Am I wrong? What should I do?

Me (31, female) and my friend (30, female) had a fight over text messages. Background: I am sine a year and a half and especially currently in bad health. I get my work done and some of my household tasks, but after that, I’m usually exhausted due to severe pain and other symptoms like dizziness, brain fog, and concentration problems, which can even lead to panic attacks. On weekends, I mostly prefer staying at home to recharge. During this time (oktober 24 to november 24), I had a lot of doctor's appointments, some even after work. Because of this, I didn’t actively reach out to her to make plans (basically to nobody). We hadn’t seen each other in person for about two months, but we regularly called and messaged to stay in touch, and sometimes we played online games together. We then arranged a meeting at Oktober 31st, but she canceled a day before because she was feeling too stressed. She had a valid reason, so I said, "Alright, let’s meet another time." On the day we were supposed to meet, I messaged her asking if she wanted to talk on the phone. She replied that she wasn’t home and had spontaneously decided to go to a Halloween party. I was a bit sad that she could go to a party spontaneously but couldn’t meet with me, but I didn’t say anything, it was not that big of a deal so I moved on. A few weeks later, she reached out to arrange another meeting. We messaged to find a date, she said she had plans for almost all the weekends in December, so she asked if we could meet after work. I explained that I’m usually in pain after work and that it would be easier for me if we could meet on a weekend. (I was really looking forward to seeing her in person after such a long time and didn’t want to meet her when i'm in pain or even have to cancel) She said she’d check one weekend to see if she was available. After a few days, she texted that she wasn’t free that weekend either. I then said i will check with my fiancé to see if he had plans for his birthday which was on Dec 22 because that weekend was the last time we were both available in December. At the time, my fiancé hadn’t planned anything for his birthday, and wasn't sure about having a party, so I waited for his decision. As already metioned we talked regularly on the phone. Most of the time about very personal stuff and the calls were also intense in time (1-3 hours) During a phone call, she even encouraged me to reach out to a therapist because my health issues were affecting my mental health too, so she knew I wasn’t doing well. The incident that led to the fight: Two days before it happened, my fiancé reminded me that we had booked a trip to a city for a concert months ago (this concert was my Christmas 2023 gift to him). I had completely forgotten about it, but I was happy to have something to look forward to, as I had been unable to do much on weekends for weeks due to my health. I felt a bit overwhelmed by the fact that we were going on this trip, as I had planned my week differently and now had to adjust everything, which caused me some stress. I wanted to talk to my friend after the trip to arrange a meeting and had already thought it would have to be after work no matter how my fiance decides about his birthday. The day came, and my fiancé and I traveled to the city by train (a 3.5-hour drive) on a Friday after work. I posted a picture of our journey on my social media story. The next day, while we were at breakfast, I got a message from my friend reacting to my post, saying something like, "But you can do this after work? 🤣". She deleted it immediately, but I had already seen it. I was surprised and offended by the comment. I couldn’t understand why she was upset and felt that the way she communicated was a bit rude. So, I replied, a little upset, saying, "Yes, this is possible because we planned a long time ago." I also explained that I never said I couldn’t meet after work; I only said it would be nice if we could meet on the weekend. And that I don't understand why she's so upset. Then she blocked me. (I couldn’t see her profile picture, but my fiancé checked, and he could still see it.) I sent another message trying to explain myself, saying it wasn’t meant to be mean, that I wanted to meet on a weekend because I didn’t want to cancel due to my pain. (At this point I was close to just call her, but didn't cause I was mad that she reaches out to me like that) After a few hours, I got a much longer text from her. She said she was sad that we hadn’t seen each other in so long and that she thought I wasn’t interested in meeting her because I hadn’t reached out to arrange anything. She mentioned that the planned meetings were canceled on both sides, but I wasn’t the one who initiated a new one. She also said she didn’t like playing the game we used to play together anymore and feels like i play it alone now more often. She expressed that she understood my health issues but felt fooled because I could go on this trip with my fiancé, where I could also be in pain, and yet our meeting was probably not going to happen until January next year, which made her sad. She was especially upset that she couldn’t tell me in person that she had gotten engaged, even though she had driven two hours to attend my engagement and even fought with another friend because of my engagement.(my fiance reached out to a few friends and asked for help with the plan he made to ask me) She wrote part of this very sarcastically and judgmentally. When I read her message, I was extremely hurt and confused. I didn’t understand why she was blaming me for everything, especially since she knew what I was going through health-wise. And regarding the engagement, I didn’t know she had said yes. How would I know? I would’ve made the effort, no matter how I was feeling, of i had known. Her message came while I was dealing with a panic attack I had in a shopping center (which was not caused by her, but by my health issues). I broke down in tears in the middle of the town, overwhelmed by the flood of emotions. I felt bad for a second, but I couldn’t understand why she didn’t share those things with me on the phone, especially the engagement news. That’s basically what I wrote to her in my response a few hours later (still was too mad to call her so i decided to write a polite message). I explained that I didn’t understand why she was blaming me for doing something with my fiancé on the weekend in weeks, apologized again for not reaching out more, and tried to explain that it wasn’t meant badly. I also mentioned that I had experienced a panic attack that day to show that I do things even when I’m in pain, and I explained that I hadn’t meant anything bad by wanting to meet on a weekend, and that I enjoyed the game, but it had nothing to do with her not liking it anymore. I said I wanted to contact her after the weekend to arrange a meeting after work, as there were no other options before the new year. Then I asked why she didn’t tell me on the phone that she was engaged. If she wanted to tell me in person, why didn’t she give me a hint that it was important so I could have been there, no matter what my health was like. I said I was so hurt by the fact that she was blaming me for everything and couldn’t communicate correctly (especially by being sarcastic, blocking me, and not calling to talk) that I didn’t want to talk about this right now and suggested we could talk in a few days when we were both more calm. I said that I wasn’t in the right mental state and that I was here for my fiancé’s gift, and I didn’t want to ruin the day. Then came her next response. She said that she didn’t want to be seen like that and accused me of gaslighting her, saying her feelings were not ridiculous. She added that she had nothing to do with my panic attack, and I shouldn’t blame her for it. She said the chat history would say otherwise, but she didn’t have the time or energy to prove it to me. She expressed that she was shocked and disappointed by my last message and wished me quick help for my health and mentioned that she needed space to think about her "perpetrator role." I just replied that I didn’t mean to imply she caused my panic attack, but I wanted to explain how I felt in my current situation, cause i think she doesnt understand me. I said that nothing she interprets in my actions was meant the way she felt and that I was also hurt by her texts. I mentioned I needed some time to process things, as I’m already on the edge due to my health and didn’t want to deal with any more stress right now. Then came her last Text which said:leave me alone now Since the fight at the end of November, we haven’t spoken, and I’m unsure what to do next. I’m deeply hurt that she doesn’t seem to understand my health struggles and has turned this situation into a bigger issue than it needed to be. I believe good friendships should be more forgiving, especially during tough times. Am I wrong? Should I reach out to her, or should I let things rest? Thanks for reading this ❤️

Step back a bit & see that yes you're correct; true friendships are more forgiving, but true friendships are about empathy & understanding in the first place. Your health issues demand that you basically have support from those close to you in your circle & if you don't have that support from them, then those people really aren't worth having around. You need people who you can trust to be there for you & people who give you confidence to deal with issues. Genuine people who don't confuse actual facts with bs & people who will respect you no matter what you're issue/s are. You'll go through life counting your TRUE friends on one hand but whether it's one or five, they'll have your back absolutely. Yep, you can sort this, but only if you guys talk face to face; but you need to take your thoughts a bit further & ask yourself if your friend has improved your quality of life since you've known her & has she contributed to your wellbeing just by having her in your circle? it's up to you whether you need someone in your life who will just judge you at the slightest hiccup, call you a gas lighter & then going by your post, discard you on the roadside.

Creative Nick, Again, as per your 'neighbouring' thread - I completely agree with Manalone. It's not you. Definitely her. She's acting like a typical, controlling/possessing/over-entitled Narc: *she* doesn't want you (apart from as her convenient Go-To, Backup girl), but she doesn't want anyone else to have you, either - in CASE she needs you. ALL on her terms. (Personal Butler-ing/Ladies' Maid-ing, anyone?) Can't get more gobsmackingly self-centred than that. (Present her with an invoice for services thus-far rendered. I would. ;p)

Check out WT's thread, "Jealous of best friend" (- not, actually...other way round). She's in your same boat: https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13611/jealous-of-best-friend

Thank you for your responses! Some time has passed now, and I've been thinking more about how I feel about this "friendship." I'm still very hurt and feel completely misunderstood. From time to time, I feel terribly lonely since she was the only close friend I had left and we were friends for like 10 years, so this hurts. (to most of my other close friends I lost touch with after finishing school, or we only see each other very, very rarely, like once a year or so) In the past, this kind of thing happened quite often, where she turned small issues into big ones. She also had disputes with other friends that ended in a similar way to ours now. I am a very peace-loving person and cannot stand it when others are feeling bad or when conflicts arise. So I always tried to make everything right for her, so that no arguments would arise over any nonsense or she wouldn’t get in a bad mood. If something didn’t go the way she would have liked, you could immediately tell that she was in a bad mood or that something was wrong, but you never found out by asking if everything was okay. She would always say that everything was fine. It was only weeks or months or even years later, in a long message full of pent-up anger and disappointment, that she would finally vent her frustration whenever something new came up that she didn’t like. For example, when I didn’t ask her a second time if she wanted to join a camping trip, after she had initially said that camping wasn’t her thing. Or even small decisions, like choosing a restaurant, became difficult when I suggested my own ideas or simply lead to be at the restaurant that she chose. Even the "conflict" about my engagement was a topic for a long time (apparently still for her), even though I assured her multiple times that I really appreciated her help and that she was there, and that we weren’t upset with her for not giving the other person a ride (because of the argument between the two of them). She thought we (my fiancé and I) were disappointed because, during a phone call, I mentioned that I found it a bit sad that the other person wasn’t there, but I didn’t mean it in the sense that my friend was to blame. I was just generally disappointed that the other person was arguing over something as simple as meeting halfway. I then explained this to her again, and I also told her that I didn’t want to focus on the fact that someone wasn’t there, because it was still a beautiful proposal and the people most important to me were present. After that, everything seemed fine until now, when her message, two years later, implied that I didn’t appreciate it and wouldn’t do the same for her (which I still can’t do if I don’t know that a proposal is happening or has happened...). I even made sure to watch what exactly I said to her in certain situations to avoid stepping on her toes. So that Narc thing could be true, but i don´t want accuse her to be one. But with having no contact at all right now, I found out that all of this really drained my energy. I have decided to just let it go for now. As I said, I’m still very hurt and I’m realizing more and more, also after reading the Thread which was mentoined, that we probably have different views on friendship. I don’t understand why, for example, she feels the need to weigh actions against each other. Of course, a friendship should be balanced, but you can’t constantly compare everything or expect the same actions from the other person all the time. Or even expect that everything always goes your way. I´m currently full focusing on my health and, as a result of hopefully improving health, on being able to participate more in life again. My fiancé is supporting me as hard as he can. Since I haven’t heard anything from her side either, I think she feels similarly in letting things go. I guess some more time will show how this ends.

As you call it, your so called friend is high maintenance & you're in no place to support her bs when your own health needs to come first. Going by your post, your fiancé is a solid, caring partner & he's the sort of support you need in your life. People like your 'friend' will always drift in & out of your life but with experience, you'll eventually learn to bypass those who will only drag you down with their dramas.

Yeah, he sounds like a diamond geezer to me. Your Nuh-nuh-nuh..-Fiend!... sounds Benign aka Classic. Creates consequences for herself - simply through you - which are of her own doing, not yours. You're then somehow in trouble with her, just from having reacted naturally in terms of your alternative, damage-limiting or forced choices. I could sum her up with this little pastiche: Her: Why didn't you ring me yesterday? You: What? Because it was your turn (or because you said you'd ring). Her: So why didn't you just ring when I didn't? (- thereby revealing it was a deliberate failure as a test, in aid of ego num-nums (re-inflation)) Er... because I concluded from that, that you must have got waylaid or something, were busy, so didn't think I should bother you? But if you were available, why did you not ring? Enter Gaslighting and Doubling-down on your being at-fault, even if her 'evidence' makes zero logical sense ("Narcissist - Word Salad"). All amounting basically to a ("Narcissist -) D.A.R.V.O": Deny/Defend, Attack (to) Reverse (roles of) Victim (and) Offender. Aka that meme that goes: Narcissists would have you believe that your reaction to their abuse is the problem, rather than their abuse itself. You're supposed to just go with it - put-up and shut-up. You don't (round of applause), you argue. AND make sense. You're good at thinking and keeping your head under-fire. I would bet serious money on your health improving, the longer you stay "Zero Contact". You've got one bestie already - your fiance. Now find more like him. Tip for making new friends: routinely go to your favourite-favourite kinds of places (e.g. mine are beaches and beachside venues, woodland walks with country pubs, pavement cafes for people watching). You're at your best and most attractive as a human-being when you're in the present moment and loving it...that Mona Lisa Smile. PS: Not honouring her promise to give your other guest-friend a lift to your engagement party, based on nothing but Her-Her-Her feelings and refusal to put them aside for yours and your fiance's sake, was atrocious! An actual Dealbreaker. You cannot GET more selfish and self-centred AND over-entitled than that (like SHE gets to decide!). You call her what you want but I know what she is - and so do you, albeit that, you haven't had the freedom until lately to face it and realise. Understandable. There's the Bond (glue) as well as Cognitive Dissonance to undo ("she's decent-reasonable-normal...she's foul-unreasonable/irrational-abnormal...normal...nutjob...normal...nutjob / loves me, loves me not, aaargh!"). Google "Narcissist - Jekyll & Hyde". She giant-ticks every box and isn't even subtle about it (or not with you any,way) (treats everyone else better, does she?...unless she's trying to compete and win by taking the unilateral, executive decision to exclude a friend of yours that in whatever ways threatens her ego and games). Me, as you can't get more over-entitled and self-important, ("Narc-) self-aggrandising" than that - I'd have told her she either got straight back in her car to go collect this other friend - OR pay for her taxi - or to forget the whole idea of attending herself. PPS: Don't go anywhere because: "Since I haven’t heard anything from her side either, I think she feels similarly in letting things go. I guess some more time will show how this ends." Nuh-nuh-nuh-NAH. She's doing The Silent Treatment. You're supposed to crack first and contact. If- sorry - WHEN you fail to, that's when she'll find whatever way of trying to ("Narc -) Hoover" you. The only thing SHE wants you to let go of is your (healthy, self-caring and -advocating) attitude. Your strength of mind. You have NO IDEA of the incredible extent to which these people make you ill or iller (not until your neurology, chemistry and immune system finally get the time and space to un-mangle themselves - google Rhonda Freeman (neurobiologist) to read up on what they do to your mind then body - or the bestseller "The Body Keeps The Score"). You soon will, though... by how rapidly you start- sorry, CONTINUE to improve. You'll also, with this space and safety to think (now't to lose now), start remembering more and more crimes and misdeameanours. Feel free to record/report them here. :) (You can just call her Tricksie if you like?)

how dare she rip your heart out like that! i get it, actually. she got jealous and acted out irrationally. thanks for painting such a clear picture. i wouldn't blame you to attempt reestablishing contact because those whom we mesh well are hard to find. companionship for those with health concerns... but i wouldn't. i feel her to be controlling and the way she blackmailed you with rude comments could only have worsened your conditions. in truth even the most well adjusted would have lost their composure.

Any update, CreativeNick? How's your health since you last posted?

Thanks for asking, it's OK. I'm sometimes better, sometimes worse. I have untreated scoliosis that has been causing me ll that symptoms. Since I was 13 I've had chronic pain due to my scoliosis that gets now worse depending on how I'm feeling that day. I've been on a sports program in a medical fitness studio for almost a month now and I'm also getting physical therapy. I've also applied for rehab. And I'm trying to incorporate exercises at home and at work to alleviate my pain and symptoms a little. Unfortunately, I've already been through a few doctors who have sometimes misdiagnosed me, so now that I've finally found a doctor who takes me seriously, I still have to have a few MRIs done so that I know exactly what's wrong with me. So I'm trying a lot to improve my condition :) About Tricksie (:D) she contacted me again about a concert we wanted to go to together in like a month, about the tickets. After I hadn't replied for two days because I wanted to check with my fiancé whether he wanted to give my ticket to a friend and then go to the concert, she sent me a message saying that it was ridiculous that I was accusing her of blocking me and not replying now (I thought that was funny because she indirectly admitted that she had really blocked me). Then she wrote that she is the kind of person who likes to settle unpleasant things quickly and that I still owe her a lot of money for another concert. I then wrote back that we should now settle things objectively and that she is welcome to sell the tickets because we won't find anyone who would take the tickets so quickly. And that she will get her money from the other tickets as soon as I get it refunded. She then suggested offsetting the tickets so that I still owe her €14. I transferred the money to her, after she told me that the tickets were sold and that was it. I don't want anything to do with her in the future at all. I thought of a lot of other things that happened. But it's no use for me to go into it here :) If she contacts me again at some point, I'll tell her that I don't want any more contact. I'm still hurt and very angry, but I know now that I won't get involved in anything like that again. Thank you for replying and make things a little clearer for me :)

Hey again! And - thank-you for thanking us - you're very, very welcome. :) "Thanks for asking, it's OK. I'm sometimes better, sometimes worse." Up and down, then...never know if it's going to be an okay day or hell-on-a-stick. (Sounds like life with a narc.) "I have untreated scoliosis that has been causing me ll that symptoms. Since I was 13 I've had chronic pain due to my scoliosis that gets now worse depending on how I'm feeling that day." Why on earth, 'untreated'? Do you have a brace? Are you wearing it? "I've been on a sports program in a medical fitness studio for almost a month now and I'm also getting physical therapy." Oh GOOD! "I've also applied for rehab." Well done! You're mentally perfectly functioning, then? (Same reason Narcichops up there could never get the better of you... that rare ability/skill to still think intelligently under-fire or serious pressure.) "And I'm trying to incorporate exercises at home and at work to alleviate my pain and symptoms a little." CALLANETICS! The exercises are designed deliberately so that it's impossible to include your back. Plus, all you do is get into a position and then jig a bit (meaning, once you have them down by-heart, you can do them on the living-room carpet while watching telly. Not only that but you VERY quickly end up with a figure-skater's figure, all stretched-out and elegant (and that's after only 10 sessions of one hour...or 15 minutes at-a-time if you prefer). Another tip: every time you make a cuppa, do it with your bum clenched (pelvic muscles). Pretty soon it'll become a habit you don't even think about (- you've got enough to think about, eh!). "Unfortunately, I've already been through a few doctors who have sometimes misdiagnosed me," Urrrrch. (Strike above question - THIS is why!) "so now that I've finally found a doctor who takes me seriously," Ah, well, then - that calls for this!....(enjoy)... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRhjWdr-LAA "I still have to have a few MRIs done so that I know exactly what's wrong with me. So I'm trying a lot to improve my condition :) " YES. YOU. ARE. (Gold Star on your clever forehead - THLUP!) You're a Fighter (Warrior), not a Flighter, Fawner or Freezer (WHEN not still tied in a narc straitjacket, avec gag, obvs; they get you over a sodding barrel, don't they!). "About Tricksie (:D)" Well, as she's (either genuinely or as an aversion ploy) incredibly thin-skinned despite doesn't deserve to be and has no basis, YET incredibly IN-sensitive where the other person is concerned - really, we could go further and make it, Fifi Tricksiebelle) (sorry Bob Geldof lol). "she contacted me again about a concert we wanted to go to together in like a month, about the tickets." You mean, SINCE?...i.e. has tried a Hoover?...a "nothing happened around here, folks" tactic? (Google "Narc Hoover - pressing the Reset Button"). "After I hadn't replied for two days because I wanted to check with my fiancé whether he wanted to give my ticket to a friend and then go to the concert," "I'd have just said, 'To be honest, I'm not sure I want to spend an evening with someone who seems to want to pretend nothing's wrong when everything is?') " she sent me a message saying that it was ridiculous that I was accusing her of blocking me and not replying now (I thought that was funny because she indirectly admitted that she had really blocked me)." YyyyUP! I've got a story like that one, where, in their rush to (twistingly, gaslightingly) prove their innocence they inadvertently revealed worse and landed themselves even deeper in it....Whoops, own goal! "Then she wrote that she is the kind of person who likes to settle unpleasant things quickly" As above - Shove it under the rug to avoid consequences by avoiding 'standing trial', more like....as, for her information, makes her nothing LIKE "a person"! And anyway - so what! Who died and made HER the despotic boss of you?! In a normal, i.e. *equal* friendship (which is what they can't tolerate), it's a compromise between what one likes and the other likes! So there's another slip-up of a confession she's made: she is not qualified for friendship....Hmmm...in which case, she might be a mild Narc-Sociopath...no finesse, TRY to be covert but fail...and other things 'n stuff, so rely on love-bombing, distraction, word-salading to take you off-aim.) "and that I still owe her a lot of money for another concert." Oh yeah? "I then wrote back that we should now settle things objectively and that she is welcome to sell the tickets because we won't find anyone who would take the tickets so quickly. And that she will get her money from the other tickets as soon as I get it refunded." Oooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hooooooo! Get you! Hahahaha!! I llllike it! 'The worm has turned' and I was right - it has huge fangs! (THLUP!) Quite right too. 'YOOOU created it - YOU clean it up!'. (Have another one: THLUP!) Oh, yeah, you're going to fall off your chair as the months unfold and you 'miraculously' make significant improvements - definitely. "She" Mmmmmmm....'It', really (but I digress)... "(She) then suggested offsetting the tickets so that I still owe her €14. I transferred the money to her, after she told me that the tickets were sold and that was it. I don't want anything to do with her in the future at all." Woah! Wasn't expecting that! (THLUP-THLUP-THLUP!) Blimey, you're not just a 'barrister', you're a Weeble! (Youtube: "Weebles wobble but they don't fall down") "I thought of a lot of other things that happened. But it's no use for me to go into it here :)" Well, it's the opposite, actually. It really-really helps when you get those weak moments...those Grief Waves, crashing in seemingly out of nowhere - to have her Rap Sheet instantly to-hand, to rev your strength (via anger/indignation) up again. Try it, Sam-I-Am, you might like Ranty Eggs n Ham. :) Also, you'd be doing your readers/lurkers a huge favour because they'll be able to identify their own narc, as in, 'OMG, my ex-friend did and said almost exactly the same thing! So it's NOT me!'. The offer's there. :) "If she contacts me again at some point, I'll tell her that I don't want any more contact." Crowd chimes: YEEEAHHHHH! DAMN RIGHT! YOU GO, GIRL! "I'm still hurt and very angry," COURSE you are! If you weren't, I'd assume there had to be something wrong with you and be calling for Matron! " but I know now that I won't get involved in anything like that again." THLUP! There are definite upsides to being used to ignoring pain and doing it (the right thing) anyway, eh. (Had you realised that already?) "Thank you for replying and make things a little clearer for me :)" Thank yourself. It was all your idea, haha! Me, I just know too much and love the sound of clicking keyboard keys, haha (joke). PS: Fourteen Quid to get rid of her. That's cheap for a Narc. What with finally finding your medical match - plus your lovely fiance (albeit that he's obviously a blokie bloke, hence you needed an extra supporter) - somebody up there obviously likes you. :) ...but just wanted you to spend time pumping your mental muscles to compensate for your (temporarily) weakened ones. (I'm not religious but I am spiritual, and have TOO MUCH proof - including with witnesses - that Fate is real.) Very proud of you, missus. :))))

Hey, you gave me some good laughs with the video and the reference to Weeble :D "Why on earth, 'untreated'? Do you have a brace? Are you wearing it?" Well, no :D when I was diagnosed (at 13) my parents left it up to me to decide whether I wanted to do something about it or not. According to the doctor, I definitely needed a brace. The X-ray back then scared me so much that I didn't want to deal with it (until now), and a bit there was also the typical rebellious teenage mentality. Shortly afterwards my mother became mentally ill, which is why I have generally put my health/needs on the back burner since then, to help my mum and dad and of course to manage to deal with all that shit (sorry) that came at me at that young age. At that time the pain wasn't quite as bad, more occasional and therefore quite bearable. So in short, no, I don't have a brace and generally haven't really done anything about it up to now, unfortunately. After the pain suddenly became significantly worse and all that new symptoms showed, I've been running from doctor to doctor for the last 2 years. Sometimes they said "take these strong tranquilizers if you ever feel like something is wrong with you again and you want to call an ambulance" or "you can sometimes imagine things" in relation to my dizziness and pain. Another classic was "you're too young for anything serious, you only have mild scoliosis" or "yes, it can't really be caused by the scoliosis/spine, just do some exercise". None of them wanted to order an MRI, even though I asked several times, because i had the feeling that there must be something wrong besides my scoliosis. But finally a doctor took me seriously. Yesterday I had the long-awaited MRI of my cervical spine. It turned out that I have a slipped disc and three that are close to it. In addition, my thoracal scoliosis is more severe than the last orthopedic doctor said; instead of 26°, it's 40°... in my lumbar spine, pretty much every disc is bulging and some early, mild arthrosis and osteochondrosis, lumbar lordosis and cervical spine lordosis have also been diagnosed. It could all be worse, but that's enough for me :D but yeah, as always step by step, it will be fine at the end :) "You mean, SINCE?...i.e. has tried a Hoover?...a "nothing happened around here, folks" tactic?" yes, that was the first contact since November last year and her message was word for word "Hi, I saw that the concert is at the end of March, what's it like?" I also thought that she was now acting as if nothing had happened in order to give me the deciding ball so that I have to decide where our "friendship" is going. From her perspective, she hasn't done anything wrong, so in her opinion she doesn't need to apologize to me, but I have to apologize to her. (I'm very sure that's what she thinks) But the "sorting out unpleasant things quickly" thing is also true and I think that was the main reason why she wrote to me, because I still owed her money for the other concert. I had already thought about the fact that this concert was still on the cards. If it had been up to me, she could have given the tickets away, buried them, burned them. I wouldn't have cared. I would have simply never written to her again. Of course I would have transferred the money for the other tickets to her as soon as I had the money, as we had agreed before the argument, and that would have been it. "The offer's there. :)" The other concert that we wanted to go to together and for which I owed her the money is a good example of what else has happened. There is also more about my proposal but that is a really long story... So, the band Twenty One Pilots that we wanted to see together is my absolute favorite band (I really love them and owe a lot to them/their music), she also likes/liked the band very much, i knew she didnt listen to them quiet much like back then but we have been to one of their concerts together before (where it also turned out that she doesn't like the pit very much, it was her first pit concert and she didnt like it because it was sweaty and tight, you couldnt see the stage and someone stepped on her foot). As I said, I have a lot of connections to this music and I was extremely happy when a tour was announced and immediately bought tickets for the pit (because I love the pit, im used to heavy metal crowds and wall of deaths :D) When I told her that i had tickets, I immediately tried to justify myself and explained to her why I had bought tickets just for me and my fiance without asking her if she wanted to come with us, because I had already expected that she might be angry/disappointed. She said everythings fine, i doubed it. I wanted to go to a second concert with seats anyway, in case I couldn't enjoy the concert in the pit because of my back, so I asked her next time we phoned if she wanted to come with us for a seated one. She and her fiancé wanted to come with us, so I bought the tickets. Shortly before our argument (maybe a few weeks before), she sent me a voice message saying that they had both listened to the new album and didn't like the music that much. They would rather not come with us, but only if I wasn't too angry/sad. If I really wanted them to come with us (we maybe wanted to make it a couple's weekend trip, so it wasn't just about the concert), they would go with us. Well, I didn't really want them to come if they didn't want to, why should I? :D I told her that its okay when they dont want to go and that im not mad or sad about it and that i will sell the tickets for them. Like a few hours later the tickets were sold and i messaged her to tell her. After that I had the feeling that something was up..... well i guess i was on the right track there :D "There are definite upsides to being used to ignoring pain and doing it (the right thing) anyway, eh. (Had you realised that already?)" Definitely! Thats how i manage life since ever. i´ve been trough some tough stuff and I know i'm impressively strong (self-praise stinks), but sometimes i forget that :D "somebody up there obviously likes you. :) ...but just wanted you to spend time pumping your mental muscles to compensate for your (temporarily) weakened ones. (I'm not religious but I am spiritual, and have TOO MUCH proof - including with witnesses - that Fate is real." :D if there is somebody up there, i hope so :D Yeah im with you, i dont believe in a god or some religion either. But i also definitely believe that Karma and Fate could be real. "Very proud of you, missus. :))))" Thanks :)

