forgotten. I don’t have explanation for it- I’m not in his brain. All I can say is that oftentimes in the situations, those who were involved in the situations with him have also forgotten most of what happened because of the time gaps. We have discussed how him not being able to recount things in detail has caused me harm, but a therapist suggested it might be better to stop recounting all together- my bf will never remember perfectly after all- and that the best way to tackle things would be to focus on the now and the person he has become. We often talk about politics at length, religion and race, and we have healthy debates about certain things (though these never seem to be us really disagreeing, we set a rule recently that because we often land in the same spot politically if we want to have a debate someone has to take the devils advocate just so that the conversations doesn’t devolve into us just repeating the same points and nodding in agreement). Maybe you are right. Maybe he is a very abusive man than I’ve read completely wrong, and I have spent the last three years being love bombed and lied too. I’m not sure what to do with that, honestly. Other than to say it doesn’t seem, when I’m reading, that any of these things are true. My boyfriend seems like a genuine, honest person. (He always knows that I have been through his search history, not looking for anything in particular haha, but sometimes to get certain websites or images back from the last time I saw him). The reference of everything we’ve been through. Nothing particularly outside of what I told you other then yes, learjing about his past and thinking it over has effected me and he knows this. He also knows there’s been times that I have gotten into that obsessive groove and it meant I just needed some time out to reevaluate what was good for me. The conversations we had and the honesty and remorse I saw from him during this time out proved to me that by being with him I was making the right choice. This recent slip has dissappinted me to say the least, it feels so out of character and in the months since nothing similar has happened. I’m left wondering- what’s the right thing to do? Should I even be dating someone who can slip like that, even completely by accident? I don’t know. I don’t know. I still feel wobbly, like there’s judging eyes everywhere and I’m getting my whole life wrong. It’s unbearable. But when I come back to my boyfriend he is always listening, he is always patient. He tells me no one is judging me, that I don’t have a bad bone in my body and that he is grateful for my patience and strength. He calls me very brave. I don’t feel very brave. But my friends think I am too :) I have lots of friends. Strange thing to say out loud as an adult but my anxiety is often telling me I don’t so it’s nice to write it out on paper. I have lots of friends. They listen to me and they love me and I’ve talked to them about my partner. Many people feel uneasy about it initially, that’s perfectly reasonable, but in conversation with him or me it becomes clear exactly what kind of person he has grown into and is still growing into. A recounting of our text conversation about this event: Him: Red my love you are doing the best you can do and I think that is the right thing. It might be hard. But I trust you :). And everything you do for me, you and for us. Me: I know :( and I appreciate that. I’m currently just sort of trying to find the balance between accepting that you will make mistakes and that these while bad and important that you are held accountable for, are going to happen when you’re in the process of self betterment. Especially considering the context of what happened. I just hope that doesn’t make me, or you for that matter, fundamentally worse allies or bad people. But I know it’s not right for me to take in the guilt of your mistakes Him: I don't think it does. I suppose that's not really for me to say. But I only ever want to be the best ally and best person that I can Me: And I know that I’m a committed ally and I truly truly hope that the way we are handling it is not minimising it or mishandling it. (In reply to his previous message) I know that! And I hope you know that that takes real work and effort. actions speak louder than words. if you genuinely want to be a better ally commit to real concrete things and change and effort- I think that’s the best way foreword. Him: I agree! I recognise what it is I need to do, though I have been doing it for a long time now, I never want to stop trying. Me: I think this almost slip has shown that there is always more work to do Him: And I do also need to accept that I will never be perfect, And will always have work to do Me: yes, there’s always more room for growth.

"So I genuinely feel like I’ve led you astray. Not intentionally of course but none of this gels with my perception of my boyfriend at all, to be honest? And I understand in an abuse situation it wouldn’t, but hear me out. " Correct, it wouldn't be. But okay... "“Over the internet maybe” - I think I’ve maybe under explained our involvement in each others lives. I see him all the time, when we’re not at university he basically lives in my house at home as he parents are pretty racist and also just generally not nice and he avoids being home with them. There would be little space to hide this behaviour at all. I’m not saying it’s impossible but it’s highly improbable, especially given his very public and very dramatic distancing from the friends he had when we started dating." They find time even when living and working with their partner/spouse. *IF* (I repeat the word and that this is merely a frisk/safety check that EVERY Normal-Decent should take, given the erstwhile risks) he were a wolf in sheep's clothing - or a nice enough guy but whom was dating you for any OTHER inauthentic, deliberate, but relationship-inappropriate reason, for example, getting to stick two fingers up at the parents, that he has not sought your acceptance over, then obviously it would be happening during his Uni hours. Or it could be a group on XBox Live, even? We need facts that gel with your feelings, not just feelings. And this process is how we find them. "Walking on egg shells and over abuse tactics- God I can not explain how much this man walks on egg shells around me. It’s actually a major issue. He doesn’t talk about him doing it very much but I can tell when we discuss certain subject matters he is afraid of putting his foot in it- not because he will accidentally use offensive language or something like that, but because he doesn’t want to say something very plain, like when we were in the airport a few months back and he described a family member of mine as being “sneaky”. He