Barbra Streisand

I'm having relationship issues with my long term partner. I've realised after 30+ years just how immensely different we are. I very much admired many of his attributes. Such as his intelligence and excellent writing. I believed he admired my imagination and strong opinions. I have always been a bit of a muso and romance movie buff. I use to walk around the house singing even if it is mediocre. Babs has always been a favourite. Evergreen from 'A Star is Born' melts me into a puddle. It seems all aspects of my personality now irritate him. Just like the character of Katie I realise he is not the man I once idealized. My Hubbell is now seeming to me more Rubble. I truly miss 'The Way We Were'.

I understand that you don't feel valued anymore. And that can hurt. You have all these beautiful things about you and you just want him to love and appreciate who you are the way that he once did. However unfortunately, this happens in many marriages. Sometimes, both parties can feel this way towards one another but when it's only one, it leaves the other feeling unloved and no longer validated. I'm sure he loves you still, but depending on how long you've been together, sometimes certain emotions fade over time. Or we just have gotten use to having that person around so much that we don't often realize that we take for granted what their presence and personality brings into our lives. I'm a strong believer in communication. This is the most effective thing that you can do concerning this situation. If he doesn't know how you feel, how can he change it? You have to let him know that this is how you feel. And I'm sure that he doesn't realize that you feel this way. So you have to talk to him. Tell him what you need. Ask questions so you can gain clarity about how he feels and why things have changed. I'm sure he wouldn't want you to continue feeling this way so you can't go wrong with open and honest communication. The issue is you feel unappreciated and somewhat taken for granted. And no man who loves their wife will continue to let her go on feeling this way without doing something about it.

Well Hello Dolly, This is me Dolly, It's so nice to be back where I belong. I'm still glowing, I'm still crowing I'm still going strong One of our old favourite songs from way back when Have a little faith in me, fellas Dolly'll never go away Promise I'll never go away Dolly'll never go away again

Please, I'd like to chat to the Moderator Soulmate when she is well and feels up to it.

Hi Soulmate, Hoping you're ok? Don't wish to burden you if you're not up to this. Had a meltdown of epic proportion. Having heart pains as a result. This past week has been a bit much. My Partner (you know the one) made the past week unbearable. Git dolloped on his own special brand of bastardom. Mum had her birthday and it was really special when I was alone with her but then Bro wiped out my efforts with his families big show. Displayed on FB for all to see. His first visit in a year. Receiving accolades from all. I can't compete. My cake, candle, paper plates, napkins, flowers, jam drops and wrapped dress were stolen from her room after I left. I've been told that Bro & his beautiful wife/perfect Mother (yes in those exact words) will be made Enduring P of A at Gits request. Now I'll never receive a penny ever of what was once promised me. I see no hope for the future. No change possible ever. No new beginning on any horizon. Yep...no point in saying anything more really. Just letting you know this desperate, needy, pathetic pest is still hanging around. Take care of you. DD

Eyup, DD, I'm here (and well done!), Yeah, I'm not feeling too clever, it's definitely Omicrom again. The flu part is manageable yet constantly niggly, but the 'sleeping sickness' part is not, and is the most characteristic sign. Be careful yourself, given it's doing the Winter rounds, internationally, again. Anyhoo... Another thing in common. Plus Evergreen's my fave track of hers too. I thought the film 'A Star Is Born' was shite, however. But that was down to Chris Christopheropherson (as I call him)...crap actor, wrong looks type for her. (Is he still alive, btw?) Oh, and 'Papa Can You Hear Me' or whatever it's called...that was from Yentyl, wasn't it? So here's where we got to: "It seems all aspects of my personality now irritate him. Just like the character of Katie I realise he is not the man I once idealized" And me reminding you that the toddler pretty soon mounts a massive rebellion against your attempts to instill the new familial/household regime. And here's your latest (carrying on from where you left off via this link: https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13782/notfeelingthelove (Like the new alias btw!) "My Partner (you know the one)" (Hahahaha! - you make it sound like you have 10! :D) (Christ - imagine...) "made the past week unbearable." The reality is: when didn't she. But you're more acutely aware of it now, are accepting the reality of Her Today (never mind the past before somehow having got acutely but deeply corrupted by those narc businesspeople whom stupidly believe superficial and temporary status and money are the route to happiness (fools)). 'False Gold/Gods', innit. "Git dolloped on his own special brand of bastardom." Haha! I'm noticing and liking how you're waxing lyrical with your account and admonishments! That's a really good and noteworthy sign of psychological progress! (PS: (voiceover man voice) 'Newwww "Basstud Sauce"!... like Daddy's Sauce, only farrrr more powerful, wayyy more basstudom!......For those that like to think they're REAL men - try our REAL sauce TODAY!....orrrrrr whenever you like cos - You're The Man!'...'Freebibwitheverypurchase'.) "Mum had her birthday and it was really special when I was alone with her but then Bro wiped out my efforts with his families big show." What do you mean, wiped them out? "Displayed on FB for all to see. His first visit in a year. Receiving accolades from all. I can't compete." Compete in front of WHAT AUDIENCE? His type? Fakebookers? Why would you want to? Get off FB, is my advice. At least for a while to see the difference. It's nowadays more toxic than not, like a bloody floating lunatic asylum. (Ooh- reminds me of fantastic 'factional' book called 'The Floating Brothel'. You'd enjoy that. Probably peanuts 2nd-hand on Amz etc.) "My cake, candle, paper plates, napkins, flowers, jam drops and wrapped dress were stolen from her room after I left." What?! "I've been told that Bro & his beautiful wife/perfect Mother (yes in those exact words) will be made Enduring P of A at Gits request." Oh, great. Another monster getting fed. "Now I'll never receive a penny ever of what was once promised me." That's not how it works, DD! They can't just break the law like that, especially not over something that serious! Question: do you have a Citizen's Advice Bureau equivalent in any of the towns near you? Or a phone number of one? "I see no hope for the future. No change possible ever. No new beginning on any horizon. Yep...no point in saying anything more really." Not at this precise point, no. Let's see what Fate's got in-store, then. For the time being? "Just letting you know this desperate, needy, pathetic pest is still hanging around." Self-insult not allowed. __________________ Right, keep keeping me posted. Meanwhile, fancy swapping some more funny memes? I really enjoy doing that. And I need cheering-up cos my throat's sore. Again. (Up, down, up, down, Jekyll, Hyde, Jekyll, Hyde...asleep for too long - repeat... This is why my friends and I say Covid is the viral/psychological equivalent of Narcs. CUZ ID IZ.) (PS to your partner: Fur Queue, Screechy McGrough.)

PS: I'm wondering what the heck's going on at ABCD's end. Ach...I hate to think. Don't spose you could have another try with him for me, could you, pretty-please with bells on? As soon as you're up to it, obvs. :)

Here you go - a complete guide: https://a.storyblok.com/f/119877/x/85457d772a/2711_compass_monthlytopics_powersofattorney_document_1.pdf Extract - page 62: "If you have nominated an attorney but have doubts later, you may be able to change the enduring power and choose another attorney, as long as you still have capacity. Once an enduring power of attorney takes effect (which may be immediately or because you have lost capacity), other people close to you may be able to apply to a tribunal to have your attorney’s actions investigated if there is doubt that they are acting in your best interests. See the articles about powers of attorney in your state or territory for more information on what can be done." (relevant links included)

As you'll see - there are heavy rules for being an attorney, and such a thing as 'transaction conflict', and having to submit yearly accounts. They can't just spend her money. Everything has to be justified as being in her and only her financial interests. No fur coat for the (hah!) perfect wife & mother nor holiday in Greece, therefore, OH NO. Read it- you'll see. After all: if it were a magic, Golden-egg-laying Goose - why on earth would Git have suddenly decided he wanted rid of that 'luxury'? THINK ABOUT IT. Nay worries, lass. Say it with me: Ah could'n' giv uh Four Ex, mite! Now cheer us both up with an Aussie joke if you please. I only know the one about Aussie man's version of foreplay ("Want the lights on or off, Shiela?"). Or sprinkle more fairy-dust over more OPs. Just - let's change your routine and see what new chains happen. :))) PS: Christmas is coming. And Narcs like to spoil all special occasions, Xmas being the 'best'. I'm gonna need a bigger 'butt' or an extra shipmate/mite.

...Yeah.... Stepdud didn't LIKE his new toy in the end because it didn't do everything it said it'd do on his childishly phantasmical tin. Won't be long until Bother & Strife get (pathologically and too rapidly) get bored with it as well. Then it'll be Blister. And then when they're all finally convinced of the reality that it was NOT a golden goose, just a boring CHORE, it'll be HANDED TO YOU (finally), Cinders. :D You watch.

...And then they'll ALL PEEL OFF from the Mum Scene until there's just you and Mum left, in-peace. And then, despite her dementia won't wear off, the F.O.G. portion of it will, which will make a huge positive difference in her lucidity. (That's enough from my crystal-ball tho - it uses up a heck of a lot of charge haha.)

(PS: Thanks anyway, Jateace - you weren't to know this was an ongoing one-on-one thang. :))

And now I'm going to move you down the board, out-of-sight (nyack-nyack) by doing a mass bump-up.... ('Furque, furque, furQUE', lol)

Firstly wanted to thank ASKJATEASE for responding to me. I do appreciate your time and effort. I'm just most comfortable with Soulmate as we are familiar with each other.

Secondly, Hi again Soulmate, Get that finger ready to push me right down the page! Perhaps you can delete this? Want to help out. Truly I do. Referring to ABCD. However, I've had a shocking week and are not in the frame of mind to gently converse with ABCD. Fearful my current annoyance would over flow and be totally inappropriate. Example below: (so you can see the scary frame of mind I'm currently exhibiting) Just had an image in my head (brace yourself for crazy) of the wedding cake topper. Saw her take you ABCD (the groom figurine) out & put her Mother in beside her. But doesn't this just say it all? You are removable. You are not of high value to her. You are the solid, resin, figurine to fit the 'normal' image/picture. She needs a 'groom' beside her to get the life she is after. But she 'wants' Mother there 'always' not necessarily 'you'. ABCD this isn't LOVE. This is 'acting out the scene of a romance and the inevitable going down the aisle'. You have a purpose (for now!). To complete the look (image) to all guests & make her (fiancée) feel to all like a 'success' in life. Your fiancee needs the groom figurine and you're the schmuck mate (sorry not sorry). You are the only pliable male she has found to fit the bill. Nice enough to manipulate into believing she is nice enough to marry. Please look in the mirror and practise these VOWS. Usual: For better or worse. ABCD: For worse Usual: For richer or for poorer ABCD: For poorer Usual: In sickness and in health ABCD: Through Mental sickness as well as physical sickness Usual: For as long as you both shall live ABCD: This will damage me for as long as I shall live As the wedding gets closer watch her get nicer towards you. She has to succeed. This schmuck must be waiting for me at the end of the aisle. Manipulation & Control. Solve it now. Once and for all! Tell her... “I'm not making suggestions nor getting involved in the wedding plans not because of work but because you and your mother are getting married and I'm just a guest. If I suggested anything would it really make a difference? Would you change things now to please me?” Then add a clincher 'and your choice of ________ (colours/flowers/whatever) really sucks. Talk about bad taste'. Sit back & watch your world burn!!! Your actual, genuine future begins from this moment! Does she stop dead in her tracks & think before she speaks and makes her next move? Is she taking time and being careful figuring out her words. Must keep up the façade. So close and yet so far. Can't lose the fish of the hook this far in. 'oh darling I didn't realise you felt that way' rub of arm and smile, head on side'. Mate your balls are on the chopping block. Look down and say good-bye to them. Or Sit back & watch. ANGER. Explosive. Different woman. Who the fuck is she? Yelling 'well you are ungrateful and mum says this about you...blah...blah...you're lucky to be getting me'. Either way BIG CONGRATS ABCD you've achieved 'Happily NEVER! After'. And you are about to choose to ruin potential innocent little souls lives with mommy dearest there. So from a victim of non stop EMOTIONAL & PHYSICAL ABUSE as a child and well into adulthood then I'll speak for them and say this to you their potential Daddy... 'Thank you Daddy for choosing a totally manipulative, mentally disturbed, bitch for my mummy and my matching Nanna. I'm damaged for life and have had more spankings than I could count. At school I watch other parents and wonder why I didn't deserve that kind of consideration, caring and genuine love. You exposed me to this forever. You had real doubts about both of them. However you went head long in ignoring good advice and that warning voice in your own head. You and you alone chose to permanently TAINT and negatively IMPACT my little life due to your indecision. If only you'd manned up & grown a set of balls then I'd have had a normal mummy, loving home and good life. You have failed at 'unconditional love'. You have achieved 'selfish love'. All I can reflect on is how you must have really wanted mummy to deliberately make me with her and place me permanently in this situation. Daddy you had doubts. Daddy I had no choice in this life you provided for me. I'm a victim of Nanna, Mummy & YOU!'. *SEE SOULMATE...can't talk to ABCD. Best avoided. NOW BEST TO DELETE.

Sorry Soulmate, That entry was a hearty helping of what my daughter yelled at me. Just 'tweaked' to suit saying it to a Male/Father. She followed it with 'I will NEVER forgive you. I hate you. I don't even like you'. Angry Bird. Don't blame her at all. She was right. I did go ahead and bring her into a Dysfunctional Family. It was egotistical of me to think I could protect her and be all she'd need. Clearly I failed. It doesn't sit comfortably with me. ABCD is making me feel rather cross. His procrastination is frustrating me. He's ignoring sincere, good advice. He thinks he is in love and yet admits to warning bells. OH! I know. I know. I should know better. We've all been guilty of it. New topic: YOU! I'm worried. I've been thinking about you on & off for days. Shocking illness. Do you have somebody there to help you out? Please tell me you aren't going it completely alone. You are a tower of strength BUT even you need to take better care of yourself. Rest up. Sleep more. Eat well. Ignore the demands of nutters like me for awhile. Give yourself time. You are always switched on! It is a lot to ask of yourself. Your mind, your body. It is taxing. Exhausting taking on all these people & their issues. I'll bet you'd say it is candy to you. What you love doing and you're fantastic at it! However, don't forget about YOU. Your body is making you slow down and catch up. Please take care! I'm not just being selfish (as in I need you in my life) but as a fellow human being who appreciates you and can see the value in you. You are your own kind of special brand. Rare, unique, special. STOP WEARING YOURSELF OUT! You deserve time for you. To relax. Chill. Lecture from Mum time. You go & go. It is ok not to answer everybody all the time. Kick your shoes off, lay back, close your eyes. Some times you need to slow down, recuperate! You'll fizzle out if you don't. As for jokes. I don't know many. Told you one previously about 'emotions'. Remember '_ucking dis custard'? I only know the inappropriate, dirty ones my husband use to tell. I don't retell very well. Did you hear the one about the guy jogging along the beach? He hears a female crying. He stops at the towel where she is. She has only a torso. Why are you crying? he asks 'I've never been hugged' she says through her tears. So he bends down and gives her a big hug. 'There you go now you've been hugged' he says. But she keeps right on crying. 'Why ae you still crying?' he says. She responds with 'because I've never been kissed'. So he bends down and kisses her smack on the lips. 'There you go now you've been kissed' he says. Yep. You guessed it. She keeps right on sobbing. 'Why are you still crying?' he says. Her response 'because I've never been f _ ucked'. He quickly picks her up, walks her to the waters edge and throws her in the ocean. He calls out 'there you go, you are fucked now!'. There you go Soulmate. APOLOGIES! This is so not allowed I'm guessing? Aussies are always inappropriate.

My ex husband was rathe immature and full of dad jokes. He did 'get me good' as we say many moons ago when I was but an innocent young girl. You MUST already know this one. Very popular. He had me recite as fast as possible, over & over the 'Fletcher the Pheasant Plucker' tongue twister. I'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm a pheasant plucker's son, But I'll keep on plucking pheasants 'Till the pheasant plucker comes. Like he knew I would end up saying... I'll keep on fucking pleasant 'till the pleasant fucker comes SORRY AGAIN! YOU ASKED!

You surely know the movie 'Their a Weird Mob'. This 1966 Australian Comedy Film depicts exactly how we were before all this Political Correctness took over. I grew up watching that which is now considered so wrong. The Benny Hill Show The Three Stooges The Paul Hogan Show with his offsider Strop aka Arthur Dunger Graham Kennedy and his 'Blankety Blanks' show. Bert Newton his off sider. We loved them all! The more inappropriate, the more funny we found it. My Grandfather was a shocker for stirring us up. Teaching us 'dirty little ditties' etc He came out with funny one liners non stop! Nanna use to refer to him as Bob Hope. Without a word of a lie. He looked exactly like him! People would stop us in the shops and say as much. Nan would say 'yes I married bloody Bob Hope'. She was laughing though. Pretending to be annoyed. That was their camaraderie which carried them through 63 years of marriage. Their special magic saved us 3 kids. We knew laughter. Gran used it as a pick me up. Watched heaps of Comedy movies growing up! An old fav is The Court Jester, Danny Kaye Then as I got older (whenever I was down) I'd deliberately put on The Odd Couple 1 & 2 (more modern versions) by Neil Simon starring Walter Matthau & Jack Lemmon Side note daughter often says she is Oscar and I'm Felix. Also a big fan of the 'Grumpy Old Men' Movies. Such a huge reminder of Grandads character. Side note will NEVER forget my Sisters accusations against Gran after he's gone. Bro won't forgive her either. Only thing Bro & I have ever agreed upon. Sorry I jump back & forth. A bit of a scatter brain these days aren't I? Hopefully, these suggestions may appeal to you! Now go & get your favourite indulgence (whatever that may be) mine is liqueur cherries, put your feet up & watch something until you either wet your pants laughing or fall asleep. Take care of you! Talk soon HUGS

"NOW BEST TO DELETE." Ollocks, will I - that was perfect! AND appropriately in-yer-face earnest and desperate-on-behalf for this 'latening' hour (is that a word, cos it should be). Big fat grin from me and I'm pasting it over to him right now! Back in a tick... PS: You're obviously convinced I'm a woman as you've called me She again. I don't mind which you picture me as because my gender literally has no bearing on here, but from now on, it's "s/he", please/ta.

"You are a tower of strength BUT even you need to take better care of yourself. Rest up. Sleep more. Eat well. Ignore the demands of nutters like me for awhile. Give yourself time." Yeah, ta, I am. I've managed to re-set my timeclock (note time - Tweet-Tweet, you're newly a Songbird and I'm now a Morning Lark, was up and awake yesterday and today at 8.30am (I knowww!). Trying to squeeze as much daylight and sunshine out of the days, now that it's getting dark before 6. Apparently, good Vit D stores are imperative for avoiding or foreshortening Omicrom, (as well as using saltwater every night as your mouthwash), despite it's just another 'normal' flu now (so no need to call Meals-On-Wheels just yet hahaha, bless). PS: That's quite shpookily coinkydinky, actually....think about it: I decide to become more Morning Lark and next thing, you're coming on here calling yourself Songbird. Ooo-ERR... (insert Twilight Zone musak)...

Get to the rest in a bit (day off(!!!)) - haven't even had my morning coffee (and coughie) yet - gaaasp!....

"SORRY AGAIN! YOU ASKED!" Yeah, I asked, but, A-HEM!, I also asked more than once that you please asterisk your swear-words. Might have to delete those two messages now... Try to remember, yeah?

"mine is liqueur cherries" Bloody Nora???? NO WAY! Here in Spain, they sell Ma Cherie (think that's what they're called, think I've still one left in the fridge, will check next coffee break) - (real) dark chocs containing cherry liqueur and a Marachino. No sugary shell. My favourite Winter choc! (Getting shpookier....)

PS: Might be safer just to send me witty memes.

PPS: I don't think I need to keep bumping you lower, actually. Thanks to Jateace, if 'Schweppes' ("Shh, you know who!") opened this thread, she'd start reading from the top and quickly dismiss it. (She's not exactly patient, anyway, is she.)

PPPS: DELETE OUR LINK FROM YOUR HISTORY AFTER EVERY VISIT, THOUGH.

"She followed it with 'I will NEVER forgive you. I hate you. I don't even like you'." She can't feel powerful without her resentment as her ever-circling and -regenerating,...well - generator. That's why she's holding onto it. PLUS it means she has an excuse to sit around all day on her low-confidenced a*se. Tell her that, and when she denies it, tell her to PROVE it: by writing you a long, no-holds barred (but not verbally abusive) letter, which you will read over and over and discuss once you've had time to think it all through (and sift any crap or over-exaggeration from the truth). Bet she won't. Because she needs that Resentment (as above). Or (worst case) because it's now indelible. But let her prove you/me wrong. The challenge is AWWWWN! PS: I take it you haven't dropped your Grey Rock-stroke-retraining programme, just because she tightened the thumb screws? Your thumbs will grow back so don't worry about that. KEEP TRUCKING, cement those "I ain't 'avin' it!' feet into the ground. Are you/have you? What's the specific situation/climate now?

Oh, and also - ask her: then, with that the (alleged) case, why on EARTH doesn't she want to move out? ...The usual healthy retort, usually said to a fartner: If I'm the bane of your life, then why haven't you left yet? How can you stand to remain 24/7 in the company of a woman you rightly-or-wrongly so despise? Ffffunny, that!...always-always funny, that. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER. SO WHAT'S SHE GETTING OUT OF STAYING, THAT SHE DAREN'T CHANGE/LOSE? (What's your theory, DD?)

And, now, just between you and me - read this: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201208/which-comes-first-resentment-or-narcissism (by Steven Stosny, Ph.D) " Which Comes First, Resentment or Narcissism? Sometimes the Egg Eats the Chicken THE BASICS What Is Narcissism? Take our Narcissistic Partner Test Find a therapist who understands narcissism. Narcissism and resentment go together. The usual explanation is that narcissists are resentful because the world doesn’t recognize their brilliance or meet their demands for special privleges. That's probably true in a great many cases. But it is also possible that chronic resentment leads to narcissism. A derivative of innate anger, resentment emerges in pre adolescence when children develop a strong sense of fairness. Resentment requires a perception of unfairness. It shares the physiological characteristics of anger but is less intense and of longer duration, i.e., it reaches much lower levels of arousal but lasts much, much longer. Where anger (when directed at others) is an aggressive exertion of power to get someone to back off or submit to what you want (either in reality or in your imagination), resentment is a defensive way of mentally devaluing and retaliating against those whom you perceive to be treating you unfairly. Preadolescents are vulnerable to resentment because they perceive a lot of unfairness, in large part because the immature prefrontal cortex cannot objectively evaluate their behavior. This deprives them of context for evaluating the fairness of other people's behavior and makes them feel bewildered and illused by negative feedback they get from those whom they offend. As a result, their egos are generally fragile, in need of a lot of defense. Resentment functions as an ego defense when perceived unfairness seems to devalue the self. If a child perceives a lot of unfairness, resentment expands into a defensive system, which activates whenever he/she feels uncomfortable. The systematic use of resentment as a defense occurs before prefrontal cortical development can provide a substantial sense of self that is less in need of defense, i.e., less fragile. Pre and early adolescence is characterized by black and white thinking and oversimplification, with fantasy substituted for self awareness and unrealistic projections obscuring awareness of others - characteristics retained in adulthood by the resentful and the narcissistic. Maturity of the prefrontal cortex provides a substantial sense of self for most people, who are able to outgrow the need of resentment as a generalized ego defense. The mature self is less in need of defense because it is more realistic, self-aware, and perceptive of actual social context of achievement and acceptance. However, the prefrontal cortex does not reach full maturity until the late twenties. By then, some people have formed entrenched habits of using the low-grade epinephrine, nurepinephrine, and cortisol of resentment for energy and ego defense. As a result, they are less able to avail the full power of their prefrontal cortex to counteract the confirmation bias and cognitive distortions inherent in resentment, much less to fortify a sense of self free of unrealistic attributions and projections. Because the world seems to treat them especially unfairly, they feel entitled to special compensation. In other words, they become narcissistic." _____________________________________________________________________ About sums her up, wouldn't you say? (Note: narcissist-IC is not the same as Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It is the gateway, though. And, depending on degree, horrible enough on its own to try to have any relationship with. Same as the overly insecure. Suffice it to say: she's stuck fast up her own a*rse and needs pulling out, basically.) Thoughts/feelings?

Read it. Nailed it. Yes that is it. In a nutshell. Resentment turned to Narcissism. But how does one mend this? Can it be? Seems pretty firmly established. I always delete my history. Grey Rock-stroke-retraining programme still in place. I've actually seen/experienced some positive changes here in the last few days. Hope upon hope it lasts. Sorry can't send you witty memes as I don't really get what they are and I don't know how to find them or do it? Not great with modern technology only the minimal basics. Could use a box of Ma Cherie right about now LOL so much for the diabetes. Increase meds LOL They only are available here once a year between October to Early December. Our temperatures get so very high that the centre 'liqueur' dries out very quickly and the chocolate turns white. Even in the fridge. It doesn't matter what you try to keep them in tip top condition. I actually befriended the man who orders them in annually at my local store. He knows the sad facts about Liqueur Cherries here in Aussie Land. He tries to get them in earlier say Sept. and phones me to let me know if they arrive on the truck early. Because the stores (to save money and power) turn off the air conditioning at night. Hence, choccies at Xmas Time here are not a success. Same as Easter the eggs turn to mush in your hand or sweat profusely in the fridge. Our fridges can't cope already this year. They leak water and are hot to the touch on the side. We've been having shocking heat waves & super cells & flash flooding non stop. Haven't been able to go out in days (as we walk). These chocs make a nice gift if only they'd live longer on shelf here. He said they get tonnes bought back for a refund due to the middle having evaporated. A bit of chocolate in Australia trivia. You can tell tea and chocs are passions of mine LOL

You said: ...The usual healthy retort, usually said to a fartner: If I'm the bane of your life, then why haven't you left yet? How can you stand to remain 24/7 in the company of a woman you rightly-or-wrongly so despise? Ffffunny, that!...always-always funny, that. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER. SO WHAT'S SHE GETTING OUT OF STAYING, THAT SHE DAREN'T CHANGE/LOSE? (What's your theory, DD?) I HAVE said similar to this to her in just the last week. I actually believe I won that round. She has been rather contrite since. She simply can't get past her resentment of her life in comparison to the other now adult kids in this family. Her anger towards me for being a 'failure' in all areas apparently. By the way...I'll pay the being poor sucked big time and watching the others be spoilt was/is still very difficult for her. But her life was very good in non material ways. I really devoted myself to quality time spent with her & imaginative play. We were best buddies up until about 16. All I ever wanted was a baby girl. A live dolly. In my opinion I spoilt her love, time, attention and praise. She is a lazy girl who values her freedom from the 'have to's' of life. She literally avoids what everybody else does automatically daily. She uses me. I'm less a Mother and more unpaid hired help. I watch what little she does in a day and it really riles me. Within one hour I've done more chores & 'have to's' than she does in one whole day 24 hours. She does next to nothing. Then has the audacity to say she is tired. The other day I minded these two dogs in a heat wave so special attention needed (cold, wet towels, extra iced water, cooling pads on their bedding, making dog friendly ice-blocks etc), I did all the housework, I did some yard work and got sunburnt, I walked to the shops and got sunburnt (it is so strong here that UV rays go through my umbrella and my TShirt, and hat. The top of your head is still very hot to touch). I put the groceries away & began to cook dinner for the four of us. She slept in until 3pm. She then drank the iced coffee I'd made her and was waiting in the fridge. She then talked to her friends on line for two hours. She then declared she was 'exhausted' and needed to go for a nap! It is like she doesn't see what I do. She doesn't want to. By the evening I could barely serve her, her dinner. I was walking doubled over at the waist. I looked in the mirror and saw how white my face was completely drained of colour. More tests coming but couldn't get out in the storms to travel to the City yet. I said to her... I don't want you getting back in that bed (queen size) and biggest room in the place. Because in the heatwave you've made the sheets and pillow slip smell sweaty. We don't have air cond. Only stand alone fans. I need to change the linen but I'm in pain so please do it for me. 'Nope I can't' she said. 'I'm not sure how you do it so neat and proper whereas I just throw a loose sheet over the bed'. I said 'will you please come and we'll do it together then. I'll teach you'. 'Nope I can't as I'm in the middle of something important here on my computer. You do it and then I'll go for my nap'. It takes everything in me not to scream at her! I said 'what the heck can be so important and can't you see me struggling here? I'm sick. Do you even care?' I got told she is in a cue online with a dog forum problem page and needs to discuss her puppy and doesn't wish to lose her place but can barely keep her eyes open so please have the bed ready for me as soon as I've gotten my answers about puppy. Now I know I should not have done it for her right? But I can't stand the room smelling of sweat. It repulses me. Also I weighed up the freedom time. Naughty me. I like to get some space from each other. I literally need it. She slept. Got up at around midnight and then watched Alien shows on TV until 4:20am. So in answer to your query...she will lose her freedom. Her lifestyle. I call her 'Permanent Holiday girl'. She only cares for herself and that puppy (lately I've become pups mum and this is now causing strife). The girl doesn't learn ever. She is on repeat with her errors of judgment and mistakes. She simply doesn't seem to 'see' anything clearly??? No comprehension that if you leave this puppy alone for five hours with me to go do 'fun' shopping then puppy clings to me for all her needs. Puppy turns two in a week. She is also copying Big Doggy and following her around. Monkey see, monkey do. So when Raya jumps on my lap & gives me kissess then puppy squeezes in and does it also. Now puppy won't sit with daughter to watch the Alien Movies all night long. She is following me room to room as does Raya. I'm sick of pointing things out to her. She is very intelligent yet she has eyes with which she doesn't see what is going on right in front of her face. Situations she has created. One of her friends is rich. She won a court case years back and NEVER has to work. So daughter spends hours every day sending memes with her, discussing their dogs, laughing, joking etc She'd lose her cleaning lady, her cook, her dog minder, her freedom, her couch and it's actual dint groove from her arse.

She also suffers from severe jealousy. Of her cousins. Of everything! Like if I speak to my Niece. If I speak to anybody other than her. I see it most and hear it in her speech mostly after a visit to my Mother. She gets angry. She can be forked tongued and rather nasty. She rang me constantly to interrupt my Birthday visit with Mum. She was sarcastic towards me. She called me pathetic. Then when I got home and I was crying she scoffed at me. Really rudely mocked me. I sort of get why. I was on a little high getting home that day. I achieved my goal plus got a bit extra I wasn't expecting. She did not like that I was happy. She complained I was gone too long. She accused me of not caring about her being left home alone in this neighbourhood and of putting my Mother first. I told her she was being immature and unreasonable. That her words don't make an ounce of sense. I'd offered for her to come with me. Bring the dogs also. The Residents love seeing our two dogs. I was paying for travel etc so it wasn't going to cost her anything other than her time. She said she 'wanted' to stay home and had things she had 'planned' on doing without me there. I'd like to chat with you further Soulmate about Mums Birthday if you will indulge me. I don't have any friend to tell what happened. The day was weird good. The days that followed were not. I've done a lot of crying as a result. Of course I tried to confide in my adult daughter about what happened and how I was feeling. She did say 'why are you crying?' when I got in. First returned home. It quickly changed to 'you are so weak and so pathetic'. So I didn't discuss the rest with her. I just got on with the chores. She did nothing when I was gone. Didn't even take her coffee mug out to the sink.

If I'm boring you or you don't have time to read this then that is ok. I understand. You have an important role and I'm more than a little 'too needy'. As I mentioned previously post Mums B'Day everything I did for her and gave her was stolen! I was upset at the time. Bawled like a 3 year old. Let's say I was over tired and drained emotionally. I now realise that on her actual B'Day I was given a gift. A fantastic day with some down right magical moments thrown in. It was weird. It was amazing. Makes one believe in something out there beyond us. Bigger. Watching. Knows what is what. Steps in and sets things to right. I am at peace with my Mother now. Can't seem to make anybody understand my thought patterns nor analysis. I get heads shaking at me. I get comments like 'you're so desperate'. I know Mum tortured us as kids. I could spend hours on a psychiatrists couch. I have written it all down in a journal. To face it once and for all. Why? You may remember Soulmate how I began to tell daughter about the emotional and physical abuse. At first she listened and I thought I was getting somewhere. By way of understanding from her. BUT she quickly shut me down when I started up the topic again the next day. Even put her hand up in a STOP sign. Said 'I've heard enough about the evil b*itch and what she did. I won't be visiting her again and I don't want her around my dogs. I can't believe what a weakling loser you are. The fact that you still dote on this woman and visit her is mind boggling. She should be left there to rot alone. I have zero respect for you. You think yourself strong but Mum you are so desperate for love that it makes me want to vomit. I won't listen to anymore of it. My Aunt and Uncle are the strong ones. They have abandoned the b*tch as they should. I cannot fathom for one moment why you still run to her, dote on her or even care'. I offered to explain why I do but she walked away and said if I bring the subject of Nanna up then she will just keep on leaving the room until I learn. I want somebody to actually 'hear me' and try to understand my reasoning before I die. Somebody who will listen without judgment. Somebody who won't shake their head at me nor name call me. Somebody who will tell me the truth though. I can take it. As daughter turned her back & walks away. Will not listen. I started writing the memories down in a journal. It has made me realise how bad it was. How damaged I am. However, it has made me see Mum differently. I get some of what she must have been going through. Her struggle. Her inner turmoil. It can't have been easy being her. She gave it all her best shot. She crumbled under the pressure. She didn't have much to work with from the get go. Mum was BORN mentally unhinged. She can't help that. She had to cope as best she could. Situations in life were just too much for her to handle. She snapped under the pressure. This I get. I can now see through her eyes more from my own experiences as an adult and Mother. My daughter simply can't relate to any of it. I can now see the bigger picture. I've talked to Mum for hours at that Nursing Home. Mum is lucid A LOT. WAY MORE than Doctors predicted. What I see is a lady locked up for her personality and those not in the know think it is dementia. I'm going to say her name for the whole world to hear. It doesn't matter. She is an 81 year old woman struggling in a high security ward of a Nursing Home. OH yes...dementia is there and starting but her reactions are Clare. Her behaviours are Clare. IT is how she has always been. Now she is medicated. On the correct drugs. Now she has some clarity and therefore now so do I.

Change of Topic. Did something silly. Contacted a free psychic. Yeah...I know what you're probably thinking as I think it too However I found her response quite enlightening I gave ZERO personal information away She asked me to concentrate on a topic and then to type a one sentence question which I wanted the answer for So I did. I did not mention names or anything. I will tell you that I was thinking of my Sister (side note: I haven't been on FB socially for ages with family members! I do have to check daily for doll orders and club messages. Sometimes a message box opens whilst I'm on. I read it but do not respond. Only an old friend has made contact once in a month. I haven't been tempted at all by Social Media. Neither have I been on Instagram.) So this is back ground knowledge. Now I'll go send you the psychic reading. Merely out of curiosity am I sharing it.