(Just bumping you up)

"Hey, you gave me some good laughs with the video and the reference to Weeble :D" Ah, good. Good sign if you've still got your SOH. "Why on earth, 'untreated'? Do you have a brace? Are you wearing it?" Well, no :D when I was diagnosed (at 13) my parents left it up to me to decide whether I wanted to do something about it or not. " HUH???? "According to the doctor, I definitely needed a brace. The X-ray back then scared me so much that I didn't want to deal with it (until now), and a bit there was also the typical rebellious teenage mentality." Yuh - that's why you get given parents. So that THEY can make that adult-executive decision. You weren't qualified. Were they very liberal? "Shortly afterwards my mother became mentally ill, which is why I have generally put my health/needs on the back burner since then, to help my mum and dad and of course to manage to deal with all that shit (sorry) that came at me at that young age." What with - depression? Do you know what brought it on? "At that time the pain wasn't quite as bad, more occasional and therefore quite bearable." Again - that's what parents are there for.... to explain to you that it's bearable NOW but the point of the brace is so that it doesn't rapidly deterioriate. Do you suppose your mum was already a bit 'out to lunch' at that point, and your dad used to leaving health stuff completely to her to preside over? Are they still together? How IS your mum these days? "So in short, no, I don't have a brace and generally haven't really done anything about it up to now, unfortunately." Seriously - I cannot-CANNOT recommend Callanetics ENOUGH for your condition! "After the pain suddenly became significantly worse and all that new symptoms showed, I've been running from doctor to doctor for the last 2 years. Sometimes they said "take these strong tranquilizers if you ever feel like something is wrong with you again and you want to call an ambulance" (Great...) "or "you can sometimes imagine things" in relation to my dizziness and pain." (Ohhh eff-off, you neglectful basstd) (- sorry back haha!) "Another classic was "you're too young for anything serious, you only have mild scoliosis"" (Duuu-uu-uuuuuh?! Yeah, right NOW I do, yeah - duuuuuh?) "or "yes, it can't really be caused by the scoliosis/spine, just do some exercise". (Just resign.) "None of them wanted to order an MRI," Too expensive each time. (You're in America, right?) "even though I asked several times, because i had the feeling that there must be something wrong besides my scoliosis. But finally a doctor took me seriously. Yesterday I had the long-awaited MRI of my cervical spine." Finding someone VOCATIONAL and thereby dedicated can be harder than trying to find your lifelong romantic partner, eh! Anyway - bless him. (Once you see distinct improvements, you'll have to invite him to your wedding day to say thanks, eh.) "It turned out that I have a slipped disc and three that are close to it." THREE?! Oh, jeezuz! "In addition, my thoracal scoliosis is more severe than the last orthopedic doctor said; instead of 26°, it's 40°... in my lumbar spine, pretty much every disc is bulging and some early, mild arthrosis and osteochondrosis, lumbar lordosis and cervical spine lordosis have also been diagnosed. It could all be worse, but that's enough for me :D but yeah, as always step by step, it will be fine at the end :)" OMG, what kind of chronic pain have YOU been in for years and years?!?! Do you think you might have any cases for Negligence there? ...Talking of negligence: "You mean, SINCE?...i.e. has tried a Hoover?...a "nothing happened around here, folks" tactic?" yes, that was the first contact since November last year and her message was word for word "Hi, I saw that the concert is at the end of March, what's it like?" I also thought that she was now acting as if nothing had happened" DEFINITELY. "in order to give me the deciding ball so that I have to decide where our "friendship" is going." Or WHETHER... Her banking-on it being a Yes. And therefore, if ever you complained again, she'd pull that - 'Well, I thought we were already OVER, but then YOU said X', crap. (Entire Narc back-to-front/upside-down attitudes as dictate their M.O.: "Hit or be hit/Dump or be dumped" and "She/he who cares least, wins!") "From her perspective, she hasn't done anything wrong, so in her opinion she doesn't need to apologize to me, but I have to apologize to her. (I'm very sure that's what she thinks)" Could be. Or (worse, she's AWARE of what she is) could just be part of her contrived-behavioural package/manipulation tactics. I rather think that, her acting like nothing had happened (which isn't credible, given she's not mentally retarded), says it all: I'm going to pretend so that I escape consequences and having to eat humble pie and apologise. (Part of having an emotional slave is, you don't ever have to apologise or atone.) "But the "sorting out unpleasant things quickly" thing is also true and I think that was the main reason why she wrote to me, because I still owed her money for the other concert." Nah. It was to test you out....take your temperature....see - HAD she got away with behaviour THAT shoddy or were you NOT desperate enough to be a good little slave, and say nothing, just take it, after all? "I had already thought about the fact that this concert was still on the cards. If it had been up to me, she could have given the tickets away, buried them, burned them." Shoved them up her ASk no questions, tell no lies, I saw a Policeman doing up his FLIES are a nuisance, wasps are worse, and that is the end of my naughty little verse. (Haha - remember that one at school?...'Down in the jungle in the green green grass'?) "I wouldn't have cared. I would have simply never written to her again. Of course I would have transferred the money for the other tickets to her as soon as I had the money, as we had agreed before the argument, and that would have been it." Well, you're a true lady for having done the right thing (even if just for your own sake and standards), that's for sure. Many would have told her to eff-off, that they were keeping the money because, well, they wanted to have got SOMETHING out of that long-running 'whatever-it-was'. ""The offer's there. :)" The other concert that we wanted to go to together and for which I owed her the money is a good example of what else has happened. There is also more about my proposal but that is a really long story" I'll make a coffee... Got it... "So, the band Twenty One Pilots that we wanted to see together is my absolute favorite band (I really love them and owe a lot to them/their music)," Never heard of those? Lemmie have a google... Ooh, I like that! (Haha - 'My name's Blurry-face and I care what you think'! Love it!) ...Yeah, I REALLY like that!.... Like his voice, too. Cheers! :) I'll pop the link in for everyone else: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXRviuL6vMY (50p each, please, thank-you). So..... Do you relate to those lyrics? "she also likes/liked the band very much, i knew she didnt listen to them quiet much like back then but we have been to one of their concerts together before " What's this? The Narc SWORE she liked or had grown to like the same music as you? Gosh, that's new! Google: Narcissistic friend - mirroring the victim (part of Love-Bombing). "(where it also turned out that she doesn't like the pit very much, it was her first pit concert and she didnt like it because it was sweaty and tight, you couldnt see the stage and someone stepped on her foot)." Hahahahaha! Karma didn't waste any time THERE, then! (Complained all the way through, did she?) "As I said, I have a lot of connections to this music and I was extremely happy when a tour was announced and immediately bought tickets for the pit (because I love the pit, im used to heavy metal crowds and wall of deaths :D)" You sound like our previous poster, Nav! "When I told her that i had tickets, I immediately tried to justify myself and explained to her why I had bought tickets just for me and my fiance without asking her if she wanted to come with us, because I had already expected that she might be angry/disappointed." Oh, did you not? Interesting... "She said everythings fine, i doubted it." Correct! Not that she HAD any right to expect to be invited out with your and your romantic partner to begin with, the cheeky ucker ('cept Swat Narcs Do (over-entitled, acting like you're constantly obliged to them, and have to the centre of attention whilst you have to be positively addicted to them or else there'll be trouble)). Haha...I'd have said: Well, the pair of us have always fancied secretly have sex in amongst the crowds at a concert so we figured you might want to sit this one out?...(or dya wanna start sleeping in the middle of our bed every night 'n all?) Let's change her name from Trixie to Iona. (Geddit? That's clearly what she thought where you were concerned....Giving you gyp for not inviting her to absolutely anything and everything you did, jeez....). Always subtly competing with your Fiance, was she? "I wanted to go to a second concert with seats anyway, in case I couldn't enjoy the concert in the pit because of my back," (That's what happens when you've had a Monkey on it for years.) "so I asked her next time we phoned if she wanted to come with us for a seated one. She and her fiancé wanted to come with us," SHE'S got a Fiance??? Question: who got engaged first? "so I bought the tickets. Shortly before our argument (maybe a few weeks before), she sent me a voice message saying that they had both listened to the new album and didn't like the music that much. They would rather not come with us, but only if I wasn't too angry/sad." After enough time had passed that obviously you'd have already bought the tickets. Mm-hm. I imagine that was her typically-petty Narc revenge for the non-invitation that she 'was fine' with. (What was the time lag between those two events, btw?) And never MIND if you weren't too angry/sad. She should have checked first, whether you'd already bought the tickets and, if you had (duuh), SAID NOTHING. ALSO - how's about listening to album BEFORE saying she wanted tickets! That too intelligent for her? Yeah, that smacks of deliberate to me. (See how petty-yet-not-petty they are? It also ceases being petty once you've had years of that shite.) "If I really wanted them to come with us (we maybe wanted to make it a couple's weekend trip, so it wasn't just about the concert), they would go with us. Well, I didn't really want them to come if they didn't want to," EEEEEX-actly! AND SHE KNEW THAT. She knew darn well. But again - we'll come if you WANT us to. (1) Fishing for compliments (litmusing your keenness-on-her level, aka taking your temperature) and (2) pushing her own responsibility onto YOU so that if it were the wrong decision, only you would be to-blame. "why should I? :D" Oh - haha! That's 'why'. Pathetic, isn't it. There's mealy-minded and then there's THAT. (Perpetually-Seething Kid In Grown-Up Suit - behaviour to-suit.) "I told her that its okay when they dont want to go and that im not mad or sad about it" OOPS!, hahahaha! (Note, that wouldn't normally be an Oops. But it is with a Narc because YOU'RE NOT BUTTERING THEM UP.) "and that i will sell the tickets for them. Like a few hours later the tickets were sold and i messaged her to tell her." Oops-OOPS!, hahahahahahahaha! "After that I had the feeling that something was up..... well i guess i was on the right track there :D" Yeah - no, shit, Sherlock! HAHAHAHAH! (Reading at that point: 'She who cares least' is the person who's supposed to be my Number 1 (obsessive) Fan! Best I put her back in her place!') "There are definite upsides to being used to ignoring pain and doing it (the right thing) anyway, eh. (Had you realised that already?)" Definitely! Thats how i manage life since ever. i´ve been trough some tough stuff and I know i'm impressively strong (self-praise stinks), but sometimes i forget that :D" Doctor: How are your pain levels, lately? You: Well, it's not as painful as a Narcissist. Self-praise doesn't stink. Self-praise that isn't true nor warranted (or highly inappropriate) is what stinks. Diff/all the diff. "somebody up there obviously likes you. :) ...but just wanted you to spend time pumping your mental muscles to compensate for your (temporarily) weakened ones. (I'm not religious but I am spiritual, and have TOO MUCH proof - including with witnesses - that Fate is real." :D if there is somebody up there, i hope so :D" Looks like it? I mean, you're relatively unscatched, all things considered? Have a think....Do you suppose she saw you - taming, training (with a view to mentally incarcerating) you - as a challenge in the beginning? "Yeah im with you, i dont believe in a god or some religion either. But i also definitely believe that Karma and Fate could be real." Probably why it likes you. :) "Very proud of you, missus. :))))" Thanks :)" De nada! You (when left in-charge of your own devices) don't mess around, do ya?

"Yuh - that's why you get given parents. So that THEY can make that adult-executive decision. You weren't qualified. Were they very liberal?" Yes, I know they failed as parents in this case. But given the circumstances that immediately followed, I can't blame them. My mother was already ill at the time, it just wasn't really noticeable. When we left the doctor's office, my mother asked me: "The x-ray picture hanging there, was that yours? Definitely not!...It can't be as bad as he says. Do you want to wear the thing he mentioned?" I said: "I don't know, he said it was mine...No, I don't want to." and then we never talked about it again. I had a good childhood and my parents were always very caring up until that point. My mum suffers from paranoid schizophrenia. It was a really really really tough time and sometimes still is. My parents are still together. My mother will never be the women i knew, but shes okay with the medication she takes right now. "Too expensive each time. (You're in America, right?)" no, i´m from germany. that was medical gaslighting at its finest. When i told my medical story the last doctor i went to, she just rolled her eyes and said "dont worry, we will do MRIs, that should have been done already by those symptoms you´re showing." inside I screamed I KNOW!!! THANK YOU!!! :D "OMG, what kind of chronic pain have YOU been in for years and years?!?! Do you think you might have any cases for Negligence there?" Fortunately, I haven't really felt the basic pain for a long time, it's now my “I feel normal”. When the severe pain came along, I was useless without ibuprofen 800 mg and Novalgin 500 mg 4 times a day. And even with that I still had pain. Yes, I think it was very negligent of the doctors not to take me seriously. Unfortunately, that is often the case in our overburdened health system. "Never heard of those? Lemmie have a google...Ooh, I like that! (Haha - 'My name's Blurry-face and I care what you think'! Love it!)" Twenty One Pilots' music often deals with deep and emotional themes such as mental health issues, anxiety, self-doubt, identity and societal pressures. Their songs often reflect personal struggles, but also hope and the search for meaning in life. The song you found is one of their more commercially successful hits. They have been telling a story within the songs and music videos since the album Blurryface. it's all quite complex but basically they have created their own world in which the story that is being told takes place.(quick fill in to the story: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozlHHR_eSxc The listeners/fans are regularly involved in discovering new elements of the story as they are usually hidden in puzzles. The songs can be interpreted in different ways and Tyler always manages to make the songs suitable for the story as well as for other meanings. The music found me at a time when I was almost at rock bottom. Life was simply exhausting at that time and I was on the verge of just giving up. since then this band has accompanied me, in good times and bad :) if you're interested, here are a few songs that go a little deeper than stressed out, I´ll pick one from each album: Isle of flightless birds: this is a older song, from the first album before they became famous. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CHXfuGXM1Gg Car Radio: hard choice, i love the album vessel. Every song is amazing but car radio will always be my favorite. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4EuVOMQyXk&list=PLoDAYWBKduzh5L8ISW_etHN0fBdzB_HRg&index=5 Polarize: its from the album Blurryface, which was their breaktrough world wide. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MiPBQJq49xk&list=PL3roRV3JHZzZd6SeYqYhPFFOm5pBlAQWg&index=9 Cut my Lip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRwXUzHpHIc&list=PL3roRV3JHZzYrywUGDSoIeF7J9P4sWIba&index=10 Choker: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sBRnnnZyFw Oldies Station: Tyler wrote that song for the fans. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBE_2sHDt4E And last but not least this masterpiece: The Line (I absolutely adore this version of the song) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTCjLglvnf8 "(Complained all the way through, did she?)" She did... "SHE'S got a Fiance???" Yeah, she also accused me of that in the argument—that she hasn’t been able to personally tell me for two months that she’s now engaged, but back then for my proposal, she traveled so far for me and even argued with “some dumb girl.” But I didn’t know that the big question had been asked. Her fiancé didn’t let me in on it... "Question: who got engaged first?" So, My fiancé and I got engaged first. "I imagine that was her typically-petty Narc revenge for the non-invitation that she 'was fine' with. (What was the time lag between those two events, btw?)" Yeah, I think so too. Although the time frame is definitely long. Maybe it was something else that didn’t sit right with her. I bought the tickets in June 2024. The album came out in May 2024 and at the End of October/ beginning of November 2024 she told me that she didn´t want to go. "ALSO - how's about listening to album BEFORE saying she wanted tickets! That too intelligent for her?" Yes, exactly! (Well, I wanted to get it done quickly, as there were only a few tickets left) BUT I don't know any artist who only plays new songs - there are always a few old ones in the set anyway. ""I told her that its okay when they dont want to go and that im not mad or sad about it" OOPS!, hahahaha! (Note, that wouldn't normally be an Oops. But it is with a Narc because YOU'RE NOT BUTTERING THEM UP.)" I knew I was stirring things up by reacting that way. I did it anyway because I’m tired of it. I knew exactly that what she really wanted to hear was, "Ohhh nooo, please, please come! Without you, it would be soooo awful, I was so excited!" But I just couldn’t be bothered anymore because she would have found some other way to ruin it for me anyway. Especially if shes there and don´t want to be.

Be with you asap! :)

Heya! ""Yuh - that's why you get given parents. So that THEY can make that adult-executive decision. You weren't qualified. Were they very liberal?" "Yes, I know they failed as parents in this case. But given the circumstances that immediately followed, I can't blame them. My mother was already ill at the time, it just wasn't really noticeable. When we left the doctor's office, my mother asked me: "The x-ray picture hanging there, was that yours? Definitely not!...It can't be as bad as he says. Do you want to wear the thing he mentioned?" I said: "I don't know, he said it was mine...No, I don't want to." and then we never talked about it again. I had a good childhood and my parents were always very caring up until that point."" Okay. Fairenoughski. "My mum suffers from paranoid schizophrenia. It was a really really really tough time and sometimes still is. My parents are still together. My mother will never be the women i knew, but shes okay with the medication she takes right now." I imagine there're mixed feelings about that for you: on the one hand, you don't have to deal with the Jekyll & Hyde ('the women i knew') any ore, but on the other hand, it must be like your 'real mother' passed away, yes? Did ex-Fiend sort-of fill any part(s) of that role?...or play big sister or something? (...or just act like she did, even, I should add). ""Too expensive each time. (You're in America, right?)" "no, i´m from germany. that was medical gaslighting at its finest. When i told my medical story the last doctor i went to, she just rolled her eyes and said "dont worry, we will do MRIs, that should have been done already by those symptoms you´re showing." inside I screamed I KNOW!!! THANK YOU!!! :D" Ah! Our first German, I think! Guten tag und welcommen! :) ""OMG, what kind of chronic pain have YOU been in for years and years?!?! Do you think you might have any cases for Negligence there?" Fortunately, I haven't really felt the basic pain for a long time, it's now my “I feel normal”." Well, thank uck for small mercies! (So you're great at adapting, then?) "When the severe pain came along, I was useless without ibuprofen 800 mg and Novalgin 500 mg 4 times a day. And even with that I still had pain." Great... Did you ever try cannabis/marijuana? I was told my condition was for-life and prescribed it (by the hospital registrar, no less!...I was so shocked, had NO IDEA they could do that!). It works for physical pain AND emotional! As long as you're self-disciplined and treat it as respectfully as you would the prescription meds so that you're always in control of IT, rather than the other way round, and save it for particularly painful periods, then I thoroughly recommend it, especially as you can get it without the THC these days via drops from healthfood stores and online. So have you tried the drops? "Yes, I think it was very negligent of the doctors not to take me seriously. Unfortunately, that is often the case in our overburdened health system.' It's better than UK's, though, isn't it? What about Spain's? (Let's be honest - they're ALL shit when one looks behind the bloody 'shopfront window'. Just varying levels. But that's where self-help, self-healing, comes in. I mean - what do you think people DID before pharmaceuticals? How's your diet? If you were to do a multi-pincer job - 'attack' your condition from all angles simultaneously - sky's the limit. (Cheaper than via your GP 'n all.) Well, anyway, now you've got rid of Narcichops, you'll have the time, energy and wherewithall to look into all of this. And your first stop, I reckon, should be reading the bestseller, 'The Body Keeps The Score'. Only logical and VERY eye-opening. ""Never heard of those? Lemmie have a google...Ooh, I like that! (Haha - 'My name's Blurry-face and I care what you think'! Love it!)" Twenty One Pilots' music often deals with deep and emotional themes such as mental health issues, anxiety, self-doubt, identity and societal pressures. Their songs often reflect personal struggles, but also hope and the search for meaning in life." EX-cellent! I like beautiful things that also serve a huge functional purpose. Music is a pincer, certainly. "The song you found is one of their more commercially successful hits. They have been telling a story within the songs and music videos since the album Blurryface. it's all quite complex but basically they have created their own world in which the story that is being told takes place.(quick fill in to the story: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozlHHR_eSxc)" Cheers for that - I'll take a look first chance I get (bit over-busy at the mo)! "" The listeners/fans are regularly involved in discovering new elements of the story as they are usually hidden in puzzles. The songs can be interpreted in different ways and Tyler always manages to make the songs suitable for the story as well as for other meanings. The music found me at a time when I was almost at rock bottom. Life was simply exhausting at that time and I was on the verge of just giving up. since then this band has accompanied me, in good times and bad :)" Oh wow! Reminds me of the 80s hit, 'Last Night a DJ Saved My Life'! "if you're interested, here are a few songs that go a little deeper than stressed out, I´ll pick one from each album: Isle of flightless birds: this is a older song, from the first album before they became famous. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CHXfuGXM1Gg Car Radio: hard choice, i love the album vessel. Every song is amazing but car radio will always be my favorite. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4EuVOMQyXk&list=PLoDAYWBKduzh5L8ISW_etHN0fBdzB_HRg&index=5 Polarize: its from the album Blurryface, which was their breaktrough world wide. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MiPBQJq49xk&list=PL3roRV3JHZzZd6SeYqYhPFFOm5pBlAQWg&index=9 Cut my Lip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRwXUzHpHIc&list=PL3roRV3JHZzYrywUGDSoIeF7J9P4sWIba&index=10 Choker: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sBRnnnZyFw Oldies Station: Tyler wrote that song for the fans. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBE_2sHDt4E) And last but not least this masterpiece: The Line (I absolutely adore this version of the song) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTCjLglvnf8" I'm interested in absolutely everything....nosy as duck! LOL Yeah, I'll enjoy those cheers again! So does Fiance like them too? ""(Complained all the way through, did she?)" She did..." How did I know that, eh? Have a guess. ""SHE'S got a Fiance???" "Yeah, she also accused me of that in the argument—that she hasn’t been able to personally tell me for two months that she’s now engaged, but back then for my proposal, she traveled so far for me and even argued with “some dumb girl.”" (SOME DUMB GIRL?????? Pass me the wet flip-flop if you please?) "But I didn’t know that the big question had been asked. Her fiancé didn’t let me in on it... " Anyway, yes, I recall from up there. Pathetic. Couldn't find anything to pin on you so either made it up to-all-intents-and-purposes or LITERALLY made it up! (That must mean you're an angel. :)) ""Question: who got engaged first?" So, My fiancé and I got engaged first."" Yeah....Thought so. (It's an illness/deformity so they literally all think and act the same - just the reasons that differ, per type.) ""I imagine that was her typically-petty Narc revenge for the non-invitation that she 'was fine' with. (What was the time lag between those two events, btw?)" Yeah, I think so too." Yeah, I think so THREE. "Although the time frame is definitely long." Doesn't matter. Just the first/best opportunity. Could be a YEAR later that they make you pay (for not having read their mind, say). They can't process negative stuff away, unlike us, except for batting-back/kicking the cat/revenge (but without the RIGHT to!...there's the important diff/all the diff.) "Maybe it was something else that didn’t sit right with her. I bought the tickets in June 2024. The album came out in May 2024 and at the End of October/ beginning of November 2024 she told me that she didn´t want to go." (Yeah, she'd had time...) ""ALSO - how's about listening to album BEFORE saying she wanted tickets! That too intelligent for her?" Yes, exactly! (Well, I wanted to get it done quickly, as there were only a few tickets left) BUT I don't know any artist who only plays new songs - there are always a few old ones in the set anyway." Yup. But she only ever PRETENDED to be into them - or remotely as into them as you. So ducking-out, leaving you high 'n dry and 'holding the baby', secretly was never any skin off her own nose. So as you can see: your strengths and weaknesses get noted down and used against you at some or other later (or laterlaterlater) date - as per the meme that goes, 'Anything you say to a Narc WILL be taken down and used against you'. You were supposed to be really upset, only: ""I told her that its okay when they dont want to go and that im not mad or sad about it" OOPS!, hahahaha! (Note, that wouldn't normally be an Oops. But it is with a Narc because YOU'RE NOT BUTTERING THEM UP.)" ('Curses, foiled!') Haha! May as well have just done a Rhett Butler and said, 'Frankly, My Dear, I don't GIVE a damn'. :D "I knew I was stirring things up by reacting that way. I did it anyway because I’m tired of it." Because it was time to show her you are not anyone's victim - YOU'RE JUST NNNNNNICE. Nice does NOT mean, stupid, or desperate and willing to do anything, trying to buy them, any of that nonsense. It MEANS, strong and more intelligent than the average, so much so you have nuturing LEFT OVER FOR OTHERS (i.e. only the truly intelligent are Nice). So you showed her YOUR fangs. Haha, nice one! (I wonder if afterwards she threw anything?) "I knew exactly that what she really wanted to hear was, "Ohhh nooo, please, please come! Without you, it would be soooo awful, I was so excited!"" Exactly - you gottit! Yeah, I knew you did. :) "But I just couldn’t be bothered anymore because she would have found some other way to ruin it for me anyway. Especially if shes there and don´t want to be." Being her friend is pointless and futile. Yup. Well articulated, Modom. :)

"""Too expensive each time. (You're in America, right?)" "no, i´m from germany. that was medical gaslighting at its finest. When i told my medical story the last doctor i went to, she just rolled her eyes and said "dont worry, we will do MRIs, that should have been done already by those symptoms you´re showing." inside I screamed I KNOW!!! THANK YOU!!! :D"" Why don't you, when you next get a mo, ring around a couple of personal liability solicitors, see what they think about whether you've a case? I mean - delays/queues for investigative/diagnostic appointments are one thing, but, if you've actually HAD the appointments yet these "should haves" weren't carried out - that's Negligence. Worth investigating, eh?

