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i have a terminal prognosis and ~a year to live. i'm 46 and so my story starts even earlier and is complicated. me and my twin sister were born 4.5 months premature into incubators after our mom had partied and done the irresponsible (drugs, booze). immediately no immune system. which never really developed, and clinging to life. mom having done these things and me being first born my health is multitudes worse than my sisters, who also suffers. our lives developed abnormally into an abusive and negligent household. over our formative childhood mom brought a constant array of bad-choice men. two notable mentions. first, ray was a constant return. at aged 4 i walked into a room where my sister was on bottom of a sweaty man with fear in the air sensed from my sister. she'd been raped, and mom's respose was to pack us up and leave. years later at aged 9 she brought him home again and our christmas eve peace was shattered when he went into a drunken rage and tried to momentum himself up a small slope in the yard to our front door. at age 16 he was back again and, blaming alcohol, uproar came as my sister woke and screamed to him passed out in her bed. from here my twin sister made a call to report the repeated sexual assault encounters and an investigation started where we moved from our city to one outside the jurisdiction and hid until it blew over. my sister was disowned by our mother for the first time after this offense. (emotional blackmail, mom disowned her a second time about 5 years ago because she refused to scam mom's then divorcing husband from cash.) the second notable man was greg. when we met him he was charismatic, confident, and the hope for a bright future in our mindset. except when he first dated my mom his name was tony and if her story is believed, mom married him at gunpoint by driving from oklahoma to vegas. he ended up being a dry drunk and having another family whose experience would match ours. (just not the extremity in solutions). he'd go through phases of reconciliation and bliss and promises to aggrivation and exploding on anyone who dare be available. i grew into hyper vigilance where the car doors and various bumps and twitches within my environment were constantly scanned for signs of imminent threat. mom had met him at age 10 and at age 17 we were the most dysfunctional family. skipping quickly over these 7 years, broken bones, examples of unfair punishments, beatings leaving us at home from school with a cover story. i can go into more details for how the abused see the world if you guys want later, just ask. moving on for now. at 17 the cumulation of stresses such as aging kids displaying rebellion, the complication of hiding what was now clearly visible, the constant approach of cops who seemed afraid to engage the abuser. mom had gotten a restraining order and his response was to track and engage my mom and younger and twin sisters at walmart. where security held him long enough for them to high speed chase home swapping car paint and terrified passengers. they got home and he quickly arrived after. he bust down the door, mom pulled a gun and fired but it jammed. she backed away from his attempts to lay hands to her and tried to unstick the gun, and i begin beating him with a fireplace poker. end result is he gets shot twice, and begins making his way to his truck where he'd earlier promised there's a sawed off shotgun. he fell to the ground in our yard and after a few frustrated and completely inappropriate additional whacks with the iron rod, he was dead. at this point and before my personality was developing like a lawful-good characte3r in dungeons and dragons. that is, i'd put myself into harms way even for strangers. having been beaten at home and socially awkward at school, i gravitated to expressing myself. creative writing went into drama which went into debate. i was good. good enough in high school to team competition a trophy. this helped me to express myself when training (through abuse) was to keep down and remain invisible. i got published twice in childhood and won a district wide contest for one of them. this then got me the attention for those who didn't want to talk and felt that was a challenge and offer to bully. my butt was kicked consistently at school and my existence pessimistic, fatalistic. i then broke my hand (saving that tidbit for later if the crowd can handle it) and got assigned to the library instead of the gym class where i found self study a great way to disengage from my crap life. topics went from science and explaining extreme weather, to old pre-american independence literature which spoke wisely in old english, to books explaining the how and why for martial arts. the love for learning has followed me, and long term i hold a second dan (karate rates by belts) in kempo karate. the confidence boost of deescalating most of all of the lifetime of targeted (bullying) violence. this was a game changer. from here i go to college and get a bachelors in computer forensics and network admin. during this time i marry and divorce a woman who cheats on me with her 'brother' and tried to loop me for an illigitimate child. i bonded immidiately to jacob isiah spending all of my extra non work time with him. (no exaggeration here) i'd put a lot of faith in my survival at the future paradise of a happy and perfect home life. this isn't what happened and 9 years later i was out of some money and the then two paternity cases from her were dismissed. no restitution to me, i didn't ask. my sister through this time frame embraced the seen and not heard approach to social interactions. the level of passive aggressive in her resulted in us developing an almost psychic means of nods and gestures for when she wanted me to 'do something.' be aware that our lives were dangerously violent off and on as various abusers come, try, fail, and leave. she first marries her high school sweetheart but they divorce after he decided he's gay and should bring friends home to their bed. her second marriage ended by the husband dropping dead from somethng bad in his head. cancer, stroke, i don't remember. he looked healthy one day and was dead the next. his parents came to the state and moved into the home she'd bought with him, losing it forever. we got toge3ther one day talking about the crap show as it played out and how rebuilding was the toughest thing. the conversation was me telling her i expected to die young for all the health issues and that i should never own property. from here we agreed to coinhabit and we shared the life of a married couple but as brother/sister. shopping for the right home, getting financed, and so on. we closed on the house in the same week i'd introduced her to the truck i bought her. and home life was normal, no issues ever at all. me being decisive also a planner meaning the locating resources and organization are my stronger qualities. the house though a 30 year was paid off in 11. the truck a 5 year got paid off in 2. and our life went on normally as she dated occassionally, and we'd make time for each other as independent life was shared in the same home. my health never being good includes buzzwords such as degeneration, neuropathy, and cancer. i'd broken bones and dislocated a shoulder and knee both never healing. by now i'd been stabbed at over 2 dozen times and had maybe 8 knife wounds on me. i'd been shot at three times but never hit, thank god. now that i'm working on my fourth cancer diagnosis i'm declining chemo and being told a year prognosis. i'm laying fatigued ~14 hours a day and waking to cold sweats, fever, vomiting, and etc. now enter the current era of heart break and the cause for a long narrative. my twin sister is happy with her boyfriend and they got a wild notion to kick out their three renters without cause or notice. one was in tears describing his future inability to eat for the cost of survival. the other, i stopped him tonight and apologized our relationship got so strained. i've got 90 days to leave and a sister who refuses to even make eye contact, breaking not just my heart but an agreement that resulted in feeling like an atm and discarded. i've since come to understand how i've been used so this isn't that. just i'm crushed to be discarded by my twin sister after what we'd gone through and what i've willingly sacrificed. my plan is ongoing by getting my resume in order and applying entry level. while i have a degree and display excellence, my work history is spotty for the recurrent nature of things. with some cash, an application to section 8 housing for help getting a place, i plan to leave and never look back. i'm writing off my twin sister to make what ever mistakes she makes. incidentally i'm holding two tidbits i'm drawn to disclose her. first, while looking into selling the house and getting out from under, i was in the room to recognise fraud indicators. by that i mean he used sales technique to say this offer is exploding and to call by tomorrow and he offered a deal property unseen. he offered to help relocate her to a new home which isn't a usual function for buyers. i need to add here two things. first, she promised the home to two different people. ian, a renter we met by babysitting him as a baby, is holding her deed and moving out tomorrow. she also offered to give the house to a bartender she liked named katie who declined for it being too much responsibility. katie fell off the radar at covid with bartending being non essential. and ian's promise was forgotten as he paid his rent for the month being told to move on. and second, she's fallen to scams before and left alone she'll lose everything. not to consult a lawyer, she'll read the documentation to not understand and her magical-thinking brain will jump towards the too-good thing. she's ruined. i developed intelligence where she did not. (fact not insult) i'm in my feelings and they feel all kinds of ways some contradictory. loyalty pings at me that she's in danger. that the scam might be from her new work friends who incidentally had given her the 'we buy your houses' phone number. i'm identifying within myself confirmation and normalcy biases and am being flooded with a realization to the illusion i'd shared. my twin wasn't loving and ride or die but collecting my money. she had used a coy method of drama creation in the household which caused drama but never in her presence as a means to manipulate change. misunderderstandings that today need apologies as they leave to never return. i'll be leaving my home of ~20 years to work-at-home for long as i can to get out, get an apartment, and then dying alone comfortably as possible before they evict. thoughts, suggestions, criticisms, etc? i'm wide open to be heard, understood, and maybe even accepted. i've lost all of those very recently. best regards, ricky

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Hi Ricky - sorry for the wait. I'll myself respond as soon as I can. Meanwhile, hopefully, someone else can pitch in. Oh, and thank-you for your very insightful responses to other OPs.

