Am I worthless because I’m 30 and was left after giving my all?

So I posted back in July. I wish I had listened. Shit happened. I will recap now. And I need help. I will go crazy................. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I want to share my story, hoping it will give me some clarity and peace of mind. I met someone online, let’s call him H. At first, he seemed like everything I was looking for. He was 38, educated, religious, and had a great career. He prayed, spoke about values, and said he was serious about marriage. I’m 29, turning 30 soon, and I’ve been serious about finding a life partner. I thought I had finally found someone who aligned with my goals, my values, and my dream of building a family. In the beginning, he gave me so much confidence. He called me jaan (a term of endearment), told me I was his soulmate, and said marriage is all about teamwork. He painted a picture of a life together, sending me reels of families and making plans for us—talking about how we’d travel the world and create a beautiful future together. He constantly sent me pictures of himself, asking me how it felt that this person was mine. I thought everything was perfect. I asked him on the very first day if he was the decision-maker, and he told me he was, that his mom would not interfere. I believed him. He made me feel safe. But things started to shift. H wasn’t someone who gave me the confidence to reach out to him freely. He followed a strict schedule and told me it wasn’t ideal for him to talk every day. He made it a rule that we’d only talk twice a week for an hour when he felt like it. I didn’t want to come across as obsessed or clingy, so I waited for him to initiate calls. I didn’t feel like I could just call him whenever I wanted because there was always this invisible boundary, a sense of formality that he created. I adjusted myself to his rules, thinking this was normal. We had many conversations about expectations, and I agreed to everything he asked for. He said he wanted someone who wouldn’t work a 9-5 job because he believed it would compromise family time. I told him I was fine working online so I could focus on family. He said he didn’t want me sitting with males in mixed gatherings, and I agreed that I would sit with the females. He initially said he would help with chores, but later changed his stance and told me that I would need to do everything. I even agreed to this, except for two things—cleaning meat and the washroom—because it makes me physically sick. I was very calm and polite when I mentioned this, but in his last message to me, he accused me of being aggressive about it, which wasn’t true. Despite some red flags, I held on because I trusted his words. He told me our intentions were pure, and he was serious. Eventually, he decided to visit my family, which I thought was a significant step. He met my parents, and we made an effort to welcome him. It was even my birthday when he visited, but he didn’t even wish me. That hurt, but I let it slide, thinking he might just not be expressive. My parents were kind and respectful to him, and everything seemed okay. But after the visit, his behavior completely changed. He became distant and unresponsive. I asked him directly if something was wrong, and after a lot of pushing, he finally said his mother didn’t think we were compatible. He mentioned vague reasons like family differences, or how he felt my father wasn’t welcoming enough, which wasn’t true at all. My father made a lot of effort to talk to him and make him feel comfortable. H also said things like, "You’re not the person I discovered in the first two months," but he never explained what he meant by that. I asked him if I had done something wrong, and he brought up small incidents, like how I once said, "I’m not a gold digger" when we were discussing financial transparency in marriage. He claimed that hurt him, but he never told me at the time. Instead, he stored these grievances and brought them up later, all at once, to justify why he wanted to end things. Here’s the truth about that "gold digger" comment. We were discussing finances, and I had said that I would love to share account details with my husband after marriage because trust is important to me. He disagreed, which was fine, and I said, "Okay, if you’re not comfortable, you don’t have to." Later, when I felt he was being distant, I asked him directly if something was wrong, and he brought up that conversation, saying, "One month in, you’re asking for my passwords." I clarified that I wasn’t asking for them now, just expressing my thoughts about trust after marriage. I even said, "Don’t share anything if you don’t want to. I’m not a gold digger." That was my way of reassuring him, but he twisted it into something hurtful later. He also told me that his mother didn’t think I’d be able to manage chores because maids are expensive abroad. This stung because I had already agreed to do everything he wanted, even though he initially said he’d help. Later, he changed his mind and said I’d have to do all the chores. I agreed to that too, except for cleaning meat and the washroom because it makes me physically sick. I was calm when I mentioned this, but in his final message, he accused me of being "aggressive" about it, which wasn’t true. When he told me this wasn’t going to work, I felt shattered. I asked him, "Am I trash?" because I couldn’t understand how someone could lead me on for so long, make so many promises, and then discard me like I didn’t matter. I was emotional, and I told him this was unfair—that I am a human being with feelings. There was also a moment when he said he wanted someone submissive. I told him I’m not submissive—I’m assertive and know what I want—but he seemed okay with it at the time. So why did he stay if he wasn’t okay with my personality? What confuses and hurts me the most is how he led me on till the very end. If he felt something was wrong, why didn’t he tell me earlier? Why didn’t he end things when he first started having doubts? Why did he meet my family, give me hope, and then suddenly pull away? He even blocked me after his final message, leaving me with no closure. I feel like I didn’t even get the chance to explain myself or defend my actions. It’s like I was discarded without any regard for my feelings. After he told me his mom didn’t approve, that my father was rude, and that I wasn’t the person he thought I was, I begged him not to end things. I apologized for everything—even things I didn’t think were wrong—just to save the relationship. I told him I could change, that I didn’t want to lose him. I told him I’d do all the chores, I’d follow every boundary, I’d make it work. He replied, "What’s the point of saying sorry if you keep doing the same things again?" He said I use bad words (Gold Digger, and Trash) when I’m emotional and blocked me. His mother never even called my family to say no or explain anything. They just disappeared. What confuses and hurts me the most is how he led me on till the very end. If he felt something was wrong, why didn’t he tell me earlier? Why didn’t he end things when he first started having doubts? Why did he meet my family, give me hope, and then suddenly pull away? He even blocked me after his final message, leaving me with no closure. I feel like I didn’t even get the chance to explain myself or defend my actions. It’s like I was discarded without any regard for my feelings. Right now, I feel broken. I miss him, and I keep questioning if I was the problem. I wonder if I was too emotional, too direct, or if I expected too much. I can’t stop replaying every conversation in my head, wondering what I could have done differently. I feel worthless, like I wasn’t good enough for him or anyone. The fact that I’m turning 30 soon only makes it worse. I feel immense pressure from society, my family, and myself. Everyone around me is getting married, starting families, and I feel like I’m stuck in this endless cycle of rejection and self-doubt. My mental health is suffering. I feel angry at him for leading me on, but I also feel angry at myself for letting it happen. I have so much self-doubt now. I feel like I’m too old, too flawed, and like I’ll never find someone who truly loves and respects me. The worst part is the constant judgment from others—people asking why I’m not married yet, making me feel like a failure for not settling down. Even my own mother reminds me that time is running out, which only adds to my anxiety. I hate that I miss H despite everything. I hate that I keep wondering if he’s happy now, if he’s moved on without a second thought while I’m here trying to pick up the pieces. I want to scream at him, tell him how unfair this was, but I know it won’t change anything. I feel trapped in my own emotions, unable to move on. I’m sharing this because I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I’ve lost myself. I want to rebuild my self-esteem, let go of the anger, and stop living in the past, but I don’t know how. I want to believe that Allah has a plan for me, but right now, everything feels dark and hopeless. I’m seeking advice, support, and clarity. How do I let go of this pain? How do I move on and find peace again? Will he get what he deserves? I know it was only 3.5 months. But, to me, it was everything.... I am going to be 30. Will I get a 65 year old now? (This is what my uncle said when he was telling me to get married). I am stuck. There is no way I can date. Finding husband is only way. So am I old? Has the time passed for me? What is wrong with me? Why couldn't he stay when I had agreed to everything? Was it because he was slightly more rich than my family. Am I not worth it? I am highly educated. I am working for a US based company. yes, I am not rich rich. But I am independent. I spend on my family. I am providing for everyone. What should I do? Part of me wants to send him a message on Facebook. Part of me wants him back. Part of me wants to slap him. Part of me fears that I wont get another person who was super perfect like him. His voice, personality, style, aura, I liked it all. So, am I the problem. Why is it that I am 29, turning 30, and I just keep losing people. Why is that no one wants to marry me? I do hate myself. I have lost a lot of hair. I have bald spots now. I am lethargic. I am weak. I cry a lot. I miss him. But I hate him too. I think I might be crazy. Or maybe too old now. And not worth it. I guess... Please help me. And I am totally okay if you tell me my mistake. I fear that I might be a narcissist. or someone who self-sabotages. Or just in general might not have an impressive personality. Maybe he deserves someone who is at his level. Rich, and I don't know.. someone who will not say no. I wish I had done things differently though. I wish I would have just said yes to everything.

no you're not. in fact you dodged a bullet. put your feet down and get moving and normalcy will return. i watched a dating scam story the other day where the future wife had moved her family in to take him for everything as they spoke foreign. he turned the tables and long term their family went to prison for fraud related. the problem with his demeanor is he was giving you nothing so anything you felt the entire time was your projection to fill it. this conditions you to comply and to constantly seek approval.

