Am I worthless because I’m 30 and was left after giving my all?

REHMAN10! - Jan 28 2025 at 21:22
So I posted back in July. I wish I had listened. Shit happened. I will recap now. And I need help. I will go crazy.................
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I want to share my story, hoping it will give me some clarity and peace of mind. I met someone online, let’s call him H. At first, he seemed like everything I was looking for. He was 38, educated, religious, and had a great career. He prayed, spoke about values, and said he was serious about marriage. I’m 29, turning 30 soon, and I’ve been serious about finding a life partner. I thought I had finally found someone who aligned with my goals, my values, and my dream of building a family.
In the beginning, he gave me so much confidence. He called me jaan (a term of endearment), told me I was his soulmate, and said marriage is all about teamwork. He painted a picture of a life together, sending me reels of families and making plans for us—talking about how we’d travel the world and create a beautiful future together. He constantly sent me pictures of himself, asking me how it felt that this person was mine. I thought everything was perfect. I asked him on the very first day if he was the decision-maker, and he told me he was, that his mom would not interfere. I believed him. He made me feel safe.
But things started to shift. H wasn’t someone who gave me the confidence to reach out to him freely. He followed a strict schedule and told me it wasn’t ideal for him to talk every day. He made it a rule that we’d only talk twice a week for an hour when he felt like it. I didn’t want to come across as obsessed or clingy, so I waited for him to initiate calls. I didn’t feel like I could just call him whenever I wanted because there was always this invisible boundary, a sense of formality that he created. I adjusted myself to his rules, thinking this was normal.
We had many conversations about expectations, and I agreed to everything he asked for. He said he wanted someone who wouldn’t work a 9-5 job because he believed it would compromise family time. I told him I was fine working online so I could focus on family. He said he didn’t want me sitting with males in mixed gatherings, and I agreed that I would sit with the females. He initially said he would help with chores, but later changed his stance and told me that I would need to do everything. I even agreed to this, except for two things—cleaning meat and the washroom—because it makes me physically sick. I was very calm and polite when I mentioned this, but in his last message to me, he accused me of being aggressive about it, which wasn’t true.
Despite some red flags, I held on because I trusted his words. He told me our intentions were pure, and he was serious. Eventually, he decided to visit my family, which I thought was a significant step. He met my parents, and we made an effort to welcome him. It was even my birthday when he visited, but he didn’t even wish me. That hurt, but I let it slide, thinking he might just not be expressive. My parents were kind and respectful to him, and everything seemed okay.
But after the visit, his behavior completely changed. He became distant and unresponsive. I asked him directly if something was wrong, and after a lot of pushing, he finally said his mother didn’t think we were compatible. He mentioned vague reasons like family differences, or how he felt my father wasn’t welcoming enough, which wasn’t true at all. My father made a lot of effort to talk to him and make him feel comfortable. H also said things like, "You’re not the person I discovered in the first two months," but he never explained what he meant by that. I asked him if I had done something wrong, and he brought up small incidents, like how I once said, "I’m not a gold digger" when we were discussing financial transparency in marriage. He claimed that hurt him, but he never told me at the time. Instead, he stored these grievances and brought them up later, all at once, to justify why he wanted to end things.
Here’s the truth about that "gold digger" comment. We were discussing finances, and I had said that I would love to share account details with my husband after marriage because trust is important to me. He disagreed, which was fine, and I said, "Okay, if you’re not comfortable, you don’t have to." Later, when I felt he was being distant, I asked him directly if something was wrong, and he brought up that conversation, saying, "One month in, you’re asking for my passwords." I clarified that I wasn’t asking for them now, just expressing my thoughts about trust after marriage. I even said, "Don’t share anything if you don’t want to. I’m not a gold digger." That was my way of reassuring him, but he twisted it into something hurtful later.
He also told me that his mother didn’t think I’d be able to manage chores because maids are expensive abroad. This stung because I had already agreed to do everything he wanted, even though he initially said he’d help. Later, he changed his mind and said I’d have to do all the chores. I agreed to that too, except for cleaning meat and the washroom because it makes me physically sick. I was calm when I mentioned this, but in his final message, he accused me of being "aggressive" about it, which wasn’t true.
When he told me this wasn’t going to work, I felt shattered. I asked him, "Am I trash?" because I couldn’t understand how someone could lead me on for so long, make so many promises, and then discard me like I didn’t matter. I was emotional, and I told him this was unfair—that I am a human being with feelings.
There was also a moment when he said he wanted someone submissive. I told him I’m not submissive—I’m assertive and know what I want—but he seemed okay with it at the time. So why did he stay if he wasn’t okay with my personality?