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i'm in no rush at all. i've been processing best i can and any insights no matter how brutally honest have to help.

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emotions are hitting me harder today then i was ready for. dropping a note to say i need to step away from the over-stimulation provided by my pc and my replies may also be delayed. i'll be bck and probably even today just need to calm and center and allow my brain to talk for what it's saying. ya know? best regards

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Hi Ricky, Reading your story has been very heart-wrenching. But hey, you've gotten this far and still seem to be going strong. Take pride in that. Dysfunctional households are absolutely tragic, as someone who is a part of one myself. My own is not as complicated to your degree, however, but it has still ended up torn apart nonetheless. There's a lot of tension between my family. I haven't spoken to a few of them for about a year and a half, including my dad due to abuse. There have been at least 5 generations where almost every family member is currently living/has passed with some sort of substance abuse on both sides of my family. I'm not even an adult yet, and I already know that I'm set on getting the heck out of here asap. Although reading this has sent me into tears, it's also given me a bit of hope for my future. In spite of everything, you seem to be a kind and intelligent person. I'm sorry that you've spent your whole life paying for the consequences of your mother's actions, and I'm sorry that your sister used you in such a dirty way. I hope that through all this, you have managed to capture many happy moments. No matter how much life you have left, I hope the rest of it is spent peacefully. I am very proud of you. Thank you <3 -Ponka

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PASTED-IN FROM OP'S 2NDARY THREAD entitled "(Opinion) sharing thoughts about empathics and narcissists": Post dated 3 Feb, 11:34: "we have empaths beyond what's normal per capita posting for help on our forums. i've been giving the empathic genre extra thought and i have an insight i'd share which may help to understand thus helping the healing process. empaths are thoughtful and caring and forever looking out for other people. our ability to sense and adapt to complex emotional situations sets us apart from others. narcissists think only of themselves and are forever looking for strong people to capture and destroy. how are we related and why do they attract us? (choosing the target, investigating for ammunition, luring us like a fisherman chooses the lake and the depth and the rod and the bait) our histories can very easily share the same stressors and stimuli. what sets us from them and why do they seek to destroy us specifically? that would be the result of introspection into our situation yielding healthier coping skills and habits. and their coping instead looking outwardly to see our victory and feelings of jealousy and contempt. and they see our strength and their admiration sets them on a path to us. then narcs may look at the average person and realize their needs can be met by these rubes. and at this, they hone and use the dark forces of psychology: emotional blackmail, threats, coersion, which then switches to their outward persona which most likely mimics nearly perfectly their target. know that some of their toolkit also matches our own. for our stimuli and stressors may have been the same and only the means of coping and meetings needs differ. (and drastically) we're both damaged and both sought to fill the hole left. the reason we care is that we've been hurt and seek to salve that in others. the reason we care for a narc is they're damaged just like we were and that's instinctual. the reason we're drawn to stay is their ability to lie congruently and the breaking down techniques commonly understood. the realization here that the same energies from the empathics are fueling the narcs from the spectrum. the reason we care is because we looked for answers and came back that helping others through this is best. we looked to ourselves and they looked to others and only one of those is healty and at all sustainable. i hope this is helpful and that through it in some small way you're encouraged to press on and love yourselves like nature intended."

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"i've been processing best i can and any insights no matter how brutally honest have to help." Oh, one definitely needs to network up with another biological computer on-legs (brain-borrow) when it comes to the insanity known as Narcissism (big N). Especially as, if this is your first full-sized rodeo, you're not yet aware of the extra difficulty, nor whence it hails...which is this: you're not just having to complete ONE jigsaw, but two - simultaneously. Because there are two frames of reference in-play in which one has to de-code the words and behaviour (data): How normal people are and behave, and what that behaviour signifies in terms of where they are coming from, plus through the very different lens of NPD with its very different motivations and agendas. And (horror-film screech) this, one has to do, with very complicated-shaped and/or barely visible pieces of data, SIMULTANEOUSLY. Sometimes, depending on the severity and other factors, a reason can BE a case of, both together (e.g. sociopathic narc: literally two-tracked minds - e.g. they do love (-ish) you but that does NOT give you any immunity nor special dispensation when it comes to your still being fair game for being, say, stolen from, diddled, oppressively dominated and seriously cat-kicked. That bunch would literally hock their own grannies. Anyhoo - I'll read your theory or enlightment (not done it yet, like things in-order) after I've responded to your opener...

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Taking it bit-by-bit - First-off - I'm really, really sorry - for everything that's undeservedly happened to you. You're obviously very strong and resourceful, but I can tell what hurts the most is what your sister has done. Of course! It must feel like a humungous betrayal as well as make a total mockery of everything you've striven to do to take care of her (and yourself). The good news is, IMO, that you need not panic on her score. Because of this giveaway: "i've got 90 days to leave and a sister ***who refuses to even make eye contact***, breaking not just my heart but an agreement that resulted in feeling like an atm and discarded. " = Guilty conscience and Shame. A Malignant Sociopath will feel a BIT of shame. Not only wouldn't that stop her/him, but you also wouldn't see any outward sign in the form of an expression, like that (assuming you're sure it wasn't an act? - RSvP). They'd do something like, too long after the event, buy you a token present, as if that's somehow going to make up for it. And even then, it would SIMULTANEOUSLY involve their wanting to shut you and your 'whinging' about it, up. I suspect she's under a bad influence. Not having thought through and come to terms with her toxic baggage, unlike you. Still susceptible to the narc sales job (bare-faced lies and truth-twisting). So I put her down as - yes, selfish, but weaker-minded thus easily led. ...including this con-job: "his parents came to the state and moved into the home she'd bought with him, losing it forever. " If they were married - all wealth and assets (including 50% house ownership irrespective of what's on the Deeds) then - how does THAT work?

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Wow, Ponka - I've just read your reply. You've got ME started now! Haha (but wryly). Not an adult yet? Well, you've could have fooled me! And that's not easy to do so - you do the Math (parent-child role-reversal, anyone?). Really touching post, thank-you. Feel free to stick around (if Ricky doesn't mind?).

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Back to you, Ricky, "i'll be bck and probably even today just need to calm and center and allow my brain to talk for what it's saying. ya know?" Oh god, yeah. And that goes for just about everyone here! You be as snail-like as you like. It makes for more impactful processing, anyway, taking it slowly. Saves you from mistakenly slipping down a wrong side alley and having to use precious time backtracking. But now, I want you to consider this (if you don't mind a good ol' mind-stretch?): Along with what I've identified is by all indications behind sister's eye-avoidance - now consider this question: When one has been made to run round the 1500 metre track for the first time - at a sprint, no less - all in one go - at what point does one feel they can't go on and is desperate to go 'eff-it...eff it ALL!' and give up? Which lap out of the total 4? ("Dann-dann-daaaaaan!"....)

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(I'll wait for you to respond to those two before I address your thoughts on Narcs and Empaths.)

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thanks ponka for sharing your insights. the above is an overview and subleties left out. i've barely mentioned my kid sister. she was spoiled rotten and nothing expected. the problem is she was front and center and that scar has her today with three kids and an estranged dad with the adults sharing a meth addiction. watch how my efforts get thwarted... my mom was a flower child in the early feminism era. during this she hung around with cultist and satanist types and read associated literature. once as a child i found a box in the garage full of them, and got my first self-study. they read dry and convoluted and like fiction, but that floats a boat for some. our mom put her on anti depressants as a child while simultaneously neglecting her feelings and obvious-to-me please for attention. i took her to the side and asked the obvious parenting questions and determined she wasn't happy about the medicated solution and instead needed qyality time. she was lonely. hoo boy did i understand that immediately. after posing options she'd set the terms, and i brought her to my karate class and before she was bored (the need for it resolved) she'd obtained a red first which is huge progress showing her push to both impress me and to sweat out the 'things' she needed. we instead went into the outing phase. every weekend we'd suggest and plan where and what. over the years our relationship developed more like father and kid than siblings. homework at night got her grades up and into honor roll, and from high school she went to college with a laptop i'd bought for herand a full ride scholarship she'd worked her ass off for. and then for no good reason i've ever received she high tailed it back home and that was that. when she did drugs she'd kept it from me in such a way that i was last to know. and when i approached my mother she told me to let the adults handle it. from this i told her it's negligent, derelict, and then family was estranged. of course i notified child protective services. sister hasn't made eye contact with me since and i've tried reasonable attempts for her to open up. somewhere we'd lost our bond. perhaps calling the fuzz, but i suspect sooner for the secret was kept like a vault. the 'somewhere' in that was mom love bombing her into the perfect baby girl as a kid. my efforts didn't break the hold. she's still on drugs even though the home i bought post-college had burned down by drunken accident and her husband is estranged by our mothers adamant command. thanks again for the reply. unfortunately i'm familiar with narcs because i'm the perfect victim. my compulsion to help is worsened by my accumulation of skillsets that attract them.

