Am I wrong? What should I do?

Me (31, female) and my friend (30, female) had a fight over text messages. Background: I am sine a year and a half and especially currently in bad health. I get my work done and some of my household tasks, but after that, I’m usually exhausted due to severe pain and other symptoms like dizziness, brain fog, and concentration problems, which can even lead to panic attacks. On weekends, I mostly prefer staying at home to recharge. During this time (oktober 24 to november 24), I had a lot of doctor's appointments, some even after work. Because of this, I didn’t actively reach out to her to make plans (basically to nobody). We hadn’t seen each other in person for about two months, but we regularly called and messaged to stay in touch, and sometimes we played online games together. We then arranged a meeting at Oktober 31st, but she canceled a day before because she was feeling too stressed. She had a valid reason, so I said, "Alright, let’s meet another time." On the day we were supposed to meet, I messaged her asking if she wanted to talk on the phone. She replied that she wasn’t home and had spontaneously decided to go to a Halloween party. I was a bit sad that she could go to a party spontaneously but couldn’t meet with me, but I didn’t say anything, it was not that big of a deal so I moved on. A few weeks later, she reached out to arrange another meeting. We messaged to find a date, she said she had plans for almost all the weekends in December, so she asked if we could meet after work. I explained that I’m usually in pain after work and that it would be easier for me if we could meet on a weekend. (I was really looking forward to seeing her in person after such a long time and didn’t want to meet her when i'm in pain or even have to cancel) She said she’d check one weekend to see if she was available. After a few days, she texted that she wasn’t free that weekend either. I then said i will check with my fiancé to see if he had plans for his birthday which was on Dec 22 because that weekend was the last time we were both available in December. At the time, my fiancé hadn’t planned anything for his birthday, and wasn't sure about having a party, so I waited for his decision. As already metioned we talked regularly on the phone. Most of the time about very personal stuff and the calls were also intense in time (1-3 hours) During a phone call, she even encouraged me to reach out to a therapist because my health issues were affecting my mental health too, so she knew I wasn’t doing well. The incident that led to the fight: Two days before it happened, my fiancé reminded me that we had booked a trip to a city for a concert months ago (this concert was my Christmas 2023 gift to him). I had completely forgotten about it, but I was happy to have something to look forward to, as I had been unable to do much on weekends for weeks due to my health. I felt a bit overwhelmed by the fact that we were going on this trip, as I had planned my week differently and now had to adjust everything, which caused me some stress. I wanted to talk to my friend after the trip to arrange a meeting and had already thought it would have to be after work no matter how my fiance decides about his birthday. The day came, and my fiancé and I traveled to the city by train (a 3.5-hour drive) on a Friday after work. I posted a picture of our journey on my social media story. The next day, while we were at breakfast, I got a message from my friend reacting to my post, saying something like, "But you can do this after work? 🤣". She deleted it immediately, but I had already seen it. I was surprised and offended by the comment. I couldn’t understand why she was upset and felt that the way she communicated was a bit rude. So, I replied, a little upset, saying, "Yes, this is possible because we planned a long time ago." I also explained that I never said I couldn’t meet after work; I only said it would be nice if we could meet on the weekend. And that I don't understand why she's so upset. Then she blocked me. (I couldn’t see her profile picture, but my fiancé checked, and he could still see it.) I sent another message trying to explain myself, saying it wasn’t meant to be mean, that I wanted to meet on a weekend because I didn’t want to cancel due to my pain. (At this point I was close to just call her, but didn't cause I was mad that she reaches out to me like that) After a few hours, I got a much longer text from her. She said she was sad that we hadn’t seen each other in so long and that she thought I wasn’t interested in meeting her because I hadn’t reached out to arrange anything. She mentioned that the planned meetings were canceled on both sides, but I wasn’t the one who initiated a new one. She also said she didn’t like playing the game we used to play together anymore and feels like i play it alone now more often. She expressed that she understood my health issues but felt fooled because I could go on this trip with my fiancé, where I could also be in pain, and yet our meeting was probably not going to happen until January next year, which made her sad. She was especially upset that she couldn’t tell me in person that she had gotten engaged, even though she had driven two hours to attend my engagement and even fought with another friend because of my engagement.(my fiance reached out to a few friends and asked for help with the plan he made to ask me) She wrote part of this very sarcastically and judgmentally. When I read her message, I was extremely hurt and confused. I didn’t understand why she was blaming me for everything, especially since she knew what I was going through health-wise. And regarding the engagement, I didn’t know she had said yes. How would I know? I would’ve made the effort, no matter how I was feeling, of i had known. Her message came while I was dealing with a panic attack I had in a shopping center (which was not caused by her, but by my health issues). I broke down in tears in the middle of the town, overwhelmed by the flood of emotions. I felt bad for a second, but I couldn’t understand why she didn’t share those things with me on the phone, especially the engagement news. That’s basically what I wrote to her in my response a few hours later (still was too mad to call her so i decided to write a polite message). I explained that I didn’t understand why she was blaming me for doing something with my fiancé on the weekend in weeks, apologized again for not reaching out more, and tried to explain that it wasn’t meant badly. I also mentioned that I had experienced a panic attack that day to show that I do things even when I’m in pain, and I explained that I hadn’t meant anything bad by wanting to meet on a weekend, and that I enjoyed the game, but it had nothing to do with her not liking it anymore. I said I wanted to contact her after the weekend to arrange a meeting after work, as there were no other options before the new year. Then I asked why she didn’t tell me on the phone that she was engaged. If she wanted to tell me in person, why didn’t she give me a hint that it was important so I could have been there, no matter what my health was like. I said I was so hurt by the fact that she was blaming me for everything and couldn’t communicate correctly (especially by being sarcastic, blocking me, and not calling to talk) that I didn’t want to talk about this right now and suggested we could talk in a few days when we were both more calm. I said that I wasn’t in the right mental state and that I was here for my fiancé’s gift, and I didn’t want to ruin the day. Then came her next response. She said that she didn’t want to be seen like that and accused me of gaslighting her, saying her feelings were not ridiculous. She added that she had nothing to do with my panic attack, and I shouldn’t blame her for it. She said the chat history would say otherwise, but she didn’t have the time or energy to prove it to me. She expressed that she was shocked and disappointed by my last message and wished me quick help for my health and mentioned that she needed space to think about her "perpetrator role." I just replied that I didn’t mean to imply she caused my panic attack, but I wanted to explain how I felt in my current situation, cause i think she doesnt understand me. I said that nothing she interprets in my actions was meant the way she felt and that I was also hurt by her texts. I mentioned I needed some time to process things, as I’m already on the edge due to my health and didn’t want to deal with any more stress right now. Then came her last Text which said:leave me alone now Since the fight at the end of November, we haven’t spoken, and I’m unsure what to do next. I’m deeply hurt that she doesn’t seem to understand my health struggles and has turned this situation into a bigger issue than it needed to be. I believe good friendships should be more forgiving, especially during tough times. Am I wrong? Should I reach out to her, or should I let things rest? Thanks for reading this ❤️

Step back a bit & see that yes you're correct; true friendships are more forgiving, but true friendships are about empathy & understanding in the first place. Your health issues demand that you basically have support from those close to you in your circle & if you don't have that support from them, then those people really aren't worth having around. You need people who you can trust to be there for you & people who give you confidence to deal with issues. Genuine people who don't confuse actual facts with bs & people who will respect you no matter what you're issue/s are. You'll go through life counting your TRUE friends on one hand but whether it's one or five, they'll have your back absolutely. Yep, you can sort this, but only if you guys talk face to face; but you need to take your thoughts a bit further & ask yourself if your friend has improved your quality of life since you've known her & has she contributed to your wellbeing just by having her in your circle? it's up to you whether you need someone in your life who will just judge you at the slightest hiccup, call you a gas lighter & then going by your post, discard you on the roadside.

Creative Nick, Again, as per your 'neighbouring' thread - I completely agree with Manalone. It's not you. Definitely her. She's acting like a typical, controlling/possessing/over-entitled Narc: *she* doesn't want you (apart from as her convenient Go-To, Backup girl), but she doesn't want anyone else to have you, either - in CASE she needs you. ALL on her terms. (Personal Butler-ing/Ladies' Maid-ing, anyone?) Can't get more gobsmackingly self-centred than that. (Present her with an invoice for services thus-far rendered. I would. ;p)

Check out WT's thread, "Jealous of best friend" (- not, actually...other way round). She's in your same boat: https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13611/jealous-of-best-friend

Thank you for your responses! Some time has passed now, and I've been thinking more about how I feel about this "friendship." I'm still very hurt and feel completely misunderstood. From time to time, I feel terribly lonely since she was the only close friend I had left and we were friends for like 10 years, so this hurts. (to most of my other close friends I lost touch with after finishing school, or we only see each other very, very rarely, like once a year or so) In the past, this kind of thing happened quite often, where she turned small issues into big ones. She also had disputes with other friends that ended in a similar way to ours now. I am a very peace-loving person and cannot stand it when others are feeling bad or when conflicts arise. So I always tried to make everything right for her, so that no arguments would arise over any nonsense or she wouldn’t get in a bad mood. If something didn’t go the way she would have liked, you could immediately tell that she was in a bad mood or that something was wrong, but you never found out by asking if everything was okay. She would always say that everything was fine. It was only weeks or months or even years later, in a long message full of pent-up anger and disappointment, that she would finally vent her frustration whenever something new came up that she didn’t like. For example, when I didn’t ask her a second time if she wanted to join a camping trip, after she had initially said that camping wasn’t her thing. Or even small decisions, like choosing a restaurant, became difficult when I suggested my own ideas or simply lead to be at the restaurant that she chose. Even the "conflict" about my engagement was a topic for a long time (apparently still for her), even though I assured her multiple times that I really appreciated her help and that she was there, and that we weren’t upset with her for not giving the other person a ride (because of the argument between the two of them). She thought we (my fiancé and I) were disappointed because, during a phone call, I mentioned that I found it a bit sad that the other person wasn’t there, but I didn’t mean it in the sense that my friend was to blame. I was just generally disappointed that the other person was arguing over something as simple as meeting halfway. I then explained this to her again, and I also told her that I didn’t want to focus on the fact that someone wasn’t there, because it was still a beautiful proposal and the people most important to me were present. After that, everything seemed fine until now, when her message, two years later, implied that I didn’t appreciate it and wouldn’t do the same for her (which I still can’t do if I don’t know that a proposal is happening or has happened...). I even made sure to watch what exactly I said to her in certain situations to avoid stepping on her toes. So that Narc thing could be true, but i don´t want accuse her to be one. But with having no contact at all right now, I found out that all of this really drained my energy. I have decided to just let it go for now. As I said, I’m still very hurt and I’m realizing more and more, also after reading the Thread which was mentoined, that we probably have different views on friendship. I don’t understand why, for example, she feels the need to weigh actions against each other. Of course, a friendship should be balanced, but you can’t constantly compare everything or expect the same actions from the other person all the time. Or even expect that everything always goes your way. I´m currently full focusing on my health and, as a result of hopefully improving health, on being able to participate more in life again. My fiancé is supporting me as hard as he can. Since I haven’t heard anything from her side either, I think she feels similarly in letting things go. I guess some more time will show how this ends.

As you call it, your so called friend is high maintenance & you're in no place to support her bs when your own health needs to come first. Going by your post, your fiancé is a solid, caring partner & he's the sort of support you need in your life. People like your 'friend' will always drift in & out of your life but with experience, you'll eventually learn to bypass those who will only drag you down with their dramas.

Yeah, he sounds like a diamond geezer to me. Your Nuh-nuh-nuh..-Fiend!... sounds Benign aka Classic. Creates consequences for herself - simply through you - which are of her own doing, not yours. You're then somehow in trouble with her, just from having reacted naturally in terms of your alternative, damage-limiting or forced choices. I could sum her up with this little pastiche: Her: Why didn't you ring me yesterday? You: What? Because it was your turn (or because you said you'd ring). Her: So why didn't you just ring when I didn't? (- thereby revealing it was a deliberate failure as a test, in aid of ego num-nums (re-inflation)) Er... because I concluded from that, that you must have got waylaid or something, were busy, so didn't think I should bother you? But if you were available, why did you not ring? Enter Gaslighting and Doubling-down on your being at-fault, even if her 'evidence' makes zero logical sense ("Narcissist - Word Salad"). All amounting basically to a ("Narcissist -) D.A.R.V.O": Deny/Defend, Attack (to) Reverse (roles of) Victim (and) Offender. Aka that meme that goes: Narcissists would have you believe that your reaction to their abuse is the problem, rather than their abuse itself. You're supposed to just go with it - put-up and shut-up. You don't (round of applause), you argue. AND make sense. You're good at thinking and keeping your head under-fire. I would bet serious money on your health improving, the longer you stay "Zero Contact". You've got one bestie already - your fiance. Now find more like him. Tip for making new friends: routinely go to your favourite-favourite kinds of places (e.g. mine are beaches and beachside venues, woodland walks with country pubs, pavement cafes for people watching). You're at your best and most attractive as a human-being when you're in the present moment and loving it...that Mona Lisa Smile. PS: Not honouring her promise to give your other guest-friend a lift to your engagement party, based on nothing but Her-Her-Her feelings and refusal to put them aside for yours and your fiance's sake, was atrocious! An actual Dealbreaker. You cannot GET more selfish and self-centred AND over-entitled than that (like SHE gets to decide!). You call her what you want but I know what she is - and so do you, albeit that, you haven't had the freedom until lately to face it and realise. Understandable. There's the Bond (glue) as well as Cognitive Dissonance to undo ("she's decent-reasonable-normal...she's foul-unreasonable/irrational-abnormal...normal...nutjob...normal...nutjob / loves me, loves me not, aaargh!"). Google "Narcissist - Jekyll & Hyde". She giant-ticks every box and isn't even subtle about it (or not with you any,way) (treats everyone else better, does she?...unless she's trying to compete and win by taking the unilateral, executive decision to exclude a friend of yours that in whatever ways threatens her ego and games). Me, as you can't get more over-entitled and self-important, ("Narc-) self-aggrandising" than that - I'd have told her she either got straight back in her car to go collect this other friend - OR pay for her taxi - or to forget the whole idea of attending herself. PPS: Don't go anywhere because: "Since I haven’t heard anything from her side either, I think she feels similarly in letting things go. I guess some more time will show how this ends." Nuh-nuh-nuh-NAH. She's doing The Silent Treatment. You're supposed to crack first and contact. If- sorry - WHEN you fail to, that's when she'll find whatever way of trying to ("Narc -) Hoover" you. The only thing SHE wants you to let go of is your (healthy, self-caring and -advocating) attitude. Your strength of mind. You have NO IDEA of the incredible extent to which these people make you ill or iller (not until your neurology, chemistry and immune system finally get the time and space to un-mangle themselves - google Rhonda Freeman (neurobiologist) to read up on what they do to your mind then body - or the bestseller "The Body Keeps The Score"). You soon will, though... by how rapidly you start- sorry, CONTINUE to improve. You'll also, with this space and safety to think (now't to lose now), start remembering more and more crimes and misdeameanours. Feel free to record/report them here. :) (You can just call her Tricksie if you like?)

how dare she rip your heart out like that! i get it, actually. she got jealous and acted out irrationally. thanks for painting such a clear picture. i wouldn't blame you to attempt reestablishing contact because those whom we mesh well are hard to find. companionship for those with health concerns... but i wouldn't. i feel her to be controlling and the way she blackmailed you with rude comments could only have worsened your conditions. in truth even the most well adjusted would have lost their composure.

Any update, CreativeNick? How's your health since you last posted?

Thanks for asking, it's OK. I'm sometimes better, sometimes worse. I have untreated scoliosis that has been causing me ll that symptoms. Since I was 13 I've had chronic pain due to my scoliosis that gets now worse depending on how I'm feeling that day. I've been on a sports program in a medical fitness studio for almost a month now and I'm also getting physical therapy. I've also applied for rehab. And I'm trying to incorporate exercises at home and at work to alleviate my pain and symptoms a little. Unfortunately, I've already been through a few doctors who have sometimes misdiagnosed me, so now that I've finally found a doctor who takes me seriously, I still have to have a few MRIs done so that I know exactly what's wrong with me. So I'm trying a lot to improve my condition :) About Tricksie (:D) she contacted me again about a concert we wanted to go to together in like a month, about the tickets. After I hadn't replied for two days because I wanted to check with my fiancé whether he wanted to give my ticket to a friend and then go to the concert, she sent me a message saying that it was ridiculous that I was accusing her of blocking me and not replying now (I thought that was funny because she indirectly admitted that she had really blocked me). Then she wrote that she is the kind of person who likes to settle unpleasant things quickly and that I still owe her a lot of money for another concert. I then wrote back that we should now settle things objectively and that she is welcome to sell the tickets because we won't find anyone who would take the tickets so quickly. And that she will get her money from the other tickets as soon as I get it refunded. She then suggested offsetting the tickets so that I still owe her €14. I transferred the money to her, after she told me that the tickets were sold and that was it. I don't want anything to do with her in the future at all. I thought of a lot of other things that happened. But it's no use for me to go into it here :) If she contacts me again at some point, I'll tell her that I don't want any more contact. I'm still hurt and very angry, but I know now that I won't get involved in anything like that again. Thank you for replying and make things a little clearer for me :)

Hey again! And - thank-you for thanking us - you're very, very welcome. :) "Thanks for asking, it's OK. I'm sometimes better, sometimes worse." Up and down, then...never know if it's going to be an okay day or hell-on-a-stick. (Sounds like life with a narc.) "I have untreated scoliosis that has been causing me ll that symptoms. Since I was 13 I've had chronic pain due to my scoliosis that gets now worse depending on how I'm feeling that day." Why on earth, 'untreated'? Do you have a brace? Are you wearing it? "I've been on a sports program in a medical fitness studio for almost a month now and I'm also getting physical therapy." Oh GOOD! "I've also applied for rehab." Well done! You're mentally perfectly functioning, then? (Same reason Narcichops up there could never get the better of you... that rare ability/skill to still think intelligently under-fire or serious pressure.) "And I'm trying to incorporate exercises at home and at work to alleviate my pain and symptoms a little." CALLANETICS! The exercises are designed deliberately so that it's impossible to include your back. Plus, all you do is get into a position and then jig a bit (meaning, once you have them down by-heart, you can do them on the living-room carpet while watching telly. Not only that but you VERY quickly end up with a figure-skater's figure, all stretched-out and elegant (and that's after only 10 sessions of one hour...or 15 minutes at-a-time if you prefer). Another tip: every time you make a cuppa, do it with your bum clenched (pelvic muscles). Pretty soon it'll become a habit you don't even think about (- you've got enough to think about, eh!). "Unfortunately, I've already been through a few doctors who have sometimes misdiagnosed me," Urrrrch. (Strike above question - THIS is why!) "so now that I've finally found a doctor who takes me seriously," Ah, well, then - that calls for this!....(enjoy)... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRhjWdr-LAA "I still have to have a few MRIs done so that I know exactly what's wrong with me. So I'm trying a lot to improve my condition :) " YES. YOU. ARE. (Gold Star on your clever forehead - THLUP!) You're a Fighter (Warrior), not a Flighter, Fawner or Freezer (WHEN not still tied in a narc straitjacket, avec gag, obvs; they get you over a sodding barrel, don't they!). "About Tricksie (:D)" Well, as she's (either genuinely or as an aversion ploy) incredibly thin-skinned despite doesn't deserve to be and has no basis, YET incredibly IN-sensitive where the other person is concerned - really, we could go further and make it, Fifi Tricksiebelle) (sorry Bob Geldof lol). "she contacted me again about a concert we wanted to go to together in like a month, about the tickets." You mean, SINCE?...i.e. has tried a Hoover?...a "nothing happened around here, folks" tactic? (Google "Narc Hoover - pressing the Reset Button"). "After I hadn't replied for two days because I wanted to check with my fiancé whether he wanted to give my ticket to a friend and then go to the concert," "I'd have just said, 'To be honest, I'm not sure I want to spend an evening with someone who seems to want to pretend nothing's wrong when everything is?') " she sent me a message saying that it was ridiculous that I was accusing her of blocking me and not replying now (I thought that was funny because she indirectly admitted that she had really blocked me)." YyyyUP! I've got a story like that one, where, in their rush to (twistingly, gaslightingly) prove their innocence they inadvertently revealed worse and landed themselves even deeper in it....Whoops, own goal! "Then she wrote that she is the kind of person who likes to settle unpleasant things quickly" As above - Shove it under the rug to avoid consequences by avoiding 'standing trial', more like....as, for her information, makes her nothing LIKE "a person"! And anyway - so what! Who died and made HER the despotic boss of you?! In a normal, i.e. *equal* friendship (which is what they can't tolerate), it's a compromise between what one likes and the other likes! So there's another slip-up of a confession she's made: she is not qualified for friendship....Hmmm...in which case, she might be a mild Narc-Sociopath...no finesse, TRY to be covert but fail...and other things 'n stuff, so rely on love-bombing, distraction, word-salading to take you off-aim.) "and that I still owe her a lot of money for another concert." Oh yeah? "I then wrote back that we should now settle things objectively and that she is welcome to sell the tickets because we won't find anyone who would take the tickets so quickly. And that she will get her money from the other tickets as soon as I get it refunded." Oooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hooooooo! Get you! Hahahaha!! I llllike it! 'The worm has turned' and I was right - it has huge fangs! (THLUP!) Quite right too. 'YOOOU created it - YOU clean it up!'. (Have another one: THLUP!) Oh, yeah, you're going to fall off your chair as the months unfold and you 'miraculously' make significant improvements - definitely. "She" Mmmmmmm....'It', really (but I digress)... "(She) then suggested offsetting the tickets so that I still owe her €14. I transferred the money to her, after she told me that the tickets were sold and that was it. I don't want anything to do with her in the future at all." Woah! Wasn't expecting that! (THLUP-THLUP-THLUP!) Blimey, you're not just a 'barrister', you're a Weeble! (Youtube: "Weebles wobble but they don't fall down") "I thought of a lot of other things that happened. But it's no use for me to go into it here :)" Well, it's the opposite, actually. It really-really helps when you get those weak moments...those Grief Waves, crashing in seemingly out of nowhere - to have her Rap Sheet instantly to-hand, to rev your strength (via anger/indignation) up again. Try it, Sam-I-Am, you might like Ranty Eggs n Ham. :) Also, you'd be doing your readers/lurkers a huge favour because they'll be able to identify their own narc, as in, 'OMG, my ex-friend did and said almost exactly the same thing! So it's NOT me!'. The offer's there. :) "If she contacts me again at some point, I'll tell her that I don't want any more contact." Crowd chimes: YEEEAHHHHH! DAMN RIGHT! YOU GO, GIRL! "I'm still hurt and very angry," COURSE you are! If you weren't, I'd assume there had to be something wrong with you and be calling for Matron! " but I know now that I won't get involved in anything like that again." THLUP! There are definite upsides to being used to ignoring pain and doing it (the right thing) anyway, eh. (Had you realised that already?) "Thank you for replying and make things a little clearer for me :)" Thank yourself. It was all your idea, haha! Me, I just know too much and love the sound of clicking keyboard keys, haha (joke). PS: Fourteen Quid to get rid of her. That's cheap for a Narc. What with finally finding your medical match - plus your lovely fiance (albeit that he's obviously a blokie bloke, hence you needed an extra supporter) - somebody up there obviously likes you. :) ...but just wanted you to spend time pumping your mental muscles to compensate for your (temporarily) weakened ones. (I'm not religious but I am spiritual, and have TOO MUCH proof - including with witnesses - that Fate is real.) Very proud of you, missus. :))))

Hey, you gave me some good laughs with the video and the reference to Weeble :D "Why on earth, 'untreated'? Do you have a brace? Are you wearing it?" Well, no :D when I was diagnosed (at 13) my parents left it up to me to decide whether I wanted to do something about it or not. According to the doctor, I definitely needed a brace. The X-ray back then scared me so much that I didn't want to deal with it (until now), and a bit there was also the typical rebellious teenage mentality. Shortly afterwards my mother became mentally ill, which is why I have generally put my health/needs on the back burner since then, to help my mum and dad and of course to manage to deal with all that shit (sorry) that came at me at that young age. At that time the pain wasn't quite as bad, more occasional and therefore quite bearable. So in short, no, I don't have a brace and generally haven't really done anything about it up to now, unfortunately. After the pain suddenly became significantly worse and all that new symptoms showed, I've been running from doctor to doctor for the last 2 years. Sometimes they said "take these strong tranquilizers if you ever feel like something is wrong with you again and you want to call an ambulance" or "you can sometimes imagine things" in relation to my dizziness and pain. Another classic was "you're too young for anything serious, you only have mild scoliosis" or "yes, it can't really be caused by the scoliosis/spine, just do some exercise". None of them wanted to order an MRI, even though I asked several times, because i had the feeling that there must be something wrong besides my scoliosis. But finally a doctor took me seriously. Yesterday I had the long-awaited MRI of my cervical spine. It turned out that I have a slipped disc and three that are close to it. In addition, my thoracal scoliosis is more severe than the last orthopedic doctor said; instead of 26°, it's 40°... in my lumbar spine, pretty much every disc is bulging and some early, mild arthrosis and osteochondrosis, lumbar lordosis and cervical spine lordosis have also been diagnosed. It could all be worse, but that's enough for me :D but yeah, as always step by step, it will be fine at the end :) "You mean, SINCE?...i.e. has tried a Hoover?...a "nothing happened around here, folks" tactic?" yes, that was the first contact since November last year and her message was word for word "Hi, I saw that the concert is at the end of March, what's it like?" I also thought that she was now acting as if nothing had happened in order to give me the deciding ball so that I have to decide where our "friendship" is going. From her perspective, she hasn't done anything wrong, so in her opinion she doesn't need to apologize to me, but I have to apologize to her. (I'm very sure that's what she thinks) But the "sorting out unpleasant things quickly" thing is also true and I think that was the main reason why she wrote to me, because I still owed her money for the other concert. I had already thought about the fact that this concert was still on the cards. If it had been up to me, she could have given the tickets away, buried them, burned them. I wouldn't have cared. I would have simply never written to her again. Of course I would have transferred the money for the other tickets to her as soon as I had the money, as we had agreed before the argument, and that would have been it. "The offer's there. :)" The other concert that we wanted to go to together and for which I owed her the money is a good example of what else has happened. There is also more about my proposal but that is a really long story... So, the band Twenty One Pilots that we wanted to see together is my absolute favorite band (I really love them and owe a lot to them/their music), she also likes/liked the band very much, i knew she didnt listen to them quiet much like back then but we have been to one of their concerts together before (where it also turned out that she doesn't like the pit very much, it was her first pit concert and she didnt like it because it was sweaty and tight, you couldnt see the stage and someone stepped on her foot). As I said, I have a lot of connections to this music and I was extremely happy when a tour was announced and immediately bought tickets for the pit (because I love the pit, im used to heavy metal crowds and wall of deaths :D) When I told her that i had tickets, I immediately tried to justify myself and explained to her why I had bought tickets just for me and my fiance without asking her if she wanted to come with us, because I had already expected that she might be angry/disappointed. She said everythings fine, i doubed it. I wanted to go to a second concert with seats anyway, in case I couldn't enjoy the concert in the pit because of my back, so I asked her next time we phoned if she wanted to come with us for a seated one. She and her fiancé wanted to come with us, so I bought the tickets. Shortly before our argument (maybe a few weeks before), she sent me a voice message saying that they had both listened to the new album and didn't like the music that much. They would rather not come with us, but only if I wasn't too angry/sad. If I really wanted them to come with us (we maybe wanted to make it a couple's weekend trip, so it wasn't just about the concert), they would go with us. Well, I didn't really want them to come if they didn't want to, why should I? :D I told her that its okay when they dont want to go and that im not mad or sad about it and that i will sell the tickets for them. Like a few hours later the tickets were sold and i messaged her to tell her. After that I had the feeling that something was up..... well i guess i was on the right track there :D "There are definite upsides to being used to ignoring pain and doing it (the right thing) anyway, eh. (Had you realised that already?)" Definitely! Thats how i manage life since ever. i´ve been trough some tough stuff and I know i'm impressively strong (self-praise stinks), but sometimes i forget that :D "somebody up there obviously likes you. :) ...but just wanted you to spend time pumping your mental muscles to compensate for your (temporarily) weakened ones. (I'm not religious but I am spiritual, and have TOO MUCH proof - including with witnesses - that Fate is real." :D if there is somebody up there, i hope so :D Yeah im with you, i dont believe in a god or some religion either. But i also definitely believe that Karma and Fate could be real. "Very proud of you, missus. :))))" Thanks :)

(Just bumping you up)

"Hey, you gave me some good laughs with the video and the reference to Weeble :D" Ah, good. Good sign if you've still got your SOH. "Why on earth, 'untreated'? Do you have a brace? Are you wearing it?" Well, no :D when I was diagnosed (at 13) my parents left it up to me to decide whether I wanted to do something about it or not. " HUH???? "According to the doctor, I definitely needed a brace. The X-ray back then scared me so much that I didn't want to deal with it (until now), and a bit there was also the typical rebellious teenage mentality." Yuh - that's why you get given parents. So that THEY can make that adult-executive decision. You weren't qualified. Were they very liberal? "Shortly afterwards my mother became mentally ill, which is why I have generally put my health/needs on the back burner since then, to help my mum and dad and of course to manage to deal with all that shit (sorry) that came at me at that young age." What with - depression? Do you know what brought it on? "At that time the pain wasn't quite as bad, more occasional and therefore quite bearable." Again - that's what parents are there for.... to explain to you that it's bearable NOW but the point of the brace is so that it doesn't rapidly deterioriate. Do you suppose your mum was already a bit 'out to lunch' at that point, and your dad used to leaving health stuff completely to her to preside over? Are they still together? How IS your mum these days? "So in short, no, I don't have a brace and generally haven't really done anything about it up to now, unfortunately." Seriously - I cannot-CANNOT recommend Callanetics ENOUGH for your condition! "After the pain suddenly became significantly worse and all that new symptoms showed, I've been running from doctor to doctor for the last 2 years. Sometimes they said "take these strong tranquilizers if you ever feel like something is wrong with you again and you want to call an ambulance" (Great...) "or "you can sometimes imagine things" in relation to my dizziness and pain." (Ohhh eff-off, you neglectful basstd) (- sorry back haha!) "Another classic was "you're too young for anything serious, you only have mild scoliosis"" (Duuu-uu-uuuuuh?! Yeah, right NOW I do, yeah - duuuuuh?) "or "yes, it can't really be caused by the scoliosis/spine, just do some exercise". (Just resign.) "None of them wanted to order an MRI," Too expensive each time. (You're in America, right?) "even though I asked several times, because i had the feeling that there must be something wrong besides my scoliosis. But finally a doctor took me seriously. Yesterday I had the long-awaited MRI of my cervical spine." Finding someone VOCATIONAL and thereby dedicated can be harder than trying to find your lifelong romantic partner, eh! Anyway - bless him. (Once you see distinct improvements, you'll have to invite him to your wedding day to say thanks, eh.) "It turned out that I have a slipped disc and three that are close to it." THREE?! Oh, jeezuz! "In addition, my thoracal scoliosis is more severe than the last orthopedic doctor said; instead of 26°, it's 40°... in my lumbar spine, pretty much every disc is bulging and some early, mild arthrosis and osteochondrosis, lumbar lordosis and cervical spine lordosis have also been diagnosed. It could all be worse, but that's enough for me :D but yeah, as always step by step, it will be fine at the end :)" OMG, what kind of chronic pain have YOU been in for years and years?!?! Do you think you might have any cases for Negligence there? ...Talking of negligence: "You mean, SINCE?...i.e. has tried a Hoover?...a "nothing happened around here, folks" tactic?" yes, that was the first contact since November last year and her message was word for word "Hi, I saw that the concert is at the end of March, what's it like?" I also thought that she was now acting as if nothing had happened" DEFINITELY. "in order to give me the deciding ball so that I have to decide where our "friendship" is going." Or WHETHER... Her banking-on it being a Yes. And therefore, if ever you complained again, she'd pull that - 'Well, I thought we were already OVER, but then YOU said X', crap. (Entire Narc back-to-front/upside-down attitudes as dictate their M.O.: "Hit or be hit/Dump or be dumped" and "She/he who cares least, wins!") "From her perspective, she hasn't done anything wrong, so in her opinion she doesn't need to apologize to me, but I have to apologize to her. (I'm very sure that's what she thinks)" Could be. Or (worse, she's AWARE of what she is) could just be part of her contrived-behavioural package/manipulation tactics. I rather think that, her acting like nothing had happened (which isn't credible, given she's not mentally retarded), says it all: I'm going to pretend so that I escape consequences and having to eat humble pie and apologise. (Part of having an emotional slave is, you don't ever have to apologise or atone.) "But the "sorting out unpleasant things quickly" thing is also true and I think that was the main reason why she wrote to me, because I still owed her money for the other concert." Nah. It was to test you out....take your temperature....see - HAD she got away with behaviour THAT shoddy or were you NOT desperate enough to be a good little slave, and say nothing, just take it, after all? "I had already thought about the fact that this concert was still on the cards. If it had been up to me, she could have given the tickets away, buried them, burned them." Shoved them up her ASk no questions, tell no lies, I saw a Policeman doing up his FLIES are a nuisance, wasps are worse, and that is the end of my naughty little verse. (Haha - remember that one at school?...'Down in the jungle in the green green grass'?) "I wouldn't have cared. I would have simply never written to her again. Of course I would have transferred the money for the other tickets to her as soon as I had the money, as we had agreed before the argument, and that would have been it." Well, you're a true lady for having done the right thing (even if just for your own sake and standards), that's for sure. Many would have told her to eff-off, that they were keeping the money because, well, they wanted to have got SOMETHING out of that long-running 'whatever-it-was'. ""The offer's there. :)" The other concert that we wanted to go to together and for which I owed her the money is a good example of what else has happened. There is also more about my proposal but that is a really long story" I'll make a coffee... Got it... "So, the band Twenty One Pilots that we wanted to see together is my absolute favorite band (I really love them and owe a lot to them/their music)," Never heard of those? Lemmie have a google... Ooh, I like that! (Haha - 'My name's Blurry-face and I care what you think'! Love it!) ...Yeah, I REALLY like that!.... Like his voice, too. Cheers! :) I'll pop the link in for everyone else: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXRviuL6vMY (50p each, please, thank-you). So..... Do you relate to those lyrics? "she also likes/liked the band very much, i knew she didnt listen to them quiet much like back then but we have been to one of their concerts together before " What's this? The Narc SWORE she liked or had grown to like the same music as you? Gosh, that's new! Google: Narcissistic friend - mirroring the victim (part of Love-Bombing). "(where it also turned out that she doesn't like the pit very much, it was her first pit concert and she didnt like it because it was sweaty and tight, you couldnt see the stage and someone stepped on her foot)." Hahahahaha! Karma didn't waste any time THERE, then! (Complained all the way through, did she?) "As I said, I have a lot of connections to this music and I was extremely happy when a tour was announced and immediately bought tickets for the pit (because I love the pit, im used to heavy metal crowds and wall of deaths :D)" You sound like our previous poster, Nav! "When I told her that i had tickets, I immediately tried to justify myself and explained to her why I had bought tickets just for me and my fiance without asking her if she wanted to come with us, because I had already expected that she might be angry/disappointed." Oh, did you not? Interesting... "She said everythings fine, i doubted it." Correct! Not that she HAD any right to expect to be invited out with your and your romantic partner to begin with, the cheeky ucker ('cept Swat Narcs Do (over-entitled, acting like you're constantly obliged to them, and have to the centre of attention whilst you have to be positively addicted to them or else there'll be trouble)). Haha...I'd have said: Well, the pair of us have always fancied secretly have sex in amongst the crowds at a concert so we figured you might want to sit this one out?...(or dya wanna start sleeping in the middle of our bed every night 'n all?) Let's change her name from Trixie to Iona. (Geddit? That's clearly what she thought where you were concerned....Giving you gyp for not inviting her to absolutely anything and everything you did, jeez....). Always subtly competing with your Fiance, was she? "I wanted to go to a second concert with seats anyway, in case I couldn't enjoy the concert in the pit because of my back," (That's what happens when you've had a Monkey on it for years.) "so I asked her next time we phoned if she wanted to come with us for a seated one. She and her fiancé wanted to come with us," SHE'S got a Fiance??? Question: who got engaged first? "so I bought the tickets. Shortly before our argument (maybe a few weeks before), she sent me a voice message saying that they had both listened to the new album and didn't like the music that much. They would rather not come with us, but only if I wasn't too angry/sad." After enough time had passed that obviously you'd have already bought the tickets. Mm-hm. I imagine that was her typically-petty Narc revenge for the non-invitation that she 'was fine' with. (What was the time lag between those two events, btw?) And never MIND if you weren't too angry/sad. She should have checked first, whether you'd already bought the tickets and, if you had (duuh), SAID NOTHING. ALSO - how's about listening to album BEFORE saying she wanted tickets! That too intelligent for her? Yeah, that smacks of deliberate to me. (See how petty-yet-not-petty they are? It also ceases being petty once you've had years of that shite.) "If I really wanted them to come with us (we maybe wanted to make it a couple's weekend trip, so it wasn't just about the concert), they would go with us. Well, I didn't really want them to come if they didn't want to," EEEEEX-actly! AND SHE KNEW THAT. She knew darn well. But again - we'll come if you WANT us to. (1) Fishing for compliments (litmusing your keenness-on-her level, aka taking your temperature) and (2) pushing her own responsibility onto YOU so that if it were the wrong decision, only you would be to-blame. "why should I? :D" Oh - haha! That's 'why'. Pathetic, isn't it. There's mealy-minded and then there's THAT. (Perpetually-Seething Kid In Grown-Up Suit - behaviour to-suit.) "I told her that its okay when they dont want to go and that im not mad or sad about it" OOPS!, hahahaha! (Note, that wouldn't normally be an Oops. But it is with a Narc because YOU'RE NOT BUTTERING THEM UP.) "and that i will sell the tickets for them. Like a few hours later the tickets were sold and i messaged her to tell her." Oops-OOPS!, hahahahahahahaha! "After that I had the feeling that something was up..... well i guess i was on the right track there :D" Yeah - no, shit, Sherlock! HAHAHAHAH! (Reading at that point: 'She who cares least' is the person who's supposed to be my Number 1 (obsessive) Fan! Best I put her back in her place!') "There are definite upsides to being used to ignoring pain and doing it (the right thing) anyway, eh. (Had you realised that already?)" Definitely! Thats how i manage life since ever. i´ve been trough some tough stuff and I know i'm impressively strong (self-praise stinks), but sometimes i forget that :D" Doctor: How are your pain levels, lately? You: Well, it's not as painful as a Narcissist. Self-praise doesn't stink. Self-praise that isn't true nor warranted (or highly inappropriate) is what stinks. Diff/all the diff. "somebody up there obviously likes you. :) ...but just wanted you to spend time pumping your mental muscles to compensate for your (temporarily) weakened ones. (I'm not religious but I am spiritual, and have TOO MUCH proof - including with witnesses - that Fate is real." :D if there is somebody up there, i hope so :D" Looks like it? I mean, you're relatively unscatched, all things considered? Have a think....Do you suppose she saw you - taming, training (with a view to mentally incarcerating) you - as a challenge in the beginning? "Yeah im with you, i dont believe in a god or some religion either. But i also definitely believe that Karma and Fate could be real." Probably why it likes you. :) "Very proud of you, missus. :))))" Thanks :)" De nada! You (when left in-charge of your own devices) don't mess around, do ya?

"Yuh - that's why you get given parents. So that THEY can make that adult-executive decision. You weren't qualified. Were they very liberal?" Yes, I know they failed as parents in this case. But given the circumstances that immediately followed, I can't blame them. My mother was already ill at the time, it just wasn't really noticeable. When we left the doctor's office, my mother asked me: "The x-ray picture hanging there, was that yours? Definitely not!...It can't be as bad as he says. Do you want to wear the thing he mentioned?" I said: "I don't know, he said it was mine...No, I don't want to." and then we never talked about it again. I had a good childhood and my parents were always very caring up until that point. My mum suffers from paranoid schizophrenia. It was a really really really tough time and sometimes still is. My parents are still together. My mother will never be the women i knew, but shes okay with the medication she takes right now. "Too expensive each time. (You're in America, right?)" no, i´m from germany. that was medical gaslighting at its finest. When i told my medical story the last doctor i went to, she just rolled her eyes and said "dont worry, we will do MRIs, that should have been done already by those symptoms you´re showing." inside I screamed I KNOW!!! THANK YOU!!! :D "OMG, what kind of chronic pain have YOU been in for years and years?!?! Do you think you might have any cases for Negligence there?" Fortunately, I haven't really felt the basic pain for a long time, it's now my “I feel normal”. When the severe pain came along, I was useless without ibuprofen 800 mg and Novalgin 500 mg 4 times a day. And even with that I still had pain. Yes, I think it was very negligent of the doctors not to take me seriously. Unfortunately, that is often the case in our overburdened health system. "Never heard of those? Lemmie have a google...Ooh, I like that! (Haha - 'My name's Blurry-face and I care what you think'! Love it!)" Twenty One Pilots' music often deals with deep and emotional themes such as mental health issues, anxiety, self-doubt, identity and societal pressures. Their songs often reflect personal struggles, but also hope and the search for meaning in life. The song you found is one of their more commercially successful hits. They have been telling a story within the songs and music videos since the album Blurryface. it's all quite complex but basically they have created their own world in which the story that is being told takes place.(quick fill in to the story: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozlHHR_eSxc The listeners/fans are regularly involved in discovering new elements of the story as they are usually hidden in puzzles. The songs can be interpreted in different ways and Tyler always manages to make the songs suitable for the story as well as for other meanings. The music found me at a time when I was almost at rock bottom. Life was simply exhausting at that time and I was on the verge of just giving up. since then this band has accompanied me, in good times and bad :) if you're interested, here are a few songs that go a little deeper than stressed out, I´ll pick one from each album: Isle of flightless birds: this is a older song, from the first album before they became famous. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CHXfuGXM1Gg Car Radio: hard choice, i love the album vessel. Every song is amazing but car radio will always be my favorite. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4EuVOMQyXk&list=PLoDAYWBKduzh5L8ISW_etHN0fBdzB_HRg&index=5 Polarize: its from the album Blurryface, which was their breaktrough world wide. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MiPBQJq49xk&list=PL3roRV3JHZzZd6SeYqYhPFFOm5pBlAQWg&index=9 Cut my Lip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRwXUzHpHIc&list=PL3roRV3JHZzYrywUGDSoIeF7J9P4sWIba&index=10 Choker: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sBRnnnZyFw Oldies Station: Tyler wrote that song for the fans. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBE_2sHDt4E And last but not least this masterpiece: The Line (I absolutely adore this version of the song) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTCjLglvnf8 "(Complained all the way through, did she?)" She did... "SHE'S got a Fiance???" Yeah, she also accused me of that in the argument—that she hasn’t been able to personally tell me for two months that she’s now engaged, but back then for my proposal, she traveled so far for me and even argued with “some dumb girl.” But I didn’t know that the big question had been asked. Her fiancé didn’t let me in on it... "Question: who got engaged first?" So, My fiancé and I got engaged first. "I imagine that was her typically-petty Narc revenge for the non-invitation that she 'was fine' with. (What was the time lag between those two events, btw?)" Yeah, I think so too. Although the time frame is definitely long. Maybe it was something else that didn’t sit right with her. I bought the tickets in June 2024. The album came out in May 2024 and at the End of October/ beginning of November 2024 she told me that she didn´t want to go. "ALSO - how's about listening to album BEFORE saying she wanted tickets! That too intelligent for her?" Yes, exactly! (Well, I wanted to get it done quickly, as there were only a few tickets left) BUT I don't know any artist who only plays new songs - there are always a few old ones in the set anyway. ""I told her that its okay when they dont want to go and that im not mad or sad about it" OOPS!, hahahaha! (Note, that wouldn't normally be an Oops. But it is with a Narc because YOU'RE NOT BUTTERING THEM UP.)" I knew I was stirring things up by reacting that way. I did it anyway because I’m tired of it. I knew exactly that what she really wanted to hear was, "Ohhh nooo, please, please come! Without you, it would be soooo awful, I was so excited!" But I just couldn’t be bothered anymore because she would have found some other way to ruin it for me anyway. Especially if shes there and don´t want to be.