This person was definitely expecting a reaction from you This person was expecting an emotional outburst from you what they didn't expect was your silence This person expected a big reaction something to feed the chaos that follows them The person made a terrible mistake by projecting their issues onto you You made a choice for silence and peace This person wrongly thought your silence as a sign of weakness This person underestimated your kindness for weakness This person didn't expect you to stand your ground You stood your ground and it has thrown them for a loop You are showing them that their actions are irrelevant You have become a mirror for this person to face themselves in You made the decision to respect your peace rather than engage The person doesn't deserve your time Your strength is currently haunting them more than anything you could have said or done You were right not to engage with this person who doesn't deserve any of your energy The person was battling their own demons and was projecting this onto you You know who this is because they constantly picked fights with you Picking fights over the littlest things The person is only now realising the weight of what they have done This person is panicking over you right now They thought that you'd be running back to them by now This person really underestimated you They treated you poorly and you showed them your strength This persons intention was to prove themselves right by getting a reaction from you This person wanted to get under your skin This person believed they would win by you losing it with them This person failed because you left the situation rather than engaging with them Do not think your silence and disconnect means you are weak I am giving you confirmation that you've made the correct choice You've truly shown them your strength I reiterate the person is not worthy of any response from you I reiterate you made the right choice The person thought they'd have won The person was expecting to have won This person is now realising they made a big mistake! It is time this person faces themselves

Romeo wherefore art thou? It was the lark, the herald of the morn, no nightingale. Look, love, what envious streaks do lace the severing clouds in yonder east. Night's candles are burnt out, and day stands tiptoe on the misty mountain tops. How are you? Worried Let me know how your health is progressing when you are up to it Omicron and its variants are wicked Fight it. Stay strong. Hang in there HUG (PS not love bombing just care doesn't matter if we don't really know each other nor live far apart. Just one human being concerned for another who has been very supportive of me)

Hi, just going to chat about general stuff happening if that is alright. I know I come across as annoying, demanding, needy (because I am). I have nobody to talk to nor confide in & this Sunday is not turning out to be a fun day. Whilst I was alone pottering around all was fine. Partner having a long sleep in. Once finished the chores started creating The Thanksgiving Doll Diorama & was really enjoying this past time. Me and the two dogs. Peaceful. They were sleeping after a play, pee & breakfast. Tranquil. Before too long Partner comes down. Phone rings. Git. Partner answers. Things went pair shaped from that point. Yesterday and few days prior I'd made actually progress with Partner. I wouldn't call it any great leaps & bounds achieved but I was noticing a change. A slight breeze. A little breath of fresh air. Actually in truth it is easier to get along with Partner when they sleep half the day away and then go shopping for 4+ hours. So a lull until today. Apparently Git went on & on about the 25 year old cousins great success and fun time had in Japan. She just returned and he had much to say about her photos (how beautiful she is? How independent travelling to a foreign land and staying all alone. How clever she is as she can't speak the language. It just went on...I could hear him from across the room. Then he informs Partner that other cousin (age 21 years) is about to leave in the next few weeks to work and live in Japan as an English Teacher. She too will be all alone. once again he went on about how (she is a really good looker, stunning with a sexy body on her?) then adds how she has turned out well. Once again it is on speaker & I'm in our small villa so can hear every word spoken with my own two ears. Partner soon hangs up the phone. There is that expression I'm very familiar with. Anger. I felt rather nervous and a bit scared to be honest. I knew what was coming. A tirade. So I left the room. Went to do the laundry folding. However, I was pursued. Contd.

Background Knowledge: This first female Cousin who just got back from Japan is leaving in a few weeks for a European Tour. Gone for months. Needed an escape due to her depression? Mummy & Daddy are rolling in money and gave her the funds to travel. She is an unpaid actor doing roles here & there. She works a few days a week at a Pharmacy as a Counter Sales Assistant not a Chemist or any such career. This second female Cousin leaving to be an English Teacher soon just turned 21 recently. Had a party. Got given her first car with a big bow on it. Worked Part time in a take away food store. Has a rich Uncle. He helps her Mum & Dad afford things. Her Dad was a stay at home father who began being a post man when the kids became teenagers. Her Mum works in a TV studio behind the scenes in the office. They are not rolling in money. They have just enough & Uncle does indeed frequently give them large hand outs. I won't even begin to tell about the other family kids. I've touched on it in the past. Spoilt rotten. Rich & famous grandfather.

Neither of these young females has worked exceptionally hard in their lives to date. Both work part time or casual. Both are given money hand outs to travel regularly this was not the first time. So partners tirade began... She was the highest achiever annually in Japanese at her school & spoke it fluently. Each year of her school life she received awards on stage for outstanding achievement in Japanese. At 15 her male Aussie but Japanese teacher phoned and offered to take her to Japan with him. He thought it would be great for her. He said she'd need about $1000AUD for costs. He was a family man (father of 4) was very friendly, kind & spoke to me on the phone often. Said he was greatly impressed with her academic level. I trusted him to a degree. Realistically he was a virtual stranger asking to escort my daughter half way around the world. I didn't have the money. I was fearful sending her unchaperoned away so young. She'd never spent one night away from me. She flipped out when I said 'no'. She kept on at me. I asked the opinion of her Grandparents and Great Grandparents. All agreed she was not worldly enough and way too young to travel alone with a male teacher. She threw a temper tantrum. Insisted they pay for her to go & extra for me to go with her. Her Grandparents said we'll make you a deal. You have two more years of high school to go. Get the top award for year 11 & year 12 and then at 17 years of age nearly 18 we'll let you go on the trip with Mr Maths (as he goes annually). She harped on & on. She cried. She was angry. She said 'that is a breeze as I've always gotten the awards and I don't see what difference two years will make'. As usual living with her when she didn't get her way was a nightmare for me and she didn't let up mentioning it for about six months. Halfway through year 11 she quit Japanese. Said she didn't want to do that subject anymore. Male Teacher fought her on quitting. She said she wanted to do Mythology and Gemmology instead. She did do the Gemmology. So today she hangs up the phone...yelling at me...everything is my fault! Quote 'I'm a cowardly, piece of shit Mother, no guts, no gumption, no gall. I'm a pathetic human being. I never came through on the deal for Japan'. I went to the laundry to escape her tirade. She followed and persisted. Quote 'I'm pathetic, I'm a loser...blah...blah... it went on & on. I could see she was holding back tears. Initially I tried to sympathise and say I understood how she felt but this made her more angry. The accusations were flying. The insults kept right on coming. she became her usual 'hard to love or like Monster'. I admit to calmly saying words I probably should not have said. I lost my temper without yelling. I know what I said was wrong but I'm soooo sick of her! She is a 32 year old baby. I'm so over it! I said good things come to nice people and that her personality sucks so nothing will ever change. I left the room. Now she is not talking to me. Mother of the Year!

I am exceedingly unhappy. I don't know how not to be unhappy. I know I spoke coldly to my daughter today and out of line. At least I did not name call, raise my voice nor swear. I have since apologised to her twice for what I said. I can tell that she hasn't forgiven me. I am expected to forgive the one thousand insults and hurts she bestows on me however the same is not reciprocated. I am over tired. It is 2am. I have sat up until 5am every evening for many now & allow my girl to go to bed. Why? Because although the perps next door were evicted they are still in the area. One who came to our door & stared straight at the cameras was walking our street in a rain storm the other day. Another of the gang saw me in the grocery store and instantly told his mate who I was and then they followed me aisle to aisle until a staff member asked them to leave because he noticed and said if you aren't buying anything then go. Also, the gang (I recognise their car) has been doing tail gating and drag racing in our street for the past few nights which has been frightening me. My nerves are on edge. Sometimes they play the car radio gangster music up loud (no regard for the hour) and this makes me even more nervous. On top of all this I've been quite unwell with the usual pain but then severe fainting & dizzy spells and nausea. It seems I have a blood infection. I'm now on strong meds. So back to the trouble causing phone call made to daughters phone by Git today (now yesterday)....

He said to her the following. “Your Uncle and his family gave your Grandmother the best time ever two days after her birthday. Yes, she had the only good time since the last time they took her out. Their kids are all so successful, polite and doting. Even your Uncle was patient, tolerant and gentle with Clare. I have 20 photos to show your Mother. I'll send you one now if I can on this new phone. We were driven to a fancy CAFE for brunch in their new $45,000 car. The meals were so expensive and all four kids plus the oldest boys girl friend ordered big meals with fancy drinks. I only got Clare and myself a toasted ham and cheese sandwich as everything else on the menu was too expensive. We all laughed and chatted for two hours. It was wonderful. Just wonderful. Then we took her back to the Nursing Home and she seemed happy”. He then sent through one photo to her of all of them around a big table. Even the new girl friend. Nobody was doting on Mum. She was a little away from them (to the side and did not look happy at all. No smiling. She was very white/pale and looked super tired). But Git well he was BEAMING (never seen him so happy in 32 years) also he was giving a double thumbs up signal to the camera. Never known him to have a personality either. Guess for him it was another 'MAGIC' moment. If you recall his word when he got Mum declared non compos mentis at the tribunal and took all her money, the house, the car, bank accounts. The Lot. I have seen my Mum nearly every second day for over a year. I've held her whilst she shook with sobs. I've wiped her eyes. I've done her laundry. I've organised her room with her. I've given her parties. I've taken the dogs to see her. I've taken her in the garden. I've bought her music. I've decorated her room with ornaments and photos of her parents from home. I've taken her to the Nursing Home cafe several times. I take her for walks with the dogs. So much more. BUT ALAS...my Brother, his wife (the rich ones) and their four spoilt kids with a new girlfriend in toe took her out for the first time in over a year to a CAFE for two hours and they are HERO'S. To add insult to injury is the way Git informed me the day after her actual B'Day which I spent with her. That everything was gone. Her gifts (one yet to be unwrapped), her card, her birthday cake with candle still in it, the picnic stuff, her new dress, her home made jam drops, her chocolate bar, the lunch box they were in, the vase of everlasting flowers on her bedside table I gave her 'Statice' my Nanas fav because it doesn't require water and never dies. The miniature satin rose bouquet I made and put in a lace tussie mussie for her bedside table. He chuckled slightly and said 'sorry to say (my name) but it seems to all have all oddly gone up in smoke. When I said I was going to see the person in charge about the stealing he told me 'No! (my name). Don't do that. It will only cause trouble and awkward feelings and they'll probably take it out on your Mother when we are not there. Let it go (my name). A wandering dementia patient probably came in her room and took it all. I said 'that is ridiculous'. The ward has only 8 beds on it. They can search the rooms because that was a lot of stuff, even a still wrapped gift, there would be paper left behind as the rooms don't have a bin. All those items carried out by one elderly person? I don't think so. He responded with 'don't be a trouble causer (my name) let it go, let it go. Your Mother won't remember anything you did anyways. I really hate that man!

I'm hurt. I'll be ok. I can rise above it. What Git doesn't know at all IS HOW HER ACTUAL BIRTHDAY WENT. I was the only family/visitor who attended and I got my MAGIC. He has zero idea. Mum was totally lucid! It was amazing. She was Mum. I had her back without any confusion or forgetfulness at all. She gave me a huge smile when I entered and a massive hug. Git had said she'd forgotten me. According to him she doesn't even know my name nor recognise me in a photo on his mobile phone. I CALL B*LL S*IT! She totally knew me and no prompting whatsoever required. She was thrilled that I came. She did not know it was her Birthday. When I told her she was like a little kid all excited. I gave her the bunch of dried flowers. A card. Her first gift. I told all the Staff how it was her 81st Birthday (they didn't know either). They came and hugged her & made a fuss of her. She was delighted. They put her flowers in the middle of the table and the cake I bought her. Typing this and reliving it well I'm trying not to cry. The staff made her a poster for her bedroom door. They were gone a little while then came back with a signed card for her from every staff member on the ward. Other Residents (dementia patients) clapped her and some wished her a happy birthday. Then the staff put on the Birthday Song & we all sang it to her. She was thrilled with her new nightgown. I took photos of her. She wouldn't undo the dress. I'd put effort in and wrapped it very prettily because it wasn't much of a gift. Just a $20 house dress. I made a double bow for the top and combined blue & pink wrap, ribbons & the mini bouquet of roses I made her on top. She said 'it is just too pretty to tear open, will you please take photos of the parcel for me, can I unwrap it later tonight on my own, will you go put it beside my bed on the chest of drawers'. So I did. Then I got out my computer. My daughter and I had sat up the whole night before together. YES WE ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING TOGETHER WITHOUT BICKERING! We went through her old slides (if you know those which you'd watch on a projector with a white screen against a wall). Well they'd aged. Had spots on them. Fit for the bin. We went through hundreds. My daughter knew how to photograph them, remove the age spot patches and put them onto my laptop. We zoomed in & blew them up so that she could see them clearly without her glasses (she lost them). Git refuses to get her new ones says she doesn't need them. We chose the photos I knew she'd love best. Mostly her parents. Us three as little kids. The picnics, the Christmases. So she (Clare) asked the staff & other residents to gather around and we went slowly through the old memories. She laughed & she cried happy tears. She told them about some of the events depicted. The staff really took an interest and told me 'well done. That is the best gift you could ever give her. Yesterday'. Mum lapped up the attention. She was really happy. Then the staff asked if she'd like some music put on in the common room. She chose the Carpenters. An exact CD of the album she played over & over when I was little. Some residents tapped their feet to the music or even their hands on the table. Then my Mum turned to me and said come closer I want to whisper something in your ear. So I did. She said 'thank you Love this has been the best day ever'. Then in front of all she stood up and began to sing (serenade) directly to me one of the songs. Its title is 'For All We Know' by the Carpenters. The staff broke down in tears and I sobbed. She even changed a few words to suit us... Love, look at the two of us Strangers in many ways We've got a lifetime to share So much to say and as we go from day to day I'll feel you close to me But time alone will tell Let's take a lifetime to say I knew you well For only time will tell us so And love may grow for all we know Love, look at the two of us Strangers in many ways Let's take a lifetime to say I knew you well For only time will tell us so And love may grow for all we know When the song finished, they clapped her & I hugged her. She said 'it was always just you and me kid. I'd have been lost without you Love. When I found out I was having you I cried. I didn't want a third baby. Then you were the easiest birth only 5 hours. As a toddler you always wiped my tears with a tissue when I cried. You always made me coffees when you got older and you always made me laugh. You have been my life saver. The others left me alone. Didn't understand me. Abandoned me. Not you daughter. You have always stayed. Look at today. Do you remember when your Sister and Brother p*ss*d off? It was just us and we had a nice time didn't we? I'm sorry for the bad times. I really am. I love you kiddo, I always have.' They can take the cake, the gifts, her money, everything! But they can't take that day nor what she said away from me ever. It is our secret. An irreplaceable memory. That day was MAGIC!

Heya! Still Covidy (which is putting pressure on my eyes and making them by various degrees blurry), but have read up to here: Nov 21 2024 at 00:23 GOOD, glad you're still keeping up the retraining programme! (huge thumbs-up) And, specifically, likewise glad you boxed her into a corner with the salient question, Then why do you insist on sticking around me. Am hoping I'll have time to log-on tomorrow, otherwise Tuesday - keep bearing with... :)

Yess - window! You've left me a lot, though, which I couldn't possibly find time right now to comment on so I'll just go chronologically and address whatever particularly pops out at me... Unless you did so further on - describe the progress/new conduct or behaviour you're noticing in amongst the usual shite. " Because the stores (to save money and power) turn off the air conditioning at night." Oh, DO THEY, INDEED! That explains a lot! So they must do it here, too. Re your fridge and freezer: the more full up they are, the better because the items retain and share the cold, meaning, the fan can take long rests; yours is obviously over-working. Lots and lots of Lemons are good for that, including in the freezer (you can make Lemon Marmalade out of them once you no longer need them) (add some Gin or Ginger!). Mine are packed with them haha. But it works. Got that from an online Life Hack thingumy....Speaking of which: you just type 'Funny Memes' in your google search, adding, 'about X' (whatever it is....Difficult daughters/teenagers?). "These chocs make a nice gift if only they'd live longer on shelf here." What about keeping them in a sealed, insulated, thick plastic Cool Box, the type you take to the beach? Regulated temperature plus lack of oxygen, in a cupboard on the North side of the house - that'd do it, surely? I haven't tried it myself - just conjecturing based on logic/physics. Try it? (Haha - "No - you" / "Noo - yoooou!....") I like choc that's partly healthy, like Fruit 'n Nut, Bounty (mostly coconut), Snickers/Lion Bar.... And Cherries are a superfood, doncha know! (Plus choc is surprisingly nutritional, the darker the better (tick!).) And-and-AND,..have got just what you need (so no wonder you crave Ma Cheries). Check THIS out!... (PS what's happened to the Dark-Choc Bounties - the red coloured package? And what happened to Texan Bars, the caramel-flavoured nougat covered in milk choc? That disappeared in the 80s, I think. ...Bsstds.) Anyway, back to Cherries... ______________________________________ "1. Fight inflammation and diseases ((YOU NEED THAT!)) Red cherries get their rich color from anthocyanins and are high in polyphenols like flavonoids. These phytonutrients, or plant chemicals, have antioxidant properties. “Antioxidants protect against inflammation and fight free radicals, which can cause cell damage and contribute to chronic diseases like cancer, diabetes and heart disease,” says Sedlacek. Snacking on a bowl of fresh cherries also provides antioxidants like: Vitamin A (beta-carotene). Vitamin C. Vitamin E. One review of multiple studies found that eating at least 45 cherries every day reduces inflammation brought on by free radicals. “But if you’re sensitive to salicylates, a natural plant chemical found in cherries and also used in aspirin, eating that many cherries can lead to an upset stomach and diarrhea,” cautions Sedlacek. 2. Promote more restful sleep ((YOU NEED THAT!)) The same review showed that tart and sweet cherries help you sleep better thanks to the fruit’s high levels of: Melatonin, a hormone that helps regulate the sleep-wake cycle. Serotonin, a chemical that helps your body make melatonin. Tryptophan, an amino acid that increases serotonin and, as the saying goes, puts you to sleep after a Thanksgiving meal. 3. Soothe sore muscles ((YOU NEED THAT!)) Studies of long-distance runners indicate that tart cherries and tart cherry juice may ease inflammation and soothe sore muscles after a workout. “The anti-inflammatory and antioxidant properties of cherries work like nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs) such as ibuprofen for reducing or preventing pain. However with cherries, you don’t have the risk of harmful side effects such as potential gastrointestinal, kidney and possible heart issues,” says Sedlacek. Another study found that consuming a tart cherry powder supplement enhanced exercise performance in endurance runners. Runners who took the supplement for 10 days before a half-marathon had 13% faster race finish times than those who took a placebo. And they felt less achy afterward. 4. Prevent and ease arthritis pain ((?)) As many as 1 in 4 people with gout consume cherries, cherry juice or cherry extract to lower their risk of a painful gout flare-up, according to a 2017 survey. A buildup of uric acid causes this inflammatory arthritis, which can make your big toes and other joints feel like they’re on fire. “Eating cherries or drinking cherry juice every day can lower uric acid levels and ease the pain and swelling of arthritis,” says Sedlacek. In a study of more than 600 people with gout, participants who: Ate fresh cherries for two days had about 33% fewer gout flare-ups than those who didn’t eat cherries. Ate cherries and also took gout medications experienced a 75% reduction in flare-ups. 5. Protect your heart ((Probably, albeit temporary/reversible)) A cup of fresh cherries has 260 milligrams of potassium, very little sodium and high amounts of plant sterols (phytosterols). “High-potassium, low-sodium foods, eaten in moderation, can help lower your blood pressure and reduce your risk of heart disease,” notes Sedlacek. Plus, consuming plant sterols are an effective and natural way to lower your cholesterol, another heart-healthy move. 6. Improve blood sugar levels ((YOU NEED THAT!)) Another benefit of eating cherries: The fruit is low on the glycemic index. Cherries also contain fiber from their skin, which makes them raise blood sugars slower, as long as they’re not canned in syrup. This makes cherries a perfect treat for people with diabetes. Sedlacek notes that they should be enjoyed in moderation, as the fruit is still a carbohydrate. In one study, people with diabetes who drank 1.35 ounces of concentrated sour cherry juice every day for six weeks saw significant drops in blood sugar levels. Research is underway to see if a healthy diet that includes cherries may reverse prediabetes. 7. Lower cancer risk “We know that eating a balanced diet with lots of fresh fruits and vegetables can help lower your risk of different cancers,” says Sedlacek. The high amounts of anthocyanins and melatonin in cherries protect against cancer-causing cell damage. Cherries also have bioactive compounds, chemicals that may help prevent cancer, according to research. 8. Pack a nutritional punch ((YOU NEED THAT!)) A cup of pitted sweet cherries has approximately: 74 calories. 19 grams of carbohydrates (7% daily value). 0.23 grams of fat (0% daily value). 2.5 grams of fiber (9% daily value). 1.24 grams of protein. 15 grams of sugar. Nutrient-wise, a cup of cherries has: 15 milligrams of calcium (1% daily value). 0.42 milligrams of iron (2% daily value). 13 milligrams of magnesium (3% to 4% daily value). 260 milligrams of potassium (6% daily value). 8 milligrams of vitamin C (9% daily value). How can I get more cherries into my diet? You’ll reap cherry benefits regardless of whether you like your stone fruit sweet or sour. Sweet cherries may be more delightful for your tastebuds when you eat them by the handful. Tart cherries are often used in baking. “Aim for one cup of fresh cherries a day or a quarter-cup of dried ones,” suggests Sedlacek. Try them in your favorite recipes — they can add a tangy twist to your brownies, coleslaw and rice pilaf. You can buy cherry supplements made from the juice or extract of cherries at your local drugstore. But Sedlacek stresses that you’ll get more nutrients through foods. " ___________________________________ Since you have to keep intake to a minimum, and no doubt could do with the magnesium etc in the choc - just stock up on your Ma Cheries! Or you winkle out the cherries with a spoon and give the shell to Oughta haha! /continued....

(continued...) Note where I've asterisked, and really observe and think about what and how you've put certain things (not criticism, just my own observations; it's for you to say what's what or what's behind them). And please can you answer the questions in order? Ta.: "I HAVE said similar to this to her in just the last week. I actually believe ***I won that round***. She has been rather contrite since." BTW, what did she actually say to that? Or, how's she shown her contrition? "She simply can't get past her resentment of her life in comparison to the other now adult kids in this family. Her anger towards me for being a 'failure' in all areas apparently." What - because if you were rich, her avoidance of real, adult life would be more comfortable or salubrious? "By the way...I'll pay the being poor sucked big time and watching the others be spoilt was/is still very difficult for her. But her life was very good in non material ways. I really devoted myself to quality time spent with her & imaginative play. We were ***best buddies*** up until about 16. ***All I ever wanted*** was a baby girl. ***A live dolly***. In my opinion I spoilt her love, time, attention and praise." What about discipline and constructive criticism/feedback. I notice you don't list those? "She is a lazy ***girl*** who values her freedom from the 'have to's' of life. She literally avoids what everybody else does automatically daily." Yes, she does. A Peta Pan if ever there was one. Are you sure it was she who was being picked-on at work by her colleagues and not the other way round? And before you answer that - remember how she speaks to and treats you and has for well over a decade. I wouldn't say she has any freedom, though - would you? I'd say she was incarcertated by her own hand (and then whatever's behind that). "She uses me. I'm less a Mother and more unpaid hired help. I watch what little she does in a day and it really riles me." It would anyone. But she clearly needs help - agree? PS: How obese is she? It may not be as simple and clear-cut as 'using you'. She may have passed the point of having any (easy) choice if she's effectively become crippled and (or due to having) grown a massive mental block about getting back on the work/career horse because she's been off it for so long - which anyone would, if you think about it (e.g. remember when you'd been off school for more than a day, how irrationally daunting the thought of going back? Similarly, when you'd overslept and had to go in late?...so it somehow seemed easier to stay home and go in on-time the next day?) How content out of 10 overall would you rate her? By the same token, how discontent out of 10? (Sounds contradictory - isn't, so please humour me.) "Within one hour I've done more chores & 'have to's' than she does in one whole day 24 hours. She does next to nothing. Then has the audacity to say she is tired." I'm sure she is! No stamina. Too little activity as the norm (muscle makes for energy). Her stamina would have to be built up again from fresh. Have you thought any more about the dusk-time walks through the countryside? Tell me again how many years she's been atrophying? "The other day I minded these two dogs in a heat wave so special attention needed (cold, wet towels, extra iced water, cooling pads on their bedding, making dog friendly ice-blocks etc), I did all the housework, I did some yard work and got sunburnt, I walked to the shops and got sunburnt (it is so strong here that UV rays go through my umbrella and my TShirt, and hat. The top of your head is still very hot to touch)." Sounds like you need a UV protective parasol. "***I*** put the groceries away & began ***to cook dinner*** for the four of us. She slept in until 3pm." Well, what's she got to get up for?? "She then drank the iced coffee ***I'd made her*** ***and was waiting in the fridge***. She then talked to her friends on line for two hours. She then declared she was 'exhausted' and needed to go for a nap! It is like she doesn't see what I do. She doesn't want to." Correct that last sentance. "By the evening I could barely ***serve her, her dinner***. I was walking doubled over at the waist. I looked in the mirror and saw how white my face was completely drained of colour. More tests coming but couldn't get out in the storms to travel to the City yet. I said to her...I ***don't want you*** getting back in that bed (queen size) and ***biggest room in the place***. Because in the heatwave you've made the sheets and pillow slip smell sweaty. We don't have air cond. Only stand alone fans. I need to change the linen but I'm in pain so please do it ***for me***. 'Nope I can't' she said. 'I'm not sure how you do it so neat and proper whereas I just throw a loose sheet over the bed'." "I said ***'will you please*** come and we'll do it together then. I'll teach you'. 'Nope I can't as I'm in the middle of something important here on my computer. ***You do it*** and then I'll go for my nap'. It takes everything in me ***not to*** scream at her! I said ***'what the heck can be so important and can't you see me struggling here? I'm sick. Do you even care?'*** Why would she need to when you do it anyway? "I got told she is in a cue online with a dog forum problem page" Oh, RUH-HUH-HEALLY... Dog FORUM PROBLEM PAGE? Bit coinkydinky, don't you think? Is that her hint, there, at why all the making you suffer? "and needs to discuss her puppy and doesn't wish to lose her place but can barely keep her eyes open so ***please have the bed ready for me as soon as*** I've gotten my answers about puppy. ****************Now I know I should not have done it for her right?******** "But I can't stand the room smelling of sweat. It repulses me." "Also I weighed up ***the freedom time. Naughty me.*** I like to get some space from each other. I literally need it. She slept. Got up at around midnight and then watched Alien shows on TV until 4:20am." YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS, DD. You realise that, yes? Plus this daily routine is WHY you need it. Can you see that? You're tying yourself in a figure of eight...self-perpetuating and -fulfilling. See it? In regards to 'it repulses me'. What other, practically-zero efforted action could you have taken so that it couldn't have repulsed you and thereby stayed her problem instead of yours? Also: consider this: by changing her sheets, you're Enabling her, and in TWO ways. Can you identify them? "So in answer to your query...she will lose her freedom." What freedom? Surely you mean, her having a roof over her head? She wouldn't afford one on her own, now, would she. "Her lifestyle." WHAT lifestyle? I don't see any style? I see very low income, I see ennui, lethargy, complete lack of motivation, stuck fast in a rut, atrophying mentally and physically. "I call her 'Permanent Holiday girl'. To continue my point: Would YOU book that?! "She only cares for herself and that puppy (***lately I've become pups mum and this is now causing strife***)." *In which case - strike 'and that puppy'. "The girl doesn't learn ever. She is on repeat with her errors of judgment and mistakes." Doesn't need to. "She simply doesn't seem to 'see' anything clearly???" Doesn't need to. "No comprehension that if you leave this puppy alone for five hours with me to go do 'fun' shopping then puppy clings to me for all her needs." Yeah. She wants the perks and for you to do the work part. (Perks without Work - typical Narc characteristic.) "Puppy turns two in a week. She is also copying Big Doggy and following her around. Monkey see, monkey do. So when Raya jumps on my lap & gives me kissess then puppy squeezes in and does it also. Now puppy won't sit with daughter to watch the Alien Movies all night long. She is following me room to room as does Raya." And...? "I'm sick of pointing things out to her. She is very intelligent yet she has eyes with which she doesn't see what is going on right in front of her face. Situations she has created." She's in denial, and the rest she refuses to look at, let alone deal with. But not so deeply that she has to have things pointed out to her as if she's actually 6. And yet you still do. Why? "One of her friends is rich. She won a court case years back and NEVER has to work. So daughter spends hours every day sending memes with her, discussing their dogs, laughing, joking etc" BINGO! Tell me more about this friend - how long, how close, won it how many years back - everything. "She'd lose her cleaning lady, her cook, her dog minder, her freedom, her couch and it's actual dint groove from her arse." LET'S SAY IT BIGGER: SHE'D LOSE HER ((FREE)) CLEANING LADY, HER COOK, HER DOG MINDER, HER FREEDOM ((to avoid life from her chosen prison)), ((YOUR)) COUCH. PS: you forgot Laundry Woman, Gardener, Shopper..... Would Skivvy be going too far? But now, what about: her only real-life friend; her mother; her only reliable relative; her serious, cost-of-living subsidiser; her housekeeper? _____________________________________ Now to you: What is it (you fear) YOU'D lose? ______________________________________ (Cheers for having waited but you can respond to this next, but do keep it brief because I haven't finished going through your other messages yet.)

Are you waiting for me to finish, first? Well, I've got tomorrow and Sunday off (allelujlia!!) so I shall do so (in bits, have got a lot of housechores to do, hoo-hiisss).

Heya! And this is me doing my best! Guh-reat... Anyway, to continue... "She also suffers from severe jealousy. Of her cousins. Of everything! Like if I speak to my Niece. If I speak to anybody other than her." TICK! "I see it most and hear it in her speech mostly after a visit to my Mother. She gets angry. She can be forked tongued and rather nasty." TICK! NOTE: 'S/he gets angry because s/he's narcissistic-abusive, not narc-abusive because s/he's angry.' Really think about the difference. Commit that to memory now by saying it 15 times on the trot. It's important to keep in-mind at all times. Reason they do it: She doesn't want you alone - without her being present - with anyone whom could give you no-nonsense feedback, were you to crack and burst into tears, say, and spill all. They might talk some sense into you. That shows, she KNOWS the way she's been treating you for too long is so very, very wrong and completely unacceptable by any sane person's standards. QUESTION: CAN YOU SEE THAT? "She rang me constantly to interrupt my Birthday visit with Mum. She was sarcastic towards me. She called me pathetic." TICK! (Narcissistic Sociopathic Comtempt.) It's just plain bullying, to get what she wants (which is, you away from any normal reactions and feedback, including from the nurses whom you've been getting to know and build relationships with, let's not forget). "Then when I got home and I was crying she scoffed at me. Really rudely mocked me." TICK! Narc-Spaths are contemptuous of your show of vulnerability because if it became a fashion, they'd be done for. So it has to be kicked out of you...of all Empaths. Plus, it's 9 times out of 10 how they themselves were 'raised'. Plus, they want you to 'be them' and walk in their shoes. But mostly because you could prick what's left of their conscience and "make them" feel bad. But ultimately - because they have a serious mental-health issue. They don't work right. They're on all fronts, Out-Of-Order. Because they ceased to CARE and now cannot/don't wanna. "I sort of get why. I was on a little high getting home that day. I achieved my goal plus got a bit extra I wasn't expecting. She did not like that I was happy." That too. Because that regrows your confidence (Fun is the makeshift antidote to abuse). Plus provides an undeniable comparison then contrast to how you tend to more-constantly-than-not feel around her: Bloody hurt and miserable. "She complained I was gone too long." ((Aww, pee-off. What are you - 5? (Don't answer that.))) Do me a favour: If she does that again, in passing (always in passing), say : "Next time I'll hire you a babysitter" "She accused me of not caring about her being left home alone in this neighbourhood and of putting my Mother first." ((Boo-hoo-hoooo. Maybe you should follow your mother's lead, you big, spoiled baby.) Next time, tell her: I put her first because, although she's by no means perfect - these days, increasingly, you make her look good. (Say these things flatly. No emotion whatsoever. No emotional words, like, Crikey or Bloody. Just flat fact.) Question: why were you in tears? "I told her she was being immature and unreasonable. That her words don't make an ounce of sense. I'd offered for her to come with me. Bring the dogs also. The Residents love seeing our two dogs. I was paying for travel etc so it wasn't going to cost her anything other than her time. She said she 'wanted' to stay home and had things she had 'planned' on doing without me there." Stop explaining to another adult, how the world works, including the things we all learnt (had drummed into us) in ruddy Nursery School! They LOVE it when you explain in detail like that! You're using up the energy you might use later/the next day to defend yourself! Also, it shows you still care too much. (Yes, too much.) "I'd like to chat with you further Soulmate about Mums Birthday if you will indulge me. I don't have any friend to tell what happened." Yeah, that's fine. As long as you can continue being patient as I play serious catch-up. "The day was weird good. The days that followed were not. I've done a lot of crying as a result." We've established she's a narcissist. So why are you crying? That's not a rhetorical question. Do you know specifically, why? I need to know if you can work it out. ...Sit and feel it. What does it feel like those tears are for? Are they you letting go of something? What are you letting go of? "Of course I tried to confide in my adult daughter about what happened and how I was feeling. " WHY did you, DD? How many times are you going to keep banging your head against a brick wall? Just GRIEVE. *Then* dealing with her will be EASY-PEASY and just be natural. Meantime - me, I'm just here to legitimately speed you up. Your little girl and best mate 'has left the building'. "She did say 'why are you crying?' when I got in." Normal reaction from a loving daughter: "Heyyyyyy, Mum - what's wrong, what's happened, heyyy (rushes to hug you, take your shopping bags, whatever)." If you want that back, DD, you're going to have to switch your role, inwardly, where she can't detect it. You, as I say, have to let go. So that you have nothing left to lose or fight for where 'she's' concerned. She uses your emotionality against you. So take it away. Make her deal with YOU. With the ISSUE. Give her no 'extras' to play with and with which to send you down side alleys. Stick to the Jo Frost path. Once she's been consistently well-behaved (because she wants YOU back), then you can tentatively reintroduce those 'choccie drops' and gauge more doling-out or withdrawal, to suit. Also, while I'm at it: Don't say you need to wash her sheets blah-blah. Just - as you walk past - sniff and go UUUUGH...cough-cough and quickly close the door. Once she's reverted to 5-Star Daughter, THEN she can have her 5-Star Mother back. Meanwhile, it's wash yer own beeping bedding, whaddareya - 5? "First returned home. It quickly changed to 'you are so weak and so pathetic'. (TICK - as above) So I didn't discuss the rest with her." GOOD! OKAY - GOOD! (hadn't read ahead). "I just got on with the chores." Phew, thank God for that! WELL DONE!! Okay, you're doing it instinctually now. GOOD. PROGRESS. :) "She did nothing when I was gone. Didn't even take her coffee mug out to the sink." That's because she's a lazy, over-entitled, self-gratuitously bullying pig. Aka narcissistic. And horribly cruel and sadistic (if you're her very mother). Aka Narcissistic-Sociopath (we've come full-circle, look). *Dare you to agree with me and call her that (on here). Or if you want it easier - add '90 percent of the time'. (Dann-dann-daaaaaan....!) Anyhoo! Gold Star for having Walked Away - and that much sooner than before (correct?). "THLLLLLUP!"

PS: I think you can order Ma Cheries from Amazon? And then you can eat them all in front of her, saying, 'No..........And you know why!' (Start saying that a lot, insted of Womansplaining how to tie your shoelaces to a 30-odd-old woman.)

Right - you go now... :) I'll keep catching-up in between. PS: In need, not needy. Diff/all the diff.

Oh, okay - this answers the why-you-were-crying question: "As I mentioned previously post Mums B'Day everything I did for her and gave her was stolen! I was upset at the time. Bawled like a 3 year old. Let's say I was over tired and drained emotionally." That happens again and you come on here and type it out IMMEDIATELY. Bypass Oughta. See how it feels in-comparison.

"I know Mum tortured us as kids. I could spend hours on a psychiatrists couch. I have written it all down in a journal. To face it once and for all. Why? You may remember Soulmate how I began to tell daughter about the emotional and physical abuse. At first she listened and I thought I was getting somewhere. By way of understanding from her. BUT she quickly shut me down when I started up the topic again the next day. Even put her hand up in a STOP sign." Eff-me, SHE IS SO RUDE!