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thank you soulmate for the amazing reply. ...will feel a BIT of shame. i think it's an act. the conversations have been the same every time. she comes in hot and i feel my heat rise, i set a boundary to remind her i've understood she feels i've wasted my life with her and that i'm not staying unwanted longer than i must. i reinforced this several times by cutting her off when negativity comes out by expressing 'i'm so torn up by this i really need time to process my feelings and their repercussions' and 'i may never come to terms because i'm feeling survival mode and pushed, i need to keep my composure with you for now so i don't lash out and hurt you unintentionally for the jumble of pain i'd let out.' and then 'please leave me be. i'll clean the house best i can and work on getting to work, don't let robert (boyfriend)escalate because i won't react until he puts his hands on me and those consequences hurt all of us with family fighting family.' she tried to bribe me with coney islander the night the boys moved out. i declined it politely. I suspect she's under a bad influence. Not having thought through and come to terms with her toxic baggage, unlike you. Still susceptible to the narc sales job (bare-faced lies and truth-twisting). it's true and honestly she's using him as a meat shield. he got a wild hair to evict 'family.' one renter we'd met as kids by babysitting, and the other was the adult guardianship we'd tried and failed to obtain. given no reason or explanation, one was venting crying that he didn't know where his next meal was, i shared. she tried to blame him today and i'd told her 'vicky, first time we met he came into my room wasted and we watched rick and morty as he'd admitted childhood traumas and that i intimidated him. from there i'd told you i wouldn't comment on your relationship to give you guys a chance, and trying to keep that you instead brought me into it anyways. and over the years with him you've set no boundaries and he's gotten away with you as his second mom. vicky, having allowed this it's your fault. you're homeowner and this is how it went, and that's on you.' she pivoted to instigating heated argument again but i enforced the boundary and left her to do something else. since this weekend i've been passively allowed to know she'd brought the gun back home. and on sunday night after the boys had left robert was in the kitchen microwaving with one hand and holding the gun with the other. robert is on the spectrum but i don't know where. he's developmentally in grade school and has never learned impulse control, never been made to perform chores or household maintenance, and he's quick to anger. his mom did drugs before he was born and with that start her insistence he was broken and the ins-and-outs of inpatient facilities damaged him further. he doesn't read social cues and from his mind demands always work. she was looking at selling the house and moving. i was in the room when she'd called the 'we buy houses' guy. he immediately offered a price sight unseen, offered to find her a new place, and set it as an exploding offer to add pressure. and he'd offered too much and never mentioned escrow when i'd prompted her to ask. i found out later because the renters knew: vicky's work friends had suggested and given the number. how was she scammed? easily, she ranks high in magical thinking and that valve that slows our decisions away from impulse is missing in her. i've been blamed once because i went with her to a casino, she was over 1k up and she went to the bathroom and returned to lose it all. then she said to me angrily 'why didn't you cash me out' i never went with her again. i was always reminding her of the grandeur and allure and dopamine-hijacking atmosphere of it but she never gave me heed. another time she'd gotten a call very urgently saying her amazon account is hacked and the fraud team needs to validate by third party gift cards. she then went driving to search more than one place for the giftcards, and then provided the total of 1500 to the scam which she never saw again. at the time i was working for a large tech company with consumer-facing 'tech' and one of the escalations my over paid self received was for fraud. she knew that but nothing in her slowed to consider, and the rest of that day was me probing to know it's a scam and her calling the scammer back to attempt...i don't know what. lol. it was apparent and the first clue besides the facts was the thick non-native accent and his evasive answers to common 'best-practice' probing. once she'd lost a house to in laws. they'd married but the mortgage was in his name and when they came the place was hostile and tense and when they pulled their crap she accepted and left. no further follow up. i propose she was devastated for losing her husband, he's my favorite of all of them. this is where we'd met back up again after mom disowned her for reporting a rapist to social services. proofreading it might be interesting that the reason this boyfriend and i got along so well is that after losing three chess matches to me and throwing a fit, he calmed and the hierarchy was accpted. we'd sit in cafe after work debating if aliens exist and other oddball theory-crafting or thought-experiments. these were entertaining and often ridiculous and others near our table were engaging too and the community of few who ended up piling into nearby tables became a normal. i'm recognizing techniques familiar in my mom now in my sister. the extreme patriach hating attitude and behavior that set the household asunder and two family members left swearing never to return again. and my mom's been involved in many gun-toting altercations, once even firing two rounds at me. another time she was pointing at two cops who'd responded. she was preparing an rv her husband was buying to drive to her hiding place. they opened the door and she was drawing down on them. still no repercussions even though mike (her hubs) had told them exactly this would happen. (mom setting him up to be murdered) i clued him in when i understood they were divorcing and his gut tingled i guess and he'd called cops for backup. the question for running the first time, i'd be the idiot who pushed too hard and collapsed. whew that's a lot. continue as time permits. i'm patient like a psychopath haha. and yes by all means keep eyes in here to add any time. i'm trying to add context based on personality traits you've both clued in on. subtext for a proper trouble shooting. thanks again i'll wait. :-0)

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thank you soulmate for the amazing reply. ...will feel a BIT of shame. i think it's an act. the conversations have been the same every time. she comes in hot and i feel my heat rise, i set a boundary to remind her i've understood she feels i've wasted my life with her and that i'm not staying unwanted longer than i must. i reinforced this several times by cutting her off when negativity comes out by expressing 'i'm so torn up by this i really need time to process my feelings and their repercussions' and 'i may never come to terms because i'm feeling survival mode and pushed, i need to keep my composure with you for now so i don't lash out and hurt you unintentionally for the jumble of pain i'd let out.' and then 'please leave me be. i'll clean the house best i can and work on getting to work, don't let robert (boyfriend)escalate because i won't react until he puts his hands on me and those consequences hurt all of us with family fighting family.' she tried to bribe me with coney islander the night the boys moved out. i declined it politely. I suspect she's under a bad influence. Not having thought through and come to terms with her toxic baggage, unlike you. Still susceptible to the narc sales job (bare-faced lies and truth-twisting). it's true and honestly she's using him as a meat shield. he got a wild hair to evict 'family.' one renter we'd met as kids by babysitting, and the other was the adult guardianship we'd tried and failed to obtain. given no reason or explanation, one was venting crying that he didn't know where his next meal was, i shared. she tried to blame him today and i'd told her 'vicky, first time we met he came into my room wasted and we watched rick and morty as he'd admitted childhood traumas and that i intimidated him. from there i'd told you i wouldn't comment on your relationship to give you guys a chance, and trying to keep that you instead brought me into it anyways. and over the years with him you've set no boundaries and he's gotten away with you as his second mom. vicky, having allowed this it's your fault. you're homeowner and this is how it went, and that's on you.' she pivoted to instigating heated argument again but i enforced the boundary and left her to do something else. since this weekend i've been passively allowed to know she'd brought the gun back home. and on sunday night after the boys had left robert was in the kitchen microwaving with one hand and holding the gun with the other. robert is on the spectrum but i don't know where. he's developmentally in grade school and has never learned impulse control, never been made to perform chores or household maintenance, and he's quick to anger. his mom did drugs before he was born and with that start her insistence he was broken and the ins-and-outs of inpatient facilities damaged him further. he doesn't read social cues and from his mind demands always work. she was looking at selling the house and moving. i was in the room when she'd called the 'we buy houses' guy. he immediately offered a price sight unseen, offered to find her a new place, and set it as an exploding offer to add pressure. and he'd offered too much and never mentioned escrow when i'd prompted her to ask. i found out later because the renters knew: vicky's work friends had suggested and given the number. how was she scammed? easily, she ranks high in magical thinking and that valve that slows our decisions away from impulse is missing in her. i've been blamed once because i went with her to a casino, she was over 1k up and she went to the bathroom and returned to lose it all. then she said to me angrily 'why didn't you cash me out' i never went with her again. i was always reminding her of the grandeur and allure and dopamine-hijacking atmosphere of it but she never gave me heed. another time she'd gotten a call very urgently saying her amazon account is hacked and the fraud team needs to validate by third party gift cards. she then went driving to search more than one place for the giftcards, and then provided the total of 1500 to the scam which she never saw again. at the time i was working for a large tech company with consumer-facing 'tech' and one of the escalations my over paid self received was for fraud. she knew that but nothing in her slowed to consider, and the rest of that day was me probing to know it's a scam and her calling the scammer back to attempt...i don't know what. lol. it was apparent and the first clue besides the facts was the thick non-native accent and his evasive answers to common 'best-practice' probing. once she'd lost a house to in laws. they'd married but the mortgage was in his name and when they came the place was hostile and tense and when they pulled their crap she accepted and left. no further follow up. i propose she was devastated for losing her husband, he's my favorite of all of them. this is where we'd met back up again after mom disowned her for reporting a rapist to social services. proofreading it might be interesting that the reason this boyfriend and i got along so well is that after losing three chess matches to me and throwing a fit, he calmed and the hierarchy was accpted. we'd sit in cafe after work debating if aliens exist and other oddball theory-crafting or thought-experiments. these were entertaining and often ridiculous and others near our table were engaging too and the community of few who ended up piling into nearby tables became a normal. i'm recognizing techniques familiar in my mom now in my sister. the extreme patriach hating attitude and behavior that set the household asunder and two family members left swearing never to return again. and my mom's been involved in many gun-toting altercations, once even firing two rounds at me. another time she was pointing at two cops who'd responded. she was preparing an rv her husband was buying to drive to her hiding place. they opened the door and she was drawing down on them. still no repercussions even though mike (her hubs) had told them exactly this would happen. (mom setting him up to be murdered) i clued him in when i understood they were divorcing and his gut tingled i guess and he'd called cops for backup. the question for running the first time, i'd be the idiot who pushed too hard and collapsed. whew that's a lot. continue as time permits. i'm patient like a psychopath haha. and yes by all means keep eyes in here to add any time. i'm trying to add context based on personality traits you've both clued in on. subtext for a proper trouble shooting. thanks again i'll wait. :-0)