Be with you asap! :)

Heya! ""Yuh - that's why you get given parents. So that THEY can make that adult-executive decision. You weren't qualified. Were they very liberal?" "Yes, I know they failed as parents in this case. But given the circumstances that immediately followed, I can't blame them. My mother was already ill at the time, it just wasn't really noticeable. When we left the doctor's office, my mother asked me: "The x-ray picture hanging there, was that yours? Definitely not!...It can't be as bad as he says. Do you want to wear the thing he mentioned?" I said: "I don't know, he said it was mine...No, I don't want to." and then we never talked about it again. I had a good childhood and my parents were always very caring up until that point."" Okay. Fairenoughski. "My mum suffers from paranoid schizophrenia. It was a really really really tough time and sometimes still is. My parents are still together. My mother will never be the women i knew, but shes okay with the medication she takes right now." I imagine there're mixed feelings about that for you: on the one hand, you don't have to deal with the Jekyll & Hyde ('the women i knew') any ore, but on the other hand, it must be like your 'real mother' passed away, yes? Did ex-Fiend sort-of fill any part(s) of that role?...or play big sister or something? (...or just act like she did, even, I should add). ""Too expensive each time. (You're in America, right?)" "no, i´m from germany. that was medical gaslighting at its finest. When i told my medical story the last doctor i went to, she just rolled her eyes and said "dont worry, we will do MRIs, that should have been done already by those symptoms you´re showing." inside I screamed I KNOW!!! THANK YOU!!! :D" Ah! Our first German, I think! Guten tag und welcommen! :) ""OMG, what kind of chronic pain have YOU been in for years and years?!?! Do you think you might have any cases for Negligence there?" Fortunately, I haven't really felt the basic pain for a long time, it's now my “I feel normal”." Well, thank uck for small mercies! (So you're great at adapting, then?) "When the severe pain came along, I was useless without ibuprofen 800 mg and Novalgin 500 mg 4 times a day. And even with that I still had pain." Great... Did you ever try cannabis/marijuana? I was told my condition was for-life and prescribed it (by the hospital registrar, no less!...I was so shocked, had NO IDEA they could do that!). It works for physical pain AND emotional! As long as you're self-disciplined and treat it as respectfully as you would the prescription meds so that you're always in control of IT, rather than the other way round, and save it for particularly painful periods, then I thoroughly recommend it, especially as you can get it without the THC these days via drops from healthfood stores and online. So have you tried the drops? "Yes, I think it was very negligent of the doctors not to take me seriously. Unfortunately, that is often the case in our overburdened health system.' It's better than UK's, though, isn't it? What about Spain's? (Let's be honest - they're ALL shit when one looks behind the bloody 'shopfront window'. Just varying levels. But that's where self-help, self-healing, comes in. I mean - what do you think people DID before pharmaceuticals? How's your diet? If you were to do a multi-pincer job - 'attack' your condition from all angles simultaneously - sky's the limit. (Cheaper than via your GP 'n all.) Well, anyway, now you've got rid of Narcichops, you'll have the time, energy and wherewithall to look into all of this. And your first stop, I reckon, should be reading the bestseller, 'The Body Keeps The Score'. Only logical and VERY eye-opening. ""Never heard of those? Lemmie have a google...Ooh, I like that! (Haha - 'My name's Blurry-face and I care what you think'! Love it!)" Twenty One Pilots' music often deals with deep and emotional themes such as mental health issues, anxiety, self-doubt, identity and societal pressures. Their songs often reflect personal struggles, but also hope and the search for meaning in life." EX-cellent! I like beautiful things that also serve a huge functional purpose. Music is a pincer, certainly. "The song you found is one of their more commercially successful hits. They have been telling a story within the songs and music videos since the album Blurryface. it's all quite complex but basically they have created their own world in which the story that is being told takes place.(quick fill in to the story: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozlHHR_eSxc)" Cheers for that - I'll take a look first chance I get (bit over-busy at the mo)! "" The listeners/fans are regularly involved in discovering new elements of the story as they are usually hidden in puzzles. The songs can be interpreted in different ways and Tyler always manages to make the songs suitable for the story as well as for other meanings. The music found me at a time when I was almost at rock bottom. Life was simply exhausting at that time and I was on the verge of just giving up. since then this band has accompanied me, in good times and bad :)" Oh wow! Reminds me of the 80s hit, 'Last Night a DJ Saved My Life'! "if you're interested, here are a few songs that go a little deeper than stressed out, I´ll pick one from each album: Isle of flightless birds: this is a older song, from the first album before they became famous. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CHXfuGXM1Gg Car Radio: hard choice, i love the album vessel. Every song is amazing but car radio will always be my favorite. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4EuVOMQyXk&list=PLoDAYWBKduzh5L8ISW_etHN0fBdzB_HRg&index=5 Polarize: its from the album Blurryface, which was their breaktrough world wide. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MiPBQJq49xk&list=PL3roRV3JHZzZd6SeYqYhPFFOm5pBlAQWg&index=9 Cut my Lip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRwXUzHpHIc&list=PL3roRV3JHZzYrywUGDSoIeF7J9P4sWIba&index=10 Choker: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sBRnnnZyFw Oldies Station: Tyler wrote that song for the fans. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBE_2sHDt4E) And last but not least this masterpiece: The Line (I absolutely adore this version of the song) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTCjLglvnf8" I'm interested in absolutely everything....nosy as duck! LOL Yeah, I'll enjoy those cheers again! So does Fiance like them too? ""(Complained all the way through, did she?)" She did..." How did I know that, eh? Have a guess. ""SHE'S got a Fiance???" "Yeah, she also accused me of that in the argument—that she hasn’t been able to personally tell me for two months that she’s now engaged, but back then for my proposal, she traveled so far for me and even argued with “some dumb girl.”" (SOME DUMB GIRL?????? Pass me the wet flip-flop if you please?) "But I didn’t know that the big question had been asked. Her fiancé didn’t let me in on it... " Anyway, yes, I recall from up there. Pathetic. Couldn't find anything to pin on you so either made it up to-all-intents-and-purposes or LITERALLY made it up! (That must mean you're an angel. :)) ""Question: who got engaged first?" So, My fiancé and I got engaged first."" Yeah....Thought so. (It's an illness/deformity so they literally all think and act the same - just the reasons that differ, per type.) ""I imagine that was her typically-petty Narc revenge for the non-invitation that she 'was fine' with. (What was the time lag between those two events, btw?)" Yeah, I think so too." Yeah, I think so THREE. "Although the time frame is definitely long." Doesn't matter. Just the first/best opportunity. Could be a YEAR later that they make you pay (for not having read their mind, say). They can't process negative stuff away, unlike us, except for batting-back/kicking the cat/revenge (but without the RIGHT to!...there's the important diff/all the diff.) "Maybe it was something else that didn’t sit right with her. I bought the tickets in June 2024. The album came out in May 2024 and at the End of October/ beginning of November 2024 she told me that she didn´t want to go." (Yeah, she'd had time...) ""ALSO - how's about listening to album BEFORE saying she wanted tickets! That too intelligent for her?" Yes, exactly! (Well, I wanted to get it done quickly, as there were only a few tickets left) BUT I don't know any artist who only plays new songs - there are always a few old ones in the set anyway." Yup. But she only ever PRETENDED to be into them - or remotely as into them as you. So ducking-out, leaving you high 'n dry and 'holding the baby', secretly was never any skin off her own nose. So as you can see: your strengths and weaknesses get noted down and used against you at some or other later (or laterlaterlater) date - as per the meme that goes, 'Anything you say to a Narc WILL be taken down and used against you'. You were supposed to be really upset, only: ""I told her that its okay when they dont want to go and that im not mad or sad about it" OOPS!, hahahaha! (Note, that wouldn't normally be an Oops. But it is with a Narc because YOU'RE NOT BUTTERING THEM UP.)" ('Curses, foiled!') Haha! May as well have just done a Rhett Butler and said, 'Frankly, My Dear, I don't GIVE a damn'. :D "I knew I was stirring things up by reacting that way. I did it anyway because I’m tired of it." Because it was time to show her you are not anyone's victim - YOU'RE JUST NNNNNNICE. Nice does NOT mean, stupid, or desperate and willing to do anything, trying to buy them, any of that nonsense. It MEANS, strong and more intelligent than the average, so much so you have nuturing LEFT OVER FOR OTHERS (i.e. only the truly intelligent are Nice). So you showed her YOUR fangs. Haha, nice one! (I wonder if afterwards she threw anything?) "I knew exactly that what she really wanted to hear was, "Ohhh nooo, please, please come! Without you, it would be soooo awful, I was so excited!"" Exactly - you gottit! Yeah, I knew you did. :) "But I just couldn’t be bothered anymore because she would have found some other way to ruin it for me anyway. Especially if shes there and don´t want to be." Being her friend is pointless and futile. Yup. Well articulated, Modom. :)

"""Too expensive each time. (You're in America, right?)" "no, i´m from germany. that was medical gaslighting at its finest. When i told my medical story the last doctor i went to, she just rolled her eyes and said "dont worry, we will do MRIs, that should have been done already by those symptoms you´re showing." inside I screamed I KNOW!!! THANK YOU!!! :D"" Why don't you, when you next get a mo, ring around a couple of personal liability solicitors, see what they think about whether you've a case? I mean - delays/queues for investigative/diagnostic appointments are one thing, but, if you've actually HAD the appointments yet these "should haves" weren't carried out - that's Negligence. Worth investigating, eh?

Hey there, What follows is a long text. I've had a few Aha moments in the last few days and I'd like to share them. I'll also translate two conversations we had over WhatsApp that are actually very informative. I'll take out all the personal names etc., of course. I think through the messages you can understand much better what this friendship really was like. If you wanna skip some parts i dont mind :D "I imagine there're mixed feelings about that for you: on the one hand, you don't have to deal with the Jekyll & Hyde ('the women i knew') any ore, but on the other hand, it must be like your 'real mother' passed away, yes?" Well, you know... I look after my parents (Almost exactly after I started my training as a medical assistant, my father was admitted to hospital because he had developed an open foot due to diabetes. That was in 2015/2016. Since then, he has had several chronic wounds on his foot, which I initially cared for in collaboration with the family doctor. Now my fiancé helps too (he's a geriatric nurse) and we also manage a bit of household.) That's why I'm still in contact with all "three" of them my father, jekyll and hyde (sometimes I wish I wouldn´t have any contact anymore). The medication she takes, only helps her to find peace and suppresses most of the symptoms. So she has good and bad days, on bad days it's mainly the crazy talking, insulting and coercive behaviour that comes to the fore. But it stays within limits. On good days you can have a bit of a normal chat with her. But it's no longer possible to build up any real depth, neither in conversations nor in interpersonal relationships. So yes, my "real mother" has passed away, even though she is alive. For a very long time (especially in my youth) I was very angry with her because she just ‘let me down’ and changed like that, even though it wasn't her fault that she was like that. Now it still hurts, it breaks my heart every time I visit, but on the whole I'm coping well and I'm happy about every slightly better day when we have a good chat. "Did ex-Fiend sort-of fill any part(s) of that role?...or play big sister or something? (...or just act like she did, even, I should add)." Voldemortina lost her mum as a teenager (maybe, just maybe I have her number now saved in my phone like that - i wanted to delete it, but could not yet). So that was something that always connected us, because I could empathise with that pain in a certain way and also how it is to deal with something like that alone, at such a young age. we often talked about things in life and were more of a support to each other in terms of understanding each other (haha funny). so yes, it may well be that she has filled a part of the role somewhere, as you said most likely sister-wise like. When i think about it, because you mean ‘just pretending’... in telephone conversations in which i was ranting about work, for example, she often gave unsolicited advice instead of just listening and supporting me in my point of view (i wanted co-ranting, no life advice). She also often interrupted me mid-sentence when I was saying something because something was going on. For example, because she thought there was something floating in her coffee, which caused her to interrupt me and just be silent on the other line for a long time. Until I asked if she was still there. Then i tried to remember what i wanted to say, which usually ended with her having to end the call because she still had something to do "If you don't know what you wanted to say, I'd have to hang up anyway, I still have to do xy". Sometimes it was her now fiancé who she just randomly asked something in the middle of my sentence. It wasn't always like this, but that happened a lot, I think I only said to her once "hey, if you're not interested in what I'm saying, then just say it" to which she just said "no no, keep talking, I'm listening to you" Of course, it always felt like she didn't want to listen to me, like I was getting on her nerves. In such situations, this sometimes led to me simply stopping telling her things because I thought she wasn't interested. Whereas of course the other way around, I always listened to her. I co-ranted with her about everything. I brainstormed with her for hours because she wants to write a book and she went through the story and structure with me. Some phone calls were actually more like monologues on her part and I said "mhm" every now and then and asked questions when I couldn't follow or wanted to understand better what she was talking about. Sometimes she asked for advice, but then usually contradicted me directly and later obviously solved it in her own way and then complained that she didn´t know if it was the right thing she´d done. I just accepted that and a lot of other much worser things. I never actually said anything against her behavior, even though it annoyed me and hurt me, because I didn't want to lose her. I've realized that now. I have a need for a deep, honest friendship, but since I'm also really weird when it comes to social interaction with strangers, I held on to what came closest to that because otherwise I wouldn't have had anything. I really don't think she's a narcissist, she probably has narcissistic traits and definitley a few other personal issues. So do I and I also played a big part in it getting to this point. I looked again for all the old chats in which we had "argued". It was always the same (also always via WhatsApp). As soon as she felt even remotely neglected, she wrote me a long message in which she expressed her point of view to me in an accusatory and emotionally manipulative way. These messages started and became more frequent when I got together with my now fiancé in 2018. And I always tried to smooth things over to keep what we had... whatever that was. Even though it was years ago, I now recognize a pattern....Like I said, it actually started in 2018 and it was always about me not being interested in her anymore, not putting enough into the friendship and her assuming she did all the "work". Yes, there were times like that, but that's ín my opinion completely normal, especially when you consider that I was newly in love and of course spending more time with my boyfriend OR and this is a very important point, when I wasn't feeling well (mentally, physically) and started to withdraw.. I don't think she could handle the fact that she was no longer "number one" in my life.UAnd in her opinion, there is literally no excuse for not caring for your friends or not making an effort to be friends - not even when you are depressed, overwhelmed, or sick. Because she made it out of depression and in it she still could be there for her friends, but that's another story.... Before that, I was somehow unhappy with my ex-boyfriend and held on to something that should have ended years ago (I see a pattern here too, apparently I find it hard to let go even when it's not good for me) so she was a strong anchor for me during this time, because she always listened to me when i complained about my exboyfriend and how he treated me and I really did a lot with her, like almost every weekend and sometimes after work. If you dont mind I want to show what she wrote to me and write it from my mind and soul what I did learn and found today, this clears so much up....and im absoluetly shocked about what will follow, that i didnt saw this earlier.. This exact message was sent to me in January 2019, at a time when everything in my life became too much for me (especially with my parents) and I called in sick for about a week because I couldn't really get anything done anymore, but I still somehow functioned and got some things done (I don't know how to describe it, I hope you understand what I'm trying to say :D) it felt like burned out from being overwhelmed and i was (i think) depressed. I also didn't involve my fiancé, who was still my boyfriend at the time, that much because I didn't want to burden him. (we had only been together for about a year) So the message from Voldemortina said: *Hi CreativeNick, I just need to get something off my chest. You've been acting really strangely lately. I didn't say anything the other time with another friend when you "didn't have time until 6pm" and then cancelled "because you didn't have time". Afterwards I found out that you were skipping work anyway...just like now on Wednesday, you can't come until 5pm and then you just cancelled and today I found out you're on holiday for the whole week. Sorry but that's really antisocial and there's no excuse. I'm just writing to tell you that I'm not stupid and I'm not going to let myself be fooled like that anymore. I really don't mean it in a bad way but I wanted to come clean.* How can that not be meant in a bad way?.... My message to her (one day later): *I still don't know what to say about it... I don't want to fool anyone or make them look stupid. Things can come up on vacation too, it wasn't my fault. I had my reasons for not going to work on the spur of the moment and it wasn't because I just didn't feel like going to work. I still had a lot to do that day, that was just the way it was. But it doesn't matter now, my "excuses" don't work anyway. I'm sorry if you felt like you were being fooled, that was definitely not my intention.* Dumb me, saying sorry for things I dont have to say sorry for. oh god how bad.. I cancelled meetings twice within a short period of time because I just couldn't make it. And i didn´t say why i can´t make it... I am the worst person in the world, aren´t I? :D Her response: *mhh... I don't know, I'm really hurt and disappointed. It's not about something coming up. We agreed on it on Wednesday a week before and then asked again the day before. So apart from a bad car accident, I can't think of anything else that could come up on a vacation day. And the most important thing about it is that it's your business why you can't go, but that you don't even give the reasons for cancellations at such short notice or in general. It's a complete secret. I thought you were a close friend of mine so that I would at least find out the reason. But I'm not even doing that now. In all honesty, CreativeNick, I write to you saying I felt like I was being made fun of and you make me wait a day? And then you say "I had my reasons" you've become so different. And I just think it's a shame about the friendship, but apparently it only exists on one side, I'm starting to get the feeling. I really feel like a bitch who doesn't understand that the guy doesn't want anything from her.* Excuuuuuseee meeeee whaaaaat the fuuuuuck!!! "Well, apart from a bad car accident, I can't think of anything else that could happen on a vacation day"....This sentence in particular (and everything else too) made me so freaking angry today when I read it again, and it did back then too. But the stupid me from back then simply let some time pass so that I didn't respond angrily, in my mind i was like ". And then i justified myself again even though I don't owe her any accountability. I also tried to answer as polite as possible and even apologised at the end.. This was my response: *I made you wait a day because maybe I was also hurt that you called me antisocial. I didn’t think it was that dramatic, and I actually really would have liked to come. The reason I didn’t explain earlier was just a reaction to your "no excuse counts" comment. The reason was that I had to go grocery shopping for my parents, and I couldn’t postpone it. When I was at their place, I ended up in a long discussion with my dad. I originally wanted to go on Thursday because I had to go to the doctor for his medication anyway, but then my dad called me just before I texted that I’d be late, telling me they had nothing left because they had eaten everything already. The days before, I had spent with my Boyfriend because of our anniversary. We had actually planned two weeks of vacation, but in the end, we only had three days off together, so we used those for day trips. ((sidenote: i dont really remember why only 3 days, I think he had to step in at work because someone got sick.)) So, I left right after showering, got to my parents' place around 5:30 PM, and then the discussion with my dad started—mainly, as always, about my mom, etc. So, I wrote that I probably wouldn’t make it anymore and that it wouldn’t really be worth it. I could have left at 7 PM and would’ve only arrived in location shortly before 8 PM. And you had already said that you wouldn’t stay long. I wasn’t in a great mood, so I didn’t go into more detail. Plus, I wouldn’t want to share all of this in the group chat anyway. I also think it’s kind of sad that you reacted so strongly instead of just asking what was going on. I know you can’t magically sense when I’m feeling like crap, and you did ask how I was doing, but I’m just not the kind of person who likes to talk about these things. Lately, I haven’t been feeling great in general. I often feel completely unmotivated, kind of depressed somehow (that was also one of the reasons I didn’t go to work). I get annoyed so quickly, I’m frustrated with work and my parents, and I often just feel sad for no real reason. Right now, I still manage to get up in the morning, but honestly, I’d rather just stay in bed. It’s not this bad every day, mostly when I’m alone. I haven’t even told my Boyfriend about this... So, I’m sorry for reacting so snappily. You are definitely an important friend to me.* oh my, oh my ... i really wanted her to like me again... Do you see how I included a justification for not being able to do the grocery shopping on a different day in advance? I was expecting that Voldemortina wouldn't let me get away with it otherwise. And she made me tell her what was wrong with me, what I didn't want to share from the beginning and had never shared with anyone else, i also was really good at masking, as really no one noticed something was off with me. thats so fucked up, why did i do that?...And to be honest, I don't remember if we wanted to meet just the two of us or with others at both occasions...but since I mentioned the group chat, it can only mean that we wanted to meet in a larger group...which somehow makes the whole thing even more ridiculous. Her response: *I'm really sorry to hear that you're not doing well right now, and now I can understand it much better. Like you said, I can't just sense these things. I actually really wish you had told me. Then I could have also told you that I’m not doing well either. Maybe we could have supported each other—just sitting next to each other, watching a sad movie, and letting it all out. Maybe that's also why I reacted so strongly yesterday, simply because I’m not in a good place myself... You know, every time I talk to my boyfriend about you, I always say that you are a very special friend to me. Because I truly care about you, especially after our voluntary social year. And because you're the only person I know who understands what it's like when I say I don't really have a family and that I’m on my own. That’s exactly why I make sure to get you gifts for your birthday, with a card, or come to your graduation, and so on. I don’t even get my best friend anything (it’s not about material things). But just because, over the years, I’ve felt like we were a kind of family to each other. ((It was really nice that she was there at the graduation ceremony of my training, as my parents couldn't go and I would have been the only one there without family (of course my fiancé was there anyway) also nice thing with the gifts, now I must think I'm something special if she doesn't even give presents to her best friend..gosh)) But since you’ve been with your boyfriend, it really feels like we’re strangers. I barely hear from you. And there have just been a few things that really hurt me and made me feel left out—things I already mentioned or, for example, with your boyfriends birthday. And I know that none of it was intentional or meant in a bad way, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. ((Context: She mentioned my boyfriend's birthday party. He had invited a few friends but not Voldemortina and her boyfriend... of course she had expected to be invited too. I didn't think about it or interfere with who he invited, it's not my birthday and he can decide for himself who he invites and who he doesn't. she was shocked when se found out like three days in advance that there will be the party and of course i said "oh im so sorry, i forgot about you, you can come if you want")) Especially right now, I feel lonely as it is, like I don’t really have any friends… So what happened with you on Wednesday was just the thing that pushed me over the edge. I didn’t say that you were antisocial, but that it was an antisocial thing to do. I’m sorry for saying it so harshly, but at that moment, I really thought, Wow… she really doesn’t care at all about what I’m writing. Especially because I thought you were doing really well now, living with your boyfriend and all.((sure, all my problems just vanished when i moved out from my parents)) I definitely apologize for snapping at you, now that I understand the full context. But I’m still hurt—especially because last night, I ended up crying, thinking that you just didn’t care at all (since you didn’t reply).* Guess what I did after that message? That's right, I apologized and even said that I was the one who overreacted... because now I felt bad because she was not in a good place too and I made it worse... so then I was the bad one, most likely the depressed one who doesn't talk about it casually because that's what normal people with depression always do... gosh I'm so angry...how could I not see that?? Or maybe I did see that but still did everything I could to keep her or the illusion of a possible deep friendship, even if only in my head? My final response: *I'm sorry that I didn't reply to you right away… I overreacted. And I’m also sorry if I disappointed or hurt you. You’re really important to me, and I also see you as part of my family. You’ve supported me through some really shitty times when no one else cared. I didn’t tell you about this right away because I’ve had these phases before, and they usually sorted themselves out after a few weeks. And honestly, I’m just really bad at admitting these things openly… Especially when we did spend time together, it was mostly with the guys, so there wasn’t really a chance for the topic to come up. And even if there had been, I wouldn’t have talked about it in front of them anyway. I also think it’s a shame that we haven’t seen each other as much lately. But that’s also because I’m pretty exhausted after work and don’t really feel like doing much. Things with Boyfriend are good, everything’s fine there. Maybe we can go out for a drink or something next week and talk about everything again?* The really shitty times was when I split up with my ex-boyfriend, who I had been with for over 10 years. that was also a pretty toxic relationship... that was a really hard breakup and I didn't know how to be alone anymore and what I could/should do on my own. She really helped me then, distracted me with activities. Before this thing, she messaged me like a few months earlier also about the issue that i dont have time for her, because I do spent a lot of time with my boyfriend. Also after this there were 3 more messages from her about me not doing enough in that friendship. I have to show, that was straight in pandemic 2020, like first lockdown: *Hey CreativeNick, I don’t know if you’ve noticed the last few times, but lately, I’ve been finding it really difficult to do things with you and your boyfriend. I don’t want to attack you or start a big argument, but I just can’t continue like this. We’ve talked about this so many times already—I feel like very little comes from you. The last time we planned a gaming night, you kept us waiting for 1.5 hours, and the whole thing with Sky wasn’t cool either. For me, it’s about how you react to situations like that. I don’t want to drag your boyfriend into this because this is mainly about you and me. Whether it’s Hamburg, Heidelberg, or other plans, it often feels like my boyfriend and I aren’t really included and have to invite ourselves. I constantly feel like I’m second choice, and at some point, it’s not just a matter of forgetting. Every weekend, I barely hear anything from you, but you’re always spending time with your boyfriend´s people. It feels like everything has to come from me, and when I suggest a trip or something, it seems like you’re not really interested—like with Sweden. Like I said, we’ve talked about these things so many times, but I can’t just keep swallowing it down and telling myself you don’t mean it badly. And when we do things together in a group, we barely talk to each other anymore. Pretty much everything happening in my life right now, you don’t really notice, and I guess it’s the same the other way around. That just doesn’t feel like friendship to me—I imagine something different.* My response: *Hey Voldemortina, I need to process this first... I have no idea how you think I should have responded more appropriately to your call about Sky. ((for context, My fiancé gave them both his Sky access and then it didn't work because my fiancé had given the access to someone else and no longer knew that you can only share it with a certain number of people. As a result, they both got kicked out and I couldn't really do anything when she called because my fiancé was at work and so I said I will tell him when he gets home.)) Regarding the gaming night—my boyfreind had already messaged that he’d be coming later, and I fell asleep because I was completely exhausted from work all week. That’s why we both arrived later. ((also for context, that gaming night was on a friday night Online, due to the pandemic. so they were at home and just had to wait a bit in front of their PCs. also there were 2 other friends playing with us, so they played some games, had a nice chat without us till we arrived)) In my current situation, I’m not doing anything with my boyfriend’s people either—I haven’t seen anyone in weeks. Before that, I did hang out with them more often because my boyfriend invites them and then asks if I want to join. ((Actually, I should have written "we all have to isolate ourselves right now, what do you want from me?")) About the vacation... of course, I’d love to go on a trip with you. And since you mentioned Sweden—yeah, I’d be up for that too. But Sweden is expensive. Sure, we can set it as a goal for next year and save up for it, but how well that works out can be seen with my nonexistent driver’s license. I’m not hesitating about things like that because of you, but purely because of the money—I never know what might come up for me or my parents. ((also context, even if I don't go into it in my answer, but Hamburg and Heidelberg were holidays/day trips I had planned with my boyfriend and we wanted to go there alone, some alone time together, it's as simple as that. When she mentioned that she also wanted to go to Hamburg, for example, we said we could plan that at some point, which we then did, but then Covid came and we couldn't go..)) The reason I haven’t reached out about making plans in the past few weeks is simply because of COVID. my boyfriend and I have both had repeated cases around us that we were in contact with. The risk was just too high to do anything. ((context, we both work in healthcare which was hell in the pandemic)) As for us not talking in the group anymore—from my side, it’s because you didn’t really respond to my last messages. I thought that sucked too… And of course, I noticed that something was off, but just two days ago—or whenever it was—you said everything was fine. ((I looked into what I meant by that. I asked about a few things that we could do together and she just didn't answer)) You know, I never want to hurt you in any way, because you really mean a lot to me, Voldemortina. And it hurts when you often say that you feel like you don’t matter to me. I also think it sucks that we don’t really know what’s going on in each other’s lives anymore… And honestly, I was also really disappointed that we never continued watching that series together. And I asked you many times. At that point I had the feeling that you didn't want to watch it with me anymore and then I stopped asking. I don’t have any other female friendships—or really any close friendships at all. Sure, I consider my boyfriend’s friends as friends, but none of them would ever hang out with me alone, let alone message me to ask how I’m doing. Sometimes, especially lately, I feel so alone that instead of reaching out, I just withdraw even more... I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but maybe I’m just incapable of having a real friendship.* okay there were some sassy, manipulating parts from me too :D But I really thought it was my fault, that I was the wrong person, even though I didn't know what I had done wrong (apart from distancing myself from people during a pandemic and getting a bit crazy because of it, which I think happened to a lot of people). I was really devastated and layed in bed all day having a existencial crisis because I didn't understand what I had done that was so bad that my only friend was attacking me over what I thought were trivial things. My now fiancé called her and told her that I wasn't feeling well at all I closed myself off so much that I didn't even want to talk to him anymore. He said to her that he didn't know what had happened between us but that we should sort it out asap. Then shortly after we spoke on the phone for 3 hours and got these incredibly important little things out of the way, I thought. Then, 1 1/2 years later, came the camping trip, I already mentioned that, where she was angry that I hadn't asked her twice if she wanted to come along and some other stuff. Even now I'm starting to doubt again whether I'm not the bad guy in the story after all....crazy right? She simply projected a lot of her own problems onto me and always found me to be the scapegoat when she couldn't cope with certain things. It's also obvious that she is extremely overly sensitive when it comes to the smallest, most normal things, but I always accepted and tolerated that with the thought "that's just how she is". Maybe she learned from me that she can be like that to people and that people let her be like that? She was also really competing with my fiancé, subtle so I never really noticed that. I think 2021 was the last time there was such an "argument". The next one was the one from my first post here. So it worked quite well for 3 years. When I thought about it more closely, I realized that during that time she had had similar arguments with other friends as she had with me...I don't know what brought about the change in me now that I have now broken away from her. Deep down I think I have wanted to do that for a long time but I couldn't. Maybe it took a deterioration in my health for me to realize again that I am stronger than I think and then be able to break away from it. "Ah! Our first German, I think! Guten tag und welcommen! :)" :D Moin Moin, freut mich sehr :) "Did you ever try cannabis/marijuana? I was told my condition was for-life and prescribed it (by the hospital registrar, no less!...I was so shocked, had NO IDEA they could do that!). It works for physical pain AND emotional! As long as you're self-disciplined and treat it as respectfully as you would the prescription meds so that you're always in control of IT, rather than the other way round, and save it for particularly painful periods, then I thoroughly recommend it, especially as you can get it without the THC these days via drops from healthfood stores and online. So have you tried the drops?" Like when I was 17-18, I started smoking weed for several years until I realized that it increased my chance of developing schizophrenia. So I stopped doing that completely. I tried CBD oil/drops for a while, but it didn't really help. It just made me a little tired. "It's better than UK's, though, isn't it? What about Spain's? (Let's be honest - they're ALL shit when one looks behind the bloody 'shopfront window'. Just varying levels." yes true, everything has its bad sides, doesn't it? I am of course glad that I live in a country with at least a pretty good health system, it could definitely be worse. "But that's where self-help, self-healing, comes in. I mean - what do you think people DID before pharmaceuticals? How's your diet? If you were to do a multi-pincer job - 'attack' your condition from all angles simultaneously - sky's the limit. (Cheaper than via your GP 'n all.) Well, anyway, now you've got rid of Narcichops, you'll have the time, energy and wherewithall to look into all of this. And your first stop, I reckon, should be reading the bestseller, 'The Body Keeps The Score'. Only logical and VERY eye-opening." Yes, that's true, it's really important that you do something yourself to feel better. I've started doing yoga, meditation and mindfulness exercises in the last few years. I've tried CBD and various herbal ointments. I really should still work on my diet :D I eat unhealthily. I also stopped smoking half a year ago and since then I've been eating a lot of sweet things and have also gained a bit of weight :D Luckily, I've always been on the slim side, so it's not necessarily a bad thing that I have a bit more weight on my hips. I spent hours reading up on the subject of scoliosis to be able to understand it all better. And maybe that's exactly it, I also knew a lot from my job (funnily enough, I work in a rehabilitation clinic in an orthopedic department), which made me even more desperate when all those doctors said I wouldn't get an MRI. I thought about a slipped disc relatively early on and also realized pretty early on that the interaction of stress, muscle tension and scoliosis were responsible for my problems. Of course I told them all of that, or rather I wanted to know if it could all be as I thought it was, after all I'm not a doctor... they probably really thought I was a hypochondriac or were annoyed that I was "diagnosing myself". I will look for that book you mentioned :) "Worth investigating, eh?" Maybe, but to be honest, that would be right now too stressful for me. Now I have a good doctor and can finally do everything I can, to hopefully get better soon. "I'm interested in absolutely everything....nosy as duck! LOL Yeah, I'll enjoy those cheers again! So does Fiance like them too?" yes, he likes them too. he was never as into it as I was, especially not in the story. so I made a powerpoint presentation about it :D now he's ready for the concerts and is really looking forward to them. "Yup. But she only ever PRETENDED to be into them - or remotely as into them as you. So ducking-out, leaving you high 'n dry and 'holding the baby', secretly was never any skin off her own nose." well, I was always more of a fangirl than her :D I just thought I'd ask her if she wanted to come along because she's listened to them now and then and we were at the concert together in 2016. Maybe that was exactly the problem. that I know them all and she doesn't and that's why she felt left out again. Now that I've realized all of this, if I'm right, then I really feel sorry for her. BUT that doesn't justify how she treated me.

Don't know what happened to that sentence there. I meant to say: This sentence in particular (and everything else too) made me so freaking angry today when I read it again, and it did back then too. But the stupid me from back then simply let some time pass so that I didn't respond angrily, in my mind i was like "fuck off" first but the i was like "she doesn't mean it, she's just sad and angry". And then i justified myself again even though I don't owe her any accountability. I also tried to answer as polite as possible and even apologised at the end..

Be with you asap:)

(Skip parts? Hhhhhhhhhhhh - wash your mouth out!) (;) Seriously, though...sit and think about that statement of yours because it's you, 'bending-over-backwards'. And not just that but, PRE-EMPTIVELY. Offering to, rather than waiting to allow the other person to ask (if they even need to). So, clearly it's a habit. It can also pose as a Green light to any Malig. Narc on the prowl (did you know that?). Where did this habit come from, then? Have a thinkipoos with a dwinkiepoos...) Anyhoo...Just want to keep the various two-legged issues separate for the time being. And then I'll continue tomorrow. First, Mum... This is what's stuck out most for me: "(sometimes I wish I wouldn´t have any contact anymore)." 1. For what reason(s)? 2. Why would you have to wish? Couldn't you DECIDE? Or 'meet yourself in the middle' and just do half the amount of hours and effort? Scratch Q1 - you've answered it with this: "So she has good and bad days, on bad days it's mainly the crazy talking, insulting and coercive behaviour that comes to the fore. But it stays within limits. On good days you can have a bit of a normal chat with her. But it's no longer possible to build up any real depth, neither in conversations nor in interpersonal relationships. So yes, my "real mother" has passed away, even though she is alive. " I expect the other reasons are because, unintentional yet uncontrollable or not - Emotional & Verbal Abuse is still Abuse, right? Plus, you've already dedicated enough of yourself and your life to her (and him); you need to be free to live your own life now. Is it time to call in the professional Carers yet? I imagine, however, that those perfectly natural thoughts and needs trigger "the guilts" every time, though - correct? "on the whole I'm coping well and I'm happy about every slightly better day when we have a good chat. " What, as a percentage, would you say, is the Dark To Light ratio of good days versus bad? And how rapidly has that shifted, recently? What you're going through is the long, drawn-out Goodbye that victims of Altzheimers go through. And by 'victim', I actually mean, the Nearest & Dearest, not the Alz. sufferer themselves! But Altzheimers (at that level) tends only to last up to 5 or so years, whereas - HOW LONG have you been your mother's Caregiver? Does your head in, though, doesn't it: Oh, today she's here!...Oh, but today she's "the monster"....here!...gone!...back again - oh wait, gone again!.... It's like being haunted, isn't it...despite the person isn't actually dead - or tantamount (full-time insane). Would you say her condition makes her act uncannily similar to a Narcissist? If you're unsure - let's check. You list all the offensive and hurtful behaviours and verbals you can think of for me.

(PS: I'm deliberately not reading ahead, just taking it portion-by-portion.) PPS: What did you mean by, 'but it (the abuse) stays within limits'?

...Actually, thinking about it: I don't know why I'm slowing down for you, considering - if you can output that amount of volume you can likewise take that much in. So I'm reading ahead a bit now (and - Voldamortina - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, LOVE IT!)... First-off... "When i think about it, because you mean ‘just pretending’... in telephone conversations in which i was ranting about work, for example, she often gave unsolicited advice instead of just listening and supporting me in my point of view (i wanted co-ranting, no life advice). She also often interrupted me mid-sentence when I was saying something because something was going on. For example, because she thought there was something floating in her coffee, which caused her to interrupt me and just be silent on the other line for a long time. Until I asked if she was still there. Then i tried to remember what i wanted to say, which usually ended with her having to end the call because she still had something to do "If you don't know what you wanted to say, I'd have to hang up anyway, I still have to do xy"." OMG, don't remind me! I had a (hah!) friend did this all the time. Not at-first, of course...they're always the perfect-perfect friend in the beginning. Or not. Can depend on circumstances...e.g., they could be perfect for you because at the time of meeting, up until even YEARS later, you're not their prey, someone else was and still is 'getting it', but, then, what can happen is, suddenly, during your 'relationship', the prey dumps them, meaning (because they HAVE TO have ONE, human, secret & exclusive 24/7 toilet to puke their toxins into), now YOU'RE plonked in that roll, without having a clue about it. Alternatively, there's the Benevolent Narcissist (who hides behind good deeds; 'happily', the mildest type; unhappily, therefore harder to dump): infrequent toxic behaviour,...would be just fine otherwise, 'god damnit!' - because Abuse is still Abuse, no matter how spaced-apart, which means, you HAVE to demote the relationship or dump them (nicely) altogether, whether or not it hurts big-time to do so, simply but vitally for the sake of your own physical and mental health...Plus there's the fact that infrequent actings-up hold their original shock factor, making the impact of the abuse worse....Short-term pain, long-term gain -v- short-term gain for long-term pain that just gets more and more painful. Talk about Sophie's Choice, eh! If only they were two pieces of Lego. But, so... it's like these types have Covid: "NO, SORRY, we CAN'T be friends. Your love literally makes me ill!", or, (Lord Alan Sugar voice) "Wiv regret - you're fired!"). (Tell me if my sentances are too long and jam-packed with too much information, won't you.) The diff between a communal narcissist and a genuine Giver, however, is this (as with all behavioural 'diagnosis'): The motive, aim, and intention behind any act. E.g. Altruist is happy to give anonymously, but the fake one does it for constant validation, status, bragging rights, all of that. I mean - don't get me wrong: who CARES WHY someone is do-gooding, as long as the thing gets done? But it's, the toxic narcissism that goes with it that's the immovable obstruction thus dealbreaker. (Also: is my English understandable for you?) Why don't you have a surf of this, and check her against it, to see. It'll make the grieving far-far-far easier if you can know precisely which type she is (including, how tenaciously a Hooverer she'll be) (which also all depends on how good a replacement toilet/slave her Fiance is). It's by Melanie Tonya Evans who's been an ex-victim-turned-expert for decades now: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-benevolent-narcissist-hides-behind-good-deeds/ (Wee extract: "A benevolent or altruistic narcissist is tricky to spot. They are not your typical narcissists because they are giving and caring and show every sign of loving you. They grant you attention, time, and effort. They’re very generous in that way, but when they turn on you, it’s just as devastating as with any narcissist. You’ll feel attacked, confused, shocked, devalued and discarded … sound familiar?") The reason why I suspect this as her type is because - the fact she even could be bothered TO suggest advice and a solution(!) before rudely 'pushing you out of the way' to hog the microphone like they do. Saying that, she did still get bored (...Heh-heh, which is why I suspect you (maybe even only subconsciously) gave me this, in your opinion 'really long post' and 'offered' to let me skip bits out: Testie-Outie much(ie), anyone?, haha! Sneakayyyy...but I like it. :D 's the only intelligent thing to do after having experienced a right b*tch-cow-and other expletives. So, no worries...plus, I can manage to read actual, whole BOOKS, doncha know! :D Plus, anyway - given the time to, I'm the Champion "Going On & On" merchant round here, haha, so it'll take lengthier than that to faze me. ;) ....You're a bit incredibly brainy, you, aren't you.) Anyhoo... see what you think of all of that and reply whenever you're ready. Your probably stuck fast in processing at the rate of Light Years at the moment, I imagine....all these 'innocent' memories that suddenly pop into your head and appear far less innocent, etc. Haaaah....fun, isn't it (giant Not).

PS: I vote we shorten her to 'V' - not only because it then doubles as 'vile', but because, otherwise, we might accidentally summon her. :D

oh yes, I'll need some time :D I understand everything, but I always run it also through a translator to make sure I really don't misunderstand, so no worries :) I´m perfectly fine with "V" :) I don't think we need to be afraid of the summoning either way, as long as none of us writes her name three times in a row. :D "Seriously, though...sit and think about that statement of yours because it's you, 'bending-over-backwards'. And not just that but, PRE-EMPTIVELY. Offering to, rather than waiting to allow the other person to ask (if they even need to). So, clearly it's a habit. It can also pose as a Green light to any Malig. Narc on the prowl (did you know that?)." "Saying that, she did still get bored (...Heh-heh, which is why I suspect you (maybe even only subconsciously) gave me this, in your opinion 'really long post' and 'offered' to let me skip bits out: Testie-Outie much(ie), anyone?, haha! Sneakayyyy...but I like it. :D 's the only intelligent thing to do after having experienced a right b*tch-cow-and other expletives. So, no worries...plus, I can manage to read actual, whole BOOKS, doncha know! :D Plus, anyway - given the time to, I'm the Champion "Going On & On" merchant round here, haha, so it'll take lengthier than that to faze me. ;)" to both....i just say: jup, I got it :D...I learned to pack the eggshells in cotton wool.. so.. I will write the next long response asap :D

Oh, PS: Bet you any money you like, she is NOT engaged. It won't have been consensual, just forced (they can nag and minimise, as well as emotionally manipulate, like no other, until you 'make the Hell stop' by agreeing (or cough-apologising) innit). (Google something like, "Narcissist wears you down".) This explains why her Fiance STRANGELY *WASN'T* too chuffed and excited (like a man whose own idea it was too) to keep it to himself for aaaaaall that time and (by what you infer) opportunities to. It also explains why we're supposed to believe that she couldn't have texted you in such a way as would have stopped you in your tracks and even chasing HER to know what the incredible news was! Hyuh - RIGHT. :p.... poor little Violet Elizabeth doesn't know how to type something like: CALL ME, CALL ME, CALL ME - I KNOW YOU'RE BUSY (it'll only take 10 mins) BUT THIS YOU NEED TO KNOW AND WOULD INSIST ON KNOWING! ('The name's Evil-Gump....Forrestina Evil-Gump... Licensed to Carboxyl....') It'll have been contrived. She'll have sold it to him as 'nothing to worry about'. That and the constant repetition would have done it. For example: Narc: "Well, I know it's too early to get OFFICIALLY engaged, but, we do love each other as MUCH as two Fiances, don't we.... So can we just BETWEEN US get "engaged"...like, engaged *in our hearts*? Victim BF: "(sigh...) Oh, okay, then, I spose that'd be alright." And then when he's had time to get used to that - in creeps (drip-drip-drip) the further suggestions of actually buying each other engagements rings! Ones they'll only wear 'in'...again, they're little secret... And then - ditto...in follows this: "I think BFF suspects already...can probably tell, she's known me that long...so can I tell her? I mean, I know we're not telling other people, but, I've been thinking...she is SORT-OF my sister so...if she ever found out I never told her something that big (note contradiction to prior minimising), she might never speak to me again!...so - just HER...please-please-please-please???? (batting lashes...or unzipping his trousers - whichever). (The females are like sodding Marta Hari.) PS: joke for you: Narc-victim-survivor: Based on my past experiences, I've written a stageplay about a female narcissistic Opera singer! Friend: Oh yes? What have you called it? Victim-survivor: "Mee-mee-mee..."!

Oh - that was a Crossover! "as long as none of us writes her name three times in a row. :D" Er..... whaddayamean, thrice-in-a-row? Because, if you just mean thrice in one post - or entire thread - then,....uh-oh! Although, more likely Uh-oh for her, let's be honest. "to both....i just say: jup, I got it :D...I learned to pack the eggshells in cotton wool.." And bubble-wrap. :D (It's more annoying for them, whilst more fun for you, then.)

PPS: Yeah, you take all the time you need, missus!

...I, personally, haven't finished, though. I read as far as "This was my response: *I made you wait a day because maybe I was also hurt that you called me antisocial. I didn’t think it was that dramatic, and I actually really would have liked to come. The reason I didn’t explain earlier was just a reaction to your "no excuse counts" comment. " ...which I'll no doubt do in little bite-sized pieces as I here and there find a window. Or all in one go. Dunno....I like to surprise myself as much as everyone else, haha. Night!

PPPS: As some more R&R and wee brain-break - Have you read the thread that's currently your next-door-neighbour on the main board? If you fancy some 'what the serious cluck?!', check it out.... and then, if/when you've time, tell me what you think ...aaaand perhaps suspect? Regardless of anything else, however, it's just EFFING WEIRD! I've been picturing it and - EW!....WHAT?!.....BUT - EWWWWW!.....BUT - WHAT?! That's a flippin' First, that is!

Tsk, forgot the link! https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13871/classmate-sticks-her-tongue-out-rubs-her-tongue-and-licks-lid Just - WHAT?!?!?! (and - "MA-TROOOOON?!...DOC-TOR!?!") Nnnnever seen anything like it! - and I hope I never do.

