Advice please on how to deal with male colleague and jealous husband

Hi! I work with people and have to be service minded. I'm married. I made the mistake in the past when asking my husband for advice on how to deal with flirtatous customers. He has a jealous streak which I feel goes away and it can be long periods of time or short periods. Something triggers it that has nothing to do with me. It makes me sad. To me he is sensitive and he reads all sorts of things into my behavoir as suspiscious. I feel it when he's like that and then I feel as if I'm holding my breath some. I have left him once over issues we had (I'm not gonna get into that). It had nothing to do with me being into some other guy or wanting to be single so I would meet someone new. I was actually heartbroken when I left him, hurt and angry. I am now in a situation and been for quite some time but I feel it has escalated where one male colleague of mine (not single) is joking too much but in a flirtatous way with me and the way he is everyone hears he's doing it. I don't like attention like that. I'm always nice and polite to everyone and I'm stunned when he's like that. I don't know how to respond. I have never flirted with customers or male colleagues while in this relationship, marriage. Before when I was single I would not flirt because I wanted my work place to be strictly professional. My female colleague have been telling me from time to time about someone they then think are into me like that (romantically). They state it always as if it is a fact. I don't know what to say. I find it embarrassing. To me I look like everyone else. I have issues even with parts of my body. I'm not that good looking. I don't turn heads. I don't understand why this keep happening. It's not every guy, so far from it, but it is happening. I don't know how to deal with guys that are like this. What to do, please? Too I've been told in order to make my husband feel less jealous, insecure, to be honest about everything, but I'm unsure if I should be about this. He would show up at my work or be waiting outside of work in the past. If I say something about this I'm afraid he will get back to being jealous and he will do such things. I love him and he loves me. Beside from the jealousy we have a good life. What do I do? If anyone knows please let me know.

Hi Geelives and welcome! Sorry for the delay - I or someone else will be with you just as soon as we can. :)

(Just bumping you back up the board to keep you prominent)

(...and again)

Hi Geelives, Your situation is a tough one for me to give advice on, since I can only imagine how difficult it is to be a woman in this situation. You seem to be pretty happy with your relationship and are secure in it, and yet you have a partner who does not feel entirely secure, and a coworker who complicates everything and embarrasses you just with their own personality and the way they conduct themself. My first instinct would be to point out that you are in the service industry, and that you are dealing with the public and even that can be unpredictable and open you up to potential flirtations and other such nonsense. And it does sound like you have had issues on that front, so I am sorry. But it sounds like the bigger problem is dealing with this kind of behavior from coworkers, and I can entirely relate to that because I've often had problems with certain coworkers. Looking at things from the coworkers perspective, I guess there are some options you could consider: You could take this coworker aside and try to explain your situation to them, and see if they understand and are willing to change their behavior. Of course, thinking about some of my own coworkers and even friends I've worked with over the years, people often have their own unique personalities and can't change how they act unless they make a serious effort to change themselves. My one buddy had always said potentially rude and immature things and likely won't ever change that, it's just in his nature and that is how he has always lightened the mood in the workplace. My experiences with a lot of other coworkers has shown me that they can be downright cruel about things, and even if they act polite after hearing such a request from you, they will likely gossip and judge you and just be butt-wipes in general after the fact. I, myself, have been on the other side of this before and had a borderline unhealthy crush on a female coworker. What if this guy does actually sort of have a thing for you? It could become complicated. And I guess he could mature and move on from it if that's the case, but that could take who-knows-how-long. Fortunately, it's not sounding like that's your situation. Of course, there is always the possibility that this coworker will hear you and do their best to change course, and maybe that will be enough - for this particular situation. It won't change anything when it comes to other coworkers, new and old, or once again your customers. But it is an option. You could transfer to a different location with your job, if that's an option. Or apply to a different job. But that opens up a whole other can of worms because then you don't know what you're going to get at the new place. It might solve your immediate situation, but introduce you to other ones. I've done a bit of job-hopping over the years to try and fix problems in the workplace, and maybe it can improve some things but I can't say it's resolved much so far. One thing that might be helpful is finding, perhaps, a job where you work with less co-workers, on a smaller team, or a bigger team, or even on your own more. It's worth considering, but I get the impression your situation might not be so bad that you have to consider this option, yet. You could also try changing shifts, or working different hours if that is an option. You could try your hand in another department. Or, if there are supervisor positions available, you could go for a promotion and try taking on more of a management role, where you would have a position of authority over your coworkers and it would give you even more reason to ask them to keep it professional. I don't feel you should have to go that far and make all of this effort just to correct this issue, but it's a tool you could use if you think it aligns with what you want to do. I don't think you should overlook the other two obvious elephants in the room, however. Your husband's insecurity is still something of an issue. And, you seem to have your own issues with self-esteem or body dysmorphia. Maybe these are things that you should give more consideration and thought to, and not simply accept your current place with each of these issues. That's where I'm going to end my response for now. Hopefully that gives you some things to think about.

Hi Balance, thank you so much for trying to help me. I was about to give up on getting any responce. Thank you too so much for your compassion and understanding of my situation. When female co-workers has pointed it out to me in the past they have not given me any advice on how to deal with it. I know it spurrs things up. Female co-workers can feel that the guy favorites me because of it, not because how I interact or do my job. I have been told by female co-workers as well that they rather come to me if they need help with something. The women who has pointed it out to me that they see what's going on with the guy, I would say have stronger boundaries but at the same time they can create conflict when there does not have to be one. I've experienced female co-workers that has a mother instinct to them so when this happened when I was younger they got protective of me, which I appreciated. Always I want to pretend it is not happening or that it will pass on its own. it's gonna sound weird but all my life no matter what school they put me in (we moved around a lot and I had to change school a lot) it was always the same thing. They boys would detect me. I was never the popular girl in the class nor did I ever want to be, become one of them in their pointless chase of putting everyone else down just so they could feel better about themselves (as that was what it was all about, acting secure, bullying others who had insecurities, and saving themselves, not caring about anyone else). Over time no matter how small I tried to make myself there were those who started to like me, did not have to be in a romantic sense, but I've learned that I for some reason grow on people, not everyone, but it does happen. I figured that was the case with my husband, I grew on him. I was not suppose to, but it happened. I think in some ways he was not actually experienced enough, matured enough, to have a long lasting serious relationship, when he met me. There was always a reaction from others how good looking he was, so I know he had his options too, but one thing I knew by then is that men too can feel as if they're just meat, objectified, and locked in, framed in, as if they can't have other qualities to them or as if the other qualities they do have are not viewed as strong as they in fact are. I use to date someone extremely good looking guy, from the response of others, me myself too thinking that, and him too being aware of it, before my husband, and what happened is that no matter where we would go in our every day life, innocent places, he would get attention, which meant that I too would get attention. I don't like attention. I could tell by how the females were that they had already placed him where they thought he should be in the human race, they simply could not get or accept somehow that he was with me. It was as if that was somehow insulting to them, personally. Females I did not know. Complete strangers. Looking back I can't believe they would do that. I would never think of doing that to someone else. Not once did I ever sense anything in him responding to the attention, he was focused on me, us talking, or what ever. But he was aware of the looks. He was aware of the surrounding. I think he knew, just like my husband, how to play the game, and to some extent appreciated the compliments, from others. I've always felt as if everyone else knows how to play this game but me, but in another way I don't want to play it. I was terribly shy before. I know this shyness returned to me while dating the extremely good looking fellow. One time before we were to meet out I think I had anxiety. It was during that moment I decided I could no longer see him. I thought I was jealous too. I thought I can't go on living like this, it's going to be a nightmare. I could not go no place with the extreme good looking guy. It was as if others refused to accept other parts of him, his serious side, his intellect, what he was really interested in - it was about those things we connected. Had from the start. I guess I could not take others comparing us, I couldn't handle the mean girls. The extremely good looking guy did not take no for answer when I said I could not see him anymore, asking why. I know it was all my fault. I could not deal with it. My solution to it was to run. I get if he did not like me after that. He had done nothing wrong. The opposite. It was all me. Something similar happened with my husband, we connected the same way I had connected to the extreme good looking guy. When I was dating my husband I had somehow gotten further in knowing that what happened with the other guy was all down on me. My husband would tell me later on that he knew he could not come on to me like he could with others because he knew I would not respond to it, the way it was expected. He would say he was afraid to loose me before he got me. The only way he knew how to play this was by mostly trying to play it by my rules, that he thought were my rules. There's always been someone in his family that has made cruel remarks on how he's better looking or better at doing anything, really, than I am, always comments to make me feel as if I am not worthy of my husband, that there's been some kind of error, he should have found someone better. I got pushed down til I could not take it no more, one of the reasons I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He tells me he thinks that family member is an idiot, but at the same time they have a different relationship. I have a tendency to draw people in that have much more emotions, acting out more, which is the case with the male co-worker. I am more of an introvert, more careful, need to think things through before I can tell you how I feel about something. This got to be an issue with my husband when we would discuss or fight about something that he would act out much more than I did. I have tried to avoid the male co-worker since the last incident. I don't know if he gets that or if he himself felt he went too far in the moment, or possible if someone else told him to take it easy. That has been the only tactic I've used so far, to try to avoid. I will consider other options, thank you. I will try to work on myself, somehow, LOL.

