My partner's bodycount disgusts me

(Keep in mind there's a human behind this post. I will ignore trolls anyways : I'm saying this to remind people that there's no "vilain" to search for. The title may seem "harsh" but that's just the reality of things, it doesn't change how nice and empathetic I can be. Thanks.) I hate this situation. There's many things in my life that make it extremely difficult, it's just torture. But I'm not diving into all of that, since it's too much and it's not the goal. It's just to preface this. So, I have a boyfriend. It's extremely rare that I actually like someone, even just as a friend. I thought it was somewhat the same thing for him, since he also shares that "not many people understand me" due to being gifted. I thought that maybe, I could be lucky enough to find someone who has the same vision of sex/relationships, but it seems just impossible. At the start of our relationship, the subject of past relationships came up. But hearing he slept with 3 girls, and especially in what kind of context, disgusted me. At the time, I slept with one person. I regretted this act deeply, and to this day it haunts me. I thought that sex disgusted me, and this relationship leaned into something more platonic, although I accepted to do what the other person wanted me to do, because I loved them (which is why I hate thinking about this). This started out as "best friends". Now, as for my current boyfriend, things are quite different. Idk where to start. So for now, I'll just go back on track (see title). - He says he tried to find out what love really was, but he did the same mistakes with three different girls, and didn't seemed to really believe in love either, ironically. He said to me that I was "the last one" and that he'd stop searching after that. - He engaged in sexual behavior with people online (not counted in relationships since it was online sexworkers / random girls) without being in a relationship with them. - He also did that with two of the girls irl. One just used him, and didn't wish for a serious thing while he did. As for the other, it did end up in a "long term" relationship. (I honestly could've been more forgiving if it was only online things when he was a teen, but that's not the case .) - He talked to a girl about hooking up, because I wasn't available online just before the start of our relationship (we first talked through online chat and stuff, and he told me later that he was already interested, when reflecting back on this exchange). He says he "knew that would lead to nothing and he would've ghosted her anyways" but I still think it's super weird to try to "get over someone" because they can't answer you one week due to personal reasons (I was in vacation with my family). I'm still very upset about this. - He talks shit about one of his exes. Well, he still recognize some of her "objective qualities", but at the same time, I don't understand how he could hate, or be disgusted by someone that much and not leave them. He says that, at one point, he didn't even wanted to think about having kids with her (it's something he really wants). Why staying then ? (I never got the answer. He told me she used to gaslight him a lot, she used to be tiring... Then how would you stay with someone like that, especially still engaging with them in a friendly or romantic way ? How can you have the will, when you're lucky to be autonomous, to have money and everything to leave ? I tried comparing that to my own situation with my ex, but things are still different in too many ways. I still do feel empathy regarding this, but only for specific things.) - He slept with one of his exes because he "wanted to see what that could lead to" / "because it was summer" or something related to being in vacation (I just can't explain this better in English, but apparently for people it's "being in a mood" or something ?) That's another thing I have a huge problem with. I think I already said that, but I hate the idea that my partner thinks and acts that way. I hate that they don't ask to be in a relationship before having sex, that they do it "on the spot" or something... That's a clear no for me. I'm going to stop this list here, as it's already long. So, there's two obvious problems for me here : - I read some advice, and thought I was "abnormal" for thinking like this. Which resulted in me sleeping with him. This has created huge conflicts of "I love this person" "I'm disgusted by this specific thing about them, this is a deal breaker". I feel like I've done the same mistake again. This is just making me lose hope. I hate these situations where I convince myself that "things can work out even if it's not exactly how I envisioned it" but each time, it turns out I was right. He also wanted to meet me irl way earlier that what I planned / asked for. I just feel horrible. I guess having no social life since I was a child doesn't help, idk wtf I'm supposed to do. I have too much things going on in my life, and I don't think I can actually leave him without literally dying. Either because my current psychological state will worsen, or because of my other life handicaps (that prevent me from being autonomous). I feel like I'm in a nightmare, even if it eventually turns into a "dream", it would still be uncomfortable, creepy... I just want out, in the end. I literally have no solution. I did this mistake of giving myself to two people, and it's already haunting me. I don't really think I'll ever be able to "get past it" like people say. I'm not like that. Some people can't get past getting robbed, some people can't get past being insulted even if it's "just for funsies" "not that serious", and I guess I can't get past all of this. At least, I can't change what I find disgusting, and my goal isn't to completely destroy myself while trying to do so. So I guess I'm stuck. I don't see anything that wouldn't result in me dying, long term, and at this point it's just "sad". I don't know what to do regarding this. This person is literally the last reason I have to live, but this doesn't remove the feeling of disgust. This isn't an ego problem either, I'd even say I may be "too confident" sometimes, I guess. I don't think that the people he used to be with are "good or superior", rather the opposite, from what I gathered. I saw some articles stating that this is "just insecurity / jealousy" but I strongly disagree, I even think that can be harmful advice for some people. So, yeah. I already feel like this isn't going to be well received because people keep saying "you shouldn't care about sex". They're not willing to take into account different ways of perceiving the world. I'm desperate for a solution that doesn't involve being a totally different person with a different brain. Or maybe there's no solution at all. I mean, the past won't magically change overnight, and I started to realize more and more why I was so uncomfortable with all of this. I guess things are just doomed.