Hey there, What follows is a long text. I've had a few Aha moments in the last few days and I'd like to share them. I'll also translate two conversations we had over WhatsApp that are actually very informative. I'll take out all the personal names etc., of course. I think through the messages you can understand much better what this friendship really was like. If you wanna skip some parts i dont mind :D "I imagine there're mixed feelings about that for you: on the one hand, you don't have to deal with the Jekyll & Hyde ('the women i knew') any ore, but on the other hand, it must be like your 'real mother' passed away, yes?" Well, you know... I look after my parents (Almost exactly after I started my training as a medical assistant, my father was admitted to hospital because he had developed an open foot due to diabetes. That was in 2015/2016. Since then, he has had several chronic wounds on his foot, which I initially cared for in collaboration with the family doctor. Now my fiancé helps too (he's a geriatric nurse) and we also manage a bit of household.) That's why I'm still in contact with all "three" of them my father, jekyll and hyde (sometimes I wish I wouldn´t have any contact anymore). The medication she takes, only helps her to find peace and suppresses most of the symptoms. So she has good and bad days, on bad days it's mainly the crazy talking, insulting and coercive behaviour that comes to the fore. But it stays within limits. On good days you can have a bit of a normal chat with her. But it's no longer possible to build up any real depth, neither in conversations nor in interpersonal relationships. So yes, my "real mother" has passed away, even though she is alive. For a very long time (especially in my youth) I was very angry with her because she just ‘let me down’ and changed like that, even though it wasn't her fault that she was like that. Now it still hurts, it breaks my heart every time I visit, but on the whole I'm coping well and I'm happy about every slightly better day when we have a good chat. "Did ex-Fiend sort-of fill any part(s) of that role?...or play big sister or something? (...or just act like she did, even, I should add)." Voldemortina lost her mum as a teenager (maybe, just maybe I have her number now saved in my phone like that - i wanted to delete it, but could not yet). So that was something that always connected us, because I could empathise with that pain in a certain way and also how it is to deal with something like that alone, at such a young age. we often talked about things in life and were more of a support to each other in terms of understanding each other (haha funny). so yes, it may well be that she has filled a part of the role somewhere, as you said most likely sister-wise like. When i think about it, because you mean ‘just pretending’... in telephone conversations in which i was ranting about work, for example, she often gave unsolicited advice instead of just listening and supporting me in my point of view (i wanted co-ranting, no life advice). She also often interrupted me mid-sentence when I was saying something because something was going on. For example, because she thought there was something floating in her coffee, which caused her to interrupt me and just be silent on the other line for a long time. Until I asked if she was still there. Then i tried to remember what i wanted to say, which usually ended with her having to end the call because she still had something to do "If you don't know what you wanted to say, I'd have to hang up anyway, I still have to do xy". Sometimes it was her now fiancé who she just randomly asked something in the middle of my sentence. It wasn't always like this, but that happened a lot, I think I only said to her once "hey, if you're not interested in what I'm saying, then just say it" to which she just said "no no, keep talking, I'm listening to you" Of course, it always felt like she didn't want to listen to me, like I was getting on her nerves. In such situations, this sometimes led to me simply stopping telling her things because I thought she wasn't interested. Whereas of course the other way around, I always listened to her. I co-ranted with her about everything. I brainstormed with her for hours because she wants to write a book and she went through the story and structure with me. Some phone calls were actually more like monologues on her part and I said "mhm" every now and then and asked questions when I couldn't follow or wanted to understand better what she was talking about. Sometimes she asked for advice, but then usually contradicted me directly and later obviously solved it in her own way and then complained that she didn´t know if it was the right thing she´d done. I just accepted that and a lot of other much worser things. I never actually said anything against her behavior, even though it annoyed me and hurt me, because I didn't want to lose her. I've realized that now. I have a need for a deep, honest friendship, but since I'm also really weird when it comes to social interaction with strangers, I held on to what came closest to that because otherwise I wouldn't have had anything. I really don't think she's a narcissist, she probably has narcissistic traits and definitley a few other personal issues. So do I and I also played a big part in it getting to this point. I looked again for all the old chats in which we had "argued". It was always the same (also always via WhatsApp). As soon as she felt even remotely neglected, she wrote me a long message in which she expressed her point of view to me in an accusatory and emotionally manipulative way. These messages started and became more frequent when I got together with my now fiancé in 2018. And I always tried to smooth things over to keep what we had... whatever that was. Even though it was years ago, I now recognize a pattern....Like I said, it actually started in 2018 and it was always about me not being interested in her anymore, not putting enough into the friendship and her assuming she did all the "work". Yes, there were times like that, but that's ín my opinion completely normal, especially when you consider that I was newly in love and of course spending more time with my boyfriend OR and this is a very important point, when I wasn't feeling well (mentally, physically) and started to withdraw.. I don't think she could handle the fact that she was no longer "number one" in my life.UAnd in her opinion, there is literally no excuse for not caring for your friends or not making an effort to be friends - not even when you are depressed, overwhelmed, or sick. Because she made it out of depression and in it she still could be there for her friends, but that's another story.... Before that, I was somehow unhappy with my ex-boyfriend and held on to something that should have ended years ago (I see a pattern here too, apparently I find it hard to let go even when it's not good for me) so she was a strong anchor for me during this time, because she always listened to me when i complained about my exboyfriend and how he treated me and I really did a lot with her, like almost every weekend and sometimes after work. If you dont mind I want to show what she wrote to me and write it from my mind and soul what I did learn and found today, this clears so much up....and im absoluetly shocked about what will follow, that i didnt saw this earlier.. This exact message was sent to me in January 2019, at a time when everything in my life became too much for me (especially with my parents) and I called in sick for about a week because I couldn't really get anything done anymore, but I still somehow functioned and got some things done (I don't know how to describe it, I hope you understand what I'm trying to say :D) it felt like burned out from being overwhelmed and i was (i think) depressed. I also didn't involve my fiancé, who was still my boyfriend at the time, that much because I didn't want to burden him. (we had only been together for about a year) So the message from Voldemortina said: *Hi CreativeNick, I just need to get something off my chest. You've been acting really strangely lately. I didn't say anything the other time with another friend when you "didn't have time until 6pm" and then cancelled "because you didn't have time". Afterwards I found out that you were skipping work anyway...just like now on Wednesday, you can't come until 5pm and then you just cancelled and today I found out you're on holiday for the whole week. Sorry but that's really antisocial and there's no excuse. I'm just writing to tell you that I'm not stupid and I'm not going to let myself be fooled like that anymore. I really don't mean it in a bad way but I wanted to come clean.* How can that not be meant in a bad way?.... My message to her (one day later): *I still don't know what to say about it... I don't want to fool anyone or make them look stupid. Things can come up on vacation too, it wasn't my fault. I had my reasons for not going to work on the spur of the moment and it wasn't because I just didn't feel like going to work. I still had a lot to do that day, that was just the way it was. But it doesn't matter now, my "excuses" don't work anyway. I'm sorry if you felt like you were being fooled, that was definitely not my intention.* Dumb me, saying sorry for things I dont have to say sorry for. oh god how bad.. I cancelled meetings twice within a short period of time because I just couldn't make it. And i didn´t say why i can´t make it... I am the worst person in the world, aren´t I? :D Her response: *mhh... I don't know, I'm really hurt and disappointed. It's not about something coming up. We agreed on it on Wednesday a week before and then asked again the day before. So apart from a bad car accident, I can't think of anything else that could come up on a vacation day. And the most important thing about it is that it's your business why you can't go, but that you don't even give the reasons for cancellations at such short notice or in general. It's a complete secret. I thought you were a close friend of mine so that I would at least find out the reason. But I'm not even doing that now. In all honesty, CreativeNick, I write to you saying I felt like I was being made fun of and you make me wait a day? And then you say "I had my reasons" you've become so different. And I just think it's a shame about the friendship, but apparently it only exists on one side, I'm starting to get the feeling. I really feel like a bitch who doesn't understand that the guy doesn't want anything from her.* Excuuuuuseee meeeee whaaaaat the fuuuuuck!!! "Well, apart from a bad car accident, I can't think of anything else that could happen on a vacation day"....This sentence in particular (and everything else too) made me so freaking angry today when I read it again, and it did back then too. But the stupid me from back then simply let some time pass so that I didn't respond angrily, in my mind i was like ". And then i justified myself again even though I don't owe her any accountability. I also tried to answer as polite as possible and even apologised at the end.. This was my response: *I made you wait a day because maybe I was also hurt that you called me antisocial. I didn’t think it was that dramatic, and I actually really would have liked to come. The reason I didn’t explain earlier was just a reaction to your "no excuse counts" comment. The reason was that I had to go grocery shopping for my parents, and I couldn’t postpone it. When I was at their place, I ended up in a long discussion with my dad. I originally wanted to go on Thursday because I had to go to the doctor for his medication anyway, but then my dad called me just before I texted that I’d be late, telling me they had nothing left because they had eaten everything already. The days before, I had spent with my Boyfriend because of our anniversary. We had actually planned two weeks of vacation, but in the end, we only had three days off together, so we used those for day trips. ((sidenote: i dont really remember why only 3 days, I think he had to step in at work because someone got sick.)) So, I left right after showering, got to my parents' place around 5:30 PM, and then the discussion with my dad started—mainly, as always, about my mom, etc. So, I wrote that I probably wouldn’t make it anymore and that it wouldn’t really be worth it. I could have left at 7 PM and would’ve only arrived in location shortly before 8 PM. And you had already said that you wouldn’t stay long. I wasn’t in a great mood, so I didn’t go into more detail. Plus, I wouldn’t want to share all of this in the group chat anyway. I also think it’s kind of sad that you reacted so strongly instead of just asking what was going on. I know you can’t magically sense when I’m feeling like crap, and you did ask how I was doing, but I’m just not the kind of person who likes to talk about these things. Lately, I haven’t been feeling great in general. I often feel completely unmotivated, kind of depressed somehow (that was also one of the reasons I didn’t go to work). I get annoyed so quickly, I’m frustrated with work and my parents, and I often just feel sad for no real reason. Right now, I still manage to get up in the morning, but honestly, I’d rather just stay in bed. It’s not this bad every day, mostly when I’m alone. I haven’t even told my Boyfriend about this... So, I’m sorry for reacting so snappily. You are definitely an important friend to me.* oh my, oh my ... i really wanted her to like me again... Do you see how I included a justification for not being able to do the grocery shopping on a different day in advance? I was expecting that Voldemortina wouldn't let me get away with it otherwise. And she made me tell her what was wrong with me, what I didn't want to share from the beginning and had never shared with anyone else, i also was really good at masking, as really no one noticed something was off with me. thats so fucked up, why did i do that?...And to be honest, I don't remember if we wanted to meet just the two of us or with others at both occasions...but since I mentioned the group chat, it can only mean that we wanted to meet in a larger group...which somehow makes the whole thing even more ridiculous. Her response: *I'm really sorry to hear that you're not doing well right now, and now I can understand it much better. Like you said, I can't just sense these things. I actually really wish you had told me. Then I could have also told you that I’m not doing well either. Maybe we could have supported each other—just sitting next to each other, watching a sad movie, and letting it all out. Maybe that's also why I reacted so strongly yesterday, simply because I’m not in a good place myself... You know, every time I talk to my boyfriend about you, I always say that you are a very special friend to me. Because I truly care about you, especially after our voluntary social year. And because you're the only person I know who understands what it's like when I say I don't really have a family and that I’m on my own. That’s exactly why I make sure to get you gifts for your birthday, with a card, or come to your graduation, and so on. I don’t even get my best friend anything (it’s not about material things). But just because, over the years, I’ve felt like we were a kind of family to each other. ((It was really nice that she was there at the graduation ceremony of my training, as my parents couldn't go and I would have been the only one there without family (of course my fiancé was there anyway) also nice thing with the gifts, now I must think I'm something special if she doesn't even give presents to her best friend..gosh)) But since you’ve been with your boyfriend, it really feels like we’re strangers. I barely hear from you. And there have just been a few things that really hurt me and made me feel left out—things I already mentioned or, for example, with your boyfriends birthday. And I know that none of it was intentional or meant in a bad way, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. ((Context: She mentioned my boyfriend's birthday party. He had invited a few friends but not Voldemortina and her boyfriend... of course she had expected to be invited too. I didn't think about it or interfere with who he invited, it's not my birthday and he can decide for himself who he invites and who he doesn't. she was shocked when se found out like three days in advance that there will be the party and of course i said "oh im so sorry, i forgot about you, you can come if you want")) Especially right now, I feel lonely as it is, like I don’t really have any friends… So what happened with you on Wednesday was just the thing that pushed me over the edge. I didn’t say that you were antisocial, but that it was an antisocial thing to do. I’m sorry for saying it so harshly, but at that moment, I really thought, Wow… she really doesn’t care at all about what I’m writing. Especially because I thought you were doing really well now, living with your boyfriend and all.((sure, all my problems just vanished when i moved out from my parents)) I definitely apologize for snapping at you, now that I understand the full context. But I’m still hurt—especially because last night, I ended up crying, thinking that you just didn’t care at all (since you didn’t reply).* Guess what I did after that message? That's right, I apologized and even said that I was the one who overreacted... because now I felt bad because she was not in a good place too and I made it worse... so then I was the bad one, most likely the depressed one who doesn't talk about it casually because that's what normal people with depression always do... gosh I'm so angry...how could I not see that?? Or maybe I did see that but still did everything I could to keep her or the illusion of a possible deep friendship, even if only in my head? My final response: *I'm sorry that I didn't reply to you right away… I overreacted. And I’m also sorry if I disappointed or hurt you. You’re really important to me, and I also see you as part of my family. You’ve supported me through some really shitty times when no one else cared. I didn’t tell you about this right away because I’ve had these phases before, and they usually sorted themselves out after a few weeks. And honestly, I’m just really bad at admitting these things openly… Especially when we did spend time together, it was mostly with the guys, so there wasn’t really a chance for the topic to come up. And even if there had been, I wouldn’t have talked about it in front of them anyway. I also think it’s a shame that we haven’t seen each other as much lately. But that’s also because I’m pretty exhausted after work and don’t really feel like doing much. Things with Boyfriend are good, everything’s fine there. Maybe we can go out for a drink or something next week and talk about everything again?* The really shitty times was when I split up with my ex-boyfriend, who I had been with for over 10 years. that was also a pretty toxic relationship... that was a really hard breakup and I didn't know how to be alone anymore and what I could/should do on my own. She really helped me then, distracted me with activities. Before this thing, she messaged me like a few months earlier also about the issue that i dont have time for her, because I do spent a lot of time with my boyfriend. Also after this there were 3 more messages from her about me not doing enough in that friendship. I have to show, that was straight in pandemic 2020, like first lockdown: *Hey CreativeNick, I don’t know if you’ve noticed the last few times, but lately, I’ve been finding it really difficult to do things with you and your boyfriend. I don’t want to attack you or start a big argument, but I just can’t continue like this. We’ve talked about this so many times already—I feel like very little comes from you. The last time we planned a gaming night, you kept us waiting for 1.5 hours, and the whole thing with Sky wasn’t cool either. For me, it’s about how you react to situations like that. I don’t want to drag your boyfriend into this because this is mainly about you and me. Whether it’s Hamburg, Heidelberg, or other plans, it often feels like my boyfriend and I aren’t really included and have to invite ourselves. I constantly feel like I’m second choice, and at some point, it’s not just a matter of forgetting. Every weekend, I barely hear anything from you, but you’re always spending time with your boyfriend´s people. It feels like everything has to come from me, and when I suggest a trip or something, it seems like you’re not really interested—like with Sweden. Like I said, we’ve talked about these things so many times, but I can’t just keep swallowing it down and telling myself you don’t mean it badly. And when we do things together in a group, we barely talk to each other anymore. Pretty much everything happening in my life right now, you don’t really notice, and I guess it’s the same the other way around. That just doesn’t feel like friendship to me—I imagine something different.* My response: *Hey Voldemortina, I need to process this first... I have no idea how you think I should have responded more appropriately to your call about Sky. ((for context, My fiancé gave them both his Sky access and then it didn't work because my fiancé had given the access to someone else and no longer knew that you can only share it with a certain number of people. As a result, they both got kicked out and I couldn't really do anything when she called because my fiancé was at work and so I said I will tell him when he gets home.)) Regarding the gaming night—my boyfreind had already messaged that he’d be coming later, and I fell asleep because I was completely exhausted from work all week. That’s why we both arrived later. ((also for context, that gaming night was on a friday night Online, due to the pandemic. so they were at home and just had to wait a bit in front of their PCs. also there were 2 other friends playing with us, so they played some games, had a nice chat without us till we arrived)) In my current situation, I’m not doing anything with my boyfriend’s people either—I haven’t seen anyone in weeks. Before that, I did hang out with them more often because my boyfriend invites them and then asks if I want to join. ((Actually, I should have written "we all have to isolate ourselves right now, what do you want from me?")) About the vacation... of course, I’d love to go on a trip with you. And since you mentioned Sweden—yeah, I’d be up for that too. But Sweden is expensive. Sure, we can set it as a goal for next year and save up for it, but how well that works out can be seen with my nonexistent driver’s license. I’m not hesitating about things like that because of you, but purely because of the money—I never know what might come up for me or my parents. ((also context, even if I don't go into it in my answer, but Hamburg and Heidelberg were holidays/day trips I had planned with my boyfriend and we wanted to go there alone, some alone time together, it's as simple as that. When she mentioned that she also wanted to go to Hamburg, for example, we said we could plan that at some point, which we then did, but then Covid came and we couldn't go..)) The reason I haven’t reached out about making plans in the past few weeks is simply because of COVID. my boyfriend and I have both had repeated cases around us that we were in contact with. The risk was just too high to do anything. ((context, we both work in healthcare which was hell in the pandemic)) As for us not talking in the group anymore—from my side, it’s because you didn’t really respond to my last messages. I thought that sucked too… And of course, I noticed that something was off, but just two days ago—or whenever it was—you said everything was fine. ((I looked into what I meant by that. I asked about a few things that we could do together and she just didn't answer)) You know, I never want to hurt you in any way, because you really mean a lot to me, Voldemortina. And it hurts when you often say that you feel like you don’t matter to me. I also think it sucks that we don’t really know what’s going on in each other’s lives anymore… And honestly, I was also really disappointed that we never continued watching that series together. And I asked you many times. At that point I had the feeling that you didn't want to watch it with me anymore and then I stopped asking. I don’t have any other female friendships—or really any close friendships at all. Sure, I consider my boyfriend’s friends as friends, but none of them would ever hang out with me alone, let alone message me to ask how I’m doing. Sometimes, especially lately, I feel so alone that instead of reaching out, I just withdraw even more... I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but maybe I’m just incapable of having a real friendship.* okay there were some sassy, manipulating parts from me too :D But I really thought it was my fault, that I was the wrong person, even though I didn't know what I had done wrong (apart from distancing myself from people during a pandemic and getting a bit crazy because of it, which I think happened to a lot of people). I was really devastated and layed in bed all day having a existencial crisis because I didn't understand what I had done that was so bad that my only friend was attacking me over what I thought were trivial things. My now fiancé called her and told her that I wasn't feeling well at all I closed myself off so much that I didn't even want to talk to him anymore. He said to her that he didn't know what had happened between us but that we should sort it out asap. Then shortly after we spoke on the phone for 3 hours and got these incredibly important little things out of the way, I thought. Then, 1 1/2 years later, came the camping trip, I already mentioned that, where she was angry that I hadn't asked her twice if she wanted to come along and some other stuff. Even now I'm starting to doubt again whether I'm not the bad guy in the story after all....crazy right? She simply projected a lot of her own problems onto me and always found me to be the scapegoat when she couldn't cope with certain things. It's also obvious that she is extremely overly sensitive when it comes to the smallest, most normal things, but I always accepted and tolerated that with the thought "that's just how she is". Maybe she learned from me that she can be like that to people and that people let her be like that? She was also really competing with my fiancé, subtle so I never really noticed that. I think 2021 was the last time there was such an "argument". The next one was the one from my first post here. So it worked quite well for 3 years. When I thought about it more closely, I realized that during that time she had had similar arguments with other friends as she had with me...I don't know what brought about the change in me now that I have now broken away from her. Deep down I think I have wanted to do that for a long time but I couldn't. Maybe it took a deterioration in my health for me to realize again that I am stronger than I think and then be able to break away from it. "Ah! Our first German, I think! Guten tag und welcommen! :)" :D Moin Moin, freut mich sehr :) "Did you ever try cannabis/marijuana? I was told my condition was for-life and prescribed it (by the hospital registrar, no less!...I was so shocked, had NO IDEA they could do that!). It works for physical pain AND emotional! As long as you're self-disciplined and treat it as respectfully as you would the prescription meds so that you're always in control of IT, rather than the other way round, and save it for particularly painful periods, then I thoroughly recommend it, especially as you can get it without the THC these days via drops from healthfood stores and online. So have you tried the drops?" Like when I was 17-18, I started smoking weed for several years until I realized that it increased my chance of developing schizophrenia. So I stopped doing that completely. I tried CBD oil/drops for a while, but it didn't really help. It just made me a little tired. "It's better than UK's, though, isn't it? What about Spain's? (Let's be honest - they're ALL shit when one looks behind the bloody 'shopfront window'. Just varying levels." yes true, everything has its bad sides, doesn't it? I am of course glad that I live in a country with at least a pretty good health system, it could definitely be worse. "But that's where self-help, self-healing, comes in. I mean - what do you think people DID before pharmaceuticals? How's your diet? If you were to do a multi-pincer job - 'attack' your condition from all angles simultaneously - sky's the limit. (Cheaper than via your GP 'n all.) Well, anyway, now you've got rid of Narcichops, you'll have the time, energy and wherewithall to look into all of this. And your first stop, I reckon, should be reading the bestseller, 'The Body Keeps The Score'. Only logical and VERY eye-opening." Yes, that's true, it's really important that you do something yourself to feel better. I've started doing yoga, meditation and mindfulness exercises in the last few years. I've tried CBD and various herbal ointments. I really should still work on my diet :D I eat unhealthily. I also stopped smoking half a year ago and since then I've been eating a lot of sweet things and have also gained a bit of weight :D Luckily, I've always been on the slim side, so it's not necessarily a bad thing that I have a bit more weight on my hips. I spent hours reading up on the subject of scoliosis to be able to understand it all better. And maybe that's exactly it, I also knew a lot from my job (funnily enough, I work in a rehabilitation clinic in an orthopedic department), which made me even more desperate when all those doctors said I wouldn't get an MRI. I thought about a slipped disc relatively early on and also realized pretty early on that the interaction of stress, muscle tension and scoliosis were responsible for my problems. Of course I told them all of that, or rather I wanted to know if it could all be as I thought it was, after all I'm not a doctor... they probably really thought I was a hypochondriac or were annoyed that I was "diagnosing myself". I will look for that book you mentioned :) "Worth investigating, eh?" Maybe, but to be honest, that would be right now too stressful for me. Now I have a good doctor and can finally do everything I can, to hopefully get better soon. "I'm interested in absolutely everything....nosy as duck! LOL Yeah, I'll enjoy those cheers again! So does Fiance like them too?" yes, he likes them too. he was never as into it as I was, especially not in the story. so I made a powerpoint presentation about it :D now he's ready for the concerts and is really looking forward to them. "Yup. But she only ever PRETENDED to be into them - or remotely as into them as you. So ducking-out, leaving you high 'n dry and 'holding the baby', secretly was never any skin off her own nose." well, I was always more of a fangirl than her :D I just thought I'd ask her if she wanted to come along because she's listened to them now and then and we were at the concert together in 2016. Maybe that was exactly the problem. that I know them all and she doesn't and that's why she felt left out again. Now that I've realized all of this, if I'm right, then I really feel sorry for her. BUT that doesn't justify how she treated me.

Don't know what happened to that sentence there. I meant to say: This sentence in particular (and everything else too) made me so freaking angry today when I read it again, and it did back then too. But the stupid me from back then simply let some time pass so that I didn't respond angrily, in my mind i was like "fuck off" first but the i was like "she doesn't mean it, she's just sad and angry". And then i justified myself again even though I don't owe her any accountability. I also tried to answer as polite as possible and even apologised at the end..

Be with you asap:)

(Skip parts? Hhhhhhhhhhhh - wash your mouth out!) (;) Seriously, though...sit and think about that statement of yours because it's you, 'bending-over-backwards'. And not just that but, PRE-EMPTIVELY. Offering to, rather than waiting to allow the other person to ask (if they even need to). So, clearly it's a habit. It can also pose as a Green light to any Malig. Narc on the prowl (did you know that?). Where did this habit come from, then? Have a thinkipoos with a dwinkiepoos...) Anyhoo...Just want to keep the various two-legged issues separate for the time being. And then I'll continue tomorrow. First, Mum... This is what's stuck out most for me: "(sometimes I wish I wouldn´t have any contact anymore)." 1. For what reason(s)? 2. Why would you have to wish? Couldn't you DECIDE? Or 'meet yourself in the middle' and just do half the amount of hours and effort? Scratch Q1 - you've answered it with this: "So she has good and bad days, on bad days it's mainly the crazy talking, insulting and coercive behaviour that comes to the fore. But it stays within limits. On good days you can have a bit of a normal chat with her. But it's no longer possible to build up any real depth, neither in conversations nor in interpersonal relationships. So yes, my "real mother" has passed away, even though she is alive. " I expect the other reasons are because, unintentional yet uncontrollable or not - Emotional & Verbal Abuse is still Abuse, right? Plus, you've already dedicated enough of yourself and your life to her (and him); you need to be free to live your own life now. Is it time to call in the professional Carers yet? I imagine, however, that those perfectly natural thoughts and needs trigger "the guilts" every time, though - correct? "on the whole I'm coping well and I'm happy about every slightly better day when we have a good chat. " What, as a percentage, would you say, is the Dark To Light ratio of good days versus bad? And how rapidly has that shifted, recently? What you're going through is the long, drawn-out Goodbye that victims of Altzheimers go through. And by 'victim', I actually mean, the Nearest & Dearest, not the Alz. sufferer themselves! But Altzheimers (at that level) tends only to last up to 5 or so years, whereas - HOW LONG have you been your mother's Caregiver? Does your head in, though, doesn't it: Oh, today she's here!...Oh, but today she's "the monster"....here!...gone!...back again - oh wait, gone again!.... It's like being haunted, isn't it...despite the person isn't actually dead - or tantamount (full-time insane). Would you say her condition makes her act uncannily similar to a Narcissist? If you're unsure - let's check. You list all the offensive and hurtful behaviours and verbals you can think of for me.