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haha i'm on aroll. ricky, what did you do today having spider sense tingling so? first i contacted my medical office and removed family from my proxies. mom being involved they're a vector of attack. next i contacted a local crisis response team. these are the guys contracted through the city to attend dispatched mental health referrals. wellness checks, disturbance, or patient called. they keep a record for each interaction even if you're just venting. and today i'd called and got a dismissive attitude until i said 'ma'am, i know this sounds crazy but pretend i'm geniune, i'm under narcissistic attack. can you document what we talk about today and be certain that should police receive a wellness check they come like it needs investigated.' her tone softened and the rest was details and documentation. if i'm shot dead here's what threats there were first, here's who involved, and etc. getting swatted in such a way would have me removed from the house and certainly not allowed to return peacebly. and potentially the worst: death by tyranny. and then i contacted legal aide through two dispatching services and got the pro bono ball rolling with an eta of 2 weeks for their help. i intend to further document my steps in case xyz horrible thing happens. sunlight dispels the darkness. until then their vectors of attack can be identified and nullified. sleep well everyone. and thanks again SO much for giving me this attention. i'll admit it feels ...good.

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i missed some things. ponka said I'm sorry that you've spent your whole life paying for the consequences of your mother's actions, when the truth is we were pushed into church for a means of control and through this i was baptised at 9 years old where the priest told me 'if you ask god for anything he's listening' to which i'd asked god for the strength to help others. at age 10 my mom met greg whose interference lets me feel hypervigilance, and i've developed a calm-under-pressure where my mind makes the decisions and not uncertainty and fear. I hope that through all this, you have managed to capture many happy moments. many, many, many. my patronus charm is fully stocked and what i do to achieve this effect is a mind meld of sorts. i internalize and rationalize any horrible outcomes as teachable moments, breaking them down and through spatial reasoning deconstruct and rearrange and consider variables in places to infer different outcomes. and round two i focus intently on my intention to help, giving myself props for being where i was needed. i replay conversation i've had with those i'd met randomly by involving my nose in their business. in cases of extreme trauma it's possible to feel intrusive and negative thoughts. it's best to let the feelings flow instead of silencing them, and instead inserting affirmations to bolster yourself. the negative self talk (internal dialogue), spits you pain and regret and you answer it with strong affirmations contradicting it. a tangent i think bears understanding about negative self talk. as society becomes more traumatized the study of the content of this information has changed. from the last study three of four of all self-talk thoughts are negative and by definition that's ptsd level damage. yes, have hope. because in our care we are connected. and in our connections the weak become the strong. what can ever be done to you will heal and those things which cut the deepest need permission. hope counterbalances the despair. the reason i've loved the harry potter books is they're filled with psychological symbolism. dementors are despair incarnate who are magically capable to suck your very soul. and the counter spell is positive self imagery (focusing with intention on a powerfully happy memory) which then sends the attackers fleeing. i was working a brick and mortar company and standing outside with maybe 18 other people. a young woman and man were tustling and grabbing and a struggle as miss tried to extracate from mister. of all these agents they all watched but not a single person stepped up. in the time it took me to say 'f^ this, i'm not having it' i'd tossed my cigarette and very quickly made to where they were. now in the hallway with him grabbing and trying to wrestle her compliant. i'd yelled to get his attention and he lets her go and focuses me. stepping between them, i intercepted his punch and like that he was held in pain compliance. his parents now present themselves from the vehicle i'd not noticed earlier and began demanding i let him go. 'if i let him go you swear with no issues you all leave and never pull this again' and like that they left and we went to hr because that's always fun. she asked 'sir,' her voice still shaking, 'why would you ever put yourself in that position for me?' '...i got sisters.' any thoughts on where the patronus sits in this story? the young lady saw a stranger care and i validated her need and right to feel secure. that'll carry Because there are two frames of reference in-play in which one has to de-code the words and behaviour (data): yup, totally understanding that immediately. my degree set me on path to high tier tech support and we use isolation troubleshooting to effect resolutions. great callout and i'm respecting how you've put so much together. unfortunately i've learned recently i in fact do not know everything. lol ponka as i consider your estrangement i hope i'm not out of turn to say i think it's better than the toxic environment. you're making adult decisions better than most. Although reading this has sent me into tears, it's also given me a bit of hope for my future. In spite of everything, you seem to be a kind and intelligent person. it's learned behavior. the intelligence came from studyng my way out of beatings. what can i do, where's the knowledge that is power. exposure therapy to 'flood the switchboard' of social awkwardness had me winning a ribbon in a computer challenge in jr high, actually enjoying drama class sometimes, and doing well in a regional debate. i found my needs, deficits, and rationalized them into actionable steps to bolster where i could. the kindness wasn't instinct but forceful let me explain. of all my qualities this isn't inherent but developed. in truth i'd nearly went dark side during my divorce and loss of first born and felt myself walled and unreachable to scare myself one day, to then open the flood gates by giving myself 'permission' to feel. for several years actively forcing myself to be open, and over time my true personality emerged again. i regret that feeling hate and anger felt good and i'll hide from that dragon. i use distancing language, proper boundaries, and immediate feedback for those who step where it hurts. the equasion holds: the time between input and output is choice. meaning those who act on instinct are instead relying on biases and programming, and not their 'self' my replies read like kindness but that's not the place it comes from. i feel that direct and honest communication cuts barriers even when that information isn't immediately taken in. and so my words are crafted to be the least confrontational as can be within context the right 'touch' plants a seed. those harder to reach fall to seeds we plant in their garden. and so i speak truth and words are meant to benefit and that comes out kindness. if anything i might be the saddest and happiest person in the world depending on how hard i've engaged coping. sometimes i let myself run wild so that tears can fall and from that is exposure therapy. lately i've felt more of the negativity, and that's ok. life teaches us even when we refuse to learn and tears are pain leaving the body. cathartic like how bleeding once cut flushes contaminants before clotting to heal. allowing the racing thoughts of future preparation run in my head to imagine variables for how a confrontation with hostile robert would play out. thoughts on how he'd swing, where he'd trap me because of course he would, and so on. as feelings wash over me they're both unconfortable and necessary and my confidence rises as i've rationalized again and that always works. maybe i am nice but haven't had anyone model the behavior for my understanding. i wonder how close i came to embracing the dark triad before i'd scared myself, because i can take a lot and i infer me in pain and lashing out would be effective in different but equal ways to my empathic self. ...nope never could have bided it i cry at dog videos. lol thanks again for reading novels. i'm hoping details are drawing pictures for you and that i'm entertaining enough you can enjoy insights without feeling my pain (i got it covered haha)

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i found martha stout on podcast and she blew my mind in under a minute. i have both empathy and a conscience, i'm a good person. what a relief of course i question that, it's a complicated world. https://www.stevensurman.com/narcissists-sociopaths-and-the-pity-play-dr-martha-stout-explains/

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i've already restarted the podcast a third time trying to absorb it. she's gold.