meant meaning that none of us know what the guy does for a job or how he gets his money but I immediately had an intrusive thought that said “oh that’s a race related comment”. How is that a race-related comment? ALL humans can be sneaky sometimes (despite the healthier you are, the less you'll see or appreciate any need to be, i.e. it's about Pervasive Patterns (and as a cocktail), not rare occurrences, especially not in isolation). Okay - that one IS an over-reaction...to great and unrealistic a leap. Noted. However, how does any family member not have a clue what another family member does for a living? I agree, that does indicate deceptiveness (by omission of one of the the bog-standard familial dislosures). Doesn't mean he is hiding his job, just means he COULD be. "He actively encourages me to bring these things up to him when I think then- even when he is surprised and shocked by my implication of what I’ve thought he was saying. I think he wants me to trust him but he understands my position." Yes, but, we have limited actions available, meaning, he might do that even just for the purposes of checking and monitoring your temperature but presenting it as caring. So - HYPOTHETICALLY - I stand by my opinion that this should stay on the Potential Evidence table for now, at this early stage. Trust is not handed over on a plate, not beyond the automatic, minimal but adequate amount (i.e. shake a stranger's hand rather than scream and leap backwards). Trust means you have gotten to know someone so well that you can predict how they would act/react in any given, realistic situation under myriad cirumstances (which you can extrapolatively apply to all imaginable, standard scenarios). No nasty surprises. And Trust is what makes you feel Safe. ...But, again, I'm with him on that above example is typical of the sort of thing you react defensively or worriedly to? Is it? If it is, then this can be ELIMINATED from the PE table. Or, if not, or if there are plenty of perfectly reasonable causes for reaction, it can remain with a question-mark over it. So - RsVP? "When he came over he DID explain. I was trying to get at that he didn’t over explain, I didn’t feel like he was shoving an accepted version of reality down my throat. He listened and I asked and he explained. It was a very upsetting situation for me." Were you? Let me look again at what you originally put: "I think he sensed that from me. He didn’t really say or do much when he came over, just sat with me and listened. He didn’t try to explain himself overly other than when I asked him too, he just sat, listened and hugged. He assured me of his truth and said he was committed to being truly good. It seemed simple."" Okay. Then I'll remove that piece from the table. But I'm afraid you've thrown up another item for inspection: 'I am committed to being truly good'. If he has - past tense - rejected his family's (and friends') ways and indeed does NOT have a secret 'locker-room' wherein he secretly gets to vent/puke out any racist hatred, then, surely he is *already* being truly good? So why would be have to be comitted to being TRULY good? Is he at this point having, to any degree, be FALSELY good? Or does he mean, 'Committed to being your idea of truly good'? Or mean - 'to being SUPREMELY good?'. And is this what you're getting at when you indicate he isn't articulate nor eloquent, to point of, can be clumsy and offend? So his faux pas aren't JUST racially offensive ones, then? RSvP? "I know what abuse is, I have helped many people out of incredibly abusive situations. None of the things you’ve described (or the things you had me Google, thank you) lined up with my partner. We’ve been dating for three years now and I did not feel in the beginning that we moved particularly fast (or any faster than 16 year olds would anyway!!)" Well, 16-year-olds are notoriously too fast, but 3 years is too good an innings for that age/stage, usually. However - that's good to know! "I understand your perspective that there are red flags and I have a lot to fear but I honestly find it hard to line them up with reality." Yes, but the trouble is - the targets do tend to. With Malig Coverts, and/or N-Spaths in hooking mode, especially, it usually IS the friends and family whom express concerns, confusions, reservations. Because the target is 'under the influence' (it's like being on the Matrix, drip-fed Happy Pills), whereas the witnesses, those that know you and care about you enough, to be brave enough to voice concerns, are stone-cold sober yet still wanting or being open to his being innocent and just having got him wrong - for your sake. Similarly, if they're a Cerebral Covert, it can take years before you see it and cease thinking there must be something wrong with *you*. There are many different types and styles - or mish-mashes - and co-morbidities. Do you have first-hand, long-term experience of a Malignant Cerebral Covert or Narcissistic Sociopath during and beyond the first c. 2 years (or more if the woman is a particularly tough nut to crack - which, clearly, you in one regard, are, namely, ability to trust and let go)? Here's a fact: you should feel safe with him after 3 whole years at your ages (where time passes more slowly than for full-grown adults plus the fact virtually all day every day is spent together). *Yet you don*'t. And while reading through your post, I, who does - including the Theory - and countless examples here and in RL - felt unsafe with you...and NOT because of any influence on your part (I'm immune to peer-pressure). And I'm the one that correctly identified that you were still post-abused so... as I was reading, I was going "Tick....tick....tick..." from recognising the barely-visible yet inarguably present. Yet on the other hand, you would rather (no offence, I'm used to it) play a bit dumb by giving me the worst example possible out of the indicatively many triggers ('sneaky is a racist word') than 'go there'. Or do you have more than the one unreasonable example in that vein, that you can produce? But I repeat: we're going slowly, inch by inch, so there's no need to try so hard to defend him. Unless this exercise is simply too soon and too painful? In which case - fair enough. "I have some very intrusive thoughts. I’ve spoken to friends, therapists and the like who believe I have anxiety or OCD." I'd say OCD Thinking, not actual OCD - unless you are a slave to certain rituals? (Although - here we go again because, all people in your boat experience the compulsion to intensively think things through, only to find themselves facing a dead end in that maze and having to take the emergency short-cut in order to begin again from the start (unless they find the Guide). Definitely