(PS: I'm deliberately not reading ahead, just taking it portion-by-portion.) PPS: What did you mean by, 'but it (the abuse) stays within limits'?

...Actually, thinking about it: I don't know why I'm slowing down for you, considering - if you can output that amount of volume you can likewise take that much in. So I'm reading ahead a bit now (and - Voldamortina - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, LOVE IT!)... First-off... "When i think about it, because you mean ‘just pretending’... in telephone conversations in which i was ranting about work, for example, she often gave unsolicited advice instead of just listening and supporting me in my point of view (i wanted co-ranting, no life advice). She also often interrupted me mid-sentence when I was saying something because something was going on. For example, because she thought there was something floating in her coffee, which caused her to interrupt me and just be silent on the other line for a long time. Until I asked if she was still there. Then i tried to remember what i wanted to say, which usually ended with her having to end the call because she still had something to do "If you don't know what you wanted to say, I'd have to hang up anyway, I still have to do xy"." OMG, don't remind me! I had a (hah!) friend did this all the time. Not at-first, of course...they're always the perfect-perfect friend in the beginning. Or not. Can depend on circumstances...e.g., they could be perfect for you because at the time of meeting, up until even YEARS later, you're not their prey, someone else was and still is 'getting it', but, then, what can happen is, suddenly, during your 'relationship', the prey dumps them, meaning (because they HAVE TO have ONE, human, secret & exclusive 24/7 toilet to puke their toxins into), now YOU'RE plonked in that roll, without having a clue about it. Alternatively, there's the Benevolent Narcissist (who hides behind good deeds; 'happily', the mildest type; unhappily, therefore harder to dump): infrequent toxic behaviour,...would be just fine otherwise, 'god damnit!' - because Abuse is still Abuse, no matter how spaced-apart, which means, you HAVE to demote the relationship or dump them (nicely) altogether, whether or not it hurts big-time to do so, simply but vitally for the sake of your own physical and mental health...Plus there's the fact that infrequent actings-up hold their original shock factor, making the impact of the abuse worse....Short-term pain, long-term gain -v- short-term gain for long-term pain that just gets more and more painful. Talk about Sophie's Choice, eh! If only they were two pieces of Lego. But, so... it's like these types have Covid: "NO, SORRY, we CAN'T be friends. Your love literally makes me ill!", or, (Lord Alan Sugar voice) "Wiv regret - you're fired!"). (Tell me if my sentances are too long and jam-packed with too much information, won't you.) The diff between a communal narcissist and a genuine Giver, however, is this (as with all behavioural 'diagnosis'): The motive, aim, and intention behind any act. E.g. Altruist is happy to give anonymously, but the fake one does it for constant validation, status, bragging rights, all of that. I mean - don't get me wrong: who CARES WHY someone is do-gooding, as long as the thing gets done? But it's, the toxic narcissism that goes with it that's the immovable obstruction thus dealbreaker. (Also: is my English understandable for you?) Why don't you have a surf of this, and check her against it, to see. It'll make the grieving far-far-far easier if you can know precisely which type she is (including, how tenaciously a Hooverer she'll be) (which also all depends on how good a replacement toilet/slave her Fiance is). It's by Melanie Tonya Evans who's been an ex-victim-turned-expert for decades now: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-benevolent-narcissist-hides-behind-good-deeds/ (Wee extract: "A benevolent or altruistic narcissist is tricky to spot. They are not your typical narcissists because they are giving and caring and show every sign of loving you. They grant you attention, time, and effort. They’re very generous in that way, but when they turn on you, it’s just as devastating as with any narcissist. You’ll feel attacked, confused, shocked, devalued and discarded … sound familiar?") The reason why I suspect this as her type is because - the fact she even could be bothered TO suggest advice and a solution(!) before rudely 'pushing you out of the way' to hog the microphone like they do. Saying that, she did still get bored (...Heh-heh, which is why I suspect you (maybe even only subconsciously) gave me this, in your opinion 'really long post' and 'offered' to let me skip bits out: Testie-Outie much(ie), anyone?, haha! Sneakayyyy...but I like it. :D 's the only intelligent thing to do after having experienced a right b*tch-cow-and other expletives. So, no worries...plus, I can manage to read actual, whole BOOKS, doncha know! :D Plus, anyway - given the time to, I'm the Champion "Going On & On" merchant round here, haha, so it'll take lengthier than that to faze me. ;) ....You're a bit incredibly brainy, you, aren't you.) Anyhoo... see what you think of all of that and reply whenever you're ready. Your probably stuck fast in processing at the rate of Light Years at the moment, I imagine....all these 'innocent' memories that suddenly pop into your head and appear far less innocent, etc. Haaaah....fun, isn't it (giant Not).

PS: I vote we shorten her to 'V' - not only because it then doubles as 'vile', but because, otherwise, we might accidentally summon her. :D

oh yes, I'll need some time :D I understand everything, but I always run it also through a translator to make sure I really don't misunderstand, so no worries :) I´m perfectly fine with "V" :) I don't think we need to be afraid of the summoning either way, as long as none of us writes her name three times in a row. :D "Seriously, though...sit and think about that statement of yours because it's you, 'bending-over-backwards'. And not just that but, PRE-EMPTIVELY. Offering to, rather than waiting to allow the other person to ask (if they even need to). So, clearly it's a habit. It can also pose as a Green light to any Malig. Narc on the prowl (did you know that?)." "Saying that, she did still get bored (...Heh-heh, which is why I suspect you (maybe even only subconsciously) gave me this, in your opinion 'really long post' and 'offered' to let me skip bits out: Testie-Outie much(ie), anyone?, haha! Sneakayyyy...but I like it. :D 's the only intelligent thing to do after having experienced a right b*tch-cow-and other expletives. So, no worries...plus, I can manage to read actual, whole BOOKS, doncha know! :D Plus, anyway - given the time to, I'm the Champion "Going On & On" merchant round here, haha, so it'll take lengthier than that to faze me. ;)" to both....i just say: jup, I got it :D...I learned to pack the eggshells in cotton wool.. so.. I will write the next long response asap :D

Oh, PS: Bet you any money you like, she is NOT engaged. It won't have been consensual, just forced (they can nag and minimise, as well as emotionally manipulate, like no other, until you 'make the Hell stop' by agreeing (or cough-apologising) innit). (Google something like, "Narcissist wears you down".) This explains why her Fiance STRANGELY *WASN'T* too chuffed and excited (like a man whose own idea it was too) to keep it to himself for aaaaaall that time and (by what you infer) opportunities to. It also explains why we're supposed to believe that she couldn't have texted you in such a way as would have stopped you in your tracks and even chasing HER to know what the incredible news was! Hyuh - RIGHT. :p.... poor little Violet Elizabeth doesn't know how to type something like: CALL ME, CALL ME, CALL ME - I KNOW YOU'RE BUSY (it'll only take 10 mins) BUT THIS YOU NEED TO KNOW AND WOULD INSIST ON KNOWING! ('The name's Evil-Gump....Forrestina Evil-Gump... Licensed to Carboxyl....') It'll have been contrived. She'll have sold it to him as 'nothing to worry about'. That and the constant repetition would have done it. For example: Narc: "Well, I know it's too early to get OFFICIALLY engaged, but, we do love each other as MUCH as two Fiances, don't we.... So can we just BETWEEN US get "engaged"...like, engaged *in our hearts*? Victim BF: "(sigh...) Oh, okay, then, I spose that'd be alright." And then when he's had time to get used to that - in creeps (drip-drip-drip) the further suggestions of actually buying each other engagements rings! Ones they'll only wear 'in'...again, they're little secret... And then - ditto...in follows this: "I think BFF suspects already...can probably tell, she's known me that long...so can I tell her? I mean, I know we're not telling other people, but, I've been thinking...she is SORT-OF my sister so...if she ever found out I never told her something that big (note contradiction to prior minimising), she might never speak to me again!...so - just HER...please-please-please-please???? (batting lashes...or unzipping his trousers - whichever). (The females are like sodding Marta Hari.) PS: joke for you: Narc-victim-survivor: Based on my past experiences, I've written a stageplay about a female narcissistic Opera singer! Friend: Oh yes? What have you called it? Victim-survivor: "Mee-mee-mee..."!

Oh - that was a Crossover! "as long as none of us writes her name three times in a row. :D" Er..... whaddayamean, thrice-in-a-row? Because, if you just mean thrice in one post - or entire thread - then,....uh-oh! Although, more likely Uh-oh for her, let's be honest. "to both....i just say: jup, I got it :D...I learned to pack the eggshells in cotton wool.." And bubble-wrap. :D (It's more annoying for them, whilst more fun for you, then.)

PPS: Yeah, you take all the time you need, missus!

...I, personally, haven't finished, though. I read as far as "This was my response: *I made you wait a day because maybe I was also hurt that you called me antisocial. I didn’t think it was that dramatic, and I actually really would have liked to come. The reason I didn’t explain earlier was just a reaction to your "no excuse counts" comment. " ...which I'll no doubt do in little bite-sized pieces as I here and there find a window. Or all in one go. Dunno....I like to surprise myself as much as everyone else, haha. Night!

PPPS: As some more R&R and wee brain-break - Have you read the thread that's currently your next-door-neighbour on the main board? If you fancy some 'what the serious cluck?!', check it out.... and then, if/when you've time, tell me what you think ...aaaand perhaps suspect? Regardless of anything else, however, it's just EFFING WEIRD! I've been picturing it and - EW!....WHAT?!.....BUT - EWWWWW!.....BUT - WHAT?! That's a flippin' First, that is!

Tsk, forgot the link! https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13871/classmate-sticks-her-tongue-out-rubs-her-tongue-and-licks-lid Just - WHAT?!?!?! (and - "MA-TROOOOON?!...DOC-TOR!?!") Nnnnever seen anything like it! - and I hope I never do.

Oh wait - meant to add: 'Conversational Narcissism': (Note this CAN be present without full-blown Narcissism ("NPD") - quite possibly, when 'merely' down to having this as well as many other 'Narc Fleas' that have yet to be noticed and plucked off. And not all Narcs are constant interrupters - because of TIMING. E.g., they might be in a 'narc relationship' phase of forward-machinating (revenge or whatever) - the Devalue - so are now seamlessly (because they're having to super-rush) moving from listening-out in order to mirror amd impress, to listening-out for data on what and where will *hurt* most - and with one strike (they're lazy). So it's truer to say, they can either be *astoundingly* (Pink Flag!) good listeners or astoundingly (Red Flag!) bad - either/or. PS: remember that this has to be a Pervasive Pattern, not a one-off, and without any discernible mitigation, like, an extenuating circumstance.) Giving unsolicited advice (tick!) (Now, bear in mind that where friends know each other well, and have no resentments (usually irrational and hypocritical in a Narc), this is rarely objected to. Because, usually, AFTER the solution comes the much-needed 'girlie' venting. But there's the difference, you see. Yours wasn't doing it that way round in order to intelligently put you out of your misery as a first priority. Her aim was to "throw crumbs" (google, prefixed, Narcissist) as fast as possible in order to just shut you up asap. The failure to offer or allow post-analysis catharcism (a no-brainer for women friends) says so.) (She ain't a woman anyway...have to be a fully-fledged, civilised (humanized!) human for that; they're omnisexual and, just whatever 'emotional gender' works best on their particular victim. They're known for 'shagging anything if it'll get them something/somewhere'....or lengthily promising to ('dangling the carrot' - scuse pun). If she'd been reading you a bedtime story, it would have gone like this: Once upon a time...Princess...Prince...-marry-shag-babies - The End. Narcs do NOT DO Taking Care of other humans (or ANY living thing!...unless it serves THEM/for manipulation purposes.)) Constantly interrupting (tick!) Unempathetic Listening (tick!) Hoarding Conversation Time (tick!) One-sided Conversations (tick!) Features one-up-manship (competitor only...don't know how to BE/FEEL anyone's friend) Manipulating the Conversation Slipping-in criticisms (deliberately about things neither you or any human could change no matter how hard you tried!) Being Pedantic in order to miss the point and frustrate you ("And then he slap me!" / "....'slapped'"...which is fine to say if that's not ALL they say! (So, was she this too?) Eating noisy stuff, noisily whilst you're talking/sobbing (e.g. crisps). Slipping-in boasting and self-praising. Similarly, fishing for compliments (self-grandiosity - needing constant admiration). Controlling the topic and narrative. Failing to ask follow-up questions as you go (such as, 'Was it fun?...what was this/that bit like?). Instead, using "fillers" - e.g. just a measly, unhelpful, "Mmms" and empty "Uh-huhs" or "Oh yeahs?". (That would be when I'd switch to suddenly saying, 'And then, after landing on my lawn, the aliens got out of their spaceship and came into the house through the cat-flap', just to see if they'd notice and how long it took, to catch them out (- interestingly, usually it was the words 'cat-flap' that caught their attention, at which point, having got their attention ("What's that, what?!!"), I'd just go schtum mid-word so they thought the line had cut, or say 'precisely, you rude beep', click-brrr....and then permanently run or shuffle away (sometimes, not before making them my research guinneapig first, lol). Turning the conversation back to THEM all the time (so they can yet again tell you another anecdote they've already told you a hundred times over, despite you've pointed that fact out to them multiply(!). (Aside: Note in her interrupting, how she now has 'progressed' to *forcibly and non-consensually using and exploiting* her "Beloved Fiance" as if the poor guy's merely some kind of human tin-opener? This is her, testing-out his insistence for good manners and assert-ability, to see how much farther push-able than before he is. ....poor guy. That's a form of intellectual rape, that is. You, meanwhile, are supposed to start COMPETING with him for her attention. Google 'Best friend Triangulating me with fiance' or some such.) Terrible listeners (tick! - the coffee incident as a prime example). You can often hear that they're texting someone else as you're (trying) speaking. And they DO KNOW you can hear it!....but if you pick them up, they go, 'Oh, sorry, it's just my mum was urgently asking X' or some other fake excuse, to which any objection on your part would render you an unfeeling COW...and nobody wants to be that, now, do they. (Me, I don't mind at all because I remember, I'M NOT...I'm being a cow BACK. Diff/aaaaall the diff. And I ensure that BadMannersville, TasteOfOwnMedicineshire, is just a flying visit; I would NEVER set up camp there!...which is just being sensible, akin to donning a gas-mask.) Aaanyhoo - that'll do. Interested to see what you tick or confirm-tick. Again, though - I'm just leaving all of this for you for when you're ready, willing and able, just whilst I have the spare time and opportunity to. (Tomorrow and possibly Thurs is probably going to be too busy.) No rush, no pressure. (Genuine) Night!

Missed my window (well, had it stolen, actually) so I'm bumping you up with Balance. Thanks for bearing with me. :)

So, I will reply for the Mother thing first: "Anyhoo...Just want to keep the various two-legged issues separate for the time being. And then I'll continue tomorrow. First, Mum... This is what's stuck out most for me: "(sometimes I wish I wouldn´t have any contact anymore)." 1. For what reason(s)? 2. Why would you have to wish? Couldn't you DECIDE? Or 'meet yourself in the middle' and just do half the amount of hours and effort? Scratch Q1 - you've answered it with this: "So she has good and bad days, on bad days it's mainly the crazy talking, insulting and coercive behaviour that comes to the fore. But it stays within limits. On good days you can have a bit of a normal chat with her. But it's no longer possible to build up any real depth, neither in conversations nor in interpersonal relationships. So yes, my "real mother" has passed away, even though she is alive. " I expect the other reasons are because, unintentional yet uncontrollable or not - Emotional & Verbal Abuse is still Abuse, right? Plus, you've already dedicated enough of yourself and your life to her (and him); you need to be free to live your own life now. Is it time to call in the professional Carers yet? I imagine, however, that those perfectly natural thoughts and needs trigger "the guilts" every time, though - correct?" So, yes its this what i said that gets me on an emotional level but its also this: I do the best i can since ever and thats the least. I don't remember when the floor was last really deep cleaned for example. When I was still living with them it was a bit easier to take care of things but also there it was a mess and I just did what I could (also the emotional part was harder, cause I had to deal with my mom on a daily basis.) I could decide to just not help them anymore, but I can't do that. It's against every moral I have. Why do you not hire a professional carer for them? Well, My father refuses help from "outside". I had more than one discussion with him about that. Even my fiance and also his doctor tried, but he's to stubborn. He says he can still do things like cooking and cleaning (you can't imagine how dirty it is everywhere) and he doesn't need help. He simply don't let them in, when I tried without his consent. I know that he is deeply ashamed that the house is a mess and that he himself can't do much anymore. When I said that I need help he kind of understood and almost agreed the last time we spoke about it. And to be honest I'm totally overwhelmed, I don't know what I could say or do that he agrees on it. And I'm also tired of having to be the person who has to sort everything out. I don't want that responsibility. He's still able to call somewhere and just get information, for example, but it all falls on me (even to call his doctor for new receipts for his or my mum's medication). So I'm doing the least. Just as much that they have something to eat and something to wear and of course medical stuff. My fiance and I both don't have a drivers license. We just never could afford it. so this makes things also tough. We have a E-Bike with bike trailer, with which we do the grocery shopping once or twice a week, that makes it a bit easier than in the past where I did that with a normal bike or by foot/public transport. Now with my back troubles my fiancè does this part. My father don't wants this elderly food delivery and we live in a small city so there is also no online service of any groceriestore. Some stuff he gets from Amazon, though. So I'm currently talking to my fiancé about what I can do, what he can do, and what we should just leave alone because neither of us has the strength. Since my father got that chronic wounds I've never been able to go on vacation for longer than a week. Because the wound dressing has to be changed regularly, at the latest after 3 days. So we sometimes manage with his doctor that he does the bandage change once so we can stay somewhere for at least a week (he is the only person besides us who can step a foot in this house). Of course I feel sometimes like I'm the worst daughter of all time even though I know I already do my best and that this shouldn't be my fight entirely. I'm an only child, my aunt and uncle and cousins where when i was little really close then something happened, I still don't know what it was and from one day to another they canceled every contact and when the sickness of my mother first showed the rest of my family left us on our own (I also can imagine that my father refused any help here too). "on the whole I'm coping well and I'm happy about every slightly better day when we have a good chat. " What, as a percentage, would you say, is the Dark To Light ratio of good days versus bad? And how rapidly has that shifted, recently? What you're going through is the long, drawn-out Goodbye that victims of Altzheimers go through. And by 'victim', I actually mean, the Nearest & Dearest, not the Alz. sufferer themselves! But Altzheimers (at that level) tends only to last up to 5 or so years, whereas - HOW LONG have you been your mother's Caregiver? Does your head in, though, doesn't it: Oh, today she's here!...Oh, but today she's "the monster"....here!...gone!...back again - oh wait, gone again!.... It's like being haunted, isn't it...despite the person isn't actually dead - or tantamount (full-time insane). Would you say her condition makes her act uncannily similar to a Narcissist? If you're unsure - let's check. You list all the offensive and hurtful behaviours and verbals you can think of for me. It's 50/50 and not at all like anything narcissistic - she is sick, not calculating, not even subconsciously.. But yeah, you really never know what you get. Sometimes she's friendly at the beginning and suddenly it turns into bad. She has a lot of trigger wich start the nonsense talking. So to paint you a clearer picture this is how it goes on a good-then bad or bad day: I say Hello when I arrive this is the first indicator that Shows me if it's a good or a bad day. Bad day: nonsense talking to me saying hello, something like "Oh god, what does this whore want here again? Eeek. Leave me alone!!" or something like that "everyone ran away, so! we have no sun cream! i'll report you to the police, you wanker! Even if it rains, so!" Then most of the time follows more nonsense talking or some stuff like "name of family member - burned, name of another family member - burned, name of another family member - burned.." which she illustrates with the gesture/compulsive action by pantomiming the act of lighting a lighter and this goes on for several minutes (sometimes she gestures/ makes a complusive action like shes stabbing with a knife also her words change then). Then sometimes she clears up a little and notice that im there but the visuals are most of the time heavy so she comes closer to me (to look me in the face) and says for example something like "Have you looked in the mirror today? You have those ugly red eyes again.uuuhhgghh. are you okay?" Most of the time, she doesn't see me, but someone/something else. It could be someone from my family or former circle of acquaintances. But I've also been German politicians or celebrities. Rarely she really attacks my person. Then I know, I don't really talk to her this day cause really everything is a trigger and this will start all over again :D.... On good days that turn to bad ones, she's friendly at first, talks normal but gets triggert by something I or my dad says (there is no special thing this happens really random) then she starts talking nonsense etc. or sometimes she suddenly gets really worried and asks me things like ‘did i sit on you tonight? It felt like I was sitting on you and you were calling for help. does something hurt you? did someone stab you? I was stabbed in the night.... did you feel that? Are you okay?’ By ‘it stays within limits" I meant ‘it's not as bad as it used to be’, i.e. when she starts talking or acting out, it no longer lasts all day. She used to talk sometimes day and night, literally 24/7, until she was hoarse. Sometimes I had to put on headphones with music to go to sleep because she would walk up and down the corridor where my room was and talk nonsense all night long. She also threw things away, like the water filter, because she thought the water was poisoned. I regularly checked the rubbish bin and other places where she had put things. Before one stay in the psychiatric ward, for example, she stabbed a stool belonging to the couch with a pair of scissors. That sounds intense, but she was never a danger to others. She was admitted again once because she no longer wanted to eat and drink (she thought it was poisoned) and was therefore a danger to herself. And of course those are only a few things that happened. So for me, it's not ‘abuse’ in the classic sense, but psychological terror. when I moved out, I realised how extreme it all was. the peace and quiet was indescribably beautiful. that's why I try to leave quickly when she has a bad day... i can't take it anymore, even if it's not as bad as it used to be. On good days, we talk completely normally—I tell her about my work, she tells me what she’s watched on TV, we talk about the weather or some celebrity drama (she’s always more informed about that than I am), or she shows me the new clothes she ordered (she always wants to give me one, no matter if it’s my size or not :D). Those are the days when she hugs me and tells me that she loves her “little daughter”... those are the moments when she feels kinda like my mother again.

Wee extract: "A benevolent or altruistic narcissist is tricky to spot. They are not your typical narcissists because they are giving and caring and show every sign of loving you. They grant you attention, time, and effort. They’re very generous in that way, but when they turn on you, it’s just as devastating as with any narcissist. You’ll feel attacked, confused, shocked, devalued and discarded … sound familiar?") uff, yes. ...could be it...that screams: ITS HER! And I did some reading, even googled for other examples of how something like this could manifest itself....and what should I say...there were numerous things that applied to her. "Bet you any money you like, she is NOT engaged. It won't have been consensual, just forced (they can nag and minimise, as well as emotionally manipulate, like no other, until you 'make the Hell stop' by agreeing (or cough-apologising) innit). (Google something like, "Narcissist wears you down".) This explains why her Fiance STRANGELY *WASN'T* too chuffed and excited (like a man whose own idea it was too) to keep it to himself for aaaaaall that time and (by what you infer) opportunities to." Well, I do think they’re really engaged. I believe he proposed to her during their trip to Norway (I mean, it doesn’t get much more romantic than a glass cabin where you can watch the northern lights). But I also think that, to some extent, he might have been manipulated or pressured into it. I’m pretty sure she must have gone on and on about how terrible my proposal was and how awful it was that we expected her to be happy for us. She 1000% painted everything in the worst possible light, saying she would *never* want a proposal like that and that he should “put in more effort” than my fiancé did. I bet he stored that information in his head as: “Don’t tell anyone what I’m planning, because it’s absolutely *horrible* to ask for help from someone V likes, and she doesn’t want any fuss about it.” And I’m sure she also made him feel guilty about the fact that we got engaged before them, even though we haven’t been together as long as they have. **For context, here’s a short summary of the whole drama surrounding my engagement:** After I had told V about five times that my fiancé was *a little* disappointed that the other friend wasn’t there (the one she *could* have brought along), but that we weren’t mad at anyone and still thought the moment was amazing—blah blah—V kept bringing up Reddit. (I don’t know if you’re familiar with it, but if not, it’s a massive online forum with countless subforums on pretty much any topic you can think of.) There’s a subreddit where people ask if they’re the asshole in a particular situation. She kept mentioning how funny she found the posts there and that she liked checking in every now and then. **Two months after my engagement, I thought to myself one evening:** “Hm... weird that she kept *so specifically* pointing me towards that subreddit... Maybe I should check if there’s something about my engagement, since she still brings it up.” And guess what I found? Yep. A post about my engagement. In it, she wrote that my fiancé didn’t manage to do anything properly, that she was the one who picked the location and planned it all and so on. And then, as if that wasn’t enough, she claimed that the ‘acquaintance’ (aka the friend she wanted to bring) had the *audacity* to say, *“I appeal to you, it’s about them,”* when V didn’t want to bring her along because she refused to meet her halfway. Of course, I asked my friend, my fiancé, and the other friend who was there, what was actually true about that post. And—surprise, surprise—it was all blown way out of proportion, as always. Some stuff were just lies anyway. She even actively commented on the responses from people in that thread, including saying that I wasn’t the type to argue but that the situation was *just the tip of the iceberg* and that she had been considering cutting contact with me for a long time. After finding all of this, my fiancé and I decided *not* to bring it up (don’t ask me why… I don’t know either). Then there was actually a longer period where we didn’t talk (I think around two months), but then she reached out again, and I let her back into my life. For a little time, this whole situation also kept me from posting here—I didn’t want to be like her. (Which, I’m not. You can’t even compare it.) So yeah, there are some ticks i wanna set in this whole thing too....and in everything you mentioned as well. I also think this "I'm not going to tell her I'm engaged over the phone. If I do, she'll have to make an effort, like I did with her back then" story stems from this very situation. She was hoping I'd find this Reddit post and make a fuss about it so she could ruin everything for me because, in her opinion, I/we didn't appreciate enough what she "did for us." And since that didn't work out, the "I won't tell her, only in person" story was the "revenge" story. Does that make sense? :D

"(PPPS: As some more R&R and wee brain-break - Have you read the thread that's currently your next-door-neighbour on the main board? If you fancy some 'what the serious cluck?!', check it out.... and then, if/when you've time, tell me what you think ...aaaand perhaps suspect? Regardless of anything else, however, it's just EFFING WEIRD! I've been picturing it and - EW!....WHAT?!.....BUT - EWWWWW!.....BUT - WHAT?! That's a flippin' First, that is!" I read it too and just thought, "What the fuck?" :D The descriptions really planted some vivid images in my head that I absolutely did not want to see :D but oh well, I wouldn’t even know what to say to that except the obvious: "Don´t know maybe just look away?!" :D That's it from me for today, now it's your turn. I'm curious to hear everything you have to say :) Take your time :)

PS: Oh, so she made it out of her (alleged) Depression. Rah-rah for her....SHE AIN'T (thus far) LIFELONG ILL ON TOP, THOUGH, IS SHE! If there'd been nothing as wrong as all that but you were seeing her less - THEN she'd have a case! Anyway, matters not what you did or didn't do 'wrong'. The point is: she deals with it like a Narcissist. For starters, good friends, the minute they clash by text, RING ONE ANOTHER! (Jeez...) And there's her spouting about how you don't put in the effort? Whaddafeckingliberty! Anyway, I'll see what you've put now before I continue picking apart the second half of your last-but-one post...