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i've already restarted the podcast a third time trying to absorb it. she's gold.

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Just a quick nibble for your already whizzing bonce: From your musings... "our histories can very easily share the same stressors and stimuli. what sets us from them and why do they seek to destroy us specifically?" Genes, a strong self of self (having had the wherewithall to become our own best friend), and the biggie: Resourcefulness. And we're not just Empaths, we're Rebels/Warriors. :)

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(Ricky, great posts and I know you're very enthusiastic, which again is great, but, as the host-moderator, it's obviously for me to say that last bit and speak on behalf of this forum. Please speak for yourself, say, I'm here for you. That's all - no biggie - as you were. :)) i know this is meant to curb a bad habit but the positive feedback hits me vulnerable and i feel a cooling effect participating further.

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From what I gather - she's been *narcissised* (but is save-able), but he's a sociopath. In which case - "he got a wild hair to evict 'family.' one renter we'd met as kids by babysitting, and the other was the adult guardianship we'd tried and failed to obtain. given no reason or explanation, one was venting crying that he didn't know where his next meal was, i shared. " (What does he's got a wild hair mean?) (which country and state are you?) "she tried to blame him today and i'd told her 'vicky, first time we met he came into my room wasted and we watched rick and morty as he'd admitted childhood traumas and that i intimidated him. from there i'd told you i wouldn't comment on your relationship to give you guys a chance, and trying to keep that you instead brought me into it anyways. and over the years with him you've set no boundaries and he's gotten away with you as his second mom. vicky, having allowed this it's your fault. you're homeowner and this is how it went, and that's on you.'" - bit harsh, mate. If a partner is normal and healthy, one can manage the relationship just fine. Yes, they may need the odd vent/whinge, but - if one finds they CANNOT handle their own relationship, then that tells you all you need to know. Regardless of what she half-and-half is - she is still his Victim, under his spell (or do you really she deserves a controlling, clearly a bit criminal, slimeball like that?). Again, Google "Narcissistic Sociopath Hypnotic Effect" because if what you did there was victim-blaming, that will set her BACK.

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"i know this is meant to curb a bad habit but the positive feedback hits me vulnerable and i feel a cooling effect participating further." It's because you're rushing around the place like a mad thing, you just need to calm your jets a little so that you can be more 'present' and self-aware to any faux pas, that's all. Amongst other things, I'm here to manage everyone and give feedback - to every single poster - so if you're still feeling too raw, even for guidance, then, as I say, try to be kinder to yourself and relax. I repeat: that is all. You need to benefit from TIME here so that you know everything we do and say comes from a place of A1 intentions.

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PS: Google "NVS - Hypervigilance and Catastrophising". PPS: Why are you so hard on yourself, working yourself so hard all the time? You don't NEED to be the strong one all the time. Put your feet up and let this forum take care of you until you're ready in terms of the whole-package knowledge and confidence to try to keep helping everyone else here (albeit, by all means do manageable amounts). I.e. have a holiday on us, matey! :) Wouldn't you like a holiday? Don't you think you deserve one? When was the last time you had a hug? Or someone made you a cup of tea? Or just ANYTHING?

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On the other hand: "first i contacted my medical office and removed family from my proxies. mom being involved they're a vector of attack." WELL BLOODY DONE - FANUCKINGTASTIC! "next i contacted a local crisis response team." Ditto! "these are the guys contracted through the city to attend dispatched mental health referrals. wellness checks, disturbance, or patient called. they keep a record for each interaction even if you're just venting. and today i'd called and got a dismissive attitude until i said 'ma'am, i know this sounds crazy but pretend i'm geniune, i'm under narcissistic attack. can you document what we talk about today and be certain that should police receive a wellness check they come like it needs investigated.' her tone softened and the rest was details and documentation. if i'm shot dead here's what threats there were first, here's who involved, and etc." Good thinking, Batman! "getting swatted in such a way would have me removed from the house and certainly not allowed to return peacebly. and potentially the worst: death by tyranny." Yes, I was about to say your family is severe and you need to excise the entire lot of them. They've HAD your warnings so you've LED the horses to the water. But they refuse to drink (yet) (those in the victim roles, still incarcerated, I mean; you yourself are still in the compound and have - sorry, *HAD* yet to climb over the wall and out....because of wanting desperately to save your sister), WHEREAS, it's "Own Oxygen Mask First" - BEFORE attempting to rescue others. You are qualified and within-rights to be (cover your eyes haha) SELFISH, now/at last. To love and pamper YOU, for a bleedin change. And you're the best for doing that because you know what you like and don't like, better than anyone. Are you eating more healthily too? You can speed up your recover by doing a holistic approach, a multiple pincer-job from all angles. "and then i contacted legal aide through two dispatching services and got the pro bono ball rolling with an eta of 2 weeks for their help." Gold Star on your forehead (THLUP!) and cue Beyonce's "I'm a Survivor". Word. " i intend to further document my steps in case xyz horrible thing happens." And now you're just showing off haha (joke). "sunlight dispels the darkness. until then their vectors of attack can be identified and nullified." Eezapoet and 'e knows it haha. "sleep well everyone. and thanks again SO much for giving me this attention. i'll admit it feels ...good." Cor, whoda thunk it? :D YES. IT DOEZZZZ, doesn't it. BECAUSE NO-ONE'S EVER LOOKED AFTER YOU BEFORE, it's always been you being the boss and worker. That's what I've been trying to TELL you. ((((((((((((((((((((((PARENTAL HUG)))))))))))(stop cringing - I'm older than you - it's parental.) You'll get used to it. ;)

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Now, don't answer next, let me finish catching up (while you breathe and digest (like when 'decreasingly watching' the Cricket after a Sunday Roast that's left you stuffed). Once I'm done AND ready - I'll make it easy for you and post 'Roger - Over!'. PS (because you need the age-old antidote called, a bit of bleedin' FUN for a change).... "sunlight dispels the darkness until then their vectors of attack can be identified and nullified while I plot to get them back Thus my Me-ness" (Which (one method) is cutting them out and ignoring them. I have some litmus-testing advice re sister tho. ....Maybe notch tchoday but SHOON, and foyr the rest of youyr life (name the actor and famous film!).) Next verse - OVER TO YOU! (the exception to my Roger-Over). If you fancy it?

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PPS: another exception to the 'wait' rule, are the two questions/comments you've omitted (rush-rush) to give me an answer to: 1. ""his parents came to the state and moved into the home she'd bought with him, losing it forever. " "If they were married - all wealth and assets (including 50% house ownership irrespective of what's on the Deeds) then - how does THAT work?" How has he - Robert (we could rename him Bob, as in, no arms, no legs, floating around in the middle of the ocean or, more pertinently - Rob (he does what he sez on the tin, eh!) - have legal ownership of HER property? 2. "But now, I want you to consider this (if you don't mind a good ol' mind-stretch?): Along with what I've identified is by all indications behind sister's eye-avoidance - now consider this question: When one has been made to run round the 1500 metre track for the first time - at a sprint, no less - all in one go - at what point does one feel they can't go on and is desperate to go 'eff-it...eff it ALL!' and give up? Which lap out of the total 4? ("Dann-dann-daaaaaan!"....)" If you have addressed either of them in what followed, then ignore this - and instead have some fun with the (now) ditty.