Oh wait - meant to add: 'Conversational Narcissism': (Note this CAN be present without full-blown Narcissism ("NPD") - quite possibly, when 'merely' down to having this as well as many other 'Narc Fleas' that have yet to be noticed and plucked off. And not all Narcs are constant interrupters - because of TIMING. E.g., they might be in a 'narc relationship' phase of forward-machinating (revenge or whatever) - the Devalue - so are now seamlessly (because they're having to super-rush) moving from listening-out in order to mirror amd impress, to listening-out for data on what and where will *hurt* most - and with one strike (they're lazy). So it's truer to say, they can either be *astoundingly* (Pink Flag!) good listeners or astoundingly (Red Flag!) bad - either/or. PS: remember that this has to be a Pervasive Pattern, not a one-off, and without any discernible mitigation, like, an extenuating circumstance.) Giving unsolicited advice (tick!) (Now, bear in mind that where friends know each other well, and have no resentments (usually irrational and hypocritical in a Narc), this is rarely objected to. Because, usually, AFTER the solution comes the much-needed 'girlie' venting. But there's the difference, you see. Yours wasn't doing it that way round in order to intelligently put you out of your misery as a first priority. Her aim was to "throw crumbs" (google, prefixed, Narcissist) as fast as possible in order to just shut you up asap. The failure to offer or allow post-analysis catharcism (a no-brainer for women friends) says so.) (She ain't a woman anyway...have to be a fully-fledged, civilised (humanized!) human for that; they're omnisexual and, just whatever 'emotional gender' works best on their particular victim. They're known for 'shagging anything if it'll get them something/somewhere'....or lengthily promising to ('dangling the carrot' - scuse pun). If she'd been reading you a bedtime story, it would have gone like this: Once upon a time...Princess...Prince...-marry-shag-babies - The End. Narcs do NOT DO Taking Care of other humans (or ANY living thing!...unless it serves THEM/for manipulation purposes.)) Constantly interrupting (tick!) Unempathetic Listening (tick!) Hoarding Conversation Time (tick!) One-sided Conversations (tick!) Features one-up-manship (competitor only...don't know how to BE/FEEL anyone's friend) Manipulating the Conversation Slipping-in criticisms (deliberately about things neither you or any human could change no matter how hard you tried!) Being Pedantic in order to miss the point and frustrate you ("And then he slap me!" / "....'slapped'"...which is fine to say if that's not ALL they say! (So, was she this too?) Eating noisy stuff, noisily whilst you're talking/sobbing (e.g. crisps). Slipping-in boasting and self-praising. Similarly, fishing for compliments (self-grandiosity - needing constant admiration). Controlling the topic and narrative. Failing to ask follow-up questions as you go (such as, 'Was it fun?...what was this/that bit like?). Instead, using "fillers" - e.g. just a measly, unhelpful, "Mmms" and empty "Uh-huhs" or "Oh yeahs?". (That would be when I'd switch to suddenly saying, 'And then, after landing on my lawn, the aliens got out of their spaceship and came into the house through the cat-flap', just to see if they'd notice and how long it took, to catch them out (- interestingly, usually it was the words 'cat-flap' that caught their attention, at which point, having got their attention ("What's that, what?!!"), I'd just go schtum mid-word so they thought the line had cut, or say 'precisely, you rude beep', click-brrr....and then permanently run or shuffle away (sometimes, not before making them my research guinneapig first, lol). Turning the conversation back to THEM all the time (so they can yet again tell you another anecdote they've already told you a hundred times over, despite you've pointed that fact out to them multiply(!). (Aside: Note in her interrupting, how she now has 'progressed' to *forcibly and non-consensually using and exploiting* her "Beloved Fiance" as if the poor guy's merely some kind of human tin-opener? This is her, testing-out his insistence for good manners and assert-ability, to see how much farther push-able than before he is. ....poor guy. That's a form of intellectual rape, that is. You, meanwhile, are supposed to start COMPETING with him for her attention. Google 'Best friend Triangulating me with fiance' or some such.) Terrible listeners (tick! - the coffee incident as a prime example). You can often hear that they're texting someone else as you're (trying) speaking. And they DO KNOW you can hear it!....but if you pick them up, they go, 'Oh, sorry, it's just my mum was urgently asking X' or some other fake excuse, to which any objection on your part would render you an unfeeling COW...and nobody wants to be that, now, do they. (Me, I don't mind at all because I remember, I'M NOT...I'm being a cow BACK. Diff/aaaaall the diff. And I ensure that BadMannersville, TasteOfOwnMedicineshire, is just a flying visit; I would NEVER set up camp there!...which is just being sensible, akin to donning a gas-mask.) Aaanyhoo - that'll do. Interested to see what you tick or confirm-tick. Again, though - I'm just leaving all of this for you for when you're ready, willing and able, just whilst I have the spare time and opportunity to. (Tomorrow and possibly Thurs is probably going to be too busy.) No rush, no pressure. (Genuine) Night!

Missed my window (well, had it stolen, actually) so I'm bumping you up with Balance. Thanks for bearing with me. :)

So, I will reply for the Mother thing first: "Anyhoo...Just want to keep the various two-legged issues separate for the time being. And then I'll continue tomorrow. First, Mum... This is what's stuck out most for me: "(sometimes I wish I wouldn´t have any contact anymore)." 1. For what reason(s)? 2. Why would you have to wish? Couldn't you DECIDE? Or 'meet yourself in the middle' and just do half the amount of hours and effort? Scratch Q1 - you've answered it with this: "So she has good and bad days, on bad days it's mainly the crazy talking, insulting and coercive behaviour that comes to the fore. But it stays within limits. On good days you can have a bit of a normal chat with her. But it's no longer possible to build up any real depth, neither in conversations nor in interpersonal relationships. So yes, my "real mother" has passed away, even though she is alive. " I expect the other reasons are because, unintentional yet uncontrollable or not - Emotional & Verbal Abuse is still Abuse, right? Plus, you've already dedicated enough of yourself and your life to her (and him); you need to be free to live your own life now. Is it time to call in the professional Carers yet? I imagine, however, that those perfectly natural thoughts and needs trigger "the guilts" every time, though - correct?" So, yes its this what i said that gets me on an emotional level but its also this: I do the best i can since ever and thats the least. I don't remember when the floor was last really deep cleaned for example. When I was still living with them it was a bit easier to take care of things but also there it was a mess and I just did what I could (also the emotional part was harder, cause I had to deal with my mom on a daily basis.) I could decide to just not help them anymore, but I can't do that. It's against every moral I have. Why do you not hire a professional carer for them? Well, My father refuses help from "outside". I had more than one discussion with him about that. Even my fiance and also his doctor tried, but he's to stubborn. He says he can still do things like cooking and cleaning (you can't imagine how dirty it is everywhere) and he doesn't need help. He simply don't let them in, when I tried without his consent. I know that he is deeply ashamed that the house is a mess and that he himself can't do much anymore. When I said that I need help he kind of understood and almost agreed the last time we spoke about it. And to be honest I'm totally overwhelmed, I don't know what I could say or do that he agrees on it. And I'm also tired of having to be the person who has to sort everything out. I don't want that responsibility. He's still able to call somewhere and just get information, for example, but it all falls on me (even to call his doctor for new receipts for his or my mum's medication). So I'm doing the least. Just as much that they have something to eat and something to wear and of course medical stuff. My fiance and I both don't have a drivers license. We just never could afford it. so this makes things also tough. We have a E-Bike with bike trailer, with which we do the grocery shopping once or twice a week, that makes it a bit easier than in the past where I did that with a normal bike or by foot/public transport. Now with my back troubles my fiancè does this part. My father don't wants this elderly food delivery and we live in a small city so there is also no online service of any groceriestore. Some stuff he gets from Amazon, though. So I'm currently talking to my fiancé about what I can do, what he can do, and what we should just leave alone because neither of us has the strength. Since my father got that chronic wounds I've never been able to go on vacation for longer than a week. Because the wound dressing has to be changed regularly, at the latest after 3 days. So we sometimes manage with his doctor that he does the bandage change once so we can stay somewhere for at least a week (he is the only person besides us who can step a foot in this house). Of course I feel sometimes like I'm the worst daughter of all time even though I know I already do my best and that this shouldn't be my fight entirely. I'm an only child, my aunt and uncle and cousins where when i was little really close then something happened, I still don't know what it was and from one day to another they canceled every contact and when the sickness of my mother first showed the rest of my family left us on our own (I also can imagine that my father refused any help here too). "on the whole I'm coping well and I'm happy about every slightly better day when we have a good chat. " What, as a percentage, would you say, is the Dark To Light ratio of good days versus bad? And how rapidly has that shifted, recently? What you're going through is the long, drawn-out Goodbye that victims of Altzheimers go through. And by 'victim', I actually mean, the Nearest & Dearest, not the Alz. sufferer themselves! But Altzheimers (at that level) tends only to last up to 5 or so years, whereas - HOW LONG have you been your mother's Caregiver? Does your head in, though, doesn't it: Oh, today she's here!...Oh, but today she's "the monster"....here!...gone!...back again - oh wait, gone again!.... It's like being haunted, isn't it...despite the person isn't actually dead - or tantamount (full-time insane). Would you say her condition makes her act uncannily similar to a Narcissist? If you're unsure - let's check. You list all the offensive and hurtful behaviours and verbals you can think of for me. It's 50/50 and not at all like anything narcissistic - she is sick, not calculating, not even subconsciously.. But yeah, you really never know what you get. Sometimes she's friendly at the beginning and suddenly it turns into bad. She has a lot of trigger wich start the nonsense talking. So to paint you a clearer picture this is how it goes on a good-then bad or bad day: I say Hello when I arrive this is the first indicator that Shows me if it's a good or a bad day. Bad day: nonsense talking to me saying hello, something like "Oh god, what does this whore want here again? Eeek. Leave me alone!!" or something like that "everyone ran away, so! we have no sun cream! i'll report you to the police, you wanker! Even if it rains, so!" Then most of the time follows more nonsense talking or some stuff like "name of family member - burned, name of another family member - burned, name of another family member - burned.." which she illustrates with the gesture/compulsive action by pantomiming the act of lighting a lighter and this goes on for several minutes (sometimes she gestures/ makes a complusive action like shes stabbing with a knife also her words change then). Then sometimes she clears up a little and notice that im there but the visuals are most of the time heavy so she comes closer to me (to look me in the face) and says for example something like "Have you looked in the mirror today? You have those ugly red eyes again.uuuhhgghh. are you okay?" Most of the time, she doesn't see me, but someone/something else. It could be someone from my family or former circle of acquaintances. But I've also been German politicians or celebrities. Rarely she really attacks my person. Then I know, I don't really talk to her this day cause really everything is a trigger and this will start all over again :D.... On good days that turn to bad ones, she's friendly at first, talks normal but gets triggert by something I or my dad says (there is no special thing this happens really random) then she starts talking nonsense etc. or sometimes she suddenly gets really worried and asks me things like ‘did i sit on you tonight? It felt like I was sitting on you and you were calling for help. does something hurt you? did someone stab you? I was stabbed in the night.... did you feel that? Are you okay?’ By ‘it stays within limits" I meant ‘it's not as bad as it used to be’, i.e. when she starts talking or acting out, it no longer lasts all day. She used to talk sometimes day and night, literally 24/7, until she was hoarse. Sometimes I had to put on headphones with music to go to sleep because she would walk up and down the corridor where my room was and talk nonsense all night long. She also threw things away, like the water filter, because she thought the water was poisoned. I regularly checked the rubbish bin and other places where she had put things. Before one stay in the psychiatric ward, for example, she stabbed a stool belonging to the couch with a pair of scissors. That sounds intense, but she was never a danger to others. She was admitted again once because she no longer wanted to eat and drink (she thought it was poisoned) and was therefore a danger to herself. And of course those are only a few things that happened. So for me, it's not ‘abuse’ in the classic sense, but psychological terror. when I moved out, I realised how extreme it all was. the peace and quiet was indescribably beautiful. that's why I try to leave quickly when she has a bad day... i can't take it anymore, even if it's not as bad as it used to be. On good days, we talk completely normally—I tell her about my work, she tells me what she’s watched on TV, we talk about the weather or some celebrity drama (she’s always more informed about that than I am), or she shows me the new clothes she ordered (she always wants to give me one, no matter if it’s my size or not :D). Those are the days when she hugs me and tells me that she loves her “little daughter”... those are the moments when she feels kinda like my mother again.

Wee extract: "A benevolent or altruistic narcissist is tricky to spot. They are not your typical narcissists because they are giving and caring and show every sign of loving you. They grant you attention, time, and effort. They’re very generous in that way, but when they turn on you, it’s just as devastating as with any narcissist. You’ll feel attacked, confused, shocked, devalued and discarded … sound familiar?") uff, yes. ...could be it...that screams: ITS HER! And I did some reading, even googled for other examples of how something like this could manifest itself....and what should I say...there were numerous things that applied to her. "Bet you any money you like, she is NOT engaged. It won't have been consensual, just forced (they can nag and minimise, as well as emotionally manipulate, like no other, until you 'make the Hell stop' by agreeing (or cough-apologising) innit). (Google something like, "Narcissist wears you down".) This explains why her Fiance STRANGELY *WASN'T* too chuffed and excited (like a man whose own idea it was too) to keep it to himself for aaaaaall that time and (by what you infer) opportunities to." Well, I do think they’re really engaged. I believe he proposed to her during their trip to Norway (I mean, it doesn’t get much more romantic than a glass cabin where you can watch the northern lights). But I also think that, to some extent, he might have been manipulated or pressured into it. I’m pretty sure she must have gone on and on about how terrible my proposal was and how awful it was that we expected her to be happy for us. She 1000% painted everything in the worst possible light, saying she would *never* want a proposal like that and that he should “put in more effort” than my fiancé did. I bet he stored that information in his head as: “Don’t tell anyone what I’m planning, because it’s absolutely *horrible* to ask for help from someone V likes, and she doesn’t want any fuss about it.” And I’m sure she also made him feel guilty about the fact that we got engaged before them, even though we haven’t been together as long as they have. **For context, here’s a short summary of the whole drama surrounding my engagement:** After I had told V about five times that my fiancé was *a little* disappointed that the other friend wasn’t there (the one she *could* have brought along), but that we weren’t mad at anyone and still thought the moment was amazing—blah blah—V kept bringing up Reddit. (I don’t know if you’re familiar with it, but if not, it’s a massive online forum with countless subforums on pretty much any topic you can think of.) There’s a subreddit where people ask if they’re the asshole in a particular situation. She kept mentioning how funny she found the posts there and that she liked checking in every now and then. **Two months after my engagement, I thought to myself one evening:** “Hm... weird that she kept *so specifically* pointing me towards that subreddit... Maybe I should check if there’s something about my engagement, since she still brings it up.” And guess what I found? Yep. A post about my engagement. In it, she wrote that my fiancé didn’t manage to do anything properly, that she was the one who picked the location and planned it all and so on. And then, as if that wasn’t enough, she claimed that the ‘acquaintance’ (aka the friend she wanted to bring) had the *audacity* to say, *“I appeal to you, it’s about them,”* when V didn’t want to bring her along because she refused to meet her halfway. Of course, I asked my friend, my fiancé, and the other friend who was there, what was actually true about that post. And—surprise, surprise—it was all blown way out of proportion, as always. Some stuff were just lies anyway. She even actively commented on the responses from people in that thread, including saying that I wasn’t the type to argue but that the situation was *just the tip of the iceberg* and that she had been considering cutting contact with me for a long time. After finding all of this, my fiancé and I decided *not* to bring it up (don’t ask me why… I don’t know either). Then there was actually a longer period where we didn’t talk (I think around two months), but then she reached out again, and I let her back into my life. For a little time, this whole situation also kept me from posting here—I didn’t want to be like her. (Which, I’m not. You can’t even compare it.) So yeah, there are some ticks i wanna set in this whole thing too....and in everything you mentioned as well. I also think this "I'm not going to tell her I'm engaged over the phone. If I do, she'll have to make an effort, like I did with her back then" story stems from this very situation. She was hoping I'd find this Reddit post and make a fuss about it so she could ruin everything for me because, in her opinion, I/we didn't appreciate enough what she "did for us." And since that didn't work out, the "I won't tell her, only in person" story was the "revenge" story. Does that make sense? :D

"(PPPS: As some more R&R and wee brain-break - Have you read the thread that's currently your next-door-neighbour on the main board? If you fancy some 'what the serious cluck?!', check it out.... and then, if/when you've time, tell me what you think ...aaaand perhaps suspect? Regardless of anything else, however, it's just EFFING WEIRD! I've been picturing it and - EW!....WHAT?!.....BUT - EWWWWW!.....BUT - WHAT?! That's a flippin' First, that is!" I read it too and just thought, "What the fuck?" :D The descriptions really planted some vivid images in my head that I absolutely did not want to see :D but oh well, I wouldn’t even know what to say to that except the obvious: "Don´t know maybe just look away?!" :D That's it from me for today, now it's your turn. I'm curious to hear everything you have to say :) Take your time :)

PS: Oh, so she made it out of her (alleged) Depression. Rah-rah for her....SHE AIN'T (thus far) LIFELONG ILL ON TOP, THOUGH, IS SHE! If there'd been nothing as wrong as all that but you were seeing her less - THEN she'd have a case! Anyway, matters not what you did or didn't do 'wrong'. The point is: she deals with it like a Narcissist. For starters, good friends, the minute they clash by text, RING ONE ANOTHER! (Jeez...) And there's her spouting about how you don't put in the effort? Whaddafeckingliberty! Anyway, I'll see what you've put now before I continue picking apart the second half of your last-but-one post...

PS: "So for me, it's not ‘abuse’ in the classic sense, but psychological terror." The impact and effect still works as Abuse. Someone stabs you in the big-toe, accidentally, rather than deliberately. Still agony, right? This is about your health. Staying away from toxicity from now on (onwards and upwards and all that, even if you do take her back but under renegotiated, concreted, terms & conditions).

Nope, it's no good...It needs picking apart because a part of you is still viewing her through the Normal Person lens. (Plus, she's annoying!) First-off: when our best friend gets engaged, we have to do what has got our species this far and high: ADAPT. She now goes in the queue behind Fiance. S'not your rules, it's just the rules. So clearly she has trouble .....CHANGING (tick!). My comments in double brackets when inside/around the text sentances... "So the message from Voldemortina ((- sounds like a type of mould haha)) said: --------------------------------- *Hi CreativeNick, I just need to get something off my chest. ((Narc-characteristic Tick! for not asking for live for something so allegedly important; they LOVE their shield called Mobile Phone.)). You've been acting really strangely lately. ((Should be, You SEEM to have been. (Tick! for her deciding how you are/feel, without even asking you!...you ain't both teenagers).) I didn't say anything the other time with another friend when you "didn't have time until 6pm" and then cancelled "because you didn't have time". ((HUH? CLARIFY PLEASE? Unless you've gone on to do it below.)) Afterwards I found out that you were skipping work ((SKIPPING? - how insulting! Tick! Projecting, too, re what she's like so what SHE'D be up to - Tick!)) anyway...just like now on Wednesday, you can't come until 5pm and then you just cancelled and today I found out you're on holiday for the whole week. ((DITTO?)) Sorry but that's really antisocial and there's no excuse. ((It's unsociable, maybe (or would be IF), but hardly antisocial so - Tick! How the eff does SHE know there's no excuse?? - Tick!)) ((Every single sentance so far, look. She ain't doing very well, is she.)) I'm just writing to tell you that I'm not stupid ((Who said she was? OTT Emotional Blackmail alert - Tick!)) ((I tend to say: insult yerself, darlin, you ain't getting any help from me!)) and I'm not going to let myself be fooled like that anymore. ((Jeez...hung, drawn & quartered and not even a Jury, look! Tick!)) I really don't mean it in a bad way but I wanted to come clean." (HAH!! Doncha? Coulda fooled us!?) (- Am talking to her, btw.) How can that not be meant in a bad way?...." Precisely. All it should have said was - "Hey, mate, I really need to talk to you, please can we have a phone conversation tonight/tomorrow?". PS: I've just straightened-out a handful of your meddled-with neurons, haha...10p please. "My message to her (one day later): ---------------------------------- Good, sensible pause, noted. If you're GOING to, I mean. *I still don't know what to say about it... I don't want to fool anyone or make them look stupid. Things can come up on vacation too, it wasn't my fault. I had my reasons for not going to work on the spur of the moment and it wasn't because I just didn't feel like going to work. I still had a lot to do that day, that was just the way it was. But it doesn't matter now, my "excuses" don't work anyway. ((Touche! - well done.)) I'm sorry if you felt like you were being fooled, that was definitely not my intention.* Dumb me, saying sorry for things I dont have to say sorry for. oh god how bad.. I cancelled meetings twice within a short period of time because I just couldn't make it. And i didn´t say why i can´t make it... I am the worst person in the world, aren´t I? :D Well, SHE thinks so (or wants us to think she does)! Her approach, aside from all the ticks, is petulant, resentful and a case of shooting first, asking questions afterwards-(nnooot!). Next time, just - 'Fooling you or anyone is never my intention'. Feel the difference? Why the eff should you defend yourself of something you haven't done, let alone apologise for it? You can be sympathetic, as in, "Heyy, where's all this silly nonsense coming from?", but don't kow-tow like that. Not that you were to know, but, if there's a next time. We live and learn, eh. Her response: ------------- *mhh... I don't know, I'm really hurt and disappointed." The way she puts that....soo superior and judgmental. What was wrong with - 'Then why do I feel so neglected?' Or - this point, surely, was when it was time to say - Can we switch this to the phone, please? I think that'd be more reassuring?)) "It's not about something coming up. We agreed on it on Wednesday a week before and then asked again the day before. So apart from a bad car accident, I can't think of anything else that could come up on a vacation day." "And the most important thing about it is that it's your business why you can't go, but that you don't even give the reasons for cancellations at such short notice or in general. It's a complete secret. I thought you were a close friend of mine so that I would at least find out the reason. But I'm not even doing that now. In all honesty, CreativeNick, I write to you saying I felt like I was being made fun of and you make me wait a day?" "MAKE her", look. Compare: 'Leave me waiting for a day?'. Subtle diff but - can you see it and how actually chasmic it is in terms of the things it gives away about her and her attitude? "And then you say "I had my reasons" you've become so different. And I just think it's a shame about the friendship, but apparently it only exists on one side, I'm starting to get the feeling. I really feel like a bitch who doesn't understand that the guy doesn't want anything from her.* BASICALLY, this woman can't handle the CONSEQUENCES of her long run of actions. She wants carte blanche to treat you shoddily and get away with it (swat Narx do). The fact of having KICKED THE LOVE (AND then the Like) OUT OF YOU! The fact you can't face her (I know that feeling!), to keep her completely informed, even when by-rights you should (and by inference, clearly would normally)...just...."CAN'T"...can't bring yourself. (Natural response to a predator btw.... that, 'it's last day of summer hols and I haven't done my homework' feeling, but worse. More than dread - paralysis.) "Excuuuuuseee meeeee whaaaaat the *uuuuuck!!! "Well, apart from a bad car accident, I can't think of anything else that could happen on a vacation day"....This sentence in particular (and everything else too) made me so freaking angry today when I read it again, and it did back then too. But the stupid me from back then simply let some time pass so that I didn't respond angrily, in my mind i was like ". And then i justified myself again even though I don't owe her any accountability. I also tried to answer as polite as possible and even apologised at the end.." Haha - yeah! Who died and made HER Lady Mayor in-charge of what's normal or not? - "*I* say that only THIS would be acceptable course of action to take towards Royal Us! (Me, I'd have been tempted at that point to have come back with: 'Well, now that you mention it - one of my legs DID drop off in the night... Does that count?'). "This was my response:" Uh-oh, haha. "*I made you wait a day because maybe I was also hurt that you called me antisocial." 'No WAAAY!' / 'WAYYYYY!" (...It's so nice of you to sponsor a retarded mental patient...Take her on nice walks, do you? PMSL) OMG...I'm snort-laughing right now. There's deiberately Obtuse and then there's that. (Playing Dumb Tick!) You see? They can do NOTHING! WRONG!....even when they SO JUST BEEPING HAVE!...RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! (Cuckoo-cuckoo-cuckoo!) Nah- ...They do know, even if only deep down. Some, on the other hand, ARE actually aware...have harnessed their own sickness in order to make it work better for them. (After all, these Coverts can hold down a job just fine, note...funny THAT!) It's just, they use words and rational-SOUNDING argument as a haranguing, insulting/revenge and punishmentU/training tool....a Boot campaign of intimidation. Seriously - I'd have said: 'Unless you're going to end with ordering a pizza - this is not a conversation I'm prepared to have by piddly text. Ring me or tell me when to ring you, okay?' OR - 'I'm going through something, give me a couple of days and I'll ring you I repeat, you are far more polite than I. Save that for polite people in-future, yeh? Conserve your healing energy. (Can you see how she's been making you waste a lot of it? They like you to stay DOWN. Easier to psychologically enslave you.) "I didn’t think it was that dramatic," HHHHhhhhh?!?...DID YOU NOT?!.....WHAAAAAAT? (SWOONS....SIRENS...Crystal Carrington... haha). Sorry, but, she deserves to have the pee taken. Oh - and - Tick!...they bloody love pointless drama, they do...it's a great smoke-screen, you see - this case, her trying to TAME AND TRAIN YOU to always please Her Royal Travesty and eff the rules and reality (and your fiance - and you). She comes first, second and third, and reality and human pairbonding nature can just bog off! "and I actually really would have liked to come. The reason I didn’t explain earlier was just a reaction to your "no excuse counts" comment." (Put simply: Then you shouldn't have been a COW to me yesterday, should ya!) God, this SO reminds me... The sky is NOT Blue, it is Porange with Pinky-Green Spots! (/ 'Yeezzzz, that's right Dear, yezzzz....("MATRON?!")'.) "The reason was that I had to go grocery shopping for my parents, and I couldn’t postpone it. When I was at their place, I ended up in a long discussion with my dad. I originally wanted to go on Thursday because I had to go to the doctor for his medication anyway, but then my dad called me just before I texted that I’d be late, telling me they had nothing left because they had eaten everything already." Wakey-wakey! It's none of her ucking business because she's just treated you incredibly shoddily! Not until she apologised (and meant it by never repeating it!). You do NOT have to speak to someone who treats you like that. Next time: Sorry, thanks to that message of yours, I don't want to speak to you yet. And then shut down all comms. HEALTHY, REASONABLE, RATIONAL, JUSTIFIED Silent Treatment (to avoid further injury). "The days before, I had spent with my Boyfriend because of our anniversary. We had actually planned two weeks of vacation, but in the end, we only had three days off together, so we used those for day trips. ((sidenote: i dont really remember why only 3 days, I think he had to step in at work because someone got sick.))" You selfish barstools! Shoulda taken her WITH ya! (joke) (obvs) Interesting she didn't remember it was your anni, eh.......EH. Mee-me-mee-me-mee-me-meee-MEEEEEE! / "Wheeeeeeee, KER-BOOM!....". You know the real why, don't you? She isn't in-love with her own so-called Fiance. He ain't that big a deal. Just a tool. See it now? Otherwise, why isn't SHE naturally less available? (That's a Gotcha....thank-you, fans...) "So, I left right after showering, got to my parents' place around 5:30 PM, and then the discussion with my dad started—mainly, as always, about my mom, etc. So, I wrote that I probably wouldn’t make it anymore and that it wouldn’t really be worth it. I could have left at 7 PM and would’ve only arrived in location shortly before 8 PM. And you had already said that you wouldn’t stay long." And even that is being generous about it! Oh, but who CARES if you're inconvenienced and knackered-out! The Queen of Farts has summoned you! (Bleugh.) (Not a narc my arse. Sure - Benign...but as you see, that doesn't count for much; you still end up constanatly wanting to push them down the stairs (joke, sadly, but we can always name her Slinky?).) "I wasn’t in a great mood, so I didn’t go into more detail." I'm just impressed you went THAT far! You're FAR more polite than I, Gunga Din! (...Gunga Hush, actually...until pushed too far.) Note, this irreplaceable quantum of energy, however, could have gone on mending some more of your bodily tissue, brain wiring and immune system? In fact, next time, when you read a text like that, just say this: 'Ugh' or 'WTF?'. (Or even - If you're GOING to behave like a Narc, you can Narc-Off until you've recovered yourself.) And nothing else. Her foul poo on your lino (which let's not forget, was a follow-up to the original one)? - She can do all the hard work, cleaning it up again! That's just normal. And what a normal person would expect. "Plus, I wouldn’t want to share all of this in the group chat anyway." It was a group chat as well??? OMG. "I also think it’s kind of sad that you reacted so strongly instead of just asking what was going on." THERE we go - you got it (- I hadn't read ahead, just spotted few phrases). ("Thlup!") "I know you can’t magically sense when I’m feeling like crap, and you did ask how I was doing, but I’m just not the kind of person who likes to talk about these things." Yeah. They have that effect, I find. "Lately, I haven’t been feeling great in general. I often feel completely unmotivated, kind of depressed somehow (that was also one of the reasons I didn’t go to work)." Yeah. They have THAT effect as well! (Did you know that?) "I get annoyed so quickly, I’m frustrated with work and my parents, and I often just feel sad for no real reason. Right now, I still manage to get up in the morning, but honestly, I’d rather just stay in bed. It’s not this bad every day, mostly when I’m alone." (Ditto, ditto, and ditto.) "I haven’t even told my Boyfriend about this..." HAHAHAHAHA - "...yet" (cocks gun). "So, I’m sorry for reacting so snappily. You are definitely an important friend to me.* Ah, that's really nice.... Too nice for her, but so what... We don't change for unreasonable, irrational, arrogant, over-entitled, spoilt-brat idiots, who only want to leave us no longer Us because they intend to take our personality and put it with their 'sewn-together' one (ref the body suit in Silence of The Lambs, just the psych version. To varying degrees per severity, obviously. Invasion of The Personality Snatchers.) PS: I see no snappiness btw. You sound perfectly matter-of-fact (, considering!!). "oh my, oh my ... i really wanted her to like me again... Do you see how I included a justification for not being able to do the grocery shopping on a different day in advance? I was expecting that Voldemortina wouldn't let me get away with it otherwise." Yup. But that's a NORMAL abnormal response to Abnormally Narcissistic Incoming. Seen it a thousand times. It's too our credit, in fact. (Right Qualities - Wrong Recipient). Imagine the state of the world if we intrinsically healthies didn't have the natural urge to fix? "And she made me tell her what was wrong with me, what I didn't want to share from the beginning and had never shared with anyone else, i also was really good at masking, as really no one noticed something was off with me. thats so fucked up, why did i do that?" Because - look at how she treats you and talks to you! "...And to be honest, I don't remember if we wanted to meet just the two of us or with others at both occasions...but since I mentioned the group chat, it can only mean that we wanted to meet in a larger group...which somehow makes the whole thing even more ridiculous." Yyyip. "Her response: --------------- Aww, gaawd "*I'm really sorry to hear that you're not doing well right now," RIGHT NOW. (Ach!) (Minimising/Denying - Tick!) ((Oy, Narcie - it's called "How are you - you've been very quiet - everything okay?". Swat genuine friends who feel CONCERNED, rather than paranoid, resentful and vindictive as if It's All About Them, at your going AWOL, do, duuuh?)) It's a good job you weren't dead, eh! ('B*tch hasn't called me for WEEKS...bet she's doing it deliberately!' :D) "and now I can understand it much better." ((Well, then, what a shame that in order for you to understand it better, you had to punch at and poo all over your alleged, perfectly nice best friend's HEAD, FIRST!)) What a price to (ostensibly) have to pay to get something through alleged-Forrestina's skull, eh? No wonder you're knackered. "Like you said, I can't just sense these things. I actually really wish you had told me. Then I could have also told you that I’m not doing well either." (('Never mind you - ME, ME, MEEEE again!')) Here, you wanna tell her you've heard Putin's got it in for her. Bet she'd believe you and book a place to Mars! But, back to seriousness: that's funny... She didn't earlier sound to me as though she thought she could be sensing the situation wrong and hostilely, or something - did she you? She sounded VERY certain of what was up. (She should make truck beeping noises if she's going to try to reverse that suddenly-rapidly.) ...Not a narc. ARE YOU PIGGING KIDDING ME? She's a CLASSIC! And I want to push her off a cliff already! So that tell me aaaalll I need to know. I'm like a walking Litmus paper or Barometer, I am (and BS-detector). "Maybe we could have supported each other—just sitting next to each other, watching a sad movie, and letting it all out. Maybe that's also why I reacted so strongly yesterday, simply because I’m not in a good place myself..." ((THAT DOES NOT JUSTIFY SHOOTING AND PUNCHING FIRST AND (not even!) ASKING QUESTIONS AFTER!)) SEE? She has still managed to get away with INJURING YOU! Seeing it? It's like you're a wooden fence. Enough fists through it and there becomes more holes than fence. And then it disintegrates. (You Are Here.) "You know, every time I talk to my boyfriend about you, I always say that you are a very special friend to me. Because I truly care about you, especially after our voluntary social year. And because you're the only person I know who understands what it's like when I say I don't really have a family and that I’m on my own." ((SORRY - WHAT, LUV? I'M A BIT BUSY JUST THIS MINUTE, TRYING TO STEM THE SPURTING ARTERY WHERE YOU JUST MULTIPLY STABBED ME - WITH YOU IN A TICK! (...hah - 'Tick' is right...but I've given up ticking now...the signs and symptoms are everywhere....she is positively RIDDLED!) Be honest. This is like a conversation with a spoiled, stroppy 12/13-year-old girl who has no appreciation of anyone or anything beyond her own wants and needs. And then pretends to backtrack and apologise, but - again, NOTE! - only once the punch-holes into your fence are safely insitu (ffffffunny that). (Me, I always say - Sorry tends NOT to do it in the first place.) AND, FYI, THAT'S *WHY* THEY OUTRAGEOUSLY OVERREACT! "That’s exactly why I make sure to get you gifts for your birthday, with a card, or come to your graduation, and so on. I don’t even get my best friend anything (it’s not about material things)." ((Wanna type that as a list, luv, labelled 'What about everything unremarkable that I've ever done for you (despite you've done loads more)'?)) PS: It's funny how so special you are to her yet still worth dangling unsafely over a cliff-edge, isn't it. (rolls eyes) Blah-blah-BLAH-blah-blah, blah, BLAH. (Yawn) "But just because, over the years, I’ve felt like we were a kind of family to each other. ((It was really nice that she was there at the graduation ceremony of my training, as my parents couldn't go and I would have been the only one there without family (of course my fiancé was there anyway) also nice thing with the gifts, now I must think I'm something special if she doesn't even give presents to her best friend..gosh)) HAHA, you're ahead of me! Yeah, clearly that was all a HUUUGE effort (Scooby Clue). Normal-healthy friend - your graduation - TAKEN AS READ that they'll be there. Because THEY would want to! It doesn't deserve a pigging medal! I think your healthy standards and stubborn sticking to them have over the years proven too much for her, in the faked efforts stakes, hence, now, starting to fight dirty. Agree? That text of hers was an Ambush, note. "But since you’ve been with your boyfriend, it really feels like we’re strangers." ((No, luv - since you've upped your cow-ness, PLUS, my having a fiance now-how-very-dare-I.)) (Don't mind me - I'm just putting words in your mouth, haha.) "I barely hear from you." ((Cos you're a COW.)) "And there have just been a few things that really hurt me and made me feel left out—things I already mentioned or, for example," ((Oh! So you're sorry but you're NOT sorry! Cos here you are, launching into it again. Got it,...right... ("Bed 2, Psychiatrist, Stat!")) "with your boyfriends birthday. And I know that none of it was intentional or meant in a bad way, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. ((Context: She mentioned my boyfriend's birthday party. He had invited a few friends but not Voldemortina and her boyfriend... of course she had expected to be invited too. I didn't think about it or interfere with who he invited, it's not my birthday and he can decide for himself who he invites and who he doesn't. she was shocked when se found out like three days in advance that there will be the party and of course i said "oh im so sorry, i forgot about you, you can come if you want")) (Cheers for the context. :) See how considerate and helpful you are? You do things properly. And that's how I know that not keeping Her Highness informed at every waking minute was unlike you - and why. You're a Bend-Over-Backwards-er and she's a Bend-You-Over-Backwards-er. And far further than is natural. I repeat: she's old enough to know that if you feel neglected, ASK your friend what's going on. Ain't Rocket Science. She's fullash*t. "Especially right now, I feel lonely as it is, like I don’t really have any friends…" ((Gosh, ya don't say! Life's a bleedin' mystery, ain't it, Violet Elizabeth?)) "So what happened with you on Wednesday was just the thing that pushed me over the edge." Ah! YOUR fault. Thought it might be. "I didn’t say that you were antisocial, but that it was an antisocial thing to do." ((F*ck-off. If you gave a shite, you'd stay well away from inflammatory words and phrases like that, given there are SO MANY others to choose from, ESPECIALLY as it wasn't even antisocial ANYWAY, you toddler-in-a-grown-up-suit!)) "I’m sorry for saying it so harshly, but at that moment, I really thought, Wow… she really doesn’t care at all about what I’m writing. Especially because I thought you were doing really well now, living with your boyfriend and all.((sure, all my problems just vanished when i moved out from my parents))" Yeah, yeah, excuses-excuses. ***PS: Red Flag/Giant Id-ing-in-one, Tick: ***I'm sorry but.*** Re-read it with 'but' omitted. Feel the diff (-ish, given what she is)? (PPS: Haha....Night Nurse on-legs...one lick before each bedtime!) (Let's nickname him Lourdes, hahahah!) "I definitely apologize for snapping at you," ((No, luv, I think you'll find I've just shown you definitely *don't*)) PS: FYI, whenever I 'shove' the OP (you) out of the way to talk/yell directly at them - that is the greatest indication that they not only are a Narc but are not quuuuite Benign enough. Sozzies. I know it's horrid and heartbreaking to realise but...happens LITERALLY to the best of us. "now that I understand the full context. But I’m still hurt—" ((Oh, are you hurt for a third time? - we didn't know that.)) "especially because last night, I ended up crying, thinking that you just didn’t care at all (since you didn’t reply).* ((Aww, p*ss oooooff)) Isn't that just so galling? The ONLY person whom had the right to be crying, was YOU! *******DARVO ALERT, DARVO ALERT! (Google "Martha Stout - The Pity Play"!, and realise she's worse than we thought!) (super-sozzies).******* News for you: You haven't even seen the full scope of her. Probably because she's had a right fight on her hands, just to get merely to Stage One Priming! HAHAHAH! Well done...seriously! You're pretty slime-proof, which is rare and EXCELLENT news! "Guess what I did after that message? That's right, I apologized and even said that I was the one who overreacted... because now I felt bad because she was not in a good place too and I made it worse..." Aim, Fire, Bullseye. Don't worry - everyone falls for it. Blame your healthy programming under Relating To Other Human Beings - just for not working on a slightly but deeply, interrelationally-insane and/or feral person. "so then I was the bad one," Haha, yeah, I've noticed. "most likely the depressed one who doesn't talk about it casually because that's what normal people with depression always do" ((Eff-off do they, you freak of Nature. Only Pity-Ployers like you do that. And a few rare brave people, granted...but we don't get all this rest of crap with it when that's the case.)) "... gosh I'm so angry...how could I not see that??" As you can tell - just READING her and I'm fuming! Good. You're NORMAL. She ain't. "Or maybe I did see that but still did everything I could to keep her or the illusion of a possible deep friendship, even if only in my head?" That one! It's natural to want to be SURE-sure-sure before giving something important up. Just normal. But Normal/functional gets made all wrong when trying to apply it to Dysfunctional. That's all, it's no biggie on your part. It's actually a huge credit to you. My final response: ----------------- (...and then a lie-down, LOL) *I'm sorry that I didn't reply to you right away… I overreacted. And I’m also sorry if I disappointed or hurt you. You’re really important to me, and I also see you as part of my family. What - they're as sneaky-slippery-hurtful-despotic as her, are they? "You’ve supported me through some really shitty times when no one else cared." It's called Normal Close Friendship Duties and Expectations - what of it? Oh, wait, I remember...'Ughf...such an effort for the poor dear, ugh'. Oh, boy, did she "manage down your expectations"! (- google, prefixed with Narcissist) "I didn’t tell you about this right away because I’ve had these phases before, and they usually sorted themselves out after a few weeks. And honestly, I’m just really bad at admitting these things openly…" ((Truthfully, luv, it's because you SMELL.)) "Especially when we did spend time together, it was mostly with the guys, so there wasn’t really a chance for the topic to come up. And even if there had been, I wouldn’t have talked about it in front of them anyway." This STILL shouldn't have been done by text. In future - DON'T EVER. Don't give them that advantage. Make them fight on YOUR ground (you'll find they won't...forget all about it or suddenly feel all better blah-blah). You, womansplaining like this - as if to a young child - is precisely what she was angling for (or one of the things). Sneaky Reassurance - in the form of making you go to huge effort - manipulated hurtfully out of you instead of JUST ASKED NICELY. Remember that. I mean - who wants to have to be put through the ringer every time, just because the other person cannot bear normal-level vulnerability in front of their supposed friend, whereby they can use their big girl words, which go - You've been very quiet - are we okay? It's exhausting! Life's too short and energy too limited and finite. "I also think it’s a shame that we haven’t seen each other as much lately. But that’s also because I’m pretty exhausted after work and don’t really feel like doing much. Things with Boyfriend are good, everything’s fine there. Maybe we can go out for a drink or something next week and talk about everything again?* Yup! Nothing whatsoever wrong with you, CN. Except that you don't want to be locked in a small space, made to face and clean up someone else's COMPLETELY NEEDLESS AND AVOIDABLE toxic POO. With a damn toothbrush. "The really shitty times was when I split up with my ex-boyfriend, who I had been with for over 10 years. that was also a pretty toxic relationship... that was a really hard breakup and I didn't know how to be alone anymore and what I could/should do on my own. She really helped me then, distracted me with activities." Probably inadvertently. "Before this thing, she messaged me like a few months earlier also about the issue that i dont have time for her, because I do spent a lot of time with my boyfriend. Also after this there were 3 more messages from her about me not doing enough in that friendship." I repeat: it's NOT just that you spend a lot of time with your Fiance now, is it. It's that and the fact, SHE'S A COW! "I have to show, that was straight in pandemic 2020, like first lockdown:" Yeah, go on, then, haha. It's hard NOT to find them morbidly fascinating. "*Hey CreativeNick, I don’t know if you’ve noticed the last few times, but lately, I’ve been finding it really difficult to do things with you and your boyfriend. I don’t want to attack you or start a big argument, but I just can’t continue like this." Huh? "We’ve talked about this so many times already—I feel like very little comes from you. The last time we planned a gaming night, you kept us waiting for 1.5 hours, and the whole thing with Sky wasn’t cool either. For me, it’s about how you react to situations like that. I don’t want to drag your boyfriend into this because this is mainly about you and me." ((And yet you DO drag him in. Funny, that. ...Oh, and - I myself don't want to call you a spoilt-baby, controlling, nasty-mouthed, Covert! Aww, whoops?)) "Whether it’s Hamburg, Heidelberg, or other plans, it often feels like my boyfriend and I aren’t really included and have to invite ourselves." ((Yes. Because you're a COW - I keep tellin ya!)) "I constantly feel like I’m second choice," ((Yes. Because - MOO! Shame you couldn't tell or work it out all by your wickle Forrestie self!)) It's un-get-over-ably FUNNY how that works, isn't it, CN...Life's allegedly a bleedin' mystery for some... "and at some point, it’s not just a matter of forgetting. Every weekend, I barely hear anything from you, but you’re always spending time with your boyfriend´s people." ((Cos you're a cow and he's not....*shrug*)) On a serious note, however: Note how it is NOT just infrequent attacks and outbursts with this one. It's also hidden in the bloody detail of everything they say and how they say it and why, etc. So - Benign, my arse. Just DEEPLY Covert. Well marinaded. In their very pores. "It feels like everything has to come from me,and when I suggest a trip or something, it seems like you’re not really interested—like with Sweden. Like I said, we’ve talked about these things so many times, but I can’t just keep swallowing it down and telling myself you don’t mean it badly. And when we do things together in a group, we barely talk to each other anymore. Pretty much everything happening in my life right now, you don’t really notice, and I guess it’s the same the other way around. That just doesn’t feel like friendship to me—I imagine something different.* Ber-luddy HELL, doesn't she go ON?! ((Labour it and repeat it over and over why doncha!)) AGAIN: Should have been a phone call or, ideally, a face-to-face! Definitely! And that begs the question: why didn't SHE want it to be? Answer's obvious, isn't it. My response: ----------- *Hey Voldemortina," (Haha!) "I need to process this first..." GOOD ANSWER! ("Thlup!") "I have no idea how you think I should have responded more appropriately to your call about Sky. ((for context, My fiancé gave them both his Sky access and then it didn't work because my fiancé had given the access to someone else and no longer knew that you can only share it with a certain number of people." Hhhhhh! - shoot him at dawn!!! "As a result, they both got kicked out and I couldn't really do anything when she called because my fiancé was at work and so I said I will tell him when he gets home.))" And did you? And did he sort it? Or was there too little love left even then? "Regarding the gaming night—my boyfreind had already messaged that he’d be coming later, and I fell asleep because I was completely exhausted from work all week." Hhhh! - you b*tch! BET you did it deliberately! (Hahahahahaha!!!...'Three...Two...One - and I'm under!', pmsl.) "That’s why we both arrived later. ((also for context, that gaming night was on a friday night Online, due to the pandemic. so they were at home and just had to wait a bit in front of their PCs." Oooh noooooo...! (What - couldn't have a bonk instead??) "also there were 2 other friends playing with us, so they played some games, had a nice chat without us till we arrived)) In my current situation, I’m not doing anything with my boyfriend’s people either—I haven’t seen anyone in weeks. Before that, I did hang out with them more often because my boyfriend invites them and then asks if I want to join." And because they're not rotten, selfish, self-centred, uncaring, cows. "((Actually, I should have written "we all have to isolate ourselves right now, what do you want from me?"))" Yeah - damn! Hahaha. Never mind. The fact it's occurring to you now, finally, is the REAL cause celebre. And - it shows you their effect on you, right? "About the vacation... of course, I’d love to go on a trip with you. And since you mentioned Sweden—yeah, I’d be up for that too. But Sweden is expensive. Sure, we can set it as a goal for next year and save up for it, but how well that works out can be seen with my nonexistent driver’s license. I’m not hesitating about things like that because of you, but purely because of the money—I never know what might come up for me or my parents. ((also context, even if I don't go into it in my answer, but Hamburg and Heidelberg were holidays/day trips I had planned with my boyfriend and we wanted to go there alone, some alone time together, it's as simple as that." Hi verray DARE hyo! " When she mentioned that she also wanted to go to Hamburg, for example, we said we could plan that at some point, which we then did, but then Covid came and we couldn't go..))" Hurrah for Covid! I'll tell you precisely what your problem is and what you 'did wrong', CN: You're not super-mega-assertive enough for a Narc. (Oh, boo-hoo.) Albeit, on the other hand, you bloody ARE? Hahaha. She may be tricky but you're cleverer and can be even trickier...but only when Tricky WITH A Cause. Diff/all the diff. You'd make a superb counter-intelligence op, you would. (Me too, btw, haha) "The reason I haven’t reached out about making plans in the past few weeks is simply because of COVID. my boyfriend and I have both had repeated cases around us that we were in contact with. The risk was just too high to do anything. ((context, we both work in healthcare which was hell in the pandemic)) As for us not talking in the group anymore—from my side, it’s because you didn’t really respond to my last messages." Again -it is soooo TEDIOUS having to explain how the world works or what life looks like outside of their self-servingly narrow world view and beyond their own bloody noses - specifically, CON-SE-QUEN-CES-UH-UH-UH! Ugh....don't remind me (although, do) (you know what I mean). New Mantra for 'next' time: "Then you shoulda thoughta that." Simples! Output: practically zero! Seriously, they WANT you to oversplain like that, as if they really ARE incapable of knowing how things work. They want you EXHAUSTED. Makes you easier to manipulate. So - don't. If you REALLY must, you can add: '(shoulda thoughta that) before you went and did/said X/Y/Z!'. "I thought that sucked too… And of course, I noticed that something was off, but just two days ago—or whenever it was—you said everything was fine. ((I looked into what I meant by that. I asked about a few things that we could do together and she just didn't answer))" Uh-huh. Too salient. Also didn't suit her childishly dastardly plans. Seriously, given half the chance I'm sure she would have directly and/or indirectly tried to split you and Fiance up. Exhausting you whilst depriving HIM of your attention is Step One. Go google 'Narcissist - Isolation tactics'. "You know, I never want to hurt you in any way, because you really mean a lot to me, Voldemortina." HAHA! (It's not losing it's comedy value AT ALL, look!) But it's truer to say - she used to. Before she kicked it out of you. Still...finding yourself in such a position is unnerving...not something we instinctually knows how to deal with...because it's not natural. I mean - what are you supposed to say? 'Sorry, but it's because I don't think I like you any more - albeit some days I still do....Because you're a right cow'? " And it hurts when you often say that you feel like you don’t matter to me. I also think it sucks that we don’t really know what’s going on in each other’s lives anymore… And honestly, I was also really disappointed that we never continued watching that series together. And I asked you many times. At that point I had the feeling that you didn't want to watch it with me anymore and then I stopped asking." Noted that you gave her many chances. But then - her complaints are all spin and BS. She just wants to puke into her live, personal toilet and here's here trumped-up justification. That's it. No more complicated than that. "I don’t have any other female friendships—or really any close friendships at all. Sure, I consider my boyfriend’s friends as friends, but none of them would ever hang out with me alone, let alone message me to ask how I’m doing. Sometimes, especially lately, I feel so alone that instead of reaching out, I just withdraw even more... I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but maybe I’m just incapable of having a real friendship.*" I know what's wrong with you. You have a toxic in your 'office'. Business therefore is going to-pot. PLUS, no good workers want to join your office. Because you have a toxic in there. The rest I've read and noted, so I want to stop you here and have you really think hard about what I've just described is WHY you have no other friends. Put simply - when you're under the effects of a Narc and their slime (- Priming), to other nice, narc-free people - you smell a bit unpleasant. What happens is, you cut them out and, given a period of solitude and deeper thinking, and basically just WAITING - the slime slides off and Normal, Nice, Decent people are again drawn to you. In fact, even more so than ever BECAUSE this time, you've had your patience and empathy exercised, meaning, your quality has increased. Ta-daaaa! It's that incredibly kick-yerself simple. But not a lot of people know that. Until it happens and they do. (Dohhhhhh) This is the original 'cloud with silver lining' or 'lemons that make Lemonade'. The only problem is when you stay in that gym for far too long than is healthy. It's an elite gym, but its air-conditioning steadily pumps out minute amounts of Cyanide. Does that and the above all make sense? Anyway, there's nothing wrong with you - you're well cool! Cool, strong, lovely people have always-always attracted parasites and hangers-on. They used to be called Antagonist Personality Disorder-eds, you know. Don't you agree that fits much better? "okay there were some sassy, manipulating parts from me too :D But I really thought it was my fault, that I was the wrong person, even though I didn't know what I had done wrong (apart from distancing myself from people during a pandemic and getting a bit crazy because of it, which I think happened to a lot of people)." Certainly did! "I was really devastated and layed in bed all day having a existencial crisis because I didn't understand what I had done that was so bad that my only friend was attacking me over what I thought were trivial things." Tsk. The rotten cow. Why didn't you come here then? "My now fiancé called her and told her that I wasn't feeling well at all I closed myself off so much that I didn't even want to talk to him anymore. He said to her that he didn't know what had happened between us but that we should sort it out asap." Tsk. I know he was trying to be helpful but - that was the opposite of what you needed (a giant break). "Then shortly after we spoke on the phone for 3 hours and got these incredibly important little things out of the way, I thought." Oh yeah - we always think. And they LET you think. Because then (think about it), you're not expecting the next ambush, either. (Goog "Narcissistic Cycle Of Abuse".) Cleverly stupid, aren't they. Or is it stupidly clever? Both, probably. "Even now I'm starting to doubt again whether I'm not the bad guy in the story after all....crazy right?" Nope. Normal reaction TO craziness (theirs). Well...I'm glad I called her a cow a lot. That should help, haha! "She simply projected a lot of her own problems onto me and always found me to be the scapegoat when she couldn't cope with certain things." YEP, you gottit! (No wonder you always looked so flushed) (get it?) "It's also obvious that she is extremely overly sensitive when it comes to the smallest, most normal things, but I always accepted and tolerated that with the thought "that's just how she is". Maybe she learned from me that she can be like that to people and that people let her be like that?" Thin-skinned plus grossly insensitive - yip. Aka, only care about themselves. A recipe for being DOOMED. "She was also really competing with my fiancé, subtle so I never really noticed that." Ah, there it is! "I think 2021 was the last time there was such an "argument". The next one was the one from my first post here. So it worked quite well for 3 years. When I thought about it more closely, I realized that during that time she had had similar arguments with other friends as she had with me..." AH-HAH-HAAAAH! "I don't know what brought about the change in me now that I have now broken away from her. Deep down I think I have wanted to do that for a long time but I couldn't. Maybe it took a deterioration in my health for me to realize again that I am stronger than I think and then be able to break away from it." Distance. Yes. (Goog "Narc - Trauma Bonding"). (It's not just a bond, it's Supaglue...and in delicate places, like your eyelids. Supaglue Slime....Takes time to dissolve.) "Ah! Our first German, I think! Guten tag und welcommen! :)" :D Moin Moin, freut mich sehr :)" What? :D :D :D (couldn't resist) ________________ "Did you ever try cannabis/marijuana? I was told my condition was for-life and prescribed it (by the hospital registrar, no less!...I was so shocked, had NO IDEA they could do that!). It works for physical pain AND emotional! As long as you're self-disciplined and treat it as respectfully as you would the prescription meds so that you're always in control of IT, rather than the other way round, and save it for particularly painful periods, then I thoroughly recommend it, especially as you can get it without the THC these days via drops from healthfood stores and online. So have you tried the drops?" Like when I was 17-18, I started smoking weed for several years until I realized that it increased my chance of developing schizophrenia." No, that's if you constantly ABUSE IT (which Narcs do btw...abuse everything). They conveniently forget to mention that bit. "So I stopped doing that completely. I tried CBD oil/drops for a while, but it didn't really help. It just made me a little tired." What about altering your diet specific to NPD-abuse recovery? MUCHO effective, that is. Plus fun trying new foods. "It's better than UK's, though, isn't it? What about Spain's? (Let's be honest - they're ALL shit when one looks behind the bloody 'shopfront window'. Just varying levels." yes true, everything has its bad sides, doesn't it? I am of course glad that I live in a country with at least a pretty good health system, it could definitely be worse." Defo. (Espec if V ran it. :p) And your dentists are really good, too, aren't they. My last one in UK was German. WHAT A DIFFERENCE! *Including* the more reasonable cost! "But that's where self-help, self-healing, comes in. I mean - what do you think people DID before pharmaceuticals? How's your diet? If you were to do a multi-pincer job - 'attack' your condition from all angles simultaneously - sky's the limit. (Cheaper than via your GP 'n all.) Well, anyway, now you've got rid of Narcichops, you'll have the time, energy and wherewithall to look into all of this. And your first stop, I reckon, should be reading the bestseller, 'The Body Keeps The Score'. Only logical and VERY eye-opening." (Oh, I see I'm repeating myself a tad - soz...can't be arsed to go up and edit, haha, sorry - tired today...peeing down with rain still.) "Yes, that's true, it's really important that you do something yourself to feel better. I've started doing yoga, meditation and mindfulness exercises in the last few years." Excellent. Basically, whatever you find yourself drawn to is your inner animal (still present within us, ohhh yesh) going - "That one!". " I've tried CBD and various herbal ointments. I really should still work on my diet :D I eat unhealthily." What are you calling unhealthily? "I also stopped smoking half a year ago" (Traitor! ;P) "and since then I've been eating a lot of sweet things and have also gained a bit of weight :D" Start again, then. AGAIN...just, everything in moderation is FINE. It's overdoing it. Getting addicted. (Same for the Harry Potter cow, actually.) (PS: can we switch her name again, to Gluten?) "Luckily, I've always been on the slim side, so it's not necessarily a bad thing that I have a bit more weight on my hips." Men like that. (Ask fiance, he'll tell ya.) "I spent hours reading up on the subject of scoliosis to be able to understand it all better." Yeah. Cos you do things properly. (Jeez, you've been wasted on cow-features, you really have.) "And maybe that's exactly it, I also knew a lot from my job (funnily enough, I work in a rehabilitation clinic in an orthopedic department)," Oh! I sayyyy!! So you're an Angel as a job as well! " which made me even more desperate when all those doctors said I wouldn't get an MRI. I thought about a slipped disc relatively early on and also realized pretty early on that the interaction of stress, muscle tension and scoliosis were responsible for my problems. Of course I told them all of that, or rather I wanted to know if it could all be as I thought it was, after all I'm not a doctor." Yes, but YOU'RE the expert on YOU. Therefore, it should be a case of patient and doctor *teaming-up*. Plus you (properly) researched it. ".. they probably really thought I was a hypochondriac or were annoyed that I was "diagnosing myself"." THAT BIT! Yes. Well done. How verry daaaaare you be so impressive, you jumped-up, mere-decoration, bubble-head, you! "I will look for that book you mentioned :)" Yeah - you'll love it! "Worth investigating, eh?" Maybe, but to be honest, that would be right now too stressful for me. Now I have a good doctor and can finally do everything I can, to hopefully get better soon." I can't remember my question, haha! "I'm interested in absolutely everything....nosy as duck! LOL Yeah, I'll enjoy those cheers again! So does Fiance like them too?" yes, he likes them too. he was never as into it as I was, especially not in the story. so I made a powerpoint presentation about it :D now he's ready for the concerts and is really looking forward to them." Powerpoint presentation? Haha, you didn't! Hahah, too funny! Strike 'properly' and put, 'to the Nth and back', haha! Know who you're reminding me of? Curlylocks. Go have a search under Alias. "Yup. But she only ever PRETENDED to be into them - or remotely as into them as you. So ducking-out, leaving you high 'n dry and 'holding the baby', secretly was never any skin off her own nose." "well, I was always more of a fangirl than her :D I just thought I'd ask her if she wanted to come along because she's listened to them now and then and we were at the concert together in 2016. Maybe that was exactly the problem. that I know them all and she doesn't and that's why she felt left out again." Nah, it's because she's a Cow. "Now that I've realized all of this, ((that she's a cow)) if I'm right, then I really feel sorry for her. BUT that doesn't justify how she treated me." SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE SURVIVOR! Bloody HELL, we're getting super-speedy processors here lately?! That is super-fast. You're over her! What you're not over, are the injuries, including all the injustice and super-unfairnesses (and needless work). Invite her on a cliffside walk one windy day, go on... "Lettt'sss go....flyyyy a kite....Up where the- AI-EEEEEEEEE! (splat!)". Haha!