PS: "So for me, it's not ‘abuse’ in the classic sense, but psychological terror." The impact and effect still works as Abuse. Someone stabs you in the big-toe, accidentally, rather than deliberately. Still agony, right? This is about your health. Staying away from toxicity from now on (onwards and upwards and all that, even if you do take her back but under renegotiated, concreted, terms & conditions).

Nope, it's no good...It needs picking apart because a part of you is still viewing her through the Normal Person lens. (Plus, she's annoying!) First-off: when our best friend gets engaged, we have to do what has got our species this far and high: ADAPT. She now goes in the queue behind Fiance. S'not your rules, it's just the rules. So clearly she has trouble .....CHANGING (tick!). My comments in double brackets when inside/around the text sentances... "So the message from Voldemortina ((- sounds like a type of mould haha)) said: --------------------------------- *Hi CreativeNick, I just need to get something off my chest. ((Narc-characteristic Tick! for not asking for live for something so allegedly important; they LOVE their shield called Mobile Phone.)). You've been acting really strangely lately. ((Should be, You SEEM to have been. (Tick! for her deciding how you are/feel, without even asking you!...you ain't both teenagers).) I didn't say anything the other time with another friend when you "didn't have time until 6pm" and then cancelled "because you didn't have time". ((HUH? CLARIFY PLEASE? Unless you've gone on to do it below.)) Afterwards I found out that you were skipping work ((SKIPPING? - how insulting! Tick! Projecting, too, re what she's like so what SHE'D be up to - Tick!)) anyway...just like now on Wednesday, you can't come until 5pm and then you just cancelled and today I found out you're on holiday for the whole week. ((DITTO?)) Sorry but that's really antisocial and there's no excuse. ((It's unsociable, maybe (or would be IF), but hardly antisocial so - Tick! How the eff does SHE know there's no excuse?? - Tick!)) ((Every single sentance so far, look. She ain't doing very well, is she.)) I'm just writing to tell you that I'm not stupid ((Who said she was? OTT Emotional Blackmail alert - Tick!)) ((I tend to say: insult yerself, darlin, you ain't getting any help from me!)) and I'm not going to let myself be fooled like that anymore. ((Jeez...hung, drawn & quartered and not even a Jury, look! Tick!)) I really don't mean it in a bad way but I wanted to come clean." (HAH!! Doncha? Coulda fooled us!?) (- Am talking to her, btw.) How can that not be meant in a bad way?...." Precisely. All it should have said was - "Hey, mate, I really need to talk to you, please can we have a phone conversation tonight/tomorrow?". PS: I've just straightened-out a handful of your meddled-with neurons, haha...10p please. "My message to her (one day later): ---------------------------------- Good, sensible pause, noted. If you're GOING to, I mean. *I still don't know what to say about it... I don't want to fool anyone or make them look stupid. Things can come up on vacation too, it wasn't my fault. I had my reasons for not going to work on the spur of the moment and it wasn't because I just didn't feel like going to work. I still had a lot to do that day, that was just the way it was. But it doesn't matter now, my "excuses" don't work anyway. ((Touche! - well done.)) I'm sorry if you felt like you were being fooled, that was definitely not my intention.* Dumb me, saying sorry for things I dont have to say sorry for. oh god how bad.. I cancelled meetings twice within a short period of time because I just couldn't make it. And i didn´t say why i can´t make it... I am the worst person in the world, aren´t I? :D Well, SHE thinks so (or wants us to think she does)! Her approach, aside from all the ticks, is petulant, resentful and a case of shooting first, asking questions afterwards-(nnooot!). Next time, just - 'Fooling you or anyone is never my intention'. Feel the difference? Why the eff should you defend yourself of something you haven't done, let alone apologise for it? You can be sympathetic, as in, "Heyy, where's all this silly nonsense coming from?", but don't kow-tow like that. Not that you were to know, but, if there's a next time. We live and learn, eh. Her response: ------------- *mhh... I don't know, I'm really hurt and disappointed." The way she puts that....soo superior and judgmental. What was wrong with - 'Then why do I feel so neglected?' Or - this point, surely, was when it was time to say - Can we switch this to the phone, please? I think that'd be more reassuring?)) "It's not about something coming up. We agreed on it on Wednesday a week before and then asked again the day before. So apart from a bad car accident, I can't think of anything else that could come up on a vacation day." "And the most important thing about it is that it's your business why you can't go, but that you don't even give the reasons for cancellations at such short notice or in general. It's a complete secret. I thought you were a close friend of mine so that I would at least find out the reason. But I'm not even doing that now. In all honesty, CreativeNick, I write to you saying I felt like I was being made fun of and you make me wait a day?" "MAKE her", look. Compare: 'Leave me waiting for a day?'. Subtle diff but - can you see it and how actually chasmic it is in terms of the things it gives away about her and her attitude? "And then you say "I had my reasons" you've become so different. And I just think it's a shame about the friendship, but apparently it only exists on one side, I'm starting to get the feeling. I really feel like a bitch who doesn't understand that the guy doesn't want anything from her.* BASICALLY, this woman can't handle the CONSEQUENCES of her long run of actions. She wants carte blanche to treat you shoddily and get away with it (swat Narx do). The fact of having KICKED THE LOVE (AND then the Like) OUT OF YOU! The fact you can't face her (I know that feeling!), to keep her completely informed, even when by-rights you should (and by inference, clearly would normally)...just...."CAN'T"...can't bring yourself. (Natural response to a predator btw.... that, 'it's last day of summer hols and I haven't done my homework' feeling, but worse. More than dread - paralysis.) "Excuuuuuseee meeeee whaaaaat the *uuuuuck!!! "Well, apart from a bad car accident, I can't think of anything else that could happen on a vacation day"....This sentence in particular (and everything else too) made me so freaking angry today when I read it again, and it did back then too. But the stupid me from back then simply let some time pass so that I didn't respond angrily, in my mind i was like ". And then i justified myself again even though I don't owe her any accountability. I also tried to answer as polite as possible and even apologised at the end.." Haha - yeah! Who died and made HER Lady Mayor in-charge of what's normal or not? - "*I* say that only THIS would be acceptable course of action to take towards Royal Us! (Me, I'd have been tempted at that point to have come back with: 'Well, now that you mention it - one of my legs DID drop off in the night... Does that count?'). "This was my response:" Uh-oh, haha. "*I made you wait a day because maybe I was also hurt that you called me antisocial." 'No WAAAY!' / 'WAYYYYY!" (...It's so nice of you to sponsor a retarded mental patient...Take her on nice walks, do you? PMSL) OMG...I'm snort-laughing right now. There's deiberately Obtuse and then there's that. (Playing Dumb Tick!) You see? They can do NOTHING! WRONG!....even when they SO JUST BEEPING HAVE!...RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! (Cuckoo-cuckoo-cuckoo!) Nah- ...They do know, even if only deep down. Some, on the other hand, ARE actually aware...have harnessed their own sickness in order to make it work better for them. (After all, these Coverts can hold down a job just fine, note...funny THAT!) It's just, they use words and rational-SOUNDING argument as a haranguing, insulting/revenge and punishmentU/training tool....a Boot campaign of intimidation. Seriously - I'd have said: 'Unless you're going to end with ordering a pizza - this is not a conversation I'm prepared to have by piddly text. Ring me or tell me when to ring you, okay?' OR - 'I'm going through something, give me a couple of days and I'll ring you I repeat, you are far more polite than I. Save that for polite people in-future, yeh? Conserve your healing energy. (Can you see how she's been making you waste a lot of it? They like you to stay DOWN. Easier to psychologically enslave you.) "I didn’t think it was that dramatic," HHHHhhhhh?!?...DID YOU NOT?!.....WHAAAAAAT? (SWOONS....SIRENS...Crystal Carrington... haha). Sorry, but, she deserves to have the pee taken. Oh - and - Tick!...they bloody love pointless drama, they do...it's a great smoke-screen, you see - this case, her trying to TAME AND TRAIN YOU to always please Her Royal Travesty and eff the rules and reality (and your fiance - and you). She comes first, second and third, and reality and human pairbonding nature can just bog off! "and I actually really would have liked to come. The reason I didn’t explain earlier was just a reaction to your "no excuse counts" comment." (Put simply: Then you shouldn't have been a COW to me yesterday, should ya!) God, this SO reminds me... The sky is NOT Blue, it is Porange with Pinky-Green Spots! (/ 'Yeezzzz, that's right Dear, yezzzz....("MATRON?!")'.) "The reason was that I had to go grocery shopping for my parents, and I couldn’t postpone it. When I was at their place, I ended up in a long discussion with my dad. I originally wanted to go on Thursday because I had to go to the doctor for his medication anyway, but then my dad called me just before I texted that I’d be late, telling me they had nothing left because they had eaten everything already." Wakey-wakey! It's none of her ucking business because she's just treated you incredibly shoddily! Not until she apologised (and meant it by never repeating it!). You do NOT have to speak to someone who treats you like that. Next time: Sorry, thanks to that message of yours, I don't want to speak to you yet. And then shut down all comms. HEALTHY, REASONABLE, RATIONAL, JUSTIFIED Silent Treatment (to avoid further injury). "The days before, I had spent with my Boyfriend because of our anniversary. We had actually planned two weeks of vacation, but in the end, we only had three days off together, so we used those for day trips. ((sidenote: i dont really remember why only 3 days, I think he had to step in at work because someone got sick.))" You selfish barstools! Shoulda taken her WITH ya! (joke) (obvs) Interesting she didn't remember it was your anni, eh.......EH. Mee-me-mee-me-mee-me-meee-MEEEEEE! / "Wheeeeeeee, KER-BOOM!....". You know the real why, don't you? She isn't in-love with her own so-called Fiance. He ain't that big a deal. Just a tool. See it now? Otherwise, why isn't SHE naturally less available? (That's a Gotcha....thank-you, fans...) "So, I left right after showering, got to my parents' place around 5:30 PM, and then the discussion with my dad started—mainly, as always, about my mom, etc. So, I wrote that I probably wouldn’t make it anymore and that it wouldn’t really be worth it. I could have left at 7 PM and would’ve only arrived in location shortly before 8 PM. And you had already said that you wouldn’t stay long." And even that is being generous about it! Oh, but who CARES if you're inconvenienced and knackered-out! The Queen of Farts has summoned you! (Bleugh.) (Not a narc my arse. Sure - Benign...but as you see, that doesn't count for much; you still end up constanatly wanting to push them down the stairs (joke, sadly, but we can always name her Slinky?).) "I wasn’t in a great mood, so I didn’t go into more detail." I'm just impressed you went THAT far! You're FAR more polite than I, Gunga Din! (...Gunga Hush, actually...until pushed too far.) Note, this irreplaceable quantum of energy, however, could have gone on mending some more of your bodily tissue, brain wiring and immune system? In fact, next time, when you read a text like that, just say this: 'Ugh' or 'WTF?'. (Or even - If you're GOING to behave like a Narc, you can Narc-Off until you've recovered yourself.) And nothing else. Her foul poo on your lino (which let's not forget, was a follow-up to the original one)? - She can do all the hard work, cleaning it up again! That's just normal. And what a normal person would expect. "Plus, I wouldn’t want to share all of this in the group chat anyway." It was a group chat as well??? OMG. "I also think it’s kind of sad that you reacted so strongly instead of just asking what was going on." THERE we go - you got it (- I hadn't read ahead, just spotted few phrases). ("Thlup!") "I know you can’t magically sense when I’m feeling like crap, and you did ask how I was doing, but I’m just not the kind of person who likes to talk about these things." Yeah. They have that effect, I find. "Lately, I haven’t been feeling great in general. I often feel completely unmotivated, kind of depressed somehow (that was also one of the reasons I didn’t go to work)." Yeah. They have THAT effect as well! (Did you know that?) "I get annoyed so quickly, I’m frustrated with work and my parents, and I often just feel sad for no real reason. Right now, I still manage to get up in the morning, but honestly, I’d rather just stay in bed. It’s not this bad every day, mostly when I’m alone." (Ditto, ditto, and ditto.) "I haven’t even told my Boyfriend about this..." HAHAHAHAHA - "...yet" (cocks gun). "So, I’m sorry for reacting so snappily. You are definitely an important friend to me.* Ah, that's really nice.... Too nice for her, but so what... We don't change for unreasonable, irrational, arrogant, over-entitled, spoilt-brat idiots, who only want to leave us no longer Us because they intend to take our personality and put it with their 'sewn-together' one (ref the body suit in Silence of The Lambs, just the psych version. To varying degrees per severity, obviously. Invasion of The Personality Snatchers.) PS: I see no snappiness btw. You sound perfectly matter-of-fact (, considering!!). "oh my, oh my ... i really wanted her to like me again... Do you see how I included a justification for not being able to do the grocery shopping on a different day in advance? I was expecting that Voldemortina wouldn't let me get away with it otherwise." Yup. But that's a NORMAL abnormal response to Abnormally Narcissistic Incoming. Seen it a thousand times. It's too our credit, in fact. (Right Qualities - Wrong Recipient). Imagine the state of the world if we intrinsically healthies didn't have the natural urge to fix? "And she made me tell her what was wrong with me, what I didn't want to share from the beginning and had never shared with anyone else, i also was really good at masking, as really no one noticed something was off with me. thats so fucked up, why did i do that?" Because - look at how she treats you and talks to you! "...And to be honest, I don't remember if we wanted to meet just the two of us or with others at both occasions...but since I mentioned the group chat, it can only mean that we wanted to meet in a larger group...which somehow makes the whole thing even more ridiculous." Yyyip. "Her response: --------------- Aww, gaawd "*I'm really sorry to hear that you're not doing well right now," RIGHT NOW. (Ach!) (Minimising/Denying - Tick!) ((Oy, Narcie - it's called "How are you - you've been very quiet - everything okay?". Swat genuine friends who feel CONCERNED, rather than paranoid, resentful and vindictive as if It's All About Them, at your going AWOL, do, duuuh?)) It's a good job you weren't dead, eh! ('B*tch hasn't called me for WEEKS...bet she's doing it deliberately!' :D) "and now I can understand it much better." ((Well, then, what a shame that in order for you to understand it better, you had to punch at and poo all over your alleged, perfectly nice best friend's HEAD, FIRST!)) What a price to (ostensibly) have to pay to get something through alleged-Forrestina's skull, eh? No wonder you're knackered. "Like you said, I can't just sense these things. I actually really wish you had told me. Then I could have also told you that I’m not doing well either." (('Never mind you - ME, ME, MEEEE again!')) Here, you wanna tell her you've heard Putin's got it in for her. Bet she'd believe you and book a place to Mars! But, back to seriousness: that's funny... She didn't earlier sound to me as though she thought she could be sensing the situation wrong and hostilely, or something - did she you? She sounded VERY certain of what was up. (She should make truck beeping noises if she's going to try to reverse that suddenly-rapidly.) ...Not a narc. ARE YOU PIGGING KIDDING ME? She's a CLASSIC! And I want to push her off a cliff already! So that tell me aaaalll I need to know. I'm like a walking Litmus paper or Barometer, I am (and BS-detector). "Maybe we could have supported each other—just sitting next to each other, watching a sad movie, and letting it all out. Maybe that's also why I reacted so strongly yesterday, simply because I’m not in a good place myself..." ((THAT DOES NOT JUSTIFY SHOOTING AND PUNCHING FIRST AND (not even!) ASKING QUESTIONS AFTER!)) SEE? She has still managed to get away with INJURING YOU! Seeing it? It's like you're a wooden fence. Enough fists through it and there becomes more holes than fence. And then it disintegrates. (You Are Here.) "You know, every time I talk to my boyfriend about you, I always say that you are a very special friend to me. Because I truly care about you, especially after our voluntary social year. And because you're the only person I know who understands what it's like when I say I don't really have a family and that I’m on my own." ((SORRY - WHAT, LUV? I'M A BIT BUSY JUST THIS MINUTE, TRYING TO STEM THE SPURTING ARTERY WHERE YOU JUST MULTIPLY STABBED ME - WITH YOU IN A TICK! (...hah - 'Tick' is right...but I've given up ticking now...the signs and symptoms are everywhere....she is positively RIDDLED!) Be honest. This is like a conversation with a spoiled, stroppy 12/13-year-old girl who has no appreciation of anyone or anything beyond her own wants and needs. And then pretends to backtrack and apologise, but - again, NOTE! - only once the punch-holes into your fence are safely insitu (ffffffunny that). (Me, I always say - Sorry tends NOT to do it in the first place.) AND, FYI, THAT'S *WHY* THEY OUTRAGEOUSLY OVERREACT! "That’s exactly why I make sure to get you gifts for your birthday, with a card, or come to your graduation, and so on. I don’t even get my best friend anything (it’s not about material things)." ((Wanna type that as a list, luv, labelled 'What about everything unremarkable that I've ever done for you (despite you've done loads more)'?)) PS: It's funny how so special you are to her yet still worth dangling unsafely over a cliff-edge, isn't it. (rolls eyes) Blah-blah-BLAH-blah-blah, blah, BLAH. (Yawn) "But just because, over the years, I’ve felt like we were a kind of family to each other. ((It was really nice that she was there at the graduation ceremony of my training, as my parents couldn't go and I would have been the only one there without family (of course my fiancé was there anyway) also nice thing with the gifts, now I must think I'm something special if she doesn't even give presents to her best friend..gosh)) HAHA, you're ahead of me! Yeah, clearly that was all a HUUUGE effort (Scooby Clue). Normal-healthy friend - your graduation - TAKEN AS READ that they'll be there. Because THEY would want to! It doesn't deserve a pigging medal! I think your healthy standards and stubborn sticking to them have over the years proven too much for her, in the faked efforts stakes, hence, now, starting to fight dirty. Agree? That text of hers was an Ambush, note. "But since you’ve been with your boyfriend, it really feels like we’re strangers." ((No, luv - since you've upped your cow-ness, PLUS, my having a fiance now-how-very-dare-I.)) (Don't mind me - I'm just putting words in your mouth, haha.) "I barely hear from you." ((Cos you're a COW.)) "And there have just been a few things that really hurt me and made me feel left out—things I already mentioned or, for example," ((Oh! So you're sorry but you're NOT sorry! Cos here you are, launching into it again. Got it,...right... ("Bed 2, Psychiatrist, Stat!")) "with your boyfriends birthday. And I know that none of it was intentional or meant in a bad way, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. ((Context: She mentioned my boyfriend's birthday party. He had invited a few friends but not Voldemortina and her boyfriend... of course she had expected to be invited too. I didn't think about it or interfere with who he invited, it's not my birthday and he can decide for himself who he invites and who he doesn't. she was shocked when se found out like three days in advance that there will be the party and of course i said "oh im so sorry, i forgot about you, you can come if you want")) (Cheers for the context. :) See how considerate and helpful you are? You do things properly. And that's how I know that not keeping Her Highness informed at every waking minute was unlike you - and why. You're a Bend-Over-Backwards-er and she's a Bend-You-Over-Backwards-er. And far further than is natural. I repeat: she's old enough to know that if you feel neglected, ASK your friend what's going on. Ain't Rocket Science. She's fullash*t. "Especially right now, I feel lonely as it is, like I don’t really have any friends…" ((Gosh, ya don't say! Life's a bleedin' mystery, ain't it, Violet Elizabeth?)) "So what happened with you on Wednesday was just the thing that pushed me over the edge." Ah! YOUR fault. Thought it might be. "I didn’t say that you were antisocial, but that it was an antisocial thing to do." ((F*ck-off. If you gave a shite, you'd stay well away from inflammatory words and phrases like that, given there are SO MANY others to choose from, ESPECIALLY as it wasn't even antisocial ANYWAY, you toddler-in-a-grown-up-suit!)) "I’m sorry for saying it so harshly, but at that moment, I really thought, Wow… she really doesn’t care at all about what I’m writing. Especially because I thought you were doing really well now, living with your boyfriend and all.((sure, all my problems just vanished when i moved out from my parents))" Yeah, yeah, excuses-excuses. ***PS: Red Flag/Giant Id-ing-in-one, Tick: ***I'm sorry but.*** Re-read it with 'but' omitted. Feel the diff (-ish, given what she is)? (PPS: Haha....Night Nurse on-legs...one lick before each bedtime!) (Let's nickname him Lourdes, hahahah!) "I definitely apologize for snapping at you," ((No, luv, I think you'll find I've just shown you definitely *don't*)) PS: FYI, whenever I 'shove' the OP (you) out of the way to talk/yell directly at them - that is the greatest indication that they not only are a Narc but are not quuuuite Benign enough. Sozzies. I know it's horrid and heartbreaking to realise but...happens LITERALLY to the best of us. "now that I understand the full context. But I’m still hurt—" ((Oh, are you hurt for a third time? - we didn't know that.)) "especially because last night, I ended up crying, thinking that you just didn’t care at all (since you didn’t reply).* ((Aww, p*ss oooooff)) Isn't that just so galling? The ONLY person whom had the right to be crying, was YOU! *******DARVO ALERT, DARVO ALERT! (Google "Martha Stout - The Pity Play"!, and realise she's worse than we thought!) (super-sozzies).******* News for you: You haven't even seen the full scope of her. Probably because she's had a right fight on her hands, just to get merely to Stage One Priming! HAHAHAH! Well done...seriously! You're pretty slime-proof, which is rare and EXCELLENT news! "Guess what I did after that message? That's right, I apologized and even said that I was the one who overreacted... because now I felt bad because she was not in a good place too and I made it worse..." Aim, Fire, Bullseye. Don't worry - everyone falls for it. Blame your healthy programming under Relating To Other Human Beings - just for not working on a slightly but deeply, interrelationally-insane and/or feral person. "so then I was the bad one," Haha, yeah, I've noticed. "most likely the depressed one who doesn't talk about it casually because that's what normal people with depression always do" ((Eff-off do they, you freak of Nature. Only Pity-Ployers like you do that. And a few rare brave people, granted...but we don't get all this rest of crap with it when that's the case.)) "... gosh I'm so angry...how could I not see that??" As you can tell - just READING her and I'm fuming! Good. You're NORMAL. She ain't. "Or maybe I did see that but still did everything I could to keep her or the illusion of a possible deep friendship, even if only in my head?" That one! It's natural to want to be SURE-sure-sure before giving something important up. Just normal. But Normal/functional gets made all wrong when trying to apply it to Dysfunctional. That's all, it's no biggie on your part. It's actually a huge credit to you. My final response: ----------------- (...and then a lie-down, LOL) *I'm sorry that I didn't reply to you right away… I overreacted. And I’m also sorry if I disappointed or hurt you. You’re really important to me, and I also see you as part of my family. What - they're as sneaky-slippery-hurtful-despotic as her, are they? "You’ve supported me through some really shitty times when no one else cared." It's called Normal Close Friendship Duties and Expectations - what of it? Oh, wait, I remember...'Ughf...such an effort for the poor dear, ugh'. Oh, boy, did she "manage down your expectations"! (- google, prefixed with Narcissist) "I didn’t tell you about this right away because I’ve had these phases before, and they usually sorted themselves out after a few weeks. And honestly, I’m just really bad at admitting these things openly…" ((Truthfully, luv, it's because you SMELL.)) "Especially when we did spend time together, it was mostly with the guys, so there wasn’t really a chance for the topic to come up. And even if there had been, I wouldn’t have talked about it in front of them anyway." This STILL shouldn't have been done by text. In future - DON'T EVER. Don't give them that advantage. Make them fight on YOUR ground (you'll find they won't...forget all about it or suddenly feel all better blah-blah). You, womansplaining like this - as if to a young child - is precisely what she was angling for (or one of the things). Sneaky Reassurance - in the form of making you go to huge effort - manipulated hurtfully out of you instead of JUST ASKED NICELY. Remember that. I mean - who wants to have to be put through the ringer every time, just because the other person cannot bear normal-level vulnerability in front of their supposed friend, whereby they can use their big girl words, which go - You've been very quiet - are we okay? It's exhausting! Life's too short and energy too limited and finite. "I also think it’s a shame that we haven’t seen each other as much lately. But that’s also because I’m pretty exhausted after work and don’t really feel like doing much. Things with Boyfriend are good, everything’s fine there. Maybe we can go out for a drink or something next week and talk about everything again?* Yup! Nothing whatsoever wrong with you, CN. Except that you don't want to be locked in a small space, made to face and clean up someone else's COMPLETELY NEEDLESS AND AVOIDABLE toxic POO. With a damn toothbrush. "The really shitty times was when I split up with my ex-boyfriend, who I had been with for over 10 years. that was also a pretty toxic relationship... that was a really hard breakup and I didn't know how to be alone anymore and what I could/should do on my own. She really helped me then, distracted me with activities." Probably inadvertently. "Before this thing, she messaged me like a few months earlier also about the issue that i dont have time for her, because I do spent a lot of time with my boyfriend. Also after this there were 3 more messages from her about me not doing enough in that friendship." I repeat: it's NOT just that you spend a lot of time with your Fiance now, is it. It's that and the fact, SHE'S A COW! "I have to show, that was straight in pandemic 2020, like first lockdown:" Yeah, go on, then, haha. It's hard NOT to find them morbidly fascinating. "*Hey CreativeNick, I don’t know if you’ve noticed the last few times, but lately, I’ve been finding it really difficult to do things with you and your boyfriend. I don’t want to attack you or start a big argument, but I just can’t continue like this." Huh? "We’ve talked about this so many times already—I feel like very little comes from you. The last time we planned a gaming night, you kept us waiting for 1.5 hours, and the whole thing with Sky wasn’t cool either. For me, it’s about how you react to situations like that. I don’t want to drag your boyfriend into this because this is mainly about you and me." ((And yet you DO drag him in. Funny, that. ...Oh, and - I myself don't want to call you a spoilt-baby, controlling, nasty-mouthed, Covert! Aww, whoops?)) "Whether it’s Hamburg, Heidelberg, or other plans, it often feels like my boyfriend and I aren’t really included and have to invite ourselves." ((Yes. Because you're a COW - I keep tellin ya!)) "I constantly feel like I’m second choice," ((Yes. Because - MOO! Shame you couldn't tell or work it out all by your wickle Forrestie self!)) It's un-get-over-ably FUNNY how that works, isn't it, CN...Life's allegedly a bleedin' mystery for some... "and at some point, it’s not just a matter of forgetting. Every weekend, I barely hear anything from you, but you’re always spending time with your boyfriend´s people." ((Cos you're a cow and he's not....*shrug*)) On a serious note, however: Note how it is NOT just infrequent attacks and outbursts with this one. It's also hidden in the bloody detail of everything they say and how they say it and why, etc. So - Benign, my arse. Just DEEPLY Covert. Well marinaded. In their very pores. "It feels like everything has to come from me,and when I suggest a trip or something, it seems like you’re not really interested—like with Sweden. Like I said, we’ve talked about these things so many times, but I can’t just keep swallowing it down and telling myself you don’t mean it badly. And when we do things together in a group, we barely talk to each other anymore. Pretty much everything happening in my life right now, you don’t really notice, and I guess it’s the same the other way around. That just doesn’t feel like friendship to me—I imagine something different.* Ber-luddy HELL, doesn't she go ON?! ((Labour it and repeat it over and over why doncha!)) AGAIN: Should have been a phone call or, ideally, a face-to-face! Definitely! And that begs the question: why didn't SHE want it to be? Answer's obvious, isn't it. My response: ----------- *Hey Voldemortina," (Haha!) "I need to process this first..." GOOD ANSWER! ("Thlup!") "I have no idea how you think I should have responded more appropriately to your call about Sky. ((for context, My fiancé gave them both his Sky access and then it didn't work because my fiancé had given the access to someone else and no longer knew that you can only share it with a certain number of people." Hhhhhh! - shoot him at dawn!!! "As a result, they both got kicked out and I couldn't really do anything when she called because my fiancé was at work and so I said I will tell him when he gets home.))" And did you? And did he sort it? Or was there too little love left even then? "Regarding the gaming night—my boyfreind had already messaged that he’d be coming later, and I fell asleep because I was completely exhausted from work all week." Hhhh! - you b*tch! BET you did it deliberately! (Hahahahahaha!!!...'Three...Two...One - and I'm under!', pmsl.) "That’s why we both arrived later. ((also for context, that gaming night was on a friday night Online, due to the pandemic. so they were at home and just had to wait a bit in front of their PCs." Oooh noooooo...! (What - couldn't have a bonk instead??) "also there were 2 other friends playing with us, so they played some games, had a nice chat without us till we arrived)) In my current situation, I’m not doing anything with my boyfriend’s people either—I haven’t seen anyone in weeks. Before that, I did hang out with them more often because my boyfriend invites them and then asks if I want to join." And because they're not rotten, selfish, self-centred, uncaring, cows. "((Actually, I should have written "we all have to isolate ourselves right now, what do you want from me?"))" Yeah - damn! Hahaha. Never mind. The fact it's occurring to you now, finally, is the REAL cause celebre. And - it shows you their effect on you, right? "About the vacation... of course, I’d love to go on a trip with you. And since you mentioned Sweden—yeah, I’d be up for that too. But Sweden is expensive. Sure, we can set it as a goal for next year and save up for it, but how well that works out can be seen with my nonexistent driver’s license. I’m not hesitating about things like that because of you, but purely because of the money—I never know what might come up for me or my parents. ((also context, even if I don't go into it in my answer, but Hamburg and Heidelberg were holidays/day trips I had planned with my boyfriend and we wanted to go there alone, some alone time together, it's as simple as that." Hi verray DARE hyo! " When she mentioned that she also wanted to go to Hamburg, for example, we said we could plan that at some point, which we then did, but then Covid came and we couldn't go..))" Hurrah for Covid! I'll tell you precisely what your problem is and what you 'did wrong', CN: You're not super-mega-assertive enough for a Narc. (Oh, boo-hoo.) Albeit, on the other hand, you bloody ARE? Hahaha. She may be tricky but you're cleverer and can be even trickier...but only when Tricky WITH A Cause. Diff/all the diff. You'd make a superb counter-intelligence op, you would. (Me too, btw, haha) "The reason I haven’t reached out about making plans in the past few weeks is simply because of COVID. my boyfriend and I have both had repeated cases around us that we were in contact with. The risk was just too high to do anything. ((context, we both work in healthcare which was hell in the pandemic)) As for us not talking in the group anymore—from my side, it’s because you didn’t really respond to my last messages." Again -it is soooo TEDIOUS having to explain how the world works or what life looks like outside of their self-servingly narrow world view and beyond their own bloody noses - specifically, CON-SE-QUEN-CES-UH-UH-UH! Ugh....don't remind me (although, do) (you know what I mean). New Mantra for 'next' time: "Then you shoulda thoughta that." Simples! Output: practically zero! Seriously, they WANT you to oversplain like that, as if they really ARE incapable of knowing how things work. They want you EXHAUSTED. Makes you easier to manipulate. So - don't. If you REALLY must, you can add: '(shoulda thoughta that) before you went and did/said X/Y/Z!'. "I thought that sucked too… And of course, I noticed that something was off, but just two days ago—or whenever it was—you said everything was fine. ((I looked into what I meant by that. I asked about a few things that we could do together and she just didn't answer))" Uh-huh. Too salient. Also didn't suit her childishly dastardly plans. Seriously, given half the chance I'm sure she would have directly and/or indirectly tried to split you and Fiance up. Exhausting you whilst depriving HIM of your attention is Step One. Go google 'Narcissist - Isolation tactics'. "You know, I never want to hurt you in any way, because you really mean a lot to me, Voldemortina." HAHA! (It's not losing it's comedy value AT ALL, look!) But it's truer to say - she used to. Before she kicked it out of you. Still...finding yourself in such a position is unnerving...not something we instinctually knows how to deal with...because it's not natural. I mean - what are you supposed to say? 'Sorry, but it's because I don't think I like you any more - albeit some days I still do....Because you're a right cow'? " And it hurts when you often say that you feel like you don’t matter to me. I also think it sucks that we don’t really know what’s going on in each other’s lives anymore… And honestly, I was also really disappointed that we never continued watching that series together. And I asked you many times. At that point I had the feeling that you didn't want to watch it with me anymore and then I stopped asking." Noted that you gave her many chances. But then - her complaints are all spin and BS. She just wants to puke into her live, personal toilet and here's here trumped-up justification. That's it. No more complicated than that. "I don’t have any other female friendships—or really any close friendships at all. Sure, I consider my boyfriend’s friends as friends, but none of them would ever hang out with me alone, let alone message me to ask how I’m doing. Sometimes, especially lately, I feel so alone that instead of reaching out, I just withdraw even more... I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but maybe I’m just incapable of having a real friendship.*" I know what's wrong with you. You have a toxic in your 'office'. Business therefore is going to-pot. PLUS, no good workers want to join your office. Because you have a toxic in there. The rest I've read and noted, so I want to stop you here and have you really think hard about what I've just described is WHY you have no other friends. Put simply - when you're under the effects of a Narc and their slime (- Priming), to other nice, narc-free people - you smell a bit unpleasant. What happens is, you cut them out and, given a period of solitude and deeper thinking, and basically just WAITING - the slime slides off and Normal, Nice, Decent people are again drawn to you. In fact, even more so than ever BECAUSE this time, you've had your patience and empathy exercised, meaning, your quality has increased. Ta-daaaa! It's that incredibly kick-yerself simple. But not a lot of people know that. Until it happens and they do. (Dohhhhhh) This is the original 'cloud with silver lining' or 'lemons that make Lemonade'. The only problem is when you stay in that gym for far too long than is healthy. It's an elite gym, but its air-conditioning steadily pumps out minute amounts of Cyanide. Does that and the above all make sense? Anyway, there's nothing wrong with you - you're well cool! Cool, strong, lovely people have always-always attracted parasites and hangers-on. They used to be called Antagonist Personality Disorder-eds, you know. Don't you agree that fits much better? "okay there were some sassy, manipulating parts from me too :D But I really thought it was my fault, that I was the wrong person, even though I didn't know what I had done wrong (apart from distancing myself from people during a pandemic and getting a bit crazy because of it, which I think happened to a lot of people)." Certainly did! "I was really devastated and layed in bed all day having a existencial crisis because I didn't understand what I had done that was so bad that my only friend was attacking me over what I thought were trivial things." Tsk. The rotten cow. Why didn't you come here then? "My now fiancé called her and told her that I wasn't feeling well at all I closed myself off so much that I didn't even want to talk to him anymore. He said to her that he didn't know what had happened between us but that we should sort it out asap." Tsk. I know he was trying to be helpful but - that was the opposite of what you needed (a giant break). "Then shortly after we spoke on the phone for 3 hours and got these incredibly important little things out of the way, I thought." Oh yeah - we always think. And they LET you think. Because then (think about it), you're not expecting the next ambush, either. (Goog "Narcissistic Cycle Of Abuse".) Cleverly stupid, aren't they. Or is it stupidly clever? Both, probably. "Even now I'm starting to doubt again whether I'm not the bad guy in the story after all....crazy right?" Nope. Normal reaction TO craziness (theirs). Well...I'm glad I called her a cow a lot. That should help, haha! "She simply projected a lot of her own problems onto me and always found me to be the scapegoat when she couldn't cope with certain things." YEP, you gottit! (No wonder you always looked so flushed) (get it?) "It's also obvious that she is extremely overly sensitive when it comes to the smallest, most normal things, but I always accepted and tolerated that with the thought "that's just how she is". Maybe she learned from me that she can be like that to people and that people let her be like that?" Thin-skinned plus grossly insensitive - yip. Aka, only care about themselves. A recipe for being DOOMED. "She was also really competing with my fiancé, subtle so I never really noticed that." Ah, there it is! "I think 2021 was the last time there was such an "argument". The next one was the one from my first post here. So it worked quite well for 3 years. When I thought about it more closely, I realized that during that time she had had similar arguments with other friends as she had with me..." AH-HAH-HAAAAH! "I don't know what brought about the change in me now that I have now broken away from her. Deep down I think I have wanted to do that for a long time but I couldn't. Maybe it took a deterioration in my health for me to realize again that I am stronger than I think and then be able to break away from it." Distance. Yes. (Goog "Narc - Trauma Bonding"). (It's not just a bond, it's Supaglue...and in delicate places, like your eyelids. Supaglue Slime....Takes time to dissolve.) "Ah! Our first German, I think! Guten tag und welcommen! :)" :D Moin Moin, freut mich sehr :)" What? :D :D :D (couldn't resist) ________________ "Did you ever try cannabis/marijuana? I was told my condition was for-life and prescribed it (by the hospital registrar, no less!...I was so shocked, had NO IDEA they could do that!). It works for physical pain AND emotional! As long as you're self-disciplined and treat it as respectfully as you would the prescription meds so that you're always in control of IT, rather than the other way round, and save it for particularly painful periods, then I thoroughly recommend it, especially as you can get it without the THC these days via drops from healthfood stores and online. So have you tried the drops?" Like when I was 17-18, I started smoking weed for several years until I realized that it increased my chance of developing schizophrenia." No, that's if you constantly ABUSE IT (which Narcs do btw...abuse everything). They conveniently forget to mention that bit. "So I stopped doing that completely. I tried CBD oil/drops for a while, but it didn't really help. It just made me a little tired." What about altering your diet specific to NPD-abuse recovery? MUCHO effective, that is. Plus fun trying new foods. "It's better than UK's, though, isn't it? What about Spain's? (Let's be honest - they're ALL shit when one looks behind the bloody 'shopfront window'. Just varying levels." yes true, everything has its bad sides, doesn't it? I am of course glad that I live in a country with at least a pretty good health system, it could definitely be worse." Defo. (Espec if V ran it. :p) And your dentists are really good, too, aren't they. My last one in UK was German. WHAT A DIFFERENCE! *Including* the more reasonable cost! "But that's where self-help, self-healing, comes in. I mean - what do you think people DID before pharmaceuticals? How's your diet? If you were to do a multi-pincer job - 'attack' your condition from all angles simultaneously - sky's the limit. (Cheaper than via your GP 'n all.) Well, anyway, now you've got rid of Narcichops, you'll have the time, energy and wherewithall to look into all of this. And your first stop, I reckon, should be reading the bestseller, 'The Body Keeps The Score'. Only logical and VERY eye-opening." (Oh, I see I'm repeating myself a tad - soz...can't be arsed to go up and edit, haha, sorry - tired today...peeing down with rain still.) "Yes, that's true, it's really important that you do something yourself to feel better. I've started doing yoga, meditation and mindfulness exercises in the last few years." Excellent. Basically, whatever you find yourself drawn to is your inner animal (still present within us, ohhh yesh) going - "That one!". " I've tried CBD and various herbal ointments. I really should still work on my diet :D I eat unhealthily." What are you calling unhealthily? "I also stopped smoking half a year ago" (Traitor! ;P) "and since then I've been eating a lot of sweet things and have also gained a bit of weight :D" Start again, then. AGAIN...just, everything in moderation is FINE. It's overdoing it. Getting addicted. (Same for the Harry Potter cow, actually.) (PS: can we switch her name again, to Gluten?) "Luckily, I've always been on the slim side, so it's not necessarily a bad thing that I have a bit more weight on my hips." Men like that. (Ask fiance, he'll tell ya.) "I spent hours reading up on the subject of scoliosis to be able to understand it all better." Yeah. Cos you do things properly. (Jeez, you've been wasted on cow-features, you really have.) "And maybe that's exactly it, I also knew a lot from my job (funnily enough, I work in a rehabilitation clinic in an orthopedic department)," Oh! I sayyyy!! So you're an Angel as a job as well! " which made me even more desperate when all those doctors said I wouldn't get an MRI. I thought about a slipped disc relatively early on and also realized pretty early on that the interaction of stress, muscle tension and scoliosis were responsible for my problems. Of course I told them all of that, or rather I wanted to know if it could all be as I thought it was, after all I'm not a doctor." Yes, but YOU'RE the expert on YOU. Therefore, it should be a case of patient and doctor *teaming-up*. Plus you (properly) researched it. ".. they probably really thought I was a hypochondriac or were annoyed that I was "diagnosing myself"." THAT BIT! Yes. Well done. How verry daaaaare you be so impressive, you jumped-up, mere-decoration, bubble-head, you! "I will look for that book you mentioned :)" Yeah - you'll love it! "Worth investigating, eh?" Maybe, but to be honest, that would be right now too stressful for me. Now I have a good doctor and can finally do everything I can, to hopefully get better soon." I can't remember my question, haha! "I'm interested in absolutely everything....nosy as duck! LOL Yeah, I'll enjoy those cheers again! So does Fiance like them too?" yes, he likes them too. he was never as into it as I was, especially not in the story. so I made a powerpoint presentation about it :D now he's ready for the concerts and is really looking forward to them." Powerpoint presentation? Haha, you didn't! Hahah, too funny! Strike 'properly' and put, 'to the Nth and back', haha! Know who you're reminding me of? Curlylocks. Go have a search under Alias. "Yup. But she only ever PRETENDED to be into them - or remotely as into them as you. So ducking-out, leaving you high 'n dry and 'holding the baby', secretly was never any skin off her own nose." "well, I was always more of a fangirl than her :D I just thought I'd ask her if she wanted to come along because she's listened to them now and then and we were at the concert together in 2016. Maybe that was exactly the problem. that I know them all and she doesn't and that's why she felt left out again." Nah, it's because she's a Cow. "Now that I've realized all of this, ((that she's a cow)) if I'm right, then I really feel sorry for her. BUT that doesn't justify how she treated me." SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE SURVIVOR! Bloody HELL, we're getting super-speedy processors here lately?! That is super-fast. You're over her! What you're not over, are the injuries, including all the injustice and super-unfairnesses (and needless work). Invite her on a cliffside walk one windy day, go on... "Lettt'sss go....flyyyy a kite....Up where the- AI-EEEEEEEEE! (splat!)". Haha!