What confuses and hurts me the most is how he led me on till the very end. If he felt something was wrong, why didn’t he tell me earlier? Why didn’t he end things when he first started having doubts? Why did he meet my family, give me hope, and then suddenly pull away? He even blocked me after his final message, leaving me with no closure. I feel like I didn’t even get the chance to explain myself or defend my actions. It’s like I was discarded without any regard for my feelings.
After he told me his mom didn’t approve, that my father was rude, and that I wasn’t the person he thought I was, I begged him not to end things. I apologized for everything—even things I didn’t think were wrong—just to save the relationship. I told him I could change, that I didn’t want to lose him. I told him I’d do all the chores, I’d follow every boundary, I’d make it work. He replied, "What’s the point of saying sorry if you keep doing the same things again?" He said I use bad words (Gold Digger, and Trash) when I’m emotional and blocked me. His mother never even called my family to say no or explain anything. They just disappeared.
What confuses and hurts me the most is how he led me on till the very end. If he felt something was wrong, why didn’t he tell me earlier? Why didn’t he end things when he first started having doubts? Why did he meet my family, give me hope, and then suddenly pull away? He even blocked me after his final message, leaving me with no closure. I feel like I didn’t even get the chance to explain myself or defend my actions. It’s like I was discarded without any regard for my feelings.
Right now, I feel broken. I miss him, and I keep questioning if I was the problem. I wonder if I was too emotional, too direct, or if I expected too much. I can’t stop replaying every conversation in my head, wondering what I could have done differently. I feel worthless, like I wasn’t good enough for him or anyone. The fact that I’m turning 30 soon only makes it worse. I feel immense pressure from society, my family, and myself. Everyone around me is getting married, starting families, and I feel like I’m stuck in this endless cycle of rejection and self-doubt.
My mental health is suffering. I feel angry at him for leading me on, but I also feel angry at myself for letting it happen. I have so much self-doubt now. I feel like I’m too old, too flawed, and like I’ll never find someone who truly loves and respects me. The worst part is the constant judgment from others—people asking why I’m not married yet, making me feel like a failure for not settling down. Even my own mother reminds me that time is running out, which only adds to my anxiety.
I hate that I miss H despite everything. I hate that I keep wondering if he’s happy now, if he’s moved on without a second thought while I’m here trying to pick up the pieces. I want to scream at him, tell him how unfair this was, but I know it won’t change anything. I feel trapped in my own emotions, unable to move on.
I’m sharing this because I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I’ve lost myself. I want to rebuild my self-esteem, let go of the anger, and stop living in the past, but I don’t know how. I want to believe that Allah has a plan for me, but right now, everything feels dark and hopeless. I’m seeking advice, support, and clarity. How do I let go of this pain? How do I move on and find peace again?
Will he get what he deserves? I know it was only 3.5 months. But, to me, it was everything....
I am going to be 30. Will I get a 65 year old now? (This is what my uncle said when he was telling me to get married). I am stuck. There is no way I can date. Finding husband is only way. So am I old? Has the time passed for me? What is wrong with me? Why couldn't he stay when I had agreed to everything? Was it because he was slightly more rich than my family. Am I not worth it? I am highly educated. I am working for a US based company. yes, I am not rich rich. But I am independent. I spend on my family. I am providing for everyone. What should I do? Part of me wants to send him a message on Facebook. Part of me wants him back. Part of me wants to slap him. Part of me fears that I wont get another person who was super perfect like him. His voice, personality, style, aura, I liked it all. So, am I the problem. Why is it that I am 29, turning 30, and I just keep losing people. Why is that no one wants to marry me? I do hate myself. I have lost a lot of hair. I have bald spots now. I am lethargic. I am weak. I cry a lot. I miss him. But I hate him too. I think I might be crazy. Or maybe too old now. And not worth it. I guess...
Please help me. And I am totally okay if you tell me my mistake. I fear that I might be a narcissist. or someone who self-sabotages. Or just in general might not have an impressive personality. Maybe he deserves someone who is at his level. Rich, and I don't know.. someone who will not say no. I wish I had done things differently though. I wish I would have just said yes to everything.
no you're not. in fact you dodged a bullet. put your feet down and get moving and normalcy will return.
i watched a dating scam story the other day where the future wife had moved her family in to take him for everything as they spoke foreign. he turned the tables and long term their family went to prison for fraud related.
the problem with his demeanor is he was giving you nothing so anything you felt the entire time was your projection to fill it. this conditions you to comply and to constantly seek approval.
Well put, RickyW!