Hey again Geelives, You sound in your sign-off as if you think Balance is done and dusted? Nuh-uh. He only said he was ending his response FOR NOW (which means, to give you your turn to respond to what he's written thus far). This isn't Quora where you post once and get one response. We're slow but we're good. :) Keep going with him - this is a good start. :) Plus, have a read of his own thread and you'll see he and you have an awful lot in-common, albeit he's further along that 'path' than you (- famous Chinese proverb: 'To know the road ahead, ask those coming back'.) (I'm just reading along. I'll only step in if I think something's being missed out.)

Hey to you too Soulmate! And thank you really :) I've tried to find the thread but am afraid I haven't as of yet . I have thought about what was written. I do understand the difficulty people are having when they develop feelings for someone they work with as there is no really immidiate escape, they got to go to work. I get that nobody in this world can help if their chemistry is just right. I always understood that could happen. To anyone. That you are not a bad person because of it. But that it is another to act on it. I get if that is difficult as well. I know stories of people going through this. I don't excuse infidelity. I suppose what I'm saying is that it's not always black and white. As for me and my husband I am surprised we made it so far, we were in so much deep water, way over our heads, both of us sensitive and showing all sorts of awful signs we were heading for disaster, when I left him. We then got each of us back into shape, mentally speaking, and continued on that path. I thought we were doing really good. I've forgiven him and he's forgiven me for how we were back then. Before. I think under any pressure we can all crack open, we're just humans, we do our best, but sometimes not even ourselves knows where we go wrong, when we crash and burn. We got this set back, this jealousy thing going, after my husband lost someone he loved dearly (and who loved him dearly). I would not notice he was jealous at first. He would make comments about that now that this had happened, he knew he would not be able to survive it/life, if I was to leave him too. I had no thought of leaving him. I tried to be as supportive as I could. Tell him I wasn't leaving. I have asked him what have I done to cause him to be jealous of me. He returns to saying I left him before, I could do it again. What if someone comes along? What if everything I felt was wrong about us before would return to me again? I would tell him we're grown since then. Our lives are not the same. We have made changes. We're good now. My fear is if I have now kept this from him, and he discovers it the wrong way, for example if the male co-worker does something at work when my husband is there, what will happen then? How will my husband respond to it? He won't trust meno more? I was told before that it was stupid of me to ask him what to do about guys that were flirtatious during my work hours, that me telling him that made him insecure, jealous. That I only had myself to blame. I suppose I always assumed he would not get jelous of me as I thought he was good looking, everyone telling me so. he's said he's always found me attractive, says he loves the whole package, me as a person. I would seek advice on how to deal with his jealousy expressing itself the way it did. I got confused by how to go forward. He was told to not act right away, but try to stop himself from having me under his control (checking my whereabouts or my cellphone, tracking me which only confirmed to him what I had already told him, where I was. He had done this without me knowing, before, and I had never done anything bad, but he still had that need to check). That reassurement. I was told too that I had to set boundaries but at the same time stay calm. I was honestly confused as to what to do. His need to check and how he would read things (the wrong way) began to frighten me. I know it effected my speach or me trying to type words. When it was really bad, I felt watched by him 24/7. I was afraid anything innocent could be read by him as something wrong. One time when I had read an article, gossip, news article, about another couple, he would ask me why I read that junk, was I thinking of leaving too? (There was rumor they were to split up). He was so jealous that any threat, such as an article, me choosing to read that, was enough. I thought if he reads that much into that, what else can he get in his head? I've been asked if he's been abusive, physically or threatening and he hasn't. But when he would get jealous like that, when he was trapped himself, I could tell he felt he had every right to check, every right to ask or accuse. Then as I would say no, it wasn't like that, he would say as if he trusted me only half the way, that it was OK, he just wanted to know, as I had not told him (I did not know I needed to tell him), he felt in his right to ask. When it would pass I would tell him how it made me feel when he got like that. There was then this part of him telling me he could not relate to that as he felt he welcomed the other way around, that everything had to be in the open, that I could do the same to him, but I did not feel no need to. If lets say he was to go out and meet up with a friend or two. I did not feel a need for him to have his picture taken or me having validation to know where he was he said he was. But I would get that the other way around. He would try to act as if he wasn't doing it. One time my friend who knew nothing about all this was ready to take a photo of us. I know I smiled at the photograph, but on the inside I felt sad, scared and violated in some way. Him pressuring me to take that photo was not fun, was not innocent. It was him checking the photograph to see what was in the background. Was I where I had said I was with my friend. He says he appreciates that I talk more these days, that we have this ongoing open communication, that he's missed that, a lot. How we use to be before. Us discussing things or if we do have a fight, they are different these days. In our past I would realize it was no use saying anything because he would simply take charge. I would hate the thought of knowing I would have to bring something up because I feared he would react like that, hours or days of it. He would complain he could not communicate with me, that I shut him out, which made him work himself up more, out of frustration. He said that it was as if I was behind a wall. He couldn't get to me. I know now that if I am overwhelmed and if someone is coming on too strong I may look as if I don't care, but I do. He says that me looking like that scared him. I've been asked how I feel when that happens. I feel numbed. I feel overwhelmed. I don't know how I feel, really. I'm having trouble findint them, feeling them. This makes me slow. It has always been his feelings that take charge. We've never had silent treatments any of us, we've always kept communicating about other things. I've tried to tell him I'm not doing it on purpose. But when he's been like that I feel he or we are not ready for the next step. He won't hear me. He's all wrapped up by everything he feels and thinks. The other things we could always still communicate about did not bring us closer, but it was still a form of trust, and a form of safety, that no matter what we still had that. We were still always kind to one another. I'm afraid too if the male co-worker starts something that my husband will tell me why I did not put an end to it before. If I go the same way, respond the same way, I do him when he says I'm behind the wall. I can't really say what the male co-worker is up to, I think it is a personality trait of his the way it went. I don't really know what to say about it.