PS not finished yet - still got your last two. Will either do them a bit later or tomorrow.

I'm still intending to continue properly but - I just realised I forgot to add to this: ""The really shitty times was when I split up with my ex-boyfriend, who I had been with for over 10 years. that was also a pretty toxic relationship... that was a really hard breakup and I didn't know how to be alone anymore and what I could/should do on my own. She really helped me then, distracted me with activities." Probably inadvertently." Or/AND (now I've seen how incredibly Covert-subtle and atomatic-nuance-abusing she is) (- not for me, she isn't; I see everything, even the atomic - can't help it, I'm officially weird that way), and how fast she backtracked (emotions that can turn on a sixpence, it's called), despite the contrived, screechy-violin-playing (when she SHOULD have been staying on the topic of, What a cow I've just been to you and how genuinely sorry I am, which I shall now show by asking more about your woes instead of COMPETING (for minimising - "pressing the relationship re-set button" - and spotlight-hogging purposes!)... It was when she was in Love-Bombing phase. New, Super-friend to the rescuueeeee!....until you're hooked and/or I can't be arsed any more because the novelty of you has worn-off. After all - she wasn't understanding of your inconsiderable woes in that bloody text, was she. Where did that suddenly go, then?....suddenly didn't have a CLUE, look, despite having known all the clues already (and nor any human imagination). Funny, that. She IS very polished and super-subtle, though. So much so, that I can appreciate how those not-in-the-know would read all of that and be taken-in that she's the victim and you're the cold-hearted cow. Another reason why they want it by text. So THAT you appear to be....when she shows it (too briefly) to her next victim! Surface appearances aka Narcissistic Impressions-Management (google). You may not know this, BUT.... they do this 'contriving an evidence table' (google Slander Campaign) RIGHT FROM THE MINUTE YOU BECOME THEIR FRIEND. They KNOW they're going to end up spat-out (it's inevitable because the virtuosos keep arrogantly going for the challenging, rather than 'boring, easy', prey (caring, spidey-sensitive, potentially very scary-actually, Empaths) - for the massive ego boost). PS: Only Empaths can 'kill' Narcissists. And if they're the devil's dark angels then what does that make us?(!). ...And now look at how unbeatably strong and determined not to be beaten by anything or anyone you are. Nuff said. ...And so, they fake this evidence table, or pile of future (fake, unjustified, unwarranted) ammo, as you both go along. Then when you finally spit them out - they have surface-'evidence' of how badly YOU treated THEM, FOR NO REASON(!!!!). And that (warrior) is why I do what you did: ENGAGE. But PROPERLY. To the HILT. I blow EVERY attempt at making me look like the Perp, out of the water. Not because I care what someone else might believe/think about me (they'll learn soon enough). But because I want them to find themselves 'kneecapped' when it comes to rushing-out to find your replacement (using the Pity Ploy - and inappropriately on a first 'date', *note*). But anyway - back to: The (er) person in that ambush, suddenly would have you believe she'd never met you before in her life, let alone knew what your life was super-crowded with!... (Plus - didn't she ever ASK AFTER your romantic relationship and how it was going?!) (Friend??? PFF! Hardly!) Nah. She was in Devalue you stage, whereby, only if you show you "ain't 'avin' it!" and/or that they've gone too far (- mark of an actual Narcissistic Sociopath (big S)) do they turn the charm/'poor wickle me' song, back on....just to dodge having to face consequences and ATONE! You escaped well before that really took off, i.e. before she showed even more of her true colours. I mean - I repeat: if she's so family-less and friend-less then, isn't it strange how she'd so carelessly risk killing-off her one-and-only-genuine, oh-so-vital and precious Friendship WITH YOU? Doesn't gel, does it. Precisely. It's BS and she just likes to have friends that will put up with random beatings out of nowhere for-nothing or for things she should KNOW or be able to WORK-OUT 'Why'(!), ...and just because something's not right in their world that day, or you haven't fawned and kow-towed enough, as in, 'Take it, b*tch!...if you wanna 'be' my friend - or else!' (Er - nyooooooo, I dyyyon't think syo, ew.) If I haven't said it already: Well DONNNNE! Yeah, slime gets on you and stays for a WEE while - but nothing like normal folks! Couple of weeks of no contact and it's practically all slid off! (Well, the important, critical quantum, anyway). You're not adequately hypnotise-able, that's why. (Haha - she must be knackered, too!! PMSL!) Baaaad slaaave...and Early Escapeee... Love it. Anyhoo, back in a bit...

I truly appreciate your time and your words! Your answers and the way you analyzed everything actually reminded me of "Calling Major Tom" by David M. Barnett (I loved that book so much). In it, Major Tom is this detached yet brutally honest presence who helps Gladys overcome her problems. Even though he's far away, he gives her exactly the clarity and perspective she needs to extricate herself from her situation. I feel the same way about your insights—your analysis felt like someone had given me the missing pieces of the puzzle with a blend of directness, humor, and sharp analysis. And maybe that's why your writing style appealed to me so much—it has the same blend of sarcasm, depth, and brutal honesty that makes you aware of things in a way you weren't aware of before :))) I am generally the kind of person who always looks for the fault in themselves. Obviously, there are always two sides to a story. But it really feels good to hear that my assessment was correct, that I didn’t actually do anything wrong—except allowing too much control and constantly trying to accommodate someone who was never truly satisfied. Still, I am also mad at myself. I should have spoken my mind MUCH earlier or ended things sooner. But as we say in Germany: Hätte, hätte, Fahrradkette (which is a humorous way of saying "Woulda, coulda, shoulda"). I actually noticed one of the first positive effects just yesterday. I played an online game with a friend whom I hadn’t regularly spoken to or seen in a really, really long time. Normally, gaming was the thing V and I used to do together. While talking to him, I actually caught myself instinctively thinking about how to phrase something so that no one would rage quit—until I realized... I don’t have to do that anymore. Yay! But yes, I’ll give you some time to respond—just wanted to put this out there already! :)

Heya! The usual apologies for the usual lateness! (You can't plan a thing here!) I haven't yet you read, just wanted to let you know I'll be on here tomorrow (or Tues daytime latest)!

You and WT are next... brb soon.

"Your answers and the way you analyzed everything actually reminded me of "Calling Major Tom" by David M. Barnett (I loved that book so much). In it, Major Tom is this detached yet brutally honest presence who helps Gladys overcome her problems. Even though he's far away, he gives her exactly the clarity and perspective she needs to extricate herself from her situation. I feel the same way about your insights—your analysis felt like someone had given me the missing pieces of the puzzle with a blend of directness, humor, and sharp analysis. And maybe that's why your writing style appealed to me so much—it has the same blend of sarcasm, depth, and brutal honesty that makes you aware of things in a way you weren't aware of before :)))" Oh, wow! I wasn't expecting that! I obviously need to read that book! Do you know, I actually think that's the nicest, most well-put and Me-pegged compliment I've ever received? Thank you so MUCH! (insert grinning red face) Bloody hell, you're good at them, aren't you?! You're wasted. And not just on "huurrrr" (spit). You should be in the Diplomatic Corps! I don't even know what to say!, haha! Let me collect myself and then I'll carry on. Just to warn you - I've just taken something to head-off a visual migraine to the pass (if you ignore the halo of fractured vision, not only does it become worse, like when you (carefully) press the corner of your outer eye, but, pain-wise it's the mother of all migraine headaches. If it gets worse, I'll just continue later or tomorrow - but I'll do my best... I'll collect myself outside, take a few gulps of Spanish oxygen and see if that helps.... PS: Ow.

Hey, I just checked here before going to bed. Take all the time you need — seriously, no rush at all. Please don’t push yourself if things get worse. Ow indeed – that sounds awful. Spanish oxygen sounds like powerful stuff, and I hope it works its magic! Take a break, I can wait. Gute Besserung :)

"I am generally the kind of person who always looks for the fault in themselves. Obviously, there are always two sides to a story." Intwesting... Emotionally or just objectively? Or whatever ratio of both(?). And what do you put that down to? Do you think you're sure enough about who you are and what you're like, under all and any situations and circumstances? Have you had time to really get to know yourself before now? "But it really feels good to hear that my assessment was correct," Hah - just a bit?! But - seriously - hats-off, personal question (because I never feel like that): Why did you even need that second opinion? Was it abovesaid lack of self-knowledge and familiarity? Or was it because it's basically an insane place to find yourself? Again - what ratio (as a percentage, e.g. 70/30%) "that I didn’t actually do anything wrong—except allowing too much control and constantly trying to accommodate someone who was never truly satisfied." No, CN, there is NO 'except', even! Google "The Sociopathic/Psychopathic Hypnotic Effect". This sh*t is REAL. Right from "Hello", are no longer your usual self with your normal capabilities. You're not a PARTNER. Only a partner with genuinely equal say takes a portion of blame. These bozos are super-dominators, and, as you now know, not always in the more usual obvious, overt, domineering-ahole way that we're used to seeing. E.g., I was THE most chilled/secure and philosophical person and romantic partner.....before I got with 'my' last ex (whom did NOT fool me, but tied and straitjacketed me so may as well have). Even Robert Hare (google) gets conned. It's not about prevention/avoidance or how soon. It's about taking your first proper opportunity (where all elements come together) to escape. WHICH YOU DID. How many years WASN'T it again? It's weird, being Supaglued to someone you inevitably, eventually, actually can't stand. Uh!...the Resentment. They turn you into a ticking time-bomb. Stupid fools. Too lazy to use the carrot - it's all stick (and shoehorn-ing). Durn't get me started, Muther! "Still, I am also mad at myself. I should have spoken my mind MUCH earlier or ended things sooner. But as we say in Germany: Hätte, hätte, Fahrradkette (which is a humorous way of saying "Woulda, coulda, shoulda")." You were hypnotised then bent backwards over a barrel then hobbled/paralysed. It wasn't remotely a fair playing-field. The complete opposite (because all you thought - and were actively convinced - you were doing, was becoming friends with someone!) "I actually noticed one of the first positive effects just yesterday. I played an online game with a friend whom I hadn’t regularly spoken to or seen in a really, really long time." Is this your way of getting another Silent Monks video? :D Seriously - that's fantastic news! "Normally, gaming was the thing V and I used to do together. While talking to him, I actually caught myself instinctively thinking about how to phrase something so that no one would rage quit—until I realized... I don’t have to do that anymore. Yay!" Ah-hah-hah - and we newly see another rotten aspect of her (google Narcissist - competitor not friend). "But yes, I’ll give you some time to respond—just wanted to put this out there already! :)" Thankyouverymush! I must say, your English is fanuckingtastic. It's even better than most English people's! Coo...who'da thunk it: the Germans, Greeks and other Europeans are the ones rescuing the English Language (from the English, haha!). If one more Brit says (e.g.), 'better than *what* I had last year' instead of just 'better than I had last year'...or, "more easier" instead of 'easier' or 'more easy', I am going to ("peeeeep!" - steam) scuh-REAM! And don't even GO where the Americans go, with their, 'I could care less', instead of, 'couldn't care less'................(sigh) Anyway.... anything going on in the background, like, Fakebook or anything vis a vis "stinky Slinky"? And - anythingi to report bodily-improvements-wise? Re-striking up that gaming friendship is a hugely brilliant sign, you know. If Slinky DOES try to contact or get you to, methinks she's going to get the 'blowdrying' of her life! Tee-hee-chortle.