"I offered to explain why I do but she walked away and said if I bring the subject of Nanna up then *she will just keep on leaving the room until I learn.*" She definitely was reading your last thread, look. "The fact that you still dote on this woman and visit her is mind boggling." Only to someone seriously-to-wholly lacking in Empathy. (TICK!) LITERALLY 'only to'. PS: Is that what she's going to be like with you when you get old and infirm, then?

Hello Soulmate, I appreciate all of your responses. I really do. However, right now I'm just not up to responding. I'm going through ALOT. I'm also very ill and struggling with trips to town for tests. I am under tremendous amount of emotional abuse right now. Mostly from the Step Father and I'm literally sick to the pit of my stomach. Doctor says possible ulcer on top of everything else. His anger has increased. I'm a bit weirded out truth be told. I'm taking each day as it comes. However, the weight of everything is taking a toll. I need live support and to communicate with a counsellor one on one and frequently. There is just too much happening every single day for me to be able to keep up. I am NOT coping very well. I'm now receiving mystery packages in the mail that have no codes on them and no return address and no name even as to who is sending them. I've asked the Post Office. They said it is 'odd'. It is messing with my mind and freaking me out. I'm struggling to keep myself calm, logical, sound. Antiseptic wipes. Bandages. Hospital slippers. A 20 x 30cm striped towelling wash cloth. And more. All sent in separate parcels nearly one package a day. It is disturbing. I feel like life is trying to break me, snap me. In a nutshell when I'm enjoying being on the lunatic ward with my Mother and the other Residents for 4 hours and honestly don't want to return home I think it says a lot. Got new neighbours. Had hopes of a change for the better. NOPE. A woman about my age and her adult daughter (ironically). Twice I've smiled at her and said hello (I was given daggers and she whipped her head away). Once I tried to befriend the adult daughter and she actually ran. WTF? The nicest thing I can say is that all their tattoos are spelt correctly. They aren't very neat and clean people in their dress sense and don't wear shoes on their feet. Heaps of smoke and beer smells coming in my kitchen. I know this sounds terribly judgmental and my Great Grandmother smoked and drank morning through night but was the loveliest woman in the World! I just wished for somebody I could relate even slightly to. OH Hell I'd take just a nod or smile at this point. Typing this has already left me exhausted. I wish to Thank you again and wish you a lovely Christmas. Hope you're on the mend after your bout of illness. Cheers for now. Sorry if this was too long winded.

Heya! "I appreciate all of your responses. I really do." I know. "However, right now I'm just not up to responding." That's okay. You'll be processing non-stop at the speed of light so you won't have room for distractions and any new concepts to deal with. "I'm going through ALOT." I know. "I'm also very ill and struggling with trips to town for tests." I've only just started feeling human again today. Feels like weeks and weeks that I've been ill. I've lost count. "I am under tremendous amount of emotional abuse right now." Well said. "Mostly from the Step Father and I'm literally sick to the pit of my stomach. Doctor says possible ulcer on top of everything else. His anger has increased. I'm a bit weirded out truth be told." Then let me remind you again that I warned this 'tightening of the thumb screws' out of rebellion of the new regime, would happen. And (to use the Irish vernacular) so it is. "I'm taking each day as it comes. However, the weight of everything is taking a toll." Yup. I've been there, remember? "I need live support and to communicate with a counsellor one on one and frequently." Can't argue with that. But CAN add: fun. You need more fun. Just...ANYTHING you enjoy doing to pass the time. "There is just too much happening every single day for me to be able to keep up. I am NOT coping very well." No-one does when they're going through another phase of processing really important, really destabilizing, thus urgent-feeling, need-to-know stuff like you are right now. "I'm now receiving mystery packages in the mail that have no codes on them and no return address and no name even as to who is sending them. I've asked the Post Office. They said it is 'odd'. It is messing with my mind and freaking me out. I'm struggling to keep myself calm, logical, sound." "Antiseptic wipes. Bandages. Hospital slippers. A 20 x 30cm striped towelling wash cloth. And more." Hang on - those are HELPFUL things! And are hospital supplies. Someone at the home trying to help you out the only way they can, maybe? "All sent in separate parcels nearly one package a day. It is disturbing. I feel like life is trying to break me, snap me." I repeat: they're helpful thing...obviously from someone who means well. Nearly one package a day, eh? You could sell them online, couldn't you? (PS any bandages? Then you could mummify Oughta in her sleep haha!...that'd keep her quiet....."What's that, dear? - 'Mmm-hmm-hm hm hmph-umph?' No...can't understand a word you're saying, sorry".....(just fantasising, LOL).) "In a nutshell when I'm enjoying being on the lunatic ward with my Mother and the other Residents for 4 hours and honestly don't want to return home I think it says a lot." SAYS EVERYTHING. Who's name is on the tenancy agreement? "Got new neighbours. Had hopes of a change for the better. NOPE. A woman about my age and her adult daughter (ironically)." INTERESTING! "Twice I've smiled at her and said hello (I was given daggers and she whipped her head away). Once I tried to befriend the adult daughter and she actually ran. WTF?" HUH??? Oh, great...more nutters. You really are in the wrong neighbourhood for you, aren't you. I mean, you've got a mouth on you when you're riled/upset, but, really, you're quite a Gentlewoman, aren't you...what we in YUK would call Middle Class? (We won't go by Oughta because all Narc-Spaths constantly behave like repulsive Chavs, even the ones born with a silver spoon in their mouth.) "The nicest thing I can say is that all their tattoos are spelt correctly." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Me......OW! Love it! HAHAHAHAH!!!! That was so bitchy! Ten out of Ten, mate! (See? Venting does make you feel better...because this is becoming a pattern: you say you can't really talk but once you get going, it's apparent that you start feeling better and then suddenly your sense of humour kicks back in.) (More like that, please, Bartender! ...thumbs-up...love bitchy humour. Does you the power of good in your situation, too.) "They aren't very neat and clean people in their dress sense and don't wear shoes on their feet." Er.................. what? "Heaps of smoke and beer smells coming in my kitchen." What about banjo music? (Made myself laugh there! - hope you got it?...ref the Dueling Banjos scene from film Deliverance?) "I know this sounds terribly judgmental" I'll be the judge of that, thanks! ;p (Ha-ha) "and my Great Grandmother smoked and drank morning through night but was the loveliest woman in the World! I just wished for somebody I could relate even slightly to. OH Hell I'd take just a nod or smile at this point." Awwww.... ((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) "Typing this has already left me exhausted." Yeah, I can imagine. Don't worry - it's just a wave; you'll get through it...and the next and the next will bother you less. "I wish to Thank you again and wish you a lovely Christmas. Hope you're on the mend after your bout of illness. Cheers for now. Sorry if this was too long winded." Nope, not long-winded at all. I was going to ask you, actually, whether you'd like to co-run the Alone For Xmas thread with me this year?

"I just wished for somebody I could relate even slightly to. OH Hell I'd take just a nod or smile at this point." What Community Groups do you have in your area? Try to find out online or from your local Council. Maybe you could start one? Share your craze with these high-class dolls and their clothing? PS: As it's really quiet lately (Crimbo preps, no doubt) - do you fancy arranging a live conversation on here? What are you up to late-night tomorrow or Sunday? (Well, late night for me, anyway.)

PPS: "Once I tried to befriend the adult daughter and she actually ran. WTF?" You hadn't forgotten to wipe your face-pack off, had you? :D

Here - see if your brain likes this. I know mine does. :) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49O_cemW8lc

Hi Soulmate, I don't know where to start. Too much to say. We are suffering here. Big time. Sweltering through the most horrific heat waves of our life & super cell storms with funnels. Yesterday and the evening the temps were so high you couldn't breathe. Dogs suffered badly & little ones heart rate went crazy & she was erratic breathing & limp. Raya coping a bit better but extra hard work & care being given to keep them alive. This is horrific weather conditions. We living here are very use to high temps & killer summers. Many oldies pass away. Storms take others. However, yesterday & the night (usually evening reduces by about 1-2 degrees not this time! Increased by about 8 degrees!). NEVER experienced anything like it. Generally we sleep (all 4 of us) on the kitchen tiles with just a pillow under our heads. This time the tiles were hot. You could fry an egg on them. We bought the dogs cooling jackets, cooling mats, cooling pillows. We made them dog friendly & safe ice-blocks. We bathed them in cool water. So much more. As a result of all the extra running around & work. I have been shockingly sick through it all with pain & doubled over. Last night I collapsed from heat stroke in the loungeroom. Badly! Daughter says I was white & speech wasn't coherent and I fell off the side of my chair. Couldn't climb the stairs without help to get to the shower. No exaggeration. This is beyond conditions that humans can live in. Having said that please understand our lives. Others have big houses with air conditioning. Others have ceiling fans. Others book a Hotel room with pools & cooling systems. My Stepfather is sitting in their beautiful house with covered outdoor area that always gets a breeze, air cond, ceiling fans, stand up fans and had the audacity to tell daughter yesterday over the phone how he couldn't cope anymore with this heat. We have 3 x $10 stand up fans with a 30cm circumference. On long leads. Not easy to take from room to room. The dogs have 1 small desk fan each so I can place it on them on the floor. Literally following them around all night to keep moving it as they move. All my money goes on bills, food & dogs needs. There is NEVER enough left over to buy more fans or something better. So that is what is keeping me busy. Extra workload. Extra sick. Extra weak. The Truth of it all!

Other news. My girl has been an Angel. Yep!!!!!!!!!! Much change. I implemented everything. Didn't help (or perhaps it did?) that she read the other site. She has realised there is something VERY WRONG with my health. She has told me 3 times in two days 'Mum I love you are you alright?'. Even phoning to check on me from the shops. I'm unable to walk the distance for groceries. I've been doubled over. I need the hospital but I don't want to leave them alone in these weather conditions and in this neighbourhood. Police out here this morning as I type this. We have joined a 'neighbourhood watch group' just new & set up. The goings on every night are shocking & now day time break ins also. They are taking peoples cards out of letterboxes, they are taking presents from under trees. Even entering whilst people are home (day & night). People can't lock up due to the heat. The Evil that is are even stopping cars in full on traffic in masks with knives and demanding wallets. They are stealing dogs out of yards and selling them through Gumtree. Amongst other things. Needless to say the Police here are proving thoroughly useless. Back to daughter...

OMG! I'd typed it all out & we lost power. It's gone. It was soooo long. She has been an ANGEL. Honest to God the truth.

I can't take the time to type it all out again. I'm sick. Just had diarrhoea & fighting the vomiting. Daughter had read the forum entries. I have been implementing all suggestions. They have worked. She has been 'amazing'. A different person. Loving! Caring! Helpful! Chores etc. Kind words. Cooking. Cleaning. Everything! Many, many days now. Kept up. Like a Christmas Miracle Movie. I'd written every word of our convos out and what she's said & done. IT WOULD MAKE YOU CRY!

We've talked into the night for hours on end. About EVERYTHING. Step Father is our biggest problem right now. She had been getting/taking phone calls with him daily. I refuse. She had been meeting him at the shops. NOW STOPPED! WITH A 'YOU WERE RIGHT MUM'. SHOCKER! He has turned his selfish up two notches. He has turned his hurtful, snide comments up three notches. He lied to her. He lied to the family about her. He back stabbed her. She is not happy with him! We have been informed that he bought himself only a ticket to the Nursing Home Xmas Party (which includes dinner, dessert & a gift). He informed us that all places have already been taken so no chairs at dining table on Mums ward left available for us. Told us he won't be driving us there and back so don't ask. Told us to 'stay at home with your dogs'. He has been confiscating anything & everything I take to Mum on my alone trips once a week to see her. HE is saying I don't care about Mum to staff members & others (such as family friends) through phone calls. He is closely in cahoots with Sister, Aunt & Bro. Phoning them every second day. We are definitely considered Satan & spawn. He is telling Mum that I don't visit her anymore and don't care about her. He is telling the family I fake being sick. Much more games afoot.... Yet....somehow...I feel guilty? It is Christmas. I hate animosity at anytime but right now it feels worse. Up until recently over weeks daughter has told me to cave. Suck up to them all again. Go with him to the Nursing Home (free ride as I'm sick and it is heatwaves being her reasoning). BUT...I WON'T CAVE. I WON'T GIVE IT. I WON'T WAVE A WHITE FLAG. I WILL NOT SURRENDER. I've come too far. I'm happier being semi-free of them all. I've made my stand and I won't crumble. I am a tough nut to crack. It hasn't ever made me popular. But I don't need to be liked. I don't need to be the popular, party girl like my Sister. I need to be respected! I never was. I need to be less stressed, more relaxed and actually have some semblance of twilight years. Some peace in my life. In any approximation. This is what I'm fighting for.

So you mentioned helping out on here for the lonely folk over Christmas. Thank you sincerely for that honour. Me of all people? You sure I'm the right candidate? Remember who I am? Nobody ever talks to me here but yourself. I'm not sure about it. I wouldn't know what to say. I can relate. WE (daughter & myself) have been alone for many Christmases now. Just the two of us. Plus our two dogs. A fold up table, paper plates, a cooked chook & a dessert I make. Gingerbread also. My speciality. I'm quite famous for it. We play board games. We play Xmas music in the background. It is nice. However, over shadowed by a sense of loneliness. Wishful longing and nostalgia for what once was. The beloved ones lost to us now. Those big Christmas Day parties thrown by the two sets of Grandparents when I was a kid. We play it safe. Best be alone in our tiny villa loungeroom the four of us rather than being verbally berated, abused by those that remain living. We've endured some shocking Christmases! Many not fond memories! Santa not coming because us 3 kids have evil blood running through our veins. Mum and Dad a knife chase through the house. More recently Mum going to throw a huge rock at my Raya's head & we ran & stopped her but when my back was turned she threw a bucket of water over a happy lying at rest dog for no reason whatsoever. No presents ever. So we'd give gifts but there was no exchange. Leaving us out of pocket for groceries the next week. Stepfather insulting my meals & dessert contributions I made & took over. Calling me fat. Telling my daughter she is 'ugly' and 'ruins photos in the album'. Also insulting my singing under my breath quietly Christmas Carols. Don't try to sing it is offensive (my name). Other Family member punch ups. Mum snatching and throwing a new computer down the hallway. Mum shaking little kids & throwing them across the room. One 3 years old over a bed and he fell off the other side. So many other Mum stories. If I typed them all my fingers would fall off. SO...we choose life LOL Home alone. As for a live link up Soulmate. What does that entail exactly? I'm a dork with computers and don't like asking my daughter for help. She thinks me stupid enough. I'm a bit shy. I don't wish to commit myself to it due to my health also. I also don't know when I'm going to the Nursing Home. I need to think on this a bit longer. The doll club ladies have seen me once in person at a convention many years back. They are always telling me to talk live with them through the computer. Saying they can see each other & converse. I don't want to. So I never do. I'm not comfortable with it. Anxiety. Nerves. I've an ugly home in the background, I'm not a good looker etc. My place is small so daughter will listen in and over hear. I do care about all the lonely people. Tell me more about what it would entail. If I commit and then get sick or something comes up then I'd feel just awful and I don't wish to let you or the team down.

PS I know you can relate to the heat as Spain got hit badly not so long back PSS I'd enjoy hearing how you spend Christmas (hopefully with your son, family & friends) PSSS Hope you're over that awful bout of illness. I didn't mean to be selfish & go on so much about us. I meant to ask after you. I got called away by daughter with a doggy drama. I wish my SUPER LONG entry hadn't been deleted when power cut out for only minutes. Over heating due to fans no doubt. Happens some times. However, I know you are feeling under the weight of much and my long winded entries get on top of you. Needy me. Sorry. I don't mean to monopolise you or your time. Once you told me to just type it all out and don't worry about length but then I got carried away & it was over whelming. S*it probs doing it again.

OH Dear... My Daughter just phoned from shops and said 'anything you want Mum?'. Brain thinks...ceasar salad, a mango Mouth says...please pick me up a box of liqueur cherries & I'll pay you when you get home This is your fault LOL I HAVE to blame somebody! Only joking.

Jesus! Your weather sounds horrendous! Anyway, I'll catch up properly tomorrow as I've cleared my tray, bar your good self and Lily/Scopes. I had a good day today and I've noticed they're starting to come in pairs, as opposed to last year's one in 3 or 4, but then, I'm going with it more...working around it as best I can (it's Long Covid, as in, yearly visitor triggered by cold air...Northern Europe and UK have got the opposite prob to you at the mo, bar the wind bit, but ours is bitter). PS: don't go OTT by moving the fans to the dogs. It might be that after a while they're waking up cold and moving away. They ain't stupid, they're perfectly capable of shuffling back in-front of them again once they need to, surely?

"This is your fault LOL" Haha...I'm *terrible*, Rhonda! Any road up!... WELL BEEPING DONE. GIANT GOLD STAR (THLUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPP!). And now you're at the potential danger-point. IN CASE it's just another 'break the new regime' tack (better safe than sorry, that's all), DON'T immediately 'fall back into her arms' by way of scrapping the new regime or being so grateful and relieved that you start spoiling her/doing too much, any of that. It has to be SUSTAINED and become a Pervasive Pattern (google) before you'll fall all the way back in-love with her. Possibly not! Depends on how much of a shock regarding your health she's received. But well done Strepfarter for all those attempts IN FRONT OF HER (as well as TO her) to kick you right when daughter finally understood that you actually ARE down and in a serious way. It obviously all brought her up sharp. Fingers seriously crossed. __________________ Don't worry about the live convo now - I'm now out of time for extras (preparing for guests). But it's not LIVE-live. I just mean, we post back and forth more like texting. __________________ (Drums fingers....) Remember and tell me what I explained to you regarding WHY people aren't POSTING ON YOUR THREAD. (They ARE talking to you - whenever you post on theirs. You've even been thanked here and there as well.) Bet everyone's *reading*, though. You've been battling a whole ARMY of monsters at-once and for aaaages! - which is a clue/reminder.) Stop being a banana. PS: I've no idea why Cockneys switched being daft to being a 'nana (Banana)...should go google that, I should - I use it enough! ...Oh! Just did! It's not Cockney - it's Australian! - look!... "If you cast your minds back, you may remember calling the humble banana a nana as a child. Originally an Australian toddler's word, dating back to the 1890s, this is now a very common term. So common in fact, that Australian Bananas uses it as well." The Cockneys obviously adopted it! But I'll bet there were a lot of them shipped to Aus originally. Fact Of The Day, courtesy of Smatey (50p please, absolutely everybody). ____________________ "IT WOULD MAKE YOU CRY!" Well thank god it disappeared, then, hahah! Not in the mood for weeping, I'm in the mood to be zen with a spattering of par-tay! But by GOD it's especially properly cold here today, brrrr... I'm even wondering if there's going to be snow! Last time it snowed in Spain was...certainly over a decade ago...might be 15, trying to remember. PS: I realise it far colder elsewhere but, once you've acclimatised, it becomes relative, ESPECIALLY since you're either hot and sweaty or just sweaty for most of the rest of the year here so the contrast is enormous. Wanna swap? Well, half-and-half swap anyway. I don't want either extreme! Too many extremes in the world. _____________________ Re the Xmas thread: it's not fielding problems or anything, it's an online local-pub-style party of sorts so that the singles and divorcees have a live person or more to chat to and have a giggle with, with Crimbo tipple or liquer in-hand/on-desk. Mind you! If daughter's changed her tune this close to Crimbo, you and she are probably going to have a ball! Just pop in here and there, maybe, if you have time. Sup to yooou. :) Also, with her laying-off you now, your health will start to improve and your neural pathways mend and correctly re-route themselves back to where they should be. PS: Yeah. I know she did. I could tell. I'm the sphookayyy human-anomaly one, remember? Hahahah.

"Mouth says...please pick me up a box of liqueur cherries & I'll pay you when you get home" Well done. Healthfood doesn't have to be boring or saintly. "Everything in moderation" and "A little of what you fancy does you good" (cravings are desperate signals) are still true. And, the more desperate your system is for any special or depleted nutrient, the more it uses up every single little atom, wastes NOTHING. Just cease as much as possible from mixing/eating together high fat content and high sugar (ice-cream, pizza, biscuits/cake); they don't happen in the wild in the one foodstuff/in the one sitting, our bodies can't metabolise them properly so they get shoved in the store cupboard (body fat - usually round the middle and the organs). So don't have a roast lunch followed by pudding. Have pudding 4 hours or more later. Or vice-versa, finish with the savoury. Just keep them apart whenever you can, at every opportunity. And (F-Plan) make everything that is high-cal/fat as speedy at going through your whole digestive tract as fibre, by adding fibre (Apple with your Mars Bar, e.g....CRUNCHY peanut butter, loadsa celery (it's a whole tract-scrubber and hoover, to again speed the journey up once the nutrients have been absorbed)...it gets rushed through with the fibre where there's less time for CALORIES to be absorbed. Tain't Rocket-Science. Can be a side-effect of meds, though. But it'll still work. And, of course, shoot all the Narcs :p... That'll get you shrinking. I call it the Puffer-Fish effect: 'Don't mess with me - I'm big and heavy, look' (it's not a conscious decision however, it's a survival one where the person tends to self-soothe with food ANYWAY). You getting enough Licorice? (Iron) Bassett's Liquorice Allsorts are fab - and they put in one of the best intestinal scrubbers/polishers ever - Coconut - as well (clever!...cos too much iron can constipate you). They clearly read the F-Plan, haha. Try a stick of celery spread liberally along its concave with crunchy peanut butter - and thank me later. :) DELICIOUS! I call them celery boats. You can even glue two sticks together with the peanut butter running through the middle (to keep your hands clean). Damn! I want some now but I haven't got any Celery....

""The nicest thing I can say is that all their tattoos are spelt correctly."" Did you say you liked Ricky Gervaise? That, to me, was very Gervaisey. Or a mix with a whiff of Jimmy Carr. What about Eddie Izzard (in his younger days)....the Hoovering sketch ("hodder-hodder")? And the 'growing up with Wolves' one. Right, got to Hoover the spare rooms now ("Oh, please come back to me, spare rooms, pleeease? - I promise I'll change...!" HAHAHAH!)

"We are definitely considered Satan & spawn." GOOD! BECAUSE IF SOMEONE AS NASTY AS "HIM", RATED YOU, YOU'D BE IN SERIOUS TROUBLE, as in, Call Matron, effing nnnnowwwwww! The more he hates you, the more of a compliment it is. Both "do a Nigella". Not one, single, reactions (yep - Slandering hasn't got him a reaction/response, either :ppp). That way, the spotlights on him as he gets more and more panicked and livid, whereby people who'd normally listen will start to go - 'Well, STEADY ON, MATE?...this isn't some Bond villain or serial-killer we're talking about... You sure you aren't just a little bit obsessed?' (shuffle-shuffle....) Let him POO HIS PANTS in front of EVERYBODY! 'You're wiiii-nnning, you are wii-nnnning' (- my You're Winning song).....

PS: "The doll club ladies have seen me once in person at a convention many years back. They are always telling me to talk live with them through the computer. Saying they can see each other & converse. I don't want to. So I never do. I'm not comfortable with it. Anxiety. Nerves. I've an ugly home in the background, I'm not a good looker etc. My place is small so daughter will listen in and over hear. " What about the Neighbourhood Watch group - are they online? You two could do that together as a 'household'. Just a Suggestive Biscuit..

PP(whatever)S: "Daughter had read the forum entries." Heh-heh. Tee-hee. Oo-er. Ouch. But I greatly look forward to her changing my mind about her for me. :)

HAHA!...you can truthfully tell her you've yourself been through that bit of the cheese-grater with me, already! PMSL!

PS again.. ""Antiseptic wipes. Bandages. Hospital slippers. A 20 x 30cm striped towelling wash cloth. And more."" Somebody at the home, really-really likes you and feels for you. They're risking their job doing that. It might be a case of switching the address of a 'standing order' (maybe these boxes get shipped to their other 'branches'?) to your own. Just one box out of however many tens or hundreds, at-a-time? Dunno...but you're blocked from doing the normally right thing in returning them so... Ebay/Amazon... What's the 'and more'? Finish the list for me? And describe the slippers and wash-cloths? Good quality? What colours? Washable? Those - proper hospital grade - don't sell for peanuts you know. ...More money for Ma Cheries AND mango and-and-and! Or more floor fans. And more ice-cube trays - pref the giant cube ones (and place in a bowl directly BEHIND the fan, not in-front). And a paaar-tri-idge in-a peear treeeeeee! ..Fou-our brawling birds, Three fresh men, Two-oo drunken thugs, And a Ro-hipnol in my Ma-aar-tini.... (London Nightclub at Xmas Version)

"No presents ever. So we'd give gifts but there was no exchange. Leaving us out of pocket for groceries the next week." Okay, so here's a prime example in hindsight of WHY - or at least one of the reasons behind why daughter got more and more and more angry and resentful at you, yes? As in - why are you feeding our food - MY food - giving away OUR MONEY - to a bunch of aholes? (It's called F.O.G., luvvie)

And it's why YOU, DD, feel guilty. THEY don't care?! They're not SAD. They're just outraged for being defied by their emotional slaves and psychological toys and contrived sourced of drama and-and-.... nothing normal. So don't give the normal reaction, don't waste your precious - AND IT IS PRECIOUS RIGHT NOW - energy. Again, it's called F.O.G. When you get a minute, look up all the press articles in order re Nigella Lawson (yeahhh!) v Charles Saatchi (bleugh). She handled it like a Queen (healthy one). Said NOTHING. She stuck fast to the ploy that suited her and would work and didn't break from it. For months and months and months and months.... She did not add her poo next to his poo on the public stage whereby he could/would swiftly shift the spotlight over onto it, leaving his own, unnoticed/forgotten in the shade. She left him do all the pooing with the spotlight completely on HIM... aaaand it didn't take long for people to start realising - this geezer's completely obsesssed!.... maaaaaad!...AND REAAALLLY HORRID! You've just got to be consistent in whichever ploy you choose, is the point. Which you have! Aren't you pleased for-once that you're so 'stubborn'? It's called Tenacious. :) And it takes deliberate STRENGTH. Which is why they - the Runts - consistently tried to keep you - the sole fine specimen - DOWN. (They couldn't have that staying power under-fire. NO WAY. Which is how they turned narcie and you didn't. BOOM!) Methinks the person at the home, listening to his ridiculous slander as went against everything they'd for-too-long seen (loving, HEALTHY - if injured/brused - daughter) thought - this geezer's REALLY, REALLY...HORRID. So did the only thing they could. Orr maybe they had permission from management and just made it anonymous so you COULDN'T over-modestly refuse it (like you would have, be honest) and to save you from feeling like a charity case? It's not charity - it's sympathy and you've earned it. You've even helped keep whatsherface bed-neighbour happy (sorry, I'm crap with names and too busy to search up there at the mo) - which can only make their job easier. See? Earned it. "E-bay! E-bay! E-Bay!....." :)

You're not going to be alone for much longer. Not once you're slime-free. Then you'll smell NICE to the normals, but horrid to the Narcs. Sssow it works, innit.

You'd have done that, wouldn't you...sent a dosh parcel. See? There are many more of You out there and not that far away. Some just aren't as brave as you (yet).

PS been meaning to ask: Is Barbra Streisand Barbara Streisand's twin sister or something? (*ducks and runs*)

Good grief - I missed this! "This person was definitely expecting a reaction from you This person was expecting an emotional outburst from you what they didn't expect was your silence This person expected a big reaction something to feed the chaos that follows them The person made a terrible mistake by projecting their issues onto you You made a choice for silence and peace This person wrongly thought your silence as a sign of weakness This person underestimated your kindness for weakness This person didn't expect you to stand your ground You stood your ground and it has thrown them for a loop You are showing them that their actions are irrelevant You have become a mirror for this person to face themselves in You made the decision to respect your peace rather than engage The person doesn't deserve your time Your strength is currently haunting them more than anything you could have said or done You were right not to engage with this person who doesn't deserve any of your energy The person was battling their own demons and was projecting this onto you You know who this is because they constantly picked fights with you Picking fights over the littlest things The person is only now realising the weight of what they have done This person is panicking over you right now They thought that you'd be running back to them by now This person really underestimated you They treated you poorly and you showed them your strength This persons intention was to prove themselves right by getting a reaction from you This person wanted to get under your skin This person believed they would win by you losing it with them This person failed because you left the situation rather than engaging with them Do not think your silence and disconnect means you are weak I am giving you confirmation that you've made the correct choice You've truly shown them your strength I reiterate the person is not worthy of any response from you I reiterate you made the right choice The person thought they'd have won The person was expecting to have won This person is now realising they made a big mistake! It is time this person faces themselves" WOWWWWWW! Free? Good God - they're brilliant at it! Not silly AT ALL! Spot!...ON! What date was it? I'll scroll up... 21st Nov, while I was illest (is that a word?). ________________________________________________ Missed this too: "At 15 her male Aussie but Japanese teacher phoned and offered to take her to Japan with him. He thought it would be great for her. He said she'd need about $1000AUD for costs. He was a family man (father of 4) was very friendly, kind & spoke to me on the phone often. Said he was greatly impressed with her academic level. I trusted him to a degree. Realistically he was a virtual stranger asking to escort my daughter half way around the world. I didn't have the money. I was fearful sending her unchaperoned away so young. She'd never spent one night away from me. She flipped out when I said 'no'. She kept on at me. I asked the opinion of her Grandparents and Great Grandparents. All agreed she was not worldly enough and way too young to travel alone with a male teacher. She threw a temper tantrum. Insisted they pay for her to go & extra for me to go with her. Her Grandparents said we'll make you a deal. You have two more years of high school to go. Get the top award for year 11 & year 12 and then at 17 years of age nearly 18 we'll let you go on the trip with Mr Maths (as he goes annually). She harped on & on. She cried. She was angry. She said 'that is a breeze as I've always gotten the awards and I don't see what difference two years will make'. As usual living with her when she didn't get her way was a nightmare for me and she didn't let up mentioning it for about six months. Halfway through year 11 she quit Japanese. Said she didn't want to do that subject anymore. Male Teacher fought her on quitting. She said she wanted to do Mythology and Gemmology instead. She did do the Gemmology. So today she hangs up the phone...yelling at me...everything is my fault! Quote 'I'm a cowardly, piece of shit Mother, no guts, no gumption, no gall. I'm a pathetic human being. I never came through on the deal for Japan'. I went to the laundry to escape her tirade. She followed and persisted. Quote 'I'm pathetic, I'm a loser...blah...blah... it went on & on. I could see she was holding back tears. Initially I tried to sympathise and say I understood how she felt but this made her more angry. The accusations were flying. The insults kept right on coming. she became her usual 'hard to love or like Monster'. I admit to calmly saying words I probably should not have said. I lost my temper without yelling. I know what I said was wrong but I'm soooo sick of her! She is a 32 year old baby. I'm so over it! I said good things come to nice people and that her personality sucks so nothing will ever change. I left the room. Now she is not talking to me. Mother of the Year!" YES, actually! YES, Mother Of The Year! I'd just got through that first paragraph and said out-loud - WHEUUUUUR!....DODGED A MASSIVE BULLET OR WHAT! DD, that was so suspiciously inappropriate! NO 15-year-old girl is allowed to be alone hundreds of miles away under the complete control of a grown male - f*ckadoodle, mate?! SHE SHOULD BE THANKING YOU! I'll bet you anything you like that the reason she lost interest in Japanese is because once he realised you were too strong and functional as a mother (NOT prepared to send your daughter away to a dangerous situation just to get some kid-free time ffs, unlike her poor cousins horrid parents!) - HE LOST INTEREST IN *HER*. GET ME? Phoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Print this page out and show daughter. (OMG - can you imagine?) You've never done ANYTHING wrong. You've just been told over-repeatedly that you do wrong and treated like it (brainwashing)! I am SHOCKED. And to be perfectly honest - 15 is a bit old to be that naiive (despite I know why the delayed maturing). Spoiling her FUN? (Define fun, darlin.) Woah. That would have actually broken her, DD. There's nothing wrong with you nor ever was. You're the Fine Specimen - outnumbered by runts. END OF.

And she beeping needed to hear this - so well done for that and for saying it matter-of-factly because it was the stark, raving truth! "I said good things come to nice people and that her personality sucks so nothing will ever change. I left the room." And that was a very succinct, very well-put truth as well. It's not her personality though because that offers you some of her food, etc. It's her attitude and behaviour (the completely unwarranted resentment). WHAT NON-SUSPICIOUS, GROWN MAN IN A POSITION OF POWER AND RESPONSIBILITY WOULD EVER.....*EVER*....MAKE THAT OFFER TO A YOUNG, CLEARLY UNWORLDLY-WISE *GIRL*. Young, CLEARLY TROUBLED, THUS VULNERABLE *girl*. A normal healthy would steer clear, even if he DID want to genuinely help. Because the very suggestion is WHAT PAEDOS DO! A normal-healthy wouldn't WANT to be seen alone with a 15-yr-old girl! Or the seriously stupid - and who wants their one-and-only precious baby in the hands of someone who's meant to be one of her protectors yet is that much of a special kind of stupid?! OMG. Fckn Guilty! He primed her using a presentation of surrogate Fatherhood. OMG...punished for so long for doing the RIGHT thing, the HEALTHY thing, the FUNCTIONAL thing (and just not ACTUAL Saint enough never to lose it when pushed further than far and retaliate/self-defend). All because Strepfarter does sh*t like rubbing her face in what in actual fact is merely AN ILLUSION laid atop of an act of PARENTAL DYSFUNCTION! I wouldn't have let my son do that even as old as at Uni. ("What's this weird and creepy proposal of yours towards my son, Fella?"....*blows whistle*....Nee-Naw-Nee-Naw...). I feel like saying more but I don't know what it is.... just - BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH.

Ohhh, write a beeping book, DD. You've got a Trilogy here! Or an Aus Wild Swans. Here - instead of Wolf Creek, you could call it - Creaky Wolves! HAHA! Or - My Family & Other Dangerous Animals. God. Outside of the town and cities, Australia's a really dangerous place, isn't it. As it's huuuuuuge, meaning, you could say - where in Aus are you? I keep thinking Adelaide but I don't know why. You ever seen a Tarantula or Black Widow or, what's the other? - a Funnelweb? Any other Steve Irwin type encounters? PS: Strepfarter is really-really monstrously vindictive, antagonistic and sadistic, isn't he. Oh god, your poor Mother....

Shame you didn't think to tape him. I would have. And would have straight away called Social Services in order to get a disgusting madman like him/it, BANNED from visiting MY...mother, MY...blood-relative, my LEGITIMATE Kin (trumped, monstrous matey!). And all you'd have to do would be, play that to them. Nuff. Said. TOO characteristic. No wonder he sent your mother half-mad. (Is she still getting more lucid?) Be ready next time. Start collecting evidence. You and daughter.

No, actually - silly suggestion - don't print it out (my shock said that). Just say you had a conversaton about it with someonoe (another Home visitor or something) and they fell off their chair because they could quite plainly see for themselves that you saved her from GOD KNOWS WHAT! Complete and utter control over her, miles and miles from anyone and anthing she knew, COERCE-ABLE TO UGGERY, THEREFORE, no matter how iffy the requests/suggestions/demands....uh-fuh-fuhf-fuh-fuuuuuhf. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Here are words you will rarely hear spoken from my lips... I'm actually Happy! I'm really ill and in pain but I won't allow that to steal my joy. I feel different. I feel freer, stronger and more independent. It took a year and 2 months to learn my lesson but now that I have I won't look back. Regardless of how even more difficult it is getting. Regardless of the Haters. I will endure. I will prevail. I have to. It literally became a matter of life or death. Quite surprisingly I chose 'life'. My Daughter is being wonderful. No joke. No exaggeration! YES...I both read and absorbed your words! I will not back down nor get carried away on this 'high'. I'm not fool enough not to know how that phase is most likely going to be a temporary thing. Can't mend years in just weeks. Reality bites. However, she is being 'Darling'. OMG I've missed her. Even though she's been right here the whole time under my nose. Today was interesting...