I will try to respond to you later today. I read your first response, but not Soulmate's reply or the latest entry. I'll probably re-read it all later on. I feel like I have to sneak around using this website because I don't want people in my life knowing I frequent here. I have been visiting here since about 2015, (under another username at first) and so far have apparently been able to maintain my privacy and anonymity. My girlfriend has been making it difficult lately, and this really isn't any of her business. I'll respond to as much as I'm able to tonight. I should have a little more time to do so today.

Hey Geelives, Well, I'm caught up on the thread now. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back to responding to this one. Unfortunately, I might only have like half an hour to give you more feedback, but I'll try my best for now. So I think the thing is, you really, clearly, love your man and you are happy with what you have. You realize it isn't perfect, but also that nobody is - we all have flaws and shortcomings. I do, my girlfriend does, and any other would-be partner you might have if you and your partner broke up would as well. That all comes as a packaged-deal with everyone. Maybe your husband's jealousy and insecurity does go a little overboard. Maybe not. I think part of it is, we decide what baggage we think we're comfortable with when we start dating someone new, or else try to accept it. The other part is, we don't actually know how deep that baggage runs or how things will actually play out when the situation comes to a head until it actually does. I had more written here, but I feel like I was going off-topic too much. And now my girlfriend is talking to me on the phone about work and I can't think to really answer. Okay, I'm sorry. I will try to respond again another time.

Here you go, Geelives (Balance's thread): https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13862/seeking-general-life-feedback

Sorry Geelives. I was trying to think of more to say in response to your situation, but the inspiration hasn't really found me for this one yet. Soulmate might be out for a few days, but me and other users here might try to keep responding to threads. I keep coming back to this whole point of, basically, you choose what you're willing to put up with from a partner. You choose to deal with them and their baggage they bring. I'm not even sure if it's accurate. Or if it's entirely truthful. I think my current relationship is starting to show me that there are definite breaking-points, and places where you're bound to clash over and over again over the same issues. So my ex-wife, we had our highs and lows. I think our age difference was a big issue, and one that we couldn't really bridge. A lot of the problems on my side, not to justify it, is just that I had never been with anyone before her and so I was just kind of learning as I went... And what I wanted grew and changed with me. Really, I'll say it right now - the whole thing was my fault. I shouldn't have initiated the relationship with her, but I was lonely and depressed, and I just wanted to be with someone and to get out of the situation I was in. For her part, my ex was often controlling and unfair about the dynamics in our relationship. She also had some pre-existing childhood traumas, which I only learned about as the years went on. I still can't really say for sure whether or not she looked at the world through a more or less optimistic lens than me. She couldn't get over a lot of her own personal stuff, though. I felt like I was more adaptable than her, for sure. At the end of the day, I just don't think she could live her life like me. And that's okay. She was the bigger person, and she chose to end that relationship. And at first that really hurt, but I realized that I was giving up on my own life and my dreams to continue to be with her - just so I wasn't alone. I still don't feel happy with my life. But there were four especially memorable years there where, for a little bit, it kind of felt like I had grown the most as a person in my life. I had more confidence and independence than at any other point in my life. Not all at once, but eventually. And I didn't realize it at the time, but now I see that it's much better to be alone and live life on your terms, than to be with someone and to have to bend your life to their terms.

Thank you Soulmate I've read through it and found it interesting , I hope everything works out. I think personally that before you set your mind on how to go about something is the most confusing time, you do your weight on what works and works not in life, where you've been, why you feel this way (or that way). When you do know, when your mind is set you truly know yourself and you know your boundaries. You let nobody or nothing stop you from going there. You can be in a difficult spot at the time but by that time once you've decided it is as if you have already left, you have this shelter. They or what ever can't get to you. Compromising in a relationship has to go two ways, not always, but it can't always be one sided, you can't give up too much of yourself. I think if you love someone you want them to feel complete, always. Have that balance in life but more important within themselves. Just some thoughts I had after reading. The only way through that is open communication but in order to have a successful one at that both has to know what they truly want, but still take consideration and show an interest in what the other person wants. It can't be you want what I want or you're wrong about it, there are different perspectives, many ways you can look at something.

To Balance :) Thank you so for getting back to me, I understand you are busy (and have a life) and I do appreciate it very much. I was frozen in a way in my thoughts and actions the days after. I was too very busy which I think helped me in one way to get distance. My old fear came back. It is contagious this thing. My husband gets jealous (scared) and in return as a response to it I get scared. I was even scared writing back here on the forum because if he was not feeling well (and if I had made the decision to not tell him about what goes on at work) and he read my words that I would have a bigger problem on my hands, if he had a bad reaction to it. From what I've been told he had OCD jealousy (or something of the sort) caused by anxiety and other difficulties in life prior, causing it. I was advised to leave him straight away and treated as if I was a weak woman for staying (only a professional knew differently and told me so). I had gone through everything there was, red flags, I could tell he held his jealousy, OCD, from threatening me, beating me. There was a lot of things he did not do to fit the profile. I know our issue in the past. We did not have the communication skills we needed when discussing or fighting in the past. Once we got the keys, once there was a breakthrough in reacting differently we could move forward and connect. He would tell me he had always had periods when he would be effected by his jealjousy. He did not want to confess to me he was jealous of me so he would find ways to still feel safe, in control by sort of being jealous of me behind my back. There were times when I could tell by the look in his eyes that something was up but I did not know what. Much later I was told he had spied on me when I had gone out. I could tell when he felt threaten by something (as in me reading about celebrity couple breakting up) that he would get instantly so irritated, not him wanting to discuss it, but saying only a few words followed by him leaving the room. Once his irritation wore off there was then sadness and insecurity. His OCD jealousy has always been a difficult subject as he would say or do these things when being effected by it (anxiety), then walk away, and then not wanting to talk about it. His dad had/has need for control as well, anxiety as well. I could tell my husband's ways was something he had learned from his parent's interaction, but in a lots of other ways he was/is not like his dad. IN a way it felt as if my husband would tell me these things (give orders) when he could not handle it no more, he could not handle himself any more, but to me it always came as a shock, I was stunned, scared by it. He would say to me that he knew and had no doubt that I would not flirt or flirt back if some guy did. His fear was more if I had thoughts of leaving him that some other guy, flirting with me, would win my heart, would be that last push I needed to get up and leave. He would tell me that he knew I was a nice person and how I would conduct myself was that of me just being nice. But he had this idea that I was most likely too nice for a woman, surroundings, and that some guys would use the opportunity to their advantage, take a chance. There was never no trespassing in them touching me in any way, but what they said and how they conducted themselves was without a doubt them flirting. I honestly think one of the reasons why my husband was serious about us getting married was the rings, he said he wanted rings on my fingers, he would chose rings you can't miss. There was a time in my life I could not wear the rings, but he would not stand for it and have them fixed. If I would forget to put the rings back on after lets say I had prepared a meal, using my hands (taking them off) he would be there right away, asking why I took them off, where were they. I always thought that was cute, but I did not know he had the OCD jealousy. He says he believes he will feel more secured in the relationship the more time that passes after our reconsiliation. If I feel low he thinks straight away it has to do with me wanting to leave him again. Me then telling him no, this happened, or I don't know, it's been a long day, but it's not you, I love you, then makes him feel more safe. He has told me he feels bad about a lot of things where he knows he did me wrong, what caused me to leave, and before why I was as unhappy as I was. He says he feels more bad about it now when he gets it, when there was a breakthrough. He had defense mechanism before. It was very difficult to break through. It was as if he had to crash and burn before he would realize. Before when I did leave him he did not think we had it that bad. I was honest with him why I left, the issues. To me it was still a "nice divorce" as in us still being kind to one another. I think that was the part of us that had never stop to love each other. He said he was deeply unhappy to realize that I was way ahead of him, this time, in wanting to close our chapter. Ready to move on. I did not think I could get over everything that had happened, as that too had a way of returning to me. Today I feel as if it is another life because we have changed so much and for the better. I am not afraid that I will return to the old me and say I'm done with this. I feel it is sad that his grief came at a time like this but on the other hand that's life, as ugly as it is sometimes, and at least now I stand on steady ground and want to function as a support. I've thought about the strange situation with the male co-worker, what to do. I watched his conduct days after. He has changed. He does not flirt at all. He kept away, at a distance, he's not done before, after what happened. Lately when he has looked me up and we're alone he does not flirt, he keeps himself short and professional but kind and quickly take off. Ive thought of his wife too. I know when he's on a roll that she's been embarrassed by him, but it has not been a question then of him flirting with anyone. I'm thinking someone must have told him or he realized it himself he went too far (I still don't know what he wsa thinking but I konw when he's on a roll he's on it, I think with all his jokes, all his emotions, increasing, he's impulsive. He don't get it til it's too late). I have thought about how strange it was for him to act that way surrounded by other colleagues. Not as if he was like that with me alone. Anyway things are back to normal, the way they should be. I have not discussed this with anyone as I don't want to make a big deal out of it, everyone's concern. Who knows in that moment that he was in for a split second he might have forgotten himself him thinking I was his wife. I'm gonna continue to pretend it did not happen. If something like this do happen again in the future then I have to do something about it, but as for now I let it slip, I think he got the message he went too far, and this was all too strange, by how I did react. I have not yet decided if I should say something about it to my husband or not. I don't want to make the OCD jealousy return big time. Now as it is fading away I hope it continues that way. There's been no gossping about it around me, not that I am aware off. I hope not. I hope all of this goes away. I have thought about that if the male co-worker or who ever in what ever moment decides to be flirtatous to me when my husband is around or hears of it that it should not matter, because what matters is how I conduct myself, how I respond to it. If that is not good enough, then nothing is.