Well put, RickyW! Hi again, Rehman. I'm just popping in the link to your thread back in July so that readers can get the fullest picture. And yes, our senior veteran poster, Manalone, was spot-on: https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13735/meeting-him-on-saturday-please-help-urgent Repeat after me: "Right Qualities (mine) - WRONG RECIPIENT (him/it)". You're progressive. You're a GenZ...an evolutionary shunt... you're ALL assertive. With the exception of "sons of dinosaurs" like him (because they can't change/update/suddenly become properly human). As Ricky clearly knows - the guy was a Narc (actual NPD i.e. Malignant). They try to shoehorn you into their unrealistic Ideal Woman (the kind that is submissive and subserviant but doesn't and never has existed - unless you call being conned and trapped, without the means back then to divorce, `being a Doormat'). If you resist the shoehorning...if you're "too aggressive" (which is what a Personality Disordered Narcissist calls mere assertiveness and the ability to stand up for yourself (- how verray dare you!)), then, rather than accept defeat/failure, they shoehorn harder (google "Malignant Narcissist - Coercive Control", and "- Ambient Control"). If that still doesn't work (good on ya, gal!) - is that when they accept defeat and walk away like a normal person/gentleman? Nope (they don't WANT to be gentlemen/ladies, they just want their way and to get what they were mis-taught to expect and feel unjustifiably entitled to). They decide to take you down and knock that 'feminist crap' and 'ideas above your station" out of you, first, using toxic, mind-messing, bullying tactics. (Google "NPD - Idealize, Devalue, Discard".) He's been less raised than *utterly mis-shapen* (shoehorned!) into what amounts as a serious psychological disturbance on-legs, with unbelievably archane, draconian, bigoted, racist, misogynistic/misandristic, back-to-front, upside-down, inside-out, hard-conditioned-in beliefs thus attitudes thus behaviours, plus an inability to learn and change (including, get with the times). They're also incapable of a relationship, let alone to be anyone's teammate (gobsmacking selfishness, unjustified cockiness and superiority complex, etc., etc.). Basically, very damaged children whose bodies grew-up despite their minds got stunted. Kids in Grown-Up Suits with superb mimicry and acting skills. ...Have a google cos I could be here all day, listing what's wrong with them. They're dysfunctional and - behind the false mask or sanity, normality, niceness - nasty as uck if they don't constantly-constantly get their way over someone else's, especially their unwitting Slave (WHO JUST WANTED A RELATIONSHIP FFS). Google "Malignant Narcissist - Fauxlationship". Let's put it this way: Silver Spoons or not - they're Runts (psychological cripples) who bully Alphas (google "Malignant Narcissist - Pathological Envy and Resentment") because their equally runty and insane parent(s) brainwashed them (passed-on their own brainwashing) into believing it to be that way round, and, obviously, whose own parents did the same - ad nauseum....like a rotten family-line legacy. So you're very lucky, in fact, because once you've learned what you nearly had on your hands there ("eek!"), you and your eventual kids WITH A NORMAL, NICE BLOKE!, will be the Full Stop in the RSPCA's slogan, 'Cruelty to children must stop - Full Stop!'... you'll be the healthy line. Ironically, Narcs don't even WANT "Doormats". They find them boring as Hell. They want Empaths with Je Ne Sais Quoi. They want Special and 'deserve' it, just for being alive (pff - define alive). But then your specialness - which turns out to be real, NOT an act (unlike theirs!) - once their Dopamine rush during Honeymoon Period crashes - starts to constantly threaten their superiority complex, and so, in kicks pathological resentment and seething jealousy (secret(-ish) hatred), leading to an urge to be Master (and bully) to your Slave (and personal punchbag), or, with the more severe, to leave you totally destroyed. The severe malignants are Slo-Mo Serial Killers (no visible wounds/scars = no consequence), is what they are. Experts are finally (yawn) starting to concede that truth. Put it this way: They're barely Reliant Robin drivers, who want to, and feel entitled to, literally own a Lambourghini (for-free) but because they can't handle let alone control one, they take it out on the car: first, riding it rough-shod before then (once they're bored of that game) either pushing it off a cliff or crushing it, and going off to find (lie their way in with) a new one. Because, of course, being seriously delusional - they're utterly perfect so it's all the car's fault, ergo, it must be taught a lesson or killed ("cuckoo!"). Luckily, you're not a car. So you'll re-expand then bounce back - but tougher and better than before. It does take time, however, because it's a process (a lot of twisted wiring to be put steadily back in place), and is painful to say the least because (even leaving aside the usual Bereavement) your mine is overloaded with (his) corrupt data and your brain isn't supposed to deal with that non-stop onslaught of downright insanity (hence why psychiatrists have to undergo 5+ years' learning and training, INNIT)....Brain Overload and the data's all wrong and back-to-front (With Narcs, as you've found: 'What goes up does *not* come down' and you do NOT 'reap what you sow'). But the antidotes are, reading-up on it + time ...+ support (which speeds you up...IF your brain can take it). Does this suddenly make everything that happened, and how, start to make sense? Here's your closure, therefore: Putting it simply: You dated a secret nutter. Believed and believed-in a secret nutter. Invested in a secret nutter (which makes walking away too challenging at-first). Next thing you knew - he burned down your house with you (and your parents) in it. HOW ON EARTH IS THAT *YOUR* FAULT? Google something like: "Narcissists - hiding in plain sight". (Basically, they're feral humans who've, on entering the REAL world, had to learn how to 'impressively' impersonate a fully-developed human replete with human decency and empathy...in order to hide their brain defects.) No, sorry, it's not your fault, meaning (sorrier still), no, you cannot change or fix anything (comforting though that thought is at your early point in the process). Except to study up on them so that you'll recognise one in the future and steer well clear. It IS all fascinating, though. Not like boring History or Geography at school, haha. You'll come out of it an expert. And there is a whole, gigantic community out there and online. You're definitely not alone...not by a long chalk. And here's more closure: Had he been sane, normal, decent and nice - everything you did would have worked - BEAUTIFULLY - and you and the bloke would be on your way to long-term happiness. Plus, it's literally impossible to be at fault when mistakenly paired-up with a Narc. And there's nothing to be done except walk away. But even that doesn't work because if you chuck them, chances are they try to bug and Hoover you for years...very difficult to get rid of (unless you know how). So the fact HE ended it - he 'did' you a huge favour. It won't feel like that now. But it will soon enough, the more time thus opportunity for your wiring to get back into its original, rightful configuration (you've been what I call Spaghettified...like someone opened the top of your head, put their hand in and mixed everything up). Any questions? (Hah - loads, I'm sure!)

PS: He'll get his, don't you worry. I've never ONCE (because I follow-up) witnessed a Narc/Narc-Sociopath get away with it (any type of 'it'). "What goes around, comes around" and "You reap what you sow", are true. TRUE-true-true. ...Which is so life-re-inspiring, I can't tell you! So - out of interest: if it was up to you, rather than Fate/Karma - what form would his punishment come in? PPS: being targetted by a Narc, perversely, is the Worst Greatest Flattery there is. :) And PPPS: what use is wealth if one is a giant, obnoxious, downright toxic ahole? I mean, it's hardly something anyone could hide forever, is it. (They're so insane AND thick it makes me spit.)

thanks soulmate for the compliment. i do it much for myself as for others. my head feels better with other peoples problems in it. mine seem less daunting.

Hi Rehman, I just want to say I have no sort of marriage, and little romantic experience, being just your average American high school student. However, I’ve just had a similar experience, and I come from a pretty dysfunctional family, so I am all too familiar with this sort of behavior. To summarize the majority of what I think was happening: This guy is a narcissistic sicko, and was pretty much attempting to manipulate you, to degrade you into this walking-doormat-of-a-slave. He even might've had the aid of his mother. By getting shoved out of his life, you dodged a major bullet. You were the victim of an actual narcissist, and had just experienced the heavily studied abuse tactic I know as IDD; Idealize, Devalue, Discard. Let me start by saying I almost immediately recognized the pattern as soon as you noted how he claimed to already love you, and had his life's plan with you, yet he limited contact to calls lasting an HOUR twice a WEEK. WHEN HE FELT LIKE IT. I feel like any normal person would want to spend every waking moment with someone they were currently planning on spending their lives with. This is actually a common phenomena in the beginnings of forming a relationship with a narc. They seem to spontaneously spoil you, give you this huge confidence boost. Yet, for some reason, they almost limit it in a way, perhaps depending on your own behavior, or when they just "feel like it." This is the Idealization step, often known as the Honeymoon phase of a narc relationship. The purpose of this step is to attempt to make the victim feel safe around the abuser, forming a bond of trust and dependence. This is the phase where most of the few people that can actually see through a narc will realize they're being played. I just want to add that, no matter what phase of IDD you're in, the abuser will always seem to be distant, in different forms. In the beginning, they tend to be very subtle about it. Of course, after the first step, along comes the second: Devaluation. This is a narc's favorite phase, where they can now start to manipulate their victims. This might manifest in the form of overly-harsh critiquing, being dismissive of their victim's opinions, or completely changing their original stances they claimed to have taken. (ringing a bell yet?) They might start trying to distance you from others as well, especially your loved ones. They will often guilt-trip, critique, and threaten, just to get what they want, which is typically compliance from the victim. Almost always, the victim has NO IDEA what is going on, since they still have that bond of trust formed back in the Idealization phase. Even if the person has started to realize they're being abused, it feels too late, as they typically have some sort of significant dependence, also formed in the Idealization phase. And last but not least, Discard. This is simple enough but perhaps feels the most overwhelming for the victim. At this point, the narc has gotten bored of their victim. The facade might be starting to wear off, or maybe they just want something new to play with. The abuser might suddenly start being distant, and before you know it, BAM. You’re ghosted, blocked, abruptly cut off. Usually very vaguely. It’s like they woke up and suddenly decided they don’t want you anymore. This confuses and upsets the victim, and some STILL don’t see how they were played. In fact, they often blame themselves for everything. This is another goal of the discard step: To make sure the victim won’t call the abuser out on their antics. It can act as almost a silencing tool. No one is safe from such a cycle. I have just gotten out of a manipulative relationship online myself not even half a year ago. And it is not your fault that you had gotten sucked into such a lie, and there’s still a possibility it will happen again. Another important thing: You are not too old, at all. In 2016, My grandfather got remarried to a 50-year-old lady, and sure, he didn’t even live a year after that, but for the rest of his time, he was very happy. Plenty of people marry old, nothing wrong with it. Marry when YOU are ready. At the same time, marriage can’t be everything in a relationship. Don’t rush when you meet someone new. Get to know them like a sibling. Really plan your future, TOGETHER. Communicate with them. Be open. When you find that person, it’ll feel like home. For now, take a bit to recollect. Everyone needs some time to process and recover when they get out of a relationship with a narc. Talk to people about your experience, (Good job sharing your story by the way, I know that can feel hard sometimes) and use this time to rediscover anything you felt you had lost in the midst of all the chaos. You are very strong, and very lucky as well. Keep up the good work, I wish you luck <3 -Ponka

REHMAN10 i hope you find a home here, and thanks for sharing your story above. i've nothing else to add from my reply above. i'll see you around :-)

"thanks soulmate for the compliment. i do it much for myself as for others. my head feels better with other peoples problems in it. mine seem less daunting." Yes, that is precisely one of the beauties of this and other 'old-style' forums. Plus, writing 'yourself' out and getting to read it back, is not that different from the original and best discipline of counselling (Rogerian, now including Human Givens). Those are the ones that say 'So what I hear you saying is this' - but they put it slightly differently. You receive more impact when you hear someone else 'repeat' back to you, like you're hearing it 'fresh'. Also, you can ease and speed up your processing by re-reading your thread (or from a pertinent point) on a regular basis. Self-re-programming/de-brainwashing (Narc Fleas) via 'repetition' of healthy re-brainwashing, if required. Anyway, I'm pleased you two have met. :)

Oh fantastico, Ponkan - you know quite a few of your (rotten) onions! Great post! You can all make this your home. Or even just lodgings. :) Helping other victims is a way to super-quickly repair your confidence and self-esteem too. Win, win, WIN, win, win. ...Win.

i love the camaraderie as we're introducing ourselves through sharing. it's this forum successfully connecting and helping people. yay us!