The Stepfather rang Daughter (he's FINALLY quit the daily phone calls to me). I ignored ALL and never answered for two weeks straight. It was tough going. My conscience pinched me. I persevered. Success in the end. Unfortunately Daughter is now his main audience and target. He spoke excitedly like a child. I could hear the echo of his booming voice from across the room. He'd been delivered a big box with a surprise inside. It did not display a sender nor a return address. He was laughing saying A Mysterious Admirer. Daughter convinced him to undo it & see if inside the box was a note or invoice saying who had sent it also she said was curious to know what was inside. Git rang back. It was a really big Christmas Hamper. It had the price on it. Over $100AUD. He was thrilled because he could see it was filled with goodies. Nice food & treats that he'd never splurge to buy himself. Still oddly no evidence of who had sent it inside the box. (OH while I remember...I'm a Queenslander. Yes! seen most of the scary creepy crawlies such as a funnel webs, brown snake, sharks and crocodiles. Short Train ride to Steve Irwins 'Australia Zoo' and we've been several times over. Met the family when Bindi was just 4 years old. Took my animal crazy kid. Steve was such a bogan but a really friendly bloke. We did a trip there again about six months after he'd passed away to support the zoo which had started to take a slide). Obviously the Zoo picked up again after the shock of losing Steve subsided). Anyways, back to hamper. Git phoned back a few hours later and said this to my daughter... 'I went through the basket and it is wonderful. There is so much fancy stuff in it. More than I could ever eat. I discovered who sent it to me. It was your Aunt. She thought it would be fun to send it as a Secret Santa to me. I just talked to her on the phone about your Grandmother and I mentioned the Hamper. She confessed to it. I'm to tell you that you're not to have anything out of the basket and nor is your Mother. Your Aunt told me not to give either of you a thing from it as you don't deserve to get anything. She spent a lot of money on it for me alone and I will abide by her wishes. You're not getting a thing from it ok? got it? Have I made myself clear?'. Daughter said 'um...I don't know why you're telling me this or why you'd think we'd want anything from your Hamper. I don't eat that kind of stuff and Mum has diabetes. No need for any explanation (his name) just enjoy it'. When she hung up the phone she turned to me and said 'did you hear him?' I said 'yes'. Daughter said 'I can't believe he said that what an a*sehole'.

Later in the day. I took myself to see Mum. Whilst gone Git phoned daughter twice more. She hit me with the news the moment I got in. She wasn't happy. It seems during his first phone call he gave her a hard time firing questions at her about quote 'what exactly is wrong with her Mother?' (ME). She said 'nothing is wrong with her'. He apparently went on & on about why am I behaving the way I am such as thinking I have the right to go see Clare by myself without him and what am I up to? She said she played coy. Pretended she hadn't a clue what he meant. Fobbed him off. Placated him and changed the topic and was relieved when his demanding tone subsided. She said she felt she'd handled him well and side lined him. HOWEVER... He further stewed on it and rang back again! This time he was according to her... WAY MORE FIERCE AND FORCEFUL. She said he was REALLY angry in his tone. Demanded she answer his questions properly. Told her I was being a fool. Told her I was trouble causing. Asked her just what I talk to my Mother about when he isn't present. She said he went on & on. She said I dodged it for the most part Mum because he was raving and not stopping to take a breath so I didn't need to respond as I couldn't get a word in edgeways. She said she decided to pepper him with rhetorical questions back rather than give him directive answers which he could further press her on. She answered his questions with questions. Like he said 'why does she go alone I demand to know'. She responded with 'why wouldn't she go alone to visit her Mother?'. He apparently said 'why doesn't she come with me anymore'. She said 'why does it bother you because she likes to visit Nanna alone?' She said he was sighing loudly literally exhaling and letting out air. He said 'what do they talk about when I'm not there' She said 'I'd have to be a fly on the wall to know that wouldn't I'. It went on and on. She said 'I let him get no answers out of me whatsoever but I'm angry'. I said 'ok thanks for sharing that information what is behind your anger?'. She said 'you have created this situation Mum which negatively impacts me. It isn't fair. I tried to stay neutral and pander to him for months because I want a piece of the pie one day. I've been in this for the long haul not like the other cousins. I've tolerated their combined crap for years. The only way I'll ever inherit any money is if you get some'. 'You cut him out of our lives sending him straight to your Brother. The two male egos are puffing out their chests saying the women in this family are all nuts. I could have played git for a sucker for years. You ruined it all with taking this stand. You Mum need to realise that your decisions ultimately impact me and my life. What is done is done. You've cost us any chance of any money now when Nanna dies. Sorry Mum but you're a fool. Your pride has cost us what is rightfully ours. Nanna's Will is done and dusted. The Great Grandparents promised money left with Nanna is now in Gits hands'. I said 'I'm sorry you feel that way but I will always do what I consider to be right. I've been poor my whole life, I'm use to the struggle, the scrimping and eating cereal to pay the bills. What I never will accept nor allow is anybody to continue to walk all over me, boss me around, call me names or use me as their buffer or scape goat. I'm not his nor anybody's punching bag and I have a limit as to what I will or won't tolerate from family members. I will give help and love to those who treat me with consideration and kindness. From now on I don't answer to anybody other than my own conscience and God if he is real. I will not blacken my Soul for any amount of money. No amount of money is worth surrendering my self respect. I've taken too much s_it for way longer than I should have and I've been put through enough s_hit. You are right when you say it is over and ended. Through the help and support of decent human beings who happen to also be Professionals my eyes are now wide open to just what I've tolerated for way too long. I let you all treat me badly. I am capable of great love. I will give that love only to those who treat me right. I cut off my bad brother. I cut off my bad Sister. I handled my bad Mother and she has apologised profusely and I've forgiven her. I have cut off my bad step father and my busy-body, judgmental Aunt. You've seen now how strong I can be. Best you keep that in mind (her name). I left the room. About 5 minutes later she walked up behind me in the kitchen and hugged me and said 'I love you Mum'.

Have I said too much? Did I go too far? Was I too forceful or too harsh? I really don't know how to be a Mother. It is so difficult. It just all blurted out of me in a flurry. I was tired. I'm always emotionally drained after 4 hours at the Nursing Home and the long travel time there and back. She hit me with all this before I'd even put my handbag down. The very moment I walked through the door key still in hand. Was I too harsh? I think it has gone over alright with her? Why? Because she played a silly joke on me later and it was funny. We both laughed until I wet my pants.

To be completely truthful that baby girl had me over a barrel from the moment she first held my little finger in the hospital theatre. I vividly remember how I whispered to her 'it is just you and me kid against the World'. I'd do anything for her from the moment when she first smiled at me. I have always been her captive. Finally I had somebody to love whom I hoped upon hope would love me back. I can hear you sighing at me. You're right. That is where and when I went wrong. Right from the start. I won't lose her. I'm learning.

Hello again Soulmate, Just was thinking of you as I went about my morning chores. Worried about how you're struggling with long covid. Hoping you have a really good Doctor that you trust and can rely upon. It has really put you through a difficult time. It has to be exceedingly hard to recover when the weather is freezing cold. I can't even imagine it. How does one recover when the temperature has you breathing in icy, cold air? I can imagine how you are running about preparing and 'Hoovering' for Christmas Guests. You do however need to set aside some time to rest and relax. Remember you don't always have to be the strong one. Hoping each new day finds you steadier, stronger and better. Answering all my long winded messages during the peak of your illness was very kind of you. In case nobody has told you today...YOU really are amazing. My Christmas Wish for you is that each new day brings you closer to a full recovery HUG!

Hi Soulmate, you probably won't see this or read it for days. Just wanted to let you know that things have turned for the worse for me. Tomorrow I'm going to the Hospital for Four invasive tests. I'm fasting tonight. I was happy. Tried to be. Gave it my best shot. Just got the longest abusive message from my Brother & Sister in Law regarding Mum and telling me what I should & should not be doing. In full support of Step Father. I burst into tears after reading the long email. Daughter screws up her face at me and says well what did you expect they are right. (She hasn't read it. Hasn't a clue what it says.) I asked her what do you mean? She said 'take one look at you Mum. You're a washed up mess. You come across as a total loser who can't handle anything. Git thinks it. My Aunty thinks it. Your Aunty thinks it. It just makes sense that your Brother and Sister in Law think it to. Hell I think it. Pull yourself together and handle things. You're pathetic.' I'm speechless. I'm devastated. Tomorrow is Friday the 13th here. I'm hoping for the words 'it is Cancer' from the Doctors. It is the ONLY way I will ever be FREE. Things are so out of control and it seems like the harder I try the worse they become. That free psychic actually contacted me today. Said she had a message for me from my Guardian Angel regarding my Mother from the Grandparents on the other side. It was all mind blowing. Very weird. This out of the blue today. Then this email this evening. Yeah...I'm done. There really is no point in trying to be happy. The moment I feel it something happens to wipe it away. This daughter has just left me numb. I'm staring at a stranger. Somebody I won't ever really know, be able to relate to nor understand. I no longer serve a purpose on this earth. I really want it over. No more bullshit that it can turn around. It can't. Not while this mob of ar*eh*oles exist. I'm out numbered. I'm alone. I fool myself into thinking I have a daughter who cares for me & loves me. It isn't the truth. I am delusional. I kid myself my Mum loves me. Delusional. I kid myself my Sister cares deep down inside. Delusional. I'm an Island.

I think my Father put it best as he was walking out the door and out of my life in 1977. Abandoning me. Leaving me behind with this lot. I'd been his favourite. I'd always defended him when the others were rather mean towards him. Yep...he had a bad temper and he sure enjoyed using his brute strength but luckily not on me. I got the odd spank. Of course he'd been yelling at my Mother as he gathered up his belongings. He turned looking directly at me with loathing in his eyes because I stood there steadfast on the spot alongside my Mother (I was 11). He was my favourite. However, I knew that if I stood there he wouldn't hit her in front of me. I held some sway. He pointed his finger at me and shouted 'as for that one she's a candle in the wind and never knows who to cling to when the rain sets in'. He can thank Elton John for the words. I didn't comprehend his meaning that day. However I felt his wrath and disappointment in me. He was right though.

According to that psychic today my heart chakra is black. I've shut a door on my soul. Yep...no shit sherlock!

I will convince myself that daughter is just mad at me today because I yelled at her puppy. For two years I slept on a short 2 seater sofa to be able to buy my double bed with mattress. It is relatively new. I love getting into it. It is something I waited a long time to acquire. I stripped my bed today to do the linen and quick as lightening the little turd jumped up and did the biggest pee right through in the centre of my newish bed. It was a huge puddle. She had clearly held it a long time. I'd let her out 4 times this morning. Raya peed on the grass every single time but not that bloody puppy. Yep...daughter the dog whisperer was sleeping until 3pm again. I'd minded puppy for over 8 hours. Sure as heck that thing can spin when told, dance on hind legs but woah betide it pee in the yard. Lucky me! Extra housework. Just what I was longing for. Even a creature the size of a shoebox has it in for me.

Hey! Just updating as you are the closest thing to a friend I have. Yesterday afternoon the Radiologist phoned in tizzy and then my GP. Demanding I come straight in. Nope. Been through enough for the day. Besides I had my four different scans today. They couldn't get a vein so that was fun. Both arms are black & blue. My veins collapsed each time they tried to put a cannula in and then they couldn't get the iodine through as the veins kept shutting off they said. Such is life. So yep...I have breast cancer. Doc & Radiographer demanding immediate treatment. Want to start in 24 hours. But I've said 'no'. I am neither surprised nor upset. Saw it coming. Had ages to get my head around the fact that something has been terribly wrong in my system. Just waited for them to catch up & give the diagnosis/verdict. I left early for the tests this morning. Daughter annoyed I woke her up to tend to Raya. My phone getting non stop pings from Step Farter then a text message demanding I call now he has something to say after speaking to my Brother. Then whilst getting my first scans in the tunnel he sent that this medical stuff I'm doing is fake, not real, excuses not see my Mother. I read the text between procedures. Finally when all tests were complete and I saw the looks on their faces analysing the exrays, ultra sounds and tunnel scans (can't remember what they are called?) I knew it was going to be a negative outcome. Phoned daughter to check on Raya, Herself & puppy and to tell her I was out and to tell her I have breast cancer and they want to start treatment tomorrow. I had not yet emptied the 1ltr out of my bladder or cleaned off the blood coming out of my arm nor the scan gel etc. Rang as I entered the public toilets in a Myer. She was snappy, she was rude. I didn't get a word in edgeways. She was mad at Raya. Raya has a bad attitude apparently. Raya cried at the window when I left, then hid behind some boxes and wouldn't come out. When daughter went over and demand she come out well Raya Growled loudly at her and curled her lip. So I listened to a 5min lecture on how I've failed as a dog owner. Said listen I'm busting and I rang to tell you about my test results and how it went. She said 'you are sooooo bloody selfish. Everything is about you. I have bigger problems puppy has a rash from rolling in the grass, it could be serious, then she proceeded to talk without taking a breath for 5 mins about her phone convo with the vet. I interrupted her on purpose as my bladder was about to explode. I said sorry about the dog but I'm sure she'll be fine. There are others waiting for the toilet cubicles and your voice is echoing off the marble walls. I thought you might like to know that I have breast cancer and that they wish to start treatment tomorrow and that my GP will be phoning you with the time as she didn't know whether my four scans would be finished yet and didn't wish to interrupt the Radiation Centre. Daughter lost it at me. 'OH MY GOD you won't even give me the time or listen to me about puppy. She could lose her fur. It can infect her system. I have to get her to the vets pronto blah...blah... it went on...I HUNG UP! She rang back about half an hour later and said'finished being selfish & rude yet? U shoud apologise for hanging up on me. Anyway, I got puppy an appointment for tomorrow and she told me what to bath her in until then to stop the itching. Meanwhile bloody stepfarter has rung me twice and been super rude about you. So YOU can handle HIM when you get home. I'm not going to do your dirty work for you. He said a lot of derogatory stuff. Very bad actually about you and then had a dig at me. You'll be interested to know that he says you're faking medical stuff for attention and using it as an excuse to get out of visiting Nanna. I didn't care to fight your battles for you so I said whatever and off he went. Where are you? I said I am now on the bus. She said pick up something for lunch would you. Hurry home don't go shopping anywhere else. Raya is being a pain in the butt. She is whining. When I got in daughter once again regaled me with puppies skin dilemma from the moment I walked through the door. Nothing about me was said. She ate the food. She said 'you woke me too early this morning so I'm off to bed bye'. She is still there now as I type this. Why would I try to fight this breast cancer? What for? Raya is the only thing I care about. I'm frankly over all others including my self centred daughter. I know the dog can be won over with treats and bones and games. Seen it happen before. Besides don't want to live through losing her one day. Mum and this Nursing Home saga could go on for years. Dealing with an awful man whom I didn't choose but my Mother did (git) & she allowed him to take everything away from herself & us. Lest I forget her behaviour nor Gits at the Tribunal Meeting. When I saw her day before yesterday I said 'Mum they think I may have breast cancer'. She said 'oh well we all get things (my name)'. So I am done. I'm not shocked. I'm not scared. I think it is a fitting end to a shit life. My Christmas Gift is a little different this year. What I don't want is false sympathy from any family member and sudden caring to ease their own guilty conscience. They will not visit nor phone me to balm their guilt for the treatment and neglect of a life time. If I die I'm going to haunt the fuck out of all of them. This I look forward to. Heaven can wait. Hell is more my style.

DD, I'm gobsmacked. Too gobsmacked to string a whole post together...plus I've got too much I want to know/ask so I don't even know where to start. So god only knows how YOU feel! What Stage? What I can say, from a philosophical standpoint, is this: if you who's done nothing wrong, just your best under frankly nigh-on impossible circumstances, do die from this then I will see it that I have had my theories confirmed about what so-called death is: more than one thing/one meaning and purpose: Very basically...that, some people 'die' because they've so far failed so badly (or missed their boat, through no fault of their own) that they need to be sent around the Earthly block again from scratch (Recycled); some because they're too good for this place/have been talent spotted from 'on high' and are being plucked off and relocated as an existential promotion (e.g. what we call Heaven). (This latter purpose aligns with my overall suspicion that life on Earth is an 'army-training' centre replete with obstacle courses, and that, if you seem to be (your perception) unlucky enough to have a far harder time in life than others who seem to have it easy, it's simply because you're unaware that your obstacle course is for Officer training, hence, of course it's harder. Makes sense of a lot, huh?) Another would be punishment/a lesson and/or removal for the rest of the world's sake. And then there's removal, as in, being rescued (and either promoted or given another life). And finally, there's an even harder obstacle course as one's final challenge/test. I know it can't be the punishment/lesson one because you're literally an undeserving victim who's just been trying to get on with minding her own business, so - any of the other hypothetical reasons. One thing I have noticed is that god/fate whatever, doesn't ever give anyone more than they can handle and get through. While I get my head around this, however, I'll tell you the one thing you probably need to know above all else: Whichever course you're on - I'm still not going anywhere. So you can count on me. The entire way. Hope that reassurance provides some comfort? :X I think son and I are in and taking it easy tomorrow (today) so I imagine I'll get the opportunity to post. PS: I'm more gobsmacked and speechless at your daughter's 'reaction', actually. I don't know whether it's because her ears were closed or whether she ignored you because her mind just couldn't entertain it? Or whether she needs serious psychiatric attention. Just - what the beeping beep...?!??

Oh wait - another thing you need to know/understand: they're being suddenly, proactively, extra-nasty precisely BECAUSE you've been getting the better of them (showing them your mental muscles) whereby it's 'made' their need their secret emotional toilet and punching-bag even more than ever. As they see it: if they can still upset you, they still have influence and control over you or you're re-capture-able. I.e. they're seeking (warped) reassurance that they're still powerful up against a Normal-Healthy Empath (their mirror and nemesis). I.e. you're REALLY winning, now, and so they're desperate not to 'lose' Convenient You, their 'coping mechanism' and only way to emotionally 'process'. I'll let other victims explain the details (from Quora: "Why is the Narcissist so angry after months of No Contact?") _________________________________________________ Alex · Follow NPD/BPD knowledge/experiences.Updated 3y So you have been no contact for months? If this is the case, I am wondering how you know that the narcissist is angry…? Perhaps the situation is a bit more complicated than your question suggests. Anyway, it is common for narcissists to come/go, come/go, come/go (if you allow it.) Some may never want to be ENTIRELY DONE with a source of supply. They just want you when they want you, lol. When you accept a narcissist back into your life, you are simply feeding the narcissistic delusion. I am so good, so wanted that I can come and go as I please. When you went no contact, you snatched away the narcissist’s illusion of power/control. You triggered his/her deeply rooted feelings of inadequacy, the wounds of his/her childhood. The narcissist wants to be in control of the ending, wants to go out on his/her terms (once again, the narcissist may pop back up in the future if he/she has a need, is running low on some form of supply, etc.) Could be attention. Could be sex. Could be money. Could be anything, lol. This is how it is supposed to go: He/she ultimately rejects you. You beg and plead for him/her. He/she gets to feel wanted, powerful, in control…can either pour more salt on the wound (and further reject you) or accept you back. The narcissist may thoroughly enjoy your begging and pleading, as this will make him/her feel wanted (and some are actually quite desperate to feel wanted, as their childhoods may have left them feeling utterly rejected.) Some will even sometimes try to elicit a jealous reaction, just so they can then feel wanted. Maybe the narcissist was abandoned, ignored, abused by a primary caregiver, by those who he/she depended on. Maybe the narcissist was brutally bullied throughout his/her childhood. I have yet to encounter a personality-disordered human being who did not have a painful childhood… …but some narcissists may have been over-valued, over-praised, instilled with unrealistic self-beliefs, etc. Still, this can be painful because it requires you to disown parts of your true self in order to be approved of and accepted, may cause you to feel shame for not consistently measuring up… …for knowing that you cannot consistently measure up to an “idealized” image. Imagine the pressure, having to abandon yourself just to be provided with some sense of security, to avoid harsh criticism and rejection, in an attempt to have your emotional needs (i.e. positive attention, healthy praise, acceptance) met. The consequences of being deprived of emotional safety, not having your emotional needs met during your childhood are far-reaching. Insecure attachment, interpersonal dysfunction, inability to support yourself emotionally… …the inability to function healthily in romantic relationships, low self-esteem, neuroticism, emptiness, an intense fear of vulnerability and abandonment, the inability to accept and provide love, etc. The narcissist seeks to “fix” his/her childhood through others. How dare you fuck up the script! How dare you shatter the narcissistic delusion! When you are “on the line,” the narcissist has access to you, will attempt to use you for supply (i.e. sex, money, praise, feelings of power/superiority, etc.) Supply sources unknowingly feed the false self, keep the narcissistic delusion alive. You are in a great position. Let the narcissist sit in anger. Never let him/her in again. _________________________________________________ John Grant · Follow 3y I think we all know the answer to this question. How dare you have the affront to ignore the most perfect person in the universe. How dare you deprive them from having complete control over such a lesser being as you. How dare you think for one second you can survive without them for even a few days. How dare you deney them their complete .emotional hold over you. Their pathetic distributional sense of distorted grandeur will crumble like a truck running over an egg shell. Be brave, go no contact, do you really want to be a glutton for punishment. You do not need these souless lost and marooned people in your world. Get yourself a real kind and compassionate persin to love that totally appreciates you God bless. _________________________________________________ Toni Wisniewski · Follow 3y Because you are no longer under their control and they can no longer use you for whatever suits them. If no contact and staying away is where you are at, I would just continue that path and block any means of communication they try to have with you. Let them be mad. It isn't for anything more than not being able to manipulate you, so they will throw a tantrum like a child. You know how they really feel, they have shown you time and again, otherwise you wouldn't be so sure they were in fact a narcissist. You made the choice to go no contact for a reason, so just remember that as time passes and the less and less they can access you the sooner they will move on to someone else. _________________________________________________ ((DD, as you can see: you have GOT to block them now. They're insane AND evil and literally have been slow-killing you. Let's you and I, together as a team, arrest and reverse that rot. No mentally ill, all-the-way-to-evil, DWEEBS are going to get the better of you/us. The GOOD news is: if you're genuinely ill (which they'll have to believe and accept at some point), then you're "ugh - NEEDY!" and you're unlikely to see them for-dust anyway...bar those that want to speed you up as in finish you off - but that's where Blocking comes in.)) _________________________________________________ Angelo Droz · Follow Lives in Scranton, Pennsylvania (2002–present)3y Remind yourself that narcissist are not normal people they have a disorder and they are very complex’s . Narcissist hates when they see their victims stand up to themselves cause they finally realize who the narcissist really are. It doesn’t matter if you went months or years of no contact, the narcissist will always try to Hoover you and if that didn’t work they get upset because you’re not falling in their false image and lies anymore. Don’t be too concern about the narcissist feelings of anger against you, they definitely didn’t care about yours. In the meantime hold on to your ground of no contact and establish strong boundaries. Keep educating yourself about Narcissism and it’s traits to avoid being a victim again. Stay strong and positive and never give up… I do wish you well ___________________________________________________ More if you want them - I'll continue tomorrow. But read that line again about how you've been showing them that *they're* the Runts. That means topping their lifelong House of Cards... Majorly popping their Go Anywhere 'oxygen tents' (their massive bubbles of gross and childish self-delusion). So in essential effect, this is them trying to save what little 'lives' they have (by not crumpling into Nervous Breakdown). In effect, it's You or Them. Understand? Just Block now. No mental or emotional lifting of any finger necessary. You need your energy for yourself. We'll discuss daughter tomorrow... Night, chickadee.

"If I die I'm going to haunt the fuck out of all of them. This I look forward to." That's my gal! :))))))))))))))) In that case - maybe you won't want to Block. Maybe you'll be up for (with me acting through you) haunting them while you're still alive? It's easy if you know how. And I duz. Innit.

Hi Soulmate thank you for all your caring and interesting words. Food for thought. I'm ok with it. Don't want to be a buzz kill for folks over Christmas. Just gonna deal day to day and get on with things. Waiting for my Doctor to phone me right now with the plan (next steps). There is 3 masses. Biggest being 2.8cm. Two under my left nipple. The other in my arm pit. Results of my other scans (woman parts) were not great either. Seems there is a spot in hell and they're pretty keen to fill it. Ironically quicker than Dept of Housing finding a new transfer place for us LOL. Reading your response...I'm going with punishment. My Mum says it is. I had a male friend many moons ago that believed any form of cancer is a punishment. Honestly speaking you & I both know just how big a b*tch I'm capable of being. ***I've always had a problem with the mentality that once somebody gets an illness or dies they suddenly grow wings and are referred to as an Angel. Like their slate is wiped clean or some such thing. I prefer the truth. Family will definitely say the 'b_tch got her punishment'. They went with that outlook during my triple operation emergency surgery last year. However, when my Sister in Law was diagnosed with bowel cancer and went through all the treatments. Now clear and seems to be doing ok. Everybody suddenly phoned her often, sent her gift baskets, talked about her in past tenths (as though she was already deceased) and said how wonderful she is. Yet she had MANY b_tch moments prior to diagnosis and now with the 'all clear' is back to being her usual smart arse self. My daughter. Her attitude was perhaps 'don't want to hear it nor believe it' I think. She never mentioned it again since. Picking on me and calling me names. ***referring back to what I said above I prefer this. Keeping it realistic. No BS. However, I said flippantly on purpose to test her (see I'm a mega b*tch) how all the scans for all my various parts can be seen online. They sent a message link to my phone. I said perhaps there will be a written report attached. She JUMPED UP! 'Give it to me. Make us a cuppa & you're going to sit next to me whilst we read this together. Maybe we will be able to analyse it or at least see something'. We had a laugh!!! Couldn't make out a bloody thing. It was moving pictures. We saw what looked like an Axolotl in my abdomen. Also, enough bubbles that we called me a Milkshake. We could very easily however see the 3 breast lumps. They'd coloured them 'red' so they stood out and had the measurements alongside. It was a bonding moment. Too little too late? We shall see. She even told the dogs to 'go away you spoilt things Mum and I are doing this together'. She was visibly frustrated when the dogs tried to jump up. Likewise she was frustrated that the screen said that all Specialist Notes, Radiation Results and Break Down had been sent separately and marked private to my GP. They aren't telling me much at this stage and I'm wondering why. I could go on more about myself of course but enough boring medical stuff. I'm more into the psychology. Enjoy the info you send me to read. I'm learning so much. Next message latest from Git!

Referring to your message Dec 15 Having gone over read and re-read the 'no contact Narc' info. Alex Had some pin points that were spot on about Git. I have had no contact for weeks but daughter lets me know he is angry. His usual persona has disappeared. He comes/goes. He seems to never want to be ENTIRELY DONE with his source of supply. He wants us when he wants us! Example: He phones daughter for computer help & paperwork, passes on message via daughter to me 'tell her (he rarely uses my name & when he does it is with a harsh sound/tone put on it) that her Mother is crying today and I don't know how to handle it. Your Mother is better with that stuff.' Many of Alex notes related! John How dare you have the affront to ignore the most perfect person in the universe. How dare you deprive them from having complete control over such a lesser being as you. He has said this! 'how dare you ignore me'. He has said 'that we (daughter & myself) are trailer trash and how Aunt and himself are better than us. More good points from John also. Uses Mum as the emotional hold over me. He definitely has a sense of distorted grandeur. Toni Whole paragraph SPOT ON! That is where we were at yesterday. I'm still reeling from it. He is audacious. Total lack of respect for us or our privacy or wants/needs. Zero boundaries.

Yesterday At 9am my mobile begins ringing says Git on screen. I ignore. He tries 3 times with time lapses between. Then the fourth time a text 'answer the phone'. I ignore. I always feel guilty! I always feel like a bad person. However, I WANTED to be selfish. Daughter was sleeping in and the dogs and I were putting up Christmas Decorations which I was thoroughly enjoying. Raya was delighted with a wind up, musical, snow globe. She jumped on my lap and her bottom was wagging side to side. Tail slapping. When the music stopped she used her paw to hit my hand to do it again. Just like a child! I adore this dog! The puppy just wanted to lick the snow globe (gross) so I then had to polish it. So I was 'happy'. Having 'alone' time and loving it. Sudden side note just sprung to mind: Raya knew I was sick before anybody. Remember her nose following the vein from my chest down my left arm? Pretty sure I mentioned it. Smart dog! At 9:42am still early on this Sunday Morning. He pulls up in the car outside our Villa & starts leaning on the horn! 7 times! I ignored. My anger was building. He then sent text 'come out to the car'. I felt I had to answer this because he was disturbing the neighbourhood with the horn tooting. I sent voice to text. 'Sorry not coming out. Drying off from shower. Bye'. I hoped he'd drive off and go away. Nope. I knew before he pounded on the door. Raya was barking at the window. He came up to the door and began absolutely banging his fist on the door. Called out my name and told me to open the door. I sat on the sofa with Raya and puppy tried desperately to ignore. My chest actually went tight, hurting and I felt like vomiting. He called out 'you won't get this parcel I have for (daughters name)'. I called out 'I'm indisposed. Just leave the parcel by the door thank you and get on your way'. By now I was looking at the cameras through my daughters phone. He did not have a parcel on him. I knew daughter was NOT expecting any parcel delivered to his house. He called out 'fine have it your way but (daughters name) will not get this parcel which is for the dogs'. I re-iterate there was no parcel in his hands. He stood there for AGES. Raya was confused and angry. She'd barked herself hoarse. Now sat quietly alongside me on the sofa. Eventually he turned on his heels and left. I WAS FURIOUS! BUT WAIT THERE IS MORE...

Background Info: Git has been rude to daughter and demanding what is wrong with me mentally to ignore him & why am I no longer going to the nursing home with him. He got quite agro and now she is perturbed and won't answer his calls. His last call which she did answer he stated 'tell your Mother she will be coming with me on Sunday morning to see her Mother and she is to be ready and on the curb waiting for him at 10am'. My daughter had told him previously and went through it yet again 'Mum is choosing to go by herself from here on in to see Nanna because she prefers it that way. It is actually a good thing because Nanna gets to see somebody on another day rather than you two together and then gaps of days without anybody visiting'. His response was 'tell HER to phone me confirming she is coming at 9am & she is to be ready & waiting Sunday morning by 10am. Daughter said (his name in a frustrated tone as I heard all) followed with 'Git! Mum will not be phoning you because Mum will not be going with you and I've already told you this twice. Sorry but I have to go now I'm expecting an important call. She hung up. THIS WAS THE LEAD UP TO THE SUNDAY MORNING DEBARCLE!

Contd Sunday Morning... So he eventually turned on heels and left. He phones and leaves long voice message 45mins later. 'Tell (daughters name) that if she wants this parcel from her Aunt which is a Christmas present then she will meet me at the local cafe at 12pm as she is not picking up her phone. I wish to speak to her about some things'. So he'd previously said he had a parcel for daughter which was dog supplies. However he stood at the door with no parcel. He couldn't leave it by the door as I requested because he wasn't holding a parcel. She often orders dry food on line & due to stealing neighbours here has it delivered to her Grandmothers house. When daughter eventually got up at 12:15pm I said 'what you didn't hear the dogs and Git at the door?'. Then added 'he apparently has a dog parcel for you and is right now as we speak waiting for you at the local cafe as he needs to discuss something with you'. I got a groggy 'WHAT?' in response from her then she said she hadn't ordered any dog dry food to his house in ages and was not expecting any such parcel. She said he can sit there and wait as I'm not going. She then got angry! This is all my fault apparently. That I am mental and can't handle people. I said 'well darling (sarcastically spoken) you are the one hiding here, not responding and not at the cafe to get your parcel. I note you are leaving him there and not phoning to say you're not going which is pretty rude. By the way the dog parcel has now morphed into a Christmas Gift from your Aunt. Her response WTF! So she begins her usual insult onslaught & yelling at me to 'handle him' as she won't be. I said the parcel is supposedly for you and I've already dealt with him over the phone, tooting on the curb and banging on the front door whilst the dogs went ballistic and you supposedly heard nothing in this tiny bird cage sized villa. She said 'You can't make me respond. You don't control me.' I was a b*tch back to her because by this point I was emotionally had it. So much for happy Christmas decorating. I'm not allowed to be happy. I picked up my phone and said I'll show you how it is done coward. I dial. He picks up. I didn't let him get a word in after hello! I said 'you have been told that I see my Mother when I'm ready and alone and I do not have to explain myself. You knew I was not coming this morning. Why the f*ck were you banging on my door? That is rude. (daughters name) is not expecting any dog parcel that morphed into a Christmas Present from her Aunt. The same Aunt who you informed us last week said neither of us is deserving of anything from her xmas hamper. Live your life. Visit Mum whenever and leave us to f*ck alone!'. I turned to daughter and frustratingly yelled 'there that is how you handle a dick headed man!' ***Prepare to laugh Soulmate you know I'm not good with technology. I can use my phone but this was on hers as I'd run out of credit on mine*** She looks at me and says 'Mum you didn't hang up. He's still on the phone and can hear you'. I said 'good. he knows where he stands. Now hang this bloody thing up for me'. She grabbed the mobile out of my hand and pressed the red button LOL. Spoken with sarcasm 'Surprisingly we haven't heard anything from him since'.

Update on new neighbours: They are s*ite! Total bad news. Non stop fighting, yelling, screaming, swearing. Yes rather like us but way worse being more often, more ferocious and major intensity. White male, red hair and freckles yet he is playing full blast Islamic Music and doing the call to prayer out front and back daily. Now I know that is sounding judgmental of me. Yep...I'm in trouble for sounding racist. But he follows these sessions with hitting his female partner out the front of my place! Neither work. They spend the whole day & night hitting each other. You here the slaps and her saying 'stop hitting me, stop, stop'. Remember there is no division between the villas. So I am closely exposed to all that they do. I see all. I hear all. They enjoy an alcoholic liquid breakfast and smoking. Arguing excessively loudly. They enjoy an alcoholic liquid lunch with gangster music blasting. I saw her in the local shop and she couldn't walk a straight line. She kept stumbling & falling over. He watches me through the kitchen window which is creepy. I turn around from the bench making a coffee and there is the Cretin staring in. He curls his lip and screws up his nose. Neither is capable of being human, smiling nor friendly. Daughter has been watched and got the same facial expression as I did. Once again we are filled with fear! Once again I'm scared for the dogs & watch them closely in the yard. He stands in his front doorway yelling out comments when I go to the bins but it is drunk and inaudible. Once again I don't want to leave either daughter or dogs home alone. Last evening the new neighbourhood watch group informed us with video evidence of what has been happening in the neighbourhood. Whilst I watched a Christmas Movie at midnight just down the road three mixed race males wearing hoodies and masks with machetes broke into a Unit. Also, other crimes were shown to us just down the road. We are terrified! The gang (our previous neighbours) are still driving by several times a night and hooning in the street. They yell out. I can't make out the words. As for this breast cancer when combined with my other health issues I'm scared I'll die and leave her here alone. I don't know what to do. We need money. I need to get daughter and the dogs out of here. I can't stay in hospital and leave them! I can't work. I want to. Yesterday I couldn't make dinner as I was doubled over in pain, dry reaching wanting to vomit & could not walk up the staircase. Raya was funny! She took each step with me one at a time slowly and waited right alongside me. She is one amazing dog. Normally she flies up them in seconds skipping two at a time. Daughter filmed her doing it on her phone. With 14 stairs it took both of us quite some time to get to the top. She is sticking by me like glue. Even when I go to the toilet, shower, anywhere! She knows. I know. What am I going to do? My arms are black & blue. The veins are constantly collapsing. Daughter is disturbed by my arms saying 'shit Mum that had to hurt'. I think she realises now that Mum has not been faking illness for attention. Sorry this is dark and dank at Christmas Time. Thanks for saying you'll be here for me. I don't deserve it. I don't want to mar your Xmas Cheer. I like hearing your son is with you. So I'll leave you in peace for a bit. In the meantime please take care. Hope you are stronger after your recent battle with illness. Bugger the diabetes I'm probs already dying from other stuff so BRING ON THE MON CHERIE! LOL

Ok you won't hear from me for awhile. Unless I take my laptop with me. Doc just rang. I have to leave them. Not happy. Daughter & dogs. Putting me straight in. One lump in particular (the biggest) needs to be removed and sent to lab. The other smaller two different in structure and appearance. Will biopsy. Not as concerning. A Hernia is causing the pain in my abdomen. Hence can't climb stairs. Growing on adhesion sight of operation internally therefore stretching where they joined the centre of my chest after the surgery. No action at this time will be taken due to pressing breast issue. Maybe deal with it later she said. Pelvis showed heaps of Fibroids growing. So much that they couldn't locate the right ovary as it is completely in the centre of the milkshake bubbles (daughter & I called them) As Doc says this isn't news. I'm use to it and the pain eight years now. Once again could hysterectomy but breast is taking priority. She hung up and 20 mins later rang back. They want me NOW. They will give a reduced rate of $490 for these procedures. THAT IS THAT! I don't have any money. Daughter does but this will cause major fights. Last few days she's been complaining she doesn't have enough cash for Christmas etc. Puppy needs expensive meds she has to go get today. She won't want to give me this. If I live I'll hear about it forever. Now fate gets revenge. I need Step Father. I need some of my Mother's money. I may need daughter and dogs to stay there. SORRY THIS ALL ISN'T YOUR PROBLEM. It is Christmas! Go enjoy! I have to face the shit storm that will come following my telling daughter all this news.