Hey Gee/Balance, I haven't read everything as yet but - to help you clarify/recall for us all: ((My double bracketed comments. And fyi, this is an AI-generated response... in which case, 'Rah-rah' AI for its accuracy and comprehensiveness there! HOWEVER, it's used bad grammar, look (*)... 'Tut-tut-tut'...)) _______________________________________________________________ AI Overview Learn more Clinically ((if it's having that much effect - even spying on you(!) - then it's definitely a clinical matter) (and must drive you up the wall, I imagine!)) , jealousy manifests in two primary forms: obsessive jealousy (often associated with obsessive-compulsive disorder) and delusional jealousy (a subtype of delusional disorder, sometimes called Othello syndrome), both characterized by irrational and persistent suspicions of infidelity. Here's a more detailed breakdown: - Obsessive Jealousy: Characterized by recurrent, intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors related to *concerns about a partner's infidelity*. Shares similarities with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Individuals with obsessive jealousy may feel a need to constantly monitor their partner's activities and seek reassurance about their loyalty. - Delusional Jealousy (Othello Syndrome): Involves fixed, false beliefs *concerning a partner's infidelity* that are resistant to reason or contrary evidence. A subtype of delusional disorder. Individuals with delusional jealousy may experience intense paranoia and may act on their delusions, potentially leading to dangerous situations. Other Considerations: While both obsessive and delusional jealousy are forms of pathological jealousy, they differ in their underlying psychopathology and treatment approaches. Delusional jealousy is a psychotic disorder and should be treated mainly with antipsychotics, while obsessive jealousy resembles OCD and should be treated with SSRIs and cognitive-behavioral therapy. It's important to note that jealousy, in general, is a complex emotion with various expressions, and not all forms of jealousy are pathological. _______________________________________________________________ So which is it, would you say - or roughly, what mix of both (either as a percentage or on a scale each of 1-10)?

Re the bad grammar - did you see it? It's not 'concerns about their partner's infidelity'. That suggests they're concerned about the act of infidelity the partner's already committed. It should be, concerns about their partner's fidelity (i.e. whether they ARE being faithful). ..."Sshhhtyooo-pid robots!", LOL.

I would say you're right, and at the end of the day the only person you have control over is yourself. You can't be held responsible for others' actions. It's a good sign, too, that the coworker has backed off and changed lately. There could still be some attraction there, who knows for sure, but at any rate he has apparently realized that he crossed some boundaries and is re-establishing them. All is good in the neighborhood, at least for now! I think jealousy and relationships, and all of that sort of thing can get very confusing and complicated. With another individual, suddenly it's not only your view of how the relationship should be, but you and your partner's.

Yeah-but-no-but... Your views of how the relationsip should be, have to match.

Hey Soulmate and Balance, thank you, once again, I would go with obsessive jealousy then, but I can't really say on what scale it was or is at. What I could compare it to were list of things I knew he had not said or done to me that are red flags (ways to control someone, physical violence, threats). The background story of the OCD is that I discovered when we started living together that he wanted the home to be cared, runned for, looking a certain way. His parents home was just like that. There were also high demands on how he took care of himself, what he ate and did not, drank and did not, and he was quick to comment, if fo example my weight went down or up. It was as if nothing small or big went unnoticed. I came to realize much later that one of the reasons why he picked me was because I was adaptive and honestly did not care about the things he did so it was fine by me to have it run his way. Over time I began to have this feeling as if he and I were in a race and no matter how much effort I put in, how fast I tried to run to be beside him, I couldn't. I suppose I wanted to be his equal as in me being him, if he was a female, lol, which to me then meant that I would be good enough. What were his reasons to be this way were fear, anxiety. One other thing I could look back on was when I got hospitalized for a pretty long period of time that it triggered his need for control. He would somehow make it work so he was by my side day and night. There were times when I knew visitor hours was over when I thought I still saw him in a corner, but then I thought I must be hallucinating or dreaming (I had after all been given heavy medication that could cause that). It was only one particular morning I remember that I woke up with him saying goodmorning, his face close to my face, when I felt a drop of water coming off his face, that I realized he must have washed his face just before, and he could not have done that back home. Truth was he would stay over at the hospital where ever he could, sitting up or be on the floor, he did not care for no bed. I would tell him before my condition got as bad as it did that he had to continue living as usual, as much as he could, because I knew this could take forever and it was good if he got positive energy from example doing things he loved instead of being with me in the hospital. I was physically weak so my exhaustion from that would not make me a good companion. Because of the state and medications I would go in and out of a state where I couldn't keep track on how he was doing. I would say that he did show signs of a guy who needed to be on top of things. He was as deeply involved as one can get in my medical treatments and ideas of treatment. He knew everything. He would tell me to say no or yes to this or that. He was of a suspiscious nature. I understand it is difficult for others to define in such circumstances what is normal and what is not, but I would say that I was aiming to please him felt I owned him that, my selfesteem had gotten a serious blow, and so I would say yes or I would say no to things that I would if it was just me and me making the decision say yes to. There was definitely one thing I knew I needed to say yes to, but I said no to, just to look good in his eyes. Someone, I think that was a counceler, missed signs of him being a controlling partner and would tell us that we seemed close. Lookinng back I can't believe the counceler did not request to have some time with me alone, but then again, as he was always there would be asked to leave. But then again by that time he had already told me he did not trust that particular person, profession, so I could have been already so influenced by his strong will that it wouldn't work. At the time because of the physical pain and the fog I was in because of the medications my reaction to what had happened to me that landed me in the hospital in the first place came later. Then it was surpressed as his strong will was then to have me up and running thinking that was the only way forward. Because of what had happened, which I blamed somehow myself for,or my body, rather, and how good everyone told me he had been to me during this period, I felt as if I owned him. As he was a better person than I was. I would say my self esteem was bruised, making me weaker than before, and that made me more easy to control. One day I told him that I would no longer have him as my person that the hospital could call to and his reaction to that was just...wow. I would make other decisions as well all in my aim to improve my self esteem because honestly our relationship had begun to look more like a big brother-little sister type of relationship and I needed to get myself back in one piece, the way I had been before. Anyway, it was during that period of time when I realized stuff about anxiety and need for control, the OCD, how his ways of handeling these things were ways he thought were good ways to handle the anxiety he was feeling, but it wasn't. It wasn't the cure. gotta go now but will write more in future ahead.