Hi again, Rehman.
I'm just popping in the link to your thread back in July so that readers can get the fullest picture. And yes, our senior veteran poster, Manalone, was spot-on:
https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13735/meeting-him-on-saturday-please-help-urgent
Repeat after me:
"Right Qualities (mine) -
WRONG RECIPIENT (him/it)".
You're progressive. You're a GenZ...an evolutionary shunt... you're ALL assertive. With the exception of "sons of dinosaurs" like him (because they can't change/update/suddenly become properly human).
As Ricky clearly knows - the guy was a Narc (actual NPD i.e. Malignant). They try to shoehorn you into their unrealistic Ideal Woman (the kind that is submissive and subserviant but doesn't and never has existed - unless you call being conned and trapped, without the means back then to divorce, `being a Doormat').
If you resist the shoehorning...if you're "too aggressive" (which is what a Personality Disordered Narcissist calls mere assertiveness and the ability to stand up for yourself (- how verray dare you!)), then, rather than accept defeat/failure, they shoehorn harder (google "Malignant Narcissist - Coercive Control", and "- Ambient Control"). If that still doesn't work (good on ya, gal!) - is that when they accept defeat and walk away like a normal person/gentleman? Nope (they don't WANT to be gentlemen/ladies, they just want their way and to get what they were mis-taught to expect and feel unjustifiably entitled to). They decide to take you down and knock that 'feminist crap' and 'ideas above your station" out of you, first, using toxic, mind-messing, bullying tactics.
(Google "NPD - Idealize, Devalue, Discard".)
He's been less raised than *utterly mis-shapen* (shoehorned!) into what amounts as a serious psychological disturbance on-legs, with unbelievably archane, draconian, bigoted, racist, misogynistic/misandristic, back-to-front, upside-down, inside-out, hard-conditioned-in beliefs thus attitudes thus behaviours, plus an inability to learn and change (including, get with the times). They're also incapable of a relationship, let alone to be anyone's teammate (gobsmacking selfishness, unjustified cockiness and superiority complex, etc., etc.). Basically, very damaged children whose bodies grew-up despite their minds got stunted. Kids in Grown-Up Suits with superb mimicry and acting skills. ...Have a google cos I could be here all day, listing what's wrong with them. They're dysfunctional and - behind the false mask or sanity, normality, niceness - nasty as uck if they don't constantly-constantly get their way over someone else's, especially their unwitting Slave (WHO JUST WANTED A RELATIONSHIP FFS).
Google "Malignant Narcissist - Fauxlationship".
Let's put it this way: Silver Spoons or not - they're Runts (psychological cripples) who bully Alphas (google "Malignant Narcissist - Pathological Envy and Resentment") because their equally runty and insane parent(s) brainwashed them (passed-on their own brainwashing) into believing it to be that way round, and, obviously, whose own parents did the same - ad nauseum....like a rotten family-line legacy. So you're very lucky, in fact, because once you've learned what you nearly had on your hands there ("eek!"), you and your eventual kids WITH A NORMAL, NICE BLOKE!, will be the Full Stop in the RSPCA's slogan, 'Cruelty to children must stop - Full Stop!'... you'll be the healthy line.
Ironically, Narcs don't even WANT "Doormats". They find them boring as Hell. They want Empaths with Je Ne Sais Quoi. They want Special and 'deserve' it, just for being alive (pff - define alive). But then your specialness - which turns out to be real, NOT an act (unlike theirs!) - once their Dopamine rush during Honeymoon Period crashes - starts to constantly threaten their superiority complex, and so, in kicks pathological resentment and seething jealousy (secret(-ish) hatred), leading to an urge to be Master (and bully) to your Slave (and personal punchbag), or, with the more severe, to leave you totally destroyed.
The severe malignants are Slo-Mo Serial Killers (no visible wounds/scars = no consequence), is what they are. Experts are finally (yawn) starting to concede that truth.
Put it this way: They're barely Reliant Robin drivers, who want to, and feel entitled to, literally own a Lambourghini (for-free) but because they can't handle let alone control one, they take it out on the car: first, riding it rough-shod before then (once they're bored of that game) either pushing it off a cliff or crushing it, and going off to find (lie their way in with) a new one. Because, of course, being seriously delusional - they're utterly perfect so it's all the car's fault, ergo, it must be taught a lesson or killed ("cuckoo!").