Eyup, "Reading your response...I'm going with punishment. My Mum says it is. I had a male friend many moons ago that believed any form of cancer is a punishment. Honestly speaking you & I both know just how big a b*tch I'm capable of being. ***I've always had a problem with the mentality that once somebody gets an illness or dies they suddenly grow wings and are referred to as an Angel. Like their slate is wiped clean or some such thing. I prefer the truth. Family will definitely say the 'b_tch got her punishment'. They went with that outlook during my triple operation emergency surgery last year. However, when my Sister in Law was diagnosed with bowel cancer and went through all the treatments. Now clear and seems to be doing ok. Everybody suddenly phoned her often, sent her gift baskets, talked about her in past tenths (as though she was already deceased) and said how wonderful she is. Yet she had MANY b_tch moments prior to diagnosis and now with the 'all clear' is back to being her usual smart arse self. " You need to slow down when I get deep - and I don't think I explained that articulately enough, either, in terms of the all-important Context, so you've not 'got' it. Plus, I don't give a flying DUCK for what your self-helpless amateurs (Mum) and mental patients (the rest of them) want you to think, especially since they *don't* think, save for egocentrically, and even then, the thought-train stops at MacStation, not the thought terminus). Stop listening to - by which I mean, taking on-board, their ridiculous opinions. These are the delinquent w***ers that've made you ill! You remember "Cath n Kim"?.... "Look at me.....LOOK-AT-MEEEEE.....". Not them - me. I'm the one that makes helps people get/feel better. That's an order, soldier. Let's try again: Aside from a wake-up call to make you change your ways (your case - accepting what's really, genuinely wrong with these mental cripples, YES, CRIPPLES, and getting yourself AND your daughter the hell away from them for-real or at least mentally, whereby you just find them ridiculous and amusing in equal measure (- "hellooo!")) - in which case, the stress inflammation goes away and you survive it, and meanwhile, your neurology and attitudes/thinking have the peace to fix and re-set themselves -: If you're 'too good for this world' (and have had an Officer-level life/obstacle course as your clue), your so-called death is your being plucked off this planet and promoted to the next level/planet. If you're intrinsically good, with greater (useable) potential, whereby the world needs your input, but, haven't learnt enough - your death is your being 'put back a class' - Re-born in another, new, naked ape's body (newborn baby). You can also be put back if you're only too good for this world but lacked the power/opportunity to put it into proper effect. If you're 'all wrong', you get put back one or more classes or 'sent to prison' for a spell (so-called Hell). If one is a deliberately evil little sh*tface, one will be made to stay and live a very long time...BECAUSE, for evil little beepheads, THAT'S YOUR PUNISHMENT....YOUR HELL. Lots of different reasons for being RELOCATED, depending on the person and context, whereby it's always appropriate and achieves a positive result. This is the University Of Life and you have a lot of potential (but which has been sat on by others). You should be a campaigner or politician or whatever mover-shaker. You always bring to mind this - and I mean EVERY time....lol, your signature tune in my head if you like. Just the chorus, mind: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGtQMT-QLgc In actual fact, including when it comes to having your human priorities right, YOU should have been the head of that family (if only they weren't highly infectiously ill (look at what that 'family's' done to your Mum and nuff said!)...which they are...so - No, not an option). You have INCREDIBLE staying-power and tenacity, AND MENTAL ENERGY (this thread is testament to that - you can post almost as extensively as me!...which is A First). You're actually pretty irrepressible and incorrigible. Not many people with your whole history would have lasted THAT (and THIS) incredibly long under constant fire as intense as that, year after year - NO WAY. Any weakling, or someone just not as incredibly strong as you, would have been off and out of that family, first chance they'd got. (See how that works?) And this cancer won't 'kill' you, either. This is just a Wobble and 'Weebles wobble but they don't fall down'. ...Unless you want it to. It's that simple: a deepest-down choice. PLUS...you've not noticed the open cage door that this situation represents: you're in the ideal Escape position because, let's be honest - you have NOTHING to lose now. You can tell 'em ALL what you really, truly think of them. Especially if you do it in a way that bats the slime BACK. E.g. if Blister emails again, just reply with something like this: "Don't stop there - keep going! Someone I know is diagnosing you. :)" And yet you're also in the position to be excused ..."Plausible Deniability" back at them!... 'Oh, it's probably the cancer talking', they'll say (rather than admit you're right). Point is - you can have a long, long vent AT THEM...let that decades-long pressure from lack of the right to be heard, OUT...and away. Let 'em have it! Plus, having the intelligent wit to be bitchy WHEN IN SELF-DEFENCE MODE ONLY, does not make you 'Punishment-worthy', don't make me laugh. Plus, I'm far bitchier, but I know where I'm going and why - because I am in the actions, same as you. And you're even nice and caring to evil basstuds (because your saintliness dial's got knocked into Burning Martyr territory) so - Case Closed. But...and it's a big but: neither you nor I are 'hit first' merchants. It's always only in self- or other-defence (usually even more so the latter - right?). Blah-blahs mean nothing if they don't align with the actual actions. Look at life's latest action directed at you: YOU'RE NOW *BEING FORCED* (by them upstairs) TO FINALLYYYYYYYY....FOCUS .....OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON.... *YOU*. In YOUR position, that's not a bad surprise-event, it's a good one. Got it now? Stop arguing, just ignore and laugh at them and look at ME.

"If one is a deliberately evil little sh*tface, one will be made to stay and live a very long time...BECAUSE, for evil little beepheads, THAT'S THEIR PUNISHMENT....their HELL." They hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhATE this life! Because they hate (- resentment, piled-up with nowhere to go) people. And people IS Life (think about it). And because they're now wired to nothing-but hate ("Pathological Resentment"). Be honest: whom in their position with even a modicum of correct or still-connected wiring, *wouldn't*? So being made to stay in their version of Hell, IS Hell. Narcissism is for when you're in pain or danger (no thought or care for anyone or anything else - think about when you badly stub your big toe and how you'd react if someone tried to strike up a chinwag with you or ask you about something (in that context) wholly unimportant. Their needles got stuck in high Narcissism because the pain and danger never stopped for enough of a break. They're already IN Hell. Try to tell me they don't act like beeping soul-level-miserable gits, the lot of them! I've been intensively (obsessively!) studying these cripples (the malignants) my entire life. My theory for what they're really up to (or their subconscious), at-root, is akin to when (in "Aliens") Ripley finds test-tube versions of herself - all of whom clearly did not, or still aren't, having a nice time of it, putting it mildly. The most alive/developed one... What does she do? Answer: begs Ripley to kill her (to put her out of her misery). What would she do if her mind didn't have the mechanism to beg? Answer: PROVOKE HER.... ANTAGONISE HER MAJORLY. That's what I think their poor, locked-in, inner animals are 'begging' for when they behave like evil, sadistic little basstuds, if you want my most deeply-though-out, honest opinion. (I know I'm right....cos I always beeping am - on all of this stuff, anyway. It's my gift and my curse in equal measure.) Do them all a favour and one-by-one, shove each of their faces up against the mirror whereby they CAN'T, NOT, LOOK - and SEE. THAT'S what 'kills or cures' them. Nothing to lose which EVER way you look at it.

/continued... (Doing it in bursts, yourself and the others who are waiting, tonight) "Referring to your message Dec 15 Having gone over read and re-read the 'no contact Narc' info." - etcetera (whole post). Excellent stuff! (I've got more data than that, no worries - many more to come.)

/continued... Daughter. Hmmmm..... What is this a case of, we wonder: Forgive her, Father, for she knows not what she does (with that mouth of hers)? You need to re-train her to SAY sorry AS WELL AS do it (half-do it...wheedling round you). Next time (yawn): "I don't give a sh*t WHAT you think/believe. All I'm doing is the right thing - just TELLING you." (We're going Brief and No-Nonsense from now on - whenever she gets like that, I mean.)

I'm not reading ahead, but - at this point - I imagine you don't (yet) realise what FREEDOM, what CARTE BLANCHE, you now, suddenly have! *I* do. ;)))))))))))))))))(infinity))))))))))

Hey Soulmate Thanks sincerely xo Didn't want to get back on here and be a further pest. Big Day tomorrow. I'm wobbling badly!!! I couldn't sleep. First Reason: I was SUPER RUDE to Git (Step Father) It was NASTY of me one week prior to Christmas I did indeed crack and should have handled him better He is alone. He is a total w*nker. But he is alone. It is Christmas! He has been super nasty to both daughter & myself. Yet I feel super guilty! I despise being out of sorts with people. I get sick in the stomach. I pick my lip until it turns bruised and purple then actually bleeds. Daughter saw him at the local store said he is looking forlorn. She said his countenance really did look 'down', 'upset', sad even. Daughter added 'from what I've heard on the grapevine Nanna (my Mum) is getting really angry at the Nursing Home & the minute she sees him arrive she is tossing him out. Telling him loudly in the common room to b*gger off & go away. Go back to my home you b_stard and enjoy using my money etc. If she knew how he meets her Sister often at the CAFE right around the corner from the Nursing Home I think she'd kill him. In the last few days... She got caught with the cord she cut off the curtain, she got caught with a fork she hid under the lunch table, she got caught with a knife. When they asked her what she had these for they were presuming to kill herself. She told them this 'because I don't have access to an axe to take down to the garden and finish that second husband of mine off'. YIKES! They've taken her nail scissors from her, her metal nail file, anything glass or china in her room, her mini handbag mirror, leg shavers and anything that can be used as a weapon. Their monthly report says her dementia is getting worse and violent. It isn't. She is totally calm & reasonably sane with me. Other than repeating herself a few times over & asking what day/month it is and how old she is now. She talked to me about movies, actors & actresses by name & songs also naming the singers. Because of her outbursts with Git they are now sedating her more. Now she is getting locked in her room more. She is no longer permitted on the balcony. They sent me an email and apparently she is asking for me. He is telling her I don't come anymore. He is telling her I don't care. She has no concept of time. She forgets. It is her short term memory lost. Her long term is great. I can't go. It is too far, costs too much money & I have a busy week. I will see her next probably Christmas Eve. I feel guilty! I feel like a bad daughter. My daughters friends told her last night 'don't crack and don't include Git in your Mums Health as he implied last week that she was faking illness. Don't cave. He can't just be rude all the time (they know how he is) and get away with it'. Daughter is not feeling guilty. To her well he's had it coming she said to me last night. I know I need this! This FREEDOM. I've CRAVED IT for so long. You are soooo right. I'm already today taking a deep breath & exhaling the stress out. However, I'm physically quivering. Scared of the fall out. He will tell everybody! Aunt, Sister, Brother, Sister-in-law. The last pair are scary forceful and downright fierce people. I'm not up to being attacked! It is coming! I sense it! I'm so use to it happening. They think they rule THE WORLD AND EVERYBODY IN IT. If you could hear their condescending tone when they talk. Trying to prep myself to concentrate on tomorrows procedure. However I'm Failing. Wobbling badly! Reason 2: Because *ucking tomorrow (my procedure day!) is my Sister's Birthday! I'm wobbling. It has zero to do with her stupid present (they are always odd such as the complimentary cup given to her when she boarded her Cruise Ship or my 4th same gemstone because what properties it brings I apparently need). It has nothing to do with this sudden gift. She tells all that she sent them to us. I mean she sent it via Git to his house for that very reason! Just to make herself appear the nice one, the good one. Me..I...remain looking evil, heart less, lousy. Nobody knows the last things she said to me that made me cut her out of my life. Truth is...I don't miss her! I think perhaps what it is...is the hold my deceased Grandparents still have over me. They emphasised and stressed to me growing up 'all that matters is family and you accept the hand you are dealt. You don't knock them publicly ever. You always forgive their wrong doings'. It was drummed into me. I literally feel them watching and being upset with me. Git always sends me a text to say 'phone your sister and wish her a happy Birthday'. Mum always says 'did you send your sister a birthday message?'. Every year it is the same routine. Guilt manipulation. Control. They don't call me on mine! Mum before being put in the home, made a phone call laughing like it was a great joke the next after my birthday saying how I'm 'forgettable'. Chuckling. She forgot to call on the day so rang the following day when she finally remembered. YET...what you don't know is I share the same birthday with my Niece. She had phoned her! They really suck as human beings. OK...even as I type this...flooding through my head is very good, very real, very true REASONS WHY I SHOULD NOT CAVE! SHOULD NOT ALLOW 'those Grandparent voices in my head' CLOUD MY JUDGMENT NOR MAKE ME BACK DOWN. I've put weeks/months into cutting them out. It's too late. They NEVER apologise because they truly believe they never do wrong. I'm no Angel! We know that. I've been mean. Given back as good as I got at times. However, I admit wrong doing and apologise. I try to do better next time. THEY JUST REPEAT AND REPEAT THE NASTY. I don't think they can help it. It is in their DNA. Sorry for long winded, annoying, melt down. I'll be ok. Focus on my procedure. Got it! Talked it out here. Feel a bit more confident to face tomorrow and Christmas. Daughter said as she headed up the stairs to bed last night 'I won't hear of you having Cancer. You are not going to die. I simply will not have it. You can't die and leave me end of story. It will be ok. Night-night. I love you'.

/continued... "Yesterday At 9am my mobile begins ringing says Git on screen. I ignore. He tries 3 times with time lapses between." What - barely-lapses, like, every 5 minutes? "Then the fourth time a text 'answer the phone'. I ignore." ((Who died and made YOU the boss of her!? Who d'you think you're talking to, you disgusting excuse for a human being!)) I have just texted: Up yer bum 'n round the corner. Or I think you sent this to me instead of your cleaning-lady. Or No, and you can't make me. Or Eenie-meenie-minie-F*CK OFF. Or I don't do answering the phone any more, to people who are as obnoxiously rude and up themselves as you constantly are. (Skipped Kindergaarten, did you? Or were you expelled.) Or Who d'you think you're talking to? Learn some manners....man of your age!...ridiculous. Or a hundred other options, including completely ignoring him. (So many ways - so little time, haha.) "I always feel guilty! I always feel like a bad person. However, I WANTED to be selfish. Daughter was sleeping in and the dogs and I were putting up Christmas Decorations which I was thoroughly enjoying." It's just not your comfort zone, that's why. It depends on context whether or not one is being selfish in the vein of self-obsessed. You weren't; you were doing the sensible, truly grown-up thing of putting yourself and yours first. Ahead of a non-stop-offensive arsehole. (Ooh, difficult choice...) He's not a developed human, he's a feral human. Guilt is needless, has no place here. Not to worry - you'll get used to it and then won't feel it again (practise makes perfect). "Raya was delighted with a wind up, musical, snow globe. She jumped on my lap and her bottom was wagging side to side. Tail slapping. When the music stopped she used her paw to hit my hand to do it again. Just like a child! I adore this dog!" Oh, SWEEEEEET! "The puppy just wanted to lick the snow globe (gross) so I then had to polish it. So I was 'happy'. Having 'alone' time and loving it." Fabuloso! "Sudden side note just sprung to mind: Raya knew I was sick before anybody. Remember her nose following the vein from my chest down my left arm? Pretty sure I mentioned it. Smart dog!" Yep. They do. (It's a reently discovered skill of theirs.) And, yup. "At 9:42am still early on this Sunday Morning. He pulls up in the car outside our Villa & starts leaning on the horn! 7 times! I ignored. My anger was building." He missed his vocation: he should have been a high-pressure, door-to-door salesman. "He then sent text 'come out to the car'." ((OH, PISSS.....OOFFFFFFFFF!)) At that point, I'd have texted: No, YOU come out to the car! (:D) Or I can't! (Why not!) Because you're too disgusting! "I felt I had to answer this because he was disturbing the neighbourhood with the horn tooting." Next time, leave it. Hopefully one of the neighbours will take him to task. OR....ring the Police and report him for "causing a disturbance"/"disturbing the peace" AND HARRASSMENT. "I sent voice to text. 'Sorry not coming out. Drying off from shower. Bye'." HEE-HEE-HEEEEEEE - NICE ONE! Particularly love the chirpy little 'bye' bit at the end there, hahahahaha! "I hoped he'd drive off and go away. Nope." Nope. "I knew before he pounded on the door." At that point - for me: Police. Next time, ring them and have him removed. "Raya was barking at the window. He came up to the door and began absolutely banging his fist on the door." At that point, I'd have gone upstairs with a bucket of freezing cold water (assuming you've a window above the front door?). "Called out my name and told me to open the door." ((NOT BY THE HAIR OF MY CHINNY-CHIN-CHIN!)) "I sat on the sofa with Raya and puppy tried desperately to ignore." WELL DONE! "My chest actually went tight, hurting and I felt like vomiting." Yep. But that's only the first time. It'll be easy (if there's a) next time. "He called out 'you won't get this parcel I have for (daughters name)'. I called out 'I'm indisposed. Just leave the parcel by the door thank you and get on your way'." YUSSS! 'Thank-you, Jeeves, and now you are dismissed' High Five! "By now I was looking at the cameras through my daughters phone. He did not have a parcel on him. I knew daughter was NOT expecting any parcel delivered to his house." Can't say I'm surprised. PS: He's a real-live lunatic, this one. "He called out 'fine have it your way but (daughters name) will not get this parcel which is for the dogs'. I re-iterate there was no parcel in his hands." (('GOOD! COS IT'S A BOMB! ENJOY!')) "He stood there for AGES." Not used to being defied. Used to everyone being scared of him/his relentless hassling and scene-causing, and giving-in. "Raya was confused and angry. She'd barked herself hoarse." Then she wasn't confused. (She'd have read your vibe.) "Now sat quietly alongside me on the sofa. Eventually he turned on his heels and left." YESSSSS! ("Yyyou won the war...in nineteen-sixty-four!...") I'd have yelled: 'See ya, Humpty!'. "I WAS FURIOUS! BUT WAIT THERE IS MORE..." (Dann-dann-DAAAAANNNN!....) At this point: 9-5 out of 10! (Thlup!)

"Git has been rude to daughter and demanding what is wrong with me mentally to ignore him & why am I no longer going to the nursing home with him. He got quite agro and now she is perturbed and won't answer his calls. His last call which she did answer he stated 'tell your Mother she will be coming with me on Sunday morning to see her Mother and she is to be ready and on the curb waiting for him at 10am'. " 'She WILL BE coming with me'? ...'SHE *WILL BE* COMING WITH ME?!?' He's another Hitler! (Thank God he isn't in that sort of position of power...can you imagine?!) "My daughter had told him previously and went through it yet again 'Mum is choosing to go by herself from here on in to see Nanna because she prefers it that way. It is actually a good thing because Nanna gets to see somebody on another day rather than you two together and then gaps of days without anybody visiting'. Very diplomatic, but ask her to next time just type 'Please refer to previous conversation about this wherein I explained in-full'. "His response was 'tell HER to phone me confirming she is coming at 9am & she is to be ready & waiting Sunday morning by 10am." (I want to hit him. Right in the nose. I seriously do.) "Daughter said (his name in a frustrated tone as I heard all) followed with 'Git! Mum will not be phoning you because Mum will not be going with you and I've already told you this twice. Sorry but I have to go now I'm expecting an important call. She hung up." Okay - GOOD - strike above advice! (8.5 for her...catching-up fast, look :)) She's taking your side. PS: that bit in brackets: are you saying she outright called him a Git? "THIS WAS THE LEAD UP TO THE SUNDAY MORNING DEBARCLE!" 'Debacle'. But I'll let you off because you did FANTASTICALLY! (The saying is normally 'Feel the fear but do it anyway'. But I'm changing that to suit this breakthrough development, to, 'Feel the FOG and do it anyway'. PS: have you read up on post-narc F.O.G. yet? FYI, they hate Christmas - unless they can kaibosh it in whatever way(s) to whatever degree (proportionate with evilness level, I find).)

...But, GOOD if he'll be alone at Christmas (and somehow hates it in the healthy way we would). That'll be the very experience that'll force him to learn how to speak to and treat other adults, ESPECIALLY family and particularly Step-family. ...Like he doesn't know that already and actually DIDN'T attend Nursery School! (He's so toxic I can smell him from here.)

Hope you don't mind, but, I'm renaming him Adolf. He barked all over the shop as well. You can still call him Git, however, I think that's too generous. So I'm calling him Adolf. He's not even funny enough to be given anything comedic. I'll say it again: your poor Mother. Think about what it must be like to be moreover locked constantly indoors, alone, with him....what it would do to your mental and physical health. ...Ye gods!... (Your Dud did a good number on her, didn't he. And she dated again too soon.)

PS: *I* know what's mentally wrong with you: Them!

I want to begin by saying I'm being a hog here so by all means ignore me & answer all the other problems. I'm simply chatting to a friend. Can't sleep. Today's facts: My phone was constantly ringing with Git on the end of it. NO I do not pick up nor reply. It is annoying. I can't cut him off as he is Guardian and the only one whom the Nursing Home will call should Mum have an emergency. Daughter was loud & clear how she would not pay for the procedure. Yes...she has savings. Heaps. A good portion of which was mine but that is another story. Told me nope go ask Git for some of your Mother's money. I'm not paying. She went on to say she needed her money for other things. You need this operation Mum so you best sort it out quickly. You've no idea how I've financially supported her this past fortnight. On the table she had left her receipts from the store. She spent $120 on anti itch meds for Puppy who is allergic to grass. She spent $28 on sundries (toys etc) for Puppy. She spent $280 on special dry food diet in bulk delivered to the door for puppy. More dockets showed the single serve frozen food boxes she bought only for herself. Last fortnight I provided everything plus gave her half the bills. It is her week to pay. She raved on & on at me today about how she can't afford to pay for anything. It is pounding with flooding rain, strong wind & leeches everywhere. I had to walk in it and buy myself some food sending my debit card into the red until my next disability pension. Whilst at the store she actually rang the first time to ask me to pick up some things for her. She was shocked when I said no. Normally I would get it. Still at the store she rang a second time to tell me about how I 'supposedly' fed Raya the wrong type of treat stick yesterday that was in the dog cupboard but only meant for her puppy. Lecture time! I shouldn't have done that she was saying. I did not do anything of the kind I told her. I monitor what Raya eats closely as the vet wanted her to lose a few pounds. I've been falsely accused before. I told her I did not. She continued to berate me. When she was phoning again for the third time 10mins later I ignored it and did not pick up. Feeling pretty low. Know my monetary value. Know my overall worth as her Mother. Know the puppy matters more than me. After her behaviour today I really don't know why I'm doing this procedure anyway. I honestly no longer care about this life I have. Sister-in-Laws Radiation and three lots of Chemo cost them $26,000 so I truly wonder why I'm even doing this tomorrow. As we can't pay for any further treatments if needed. So it was looking like I'd have to cancel tomorrows procedure as they wanted the payment upfront prior to doing it and don't give accounts or allow instalment payments. No way would I ask Git. So, I spent the first three quarters of the day phoning services to ask for help to pay this procedure upfront tomorrow. Many begging calls later I succeeded. A help service agreed to pay the reduced rate of $490 if I pay a service fee of $50. The lady on the phone was lovely and said she'd organise it immediately. I phoned the Clinic to check that all was well. Confirmed. So daughter won't lose a penny and nor will Git. I'll lose $50 and be further in the red with a fine from my bank. Shrug. Oh well. Feeling down walking home in pounding rain and thunder but looked up and there was actually a rainbow over only our villa. That made me smile. I think you can imagine how I'm feeling. I shut myself in my room with Raya for awhile this evening. Bless her she gave me a big hug of her own choosing. No instigation from me. Didn't wish to be around daughter. I certainly know my worth or value sits at less than $500. I truly wish to cancel. Only...I do get to get away from home for a bit and talk to other humans. I'll miss Raya. Hope she'll be ok. She does fret even when I just went to the store for one hour. I hope daughter will be ok with bad neighbourhood. It worries me. I'm going to go through with this simply because I'm curious. Want the verdict. I don't really care the outcome. I think I would not be getting any stopping spreading treatment as I can't pay for it. What would be the point of prolonging this life anyway? I'm old. Body wearing out & nobody loves me except the dog and I know treats and toys can win her over. I also don't want to watch her die and leave me one day. That one I won't ever recover from. Daughter favours her puppy chronically. Puppy gives Raya a hard time these days. Chasing her off her pillow and nipping her. Raya not happy and has started hiding a lot. Poor Raya reigned supreme for 7 years before that spoilt, demanding puppy showed up. Makes me sad for her. Unfair. Must feel replaced.

Although embarrassing, stressful and a bit of pain involved it will be nice to get some attention to be honest. If just to feel like I'm worth helping. I'm still black & blue from the other day. When I came out of my room daughter said 'It will just be a fatty tissue mass that is what my friend has told me'. Then explained how one of her best friends Mums has gone through it all two years ago and is just fine. She then added 'Besides, I've been learning to look after myself more for the last few weeks and I reckon if you died then I'd do ok'. I said 'Well that is good to know'. Thoughts...clearly I'll be sorely missed. Worth still dwindling. Hurt by her behaviour today but bit my tongue to prevent saying what I was thinking. That being...should I die before Mum and Git sadly for daughter it is curtains on any hope of an inheritance. Her Uncle hates her! If he's left in charge he has already stated he'll make sure she never gets a penny. So she'll be totally alone. She'll have two dogs & herself to feed and care for, the rent (which I've always paid and half the other bills), no job, no car and low life neighbours. No longer my pension to fall back on. Her future looks bleak. I guess my Brother would split any monies between my Sister and Himself. Both already very affluent. I believe they'd be delighted for the extra share. Once again feeling my value. Shame that. If I'd have gotten any inheritance well I'd have given most or nearly all of it to daughter to improve her life. God works in mysterious ways. But she'll be totally alone, have all the chores to do and no money for her future. I'd say all hope for her is lost unless she works two jobs. Worried Raya may fret to death. So I'd have thought she'd be hoping I live. This sounds like a bitter diatribe but it isn't. I'm just stating the harsh reality. At least tonight she seemed genuine when she asked 'are you scared?'. Then added how she would be. Breast Cancer to me is like poor Jack from the Titanic Movie. Finally the penniless boy wins a free ticket out of his mundane life. A Holiday! Hits an ice-berg and drowns because a selfish bit*h wouldn't move over on the floating door to make room for him. I'm being a major selfish woman here. It is nearly Christmas. Go. Forget me. Have fun with your son. Let me know what you pair get up to. Wishing you a happy time. Don't allow this self pity filled woman to spoil any of it. Bye for now.

Hello Soulmate, I just read this entry from you on Elise page, Dec 10, 1:19 Any update since it's been a whole week you've been kept waiting a second time? Again - so sorry...that time of year....plus, apparently I've got Long Covid of the type where it reignites every sodding year....plus I had too much going on - really deep, meaningful stuff so I've been paralysed with digesting and processing it all. And everyone else is Christmas shopping! Are YOU alright? Not just the long Covid which reignites. You said: plus I had too much going on - really deep, meaningful stuff so I've been paralysed with digesting and processing it all. I hated reading this as you are always there for others. I am a good listener if you need a shoulder to cry on? I realise you are a VERY private person and as Moderator probably can't say anything here. I'm hoping whatever has upset you has settled down a bit now. Because I do care HUG PS Procedure went pretty well. Don't waste anymore time worrying about me. Focus on you. Enjoy time with your son.

You're not being a hog. The situation demands it. The situation is being a hog. But even then it isn't being a hog. Listen up, you, missus stubborn. NO MORE APOLOGISING FOR IMAGINERY OFFENCES, FOR MERELY, BEING HUMAN. NO PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN WHAT... SO.... EVER! Seriously, DD, please stop it. To Healthies, it's actually highly repulsive and frustrating in equal measure. Sorry, but it is. And this is how they get you replicating their abuse in their absence...how they don't just isolate you DURING the abusive relationship, but after...when you need support and company FROM HEALTHY PEOPLE the most, but are still primed and acting in ways that put them off. That's WHY you have to stick with co-ex-targets/victims; like us, here, they understand that. You're not in an ironmonger's shop, asking for fresh Tomatoes, are you. You're in a Fruit n Veg shop, asking for fresh Tomatoes. So what's the problem? I'm not even complaining! You can't do my complaining FOR me, especially not when complaining isn't even on the cards. THIS is the truth of it: You're (get this!) in no way, shape or form a pain in the arse EXCEPT FOR when you punch yourself in front of me/us like that. That is the only time you're a pain (an izznidironic, doncha think). See how needless this self-flagellation and apologising for your existence is now? I hope so. Please be vigilant from now on about cutting that out or I'll have to start sitting you on the Naughty Chair each time. Anyhoo! Be with you (and Heisenberg, etc.) hopefully some time tomorrow; if not, either Friday and/or Saturday (think son's going out with his Spanish mates on Satdee; the weather's warmed back up, thank beep). Meanwhile - no need to worry. I'm fine...I'm used to battling through (I'm so tough I'm positively stringy! LOL) and it doesn't get me down, it just irritates me, being ill. It's beeping inconvenient. I had a good day today though...really crap yesterday...think the weather was adding to it (head pressure) so with the warmer temps, like this avo, for the next week at least - fingers crossed I'll be able to post more often. But stop abusing yourself in front of me, yeh? Bad enough being their scapegoat and dumping ground, without then doing it FOR those lazy arses?! Really think about it. Without that - you'd be almost utterly perfect as a Threadie! (New word - spread it round!)

....Ere y'are, Eyeore, get yer peepers round this lot... (Victim-Survivor on Quora again - the usual drill with double-brackets and asterisks) _________________________________ Question: Is it normal to feel really lonely and unworthy after narcissistic discard? 12 Answers Sort Profile photo for Leigh Burns Leigh Burns · Follow Writer, poet, Survivor/Thriver from Overt and Covert Narcs1y I am 3 months post-Narc and can assure you that what you are feeling is normal. What we don’t realise is that they eroded our sense of agency and made us dependent on them during the love bombing stage. ((They've intermittently, when needing you for something, carrotted you with the whiff of their approval, finally.)) We were on a pedestal and that kind of attention is like a drug. For me, the devaluing was very subtle, and only became apparent two days before he discarded me. But looking back, I can clearly see the red flags where in general conversation he would refer to me as ‘paranoid’ and ‘overly sensitive’. The loneliness comes from being disconnected with yourself. They rob you of that agency because they take over your life. What I am doing and will continue to do is to get back in touch with myself - my likes, doing the things I love, writing, spending time with me and enjoying it. When you begin to reconnect with yourself the loneliness disappears. ****The feeling of unworthiness comes from the callous way they discard ((you've been round and round the cycle of narc abuse so have been devalued-into-discarded, then hoovered back in, time and time again)) - like rubbish thrown on the rubbish heap. I went from “I love you so much baby… you’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman..” that morning, and that night I got, “I can’t do this anymore, I’m done… You won’t let anything go… you only want drama… your daughter is a b***tch..” (the very same daughter that a few months earlier he was wanting to ‘adopt’!). Rest assured of a number of things…1. they are absolute cowards and the only way they can feel powerful ((or to rid their mind of negative thoughts and feelings of aggression/hatred)) is to blame/insult/spit vitriole/accuse/smear and project on to you…2. this will happen to the next person… and the next… and the next… because they seek novelty and perfection - one doesn’t last and one is impossible ****3. they didn’t choose us because we were ‘unworthy’… they chose us because we had all the beautiful elements of character they would love to have**** but instead they are an empty vessel that had to plug into our goodness for supply and draw out the goodness to exist." _________________________________ ...meanwhile secretly into not-so-secretly hating you and seething with jealous resentment - your case, your ability to be un-partnered (only strong women can do that), to think for yourself, stand up for justice, to have interests and hobbies, to be close with your daughter enough that she wants to keep living with you (actions!), to NOT take your baby too far for-granted and even show it by farming her out to god-knows-where/who/what!.... In your choices and actions, you show them up, IOW, unbeknownst to you....Well, not unbeknownst now as you did the other day say something along the same lines. But, yeah... Bad Parents, Cowards (hows Hitler coping with living alone? - we can SEE he isn't, can't we!)...I'll bet you anything that the non-Narc or once-non-Narc women feel especially humiliated because, there's you, having proven living alone as a woman is perfectly do-able (would be even better were it not for relentless-Them!...and they know that WHICH IS WHY THEY HASSLE YOU ALL THE TIME)...so having proven it's possible BUT THEY'RE TOO WEAK! You make them look (and feel) weak; cowardly; stupid; bad parents; bad people; boring people; un-imaginative people; untalented people; HELPLESS people ("The money-money-money and boasting isn't working - I'm STILL angry and miserable! - I'm f**ked!") You "make" them feel like the actual Runts they actually-factually are. Without them on your back, you would have soared - AND STILL WILL. So that's why they take it in turns to keep you from showing them up even harder-bigger-faster. End Of. Had THEY been set-upon constantly like that - they'd each have died or gone insane, and DECADES ago. You're in the situation and state you're in because of them. Get away from them and your situation, health, appearance, financial status, cannot fail to start improving in ever-rapid steps. You'll be free to be You and THEN they'll REALLY know what being shown-up looks and feels like! It's true that what doesn't (succeed in) killing you, inevitably just leaves you (all-round) stronger. It's like when a plant becomes pot-bound because no-one is switching it to a bigger pot. So it can't really grow properly. Move it in the nick of time into a bigger pot and - BOOOOFFF! Before you know it, it's twice the size and looking incredibly attractive too. You have 'secondary' cancer because you were grown in a pot riddled with 'primary cancer' (them). The pot is the problem so jump pots (which, being here, represents and is a great start). Eradicate the primary and the PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION of that problem pot will also disappear. Life is very logical, in fact. You really must order "The Body Keeps The Score". Un-put-down-able for one in your position. I was told I was uncurable, too. No. Other people have been. Not me. Especially as being told that is like a Red Rag to a challenge-loving Bull haha! ("Oh, yeah - wanna bet?!"). Don't worry, though. Breast Cancer treatment has come leaps and bounds in the last decade or so. It ain't Terminal any more. Anyway, I'm rambling off-course a bit....that happens when I've got something to say but it hasn't floated up into my conscious yet thus can't be put into words (yet). But - you're a survivor (your survival instinct is VERY strong and powerful) and that's a repeatedly evidenced and thereby uncontestable, empirical fact, so I'm sure you're going to be utterly-butterly fine, and then better, and then GREAT. You'll be SOOOOO UCKING PLEASED you locked them out, I can't tell you. You will look down on and pity them so much. Which is fine with their type because, OBVIOUSLY, a healthy mind IS superior to an unhealthy all the way to twisted, burnt-out, hole-ridden one. Mind Over Matter is true and perfectly easily do-able. (But, shame there isn't Radiology for two-legged cancers, eh. :p Far quicker.) Night! PS: You taking your Cherry Choc?