PS not finished yet - still got your last two. Will either do them a bit later or tomorrow.

I'm still intending to continue properly but - I just realised I forgot to add to this: ""The really shitty times was when I split up with my ex-boyfriend, who I had been with for over 10 years. that was also a pretty toxic relationship... that was a really hard breakup and I didn't know how to be alone anymore and what I could/should do on my own. She really helped me then, distracted me with activities." Probably inadvertently." Or/AND (now I've seen how incredibly Covert-subtle and atomatic-nuance-abusing she is) (- not for me, she isn't; I see everything, even the atomic - can't help it, I'm officially weird that way), and how fast she backtracked (emotions that can turn on a sixpence, it's called), despite the contrived, screechy-violin-playing (when she SHOULD have been staying on the topic of, What a cow I've just been to you and how genuinely sorry I am, which I shall now show by asking more about your woes instead of COMPETING (for minimising - "pressing the relationship re-set button" - and spotlight-hogging purposes!)... It was when she was in Love-Bombing phase. New, Super-friend to the rescuueeeee!....until you're hooked and/or I can't be arsed any more because the novelty of you has worn-off. After all - she wasn't understanding of your inconsiderable woes in that bloody text, was she. Where did that suddenly go, then?....suddenly didn't have a CLUE, look, despite having known all the clues already (and nor any human imagination). Funny, that. She IS very polished and super-subtle, though. So much so, that I can appreciate how those not-in-the-know would read all of that and be taken-in that she's the victim and you're the cold-hearted cow. Another reason why they want it by text. So THAT you appear to be....when she shows it (too briefly) to her next victim! Surface appearances aka Narcissistic Impressions-Management (google). You may not know this, BUT.... they do this 'contriving an evidence table' (google Slander Campaign) RIGHT FROM THE MINUTE YOU BECOME THEIR FRIEND. They KNOW they're going to end up spat-out (it's inevitable because the virtuosos keep arrogantly going for the challenging, rather than 'boring, easy', prey (caring, spidey-sensitive, potentially very scary-actually, Empaths) - for the massive ego boost). PS: Only Empaths can 'kill' Narcissists. And if they're the devil's dark angels then what does that make us?(!). ...And now look at how unbeatably strong and determined not to be beaten by anything or anyone you are. Nuff said. ...And so, they fake this evidence table, or pile of future (fake, unjustified, unwarranted) ammo, as you both go along. Then when you finally spit them out - they have surface-'evidence' of how badly YOU treated THEM, FOR NO REASON(!!!!). And that (warrior) is why I do what you did: ENGAGE. But PROPERLY. To the HILT. I blow EVERY attempt at making me look like the Perp, out of the water. Not because I care what someone else might believe/think about me (they'll learn soon enough). But because I want them to find themselves 'kneecapped' when it comes to rushing-out to find your replacement (using the Pity Ploy - and inappropriately on a first 'date', *note*). But anyway - back to: The (er) person in that ambush, suddenly would have you believe she'd never met you before in her life, let alone knew what your life was super-crowded with!... (Plus - didn't she ever ASK AFTER your romantic relationship and how it was going?!) (Friend??? PFF! Hardly!) Nah. She was in Devalue you stage, whereby, only if you show you "ain't 'avin' it!" and/or that they've gone too far (- mark of an actual Narcissistic Sociopath (big S)) do they turn the charm/'poor wickle me' song, back on....just to dodge having to face consequences and ATONE! You escaped well before that really took off, i.e. before she showed even more of her true colours. I mean - I repeat: if she's so family-less and friend-less then, isn't it strange how she'd so carelessly risk killing-off her one-and-only-genuine, oh-so-vital and precious Friendship WITH YOU? Doesn't gel, does it. Precisely. It's BS and she just likes to have friends that will put up with random beatings out of nowhere for-nothing or for things she should KNOW or be able to WORK-OUT 'Why'(!), ...and just because something's not right in their world that day, or you haven't fawned and kow-towed enough, as in, 'Take it, b*tch!...if you wanna 'be' my friend - or else!' (Er - nyooooooo, I dyyyon't think syo, ew.) If I haven't said it already: Well DONNNNE! Yeah, slime gets on you and stays for a WEE while - but nothing like normal folks! Couple of weeks of no contact and it's practically all slid off! (Well, the important, critical quantum, anyway). You're not adequately hypnotise-able, that's why. (Haha - she must be knackered, too!! PMSL!) Baaaad slaaave...and Early Escapeee... Love it. Anyhoo, back in a bit...

I truly appreciate your time and your words! Your answers and the way you analyzed everything actually reminded me of "Calling Major Tom" by David M. Barnett (I loved that book so much). In it, Major Tom is this detached yet brutally honest presence who helps Gladys overcome her problems. Even though he's far away, he gives her exactly the clarity and perspective she needs to extricate herself from her situation. I feel the same way about your insights—your analysis felt like someone had given me the missing pieces of the puzzle with a blend of directness, humor, and sharp analysis. And maybe that's why your writing style appealed to me so much—it has the same blend of sarcasm, depth, and brutal honesty that makes you aware of things in a way you weren't aware of before :))) I am generally the kind of person who always looks for the fault in themselves. Obviously, there are always two sides to a story. But it really feels good to hear that my assessment was correct, that I didn’t actually do anything wrong—except allowing too much control and constantly trying to accommodate someone who was never truly satisfied. Still, I am also mad at myself. I should have spoken my mind MUCH earlier or ended things sooner. But as we say in Germany: Hätte, hätte, Fahrradkette (which is a humorous way of saying "Woulda, coulda, shoulda"). I actually noticed one of the first positive effects just yesterday. I played an online game with a friend whom I hadn’t regularly spoken to or seen in a really, really long time. Normally, gaming was the thing V and I used to do together. While talking to him, I actually caught myself instinctively thinking about how to phrase something so that no one would rage quit—until I realized... I don’t have to do that anymore. Yay! But yes, I’ll give you some time to respond—just wanted to put this out there already! :)

Heya! The usual apologies for the usual lateness! (You can't plan a thing here!) I haven't yet you read, just wanted to let you know I'll be on here tomorrow (or Tues daytime latest)!

You and WT are next... brb soon.

"Your answers and the way you analyzed everything actually reminded me of "Calling Major Tom" by David M. Barnett (I loved that book so much). In it, Major Tom is this detached yet brutally honest presence who helps Gladys overcome her problems. Even though he's far away, he gives her exactly the clarity and perspective she needs to extricate herself from her situation. I feel the same way about your insights—your analysis felt like someone had given me the missing pieces of the puzzle with a blend of directness, humor, and sharp analysis. And maybe that's why your writing style appealed to me so much—it has the same blend of sarcasm, depth, and brutal honesty that makes you aware of things in a way you weren't aware of before :)))" Oh, wow! I wasn't expecting that! I obviously need to read that book! Do you know, I actually think that's the nicest, most well-put and Me-pegged compliment I've ever received? Thank you so MUCH! (insert grinning red face) Bloody hell, you're good at them, aren't you?! You're wasted. And not just on "huurrrr" (spit). You should be in the Diplomatic Corps! I don't even know what to say!, haha! Let me collect myself and then I'll carry on. Just to warn you - I've just taken something to head-off a visual migraine to the pass (if you ignore the halo of fractured vision, not only does it become worse, like when you (carefully) press the corner of your outer eye, but, pain-wise it's the mother of all migraine headaches. If it gets worse, I'll just continue later or tomorrow - but I'll do my best... I'll collect myself outside, take a few gulps of Spanish oxygen and see if that helps.... PS: Ow.

Hey, I just checked here before going to bed. Take all the time you need — seriously, no rush at all. Please don’t push yourself if things get worse. Ow indeed – that sounds awful. Spanish oxygen sounds like powerful stuff, and I hope it works its magic! Take a break, I can wait. Gute Besserung :)

"I am generally the kind of person who always looks for the fault in themselves. Obviously, there are always two sides to a story." Intwesting... Emotionally or just objectively? Or whatever ratio of both(?). And what do you put that down to? Do you think you're sure enough about who you are and what you're like, under all and any situations and circumstances? Have you had time to really get to know yourself before now? "But it really feels good to hear that my assessment was correct," Hah - just a bit?! But - seriously - hats-off, personal question (because I never feel like that): Why did you even need that second opinion? Was it abovesaid lack of self-knowledge and familiarity? Or was it because it's basically an insane place to find yourself? Again - what ratio (as a percentage, e.g. 70/30%) "that I didn’t actually do anything wrong—except allowing too much control and constantly trying to accommodate someone who was never truly satisfied." No, CN, there is NO 'except', even! Google "The Sociopathic/Psychopathic Hypnotic Effect". This sh*t is REAL. Right from "Hello", are no longer your usual self with your normal capabilities. You're not a PARTNER. Only a partner with genuinely equal say takes a portion of blame. These bozos are super-dominators, and, as you now know, not always in the more usual obvious, overt, domineering-ahole way that we're used to seeing. E.g., I was THE most chilled/secure and philosophical person and romantic partner.....before I got with 'my' last ex (whom did NOT fool me, but tied and straitjacketed me so may as well have). Even Robert Hare (google) gets conned. It's not about prevention/avoidance or how soon. It's about taking your first proper opportunity (where all elements come together) to escape. WHICH YOU DID. How many years WASN'T it again? It's weird, being Supaglued to someone you inevitably, eventually, actually can't stand. Uh!...the Resentment. They turn you into a ticking time-bomb. Stupid fools. Too lazy to use the carrot - it's all stick (and shoehorn-ing). Durn't get me started, Muther! "Still, I am also mad at myself. I should have spoken my mind MUCH earlier or ended things sooner. But as we say in Germany: Hätte, hätte, Fahrradkette (which is a humorous way of saying "Woulda, coulda, shoulda")." You were hypnotised then bent backwards over a barrel then hobbled/paralysed. It wasn't remotely a fair playing-field. The complete opposite (because all you thought - and were actively convinced - you were doing, was becoming friends with someone!) "I actually noticed one of the first positive effects just yesterday. I played an online game with a friend whom I hadn’t regularly spoken to or seen in a really, really long time." Is this your way of getting another Silent Monks video? :D Seriously - that's fantastic news! "Normally, gaming was the thing V and I used to do together. While talking to him, I actually caught myself instinctively thinking about how to phrase something so that no one would rage quit—until I realized... I don’t have to do that anymore. Yay!" Ah-hah-hah - and we newly see another rotten aspect of her (google Narcissist - competitor not friend). "But yes, I’ll give you some time to respond—just wanted to put this out there already! :)" Thankyouverymush! I must say, your English is fanuckingtastic. It's even better than most English people's! Coo...who'da thunk it: the Germans, Greeks and other Europeans are the ones rescuing the English Language (from the English, haha!). If one more Brit says (e.g.), 'better than *what* I had last year' instead of just 'better than I had last year'...or, "more easier" instead of 'easier' or 'more easy', I am going to ("peeeeep!" - steam) scuh-REAM! And don't even GO where the Americans go, with their, 'I could care less', instead of, 'couldn't care less'................(sigh) Anyway.... anything going on in the background, like, Fakebook or anything vis a vis "stinky Slinky"? And - anythingi to report bodily-improvements-wise? Re-striking up that gaming friendship is a hugely brilliant sign, you know. If Slinky DOES try to contact or get you to, methinks she's going to get the 'blowdrying' of her life! Tee-hee-chortle.

(Haha, that was a crossover! Doesn't matter - I'm determine to kill myself with hard work, haha. Or so it seems. It's not martyrdom, though. More obsession/compulsion (like I'm being puppeteered by forces outside of mine or anyone else's control). Still...Keeps me fit... :) Night!)

Hey :) I hope you're feeling better and that you were able to fend off the migraine attack! ""I am generally the kind of person who always looks for the fault in themselves. Obviously, there are always two sides to a story." Intwesting... Emotionally or just objectively? Or whatever ratio of both(?). And what do you put that down to?" I mean it more like this: in situations where I or others are hurt because of previous interactions between both people, I tend to look for behavior or mistakes on my part too, i also try to understand the other side of the story, so that I can learn something from it for myself. If I did her wrong in this story here, I would take that as a lesson and try to act differently in similar situations in the future. I don’t mean every little argument I’ll ever have with people, but rather those situations where I’ve emotionally hurt people who are important to me, or where they’ve hurt me. I believe that’s part of continuously growing and developing as a person. "Do you think you're sure enough about who you are and what you're like, under all and any situations and circumstances? Have you had time to really get to know yourself before now?" In all situations and circumstances? Can you really know that in every single situation and circumstance? At best, I think you can assume — and that, I can do. 😄 (In most situations and circumstances, I know pretty well who I am and how I react.) I think I’ve already gotten to know myself quite well in the past. But it’s also true that over the last few years, I’ve kind of lost myself a bit. Because I’ve spent most of my time in fight or flight mode, I wasn’t really able to focus on the things that define me, the things I care about, or the things I wish for. So, to some extent, I guess I have to get to know myself again. "But - seriously - hats-off, personal question (because I never feel like that): Why did you even need that second opinion? Was it abovesaid lack of self-knowledge and familiarity? Or was it because it's basically an insane place to find yourself? Again - what ratio (as a percentage, e.g. 70/30%)" I spent several weeks grieving that "friendship" — seriously, with everything that comes with it, as if I had just broken up with the love of my life. So yes, it was absolutely insane. I talked about it a lot with my fiancé and also a bit with my dad. I did a lot of reflecting and even started forming some ideas (like possible narcissistic traits, etc.). I think I just needed an external perspective to really process it all — and honestly, as I said that helped a lot. Not really being fully in touch with myself definitely played a role too. I’d say it was split about 40% me not being fully grounded in myself and 60% the sheer craziness of the whole situation. "No, CN, there is NO 'except', even! Google "The Sociopathic/Psychopathic Hypnotic Effect". This sh*t is REAL. Right from "Hello", are no longer your usual self with your normal capabilities. You're not a PARTNER. Only a partner with genuinely equal say takes a portion of blame. These bozos are super-dominators, and, as you now know, not always in the more usual obvious, overt, domineering-ahole way that we're used to seeing. E.g., I was THE most chilled/secure and philosophical person and romantic partner.....before I got with 'my' last ex (whom did NOT fool me, but tied and straitjacketed me so may as well have). Even Robert Hare (google) gets conned. It's not about prevention/avoidance or how soon. It's about taking your first proper opportunity (where all elements come together) to escape. WHICH YOU DID. How many years WASN'T it again? It's weird, being Supaglued to someone you inevitably, eventually, actually can't stand. Uh!...the Resentment. They turn you into a ticking time-bomb. Stupid fools. Too lazy to use the carrot - it's all stick (and shoehorn-ing). Durn't get me started, Muther!" I know you’re right — everything you’re saying fits 1:1. But a part of me still doesn’t want to think of her that way or admit that it’s true. The things you’re writing here (and so much more) perfectly describe that feeling of "not really being myself." Even now, months later, I get deeply sad or angry, and end up crying my eyes out. Sometimes I get so angry at her that I just want to scream in her face how much she hurt me and what she really is. Sometimes I wish none of this had ever happened — that I could just call her or text her again. But I know it will pass — it’s just really hard in the meantime. To help myself a bit in moments of grief, I wrote a short letter to her (which I’ll never send) where I expressed everything — how I feel, how I used to see her and how I see her now, how she hurt me, all the little situations that came to mind. I also added two short texts to remind myself of the dynamic I was caught up in and of who she really is. "because all you thought - and were actively convinced - you were doing, was becoming friends with someone!" It’s so cruel... and such a hard pill to swallow. "Ah-hah-hah - and we newly see another rotten aspect of her (google Narcissist - competitor not friend)." Oh, I know... like I said I actually made a list of all the situations that stuck with me. We had a lot of game nights, not just online — and many of them didn’t end so well. "I must say, your English is fanuckingtastic." :D Well, it’s not all my work. I run everything I write through a translator to fix my mistakes. :D Otherwise, you'd probably end up reading English with German grammar. :D and there goes the dog in the pan crazy :DD "Anyway.... anything going on in the background, like, Fakebook or anything vis a vis "stinky Slinky"?" Absolute radio silence, since she reached out about the tickets. "And - anythingi to report bodily-improvements-wise?" Every now and then, I still have quite a lot of pain, but it’s getting better. :) Hopefully, I’ll soon get an ergonomic workspace at the office. And I’m staying active — I managed to get a training spot at the fitness studio of the rehab clinic where I did that sports program (the atmosphere there is so much better than in a regular gym). Plus, I’ll be using the gym at the rehab clinic where I work once a week during lunch breaks together with a colleague. I like to think I’ve already built a bit of visible muscle. :D Whenever I can, I’ll also get physical therapy sessions or massages prescribed. By summer at the latest, I think I’ll also get my rehab officially approved. My fiancé and I treated ourselves to a vacation in Heidelberg on the days off we had originally planned for the concert we’re no longer going to. So yesterday, I hiked about the half of the "Himmelsleiter" in Heidelberg (a few months ago, I would’ve told anyone suggesting it they were crazy — I never would’ve thought I could do that). Apart from some sore muscles and a bit of tension in my back, I don’t really feel any after-effects yet. :D The "Himmelsleiter" in Heidelberg is a historic, steep stone stairway made of over 1,200 uneven steps that leads from Heidelberg’s Old Town up to the Königstuhl, a hill overlooking the city. It’s a popular but challenging hiking route, and the name literally means "Stairway to Heaven" because of how exhausting and steep it is — but the views at the top are worth it! :) "Re-striking up that gaming friendship is a hugely brilliant sign, you know." Right?! And that’s not even all that’s happened since then — no joke, two other friends from school and a former coworker have also reached out to me. I really has been under some kind of spell, huh? "If Slinky DOES try to contact or get you to, methinks she's going to get the 'blowdrying' of her life! Tee-hee-chortle." Well, I kinda hope she’s right about that one: that as a Libra, I can be ice-cold when someone hurts me deeply (she’s the one who strongly believes in astrology). I’m pretty sure that, even though I sometimes have those moments where I want to tell her exactly what I think, I won’t give her any big lecture. Because I know my worth again, and I’ll never let anyone hurt me like that again. She blew it. And why waste any more energy on someone like that? If she ever "dares" to contact me again, she’ll get a very dry, simple response: “I don’t want any further contact with you. Have a nice life.” I don’t even want to give her any space to be able to put a spell on me again. I now also understand much better how her other friend must have felt — the one she first broke off contact with and then reached out to again a year later. I actually spent a weekend with that friend and V once, when we went on a trip together. It ended with V confronting the other friend via text afterward, saying it felt like the friend had something against her because she had made certain comments that seemed like digs. In my opinion, she hadn't done that at all. Long story short, the friend wrote something back about how she had no interest in this kind of competition. Back then, I didn’t understand what she meant. Now I understand it perfectly. She definitely meant that she didn’t want to be dragged into an emotional power struggle, where everything felt like a competition or a hidden battle over who’s right, more likable, or in control. Honestly, I could talk about this for hours — it’s just crazy how much becomes clear in hindsight. And like you said, it’s kind of fascinating and totally mind-blowing what those people are actually capable of. I think the last time I was this shook was when I started reading about quantum entanglement. :D

Heya! I'm just in the midst of fighting a sinus bug so at the mo I'm trying to conserve energy so as to nip it in the bud. I'll respond asap but, to meantime keep you going - read this: "SOULMATE (moderator) - Feb 18 2025 at 21:54 Member since Aug 2014" on Mykyl1152's thread: https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13852/has-anyone-ever-been-in-a-controlling-relationship-or-lovebombed Ignore the fact your fauxlationship with Slinky wasn't romantic. Whatever the r-ship role is, is but a mere detail of a wee adjustment to the standard, fundamental, Narc Playbook. It's still imperative to your healing to read these ex-victim-now-survivor reports - for not only what you did go through but, were you not so determined and self-disciplined, COULD have gone through. You'll find it incredibly eye-opening and validating. PS: If you could talk about this for hours, then, PLEASE - DO. That's what this is here for! And it's unbelievably helpful to other victims and would-be victims, the more deeply into heartfelt thoughts/feelings/reflections you go. So, in short: yes, please! Before you do, however - read those very honest and giving survivor reports, and then tell me how many more (and which) dots it helped you to join up (or if you prefer, which jigsaw pieces added to your Evidence picture-puzzle)? PS: Don't worry about feeling glum, frustrated, sad, etc. You are recovering ASTONISHINGLY quickly - meaning, you were grieving-out the 'friendship' while you were still in it. So it won't last. Here's a big hug anyway: ((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))) Back soon!

Hello-hello? All okay? You still digesting and processing?

Hey, I hope you’re feeling better! Sorry, I’ve been quite busy the last few days — I’m on vacation now to see Twenty One Pilots live :) I did read the thread you posted, but I haven’t really had the chance to fully dive into it yet. Still, I’ve been thinking a lot about everything. I think I’ll take a proper look at it this coming Wednesday. And don’t worry — it wouldn’t overwhelm me at all if you feel like replying to my previous posts, in case you’re feeling better. Feel free to reply to anything, anytime!

Oh, what a relief! Same for me......and very-very sadly, my closest (older) male-friend died, unexpectedly, two nights ago... so I'm not exactly 'in the zone', anyway, just at the mo. I'll be fine (always am,...annoyingly), just need another day or two to get over the shock AND the denial...I can feel it...in fact, writing this out can only help to let some more reality in because obviously right now my bonce is saying 'Nooope, don't wanna know - s'not true, LA-LA-LA-LA-LA can't hear ya!'. Our posse is meeting tomorrow night for a vigil supper (he was a 'regular' at my fave beachside restaurant-bar). So that's gonna be a strange mixture of hard going and comforting... Life can be a right basstud, can't it. Anyhoo... Yup, couple more days and I'll catch up to the rest of your yet-to-be-addressed stuff. Have a bloody lovely holiday AND concert! You can tell me all about it when you get back. "Laters!" :)

Oh no, I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. Please feel warmly hugged if you feel like it! :) Take all the time you need to grieve and take care of yourself. I can only imagine how hard it must be to lose someone so close to your heart. Sending you much strength — I’ll see you soon.

Hey-hey! Thanks mucho for your lovely condolences and patience. :) Right, let me start to catch up... (Quick aside: methinks the thread in duplicate is Niffy - what about you?) (Post 14 Mar 18:17) "First, Mum... This is what's stuck out most for me: "(sometimes I wish I wouldn´t have any contact anymore)." 1. For what reason(s)? 2. Why would you have to wish? Couldn't you DECIDE? Or 'meet yourself in the middle' and just do half the amount of hours and effort? Scratch Q1 - you've answered it with this: "So she has good and bad days, on bad days it's mainly the crazy talking, insulting and coercive behaviour that comes to the fore. But it stays within limits. On good days you can have a bit of a normal chat with her. But it's no longer possible to build up any real depth," Yup, I know what you mean. "neither in conversations nor in interpersonal relationships. So yes, my "real mother" has passed away, even though she is alive. " I expect the other reasons are because, unintentional yet uncontrollable or not - Emotional & Verbal Abuse is still Abuse, right? Plus, you've already dedicated enough of yourself and your life to her (and him); you need to be free to live your own life now. Is it time to call in the professional Carers yet? I imagine, however, that those perfectly natural thoughts and needs trigger "the guilts" every time, though - correct?" So, yes its this what i said that gets me on an emotional level but its also this: I do the best i can since ever and thats the least. I don't remember when the floor was last really deep cleaned for example. When I was still living with them it was a bit easier to take care of things but also there it was a mess and I just did what I could (also the emotional part was harder, cause I had to deal with my mom on a daily basis.)" Yes, but, both of those things together would be very wearing. It's not as if you're a normal as in fully physically-working daughter - and even they find it too hard! "I could decide to just not help them anymore, but I can't do that." (...clears the furniture...) Can you hear what you've just said? : I could decide to stop (and) I couldn't decide to stop. Which one of you wants to stop? Is it Captain Kirk (emotional side) or Mr Spock (objective side)? Or IS IT BOTH OF THEM? If so - what percentage each? "It's against every moral I have. Why do you not hire a professional carer for them? Well, My father refuses help from "outside". I had more than one discussion with him about that. Even my fiance and also his doctor tried, but he's to stubborn. He says he can still do things like cooking and cleaning (you can't imagine how dirty it is everywhere) and he doesn't need help. He simply don't let them in, when I tried without his consent. I know that he is deeply ashamed that the house is a mess and that he himself can't do much anymore. When I said that I need help he kind of understood and almost agreed the last time we spoke about it. And to be honest I'm totally overwhelmed, I don't know what I could say or do that he agrees on it. And I'm also tired of having to be the person who has to sort everything out. I don't want that responsibility. He's still able to call somewhere and just get information, for example, but it all falls on me (even to call his doctor for new receipts for his or my mum's medication). So I'm doing the least. Just as much that they have something to eat and something to wear and of course medical stuff. My fiance and I both don't have a drivers license. We just never could afford it. so this makes things also tough. We have a E-Bike with bike trailer, with which we do the grocery shopping once or twice a week, that makes it a bit easier than in the past where I did that with a normal bike or by foot/public transport. Now with my back troubles my fiancè does this part. My father don't wants this elderly food delivery and we live in a small city so there is also no online service of any groceriestore. Some stuff he gets from Amazon, though. So I'm currently talking to my fiancé about what I can do, what he can do, and what we should just leave alone because neither of us has the strength." It concerns me greatly that your father refuses outside help. Why does he? Is it because he doesn't need to hire anyone (and spend money...home-visiting or live-in carers are expensive, you know that) when he gets your services for-free (and, being a bloke, can tolerate the dirt/mess)? Or is it because he wants and needs you around, emotionally (scared that you'll leave him once your mum passes)? Or maybe however-much of both? What strikes me as obvious, however, is that your father's choices are NOT REASONABLE NOR RATIONAL. How is that 'Compus mentis', CN? This, surely, is a case for your version of Social Services? Think of the health-risk to your already-poorly mother that the accumulating dirt poses as? And on her mental health when it comes to the household visual chaos? I mean - he's doing the cooking on what? A dirty stove/oven? How come he isn't 'deeply ashamed' when it comes to you and your mother? So your welfares are less important than what strangers or soon-to-become strangers (again) think - is that it? If he were ashamed, he'd do something about it. You yourself are 'suddenly' unable to continue doing it to any significant level. Yet even that has failed to get him finally dealing with it. And so - it is NOT that he's ashamed, is it. Strike that from the evidence table, please, Holmes. Houston, I think we've come across "The Mother Ship"....what led to 'attracting' Stinky Slinky. He 'reasons', 'rationalises' and 'justfies' exactly like Slinky, doesn't he. (Had you not noticed that?) "Since my father got that chronic wounds I've never been able to go on vacation for longer than a week. Because the wound dressing has to be changed regularly, at the latest after 3 days. So we sometimes manage with his doctor that he does the bandage change once so we can stay somewhere for at least a week (he is the only person besides us who can step a foot in this house)." Yes. And I suspect that's because this so-called Doctor has for too long proven that he doesn't give a toss about the obvious 'elephant in the room' going on here, courtesy of your father's lack of rationale or ability to make adult, intelligent decisions, PLUS the fact that the man is injured! ANY fool could see that this doctor should have organised home-help already (because your father can't cope even with YOUR help)! WHY HASN'T HE? Something has got to 'give' - and it ain't gonna be you, CN. Not on my watch. "Of course I feel sometimes like I'm the worst daughter of all time even though I know I already do my best and that this shouldn't be my fight entirely." HOW do you feel like that when it runs completely opposite to reality and concrete evidence? WHY do you feel like that when it completely opposes those things? You should be CROWING with self-pride! Do you see why I'm saying this? I'm just going to pause (and leave the below pasting-in) and continue tomorrow... as this is meatier than I thought. And you might need a pause (to go through the mental photo albums and start joining dots). (PS: Haven't read ahead, shan't read ahead) (- these days, I'm so self-disciplined I make myself sick, haha). Food for thought: I recommend that you tell YOUR doctor everything you've told me - and ensure the doctor knows that your father's doctor is aware of the set-up (that is NOT working and is depleting you whilst preventing you from healing as fast (and properly/permanently) as you could be, as well as from getting on with your own life (finally!). Your father's doctor is being Negligent. That's not allowed. Could you enlist the help also of your fiance's parents? Mate. All things considered - you're being emotionally and physically exploited (via emotional blackmail). You're being prevented from having the energy, let alone the time, to cultivate and live your own life... And yet you somehow still HAVE! But...isn't that the crux definition of incarceration or slavery? Whatever... It's too much. Your mum's 'ill'. Your dad's 'ill' (clearly has mental issues of his own). You're physically 'ill' and, thanks to this, have been getting iller (and iller still, thanks to Slinky). All because this bloody doctor isn't doing what clearly needs to have been done already: Organising a nursing home or home carers (say, twice-weekly). WHY isn't he!? I mean - feeling GUILTY???? YOU? Mate, you should be dancing up and down your high street (or flying, flapping your massive, White wings!), singing to passing strangers - 'I'm-not scared-of Dy-ing 'cause I-know-where-I'm go-ing, ha ha-ha ha ha!'. (I would be.) (Probably would, actually, haha.) ___________________________________________________________________________________________ I'm an only child, my aunt and uncle and cousins where when i was little really close then something happened, I still don't know what it was and from one day to another they canceled every contact and when the sickness of my mother first showed the rest of my family left us on our own (I also can imagine that my father refused any help here too). "on the whole I'm coping well and I'm happy about every slightly better day when we have a good chat. " What, as a percentage, would you say, is the Dark To Light ratio of good days versus bad? And how rapidly has that shifted, recently? What you're going through is the long, drawn-out Goodbye that victims of Altzheimers go through. And by 'victim', I actually mean, the Nearest & Dearest, not the Alz. sufferer themselves! But Altzheimers (at that level) tends only to last up to 5 or so years, whereas - HOW LONG have you been your mother's Caregiver? Does your head in, though, doesn't it: Oh, today she's here!...Oh, but today she's "the monster"....here!...gone!...back again - oh wait, gone again!.... It's like being haunted, isn't it...despite the person isn't actually dead - or tantamount (full-time insane). Would you say her condition makes her act uncannily similar to a Narcissist? If you're unsure - let's check. You list all the offensive and hurtful behaviours and verbals you can think of for me. It's 50/50 and not at all like anything narcissistic - she is sick, not calculating, not even subconsciously.. But yeah, you really never know what you get. Sometimes she's friendly at the beginning and suddenly it turns into bad. She has a lot of trigger wich start the nonsense talking. So to paint you a clearer picture this is how it goes on a good-then bad or bad day: I say Hello when I arrive this is the first indicator that Shows me if it's a good or a bad day. Bad day: nonsense talking to me saying hello, something like "Oh god, what does this whore want here again? Eeek. Leave me alone!!" or something like that "everyone ran away, so! we have no sun cream! i'll report you to the police, you wanker! Even if it rains, so!" Then most of the time follows more nonsense talking or some stuff like "name of family member - burned, name of another family member - burned, name of another family member - burned.." which she illustrates with the gesture/compulsive action by pantomiming the act of lighting a lighter and this goes on for several minutes (sometimes she gestures/ makes a complusive action like shes stabbing with a knife also her words change then). Then sometimes she clears up a little and notice that im there but the visuals are most of the time heavy so she comes closer to me (to look me in the face) and says for example something like "Have you looked in the mirror today? You have those ugly red eyes again.uuuhhgghh. are you okay?" Most of the time, she doesn't see me, but someone/something else. It could be someone from my family or former circle of acquaintances. But I've also been German politicians or celebrities. Rarely she really attacks my person. Then I know, I don't really talk to her this day cause really everything is a trigger and this will start all over again :D.... On good days that turn to bad ones, she's friendly at first, talks normal but gets triggert by something I or my dad says (there is no special thing this happens really random) then she starts talking nonsense etc. or sometimes she suddenly gets really worried and asks me things like ‘did i sit on you tonight? It felt like I was sitting on you and you were calling for help. does something hurt you? did someone stab you? I was stabbed in the night.... did you feel that? Are you okay?’ By ‘it stays within limits" I meant ‘it's not as bad as it used to be’, i.e. when she starts talking or acting out, it no longer lasts all day. She used to talk sometimes day and night, literally 24/7, until she was hoarse. Sometimes I had to put on headphones with music to go to sleep because she would walk up and down the corridor where my room was and talk nonsense all night long. She also threw things away, like the water filter, because she thought the water was poisoned. I regularly checked the rubbish bin and other places where she had put things. Before one stay in the psychiatric ward, for example, she stabbed a stool belonging to the couch with a pair of scissors. That sounds intense, but she was never a danger to others. She was admitted again once because she no longer wanted to eat and drink (she thought it was poisoned) and was therefore a danger to herself. And of course those are only a few things that happened. So for me, it's not ‘abuse’ in the classic sense, but psychological terror. when I moved out, I realised how extreme it all was. the peace and quiet was indescribably beautiful. that's why I try to leave quickly when she has a bad day... i can't take it anymore, even if it's not as bad as it used to be. On good days, we talk completely normally—I tell her about my work, she tells me what she’s watched on TV, we talk about the weather or some celebrity drama (she’s always more informed about that than I am), or she shows me the new clothes she ordered (she always wants to give me one, no matter if it’s my size or not :D). Those are the days when she hugs me and tells me that she loves her “little daughter”... those are the moments when she feels kinda like my mother again.