Luckily, you're not a car. So you'll re-expand then bounce back - but tougher and better than before. It does take time, however, because it's a process (a lot of twisted wiring to be put steadily back in place), and is painful to say the least because (even leaving aside the usual Bereavement) your mine is overloaded with (his) corrupt data and your brain isn't supposed to deal with that non-stop onslaught of downright insanity (hence why psychiatrists have to undergo 5+ years' learning and training, INNIT)....Brain Overload and the data's all wrong and back-to-front (With Narcs, as you've found: 'What goes up does *not* come down' and you do NOT 'reap what you sow'). But the antidotes are, reading-up on it + time ...+ support (which speeds you up...IF your brain can take it).
Does this suddenly make everything that happened, and how, start to make sense?
Here's your closure, therefore:
Putting it simply: You dated a secret nutter. Believed and believed-in a secret nutter. Invested in a secret nutter (which makes walking away too challenging at-first). Next thing you knew - he burned down your house with you (and your parents) in it. HOW ON EARTH IS THAT *YOUR* FAULT?
Google something like: "Narcissists - hiding in plain sight". (Basically, they're feral humans who've, on entering the REAL world, had to learn how to 'impressively' impersonate a fully-developed human replete with human decency and empathy...in order to hide their brain defects.)
No, sorry, it's not your fault, meaning (sorrier still), no, you cannot change or fix anything (comforting though that thought is at your early point in the process). Except to study up on them so that you'll recognise one in the future and steer well clear.
It IS all fascinating, though. Not like boring History or Geography at school, haha. You'll come out of it an expert. And there is a whole, gigantic community out there and online. You're definitely not alone...not by a long chalk.
And here's more closure: Had he been sane, normal, decent and nice - everything you did would have worked - BEAUTIFULLY - and you and the bloke would be on your way to long-term happiness. Plus, it's literally impossible to be at fault when mistakenly paired-up with a Narc. And there's nothing to be done except walk away. But even that doesn't work because if you chuck them, chances are they try to bug and Hoover you for years...very difficult to get rid of (unless you know how). So the fact HE ended it - he 'did' you a huge favour.
It won't feel like that now. But it will soon enough, the more time thus opportunity for your wiring to get back into its original, rightful configuration (you've been what I call Spaghettified...like someone opened the top of your head, put their hand in and mixed everything up).
Any questions? (Hah - loads, I'm sure!)
PS: He'll get his, don't you worry.
I've never ONCE (because I follow-up) witnessed a Narc/Narc-Sociopath get away with it (any type of 'it'). "What goes around, comes around" and "You reap what you sow", are true.
TRUE-true-true. ...Which is so life-re-inspiring, I can't tell you!
So - out of interest: if it was up to you, rather than Fate/Karma - what form would his punishment come in?
PPS: being targetted by a Narc, perversely, is the Worst Greatest Flattery there is. :)
And PPPS: what use is wealth if one is a giant, obnoxious, downright toxic ahole? I mean, it's hardly something anyone could hide forever, is it. (They're so insane AND thick it makes me spit.)
thanks soulmate for the compliment. i do it much for myself as for others. my head feels better with other peoples problems in it. mine seem less daunting.
Hi Rehman,
I just want to say I have no sort of marriage, and little romantic experience, being just your average American high school student. However, I’ve just had a similar experience, and I come from a pretty dysfunctional family, so I am all too familiar with this sort of behavior.
To summarize the majority of what I think was happening: This guy is a narcissistic sicko, and was pretty much attempting to manipulate you, to degrade you into this walking-doormat-of-a-slave. He even might've had the aid of his mother. By getting shoved out of his life, you dodged a major bullet. You were the victim of an actual narcissist, and had just experienced the heavily studied abuse tactic I know as IDD; Idealize, Devalue, Discard.
Let me start by saying I almost immediately recognized the pattern as soon as you noted how he claimed to already love you, and had his life's plan with you, yet he limited contact to calls lasting an HOUR twice a WEEK. WHEN HE FELT LIKE IT. I feel like any normal person would want to spend every waking moment with someone they were currently planning on spending their lives with.
This is actually a common phenomena in the beginnings of forming a relationship with a narc. They seem to spontaneously spoil you, give you this huge confidence boost. Yet, for some reason, they almost limit it in a way, perhaps depending on your own behavior, or when they just "feel like it." This is the Idealization step, often known as the Honeymoon phase of a narc relationship. The purpose of this step is to attempt to make the victim feel safe around the abuser, forming a bond of trust and dependence. This is the phase where most of the few people that can actually see through a narc will realize they're being played.
I just want to add that, no matter what phase of IDD you're in, the abuser will always seem to be distant, in different forms. In the beginning, they tend to be very subtle about it.