anxiety, yes. That's why it may be too soon and too much to do such a thorough frisking? "A lot of the feelings I have related to this topic feel overwhelming and disconnected and often force me to take on personal guilt and undue stress." Ok, haha, this is weird - this keeps happening, lately. I say/suggest something and then the very next paragraph the poster's saying it his/herself, when I haven't even peeked ahead! But - GOOD, then. At least you know it's too much. Haha, clearly I could hear the fizzing/pressure building so I guess it was pretty inevitable that what would come next would be the POP!, haha. But - that's perfectly okay? "The stress often feels strangely disconnected to my bf and the thoughts are rarely if ever very rational. I don’t have a very rational brain- while I respect and appreciate you assuming my assumptions are correct, and while I’m not stupid to brush everything of as overthinking, I do overthink. For example, at the moment when I think about eating Asian food I feel guilty. That’s how ridiculous this has become for me. That’s where my brain is at. Now I’ve come a long way to realise these thoughts I’ve had for a lot of my life are not rational and not normal and it’s been really nice to be able to separate them from myself. I am not my thoughts." Inner Animals when they and their host/hostess are stressed, have no concept of glass because when THEY were still directly in-charge as the visible, outer animal, glass didn't exist. And this is why so many men and women, on having just found-out their spouse has cheated, whereby their conscious minds are 'out for the count', end up walking through glazed doors. And other such examples. Just because you believe these thoughts aren't rational, doesn't prove they are. Just means you have yet to find the original root cause(s) and make sense of why This or That, seemingly inexplicably, acts as a trigger. But it's not rocket-science given your history, is it. I mean, for all WE know, it's the way he flicks his hair! And other mannerisms. ??? Fact: something about the guy is triggering your anxiety. And now, something about the guy has triggered mine - on your behalf. No offence, but - if it really were all you, then, what kind of guy would be willing to be this tolerant and patient of an emotionally high-maintenance, high-octane relationship? Are you his only refuge from the super-high-maintenances (his family), perhaps? Could be? "My brain is irrational. It tells me I have no friends, that I shouldn’t trust anyone, that I don’t deserve to be happy, that’s everyone thinks poorly of me. I can’t trust it all the time." So do all recovering targets. Being a victim of a Narcissistic abuser is far worse, even, than having been a frontline Vietnam vet doing two back-to-back tours of duty. Did you know that - and why that is? "The friends thing! I genuinely can’t say that I think my bf has ever intentionally offended my friends, mostly because they are all friends now, years later." How does the fact they're nowadays all friends prove that it was never intentional or suspiciously careless? (Are they all older than him?) Well, anyway - I've just realised I'm still proceeding, so - what do you want me to do at this point? Continue with the rest? Give you a break? Take longer between replies in future? Leave it for a few months but keep your thread active by posting a Hi every month or two (it expires after 90 of no posting)?

I've just read a few phrases of the rest and, actually, I'll finish up. I just didn't want to keep going if I/talking about/putting him to the frisky test and to this depth was triggering you because it was too soon, but I see that you're at a crossroads to....be back asap. :)

Right then - to finish the frisking... "He doesn’t only explain when prompted, but often he waits for me to be ready to talk which I am not always." Which is fair enough. "I can not make excuses for the things he has forgotten. I don’t have explanation for it- I’m not in his brain." Me, neither. But I do. Potentially. Walking On Eggshells is warranted sometimes. It's when it's used unwarrantedly, inappropriately, unfairly, cruelly, and was unprovoked or too out-of-kilter with the triggering event, that it's socially and humanly unacceptable. If I had triggered you by stepping accidentally on your toe, whereby your reactions showed you were upset and seriously spooked, I would make damn sure it didn't have a second time. ESPECIALLY if I'd had similar feedback from your friends, early on. If he's not over the habit - he's not over the habit and sadly that means you're dating someone highly triggerable, that, perhaps, is happening simply as he feels more relaxed and safe with you/the relationship himself. Or he could covertly be keeping you destabilized, and it's taken 3 years because (1) only now have enough drops amassed to show a repeated, too-frequent pattern; and (2) NSpaths, the dinosaurs whom can't change/update due to an illness that's passed around and down the generations, with accordingly glaringly out-of-date racism/misogyny, keep up the good impression AND actions until you feel you CANNOT any longer refuse to trust them or that'd prove YOU issue-ridden (when it's just they're the long-time, slow-and-deep primers AND inadvertently have a hypnotic effect during the entire hooking-in (to an unbelievable depth!) - I'll give you links and article extracts if you want?). If you're especially stubborn, not even that can make you throw the rest of yourself into the relationship, but it'll mean feeling horribly pressured as you wonder, should I proceed or shouldn't I...and scrabbling desperately around for more evidence, whether it be For or Against. The usual priming time is 18mths to 2.5 years, although that obviously also depends on how long it takes for the target to realise that this person KEEPS making the same whoops-mistakes - or same vein of - that are NOT tiny and should go against their grain because of how precious you are to them. There again: he could be so into you that he means well but is kidding himself that he's even remotely as advanced as you, especially where still recovering from bad rearing/trauma is concerned. AND he's only 19 so - he hasn't had much time, has he. And he's too young to self-discipline himself to the degree whereby he passes up, not just a gf but a Megan. Thing is....I have found it hard to keep in mind his still-developing/self-correcting age (especially eQ). Mainly because you yourself sound much older than 19. But even if the faux pas-ing triggers are completely accidental because he's got learning problems OR his brain's too overcrowded to keep himself in check that way....it still all comes back to: You can't be a guy's role-model/rescuer if his injuries are only at scabbing-over stage and thereby trigger you. So you DO need to slow it down, make yourselves less constantly stuck together, so he's dedicating more brainpower to unlearning-and-relearning than yours and his relationship, so as to catch up to your level, and see if that helps. The situation at present, is untenable. "All I can say is that oftentimes in the situations, those who were involved in the situations with him have also forgotten most of what happened because of the time gaps. We have discussed how him not being able to recount things in detail has caused me harm, but a therapist suggested it might be better to stop recounting all together- my bf will never remember perfectly after all- and that the best way to tackle things would be to focus on the now and the person he has become." 