PS: "Can you hear what you've just said? : I could decide to stop (and) I couldn't decide to stop. Which one of you wants to stop? Is it Captain Kirk (emotional side) or Mr Spock (objective side)? Or IS IT BOTH OF THEM? If so - what percentage each?" This is bad, CN, this is bad. When Kirk and Spock hold opposing views. They can't function if they're not constantly on the same team, meaning, YOU can't function. (This is why, as above, I want to know HOW torn-apart they are). ...Particularly for a long time. That alone is enough to give someone without a pre-existing condition a knackered back (if that's where their fragility lays). Google "Cognitive Dissonance". And where it's caused (typically) by Narcissistic Abuse (including Exploitation, physical and emotional both (intended or not!)), prefix with "Narcissistic Abuse". It could be that your father is behaving like a Narc only because of the state he's in, of course. I don't know..that's why I said you need to think and go through 'the albums'... so that you can tell me: Has he always been as unreasonable and unrational as all this (even if just far more subtly in the past) or is this ridiculous (and frankly despotic!) attitude-into-behaviour something that's appeared only 'recently'?

...I think you (and Fiance) should consider speaking to a solicitor/lawyer regarding the pros and cons of making an application for getting Power Of Attorney. With control of the finances, you could then hire the level of help that your mother ACTUALLY NEEEEEEDS and SOD how your currently/permanently (passive/covertly) selfish and controlling feels about it! YOU'RE doing the right thing despite you don't want to be (and what loved-one would!...that's WHY you get such things as professional carers and nursing-homes ffs!)....putting your own feelings aside to do The Right Thing and to the best of YOUR abilty, aren't you? ("Yes") (Correct!) So why can't he? Your FAAAAA-THUR... you know, that bloke who's supposed to be even more adult-sensible, brave and responsible than you?

Know what I'd do? I'd inform my father that I'm not a wizard nor Superman and therefore if he wants me to continue giving up most of my life and already put-upon health for theirs, he's going to have to pay me (a form of replenishment thus sustenance/nourishment - compensation AND RECIPROCATION(!), basically), as well as at the going hourly rate of a professional, reliable, home-visiting Carer. And, already, that is "Mates Rates" because you're BETTER than any twice-weekly stranger-carer for the simple fact that you know your mother - intimately. And really do CARE. And do things to the hilt. Tip: demand a salary that's far higher than you actually want. This sort of thing works with Narc fathers - e.g.: "Please can you lend me 100 Quid?.....(15 mins of begging followed by a cold refusal later)....... Aww? Well, what about just 60, then?".

Forgive me the delay again, I'm having a really shitey month. How's you anyway - you alright? __________________________________ "I'm an only child," Okay, that probably accounts to a degree for your sense of over-responsibility. It might be do-able if you had siblings to share the load. "my aunt and uncle and cousins where when i was little really close then something happened, I still don't know what it was and from one day to another they canceled every contact and when the sickness of my mother first showed the rest of my family left us on our own (I also can imagine that my father refused any help here too)." You don't know what happened, what caused this? Why not? It's absolutely your business to know! Why haven't you demanded your father tell you? What would happen if you did? "on the whole I'm coping well and I'm happy about every slightly better day when we have a good chat. " What, as a percentage, would you say, is the Dark To Light ratio of good days versus bad? And how rapidly has that shifted, recently? What you're going through is the long, drawn-out Goodbye that victims of Altzheimers go through. And by 'victim', I actually mean, the Nearest & Dearest, not the Alz. sufferer themselves! But Altzheimers (at that level) tends only to last up to 5 or so years, whereas - HOW LONG have you been your mother's Caregiver? Does your head in, though, doesn't it: Oh, today she's here!...Oh, but today she's "the monster"....here!...gone!...back again - oh wait, gone again!.... It's like being haunted, isn't it...despite the person isn't actually dead - or tantamount (full-time insane). Would you say her condition makes her act uncannily similar to a Narcissist? If you're unsure - let's check. You list all the offensive and hurtful behaviours and verbals you can think of for me." "It's 50/50 and not at all like anything narcissistic - she is sick, not calculating, not even subconsciously.. " (I think I replied to this, with saying, the EFFECT on you is the same as if the abuse were conscious/intended, which isn't good for your health. Again, this is why stranger-professionals offer their services.) "But yeah, you really never know what you get. Sometimes she's friendly at the beginning and suddenly it turns into bad. She has a lot of trigger wich start the nonsense talking." Is there a theme with the triggers? "So to paint you a clearer picture this is how it goes on a good-then bad or bad day: I say Hello when I arrive this is the first indicator that Shows me if it's a good or a bad day. Bad day: nonsense talking to me saying hello, something like "Oh god, what does this whore want here again? Eeek. Leave me alone!!"" Woah. WOAH! CN...???? I am so sorry...you poor thing. DEFINITELY only a professional carer would be capable of not taking that extreme verbal abuse personally! "or something like that "everyone ran away, so! we have no sun cream! i'll report you to the police, you wanker! Even if it rains, so!" BLOODY HELL??? "Then most of the time follows more nonsense talking or some stuff like "name of family member - burned, name of another family member - burned, name of another family member - burned.." which she illustrates with the gesture/compulsive action by pantomiming the act of lighting a lighter and this goes on for several minutes (sometimes she gestures/ makes a complusive action like shes stabbing with a knife also her words change then)." So is this a clue to what occurred with the (obviously issue-bound) family? Sounds like it, doesn't it. "Then sometimes she clears up a little and notice that im there but the visuals are most of the time heavy so she comes closer to me (to look me in the face) and says for example something like "Have you looked in the mirror today? You have those ugly red eyes again.uuuhhgghh. are you okay?" Good god... Does your own doctor know this? "Most of the time, she doesn't see me, but someone/something else. It could be someone from my family or former circle of acquaintances." (Extension of above Scooby Clue noted.) "But I've also been German politicians or celebrities." Did you get the paycheck that goes with it, though. (Sorry - Black Humour...I'm having real trouble being in your shoes right now....woah... You have really minimised your situation(s), haven't you. Don't want to make a fuss, eh?) "Rarely she really attacks my person." How many times? Please describe these events? "Then I know, I don't really talk to her this day cause really everything is a trigger and this will start all over again :D...." Jeez... "On good days that turn to bad ones," Edit (important to be straight with yourself): 'On bad days that began as good,' (See the diff? ...No minimisation.) "she's friendly at first, talks normal but gets triggert by something I or my dad says (there is no special thing this happens really random) then she starts talking nonsense etc. or sometimes she suddenly gets really worried and asks me things like ‘did i sit on you tonight? It felt like I was sitting on you and you were calling for help. does something hurt you? did someone stab you? I was stabbed in the night.... did you feel that? Are you okay?’" So she's really far-gone, then? "By ‘it stays within limits" I meant ‘it's not as bad as it used to be’, i.e. when she starts talking or acting out, it no longer lasts all day." It used to last all day? OMFGee, CN, OMFGee! WHAT HAS THIS BEEN DOING TO YOU? "She used to talk sometimes day and night, literally 24/7, until she was hoarse. Sometimes I had to put on headphones with music to go to sleep because she would walk up and down the corridor where my room was and talk nonsense all night long. She also threw things away, like the water filter, because she thought the water was poisoned. I regularly checked the rubbish bin and other places where she had put things. Before one stay in the psychiatric ward, for example, she stabbed a stool belonging to the couch with a pair of scissors. That sounds intense," YA THINK?!?! "but she was never a danger to others. She was admitted again once because she no longer wanted to eat and drink (she thought it was poisoned)" By whom? The rellies? "and was therefore a danger to herself. And of course those are only a few things that happened." Blood-yyyy HELL, missus?!?! "So for me, it's not ‘abuse’ in the classic sense, but psychological terror." Yeah, I'll be the judge of that, thanks. It IS abuse. And it does incredible damage - again, HENCE WHY WE PAY PROFESSIONALS. "when I moved out, I realised how extreme it all was. the peace and quiet was indescribably beautiful." I can sodding imagine!! (Where the hell do you get your incredible energy fromm?????? My jaw is on the floor, reading all of that! ...Wow, the things people can get used to...PHOOOOO!) "that's why I try to leave quickly when she has a bad day..." GOOD BEEPING DECISION! Yeah, you're definitely a survivor. But the trouble is, your brain/mind is stronger than your body. Your new exercises will definitely help a huge deal. "i can't take it anymore," REALLY? Ya don't say! "even if it's not as bad as it used to be." Wrong, actually. The accumulative effect. "On good days, we talk completely normally—I tell her about my work, she tells me what she’s watched on TV, we talk about the weather or some celebrity drama (she’s always more informed about that than I am), or she shows me the new clothes she ordered (she always wants to give me one, no matter if it’s my size or not :D). Those are the days when she hugs me and tells me that she loves her “little daughter”... those are the moments when she feels kinda like my mother again." Oh CN. I don't know what to say. I'm both incredibly sorry for you and incredibly in awe of you. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((BEARHUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ________________________- You realise you're going to have to confront your father, don't you. And then if he still refuses to play ball - tell him he has to pay you the carer's salary. And if he says no - it's tell your doctor time. I MEAN IT. For yours AND your mother's sake. AND his, actually! This is not your duty - not when it's Altzheimer's. No. It's not even his. Just, no.

Don't just go ahead and do it, though. Let's discuss and plan it first. PS: I'm betting your doctor does NOT know that she's been that violent with a 'knife' (scissors). Never mind that it was a footstool! Maybe next time it WON'T be - whether by-accident or another psychotic break! That alone is qualification for her being removed from the marital home and into a specialist care home for-sure because - maybe next time it WON'T be. Imaging the trouble your mother and father's doctor would be in if that happened.

Hey, I'll reply in a few days (I think/hope over the weekend). There's a lot going on right now, and I haven't had the chance to really sit down with it yet. Hope you're okay! :) See ya!

That's cool with me because Monday's 'leccie' black-out really put me back! Speak soon! :)

(Just bumping you up :)) (which is not a hint to hurry) (I don't do hints, I just let 'em have it, haha.)

Hey there, I`m fine. i was quite busy after my vacation at work and stuff, so sorry for the late response 😅 First Positive Stuff: The concerts were sooo great! We first went to the show in Hamburg. I was so close to the singer when he went to his B-Stage, like one arm length close. Also met a few nice people waiting in Line🙂 My back also didn’t act up that much, so i could enjoy the whole show. I experienced a lot of my favorite songs live, and even cried out of joy when they played the Line and Jumpsuit. Look how awesome that show was (That Band/Community is so wholesome): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdK4HMGjU1M https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTuyvPZe9ck (not my vids) Then we went to Cologne for another show where we had seats. That was an even greater show than the first one. The crowd was so crazy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUmjc4xSfl8&list=PLUfZy5mymdKbHdyrtyTZyE6KOgdJ56L6b&index=14 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acv7lTud4UM&list=PLUfZy5mymdKbHdyrtyTZyE6KOgdJ56L6b&index=11 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PggPfCaeWZo&list=PLUfZy5mymdKbHdyrtyTZyE6KOgdJ56L6b&index=24 (this was one of my all time favorite moments at a concert ever. In the Song there is a like 2 minutes gap, where you only can hear birds chirping and also the song is filled with the story they tell through the songs, so it means much. In cologne some people started singing another intense story related song during that break. It was so beautiful! (can’t find a video from cologne but the fans also did this in poland) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNUCeZC1PE4 And this is still crazy for me that they do that to end the show(i was close to them when they did this in hamburg, took some of that confetti with me at home 😄, that was so cool): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZAVMllysNI&list=PLUfZy5mymdKbHdyrtyTZyE6KOgdJ56L6b&index=28 So I had the best time 🙂 I’d love to experience it again 😊 I even almost booked tickets, a hotel, and a flight to London. But then I didn’t go through with it because I thought it would be irresponsible to spend that much money 🥲😒 Looking back, I’m like, 'Girl, just do it if it makes you happy!' Now there aren’t any tickets left, and those are the last two shows of the tour 🫤 but anyways I will never forget those two experiences 🙂 Also had some good food and time off the other days of vacation. How are you doing? _________________________________________________________________________________________________ so now the hard stuff: "Which one of you wants to stop? Is it Captain Kirk (emotional side) or Mr Spock (objective side)? Or IS IT BOTH OF THEM? If so - what percentage each?" It's Maybe 30% emotional. and Maybe 70 % objective. but it depends, sometimes the emotional percentage is also at 70% and on the verge of throwing in the towel, mostly when my dad and I had a discussion About future care/help/Solutions. "Why does he? Is it because he doesn't need to hire anyone (and spend money...home-visiting or live-in carers are expensive, you know that) when he gets your services for-free (and, being a bloke, can tolerate the dirt/mess)? Or is it because he wants and needs you around, emotionally (scared that you'll leave him once your mum passes)? Or maybe however-much of both?" It's the emotional side. I think he doesn't want to lose me. And it's because he gave up (he just accepts his and my mum's "fate"). That man should have needed some professional help as that all went down 2008 with my mum. In order to that my Father had to give up his Job, lost most of his social interactions/friends and then slowly (as the illness of my mother got worse and worse and she kept going into the psychic ward for weeks and Comes out like a Zombie full on meds, with no spur of the Person she once was) he isolated himself more and more. I think it was Maybe 2017 or so when we first spoke about all of what happened and how it both affected us, how we feel About losing her in that way, how he managed all that back then alone(without really professional help)... It wasn't easy for him to lose his wife, take care of that bit which was left and all the craziness and on top of that manage his rebellious daughter. (I had one single conversation with a psychiatrist back then, she wanted to check how i feel with all of this. I was scared of this whole situation and of them somehow, of course I was. I saw them fixate and sedate my mum as she was fighting and screaming for her life more than once in this psychic ward when we visited her. So when I went to that psychiatrist She only asked me if I´m okay with what my mum's illness is and how it affects our life. I just shrugged my shoulders and said "i don’t know, I think so", then she asked me if i do have some questions. I wanted to know if i can get that too, she said there is a big possibility that i will get that too. Then I was even more scared and was relieved as the conversation was over. That was the help I got at the time of the convo as a 14 year old child. So..I can imagine how much of a help my father got as an adult, zero.) "What strikes me as obvious, however, is that your father's choices are NOT REASONABLE NOR RATIONAL. How is that 'Compus mentis', CN? This, surely, is a case for your version of Social Services? Think of the health-risk to your already-poorly mother that the accumulating dirt poses as? And on her mental health when it comes to the household visual chaos?" Exactly, that's why I want him to do all of that, it also would get him better too. I mean - he's doing the cooking on what? A dirty stove/oven? acutally the kitchen and the bathroom are really clean, at least the things you come in contact most of the time... How come he isn't 'deeply ashamed' when it comes to you and your mother? Maybe i understand him there a little. I´m also ashamed but and thats the point i know it has to be done, so we have to do it. I think he´s too Deep in self-pity. "So your welfares are less important than what strangers or soon-to-become strangers (again) think - is that it? If he were ashamed, he'd do something about it." You´re right. I think it's also the long time he's been in this Situation. Maybe he's not ashamed of the Situation as itself, Maybe it's that it's been so Long and he did Nothing about it. Now, asking for or seeking professional help takes at least a few teaspoons of self-overcoming, I think. To “forgive” yourself for not having been “good enough”. Like also more a "those strangers will think i'm a bad Father/Husband". Of course this doesn’t justify anything, I know. but I can somehow understand him a little. “He 'reasons', 'rationalises' and 'justfies' exactly like Slinky, doesn't he. (Had you not noticed that?)” I noticed, but he wasn’t like this before he gave up on himself. Yes. And I suspect that's because this so-called Doctor has for too long proven that he doesn't give a toss about the obvious 'elephant in the room' going on here, courtesy of your father's lack of rationale or ability to make adult, intelligent decisions, PLUS the fact that the man is injured! ANY fool could see that this doctor should have organised home-help already (because your father can't cope even with YOUR help)! WHY HASN'T HE? Because my Father says he doesn't need help in the house and the doctor says he can't just do it without his consent. The Doctor also talked a lot of times with him, that it's needed. As I said, I did hire someone without his consent and he didn't let them in (I could not be there the second time, because of work and had the hope he would let her in, which he didn't, we tried a few more times but it didn't work out.) Then the doctor did the exact same thing after my father did once give his consent, the medical assistant at his office hired someone for him. Then it went like the time I did it. “HOW do you feel like that when it runs completely opposite to reality and concrete evidence? WHY do you feel like that when it completely opposes those things? You should be CROWING with self-pride! Do you see why I'm saying this?” No not really, I'm also an adult now and can’t get any of that shit done. I could have considered another doctor, but I didn't because I know my father will completely close up his stubborn stonewall…(Now it's absolutely no ideal situation but at least at a few things he starts to see that it can't longer be like that.) “I recommend that you tell YOUR doctor everything you've told me - and ensure the doctor knows that your father's doctor is aware of the set-up (that is NOT working and is depleting you whilst preventing you from healing as fast (and properly/permanently) as you could be, as well as from getting on with your own life (finally!).” I will consider that. “Could you enlist the help of your fiance's parents?” No, only his mother is still here but not in good health either. Even if she was, she's too far away. “It could be that your father is behaving like a Narc only because of the state he's in, of course. I don't know..that's why I said you need to think and go through 'the albums'... so that you can tell me: Has he always been as unreasonable and unrational as all this (even if just far more subtly in the past) or is this ridiculous (and frankly despotic!) attitude-into-behaviour something that's appeared only 'recently'? In the past he wasn’t like that as I said. But in my early childhood I was a full on mum child. My mum retired early because of an accident at work, so she was always there. My father was at work most of the time so I couldn’t get in such a deep relationship with him then with my mum…we did like I said when that happened with my mum. And also there he wasn’t like that at first. As he slowly progressed in isolating himself and giving up on himself, he started to show things like that. “...I think you (and Fiance) should consider speaking to a solicitor/lawyer regarding the pros and cons of making an application for getting Power Of Attorney. With control of the finances, you could then hire the level of help that your mother ACTUALLY NEEEEEEDS and SOD how your currently/permanently (passive/covertly) selfish and controlling feels about it!” We talked about that, but wanted to inform us once more at a local social station, to find maybe a solution where my father is d’accore with. “Tip: demand a salary that's far higher than you actually want. This sort of thing works with Narc fathers - e.g.: "Please can you lend me 100 Quid?.....(15 mins of begging followed by a cold refusal later)....... Aww? Well, what about just 60, then?".” I get money for the groceries and other stuff I buy for them. Whenever he has something left he gives it to me (they both don´t have much money). Also as he got a bigger Payment from some rent thing, I got a big amount of that money for my future as backup, I didn’t asked for it, he just gave it to me (i didnt want it in the first place, I told him he should keep it for themselves but he insisted I have to take it) “You don't know what happened, what caused this? Why not? It's absolutely your business to know! Why haven't you demanded your father tell you? What would happen if you did?” I asked him a lot about it. He always says he doesn’t know either. I think maybe something with my mum happened, maybe she showed early symptoms and did say or do something. But to be honest, I don’t care anymore. They left me AS A CHILD. It’s none of my business what kind of issue they have with him or my mother. They all know about the illness and stuff. Do you think anybody in my family even once asked me how I am all that time? I got ignored in town when I clashed into my aunt or uncle, like they didn't know me. Even till this day I'm none existent to them. (Oh well, one time I was…when my grandpa died they called me and told me that I could come to the funeral but only me, and only if i really wanted to, cause I wasn’t present either the last years before he died) And if you can do that to a child you have to be a massive asshole… so fuck them. “Does your own doctor know this?” Not in this detail but he is aware of her illness and the medication she takes and that she still gets in this state. He also knows that I take care for her and my father in some ways but also not in detail. “Is there a theme with the triggers?” No, it’s absolutely random. “"But I've also been German politicians or celebrities." Did you get the paycheck that goes with it, though. (Sorry - Black Humour...I'm having real trouble being in your shoes right now....woah... You have really minimised your situation(s), haven't you. Don't want to make a fuss, eh?)” Did say the same once to her :D made her shift out of it and we had a good laugh (this can also happen, i think i didn’t mention that. But this is a rare occurrence.)(also I builded a pretty good dark humor as well, through all of that. otherwise I had gone insane too) “"Rarely she really attacks my person." How many times? Please describe these events?” I can’t tell when the last time was. Maybe half a year ago, She got triggered (i think because I forgot something to bring for her and something I said got her triggered) and suddenly I was dead to her. She repeatedly phrased “CN is dead. I am not her mother, I never gave birth” and got really angry, screamed at me that I’m dead and adopted, that my father isn’t my father and that she regrets that she had me. (That repeats mostly when she attacks my person) So it doesn't happen that often anymore. Maybe it happens once a year. Back when it all started there were a lot of occasions. Like it happened on a regular basis, daily. One occasion I still have clearly in mind. When I was 13/14 I loved Avril Lavigne, my Room was plastered with posters of her, I dressed like her, I was her in mini :D also her music (even i didn’t understand everything back then. This song carried me through some really dark times back then: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-7WvNoKZDk and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4ar2VMu_2Q ) gave me some strength/was an anchor in that time also it was the first concert/Artist I went to, with my mum. So one day I came back from skipping School (When I first noticed something wrong with my mum I stayed at home to watch her secretly, because I was worried she would do something bad, I also was scared to tell my dad what I had noticed, he didn’t believe me I thought. After it all went downhill with her and everything got worse I stayed at a local river or in a park the whole school day, cause I didn't have the brain power to on top of all that shit learn things in school and be a normal teenager). So when I got back home my mum drew mustaches and glasses all over Avril’s face at the posters and said some really mean stuff to me, she also had thrown away or destroyed other things that were important to me, I can’t really recall that (I think my brain wants to protect me//Trauma). That made me so sad that I started crying while she threw words at me. I tried to reach my mum so badly that i tried to talk to her/ask her why she would say and do all of that, also screaming. I even begged that “monster” to give my mum back to me. At some point she started to push me around (i think it triggered her more, that I talked to her like that). I snapped and attacked her by screaming some not so nice things at her and pulling on her hair (I'm not proud of that). It ended with both of us pulling each other's hair for a while, I kicked her leg until she let me go. Then I locked myself in my room, ripped all the posters and cried for the whole night. That was the only intense/physical occurrence there ever was. “Is there a theme with the triggers?” No, it's really random. “So she's really far-gone, then?” jup, sometimes (when she gets in these repeated sayings or nonsense talking) you can’t reach her until she’s “finished” or you have to try repeatedly like “Mum? Mum? Hello? Mum? ‘her name’? Mum?” and then she reacts sometimes and stops. When she gets worried about me, that i’m hurt or that she hurt me, I can calm her down by hugging her, telling her everythings okay. “"but she was never a danger to others. She was admitted again once because she no longer wanted to eat and drink (she thought it was poisoned)" By whom? The rellies?” No, she thought my father or I or politicians put poison in her food and drinks. She also thought there were cameras in our house and that she’s being watched by the government. She went to the police to press charges against our then Minister of the Interior because she believed he was the mastermind behind her surveillance. That was the first time the whole situation came to light (to my father and authorities), because the police came to our home and searched for cameras. “PS: I'm betting your doctor does NOT know that she's been that violent with a 'knife' (scissors). Never mind that it was a footstool! Maybe next time it WON'T be - whether by-accident or another psychotic break! That alone is qualification for her being removed from the marital home and into a specialist care home for-sure because - maybe next time it WON'T be. Imaging the trouble your mother and father's doctor would be in if that happened.” That thing with the scissors happened maybe 2009 or so. Of course she went to the psychiatric ward again after that also because of that stabbing (danger to herself, in hurting herself with that scissor and also because she hadn’t drink and eaten anymore) Since she’s getting her recent meds there wasn’t any incident like that anymore.

(Same message to Balance) Eyup! I've been fighting to find time to log-on but, life kept getting in the bloody way again - including, I overdid it and injured my whole left arm AND LEG, fnuckisifibugAAAARGH! So this, typing, is a bit painful. Plus I'm on serious pain medicine so not quite with-it and would probably go off on tangents and muck about, LOL. However, the weekend is mine...ALL MINE, D'YA HEAR (*shakes fist at the sky*)!!! Cheers as always for your patience and understanding, mateys.

Hey, oh nooo! Get well soon! Take your Time! For the meantime I have a story to share for a little laugh (I hope it's not just funny for me): today was (once again) a very clumsy day for me... I walked home with my bike in one hand in the other my phone to send a voicemail to my fiance. I tripped into a hole in the ground, lost balance and fell, the bike on top of me. some people on the street were watching the whole scene. I didn't injure myself or something so everythings good, I got up and casually walked home like nothing happened. A bit later I wanted to meet my fiance after his shift at his workplace. So, I got on my bike. As I arrived there was a bench where I always sit and wait for him. So I drive next to that bench to park my bike, which is surrounded by some bushes and a little knockelshigh wall..... I wanted to get off my bike and got stuck with my shoe on the wall....so I fell straight into one of these bushes :D :D :D I didn't get hurt, just had some branches and leaves in my hair and pants when I crawled out :D :D some of the people outside of the workplace from my fiance noticed this and got really worried cause they thought I was crying, but i was laughing my soul out of myself :D :D :D So a nice lady walked over to me and asked if i'm okay, I said that everythings okay, but thats probably not my day today, still laughing :D Then a few minutes later two men walked past me, who also witnessed everything, and one of them said its the best when you can laugh about yourself, which I agreed. The other one said my stunt was a 9.5 out of 10 :D Then I lost it again and started laughing in tears :D :D see ya soon :)

Ahh, THANK-you for that reassurance and understanding, I really appreciate it. I am READING your stuff, it's just, finding time to respond while trying to keep the queue down and ensuring everyone's had ample advice before they pop off again - AND, holding my arm in the typing position. Because, yours and Balance's threads are the 'meatiest'...demand full-cylindry for deeper thought and considertion....far more nuance and grey areas to sort through. I hate doing a so-so job CUZ ARMA PER-FEK-SHON-IST, INNIT. And I'll need a good, solid, two hours to check-out all those links (slave-driver! ;p). So, yeah...thanks for that reprieve (exhales and removes hair shirt). See ya sooner!

" walked home with my bike in one hand in the other my phone to send a voicemail to my fiance. I tripped into a hole in the ground, lost balance and fell, the bike on top of me. some people on the street were watching the whole scene. I didn't injure myself or something so everythings good, I got up and casually walked home like nothing happened." Ooh, I say - look at Miss Confident! :D "and even cried out of joy when they played the Line and Jumpsuit." Wow. Sounds like the experience was truly, upliftingly spiritual for you! (How much was the ticket? Cheap even at twice the price, I imagine?) Here - didn't you get sprayed with hair-and-face sweat at the B stage? EWWWWW, lol. (Still an improvement on Slinky's hot-air, tho, lol.) (I will look at the links, first chance I get, but I really don't have time for 'telly' right now as, NOW, I'm preparing majorly for guests as well as still sorting house and garden problems that have cropped up (*runs over cartoon hill, yells, "aaaaaaargh!", runs back).) I’d love to experience it again 😊 I even almost booked tickets, a hotel, and a flight to London. But then I didn’t go through with it because I thought it would be irresponsible to spend that much money 🥲😒 Looking back, I’m like, 'Girl, just do it if it makes you happy!' Now there aren’t any tickets left, and those are the last two shows of the tour 🫤 but anyways I will never forget those two experiences 🙂"" YEEEAH, YA GREAT 'NANA! *It's your form of therapy* (like beaches are mine)...and it clearly works pretty instantly (as do beaches on me)! Damnit. Hang on, though... Aren't there shop and online outlets that sell unwanted tickets or last minute ones where the purchaserss can no longer fulfill the commitment (like when someone dies, a baby is born, hosital appt., having to last-min fly abroad...)? In fact, isn't it CALLED "Last Minute dot com"???...or am I going bonkers? Here - did you remember to wear foam earplugs? You watch your hearing with all those concerts, yeah (cluck-cluck)? When's their next tour, then? (Are you a member of their fan-club?) And was it really bonding between you and "Fee-Yon-Say"? (Like Beyonce, but no boobs....luckily.) __________________________ ""Which one of you wants to stop? Is it Captain Kirk (emotional side) or Mr Spock (objective side)? Or IS IT BOTH OF THEM? If so - what percentage each?" It's Maybe 30% emotional. and Maybe 70 % objective. but it depends, sometimes the emotional percentage is also at 70% and on the verge of throwing in the towel, mostly when my dad and I had a discussion About future care/help/Solutions." Ah! Then, that is not a demonstration of your feelings about caring for you mum (that part you're fine with). It's your frustrating trying to grab at the nearest thing to throw at him. That's different. Hmm... Do you think you could get a Carer's Allowance from the government? Otherwise - solicitor (Wills & Probate) for that PoA (Power of Attorney) so that you're free to hire the extra help (cleaner, for example). You could even hire a live-in housekeeper-carer. Some au-Pairs, those that want to learn the language, are willing to do that if carers are scarce or too expensive (dribbling babies is dribbling babies, innit). You'd just have to show them all the ropes first. It's time. Especially as you're buzzing and walking on air, still. Cash-in on that - I would? Irritatingly, that's all the time I have right now so I'll have to continue later. (Don't post again until I do, plizzies- ta.) Really-really pleased you had such a ball! Just what the doctor ordered! :)))) FUUUUUUUN! It doesn't necessarily fix things (tho it can?) but it gives you the turbo-shoes to tackle things yourself. PS: "Slinky WHO?" ;D

"PS: "Slinky WHO?" ;D" Slinky who texted me again!!! I'm so so sorry, I had to tell. I will wait (reflect, process this message) until you responded to all remaining posts. Don't feel any pressure or stress. I just saw that text and had to tell. That is a hell of a Rollercoaster of emotions right now.... See ya!

SHE'S TRIED TO HOOVER YOU! I was waiting for that. (And yes of course that's worthy of ignoring my request!) No, then - you go for it right now if you want. This takes priority over everything else, after all. We can chatter about the other stuff afterwards. Tell-me-tell-me-tell-me! :)))) (PS: Is it making you feel validated and vindicated?)

Alright, Here we go: Her message: Hi CN, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to you. I reacted very insensitively to your situation at the time and behaved childishly (emotionally driven). Now, with some distance, I recognize this mistake. In our friendship, we often discussed how each of us defines friendship for ourselves, and perhaps we simply have a point of conflict there that I need to accept. In this context, we could have talked about it differently... But my way of approaching this topic made that impossible. And I would like to apologize for this "approach." Why am I writing this... Firstly, something has changed in my life, and I now understand my past behavior more (no, I don't have cancer and I'm not seeking forgiveness 😅). Secondly, I don't want to part on bad terms. You were one of my closest friends for 10 years, and I don't wish you any harm. Maybe you won't answer—and that's okay—but it was still important to me to sincerely apologize to you for that part. My thoughts about that: It's - at first glance - a good Apology. But only at first glance. I see manipulation, the fishingline thrown out at the sea. And at least if there is some honesty/reflexion in it, a apology for her well beings/End things in a good way for her not for me. It's basically a basic Apology. It's missing detail to sound better and maybe to avoid emotional vulnerability. I have so many thoughts about that right now...but I'm at work and my break is over :D so share your thoughts I will be back later :)

So, life were busy the last days, sorry for the delay.... here are a few more thoughts on the whole thing: When I first read her message, I had a strong emotional reaction. It brought back a wave of feelings—sadness, anger, and even a hint of hope. The mention of a life change instantly triggered concern in me; part of me worried that something bad might have happened to her. At that moment, I saw the message as thoughtful and reflective. But then I made a conscious effort to step back and look at it more objectively. I needed to check in with myself and ask: Is this really about reconciliation, or is it more about her comfort and control? Or like you asked: “(PS: Is it making you feel validated and vindicated?)” The more I analyzed it, the more I noticed how carefully it was worded—how it touched on emotions without ever fully owning responsibility. The apology felt vague, and certain phrases seemed like subtle hooks to provoke a reaction or reopen a door, especially the part about her life changes and the soft suggestion that it’s “okay if I don’t respond.” It began to feel more like a controlled attempt to clear her conscience—or test if she still had emotional access to me—than a sincere, vulnerable apology. She admits that she was wrong and made mistakes but doesnt get into that stuff and also she didn’t say sorry for what that might have done to me/made me feel like. Also that she did that "Apology" in the safe space of a message, is an indicator for me that she didn't really “learn” anything. Its the same circle as always (she told me about many other friends, where she sent such a message after a while of no contact) And the truth is: I don’t owe her a response that reopens anything, Or a response at all. Recognizing the manipulation behind the tone doesn’t make me cold—it makes me clear. I know, like I said, I don’t owe her a reply. I’m torn about whether I should respond. On the one hand, I don’t want to give her any material she can use to make herself look good in front of others if she tells them about this—so I’m leaning toward writing a short, neutral message. Also, as a form of closure for myself. But I also know that she could make herself look good in front of others without any effort anyway, no matter if I write a response or not. And that makes me on the other hand think I shouldn't respond at all. I did consider going into detail and telling her again what really hurt me, but I know that wouldn’t change anything. Still, I’d like to leave her with a bit of a sting—something subtle, like saying “I’ve taken note of your apology” might achieve that. The non responding should achieve that too though. I don’t wish her harm, but I do want her to feel a little unsettled—I want to pinch some Narc nerves, if you know what I mean.

Heya! I'm not going to be able to read and respond to anyone on here until Sat avo now, once my guests have left (see Balance's thread), but I'll dedicate the whole day and night, and Sunday too if necessary, to ensure I'm all caught up. Sorry again :(

Hey Soul, Don't worry, I can wait :)) I hope you're having a great time with your guests! Also, how are you? Are your pains any better? See ya :)

I know I haven't been in on this topic, but I'll try to add my 5 bits in response to the message you received, CreativeNick. So I guess, this is just my perspective, but when I read that message I didn't really notice the manipulation, or fishing line, as it were. It's just me reading the message without any context or anything, but from where I'm sitting it reads fairly. She apologized. She said she was insensitive and childish, and she admitted that her way of handling things made it impossible for the two of you to talk about things differently. To me, it was her apology and should be taken at face-value. And maybe it's unfair that she gets closure with it while you don't, but maybe you just gotta let it go. At least you received closure. I think sometimes what we hope for isn't what we get. And it's outta your control. But to try to read between the lines and dwell on what this might have meant, or what that might have been insinuating... Ain't nobody got time for that! Sometimes even when you do get closure, it doesn't go the way you'd hope, anyway. You know, I think with some people, we just aren't our best selves. We can't ever have the dynamic with them that we'd like to have. And I guess it makes sense to fantasize about this ideal send-off with various people in your life and how that would go. But the truth is, you really won't know what that's like until it's happening.

Hey Balance, thank you for taking the time to read and share your perspective — I genuinely appreciate that. I agree with some of what you said. It’s true that sometimes we overanalyze, hoping to find meaning or fairness where there just isn’t any. And yes, closure doesn’t always come in the way we expect — if at all. But I also feel that reading her message in isolation (without the context of our past dynamic) makes it seem a lot more sincere and straightforward than it may actually be. From my side, there were repeated patterns — not just with me, but also with other people — that felt emotionally manipulative. And that context makes a big difference in how her apology lands with me. It’s not that I want to dismiss an apology or pick it apart just to be right. I think I’m trying to understand where my own boundaries were too soft, or where I allowed emotional guilt to override my instincts. That’s what I’m trying to learn from this — not just for closure, but for personal growth. So I guess it’s less about "reading between the lines" and more about trusting the lines I’ve already read — repeatedly — in this friendship. Still, your reminder not to over-dwell is a helpful one, and I appreciate the groundedness of it. Thanks again for your input. :)

FINALLY!!! OMG, I haven't been that busy and knackered since I was trying to emigrate here before the Brexit deadline! Thanks SO much for your understanding, CN. I feel guilty enough as it is when I can't get on, which is pointless when there isn't a thing I can do to alleviate it, but, there we go - that's us Empaths for ya, eh. Plus, I've been gagging to read about the Hoovvering... Balance? You're a Star! (((((hug))))) Right, lemmie have a good read and catch-up....

"Alright, Here we go:" Me too. Not reading ahead. I'm just going to approach 'her' approach as if she's normal and then 'speak my thoughts/quips' as they occur, i.e. whatever makes my brain sound the BS or incongruency alarms.... "Her message: Hi CN, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to you." WHAT opportunity? (Contrivance no. 1) WHY DIDN'T SHE PHONE YOU. Apologies aren't real unless they're said to your face (or, depending - ear). Two anomalies/inappropriates already, look. Great (rolls eyes). "I reacted very insensitively to your situation at the time and behaved childishly (emotionally driven). Now, with some distance, I recognize this mistake." (My response would have been: 'Yeah, well...trouble is: I prefer friends who have the self-awareness in the moment, not months later. How ya gonna fix THAT, then?'.) I mean - let's be honest - who wants to put up with an increasingly-dangerously holey fence for the sake of some WORDS weeks/months later! "In our friendship," (PFF! I think you'll find, the fact it's broken proves it wasn't much of one, so you can cut that crap for starters, luv!) Yeah - see? ALREADY, I can't hold-off addressing her directly. These anomalies and inappropriatenesses are too easy to miss if you're not really au fait with Covert word-tactics and hoovering. "we often discussed how each of us defines friendship for ourselves," (SORRY - I thought this was supposed to be an apology? What's all this friendship analysis ollocks you've dove straight into? ...WHaaat???? You on drugs, luv?) Ooh! IS she, CN? Is she a drinker, for example? SO far - her "apology" is like this: "I wanted to apologise for having stamped on your toes. The thing about toes, is...(etc)." (What is this - a Monte Python sketch...The Apology Bureau? :p Bored already, zzzzzzz...) "and perhaps we simply have a point of conflict there that I need to accept." We. (WE?????????? Are you a sodding masochist or something?!...or, like a semi-broken telly that desperately needs a good whack on the head from time to time to get it to function, and goes all fuzzy and pixelated to get it???) "In this context," (What is this - a fecking uni lecture?!) "we could have talked about it differently..." We. There's that We again. PS: She clearly doesn't have a CLUE what to say, hence coming out with all this GUMPH. Again - where is the apology? Or does she think you just say the WORDS I apologise but not actually go into it or describe WHAT. YOU. DID. that merits one? (Have one back, luv: 'Yeah, I'd like to apologise too. Things got a bit stormy there. In fact, tomorrow's forecast mentioned something about storms. That's the funny thing with storms (etc etc)...') "But my way of approaching this topic made that impossible." (Ohhhh, was it just the way you approached it, not the thing itself? Nor the fact you've been like that too many times before? Oh, riiiiight, yeah.... PS: NAUGHTY TOPIC! Make it sit on the Naughty Step, go on!) "And I would like to apologize for this "approach." (Noooo, you wouldn't, luv. For starters, you've had to do a gigantic run-up. ALSO, sincere apologies mention 'apology' only once; they don't USE that word when making the actual apology - they switch to the colloquial: I'M SORRY - and, ARE YOU OKAY? - and, PLEASE CAN WE TALK ON THE PHONE(!!!!!) You?... it's just Me-Me-Me and 'naughty fist'!) "Why am I writing this..." (Because you're not right in the head. Next question? Try - and why am I writing LIKE this? Answer: because you don't work right, hence can't apologise right, either.) "Firstly, something has changed in my life," Oh - '*HER* opportunity'! Now I get it.... In other words: I'm contacting you finally because *I* need something and because *I* felt like it. (Yes, luv. It's called, you had a diamond and played footie with it on a gravel pathway.) "and I now understand my past behavior more" What - in a matter of weeks? Pray tell, what IS this time-machine-speed enlightment programme called?!) This is 'an old Chestnut', CN. It's called, OH, I'VE CHANGED / SEEN THE LIGHT (in two seconds flat). Ignore it. It's BS. "(no, I don't have cancer and I'm not seeking forgiveness 😅)." CANCER? WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT CANCER?! OH, MY GOD! *NARC-SOCIOPATHIC REVEAL*/DUPER'S DELIGHT TACTIC! I'll explain: another old chestnut for emotionally hooking you back is pretending to have cancer. She is DELIBERATELY making reference to it! Either she knows you suspect you know what she is OR she herself already knows what she is (and that you don't/aren't sure) and is enjoying a bit of Duper's Delight there. It's a bit like this (said out of nowhere and nothing): I haven't got a knife behind my back. "Secondly, I don't want to part on bad terms." (Shoulda thoughta that before you did A, B, C, D.....) "You were one of my closest friends for 10 years, and I don't wish you any harm." (Oh! Not 'we were'? Or - 'I was your closest friend'?) Nope! It's all about her. HER friendship and what it did for HER. Oh, and what happened, neurolinguistically, to the usual, 'you *are*' or 'have been'? See all of this, CN? TIIIIIINY, aren't they. Like little tiny crumbs and peek-a-boos dropped here and there. BUT THEY'RE IN THERE. "Maybe you won't answer" OLD CHESTNUT! (Yeah, maybe she won't. :P All depends on how stupid and soft you-you-you are convinced she is and still will be, eh. :p) Yuck. "and I don't wish you any harm" 'I *haven't* got any harm behind my back, honest, I have't'. Also, what happened to: 'And I will always wish you the best'? Seeing the leakages, CN?...the slightest shift from Normal to Not Normal aka Slightly Off? "—and that's okay—but it was still important to me to sincerely apologize to you for that part." (WHY WAS IT?! TELL CN *WHY* - go on! ...that is, if you've managed to cook up some more BS since? Nah...ya can't, can ya. Thought not.) "My thoughts about that: It's - at first glance - a good Apology. But only at first glance." I COULD HUG YOU! You are TOO sharp, missus. You're not dupeable - you're just KIND. "I see manipulation, the fishingline thrown out at the sea." Yep! Yep! AND WITH NO BAIT ON IT, EVEN! Narcissist's Temperature Test aka Litmus Dip. "And at least if there is some honesty/reflexion in it," Well, I couldn't find any. "a apology for her well beings/End things in a good way for her not for me." Nope - not yet. Temp Test. "It's basically a basic Apology. It's missing detail to sound better and maybe to avoid emotional vulnerability." MWA! (I kissed you lol) Correct and Correct - 100%! You are one fantastic woman and (eff-it, I'm gonna say it) - I wish we'd met in real life! ...Sharp as a Diamond, eh! :)))))) "I have so many thoughts about that right now...but I'm at work and my break is over :D so share your thoughts I will be back later :)" My thoughts were your thoughts (and lots more besides). :) That does it... CREATIVENICK: WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN ME, BALANCE AND MANALONE AND BECOME A REGULAR BS-DETECTOR AND MESSY-WOOL-UNRAVELLER FOR OTHERS? (Say No if you're too busy - or say you can just keep popping in from time-to-time. But you would make an incredible addition to our team and no messing!) *wiggles eyebrows expectantly*

Anyway, that wasn't an apology, it was the statement of intent to make an apology....which then didn't happen (like you say - didn't go into ANY specifics or details!). It's a typical Covert CRUMB...as a come-hither, a lure. You're supposed to mail back or ring - under the logical (- normally) assumption that that's when she'll go into it (NOPE!). Just, sweep it under the rug - as they do. So, yes she DOES want (insta-, senseless) forgiveness. If it's in the form of never raising it again (victim too grateful for the pain having (temporarily) stopped to remember - or dare - re-raise it AND/OR the opportunity just never seems to come up....all that avoidance and evasion nonsense that this extra-slippery type of character would rather stick forks in her eyes than have to come out with - Vulnerability (she thinks) destroys the power dynamic (in her favour). However - she's done a dual message, just enough for just-in-case no forgiveness is forthcoming...in which case, she'll hope she's buttered you up J...UST enough to lower the quantum of anger that could have you going round telling other people what she's really like once you get to (pff) know her. Because, of course - YOU'VE had time to reflect, eh. (In fact, you're the only one, because - you can actually NAME yours!) I take it you haven't responded? Feel silly even asking that but - not reading ahead so... And anyway, sometimes responding (ONCE you know what's genuinely what and have seen through them) is useful...(to stop them hoovering ever again). AND fun, haha!