Thanks for caring though. :)

Here!...jusht quickly while I'm bwushing my teef... LOL...Can you imagine what happened after Adolf flounced off?...once he got home? I can. I would have LOVED to have been a fly on the wall for that one! We're talking Thrown Chairs & Tablelamps City. Seriously. To be defied and outfoxed like that - and by you, about whom they desperately-desperately try to kid themselves is their inferior, LOL. Tantrum isn't the word for it! And I'll bet he immediately rang Blister and Aren't-ie (- cos she aren't), and basically anyone willing to listen (no life, eff-all to do or think about all day/month/year, "ooh, drama!") (the Boring Thickies in other words), and was seething a-deux for the rest of that day and evening and ever since! They are SO-SO-SO SCARED of letting you escape out of that too-tight cage, oh yeah, baby. And now they're going to be feeling powerless to stop you. O M G. Haha. That'll ruin their Christmases! And aren't they such a worthy cause. Seriously - you handled that incident like a pro, you should be dead proud of yourself. I know I am. :)

I'm home. They can't do anything more at the moment due to being back logged severely and the clinic section will be closing down from Christmas to New Year. Obviously public hols in there also. Raya was severely pining. If I should need the Hospital for anything then obviously I'd get an Ambo. Dizzy, nauseous and all the rest. Lost my balance and hit my head into the metal door knob. Got a bump. I don't need alcohol LOL Git turned up to our place today. I did not yell. I did not raise my voice. I gave it to him straight. I think I handled him really well. I told him he has been nothing but a pest who is immature and has zero boundaries. I told him that I simply will not tolerate any of his behaviour anymore. I did not let him get a word in edgeways. Told him so here we go...listen clearly and absorb if you are capable. Here are the boundaries I set for you in regards to us if you intend being at all in our lives. If you prefer not to be in our lives then that is absolutely fine with me. So I set the boundaries and listed them. He just stood and stared at me shaking his head from side to side but he saw the bruises. I didn't fill him in on anything. Not going to. Bloody daughter wouldn't come to the door and support me. She blows my mind with her selfishness. He went 'fine! Bloody fine! You won't be seeing me until your Mother has an emergency' and turned on his heels to leave. I yelled out after him 'great. that is fine with me'. I shut the door. I just couldn't deal with him and his impromptu visits or constant phone calls anymore. I crook as a chook. Can barely stand up straight. Fighting the need to vomit etc. Super sick. Had to literally 'get rid of him'. I'm not proud. I found it hard to do. After I shut the door I was shaking. Doubled over in pain. Burst into tears. I detest being this level of nasty. He looked like a hurt little boy. It is Christmas my conscience is pinching but I know I did the right thing for us. For my own health and sanity. I just can't deal with anymore. Seems I'm going to have to. I'm breaking down as I type this. Raya is sick. Not a clue what is wrong. She is losing her balance. Initially refusing to stand. Then refusing to walk. Won't interact with anybody and keeps hiding under the table. I joined her under there which is no mean feat considering my war wounds. I'm scared shitless. She is the love of my life. I have zero money left. Nothing I can do in regards to vets. I've googled. I've checked her over from top to bottom. I've looked between her paw pads (toes). Felt her tummy. She did not squeal nor pull away. She is not angry. She has not growled at me or gone to bite at all. I've been sobbing my heart out. Begging daughter for help. I'm so damaged. My head is yelling at me 'Punishment! More punishment for what you just did to git'. I hit my head half an hour after the episode with step father. Now Soraya. What am I supposed to think? Nobody else is being hit with all that I am right now. Doesn't that make me the bad one? Git is getting along fine. Bro & Sis in law were so nasty a few days back & Git delighted in saying their great. Then he delighted in saying Sister is great and from all accounts had a nice birthday. At least daughter said 'stop it Mum! What is happening to you is not a curse nor an act of God. Dogs get sick. Women who just had a procedure lose their balance and hit their head.' (Procedure went wrong Soulmate. I didn't tell you. We however got there in the end. I'm pretty good all things considered). I boiled a chicken breast for Raya. Coaxed her out tiny piece by tiny piece. Like Hansel & Gretel with the bread crumbs. I led her outside. Made her walk. She is very reluctant. She is wobbly. I've been sobbing the whole time. I told her you get a big piece if you pee for me. She did it straight away. She was refusing water initially but I made special chicken broth water and took it to her in her bowl, placing it under her chin and she drank it all up. I got a torch and my good eye glasses and checked her out again. I can see a cut on one of her paws. It is deep. No blood though. I'm baffled. She was jumping around last night as happy as a clown. I checked her teeth they are ok. I stretched out each leg to see if she would flinch. She didn't. She licked my hand and just wants to sleep. Her breathing is not laboured. It is a total mystery. HOW DO I STOP THAT VOICE IN MY HEAD? I wish I could. Asthma, diabetes, thyroid disease, mucosal fibroids, a hernia growing on my bowel resection and breast cancer among other things. Now my Raya. No cause obvious at all. I can't lose her. I'd do anything for her. Why? why today of all days? Why now? Soulmate I will not survive losing her! Can't see to type for tears. Bye for now. Many thanks for your response. Yes I've read the peoples comments. I'm amazed and just keep nodding as I read. Just been told I'm evil for so long. Been told I'm mental for so long. Been told I'm being punished for so long. Last years emergency triple operation. I really am falling apart now. I honestly can't take anymore.

Raya is going to be fine. Infected split in her paw pad.

21 Dec 2024 Not proud. Troubled in fact. I just did something automatically and then sat back and realised that it was quite a bad, bad thing. Yet I have zero remorse. What does this say about me? Adolf left a xmas gift for me from my Sister at the door. Firstly, she hasn't spoken to me nor cared about us in months. Secondly, she sent it to his place! Not my house, not my parcel locker. Why? Psychology please. Is it so that Git yet again can say on repeat to me 'your Sister is lovely she tells me how wonderful I am for visiting your Mother every second day and you are an arsehole'. I'm thinking she wanted the rumour mill to hear through the family grapevine how she (even though her sister disconnected from her) still out of her good, kind, forgiving, thoughtful heart cares so much about me that she sent a gift - VIA THE STEPFATHER! I send no gifts. Can't afford it. Don't want to. So I appear wicked and she is good. So daughter says 'will this be the fifth of the same gemstone to sort out your darkness and magically turn you nice or will this be another free cruise ship complementary cup? go on Mum open it. It has the potential to spoil our Christmas Day so rip the band aid off'. So I did! Now readers will think me a rotten person and this a thoughtful gift. I however see it differently. Perhaps I am twisted and evil. I hold the wrapped package and say to daughter 'I've no need to unwrap it as I know what it is?'. She says 'how?'. I say 'The shape'. She says 'what is your prediction?'. I say a guilt manipulation photo frame. Another one. 'oh no not again. not another photo copied picture in a cheap frame', says daughter. So inside is a photo frame with the worse enhanced picture of Mum I've ever seen. Daughter says 'if you wanted a picture of Nanna then you'd frame one of your own choosing yourself. Doesn't even look like Nanna. We know that photo. The black and white one. So she had somebody colour it up and reprint it. That picture is bloody awful Mum. Nanna looks like satan wearing too much make up. The colours are all wrong'. Yes...her eyes, hair, the flowers (pink my Mum doesn't like pink) all the enhancements changed the whole look from the original. Her expression even appears to have been altered? WTF? I literally had no control over myself. Repeat not proud. I instantly took the back off the frame ripped the photo into pieces and chucked it all in the kitchen bin. Daughter stood agape. It was only when I saw her frozen in time staring at me that I realised what I'd done. Then daughter says 'there is something else small inside the wrapper Mum. You missed it'. 'Oh hell no. You undo it. I don't want to'. I said So inside is a pair of earrings. I don't have my ears pierced. Ummm...daugther says.... there is a handwritten note attached from Aunty. About a year ago I told my Sister when she asked that my fav flower is 'forget-me-nots'. She hadn't heard of them. Unbeknown to Sister. Daughter and I have tried for three years in vain to grow them. Can't survive our climate. Daughter successfully got them to 1 foot tall before they died. I have pictures of them everywhere here. I just love them. She sent me a pair of handmade clay flower earrings it has an etsy stamp on it. They don't look a thing like f-m-nots. The colour is also completely wrong. Her hand written note says 'Letting you know the forget me not is the Dementia flower'. Jeez!!! Thanks a bunch. Way to wreck my love of this flower. I do 'floriography as a hobby'. Thought about being a florist once. That is how I learnt of the fmn flowers in the first place. I just adored their meaning and their five petal promise. Now in my head whenever I look at them is the dementia flower. Daughter knows I wanted them with babies breath for my funeral one day (maybe sooner rather than later who cares?) So I look after Mum all year long and I get an enhanced picture of Mum that looks nothing like her and a pair of earrings that apparently represent 'dementia'. So consensus please? Am I a rotten, ungrateful, evil, bitch? Tell me the truth. I can take it! Daugher said 'Mum...take the positive from this. She tried. It is the first time she actually put in effort and probs because you've cut her off. Heck she actually spent money on you this time'. Too little, too late for me. I'm angry. I'm hurt. Nope this present is not going to fix a thing.

I'm being harsh. I know. I didn't throw it away in a temper. I just didn't want it. I wanted a Sister. A person whom I could talk to (back & forth with her troubles, my troubles etc) without judgment or name calling. I didn't want an online shopper with more money than brains. I'm in a mood. Bet it shows. Last couple of days have been a trial. Daughter ok today but heck she has been horrid in the last 24-48 hours. I'm over tired. The new neighbours are dreadful and the fighting, yelling, screaming never stops. Her boyfriend is evil. A really bad bloke. Gives you goosebumps. I'm a bit burnt out. The Nursing Home did not go well yesterday and I'm disappointed because I put great effort in and I sold things to afford the taxi as my breast is now lumpy, bruised and sore as they warned me it would be. Heatwave so couldn't walk the 1klm to the bus stop. Mum was super depressed, sobbing. Disinterested in her xmas gifts. Wouldn't eat the gingerbread I made at 4am and took a batch for the whole ward. She is furious that she is still in there for another Christmas. She showed ZERO DEMENTIA. Asked me to get her shoes from her room, tell them we are going for a walk in the garden and take her to the bus stop so that she can live with us. When I said 'sorry Mum but that can't happen' well she got really upset, angry and mean. I don't hold it against her. She is home sick. She remembered EVERYTHING yesterday without hiccup. She remembers the day she was tricked and taken there. Thought the ambos & Git were driving her home. The whole situation and Mums dementia does MY head in. She said she is hating my Brother, my Sister and Git. She told me her reasons. This was without instigation of conversation topic nor any encouragement from me. I always try to keep her off topics which will trigger her. She noticed my bruised arms & then the bandage on my breast when I leant forward to pick up her shoes for her. My dress gaped. I told her. She won't remember next day anyways. Her response as two words only and then a change of topic 'bloody hell'. I visited with another patient on the next level down (not in the high security, far gone, mental ward that Mum is in). Mums in the worst ward in the Nursing Home! We (daughter & I) visit Joyce with our dogs often. She loves them. She has her full faculties. In there as she was in a car crash and can't walk or shower without aid. Her chest caved in with the steering wheel and she can't eat normally either. Her head (as she says is tip top condition). Well she told me how she watched Mum try to escape again and saw the staff catch her when she was watching out her bedroom window. She told me that Mum visits her now. Mum recited the door security codes and they didn't notice her gone for ages. Joyce & Mum talked for ages apparently. Their third meeting up. Joyce said she wished she could walk to be able to go to Mum for a chat. Joyce said she's heard things about Mums ward and is it true? They hit, bite, kick, scream, scratch, punch and can't do anything for themselves. Not even talk normally but garbled. So Joyce & Mum have been chatting about their childhoods etc. She asked me 'are you sure your Mum needs to be here? She said their conversation was very normal and sensible. She noted Mum walks without aid, showers, feeds herself, toilets etc. Joyce stated your Mum doesn't appear to have advanced dementia to me so why is she locked up in that horrid high security ward?'. She said 'your stepfather pops his head in sometimes. I'm not keen on him'. That was enlightening information. Poor Mum. It gets worse. She tried to climb and jump off the balcony AGAIN. The ward has had maintenance men shut in the balcony. Staff angry that it cost the Nursing Home heaps of money for the work and now nobody gets to breathe fresh air or watch the traffic or goings on because of Mum. Mum herself hates the tighter security measures and says 'now I can't even watch the real world anymore'. Staff were pretty down on her yesterday. She is making things worse for herself. Telling staff they aren't doing their jobs right and bossing them around. That is Mum! Not dementia! She fell out of her bed and has bruises on her legs. Apparently she climbed the chair in her room & was trying to break the glass of her window using a heavy, based ceramic plant pot she nicked from one of her walks in the garden. She was super proud of the info which I'm about to type. Began with 'don't worry I've no intention of hitting you'. Staff confirmed to me. Her tale is true. She hit Pam! Another inmate. Pams face is black, blue, yellow, green. All around her eye and down her cheek. I was horrified. Mum was soooo happy with herself. She said 'I did that to her face. I slogged her! I've told that old b*tch to keep out of my private room a million times and to stop taking my things. I catch her in my wardrobe often. Whenever I go for a walk and return she in my room. That'll teach her. She had it coming! Gee it felt good. Then I pulled her by her dress over to my bedroom door and shoved her out! I told her come in here again and it will go worse for you next time Kleptomaniac'. That confirms where her Birthday Gifts went I reckon. She said 'I got a long lecture from the staff about physically harming another patient but I pretended I had no recollection of any of it. Got to use this dementia to my benefit.' When I first arrived at the Home yesterday she was break your heart sad yet she gave me a laugh. Her face was wet with tears. In her hand was a wad of wet, disintegrating, over used tissues. I turned right into her ward and instantly noticed that she wasn't there in the common room & presumed she was in her bedroom. Behind me I heard my name and then 'is that you? turn around, I've been walking behind you. I knew it was you as nobody in this world other than you would ever wear that much pink'. LOL

OMG...sigh... I just spent an hour doing a message for here (for once not about myself) but in response to your chat with heisenberg and asking about the merriment christmas chat event. So often this site makes your entries disappear when you hit the 'click once to submit'? I hold my breath each time. Alas, it is gone. Lost to the abyss again. It was a good response. You'd have been proud of me. 3am so off I go to bed disappointed for once I wasn't being my usual pain in the butt self. You may have liked me better. Bugger it. Darn technology.

Submission lost. I feel deflated. I'll just say I was super appreciative of your wonderful advice for heisenberg. Helped me with regards to sister today. I felt a Christmas wobble of forgiveness. The Gods seem to have punished me for being a hog LOL

In these wee small hours I'm my truest self. Not frazzled by daughter, dogs, chores. I really open up. I can't tell you how often those 'best' entries just go up in smoke when I hit 'submit'. I don't copy them or keep them anywhere due to daughter's snooping so sadly lost forever. Cosmos letting me know you're a bit sick of me perhaps? I've leave you in peace.

Please tell me more about the cats you feed. When you get a moment. Sorry you've been getting 'hoovered'. Would like to get to know you well. It is hard only talking about myself so much. That Moderator and Problem Child situation.

Am I truly welcome to come on the Christmas Chat Fun Thread? Please don't say 'yes' out of pity. If I'm not a fit then I'm not a fit. If I'm too old and like a Grannie. I get it. I wouldn't be a buzz kill. Promise.

Been reading here.... Breast hurts for taking it easy Give you a laugh (I hope) eyes not properly open I did my usual morning routine and began making my first cuppa tea of the day and Raya's breakfast. Sat down to read more of Peeps Probs. Took a sip & spat it across the room. I had added a spoon of Raya's Chicken Bone Broth Mix into my cup as if it was coffee! May have found the cure for Breast Cancer! I'll be rich LOL PS I don't wish to step on long established relationships and toes but I wanted to say Lils Wedding sounds like it will be magical. I love reading it all. The venue, the dress, the lighting, the music choices. She sounds just lovely! Like a daughter for you. Dishy well the name says it all. He is just so supportive. SOOOO ROMANTIC! Please pass on my congratulations to the lovely couple. Also, congratulations to you Soulmate for being a supportive surrogate Mother/Father whichever gender identity you go by. I'm always in trouble over that aren't I? Don't really ever know which to say. Old World Lady never gets it right. I never intentionally mean to not be inclusive. No disrespect. Back to subject: I'm so happy for them. I just adore weddings. My daughter has 'no intension ever of hooking up with a partner'. When she was three she use to sit on her favourite chair and swing her legs calling out loudly 'now I'm nasty, now I'm nice'. Another favourite of hers was... 'no marriage, no kids, I'll be a star hooray!' and she'd clap her hands. She has always been unique LOL

Hey, Please I just type out my thoughts so no need to feel obligated to respond. Busy time. Happy time for most. Just can't even talk to my daughter about today's news. She begins with how she doesn't want to hear and then what is wrong with me. Another Git episode. I'm feeling pretty low. It is hard. All these changes I'm implementing are very difficult. I've always felt the odd one out and been picked on but I made a Christmas Effort for ALL. So I hear they are having a Christmas Gathering and he's invited. He's buying gifts and alcohol at the shops as I type. For the past decade he sat on his a*se doing f*ck all. This man NEVER opens his wallet. Now he is swimming in my Mother & Grandparents money and quote buying Spirits for everybody and doing my gift shopping. I cooked, I bought gifts, I wrangled dogs & daughter to Mums place in a taxi always heat waves here at this time of year. Mum was always crying and in a bad mood. Git was always on his a*rse doing nothing. Daughter was always complaining at one hundred gripes a minute. I did it all. Decorations, Christmas music, paper plates, table cloth, bon bons. The works! They NEVER gave us a thing! No gifts in return. Then an exhausted us would get another taxi home & just die of exhaustion. This is a bitter pill to swallow. They (this Family) has NOT gotten together for a Christmas in decades. Quote my Mum each year 'you are all we have'. It was just the 4 of us & the dogs. I feel very used. I took all the verbal insults and still tried to be upbeat. After all it was Christmas right? Apparently, they all involved. Bro, Sis, Aunt and neighbours. This is a WOW & shock to me. But whilst I'm feeling low & sorry for myself. Daughter doesn't give a hoot! That is obvious. She's also said as much. No what she said is 'well done Mum you've cost us the final chance to ever get any money'. The one I'm really feeling for is my Mum. I'm welling up. Nursing Home told me that she physically attacked Git today. I did snigger with delight. She slapped him repeatedly around the head and shoulders and telling him he is a bastard and to just go, get out, leave. The Staff comforted HIM! Telling him it is just a stage of dementia. It bloody well IS NOT! She is broken. Her Spirit is crushed. She knows what he has done. Apparently it was when he told her he couldn't stay long 'cause he needed to go buy the Christmas gifts and Spirits that she lost her temper. Apparently Sister was on Speaker on the phone at the time and heard it all. Everybody thinking he is the victim of a mad woman. She is the 100% victim of him. But it sticks in my gut like a knife because she chose him. She bought him in. She signed his name on all the dotted lines. She left her children without an inheritance because this man, her next of kin got the lot when she was declared 'unable to make her own decisions due to fast paced advanced Dementia'. I'll NEVER get over any of this! That a husband can have a domestic dispute with his wife (who is 3 years older), it started as a verbal row, she wanted him to leave her home she wanted a divorce. He shook her, he shoved her and she fell backwards hitting her head on the tiles. Bruises on arms & massive egg on back of head. She was dazed yet called the Police. She was sobbing yet managed to phone me. An ambulance took her away to Hospital. He gave his statement that due to mental illness she attacked him and he was only defending himself. They Police declared it to the hospital as 'Carer's Fatigue'. I gave my statement to both Police & Hospital. Males all of them. Not a bloody female to be had. Then I gave my statement to the Social Welfare Worker who was sent down to me in the Hospital - another bloody male who was super condescending. The rest as they say is history. This tiny, bone showing, thin, wearing away woman was sent from Hospital to the High Security Mental Ward of the Nursing Home never to be released. In the past 16 months she has improved. Her hair is coming back in black through the grey, thicker, healthier. She has put on weight now fed properly with 3 good meals a day & snacks in between. Not cheese and cracker biscuits followed by an Ice-block which is what she got at home. Now she is properly medicated for depression. Now she sees a Doctor every week. He wouldn't take her when I asked him to, Sister asked him to, Aunt asked him to. She is on a ward where there is nobody SANE to talk to. She showers herself, does all self care. She cleans her room daily. She makes the other patients beds for them and tidies up the common room. It is criminal. He literally is lighter in his step, smiling, happy & making comments like I have more money than I can spend now ha, ha you two can't rub two sticks together for warmth I've got air conditioning now. To my daughter when he bumped in to her at the grocery store just last week. He said 'oh my god cheese was just $12 the same one your Grandmother use to buy for $7 at the time. Daughter said 'yep. we can't afford cheese this fortnight nor coffee its price has gone through the roof'. He responded with 'ha, ha I can afford both cheese & coffee. I got the large jar sucks to be you' Yes it does 'suck' to be me. Wish I could save my Mum but she back stabbed me at the hearing. I think she had been coached by the female Staff second in command at the Nursing Home to the owner. A single Mum with an 8 year old daughter. I believe he may be seeing her. She hates me! Is rude to me. When I ask to be put through to mums room on the phone she hangs up every single time. Git is Dressing better (Mums money), went to the barber and got a new hair style (Mum money), restaurant receipts daughter saw. He NEVER opens his wallet unless it is for himself (Mums money). I haven't explained this one here yet. I suspect I'm right though. He talks about her all the time. She is the one he was hugging to thank for caring for Mum. He always puts his arm around her waist. Far out! This life is just rolling me.

I do realise my response to JoeC65 was harsh and out of line. I am sorry I did that. I placed an apology on Joe's thread.

Dear Soulmate I realised the moment I pressed 'submit' with my response to Joe that I was way out of line and showing bias. I knew there would be fall out & repercussions to my poorly written response. I desperately tried to find where a responder could erase/remove their answer after submitting but I couldn't find a way. I was literally waiting for the rightfully earnt slap on the wrist. I was trying to be helpful responding but I knew I was not in the right frame of mind that evening/day to do so. I have read/re-read your points to me and accept that I truly f*cked up. I am not a person who should be responding. I've known that/felt this the whole way along. Hope I didn't harm JoeC65. I was actually triggered by an experience which my daughter & I had a few years back on Christmas Eve (ironically). This is not an excuse from me in an attempt to be let off lightly for my in poor taste response to Joe. We (daughter & I) went to a warehouse on Xmas Eve having a massive Christmas Lights sale. The woman on the cash register (the only one working there) was shockingly abrasive. When any customer wanted help with a question or finding something she bluntly responded to them. She even turned the Christmas music that had been playing with a loud 'F*ck that shit!'. There were little children shopping excitedly (being xmas eve) with their parents who overheard her language and attitude. When my daughter asked for help finding a particular type of lights the woman was beyond rude. My daughter said 'well you are literally the Grinch and why the heck did you take this job to ruin Christmas for everybody else'. She immediately grabbed a tissue from a box & ran out the back. Leaving the shed unattended and a long line of customers waiting with stock in hand and nobody to ring it up. Customers put their items back or dumped them on the counter and left. My daughter went outside in the shade to calm down as she was really angry at the woman. We'd caught a taxi there at great expense to get the special lights. I stayed and waited for her to return. A man of about 60 years of age seemed to appear out of nowhere. He began helping the few people who remained. I was last in line of 5 customers. By now the warehouse shed was empty of other shoppers. I said 'do you mind Sir if I ask why you hired somebody who clearly hates Christmas to work here on Xmas Eve?'. He responded with 'yes...I can see how you'd be wondering that. I apologise for her being rude and she just cost me an awful lot of sales as I'm the owner. I've sent her home. I was out the back having a coffee break. You see her husband died a week before Christmas last year in a car accident. To make matters worse her only son committed suicide only three nights ago and she found his body hanging in their house. She now has nobody left as they were her only family. She insisted on working for me today as she didn't wish to be home alone. I knew it was a mistake but I simply couldn't refuse her.' I felt just awful and told the owner as much. I asked if he was sure she'd left to go home. He said yes as he'd watched her drive off. I wanted to go to her and invite her to our house. Anyways, I was thinking of that when I read that Joe raised his voice at the cranky lady. It is Christmas Morning here in Australia Soulmate and I've been holding my breath knowing your disappointment in me and lecture would be forth coming. I did bad. I own it. I am sorry. Hope your parsnips turn out delicious LOL Cheers & Merry Christmas, DD Perhaps the DD stands for 'dreadful disaster'. My Mum use to say 'I wish I hadn't given you a name that begins with the letter D as you're a bit of a disaster' LOL

Heya! "'ll just say I was super appreciative of your wonderful advice for heisenberg. Helped me with regards to sister today. I felt a Christmas wobble of forgiveness. " Well, that was lucky! I'll be with you tomorrow. PS: Sorry I had to pull you up over your last 3 lines to Joec65 because, as I've said over there - other than that your response was great!....but - dem's da roolzs. Not a big issue, though...just a touch of suddenly scarpering up the tree and throwing bananas at him (LOL); and I'm sure Joe will understand now.

Feeling rather hurt. Getting to the crux of the matter as a long term member of this forum I was left totally alone. Knowing there was to be an online link up which even newbies were invited to yet I was left out. Felt ignored, overlooked and my feelings neglected. Feel 'not good enough' to be included. Not up to par. Didn't pass muster. Not your calibre. Hence these comments on the 19th December: Listen up, you, missus stubborn. NO MORE APOLOGISING FOR IMAGINERY OFFENCES etc Seriously, DD, please stop it. To *Healthies, it's actually highly repulsive and frustrating in equal measure. Sorry, but it is. Left feeling like an *unhealthy human (reference above). Rather repulsive. Abandoned and not worthy of anybody's time on a problem forum which is according to its long introduction page specifically for the purposes of supporting others during their most difficult times. Nobody seems to be interested in talking to me other than Soulmate. I've heard the reasons but it seems more than a bit deliberate. Odd. I was however asked to help out by Soulmate and answer other people's entries over the Christmas period as it is widely recognised as a significantly difficult time of year for many. I let Soulmate know in the week leading up to Christmas how I was wobbling. Struggling. She/he knew we were going to be TOTALLY ALONE this year and left out of Family Festivities. I'd estranged myself from them for three months based off the advice of Soulmate. Even though it was hard for me and against my nature to do so. Therefore any support or quick check in on this forum would have been appreciated. An acknowledgement. A sincere hello and how are you doing? I knew you were still sick yourself and I was hoping you were going along alright health wise. I guessed you were ok as you mentioned preparing vegetables. I noted long responses to others were given on many dates around Christmas Day. From the 19th December to the 28th December so far 9+ days I have had no communication from anyone on this 'People's Problems Chat Site'. With the exception of a quick wrap over the knuckles message because when I was very low/down well I slipped up with an inappropriate comment in response to a post. Soulmate knew I was struggling. Still nothing. This lecture from Soulmate was given on the 25th December (Christmas Day). Even though I'd offered sincere Christmas Wishes in my correspondence it was not reciprocated. Not even the two simple words 'Merry Christmas'. CONTD.

Not even a quick 'how are you doing?'. I understand it is a celebratory time with family and friends but I must have misunderstood that it was a forum who wanted to make themselves available for others who aren't as fortunate and have no supportive/loving family and friends throughout the Holiday Season. I now understand and comprehend fully my worth here. It is blatant. Made crystal clear. I was under the miscomprehension that I had a stranger out there willing to give me their full support. That is what I was told. I was also told to go ahead write it all out purge. Then I was told it was too much to read through. I was told I am here for you. Obviously not. I was told that I'd have to 'earn' to be a 'friend' and it would not be automatically given. For anybody who cares reading this I was severely depressed on Christmas Day and Boxing Day. The week leading up to Christmas had been horrific. Family abuse and drama. Four full body scans and other investigative procedures at the Hospital. A long bus trip into the Breast Clinic in Town for a Cancer Biopsy (results given on December 23rd via phone) and dealing with a severely depressed and angry Mother at her Nursing Home. Horrific heat waves and dangerous super cell storms still ongoing. I guess this entry may be considered a self 'Pity Party'. It isn't. I'm strong. Good thing I am. I just felt I should address a 'problem' on this 'People's Problem' Page. Barbara signing off now. People who need people are the luckiest people in the World.

Heya! Have to be VERY quick to beat being spat-out again! So much for the Xmas thread! Lost my internet power on Christmas bloody Eve, didn't I, having run too low of data allowance, so I and guests had to switch to my hot spot, which then also ran out in nano-seconds (they had to online work while they were ¡here). Been trying to log-on but it would just sit there as a blank screen or wouldn't complete a post-load attempt. Haven't read anything of anyone's yet but - please could you do me a strawberry flavour, Dee, and copy and paste this into the threads of all my other regulars so that they know I'm not ignoring them?... pretty-please, will give you my last Starburst (and it's a strawberry lol)? I get my new data allowance either 1st or the 2nd (can't remember which) so I'll see you then. PS: Fate decided you were right, look, and forced a break on me whether I bloomin' like it or not! (After you with the crystal-ball.)

Yusssss! Houston, we have internet (and full mobile hotspot) back! It wasn't just the data, but, I told son he and gf are going to have to bring their own extra data allowance next time, but which I'll pay for, as there's no imprompty topping-up with my contract, you just have to permanently upgrade to the next package-size up (that'd be right, *rolls eyes*), but that'd mean paying for a monthly data allowance that I didn't need or use up the rest of the year, so that's no good. But by god, that was frustrating, cos my techie is a Spaniard and their Xmas is from Eve until - (get this) the EIGHTH OF JANUARY is when they re-open for business, so I owe him one for coming out specially (eventually). If you ask me, Techology is more trouble than it's worth. But aaanyhoo - without further ado - let me catch-up with what's been happening with you... I'll have to be quick 'tonight' (cos look at the time, yikes), but I'll continue tomorrow and the weekend with my initial responses and then go back over the finer details: _______________________________________________________ SONGBIRD - Dec 19 2024 at 04:43 You handled Git well, and, mate, that is NOT "being nasty". That is you, refusing to reward consistently, prolongedly, very bad behaviour. You standing-up for yourself, finally. And you handled it WELL. Me, from what I've gathered about how incredibly TWO-way sensitive and deeply loyal Raya is, to point of humanly empathetic towards you - I think the reason you can't identify anything wrong with her is because she's coming out in sympathy with you. (What breed is she again?) Anyway, remember: Narcs are highly convincing actors and have looking like little lost and heartbroken boys down to a Tee - particularly at his age. They try to evoke pity in you because when we pity, we're disarmed (impossible to be angry when someone's already down) (with us healthily empathetic ones, anyway). Note he wanted to say, You won't hear from me again, but didn't?...instead, added, unless it's an emergency. (Define emergency.) As you can probably now realise: he 'needs' you FAR more than you do him (and that's always the way). Anyway! 10 out of 10 for that one! Well done! I'm glad Daughter was too chicken. Now you've done it, you'll find it a lot easier, and WON'T be lost for what to do if she's not there. It'll have had far more of an impression on him anyway, the fact you didn't need a sidekick - trust me on that. And look how it went: you beat him hands-down, to where he had nowhere to go but to play wickle boy in the hope of triggering your motherly instinct including needless guilt that you were picking on a poor wickle kiddie, aahh (puke). And trust me on this too, Dee: ANY self-respecting woman (OR man) would have told him straight like that in that situation, particularly by now. If you HADN'T, I'd have been a bit frustrated and disappointed. In fact, considering everything - HE GOT OFF VERY LIGHTLY. You could have really laid into him. And - yeah!...You haven't got room for TWO cancers! So you zapped and shrank the nearest-accessible one, LOL. Good work. And frankly, it was overdue. Don't forget: Be a mirror. Nice To You gets Nice Back. Nasty to You gets Nasty Back (but maturely, superiorly). Make them reap what they sow AS they sow. And no, it doesn't make you the bad one that you're getting pelted right now. It means you're being worked-out at the extra-heavy-duty, de luxe gym because you'll need bigger, harder muscles in the future (which doesn't automatically mean, for a bad thing; could be challenging but really positive and joyous). Anyway, if it were a bad thing then you would have got neither the result nor the opportunity to gain it in the first place (and with the beneficial timing), which is, having put Git firmly behind boundary lines so that you can get on with healing. That's NOT a negative result. Just means painfulness of pulled muscles (for a while). It FEELS like punishment (remember, I've been through that years-long tunnel) but it's because of heightened sensitivities and sensibilities plus having to be in defense mode, meaning, if you were tickety-boo - yes, the cancer would still throw you, but you'd have felt less thus 'felt less' like you were being a cow or something. It's impacting you harder and therefore feels REALLY BIG. Basically, you simply told a nasty, shockingly mean and insensitive prat to piss or get off the pot and leave you alone, to save your own life (you need all your energy now). Different if he hadn't done anything lately, or for ages, or ever. So - "oh no, oh, gosh - yeah....whadda b*tch you are", haha. GOOD. More of that, please, bartender! Nay worries....practise makes perfect and lemon-squeezy. :) And then you won't ever again find yourself almost inextricably tied to 'anchors'. Seriously...imagine if you weren't so deep and sensitive and, as soon as he'd started being funny all those years back, had told him to basically eff-off and stop being such a prat, or laughed in his face (etc.), whereby he could tell it was pointless picking on you because it ended up not worth his while? (...which, it soon won't be). This is why you were the perfect target - and why you were Scapegoat. The deep, sensitive and massively caring one always is. Because you're easier to affect/upset and get (or detect) a reaction out of - which (drama and ability to upset thus control their target's mental welfare) is what they're addicted to doing (hence why you're called his Supply). It makes them feel better (for a bit). People who aren't so sensitive (which quality goes hand-in-hand with high intelligence) make time-wasting supply so are rejected as Scapegoat/Punching-Bag. You stayed calm but no-frills assertive/dominant (no screaming/histrionics/tears) AND LESS SENSITIVE. You just told it like it's gonna be, meaning, he FAILED to get his usual Dopamine Cocktail fix. Hence why he turned-on the hurt little boy face (which is just the next tack in their limited bag of tricks - lick-lick/bash-bash/boo-hoo/Silent Treatment and repeat (order can vary). Think regular bar-fly and alcoholic, desperate for a fix but penniless and refused any more credit by the bar-owner, but whom starts proposing then beseeching then throwing a tantrum then turning on the croc tears. See how it fits? Because he's a Dopamine addict as well as everything else wrong with him. You need to read up on his type more so that you'll know where he's coming from, no matter his aim and approach. For starters - they can't be hurt like you or I because they literally switched off their emotions as kids besides anger and fear (like a newborn baby). They're just 'walking mega-resentment and mega-jealousy' with no finer feelings (malignants like him) to step in and stop him. Really, he doesn't feel anything, except, Do as I say - I wannit so, gimmie (or else). He's a neglected spoiled brat. Now adult-sized. Suggest it's time you forced yourself until it takes, to cease giving a flying duck over anything he says, thinks or does/fails to do. He's a vindictive mental patient who has yet to be frog-marched to the doctor's, diagnosed and sectioned behind closed gates, meaning, getting to walk amongst us working humans and cause pain and chaos for-kicks. Which is all his brain can do now. Got it? Not worth listening to - blah-blah-cluck-cluck-moo-buck-buck-oink-cuckoo... Same goes for those other 'escaped mental patients' - blister and bother-in-law. And bother and blister-in-law... The entire lot of them. With your cancer, you really need to go No Contact for a while. "HOW DO I STOP THAT VOICE IN MY HEAD? I wish I could." The voice saying what? Did you mean - that you must be being punished? No. Again - it's aid and reward but it's 'punishing'. Because nothing in life worth having is easy to get. No Pain - No Gain (whatever's coming). "I honestly can't take anymore." Then keep going... KEEP throwing some things out of your little row-boat to make it lighter and easier/faster to row. All the drags. They're all too evilly but ridiculously childish anyway. New book title suggestion: My Family & Other Lunatics. They really, really, ARE........ mad. Do you understand and accept that yet? Because it's the minute you do that you find you can't be arsed to have any interactions with them - because all of it is pointless and futile and just creates negativity, mess and chaos that in fact is needless and frankly should never feature in this life. In fact, that'd be a good retort to any attempt at contact: "Cuck-oooooo!"... or "Cuckoo to you too" (click-brrrr...../slam). Me, I've been known to just start barking loudly like a dog, in their face: RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrUFF! Ruff-ruff-ruff-ruff-ruff! (I do really good dog and cat impressions, see.) Some go - YOU'RE MAAAD! So I just quip: Yeah, you have that effect (slam/click-brr). And you can add, 'And behind your back, everyone agrees!' (because they have a comorbidity of Paranoid PD so that really sets the silent cat amongst the unspoken pigeons with the others, haha......you're nowhere near powerless). Kid you not. Like I say - try to have fun with it. It makes no difference to them WHAT or in WHAT style you do; they're going to hate you no matter ANYTHING; you're not the reason, you're just the dumping-ground (repeat: because you're a deeply caring type and they wish they were normal and able to feel things - cos you imagine day after day not experiencing emotions unless you seek reasons to become angry/fearful - which takes over-dramatism). But it makes a difference TO YOU. I repeat: IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE *TO YOU*. 'Kay? Understand? Next time, tell him he can't come in cos he smells funny. Even that'll do. Or just - No. Because we don't like you. Because you're horrid. (slam) (Continuing tomorrow...) _______________________________________________________