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Just popping these back in here (from "What to do about freeloading boyfriend") - which I'll likewise answer "shoon". _____________________________________________________________________ important to stay focused on the difference because then one can formulate the appropriate, safest exit plan. i hear this. i can quit using dsm references because my last edition was 4th (gave me the overview which is what i needed). i know from pride and experience that should i read concerns from a poster i'd infer and the variables would spit out from my brain ...good ideas. creative thinking, under rated coping skill. i feel insecure hearing this because my brain is running overtime and i doubt new information will stick unless repeated, which isn't fair (you) and unrealistic for me (my plate, full. ) does your feedback mean the boyfriend here is both socio and narc? and paranoia, isn't that a checkbox for schitzoid? _____________________________________________________________________ sould my post can sit for a week if that's the time it takes for contributors to process and formulate. it benefits me to be patient. take_your_time .. to unplug you from their Matrix. and with that i just realized i've saved sooo many lives doing just what i've done here. i'm crying in revelation. thank you. afk _____________________________________________________________________

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- bit harsh, mate. - When was the last time you had a hug? Or someone made you a cup of tea? Or just ANYTHING? ... same feedback. i try to show tact and to use conversational and positioning statements to deliver hard 'realizations' like that.

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- bit harsh, mate. - When was the last time you had a hug? Or someone made you a cup of tea? Or just ANYTHING? ... same feedback. i try to show tact and to use conversational and positioning statements to deliver hard 'realizations' like that.

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(What does he's got a wild hair mean?) (which country and state are you?) tulsa, ok usa. by wild hair... basically everyone in this story i mention is dramatic for some reason. roberts family, his mother did some drugs and he was born (unsure but deficiencies) and his mom immediately neglected him, and soon enough was sending him back and forth to institutions who would send him back unchanged. she didn't take the time to teach him yes or no, and anything he asked was given. the work to train wasn't worth it. she was trying to discard him yet again and he ended up living here. my insight said vicky lowered her bar to settle down which bore true enough. she and he have never raised their voice, been over heard doing as adults do. in fact their relationship from an outside view (we always talked about 'stuff') was her wanting more money from him as she goes to the casino and spends a hundred a week on food delivery. boundaries meant to keep me from engaging drama i didn't want and they were pushed and violated persistently. ironically evicting 800/month worth of renters for a bf who speaks angrily about wanting to quit his job. now, his wild hair? that's because his mom's elderly and him and his sister are fighting tooth and nail to be the one getting her stipend check. in his mind showing her an empty house with potential might sway the decision. i believe it was pretext. ever since i slowed down by being asked to self term, i noticed an air of drama and apprehension in the house i hadn't before. unsure if this was me slowing to feel, or if something shifted. but from here sister began devaluing previous contributions and negating my protests of hurt feelings or simply refusing to respond. her ability for tone deafness is astounding. from this feeling i began to understand there was bickering between the three renters. ian, jaymison (~family), and robert. for which i stayed out of and for which made no comment even if asked. 'communication is key and it'd be rude taking sides not knowing' (and liking it that way) looking back i should have paid attention when the renters asked me too. my inaction allowed a painful trajectory. - bit harsh, mate. ...what do you mean? this is exactly the perfect response. it explained my reasoning, set a clear boundary, explained my feelings, and disengaged from the negativity. let me be clear in my take of the predicament, robert her bf is her meat shield. she made a decision and evades consequences which is common for our relationship. telling her this^ makes it real when her delusional thought that it'll be fine for me in 90 days was still ringing in my ears. If a partner is normal and healthy... in her case it's an extreme passivity where a headset and streaming from her phone tunes out his antics. (he's also an atm) she is still his Victim... unless i'm grotesquely mistaken she's not and chooses to allow and accept. PS: Google "NVS - Hypervigilance and Catastrophising". "Hypervigilance and catastrophizing" refers to a mental state where a person is constantly on high alert, scanning their environment for potential threats, and simultaneously jumping to the worst possible conclusion about any situation, often imagining disastrous outcomes even when there's little basis for concern; this is commonly seen in individuals with anxiety disorders or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). ...i'm also experiencing fight or flight. and here i'd hoped to have processed past ptsd. in the way long ago the visions and imagery and smells and taste of it all returned persistently. my internal dialogue today is a helper agent offering reminders and positivity. 'we did it before, we'll do it again' i heard today internally. i'm practices with answering negatice self talk immediately. despair not a curse i'll revisit on purpose. PPS: Why are you so hard on yourself, working yourself so hard all the time? ...it's all i have. not that i knew i'm hard on myself, but that it's hard and i'll do it. i expected to live the last months peacibly as possible in manageable conditions but that was ripped away. and now by compulsion i want to act and prepare and make the most use of my skills so that if (squashing the 'when' from my head) my body becomes incapable of even ...this. i'll take solace in the final mantra that i did my best. Put your feet up... in 90 days i'm homeless regardless of effort. i need to work. fortunately it's from home and i can scrape by doing everything in bed at keyboard. be mindful i've never described fully my daily pain and effort just for hygiene, food, etc. it crushes me, i don't want to crush you. When was the last time you had a hug? Or someone made you a cup of tea? Or just ANYTHING? ...you're too astute for me soulmate. and in my extreme loneliness i externalize and try to cure others from it. the last time i had a hug was my wife at the time before i knew she'd cheated. my family was never nurturing, and parenting came in forms of teachable moments and not from love. the pandemic hit and everyone _else too went work from home and like that people who i'd seek and socialize had become home bodies. this stopped my best coping at the time, community. today i own no property, have no irl friends, and am faced with several converging difficult problems. i'm the provider and always have been and for that to change would require me taking that break to 'retool' and change everything about my approach. me stopping momentum now would be to crash, accepting of laying in bed in pain and dying from cancer. let me clarify that her control is stemming from our mother who's guiding through militant-feminism tinged glasses and the control has lasted past the emotional blackmail of her being disowned twice to brutal effect. for sure my sister is using the same familiar playbook but whether mom's put hands in the manipulations it's unclear. not over reaching, let me explain. my mom with just one comment has drawn people in to action. and before the peace had broken at home was an incident where i'd volunteered to go with her for a quick errand, and having been jailed in a moving car she proceeded to woe is me a story and demand i take care of someone for her. the someone owed her money and she was asking violence from a cancer patient. when i told her no, she's insane and i'm done, she promised in a way that chilled me that i'd have regrets. am i over reaching that it's mom, because it could be. she's done worse and she's the closest thing to mastermind without looking at myself for how she plans and prepares and implements. oh, one more thing. the house that burned down was rebuilt, but the overgrowth and otherwise trashy nature has the city issuing fines they'll never pay. (they may be prepared for eventuals) her boyfriend isn't anything besides a child who's never seen love or told no. (i identify somewhat with one of those) and to speak honestly i'm concerned for the emotional and 'social services' aspect of their manipulation where if robert put hands on me i'm certain he'd be down. the boy's never seen discipline. my sisters failure to control him is her passivity and agreement, and a refusal in her passive-aggressive mind that the decision is made. she then wants to validate, which causes me pain. i've ran off her boyfriends before, trust that. and once she's done with them she's never hesitated to make it clear my opportunity had arisen. she chooses horribly as i allow an adult adult decisions. as obvious as that sounds my sister having been raped my compulsion was to filter and steer bad boys away. i see now the mix message, and how i was a tool. When was the last time you had a hug? ...the loneliness is real. lately because i've reached out, there are peripheral people making their way to paying attention and that's helpful. it could be true and this makes me sad to validate into words... that i've never known love and have only seen it. besides the thoughtfulness you guys show me when i'm obviously overwhelmed, my life is bereft of care. my struggle daily is to believe the good outweighs the bad and that my care can take a place in someone who needs it. i fight fatalism often enough but with so much bad news it's too easy to close the circle into a feedback loop. me as me with all the imperfections of me, i wasn't good enough to be loved in this world. maybe next time i'll start with extra credit. did i help, who knows. i'm questioning 46 years of decisions for the final nail of abandonment (and removal by eviction) having already suffered the pangs similarly for my kid sister, sandy. soulmate do you know the emotional roller coaster i'm on as you weave between harsh and helpful. to love and pamper YOU,... i don't know what that looks like or how i'd feel if i ever found it. Are you eating more healthily... no, i haven't eaten now for three days. i made a baked potato last night but it sat and got cold. i've got no appetite. "If they were married - all wealth and assets (including 50% house ownership irrespective of what's on the Deeds) then - how does THAT work?" no, this is an ex husband until now unnamed, steve g. the homie i butted heads with with tense chess games to then goof and feed. a better friend. he died from a brain 'something' very suddenly. his parents came and intimidated her and she'd signed something before being allowed to pack and leave. she was distraught when contacting me after this happened. and it's why we coinhabited and i'm so crushed that today i'm hated and a leach. her husband only was on the lease and she was so torn had declined any follow up i was quick to suggest. she's ran from guy to guy and sometimes more than one juggled in a wrong kinda way. i keep out of that until asked because my instinct instead is act immediately. lol, brothers. 2. "But now, I want you to consider this ...speak plain i don't understand. this is asked in the same post as serious, making sure it's a joke i missed.