...Well, it's fun to think up, anyway. Oh, Slinky, I missed you sooo much! I saw you coming a number of times and ducked. PS. you owe me medical bills for a cricked neck. Or... Remind me: you're the Blonde one, right? Or... Yes, your mother once warned me about something about that. ...or was it your Father?... No - wait! - it was the guy works down the chip-shop swears he's Elvis :p (- not sure if you'll get that but it's a line from Kirsty McColl's 80s hit). Your turn! :D

...So - in short - her whole "apology" (lure using your human drive for apology/justice) was Narcissistic Word Salad (google that and 'When the narc promises to change' and 'pretends they've changed/seen the light' and 'Why narcs hoover', of course...just to see what didn't go over your head like it does most people's). PS: I've got loads of these saved in my archives from the past. I'm seriously thinking about arranging all their hoovering and word-salading phrases into song lyrics. Think I'd start with that golden-oldie classic: I know you probably don't want to talk to me (or some such, e.g., I understand if you don't want to) "but".... (Take your but and stick it up your but where it came from, luv. :p) Uh-oh, I've started....lol...

"here are a few more thoughts on the whole thing:" Good stuff - I was about to ask how you'd felt, and since, anyway... "When I first read her message, I had a strong emotional reaction. It brought back a wave of feelings—sadness, anger, and even a hint of hope." Yeah, it does. That's just programming/habit. It's REALLY HARD to come to terms with the fact you've spent time on someone's Matrix (which, basically, psychologically-tantamountedly, you have). You end up chanting - I must remember she's not normal and all of this is in their (universal) Narc Playbook. I still say you weren't with her (her type) for long enough to see the full disgusting extent of her. But you DID get a clue: she wanted her cash-peanuts back. (Money-money-money!!!) She would have started asking for "friendly" loans and hand-outs, bet you any money (hers! :p) you like. "The mention of a life change instantly triggered concern in me; part of me worried that something bad might have happened to her. At that moment, I saw the message as thoughtful and reflective." But only at that moment. Your death-grip on reality is A. MA. ZING. You must however-far-back have both royalty (life too hard...no time for pretensions and shannigans) AND hardy peasant genes (ditto). Great mixture. "But then I made a conscious effort to step back and look at it more objectively." YEAH - THAT! Exactly that! That's Royalty. They had to do that when they were the only 'government' the lands had - think about it! Work First - THEN Play! Aka Business first, THEN personal. Yeah? Seeing it? You could even be from the illigitimate line (if you have any clue about how rife affairs/lovers were amongst them?) Doesn't make any difference - you still have 'them genes' (designer haha). "I needed to check in with myself and ask: Is this really about reconciliation, or is it more about her comfort and control?" YIP! "Or like you asked: “(PS: Is it making you feel validated and vindicated?)” The more I analyzed it, the more I noticed how carefully it was worded—how it touched on emotions without ever fully owning responsibility." YES! "The apology felt vague," YES! "and certain phrases seemed like subtle hooks to provoke a reaction or reopen a door," YUP! "especially the part about her life changes and the soft suggestion that it’s “okay if I don’t respond.”" YEPPETY-DOO! "It began to feel more like a controlled attempt to clear her conscience—or test if she still had emotional access to me—than a sincere, vulnerable apology." Do you want my job? :D Right - promise me this: if I suddenly get run-over by a big, fat truck - you've got to take over. Deal? :D "She admits that she was wrong and made mistakes but doesnt get into that stuff" YES. "and also she didn’t say sorry for what that might have done to me/made me feel like." YESSSS. "Also that she did that "Apology" in the safe space of a message," (deep voice) YYYES. "is an indicator for me that she didn't really “learn” anything." AND AGAIN - CORRECT! "Its the same circle as always (she told me about many other friends, where she sent such a message after a while of no contact)" No way - she didn't! OMG!...:D She's probably forgotten. "And the truth is: I don’t owe her a response that reopens anything, Or a response at all." CORRECT - AND, CORRECT. "Recognizing the manipulation behind the tone doesn’t make me cold—it makes me clear." Nice one! (Cold comes later fyi.) "I know, like I said, I don’t owe her a reply." Nope. "I’m torn about whether I should respond. On the one hand, I don’t want to give her any material she can use to make herself look good in front of others if she tells them about this—" THERE YA GO! (THLUP!) But - 'TELL them'? Oh no - she'd SHOW them! Why do you think she wants it all in writing? ("See? I sent her this lovely apology and all she came back with was 'F-you!'. I'm telling you - she's MAD!") "so I’m leaning toward writing a short, neutral message." HOLD THAT THOUGHT. "Also, as a form of closure for myself. But I also know that she could make herself look good in front of others without any effort anyway," (phew!) "no matter if I write a response or not." CORRECT. There's only one winning if you're not as...hang-on.... I was about to say 'not as sharp as YOU'! :D Yeah - you can. Let's formulate one though. Don't send it without my being able to check and correct it (if necessary) - okay? "And that makes me on the other hand think I shouldn't respond at all." Menu Option A: Don't respond (in own jus) Menu Option B: Respond too cleverly for her and her aims (flambeed). And which would Modom like, or would Modom like another glass of Chablis while she thinks about it? "I did consider going into detail and telling her again what really hurt me, but I know that wouldn’t change anything."ç Plus she ain't a goldfish. It's just the sliminess in-common, not the grey matter. "Still, I’d like to leave her with a bit of a sting—something subtle, like saying “I’ve taken note of your apology” might achieve that. The non responding should achieve that too though." See above menu. "I don’t wish her harm, but I do want her to feel a little unsettled—I want to pinch some Narc nerves, if you know what I mean." Yes, you do. You need to at least twist her ankle or something. So that she isn't on top of her usual game enough to pick on other innocent 'prey'. They won't be ignored (, Dan) - and - they won't be humiliated. Option A.... Option B.... how's the Chablis? :))))))))))

You don't hobble them for revenge (doesn't work anyway). You do it to save other people who haven't got your incredible clarity of thought and vision. The strong have to help the weak. The bearded bloke in sandals said so. Innit. I think it's safer to believe him, don't you? Jesus forgives. We're not Jesus. The person has to ask for it. She ain't asked for it. She dun' wannit. You don't apologise if you know you have zero intention of STOPPING doing that thing or things from hereon-in, do you. Because that's what an apology/request for forgiveness implicitly promises, innit. (Makes sense now, huh?) Oh yeah, she had/has more in-store for you, "Mrs Squishy-Arm-Twisty" (-pff...she doesn't even KNOW you, look!)

PS: "Right - promise me this: if I suddenly get run-over by a big, fat truck - you've got to take over. Deal? :D" By which I specifically meant, the 'seeing through a Narc's every aim and intention' bit.... a walking x-ray machine. (video voiceover man voice) The resident Narc Slayer. :) Me, I can see what they ate for breakfast. You're not far-off, though.

PS: "and she admitted that her way of handling things made it impossible for the two of you to talk about things differently." Making that - and everything - impossible is Swat Narx Do. And then they faux-apologise (over-vaguely - from arm's length) for it. And then the minute they've got you safely back/hooked - DO IT ALL AGAIN. Or shuffle it around the plate a bit to make it look different (fail). And that - amongst loads more interactional and psychological crimes or misdeameanours - is why ALL victims eventually-inevitably reach the end of their tether (in a Covertly-operting Narc context - extra-extra long one to the (empath) already extra-long one that existed beforehand.) ...and there was everyone, thinking, when someone's mentally ill they turn purple and start quacking like a duck. ;) (Certainly that would make our job easier, eh!)

PS Balance/All: I know today's Sunday but for my weekend shifted by a day...call it SatSunday. So I've on-off (in amongst my chores, making supper n stuff, watering the plants, birds and kitcat) got all of tomorrow (SunMonday) to post/catch-up as well, no wozzies, this is not a Willow-The-Wisp-style appearance. I WAS gonna type, '-style approach', but I've suddenly gone off that word. ;p

Here you are - a serious suggestion (to put on the list of optional comebacks that leave her paralysed): "Dear Slinky. I haven't got cancer either. I managed to avoid it just-in-time." Thoughts? It'll get your own non-replyable-comeback cogs going, anyway, that's the main thing. OR... Dear Slinky, Sorry - what apology-where? You said you wanted to apologise but didn't refer to a single thing? Could you tell me what words and deeds specifically, on your part, that you're apologising for? That might help? ((Oopth - cornered.)) ((You're lying, obvs. It won't help at all. But the point is to get her shutting-up for-good AND worried about her convinceability as a Manipulator-Machievelli.))

Here you go - more validation: _____________________________________________________________________________________________ https://www.psychologytoday.com/nz/blog/narcissism-demystified/202009/13-fake-apologies-used-narcissists "13 Fake Apologies Used by Narcissists Why narcissists' faux apologies can leave you feeling worse than ever." Dan Neuharth Ph.D., MFT Narcissism Demystified "From time to time, nearly all of us make mistakes that hurt others. Fortunately, an earnest apology can soothe feelings, rebuild trust, and infuse healing into a damaged relationship. Authentic and heartfelt apologies, however, are rarely given by narcissists. Attending to others’ feelings or rebuilding trust are generally not narcissists' top priorities. Loath to admit mistakes, narcissists focus on preserving their image and protecting themselves from discomfort—regardless of the discomfort they cause others. Apologies that begin with phrases such as “I'm sorry but” or “I'm sorry if” often lack authenticity. Such faux apologies seek to avoid responsibility, make excuses, downplay what was done, invalidate, confuse, or move on prematurely. While many of us occasionally miss the mark in apologizing, a telling characteristic of narcissists is their tendency to refuse to apologize or to issue apologies that leave others underwhelmed, confused, or feeling even worse. Here are 13 common fake apologies used by narcissists, along with examples of each: The Minimizing Apology: "I was just..." “I was just kidding.” “I was just trying to help.” “I was just playing devil’s advocate.” Minimizing apologies pretend that hurtful behavior is harmless or done for a good cause. The Shift-the-Blame Apology: "I am sorry that you..." “I am sorry that you think I did something wrong.” “I am sorry that you feel I am a bad person.” “I am sorry, but maybe you’re just too sensitive.” These empty apologies put the onus on the person who was hurt as the problem." The Conditional Apology: "I'm sorry if..." "I am sorry if something I said offended you.” “I am sorry if your feelings were hurt.” "I am sorry if I may have done anything wrong." Conditional apologies fall short of a full apology, suggesting only that something may have been hurtful. The Deja-Vu Apology: "I've already..." “I already said I was sorry.” “I have apologized for that a dozen times.” Such statements do not contain an actual apology. They imply that the case is closed. The Phantom Apology: "I regret..." “I regret that you felt upset.” “I regret that mistakes were made.” Regret is a feeling. Apologizing is an action. Telling someone you regret what happened takes no ownership of hurtful behavior. The Whitewashing Apology: "I probably..." “I probably shouldn’t have done that.” “Maybe I should have asked you first.” Whitewashing apologies minimize any harm done by offering a self-effacing posture without owning up to the consequences. The Nothing-to-Apologize-for Apology: "You know I..." “You know I'd never hurt you.” “You know I am sorry.” “You know I didn’t mean that.” These imply that you shouldn't be upset or try to talk you out of your feelings. The Invisible Apology: "I guess I..." “I guess I owe you an apology.” “I guess I should say I am sorry.” These hint at the need for an apology but don't actually offer one. The Pay-to-Play Apology: "I'll apologize if..." “I’ll apologize if you will.” “I will apologize if you agree never to bring it up again.” “I will apologize, but you have to forgive me.” Narcissists are transactional. These are not clean, freely offered apologies; they are attempts at a quid pro quo. Takeaway apologies can be worse than no apology at all, as they add insult to the original injury. The One-Size-Fits-All Apology: "All those times..." “I am sorry for all the things I have done that upset you.” “I apologize for every bad thing I’ve done.” Blanket apologies such as these seek to wipe the slate clean but may offer no indication a narcissist has any idea what he or she said or did that was hurtful. The Get-Off-My-Back Apology: "Enough already..." “Fine! I’m sorry, okay!” “Okay, I am sorry, for chrissakes.” “Give me a break, I am sorry, alright?” “What do you want me to do, climb up on the cross?” Either in words or tone, such grudging apologies don’t offer healing. They may even feel like threats. In narcissists' efforts to avoid blame, they often combine several fake apologies at once, such as, “I am sorry if I said anything to offend you, but I have strong opinions. Maybe you’re too sensitive,” or, “I guess I should tell you I am sorry. But you know I would never deliberately hurt you. I was just trying to help.” A true apology, by contrast, has most or all of the following characteristics: Doesn't contain conditions or minimize what was done. Shows that the person apologizing understands and has empathy for the offended person’s experience and feelings. Shows remorse. Offers a commitment to avoid repeating the hurtful behavior in the future. Offers to make amends or provide restitution where appropriate. The Not-My-Apology Apology: "I was told to..." “Your mother told me to apologize to you.” “My friend thinks I should tell you I am sorry.” Such apologies suggest the person is apologizing only because someone else suggested it. You’re left wondering if the narcissist even believes they did something wrong. The Takeaway Apology: "I am sorry but..." “I am sorry, but other people thought what I said was funny.” “I’m sorry, but you started it.” “I am sorry but I just couldn’t help it.” “I am sorry, but I was just speaking the truth.” Unfortunately, expressing empathy and remorse is often a bridge too far for most narcissists. _____________________________________________________________________________________________ Did you spot Slinky's? I did. :)

“FINALLY!!! OMG, I haven't been that busy and knackered since I was trying to emigrate here before the Brexit deadline! Thanks SO much for your understanding, CN. I feel guilty enough as it is when I can't get on, which is pointless when there isn't a thing I can do to alleviate it, but, there we go - that's us Empaths for ya, eh. Plus, I've been gagging to read about the Hoovvering…” haha welcome back, glad to read from you :) Thanks for your detailed analysis :) I honestly didn’t think I was actually that spot-on with my assessment. I figured the emotional part would cloud my judgment a bit and keep me from seeing things fully objectively. “"we often discussed how each of us defines friendship for ourselves," (SORRY - I thought this was supposed to be an apology? What's all this friendship analysis ollocks you've dove straight into? ...WHaaat???? You on drugs, luv?) Ooh! IS she, CN? Is she a drinker, for example?” No, I think I only saw her really drunk once, otherwise she usually drank very little. There was a time when she smoked weed and experimented with harder party drugs too. But I don’t know anything about an addiction. “SO far - her "apology" is like this: "I wanted to apologise for having stamped on your toes. The thing about toes, is...(etc)." (What is this - a Monte Python sketch...The Apology Bureau? :p Bored already, zzzzzzz...)” Haha, thanks – that actually made me go and watch The Ministry of Silly Walks again! :D “"And I would like to apologize for this "approach." (Noooo, you wouldn't, luv. For starters, you've had to do a gigantic run-up. ALSO, sincere apologies mention 'apology' only once; they don't USE that word when making the actual apology - they switch to the colloquial: I'M SORRY - and, ARE YOU OKAY? - and, PLEASE CAN WE TALK ON THE PHONE(!!!!!) You?... it's just Me-Me-Me and 'naughty fist'!)” Oh yes, I think completely forgot to mention that – I noticed it right away too! “"(no, I don't have cancer and I'm not seeking forgiveness 😅)." CANCER? WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT CANCER?! OH, MY GOD! *NARC-SOCIOPATHIC REVEAL*/DUPER'S DELIGHT TACTIC! I'll explain: another old chestnut for emotionally hooking you back is pretending to have cancer. She is DELIBERATELY making reference to it! Either she knows you suspect you know what she is OR she herself already knows what she is (and that you don't/aren't sure) and is enjoying a bit of Duper's Delight there. It's a bit like this (said out of nowhere and nothing): I haven't got a knife behind my back.” I’m completely confused as to why she included that line in there. I mean, I understand what it’s supposed to achieve, I think, but from the start it just felt so off and strange to read it in an apology. I had assumed that the statement of not having cancer and the 😅 emoji downplays the sentence and the apology itself. It subtly communicates: “I know it’s kind of over-the-top that I’m even reaching out, but I’m doing it anyway.” In doing so, she protects herself from having to be truly sincere. And of course positioning herself as a good person. By saying she’s not seeking forgiveness out of pity, she tries to present herself as someone who is reflective and genuine without emotional manipulation. But yeah, I think it’s possible that she actually realized I’ve figured out what she really is. “"You were one of my closest friends for 10 years, and I don't wish you any harm." (Oh! Not 'we were'? Or - 'I was your closest friend'?) Nope! It's all about her. HER friendship and what it did for HER. Oh, and what happened, neurolinguistically, to the usual, 'you *are*' or 'have been'? See all of this, CN? TIIIIIINY, aren't they. Like little tiny crumbs and peek-a-boos dropped here and there. BUT THEY'RE IN THERE.” Yeah, I noticed that too — and honestly, it’s pretty wild that she can just dismiss 10 years of 'friendship' in a few lines like it’s nothing. "And at least if there is some honesty/reflexion in it," Well, I couldn't find any. "a apology for her well beings/End things in a good way for her not for me." Nope - not yet. Temp Test. uuh.. what just came to my mind in context with that: she once came to me for advice when she had a falling-out with another friend. I told her, 'Why don’t you just ask if you can meet to talk it out, or give her a call? seems it wasn’t that big of a problem' And she said she’d rather send a message as closure, because she had reflected enough to know she didn’t want that friendship anymore and that this incident is one of many. Funny, isn’t it? :D “That does it... CREATIVENICK: WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN ME, BALANCE AND MANALONE AND BECOME A REGULAR BS-DETECTOR AND MESSY-WOOL-UNRAVELLER FOR OTHERS? (Say No if you're too busy - or say you can just keep popping in from time-to-time. But you would make an incredible addition to our team and no messing!) *wiggles eyebrows expectantly*” Wow, that’s honestly really kind of you – thank you for the invitation and your words, it truly means a lot. I’ve been following some of the other threads here and there, but I never quite dared to jump in and add my own thoughts. Still, I think I’ll start doing that more in the future – whenever I feel like I might actually be able to help. I’m not sure I’d have the energy to be super active, but I really like the idea of dropping in now and then, untangling some wool and leaving some honest thoughts behind. Maybe that’s exactly my pace. So: no fixed commitment, but I’m happy to chime in when I feel I’ve got something to contribute. :) ___________________________________________________________________ “I take it you haven't responded? Feel silly even asking that but - not reading ahead so... And anyway, sometimes responding (ONCE you know what's genuinely what and have seen through them) is useful...(to stop them hoovering ever again). AND fun, haha!” No, I didn't respond yet. I’m still not sure if I really want to respond again – or if it’s just the anger in me speaking, the part that’s still longing for a sense of justice. Also, it’s been a few days since I read her message, so she already knows I saw it. Maybe it’s better to just stay silent. But you’re right too… the strong protect the weak, even if it only helps for a little while. So I've drafted several responses. Here are my favorites: Hi S., I’ve read your message. For me, the matter is closed. I still wish you all the best. _____ Hello S., I’ve read your words. The fact that you don’t get specific pretty much says it all. For me, this chapter is closed. I wish you only the best on your path. ______ Hello S., Your words have been received, though they carry little substance for me. As long as you don’t get specific, it remains just a formality in my eyes. I still wish you all the best. ______ Hello S., Your apology is almost as surprising as your clarification that you’re not seriously ill. Thanks for the honest revelation. All the best to you. ______ Hello S., Your message has been received. Sometimes distance is needed to see things more clearly and it seems that’s what you were trying to do. For me, the matter is closed. All the best to you. ______ Hi S., Thank you for your message. I’ve read it. It’s remarkable how much emotion can be put into words without actually taking responsibility. I wish you all the best on your path. ______ Hi S., Thank you for your message. It’s actually reassuring that you’re not begging for forgiveness in some dramatic way – that makes it all feel a lot more believable. I’ll leave it at that and wish you all the best. ____ *clears throat* Hi S., fuck you :) *clears throat again* 👀 woopsie, Just kidding. ____________________________________________________________ Your suggestion: “Dear Slinky, Sorry - what apology-where? You said you wanted to apologise but didn't refer to a single thing? Could you tell me what words and deeds specifically, on your part, that you're apologising for? That might help?” I think that might be a bit too direct, don’t you? It could easily spark another discussion – and that’s really not something I’m looking for. ____________________________________________________________ Oh I have seen them…. that's crazy, I´ve looked into the first few of these… is she using all of them? whaaat 😀 1. The Minimizing Apology “I was just emotional.” “I acted childishly and was emotionally driven.” Minimizes the harm by blaming emotion instead of taking responsibility for the action. 2. The Shift-the-Blame Apology “I’m sorry you feel that way.” “Maybe we just have a fundamental difference in how we define friendship.” Blames a “mutual misunderstanding” instead of acknowledging her own hurtful behavior. 3. The Conditional Apology “I’m sorry if…” “Maybe we could’ve handled that conversation differently.” “Maybe” and “we” deflect responsibility. There’s no clear “I did this, and it was wrong.” 5. The Phantom Apology “I regret that you were hurt.” “I regret the way I approached the situation.” Apologizing for a vague “approach” rather than the actual hurtful content. 6. The Whitewashing Apology “I probably shouldn’t have…” “Things in my life have changed and I understand my past behavior more now.” Sounds reflective, but doesn’t say what she did or who it affected. No real ownership. …that's crazy I know I could go further… Oh and: “PS: "Right - promise me this: if I suddenly get run-over by a big, fat truck - you've got to take over. Deal? :D" By which I specifically meant, the 'seeing through a Narc's every aim and intention' bit.... a walking x-ray machine. (video voiceover man voice) The resident Narc Slayer. :) Me, I can see what they ate for breakfast. You're not far-off, though.” I think I still need a few nudges/help to truly see it through😄 but as you can see, maybe we can get there together.

I think Soulmate made a good point about the "cancer" bit. That was a little random. I'm not so sure I have a bone to pick with "You were one of my closest...", and I still think it's possible you could be making more out of some of it than there actually is. You gotta look at it like, imagine you are writing a letter to someone who you used to be good friends with, but who you now no longer speak to and don't particularly get along with. It's probably not going to sound all pretty and perfect, and you probably will make some word and phrasing choices that have a bit of carelessness to them. It might not be that she's deflecting and detaching herself from the apology, it might just be that she cared enough to write you and try to give you some sense of closure but not enough to bare her soul to you. Could you really blame yourself if you did that to her?

Nah, it's basic neurolinguistics, and going against the ultra-common vernacular (people normally resort to cliches in that situation). I think we're past Devil's Advocate stage on this one, but, ta, anyway.

CN, I'll be logging back on later this avo/early evening to address your rest (I got interrupted last time by a 3-hour phone convo). (And I'm turning my pigging phone OFF this time!) (Everybody go away!) (Except for everyone on here, of course....And Fluffy. :))

Hi again! And sorry for the slowness again. The heatwave and there being too many mosquitos already is making life VERY difficult for everyone over here. (We don't know how to prove it but we believe the councils have ceased spraying the overflow river ditches - their main breeding grounds.) But then, since I arrived here in 2020 there's been nothing but one difficulty after another. And it's ucking humid already (my nemesis!). I have a love-hate relationship with this place. I love my house and location, though. Scuse the whinging...my throat's sore...coming down with something or fighting something off (so that's another irritant...been more ill more often here than I ever was in UK). “I take it you haven't responded? Feel silly even asking that but - not reading ahead so... And anyway, sometimes responding (ONCE you know what's genuinely what and have seen through them) is useful...(to stop them hoovering ever again). AND fun, haha!” No, I didn't respond yet. I’m still not sure if I really want to respond again – or if it’s just the anger in me speaking, the part that’s still longing for a sense of justice." You won't ever get it from her. They withhold it on-purpose - so THAT you feel you have unfinished biz of the very mentally itchy (drive-to-distraction level) variety. You'd come away feeling MORE FRUSTRATED THAN EVER. Anyway... The fact you sustainedly can't bring yourself to respond speaks MAJOR volumes and basically says you're right not to - you shouldn't. "Also, it’s been a few days since I read her message, so she already knows I saw it." Good. " Maybe it’s better to just stay silent." Yes - ESPECIALLY after having read it and her *knowing* you have. Let's see if she reads your continued absence as 'Yeah...whatever, Trevor (yawn)' - can't be arsed...futile...'. If not, it'll have to be that you either KEEP doing nothing for months and months until she gets it through her head, OR, you give her What For - show her know what she is, which you can do disturbingly hotly or disturbingly coldly. Again - 'Properly', to the hilt, is the key. And that way they have no excuses (and you could if you wanted, raise an Injunction). Narcs do get the message, eventually. Consistency (of attitude) is therefore key, in order to sustain it enough that they get it and slink off-Amen. "But you’re right too… the strong protect the weak, even if it only helps for a little while. So I've drafted several responses. Here are my favorites:" Okie-dokes! Hi S., I’ve read your message. For me, the matter is closed. I still wish you all the best. _____ Hello S., I’ve read your words. The fact that you don’t get specific pretty much says it all. For me, this chapter is closed. I wish you only the best on your path. ______ Hello S., Your words have been received, though they carry little substance for me. As long as you don’t get specific, it remains just a formality in my eyes. I still wish you all the best. ______ Hello S., Your apology is almost as surprising as your clarification that you’re not seriously ill. Thanks for the honest revelation. All the best to you. ______ Hello S., Your message has been received. Sometimes distance is needed to see things more clearly and it seems that’s what you were trying to do. For me, the matter is closed. All the best to you. ______ Hi S., Thank you for your message. I’ve read it. It’s remarkable how much emotion can be put into words without actually taking responsibility. I wish you all the best on your path. ______ Hi S., Thank you for your message. It’s actually reassuring that you’re not begging for forgiveness in some dramatic way – that makes it all feel a lot more believable. I’ll leave it at that and wish you all the best. ____ *clears throat* Hi S., fuck you :) *clears throat again* 👀 woopsie, Just kidding." This is the one to do for being disturbingly cold: "Hi S., I’ve read your message. For me, the matter is closed. I still wish you all the best." It means, I don't hate you or anything but please go away now and stay away. (You might want to add, 'still' closed? That then adds this: What - YOU AGAIN (ACH)?! "Your suggestion: “Dear Slinky, Sorry - what apology-where? You said you wanted to apologise but didn't refer to a single thing? Could you tell me what words and deeds specifically, on your part, that you're apologising for? That might help?” I think that might be a bit too direct, don’t you? It could easily spark another discussion – and that’s really not something I’m looking for." Good! :) If that (discussing her into a corner) is not something you're looking for, then what you're saying is, you're in-favour of Staying Silent Forever. It's a commitment, though. If you break the silence (even just with action), you destroy ALL of your progress and have to start again from scratch. "Oh I have seen them…. that's crazy, I´ve looked into the first few of these… is she using all of them? whaaat 😀" Yyyup! Her other favourite (the Whitewashing/Pressing The Reset Button), however, is the "I couldn't help it" (Minimising...minimising her commital of relationship criminality).... ...I couldn't help it...because I was upset....and I have no self-regulatory skills ...cothz I'm only 4.... And being only 4, I don't want to help it, anyway.... So you have to give me a Hall Pass.... Because I'm only 4 and you have to be Mummy and forgive me anything... ((Er. No, luv. You have to cease putting yourself 'up for sale' as anyone's grown-up Friend - or go see your doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist. Until then, you're NOT FIT for the job...and aren't after (or purely after) Friendship in the first place so - DISQUALIFIED!...Bye-bye.)) (See this is the trouble: Narcs don't even like each other! So you can't even expect them to stick to their own kind! Plus, Nurseries won't let them in to play with the other kiddies...) "“Things in my life have changed and I understand my past behavior more now.” Sounds reflective, but doesn’t say what she did or who it affected. No real ownership. …that's crazy I know I could go further…" Uh-huh. We Brits say - 'I could go on but I'd be here all day (if I did)!'. ""Oh and: “PS: "Right - promise me this: if I suddenly get run-over by a big, fat truck - you've got to take over. Deal? :D" By which I specifically meant, the 'seeing through a Narc's every aim and intention' bit.... a walking x-ray machine. (video voiceover man voice) The resident Narc Slayer. :) Me, I can see what they ate for breakfast. You're not far-off, though.” I think I still need a few nudges/help to truly see it through😄 but as you can see, maybe we can get there together."" Oh, sure! But you do see. Seeing your own situation clearly is more difficult than seeing others' - you'll see (haha). Seeing your own is like seeing the back of your own head without a mirror (hence you need another human to describe it). Point is - you recognise it (iffy behaviour and what's behind it). You just don't know all the terminology and how all these symptomatic behaviours fit together, that's all. MEANWHILE - your posts are superb - you're a Natural! Thank-you heaps!

"*clears throat* Hi S., fuck you :) *clears throat again* 👀 woopsie, Just kidding."" Well - NO, actually. If you think about it, your sustained failure to respond says exactly that (in Actionese). Whether it hobbles her or not remains to be seen. But it'll be enough to spark Narc Rage. Who's the next nearest? Answer: Fiance. See the slippery slope to self-ruin she's on?

"Hi again! And sorry for the slowness again. The heatwave and there being too many mosquitos already is making life VERY difficult for everyone over here. (We don't know how to prove it but we believe the councils have ceased spraying the overflow river ditches - their main breeding grounds.) But then, since I arrived here in 2020 there's been nothing but one difficulty after another. And it's ucking humid already (my nemesis!)." High humidity and heat really aren’t a good combination, especially when you’re getting bitten on top of it. It’s already pretty warm over here too. Last week we hit 35°C. Today it’s supposed to be 37°C. It’s way too hot, but at least the humidity isn’t too bad yet. Still, I’m just not made for that kind of weather… unless I’m lying in the shade on a beach or by the pool 😄 "Scuse the whinging...my throat's sore...coming down with something or fighting something off (so that's another irritant...been more ill more often here than I ever was in UK)." Oh no, that sucks. But honestly, in this kind of climate, germs really thrive. There’s a wave of illness going around here at the moment too. My fiancé came down with a nasty cold a few days ago. And now I’m fully sick too – caught the whole thing, full-on. So I’m really hoping I’ll feel at least a bit better by tomorrow… otherwise I’m definitely calling in sick. Work – or rather, the people there – are annoying me lately anyway, so a break wouldn’t hurt 😅 Oh and who’s Fluffy, by the way? Sounds cute and… well, fluffy, obviously 😄 "It's a commitment, though. If you break the silence (even just with action), you destroy ALL of your progress and have to start again from scratch." What exactly do you mean by “actions” that could destroy all progress? Do you also mean passive actions – things I’m not doing directly towards her, but that still somehow relate to her or can get to her knowledge? Because if so… I might’ve already messed up. I actually met up last weekend with the friend who, according to Slinky, is “just an acquaintance” (the one who sadly wasn’t there when I got engaged). We started off talking about concerts, and that’s how Slinky came up – I mentioned I couldn’t go see K.I.Z. live and had to sell my tickets. She asked why, and… well, I didn’t hold back at all. I told her everything. And honestly, it felt really good to share all of it again, especially with someone who at least vaguely knows Slinky. She was shocked. But now, looking back, I feel a little guilty that I talked about her like that and that she maybe will know that i did that. They really have no actual connection, but still I thought, “uh oh… what if this somehow gets back to her?” Is that the kind of “action” you meant? Also... I told a colleague at work a bit of what happened and told her that I no longer have any contact, because she asked me about Slinky’s fiancé (he used to work with us). Since I have no contact with him anymore, she said she’d ask another coworker who still occasionally hangs out with him – maybe I’ll get a sense of how things are going between them these days, through that back channel. "Well - NO, actually. If you think about it, your sustained failure to respond says exactly that (in Actionese)." Yeah. So not replying it is. "Whether it hobbles her or not remains to be seen. But it'll be enough to spark Narc Rage. Who's the next nearest? Answer: Fiance. See the slippery slope to self-ruin she's on?" Do you think she’ll reach out to me again or something? I'm a bit worried about him. I’d feel really bad if he’s now getting the full blast of it.

I'll be with you este noche, but, in the meantime - I forgot to PS about this: "Your suggestion: “Dear Slinky, Sorry - what apology-where? You said you wanted to apologise but didn't refer to a single thing? Could you tell me what words and deeds specifically, on your part, that you're apologising for? That might help?” I think that might be a bit too direct, don’t you? It could easily spark another discussion – and that’s really not something I’m looking for." You could still use it. Diff is, if/when she comes back with the bullet-pointed list (yuh, right), you respond thus: ____________________________ Oh. No, it doesn't help. Ok - bye. ____________________________ Imagine.... (titter-snigger-chortle) Doubt you'd get another after that.

Heya! Click this plizzie, missy? https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13862/seeking-general-life-feedback#jumptobottom See you soon!

Very quick (I'm dripping!!) PS from last time, addressing Balance's comment about it: "I think Soulmate made a good point about the "cancer" bit. That was a little random." Not for a malig. Narc, it wasn't. (Altogether now...) Swat Narx Do. It's emotional blackmail: Slinky was trying to weaken CN's (by-then, obvious) resolve by making her suddenly consider losing Slinky ('cos you never know with life, blah-blah'). I call this one - "But, mon Cherie - don't forget Par-iiiis...". Usually. But Slinky obviously didn't - or couldn't be bothered to recall (doesn't want to have to WORK for her emotional slave) - any fond memory so (having her big-gun Hoover out) it was straight to fear and negativity: I COULD DIE AT ANY POINT AND THEN YOU'D REGRET IT?!. CN's non-response therefore spells: 'Frankly, my Dear, I don't GIVE a damn!'. Other variations include: I've just found out my Auntie's got Cancer. Or - I've found a lump. Angie did it to Den on Eastenders, to stop him from leaving her and filing for divorce. He swallowed it....and then regurgitated it 6 months or so later when he found out it was total ollocks and just Control parading as love and insecurity. Note the absence here of any mention of WHICH cancer or what SEVERITY? Nay! You've got to call/text them TO FIND OUT. 'Dangling the Carrot' (only, Slinky's was more a gun). (As yous were?)

Hey-hey! Gonna do you and then jump back in the pool to cool down and carry on after (so I don't die, lol...or melt-to-death haha!). "High humidity and heat really aren’t a good combination, especially when you’re getting bitten on top of it. It’s already pretty warm over here too. Last week we hit 35°C. Today it’s supposed to be 37°C. It’s way too hot, but at least the humidity isn’t too bad yet. Still, I’m just not made for that kind of weather… unless I’m lying in the shade on a beach or by the pool 😄" Yeah - Snap! I can't sunbathe out of water, either. With Spanish blood, you'd think I could. I've got Olive skin, for example, and tan super-quickly. But, nope. Shade or water or forget it. "Scuse the whinging...my throat's sore...coming down with something or fighting something off (so that's another irritant...been more ill more often here than I ever was in UK)." Oh no, that sucks. But honestly, in this kind of climate, germs really thrive. There’s a wave of illness going around here at the moment too. My fiancé came down with a nasty cold a few days ago. And now I’m fully sick too – caught the whole thing, full-on. So I’m really hoping I’ll feel at least a bit better by tomorrow… otherwise I’m definitely calling in sick. Work – or rather, the people there – are annoying me lately anyway, so a break wouldn’t hurt 😅" I think I nipped it in the bud, cheers. What did you catch? AH-HAH-HAH!!! I'm going to call Bal (Balance) over to see this. Let me asterisk it for him: I was JUST explaining that he's fast-approaching Zero Tolerance (a typical landmark of the very last lap of the (post-Narc-influence/abuse) Recovery Path). And SO ARE YOU - yesss! (giant thumbs-up) You and he have hit the exact same spot, look. :) ****************************************************** "Oh and who’s Fluffy, by the way? Sounds cute and… well, fluffy, obviously 😄" HAHA! - yes, VERY ...two coats - Norwegian Forest Cat - clearly abandoned, rather than Feral. Obviously had been traumatised, was VERY skittish, had to tame her veeeery slooowly and gradually, ...let her lead, basically. Eight whole months it took me to touch her. But it's made the bond deeper, because, now, she and I are 'snuggling' and rubbing foreheads (cat kisses) like we've been doing it forever. E.g. when I stroke her, I put sound effects with it to help her identify what kind of touch she's about to get. So I do a slow, quiet "wheeeeeee" sound as I start on her forehead - which means a long stroke all the way to her thigh, or a whispered "chicky-chicky" if I'm going to move from her forehead to her cheeks and chin. I basically narrate my every move. Trust is another word for Predictability, innit (...and Insane another word for Unpredictability, fyi). She doesn't want to come indoors, though. She's an Outdoor Cat breed. So no having to hoover up shedloads of cat hair pour moi! Perfect - best of both worlds. And as for her - she loves that I'm a Night Owl, up with her all night long (popping in and out with "num-nums" and "treats") and leaving her to sleep uninterrupted through the whole day to escape the heat. Oh, and another progress-step: tonight she followed me to watch me in the pool. So that's very exciting because I've read that "Wegies" love to swim, and that you can eve take them to the beach, which they love! How fan-beeping-tastic will that be if that's true! :)))))) I adore training/taming cats and birds- oh, yes, and I now have an open-sky aviary in my rear courtyard garden, featuring an ever-growing brood of local garden birds - sparrows, thrushes, etc., all the cute, tiny songbirds and their even cuter babies. The babies don't know to be cautious of me so they tap at the kitchen window if I'm late with their food, and fail to fly away as I put it out for them....(probably going to get poo-ed on soon...mmm, attractive...). But you should hear them all singing. Just - WOW. And because Fluffster's constantly, incredibly well-fed, she doesn't bother them, just sits and watches them play...which they have time for since they no longer have to find food (I feed them thrice-daily). It's truly amazing the transformation when animals don't have to hunt so suddenly have time on their hands.... Oh, boy, can they play! We're talking loop-the-loops and using branches to bounce up and down on, like toddlers at a playground! So funny. You realise they're actually a lot more human than you'd thought possible. Anyhoo... I'll stop myself there or I could go on for hours. Back to 'other animals'... ""It's a commitment, though. If you break the silence (even just with action), you destroy ALL of your progress and have to start again from scratch." What exactly do you mean by “actions” that could destroy all progress? Do you also mean passive actions – things I’m not doing directly towards her, but that still somehow relate to her or can get to her knowledge? Because if so… I might’ve already messed up." Not necessarily but let's see... "I actually met up last weekend with the friend who, according to Slinky, is “just an acquaintance” (the one who sadly wasn’t there when I got engaged)." The one Stinky-Slinky picked a fight with so as to exclude the threat of her in terms of keeping you Isolated from critical-thinkign truth-sayers, you mean. Got it. "We started off talking about concerts, and that’s how Slinky came up – I mentioned I couldn’t go see K.I.Z. live and had to sell my tickets. She asked why, and… well, I didn’t hold back at all. I told her everything." Okay? What's wrong with that, then? I mean - this woman isn't exactly Slinky's biggest fan, is she. "And honestly, it felt really good to share all of it again, especially with someone who at least vaguely knows Slinky." YES. I know what you mean. "She was shocked." There you go. "But now, looking back, I feel a little guilty that I talked about her like that and that she maybe will know that i did that. They really have no actual connection, but still I thought, “uh oh… what if this somehow gets back to her?” Nah. That's just you whittling because you shocked yourself with such honest spillage. This friend wouldn't have the faintest idea of how to open up such a conversation with Slinky. Is she even still TALKING to her after what Stinker did? "Is that the kind of “action” you meant?" No, because - even if it DID get back to Slink-Stink - it's clearly derogatory and denotes that as far as you're concerned, she is "an Ex-Parrot". So that, in fact, is USEFUL intel to spread. (Sorry, didn't realise you had this worry - feeling terrible for having had to stay away from all things that emit heat. Or did you eventually realise this yourself?) "Also... I told a colleague at work a bit of what happened and told her that I no longer have any contact, because she asked me about Slinky’s fiancé (he used to work with us). Since I have no contact with him anymore, she said she’d ask another coworker who still occasionally hangs out with him – maybe I’ll get a sense of how things are going between them these days, through that back channel." GOOD, then! - to both points. No, that was fine and canny of you. ...Yeah,...no worries....you just surprised yourself with your espionage skills, that's all, haha. Welcome to the New You. :D "Well - NO, actually. If you think about it, your sustained failure to respond says exactly that (in Actionese)." Yeah. So not replying it is." How's it been going since you typed this? "Whether it hobbles her or not remains to be seen. But it'll be enough to spark Narc Rage. Who's the next nearest? Answer: Fiance. See the slippery slope to self-ruin she's on?" Do you think she’ll reach out to me again or something?" Hard to say because of uncontrollable circumstances that may emerge but, going on 'all things remaining the same' - yes. Probably three times, a couple or 6 months apart... UNLESS she hears that above disdain talk via mutual friend and ex-colleague's wife - and then she won't. "I'm a bit worried about him. I’d feel really bad if he’s now getting the full blast of it." Why worry? If he needs bigger internal muscles then, what better gym equipment IS there? Anyway... you never know... If he finds he NEEDS help, maybe he'll be the one to contact you? He must know by now, surely? Whether she's spun him a narrative where you're the baddie (which, if she starts on him, he will re-examine and realise the lie) - or made herself out as YOUR victim - he must be aware you two are no longer friends/friendly? Anyway - by activity, I meant, directly to or in-front of her. E.g. Drunk-texting them during a grief-wave, or Liking something of theirs on Fakebook...turning-up at one of 'their' places (even just out of curiosity)... that sort of thing. NO WORRIES. What you did was perfectly clever and NOT enough to trigger her into some sort of 'get-in-there-first/better' Smear Campaign...and that's if it even GETS passed-on. I doubt it, so - what we're still left with is, 'Frankly, my Dear, I don't give a damn'. Tell me more about friend's shocked reaction and responses? What did she actually say? AND - did she REVEAL anything to you?