"So consensus please? Am I a rotten, ungrateful, evil, bitch? Tell me the truth. I can take it!" Nope! Not in that or previous cases, no. You're just extremely reactive and emotional - but you know that, right? And you know why (being kept wound-up by them all the time, even still having them feature in your life thus in your head). But anyway... Ever talked resentfully/blown-off steam about Friend A to Friend B? Ever wondered why you didn't just confront the antagonist directly? Answer: because you didn't mean it, you were just blowing off steam, so why upset the friend needlessly if you can instead have a quick vent and reality-reassurance from the sympathiser? Now apply that to this indirect "Xmas" present from Blister. They NEED you as the dumping-ground. Plus, if you keep them away from you from now on (unless and solely if they're being nice)- guess who'd go immediately from (role) Golden Child to new Scapegoat? This is her (skewed, cowardly, bet-hedging thus self-sabotaging) thinking: In case the gift fails to pull on your guilt-strings and have you calling (re-starting contact) - there's an insult in the gift for you...because that provocation might then succeed. They don't care if the re-connection is positive/kind or negative/unkind - both are attention and reassurance that they can pull you back by the strings, still. Auntie's gift was ALL about provocation. The Altzheimer's Society may have ADOPTED the Forget-Me-Not (like gays did the Rainbow) (and Swingers, the Pampas Grass (- sign) on the front lawn), but THIS is what Forget-Me-Nots symbolise, EC-TUALLY: "Forget-Me-Not Symbolism Forget-me-nots symbolize true love and respect. When you give someone these tiny blooms, it represents a promise that you will always remember them and will keep them in your thoughts. They are also considered a symbol of fidelity and faithfulness." But - nice try them (:pppp). Probably at this stage, they'd have to send a briefcase full of 100 Dollar bills, eh, before you'd throw away all your hard, hard work to-date. Quite right, too, because it's priceless. ...ergo... "Daugher said 'Mum...take the positive from this. She tried. It is the first time she actually put in effort and probs because you've cut her off. Heck she actually spent money on you this time'. WRONGGGGGGGGGGG! Again, if she spent money because she cared, she'd have delivered the damn thing herself and the 'gift' would NOT have been sent while ABUSING Christmas and gift giving for nefarious, Controlling reasons, nor would have (both) deliberately represented insulting provocations. We know darn well that if you or I were sending that photo frame for loving reasons, we'd have taken one look at that print-out pic and gone, NO WAY. And that if we expected her to love it - we'd want to take credit for it and see the smile over the gesture, for ourselves, PHYSICALLY, IN-PERSON. And now look at who was chosen as Delivery Boy. (How many affronting provocation is that?) It was probably a cast-off gift...unwanted. Maybe even Auntie's too. They do that. IN which case: "Too little, too late for me." THLUP! "I'm angry. I'm hurt." THLUP! (normal emotional reaction - allowed; also the correct thus healthy one) "Nope this present is not going to fix a thing." THLUP-THLUP-THLUP-THLUP-THLUP!!! 10 out of 10 again!

So in summary - you've progressed to "Feeling the fear/hurt/anger, and doing it (keeping away) anyway". That means you're bravery and self-confidence has SHOT up! (No wonder you're experiencing growing-pains and pulled muscles, going at this rate!) (No bad thing- you'll live. ;)) If you keep that up, you'll transform your life and how you feel about it (either order) within the next 6mths to a year, freeing-up an amazing amount of energy and positivity for healing as well as then (think squished pot plant that's given room to flourish) blooming. Which is isn't rocket-science when, THEY de-transformed it in the first place, izzit. You've turned a corner now, so daughter now needs to be listening to you and taking YOUR word for it. (And then she'll get re-used to you being the leader of the pack (like your dogs have no problem in recognising). As it should be.) All looking very good in the outback hood. (continued...)

Bloody 'ell mate, you've posted LOOOADS! Haven't read ahead, still, just the amount that whizzes past my eyes as I work my way back up to where I left-off before submitting! (I'm gonna need a bigger "butt"!) On which note: As you type your responses, remember you've got to press down Ctrl and tap A (to highlight All) followed by tapping C (to copy), and do it intermittently all the way to the end. That way, if at whatever stage you lose it, you can just do the Ctrl but this time tapping V (to paste it back in). 10p, please.

Sorry - didn't finish my sentance: "Now apply that to this indirect "Xmas" present from Blister." She doesn't mean it (the niceness) either. The GOOD news, however, is this: If they've by now believed (which your behaviour is supporting) that you've hit Eff It All/Everyone Petty/Taxing Eff Off point, mentally, then your illness, too, is a threat to them. Because, again, the LAST thing they want is to lose your vital part in their mentally-ill dynamic as the Family (Faminely) Scapegoat ....the toxins dumping-ground/toilet so they can bear to 'put on niceness', their good behaviour/decency, as well as, their pretenses at liking any other people, which complicitness on your part relied on you believing it had to somehow be your fault/failure too to get you to open your loo lid to begin with (or you'd have kept it stubbornly shut...think about it). So whether they're under threat of losing you because it's your decision, or because the cancer could 'lose you', isn't the point. They now have a direct and very vested interest in getting you back onto your feet so that they can kick and puke into you all over again. Expect more gifts and offers of aid and support. Not to your degree - just the minimum it'd take to speed things up. Mega-Love-Bombing. So this, usually, is where you start to cash-in and get payback (aka long-overdue reciprocity - INCLUDING the money you wasted on them over the years). Once this starts or becomes obvious - as long as in your head, you've disconnected, that's fine. You just sit there and let them do all the running ("Ask for nothing - Offer nothing" is your mantra for this). You're now using THEM - to finally-FINALLY get what's owed you. And that's just fair. They'd just be evening the score somewhat...erasing their debt and returning stolen goods. (And note - Narcs feel they're owed when they're not. Diff/diff: YOU. ARE. And that's why your physical self has been paying the price.) So at the end of it - you'd owe them nothing, meaning, STILL at-liberty to break off relations/contact abruptly OR shuffle rapidly away under loads of plausible excuses. If you want to. WHICH YOU WILL. Because here's the closing truth...the denouement...the unexpected plot-twist: When your abuser(s!) suddenly, magically manages to treat you right, even perfectly - like how you always dreamed - or even halfway! - and keep it up for a properly extended period (which again is because "the" threat has worked even if yours hasn't) (which lately it has so - ironically it's a win-win situation you find yourself in, i.e. BOTH are starting to work great))...That is when the bottom-ine truth hits you, the victim: You realise it had all - ALL OF IT! - been witting, deliberate, PURPOSEFUL, self-gratuitous yet on another level, also an insanely-childish game that makes them feel THEY'RE getting to even a score (which you had nothing to do with) and proves they're clever (, not mad like they DO suspect)....and that they could have stopped it and been this good THE ENTIRE TIME if they'd wanted. And that's when, if you've up til then avoided accepting that they're a load of malevolent, mal-programmed, highly infectious video-nasties on-legs, you can no longer deny it. Suddenly, they're anywhere between not working-model human beings and evil, but empty, vessels....NO HUMANITY....NO SOUL....the lights are on but no HUMAN is home, save for a wild animal/caveman that looks and speaks like any other normal human. Or androids! And Vampires. ...Feral human mammals that basically weren't reared, civilised nor socialised INTO HUMANS (the soul is supposed to grow up with us). ...And that you may as well have been trying to make friends with and having afternoon tea get-togethers with... your fridge. There's no more purpose nor productive result than that. Plus the damn thing gives you constant electric shocks (which makes your hair fall out). That epiphany is when you feel yourself go INSTANTLY RIGHT OFF them. And see them LITERALLY as wastes of space and oxygen in terms of your having any effect (you're just their toilet and punching-bag). And like I say: often, during your prolonged absence, the Okays but Too Timids finally grow a pair and then get back in contact (and in a way that proves they were healthy or healthy enough to have had ACTUAL potential to grow/strengthen). Takes up to 10 years (like the Chinese have always insisted, over our Western, "hurry-up" culture's 2-5). And by then you're even bigger and stronger so they don't dare be careless enough even to merely let their Narc Fleas jump over to and all over you; otherwise, that could get them ANOTHER X years/a decade without the only nice, kind, intelligent, interesting one of the bunch and instead surrounded by the nasty, tedious, upsetting, boring lot, i.e. another punishing sentance - any or all of whom, they themselves ended-up gradually or abruptly excising from their lives. At the same time, those that NEVER come back, cap-in-hand (genuinely), just confirm to you that you did the right thing. So there's no lose.

Dec 21 2024 at 08:46: "I'm being harsh. I know. I didn't throw it away in a temper. I just didn't want it." Nor would anybody have. "I wanted a Sister. A person whom I could talk to (back & forth with her troubles, my troubles etc) without judgment or name calling." Yup. But your nuclear family's dynamic pitted you kids against each other (how to avoid being next in the narcs' crosshairs, is what started it). So it's a constant competition (except no-one told YOU that). And in competitions, you get judged a lot. (Fits - right?) Usually, deliberately unfavourably or then how could they come out on top. "I didn't want an online shopper with more money than brains." Nope. "I'm in a mood. Bet it shows". Um......... No, actually! (Well, THERE'S massive progress as well, look!!!) "Daughter ok today but heck she has been horrid in the last 24-48 hours." Tsk. What happened and how did you handle it?

PS: What you're doing - and clearly can no longer undo, as in, reverse - is HUGE. None of them would have the balls, let alone that kind of mental strength. This is Titan level. Very, VERY few people have what it takes to do and see this through. And Narcs (where it's mild enough...reversible/self-manageable) literally only learn (by-rote - no deeper than that) from Consequences (because, words being tools and threat-making weapons for them, they suspect the same for you, too (Projection)). This is why you can't lose. Because it's SUCH a winning move. So again.... place yer bets on who's even more desperate than *Adolf, to get you re-enmeshed. Because - to have a scapegoat-any scapegoat, is imperative to their social (and everything-ial) survival. They don't have any other coping mechanisms. (Equally, IMO, the victim could be called a Flannel. The filthy-faced lot make their faces look clean and presentable for "their public" by transferring their dirt, grease and grime onto and into the flannel's surface until it gets into their very fabric. And as the victim-flannel never gets apologised to as well as made-it-up-to - which is, being put into the washing-machine - they slowly-but-surely get so caked in filth that they go hard/stiff, before cracking...the fabric with it, ...and then all-over falling apart (starting with the seams)....and then disintegrating.) Anyway. So Blister is next in-line. She'll then (if she's not too far gone) have to follow your lead - even without you to help! - and shuffle/dump (and learn/transform). You watch how many take your cue. (You start to feel like a mine-shaft, lethal-gas-testing pigeon!...but that's leadership for ya: you always go first, set the example.) ...All the intrinsically healthies, I mean. ...Going, "Baaaaaaaaa!". (Cos I doubt they'll ever be as brave as you.) My point is - this now won't stop with you. It'll go through the whole herd until the 'wheat' are extracted from the 'chaff'. You (and daughter) will be the catalyst to saving the quality (and point) of so many future lives in your lineage. You don't realise how monumental it is until afterwards. And then you get the shock of your life when you realise what you are. Effing powerful! Look at Lily31, eh. :) Look at how she transformed and attracted huge rewards.

PS: "At least daughter said 'stop it Mum! What is happening to you is not a curse nor an act of God. Dogs get sick. Women who just had a procedure lose their balance and hit their head.'" Gold Star for daughter for that one, though. And - look - she just called you Mum this time... and zero sneering nor jeering at your (reactive) neurosis and pessimism, despite probably a bit exasperated at it.... Progress! So it's not a case of 'at least she didn't', it's more an OOH, WHAT A DIFFERENCE, SUDDENLY. (You're - your new attitude and (for you) mercenary behaviour - is starting to have a good effect on her.) Those off-shoot or even unrelated event-ettes, in fact, are just side-details, normal amounts of merely routine 'bad' luck, which you mistakenly lump-in with your "hard-done-by" lot whenever overwhelmed and catastrophising. So, yeah, she was quite right on that one. (thumbs-up)

PS: "So often this site makes your entries disappear when you hit the 'click once to submit'?" It's if you spend a long time or have to break off for a while. The system logs you out yet still shows you as being logged-in. So that's why it's best to do the keyboard-keys block-copy thing. It soon becomes a habit and then second-nature.

(...continued) "I'm over tired. The new neighbours are dreadful and the fighting, yelling, screaming never stops. Her boyfriend is evil. A really bad bloke. Gives you goosebumps." Does it, indeed. Then you know what that means. He's bleeping on your Narcdar. Can't you complain to the council about antisocial neighbours over in Queensland? "I'm a bit burnt out." That's because you just won a match. :D Glib, but true. "The Nursing Home did not go well yesterday and I'm disappointed because I put great effort in and I sold things to afford the taxi as my breast is now lumpy, bruised and sore as they warned me it would be. Heatwave so couldn't walk the 1klm to the bus stop." What did you sell? So how did you get there? "Mum was super depressed, sobbing. Disinterested in her xmas gifts. Wouldn't eat the gingerbread I made at 4am and took a batch for the whole ward." I'm sure she'd have eaten it afterwards. "She is furious that she is still in there for another Christmas." I'll bet! "She showed ZERO DEMENTIA." Look into Narcissistic Victim Syndrom AND Complex PTSD, as well as the (temporary) neurological damage that Narc abuse, years-sustained, produces in victims and see if her symptoms match as well as whether any of them have lowered or disappeared during her time apart from him. "Asked me to get her shoes from her room, tell them we are going for a walk in the garden and take her to the bus stop so that she can live with us. When I said 'sorry Mum but that can't happen' well she got really upset, angry and mean. I don't hold it against her." Not for being upset, no. But for thinking that gives her carte blanche to be nasty. To be an arsehole and cat-kicker, basically. You don't have to be nasty, but, next time, just say a calm, quiet, low-voiced - "DON'T talk to me like that, Mother, or I'll have to cut my visit short". That's what any self-respectful (NON-decades-abused) adult-child would say. That, or, Take that back or I'm going home, and I mean it. Or you could say - Okay, that tells me you're not enjoying having me here so I'll go and just see you next week. You need to put up a forcefield to even unwitting abuse, now, Dee. Insist people around you exhibit grown-up control over their emotional reactions/responses...'force' them under their own radar to form a habit (generally or just around you) of adult self-control. That's how you take the worthy with you (to the top). With real narcs, they'd pretend to be sorry but just keep doing it the next time and the next (diff/all the diff). " She is home sick. She remembered EVERYTHING yesterday without hiccup. She remembers the day she was tricked and taken there. Thought the ambos & Git were driving her home. The whole situation and Mums dementia does MY head in." Well, then, change your attitude. SHE NEEDED TO LEAVE HIM....PRECISELY so that she could finally reverse the damage (or however much of it can be). This is the dementia home's 'secret' agenda alongside the orthodox aims and treatments. These people CAN tell when dementia patients are also abusees, DD. They see it E-VERY DAY, year-in, year-out. And - No Pain (, Mother) - No Gain. This is her being rescued, not incarcerated. Get her to tell you in detail just how NIGHTMAREISH it was, being in that house with him. Get her remembering and commparing and then thanking her lucky stars. "She said she is hating my Brother, my Sister and Git. She told me her reasons. This was without instigation of conversation topic nor any encouragement from me. " Ah - there we go! See? "I always try to keep her off topics which will trigger her." Nope. As above - I think the triggering will do her good now. (It's not always the What, but the When.) "She noticed my bruised arms & then the bandage on my breast when I leant forward to pick up her shoes for her. My dress gaped. I told her. She won't remember next day anyways. Her response as two words only and then a change of topic 'bloody hell'." Not sure how to judge that one. Not enough detail. "I visited with another patient on the next level down (not in the high security, far gone, mental ward that Mum is in). Mums in the worst ward in the Nursing Home!" 'High Security'. Keeping the inside from getting outside or the outside from getting inside in terms of alone and un-listened-to/un-monitored? ( think you'll find it's both. And your mystery package of hospikal goodies just supports that. (Are they still coming? Is that what you've been selling?) "We (daughter & I) visit Joyce with our dogs often. She loves them. She has her full faculties." You're really, really desperate for a capable mum, aren't you, eh? "In there as she was in a car crash and can't walk or shower without aid. Her chest caved in with the steering wheel and she can't eat normally either. Her head (as she says is tip top condition). Well she told me how she watched Mum try to escape again and saw the staff catch her when she was watching out her bedroom window. She told me that Mum visits her now." Oh, good! Good sign! "Mum recited the door security codes and they didn't notice her gone for ages." Haha! (Well done, Mum!) (It was harmless in the grand scheme of things.) "Joyce & Mum talked for ages apparently. Their third meeting up. Joyce said she wished she could walk to be able to go to Mum for a chat. Joyce said she's heard things about Mums ward and is it true? They hit, bite, kick, scream, scratch, punch and can't do anything for themselves. Not even talk normally but garbled." Yeah, but not ALL the time. "So Joyce & Mum have been chatting about their childhoods etc. " And your Mum is really, really desperate for an educated therapist. No wonder all she said was bloody hell. Mind was too engrossed. "She asked me 'are you sure your Mum needs to be here? She said their conversation was very normal and sensible. She noted Mum walks without aid, showers, feeds herself, toilets etc." BINGO! And the rest is just because she's been brought up to be rude and insensitive and aggressive - and the other, including as exacerbators to her Fleas, her (C)PTSD and NVS. "Joyce stated your Mum doesn't appear to have advanced dementia to me so why is she locked up in that horrid high security ward?'. She said 'your stepfather pops his head in sometimes. I'm not keen on him'." BINGO! "That was enlightening information." You mean, enlightening validation of your high suspicions. "Poor Mum." Nooo? Holidaying Mum. Just not a very nice hotel. Respite is what matters, though. "It gets worse. She tried to climb and jump off the balcony AGAIN." OH. Or is that her way of trying to impress upon the staff how desperately she wants out and back home? "The ward has had maintenance men shut in the balcony. Staff angry that it cost the Nursing Home heaps of money for the work and now nobody gets to breathe fresh air or watch the traffic or goings on because of Mum." More like, because they're understaffed. What - you really think your mother is the first to have tried that? PFFFFFF, ollocks is it. How hard would it be (normally) to post a security bloke there on a chair?...which is what other homes do, ffs... that or, an access control pad on the door. Sure, the staff are nice, but - Not very geared-up for dementia patients, are they. "Mum herself hates the tighter security measures and says 'now I can't even watch the real world anymore'. Staff were pretty down on her yesterday. She is making things worse for herself." I agree. She's going about it all the wrong way. We need to have a conversation about this so you can have one with her and show her how to box-clever...and if she CAN'T, she proves she should be in there for longer. "Telling staff they aren't doing their jobs right and bossing them around. That is Mum! Not dementia!" YES - CORRECT - THAT IS A SIGN OF RECOVERY. "She fell out of her bed and has bruises on her legs. Apparently she climbed the chair in her room & was trying to break the glass of her window using a heavy, based ceramic plant pot she nicked from one of her walks in the garden." Wow! "She was super proud of the info which I'm about to type. Began with 'don't worry I've no intention of hitting you'. Staff confirmed to me. Her tale is true. She hit Pam! Another inmate. Pams face is black, blue, yellow, green. All around her eye and down her cheek. I was horrified." Woah. "Mum was soooo happy with herself. She said 'I did that to her face. I slogged her! I've told that old b*tch to keep out of my private room a million times and to stop taking my things." Okay? So why didn't she report the woman to the staff? Or did she, and they did nothing, meaning, had to take things into her own hands (but through a red mist that in fact Adolf should be on the end of)? "I catch her in my wardrobe often. Whenever I go for a walk and return she in my room. That'll teach her. She had it coming! Gee it felt good. Then I pulled her by her dress over to my bedroom door and shoved her out! I told her come in here again and it will go worse for you next time Kleptomaniac'." Well, the woman can't argue with that, eh. Sorry, but I say - if those in protective authority aren't doing what they're being paid to take responsibility for, and do - then you're reliant on yourself unless you want to roll over and take a beating while you lie back and think of England/Australia. ...Depends. On whether she had complained to staff first - and how many times (so they knew it wasn't just dementia talking). "That confirms where her Birthday Gifts went I reckon." Depends. For how long has this woman been helping herself? And did Git know she was? Because I suspected him, and this Klepto would just provide him with Plausible Deniability. (Low Functioning Psychos - whether man-made or born like it - are first and foremost huge opportunists.) Dunno. You have a think. Or ask her for more details. "She said 'I got a long lecture from the staff about physically harming another patient but I pretended I had no recollection of any of it. Got to use this dementia to my benefit.'" WELL, ALRIGHTY, THEN! Definitely needs to box cleverer in that case. At present, she's self-sabotaging IN WITH being clever. "When I first arrived at the Home yesterday she was break your heart sad yet she gave me a laugh. Her face was wet with tears. In her hand was a wad of wet, disintegrating, over used tissues. I turned right into her ward and instantly noticed that she wasn't there in the common room & presumed she was in her bedroom. Behind me I heard my name and then 'is that you? turn around, I've been walking behind you. I knew it was you as nobody in this world other than you would ever wear that much pink'. LOL" She's still got her SOH, then? Question: were they crocodile tears (for the benefit of the staff)? Well, if she's recovering then you need to get in there quick with the puppy training - before she gets out and (possibly, possibly not) reverts to being obnoxious! All the training requires, is - you, standing for zero nonsense and disrespect, as above. She needs to learn that someone loving you - or you loving them - DOESN'T give you a license to take your issues and woes out on them. It's the opposite. The ones you love are the ones you wouldn't want to piss off THE MOST, not the least. That's just taking them for granted and/or believing they wouldn't ever dare keep you at arm's length or leave you, no matter what. Even if victims themselves like to think that's the case - it pigging isn't. Your genes just won't stand for it forever. A case of, When, not If. Haven't you TOLD her you've cut Adolf and the rest of those Nazis out of your life?

PS: "Look into Narcissistic Victim Syndrom AND Complex PTSD, as well as the (temporary) neurological damage that Narc abuse, years-sustained, produces in victims and see if her symptoms match as well as whether any of them have lowered or disappeared during her time apart from him. " Respectively - you want to read Shadhida Arabi, and Rhonda Freeman for the neuro damage.

"The Gods seem to have punished me for being a hog LOL" Never mind 'LOL'. 1. What did I say about calling yourself negative names? 2. What did I say about you 'being a hog'?

"Cosmos letting me know you're a bit sick of me perhaps?" 3. Why do you do that? "I've leave you in peace." 4. And that?

"Am I truly welcome to come on the Christmas Chat Fun Thread? Please don't say 'yes' out of pity. If I'm not a fit then I'm not a fit. If I'm too old and like a Grannie. I get it. I wouldn't be a buzz kill. Promise." WTF??? And what do you think I am - soft? That I invite people because I lack the balls not to, despite I could just say nothing in the first place? Does that sound remotely like me to you? Where's all this suddenly come from? You SURE you're at your best in the wee hours??

PS: Just to remind you: I had no internet nor hot-spot and barely any Whatsapp because my mobile signal kept saying Out Of Service. So I couldn't do the xmas thread in the end. Not that anyone took me up on it or showed any enthusiasm for it at the time of mentioning, anyway. Although that's by-the-by because even if they had, I couldn't even stay connected long enough to READ anything, let alone post. Couldn't see half the screen half the time - or that browser wheel just went round and round before it said Connection Lost. I was completely powerless.

PS - this bit: "I literally had no control over myself. Repeat not proud. I instantly took the back off the frame ripped the photo into pieces and chucked it all in the kitchen bin. Daughter stood agape. It was only when I saw her frozen in time staring at me that I realised what I'd done." That's what I would have done. But I would have been proud of myself. Stood agape in awe, I'm betting - like, Who are YOU, Mother Feisty, and what have you done with Mother Doormat (her proven perception). It's called, standing for zero nonsense and shennanigans and is what you're going to be doing more of (without batting a guilt-ridden eyelid) once you get the hang of it. That's the point of getting free. So you can be - and react - and respond - like a normal human is supposed to. Me, I might even have produced a print-out of HER - and added horns, a moustache, unibrow, zits...you get the gist - put in the frame and sent it back with a note reading: 15-All - your service.

And I'd have done that for MY benefit more than hers. Because it'd MAKE ME LAUGH. And that's what *I* consider the best 'Lemonade' (out of Lemons) out. I repeat: have FUN with it. They can tell. And Laughter is DEFINITELY the best medicine, particularly up against abusers. Because also, you get to out-Narc them when they react badly, by going, 'Godddd, I was only jooo-kinnnng - where's your sense of humour? - you're always so over-sensitive and paranoid...'.

"Please pass on my congratulations to the lovely couple." Will do! "Also, congratulations to you Soulmate for being a supportive surrogate Mother/Father whichever gender identity you go by." I-yam-a Thinggg An-di live-in-a-.... ...what with only one syllable rhymes with 'thing' that's similar to a mole hole - or abode, generally - as in, I am a mole and I live in a hole? Swing? Anyway, it's not about gender identity or political correctness, it's just good internet practise as a regular user plus not about gender where people's problems are concerned. Male or female or anything in between (it's true there's a very fine line anyway) - it's about choosing to be a decent person or the distinct opposite. Gender is too immaterial here. Also, I'm not here to talk about myself. Not while there's work to be done. 'Work first - THEN play' is my life motto. ...Ming (as in vase)? Anyhoo - cheers. I suppose I'm both (which makes 'Mad' or 'Dum' haha!). PS: Crikey, look at the time! (11:19 here) (no, 20)... Good job I slept all day (was re-nipping in the bud cos the 'electric' headache and ear twingeing/crackling was back). Didn't intend to. Set my alarm for 9 but woke at 6pm. I'll just have to have a siesta (and this time set two alarms, good god, haha!). PS: (no, 21)

I'm just numb. Sorry I'm no use to anybody least of all myself. On the 7th I'm supposed to go for an operation to remove 4 hernias. Follow up on the breast situation this week. Just now the Police just left us. Nearly 10pm at night. They were cruising & saw next door on our awning with a drill removing our gutter and then moving to our roof. We had zero idea. Always telling daughter to turn the bloody tv down. So Police came running through our front & back yards with spotlights and the dogs went crazy. Perps fled. Police lost them (AGAIN!). Evil's girlfriend was yelling out to me 'Bloody C*nt B*itch' when I put the bin out and I've no idea why. So you thought the bad neighbours were evicted. Yep. So did we. It was a lie told to us by the Govt Dept of Housing. They allowed them to make a SWAP with friends. Other members of the same drug gang. We've even seen our previous neighbours them visit them just 48 hours ago. We are in danger. Police said 'sorry we are doing our best'. I said 'your best you say well I'd sure as hell hate to see your worst. You've done nothing to capture these criminals nor to keep us safe in the past two years. How hard is it to run down a street after them? They always get away. How come the chopper over head just now can't spot them?'. I thought your job was to serve and protect. Says so on the badge but this drug syndicate have label brand clothes on the washing line and outwit, out smart you boys in blue every single time. Then when it goes to court they get off because they are young and promise to stop'. The magistrate let these b_astards off to come home & torture us some more six months ago. Just leave. You've failed again. It is us sitting up all night long. We are unable to toilet the dogs. We are not safe to walk to local shops. We can't live. Have a good sleep tonight Officer. I haven't had one in two years. I'm trying to battle serious health issues and I can't leave my daughter and the two dogs at home safe and relax enough to let them carve me open again. There is no justice. My daughter is three shades of white, her legs are going out from under her but you tell us 'you're doing your best'. He apologised and left. Came back 45 minutes later. As we've searched for them and can't find them. As we've not found any drugs nor weapons well this time we can't give you a report number for the Govt Dept of Housing to back up your Transfer Application as there is little to report and just a removed, scratched up gutter as evidence. A possum or rat could have done that a judge would say. I interjected 'yes of course, possums like to remove screw bolts with a drill in their spare time'. Police Officer said 'just stay as safe as you can. glad you've got two dogs'. There are no words to describe how we are feeling as we sit here staring at each other. I can't eat. She can't eat. We can't relax. It is like we are just sitting ducks waiting to be killed. Nobody gives a dam. We have no family. There is no help to be sort. Each New Years Eve I think maybe, just maybe this year will be better than the last. Nope. We aren't officially one week in to 2025. ALONE. That is the only word which comes to mind. No money to flee. Few places allow dogs. I have a small tin of petrol. I have matches. Bet I wouldn't get off.

Heya, I've just been finishing catching-up with other regulars and the two newbies. Hopefully be with you again tomorrow to finish reading the rest of your posts plus this new one, as it's 3.34 now and I'm desperate to try to re-set my timeclock. Inabit...

Sorry, it's going to have to be the weekend now (or maybe tomorrow night if I've got it in me). My week hasn't panned-out like I hoped, been relapsing again, really sharp headaches, the lot. My friends are the same, and think this is the RSV we've all got. Anyway, you're definitely next.

Hey Soulmate, hope this message finds you both well and happy. I'm lonely but so here goes.... Just about as low as one can feel. Daughter just got home after being out four hours with Step Father today. They had a good chin wag on the phone yesterday and planned to go out together today. He came & got her. He drove her home again. I feel betrayed amongst other negative emotions/reactions. Which of course I've taken on the chin and kept it to myself. They had a great time. Went to a coffee shop. Went to an electrical store and she helped him choose and buy a new DVD player. She noted his wallet was quote 'overflowing with one hundred dollar bills'. Then she said she 'helped him' grocery shop. I don't get help. I pointed this out. She said 'Mum he is really deteriorating and getting old. He has a walking stick now & a sticker on the car so he can park in disabled spaces. He's really dopey and forgetful. He needed my help'. I'm not a fool. I hear where her preference and loyalty lies. I remember him saying he'd help us out financially when we were in the first safe house. Promised $500. Never got a penny. I remember him promising $100 a fortnight for Uber/Taxi fares to go see Mum. Never got a penny. I remember comments like ha...ha...I can afford cheese and then another day sucks to be you as I can afford coffee. Sticks in my gut like a knife! This man had 'nothing' until Mum. The money he is spending is my Mothers life savings & the money she inherited when her folks died. It is her 'will' money. I asked daughter 'was git his usual sarcastic self and did he hand out insults to you today?' Response: No Mum not at all. He was super nice. So polite. Seemed lonely and so like an old man. I said did he bitch about me at all to you? Did he ask after my health? She'd told him all about it over the phone. You were mentioned only twice Mum and it wasn't anything. I said ok. Didn't press. She then volunteered...Git said 'best convince your Mother to get the treatments. You are welcome and the dogs to come and stay with me whilst she is gone due to those dodgy neighbours'. She added later... the only other thing he said was 'was that your Mother giving you a shopping list in text messages?' She said 'yes'. He then said 'hope she is paying for all that and not making you pay for it all'. She told him 'we are splitting it as some of the stuff is what I like'. A TOTAL LIE! I was always paying (she took my debit card before leaving) & I did pay for everything! I've been paying for everything since before Christmas. All food, all wants etc. right through new years and beyond. I got the biopsy money myself. I got a Community Service male volunteer group to do our yard for free. I'm a mover & a shaker. I'm a doer not a gonna. She lied to him rather than tell the truth. She told me she had only $10AUD but she ALWAYS comes home with purchases hidden in her bag which I see later. I knew she was lying about money to me. I also gave her the gift cards she asked me for, for xmas. I didn't get anything. OH you asked a bit back where did I get money from after saying I was poor for Christmas. I make doll things and sell them. The collector ladies always buy in the weeks leading up to Christmas. That is how I paid for her Christmas Gift Vouchers and bought ingredient's to cook. I make things happen. I've always been a Survivor but now I am giving up. Sick of battling. She came home all smiles. She was beaming 'Git said I looked real nice in my new dress'. (Usually he calls her ugly & fat so this is quite amazing!) I said 'well you do look lovely and I told you that before you left the house'. She put in extra effort than usual I noted. So, this has all left me feeling rather low. Very alone. Left Outside. Not liked. Not wanted. On top of this daughter has been working very closely with Raya for weeks. I asked her why. I noticed a shift from puppy to preferring Raya suddenly. I noted many new toys bought. I note home made ice-blocks for her and she sits on the floor giving her one every night. I noted $25AUD large bags of high end top shelf dog lamb lung chunks, dried chicken chews etc. I've lost my dog! She won't even sit next to me on the sofa. She won't sleep with me anymore. She won't even come in my room. She doesn't follow me around room to room anymore at all. Doesn't wait outside the shower and toilet like she use to. She won't come when I call her. She ignores me. Saw & noted daughter smirk. Raya is sleeping in daughters room. Daughter is in seventh heaven...all smiles! both dogs on the bed with her at night. She never stops googling and researching dog behavioural stuff. She implemented what she read no doubt. How to win a dog over. This IS a self pity post!!! I own it. I feel like I'm invisible. I feel like I don't matter to anybody nor anything. I feel lonely. I feel devastated. Haven't seen Mum in days. Been on & off sick and very tired. Wanted to go see her but daughter begged me 'please don't go visit that bitch. Nanna is fine! Step Father sees her every second day. I don't want to be left home alone with the evil neighbours. If you care about me more than you care about your Mother then you'll not go visit her & stay home with me'. I NOTE SHE FEARED NOT FOR ME OR MY SAFETY AT ALL TODAY WHEN SHE WENT SHOPPING WITH GIT! NOR DID SHE WORRY ABOUT MY HEALTH. I WAS IN PAIN WHEN SHE LEFT & I TOLD HER AS MUCH. SHE IS GOING OUT WITH HIM AGAIN TOMORROW. I GET TWO DOGS WHEN SHE'S BORED WITH THEM. As I said. She has plans to go out with Git again tomorrow. She is going to help him buy a new lazer TV. Whatever that is? 'It will cost about $899 Mum he said'. Wants me to come support him & convince salesperson for a discount. He's too shy to ask for one. I hit a wrong button on the TV here last night, losing the show we were watching & she grunted at me, pulled a face & told me that I'm both stupid & useless. No leniency for me. Sarcasm: Today I feel very loved & appreciated. I feel wanted. I feel needed. I feel special NOT!!!!!!! So Git told her that my Uncle (this is very shocking news to me as it is very out of character for him) phones Git every couple of days to check that he is quote 'still alive and doing ok'. Because I turned my back on Git & neglected him over the xmas period. Not true. I phoned to wish him a Merry Xmas & then I phoned to wish him a Happy New Year. I sent him home made gingerbread (which he says he doesn't recollect). I made him curried sausages on rice and a potato bake & he collected it from our front door. He didn't even say 'Thank you'. My Aunt phones him every second day to check on him. My Sister is phoning him every 3 days to check on him. He's put on weight (heaps), he's happier. My Bro took him out for a belated xmas lunch at a nice restaurant. Git bought ALL family members/relatives wines/spirits. They all sent him hampers. Apparently today with my daughter he laughed! lots! when he told daughter all this news and said he's enjoying wiping out the goodies in the hampers each night whilst watching DVD's the type of movies Clare would NEVER have let him watch. This is what he told daughter. Git has NEVER bought us a Xmas gift! NOTHING. EVER! I'm hurting! Big Time! We don't even get a card. Mum apparently asked him where I am & if I'm alright. She said to him 'I miss my baby' and he said 'your dementia has you forgetting she is 56 now'. Apparently she responded with 'she will always be my baby no matter what age'. I've decided NOT to have the breast cancer treatment. Also cancelled the booking for the 4xhernia removals operation with their intention of mending the wound from my last operation at the same time. Upper intestine not working correctly hence some of the pain. Reasons 1) Cost of treatment (it was a drama finding the $490AUD for the biopsy). Already cancelled 'Lumpectomy'. 2) Safety daughter home alone & dogs (if she doesn't go to My Mothers House!) 3) Raya (recovery in hospital 2-3 weeks. I'll lose her completely should I leave her that long). 4) Death not feared. Those I love & who actually loved me are on the other side. Reunion. 5) Daughter was worried because they fear how long I'll be under anaesthetic for. All of my previous ops have not gone well post waking up. I've clinically died briefly due to Hypotension a few times. They struggle to bring me back and it is a drama. My veins were collapsing non stop for the recent scans and the biopsy. They couldn't get blood out. They couldn't get the iodine in. They had to get a mini portable baby ultrasound machine to try to locate & hear a vein which was actually pumping correctly. Found one on top of my foot. Found another on the outside of my left arm. I think Daughter just doesn't wish to lose her laundry lady, cleaner, gardener & dog minder. Then the local anaesthetic didn't work for the biopsy. I ended up having 3 locals. 6) That last operation I had (the emergency one) was huge. I had 12 IV's. I had clots, vomiting, fainting unconscious on the floor. Lost the use of my legs and had to have physio and walk with a frame. The dramas just went on & on. Infections etc. I just DON'T want to be put through hell again. It was a HORRIFIC EXPERIENCE. I'm not a whimp! I just don't care enough about living or this life I have to prolong it. I was only two days home when daughter started up picking on me and I'd wished I'd died. So F*CK THIS LIFE & F*CK THE LOT OF THEM! I can already see and tell that they will all be fine post me. I'm not actually wanted. Needed as a volunteer, unpaid, hired helper but that isn't a good enough offer to make me want to fight for life. You might say 'I'm dying so that I may live'. How's this for a Pity Party. EPIC!