(Haha, that was a crossover! Doesn't matter - I'm determine to kill myself with hard work, haha. Or so it seems. It's not martyrdom, though. More obsession/compulsion (like I'm being puppeteered by forces outside of mine or anyone else's control). Still...Keeps me fit... :) Night!)

Hey :) I hope you're feeling better and that you were able to fend off the migraine attack! ""I am generally the kind of person who always looks for the fault in themselves. Obviously, there are always two sides to a story." Intwesting... Emotionally or just objectively? Or whatever ratio of both(?). And what do you put that down to?" I mean it more like this: in situations where I or others are hurt because of previous interactions between both people, I tend to look for behavior or mistakes on my part too, i also try to understand the other side of the story, so that I can learn something from it for myself. If I did her wrong in this story here, I would take that as a lesson and try to act differently in similar situations in the future. I don’t mean every little argument I’ll ever have with people, but rather those situations where I’ve emotionally hurt people who are important to me, or where they’ve hurt me. I believe that’s part of continuously growing and developing as a person. "Do you think you're sure enough about who you are and what you're like, under all and any situations and circumstances? Have you had time to really get to know yourself before now?" In all situations and circumstances? Can you really know that in every single situation and circumstance? At best, I think you can assume — and that, I can do. 😄 (In most situations and circumstances, I know pretty well who I am and how I react.) I think I’ve already gotten to know myself quite well in the past. But it’s also true that over the last few years, I’ve kind of lost myself a bit. Because I’ve spent most of my time in fight or flight mode, I wasn’t really able to focus on the things that define me, the things I care about, or the things I wish for. So, to some extent, I guess I have to get to know myself again. "But - seriously - hats-off, personal question (because I never feel like that): Why did you even need that second opinion? Was it abovesaid lack of self-knowledge and familiarity? Or was it because it's basically an insane place to find yourself? Again - what ratio (as a percentage, e.g. 70/30%)" I spent several weeks grieving that "friendship" — seriously, with everything that comes with it, as if I had just broken up with the love of my life. So yes, it was absolutely insane. I talked about it a lot with my fiancé and also a bit with my dad. I did a lot of reflecting and even started forming some ideas (like possible narcissistic traits, etc.). I think I just needed an external perspective to really process it all — and honestly, as I said that helped a lot. Not really being fully in touch with myself definitely played a role too. I’d say it was split about 40% me not being fully grounded in myself and 60% the sheer craziness of the whole situation. "No, CN, there is NO 'except', even! Google "The Sociopathic/Psychopathic Hypnotic Effect". This sh*t is REAL. Right from "Hello", are no longer your usual self with your normal capabilities. You're not a PARTNER. Only a partner with genuinely equal say takes a portion of blame. These bozos are super-dominators, and, as you now know, not always in the more usual obvious, overt, domineering-ahole way that we're used to seeing. E.g., I was THE most chilled/secure and philosophical person and romantic partner.....before I got with 'my' last ex (whom did NOT fool me, but tied and straitjacketed me so may as well have). Even Robert Hare (google) gets conned. It's not about prevention/avoidance or how soon. It's about taking your first proper opportunity (where all elements come together) to escape. WHICH YOU DID. How many years WASN'T it again? It's weird, being Supaglued to someone you inevitably, eventually, actually can't stand. Uh!...the Resentment. They turn you into a ticking time-bomb. Stupid fools. Too lazy to use the carrot - it's all stick (and shoehorn-ing). Durn't get me started, Muther!" I know you’re right — everything you’re saying fits 1:1. But a part of me still doesn’t want to think of her that way or admit that it’s true. The things you’re writing here (and so much more) perfectly describe that feeling of "not really being myself." Even now, months later, I get deeply sad or angry, and end up crying my eyes out. Sometimes I get so angry at her that I just want to scream in her face how much she hurt me and what she really is. Sometimes I wish none of this had ever happened — that I could just call her or text her again. But I know it will pass — it’s just really hard in the meantime. To help myself a bit in moments of grief, I wrote a short letter to her (which I’ll never send) where I expressed everything — how I feel, how I used to see her and how I see her now, how she hurt me, all the little situations that came to mind. I also added two short texts to remind myself of the dynamic I was caught up in and of who she really is. "because all you thought - and were actively convinced - you were doing, was becoming friends with someone!" It’s so cruel... and such a hard pill to swallow. "Ah-hah-hah - and we newly see another rotten aspect of her (google Narcissist - competitor not friend)." Oh, I know... like I said I actually made a list of all the situations that stuck with me. We had a lot of game nights, not just online — and many of them didn’t end so well. "I must say, your English is fanuckingtastic." :D Well, it’s not all my work. I run everything I write through a translator to fix my mistakes. :D Otherwise, you'd probably end up reading English with German grammar. :D and there goes the dog in the pan crazy :DD "Anyway.... anything going on in the background, like, Fakebook or anything vis a vis "stinky Slinky"?" Absolute radio silence, since she reached out about the tickets. "And - anythingi to report bodily-improvements-wise?" Every now and then, I still have quite a lot of pain, but it’s getting better. :) Hopefully, I’ll soon get an ergonomic workspace at the office. And I’m staying active — I managed to get a training spot at the fitness studio of the rehab clinic where I did that sports program (the atmosphere there is so much better than in a regular gym). Plus, I’ll be using the gym at the rehab clinic where I work once a week during lunch breaks together with a colleague. I like to think I’ve already built a bit of visible muscle. :D Whenever I can, I’ll also get physical therapy sessions or massages prescribed. By summer at the latest, I think I’ll also get my rehab officially approved. My fiancé and I treated ourselves to a vacation in Heidelberg on the days off we had originally planned for the concert we’re no longer going to. So yesterday, I hiked about the half of the "Himmelsleiter" in Heidelberg (a few months ago, I would’ve told anyone suggesting it they were crazy — I never would’ve thought I could do that). Apart from some sore muscles and a bit of tension in my back, I don’t really feel any after-effects yet. :D The "Himmelsleiter" in Heidelberg is a historic, steep stone stairway made of over 1,200 uneven steps that leads from Heidelberg’s Old Town up to the Königstuhl, a hill overlooking the city. It’s a popular but challenging hiking route, and the name literally means "Stairway to Heaven" because of how exhausting and steep it is — but the views at the top are worth it! :) "Re-striking up that gaming friendship is a hugely brilliant sign, you know." Right?! And that’s not even all that’s happened since then — no joke, two other friends from school and a former coworker have also reached out to me. I really has been under some kind of spell, huh? "If Slinky DOES try to contact or get you to, methinks she's going to get the 'blowdrying' of her life! Tee-hee-chortle." Well, I kinda hope she’s right about that one: that as a Libra, I can be ice-cold when someone hurts me deeply (she’s the one who strongly believes in astrology). I’m pretty sure that, even though I sometimes have those moments where I want to tell her exactly what I think, I won’t give her any big lecture. Because I know my worth again, and I’ll never let anyone hurt me like that again. She blew it. And why waste any more energy on someone like that? If she ever "dares" to contact me again, she’ll get a very dry, simple response: “I don’t want any further contact with you. Have a nice life.” I don’t even want to give her any space to be able to put a spell on me again. I now also understand much better how her other friend must have felt — the one she first broke off contact with and then reached out to again a year later. I actually spent a weekend with that friend and V once, when we went on a trip together. It ended with V confronting the other friend via text afterward, saying it felt like the friend had something against her because she had made certain comments that seemed like digs. In my opinion, she hadn't done that at all. Long story short, the friend wrote something back about how she had no interest in this kind of competition. Back then, I didn’t understand what she meant. Now I understand it perfectly. She definitely meant that she didn’t want to be dragged into an emotional power struggle, where everything felt like a competition or a hidden battle over who’s right, more likable, or in control. Honestly, I could talk about this for hours — it’s just crazy how much becomes clear in hindsight. And like you said, it’s kind of fascinating and totally mind-blowing what those people are actually capable of. I think the last time I was this shook was when I started reading about quantum entanglement. :D

Heya! I'm just in the midst of fighting a sinus bug so at the mo I'm trying to conserve energy so as to nip it in the bud. I'll respond asap but, to meantime keep you going - read this: "SOULMATE (moderator) - Feb 18 2025 at 21:54 Member since Aug 2014" on Mykyl1152's thread: https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13852/has-anyone-ever-been-in-a-controlling-relationship-or-lovebombed Ignore the fact your fauxlationship with Slinky wasn't romantic. Whatever the r-ship role is, is but a mere detail of a wee adjustment to the standard, fundamental, Narc Playbook. It's still imperative to your healing to read these ex-victim-now-survivor reports - for not only what you did go through but, were you not so determined and self-disciplined, COULD have gone through. You'll find it incredibly eye-opening and validating. PS: If you could talk about this for hours, then, PLEASE - DO. That's what this is here for! And it's unbelievably helpful to other victims and would-be victims, the more deeply into heartfelt thoughts/feelings/reflections you go. So, in short: yes, please! Before you do, however - read those very honest and giving survivor reports, and then tell me how many more (and which) dots it helped you to join up (or if you prefer, which jigsaw pieces added to your Evidence picture-puzzle)? PS: Don't worry about feeling glum, frustrated, sad, etc. You are recovering ASTONISHINGLY quickly - meaning, you were grieving-out the 'friendship' while you were still in it. So it won't last. Here's a big hug anyway: ((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))) Back soon!

Hello-hello? All okay? You still digesting and processing?

Hey, I hope you’re feeling better! Sorry, I’ve been quite busy the last few days — I’m on vacation now to see Twenty One Pilots live :) I did read the thread you posted, but I haven’t really had the chance to fully dive into it yet. Still, I’ve been thinking a lot about everything. I think I’ll take a proper look at it this coming Wednesday. And don’t worry — it wouldn’t overwhelm me at all if you feel like replying to my previous posts, in case you’re feeling better. Feel free to reply to anything, anytime!

Oh, what a relief! Same for me......and very-very sadly, my closest (older) male-friend died, unexpectedly, two nights ago... so I'm not exactly 'in the zone', anyway, just at the mo. I'll be fine (always am,...annoyingly), just need another day or two to get over the shock AND the denial...I can feel it...in fact, writing this out can only help to let some more reality in because obviously right now my bonce is saying 'Nooope, don't wanna know - s'not true, LA-LA-LA-LA-LA can't hear ya!'. Our posse is meeting tomorrow night for a vigil supper (he was a 'regular' at my fave beachside restaurant-bar). So that's gonna be a strange mixture of hard going and comforting... Life can be a right basstud, can't it. Anyhoo... Yup, couple more days and I'll catch up to the rest of your yet-to-be-addressed stuff. Have a bloody lovely holiday AND concert! You can tell me all about it when you get back. "Laters!" :)

Oh no, I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. Please feel warmly hugged if you feel like it! :) Take all the time you need to grieve and take care of yourself. I can only imagine how hard it must be to lose someone so close to your heart. Sending you much strength — I’ll see you soon.

Hey-hey! Thanks mucho for your lovely condolences and patience. :) Right, let me start to catch up... (Quick aside: methinks the thread in duplicate is Niffy - what about you?) (Post 14 Mar 18:17) "First, Mum... This is what's stuck out most for me: "(sometimes I wish I wouldn´t have any contact anymore)." 1. For what reason(s)? 2. Why would you have to wish? Couldn't you DECIDE? Or 'meet yourself in the middle' and just do half the amount of hours and effort? Scratch Q1 - you've answered it with this: "So she has good and bad days, on bad days it's mainly the crazy talking, insulting and coercive behaviour that comes to the fore. But it stays within limits. On good days you can have a bit of a normal chat with her. But it's no longer possible to build up any real depth," Yup, I know what you mean. "neither in conversations nor in interpersonal relationships. So yes, my "real mother" has passed away, even though she is alive. " I expect the other reasons are because, unintentional yet uncontrollable or not - Emotional & Verbal Abuse is still Abuse, right? Plus, you've already dedicated enough of yourself and your life to her (and him); you need to be free to live your own life now. Is it time to call in the professional Carers yet? I imagine, however, that those perfectly natural thoughts and needs trigger "the guilts" every time, though - correct?" So, yes its this what i said that gets me on an emotional level but its also this: I do the best i can since ever and thats the least. I don't remember when the floor was last really deep cleaned for example. When I was still living with them it was a bit easier to take care of things but also there it was a mess and I just did what I could (also the emotional part was harder, cause I had to deal with my mom on a daily basis.)" Yes, but, both of those things together would be very wearing. It's not as if you're a normal as in fully physically-working daughter - and even they find it too hard! "I could decide to just not help them anymore, but I can't do that." (...clears the furniture...) Can you hear what you've just said? : I could decide to stop (and) I couldn't decide to stop. Which one of you wants to stop? Is it Captain Kirk (emotional side) or Mr Spock (objective side)? Or IS IT BOTH OF THEM? If so - what percentage each? "It's against every moral I have. Why do you not hire a professional carer for them? Well, My father refuses help from "outside". I had more than one discussion with him about that. Even my fiance and also his doctor tried, but he's to stubborn. He says he can still do things like cooking and cleaning (you can't imagine how dirty it is everywhere) and he doesn't need help. He simply don't let them in, when I tried without his consent. I know that he is deeply ashamed that the house is a mess and that he himself can't do much anymore. When I said that I need help he kind of understood and almost agreed the last time we spoke about it. And to be honest I'm totally overwhelmed, I don't know what I could say or do that he agrees on it. And I'm also tired of having to be the person who has to sort everything out. I don't want that responsibility. He's still able to call somewhere and just get information, for example, but it all falls on me (even to call his doctor for new receipts for his or my mum's medication). So I'm doing the least. Just as much that they have something to eat and something to wear and of course medical stuff. My fiance and I both don't have a drivers license. We just never could afford it. so this makes things also tough. We have a E-Bike with bike trailer, with which we do the grocery shopping once or twice a week, that makes it a bit easier than in the past where I did that with a normal bike or by foot/public transport. Now with my back troubles my fiancè does this part. My father don't wants this elderly food delivery and we live in a small city so there is also no online service of any groceriestore. Some stuff he gets from Amazon, though. So I'm currently talking to my fiancé about what I can do, what he can do, and what we should just leave alone because neither of us has the strength." It concerns me greatly that your father refuses outside help. Why does he? Is it because he doesn't need to hire anyone (and spend money...home-visiting or live-in carers are expensive, you know that) when he gets your services for-free (and, being a bloke, can tolerate the dirt/mess)? Or is it because he wants and needs you around, emotionally (scared that you'll leave him once your mum passes)? Or maybe however-much of both? What strikes me as obvious, however, is that your father's choices are NOT REASONABLE NOR RATIONAL. How is that 'Compus mentis', CN? This, surely, is a case for your version of Social Services? Think of the health-risk to your already-poorly mother that the accumulating dirt poses as? And on her mental health when it comes to the household visual chaos? I mean - he's doing the cooking on what? A dirty stove/oven? How come he isn't 'deeply ashamed' when it comes to you and your mother? So your welfares are less important than what strangers or soon-to-become strangers (again) think - is that it? If he were ashamed, he'd do something about it. You yourself are 'suddenly' unable to continue doing it to any significant level. Yet even that has failed to get him finally dealing with it. And so - it is NOT that he's ashamed, is it. Strike that from the evidence table, please, Holmes. Houston, I think we've come across "The Mother Ship"....what led to 'attracting' Stinky Slinky. He 'reasons', 'rationalises' and 'justfies' exactly like Slinky, doesn't he. (Had you not noticed that?) "Since my father got that chronic wounds I've never been able to go on vacation for longer than a week. Because the wound dressing has to be changed regularly, at the latest after 3 days. So we sometimes manage with his doctor that he does the bandage change once so we can stay somewhere for at least a week (he is the only person besides us who can step a foot in this house)." Yes. And I suspect that's because this so-called Doctor has for too long proven that he doesn't give a toss about the obvious 'elephant in the room' going on here, courtesy of your father's lack of rationale or ability to make adult, intelligent decisions, PLUS the fact that the man is injured! ANY fool could see that this doctor should have organised home-help already (because your father can't cope even with YOUR help)! WHY HASN'T HE? Something has got to 'give' - and it ain't gonna be you, CN. Not on my watch. "Of course I feel sometimes like I'm the worst daughter of all time even though I know I already do my best and that this shouldn't be my fight entirely." HOW do you feel like that when it runs completely opposite to reality and concrete evidence? WHY do you feel like that when it completely opposes those things? You should be CROWING with self-pride! Do you see why I'm saying this? I'm just going to pause (and leave the below pasting-in) and continue tomorrow... as this is meatier than I thought. And you might need a pause (to go through the mental photo albums and start joining dots). (PS: Haven't read ahead, shan't read ahead) (- these days, I'm so self-disciplined I make myself sick, haha). Food for thought: I recommend that you tell YOUR doctor everything you've told me - and ensure the doctor knows that your father's doctor is aware of the set-up (that is NOT working and is depleting you whilst preventing you from healing as fast (and properly/permanently) as you could be, as well as from getting on with your own life (finally!). Your father's doctor is being Negligent. That's not allowed. Could you enlist the help also of your fiance's parents? Mate. All things considered - you're being emotionally and physically exploited (via emotional blackmail). You're being prevented from having the energy, let alone the time, to cultivate and live your own life... And yet you somehow still HAVE! But...isn't that the crux definition of incarceration or slavery? Whatever... It's too much. Your mum's 'ill'. Your dad's 'ill' (clearly has mental issues of his own). You're physically 'ill' and, thanks to this, have been getting iller (and iller still, thanks to Slinky). All because this bloody doctor isn't doing what clearly needs to have been done already: Organising a nursing home or home carers (say, twice-weekly). WHY isn't he!? I mean - feeling GUILTY???? YOU? Mate, you should be dancing up and down your high street (or flying, flapping your massive, White wings!), singing to passing strangers - 'I'm-not scared-of Dy-ing 'cause I-know-where-I'm go-ing, ha ha-ha ha ha!'. (I would be.) (Probably would, actually, haha.) ___________________________________________________________________________________________ I'm an only child, my aunt and uncle and cousins where when i was little really close then something happened, I still don't know what it was and from one day to another they canceled every contact and when the sickness of my mother first showed the rest of my family left us on our own (I also can imagine that my father refused any help here too). "on the whole I'm coping well and I'm happy about every slightly better day when we have a good chat. " What, as a percentage, would you say, is the Dark To Light ratio of good days versus bad? And how rapidly has that shifted, recently? What you're going through is the long, drawn-out Goodbye that victims of Altzheimers go through. And by 'victim', I actually mean, the Nearest & Dearest, not the Alz. sufferer themselves! But Altzheimers (at that level) tends only to last up to 5 or so years, whereas - HOW LONG have you been your mother's Caregiver? Does your head in, though, doesn't it: Oh, today she's here!...Oh, but today she's "the monster"....here!...gone!...back again - oh wait, gone again!.... It's like being haunted, isn't it...despite the person isn't actually dead - or tantamount (full-time insane). Would you say her condition makes her act uncannily similar to a Narcissist? If you're unsure - let's check. You list all the offensive and hurtful behaviours and verbals you can think of for me. It's 50/50 and not at all like anything narcissistic - she is sick, not calculating, not even subconsciously.. But yeah, you really never know what you get. Sometimes she's friendly at the beginning and suddenly it turns into bad. She has a lot of trigger wich start the nonsense talking. So to paint you a clearer picture this is how it goes on a good-then bad or bad day: I say Hello when I arrive this is the first indicator that Shows me if it's a good or a bad day. Bad day: nonsense talking to me saying hello, something like "Oh god, what does this whore want here again? Eeek. Leave me alone!!" or something like that "everyone ran away, so! we have no sun cream! i'll report you to the police, you wanker! Even if it rains, so!" Then most of the time follows more nonsense talking or some stuff like "name of family member - burned, name of another family member - burned, name of another family member - burned.." which she illustrates with the gesture/compulsive action by pantomiming the act of lighting a lighter and this goes on for several minutes (sometimes she gestures/ makes a complusive action like shes stabbing with a knife also her words change then). Then sometimes she clears up a little and notice that im there but the visuals are most of the time heavy so she comes closer to me (to look me in the face) and says for example something like "Have you looked in the mirror today? You have those ugly red eyes again.uuuhhgghh. are you okay?" Most of the time, she doesn't see me, but someone/something else. It could be someone from my family or former circle of acquaintances. But I've also been German politicians or celebrities. Rarely she really attacks my person. Then I know, I don't really talk to her this day cause really everything is a trigger and this will start all over again :D.... On good days that turn to bad ones, she's friendly at first, talks normal but gets triggert by something I or my dad says (there is no special thing this happens really random) then she starts talking nonsense etc. or sometimes she suddenly gets really worried and asks me things like ‘did i sit on you tonight? It felt like I was sitting on you and you were calling for help. does something hurt you? did someone stab you? I was stabbed in the night.... did you feel that? Are you okay?’ By ‘it stays within limits" I meant ‘it's not as bad as it used to be’, i.e. when she starts talking or acting out, it no longer lasts all day. She used to talk sometimes day and night, literally 24/7, until she was hoarse. Sometimes I had to put on headphones with music to go to sleep because she would walk up and down the corridor where my room was and talk nonsense all night long. She also threw things away, like the water filter, because she thought the water was poisoned. I regularly checked the rubbish bin and other places where she had put things. Before one stay in the psychiatric ward, for example, she stabbed a stool belonging to the couch with a pair of scissors. That sounds intense, but she was never a danger to others. She was admitted again once because she no longer wanted to eat and drink (she thought it was poisoned) and was therefore a danger to herself. And of course those are only a few things that happened. So for me, it's not ‘abuse’ in the classic sense, but psychological terror. when I moved out, I realised how extreme it all was. the peace and quiet was indescribably beautiful. that's why I try to leave quickly when she has a bad day... i can't take it anymore, even if it's not as bad as it used to be. On good days, we talk completely normally—I tell her about my work, she tells me what she’s watched on TV, we talk about the weather or some celebrity drama (she’s always more informed about that than I am), or she shows me the new clothes she ordered (she always wants to give me one, no matter if it’s my size or not :D). Those are the days when she hugs me and tells me that she loves her “little daughter”... those are the moments when she feels kinda like my mother again.

PS: "Can you hear what you've just said? : I could decide to stop (and) I couldn't decide to stop. Which one of you wants to stop? Is it Captain Kirk (emotional side) or Mr Spock (objective side)? Or IS IT BOTH OF THEM? If so - what percentage each?" This is bad, CN, this is bad. When Kirk and Spock hold opposing views. They can't function if they're not constantly on the same team, meaning, YOU can't function. (This is why, as above, I want to know HOW torn-apart they are). ...Particularly for a long time. That alone is enough to give someone without a pre-existing condition a knackered back (if that's where their fragility lays). Google "Cognitive Dissonance". And where it's caused (typically) by Narcissistic Abuse (including Exploitation, physical and emotional both (intended or not!)), prefix with "Narcissistic Abuse". It could be that your father is behaving like a Narc only because of the state he's in, of course. I don't know..that's why I said you need to think and go through 'the albums'... so that you can tell me: Has he always been as unreasonable and unrational as all this (even if just far more subtly in the past) or is this ridiculous (and frankly despotic!) attitude-into-behaviour something that's appeared only 'recently'?

...I think you (and Fiance) should consider speaking to a solicitor/lawyer regarding the pros and cons of making an application for getting Power Of Attorney. With control of the finances, you could then hire the level of help that your mother ACTUALLY NEEEEEEDS and SOD how your currently/permanently (passive/covertly) selfish and controlling feels about it! YOU'RE doing the right thing despite you don't want to be (and what loved-one would!...that's WHY you get such things as professional carers and nursing-homes ffs!)....putting your own feelings aside to do The Right Thing and to the best of YOUR abilty, aren't you? ("Yes") (Correct!) So why can't he? Your FAAAAA-THUR... you know, that bloke who's supposed to be even more adult-sensible, brave and responsible than you?

Know what I'd do? I'd inform my father that I'm not a wizard nor Superman and therefore if he wants me to continue giving up most of my life and already put-upon health for theirs, he's going to have to pay me (a form of replenishment thus sustenance/nourishment - compensation AND RECIPROCATION(!), basically), as well as at the going hourly rate of a professional, reliable, home-visiting Carer. And, already, that is "Mates Rates" because you're BETTER than any twice-weekly stranger-carer for the simple fact that you know your mother - intimately. And really do CARE. And do things to the hilt. Tip: demand a salary that's far higher than you actually want. This sort of thing works with Narc fathers - e.g.: "Please can you lend me 100 Quid?.....(15 mins of begging followed by a cold refusal later)....... Aww? Well, what about just 60, then?".