If a guy doesn't share your values & standards then why bother with him? On the other hand, what's happened before a couple get together stays there in the past & it's nobody's business who did what with who. Yeah sure there's some people out there who just use lust instead of love & it's mind boggling just how many reasons people will use to explain their actions away however repugnant they may seem to others. They will never, if ever, get to the stage where they begin to comprehend & understand what it's like to actually respect & love someone for who they are & not what they are. So if you're not feeling the respect coming from your partner & & he doesn't know your love language etc & there's no happiness in your relationship, then yeah it's probably doomed but that doesn't mean that you will be. Your partner is who he is & it's up to you if you need to share your life with him, warts & all but you don't mention if you're actually in love with him in your post. Whatever happens, you need to understand that the past isn't for living in, it's for learning from & moving on with life a little bit more wiser.

LifeSucks (at the mo.), Not reading ahead, bar your second para (while rising above the first, the attempt to dictate the free-of-charge favour), but I see the Always Correct "Manalone" has done a nutshell-ing so, I'll go more into dissecting the details. Three times isn't a lot (unless he's only 15?), but I get it's more about his underlying attitude so... off we go... "- He says he tried to find out what love really was, but he did the same mistakes with three different girls," All mouth and no trousers, all hot air (AND in a Word Salad style, I note!). Actions Speak Louder and his wholly contradict: Either (a) he has serious Learning Difficulties (in which case he shouldn't be in any up-close, intimtate relationship) or (b) he's lying/reversing the truth and roles (in which case - ditto... ...So - Lose/Lose already.) 'Once Upon A Time'...............I asked my live-in Nex (when the final truth jigsaw piece had finally, inadvertently, dropped, years too late for my benefit by then, out of his mouth) - 'If making yourself financially and lifestyle-dependent on not just one, but TWO past, main partners, by having respectively moved to their country then region, and, more to the point, moved-IN with them, rather than having sensibly rented/bought somewhere new and mutually neutral, worked out so badly for YOU, whereby you describe yourself as the entrapped and abused victim, then - How come you did it again, not just a second time but now, with me, a THIRD? (He Word Salad raged and flounced/went AWOL for days (bliss), rather than answer the question, the question that HE had from then-on made Out-Of-Bounds (wanna bet?....Bugs Bunny sez: Nyyyyeeeah, hee don'tch know mee choo wew, do he!)...The shutting-down-communications itself an action that spoke volumes. Avoiding and refusing to discuss the topic/issue is the point, not the flouncing bit (that's just style...Covert...they just snootily go, 'I refuse to discuss it any further', when they haven't discussed it at all). After all, the healthy/innocent WANT their 'day in court'! To prove themselves Innocent (duuh?). Otherwise, the gross injustice would injure them!) The answer was obvious, wasn't it. Because he got so much out of it each time, that it was worth his while to try it again or at least to remain convinced that if only he tried harder THIS time, he would hit the jackpot ("Awwwww..."). Because he was NOT the poor, cheated, abused, put-upon Lambie.Pie. Do not make me laugh. He was the wolf in sheep's clothing, at that point, doing the usual Playing Dumb, Playing Innocent and/or Stealing The Victim Cloak. ("Love-Bombing* and Impressions Management") (*or - Covert - Like-Dripping). Or would this guy 'of yours' have you believe that having been burned the first time, (allegedly) from having unwittingly leant his elbow on the kitchen Hob ring, not realising it was switched fully On - this strangely did NOT deter him from repeating it by deliberately choosing to do so TWOOOO (at least) more times, without even slightly altering his approach and behaviour as well as check the ring was Off? Mm-hmm? (Player/NPD Abuser TICK!) "and didn't seemed to really believe in love either, ironically." Probably not after him, no. He's subtle - relies on your mind to finish his sentances or extrapolate to the logical conclusion/outcome. But it's still there. "He said to me that