Relationship, menthal health and grieving
M&MS - Oct 2 2024 at 19:37
I am in a "secret" relationship with a guy, is not official but at the same time it is, as we do not date any other people. I feel like i am having a double life and it is giving me anxiety, subcounciously i feel i am pushing away friends so they do not find out about it. This guy is very sweet and understanding with me, i feel loved and secure, we get along well and have chemistry in bed, but all of this is inside 4 walls. We do not share friends or social interets, I feel i found in him my safe place. More context: I am studiyng abroad, i left my home country only 3-4 months my father passed away, and him was the first and only person that supported me, i actually told him a couple of times that i didnt want a relationship during my studies, but my fathers passing really broke me. Now i am pushing away a really good friend and nice guy i before saw potential on. I feel i dont have much friends and i dont think is my parter faults but mine, tho i feel the only solution is to be alone. How can i do something like that if he hasnt done anything wrong? Being abroad also doesnt help much.
Duplicate message to:
"BrokenAries"
"abercedar"
"m&ms"
"Jetae"
"Wealllmakemistakes"
Hi and welcome!
Respondents are thin on the ground at the mo. Unless you're happy to wait another day or so for myself or another regular to respond (we're all p/t voluntary), could you please follow traditional forum poster-visitor protocol and, unless you're really not up to it, have a stab at each other's threads first? That would be much appreciated - thank-you. :)
Bumping you up for a bit later today (unless someone else beats me to it)!
As I've just said to another OP - I apologise for the huge delay, and will dive straight in:
"I am in a "secret" relationship with a guy,"
"Why, secret?
" is not official but at the same time it is, as we do not date any other people."
Who feels it's not official?
I'd say if you're Exclusive - which is what you're saying - then it's Official. So why secret?
"I feel like i am having a double life and it is giving me anxiety,"
You mean, you're having to Compartmentalise whereas you want the normal relationship perk of it infusing and enhancing the rest of your life and how you feel about it and your place in it - yes?
Already, (not reading ahead), I'm suspecting it's HIS idea. If it were yours, you'd be okay or happy with it.
" subcounciously i feel i am pushing away friends so they do not find out about it."
OH, GOOD GOD - NO, DON'T DO THAT - EVER!
"This guy is very sweet and understanding with me,"
CLEARLY NOT - not in this fundamental rights way.
"i feel loved and secure, we get along well and have chemistry in bed, but all of this is inside 4 walls. We do not share friends or social interets,"
Sounds familiar.
"I feel i found in him my safe place."
Huh? What - your port-in-a-storm or, respite?
...except for feeling insulted, right?
So, then, it's CONVENIENT and contains therapeutic elements, but it's not good for your sense of healthy pride - correct? Because it won't stop bothering you and making you feel as if - at least in his eyes - you're Less Than.
"More context: I am studiyng abroad, i left my home country only 3-4 months my father passed away,"
AH.
Sorry, what? Left 3-4 months ago or left 3-4 months after your father passed away?
"and him was the first and only person that supported me,"
AH.
Yes - VERY apt to make you premature and intensely bond to them!....which isn't a problem if it does likewise - BUT MORE SO - to them as - by neurotypical psychological law - it's supposed to(!) (what's wrong with him, then, eh?)
"i actually told him a couple of times that i didnt want a relationship during my studies, but my fathers passing really broke me."
YUP. So you 'gave in'.
For how long did he manage to refuse to take No for an answer? (Even me putting it like that has got you thinking, I'll bet.)
"Now i am pushing away a really good friend and nice guy i before saw potential on."
Useable potential or, you're realising, forever locked-in potential? There's the diff that makes ALL the diff (and is already making a diff but not in a good way when it comes to, effect on YOU...I can HEAR you being dripped-on/eroded as we speak!).
"I feel i dont have much friends"
Welcome to the club (it's a symptom) and take a seat! :)
"and i dont think is my parter faults but mine,"
Mmmmmmm......(tooth-suck)...not SURE about that, ACTUALLY...? Nice try, though. ;)
"tho i feel the only solution is to be alone. How can i do something like that if he hasnt done anything wrong?"
Well, easily. But that's the issue here. The issue is, it shouldn't pose this much of a dread-able but it is. Not least because he's still meeting needs (seemingly, albeit is Simultaneously Taking Away With The Other Hand - RED-FLAG, RED-FLAG, RED-FLAG.
"Being abroad also doesnt help much."
Yuss. Because it puts you into a Needful place and situations. SNAP (4 years since emigrating)!
Thoughts? (Hope you're still there, ach, sorry again.)
PS:
I suspect, YOU are Exclusive, but that he is not. And that will make it ALL make sense.
Discuss....
And, if I'm right: Tho-weeee to have to be the bearer of bad news but- it's a Classic Old Chestnut, I'm afraid (reminding me of which: PS how old are you?). However, it doesn't need to be the end of the world. Lemons make fantastic Lemonade, after all. (And I know because I tried making it with Daffodils and it didn't work. Granted, I was only 4 years old, but, still...)