It is a FANTASTIC forum. Slow, but it ain't a MacForum, it's an Egon Ronay. It was the forum I had been searching for, for bleedin' decades. Genuinely Fab owner-founder, that's why (the diff that makes all the diff): Richard. (Prolly making him blush, haha.)

over years i've used online resources in my journey. of the three this one goes strong (except the irc, idling reflects the 'dead internet theory). another a damaged owner with trust issues went from working with me designing and implementing their professional ircd to banning me entirely and ghosting. she then migrated to discord and the sanctuary is off limits. the third was ran by diagnosible (of something) and they drew me in. within six months i'd noticed openly facing it was sweetness and support (but oddly unhelpful and evasive) and i'd been singled out for my helpfulness and given moderator ability and expectations. in private the story was different and in my eagerness i was shelling out cash for operating costs and feeling sympathy to buy people reloadable visa to buy themselves food. after those six months while publically facing sweet as pie, privately i was so drained and the demands were littered with negating my attempts, insulting my non commitment, and requiring more in the form of a list of line items. i broke and completely ghosted this community this is rare and precious and here i am hurrah. yup, you guys rock.

Hey, Rehman, where have you gone? You still playing analyst/detective with your remaining jigsaw piece evidence?

Hi Rehman. The advice you've received here seems quite good, but I'll add my own ten cents. Firstly, I think you need to question whether a man is something you actually "need" in life, and why you feel that you need one so strongly. A relationship can be something great and fulfilling with the right person, but it can also be a nightmare with the wrong person. You should be able to love yourself first and foremost, and love your life even without anyone else. Secondly, I understand that your own religion is something important to you, and that for some people religion is something that brings them comfort and structure that helps them make sense of life. But religion can also produce some truly awful people, especially if they do unethical and amoral things but then pretend to be in-your-face religious. They might use religion as an excuse to do bad things and feel superior to others. Maybe you could consider dating people with different beliefs, or who are atheists or agnostics. Free-thinking counts for a lot, just something to consider. Especially if, as you describe yourself, you are assertive and know what you want. Your family pressuring you and telling you you're getting old and your time is running out is pretty sad to me. I get that you come from a family that is probably very religious and maybe even traditional. But the truth is you are not old at all, and in fact I've found that your thirties are the years where you will probably BEGIN to meet some actually more mature partners. And also, even if you do wind up single for a while longer... Again, I don't see that as a bad thing. What's wrong with living a life for you, and enjoying yourself and your interests and being single? What your family and society and traditions are doing to people, especially women, is very unfair. Now this guy you dated... I'll be honest, I read this story and my mind went straight to a former friend of mine. Now look, there's nothing wrong with a guy being close with his mom, but when he has to have his parents make decisions about his personal life for him, that's usually a pretty big red flag. There is such a thing as a guy who has an unhealthy relationship with his mom, I've seen it. It is kind of disturbing. This guy sounds controlling, and he almost sounds like he expects you to read his mind and understand every little thing that might rub him the wrong way or set him off. He sounds like he wants someone "perfect" or "special", like some of the others mentioned here, and probably thinks so highly of himself that he thinks he's deserving of only the very best. If a man tells you he wants a woman who is completely submissive, usually that is not a good sign. It's one thing to want to feel masculine in the relationship, but another to expect your partner to be a doormat. What concerns me most of all is that this guy is almost 40 and still acts this way. And is still so eerily close to his mom. Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why HE is still single? If he is supposedly such a great catch? They hit the nail on the head, you absolutely dodged a bullet. And if I were you, I'd embrace being single for a while. Enjoy life on your terms. I hope this helps.

"What concerns me most of all is that this guy is almost 40 and still acts this way. And is still so eerily close to his mom. Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why HE is still single? If he is supposedly such a great catch?" TA-DAAAAAA! So have you (hit a nail on the head), Balance. Let's see that again, but bigger: "WHAT CONCERNS ME MOST OF ALL IS THAT THIS GUY IS ALMOST 40 AND STILL ACTS THIS WAY. AND IS STILL SO EERILY CLOSE TO HIS MOM. HAVE YOU EVER STOPPED TO ASK YOURSELF WHY *HE* IS STILL SINGLE? IF HE IS SUPPOSEDLY SUCH A GREAT CATCH?" :))))))))))