Hey 😊 “I think I nipped it in the bud, cheers.” Glad you managed to nip it in the bud! “What did you catch?” Luckily, it was just a short viral infection – nothing serious and not Covid, phew! It was gone after three/four days. I even managed to go to work… though honestly, I really would have loved an excuse to rest a bit. But hey – my vacation is finally on the horizon: only two more weeks to go! I think I can push through until then. “HAHA! - yes, VERY ...two coats - Norwegian Forest Cat - clearly abandoned, rather than Feral. Obviously had been traumatised, was VERY skittish, had to tame her veeeery slooowly and gradually, ...let her lead, basically. Eight whole months it took me to touch her. But it's made the bond deeper, because, now, she and I are 'snuggling' and rubbing foreheads (cat kisses) like we've been doing it forever. E.g. when I stroke her, I put sound effects with it to help her identify what kind of touch she's about to get. So I do a slow, quiet "wheeeeeee" sound as I start on her forehead - which means a long stroke all the way to her thigh, or a whispered "chicky-chicky" if I'm going to move from her forehead to her cheeks and chin. I basically narrate my every move. Trust is another word for Predictability, innit (...and Insane another word for Unpredictability, fyi).” So cute! I LOVE cats. It’s really cool that she’s starting to trust you now! Cats are so lovely once they like you – or realize you’re the automatic human feeder 😄 That association with sounds while stroking is honestly genius – and really thoughtful of you to do that! “She doesn't want to come indoors, though. She's an Outdoor Cat breed. So no having to hoover up shedloads of cat hair pour moi! Perfect - best of both worlds. And as for her - she loves that I'm a Night Owl, up with her all night long (popping in and out with "num-nums" and "treats") and leaving her to sleep uninterrupted through the whole day to escape the heat. Oh, and another progress-step: tonight she followed me to watch me in the pool. So that's very exciting because I've read that "Wegies" love to swim, and that you can eve take them to the beach, which they love! How fan-beeping-tastic will that be if that's true! :))))))” Aww that’s so cool!! I bet you two will start building some more sweet little “rituals” together :)) “I adore training/taming cats and birds- oh, yes, and I now have an open-sky aviary in my rear courtyard garden, featuring an ever-growing brood of local garden birds - sparrows, thrushes, etc., all the cute, tiny songbirds and their even cuter babies. The babies don't know to be cautious of me so they tap at the kitchen window if I'm late with their food, and fail to fly away as I put it out for them....(probably going to get poo-ed on soon...mmm, attractive...). But you should hear them all singing. Just - WOW. And because Fluffster's constantly, incredibly well-fed, she doesn't bother them, just sits and watches them play...which they have time for since they no longer have to find food (I feed them thrice-daily).” I also feed birds on my balcony! I have a little birdbath and always put out or hang up seeds for them. Especially in the winter months, I love sitting on the sofa with a good cup of tea and watching them :)) And somehow… I also have a “stray” cat at work 😄 She’s basically our clinic’s therapeutic worker cat – or at least that’s how some of us describe her when people ask. We call her “Heidi.” Her original owners live near the clinic, but once she started exploring our building regularly, they just stopped caring for her. One time she was injured, and one of my colleagues went over to their house – they said that Heidi hadn’t been home in ages and was always at the clinic, so they declared she wasn’t their cat anymore. So… we took her to the vet, collected money from the colleagues for the vet bills, and since then – she’s been our cat 🙂 She visits me every morning for cuddles and food. Sometimes she lies under my desk in a box I set up for her, with a little blanket inside. I also have a room where patients can rest between therapies – she sometimes keeps them company or naps at the window all day She even knows the routine! When I come in to tidy up and disinfect in that room, I’ll say: “Heidi, you’ve got five more minutes, then I have to close this room.” And she always meows back like, "Okay human, I’ll leave soon.” 😄 And everytime when I'm finished with cleaning she gets up, stretches her back with a biiiig yawn and walks out of the room, so i can close it. She has her favorite spots and humans in the clinic and chooses where she wants to be. If we haven’t seen her for a couple of days, we call each other to check if she’s been around – and of course, we share photos and videos when she’s being extra cute 😄 What I find especially sweet is how many of the patients love her, too. Sometimes when she’s doing her little rounds through the hallways, I’ll hear someone from down the corridor say things like: “Oh look, there’s Heidi!” or “Ah, here comes the clinic cat!” Every time that happens, it makes me smile. It’s like she’s part of the team – and part of the healing atmosphere. One of the absolute cutest moments was when I was sitting at my desk, and I heard a woman outside say, “Oh look, there was a cat!” I figured Heidi was probably on her way to reception again – but suddenly, she jumped up onto my lap and curled up into a little ball. It was the sweetest thing. I literally tried to time all my tasks that day so I wouldn’t have to get up for as long as possible 😄 Today she slept all day in the box under my desk, and I got a video where she dreams and snores, soo cute. “It's truly amazing the transformation when animals don't have to hunt so suddenly have time on their hands.... Oh, boy, can they play! We're talking loop-the-loops and using branches to bounce up and down on, like toddlers at a playground! So funny. You realise they're actually a lot more human than you'd thought possible.” That sounds absolutely adorable 😊 Animals bring so much joy and unconditional love into our lives. I can really picture how beautiful your life with them must be – it genuinely warms my heart just thinking about it. I’ve always been surrounded by animals, and since I lost my dog in 2021, I haven’t really felt ready for a new pet. But I think this year might finally be the time – I’m seriously considering getting a cat or two 🙂 “Anyhoo... I'll stop myself there or I could go on for hours.” hahaha same! “Back to 'other animals'... Alright then… “"But now, looking back, I feel a little guilty that I talked about her like that and that she maybe will know that i did that. They really have no actual connection, but still I thought, “uh oh… what if this somehow gets back to her?” Nah. That's just you whittling because you shocked yourself with such honest spillage. This friend wouldn't have the faintest idea of how to open up such a conversation with Slinky. Is she even still TALKING to her after what Stinker did?” Yeah, that’s probably exactly what happened – I just surprised myself with how open and honest I was at that moment. There’s really no reason to feel bad now. That friend has no connection to Slinky whatsoever. They’re not directly in touch and don’t share a social circle – I was the only link between them. Still, you never know how things travel. I live in a fairly small city/region where people tend to know each other. There are always connections you forget or don’t even realize exist. 😅 “"Is that the kind of “action” you meant?" No, because - even if it DID get back to Slink-Stink - it's clearly derogatory and denotes that as far as you're concerned, she is "an Ex-Parrot". So that, in fact, is USEFUL intel to spread.(Sorry, didn't realise you had this worry - feeling terrible for having had to stay away from all things that emit heat. Or did you eventually realise this yourself?)” Was kind of expecting a “Why are you talking about me?!” meltdown, but… radio silence so far, nothing’s happened, and I doubt it will.. I think I just spiraled into overthinking for a moment there. "Also... I told a colleague at work a bit of what happened and told her that I no longer have any contact, because she asked me about Slinky’s fiancé (he used to work with us). Since I have no contact with him anymore, she said she’d ask another coworker who still occasionally hangs out with him – maybe I’ll get a sense of how things are going between them these days, through that back channel." GOOD, then! - to both points. No, that was fine and canny of you. ...Yeah,...no worries....you just surprised yourself with your espionage skills, that's all, haha. Welcome to the New You. :D” Haha, it kinda feels like I’m becoming my old self again – just with a few upgrades 😀 "Well - NO, actually. If you think about it, your sustained failure to respond says exactly that (in Actionese)." Yeah. So not replying it is." How's it been going since you typed this?” Good, actually. I kept all boundaries in place – didn’t respond to her apology, deleted her number, and I genuinely feel at peace with that. Right now, I’m focusing on growing, find myself again, healing, and building something better for myself in general 🙂 “"I'm a bit worried about him. I’d feel really bad if he’s now getting the full blast of it." Why worry? If he needs bigger internal muscles then, what better gym equipment IS there? Anyway... you never know... If he finds he NEEDS help, maybe he'll be the one to contact you? He must know by now, surely? Whether she's spun him a narrative where you're the baddie (which, if she starts on him, he will re-examine and realise the lie) - or made herself out as YOUR victim - he must be aware you two are no longer friends/friendly?” Yeah, maybe he will. We were never super close, but maybe he’ll start thinking about things if he’s affected the way I imagine. “Anyway - by activity, I meant, directly to or in-front of her. E.g. Drunk-texting them during a grief-wave, or Liking something of theirs on Fakebook...turning-up at one of 'their' places (even just out of curiosity)... that sort of thing.” Can’t happen – I’ve cut all connections. Even on Spotify 😄 And I don’t usually go to places where she might be anyway. “Tell me more about friend's shocked reaction and responses? What did she actually say? AND - did she REVEAL anything to you?” Well, she – let’s call her M. – was genuinely shocked that I had been trying to hold onto that friendship for such a long time. She had no idea that Slinky’s behavior had been a recurring thing and was really taken aback by the things I told her. She said she thinks Slinky basically kept ripping my heart out and stomping on it – and that maybe, one day, Slinky will realize what she lost. When I showed her the Reddit post (which M. hadn’t known about at all) that Slinky wrote about the proposal situation, she once again helped clear up the actual events, confirmed a few things – and was shocked that Slinky had even posted something like that, especially filled with lies. She also called Slinky a drama queen and told me more about what had gone on behind the scenes. Apparently, M. and my fiancé had planned to get a helium tank, balloons, and some sparkling wine to decorate the proposal spot and celebrate afterwards. Her idea was to buy everything and bring it along without me noticing, so the surprise wouldn’t be spoiled. She was coordinating with my fiancé and when she brought up the idea, he was totally on board. M. then messaged Slinky to involve her too, since Slinky had previously said she wanted to be part of it if there were any new plans. But ironically, Slinky was the one who said the helium tank and balloons were too expensive and that she didn’t want to spend money on them – it would’ve been 30€. (And just to be clear: I never expected anyone to pay for anything for my proposal. My fiancé had of course offered to cover it, and if needed, I would’ve paid for it myself. Apart from that money was always a big topic for Slinky. I’ve never been the type to ask for money back when I pick up the tab at a restaurant – to me, that’s just something friends do sometimes for each other. But Slinky was always extremely calculated – even when it came to small amounts. I remember one time we ordered food and ended up miscalculating, so she “owed” me five euros. Since she was always so petty about money, I decided to ask for it back that time – and she actually said: “Wow, you really want a five back? Should I give you those three cents from last time too?” …so I ended up being the one who looked like the petty one) M. then just said, “Alright, I’ll take care of it myself.” A day later, Slinky messaged her saying she’d be in town and could “look for the stuff so M. wouldn’t have to.” When M. asked a few days later if she had found anything, Slinky said she had, but that she also wanted to check another shop to see if she could find something cheaper. She said she would take care of it in time before they were planning to leave and that she’d send pictures of everything she found so M. and my fiancé could take a look. And then, just two hours before they were supposed to leave, Slinky told M. she wouldn’t pick her up from home – saying the drive would be 30–45 minutes and she didn’t want to do it. Later, M. and my fiancé checked the route – and it wouldn’t have been a detour at all. Her excuse was that her car is leased and she didn’t want to use up extra kilometers. She also claimed they couldn’t take her fiancé’s car because it was nearly broken and they didn’t want to risk a two-hour drive. Guess which car they ended up using? Yup – her fiancé’s. In the end, Slinky brought regular balloons and a bottle of sparkling wine (which is totally fine of course!) The gesture still meant a lot to me – especially that they had worked it out in a way that I wouldn’t get suspicious (like wondering why there were suddenly balloons or a bottle of sparkling wine in our bags on a “camping trip”). The very next day, Slinky messaged my fiancé saying she had spent 50€ on everything and wanted the money back. Of course, he sent it to her. And that alone says a lot about her, doesn’t it? So M. once again told me she was genuinely sad she couldn’t be there for the proposal and that she simply didn’t have enough time to come up with a Plan B. She also said that if it had been her, she would’ve just paid for it as a gift – and that she finds it pretty messed up to ask for money back from friends in general. She’s on the same page as I am: in a friendship, it naturally balances out over time if one person pays for something and the other picks up the tab another time. Also, before that evening, M. and I hadn’t been especially close – our connection was mostly through my fiancé, and we’d only ever hung out as a group of three. But since that night, we’ve finally started meeting up one-on-one – and I feel like something has shifted. I think there’s a real chance of building something new and healthy between us. And I think I’m finally starting to surround myself with the kind of people who match the person I am and I’m becoming.

I just need to give a quick update: I was at a local festival in my town today and randomly ran into my old girls from way back. They were my best friends from when I was around 12 to 15, but we lost touch when things got really bad with my mom and I changed schools, and life just kind of pulled us in different directions. But this was one of those encounters that felt like home. We immediately clicked again, as if there hadn’t been nearly 20 years of no contact in between 😅 Somehow, I seem to run into the group—or at least one of them—about once a year at some event in our town. We always chat for a bit, and every time I tell myself I’ll message them afterwards and suggest we hang out again… but I always end up getting in my own way. I’m so afraid of getting hurt or being rejected by them, because they really do mean something to me. I think about those times often—about how it felt to be with them back then. I’ve now made a promise to myself to text one of them in the next few days to finally plan a meet-up… maybe even rebuild something more regular from there. I’m writing this with a decent amount of wine in my system, so I hope I’m making some sense 😅 But honestly, I really believe this was another strong sign that I should try and reconnect.

PRAISE DEE LAWD - IT THUNDERSTORMED AND CHUNDERED DOWN ALL YESTERDAY AND LAST NIGHT - I CAN BREEEEAAATHE AGAIN! :D Still need my two fans on, though. However, they're FAR cheaper than icky air-con. Catch-up Time!... "But hey – my vacation is finally on the horizon: only two more weeks to go! I think I can push through until then." Remind me again (if you told me?) where you're going? "So cute! I LOVE cats. It’s really cool that she’s starting to trust you now! Cats are so lovely once they like you – or realize you’re the automatic human feeder 😄 That association with sounds while stroking is honestly genius – and really thoughtful of you to do that!" Well, I grew up with cats, plus the lady owner of the house next door ran a really lovely Cattery (I'd pop over daily to help), plus have gorged on cat psychology, so I know how they work. But even if I hadn't - I just seem to 'get' them and they, me, since I was a baby. And as a toddler, I'd follow my cats on their walks, crawling through bushes and climbing trees, haha!- It's not dissimilar to when you 'make the spoon a train/motorcar' when feeding a toddler, or say, 'Heeere comes the tickle monster!' (- i.e. your hand) before you tickle them. Fair warning plus creating a sense of excited anticipation, haha. Or, bigging your actions up, hahahahaha! Agree! It's pretty magical when you reach that almost imperceptibly-culminative point where they decide you're 'Friend' to point of, won't ever be 'Foe'. Indeed - it's like they suddenly blossom and show their distinct personalities (they're all very individual), including their sense of mischief and humour. Automatic feeder, haha! But, for cats, *especially* ones that've up til then had a really-REALLY hard life, anyone feeding them regularly and reliably speaks volumes to a cat. It's how THEY show love. (So from that, they can tell kind, loving and nurturing people from stinkers.) So yes, they do love you for always feeding them, but it is a genuine bond, not just "cupboard love". That's why when they want to say thanks, one of the main ways is to leave a dead mouse or bird on the floor for you....feeding you. So I guess in Cat World, providing them food as saves them from having to bust a gut to catch prey (which is usually piddly, like, a tiny mouse), along with touching and speaking softly and lovingly to them, is the human equivalent of presenting them with an engagement ring, LOL. Haha, reminds me of a funny meme: Woman on the phone, saying to the person at the other end: 'No, I CAN'T come to your dog's wedding, freak! It's my cat's birthday party that weekend!' :D It's one of those spiritually enriching things you can't imagine until you're IN that situation. You can so - obviously you've had a cat before? "I also feed birds on my balcony!" Oh, wow - great coincidence! And GOOD ON YA! (Are you per chance a secret Hippy?) "I have a little birdbath and always put out or hang up seeds for them." Ahhhh! I don't have a birdbath, I wash-up and use those supermarket plastic trays that Chicken pieces come in, as watering bowls placed around and about. "Especially in the winter months, I love sitting on the sofa with a good cup of tea and watching them :))" BIRD-WATCHING HIGH-FIVE! :)))) "And somehow… I also have a “stray” cat at work 😄" Ah-haaah! How lovely - at work! Must make Monday mornings more bearable? "She’s basically our clinic’s therapeutic worker cat – or at least that’s how some of us describe her when people ask." Haha! Great excuse! Makes you lot sound really advanced and sophisticated! "We call her “Heidi.”" Because she hides a lot? (groan) "Her original owners live near the clinic, but once she started exploring our building regularly, they just stopped caring for her." What? What's WRONG with these people!?! You sure it was that way around? Have a little think... But I bet it wasn't. "One time she was injured, and one of my colleagues went over to their house – they said that Heidi hadn’t been home in ages and was always at the clinic, so they declared she wasn’t their cat anymore." Rrrrriiiiiiiight? They sound absolutely HORRID. Bet Heidi's over-the-moon that you lot adopted her! So actually, you've rescued an abused (Neglected/Abandoned) cat too! (Insert "The Twilight Zone" theme music) "So… we took her to the vet, collected money from the colleagues for the vet bills, and since then – she’s been our cat 🙂 She visits me every morning for cuddles and food. Sometimes she lies under my desk in a box I set up for her, with a little blanket inside. I also have a room where patients can rest between therapies – she sometimes keeps them company or naps at the window all day" Oh, BLESS! So you're her favourite, then? Sounds like it? Oh, sweeeet! (little box) And - bloody good idea! Yeah, I think they're the most therapeutic pet out! Probably makes the clinic feel more homely, too. In which case - it's not 'LIKE' she's a member of the therapeutic team; she *IS*. What breed is she - do you know? And what's her colouring? Long or short-haired? And are you going home covered in cat hair? :D ...proof of you (emotionally) cheating on your Fiance..., like an eq1uivalent to lipstick on a bloke's collar, hahahaha! "I literally tried to time all my tasks that day so I wouldn’t have to get up for as long as possible 😄" Admit it - she's your 'baby'! :D PS: "I can really picture how beautiful your life with them must be – it genuinely warms my heart just thinking about it." Backatcha re. Heidi! Shame we can't bore everyone else here to-tears by swapping endless snaps and vids, isn't it, haha. What do you tend to feed to the birds? _______________________________________________________________ "“Back to 'other animals'... Alright then…" I knowww...it's more satisfying to talk about our balls of fluff...Dammnit... “"But now, looking back, I feel a little guilty that I talked about her like that and that she maybe will know that i did that. They really have no actual connection, but still I thought, “uh oh… what if this somehow gets back to her?” Nah. That's just you whittling because you shocked yourself with such honest spillage. This friend wouldn't have the faintest idea of how to open up such a conversation with Slinky. Is she even still TALKING to her after what Stinker did?” Yeah, that’s probably exactly what happened – I just surprised myself with how open and honest I was at that moment. There’s really no reason to feel bad now. That friend has no connection to Slinky whatsoever. They’re not directly in touch and don’t share a social circle – I was the only link between them."" CN, I *really* don't think you need to worry about making wrong moves. Your instincts are spot-on. You know when and how to do things - a la the Fun Boy Three/Bananarama hit, 'It's not what you do (it's the way that you do it)'. It's the WAY you - *you* - do things. You probably don't realise you're thinking it all through at the speed of light *beforehand*, probably feels improvised or impulsive. But the method in your madness is obvious to me (because I'm the same, plus it's the way it pans out and the way the results speak for themselves)'. No Pain - No Gain. And you've had a LIFETIME of pain (and intense thinking to-match). "Still, you never know how things travel. I live in a fairly small city/region where people tend to know each other. There are always connections you forget or don’t even realize exist. 😅" Yeah, well - you still managed to get in there first (which removes her scope to Slander Campaign)....which, FYI, is the hallmark of a SuperNova Empath, which means, you are nobody's victim and, once you decide, the shutters automatically come down, and deadbolts bolt, meaning, there's no going back for the antagonist. You telling 'mutual' friend was you burning her bridge back to you. Not that they can't traverse a burnt bridge. But their sick pride couldn't take it so they'd have to be VERY desperate for a victim to try. Seriously, once they know you see through them - you then become a danger TO THEM and they can't get away from you fast enough! So IN FACT, you're doing BOTH Zero Contact *and* Cornering Her at the same time! You don't do anything by halves, do you, haha. No, I think you've been handling this brilliantly. After all - the Ideal of Zero Contact is for those without your level of resourceful and creative thinking (customisation), and, often, is just that - an ideal. E.g. you can block them but all they'll do if they're hell-bent on reaching you is find another route or change their mobile number/get a second phone so you don't realise it's them and pick up (and just hearing their voice, you can be 'done for'...it's a Traumatic Bond, i.e. super-deep in record time, basically brainwashing....To be unaffected one would basically have to not have a heart...so they're not the ones Narcs target...innit). Oh, and thank-you again for being strong and selfless enough to be answering newbies' posts despite your grief....that's pretty rare. :) (And - yeah, seems one of them suddenly fell off her typing chair, haha! Might be a really miniscule person, for whom it took weeks to climb UP and onto the chair to begin with, and then had to type using the rubber end of a pencil like a mallet (bash-bash-bash!), whom lost balance and - wheeeee, splat!, haha. ....orrr they were drunk and keeled over? ....or, they suddenly realised they'd won the Lottery, and gone, 'sod THIS - I'm off to Hawaii!'? Don't know, but we get those unfinished symphonies a lot. That and failure to give those who've advised any closure (booo, hiss!).) “"Is that the kind of “action” you meant?" No, because - even if it DID get back to Slink-Stink - it's clearly derogatory and denotes that as far as you're concerned, she is "an Ex-Parrot". So that, in fact, is USEFUL intel to spread.(Sorry, didn't realise you had this worry - feeling terrible for having had to stay away from all things that emit heat. Or did you eventually realise this yourself?)” Was kind of expecting a “Why are you talking about me?!” meltdown, but… radio silence so far, nothing’s happened, and I doubt it will.. I think I just spiraled into overthinking for a moment there." Yeah, like I said - you just shocked yourself for the uncharacteristic, semi-sleepwalking move there. ""Also... I told a colleague at work a bit of what happened and told her that I no longer have any contact, because she asked me about Slinky’s fiancé (he used to work with us). Since I have no contact with him anymore, she said she’d ask another coworker who still occasionally hangs out with him – maybe I’ll get a sense of how things are going between them these days, through that back channel." GOOD, then! - to both points. No, that was fine and canny of you. ...Yeah,...no worries....you just surprised yourself with your espionage skills, that's all, haha. Welcome to the New You. :D” Haha, it kinda feels like I’m becoming my old self again – just with a few upgrades 😀"" It feels like it because - that's EXACTLY what's happening! (We call it, 'The B*tch is back!' :D) (means overtly cunning and sassy). ""Well - NO, actually. If you think about it, your sustained failure to respond says exactly that (in Actionese)." Yeah. So not replying it is." How's it been going since you typed this?” "Good, actually. I kept all boundaries in place – didn’t respond to her apology, deleted her number, and I genuinely feel at peace with that." EXCELLENT. "Right now, I’m focusing on growing, find myself again, healing, and building something better for myself in general 🙂" You don't have to. It happens *without* your help. You just keep breathing. WITHOUT HER (or anyone else toxic) mucking-up your system whilst syphoning off your life-force. Those contrived arguments/ambush attacks, you see, knacker us, but ENERGIZE as well as purge them of their (constant) build-up of negativity (and is their only way - same as toddlers and young kids who've not developed emotional-self-regulation capabilities). That's why all Narcs, no matter any co-morbidity (e.g. Paranoid PD or Borderline PD), get called Emotional Vampires. Blood drained - Psyche worn-down - same result. Loss (by whatever degree over too sustained or too intense a period) of the will to live (or at best - to care about anything any more or ever again....a walking shadow of your former self, lacking even the will and energy to lick a ruddy stamp, let alone comb your hair each morning). “"I'm a bit worried about him. I’d feel really bad if he’s now getting the full blast of it." Why worry? If he needs bigger internal muscles then, what better gym equipment IS there? Anyway... you never know... If he finds he NEEDS help, maybe he'll be the one to contact you? He must know by now, surely? Whether she's spun him a narrative where you're the baddie (which, if she starts on him, he will re-examine and realise the lie) - or made herself out as YOUR victim - he must be aware you two are no longer friends/friendly?” Yeah, maybe he will. We were never super close, but maybe he’ll start thinking about things if he’s affected the way I imagine.") You don't need to have been super-close. You'd just be the obvious Safe Person to get help/advise/support from. And being co-victims is instantly bonding anyway (which is WHY Narcs approach you as one...tummy seemingly exposed). "“Anyway - by activity, I meant, directly to or in-front of her. E.g. Drunk-texting them during a grief-wave, or Liking something of theirs on Fakebook...turning-up at one of 'their' places (even just out of curiosity)... that sort of thing.” Can’t happen – I’ve cut all connections. Even on Spotify 😄 And I don’t usually go to places where she might be anyway."" Good stuff. And your personal email? "“Tell me more about friend's shocked reaction and responses? What did she actually say? AND - did she REVEAL anything to you?” Well, she – let’s call her M."" (M for MeNoLikeSlinkyEither) "...– was genuinely shocked that I had been trying to hold onto that friendship for such a long time. She had no idea that Slinky’s behavior had been a recurring thing and was really taken aback by the things I told her. ***She said she thinks Slinky basically kept ripping my heart out and stomping on it"*** SHE ain't gonna tell Slinky anything, then. (Good.) "– and that maybe, one day, Slinky will realize what she lost." Nah. They don't DO Self-Reflecting and Realising. Might see their crippled selves in that mirror and suffer a nervous breakdown (and have to be rebuilt over decades) or enter a rage that (they fear) will never stop and will consume them. The further they get from their early 20s, the harder it becomes to stop and change their ways. She is too old to suddenly develop that kind of self-awareness or change such conditioned-in mis-beliefs and attitudes. She'd have to go down the pan to finally ask for (demand!) professional help. "When I showed her the Reddit post (which M. hadn’t known about at all) that Slinky wrote about the proposal situation, she once again helped clear up the actual events, confirmed a few things – and was shocked that Slinky had even posted something like that, especially filled with lies." Which - I imagine - seeing how shocked and appalled SHE was, just brought home the rest of the weight of it all to you, yes? (That's why I don't read ahead; I need to imagine myself as 'you' and feel your shock almost first-hand, etc. The shock/revulsion level is the measuring stick, I find.) "She also called Slinky a drama queen" Insightful lady! "and told me more about what had gone on behind the scenes." Excellent! (You going to start seeing her as a friend or wait until you're sure she too has cut Slinky out?) "Apparently, M. and my fiancé had planned to get a helium tank, balloons, and some sparkling wine to decorate the proposal spot and celebrate afterwards. Her idea was to buy everything and bring it along without me noticing, so the surprise wouldn’t be spoiled. She was coordinating with my fiancé and when she brought up the idea, he was totally on board. M. then messaged Slinky to involve her too, since Slinky had previously said she wanted to be part of it if there were any new plans. But ironically, Slinky was the one who said the helium tank and balloons were too expensive and that she didn’t want to spend money on them" Uh....!?! " – it would’ve been 30€." For her "bestest friend" and her main, major life event? A piddly 30 dollars was too much? Oh - soooooo like a Covert/Covert-Vulnerable. They are SO...MINGEY! ...and simultaneously greedy... that you feel embarrassed FOR them! "(And just to be clear: I never expected anyone to pay for anything for my proposal." Yah! But you don't NEED to have expected. 'Shoot first and (not even) ask questions after', right? They love to misinterpret misassume (through their bitter, poisonous, persecution-complexed lenses) and then run at the speed of lightning to the hilt with that misassumption. Again, that way they wear you out in record time AND get a 'great excuse' to puke their 'issue froth' (which 24/7 self-replenishes) all over you (aka punch a hole in your fence and then go, oh sorreee, as if a fake sorry is somehow going to fill and strengthen the hole). The point is the damaging-you and shrinking-you bit. "My fiancé had of course offered to cover it, and if needed, I would’ve paid for it myself. Apart from that money was always a big topic for Slinky." Yeah, but she's going to one day find out that banknotes don't hold your hand on your deathbed. "I’ve never been the type to ask for money back when I pick up the tab at a restaurant – to me, that’s just something friends do sometimes for each other." Snap. It's a Because I Appreciate You pressie, isn't it. Like a bouquet of flowers (but tastier haha). "But Slinky was always extremely calculated – even when it came to small amounts." Yes, I saw ("then just pay the 14 dollars difference, mehh-mehhh"). You or I would at the very worst have said, 'And never mind about the 14 dollars difference'. That did indeed fly out at me, yes. "I remember one time we ordered food and ended up miscalculating, so she “owed” me five euros. Since she was always so petty about money, I decided to ask for it back that time – and she actually said: “Wow, you really want a five back? Should I give you those three cents from last time too?” …so I ended up being the one who looked like the petty one)" The famous Narc hypocrisy, aka, 'one rule for them, but another for you', aka 'don't do as I do, just do as I say', aka 'but I'm special' or 'yeah but this is different'. (I could go on.) "M. then just said, “Alright, I’ll take care of it myself.” A day later, Slinky messaged her saying she’d be in town and could “look for the stuff so M. wouldn’t have to.” (I think I know what's coming...) "When M. asked a few days later if she had found anything, Slinky said she had, but that she also wanted to check another shop to see if she could find something cheaper." (oh ffs) "She said she would take care of it in time before they were planning to leave and that she’d send pictures of everything she found so M. and my fiancé could take a look." Uh-huh.... "And then, just two hours before they were supposed to leave, Slinky told M. she wouldn’t pick her up from home – saying the drive would be 30–45 minutes and she didn’t want to do it." Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooh.............gimmie the gun.... "Later, M. and my fiancé checked the route – and it wouldn’t have been a detour at all. Her excuse was that her car is leased and she didn’t want to use up extra kilometers." Her LIE. "She also claimed they couldn’t take her fiancé’s car because it was nearly broken and they didn’t want to risk a two-hour drive. Guess which car they ended up using? Yup – her fiancé’s." Phooooooooooooooooooooooooo (gun!). And did you get to confront her over this? "In the end, Slinky brought regular balloons and a bottle of sparkling wine (which is totally fine of course!)" (It feckin' isn't) "The gesture still meant a lot to me – especially that they had worked it out in a way that I wouldn’t get suspicious (like wondering why there were suddenly balloons or a bottle of sparkling wine in our bags on a “camping trip”)." Well, I admire your positivity and grace, but - (GUUUUUN!!!) "The very next day, Slinky messaged my fiancé saying she had spent 50€ on everything and wanted the money back. Of course, he sent it to her. And that alone says a lot about her, doesn’t it?" (Make it an Uzi) The woman sounds all-round pretty repulsive to me. WORSE than your bog-standard a*sehole. UGH. ""So M. once again told me she was genuinely sad she couldn’t be there for the proposal and that she simply didn’t have enough time to come up with a Plan B." Slinky is actually Heinous. "She also said that if it had been her, she would’ve just paid for it as a gift – and that she finds it pretty messed up to ask for money back from friends in general." I AM SERIOUSLY LIKING THIS WOMAN. "She’s on the same page as I am: in a friendship, it naturally balances out over time if one person pays for something and the other picks up the tab another time." Exactly. We DO keep score, but outside of our consciousness. If it comes into your consciousness, aka gets brought to your attention, it means the scoreboard is wholly unequal and has been for a good while already (because your inner animal allows enough time for things to, as you say, work out Even). It shouldn't happen, IOW. "Also, before that evening, M. and I hadn’t been especially close – our connection was mostly through my fiancé, and we’d only ever hung out as a group of three. But since that night, we’ve finally started meeting up one-on-one – and I feel like something has shifted. I think there’s a real chance of building something new and healthy between us." Oh, fan-ucking-TASTIC news! And that's answered my question/suggestion. Maybe you'll be raising a glass to the fact of Slinky sooner than usual? Sounds like it? "And I think I’m finally starting to surround myself with the kind of people who match the person I am and I’m becoming." Yeah, you are. BECAAAAAAUSE..... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZP9lM3bs4Y ...which itself is because you're a very hard-working soul. :) PS: With your physical and emotional energy tanks (which will have expanded due to this period) getting a chance to replenish (finally), you'll also start to find your mum's moods increasingly less upsetting and easier to handle. Excellent. ______________________________ (Second post) "I just need to give a quick update: I was at a local festival in my town today and randomly ran into my old girls from way back. They were my best friends from when I was around 12 to 15, but we lost touch when things got really bad with my mom and I changed schools, and life just kind of pulled us in different directions. But this was one of those encounters that felt like home. We immediately clicked again, as if there hadn’t been nearly 20 years of no contact in between 😅 Somehow, I seem to run into the group—or at least one of them—about once a year at some event in our town. We always chat for a bit, and every time I tell myself I’ll message them afterwards and suggest we hang out again… but I always end up getting in my own way. I’m so afraid of getting hurt or being rejected by them, because they really do mean something to me. I think about those times often—about how it felt to be with them back then. I’ve now made a promise to myself to text one of them in the next few days to finally plan a meet-up… maybe even rebuild something more regular from there." Excellent again. BUT...don't rush yourself. If you're wary, that's a sign it's a bit too soon to get close enough TO be hurtable/rejectable (even just potentially), and that you should take things a bit slower (except for M - *IF* you can see proof she's finished with Slinky for-good). "I’m writing this with a decent amount of wine in my system, so I hope I’m making some sense 😅" What? (HAHA!) "But honestly, I really believe this was another strong sign that I should try and reconnect." Ya think? :D In fact, it's less a sign and more a 10ft neon light shoved into your face, haha. But make the reunion in, say, a month's time. You need more time to just enjoy the peace - so that you'll properly re-adapt to it which will re-set your standards and expectations for Incoming (...I mean - if feeling grateful or even just appreciative for bog-standard balloons and cheap wine is what she reduced you to - OR what you came to her with? - then - nuff said! That balloons/plonk/lift let-down incident was technically yet another Dealbreaker (especially after everything that'd gone before), meaning, you...were grateful...for (all things and relationship nature considered)...an *insult*...a ruddy great slap in the face. Have another, longer, drinkipoos and thinkipoos.) I'm going to have to go for a swim now. The effects of the rain have quickly worn off now the sun's come back out, so it's steaming-hot again. Be back on again soon. Very, very positive developments, though. Really nice to read. Am grinning from here. :) PS: What with the rapid speed of your recovery - I'll bet you anything you like, you'll soon enough start to hear through M (or others that finally find the bravery to come forward/come out of their hiding places) that Iona V. Slinky is starting, perceptibly, to slide DOWNWARDS. They may not get with us for the right, normal, healthy reasons, but, still... Never underestimate the size of the gap you leave nor how much they - AND ONLY THEY - needed *you* (to pass themselves off as normal, for one), and your needing them, just an over-convincing illusion they created. So now do you appreciate what I said about the 'bad-smelling narc slime' effect? You're probably smiling more, to-boot - yes? Bit Laters!

Here - go read Lily31's thread ("Parents Split Up" - most recent post by Lils about how her friend's sister tried (melodramatically) to sabotage their friendship as well as ruin the friend's day (and sod Lily - it was supposed to be her Hen Do of all things!), using friend's ex-partner as her tool (her great excuse to cause a long-lasting scene). See the parallel with your party.

This is a very good angle of explanation, btw...made me think of you / Slinky. (Made a big gap there so you wouldn't have to 'sit' next to her, haha!). From Quora: Robert Torbay · Follow Upvoted by Bobbi Dietrick-Hehlke , MA Psychology & Behavioral Sciences, Ashford University (2019) and The Happy Philosopher , MFA Psychology & Philosophy (2007)3y Who are narcissists afraid of? Originally Answered: Who are narcissists afraid of? Can you recall a time, perhaps as a child, where someone was yelling at you, berating you, and you wept tears of terrible anguish. You felt trapped as someone tore your sense of self away with their words, you felt full of the most soul destroying feelings of worthlessness. This is the state the narcissist desires to reduce you to, they always have, from the very first moment they met you. They saw in you someone who was cheerful, but had weaknesses the narcissist knew they could exploit. An easy beat. ((Your 'weakness' was being overloaded and overwrought thus constantly distracted, enough that Slinky could tell would enable her to transgress and get away with it. And if they get away with something once, suddenly it becomes their right to do (cuckoo!) AND to increase in magnitude each subsequent occasion). I.e. the victim failing to complain and erect a No Tresspassing sign in-reaction, to the Narc, means - 'Sure, go ahead, knock yerself out! In fact, why stop there?'. Accidental Enabling...but then, the Narc never does need a proper, genuine Green light as they'll just fake being Colour-Blind. We Brits call it, 'Give them an inch and they'll take a mile'.)) "Unwilling to put in the effort to build self esteem (by doing things one respects) the narcissist has chosen a life of crime instead. They gain self worth by collapsing the self worth of others. If your happiness can be collapsed, it wasn't real, and validates the narcissist's lifestyle — they're exposing phonies for the common good. They knew they could smash you to bits on behalf of everybody else, you absolute phony, you total liar, and being proven right makes them feel good, for a while. ((Also, they're Pathologically Envious because you have the healthy tools for attaining contentment all the way to joy, and to attract good things via your sunny, positive, hard-working, can-do nature posing as your "Goes Around"...the seeds you sow, GROW (theirs don't/can't - google "Narc - The Reverse-Midas Touch". So, being seethingly jealous to point of hhhhhhhating you - they try to 'wipe that smug grin off your face'. IOW, your happiness could be fake or genuine - the point is, you're happier than them when their whole point of their modus operandum is to be happier than 'all the wet saps' out there, *without having to be vulnerable* (which isn't even possible, because it's vital to r/ship success to be).....it's all upside-down, topsy-turvy, sick and senseless (self-, relationship-, AND Other-sabotaging).......just like you'd expect of a disturbed, ignorant, cluelss, seething, spiteful toddler-with-a-machine-gun.)) This is the truth psychologists dare not tell you, for it would be the end of their industry of coddling evildoers. ((Speak for yerself, luv! You can only truthfully say, SOME psychologists (fake, Narc ones, of course...because they hunt for prey anywhere wherever decent people - pref. Empaths - are to be found, and that includes the medical and therapeutic industries).)) The narcissist wanted to slowly remove your escape avenues, pin you in the corner and then pound on you until you broke down and wept from the unbearable shame. By extinguishing your light, their ever guttering candle appears radiant in comparison. ((They also want to drag you and your moral standards down to their level...e.g. might try to encourage you to shoplift or be otherwise uncharacteristically dishonest/obnoxious/risk-taking, which is for removing your future right to complain about their bad behaviour by your no longer being or feeling qualified to 'cast the first stone' aka to 'have a leg to (make a) stand on'.)) What narcissists are afraid of are cunning fighters, what the narcissist hates is people who like fighting smart, Those who do not shy away from a fight. Not appologists, enablers or psychologists, but people prepared to meet the narcissists constant low grade aggression with a much higher energy charm offensive. The narcissist fears: People who get knocked down but leap up cheerfully (narcissists are eternally salty at their own losses) People who always look for the advantages of a situation, who turn supposed failure into success (a narcissist without a victim story is like a rat without teeth) Those who have incredible endurance (narcissists give up easily) Those who have a high Fight IQ — who learn from the narcissists small victories, train, and create effective strategies to push back against the narcissist (narcissists would rather always do things their way, so never put enough effort into strategy). Narcissists fear those people who can, and will cheerfully defeat them time and time again, who will effortlessly overturn their aggression, who predict the narcissists attacks, causing them to flail at open air, who learn and implement new strategies to defeat them. If you are able to keep up a high level of passive aggression, you begin to cause wounds to open up all over the narcissist's diseased energy body. The narcissist is like a boxer who leads with the nose, their greatest fears they will attempt to incarnate in your body, become realised in your life. You absolute surrogate, you complete and utter scape goat you. As you joyously give battle, taking both losses and eventually more often the win, the narcissist begins to feel the deep shame and worthlessness that they constantly try to foist on you and anyone else succeptible, and it starts to consume them instead. As the old saying goes, if you give a gift to someone but they refuse it, who is stuck with the gift?" ______________________________________________________________________________________________________ Really like the way he puts all of that - do you? And can you spot yourself listed and described in the types of people the narc fears and hates? (I can. And myself as well.) Out-Narcing the Narc....including, being a far bigger headache for them than they are for you. IOW, make it impossible for them to feel superior or even equal to you. Obviously, you CAN just Walk Away, ...but then how are you going to learn how to successfully avoid/outmanoeuvre/battle "a problematic personality" - which you NEED because there are 'everywhere'. She won't be the last Narc you'll have to deal with, not by a long chalk. They'll be everywhere you go in your life. But you'll get quicker and quicker at recognising and then avoiding or dealing with them (- Warner Cartoon-style kick over the distant hill - wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh.....splat/puff of cartoon dust)...., eventually to the point where you spot them from 10 paces and have only to look at them for them to tell you see right through them already (dangerous victim alert!), especially if you're the expressive type whose face comes with Subtitles, haha.)

(Oops - forgot the link - sorry, Quora!) https://www.quora.com/What-type-of-people-do-narcissists-fear (Also - the gap I put between you and she, shrank to just one extra space! It was originally almost a page-width.)

Psst! AlisBoy has responded to you: https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13933/i-feel-like-i-might-be-crazy-but-i-need-help. :)

Hey :) I’ll reply to everything in the next few days, by the weekend at the latest :) “Psst! AlisBoy has responded to you.” Thanks for the heads-up! I hadn’t even seen that – for some weird reason, the notification emails still keep ending up in my spam folder 😅 Laters!