I was "the last one" and that he'd stop searching after that." His last chance, eh? Old Chestnut, highly manipulative Emotional Bribery AND Blackmail Alert! - TICK! This is a well-known Priming aka Sliming move. Now YOU have to bust a gut never to (allegedly) disappoint & disillusion him like his previous three whom allegedly took him nowhere! You have to prove you're not capable of being *remotely* like she and she and she were, by doing the exact OPPOSITE. *Believing* in Love, *Teaching* him how to love....including loving him unconditionally and forgiving each and every time (to come) because he's just a poor wickle amatcheeeur, aww...romantically inept... And then, once you're USED to reaching that incredible Bar height, that's when he'll drip-drip down his own tools. So now YOU'RE the only one, furiously rowing your little relationship rowboat (and not realising for ages and ages). Whereupon it goes nowhere but round and round in circles. He likes it dizzy (for various reasons). It's you that gets detrimented. And then the already nigh-on impossible bar goes UP. And KEEPS going up. (Google: "Narc Boyfriend - Bottomless Pit".) You spend your entire life, trying to gain back his Lordship's approval by pleasing him. You, meanwhile, are starved. So panicked/intent/busy are you, trying to get the once Nice Guy (pff) back, that you even forget to feed yourself. Where abusive Narcs are concerned - there absolutely IS a baddie. It's very Black & White. Because THEY and the positions/situations they coerce you into are very Black & White (sometimes Life or Death), giving YOU as little response/reaction/reflex choice as they themselves have in terms of what the illness will let them deal out. Google something like, Narcissistic Boyfriend - Playbook.....or, Splitting....or, Jekyll & Hyde....or, polar thinking...or, why do all Narcs behave the same? "- He engaged in sexual behavior with people online (not counted in relationships since it was online sexworkers / random girls) without being in a relationship with them." They do count as relationships. Just fleeting ones. Known as, one-night-stands (or using prostitutes). So how many does that now make it? "- He also did that with two of the girls irl. One just used him, and didn't wish for a serious thing while he did." ..., said Pinochio. "As for the other, it did end up in a "long term" relationship." And how did that go up in flames, according to him? "(I honestly could've been more forgiving if it was only online things when he was a teen, but that's not the case .)" So how old was he and how old now? (Google - Malignant Narc - Promiscuous....or, Omnisexual) "- He talked to a girl about hooking up, because I wasn't available online just before the start of our relationship" I BEG YOUR PARDON? 'Because'???? I BEG YOUR PARDON? What - any warm body will do? Oh, for goodness' sake - CASE SOLVED AND CLOSED - this guy is a nasty, coercing, controlling, emotionally abusive, SOMATIC, idiot. ********************************************************************************************************************************* Now is just for mere confirmation and validation for you... The fact he TOLD you when he too easily could have kept it to himself, again shows he's a Punisher (Dominator Alert! - TICK!) In fact, it's a TASTER of a future DEAL-BREAKER (he'll cheat you to make you back down and turn subserviant). Why didn't this work to put you off? Or is it, as we speak, i.e. you're only just getting your head around it all, plus all the other things that don't gel or add-up, now that you have new data just in? It's to make you too scared to ever again be unavailable again - perfectly reasonable or not - when His Lordship clicks his fingers or fancies more sex. Let me translate the rest for you... " (we first talked through online chat and stuff, and he told me later that he was already interested, when reflecting back on this exchange)." Yeah, they always tell you "too later". "He says he "knew that would lead to nothing and he would've ghosted her anyways" What a LOVELY character. Not. "but I still think it's super weird to try to "get over someone" because they can't answer you one week due to personal reasons (I was in vacation with my family). I'm still very upset about this." Oh - wait - that's better! YES - super weird. That's one way of putting it. (Over-narcissistic or Narcissistic Personality Disordered is the other, for it's UNIQUELY CHARACTERISTIC 'weirdness'.) Good...you