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Pasted in from thread "I gaslit myself..." ( https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13838/i-gaslit-myself-into-thinking-i-was-different-people-for-an-exfriend#jumptobottom) _____________________________________ Yeah, well, if he comes after you I'll talk you through how to squish him and squish him gooood, and whereby he wouldn't even suspect it were you (we can all be sneaky and counter-manipulative, eh. soul if i wasn't concerned for the weaponized me as (insert personality disorder here) i'd be asking how to do that. but really instead if you know ways i can bolster my defenses using that information i'd onboard that. i try to avoid new things i could abuse until i know and agree i can handle it. (on my thread and as your time permits, any response at all is accepted) (we can all be sneaky and counter-manipulative, eh...we just don't ever bother, ok, i understand. i'll leave the response here for its tellingness. lol they LIKE things that way it starts with damage that causes insecurity and a need to control as means to meet needs. my mental health really does come down to 'did i internalize or externalize' i could have easily been somewhere in this dark triad that i'm laying here shivering in memory of. and that i'm giving and not taking, that was CHOICE which formed good habits and now ...compulsion. hahaha, compelled to help. f me, get me inpatient because that's nuts they like it, and chose it. and that's truth. and like that i've rationalized to further understand myself, and the world i'm in. thank you all! _____________________________________

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Ricky, not a rhetorical question: Please could you make me understand why are you posting again, when you've seen me ask you more than once to slow down then down-tools to let me catch up with all of your posts?

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i didn't see you ask. and the last you did you said the ok roger. perhaps take the jokes out from replies so the rest isn't lost in translation. but i see discipline which i want to accept. let me fix the problem immediately. thanks everyone, take care.

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Pasted in from thread "Felt awkward asking her out" (by established long-hauler, Marpip): _______________________________________________________ Ricky (you first, cos you started it, and, taking this step-by-step in-order so there'll be no misunderstandings): "get over her immediately. women destroy simps. take that search to youtube or similar and watch some compilation videos to understand. i get a sense she'd be how my ex wife was. kids that aren't yours and affairs you'd be delusional to believe weren't happening. while she entitled herself to your cash which is never enough. you dodged a bullet. and feel encouraged to reject her brutally if she ever comes around." 1. No-one can get over someone immediately. Unless one was secretly never bonded, or not nearly enough, in the first place (just pretending/conning). Maybe it was a figure of speech, however, we need to be very precise and clear here. 2. No, Women *do not*. FEMALE NARCISSISTS do (- gender to-all-intents immaterial), all the way down to 'mere' spoilt-baby narcissist-IC types. 3. Simps and Doormats are what Narcissists use to manipulatively shut victims up via gaslightingly provoking too much shame in their victims so that said victims will dare not blow the whistle lest they get labelled, Simps and Doormats. It's a Narc-propogandist myth. Same (most of the time) as "Co-Dependent" (no, that's the Narc but s/he infects you/dumps his/her issues on you). 4. "While she entitled herself to YOUR cash"??? Que???? If you are married, there's no longer any such thing as your-singular wealth and assets (and interpersonal rights). It's by-law 50-50. Question: what did you mean by 'your'? I didn't, however, take you literally with 'brutally' (lost in translation, maybe?). _________________________________________________________________________________________ Next post.... (oh, great)... "understand that while you find the proper place for the improper ventings that your words have impact on others. remember that this forum directs itself to helping those dealing with harsh realities. " Here we go/went? Ricky, again...like I've basically been increasingly intimating on your thread (but now forced to spell it out in giant neon): Who died and made you forum Moderator and Host? Did you see me resigning? Exsqueeze you? You've been here all of 5 minutes. You are in no way within-right or qualified to be speaking on behalf of this forum. ***Non-rhetorical question: What on earth was it that made you think you were at liberty to?*** So - "forgive me mods if this is out of turn...". No. I will not. It's just too cheeky. And yes, out of turn. I reiterate: The only person allowed to critique, lecture, tick-off, judge Posters is me. Ricky, google "Shadhida Arabi - Boundaries", please. This is a main Narc Flea (that I've mentioned) inside your clothing, now strongly identified, and you need to locate it to pluck it out (I'll help on your thread - all in good time, obvs)....then slather it in Supaglue before flinging it back towards whichever Narc in your "faminily" it jumped over from. But now this ending just irks me, this was REALLY pushing the boundary-smashing boat out! : "you're toxic and you need to calm yourself down. you're not as smart or experienced as you think you are, and these people don't deserve you. quit thinking about yourself for once and go read how others are coping for examples. you need this forum and i feel you'll be banned soon, and i've seen enough pain already. i don't want that for you." Marpip is toxic??? Be BANNED SOON???? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! Non rhetorical again: Where the beep did you get THAT from?! FYI I'll be pasting this over to your own thread as well as all the others, but I want your answer here in front of Marpip because your final flourish showed you were DETERMINED to get a punch in, so much so that you posted a fakely conciliatory-sounding beginning to your (what should have been) apology post before you dealt it. No-no-no-no-no. That is NOT funny in the slightest. Explain yourself, please. ________________________________________________________ Repeating that I'd like you to explain yourself to Marpip over on his thread since that's where you pounced on him sans provocation. And then I'll paste that in here too.

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" didn't see you ask. and the last you did you said the ok roger. perhaps take the jokes out from replies so the rest isn't lost in translation." No, sorry, I'm not prepared to change who and how I am, against the majority that like it, for the one person who doesn't and simply because he refuses to slow down and read properly and thoroughly or take any instruction. There onus there is on you. "but i see discipline which i want to accept. let me fix the problem immediately. thanks everyone, take care." Legging-it (presumably because you'd already seen what I've just pasted-in here - me asking you over on Marpip's thread to explain yourself, rightfully and appropriately in front of he whom you've just attacked...he who was just merrily minding his own business) is not fixing, it's avoiding...trying to escape the consequences of your actions. Are you going to do that - and within an appropriate response time? If not, I think, from what I've additionally seen - particularly today/yesterday - and the 'bull in china shop' mess and chaos you've been creating all over the shop, through boundary-crashing and failing for whatever reasons my supervision attempts, it's too soon in your recovery for you to be here. I mean, I have literally been spending all afternoon, going, 'Ricky?....Ricky?....Ricky?'.... which is not fair on other posters. And now this meaningless, unprovoked, outright attack on one of my regulars. (It's very disappointing, I must say; I had (future) high hopes for you before you started going rogue.) So - ARE you going to do that - including promising to ensure we never again see a repeat (anywhere, to anyone) of it?

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i've received this message. hang tight

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Oh my... I think this is the most active I've seen this forum be, which I'm not really sure whether or not that's a good thing right now. I'll be hanging tight alright.

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oh good more disapproval and digs from soulmate. having identified my weakness and exposed and me having exascerbated a mental health crisis. let me continue that by onboarding more devaluation. your narcissistic attack is the most cruel thing i've felt in recent memory. SHAME on you for knowing better and dishing punishment instead. your righteous anger was too pointed, and correct, and your criticisms cutting to the bone. There onus there is on you... yup, you're right. i exposed myself and through crisis lashed out and harmed another. my narcicissistic attack is NOTHING to yours. don't change a thing though, the group agrees so you're covered, no teachable-moments in any of this for you. 'bull in china shop' ... yup you got me to a t. i over extended and didn't slow down enough to even think let alone read and understand. and in all this punishment your intentional destruction of my trust and hope and the light i'd been posing to still possess. it's gone as i try and mantra positivity which doesn't take. my mind had turned on me the same as you have. (It's very disappointing, I must say; I had (future) high hopes for you before you started going rogue.) narc build you up to tear you down and gain pleasure. whether you're a narc or not i don't know. you had me fooled until i FEEL your touch destroying me. So - ARE you going to do that - including promising to ensure we never again see a repeat (anywhere, to anyone) of it? ...i've made amends the best i can. and no i can't make promises to make myself a liar, i don't trust myself to not do this again, and my optimism was false enough before and gone now. pretext is gone, i'm not fit for human consumption. i'm presenting for the punishment i deserve until you dismiss me, and then i'll leave.

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soulmate professionals are told not to leave patients ina vulnerable state after their session. YOU KNOW BETTER to keep me in my mental health issues awaiting for your judging eye. i'm writing my final goodbye to post here soon and then i'll bookmark and read replies. i doubt i'll post ever again, so keep the insults and digs out to not trigger my irrational self. i'm taking that pain inwardly which is safer.