Thank you for answering. You guys are amazing. I will always remember you in my prayers. Thank you for taking out the time. I have been severely depressed and stayed in the bed. I don't know why I am going in circles. Everything is a blur. My head isn't clear. I see no way out. I feel weak. I feel lonely. I want to be wanted. But, I want to be alone. I think, I might be crazy. Everyday it feels like a task to get up. I don't like taking showers or brushing my hair anymore. I used to love putting on makeup. I don't anymore. I hate everything about me. I am a feminist. Someone who reads bell hooks and wants to be to break the societal norms. And I have done that actually. In so many ways. By getting educated. By having a career. But I just can't get past the fact that how easy it was for someone to fuck me up. He did. He messed me up. And where is the accountability? I can't think of doing this to someone. And every day, EVERY DAY, I feel like I want to rip off his face. I am sorry if this sounds weird. But really. I want to do something or say something awful to him or his mom. But I can't. I get scared. What if he says something awful to me. Why is that I am 30 and I still don't know how to select better. Why is that I am 30 and I am alone and no one likes me. Why did I have to be so naive? I have read our conversations a 100 times, maybe more. And I try to find mistakes. He was earning really well. He had everything. All material things. And then, he was religious. Then he had this perfect character. He had this understanding of what is his role as a husband. But I don't know why, I didn't agree. I didn't agree to everything he said. I look back now. And I think, maybe I was too much. Or maybe his mother thought that we aren't as rich as them. Every day I go in circles. I am constantly trying to think if I am worth it or not. Why is that I always choose wrong? Why is that I believe words? Should I not believe words? And what exactly should I look in a partner? What are the qualities that will tell me that he is not lying and he is who says he is. How do I see that he won't leave me after leading me on. This person asked me to take pictures of myself in different dresses and asked if I can try a different hairdo. Am I crazy that I think that it is wrong to lead someone on like tis, if ultimately, you meet the parents, and then ghost someone. And after constant messages, you just say no. Can you tell me how can I stop overthinking? How can I trust people? How can I judge better? And also, what is important for marriage? Should I compromise? Should I not be who I am? Please can you tell me that when it is said that whatever escapes you is for good, is that true? Is karma true? I really want him to face consequences. Why was I just some girl for him. Some stupid girl who would wait for him. Someone who would wait for the whole week just to get 1 hour of his time. Who would play "UNO" in that one hour, just to have fun because he had a long day. Who would dream of the wedding, because he showed me and shared the dances and asked me if I, as a bride would dance with him. Who shared her love languages, because he asked and shared that he likes physical touch. Who dreamed of babies, a home, a life because he shared reels of how the real wealth is family. WHO THOUGHT SHE IS IN A RELATIONSHIP because he said that "I believe in love at first sight", "You are my soul mate", "We are seeing each other". Why was it so easy to do this to me. Can you read the conversation, basically, the last conversation just to see if I was wrong or not. Tell me if I am. I really liked him. I talked to my parents. I was supposed to be married now. How is this fair with me? This is the next day that he came to my home with his mom to meet my family: My mother asked me a few questions and didn’t feel too sure. My mother was saying that I need a partner who can manage the house and take care of you. Whether you will be to manage work house family, especially considering maids in saudi is expensive. I asked: She didn't like me? He replied: She doesn’t feel sure about you I replied: I am sorry, I am failing to understand this. Our mothers were discussing how they never cooked, and knew nothing before marriage. And then when they got married, they slowly mastered the art of managing everything. He replied: She didn’t say anything about cooking or learning any skill. Her concern was managing work, family and home all in parralel. She told me a few things about my personality and Linked it to this topic I replied: I think no girl can demonstrate how she can manage work, family and life before she can be in that role. Secondly, we discussed it. How I will be going about my career and how everything is going to be. I mean it is a couple's choice. What was your reply? And most importantly, what is your decision now? He replied: I told her I’ll help in the house. She told me a few things about my personality. How you need to go to gym after work and then you are tired and you won’t have energy to help around. Im abit confused especially seeing your father wasn’t happy to see me And my mom asking some logical questions My mother thinks you are pretty But she says marriage is about raising family I replied: My father was his usual self. And he said that you are very mature. And he didn't point out any issues/problems/concerns at the moment. So I thought it went well. It was the first time he was meeting you. And you were alone. I told you before he won't ask a lot because you are coming alone. It can get awkward. He replied: I am driving to another city now. Let me get back and then reply I replied: Do you have any idea how anxious you just made me. You telling me that you are confused is very hurtful. We have been over all kinds of topics, questions and concerns. Like I said no girl can demonstrate how good of a wife she will be. Neither can a boy. We can't see the future. We don't know what Allah has written for us. But, what we can do and have done is to discuss everything and be on the same page. Everyone learns with time. Our mothers did too. Our fathers as well. I am getting a vibe that there isn't any issue, but this is becoming an issue somehow. I mean, I should be the one, or my parents should have more concerns because I will be leaving my house. He replied the next day: My mother had concern because when she was asked me the question regarding you managing house, family, job. I told her I discussed this with her and I will help in some of the tasks related to house errands. That’s why my mother raised concerns that it is easy to say now I’ll help but later you are going to be tired and will not be able to help and she gave a few examples of my current scenario, where I’m ordering in mostly and sometimes don’t do laundry and leave the plates dirty for multiple days ------------ I couldn't reply and then, after a week I sent a message. I gave him time. I sent this message: Hi, My mother is asking me why is there silence and no call from your mother because it has been a week now. I don't know what to tell her. We have discussed everything and yes, things can get difficult but obviously a couple then decides how to move forwards in the best way possible and not give up when faced with minor issues/concerns. For example, you expressed how you dont want to cook when you get home and I said yes, dont worry about it. I don't know how to prove it though. Could we jump on a call today? We spent 3 months together and it wasn't something casual. I haven't done this before and you weren't just some random guy. I respect you and told my parents very confidently about you. We gave it our 100% and it is not something that we can do over and over again (in terms of feelings and efforts). We owe that much to each other I guess. ---------- He didnt reply. I sent another message, the next day: Hi, I am waiting for you. What is going on? I am getting very anxious now. We didn't just spend all that time just for the sake of having a good time. Are you home yet? Can we have a call? He replied: I’m still at work. I asked my mother for the third time her view on this topic on the weekend. And it was the same feedback as I shared with you before. I feel our families are different and this is not going to be able to go forward. ------ And then here is the message I sent: Why did you give me false hope? Why didnt you send your mother in the first week so that I wouldn't have spent so much time with you. I asked you the second day of our conversation, if you are going to decide or if your mom will decide and you said you will be the final decision maker. Why did you keep on having video calls, called me "my love", "soulmate", sent me pictures, made me develop feelings for you. Every single thing. How is that fair with me? Do you have any fear of Allah? You made me imagine and visualize so much. What do you mean by different? Am I not a human being? Why were on the App then? You should have told me the criteria of your family. Do you have any idea how I have not being able to sleep, eat or function since 1 week. How will I face my father? Do you think I am just a random girl who will talk to anyone? You literally have no regard for my feelings. You constantly assured me that everything will go right. What is my mistake? I have been honest from day 1. About everything. Are you going to abandon me? I put so much trust in you. YOU. I developed feelings for you. Tell me how should I move on? Are my feelings a joke to you? You dragged me with hope for 3 months. Have the courage to answer me now. "I want to bite that neck" "I get this butterfly type of positive boost of energy when I am talking to you" WHY WOULD YOU SAY SUCH STUFF? Is that a joke to you? I left my PhD for you. For US. For the sake of being together. Why did you give me this confidence that you will decide and not your mother. Or am I some kind of trash? Because I feel like trash. Like my love, time, feelings, efforts are worth nothing. How do I move on from you? Is that how a man treats a girl who wants to get married and puts trust in him, tells her father about him, and becomes vulnerable in front of him. Do I have no respect? Tell me. Am I a joke? Video calls? Love language discussions? Do you even know how much feelings I have for you? I visualized you as my husband. Is that trash? ---------- So after my emotional message, he sent this message. If you must know your father was rude to me. In our culture it is considered very bad that you have a guest over and you give him a silent treatment. I felt I was not welcomed and that he didn’t want me here. Secondly, you are the one who would treat this relationship as a joke by asking me questions like “how would you feel if I end this?” And saying to me “ I am going to uk for my phd”. Those incident made me feel you don’t take this relationship seriously and it hurt me and I said it to you. Thirdly you use very rude language in arguement, like now you are saying “ am I some kind of trash”, in a previous arguement you had said “do you think I am a gold digger” this is not the way to talk in a arguement. And if you are like this now, how will you be later. Fourthly you use such assertive language by saying “ I will not clean the bathroom” “ I will not clean the meat”. You said it so aggressively and rudely. But despite these things I was the one who said let’s have our parents meet. You were the one who “oh let’s wait more”. I was the one who treated this relationship seriously. My mother did not like the interaction, I don’t know if there was anything else that you and your mother discussed that she might not like. I tried talking to her 3 times, but she asked me to answer few questions which I couldn’t answer. I can talk to her 10 times again but your father was also rude to me and I found it disrespectful. And you use rude language in arguement which makes me not want to talk to you ever again. You are not the person who I thought you were when we were talking in first month. These things that I later discovered made me feel you are not the person who I discovered in the first 2 month of getting to know each other. ------------ Please note here that my father is not a rude person. He was very nice to him. Talked the whole time. I was in the kitchen and I heard the entire conversation through the window. And I have never once said that let's delay it. And I never once said how would you feel if I end this. And I left the PhD opportunity just to be with him and marry him. Instead of standing my ground. All of the conversations about house hold chores were from month 1. He never once told me that he was angry with me. I felt so scared and sad. And I sent this message: Please don't be too harsh and attack everything that would hurt me even more. I have been telling you that I have feelings for you. That I can't do this again. I want to be with you. And I have been very serious about you. I have apologized to you before and I can do it a 100 more times if that will make you stay. And, I did let go of the PhD opportunity because I wanted to be with you. Every relation has ups and downs but that doesn't mean that we quit it. Yes, parents can have issues but at the end of the day we will be together. Is it that easy for you to say that you dont want to talk to me. It really hurts. You always say to focus on the positive. So here it is. We agreed to so much. I agreed that yes, I will not go for 9-5 job because I want to prioritize you and the future family. You wont help on weekdays and I was fine with it. Why won't I take care of you? Why won't I love you? I asked my mom to teach me how to press shirts, how to cook kababs. And I cooked the day you came. For you. I was so excited. I am all in. And though you just said that you dont want to talk to me. I still want to talk to you. How can I lose you? If you would have told me before, that cleaning washroom or beef is a deal breaker, I would have cleared it. We were talking in a safe space and I never said that I don't want to do it because you should do it. But because it makes me puke. That's it. My father never said anything negative and he met with you the first time. My mother and your mom talked about family etc. Nothing serious. And her and I talked about the food I cooked and if I have friends in Islamabad. It was a very respectful discussion overall. They are parents. They are old, and they know that we like each other. I can't change them. Isn't it supposed to be us that matters more? If I was such a rude person, why did you not tell me. Your message made me feel like I am a very bad person who is unworthy of you. I have also invested time, left meetings, stayed up late, made efforts, got ready for you, never said no to you when you asked for a call. In fact, everyday I used to be glued to my phone and waited for you to call. Because I didn't want to disturb you. You didn't feel any love? I remembered what colour of shirts you wore and which one was left. The morning you said "my love", that day used to be perfect. Tell me, did I not make you feel special? I would look at your picture a thousand times when you sent it to me. I would daydream about you. To you it might be 3 months, to me it is love. I wrote that poem for you. I did everything I could to make your birthday special. Tell me, was I hallucinating everything? Never have I ever disrespected you. Or said anything that goes against you. I have apologized, communicated, and I have turned down any opportunity that would take you away from me. I refused to BAT job because your opinion mattered. I refused to PhD because you are far too precious. I want to take care of you. Be there for you. I want to start a family. Your voice is the voice I want to listen to everyday. And because I am at rock bottom right now because I dont know what else to do or say. Could we please have a call? I can't go back to the App. And I can't get married to someone else. I can't do it again. Please could you not do this to us. Can we please talk? I am cancelling all meetings for today. I want to make this work. Please give us a chance. ------------- And this was his last reply after a day. And he blocked me right after sending this to me: I’m sorry. But I don’t want to continue this. I did communicate to you last time that you used very bad words and you said “I was very emotional and wrote all of that” and you did it again few days back. When you are angry or emotional you use bad words and you lose respect for the other person. And I don’t know if it will be worse later on. It is not about saying sorry. You say sorry and do it again. Then what’s the point of the sorry. It hurt me when you used words like trash and gold digger. I never use harsh words no matter how bad the situation is with the people I love. This is a disaster for me also, I really wanted to get married this year and start a family. ------ Please note, I have never once said this: I was very emotional and wrote all of that. I became crazy and I read 3 months of chat just to see if I was crazy. I have never ever said this. Nor did he say anything about gold digger ever. Again, the only time I said gold digger was that "I want you for you, I am not a gold digger". Now please tell me. Am I disrespectful? Am I wrong? Did I lose someone amazing? Did I self-sabotage? I have read the above chat a 100 or more times. I have added it here so another set of human eyes would read and tell me if I am wrong. I am 30. I feel like I am done.

Every day feels like a chore. I don't like dressing up now. I haven't dressed up since 5 months now. I don't like to look at myself in the mirror. I have lost a lot of hair and have been diagnosed with androgenic alopecia. I look around, see my friends, happy, healthy, with their husbands and I ask myself, what am I lacking? Where is the gap? Have I not learned how to love? Or do I lack qualities that makes someone worthy of love? Am I too much? Do I have a lot of ego? I don't like myself now. I feel like I have to lift myself up. I have doubts. My shoulders are curving up. I am 30. I feel 90. I feel old and unworthy. My mind just goes in circles. No new thought. No dreams. The other day my brother repeated a dialogue of Logan Roy (From Succession), "I'm going to build something better. Something faster, lighter, leaner, wilder....". And it hit me. This dialogue was on my vision board right before I met this guy. How I wanted to become an entrepreneur. I had a poem from Robert Frost (The road not taken). And I had a picture of skydiving. I have a picture of private jet, and a high rise building, an office, a few more quotes.... Where did that person go? Who am I? Why do I care so much? Why do I wake up, start thinking in circles, same cassette, repeat, rewind, replay..... and sleep? Why am I in agony? Have I done wrong to someone? Why do I question if I was wrong or I did wrong? Why do I care so much that I am 30, single, not married, not in a relationship? Why do I actually believe that I am old goods. I think I do believe that I am expired. That I wont have enough eggs left, that my fertility will decline... Why do I feel so negative? I have pain in my body. In my knees. My head hurts. I feel like I am not needed. I am not important. And I know that people say that self-love is important, and manifest better, etc etc etc. I tried. It didn't work. What happened to the person who used to read feminists, who listened to Brene Brown..... Why do I hate myself. And why do I keep on reading the texts. Why do I feel I missed my train and he was the one. Why do I feel that I wish I would have shut up and I would have been married now. Why do I read the texts , daily, more than 5 times and ask myself the question, what went wrong. I have the texts above. Tell me, was I wrong? I don't like life. I don't like me. I can't spend a day sitting idle, without work and enjoy. I used to love nail art, and self care, and hair care, and manicures, and oh my God I used to love make up, dressing up, even if I was going for groceries. I used to love cooking on sundays, watching a movie, reading a book, singing, smiling and feeling positive. My competitive nature, the will to compete has also died. Who am I? Now, I wake up. Eat. Think. Work. Eat. Work. Think. Eat. Sleep. And Repeat. I don't even brush my hair. I have bald patches now. It can look as if I am being melodramatic. But it is real. I feel like I am ill. Really ill. But nobody can see it. I don't like to be alone with myself. I can't think of anything new. Nothing new. Just old. Old memories. And what went wrong. Playing rejection in my mind over and over again. I feel like I am not in control now. My mind feels like a blur. I feel like I can't access a part of my brain. Like all the intellectual thoughts, everything is a blur. I sit and behave like a robot. Not human. I have this constant fear that my mom will die and then who will love me? Because my father is also a narc. He has abused my mom all his life. Cheated, abused, tortured, and absolutely made her crazy. And she also repeats everything, goes in circles. I have tried charity, praying, self help videos, positive affirmations, everything. Nothing has worked. And I miss him....... Could you please read the texts and tell me if I am crazy?