were starting to relax into typing this by then. (Blowing The Whistle is very therapeutically cathartic, isn't it.) "- He talks shit about one of his exes." Swat Narx Do - in yours' case, to set the bar so high for you. (By the sounds of it, this one wants an actual Geisha. How do you look in a Kimono and do you mind washing stinky feet?) "Well, he still recognize some of her "objective qualities"," Yes, the ones that help set that bar. " but at the same time, I don't understand how he could hate, or be disgusted by someone that much and not leave them." THERE YA GO!!! I could kiss you. I won't and can't, but I would. YOU'RE AWAKE! :)))))) (PS: that tone you hear when he talks about his exes is also Contempt. And it's because they foiled him, spat him out, whatever.....Rrrrejected/Abandoned him. Google "NPD - Fear Of Abandonment". (PS - "it's Fear, Jim, but not how WE know it". Their hearts don't break. Just their egos and "(Narcissist - ) House of Cards".) "He says that, at one point, he didn't even wanted to think about having kids with her (it's something he really wants). Why staying then ?" AGAIN - YES - EXACTLY - WELL DONE! "(I never got the answer" As above - no, you never do. Think Cold War Spy. He ain't gonna talk or give away any intel that could blow what mere is his "I'm boyfriend material and I'm your boyfriend" cover, is he. "He told me she used to gaslight him a lot," Google "Narcissist - Projection" and "- Blameshifting". " she used to be tiring..." Yes. Because she fought back and asked questions. It's how it goes. But they never finish it properly. They leave exes warm-and-waiting on the side or furious-and-waiting. (Google "Sociopath Harem" (spare lovers wrapped in Clingfilm or constantly flattering and validating (ignorant) fans aka "Flying Monkeys" (some of whom are ignorant, some complicit).) "Then how would you stay with someone like that," EX...........ACTLY! " especially still engaging with them in a friendly or romantic way ?" EXACTLY FACTLY!!! "How can you have the will, when you're lucky to be autonomous, to have money and everything to leave ?" He was not trapped. So he lived with this one you're talking anout right now, then? Then the reason he didn't leave was because he hadn't finished growing rich at her expense yet, including extorting, syphoning, saving himself XXX. Or outright embezzling off her?? "I tried comparing that to my own situation with my ex, but things are still different in too many ways." Yes, because your case, your reasons were true, his are not. Narcs' victims are Empaths...sometimes taking it too far. But, once you educate yourself, you soon learn not to still love and empathise with heartless users. But, being Normal-Healthy, WE HEAL, whereupon we don't NEED to go into all of that any more. And certainly not to people we're merely DATING. Wolf in sheep's clothing again. Spinning the story to convince his victim he's JUST LIKE HER, BEEN THROUGH EXACTLY THE SAME, or, IS BENIGN AND NORMAL ("Grandma, why the big ears?" / "All the better to HEAR you with, my dear".) "I still do feel empathy regarding this, but only for specific things.)" Yeah, that probably won't last much longer, either. "- He slept with one of his exes because" OH, FOR GOODNESS' SAKE! Ugh. "Because" he'd left her warm-and/or-furious-on-the-side (both, usually!). Normal-Healthies know that, unless you have kids together, Ex means In The Past....Gone....Never to be seen again. "he "wanted to see what that could lead to" / "because it was summer" or something related to being in vacation (I just can't explain this better in English, but apparently for people it's "being in a mood" or something ?) Because he was in the mood is what you're trying to say. "That's another thing I have a huge problem with." How could you not? And you're expected to trust this guy? Hah! I don't think so. "I think I already said that, but I hate the idea that my partner thinks and acts that way." Of course. "I hate that they don't ask to be in a relationship before having sex, that they do it "on the spot" or something... That's a clear no for me." For most healthy-normals, actually. Especially the particularly high-moralled. (Gold Star!) "I'm going to stop this list here, as it's already long." I disagree. But apologising for yourself in absentia of any criticism, is noted, in terms of where, including symptomatically, you're psycho-emotionally at. You're Normal, and in the process of opening your eyes to him, yet still a BIT wary of the truth unless you can control its flow...which is fine). :) "So, there's two obvious problems for me here :" Okie-dokey? "- I read some advice, and thought I was "abnormal" for thinking like this" Swat Victims Do. "Which resulted in me sleeping with him." Ah. Oh. I seeeee... "This has created huge conflicts of "I love this person" "I'm disgusted by this specific thing about them, this is a deal breaker"." You slept with a creepy, greasy sl*t, in other words. 