When you lay things out in this way, it does seem a bit more concerning. I am almost picturing your partner being the sort of guy who makes decisions for the both of you. But anyway, that's just the image I'm conjuring up in my head while imagining your dynamics. I could be far off from the reality of things where he's just someone who needs well-established boundaries and needs to hold a strong sense of masculinity in your relationship. It does sound obnoxious when there's a guy who has to have everything just as it was when he lived with his parents, but some people are like this. I guess when I think about it, to some extent I am too. Like, I guess I like a certain level of order and cleanliness that some women don't have. My mom was a clean-freak. But I've also never been THAT obsessed with germs. Of course, it's possible growing up with that level of cleanliness shaped me. I'm sure to some extent it did? Again, we decide what we are willing to put up with from another person in a relationship. Everyone has baggage, and every relationship has its points of give and take. For you, maybe you have accepted these terms for this relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean you always will accept these things. People can change, feelings can change, and what you want or need from a partner can, too. But at the same time, you do also have to be reasonable and realize that nobody is perfect, and there are reasons why you chose this person to begin with. It might be bonkers to just throw everything away.

Hey Balance, I do love him very much and have no thought of throwing him away. Yes I do think it is just how you put it, that you are used to things being the way they are from your family home and runned that way. That's then your normal. You don't question it. Then there is the confusing match of what is creating us as if it is genetic or our surroundings or both. Because you grow up with your family it gets all tangled up and you can't say which is what. All you know is it is. when he was the way he was when I was hospitalized I thought he was pushing himself too hard. I could tell he wanted to take control of a situation that was out of his control. I felt sorry for him. I felt too very loved by him. I was weak for the first time during our relationship and leaned on him. A lot of things began to effect my self esteem. I finally realized I had to do something about it, for my own sake, to get therpay. One of the issues was then that he did not want me talking to nobody but him about how I felt because he had this secret abondenment issue. He was afraid as we did have problems that I would be adviced to leave him. I hardly ever mentioned him during my lessons, but it was during that time that I began to for real see a pattern of what anxiety can do to you. He came from a home without the boundaries I had grown up with. For instance, opening up any letter that were mine, if I was on the phone with a friend, had closed the bedroom door were I was at (to me that was a signal I wanted to have a private conversation with my friend) he would open up that door, and throw himself on the bed, lay beside me, going through his phone. There were things happening when I felt that I could not tell him. When I thought maybe he did not see these signs. Did not know what they meant. But looking back on some things he told me he did know. If I was to spend time with a friend he would ask me all kinds of questions what we talked about. He was afraid I would be influenced to leave. I would most time never talk about him and if I did talk about him I did not talk about him that way, to make him or us look bad. It was as if he was way ahead of me thinking I would leave when I didn't. He had family and friends etc and I was not like that, in return. When I would tell him I thought we needed help, talking to someone to help couple's out, therapy, he refused. For a long time, way too long, I did things his way, not seeking help, hoping it would go away. What did happen instead is that I was fighting this mental battle where it was always returning to me, making me weaker than the time before. I couldn't beat it. He could tell how I got because I would distance myself and need more time alone. I would sleep. A lot. I did have anxiety but it was not a big deal and at first the depression came along it came alone. I only later found out that it was a normal reaction to everything that had happened, starting out with the periods at the hospital, that my mental state would be effected by it. As I was physically weakened and because of the medications my reactions were not seen as alarming back then. I didn't feel it like that back then. It is only later I've learned that it is only after you've been through everything, let say you survived a heart attack or you beat cancer, that you are then hit with depression. To others this make no sense as the danger has passed. You are suppose to celebrate. Be happy. The hospital knew this. This was why they offered me help. It was not in his nature to ask for help or receive help. Only to give you help. Do things for you. He had taken on so much responsibility (mine too) that I wondered how much longer he could carry this on. He would never complain. That made me feel bad too. His only comment back then was that he couldn't believe it, his only thought was that I was too young to die, young people like this don't die, we had just gotten started. We were suppose to be happy. Safe. I had a period at the hospital when I told him he should end things with me and go out there and have a life, find a new love. I was pushing him away. I would tell him I would have no kids in the future, he could forget about that, and for him to pick a woman to have a family with. What ever I said to him, he said he didn't care. He said he was staying. He said this isn't you talking. He said he didn't care about the kids. If that wasn't meant to be it wasn't. I have later felt bad for saying those things to him. The ugly pattern that I had was to push away and to run and hide. Me thinking I did not deserve him. Or I couldn't deal with the situation. I knew I loved him so very much when I was saying these thigns to him. I think I was out to punish myself. I needed as a way to improve my self esteem and confidence to take my responsibilities back. I needed to grow up. I felt more like a child than ever before, and I was suppose to be more of an adult than ever before. It wasn't fair. Not fair on him. That was when I got the picture he was not letting any of it go. He would tell me he did not want me physically or mentally worn out, and besides he felt fine, he thought he could do everything, always. He was using my vulnerabilities against me. I would tell him he had to distinquish between what my body and mind was going through back then to how it was now, and let me do my part, I could do it. But it wasn't only that he was protective. It was that he wanted things done his way. There were times when he did agree to let go of something but always throughout he would still not let it go, trust me. Things had to be done according to his plan. I would tell him all roads leads to Rome, let me do it my way, look the other way til I'm done, then you can look, it's the same result. I felt very much supervised. I never cared how he did things as long as it was the result we were looking for. I have been told that a perfectionist never choses a partner that is way off on the other end of things. When he would describe me it was obvious he did not think I was way off, or else he would not have been attracted to me. But I was no perfectionist. I knew when to stop. He did not stop when I did. I remember I could not tell anyone about our issues because to everyone who "knew" us he was Mr Perfect, he was dreamy, he was the kind of husband you would want. I was the one who was lucky, ungrateful. The bad woman. Looking back I still don't know how I got him, how he got hooked. It was as if I was in this competition but did not know I was, in the beginning, or when we got to the middle part. I still did not know. I realized it was part of his own protection that people could not get too close to him, including women. In one way we were close. In another we weren't because he was regulating that on how he communicated and how he got during arguments and fights between us. He said he knew he was doing it, causing this distance between us, but it terrified him that I would get even closer to him, in another he knew that was in my nature to be close to the people I loved and cared for. I didn't have an issue with that. He had. He said he wanted to but he couldn't and then that frighten him into thinking I would have enough of it and leave. I remember seeing other women fall for him not being attainable. This when we weren't