Hi Rehman - sorry, not been ignoring you (and others waiting for me), I've been waylaid. Will do my best to log-on and read the text exchanges tomorrow evening. Failing that, Thursday avo for-sure (I'll lock the door and turn my phone off!), so please keep bearing with me a little longer. PS: I already know you're not crazy.

Sorry - I meant WEDNESDAY, not Thurs. (Can't even keep up with what day it is at the mo!)

PS: You're top of the queue btw.

Right ("pant-pant-gaasp"), I'll dive straight in: "I have been severely depressed and stayed in the bed. I don't know why I am going in circles. Everything is a blur. My head isn't clear. I see no way out. I feel weak. I feel lonely. I want to be wanted. But, I want to be alone. I think, I might be crazy. Everyday it feels like a task to get up. I don't like taking showers or brushing my hair anymore. I used to love putting on makeup. I don't anymore. I hate everything about me." Going in circles, as you put it, is what the Grieving into Recovery Path feels like. Or 'two steps forward, two back'...then three foward, one back... it's a veritable rollercoaster. And you just have to go with it...just ACCEPT that this wasn't a normal break-up because it wasn't a normal relationship, it included another track, called, Romantic Fraud. The guy wants a housekeeper, cook, cleaner, nanny, appointments-maker...ALL FOR FREE!...and he needs a "mere woman" to do it. "I am a feminist." Not bloody surprised with so many like HIM around these days! "Someone who reads bell hooks and wants to be to break the societal norms." Snap! "And I have done that actually. In so many ways. By getting educated. By having a career." Yyyyup! Knowledge is power (the healthy kind). "But I just can't get past the fact that how easy it was for someone to fuck me up." Yup. YUP, YUP, YUP - OHHHH, YUP! ...- good news in-disguise, though, because it means you've hit Anger...which can, for example, sound like this: "Who the hell does he think he is! More to the point - who the hell does he think *I* am...treating ME like that!" You need to keep surfing around about Narc Abuse, to help you understand and appreciate how the very thing as made you susceptible TO A MONSTER is the very thing that makes you so lovely to other normal, lovely people. It's the downside of being Pretty Damn Cool. (Complain to management.) Or - see it like this: Fate decided you were getting lopsided and were in danger of losing balance and falling over (too much exercise for Spock, not enough for captn Kirk, ergo he (she) had been getting a bit flabby)...over-studying?... so decided to give your emotions a work-out to level you up again. So sent him (it). Some truly believe that theory (it's probably all of it at-once; these days it usually is - we're too sophisticated now for one-element causes/reasons). "He did. He messed me up." Temporarily. This is all perfectly normal for where you're at, post-abuse. "And where is the accountability?" With Fate. As I said: Karma is real. This sh*t is too big for mere mortals to deal with. I mean - they can. But that doesn't stop or obstruct Karma. (Remember, you didn't get properly INTO a relationship. This bullet would have been HUGE! Never mind just housebound slave, eventually (or, worse, doing EVERYTHING, INCLUDING a full-time job) - I reckon it wouldn't have been long after the wedding that you'd have ended-up physically battered as well. I mean, this guy's arrogance and superiority complex is off-the-charts - right? He has to adjust for it BY 'GOING BACK' OVER A CENTURY in terms of societal and familial structures!...THINK ABOUT IT.) "I can't think of doing this to someone." I KNOWWWW. Drives ya crazy, trying to get your brain around it, doesn't it. "And every day, EVERY DAY, I feel like I want to rip off his face." ME TOO! (And - GOOD! Good ol' anger....normal rship anger bad, narc abusive one anger goooood....normal reality/rules flipped 180 degrees) "I am sorry if this sounds weird." Don't you DARE apoogise! Just means you work right. Don't apologise for working right. "But really. I want to do something or say something awful to him or his mom." What's wrong with 'BOTH!'? (Haha, tie them together since they love each other so much.) "But I can't. I get scared. What if he says something awful to me." Yeah - no, don't ACTUALLY do anything. Well...not that blatent, anyway. Have you reported him to the dating site yet, for being a wolf in sheep's clothing? He clearly isn't even INTERESTED in marriage (i.e. what HE was proposing was SERVITUDE). "Why is that I am 30 and I still don't know how to select better." 1. Because you were studying non-stop and 2. Because you're being pressured into believing you have to RUSH, now (whereas, more haste equals LESS speed). 3. And because as a person, you're extra-lovely (complain to management) - especially to a take-take-taker. 4. And because you KNOW rushing makes you b*lls-up, which probably aligns with your inner animals rebellious Two-Fingers Up to the wrinklies in your One Size Fits All family (which you'll no control over, given it's subconscious/passive-aggressive) (PS: actual definition of passive-aggression: don't know you're doing it; covert-aggression: do know but pretend you don't.) You're probably too special for a normal life (the 2.5 family). Probably intended for the Big Pool. E.g., not everyone's straight and, e.g., not everyone's 'designed' to be a husband or wife. The Great Machine needs a whole variety of cogs or else it would jam-up and grind to a halt. And maybe you're 'two people' already, don't need a third?) "Why is that I am 30 and I am alone and no one likes me. Why did I have to be so naive?" Cos not only are you physically attractive with a kind and generous personality, but you're also fecking clever. That threatens dinosaurs. They want you gone because you threaten their delusions and superiority complex - make them feel small, redundant, replaced - everything's YOUR fault!....so you must be brought down ten pegs ...or destroyed. (You're down only 7 pegs now, already covered 3.) He couldn't handle you because you had an answer for every (attempted, shitty) thing. Baaaaad Slave....stand up for yourself and truth too well...too much like hard work for these Original Lazies. You're 'an Arab'. "I have read our conversations a 100 times, maybe more. And I try to find mistakes. He was earning really well. He had everything. All material things. And then, he was religious. Then he had this perfect character. He had this understanding of what is his role as a husband. But I don't know why, I didn't agree." Because you're not mentally ill and using outdated ways of seeing marriage and the opposite sex to hide it behind (and feed it). "I didn't agree to everything he said." Really? I didn't agree to ANYTHING he said! "I look back now. And I think, maybe I was too much." Ah - there we go. But - no? NO? *He isn't enough*. Because he's a broken model that got past Quality Control (and ditto his parent(s)). "Or maybe his mother thought that we aren't as rich as them." I find wanting to e rich (or being rich but still trying to get richer) very suspect. I mean, if one is spending all of one's thoughts and energy on making money then clearly that's all one has eyes for (Red Fuh-LAG!...Greedy is NOT attractive to be with...plus they're usually miseryly with it). "Every day I go in circles. I am constantly trying to think if I am worth it or not. Why is that I always choose wrong? Why is that I believe words? Should I not believe words?" Only if the actions back them up. ("Don't just tell me - SHOW ME!" - new mantra.) We believe words because normally we find we can. Just not with a nutjob pretending to be sane, normal and in the same century. "And what exactly should I look in a partner?" For starters - someone who isn't in a rush and is happy to stroll up Bond Street (- see what I did there? ;D) "What are the qualities that will tell me that he is not lying and he is who says he is." As above. "How do I see that he won't leave me after leading me on." As above. Narcs and other Iffies can't DO strolling, taking their time, proceeding with caution. Same as a Wolf or other big predator. They eye their prey (without their prey knowing) then ambush them at a really hard sprint. INNIT. "This person asked me to take pictures of myself in different dresses and asked if I can try a different hairdo." Oh yeah? In that case (your revenge), post him a Barbie Doll.... Hair Salon Barbie. ...And maybe a typed note that says, 'Knock yerself out!'. "Am I crazy that I think that it is wrong to lead someone on like tis, if ultimately, you meet the parents, and then ghost someone. And after constant messages, you just say no." NOPE. And of course it's wrong. And highly injurious. "Can you tell me how can I stop overthinking?" Sleep (and drink) more. The lion's share of the workings-out will get done FOR you. "How can I trust people? How can I judge better? And also, what is important for marriage? Should I compromise? Should I not be who I am?" Make the standard package of Trust SMALLER...and then for the rest it - MAKE THEM EARN IT. Which takes TIME. Same as for PHYSICAL injuries/gashes. "Please can you tell me that when it is said that whatever escapes you is for good, is that true? Is karma true?" As above. (Definitely, definitely, definitely.) "I really want him to face consequences. Why was I just some girl for him." 1. You ceased being a Girl, Little Miss Feminist (cough-cough!), when you were 12. 2. Except to him. 3. He doesn't like women. Narcs don't like ANYONE, but especially not their opposite gender (can't bond = can't grow fond). Might (hah!) have mother issues making it all worse, too (but with Father issues at the root, I'll bet). Every other person in the world is an object...a tool to getting him what he wants, how he wants to present himself to the world (- Rich...rar-rar-bloody-rar) (aka superficial and always unsatisfied). Maybe he's after a Promotion and has heard (the gumph) that married men get promoted more. You would have been his Swiss Army Knife, not a person in your own right whose own happiness and wellfare counted for diddly-squat. 4. Again, 'you' made him feel how INADEQUATE *HE* is. He's not REMOTELY in your league. Just pretending to be WHILST dissing then bullying then torturing you down...smaller, smaller, smaller ("Permission to speak, Husband / Denied!"). Yeah, like you could have put up with THAT! He couldn't compete. Didn't feel superior any more. And he NEEDS that delusion or else the rest of his House Of Cards would tumble down, too. THINK ABOUT IT. "Some stupid girl ((WOMAN)) who would wait for him. Someone who would wait for the whole week just to get 1 hour of his time. Who would play "UNO" in that one hour, just to have fun because he had a long day. Who would dream of the wedding, because he showed me and shared the dances and asked me if I, as a bride would dance with him. Who shared her love languages, because he asked and shared that he likes physical touch. Who dreamed of babies, a home, a life because he shared reels of how the real wealth is family. WHO THOUGHT SHE IS IN A RELATIONSHIP because he said that "I believe in love at first sight", "You are my soul mate", "We are seeing each other". Why was it so easy to do this to me. Can you read the conversation, basically, the last conversation just to see if I was wrong or not. Tell me if I am. I really liked him. I talked to my parents. I was supposed to be married now. How is this fair with me? " How's that stupid? You did what loving women DO. It would have worked if he'd been a Man. He's an angry, hateful kid trapped in a grown-up suit. He wants another MUMMY...and one he can use the rest of the time as his punching-bag (in order to finally get back at his Mummy because HER, he's too scared of/too scared to lose - (Yup - "CUCKOO!") - google something like, Narc Mother-Son - enmeshment). Yeah, course I'll read. I'll do it in a new post, though (keep things tidy and easy to back-reference)....