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lol i'm entertained every time i refresh the forum reposts my previous how obnoxious. i'm posting my hopefully final message in a few and then hitting logout (to then refresh occassionally for feedback) i expect nevcer to trust myself again and so me contributing here is a no go. ban, don't ban. i'm done. push your nuke button if it satifies you

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only ask for a reply from me if you don't 'come in hot.' my admission about a psychotic break is REAL. i've lost everything that was once comfortable to me all of it a very slow and known burn: voluntary, involuntary, emotional, and physical. (born premature to overdose and neglect) and spiritually, because hope was god i carried as a torch, though he never spoke back. how delusional to live a morally righteous life. god isn't real and so my idealism as being the world's bullet proof vest did nothing but cause me additional pain. let me assure you i've NEVER lashed out irrationally like that before. i give and give and give and i question if i know what love is, though it's my top value and romantic comedies my favorite genre. and kindness, get real. i'm technical support and generalist problem solver, not confidant and respected equal. my twin got giftcard scammed without ever asking me advice while running around town to comply, and my job included fraud escalations. she ignored my experiences by nature of not caring how i provided a lifestyle. this has happened at every opportunity with my mother repeating often and sometimes with examples ricky's adjectives 'asshole, crazy' such that ricky is an asshole, ...look. the damage is done and my trust is broken. i'm so far outside of myself right now none of these words are approved for prime time. the heat in my head and how my eyes are sprinkling small dots, and how my heart pounds in my chest, and how my internal dialogue punishes me so. i asked for it. give me the brutal truth, show me how to defeat a narc. i acted out like a narc would and saw whom i thought an empath tear me down and leave me feeling this numb. it's such a dull but euphoric heat of a feeling as my feelings drain that i'm drawn to embrace it. i won't allow myself to feel again because it's hurting me so badly. and i won't ever open up again because i came here vulnerable and trusting and from a mistake i was destroyed. my posting earlier saying this place was my third attempt. third try _ever in my adult life of 46 years to open like this. my family all being snakes i didn't know i was one too. it's a very uncomfortable realization. i won't die alone like my post says, i've found what feels like an acceptance. if i know this feeling it's been so long, my next step _was to wallow in despair. i think this time despair and i will hang out like good buddies and soon enough we'll 'go', and like that i hadn't 'left' alone. and with this a comfort that i can't be lonely with this constant tug of numbness, and some stressors are less calling for attention, and relief reinforces me giving in. the world is pain and my fight to help that has only ever ended in my disasters. what i can't carry in my skin i carry on my soul and i'm so weighted it crushes me against the positive intent i once had. in a way this fixes my problem because i'll allow myself to numb these feelings and afterwards the necessary steps for my survival _may be easier to approach. or i'll surrender, i haven't decided. my options were limited when i came here and i'll leave with broken trust and a punishment i'll torture myself for knowing i deserve. why embrace the numbing despair, it's comfortable. let me find that zone as you guys watch me humiliated and outcasted. Good luck. I'm gunning for you. Truly. ...i know you are. i've read back and saw you correctly identifying some of my personality deficiencies, and me with feedback saying i'm fragile, and how you'd noticed i was paranoid. and you didn't match that against the attempts i'd made to provide help or consider me trying to do all that was to open posters to reply to mine. and as posters call out my obvious over-trying, my inability to sit down and rest, that nobody's ever cared for me, the thought that just maybe i'm fueled by an intense loneliness. that my pain is more than i was saying. you clued into all of this and without proper care and by violating best practices you expose this forum to me while i'm so unstable. people for which have their own problems and don't need to see this much pain repeated for effect. and they see you with righteous anger lashing out. both inappropriate in this setting for obvious reasons. and you destroy a man for showing his vulnerability and going into crisis, to smack me down and take the last trust and hope i owned. i suspect you saw me in crisis and took your opportunity to punish me. how dare you leave me this impression. and you once ccalled me harsh (i wasn't, just needed to clarify my post) leave your posts up next to my replies. blast it to every piece of the forum. i'll take screen captures for everything i've touched and copying this thread last, i'll be gone. there's no forgiveness for me, i'm embracing solitude to never hurt again. how egregious of me. some day if i'm ever ready i can read my screen captures for clues and insights i missed while insanity had me. that makes me nervous but fortunately the cancer is doing its job. my pains never mention like the constant fever, the nausea and vomiting, the pain in my side as cancer eats me as lunch. it's not so bad when my feelings and mental health are so off balance, but i've noticed others when i've told these things change and it becomes uncomfortable, and so i modulate these details. to take advantage of the vulnerable who showed trust and who made a painful mistake upon another, for personal gain. you remind me so much of my extended family with their ability to subvert my intent to be weaponized and useful. why my trust is gone is no wonder, i've lost everything i owned so recently it stings in my chest. i was too fragile for your insights and punishment. though i understand what you did, the mirror you held showed me the same pain i'd caused marpip. i know i deserve it and so my self punishment can match that publically displayed here. next time i'm feeling brave i'll squash that down. cowards live longer and happier, and are rarely outcasted. but in this a missed opportunity to HELP ME. and another to show leniency and understanding. and as others see the pain i'd caused and your retribution i hope they see me the perpetrator for how forceful you are has me feeling conflicted. my crime and from your resonse, your crime, makes the truism 'hurt people hurt people' true i deserve what i get. somehow in me i brought myself the world i deserved. i'm in hell and i'm ok with that until i'm ...not. this should be my last post. i've said my peace and i've slowed down to make sure i express feelings and not insults. i tried to identify alternate courses so that my pain teaches someone else the skills i WISH i had while bragging about them. i was trying to convince myself the fight was worth it. it _never has been worth it. narcs destroy empaths and i held out this long but those coping i've bragged and taught others... my issues are wayyy beyond normal coping with all the abnormal in my perview. and so coping is nothing. for instance my post about setting a boundary with my sister trying to further devalue me, she still tries and she's used an intermediary most recently. and in all of this aftermath my post is forgotten and my loss is palpable. i want you to see my last attempt at properly coping with my 'losses.' i've been under barrage of consequences for a mistake i immediately owned up to and profusely explained and apologized for. let me leave you with this video. cops receive a wellness check request and murder the 'suspect.' 911 Call for Help Goes HORRIBLY Wrong | Family Sues for $1.5 Million! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HB1R4uJjZzA don't wellness-check for me. i'm not really ready to die though it feels that might be soon. i watched tulsa cops arrive for a noise complaint and taze a pregnant woman through her fence that separated them. i was 30 feet away at the kids table. again, don't wellness check me. my body can't take any more tyanny on it. and somehow i feel you might and that it's coming from a malicious place. and then i remember i miss my dog. and i'm crying again maybe the last time, he deserves that respect for actually being there for me. my god how did i get here. i'm done as the manipulated doormat and i don't bare the same respect now for my (perspectives matter) perpetrator. and my paranoid mind sees all this about him and i wonder where my case study will appear online. logging out.

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i've been more patient than you were calling me to the carpet. it's been long enough. i'm deactivating and moving on. damn you if you think this is ok. ~gone

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This is sad. I thought Ricky was a nice dude. I saw the posts and I don't think that was okay for him to do that. You did what you needed to do, Soulmate, I get that, it is your job after all. I just feel bummed he decided to go. I wish him luck :( -Ponka

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thanks ponka i appreciate the positive feedback. yeah i was horrified i'd done that. my problem with soulmate isn't that he's wrong, but that i am. with his knowledge he knew better and made a binary choice help/punish. i've slowed down and got perspective, and it hurts no ne to be angry. i found a resource that's covered through most insurance, they're like a case management and mental health crisis counseling service. the step's i'd taken above about protecting myself, and reaching out for help re legal aide and housing, they're one upping that by offering to three way calls to help me through the beurocratic hurdles. i've got hope for tomorrow and with forgiveness and patience i could return and contribute. just, i need help too. life is hard. thank you, ricky pyx health 1 (855) 499-4777.

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It'll be okay, Ricky. Everyone needs a bit of help sometimes. I truly think you're a good person, there's just a lot of strong feelings that the majority of people need help dealing with. I understand why you would be angry. You've had a complicated life and, just to put it simply, grew up with the wrong kind of people. I hope that you can turn that anger into determination, and redirect your frustration another way to something more fulfilling. I'm rooting for you on that. -Ponka

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