1. So you're saying these gaps in memory appertain to these 2/3-year-old faux-pas with said friends? (PS: you can remember it, though...maybe the friends just didn't want to dredge up the past because being in the middle is a touchy area, or because as far as they're concerned, it's all water under the bridge? 2. A Therapist suggested WHAT? That because the elephant in the room as has emerged from under the table, has upset you, it'd be better to shove it back under the table and pretend it isn't there so that...what - presumably it can't? UH?! A THERAPIST? HUH? (And what are you calling a therapist?) Wow. 3. How does S/HE know he'll never get those memories back - what was that conclusion based on? 4. And to focus on the now and the person he has become, when your problem is, needing toute suite to KNOW if that's truly in the past, meaning, HAS genuinely become, meaning, you're NOT in danger but sensing early (the elusives that know no words)? What the serious beep?! This I've GOT to hear! My GOD - has ANY third party supported you over this? Where's your Mum? "We often talk about politics at length, religion and race, and we have healthy debates about certain things (though these never seem to be us really disagreeing, we set a rule recently that because we often land in the same spot politically if we want to have a debate someone has to take the devils advocate just so that the conversations doesn’t devolve into us just repeating the same points and nodding in agreement). " Got it - cheers for that. "Maybe you are right." I'd rather I wasn't actually...given the choice. But being a Truth-sayer, nyeeea... You see my problem. "Maybe he is a very abusive man than I’ve read completely wrong, and I have spent the last three years being love bombed and lied too." YES, BUT THIS IS THE THING: you can end up reacting early to what IS there as much as what isn't. And bar that one example up there ("sneaky"), I don't see you over-reacting. I'd have played safe and bloody trotted out sharpish under that reent circumstance as well! "I’m not sure what to do with that, honestly." Step back.....have room to review the tapes while still taking in regular data - or ask for a wee separation "because you're going through old baggage" (which is not a lie to say) - or end it - OR quickly study up on "whoops-mistake-whoops-mistake etc" as a way of doing a belated Safety-Check. That latter way you get to discern between, he's bitten off more than he can chew because his jaw isn't adult-sized enough yet versus is delighting in duping you (and your crowd) to that existential/spiritual degree? Or could be that he started out with however-much bad intention but then fell in-love with not just you and your friends but whole enlightened, more intelligent way of being (e.g. you lot are a lot happier than his lot)? I don't think you CAN do much else at this point. Except to keep sifting and frisking and, as I say, diarise the positives too so that we can actually deduce what's which. " Other than to say it doesn’t seem, when I’m reading, that any of these things are true. My boyfriend seems like a genuine, honest person. (He always knows that I have been through his search history, not looking for anything in particular haha, but sometimes to get certain websites or images back from the last time I saw him)." Yes, again - he could be lovely! But he could be putting it on. Or converted. Here's a thing though: you imagine if you or I knew we'd discombobulated/offended even ONE of our new Numero Uno's friends! We'd be on high alert to be a darn sight more careful from then on. Right? So this 'keeps doing it' - but now, ONLY with you (correct?)...those two combined are worryingly suspicious and recognisable to me in theory and practice (first, second, third-hand). "The reference of everything we’ve been through. Nothing particularly outside of what I told you other then yes, learjing about his past and thinking it over has effected me and he knows this." I would need to know what these enlightenments were, as opposed to what you'd believed or understood at the first telling. (You see, this is ANOTHER symptom - feeding you true stories in lies/withholding of contextualisers, then bits of contradictory, more revealing/worrying truth following over the subsequent months/first 2 years, be they accidental slip-ups or his deliberately coming out very gradually. If a guy got satisfaction out of keeping you destablized or even triggered, then it stands to reason he'd want to keep doing it but, in order to keep farming that reaction, pretend it were accidental habit. Also stands to reason that he'd want to SEE you have that reaction - for as long as it lasted. See my problem in amongst the other of my observation issues? Neither I nor anyone else here want to see you get hurt again, either. You're being safe, rather than sorry. That's all you're doing. It's nothing to panic over or beat yourself up about. ************BUT...I WOULD like you to start trying this: DO NOT REACT next time, but DO calmy JUST LEAVE and, most to be said is (mildly mock apologetically): 'Gotta go, sorry, you did it again', plus a brief sentance to say you want to see if you can sort YOURSELF this time so no need to rush round. Do you want to try that...It would definitely help your emotional state if you have it as your Emergency Procedure next occasion? If how he reacts/responds makes it seem like you've DEPRIVED and THWARTED him....e.g. he emotionally forces you to let him be there for the whole reaction...well.... If he RESPECTS your wish, however (and 3 times) - phew. Because you can always say the experiment didn't work and change things back again (easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy). Idea? I always say, if you can't spot enough evidence that you have a zit brewing because the deeply-hidden zit is itching/hurting (because you're sensitive and especially sensitive), but nowhere near visible - fiddle with it until it comes to a head. That's how to hurry up the inevitable (because you can do that to skin where there isn't any brewing zit and, accordingly, nothing will happen).