Of course, after the first step, along comes the second: Devaluation. This is a narc's favorite phase, where they can now start to manipulate their victims. This might manifest in the form of overly-harsh critiquing, being dismissive of their victim's opinions, or completely changing their original stances they claimed to have taken. (ringing a bell yet?) They might start trying to distance you from others as well, especially your loved ones. They will often guilt-trip, critique, and threaten, just to get what they want, which is typically compliance from the victim. Almost always, the victim has NO IDEA what is going on, since they still have that bond of trust formed back in the Idealization phase. Even if the person has started to realize they're being abused, it feels too late, as they typically have some sort of significant dependence, also formed in the Idealization phase.
And last but not least, Discard. This is simple enough but perhaps feels the most overwhelming for the victim. At this point, the narc has gotten bored of their victim. The facade might be starting to wear off, or maybe they just want something new to play with. The abuser might suddenly start being distant, and before you know it, BAM. You’re ghosted, blocked, abruptly cut off. Usually very vaguely. It’s like they woke up and suddenly decided they don’t want you anymore. This confuses and upsets the victim, and some STILL don’t see how they were played. In fact, they often blame themselves for everything. This is another goal of the discard step: To make sure the victim won’t call the abuser out on their antics. It can act as almost a silencing tool.
No one is safe from such a cycle. I have just gotten out of a manipulative relationship online myself not even half a year ago. And it is not your fault that you had gotten sucked into such a lie, and there’s still a possibility it will happen again.
Another important thing: You are not too old, at all. In 2016, My grandfather got remarried to a 50-year-old lady, and sure, he didn’t even live a year after that, but for the rest of his time, he was very happy. Plenty of people marry old, nothing wrong with it. Marry when YOU are ready.
At the same time, marriage can’t be everything in a relationship. Don’t rush when you meet someone new. Get to know them like a sibling. Really plan your future, TOGETHER. Communicate with them. Be open. When you find that person, it’ll feel like home.
For now, take a bit to recollect. Everyone needs some time to process and recover when they get out of a relationship with a narc. Talk to people about your experience, (Good job sharing your story by the way, I know that can feel hard sometimes) and use this time to rediscover anything you felt you had lost in the midst of all the chaos. You are very strong, and very lucky as well. Keep up the good work, I wish you luck <3
-Ponka
REHMAN10 i hope you find a home here, and thanks for sharing your story above. i've nothing else to add from my reply above.
i'll see you around :-)
"thanks soulmate for the compliment. i do it much for myself as for others. my head feels better with other peoples problems in it. mine seem less daunting."
Yes, that is precisely one of the beauties of this and other 'old-style' forums. Plus, writing 'yourself' out and getting to read it back, is not that different from the original and best discipline of counselling (Rogerian, now including Human Givens). Those are the ones that say 'So what I hear you saying is this' - but they put it slightly differently. You receive more impact when you hear someone else 'repeat' back to you, like you're hearing it 'fresh'. Also, you can ease and speed up your processing by re-reading your thread (or from a pertinent point) on a regular basis. Self-re-programming/de-brainwashing (Narc Fleas) via 'repetition' of healthy re-brainwashing, if required.
Anyway, I'm pleased you two have met. :)
Oh fantastico, Ponkan - you know quite a few of your (rotten) onions!
Great post!
You can all make this your home. Or even just lodgings. :) Helping other victims is a way to super-quickly repair your confidence and self-esteem too. Win, win, WIN, win, win.
...Win.
i love the camaraderie as we're introducing ourselves through sharing. it's this forum successfully connecting and helping people.
yay us!
It is a FANTASTIC forum. Slow, but it ain't a MacForum, it's an Egon Ronay. It was the forum I had been searching for, for bleedin' decades.
Genuinely Fab owner-founder, that's why (the diff that makes all the diff): Richard.
(Prolly making him blush, haha.)
over years i've used online resources in my journey. of the three this one goes strong (except the irc, idling reflects the 'dead internet theory). another a damaged owner with trust issues went from working with me designing and implementing their professional ircd to banning me entirely and ghosting. she then migrated to discord and the sanctuary is off limits. the third was ran by diagnosible (of something) and they drew me in. within six months i'd noticed openly facing it was sweetness and support (but oddly unhelpful and evasive) and i'd been singled out for my helpfulness and given moderator ability and expectations. in private the story was different and in my eagerness i was shelling out cash for operating costs and feeling sympathy to buy people reloadable visa to buy themselves food. after those six months while publically facing sweet as pie, privately i was so drained and the demands were littered with negating my attempts, insulting my non commitment, and requiring more in the form of a list of line items. i broke and completely ghosted this community
this is rare and precious and here i am hurrah.
yup, you guys rock.