I just read that you are not well still. I'm sorry to hear that. You've had a time of it. Hope you get well soon. Ignore my long entry. Take care.

I'm going to leave you in peace. All the best wishes sent your way.

Just wanted to add how I hadn't scrolled back and didn't see your message that you were having headaches and are still suffering with RSV until after I'd sent my super long post. I do apologise. I'm getting the feeling I've become a bit too much of a nuisance. Fair enough. Going to do the right thing and back off. Allow others to have a turn at getting heard. Many Thanks for you time and support. I really do hope your health returns to the best it can possibly be for you. Cheers, DD

Heya, Thanks for the apology - if you're referring to the one I hadn't seen and replied to yet. It's not that you're too much, it's that I and this forum are not enough for your present mindset and what you really need most at this stage. But I supposed it still affects the same, regardless of which is chicken or egg. I think more than anything, you need all-hours daily contact. I also think I agree with your suspicions that you have (a touch of) BPD - hence we have that pervasive pattern of Splitting over me whenever you're upset, i.e. one minute I and the forum are angels, the next, neglectful devils (which has been a running theme with every Alias/forum name you've had), with an understandable (frankly, just logical) fear of abandonment at its root. Your emotions are still volatile and affect and shift your attitude too starkly. I'm not overly concerned as it's obviously situational (reactive - Acute and Temperamental, both - but therefore treatable or naturally improveable with a change in environment) - hardly surprising after decades of this constantly insulting and belittling 'family' crap. And certainly I'm not taking it personally at all. But it is proving too tricky for me to deal and cope with via a forum of this type, in terms of helping improve your situation, plus is proof that you need the daily contact, which I can't do these days, even when I'm not suffering a flare-up of Long Covid, meaning, my no-shows of late are bound to trigger you, even though rationally you know I'm not actually going anywhere. You just panic. I additionally can plainly see you're still not at the point where you're ready to ignore or cut these toxic people out of your life for any lengthy, unbroken period, being still too enmeshed. And hence you're too easily engaged and drawn-in, rising to the bait and reacting, whereas, when the victim does accept their bullies are mentally disturbed, it becomes impossible to take any of it to-heart any more. And that's what your psyche needs: To come down from DefCon 2, and cease being so affectable and triggerable...To no longer give a shite about what downright mad and dysfunctional people think of you (end of). Your being upset by SOMEONE in that clan, almost every day, including still disappointable/betrayable by daughter, including putting yourself into positions where this can still occur, has to stop now; it'd be too much for anyone. I propose, therefore, that although you continue 'blogging', while I continuing to reply as frequently as I can manage (say once per week at worst), you simultaneously try the BPD community online forums for a daily dose of easy friendship as well as the comfort of other victims in your same boat. In other words, to find a CONSTANT Constant while I'll be part-time Constant. (And remember my long-held suspicion that BPD is wholly situational - what happens when you're bullied too hard for too long with no escape...just one way that abuse can express in the victim (plus the latest research re BPD recovery supports said suspicion, you'll be happy to hear!). You just need to get away from the effers and replace them with friendlier, more supportive people on a daily basis, to 'overlay' the negative with positive and re-set then flip that imbalance. Here you go - try these: 1. https://www.mentalhealthforum.net/forum/threads/tw-abuse-no-advice-needed-2.807165/ (Example of a current poster: Extract) "Today has been another impossibly difficult day. I woke up feeling the weight of my existence pressing down on me like it always does, the never-ending pain from my untreated arthritis gnawing at me, making every movement a struggle. And yet, like always, I was forced to push through. My abusive family never fails to remind me how little I mean to them. They demanded I wash all the dishes again today, as if my body isn’t already breaking under the strain. Then, of course, I had to go outside to buy food for my mother. No one else could do it, as usual. I’m so tired of taking care of myself entirely on my own, spending my own money on food because no one else will bother to. I have nothing left—physically, mentally, emotionally, financially. I don’t even feel human anymore, just a body being dragged through life while the world continues to pile on more weight." (Sounding familiar, huh! There you GO - nuff said. :)) 2. https://mysupportforums.org/borderline-personality-disorder/568720-bpd-check-thread.html?s=7a8efaef4f85a45f485fcb5e00748321 This one even has a check-in thread, for giving updates on how one's day has been. 3. https://saneforums.org/t5/Advocating-for-change/Borderline-personality-disorder/td-p/1574642 (Thread extract) "I have a diagnosis of BPD. For many years, I lived in a similar state - lost, lonely, empty and feeling worthless. I'm thinking that this is part of the BPD diagnosis? For me, psychosocial support, such as these forums, were one of the most helpful things in my recovery. I felt less alone because others were able to share similar experiences. Otherwise, I was feeling like I was the issue. I was the issue. I was the faulty one. Now, I know for surety that BPD is completely treatable." (Again, sounds like you.) 4. https://www.bpdvideo.com/borderline-personality-disorder-online/communities/bpd-family This one supplies further helpful links/communities to try. Have a surf, see what you think and report back?

Hi, Thanks for reaching out. I had a 'surf' to see. I don't agree with the BPD. The symptoms do not relate to me. They do however totally describe my Sister. I'm thinking more along the lines of a Mood Disorder. I knew you'd had enough of me. I sensed it. I understood that I'm a just a bit too much for you. I could sense you were being tolerant but didn't mesh with me. Can't force these things I guess. I was triggered at Christmas. Thought you'd abandoned me on purpose. After promising to always be there. No matter. I understand busy and life getting in the way. I get ill health both mental & physical. I've lost my confidence. Taken another tumble. Broken down. Let it all get on top of me again. It won't ever change & can't. I realise that now. This is my lot in life. Have to find a way to cope. Not doing well. The new fear in the neighbourhood just broke me. In the past 24-48 hours many homes in our street & the next have faced gangs of 4-5 at their doors and windows with weapons between 4am to 5:30am every night. also, very next street at 10am daytime! Using equipment to break screen doors. Using high tech phones to interfere with our cameras signals (other neighbours also not just us) and therefore losing the footage for the Police. It is beyond scary and a bit more than I can take/handle at present. Dealing with my health and my daughter (who is being horrid). Dealing with Police daily on the phone & in person. Dealing with the neighbours themselves (throwing cigarettes over the wall and the dogs going to eat them), trying to hide drugs in our gutter etc whilst we were sleeping. I'm not seeing Mum and torn between guilt & relief. I'm losing it with everybody! So don't take it personal. I told off the Police, told off the woman across the road, told off Git, tell off daughter daily, told of the Woman in charge of my Housing complex. I just want to be left alone for awhile to de stress. Take a breath. Daughter has dog dramas and friend dramas constantly and it is all I can do to try & listen calmly and give her my time listening until my ears bleed. I don't even get a break when she goes shopping. The other day she phoned about 8 times & I couldn't even pee or take the dogs out to toilet. The phone & computer messenger going off ringing constantly. Her neediness is taking a toll. That is rich coming from me. Besides daughter found this forum Barbara and read everything. Tore into me with abuse. Hates you with a passion. Called me a fool and said you don't even like me she can tell. Reaffirmed nobody likes me nor loves me. This came the very next day after I sat up until 4am with her crying and telling me her troubles and concerns. I gave her my full empathy, time, attention etc She rewarded me with a dose of I'm a sociopath & psychopath and Soulmate is intrigued, feels sorry for you and uses you for research. She is not your friend you pathetic creature. Her friend was in a car jacking. Very frightening. She was on the news. She was in hospital. She is very hurt. Broken ribs, broken fingers, battered & bruised and stabbed with knife in the side. She decided to go for a drive to listen to the radio with window down & try to unwind. Living with her parents and finding it hard going. Broke up with her wife just recently. Her dog nearly died just recently. Anyways, she was stopped on the red light at midnight and a gang jumped her. Pulled her out of the front seat and threw her keys into the bush. They beat her (she fought until she went unconscious). 4 of them and one of her. She is only 28. She is in a bad way both mentally & physically. Had to go to the police station and could identify two they caught. They all wore white. Label brand tracksuits, hoodies & masks with only their eyes showing. So this has sent me spiralling. Our side of Brisbane is out of control! The Police are an epic fail. We simply aren't safe anywhere anymore. Breaks my heart what is going on. This was a sleepy little suburb filled with cottages and the elderly when I moved in with my four year old. Everybody stopped at their gate for a chat if you walked by. They left Xmas presents on our doorstep for my daughter when she was little. Stuff like that. I miss the old world and ways. 24/7 fear is not sitting well with me. Neighbours have once again tried to run me down whilst I put out the wheelie bin and yelled at me that I'm a 'F*cking C*nt B*itch'. Don't know why. They missed me but hit the bin. It is all just too much. Unbelievable. Like a bad movie. A nightmare I just can't wake up from. I went and saw our local Minister. He sent a letter to Dept of Housing for me. The Police sent two letters to Dept of Housing asking them to move us ASAP for our safety. The Local Member had me type out a time line of events for the past 18months. He is taking it to the Minister for Dept of Housing on our behalf as advocate. Meanwhile the Dept of Housing contacted me via email and said thanks for the letters but it still won't get you moved. Meantime (right now) daughter is saying 'click, click, click your pathetic fingers on the keys sending messages to Soulmate'. A person who is probably a man in prison. Then added what she does know is that you can't stand me either and are trying to get rid of me gently and that I'm too stupid to realise. I'm not stupid. I don't believe I have BPD. I'm actually very level headed and sensible when I'm not having an episodic meltdown. Triggered. I don't drink. I don't self harm. I never do impulsive nor risky behaviour. I'm actually boring by most peoples standards. I have no money so don't do spending sprees nor engaging in unsafe sex or substance abuse. I can see why you might think I have this because of the dramatic mood swings and feeling low but it is the result of being triggered. Yes...I did have fear of abandonment by you. I did sense you slipping away. I don't blame you. I am too much. Nobody will help us get out of here. Nobody cares that I'm sick. So I'm prone to having a few angry outbursts of late. I totally supported my daughter going for a job in a puppy only pet store. I built up her confidence and was totally supportive. When she got the phone call to say she didn't get the job well she tore into me. Everything is my fault. I may be flying off the handle (temperamental) and getting all insecure at the moment but I need some slack to be cut because I'm coping with A LOT! Git is phoning daughter everyday and sending messages to me via her which has me ticked off royally. So this was long again and you have some newbies waiting with some interesting issues. Off you go and do what you do best. I apologise again for spitting on you or whatever you called it. I am sorry. I don't mean to do this. Right when I was getting things finally together it all just came crashing down on top of me yet AGAIN. I liked thinking I had a supportive friend. I know I was too demanding of your time and kidding myself. A few of your comments did hurt me. This is when I realised/noticed you've really gone off me again. WE gave it a good go. Our do over lasted quite awhile. Hope Lily has a beautiful wedding. I'll go bother another service. YOUR FREE! LOL Take care of you.

I just thought (as you've been a part of my journey) that I send a quick update. I've been hurt by the neighbours and I was in Hospital until midnight last evening. Police sent us home. Dept of Housing sent us home. The front yard is trashed. The back yard is trashed. My injuries are hurting. Git won't let us stay there. I've rung Community Services and NOBODY will help us. I phoned our Local Member to give him an update (who promised to be our Advocate) he said 'I'm sorry there is little I can do my hands are tied just stay in touch with the police'. I'm sitting here shaking. Daughter is vomiting. Dogs can't go outside to toilet. I'm speechless. We simply can't get any help.

Last Evening. Female Neighbour top of the hill (so only 4 houses up) got broken into last evening. She has cameras (Police say her footage is too blurry but I've seen it & it isn't. Same gang!) She was asleep. They got in her kitchen and released her three dogs. They took off running away outside. They didn't bark. She heard nothing. She slept through it all. She lives alone. Only 32 years of age. They took her keys off the hook in the kitchen. They went to her garage & drove off in her red audi car. Her dogs were recovered running around at the exact local park nearby which she takes them to play (in walking distance). Unharmed. Thank God! Police are still searching for her car. _____________________________________________________________ More on our household. Dog metal play pen fence in the backyard is not just knocked down but bent up steel. 2 black face masks left at scene Broke our wooden fence making their escape. Got the wooden slat which snapped off as they jumped over.

Sent Local Police Station our footage. Sent Local Police Station our still photos of all back yard evidence. Police phoned me to apologise how they wouldn't be coming out to write up a report and see the damage because they are too busy in the City and are down 3 Constables/Officers due to illness. Police advised sorry can't do the 3 times a night slow drive-by patrol as not enough Police available on the beat this week end. In the morning.... Dept of Housing were sent photos by Police, Ambos & Hospital of my injuries. Dept of Housing were sent report from Police about my assault. Dept of Housing phoned me to say alright we received all that but unfortunately don't have the funds available to send you to a Safe House. The Hotel they found hasn't a vacancy for 3 days. So when they get the funds & the Hotel becomes available then they will phone and let us know and give us the details of where we will be sent to live until a new home in another suburb can be found for us to move to. I said the Police told us to go to a safe place immediately and do not stay the week end here. Senior Officer at Dept of Housing said 'sorry not possible for a few more days so just stay inside and vigilant'. Daughter asked Git again to allow us to stay. He GUFFAWED down the phone. Quote 'Your Mother's Luck isn't good is it. Thems the breaks. I suggest you buy a Lottery ticket. If you should win then you can get out of there. Now I'm not happy about how your Mother (me) has neglected to visit or phone your Grandmother in the last few days. She is asking for her. So tell your Mother she better be going to see her Mother on Monday'. Daughter said 'Mum just got out of Hospital as you know. She is shaken and has injuries.' He had the radio blasting music in the background and she asked him to turn it down. He refused. He said 'sorry about your unfortunate situation again best purchase that Lottery ticket' and he hung up. Afternoon.... Dept of Housing phoned me and said they don't believe a word of anything. Think daughter and I did the damage to their property to expedite the Transfer. Will not be sending us to a safe place at their expense but feel free to find a place and pay for it yourselves. But wait there is more coming....

Git phoned Sister. Git told Sister about my breast cancer and other new health issues I need to have urgent surgery for. Git told Sister about our neighbourhood issues and how I was hurt and the hospital. My Sister sent me a short email. I read it aloud to my daughter and she just sat there shaking her head. It said something along the lines of (can't remember verbatim) 'your troubles have made me positively ill. I can't function. I'm numb. I sit and stare into space. I'm so stressed I don't think I can go to work today. I needed to just sit awhile alone to breathe. Remember the spirit world will fix this in time'. That was it! No salutation. No 'Dear (my name inserted here). It was about how this negatively impacted HER? ________________________________________- Anyway, in other news a Psychologist says I have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria? Sorry for long messages. I do sincerely hope your health is recovering for you HUG

You did ask me to respond with my thoughts about possible BPD. I'm thinking daughter may be right and you really don't want to converse with me anymore. Just got word (from her wife who she's been estranged from) that daughter's friend (who got car hijacked) attempted suicide and very nearly succeeded. Her dog found her and sounded the alert. She was raped I think it was 8 years ago. Can't remember if I told you that. She is in the Psych Ward at the Hospital. She is not talking. Her wife is with her. She's 24/7 on suicide watch. The psychiatrist said she spoke to her for a long time and she listened but refused to speak. The only statement she has given is 'I don't want to be in this World'. I sure can relate to that.

Hi, Yes, I'm still ill, still up and down. Just gritting my teeth and waiting for Winter to be over. Not listening to your - or daughter's - ridiculous gumph. She's a hypocrite of the highest order, ergo, her opinion counts for nothing. I mean, as just ONE example of many from up there: AS IF Richard would scour the prisons for a Moderator (where's her brain at)! Any more of that painting me and the forum Black, either directly from you or via your daughter - and I'm downing tools. Understood? Let me see you agree to this in black & white. I DID actually get you to promise in your last thread as Songbird, NOT to get funny with me and bite the hand that feeds you this time (which is a habit that Narcissists and BPDs indulge in (the former, deliberately) and is not good for narc-survivors to have to be around as it can be highly triggering when this is supposed to be a safe, purely friendly and supportive place. A condition you broke, and which you've done under every alias you've gone under. Strictly speaking, I should have banned you. Understand? This is your final chance. I'm sorry, but this forum and its orderliness has to come first. And, no, we're not 'friends'. Because we've never met in real life and because I'm not here to be anyone's friend, first and foremost, I'm here to advise people on how to sort their problems out. I take at least 2 years of regular in-person interaction before I consider anyone my friend (I've explained this before - many times). We're friend-LY - as we work. That's why I gave you those links - so that you CAN find a frequent poster - possibly even more than one - that has the time and wherewithall to build an online friendship with you. You need a Constant - and there are others like you on other forums who need likewise. You've got to start taking actual steps to help yourself. You're not cooperative enough for me, aren't good at acting on instructions, that's all. I repeat, that's all. Regarding your above last post: "Anyway, in other news a Psychologist says I have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria?" Which psychologist - where and when? And - which: psychological or psychotherapist?

(Tsk - *psychologist or psychotherapist)

COPIED OVER FROM EXTRANEOUS NEW THREAD, NOW FROZEN, ENTITLED: Special request Soulmate. ___________________________________________ Just before I close this extra (-which is disallowed) thread: You: "OH, I just saw how you referred to me as 'her' on Lils thread. So I know where I stand." Short conversation about you between me and Lily on her thread: (asterisks added-in) Me to Lily: Hey Lils! Just a quickie to pass on Songbird's congratulations to you and Dishy (or you can see for yourself on *her* thread). Lily's response: Aww that’s nice of Songbird! Thank you. Were you and I in a thread with *her* once, trying to remember? Mine: Yeah, it rings a bell, you having contributed under a prevous alias of *hers*... Only a faint one, though (my Covid-head's interfering with my medium-term recall at the mo, takes a few days for my Numbskulls to dig it out and send it upstairs. But at least it does.) Wondering WHICH 'her' allegedly spoke so many (non-existent) volumes to you. (Scuse sarcasm, but, REALLY...enough persecution-complexed phantasm already.) Furthermore, I've told you off before about referring to me as a professional or specific gender - neither of which is established nor establishable on this forum - deliberately, for the sake of my anonymity. The one and only person who knows, and would never tell, is the owner of this forum. So why are you doing this again? Answer me on your thread (I'll copy this in). As you can probably tell: I'm even less amused now I've read this, than before. You have zero grounds and I and People's Problems deserve FAR better. If you like, show your thread(s) to your "psychologist". Now freezing this extraneous thread and, again - back to yours - "Barbara Streisand" - where I expect you to from-now-on stay there AND rein yourself in, thank-you. Or No Dice. If you feel negative or in any way over-aroused - DELIBERATELY DO NOTHING until it's passed. Everyone else in the world has to. Okay?

If you're not going to help yourself nor help me to help you - I/we can do NOTHING for you. NOTHING. You sit and think about that before you continue, okay? I mean it.

"Understood? Let me see you agree to this in black & white." On its own, by the way. I want a visible pledge. If you can't keep it, that'll just prove this forum is useless to you. And that is more than fair enough, it's downright generous to a fault.

OK Thank you for responding. If I knew how to rein myself in I would. I am genuinely sorry for everything wrong that I am. I hear it daily. Constantly 24/7. Over reactive. Just can't cope anymore. How is one supposed to be normal under my circumstances? I just went out to the bin & got spat at. At least I know I'm not like that. I came inside and said flippantly to my daughter 'this detergent makes my hands sting, burn & itch'. That got me a long lecture on what is wrong with me??? WTF yet I'm all things mental, bad, crazy. I never physically harm another human being. I only lash out with my mouth. So that is something. I do things (kind acts) for others daily/often so I know I'm not so far gone. Ever lived unable to speak for fear of constant persecution. I am sorry that I don't function nor react as I should. It's sounding like I'm toxic, poison everything rotten. I'm not. I'm bent from so very much. Inside of me just wants to be normal. People like me don't have friends and are not loved. It isn't a nice way to live. Until just now reading your responses I didn't consider myself completely broken. I was still holding on to hope. You make me sound like I'm not a human being. Satan's right hand. I feel like a possessed creature out of a horror movie. I am be many things all adding up to shocking damage but I'm not a Narc. I live with enough of them to know at least that. When I feel safe (haven't for a very long time), when I feel liked, when I feel worthy of somebody's time, when I help others then I'm calm and feel the old me (from decades back) come out. I miss her. I don't sing. I don't dance. I use to. I don't enjoy Xmas, Easter, Birthdays like I use to. As a matter of fact I dread them. Daughters B'Day is coming up & I'm already getting told off that nothing I do is good enough. How I'm a complete failure as a Mother. She got me nothing for xmas but I've heard how I didn't do enough and my gifts weren't good enough. I went out of my way to make it 'feel' like Christmas. Decorated, cooked etc. The one thing I was looking forward to the whole time and the ONLY thing that got me through Xmas Eve and Christmas Day was thinking I'd be talking to you. That is the truth. When daughters friend attempted suicide I was proud of her truth be told. Because I get it. I so totally understand her. Heck...she even asked if I'd be her Carer as her Mum doesn't want to be it anymore and her parents are moving away. Leaving her alone for the first time in her life ever. Poor girl. I know what it is like to be different, damaged and misunderstood. All our intentions are good. Anyways, enough said. There is actually nothing more either one of us could say that is new or hasn't been said before. I've talked to my new Psychologist once so far and she says she can see and hear the real me trapped deep down inside there. Daughter says she is only saying that as it is part of the training to stop a loser like me from ending it. Probably so. No point to anything. Bye

"If I knew how to rein myself in I would." Why don't you Google it?

Well, anyway... There's your unequivocal answer: This forum can indeed do nothing for you. And that's the funny thing about Acts; they speak, just as much as speech can be Acts - to wit: "I never physically harm another human being. I only lash out with my mouth." Wrong. Lashing-out verbally IS harm. Just slower-acting. And you know that. Talk about disingenuous. Or is this concept too intellectually taxing for you? : You can't on the one hand call it 'only' lashing-out with your mouth, as if it somehow neither counts nor is universally known, as a main form - often SOLE form - of Abuse (type Verbal). Especially as it's been a running theme from you towards me/this place from one alias/thread to the next. And yet, on the other hand, whenever it suits you, be constantly claiming to be downright suicidal as a direct result of verbal abuse levelled AT YOU (from your daughter, sister and father-in-law). If YOU can't be impervious to it, then how unreasonable to demand/expect everybody else to. What - one rule for you and another for everyone else (tick!)? Who died and made YOU Queen of Sheba? Maybe try putting a giant post-it-note at the top of your monitor, saying, 'Remember: Think before you speak so's not to blow it (again)'...or is that too intellectually highbrow for you as well? So, yes, actually, you DO harm other human beings (and established businesses - or try to). I repeat: nasty insults as a pervasive pattern, and refusing to stop, ARE Acts. (It's your promises and apologies that are merely hot-air.) In which case - no, I don't think you're BPD, either, and never have. Therefore, you might want to consider this, which, as you know, I've been suspecting all along (not least because you've been all-along reinforcing it). But even if you don't - this is Closure for any thread followers and fellow posters, generally: ______________________________________________________ https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-benevolent-narcissist-hides-behind-good-deeds/ The Benevolent Altruistic Narcissist Is Not Your Typical Narcissist Many people, including myself, took a long time to work out what was going on with this narcissist. If you’ve had more typical narcissistic encounters, you know that the narcissist, once the honeymoon period is over and all the cracks appear, doesn’t tend to put themselves out for other people unless there’s a definite agenda or payoff. When things start really breaking down in your relationship with this person, they don’t tend to hide their narcissism as much. You discover that they’re really entitled, cruel, calculating and nasty, and that’s the majority of the time. There’s less and less smatterings of the being nice. ((Your repertoire includes slurs by implication - to wit: Yet, the benevolent narcissist is often giving and caring. And even when you’ve had horrific episodes with this person, if you get through them, you find that they come back to being caring and seeming to love you. They grant you attention and time and effort. They’re very generous with those things, but when they turn on you, it’s just as devastating as with any narcissist. Is it any wonder that you are thinking, “How can this person be a narcissist? Surely things like entitlement and superiority wouldn’t allow this person to go over and beyond with their generosity and the way they are with people by being so giving to causes and institutions. And of course, the way that they treat me so beautifully.” Yet this person is narcissistic. Absolutely. How you can know this is by understanding what I humbly believe the true definition of narcissism is. The true definition, I believe, is unconsciousness, meaning, “I’m not going to take responsibility for my behaviour. It’s always somebody else’s fault and I’m not going to turn within and I’m not going to do the inner work on my traumatized parts to heal them.” “I’m not going to take responsibility and do something about myself in order to change my beliefs, my behaviour, and therefore my life.” Somebody else’s fault – always. Narcissists when triggered into narcissistic injury – which really just means when things don’t go the way they need them to be in order to maintain their version of self – go into a narcissistic trigger, a narcissistic injury, which really usually is a narcissistic rage. It can be cold, it can be hot. What it means is they’re either going to stonewall and abandon really cruelly, or they lash out. A benevolent narcissist, those who appear to be altruistic people, they are no different at the time of a narcissistic trigger. At these times you really can’t tell the difference between them and any other variety of narcissist. But the difference really is in how this narcissist behaves in order to get narcissistic supply. How Does The Benevolent Narcissist Manipulate? We need to look at how the benevolent narcissist manipulates to get people’s Life Force and energy and stuff? This narcissist knows how to give to get. A really simple example of this would be a narcissistic parent who over gives and then could say to their child, “Look at what I do for you” to hold them to something with guilt because this is controlling. It’s a way of giving by the altruistic narcissist to win allegiance, loyalty and servitude from people and be able to call on them, making them feel obligated to supply favours, sex, money, energy, and attention. It’s also a very powerful method to keep people bonded to the narcissist. This ensures that they’re not going to leave and they’ll cling and get dependent on all the wonderful things that the narcissist supplies – things like regular declarations of love, oodles of compliments, words of approval, financial security. This type of narcissist commonly banks on people becoming dependent on them so that the narcissist can get out of the deal what they want. Absolutely. Also, when this narcissistic personality explodes, this person’s going to hang around because they can’t let go, believing that there’s hope for this person to stop the terrible behaviour and justifying to themselves that these explosions aren’t all the time. Plus, the narcissist is also going to say, “But look at all the amazing things I do for you and how good I am to you,” which will really minimalize those highly abusive times. Also, other people usually believe that this person is such a good Soul because they see and they hear you gushing about all the amazing things this person does for you. They think, “Well, this person cares. They give, they have so many good traits. It must have just been a moment.” It isn’t until they start to know this person up close and personal that they see a different reality. I really can’t tell you how many people in this community started off having a more typical type narcissist and then thought that they had avoided narcissists in their future, believing, “I don’t have narcissistic bosses anymore. I don’t do lovers that are narcissistic anymore.” Then they experience an altruistic narcissist, whether it be a boss or a neighbour or a friendship or an intimate partner relationship. They get really confused trying to work out what is really going on with this. This is where I want to help you get clarity. Abuse is abuse and as Thrivers it is so important to know that your power, your truth and your life is to do with your own choices. We go wrong when we try to make it about trying to work out others and why they behave the way they do. When we are doing that and you’re with somebody like an altruistic narcissist, you’re walking on broken glass and you’re enduring people who are abusing you in these moments, regardless of how infrequently it may happen. Abuse is abuse. What Narcissistic Abuse Looks Like Let’s look at what all narcissistic abuse looks like. It’s nasty, it’s personal, it’s low blows. It’s attacking. It’s a total projection onto you because the narcissist has heard you say something or experienced you doing something that truly any rational adult would not get bent out of shape about. Let me give you some examples. Maybe you ask for something or you make a comment, just a comment, or look at them a certain way or sigh, or have some disappointment in your voice or something. The narcissist takes umbrage in a way that shocks you. The reaction is way out of proportion. If you try to help the narcissist by making some constructive suggestions, they turn on you and they accuse you of all sorts of things and you feel attacked, confused, shocked, devalued, and discarded. Of course, all narcissists swing into full narcissistic flight when you’re trying to hold them accountable for their shocking narcissistic behaviour. You’ve spoken up because of these ridiculous reactions and then they just double down and attack you harder. Narcissists are also amoral – they don’t care about lying and doing the wrong thing. They really don’t. They never feel bad about doing *immoral things. They feel bad about getting caught out about it. They don’t feel bad about lying, cheating and stealing. They really don’t. This particular narcissist just cloaks it by pretending to be a model citizen who’s *honest, *moral and practices monogamy. ______________________________________________________ *Which brings us nicely to... You KNOW you're not BPD - you said so...were adamant. (Also, no long-term fan of Streisand would misspell her first name like that...and many more exemplar giveaways too numerous to list.) Yet now that you've found-out it could get you a free ride/attention to which you are not entitled (which is an abuse of social services resources - likewise, *an act*, likewise, immoral to-boot) - suddenly you agree!... AND WANT ME to help you lie your face off, which additionally would risk you knowing and revealing my identity! (AS IF I'd fall for that one, good grief!) If you really couldn't help yourself, but, yet, *did* have Morals and a Conscience, thus *were* bothered about the effect your conduct could be having on other posters here - particularly your rendering your problems unfixable, including, by replacing one improvement with another, i.e. a new set of atrocious neighbours with (what were the chances!) another that's got it in for you without any reason whatsoever - you'd realise that makes you Antisocial as well as a demoralizing presence, and *yourself* elect (genuinely) to stay away. For the good of others. Also, I agree with daughter on this one and, if you can't see it yourself then - you really are in trouble: "I came inside and said flippantly to my daughter 'this detergent makes my hands sting, burn & itch'. That got me a long lecture on what is wrong with me??? WTF yet I'm all things mental, bad, crazy." Yet again, a simple preventative solution somehow, SOMEHOW, always-always evades you where it would not, others: IT'S CALLED A PAIR OF RUBBER GLOVES. Even a child of 10 would know that one (god, strewth - there's being obtuse, Playing Dumb, and then there's that). Still think people closest to you losing their rag with you is unreasonable? Talk about 'There's a hole in my bucket, Dear Liza, Dear Liza'! Oh, and if your sister didn't care, she wouldn't be stressed. But she's not going to sympathise when - irrespective of her faults - she knows more than anyone how Own Worst Enemy you are. Anyway, YES, you have a delightful side...when you want to. However, it's the overall-ness that matters, and I too, now, have had enough of banging my head against a brick wall, giving you chance after chance, whilst having my intelligence and experience (attempted-) insulted again and again. But yes - albeit NOT my plan (just your projection) - thanks also for this showcase, educational thread on Covert Verbal Abuse including context and word-twisting and putting words into my mouth, to the hilt. That's something, I guess? At the end of the day, the truth, however, is: if you REALLY were a desperate woman in many desperate situations over which you REALLY had zero control re preventing or solving: No WAY would you abuse the (according to you) one and only hand that were feeding you. You couldn't afford to. In case it ceased. You would move Hell and High Water to ensure you COULDN'T 'chop off your own nose to spite your face'. Because you wouldn't be in a position to dare (yet again) risk it. The long-running evidence of your threads over the last couple of years, however, PROVES that you CAN afford to risk it. So that says all that needs to be said regarding wasting public resources. Similarly, apologies include ceasing said transgressions. However - enough with 'explaining to a grown adult how the world works' (yet another symptom-tick!)... Good luck with your psychologist/counsellor - if there even is one and you're not simply projecting from YOUR prison-cell?...Who knows with you. Well, wherever you are... People need People. So if I were you, I'd learn how to control and conduct myself with other people toute suite, even if it had to be purely by-rote. You are perfectly capable at your age (and, indeed, you HAVE managed it). If you want to. If you genuinely give a flying duck about being liked, from being overall likeable. How does that famous meme go...? If you spent half as much time and effort as you do *pretending* to be a decent person, you could actually *be* one. (Your takeaway.) Over and Out.