....(continued) "This is the next day that he came to my home with his mom to meet my family:" (Ahhhh...came with his Mummy-wummyyyy?...ahhhhhh...and his little toy Truckie-wuckie by any chance?) "My mother asked me a few questions and didn’t feel too sure. My mother was saying that I need a partner who can manage the house and take care of you. Whether you will be to manage work house family, especially considering maids in saudi is expensive." Well, thank God YOUR mum's more with the ACTUAL times?! "I asked: She didn't like me? He replied: She doesn’t feel sure about you" (Too hard to dominate. That's it. That would have been ALL the reason in the world for someone whom to begin with, *could* (er) raise a (er) son like THIS crazy and crazily-outdated i.e. deluded specimen! She was probably looking forward to having ANOTHER Inferior at her bullying fingertips, see? ("Why haven't you made me a cup of Tea already?" (as you're still taking her coat) - *SLAP!*" I expect (Predator Sense) she could tell your PARENTS wouldn't have stood for her and him treating you that way, either. There simply were far easier (thicker and less confident) targets out there, that's why (that's ALWAYS why in your precise set-up). "I replied: I am sorry, I am failing to understand this. Our mothers were discussing how they never cooked, and knew nothing before marriage. And then when they got married, they slowly mastered the art of managing everything." (THAT...IS NOT...MARRIAGE they are describing. Marriage is Teamship! EQUALITY/OVERALL EQUITY! They're describing free live-in housekeeping, nannying, cleaning, laundering, gardening, sex-on-tap/command, being KITTENIFIED too.... being stuck with someone who treats you like you're their daughter/one of the kids yet is truly sh*t - nay, NIGHTMARE-ISH!, at being ANYONE'S boss because they're broken and all back-to-front-up-side-down (and not in this century).) "He replied: She didn’t say anything about cooking or learning any skill. Her concern was managing work, family and home all in parralel." (THERE IT IS - THERE WE GO! WORK...AAAND...FAMILY (including him and his AND HER UGH!)...AAAND everything to do with the home including, cutting his stinky toenails, but especially, paying bills whilst he sat with his feet up every night, watching telly, with you not getting to bed until the bloody wee hours, completely knackered and then depressed all the time with zero break, thereby getting NOWHERE in life, let alone getting to use the above-average brains you were born with on a CAREER! Let's simplify this: No WAY could you have been happy with him because - how does a Feminist and the entire reason for the need for Feminism, 'get along nicely'? (Stabbed over the breakfast table with a Ketchup bottle, anyone?) (Used to happen a lot, btw. Before Feminism.) "She told me a few things about my personality and Linked it to this topic I replied: I think no girl ((WOMAAAAAAAANN lol)) can demonstrate how she can manage work, family and life before she can be in that role." (Not the correct answer but a GOOD answer. The correct-ish answer is - 'I'll give it a bash (-not that bit), but I ain't no Mystic Meg, save for the Career Woman bit'. The CORRECT answer is: Why are you both presuming that *I* have to do everything when I've got an outside career TOO?! What sodding CENTURY are you people still in?!') "Secondly, we discussed it. How I will be going about my career and how everything is going to be. I mean it is a couple's choice. What was your reply? And most importantly, what is your decision now?" (Well, as you can tell - I'm with you! They don't live in reality any more. They're living in the bloody Dark Ages with extinct attitudes like that! This is beeping Twenty-Twenty-Five!) "He replied: I told her I’ll help in the house. She told me a few things about my personality. How you need to go to gym after work and then you are tired and you won’t have energy to help around. Im abit confused especially seeing your father wasn’t happy to see me And my mom asking some logical questions My mother thinks you are pretty But she says marriage is about raising family" Yyyyyessss. But in THISSS! century, using THISSS! century's more enlightened, intelligent, "either gender can do anything!" modus operandum. It's called, in macro, Evolution! - and in micro, Progress - and in microscopic, Development (In Line With One's Environment, including any of its cleverer alterations). Yep. Dinosaurs. Cultural Narcissism (on the wrong person - equals personal). (Wrong person means WEAKLINGS, btw.) "I replied:" (And that's the thing: you always do. :))))))) (PS: Sounds to me, reading between the lines, like he's used to "a Father" being an a*se-licker/over-people-pleaser....banners, streamers, "WELCOME, WELCOOME!", all of that - don't you agree?) "...My father was his usual self." (HAHAHAHAHAHA! - Brilliant answer, even though you didn't realise it at the time. Methinks this was the pivotal answer that informed mad matey here, that your Dad would be on YOUR side were there ever any unfairnesses. For starters, he was NOT falling over himself to marry you off to Mr Just Anybody, with said banners and streamers. NARC MEN DO NOT TAKE ON OTHER MEN. Just physically smaller women. And children. They're evil kids...they're SCARED of ACTUAL grown-up men, wouldn't DARE stand up to one of those! Yep. There it was. Looks like your parents saved you from a truly horrid mar-no, SLAVERY and oppression.) "And he said that you are very mature." (Yup - as Dinoasaurs tend to be, haha.) "And he didn't point out any issues/problems/concerns at the moment. So I thought it went well. It was the first time he was meeting you. And you were alone. I told you before he won't ask a lot because you are coming alone. It can get awkward." (Coming alone? Huh? I thought you said he came with his mother??) "He replied: I am driving to another city now. Let me get back and then reply" Oh? Not an important-enough topic to make him want to finish it and THEN drive to another city? It's called deliberately leaving you hanging (on Tenterhooks) (bloody-draining, meat tenderizing hooks). "I replied: Do you have any idea how anxious you just made me." (Bet his secret answer was, YUP!) "You telling me that you are confused is very hurtful. We have been over all kinds of topics, questions and concerns. Like I said no girl can demonstrate how good of a wife she will be. Neither can a boy. We can't see the future. We don't know what Allah has written for us. But, what we can do and have done is to discuss everything and be on the same page. Everyone learns with time. Our mothers did too. Our fathers as well. I am getting a vibe that there isn't any issue, but this is becoming an issue somehow. I mean, I should be the one, or my parents should have more concerns because I will be leaving my house." And then this. Because - Yeahhhhh, but all of that is not the same as - "Yes, Master, anything you say and decide, Master" - is it. You're FAAAAAAAAR too clever for this (not-so-secretly) Mummy's Boy. It was HIS inadequacies, not yours, that he ran away from. Because you're a truth-speaker...a grab the shameful thing from under the table and whack it ON TOP of the table merchant. You could EASILY be a barrister. He couldn't. Not unless judges in your country don't mind having to court Recess so that the opposing barrister can take aaaaages - including, overnight - to come up with a comeback - HENCE... "He replied the next day:" "My mother had concern because when she was asked me the question regarding you managing house, family, job. I told her I discussed this with her and I will help in some of the tasks related to house errands. That’s why my mother raised concerns that it is easy to say now I’ll help but later you are going to be tired" (Ah, apparently/allegedly she thinks she IS Mystic Meg and CAN see the future!) (Nah. It's this (or a big part of it): No woman is going to get all the freedoms and nice things that SHE never got! If SHE can't have something - NOBODY can have it! (Google "Narcissistic Mother-In-Law - Pathological Envy/Jealousy". Got a recent thread I'll try to find for you, where the poor daughter-in-law finally "had ENOUGH of having enough" and ceased all contact with her MIL after a good two decades or more.) Why did she come with him? Because he'll marry whomever SHE wants him to marry. And he's FIIIIINE with that because he LIKES the free right to abuse that comes WITH those outdated ways of being and living (and treating).) " and will not be able to help and she gave a few examples of my current scenario, where I’m ordering in mostly and sometimes don’t do laundry and leave the plates dirty for multiple days" Yeah, but that's because you're a little Narc Boy and Narc Boys don't DO taking-care-of, cleaning, tidying.... They're always waiting for the Housework Fairy to come along. Lazy-lazy-lazy. "------------ I couldn't reply and then, after a week I sent a message. I gave him time. " (All he was waiting to hear was this: "Okay-okay, then!...I'll do absolutely everything, be your secret mummy come housemaid, etc., etc.! - JUST DON'T LEEEAVE MEEEEE'.) (And anyway: you did NOT hear his mother SAY any of this so you only have HIS word that it's what SHE wants for him - Big Fat Innit!) "I sent this message: Hi, My mother is asking me why is there silence and no call from your mother because it has been a week now." (Translation: My very strong and assertive mother who isn't scared of big, hairy kids just because they're taller and sport a willy, wants a WORD with you, Sonny Jim!...And my mother is bigger than YOUR mother! (AND healthy with it!)") (Hahahaha! You're well cool, you are! Your whole fam! But you're all three of you in the wrong country!) "I don't know what to tell her. We have discussed everything and yes, things can get difficult but obviously a couple then decides how to move forwards in the best way possible and not give up when faced with minor issues/concerns. For example, you expressed how you dont want to cook when you get home and I said yes, dont worry about it. I don't know how to prove it though. Could we jump on a call today? We spent 3 months together and it wasn't something casual. I haven't done this before and you weren't just some random guy. I respect you and told my parents very confidently about you. We gave it our 100% and it is not something that we can do over and over again (in terms of feelings and efforts). We owe that much to each other I guess." (Yep! Too intelligent, rational, logical, reasonable, fair-minded, AND HEALTHY for him!) (You and your parents made Gorilla-him and his Gorilla-parent (WHERE WAS HIS DAD, THEN, NOTE!) feel like they were GORILLAS or something! Hahahahahaha!!! All three of you burst their bubbles! IF HE'S LYING about what his mum did or didn't say, however, then - just him (and he'd tricked his mother too...probably lied and said he found-out you'd cheated on poor-poor-wickle-him or something.) (Hmmm....over-dominant mother, disinterested father.... Perhaps he's actually (reactively) a homosexual and you were meant to be part of his ruse that he's straight? Did you consider that one?) "---------- He didnt reply." (No - because you'd argued him into a corner where he could do nothing except confess he was an emotional conman (including with - and because of - his overbearing mother)? " I sent another message, the next day:" (And you push until you get an answer, look. WHICH IS FINE. (In fact, it's great!) It's how he DETESTS that in a "girl" that's the ENTIRE problem here.) "Hi, I am waiting for you. What is going on? I am getting very anxious now. We didn't just spend all that time just for the sake of having a good time. Are you home yet? Can we have a call? ("We didn't just spend all that time just for the sake of having a good time." Translation: None of this is making sense - so WHAT'S GOING ON?!) "He replied: I’m still at work. I asked my mother for the third time her view on this topic on the weekend. And it was the same feedback as I shared with you before. I feel our families are different and this is not going to be able to go forward." (DAMN right they're different! One is groovy and the other is a living nightmare! PLUS, I'll bet he was now spending all his energy on warming-up one of his many Potential Slave candidates from his Little Black & Slimy Book....an ostensibly much, much easier, therefore better, Doormat....GIRL.) "------ And then here is the message I sent: Why did you give me false hope? Why didnt you send your mother in the first week so that I wouldn't have spent so much time with you." Because he didn't KNOW in the first week whether (1) his back-up Primary Supply (google) could be warmed-up so quickly, so (2) only knew he needed his mother's visit as a set-up to DISCARDING you (for a better potential slave)...i.e. so that he could claim HIS MOTHER...not HIM, oh, no - his MOTHER reckoned this/that/this/that (so it was all HER fault, not his....MEANING, if the new Supply proved unsuitable AND there were no other options, meaning, was desperate for SOMEONE - you would have to do, hence, best to leave you NOT hating his guts. Just his mother's. See it? "I asked you the second day of our conversation, if you are going to decide or if your mom will decide and you said you will be the final decision maker. Why did you keep on having video calls, called me "my love", "soulmate", sent me pictures, made me develop feelings for you. Every single thing. How is that fair with me?" (It's not. It's the opposite.) " Do you have any fear of Allah?" (He doesn't believe there's a God.) "You made me imagine and visualize so much. " (He doesn't give a sh*t. As long as HE'S 'happy', that's LITERALLY all that matters!) "What do you mean by different? Am I not a human being? Why were on the App then? You should have told me the criteria of your family. Do you have any idea how I have not being able to sleep, eat or function since 1 week." (He doesn't CARE!) "How will I face my father?" (He doesn't CARE!) "Do you think I am just a random girl who will talk to anyone?" (He doesn't CARE!) (IF HE CARED, HE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN *DOING IT* - INNIT! He doesn't CARE!) "You literally have no regard for my feelings." (Bingo!) (phew!) "You constantly assured me that everything will go right." (BECAUSE he didn't CARE!) " What is my mistake?" (Not being Barbie.) "I have been honest from day 1. About everything." (Because you're healthy and work right. He's Out-Of-Order.) "Are you going to abandon me? I put so much trust in you. YOU. I developed feelings for you." (And he's hearing that and thinking - Aim, Fire, Bullseye, you arrogant b*tch - get back in the kitchen!....thinking you're equal to a man, how DARE you, I've just shown YOU, haven't I!) (No. He's just shown that he's so mentally twisted he's Evil and Sadistic.) "Tell me how should I move on? Are my feelings a joke to you?" (No - because they're GREAT for manipulating when the manipulator is literally stone-hearted as well as pathologically furious at all women for not making it NO-BRAINER EASY to "be a man" in comparison to her.) RIGHT.... I will read the rest but I've heard enough. It's NOT that you won't or shouldn't get married. It's that you're like Royalty, trying to date PEASANTS (when you should be holding-out for royalty) - and sick-in-the-head ones, at that! WHY ARE YOU SO VASTLY UNDER-SELLING YOURSELF? PS: Took him AAAAAAAAGES to come up with that 'your father was ruuuuuuude" BS excuse, didn't it. You'd have come up with that in 0.00005 seconds, I reckon. You guys make him and his fam look like the 'Trailer-Trash' - mentally warped to-boot - that they are! Hard to pretend you're rich and intelligent and stylish and successful AND caring and healthy and-and-and, when the Real McCoy walks into the room, eh. You WON'T make someone on your LEVEL feel as-inadequate-as-they-really-are, however.) Back to my question: Why did you aim so low?