'Eeek, unclean'. And, 'What does that make me?' "I feel like I've done the same mistake again." No you haven't. This is the Victim script. They come in Threes. Your first and/or second had a different vibe and style from this one. This one's Covert. Deeply. Yet also Overt (where serves him to warn you into giving him his spoiled baby way, like, clicking his fingers and you suddenly appearing, replete with cartoon screeching of tyres with smoke and skid-marks. 'When Bagpuss wants sex - all his FRIENDS must want sex, too' (you probably won't get that reference but never mind...suffice to say, His Lordship wants it now-now-now wiv bunny wabbits on his spoiled wickle bib - because, OOOH, THE POWER (ridiculous)) (...unless he's using you to save/make even more money or steal your friends, ruin your job, whatever?...anything concrete yet?). "This is just making me lose hope." Nah. You can stop that, it's not you, any more than it is any other 'serial' victim. "I hate these situations where I convince myself that "things can work out even if it's not exactly how I envisioned it" but each time, it turns out I was right." Well - GOOD, then! "He also wanted to meet me irl way earlier that what I planned / asked for." Swat Narx Do. "I just feel horrible." All targets/victims into survivors do. "I guess having no social life since I was a child doesn't help, idk wtf I'm supposed to do." Learn to lay a strong foundation before building the actual floors. A weak foundation - a pretend foundation - and the whole thing too-soon crumbles. But his type aren't interested in Love. They just convince you they are because, normal-healthy people, ESPECIALLY empaths, tend to be willing to do (and forgive) 'ANYTHING' for Love. "I have too much things going on in my life, and I don't think I can actually leave him without literally dying." This sensation is an illusion in terms of cause. Google "Narcissist - Trauma Bonding" and "- convincing you you'll die without them". He's addicted you to him. That's it. So you just go Cold Turkey....and after the tears, realise how much lighter and happier you are, how much easier your schedule is to handle, etc., etc., etc. Google "Narcissist - why you should go No Contact". "Either because my current psychological state will worsen," Not necessarily, but, granted, likely (without support I swiftly add). Yet only for a limited time. WHEREAS, as long as you continue contact with him, the longer and worse you start to be made to feel. "or because of my other life handicaps (that prevent me from being autonomous)." What are those? "I feel like I'm in a nightmare, even if it eventually turns into a "dream", it would still be uncomfortable, creepy... I just want out, in the end." Go to the doctor for a temporary 'step-stool' - an "anti-anxiety" prescription. It'll put you back on your feet and have you raring to enter into battle or just ending it. Here, since he thinks Ghosting's perfectly acceptable - do that! :) It's too soon to decide just yet, though. You're still groggy,... haven't even had your morning coffee yet. "I literally have no solution." I do. So do too many here. "I did this mistake of giving myself to two people, and it's already haunting me." You didn't give yourself. If you had, you'd still be WITH them. Get it? "I don't really think I'll ever be able to "get past it" like people say. I'm not like that." Well, unless you're a human anomaly or a visiting alien - yes, you will...can't not. Programming (that works) is programming. "Some people can't get past getting robbed, some people can't get past being insulted even if it's "just for funsies" "not that serious", and I guess I can't get past all of this." That's just how it feels at your position of the Recovery Path. If you study up online, or listen to me yaddering - you'll see. "At least, I can't change what I find disgusting, and my goal isn't to completely destroy myself while trying to do so. So I guess I'm stuck. I don't see anything that wouldn't result in me