**************** You're not powerless at all, you see. Far from it. And if you approach it like a science experiment, you'll be wearing a White lab coat instead of being naked when your skin is already still sore from uggers in the past. But - UUUGHCH!....when you suddenly wonder if somehow you've got another one......UH!.... I know THAT feeling, too. "He also knows there’s been times that I have gotten into that obsessive groove and it meant I just needed some time out to reevaluate what was good for me. The conversations we had and the honesty and remorse I saw from him during this time out proved to me that by being with him I was making the right choice." Yeah, but again, the trouble is, Narcs are fantastic actors who model themselves ON men (or women) truly in-love! It is SO difficult when all we have is limited ranges and sets of behaviours, for comparing/judging, at only 3 years in. "This recent slip has dissappinted me to say the least," Yeah... Me too. :( You DO deserve someone who has all he has but whom doesn't give you the willies, doesn't have that big a downside. " it feels so out of character" Oh, doesn't it! "and in the months since nothing similar has happened." Maybe because IF he is a wolf, he has really sharp senses and can tell this latest wobbling caused by him/his mistake had you thinking possibly about ending it and/or being at the point where you'd issue an ultimatum? Also - another clue: you call mere months a decent enough period of abstinence, meaning, it was more than regular than once per 3 months - right? "I’m left wondering- what’s the right thing to do? Should I even be dating someone who can slip like that, even completely by accident? I don’t know. I don’t know. I still feel wobbly, like there’s judging eyes everywhere and I’m getting my whole life wrong." Well, no? You're getting it RIGHT? You've pulled on your own reins because you see what looks like a huge downpour ahead. You couldn't GET more 'doing it right!'. "It’s unbearable." I knowww... I will NEVER forget. ((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))) But don't let it be. You're here now so you have impartial, objecting but caring feedback - not just me but anyone else here whom can relate can add their thoughts and support. "But when I come back to my boyfriend he is always listening, he is always patient. He tells me no one is judging me, that I don’t have a bad bone in my body and that he is grateful for my patience and strength. He calls me very brave. I don’t feel very brave. But my friends think I am too :)" You are, but not BLINDLY, NO! "I have lots of friends. Strange thing to say out loud as an adult but my anxiety is often telling me I don’t so it’s nice to write it out on paper. " (Hee-hee!...Paper) (PS I like your handwriting). (Oh, I can tell your mind was busy mega-processing at that precise point, can't I just!) "I have lots of friends. They listen to me and they love me and I’ve talked to them about my partner. Many people feel uneasy about it initially, that’s perfectly reasonable, but in conversation with him or me it becomes clear exactly what kind of person he has grown into and is still growing into." But it's your opinion that matters here because you're the one who's alone in private with him, plus are the only witness nowadays. PLUS, we're back to - he doesn't need to be a deliberate triggerer, he could just be clumsy/forgetful, but it's just that the RESULT is the same thus still doing harm to you meanwhile. Maybe you and he can switch to being best friends for a while, until he IS over these habits?...see what that did? It does have to be Right Person, Right Place, Right Time, for a relationship to last. The happy news is, the relationship is not your association, the nature of your built dynamic and circumstances are. Starting afresh after a wee break (to break habits) is not exactly unheard of. "A recounting of our text conversation about this event:" (Fab! Well done - getting to hear them is second-to-none!...) _______________________________________________________________ "Him: Red my love you are doing the best you can do and I think that is the right thing. It might be hard. But I trust you :). And everything you do for me, you and for us. " My love? What, like - My Luv? Or old-fashioned-romantic, My Love? And why's your nickname Red and why doesn't it sound toddler-cutesy? WHAT was the right thing and WHAT might be hard, etc? I do need the context (unless I can gauge it from what follows)... And WHAT is it you do, this everything? "Me: I know :( and I appreciate that. I’m currently just sort of trying to find the balance between accepting that you will make mistakes" (OH, I SEE. Strike above question then. It obviously means, right thing in having gone home - yes?) " (I’m currently just sort of trying to find the balance between accepting that you will make mistakes) and that these while bad and important that you are held accountable for, are going to happen when you’re in the process of self betterment." Er...Not more than the once after you've seen they could too easily put your oh-so-vital relationship at risk, they aren't (as above re how you or I would only have to be told the once over something that grave, to MAKE SURE we didn't risk doing it again - or have the grace and maturity to hold our hands up and bow-out if we could see we really couldn't guarantee that(!))...albeit he's only 19 - MALE 19, not female). Anyway - bloody well put, modom. But how come he sounds like HE is the qualified, spiritual guide here all-of-a-sudden? (Potential Red Flag!) "... Especially considering the context of what happened. I just hope that doesn’t make me, or you for that matter, fundamentally worse allies or bad people. But I know it’s not right for me to take in the guilt of your mistakes" (What exactly was it that he said about Chinese people? I think that would reveal a lot.) So he tried to make you take on his guilt? What was his method? Or do you just mean, you felt guilty towards the lately more woken world generally (bar erstwhile narcs in power and despotic leaders, of course) on his behalf, like he's your kid and you're responsible for how he behaves? Correct, either way, btw, well done. "Him: I don't think it does." (Depends.) "I suppose that's not really for me to say." HUH? So let me get this right - one second he's not educated/enlightened/self-improved enough yet. But on the other hand, sits and discusses the issue he's triggered (again) as if he is, whereby he's telling you you're doing the right thing up there, when, HOW DOES HE KNOW? ______________ Pause a sec.... I really DON'T like this but I can't yet pinpoint why (it's very late, er, early)... "and I think that is the right thing. It might be hard. But I trust you :). And everything you do for me, you and for us. " Shouldn't that read, I trust you, and appreciate everything you do etc? His, by association (unless it's just laziness?), reads thus: I trust you and your ability for doing things for me, you, and us. (What - in that order?) Is he trying to say he trusts that you put yours & his - meaning, the relationship components', interests paramount? And why 'me, you', when, naturally, we say usually text it 'me AND you'? " But I only ever want to be the best ally and best person that I can" 'The'? Not - 'Your' (best ally and best person)? Me, I'm wondering: where are YOU in there? It's a bit me-me-me. 