PS: I'll finish up tomorrow avo onwards. PPS: Make that only 6 pegs....and rising fast! PPPS: Let's name the spoilt-but-bullied-brat-to-point-of-Evil puppy! Any ideas?

PP(whatever)S: "This person asked me to take pictures of myself in different dresses and asked if I can try a different hairdo." DETAILS, PLEASE?

Another one: "I have been severely depressed and stayed in the bed. I don't know why I am going in circles. Everything is a blur. My head isn't clear. I see no way out. I feel weak. I feel lonely. I want to be wanted. But, I want to be alone. I think, I might be crazy. Everyday it feels like a task to get up. I don't like taking showers or brushing my hair anymore. I used to love putting on makeup. I don't anymore. I hate everything about me." You got beaten-up then pushed off a cliff. So - Why WOULD you! Who would?! If I came along the ward...saw you in your hospital bed with your legs and arms in Traction, having taken one cast arm OUT of its sling and trying to use it to apply eyeliner, I would be yelling for Matron (and a Psychiatrist!) so loudly your eyeliner would shatter! Why WOULD you. Have a sodding holiday. Stop being so INCREDIBLY hard on yourself. Oh, and it's not genuinel Loneliness. It's the afteraffects of coming off the Narc Matrix and over the cliff-edge (in your case, with a huge SPLAT!). It just does a very convincing impression of Loneliness. Plus, you don't hate yourself. You hate that you're stuck in a hospital ward, in traction. Because it's frustrating. Especially when one is a Doer, like your good self. Don't be fooled. These aren't normal emotions and cocktails in response to a normal environmental event. It's what happens after you've spent too long and/or too intense a time in LaLa Land, and haven't felt those cocktails before so interpret them through the Business As Normal lens.

PS: little thought-tweak exercise for you while you're waiting for me to finish... Which one would you sleep with for a Ten Million Quid: Donald Trump or Vladamir Putin?

Hey again Rehman and Soulmate. I just now noticed all of the additional posts here since the other day. It's been a hell of a week, but I'll drop a few more of my cents into the conversation. So first and foremost, I think Soul made a good point - it's not that you're "too much", he's "not enough." You are giving this person way too much praise and putting them on a pedestal, and not sticking up for your own self. You are putting yourself down way too much, and from what you've told us it sounds like you're a woman who's really got a lot going for herself. You have a career and are driven, and you've taken a look at societal norms and realized that you have your own viewpoint and opinions and have stood up for them. You are giving too much of your energy and power to this person. ...And there's nothing wrong with you for that. Shitty people sap energy from good people all of the time. That is how a lot of these shitty people thrive, by sucking the energy right out of other people to fuel their egos. But to not give them your energy, and to really not let this experience get you down too long, you don't give them anything more. When he can no longer come back to you and feel like he has all of this power over you anymore, well then it's his loss and his time wasted. It's actually pretty funny if you put him in that situation. Maybe he's the one who needs to feel as though HE missed out, because the impression we're all getting here is that's what has happened. I also realize you might start to feel bad for him because his mom is controlling him. And you know what? Screw that. He is born with a brain and he can use it like you've used yours. The parts of your brain that told you, "Hey, I don't like whenever men are unfair to women.", that same part should go off for him whenever he feels like he's just some pawn that mommy calls the shots for. It's not really like he has as much to lose as you do, since he's going to lord over whatever unfortunate soul he ends up with. I'm not going to get into it too much unless it is something you'd want to discuss further, but I still can't help feeling how conflicted you must feel being someone who is simultaneously religious and a feminist. I have known a couple of pretty religious people over the years, and I know I can only begin to scratch the surface of how much their beliefs inform their lives and the choices they make every day. I still can't tell you how they decide to draw the lines with things they feel are appropriate and things that they feel go against their religion. One religious guy I worked with would play tabletop RPGs, but I know other very religious people who would be very opposed to something like that. One of them I knew was really into pop music, and I could never really understand where her relationship to God ended and her interest in men started, given that a good number of the songs she listened to were made by young women and dealt with their various relationships with different guys throughout the years. (Spoiler alert - it started for her when the men looked like models.) I will direct your attention towards the stars of Good Mythical Morning, Rhett McLaughlin and Link Neal. I've been watching their shows more lately, and one of the things they talked about on one of their latest 'Ear Biscuits' podcasts was that they had both grown up as Evangelical Christians, and this had a big impact on their upbringing and the way they thought and viewed the world. Now both men have since left Evangelical Christianity behind, but they still check in annually to talk about the subject and discuss where they're at with that in their lives nowadays. I bring that up to you because, while I know that Christianity is pretty different from your Faith, you might be able to appreciate entertainers who are able to talk openly about their beliefs and their sort of split with their religion, and how their beliefs have changed since becoming agnostics. Perhaps just seeing that these guys can live such full and successful lives, and still balance their religious views and upbringing with their own thoughts, observations and experiences, might be something you can connect with. Anyway their shows are also pretty entertaining, and generally lighthearted. Also, sorry to hear about the alopecia diagnosis. Do you think that some of it could somehow be stress-induced? I'm genuinely asking, as I'm not entirely familiar with it, but I have heard that stress can also make your hair fall out. My main point is, you should feel more proud of who you are and the person you've become, and not put yourself down over some guy things didn't work out with. I've done something similar with women in the past, and usually it is very much a self-esteem issue. You have to try your best to love yourself and recognize the ways you're great, and the things you bring to the table. And focusing too much on comparisons and differences can be unhealthy. We're all individuals.