dying, long term, and at this point it's just "sad"." Don't worry - we're bilingual on here. We speak both English AND Narc-Victimese. We know what you mean. "I don't know what to do regarding this. This person is literally the last reason I have to live, but this doesn't remove the feeling of disgust." Good old Disgust! Give it a big pat on the back. "This isn't an ego problem either, I'd even say I may be "too confident" sometimes, I guess." Oh, yeah, the really Pathologically Bored and Envious (google) ones LOVE to take down an Arab Stallion! What a challenge...what a HUGE ego-boost for this secret opposite-sex-hater! "I don't think that the people he used to be with are "good or superior", rather the opposite, from what I gathered. I saw some articles stating that this is "just insecurity / jealousy" but I strongly disagree, I even think that can be harmful advice for some people." Since all you have is HIS word about what they were or were not like - I wouldn't bother conjecturing yet. Just focus on the fact your FWB/boyfriend/whatever (Status-label-less - TICK!) is showing unignorable signs that he is NOT the type you want to be caught in a relationship with, and accordingly is (along with the whole situation) making you feel REALLY BAD and questioning your own character and reality - mixed WITH still somewhat defending him as a habit. "So, yeah. I already feel like this isn't going to be well received because people keep saying "you shouldn't care about sex"." Which people? "They're not willing to take into account different ways of perceiving the world." Well, YOU were wrong, then, weren't you. "I'm desperate for a solution that doesn't involve being a totally different person with a different brain." Passive Escape it is! "Or maybe there's no solution at all." (Yawn....) "I mean, the past won't magically change overnight, and I started to realize more and more why I was so uncomfortable with all of this. I guess things are just doomed." (Whittle-whittle, worry-worry). (Yep. Normal victim of a Narc.) BETTER? Even a bit? Short version: I agree with Manalone and there's why. Roger? Over?

PS: "Little Red Riding Hood" is a prime example of Gaslighting using Word Salad (for the purposes of answer-avoidance). "Grandma, why are your ears so big?" / "All the better for HEARING you with, my dear". (Listen, Hairy-Chops Mc-Dribble-Face...She didn't ASK you what the benefits were to HAVING strangely big ears, she asked WHY your ears were strangely so big.) See it? Their TONE, etc. (google "Malignant Narcissist" (or "Sociopath/Psychopath") - Hypnotic Effect"), makes you FEEL as if you've had an answer to your question when in reality, you haven't.

PPS, nearly forgot: ""He also wanted to meet me irl way earlier that what I planned / asked for." "Swat Narx Do."" Google "Narcissistic Boyfriend - Love Bombing" or "- Rushing Intimacy" or "- Faking Intimacy".

In my opinion, you need to let this go. Why are you carrying all those heavy bricks? You need to sit them down or it's going to bring you down. Stuff like that is just too heavy to carry. All these things you're concerned with are things that have already happened and is totally beyond your control. And your emotions behind this isn't going to go away as long as you're still dealing with this person. You've been exposed to way too much and it's hurting you and could affect your self confidence and self esteem. Get out of this situation before it affects you in those ways if it already hasn't. What he has exposed to you is traumatizing and it will affect you long after the relationship is over. But the sooner you end it, the sooner you can heal and don't have to carry that baggage into your next relationship. And with the type of person that he seems like he is, you need to be running in the other direction anyway. He seems like he was toxic in his other relationships so the chances of him being toxic with you is extremely high. Run while you have the chance. Your gut is already giving you hints as to what you need to do, so do it, and do it while you still have your dignity.

"Your gut is already giving you hints as to what you need to do, so do it, and do it while you still have your dignity." Yyyyyyyyyup! AND enough mental energy. Sadly, Jateace, it looks as if the OP has long gone. On the other hand - happily, in future, anyone in the same/similar boat whom reads this will have that important second opinion so, feel free to continue continuing, you're doing good gal! :)