'Best person', not 'the' best person? Bit non-intimate? Could he be being this patient so he can learn Woke ways cognitively and by copying you and your mates, meanwhile, 'paying you' by being your boyfriend and thereby getting a short-cut into Woke World from Dinosaur Land? It's subtle, missable, seemingly petty and trivial, sure. But it's still not the norm. And the vague-ness and cloudiness (typical Covert/Spath still hooking mode). (And we wouldn't even be looking were it not for his detectable other mistakes/slips, would we, so it's not just this...it's the collecting picture.) Could be Freudian slips. (That's the thing: as they get safe and cocky, they drop the ball more often, more care-less-ly, including these subtle, slightly off nuances but which are great at hiding/masking the truth, including their real feelings and motivations.) What's interesting to me, is that we're BOTH going - could be innocent could be not. And YET. The fact he's EVEN UNDER the spotlight for questioning TO BEGIN WITH. I definitely do NOT feel you are making something out of nothing. ...I can feel stuff, even stuff you've not even pointed-out. Suffice to say, it's not how normal blokes speak/act. There's something too cheesy and Yes Man about him. Know what I mean? And I repeat, he shouldn't still be triggering you, should have got a scare the first time (thought of losing you even through clashing growth-stages). Anyway...back to... _________________________ "Me: And I know that I’m a committed ally and I truly truly hope that the way we are handling it is not minimising it or mishandling it." NOPE, it isn't. And I apologise and take it back, what I said about high maintenance. HE is. Because... you're not doing anything. You're just minding your own business and then suddenly, BAM! (correct?). He's the oops-constant triggerer out of nowhere, and then all film-like rushy-roundy, touchy-feely-talky-for-hoursy. NOT NORMAL. Does he no life? Are you his whole entertaining and intellectual stimulation? Wait! INDULGENT AND GRATIUITOUS - THOSE ARE THE WORDS! Very strangely indulgent for a blokie. "(In reply to his previous message) I know that! And I hope you know that that *takes real work and effort. *actions speak louder than words." (*I can't help notice - like the above example I noticed - how you keep intoning and inferring that you may be kind and patience but you ain't no fool (implication being - so watch it, pal. That, certainly, would be a danger sign for him as would have him behaving impeccably for as long as 3 months. Or maybe he IS slow to learn and has only just finally found the self-control not to?) (You, continued) ".......if you genuinely want to be a better ally commit to real concrete things and change and effort- I think that’s the best way foreword. "Him: I agree!" Not his call. You're not simultaneously giving him triggering. (And you've done it again - warned: '*If* you *genuinely*'. GOOD. And yes, I'm convinced this is why he's busting a gut. So LET'S SEE IF HE CAN KEEP IT UP!) "I recognise what it is I need to do, though I have been doing it for a long time now, I never want to stop trying.?" Doesn't he mean, endeavouring? Unless he wants to convey or reveal that after a long time now, he still is only at the point of still having to try but not progressing? "Me: I think this almost slip has shown that there is always more work to do" OOOH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOOOOOOOOH! I like you! And you're going to be FINE. (He isn't, though, if he doesn't buck up his act fast.) "Him: And I do also need to accept that I will never be perfect, And will always have work to do" That, given everything that's passed so far, sounds veery subtly (not enough for me) to be a return warning: yeah, but, I'll keep you confused cos even normals make mistakes from time to time. (NOT WHEN THEY EVIDENTLY PUT THE RELATIONSHIP IN JEOPARDY, PAAAAAL!) I'm done. He's iffy. Question remains - how much and for what reason. "Me: yes, there’s always more room for growth." (...you short-arse, haha!) Yeah - continued growth, equalling, actual progress. Not reverting back all the time/too often. Potential reasons for his however-much fake-ness (to soon to know what proportions): 1. Quickest taxi out of Dinosaur Land and over to Nice Ville - making you either (a) a means to an end with cushy free bonuses; (b) a Buy One (GF), Get One (Escape from his whole circle) Free. 2. Someone to FINALLY get to influence and control over (because he's a constantly unheard, censored No-Mark at home), which is going to his head (now addicted), and making him prod you like a toddler toy with tunes and flashing lights. 3. Narc Spath trying to score for Narcs by duping EVEN A "SO-CALLED" MOST WOKEN OF ALL HUMANS THESE DAYS, ON THE PLANET - for the satisfaction and kudos. 4. Any of the above, but he didn't expect to like and fancy you and sharing time with you so much ...so now it's all confused. He SHOULDN'T be that advanced at covert as all that at only 19. (Jeeeeez.) Whether it's malignant covert or just trying to have his cake and eat it, or because he's bored and understimulated, needs to pig-out on having affect and effect (and you're the only one he's got)...anyway, I'm repeating myself. Any of those making anything go Ping in your jello? Tell you what,though. I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN NOW. No - I always did see. I FEEL FIRST-HAND what you mean now. My Bob is Discomulated too now. (WHAT YOU UP TO, FELLA? WHAT YOU HIDING? :p) RSvP 'now' and then keep reporting. You're not mad. Not even slightly. Quite the opposite, in fact. Ultimate question: Regardless of anything else: Is he too much like extremely hard work for just a boyfriend, do you think? And is he delaying the final leg of your own healing path progress by keeping putting you back? Yep, watch AND RECORD that space.