(Balance: ShhMOKIN'....! :) ) You still there, Rehman? "What happened to the person who used to read feminists, who listened to Brene Brown..... Why do I hate myself. And why do I keep on reading the texts. Why do I feel I missed my train and he was the one. Why do I feel that I wish I would have shut up and I would have been married now. Why do I read the texts , daily, more than 5 times and ask myself the question, what went wrong. I have the texts above. Tell me, was I wrong? " No you weren't wrong - you were conned. Confidence Trick. They're so good at mimicking men (or women) in-love as if it's the real deal - and there's no NORMAL way to tell it's not!...UNTIL IT'S TOO LATE because you're hooked. Picture being hooked. You're in the wrong culture. You're too advanced for it. And that culture represents lots of lovely long grass in which to hide in and behind, for all snakes. Get to somewhere that keeps the grass well-mown. Or (let's be realistic), better-mown. Is there anywhere you've ever fancied visiting in particular?

Hello Soulmate & Balance, Thank you for replying! About the pictures: He actually asked me to do a certain hair bun hairdo and wear a white dress and take stylish pictures. He requested different styles often. ----------- Why am I aiming so low? I feel like I am too much. And, honestly, I dont know what to aim for really. I dont think I deserve someone who is an absolute genius. And, I don't know where to find that person. People often say that "it will come to you" but when? I am 30 now. I see these comments on social media. They call women "expired" because they are 30 or 30+. It triggers me. And so, I am rushing and trying to get married. I really thought he was the one though. He played it very nicely. His ways were amazing. He engaged in the right ways. He made me crazy about him. And really, I don't even remember what the fuck was I really impressed with (excuse my language). Was it the security (Financially). Was it his charm and that sense of security he created that made me shift into my feminine energy and I gave in? Was it the fact that he said "I don't want a maid, I want a wife, I want to know you, I want to spend a happy, healthy and wonderful life" in his second call? Was it because he was 37 and I thought that oh wow, a mature person finally! Or was it because I thought that someone can actually be interested in me.... It has been a while that I had felt loved, or received any attention.... --------------- Why was I an easy target? Is there something wrong with me. Gosh I NEED ANSWERS. I want to rip off his face. Asshole. What kind of a sick so called "provider & protector" engages someone, gives them the confidence and leave them after meeting the parents without any clarity. ---------------------------------- Soulmate. Tell me. How do I not think about marriage for a while? How do I not care that I am 30 and IT IS OKAY. How do I just switch off my brain for 10 minutes and read a book without having the flashbacks. How do I feel happy with myself? How do I forget him? Why do I feel that nothing will happen for me? ----------------------------- I haven't travelled. But, I am working in an international company. I have 3 foreign friends. ----------------------- @Soulmate, you asked me this question: Which one would you sleep with for a Ten Million Quid: Donald Trump or Vladamir Putin? I will sleep with none. Not worth it. ---------------------- How do I feel okay? Can you give me some actionable advice or exercise? Also, how do I choose better? What should I look for?

"About the pictures: He actually asked me to do a certain hair bun hairdo and wear a white dress and take stylish pictures. He requested different styles often. " OMFG.... To look like a BRIDE! Maybe not a church bride, but certainly a registry office one! He was asking you for that for the purpose of having PROPS! (It's Narc-Sociopaths that use fake props!) He would have used those pictures for something.... like, 'confessing 'to another woman, too late, that he was married and therefore had to end it (i.e. to engineer a painful Discard). QUESTION: Did you spend money on him?

"Why am I aiming so low? I feel like I am too much. And, honestly, I dont know what to aim for really. I dont think I deserve someone who is an absolute genius. And, I don't know where to find that person. People often say that "it will come to you" but when? I am 30 now. I see these comments on social media. They call women "expired" because they are 30 or 30+. It triggers me. And so, I am rushing and trying to get married. I really thought he was the one though. He played it very nicely. His ways were amazing. He engaged in the right ways. He made me crazy about him. And really, I don't even remember what the fuck was I really impressed with (excuse my language). Was it the security (Financially). Was it his charm and that sense of security he created that made me shift into my feminine energy and I gave in? Was it the fact that he said "I don't want a maid, I want a wife, I want to know you, I want to spend a happy, healthy and wonderful life" in his second call? Was it because he was 37 and I thought that oh wow, a mature person finally! Or was it because I thought that someone can actually be interested in me.... It has been a while that I had felt loved, or received any attention.... " 'Too much' in what regard(s)? "I dont think I deserve someone who is an absolute genius." (You find intelligence sexy, then, yes?) Why not? 'Expired'? Ugh. How DARE they! Who's 'they' - and which kinds of social media? Sounds like you should change your social media. Why would a brainbox like you want to hang out with, comparitively-speaking, thickies, anyway? I mean, there's closed-minded and then there's THAT (insert Rabid Ape ro Gorilla soundtrack)! You're unlikely to be 'expired' as you haven't HAD a kiddie yet so your system will be preserving itself (i.e. putting itself on Standby). Different if you'd already had one or more, THEN it could all afford to 'shut down' (because then your genes have replicated - think about it) (PS: this is new info based on research findings regarding what we have in-common with a type of clam that lives for 200 years, precisely because it takes so very long to finally sprog). Furthermore, there is such a thing as adopting? Or Stepmothering? Or picking a career where you get to spend every day surrounded by kids, like, nursery teacher or youth-club leader (and the 'best of both worlds' in terms of getting to hand them back at the end of each day, haha). Ooh! Archaeology after-school club for kids! (Are you allowed to use metal detectors?) Another reason you're unlikely to 'expire' is because - we're living longer (again, what sodding century are these "people" from?!). What a load of round objects, from what sounds like a bunch of women-disrespecting ignoramuses. So you've even been under-selling yourself SOCIALLY, then! Yup - by the sounds of it, you're 'surrounded by an idiot'. As for how well he played his fake persona, etc., etc.: Giant Yup!...especially the 'not even sure what I saw in him' part, which is a uniquely common report after a brush with a Narc Spath, OH, AYE. (PS: please asterisk the U next time. Ta.) As for 'financially'. Consider this: 'I asked the Liar if he was rich and he said yes'. So I'll bet he WASN'T. QUESTION: That visit to your house: was it his first? PS: "It has been a while that I had felt loved, or received any attention" : It was this one. Think about it. If you're starved, you'll pick up and eat food that's dropped on the floor. What about your folks. Aren't they huggy types?

"Why was I an easy target? Is there something wrong with me. Gosh I NEED ANSWERS. I want to rip off his face. Asshole." Haha - you were NOT an easy target...that's precisely why this Narc-Spath decided he wasn't interested in making you his free hired help aka "wife". Why you were picked was because a Take-Take-Taker needs a WHAT NOW? Yup - Give-Give-Giver. Being the former is the problem, not, the latter. (Two Givers works marvellously but two Takers?....ER, NNNNNO.) "What kind of a sick so called "provider & protector" engages someone, gives them the confidence and leave them after meeting the parents without any clarity." A Malignant Narcissist who picks on women and/or kids, to mistreat, use and exploit...until the victim's out of juice, whereupon they cruelly discard them (like a used tissue).... until and unless the victim eventually gets their juice back (whereupon, if need be - cue Hoovering). ---------------------------------- "Soulmate. Tell me. How do I not think about marriage for a while? How do I not care that I am 30 and IT IS OKAY. How do I just switch off my brain for 10 minutes and read a book without having the flashbacks. How do I feel happy with myself? How do I forget him? Why do I feel that nothing will happen for me? ----------------------------- Answer: get stuck into something you love or, even better, are obsessive about, and meanwhile 'Date Yourself' so that you're not 'starving' any more (it's really easy to do). That and Time, including in which to heal and get with the New You. Oh, and - buy more exciting books. Start spoiling yourself rotten (in an as healthy as possible way but with enough naughty stuff to keep it fun). "I haven't travelled. But, I am working in an international company. I have 3 foreign friends." Ooh! Any scope for working in one of their foreign offices? Which countries are these friends in? ----------------------- "@Soulmate, you asked me this question: Which one would you sleep with for a Ten Million Quid: Donald Trump or Vladamir Putin? I will sleep with none. Not worth it." (A variation of "How's about NEITHER!" so - Top marks!) And this is why I don't think you should EXPECT to get married, NOT seek it out yourself. (If one of your Mr Rights wants to bump into you - fine. But the truth is, you don't need to do anything...no woman ever did!...except just to get out-and-about enough that you actually cross paths with others, of course.) You're 'bigger' than marriage. Or bigger than EARLY marriage, anyway. (I'll explain that tomorrow.) Is it marriage you want - or kids? And is it even YOU, or just your ovaries nagging away at you? ---------------------- "How do I feel okay? Can you give me some actionable advice or exercise?" As above. Plus exercise, literally. It releases endorphins (your own, in-house manufactured painkillers). Or comedy. "Also, how do I choose better? What should I look for?" Saving this, too, for tomorrow as my eyes are starting to droop (I've corrected my timeclock but a bit over-successfully. Woke at sodding 4am this morning and couldn't get back to sleep). Hasta Manana! :)

Seriously, though, Reh: that was one of THE most eloquent, articulate, sharp-as-a-razor, inarguable, salient, 'arguing' I've ever heard from someone who at the time was being 'electrocuted' with 'shock volts'. If you can do that, you could do public speaking. Definitely. The majority of other people would have gone to pieces - splutter-stutter, burst into tears, all of that. How do you feel about Politics? Any Feminist groups near your area? ...Here's a thought: Maybe the kinds of fossils you should be digging up are the two-legged sort, like malignant matey up there? PS: His befitting nickname?

Hello-hello-hello? Where have you disappeared to?