a couple. They would bend themselves backwards. For the first time I realized him being "mysterious", being strict but still being kind was working it's magic, all on it's own. I can still see that happening, perhaps were you least expect it. But when I was around those days before when we weren't a couple as of yet, he was changing, he was tender, humble, he was making jokes, friendly, he was doing what ever he could to make me feel comfortable. He was different with me than he was with others. He wasn't playing a game with me. There were games going on. I know one time we were to meet up a whole gang and I remember us spotting each other. We were like two children, embracing. It was like There you are my best friend! I could tell us getting serious caused reactions. I was not paying attention the way I guess I should have. It was not so much part of my personality to be ahead of things, to plan things, I would take things as I got along. I was always busy. I didn't think too much. I had this philosophy that most things work out on their own. That getting to know someone takes time. I thought when he would ask me, take the next step into our relationship that it was only natural, that that was what a guy was suppose to do. The way we had both been taught. This is how you are going to act. We would take the next step when he decided we would. He said had he followed his own thoughts on it he would do things sooner but he was afraid that would be him moving too fast. But he said he knew. He knew it soon afer we first met. I knew women who were frustraded with their partners as they weren't getting what they wanted from them when they needed it, taking that step or steps forward. I was always comfortable somehow knowing what we were were enough, no matter. He would say those days he felt comfortable too but he knew or felt we had to proceed. He said there were times he forgot as he saw me as his best friend and partner all in one, that he forgot the romantic side of things. It was only much later when we were in so much deep water that the other him, the guy I could tell he became, around these other women, was a guy who by his own words wasn't the type to want to have a woman so close to him, to be commited like that. I only knew he was so serious when he was talking to me about us getting married. Him saying he would only marry once. That this was a huge deal to him. When we were divorcing he would say he would never remarry, he would say, he would go back to how he was before me. I could tell by his surrouding before we got serious and well, after too, that he was moving in an environment where it was much flirting and infidelity going on with the people around him. He says he thinks that has been an impact as well as him knowing how easy, frequent it is. I could tell when my own self esteem was not doing too great that it had an effect on me to be around that, as it was my nightmare all over again. I think no matter what, no matter how I dressed the part, I was still always this nerd (and I love being a nerd) and other people's opinion of us were their own prejudices. What kind of gal the dreamy guy should be with. What kind of guy this nerdish woman should be with. Us interacting differently I suppose then what other's expected us to. What had connected us from the get go were our conversations, the subjects, our sense of humor. Sure, it was physical attraction as well, I can't deny that, but to me, even if nobody would believe this, did not play such a major part. It had been the same with the other guy I was seeing before. We didn't connect that way that others expected to happen. They both are humans and have different parts of them, the inside and outside that make them them. The thing is when you feel good, you have this shield against all that, others prejudice and ideas, and all the superficialility in the world. It's when you're weakened you're letting that stuff in wher it don't belong. I remember there were few events we had go to but we did not communicate before, my husband and I, and when we got there, separately, we realized we were different looking from other couples. I had my own style in fashion and so did he. Other couples would dress pretty much the same, you could tell they were the same. They belonged. Times when people had no idea we were a couple or they couldn't make us out. He did not like those things, events, anyways, and I realized we were as off as we were because of that too and I did not get what was going on with him. He didn't tell me. We did not connect the way we always did. That use to frighten me because it was then as if he set off this air to him that he was available. It was only in different sets that he would point out, very much so, that we were a couple by him physically touching me, being close to me, talking to me, but on these others events he was off on his own, socializing with everyone but me (or so it felt like). I was getting all sorts of inputs that he and I were different types. That we didn't belong. When I wasn't feeling well mentally this was being blown out of proportion on my part. One time I know he would say after an event that I would kill in another guests dress. He would tell me that he just once wished that I too would realize my value. I said I did, but I did not want to wear maybe that type of dress because I did not feel comfortable in it. It wasn't me. He was saying he just thought I was way better, and way more beautiful than I realized. I would take that as "So you are ashamed of me, that's it? There's nothing wrong with how I dress. I like to dress this way. If you want a woman dressed that way - go to her, then. Chose her.". He would say I was missing the point. He would tell me Look, this issue we're having is because we have different backgrounds. It was getting to me that his family and other people knowing the family they were dressing the same ways when there were no dress code, really. I felt as if I had stepped into this world were I didn't belong. There was always, always this hunt for perfection and I could tell how it effected him, and in return how it effected me. He wanted to decide, to monitor my looks, my clothes, my weight. He could tell more about my weight than I could. If I slipped and lost weight or the other way around he was the first to know before I did. I felt him watching me as I ate, what I ate, how much I ate. I could not relax and eat dinner with him. If we were to work out I felt just as monitored. I became aware in a total different way than ever before of my body and it wasn't good for me. It wasn't good for us. Physically no matter what, critique or praise coming from him, I was moving away from him. I know I did not even want him to hug me because in my head he would then maybe feel what ever was wrong then with my body. What ever project we were suppose to do together, as a team, did not work out because he wasn't a team player, in that sense, he would take charge and monitor. He would go through what ever he could, my bag, to look for evidence that he did not think I was eating right. I don't know what he thought I was on, diet pills, but I wasn't. Him going through my stuff like that was invasive act on his part. One time he did find something to keep my blood sugar up, something I've always had just in case, and he wouldn't believe me when I said what it was for. No, you take this instead of eating something, don't you? Me telling him, no I take it just in case, I have to. It wasn't enough. He was always suspiscious. He said he would trust me but truth was he only trusted me to some point but not the rest and he was like that with everyone. I think there are two ways when you start to feel unsafe, insecure in your relationship, to react. My reactions would be to "run", to distance myself. His reaction would be the opposite, to come in closer. To monitor me in any ways he could in ways to find himself closer to me or to get that reassurement. His ways was through digital devices. This was why too it was difficult for me to spot that he was suffering from jealousy because he was not acting the way you would think. Anyways that is in the past and we've done so much work on the relationship and our selves. We got through it. I am only hoping I am continuing on the right track so I don't mess it up. I am happy the male co worker got what ever he was suppose to get.

Hey, Geelives! I think Balance is busy collecting his thoughts at the mo - or was, last time I looked. As for myself: please see my explanation for my own longer-than-anticipated absence on CreativeNick's thread (click this link): https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13848/am-i-wrong-what-should-i-do#jumptobottom So if you're okay waiting a bit until either of us log back in, that'd be 'muchly' appreciated. :)