PS: "Maybe he is a very abusive man than I’ve read completely wrong" That'd be like this: I say I like you. Next minute, I'm slapping your face out of nowhere for nothing. You wouldn't in that instance say you'd misheard me, would you. You'd say I didn't work right...wasn't right in the head.

Here you go. This is a brilliant article (and Neo is always brilliant). See if anything in here jumps out of you for sounding a bit familiar. ((my comments/additions)) __________________________ [An interview with DrP on BusinessInsider by Lindsay Dodgson] It’s possible to meet someone and feel like you’ve known them your whole life. Often, this just means you’re comfortable in each other’s company. Sometimes, though, it can be a sign of something more sinister — particularly if someone you’re dating is professing their undying love for you when you’ve only known them five minutes. Narcissists sometimes engage in love bombing, where they pretend to be everything you ever wanted ((including your same spiritual beliefs and life attitudes)), only to turn it back on you further down the line ((whoops-I sound upsettingly/chillingly like a racist, whoops done it again, gosh when WILL I get the better of this habit)). It’s a manipulative tactic to reel in their targets, showering them with affection and gifts. Then, they start gaslighting and abusing ((poking the almost-healed wounds of)) their victim, causing them to wonder what’s real. It’s all part of the plan to gain total control. ((And he SOUNDS lofty and controlling in that exchange, despite he should be humble in word, not just tone and spewing platitudes...'I agree' - THEN PROVE IT, BUSTER. Should have been more like - 'Again, I'm soooooo sorry and I'll try even harder from now on, I promise'. ...I agree...pff... "Don't tell me - SHOW me!" - Eliza Doolittle, My Fair Lady - ***and your new mantra***. DON'T TELL ME - *SHOW* ME)) ((PS: ping! that was it, yes! He sounds TOO COGNITIVE (thought without feeling; saying by-rote).)) Although there’s no global summit for all dark triad people to get together and discuss their tactics, they do seem to operate in a similar way. “It’s like they read from the same manual, even though nobody gives them that manual,” said psychologist Perpetua Neo, who works with victims of narcissistic abuse. “They’re almost programmed in the same way.” ((Yes. Because it's the same illness and it expresses through behaviour due to corrupted morals, beliefs, attitudes, thoughts, feelings, intentions, vocab/grammar, deeds, failure to do... - same as: have cold virus, will have sore throat and/or sneeze and/or drippy nose and/or coughs and/or headaches.... Bad cold? - all of them at-once. Personality Flu/Covid if you like.)) There are certain phrases ((and tones, semantics, inflections, etc.)) narcissists use, and ways they express things, that are eerily familiar to anyone who has ever dealt with one. ((Note, the severe/aware & deliberate ones (malignants), once they feel you're hooked, will say all the right emotional things (to manipulate/create false reality) but where their voice doesn't CONTAIN these emotions.)) Here are some of the most common things they might say, and what stages of the relationship to expect them in. 1. The idealisation stage Relationships with narcissists move very quickly. Neo said some people simply do mesh really well, because they have similar interests, and also complement each other’s differences. “But anybody who tries to do it too quickly early on is basically accelerating intimacy (("Narcs - rushing/creating false intimacy"), and that is bad news,” she said. “Anybody who has to do that suggests they are doing something a bit creepy.” ((Hence you ADORE and HAVE FAITH in this guy who keeps destablizing and hurting you that little too often for 3 sodding years of trying. You're hooked but he hasn't done the building trust bit...flying high but aware you've no safetynet (which you should after 3 shole years unless he really is a slow learner. Might even be because he won't LEAVE that toxic family nest of his and is still hearing it all bloody day and night. Could be? You can't heal and learn in proper time if you're still surrounded by the uggers - no way.).)) In the first few weeks narcissists will say things like: “You’re my soulmate.” “I’ve never met anyone like you before.” “You understand me so much better than anyone else.” “It’s fate that we met.” “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.” “Am I your only friend? You’re my only friend.” “We don’t need anyone else.” “You’re so kind, creative, smart, beautiful, and perfect.” “We’ll be together forever.” ((You're perfect for me I can't ever see yyyyou and IIIIII arguing (meaning, unlike the ex yadder-bitch-moan-spit). And lots more if you want to google it up.)) 2. The devaluation stage Once a narcissist has hooked their victim, ((AND you've been holding back due to understandable reservations and misgivings, haven't you - so you're NOT fully hooked yet, are you...not for jumping without a parachute, you're not.)) they start showing their true self ((including true beliefs)). This is where the insults and put downs ((and very covert AND pasive-aggressive whoopsie-daisies, I didn't mean thats, I'm still learnings)) start slipping into what they say. Things they once seemed to love about their partner are suddenly criticised ((you're not there yet - he's scared of you (and your intelligence and assertiveness), you see, and doing the highly hidden, cowardly, throwing missiles from behind his alleged ignorance/ineptitude sandbags)) , and everything they say is part of their scheme to shatter their partner’s confidence. ((OR BELIEFS AND ORGANISED 'ENEMY' GROUPS/social groupings....organised infiltration; this COULD explain his non-19-yr old bloke-sounding text verbiage. Or does he text like he speaks when together?)) But all the nastiness is intertwined with some affection, because the narcissist knows they have to keep up the illusion that the relationship is worth saving. ((OR he might have various possible agendas that all centre around 'getting a taxi outta there' and does love you but, it's showing, how he's having to meanwhile keep BOTH sides sweet? I mean - they could see his texts but they wouldn't see his rushing round to yours straight after, to ENSURE