Forgive me the delay again, I'm having a really shitey month. How's you anyway - you alright? __________________________________ "I'm an only child," Okay, that probably accounts to a degree for your sense of over-responsibility. It might be do-able if you had siblings to share the load. "my aunt and uncle and cousins where when i was little really close then something happened, I still don't know what it was and from one day to another they canceled every contact and when the sickness of my mother first showed the rest of my family left us on our own (I also can imagine that my father refused any help here too)." You don't know what happened, what caused this? Why not? It's absolutely your business to know! Why haven't you demanded your father tell you? What would happen if you did? "on the whole I'm coping well and I'm happy about every slightly better day when we have a good chat. " What, as a percentage, would you say, is the Dark To Light ratio of good days versus bad? And how rapidly has that shifted, recently? What you're going through is the long, drawn-out Goodbye that victims of Altzheimers go through. And by 'victim', I actually mean, the Nearest & Dearest, not the Alz. sufferer themselves! But Altzheimers (at that level) tends only to last up to 5 or so years, whereas - HOW LONG have you been your mother's Caregiver? Does your head in, though, doesn't it: Oh, today she's here!...Oh, but today she's "the monster"....here!...gone!...back again - oh wait, gone again!.... It's like being haunted, isn't it...despite the person isn't actually dead - or tantamount (full-time insane). Would you say her condition makes her act uncannily similar to a Narcissist? If you're unsure - let's check. You list all the offensive and hurtful behaviours and verbals you can think of for me." "It's 50/50 and not at all like anything narcissistic - she is sick, not calculating, not even subconsciously.. " (I think I replied to this, with saying, the EFFECT on you is the same as if the abuse were conscious/intended, which isn't good for your health. Again, this is why stranger-professionals offer their services.) "But yeah, you really never know what you get. Sometimes she's friendly at the beginning and suddenly it turns into bad. She has a lot of trigger wich start the nonsense talking." Is there a theme with the triggers? "So to paint you a clearer picture this is how it goes on a good-then bad or bad day: I say Hello when I arrive this is the first indicator that Shows me if it's a good or a bad day. Bad day: nonsense talking to me saying hello, something like "Oh god, what does this whore want here again? Eeek. Leave me alone!!"" Woah. WOAH! CN...???? I am so sorry...you poor thing. DEFINITELY only a professional carer would be capable of not taking that extreme verbal abuse personally! "or something like that "everyone ran away, so! we have no sun cream! i'll report you to the police, you wanker! Even if it rains, so!" BLOODY HELL??? "Then most of the time follows more nonsense talking or some stuff like "name of family member - burned, name of another family member - burned, name of another family member - burned.." which she illustrates with the gesture/compulsive action by pantomiming the act of lighting a lighter and this goes on for several minutes (sometimes she gestures/ makes a complusive action like shes stabbing with a knife also her words change then)." So is this a clue to what occurred with the (obviously issue-bound) family? Sounds like it, doesn't it. "Then sometimes she clears up a little and notice that im there but the visuals are most of the time heavy so she comes closer to me (to look me in the face) and says for example something like "Have you looked in the mirror today? You have those ugly red eyes again.uuuhhgghh. are you okay?" Good god... Does your own doctor know this? "Most of the time, she doesn't see me, but someone/something else. It could be someone from my family or former circle of acquaintances." (Extension of above Scooby Clue noted.) "But I've also been German politicians or celebrities." Did you get the paycheck that goes with it, though. (Sorry - Black Humour...I'm having real trouble being in your shoes right now....woah... You have really minimised your situation(s), haven't you. Don't want to make a fuss, eh?) "Rarely she really attacks my person." How many times? Please describe these events? "Then I know, I don't really talk to her this day cause really everything is a trigger and this will start all over again :D...." Jeez... "On good days that turn to bad ones," Edit (important to be straight with yourself): 'On bad days that began as good,' (See the diff? ...No minimisation.) "she's friendly at first, talks normal but gets triggert by something I or my dad says (there is no special thing this happens really random) then she starts talking nonsense etc. or sometimes she suddenly gets really worried and asks me things like ‘did i sit on you tonight? It felt like I was sitting on you and you were calling for help. does something hurt you? did someone stab you? I was stabbed in the night.... did you feel that? Are you okay?’" So she's really far-gone, then? "By ‘it stays within limits" I meant ‘it's not as bad as it used to be’, i.e. when she starts talking or acting out, it no longer lasts all day." It used to last all day? OMFGee, CN, OMFGee! WHAT HAS THIS BEEN DOING TO YOU? "She used to talk sometimes day and night, literally 24/7, until she was hoarse. Sometimes I had to put on headphones with music to go to sleep because she would walk up and down the corridor where my room was and talk nonsense all night long. She also threw things away, like the water filter, because she thought the water was poisoned. I regularly checked the rubbish bin and other places where she had put things. Before one stay in the psychiatric ward, for example, she stabbed a stool belonging to the couch with a pair of scissors. That sounds intense," YA THINK?!?! "but she was never a danger to others. She was admitted again once because she no longer wanted to eat and drink (she thought it was poisoned)" By whom? The rellies? "and was therefore a danger to herself. And of course those are only a few things that happened." Blood-yyyy HELL, missus?!?! "So for me, it's not ‘abuse’ in the classic sense, but psychological terror." Yeah, I'll be the judge of that, thanks. It IS abuse. And it does incredible damage - again, HENCE WHY WE PAY PROFESSIONALS. "when I moved out, I realised how extreme it all was. the peace and quiet was indescribably beautiful." I can sodding imagine!! (Where the hell do you get your incredible energy fromm?????? My jaw is on the floor, reading all of that! ...Wow, the things people can get used to...PHOOOOO!) "that's why I try to leave quickly when she has a bad day..." GOOD BEEPING DECISION! Yeah, you're definitely a survivor. But the trouble is, your brain/mind is stronger than your body. Your new exercises will definitely help a huge deal. "i can't take it anymore," REALLY? Ya don't say! "even if it's not as bad as it used to be." Wrong, actually. The accumulative effect. "On good days, we talk completely normally—I tell her about my work, she tells me what she’s watched on TV, we talk about the weather or some celebrity drama (she’s always more informed about that than I am), or she shows me the new clothes she ordered (she always wants to give me one, no matter if it’s my size or not :D). Those are the days when she hugs me and tells me that she loves her “little daughter”... those are the moments when she feels kinda like my mother again." Oh CN. I don't know what to say. I'm both incredibly sorry for you and incredibly in awe of you. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((BEARHUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ________________________- You realise you're going to have to confront your father, don't you. And then if he still refuses to play ball - tell him he has to pay you the carer's salary. And if he says no - it's tell your doctor time. I MEAN IT. For yours AND your mother's sake. AND his, actually! This is not your duty - not when it's Altzheimer's. No. It's not even his. Just, no.

Don't just go ahead and do it, though. Let's discuss and plan it first. PS: I'm betting your doctor does NOT know that she's been that violent with a 'knife' (scissors). Never mind that it was a footstool! Maybe next time it WON'T be - whether by-accident or another psychotic break! That alone is qualification for her being removed from the marital home and into a specialist care home for-sure because - maybe next time it WON'T be. Imaging the trouble your mother and father's doctor would be in if that happened.

Hey, I'll reply in a few days (I think/hope over the weekend). There's a lot going on right now, and I haven't had the chance to really sit down with it yet. Hope you're okay! :) See ya!

That's cool with me because Monday's 'leccie' black-out really put me back! Speak soon! :)

(Just bumping you up :)) (which is not a hint to hurry) (I don't do hints, I just let 'em have it, haha.)

Hey there, I`m fine. i was quite busy after my vacation at work and stuff, so sorry for the late response 😅 First Positive Stuff: The concerts were sooo great! We first went to the show in Hamburg. I was so close to the singer when he went to his B-Stage, like one arm length close. Also met a few nice people waiting in Line🙂 My back also didn’t act up that much, so i could enjoy the whole show. I experienced a lot of my favorite songs live, and even cried out of joy when they played the Line and Jumpsuit. Look how awesome that show was (That Band/Community is so wholesome): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdK4HMGjU1M https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTuyvPZe9ck (not my vids) Then we went to Cologne for another show where we had seats. That was an even greater show than the first one. The crowd was so crazy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUmjc4xSfl8&list=PLUfZy5mymdKbHdyrtyTZyE6KOgdJ56L6b&index=14 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acv7lTud4UM&list=PLUfZy5mymdKbHdyrtyTZyE6KOgdJ56L6b&index=11 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PggPfCaeWZo&list=PLUfZy5mymdKbHdyrtyTZyE6KOgdJ56L6b&index=24 (this was one of my all time favorite moments at a concert ever. In the Song there is a like 2 minutes gap, where you only can hear birds chirping and also the song is filled with the story they tell through the songs, so it means much. In cologne some people started singing another intense story related song during that break. It was so beautiful! (can’t find a video from cologne but the fans also did this in poland) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNUCeZC1PE4 And this is still crazy for me that they do that to end the show(i was close to them when they did this in hamburg, took some of that confetti with me at home 😄, that was so cool): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZAVMllysNI&list=PLUfZy5mymdKbHdyrtyTZyE6KOgdJ56L6b&index=28 So I had the best time 🙂 I’d love to experience it again 😊 I even almost booked tickets, a hotel, and a flight to London. But then I didn’t go through with it because I thought it would be irresponsible to spend that much money 🥲😒 Looking back, I’m like, 'Girl, just do it if it makes you happy!' Now there aren’t any tickets left, and those are the last two shows of the tour 🫤 but anyways I will never forget those two experiences 🙂 Also had some good food and time off the other days of vacation. How are you doing? _________________________________________________________________________________________________ so now the hard stuff: "Which one of you wants to stop? Is it Captain Kirk (emotional side) or Mr Spock (objective side)? Or IS IT BOTH OF THEM? If so - what percentage each?" It's Maybe 30% emotional. and Maybe 70 % objective. but it depends, sometimes the emotional percentage is also at 70% and on the verge of throwing in the towel, mostly when my dad and I had a discussion About future care/help/Solutions. "Why does he? Is it because he doesn't need to hire anyone (and spend money...home-visiting or live-in carers are expensive, you know that) when he gets your services for-free (and, being a bloke, can tolerate the dirt/mess)? Or is it because he wants and needs you around, emotionally (scared that you'll leave him once your mum passes)? Or maybe however-much of both?" It's the emotional side. I think he doesn't want to lose me. And it's because he gave up (he just accepts his and my mum's "fate"). That man should have needed some professional help as that all went down 2008 with my mum. In order to that my Father had to give up his Job, lost most of his social interactions/friends and then slowly (as the illness of my mother got worse and worse and she kept going into the psychic ward for weeks and Comes out like a Zombie full on meds, with no spur of the Person she once was) he isolated himself more and more. I think it was Maybe 2017 or so when we first spoke about all of what happened and how it both affected us, how we feel About losing her in that way, how he managed all that back then alone(without really professional help)... It wasn't easy for him to lose his wife, take care of that bit which was left and all the craziness and on top of that manage his rebellious daughter. (I had one single conversation with a psychiatrist back then, she wanted to check how i feel with all of this. I was scared of this whole situation and of them somehow, of course I was. I saw them fixate and sedate my mum as she was fighting and screaming for her life more than once in this psychic ward when we visited her. So when I went to that psychiatrist She only asked me if I´m okay with what my mum's illness is and how it affects our life. I just shrugged my shoulders and said "i don’t know, I think so", then she asked me if i do have some questions. I wanted to know if i can get that too, she said there is a big possibility that i will get that too. Then I was even more scared and was relieved as the conversation was over. That was the help I got at the time of the convo as a 14 year old child. So..I can imagine how much of a help my father got as an adult, zero.) "What strikes me as obvious, however, is that your father's choices are NOT REASONABLE NOR RATIONAL. How is that 'Compus mentis', CN? This, surely, is a case for your version of Social Services? Think of the health-risk to your already-poorly mother that the accumulating dirt poses as? And on her mental health when it comes to the household visual chaos?" Exactly, that's why I want him to do all of that, it also would get him better too. I mean - he's doing the cooking on what? A dirty stove/oven? acutally the kitchen and the bathroom are really clean, at least the things you come in contact most of the time... How come he isn't 'deeply ashamed' when it comes to you and your mother? Maybe i understand him there a little. I´m also ashamed but and thats the point i know it has to be done, so we have to do it. I think he´s too Deep in self-pity. "So your welfares are less important than what strangers or soon-to-become strangers (again) think - is that it? If he were ashamed, he'd do something about it." You´re right. I think it's also the long time he's been in this Situation. Maybe he's not ashamed of the Situation as itself, Maybe it's that it's been so Long and he did Nothing about it. Now, asking for or seeking professional help takes at least a few teaspoons of self-overcoming, I think. To “forgive” yourself for not having been “good enough”. Like also more a "those strangers will think i'm a bad Father/Husband". Of course this doesn’t justify anything, I know. but I can somehow understand him a little. “He 'reasons', 'rationalises' and 'justfies' exactly like Slinky, doesn't he. (Had you not noticed that?)” I noticed, but he wasn’t like this before he gave up on himself. Yes. And I suspect that's because this so-called Doctor has for too long proven that he doesn't give a toss about the obvious 'elephant in the room' going on here, courtesy of your father's lack of rationale or ability to make adult, intelligent decisions, PLUS the fact that the man is injured! ANY fool could see that this doctor should have organised home-help already (because your father can't cope even with YOUR help)! WHY HASN'T HE? Because my Father says he doesn't need help in the house and the doctor says he can't just do it without his consent. The Doctor also talked a lot of times with him, that it's needed. As I said, I did hire someone without his consent and he didn't let them in (I could not be there the second time, because of work and had the hope he would let her in, which he didn't, we tried a few more times but it didn't work out.) Then the doctor did the exact same thing after my father did once give his consent, the medical assistant at his office hired someone for him. Then it went like the time I did it. “HOW do you feel like that when it runs completely opposite to reality and concrete evidence? WHY do you feel like that when it completely opposes those things? You should be CROWING with self-pride! Do you see why I'm saying this?” No not really, I'm also an adult now and can’t get any of that shit done. I could have considered another doctor, but I didn't because I know my father will completely close up his stubborn stonewall…(Now it's absolutely no ideal situation but at least at a few things he starts to see that it can't longer be like that.) “I recommend that you tell YOUR doctor everything you've told me - and ensure the doctor knows that your father's doctor is aware of the set-up (that is NOT working and is depleting you whilst preventing you from healing as fast (and properly/permanently) as you could be, as well as from getting on with your own life (finally!).” I will consider that. “Could you enlist the help of your fiance's parents?” No, only his mother is still here but not in good health either. Even if she was, she's too far away. “It could be that your father is behaving like a Narc only because of the state he's in, of course. I don't know..that's why I said you need to think and go through 'the albums'... so that you can tell me: Has he always been as unreasonable and unrational as all this (even if just far more subtly in the past) or is this ridiculous (and frankly despotic!) attitude-into-behaviour something that's appeared only 'recently'? In the past he wasn’t like that as I said. But in my early childhood I was a full on mum child. My mum retired early because of an accident at work, so she was always there. My father was at work most of the time so I couldn’t get in such a deep relationship with him then with my mum…we did like I said when that happened with my mum. And also there he wasn’t like that at first. As he slowly progressed in isolating himself and giving up on himself, he started to show things like that. “...I think you (and Fiance) should consider speaking to a solicitor/lawyer regarding the pros and cons of making an application for getting Power Of Attorney. With control of the finances, you could then hire the level of help that your mother ACTUALLY NEEEEEEDS and SOD how your currently/permanently (passive/covertly) selfish and controlling feels about it!” We talked about that, but wanted to inform us once more at a local social station, to find maybe a solution where my father is d’accore with. “Tip: demand a salary that's far higher than you actually want. This sort of thing works with Narc fathers - e.g.: "Please can you lend me 100 Quid?.....(15 mins of begging followed by a cold refusal later)....... Aww? Well, what about just 60, then?".” I get money for the groceries and other stuff I buy for them. Whenever he has something left he gives it to me (they both don´t have much money). Also as he got a bigger Payment from some rent thing, I got a big amount of that money for my future as backup, I didn’t asked for it, he just gave it to me (i didnt want it in the first place, I told him he should keep it for themselves but he insisted I have to take it) “You don't know what happened, what caused this? Why not? It's absolutely your business to know! Why haven't you demanded your father tell you? What would happen if you did?” I asked him a lot about it. He always says he doesn’t know either. I think maybe something with my mum happened, maybe she showed early symptoms and did say or do something. But to be honest, I don’t care anymore. They left me AS A CHILD. It’s none of my business what kind of issue they have with him or my mother. They all know about the illness and stuff. Do you think anybody in my family even once asked me how I am all that time? I got ignored in town when I clashed into my aunt or uncle, like they didn't know me. Even till this day I'm none existent to them. (Oh well, one time I was…when my grandpa died they called me and told me that I could come to the funeral but only me, and only if i really wanted to, cause I wasn’t present either the last years before he died) And if you can do that to a child you have to be a massive asshole… so fuck them. “Does your own doctor know this?” Not in this detail but he is aware of her illness and the medication she takes and that she still gets in this state. He also knows that I take care for her and my father in some ways but also not in detail. “Is there a theme with the triggers?” No, it’s absolutely random. “"But I've also been German politicians or celebrities." Did you get the paycheck that goes with it, though. (Sorry - Black Humour...I'm having real trouble being in your shoes right now....woah... You have really minimised your situation(s), haven't you. Don't want to make a fuss, eh?)” Did say the same once to her :D made her shift out of it and we had a good laugh (this can also happen, i think i didn’t mention that. But this is a rare occurrence.)(also I builded a pretty good dark humor as well, through all of that. otherwise I had gone insane too) “"Rarely she really attacks my person." How many times? Please describe these events?” I can’t tell when the last time was. Maybe half a year ago, She got triggered (i think because I forgot something to bring for her and something I said got her triggered) and suddenly I was dead to her. She repeatedly phrased “CN is dead. I am not her mother, I never gave birth” and got really angry, screamed at me that I’m dead and adopted, that my father isn’t my father and that she regrets that she had me. (That repeats mostly when she attacks my person) So it doesn't happen that often anymore. Maybe it happens once a year. Back when it all started there were a lot of occasions. Like it happened on a regular basis, daily. One occasion I still have clearly in mind. When I was 13/14 I loved Avril Lavigne, my Room was plastered with posters of her, I dressed like her, I was her in mini :D also her music (even i didn’t understand everything back then. This song carried me through some really dark times back then: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-7WvNoKZDk and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4ar2VMu_2Q ) gave me some strength/was an anchor in that time also it was the first concert/Artist I went to, with my mum. So one day I came back from skipping School (When I first noticed something wrong with my mum I stayed at home to watch her secretly, because I was worried she would do something bad, I also was scared to tell my dad what I had noticed, he didn’t believe me I thought. After it all went downhill with her and everything got worse I stayed at a local river or in a park the whole school day, cause I didn't have the brain power to on top of all that shit learn things in school and be a normal teenager). So when I got back home my mum drew mustaches and glasses all over Avril’s face at the posters and said some really mean stuff to me, she also had thrown away or destroyed other things that were important to me, I can’t really recall that (I think my brain wants to protect me//Trauma). That made me so sad that I started crying while she threw words at me. I tried to reach my mum so badly that i tried to talk to her/ask her why she would say and do all of that, also screaming. I even begged that “monster” to give my mum back to me. At some point she started to push me around (i think it triggered her more, that I talked to her like that). I snapped and attacked her by screaming some not so nice things at her and pulling on her hair (I'm not proud of that). It ended with both of us pulling each other's hair for a while, I kicked her leg until she let me go. Then I locked myself in my room, ripped all the posters and cried for the whole night. That was the only intense/physical occurrence there ever was. “Is there a theme with the triggers?” No, it's really random. “So she's really far-gone, then?” jup, sometimes (when she gets in these repeated sayings or nonsense talking) you can’t reach her until she’s “finished” or you have to try repeatedly like “Mum? Mum? Hello? Mum? ‘her name’? Mum?” and then she reacts sometimes and stops. When she gets worried about me, that i’m hurt or that she hurt me, I can calm her down by hugging her, telling her everythings okay. “"but she was never a danger to others. She was admitted again once because she no longer wanted to eat and drink (she thought it was poisoned)" By whom? The rellies?” No, she thought my father or I or politicians put poison in her food and drinks. She also thought there were cameras in our house and that she’s being watched by the government. She went to the police to press charges against our then Minister of the Interior because she believed he was the mastermind behind her surveillance. That was the first time the whole situation came to light (to my father and authorities), because the police came to our home and searched for cameras. “PS: I'm betting your doctor does NOT know that she's been that violent with a 'knife' (scissors). Never mind that it was a footstool! Maybe next time it WON'T be - whether by-accident or another psychotic break! That alone is qualification for her being removed from the marital home and into a specialist care home for-sure because - maybe next time it WON'T be. Imaging the trouble your mother and father's doctor would be in if that happened.” That thing with the scissors happened maybe 2009 or so. Of course she went to the psychiatric ward again after that also because of that stabbing (danger to herself, in hurting herself with that scissor and also because she hadn’t drink and eaten anymore) Since she’s getting her recent meds there wasn’t any incident like that anymore.

(Same message to Balance) Eyup! I've been fighting to find time to log-on but, life kept getting in the bloody way again - including, I overdid it and injured my whole left arm AND LEG, fnuckisifibugAAAARGH! So this, typing, is a bit painful. Plus I'm on serious pain medicine so not quite with-it and would probably go off on tangents and muck about, LOL. However, the weekend is mine...ALL MINE, D'YA HEAR (*shakes fist at the sky*)!!! Cheers as always for your patience and understanding, mateys.

Hey, oh nooo! Get well soon! Take your Time! For the meantime I have a story to share for a little laugh (I hope it's not just funny for me): today was (once again) a very clumsy day for me... I walked home with my bike in one hand in the other my phone to send a voicemail to my fiance. I tripped into a hole in the ground, lost balance and fell, the bike on top of me. some people on the street were watching the whole scene. I didn't injure myself or something so everythings good, I got up and casually walked home like nothing happened. A bit later I wanted to meet my fiance after his shift at his workplace. So, I got on my bike. As I arrived there was a bench where I always sit and wait for him. So I drive next to that bench to park my bike, which is surrounded by some bushes and a little knockelshigh wall..... I wanted to get off my bike and got stuck with my shoe on the wall....so I fell straight into one of these bushes :D :D :D I didn't get hurt, just had some branches and leaves in my hair and pants when I crawled out :D :D some of the people outside of the workplace from my fiance noticed this and got really worried cause they thought I was crying, but i was laughing my soul out of myself :D :D :D So a nice lady walked over to me and asked if i'm okay, I said that everythings okay, but thats probably not my day today, still laughing :D Then a few minutes later two men walked past me, who also witnessed everything, and one of them said its the best when you can laugh about yourself, which I agreed. The other one said my stunt was a 9.5 out of 10 :D Then I lost it again and started laughing in tears :D :D see ya soon :)

Ahh, THANK-you for that reassurance and understanding, I really appreciate it. I am READING your stuff, it's just, finding time to respond while trying to keep the queue down and ensuring everyone's had ample advice before they pop off again - AND, holding my arm in the typing position. Because, yours and Balance's threads are the 'meatiest'...demand full-cylindry for deeper thought and considertion....far more nuance and grey areas to sort through. I hate doing a so-so job CUZ ARMA PER-FEK-SHON-IST, INNIT. And I'll need a good, solid, two hours to check-out all those links (slave-driver! ;p). So, yeah...thanks for that reprieve (exhales and removes hair shirt). See ya sooner!

" walked home with my bike in one hand in the other my phone to send a voicemail to my fiance. I tripped into a hole in the ground, lost balance and fell, the bike on top of me. some people on the street were watching the whole scene. I didn't injure myself or something so everythings good, I got up and casually walked home like nothing happened." Ooh, I say - look at Miss Confident! :D "and even cried out of joy when they played the Line and Jumpsuit." Wow. Sounds like the experience was truly, upliftingly spiritual for you! (How much was the ticket? Cheap even at twice the price, I imagine?) Here - didn't you get sprayed with hair-and-face sweat at the B stage? EWWWWW, lol. (Still an improvement on Slinky's hot-air, tho, lol.) (I will look at the links, first chance I get, but I really don't have time for 'telly' right now as, NOW, I'm preparing majorly for guests as well as still sorting house and garden problems that have cropped up (*runs over cartoon hill, yells, "aaaaaaargh!", runs back).) I’d love to experience it again 😊 I even almost booked tickets, a hotel, and a flight to London. But then I didn’t go through with it because I thought it would be irresponsible to spend that much money 🥲😒 Looking back, I’m like, 'Girl, just do it if it makes you happy!' Now there aren’t any tickets left, and those are the last two shows of the tour 🫤 but anyways I will never forget those two experiences 🙂"" YEEEAH, YA GREAT 'NANA! *It's your form of therapy* (like beaches are mine)...and it clearly works pretty instantly (as do beaches on me)! Damnit. Hang on, though... Aren't there shop and online outlets that sell unwanted tickets or last minute ones where the purchaserss can no longer fulfill the commitment (like when someone dies, a baby is born, hosital appt., having to last-min fly abroad...)? In fact, isn't it CALLED "Last Minute dot com"???...or am I going bonkers? Here - did you remember to wear foam earplugs? You watch your hearing with all those concerts, yeah (cluck-cluck)? When's their next tour, then? (Are you a member of their fan-club?) And was it really bonding between you and "Fee-Yon-Say"? (Like Beyonce, but no boobs....luckily.) __________________________ ""Which one of you wants to stop? Is it Captain Kirk (emotional side) or Mr Spock (objective side)? Or IS IT BOTH OF THEM? If so - what percentage each?" It's Maybe 30% emotional. and Maybe 70 % objective. but it depends, sometimes the emotional percentage is also at 70% and on the verge of throwing in the towel, mostly when my dad and I had a discussion About future care/help/Solutions." Ah! Then, that is not a demonstration of your feelings about caring for you mum (that part you're fine with). It's your frustrating trying to grab at the nearest thing to throw at him. That's different. Hmm... Do you think you could get a Carer's Allowance from the government? Otherwise - solicitor (Wills & Probate) for that PoA (Power of Attorney) so that you're free to hire the extra help (cleaner, for example). You could even hire a live-in housekeeper-carer. Some au-Pairs, those that want to learn the language, are willing to do that if carers are scarce or too expensive (dribbling babies is dribbling babies, innit). You'd just have to show them all the ropes first. It's time. Especially as you're buzzing and walking on air, still. Cash-in on that - I would? Irritatingly, that's all the time I have right now so I'll have to continue later. (Don't post again until I do, plizzies- ta.) Really-really pleased you had such a ball! Just what the doctor ordered! :)))) FUUUUUUUN! It doesn't necessarily fix things (tho it can?) but it gives you the turbo-shoes to tackle things yourself. PS: "Slinky WHO?" ;D

"PS: "Slinky WHO?" ;D" Slinky who texted me again!!! I'm so so sorry, I had to tell. I will wait (reflect, process this message) until you responded to all remaining posts. Don't feel any pressure or stress. I just saw that text and had to tell. That is a hell of a Rollercoaster of emotions right now.... See ya!

SHE'S TRIED TO HOOVER YOU! I was waiting for that. (And yes of course that's worthy of ignoring my request!) No, then - you go for it right now if you want. This takes priority over everything else, after all. We can chatter about the other stuff afterwards. Tell-me-tell-me-tell-me! :)))) (PS: Is it making you feel validated and vindicated?)

Alright, Here we go: Her message: Hi CN, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to you. I reacted very insensitively to your situation at the time and behaved childishly (emotionally driven). Now, with some distance, I recognize this mistake. In our friendship, we often discussed how each of us defines friendship for ourselves, and perhaps we simply have a point of conflict there that I need to accept. In this context, we could have talked about it differently... But my way of approaching this topic made that impossible. And I would like to apologize for this "approach." Why am I writing this... Firstly, something has changed in my life, and I now understand my past behavior more (no, I don't have cancer and I'm not seeking forgiveness 😅). Secondly, I don't want to part on bad terms. You were one of my closest friends for 10 years, and I don't wish you any harm. Maybe you won't answer—and that's okay—but it was still important to me to sincerely apologize to you for that part. My thoughts about that: It's - at first glance - a good Apology. But only at first glance. I see manipulation, the fishingline thrown out at the sea. And at least if there is some honesty/reflexion in it, a apology for her well beings/End things in a good way for her not for me. It's basically a basic Apology. It's missing detail to sound better and maybe to avoid emotional vulnerability. I have so many thoughts about that right now...but I'm at work and my break is over :D so share your thoughts I will be back later :)