Hey Geelives! Thank-you so much for your patience (that, clearly, you've had stretched over the years). Reading all of that... It's not good news, I'm afraid.... Because it's NOT just Obsessive Jealousy, is it. The guy also CONTROLS you... uses your dread/fear of his having a bad reaction (having CREATED that "Walking on Egghshells" scenario) in order to deter you from displeasing him again and having to suffer his tantrums again. Meanwhile, he's the one oppressing and constraining you from normal rights and activities. Maybe the reason he's "obsessively" jealous is because he's doing the usual from the Narc Playbook: he's the one constantly cheating and getting away with it, therefore, as it's so easy for HIM to get away with it, the same applies to you, so why would YOU cheat too? (They're allowed to cheat, you're not. The plethora of rules both spoken and unspoken in your little society of two, apply only to YOU...whilst he can do as he pleases, thanks to said Negative Reinforcement, whether spoken or unspoken (acted-out). Sorry. That's not a marriage. That's, being someone's captive (and slave). He has all the rights (including ones he shouldn't) - you have none (including ones you absolutely should). I mean - MONITORING YOUR PRIVATE COMPUTER ACTIVITY??? Telling you what to say/not say to the hospital staff?! Constantly commenting on your weight??? Opening your mail!!! And so much more that you'll find listed in the DSMV and all over the web these days?! And oh, yes, he HAS been threatening you! COVERTLY. It's implicit in setting up a situation where if you dare assert yourself and your rights, you get his 'bad reaction'. So, oh, yes, you ARE being hit! Geelives, there is more than one way to beat your wife. And there's so many signs, I can't even reveal or dissect them all for you. ...All of this despotism, under the guise of bringing (and enforcing) habits from his family home? What - the guy grew up without a telly, radio, books, other people and their situations/wisdoms regardin relationships and what works/doesn't work in a marriage? Come off it. Who diagnosed him? Methinks they weren't quite sure enough so kept it safe and used a euphemism for the one sign (of many). WHO told you that was the diagnosis, anyway? The hospital consultant? Or your husband? I'm not judging...I get it.... It's far too early for you to be considering leaving him or even tackling it. You're going to have to get your head around it, and then read online all the articles that tell you how to manage a Narcissist, basically. It won't be the man-woman marriage you hoped for, however. More like you've got an extra (spoilt, bossy) kid in a man's suit. He's a Dominator. He dominates you all over the shop. Sounds more like a high-security prison with a dedicated Prison Warden than a marriage. (What's next? Body Searches?) I'm sorry to go from 0-60 like this, but, reading through your posts since my 'stupid robots' post, especially, all my brain kept doing in rapid succession as I read, was this: (Narc-)TICK!....TICK!...TICK-TICK-TICK....TICK..... ALL the way through- AAAAAAAALLL the way! His only 'fear' is loss of total control. Over you, over situations and other people (highly skilled professionals ffs!). Furthermore: "more like a big brother-little sister type of relationship": Close... More like a constantly-controlling, constantly monitoring, repressing, oppressing, guarding FATHER of a young child. He's a Dominator. I don't care if he has good days or moments. They all do. Have to. If they were non-stop horrid, leaving them would be too easy. Literally EVERY PHRASE you wrote merits a 'Tick!'. He's severe. I am sorry but, I'm not going to lie to you (and thousands of others). Sorry. :(

PS: He's kept you using "The Pity Ploy" as his main method. To make you feel sorry for him (to disarm you) and swallow his loftier-sounding excuses. _____________________________________________ https://www.stevensurman.com/narcissists-sociopaths-and-the-pity-play-dr-martha-stout-explains/ "Narcissists, Sociopaths, And The ‘Pity Play’ | Dr. Martha Stout Explains 0 By Steven Surman on September 22, 2023 Sociopathy Despite all of his conniving, manipulative, and controlling behaviors, the Gay Narcissist sure came off as pathetic a lot of the time. How so? Whenever the Gay Narcissist wanted something and I would not give in to his whims immediately, he’d try whatever tactic he could muster up. He’d make demands, toss around accusations, and slyly twist my words and manipulate my perception. These tactics usually worked, but not always. The obnoxious behavior sometimes triggered my own aggression and we’d have heated fights. But you know what was a sure bet? Pity. No matter what, whenever the Gay Narcissist put on his “oh, poor me” act, it worked. Always. Every. Single. Time. What’s The ‘Pity Play’ All About? Dr. Martha Stout describes the “pity play” in her book, The Sociopath Next Door. Stout warns throughout her book that sociopaths are deceptive and highly manipulative individuals. It’s often difficult to pick up on his or her true character—a character that will absolutely ruin your life if one passes through your defenses. A sociopath’s true character is the absence of conscience. Martha Stout estimates that four percent of the total population is sociopathic, so you have a chance of running into one sociopath out of 25 people—yikes. (Worse, some of her colleagues suspect the estimate is too low.) Martha Stout warns, however, that one defining tactic employed by sociopaths to keep people under their control is the “pity play.” This is the closest you will come to finding a scarlet letter branding someone as a sociopath. What exactly should you be looking out for? If someone is shallow, manipulative, and they simply take and take from you with little regard for anything else (let alone your wellbeing), you better sit up and take notice. Most of us do, even if we are quick to explain it away with out own rationalizations. Eventually you might have enough and start pulling away. A sociopath won’t put up with this, so he or she will appeal to your sense of generosity, forgiveness, and understanding by pleading for pity. Get ready for a laundry list of all the woes, troubles, and hardships that have assailed the sociopath throughout an entire lifetime. In the words of Martha Stout from The Sociopath Next Door: “The best clue is, of all things, the pity play. The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness. It is, perversely, an appeal to out sympathy.” Martha Stout continues later on in The Sociopath Next Door: “When deciding whom to trust, bear in mind that all the combination of consistently bad or egregiously inadequate behavior with frequent plays for you pity is as close to a warning mark on a conscienceless person’s forehead as you will ever be given.” Never fall for it. It’s an act." (article continues...) ______________________________________________________ It's NOT "poor him", it's poor YOU. And he is NOT your superior. You are his. And he knows it. His ego's obsessive thirst for Power Over (which does not belong in a romantic partnership!) can't hack that so he's drip-drip-drip wearing you down to Underdog position.