a repair, necessarily, would they?)) By pretending they can still be loving, the narcissist makes their victim believe the insults are their own fault. During this phrase narcissists may utter some of these things ((again, you haven't arrived here yet, thanks to your own subtle set of brakes and gear lever)): “You’re crazy.” ((/paranoid)) “You’re too sensitive.” “No wonder nobody else likes you.” “My friends hate you, but I always defend you and have your back.” ((Google Narc Triangulation or Sociopathic Smear Campaign)) “You’re so insecure.” “What’s wrong with you?” “Aren’t I more important to you than your friends?” “Your tears won’t work on me. Why are you crying?” “You’re being so manipulative.” (Had all of those. Here were my bat-it-back-nip-it quickfire answers, in same order as above: I wasn't before I got with you, isn't THAT interesting... SO WHAT IF I WAS? LUCKY YOU! So then - adjust how you handle me, like all adults have to do per individual, or cede defeat, you and yer Size 9s, and sod-off, surely! They liked me just fine before YOU turned up, pal. I'll have to think about that, won't I... Good! Because if those people you call friends - or people! - RATED me - I'd be in BIIIIG trouble (as in, need a psychiatrist). Never before YOU. Do you always have that effect, then? And - yes - thanks for the reminder! - how COME we're 5 years in but I feel I have as little safety and security - compared to you - lucky you! - as if we'd been merely dating for 6 months? No. And neither am I, yours. Same as an apple can't be more important than a banana or vice-versa. A person needs BOTH. Plus my having outside friendships can only benefit ours. So stop relying on me and go make some, finally, jeez! .........Uuuurgh - WHAT?....WWWWHHHHAT-AH?.... Did you actually just SAY THAT?! My tears aren't FOR your benefit, Forrest - and, same reason I have to pee, duuh!? If me just being me, to you, is me being manipulative, then - YES, I AM AND I CAN HAPPILY LIVE WITH THAT, THANKS - next question? Or maybe, *you're* just too easily influenced, where others aren't? - and/or - Because it's that time of year when I spring-clean my eyeballs, of course. (But those aren't to be tried if you don't have self-defense skills, WHICH, I thoroughly, urgingly recommend these days!) They will also probably start explaining away their behaviour if they are ever challenged on it, saying things like: “I’m like this because my parents were so mean to me.” (yup) “My ex cheated on me.” “Love is just hard, we have to work on it.” (BINGO!) “Everyone abandons me, so you have to help me.” “I’m acting this way because I’m scared to lose you.” “I don’t do it on purpose, I have a problem.” “Don’t you remember how good things were at the start?” “You need to stop being so selfish / careless / busy with other people.” “You can’t blame me, you know I have a problem.” They’ll also try and devalue everything their victim loves, like their interest and hobbies ((AND BELIEF SYSTEMS/PRIVATE CRUSADES)) — even their family. They’ll insult everything they can, such as: “I don’t like your friends, they’re not good enough for you.” “You like that? It’s terrible.” “I can’t believe you enjoy doing this.” “Your family doesn’t like me. You probably shouldn’t see them as much.” “If you leave and see your friends I’ll be angry.” It will only get worse The only way to escape a narcissist’s insults and threats is to get away from them, and run fast and far, said Neo. They constantly keep their victims in a constant state of stress, ((even beside themselves in distress...distraught!)) and they know exactly where to dig the knife in deeper. ((and kick you when you're down, or because you're trying to (cough!) climb back up again)) "So you are just kept on your toes, and bending further backwards like a dancing monkey," Neo said. "And nothing will ever change — things will just get worse." _____________________________ BUT - if they NEED you in long-term practicable ways - they can go for decades just on-off spooking, destablizing, toying, punishing you, etc. etc., until it hits Critical...your line in the sand...too much 'petty' (- not when you have to live with it!) evidence ("Narc Covert - Death by a thousand papercuts") and you end up with zero va-va-voom (which doesn't make for succeeding when being part of a GenZ movement, does it). And again, your refusal to 'let go' all the way is what's KEEPING him in cowardly prod-poke (under-excuses) mode. So you're just stuck in Devalue, maybe. Repeat - maybe. My mind is still open despite suspicious of him, despite I feel I smell a Devlue bud trying to sprout. It IS very early, through. Bit like trying to take a Pregnancy Test before enough of the preggers hormone has become detectable, meaning, you might have to keep doing them in the following days/weeks. But you can pre-buy the kits and have them ready, and this will make you feel a lot safer and more prepared.

Oops - forgot the obligatory link! https://www.perpetuaneo.com/narcissist-phrases-patterns/

I understand your concerns, but I think you're making too much of this. I honestly believe it was an honest mistake and that he's sorry and regrets using such language. You should try to get to the bottom of what would make him use such language. Is it something personal against that particular race, has he experienced racism himself, is he extremely opinionated of others? Asking questions and trying to feel him out for what his true motivation was for using that language is key an will help you to understand what you need to do next. Don't write him off or give up on him yet, you may be throwing away someone really special because you're offended by an honest mistake. I don't think any racism should be tolerated, however, a lot of people do see the cultural differences in one another, and form unhealthy opinions of other races due to bad experiences, unfair treatment, and favortism. His actions doesn't say anything about the person you are, but who he is, and learning why he may feel a certain way will give you a better understanding of whether or not he is indeed racist. Once you discover that he is or isn't then make a decision based on that answer alone. If he's not a racist, forgive him and move on, but if he is, then do what you have to. But stop taking it out on yourself.