Hey, first off I would like very much so to apologize on my previous post as I at the time had anxiety. When I have anxiety like that I am all over the place with my words, memories, but I don't summon things up, have a point to it. I feel ashamed about that. Right now as I am writing I don't suffer from anxiety, so I think or I hope, at least, I don't make a fool of myself, continuously. I suppose one of my points was that yes, he has from early on been the leader of the relationship, but I saw that as typical male and that he was interested in me and wanted order in our lives. I have felt remorse for being as passive as I was, not showing him too how much I was in love with him, loved him, at the time, and me having this way of mine which was not healthy were you bring someone in close one minute and the next you push them away. I was the way I was back then because of experiences in my past. I don't excuse my faults. There were reasons for it. He too had his reasons to be the way he was. I had (or still have) the kind of personality were I am OK with most stuff but when I am not, I fight for it. There has been times when he had to let me have things my way, but I had to be strong, as his will was as strong as it was. I changed a lot when I had my depression and anxiety. Me withdrawing the way I did gave him the signals that he was loosing me. Both our not so healthy ways triggered our separate bad experiences from our past. Because of that we had stuff that worked well between us and other things were problematic. I have learned that when you suffer from depression and anxiety your self esteem is so bruised that you do not have the power, the strength to fight back, to fight for yourself, to trust your own instinct. With my depression and anxiety issue I learned that no matter how hard I tried to beat this thing (without proper help from professionals nor medications) what happened was that I could only fight it so much, and each time it would return, and each get harder, so it was as if I was sinking in quick sand. There were those in my life that still kept on treating me like they always had, and they did not cross boundaries as in having this need or "rights" to control me through what-have.you device. I understand if he (or his family) were worried about me when I was sick that I would get lost (good then to have me tracked. I was tracked without knowing I was) or do something like suicide, if we should now take it to the extreme, worst thinkable scenario, but the thing is when I found out about it I had underwent treatment, was working, was well functioning. I have read on other sites, forums, people giving advice to those who believe that their partner could be cheating on them to collect proof and then how I was being tracked, all of it, was as if he followed that advice. I can't help but wonder if these people that give that kind of advice understand that you could very well be breaking the law, crossing boundaries big time, in the chase to "be right", to find proof of the partner cheating. If let's say the partner they suspect of cheating works from home, works from the computer from the office. They are not allowed to get in there, access. They do not work for the company. It is not their computer. You as the user are obliged to protect passwords. I sadly think that they are not in a stable mind themselves when they hunt for proof. I think they think if they are right, their partner is cheating, they found the proof for it, then there won't be any consequences for what they have done wrong, because the way they see it they have done nothing wrong at all. Now here was a situation were I had been under his loop without realizing I had been and never been cheating on him, never told him I was going to be somewhere but turned out I was somewhere else. I was always were I said I would be. He would tell me he thought I would figure it out, he would get caught, as for the time he followed me, he thought for a second there I saw him for sure, but then he realized I hadn't. He came clean, he said, because he knew he had done wrong and he said he felt bad about it, but that he couldn't stop himself sometimes from doing it. He needed that "I knew it!"-feeling or to reassure that OK she's telling the truth (this time too, he could relax). This sort of feeling ought to come alive if the object (me in this case) has cheated one time in the past. Only I hadn't. I had never cheated on him. I had never threaten to cheat on him. I thought we were very clear were we stood as a couple. We did not have an open marriage. That was out of the question for the both of us. True, I did not come from such a traditional family history as he did which made me think of courtship and wedding a bit different, but we still shared the same values. He thought I was nice to people but he did not think I intended to be flirtatious. He would feel that he was loosing me and I was periods at the time withdrawing within my shell and that was the trigger. There were times when I was not like that and me thinking we were fine (I was feeling fine), but when he, by himself, was going through something difficult, which then triggered his fear that things were too good to be true between us and so then he had to, again, find ways to get this under control. He had not treated it, it was below the surface. I understand if he comes off as a narc, and I appreciate the insight, help, but that has not been his diagnose, he has been exposed to what we think is narcissism in the past and his unhealthy ways has because of that developed into ways to deal with it, anxiety, perfectionism, OCD. I have been so occupied with myself not doing too well (understatement) and him not doing well that once we got help (therapy) it was so much, really, happening. I can't give you the full story as I don't want our identities and the other people connected to us revealed. I have been afraid that while I had my anxiety and what I wrote before could be a give away but I'm hoping not, for all sakes. I know today that I would not have to suffer the way I did, get as sick as I did had I accepted the help they offered at the hospital. It did not take the psychiatrist a long time before telling me I had had a functioning depression that had not been discovered before and treated when it should have been. I had been playing a part, and me acting to be someone else (who did not have depression) was me too faking it. I remember one time it was so difficult for me to even get out of the home to have dinner with him at a restaurant. Me being this fake of a person was me too sending him signals that something wasn't right. I have forgiven him and his family for their prejudice, if not true fear, of allowing me to get help. Knowing their history they were taught to think this should be dealt within the family, you should care and hide the mentally ill or disabled family member, take turns. Not taught to trust the system. Not taught to seek help. When you have grown up like that it is as foreign as it is for people who has grown up trusting the system. At the end of the day I had to be responsible for me, and not blame anyone else for it, not needing my husband's or anyone else's approval, it was when I knew it was a matter of life or death for me, that I could no longer do this by myself (even if I had family, friends I was alone because you feel alone when you got this). He did not try to pursue me not to get help then. I am surprised being the way I was that he himself did not think of leaving me, but he said that he loved me and could not or did not wish to face his life without me. I wasn't aggressive, he did not find me so difficult to deal with, I guess. He would say I wasn't the same but he was hoping I one day would be. He did not understand that a part from my illness we did have actual problems, that you could not blame on it. He has done a great deal of inner work and still is on his own. Had he not done that, the stuff he has changed or improved on, we would not be a couple as of today. What I need to do, and am doing, but I have my good moments and bad ones, is to not give in when I get scared or have anxiety about triggering his jealousy. He has always been generous with the share of his money, income, when it comes to me, but I've always wanted to do right by me. When he has told me I should quit or not need to work for some time I have not given in because I know that is not the solution. Part of the solution is that I do not isolate myself. Work. Interact with other people. I have honestly been so close to wanting to run off again, isolate myself, quitting that job because of the situation with what happened with the male colleague out of fear of my husband's response. I have to distinguish between my own anxiety, and the past, his past, and the only way forward is forward, the future. It was not mentioned during therapy that if such a situation would arise what would I do, tell him or not? I think one common thing when you are the object of jealousy, control, the boundaries out the window, is that you do tend to keep things to yourself because you never know. You feel the need to protect yourself, your space, in ways you can. It is not about you trying to hide something, but trying to set boundaries. But of course, by then, what ever you say or do or do not say or do is suspicious. I know jealousy and know how horrible it is, but I was so surprised that he was jealous and the ways his jealousy was showing off. I told him he scared me and I do not say that lightly to anyone. He may not have threaten to beat me or me suffering from any other consequence but never the less he scared me, being like that. He too had this fear of all sorts of illnesses of your weight, so he wanted me to weight just right ,me being underweight or overweight or about to in either directions was seen as wrong. He would get sympathy for being a man who did not want his wife to diet, to be too thin, or get yelled at for not wanting his wife overweight, but the point was that it was a proof of his anxiety. It was equally difficult for me to have him comment and trying to make me weight more as it was him trying to make me weight less, because it was invasive. It was him telling me I should look the way he thought I should look and that I could not handle my own body, my own weight, he knew better. Fear he would loose me. He said it was not about him not finding me attractive. I would never be able to tell any difference as he was always the same to me. I had to take time off and figuring out what I wanted to look like, about my weight, find my own individuality before I could return. He never comments these days other than him telling me every so often that he find me attractive. He does not go there, where he use to go. The male colleague has shown me now as the days has passed that he respects me and he's shown this when others are around, as if he's letting us all know, him wanting that, he won't go there, where he once did, it's good.

I'll try my best to respond, though I haven't been in the best mindset for the past day now. So my thing is, I think it can be unhealthy to spend too much time with a partner, and also to spend not enough time with them. I think in order to be in the right headspace, you need to find this, ahem, "Balance" in your life where you divide your time appropriately between the self, children, family, friends, partner(s), and work. For everyone the amount of time and energy needed for each category may be different. I think those times where your husband has told you that you "don't need to work", it's good that you didn't give in and stop working. You must realize the importance of maintaining this work life for yourself, and challenging yourself, and wanting more worlds outside of your relationship. There are a lot of women who give up working to let hubby be the breadwinner, and while that may work just fine for some women, for others it turns them into an absolute shell of a person. Their life revolves around their relationship, and their kids, and.... That's most of it. They don't really get to pursue any ambitions outside of that. And for some, being able to stay at home and not deal with the bullshit of other people at work is worth the lack of independence and control over their lives. Since things are going well for you at the moment at work, that's even better. Being able to maintain positive and healthy relationships at work and at home is truly a great thing. You may still have some concerns, or reservations about your current situation, but it's nothing that can't be figured out and improved upon over time. And as I mentioned before, people change - it's possible a time may come where you want more for yourself in your work life. Or, who knows, maybe you will even want to pursue starting your own business. I'm getting off-track here, but I think it's something all of us give some thought to at some point or another in our career. I'll share a bit with you here. So I think my girlfriend needs more time devoted to our relationship, while I find myself needing more time alone. Interestingly, when I was in my previous relationship one decade ago, I think it was kind of the opposite situation with me overwhelming my ex with affection, and her wanting more of her own space. I guess as I get older, the light kind of fades. You grow up with all of these hopes and dreams about your future, and about interactions with other people you may one day have in your life. But one by one, as just about every relationship in your life starts to plateau or lead to disappointment, and you start to see people for what they really are... And as the time drastically passes.... I think you just look forward to more time with the one person you know you can trust and agree with - number one.