“PRAISE DEE LAWD - IT THUNDERSTORMED AND CHUNDERED DOWN ALL YESTERDAY AND LAST NIGHT - I CAN BREEEEAAATHE AGAIN! :D” Same here, we had about 21-26°C the past few days and some good rain 😊 The one rain while I was cycling home from work could have waited until I was home… I was completely soaked when I arrived ☹️ Today, it’s 30°C again and pretty cloudy and stuffy. "But hey – my vacation is finally on the horizon: only two more weeks to go! I think I can push through until then." Remind me again (if you told me?) where you're going?” I don’t think I’ve told you yet. We’re going to our favorite city on the North Sea, Cuxhaven :) We’ve been going there every year for vacation for the past 3-4 years :) This time, we’ve planned a bike tour along the coast and want to go to Helgoland for a day trip. We also want to watch the sunrise at the Kugelbake, which is one of the famous landmarks in Cuxhaven. I also want to look at the sky on the beach with my binoculars because there is very little light pollution (I’m hoping for clear skies—sadly, I can’t bring my telescope, it’s too much luggage since we’re traveling by train). The rest of the week, we’ll be watching cargo ships with our binoculars while chilling in a beach basket, drinking some cocktails and beer, and of course, we’ll go to our favorite restaurants there :D Oh, and I want to visit the town hall to get information about beach weddings (aaaahhhh, that would be soooo cool if we could get married there). “Well, I grew up with cats, plus the lady owner of the house next door ran a really lovely Cattery (I'd pop over daily to help), plus have gorged on cat psychology, so I know how they work. But even if I hadn't - I just seem to 'get' them and they, me, since I was a baby. And as a toddler, I'd follow my cats on their walks, crawling through bushes and climbing trees, haha!” Oh, that’s lovely 🙂 I haven’t really read books about cats, but I get that 'somehow I understand them and they understand me' feeling. I guess it comes a bit automatically when you grow up with animals around. “Automatic feeder, haha! But, for cats, *especially* ones that've up til then had a really-REALLY hard life, anyone feeding them regularly and reliably speaks volumes to a cat. It's how THEY show love. (So from that, they can tell kind, loving and nurturing people from stinkers.) So yes, they do love you for always feeding them, but it is a genuine bond, not just "cupboard love". That's why when they want to say thanks, one of the main ways is to leave a dead mouse or bird on the floor for you....feeding you. So I guess in Cat World, providing them food as saves them from having to bust a gut to catch prey (which is usually piddly, like, a tiny mouse), along with touching and speaking softly and lovingly to them, is the human equivalent of presenting them with an engagement ring, LOL.” haha yeah you’re right. "Haha, reminds me of a funny meme: Woman on the phone, saying to the person at the other end: 'No, I CAN'T come to your dog's wedding, freak! It's my cat's birthday party that weekend!' :D" Haha, I’m like that woman XD I’ve always celebrated the adoption day of my pets since I never knew their exact birthdays 😀 I’d always get them some new things for that and, of course, some special treats 🙂 And of course, I wasn’t available for anything else on that day! “You can so - obviously you've had a cat before?” Oh yes, I’ve had 3 cats in my life so far, and they were all rescue cats—4 if I include Heidi 🙂 Sadly, 2 of them were really sick and didn’t live to be very old. I don’t really remember what my first cat had since I was only 5-6 years old at the time. My other cat had seizures; we tried everything, but in the end, we had to let her go. And then there was my beloved Blacky, she was the coolest cat in the whole world :) She lived to be 17 years old, and she died in 2016. I still miss her so much! "And somehow… I also have a “stray” cat at work 😄" Ah-haaah! How lovely - at work! Must make Monday mornings more bearable?” Oh yeah! It’s so much more bearable 😀 Sometimes at work, when there are no patients in my rooms anymore and it’s close to closing time, I close the door to my complex and sit with Heidi if she wants to. Sometimes we cuddle a little, or she just chills on my lap (don’t tell my boss, hahah) “"She’s basically our clinic’s therapeutic worker cat – or at least that’s how some of us describe her when people ask." Haha! Great excuse! Makes you lot sound really advanced and sophisticated!” I’m a little bit scared that at some point some awful person will complain to the managing director about Heidi, and then we won’t be allowed to have her here anymore… Sometimes there are these horrible people who complain when Heidi sits on the windowsill or lies on the sofa. I had an old lady this week, and she complained that it’s unhygienic when Heidi comes into the clinic and that we should do something about it. She said she doesn’t want Heidi to sit in the patients' room. This happens every once in a while. When I see her in a room and know there’s a patient who has a problem with it, I always take her outside or put her in my office. Most of the time, Heidi gets it and stays away for a few days or just comes into my office. Sometimes there are also patients who act like complete idiots towards Heidi. There have been many times when Heidi, very upset, nervous, or scared, ran into my office, hiding behind my legs or under my desk because some people followed her around the clinic, trying to catch her to pet her. Like, really aggressively trying to catch her to pet her. I don’t understand those people. I always ask them if they don’t realize that Heidi doesn’t want to be petted and that it’s not okay to chase her. Most of them really don’t get it, and some even start arguing about it 😒 ""We call her “Heidi.”" Because she hides a lot? (groan)" Hahaha, no actually, because of Heidi, the series which is very famous in Germany—well, it was when I was a child. It's about a girl named Heidi who doesn’t have parents and has to live with her grandfather, whom she doesn’t really know. She is a Cheerful, carefree, and very warm-hearted girl. And after some troubles, she finds a warm home there: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXm2b605p9Y Somehow, my colleagues came up with that name for Heidi because she’s always up for an adventure and still curious about everything happening around her 🙂 “"So… we took her to the vet, collected money from the colleagues for the vet bills, and since then – she’s been our cat 🙂 She visits me every morning for cuddles and food. Sometimes she lies under my desk in a box I set up for her, with a little blanket inside. I also have a room where patients can rest between therapies – she sometimes keeps them company or naps at the window all day" Oh, BLESS!” Yeah, it turned out she hurt her back. The vet said she might have gotten stuck between a door or someone might have kicked her. We then gave her some injections at work for a few days, like pain meds, and she got better. “So you're her favourite, then? Sounds like it?” Yeah, I’m one of her favorites. I’m happy that I can give her a safe and chill place to stay sometimes🙂 “What breed is she - do you know? And what's her colouring? Long or short-haired? And are you going home covered in cat hair? :D ...proof of you (emotionally) cheating on your Fiance..., like an eq1uivalent to lipstick on a bloke's collar, hahahaha!” She is a European Shorthair with a brown tabby coat pattern 🙂 Oh, I’m really often covered in cat hair 😀, but since I have to wear work clothes, I keep a lint roller in my drawer to freshen up after a good cuddle with Heidi 🙂 “"I literally tried to time all my tasks that day so I wouldn’t have to get up for as long as possible 😄" Admit it - she's your 'baby'! :D” She is. I really love her. I hope she stays with us for a few more years, since she’s pretty old by now, and the risk of her getting hit by a car or some careless patient hurting her is always there. When I started working at that place in 2014, she was already there, so she’s at least 11 years old, maybe even older. “PS: "I can really picture how beautiful your life with them must be – it genuinely warms my heart just thinking about it." Backatcha re. Heidi! Shame we can't bore everyone else here to-tears by swapping endless snaps and vids, isn't it, haha.” haha yeah, i really would love to 😀 “What do you tend to feed to the birds?” I don’t feed much in the summer; I just put out a small dish with nuts (they like almonds and peanuts the most). Otherwise, I make sure they have enough water to drink. :) In the winter, I feed suet balls and a mix of different seeds, nut varieties, and oats. The most frequent visitors are small coal tits, but occasionally, magpies and blackbirds stop by. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ “CN, I *really* don't think you need to worry about making wrong moves. Your instincts are spot-on. You know when and how to do things - a la the Fun Boy Three/Bananarama hit, 'It's not what you do (it's the way that you do it)'. It's the WAY you - *you* - do things. You probably don't realise you're thinking it all through at the speed of light *beforehand*, probably feels improvised or impulsive. But the method in your madness is obvious to me (because I'm the same, plus it's the way it pans out and the way the results speak for themselves)'. No Pain - No Gain. And you've had a LIFETIME of pain (and intense thinking to-match).” Yes, you're right, thanks for putting it so clearly. I really often feel like I make decisions too impulsively, which then makes me overthink things longer than I actually want to. Sometimes it’s really exhausting.. But in the end, I end up doing it the way I originally thought, and it turns out fine. I don’t know why I’m sometimes so unsure about it. ““Yeah, well - you still managed to get in there first (which removes her scope to Slander Campaign)....which, FYI, is the hallmark of a SuperNova Empath, which means, you are nobody's victim and, once you decide, the shutters automatically come down, and deadbolts bolt, meaning, there's no going back for the antagonist. You telling 'mutual' friend was you burning her bridge back to you. Not that they can't traverse a burnt bridge. But their sick pride couldn't take it so they'd have to be VERY desperate for a victim to try. Seriously, once they know you see through them - you then become a danger TO THEM and they can't get away from you fast enough! So IN FACT, you're doing BOTH Zero Contact *and* Cornering Her at the same time! You don't do anything by halves, do you, haha. No, I think you've been handling this brilliantly.” Hahaha, yes, I really don't do things halfway (it's also a bit of that 'pff, now I’ll show them' mindset that makes me quite radical about it) and what you're saying makes total sense, thank you 😊 “Oh, and thank-you again for being strong and selfless enough to be answering newbies' posts despite your grief....that's pretty rare. :) (And - yeah, seems one of them suddenly fell off her typing chair, haha! Might be a really miniscule person, for whom it took weeks to climb UP and onto the chair to begin with, and then had to type using the rubber end of a pencil like a mallet (bash-bash-bash!), whom lost balance and - wheeeee, splat!, haha. ....orrr they were drunk and keeled over? ....or, they suddenly realised they'd won the Lottery, and gone, 'sod THIS - I'm off to Hawaii!'? Don't know, but we get those unfinished symphonies a lot. That and failure to give those who've advised any closure (booo, hiss!).)” That was really a strange unfinished post! I also wondered what might have happened there. Maybe it was really a troll? I think that’s called 'ragebait' or something? They post a cliffhanger and then watch people wonder and ask how it could continue. 😄 that and the AC post from the other day – with both of those posts, I thought to myself, 'Is this really legit?' With the AC guy, I didn’t understand at all how he ended up here instead of just Googling for a technician 😄 But well, some paths and people are just unfathomable! And yes, I’m happy to give my input if I can help. I just hope I can actually at least help a little. ""Also... I told a colleague at work a bit of what happened and told her that I no longer have any contact, because she asked me about Slinky’s fiancé (he used to work with us). Since I have no contact with him anymore, she said she’d ask another coworker who still occasionally hangs out with him – maybe I’ll get a sense of how things are going between them these days, through that back channel."GOOD, then! - to both points. No, that was fine and canny of you. ...Yeah,...no worries....you just surprised yourself with your espionage skills, that's all, haha. Welcome to the New You. :D” Haha, it kinda feels like I’m becoming my old self again – just with a few upgrades 😀"" It feels like it because - that's EXACTLY what's happening! (We call it, 'The B*tch is back!' :D) (means overtly cunning and sassy)." That bitch is really back 😀 but sometimes, to be honest, it scares me a little. It might be that 'not taking people’s bullshit anymore' thing you mentioned in the last post, and maybe I need to align it a bit more. But oh boy, I’m a sassy bitch now. I find myself coming up with the best responses to nonsense out of nowhere or just stepping up against bullshit 🥲 I’ve noticed it when I talk to my dad, and it spirals into those discussions we have—I can get really sassy there, more than I ever was. But mostly, I’ve noticed it at work, and sometimes my responses might be a bit over the top… For example, I was on my way to grab something for my doctor at 7 in the morning. I was walking up the stairs with my usual resting bitch face, still tired, and just wanting to end this day as quickly as possible. A patient crossed my path, looked at me, and said, 'Oh, put a little smile on, young lady.' I responded, 'Definitely not, it’s definitely not Friday enough for that 😤,' as I walked past him. I heard him mumble something like, 'Oh, she stepped out of bed with the wrong foot,' as I went through the door. I then mumbled, 'Oh, shut the fuck up' 🥲 He, of course, didn’t hear that, but the occasions where I find myself being overly sassy are becoming more frequent. Or maybe I just really need that vacation xD I mean, I hear those comments all the time and sometimes it's just unnecessary—like, can you just walk past me, please? I’ve also become sassier towards my boss or her deputy. But they also demand things in a tone that’s completely unacceptable or it’s absolute bullshit, and I call them out on it. I wouldn’t have dared to do that a few months ago. “And your personal email?” Of course, she'll go straight into spam if she ever contacts me about that. What I didn’t think about, though, is my work email. If she’s that desperate, then she’ll find a way—new email address or something. But I really think she won’t contact me again, and if she does, she might just text me. “"When I showed her the Reddit post (which M. hadn’t known about at all) that Slinky wrote about the proposal situation, she once again helped clear up the actual events, confirmed a few things – and was shocked that Slinky had even posted something like that, especially filled with lies." Which - I imagine - seeing how shocked and appalled SHE was, just brought home the rest of the weight of it all to you, yes? (That's why I don't read ahead; I need to imagine myself as 'you' and feel your shock almost first-hand, etc. The shock/revulsion level is the measuring stick, I find.)” Yes, and that really felt like closure. My fiancé joined us later and asked what we were talking about, and as we told him, he looked over at me and said, 'Wow, you really did close that chapter, huh?” "and told me more about what had gone on behind the scenes." Excellent! (You going to start seeing her as a friend or wait until you're sure she too has cut Slinky out?)" No, I definitely see her as a friend by now. And after she read that Reddit post, I think she cut Slinky out of the universe (the Reddit post where she of course also plays a big role as an 'acquaintance' – we’ve laughed about that pretty often by now and make jokes about it) “And did you get to confront her over this?” Yes, I asked her when we first spoke on the phone about it. After she explained everything to me, I asked her why she came with her fiancé's car. She then said that the fiancé's car had just come out of the mechanic's with the biggest problem solved, and since she didn’t want to drive extra kilometers with her own car, she insisted on driving with his car. I then asked why she couldn’t pick M. up, and her answer was that M. behaved so angrily and insultingly that she didn’t want to pick her up anymore. Back then, M. showed me the messages they sent each other, because I also asked her why she was so angry and insulting, which she denied, and could prove by the messages. Slinky later confirmed it herself in her Reddit post, I quote: 'I admitted that I could understand it, but I also explained to her that, due to the short notice, it’s not easy for anyone, and that I also have my reasons. I received her response: “I want to appeal to you, it’s about the other two.” That made me so angry that I just briefly wrote back that I wouldn’t take this detour. “"She’s on the same page as I am: in a friendship, it naturally balances out over time if one person pays for something and the other picks up the tab another time." Exactly. We DO keep score, but outside of our consciousness. If it comes into your consciousness, aka gets brought to your attention, it means the scoreboard is wholly unequal and has been for a good while already (because your inner animal allows enough time for things to, as you say, work out Even). It shouldn't happen, IOW.” That’s what Slinky always said when we talked about money and friendship in a group of people. She always took the opportunity to badmouth a former friend, who, when we once were ordering pizza, said he didn’t want anything and didn’t order, but then got 1-2 slices from someone as the pizza arrived. In her version, it was a whole pizza that he supposedly begged for. AND EVEN IF? HE’S YOUR FRIEND???? He was always the negative example, like: 'I’m happy to treat someone and don’t expect anything in return because that’s what friends do, but what HE did was rude and he does that every time.’ (which is a lie obviously, it was only that one time he did something like that..) “PS: With your physical and emotional energy tanks (which will have expanded due to this period) getting a chance to replenish (finally), you'll also start to find your mum's moods increasingly less upsetting and easier to handle.” Up until now, I haven’t noticed this regarding my mom's mood, but maybe it’ll come later. Otherwise, I can say yes, I really feel it. I have more energy, sometimes still a bit slowed down because of my back, but I definitely feel a change. My mindset is also more stable again. I hope this is really the longterm effect kicking in and not just the summer vitamin D dopamine boosts that will disappear once it gets darker again. ___________________________________________________________________ “Ya think? :D In fact, it's less a sign and more a 10ft neon light shoved into your face, haha. But make the reunion in, say, a month's time. You need more time to just enjoy the peace - so that you'll properly re-adapt to it which will re-set your standards and expectations for Incoming (...I mean - if feeling grateful or even just appreciative for bog-standard balloons and cheap wine is what she reduced you to - OR what you came to her with? - then - nuff said! That balloons/plonk/lift let-down incident was technically yet another Dealbreaker (especially after everything that'd gone before), meaning, you...were grateful...for (all things and relationship nature considered)...an *insult*...a ruddy great slap in the face. Have another, longer, drinkipoos and thinkipoos.)” hahaha, yeah it was really obvious 😀 And yeah, actually that was also my feeling, that I shouldn’t rush into it that quickly. I texted one of my friends the next day and asked about a reunion with everyone. We’re meeting on September 5th, 2025 😀 Since some of the girls are now married, some have kids, and they don’t live here anymore, that was the earliest date we could find 😀 So, I’d say it worked out perfectly. After that meet-up, I imagine I’ll be able to build closer friendships with the ones who still live here, and of course with the others too, but those will be more occasional meet-ups 🙂 But I’m also afraid that I might be romanticizing this too much. One of the biggest hopes and wishes that came up when I mentally took this further, thinking it could lead to closer friendships again, was: 'WOW, I’ll have bridesmaids at my wedding! My girls will be there to see me get married 😍' But then came the reality check, because, in the end, I don’t really know them anymore. Maybe we don’t match anymore? But I’m still really, really excited for this meeting and will try to go there with not too high expectations. “So now do you appreciate what I said about the 'bad-smelling narc slime' effect?” Definitely! I was a bit skeptical at first, but you were really right! ___________________________________________________________________ "Really like the way he puts all of that - do you? And can you spot yourself listed and described in the types of people the narc fears and hates? (I can. And myself as well.)" Yes, I really like the way he put everything into words—it resonates with me a lot. I can definitely spot myself in the types of people the narcissist fears and hates. I’ve found that I’m becoming more aware of my own strength and resilience, and I’m starting to understand how that can be a threat to someone who thrives on breaking others down. The idea of standing up for myself and refusing to let them control me is something I’m learning to embrace more and more. I also see myself in this one here: 'People who get knocked down but leap up cheerfully' (narcissists are eternally salty at their own losses). I think sometimes I managed to do that, at least at the end somehow 😀. Despite everything with Slinky, there were times when I felt completely knocked down, but I still managed to bounce back and keep moving forward. It's not always easy, but I've learned to find my strength even in the most difficult moments. It’s empowering to recognize these traits in myself and realize that I maybe in the future can handle narcissists by being aware of their tactics and not letting them get the better of me. I can see why it would be so difficult for them to deal with someone who isn’t easily manipulated and who refuses to back down.

Creativenick: I'd enjoy your September meet-up with the other ladies and the opportunity to hang out with everyone. Extend the invitation to spend time together with them like you mentioned, and see what comes of it. You can't always predict what people will do. But it's best to take initiative and ask if you want a better chance at staying in touch. All too often other people just get stuck in routine, or don't have the energy and interest in maintaining those connections anymore.

Hey CN, I'm going to get to your latest, next. Forum's quiet at the mo. Heatwaves everywhere, I expect? Plus, now, holiday season.

Eyup, matey! (Late as usual, hmph! - sorry...) "“PRAISE DEE LAWD - IT THUNDERSTORMED AND CHUNDERED DOWN ALL YESTERDAY AND LAST NIGHT - I CAN BREEEEAAATHE AGAIN! :D” Same here, we had about 21-26°C the past few days and some good rain 😊 The one rain while I was cycling home from work could have waited until I was home… I was completely soaked when I arrived ☹️ Today, it’s 30°C again and pretty cloudy and stuffy."" The selfish bstd! Haha. One upside, I discovered, from showering in it...Wow, does rainwater leave your skin and hair in a fabulous condition! No wonder the plants thrive more in it than tap-water. It's been chundering down today as well - allelujlia! (so that's - what - the second time in a month?). I and my clothes got soaked simply from running from my naya steps to the car and back (20 paces away!). But when you have so little downpours, it's then that it's a huge relief as well as a fun event (well, for me, anyway). (And, yeah, I took another shower in it!) Fluffy got soaked as well, but she just shakes her outer coat like a dog and - voila! - completely dry again. (Norwegian Forest cats aren't like normal cats) (which makes us 'twin flames haha!). But because it's been like it, non-stop, practically all day - whereas before she was a bit nervous about sleeping in one of the naya armchairs and would panick and skidaddle if I saw her in o ne (clue to her past mistreatment), today we got past that block and she's now sprawled, tummy-up, on the one just outside my front window. So I'm typing to you and playing music that I know appeals (simple pop or classical, espec. piano) - "60s Melodies" (sky channel). I do pop out on-average every 30 mins to stroke or feed her, but it must be boring for her to be 'trapped' in there. Anyway, latest 'pop-out (to stroke her) (she LOVES being stroked!...never SEEN such an affectionate cat!), I sat in the same armchair (which is an achievement, shows her confidence is still rising) last time I went out and she NEEEARLY climbed onto my lap - but then lost her bottle at the last minute. Never mind... PS: I don't really like 60s music...more into funk and (good) disco than straight pop...so that shows you how much I wuv her (.....ahhhh, listen to me haha!). Right now, it's The Beach Boys - Surfing USA....and I'm thinking - Well, give climate change's flooding enough time and I'm sure 'everyone' WILL have to be 'surfing USA'...just to get to the shops! (PPS any Entrepreneurs: time to start buying out stocks of canoes and dinghies (and wetsuits)?) ""But hey – my vacation is finally on the horizon: only two more weeks to go! I think I can push through until then." Remind me again (if you told me?) where you're going?” I don’t think I’ve told you yet. We’re going to our favorite city on the North Sea, Cuxhaven :)" Never heard of it! What's it like? You talking, beach holiday? "We’ve been going there every year for vacation for the past 3-4 years :)" Must be good, then! "This time, we’ve planned a bike tour along the coast" Beach AND cycling holiday - sounds perfect! "and want to go to Helgoland for a day trip." Is that like LegoLand? (;)) "We also want to watch the sunrise at the Kugelbake, which is one of the famous landmarks in Cuxhaven. I also want to look at the sky on the beach with my binoculars because there is very little light pollution (I’m hoping for clear skies—sadly, I can’t bring my telescope, it’s too much luggage since we’re traveling by train)." You're into Astronomy? Wow! So was my Late dad. I had his telescope but it "went missing" during the removals process, coming over here. Now, all I've got is the stand. (Don't get me started - loads went missing/was broken, despite the company was highly reputed in my whole area in UK) (they blamed Covid, of course). "The rest of the week, we’ll be watching cargo ships with our binoculars while chilling in a beach basket, drinking some cocktails and beer, and of course, we’ll go to our favorite restaurants there :D" That sounds like my kinda holiday. My only trub is - I DESPISE travelling by plane and ship - either, literally leaves me feeling sick in the stomach and head for days, bleugh. Luckily, son and GF love it, and love this house, pool and nearby beaches/whole area, so he does the flying while I pay his (and her) total travel and holiday costs (- bit like stoners wanting pizza: "You go - I'll pay", hahaha). He likes that because while he's here he's not spending on food or tobacco, meaning, he actually goes home '2 weeks-worth' richer each time! :D Fair's fair, though, given that I'm not ready to go back to (Y)UK yet. From everything I've heard/been told, I seriously reckon I'd be like Charlton Heston in the end scene of Planet Of The Apes ("Yooooou b****st****rds!"). I made the mistake of googling map-ing 2 years back, and saw my actually pretty affluent area with actual craters and 'hillocks' on the road surfaces in the local high street - it looked like the town had suffered an earthquake! And the buildings looked very tatty compared to before Brexit/Covid...too sad. Also means, I HAD to make living here work, because the England I knew 'no longer exists'. (I didn't hate it, I just couldn't take the 9 months of 'winter' any more...was really starting to feel the cold and the cold air was giving me asthma) (and NOTHING gets in the way of me and my rollies - nothing! It's my one vice, anyway.) "Oh, and I want to visit the town hall to get information about beach weddings (aaaahhhh, that would be soooo cool if we could get married there)." NOWWWW you're talking!? GOD, YEAH!? Seriously, missus - that'd be amazing! Keep me posted... (Here - you and Lily31 will be able to compare notes as young newly-weds. Bet she'd love that!) Have you two set the actual date yet, or are you still doing research? "“Well, I grew up with cats, plus the lady owner of the house next door ran a really lovely Cattery (I'd pop over daily to help), plus have gorged on cat psychology, so I know how they work. But even if I hadn't - I just seem to 'get' them and they, me, since I was a baby. And as a toddler, I'd follow my cats on their walks, crawling through bushes and climbing trees, haha!” Oh, that’s lovely 🙂 I haven’t really read books about cats, but I get that 'somehow I understand them and they understand me' feeling. I guess it comes a bit automatically when you grow up with animals around."" Empaths.... Cats only like Empaths. :) Because, as any long-term cat-owner knows, cats are Empaths and, e.g., will come and "bunt", lick and cuddle you if ever you're upset/crying (see YouTube). “"Automatic feeder, haha! But, for cats, *especially* ones that've up til then had a really-REALLY hard life, anyone feeding them regularly and reliably speaks volumes to a cat. It's how THEY show love. (So from that, they can tell kind, loving and nurturing people from stinkers.) So yes, they do love you for always feeding them, but it is a genuine bond, not just "cupboard love". That's why when they want to say thanks, one of the main ways is to leave a dead mouse or bird on the floor for you....feeding you. So I guess in Cat World, providing them food as saves them from having to bust a gut to catch prey (which is usually piddly, like, a tiny mouse), along with touching and speaking softly and lovingly to them, is the human equivalent of presenting them with an engagement ring, LOL.” haha yeah you’re right."" I know...it's what makes me so annoying, haha. (I just don't open my mouth unless I deeply know what I'm talking about, and do obsessive research (get sucked in) until I know everything and/or can 'run with' the data and even correctly extrapolate to new insights. (I'm third Hippy, third sciences Geek, and third biz Entrepeneur. Always have been. Interesting genetic stock. Bit like you - yeah?) PS: I now know she had English previous owners... understands me...whole sentances...I tested her out the other day (god, she's clever). I'd be out there, stroking her, all evening were it not for the sodding mozzies - ach! Still...mustn't grumble - to be fair it was far worse last year, so much so it ruined our summer. What's the insect situation in Germany these days? ""Haha, reminds me of a funny meme: Woman on the phone, saying to the person at the other end: 'No, I CAN'T come to your dog's wedding, freak! It's my cat's birthday party that weekend!' :D" Haha, I’m like that woman XD I’ve always celebrated the adoption day of my pets since I never knew their exact birthdays 😀 I’d always get them some new things for that and, of course, some special treats 🙂 And of course, I wasn’t available for anything else on that day!"" Haha - yeah - describes me as well! Oh - wait - before I forget (I'll do it in my next post): I've had to fish out THREE ruddy great, Black Tarantulas from my pool shallow-end this last week! And it was surprisingly easy!...FAR easier than spider-catching/releasing in UK. They're like the Sloths of the arachnid world! One even played dead as I approached...I actually believed it! :D (Tsk...60s music is so bish-bash, tra-la, dum-dee-da-da, tinky-tinky-tink-tink...know what I mean? How the hell did people dance to that?!) ""You can so - obviously you've had a cat before?”2 "Oh yes, I’ve had 3 cats in my life so far, and they were all rescue cats—4 if I include Heidi 🙂 Sadly, 2 of them were really sick and didn’t live to be very old. I don’t really remember what my first cat had since I was only 5-6 years old at the time. My other cat had seizures; we tried everything, but in the end, we had to let her go. And then there was my beloved Blacky, she was the coolest cat in the whole world :) She lived to be 17 years old, and she died in 2016. I still miss her so much!"" Cat Person High Five! Seventeen? WOW! Nuff said re what a great Mum you are. I'm really not sure what age Fluffy is. I think she's either small for a Wegie (runt?) or still just a teenager. Still, I guess the vet will enlighten me if/whenever she lets me actually pick her up and take her for an "M.O.T." PS: We ought perhaps turn this thread into a Cats As Therapy one so that everyone can join in! :D (Not yet though.) ""And somehow… I also have a “stray” cat at work 😄" Ah-haaah! How lovely - at work! Must make Monday mornings more bearable?” Oh yeah! It’s so much more bearable 😀 Sometimes at work, when there are no patients in my rooms anymore and it’s close to closing time, I close the door to my complex and sit with Heidi if she wants to. Sometimes we cuddle a little, or she just chills on my lap (don’t tell my boss, hahah)"" (I definitely won't!) (Anyway, he'd probably fall in-love with her and then you'd have competition. Again - see YouTube for blokes who "don't like cats", until their partner gets one aaaand then suddenly doesn't get a look-in - because the cat is 'permanently attached' to "dad" (who now loves cats). CLEARLY, she's yours. ("....Mine?!...mine-mine-mine!?...") “"She’s basically our clinic’s therapeutic worker cat – or at least that’s how some of us describe her when people ask." Haha! Great excuse! Makes you lot sound really advanced and sophisticated!” I’m a little bit scared that at some point some awful person will complain to the managing director about Heidi, and then we won’t be allowed to have her here anymore… Sometimes there are these horrible people who complain when Heidi sits on the windowsill or lies on the sofa. I had an old lady this week, and she complained that it’s unhygienic when Heidi comes into the clinic and that we should do something about it. She said she doesn’t want Heidi to sit in the patients' room. This happens every once in a while. When I see her in a room and know there’s a patient who has a problem with it, I always take her outside or put her in my office. Most of the time, Heidi gets it and stays away for a few days or just comes into my office."" If the majority of (sane, non-animal-hating) patients like/love her - which, they do - plus the boss - then, she's safe, and any grumpy gits can go to another clinic - simples! You don't make the majority suffer for the sake of one or two grumpy, (cough!) *over-entitled*, *spoilt-kid* gits. That's BAD for biz because the nice ones will peel away until all you're left with is the gits. (Tell your boss that, if ever there's a problem.) "Sometimes there are also patients who act like complete idiots towards Heidi. There have been many times when Heidi, very upset, nervous, or scared, ran into my office, hiding behind my legs or under my desk because some people followed her around the clinic, trying to catch her to pet her. Like, really aggressively trying to catch her to pet her. I don’t understand those people." They don't understand animals/cats. "I always ask them if they don’t realize that Heidi doesn’t want to be petted and that it’s not okay to chase her. Most of them really don’t get it, and some even start arguing about it 😒" GREAT - MORE over-entitled (and boundary-pushing) gits! Let's hope Heidi 'sends them all packing' so that only the nice people (and those they recommend the clinic to) frequent there. ""We call her “Heidi.”" Because she hides a lot? (groan)" Hahaha, no actually, because of Heidi, the series which is very famous in Germany—well, it was when I was a child. It's about a girl named Heidi who doesn’t have parents and has to live with her grandfather, whom she doesn’t really know. She is a Cheerful, carefree, and very warm-hearted girl. And after some troubles, she finds a warm home there: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXm2b605p9Y" Yes, we know the story of Heidi in the UK. Had long-running telly dramas and films, too. "Somehow, my colleagues came up with that name for Heidi because she’s always up for an adventure and still curious about everything happening around her 🙂" Haha! Good pick! ...whereas I called mine an adjective - Fluffy. :D (I wanted to call one of my childhood cats, Fart-Face or Smelly, but my parents weren't having any of it.) “"So… we took her to the vet, collected money from the colleagues for the vet bills, and since then – she’s been our cat 🙂 She visits me every morning for cuddles and food. Sometimes she lies under my desk in a box I set up for her, with a little blanket inside. I also have a room where patients can rest between therapies – she sometimes keeps them company or naps at the window all day" Oh, BLESS!” Yeah, it turned out she hurt her back. The vet said she might have gotten stuck between a door or someone might have kicked her"" Oh, don't, I can't stand it. :( "We then gave her some injections at work for a few days, like pain meds, and she got better." Thank God. That's the thing with rescue cats. You're not just therapy for them - they are for you, too... even when you didn't know you needed it! "“So you're her favourite, then? Sounds like it?” Yeah, I’m one of her favorites. I’m happy that I can give her a safe and chill place to stay sometimes🙂"" It's so rewarding, isn't it? If only everyone knew... Never mind - our secret, haha. ""What breed is she - do you know? And what's her colouring? Long or short-haired? And are you going home covered in cat hair? :D ...proof of you (emotionally) cheating on your Fiance..., like an eq1uivalent to lipstick on a bloke's collar, hahahaha!” She is a European Shorthair with a brown tabby coat pattern 🙂 Oh, I’m really often covered in cat hair 😀, but since I have to wear work clothes, I keep a lint roller in my drawer to freshen up after a good cuddle with Heidi 🙂"" Haha! - yeah, I think I need one of those! I'm even sneezing them out of my nose! Again - thank god she's an outdoor cat! And thank god she scratches the naya tree-trunk or else my sofas would be torn to shreds by now. Do you mean she's a Tortoiseshell? (What a shame we can't exchange photos on here, eh?) (Mmmeh) Here...I've just had an idea. Why not train Heidi to chase off all the Narcs? :D ("Kill, Heidi, kill!") Seriously, though, to stop them arguing about not chasing her, you should tell them that she'll run a bit but then turn on them and sink her teeth in. That might do it ("Me-Me-Me, I'll only do something for Me!") (...and then you could rename her "Me-Me-Me-Ow" - get it?) (yeah, I know, but it's late). “"I literally tried to time all my tasks that day so I wouldn’t have to get up for as long as possible 😄" Admit it - she's your 'baby'! :D” She is. I really love her. "" Ahhhh... I know... they're too lovable and easy to love, aren't they. "I hope she stays with us for a few more years," Course she will. "since she’s pretty old by now," Old Is as Old Is Done To. (She's probably younger already, since you took her in.) "and the risk of her getting hit by a car or some careless patient hurting her is always there." Ach - the Worry that goes with it - yes. Same as when you have kids. "When I started working at that place in 2014, she was already there, so she’s at least 11 years old, maybe even older." Yeah, but she's HAPPY. AND healthier. That's the recipe for longevity, after all so... No fuzzies-wozzies. :) "“PS: "I can really picture how beautiful your life with them must be – it genuinely warms my heart just thinking about it." Backatcha re. Heidi! Shame we can't bore everyone else here to-tears by swapping endless snaps and vids, isn't it, haha.” haha yeah, i really would love to 😀" Bummer. We'll have to keep relying on descriptions. "“What do you tend to feed to the birds?” I don’t feed much in the summer; I just put out a small dish with nuts (they like almonds and peanuts the most). Otherwise, I make sure they have enough water to drink. :) In the winter, I feed suet balls and a mix of different seeds, nut varieties, and oats. The most frequent visitors are small coal tits, but occasionally, magpies and blackbirds stop by." Blackbirds seem to be especially attracted to fruit, I've noticed (cherries, oranges, lemonquats, melon), whereas the thrushes and other small songbirds as tend to be ground feeders (that hop around instead of walking - always ready for flight in-case of predators) go for seeds, oats, nuts, pasta, rice and orchard fruits (apples, pears). It's proving pretty expensive, feeding all these pets (plus the big black cat, recently injured so start calling again...call him Jag, short for Jaguar), so (don't laugh) I've changed my diet so that they're basically eating my leftover or what normally I'd end up throwing (it's all Family-sized packs here...and things go off too soon). _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Right then...Back to the other, non-lovable animal in your life (gas-mask on).... “"CN, I *really* don't think you need to worry about making wrong moves. Your instincts are spot-on. You know when and how to do things - a la the Fun Boy Three/Bananarama hit, 'It's not what you do (it's the way that you do it)'. It's the WAY you - *you* - do things. You probably don't realise you're thinking it all through at the speed of light *beforehand*, probably feels improvised or impulsive. But the method in your madness is obvious to me (because I'm the same, plus it's the way it pans out and the way the results speak for themselves)'. No Pain - No Gain. And you've had a LIFETIME of pain (and intense thinking to-match).” Yes, you're right, thanks for putting it so clearly. I really often feel like I make decisions too impulsively, which then makes me overthink things longer than I actually want to. Sometimes it’s really exhausting.. But in the end, I end up doing it the way I originally thought, and it turns out fine. I don’t know why I’m sometimes so unsure about it."" You don't trust your (Kirk) intuition, you mean - just your (Spock) analytical insight? No, you calculate, conclude, act on it, like lightning. You're a super-fast thinker (loads of practise). (Look at how much output you can produce, just on here - and, nuff said, right?) (Everything's connected in this big machine called Life/Planet Earth. Everything. 'The Butterfly Effect'.) Well, I'm glad you're getting to know yourself better via my honest feedback. 'Bout time too! (Circumstance's fault, tho, not yours.) You're another Late Bloomer. That's what happens when you get something unorthodox but imperative shoved into your kiddie In-Tray. The stuff you're supposed to be getting on with is getting buried all the time. However, by starting to sift through it late, at least you're doing it when you're wiser, cleverer, faster...so you tend to get through that backlog at surprisingly warp speed, NOT slowly, gradually, like would have done as a kid. AND do a better job. So - six of one, half-a-dozen of the other...everything has Pros and Cons, just different ones. But as you haven't been baked in the same oven as most, that's why you 'look and taste' different and aren't on their life schedules. (In the coming months/years, you might start to notice a lot of your peers seem to be sinking/going backwards while you're late-elevating...which all MEANS that types like you live some of your developmental years now, with not just their adult wisdom, but today's knowledge and technology, etc. And that's actually better, I think, because it's a marathon, not a sprint, meaning, you've not tired yourself out on the first few laps and can sprint the final lap (and win). Likewise, I think this is why older parents are best...sprogging at 35, say. Early 20s is too sodding young. Yeah, you have the energy. But not the brains and wisdom. For starters, our neo-cortex doesn't finish baking until round-about 25. TWEHNNNN-TEEEE-...FIIIIIVE. Kids not should birth and raise kids, innit, or else (think about it) they're being programmed/taught how to be A KID. Kids the in past were far more mature, anyway, precisely BECAUSE they had harder childhoods. You can be TOO cossetted... which is why most people aren't handling the new, tougher times..... don't get me started...) ““Yeah, well - you still managed to get in there first (which removes her scope to Slander Campaign)....which, FYI, is the hallmark of a SuperNova Empath, which means, you are nobody's victim and, once you decide, the shutters automatically come down, and deadbolts bolt, meaning, there's no going back for the antagonist. You telling 'mutual' friend was you burning her bridge back to you. Not that they can't traverse a burnt bridge. But their sick pride couldn't take it so they'd have to be VERY desperate for a victim to try. Seriously, once they know you see through them - you then become a danger TO THEM and they can't get away from you fast enough! So IN FACT, you're doing BOTH Zero Contact *and* Cornering Her at the same time! You don't do anything by halves, do you, haha. No, I think you've been handling this brilliantly.” ""Hahaha, yes, I really don't do things halfway (it's also a bit of that 'pff, now I’ll show them' mindset that makes me quite radical about it) and what you're saying makes total sense, thank you 😊" So I'm not the first to say that? Who - your Mum 'n Dad? Proving it CAN be done - aye. Me, too. (Leadership quality, that is.) (PS: What's it like, having someone 'see through you' from such a distance, btw? No-one's ever done it to me so I don't know. Seriously - is it spooky? It's not uncomfortable, is it? Or maybe just at-first? Give me your feedback - that'd be really useful.) "“Oh, and thank-you again for being strong and selfless enough to be answering newbies' posts despite your grief....that's pretty rare. :) (And - yeah, seems one of them suddenly fell off her typing chair, haha! Might be a really miniscule person, for whom it took weeks to climb UP and onto the chair to begin with, and then had to type using the rubber end of a pencil like a mallet (bash-bash-bash!), whom lost balance and - wheeeee, splat!, haha. ....orrr they were drunk and keeled over? ....or, they suddenly realised they'd won the Lottery, and gone, 'sod THIS - I'm off to Hawaii!'? Don't know, but we get those unfinished symphonies a lot. That and failure to give those who've advised any closure (booo, hiss!).)” That was really a strange unfinished post! I also wondered what might have happened there. Maybe it was really a troll? I think that’s called 'ragebait' or something? They post a cliffhanger and then watch people wonder and ask how it could continue. 😄"" Jeez - "Get a lllliffffe!". That's PATHETIC for Trolling?! :p. One (mainly women's) site I worked on, some Narc posted a snuff video still. (You can imagine how everyone, including me, reacted, can't you. He wasn't expecting *me* (was too-obviously a woman-basher). Reported him to the Police as well (it's s like throwing acid in people's faces...you can't UN-see it.)) (Probably why we don't do piccies in here. Nor member-member emailing. Just the Chat Room which is likewise moderated (constantly). Them's Narc tools if you let them.) " that and the AC post from the other day – with both of those posts, I thought to myself, 'Is this really legit?' With the AC guy, I didn’t understand at all how he ended up here instead of just Googling for a technician 😄 But well, some paths and people are just unfathomable! And yes, I’m happy to give my input if I can help. I just hope I can actually at least help a little."" Well, it could be mild trolling or, say, their bully walked into the room and they had to stop? (Can't remember what her thread was about just now.) You never know. You just hope or hope not, but trust that Fate prefers it that way, meaning, they'll be okay in the end. (You HAVE to be philosophical and a little fatalistic, as well as have faith, as a resident advisor.) ""Also... I told a colleague at work a bit of what happened and told her that I no longer have any contact, because she asked me about Slinky’s fiancé (he used to work with us). Since I have no contact with him anymore, she said she’d ask another coworker who still occasionally hangs out with him – maybe I’ll get a sense of how things are going between them these days, through that back channel."GOOD, then! - to both points. No, that was fine and canny of you. ...Yeah,...no worries....you just surprised yourself with your espionage skills, that's all, haha. Welcome to the New You. :D” Haha, it kinda feels like I’m becoming my old self again – just with a few upgrades 😀"" It feels like it because - that's EXACTLY what's happening! (We call it, 'The B*tch is back!' :D) (means overtly cunning and sassy)." "That bitch is really back 😀 but sometimes, to be honest, it scares me a little." Uh-huh, yup. (Doesn't last. And then you feel silly - but okay that you do.) This was a vital part of you that got suppressed as a kiddie. Whereas - it should have been done in a more discerning, Cherry-picking way (just get rid of the 'rotten' bits) because one's inner animal is more You than you (sense?). Once you're back as a team of two (with you supervising), there'll be no stopping you, you'll really enjoy life again and will feel capable of taking-on and conquering ANYTHING within human reach. (Even Git customers haha.) (Why don't you chase THEM round the surgery and see how THEY like it?!) "It might be that 'not taking people’s bullshit anymore' thing you mentioned in the last post," Part of it, yeah. "and maybe I need to align it a bit more." It'll align itself. Just cease being ashamed of your animal side (except for the bad bits). "But oh boy, I’m a sassy bitch now." Well, I KNOW - I told YOU, hahahahaha! "I find myself coming up with the best responses to nonsense out of nowhere or just stepping up against bullshit 🥲)" YESSSS. EX......ACTLY! Your Bugatti Veyron engine (brain) is no longer being constantly held back (wrong petrol), or view-impeded (shite flung on your windscreen) and data-withheld (no google map), or, banana shoved up your exhaust-pipe, thus slowed-down or stalling all the time. "I’ve noticed it when I talk to my dad, and it spirals into those discussions we have—I can get really sassy there, more than I ever was." Good. You've raised him. Was waiting for that. :) So what's his reaction? Is he taken-aback? What does he say/do? (The Beta - whom actually always was the Alpha - challenges and defeats the old Alpha. Narcs don't allow that - Nature's wishes and process - so we have to just take and force it...or never finishing developing into the amazing person we were meant to be.) ""But mostly, I’ve noticed it at work, and sometimes my responses might be a bit over the top…" Well, it will be. The Light Sabre is new to you, Luke. Just takes more practise and you'll get the hang of it and settle down. :) ...and in the meantime, be issuing lots of, "Sorry, didn't mean to be OTT" type apologies). But hey - at least you're aware of it! (Takes outer eyes and inner eyes, does that, and an ability to basically watch 'two TV sets' showing different programmes, at the same time (and then answer questions later).) "For example, I was on my way to grab something for my doctor at 7 in the morning. I was walking up the stairs with my usual resting bitch face," :D Now that I would love to see! "still tired, and just wanting to end this day as quickly as possible." Oh, yeah, if you're half asleep, your inner animal can get up to all sorts! You have to learn when you're over-tired and what-not and take that cue to remove yourself from all annoyances (people haha) in case you blow. "A patient crossed my path, looked at me, and said, 'Oh, put a little smile on, young lady.'" Bloke, was it? Who does he think he is? Or was he an older bloke (that sort of thing used to be accepted) (I know!!!) It IS a boundary crash BUT, it's better to bat-back with something witty. "I responded, 'Definitely not, it’s definitely not Friday enough for that 😤,' as I walked past him." HAHAHA - THAT'S A GOOD ONE! "I heard him mumble something like, 'Oh, she stepped out of bed with the wrong foot,'" (Yep, then - old chap.) "as I went through the door. I then mumbled, 'Oh, shut the fuck up' 🥲" Ooh, no! "He, of course, didn’t hear that," PHUH-*EW*! Try this one next time: "Que?....Lo siento - no hablo Aleman!" (thwarted or what..."Mmmeh!"). Alternatively, switch your thinking via my little ditty: I have a good friend She's The living end - She waves when the workmen "Twit-twoo!" And, then, when I state That she should get irate, Quips, 'Creeps.. can have good taste too?!'. Yeah? Right? You're obviously tasty-looking (or were to him, anyway). But yes, it is a violation how most men think they can make unsolicited, judgmental (what if your mum had just died or something!?!) comments to women and girls. Drives me potty. All comes under Over-Entitlement and male-to-female "superiority"-posturing, not to mention a tad Antisocial (eff the social rules, I'll do what I like, when I like). Have you ever read Andrea Dvjorkin? 'Pornography..Men Possessing Women'?. Your iQ will shoot-up a good 10 points if you read that. I think it's right up your alley. AND IT IS ALL TRUE AND LOGICAL *AND WHAT'S MORE* - PREDICTED TODAY'S OUTCOME (boys who are literally incapable of romantic relationships or a sex-life). Thoroughly recommend it. "but the occasions where I find myself being overly sassy are becoming more frequent." Uh-huh. "Or maybe I just really need that vacation" No. It's the Light Sabre. It's quite heavy and unwieldy at first - everyone in your past boat has this problem at-first - honestly, don't worry (just apologise a lot). "xD I mean, I hear those comments all the time and sometimes it's just unnecessary—like, can you just walk past me, please?" Course! Do you want me to give you a list of sneakily clever, tried-and-tested prevention and distraction tactics? (Eff bodily muscles - they ain't no good against a Tiger, are they...whereas the head muscle is....it's King and WHY humans weren't made exinct by predators everywhere.) Want those pre-prepated Custard Pies? - just ask. :) "I’ve also become sassier towards my boss or her deputy. But they also demand things in a tone that’s completely unacceptable or it’s absolute bullshit, and I call them out on it. I wouldn’t have dared to do that a few months ago." Haha. What've their reactions been like, as well? Tread carefully, though. If they're even a bit Iffy, too much alteration in one go can panic the poor dears and make them go all "unnecessary". You've got the rest of your life to practise with said sabre. I mean, you don't want Quentin Tarantino getting wind, and calling you to audition for Kill Bill 4, do you. ;) You're a Freelance practitioner, though - right? Not PAYE? "“And your personal email?” Of course, she'll go straight into spam if she ever contacts me about that. What I didn’t think about, though, is my work email. If she’s that desperate, then she’ll find a way—new email address or something. But I really think she won’t contact me again, and if she does, she might just text me." Block her? Or are you too fascinated right now. Fine if you are (you CAN handle it). But tell me - just so's I'm on your same page/route? “"When I showed her the Reddit post (which M. hadn’t known about at all) that Slinky wrote about the proposal situation, she once again helped clear up the actual events, confirmed a few things – and was shocked that Slinky had even posted something like that, especially filled with lies." Which - I imagine - seeing how shocked and appalled SHE was, just brought home the rest of the weight of it all to you, yes? (That's why I don't read ahead; I need to imagine myself as 'you' and feel your shock almost first-hand, etc. The shock/revulsion level is the measuring stick, I find.)” Yes, and that really felt like closure." BRILLIANT! "My fiancé joined us later and asked what we were talking about, and as we told him, he looked over at me and said, 'Wow, you really did close that chapter, huh?” There speaks a man who's surprised and REALLY impressed. :) (PS. did he make advances that night?) There ALSO speaks a man who, once-upon-a-time, DIDN'T manage to do what you've just done. (Hear it, now I've pointed it out?) (Psst! - if I'm right - he SHOULD tell you, and now, not after you marry. After all, you two might have far more in-common than you'd thought. And that's important to know and for a bonding shunt (but a legitimate one).) "and told me more about what had gone on behind the scenes." Excellent! (You going to start seeing her as a friend or wait until you're sure she too has cut Slinky out?)" No, I definitely see her as a friend by now. And after she read that Reddit post, I think she cut Slinky out of the universe (the Reddit post where she of course also plays a big role as an 'acquaintance' – we’ve laughed about that pretty often by now and make jokes about it)" Okay - cool. As long as you're comfy with her. Oh, DID she?! Well done her! Oh, in that case - I now pronounce you Friend and Friend. :))))))) PS: There's nothing like black & white evidence, eh. Narcs know that, and is why they try to make you 'spit the dummy' and have a go at them/be nasty back (for-once) via text or email. It's so that they can show that pure contrivance around as if to suggest it's Normal You. You didn't give her that tool - well done again! Although, ACTUALLY, what happens is - they get to keep the thick dross, and you get to keep the intelligent diamonds...which sounds fair to me, doesn't it you? (Well - look at M, planting her flag on your side, and nuff said. :D Who's Slinky got? Can you guess who it is?) "“And did you get to confront her over this?” "Yes, I asked her when we first spoke on the phone about it. After she explained everything to me, I asked her why she came with her fiancé's car. She then said that the fiancé's car had just come out of the mechanic's with the biggest problem solved, and since she didn’t want to drive extra kilometers with her own car, she insisted on driving with his car." What a loada BS. She wanted to arrive with his car (which had nothing wrong) to be seen to have lied (two-fingers up)- to piss you off and ruin your time. "I then asked why she couldn’t pick M. up, and her answer was that M. behaved so angrily and insultingly that she didn’t want to pick her up anymore." ((Yeah, right, Pinocchio's twin sister)) "Back then, M. showed me the messages they sent each other, because I also asked her why she was so angry and insulting, which she denied, and could prove by the messages." FINALLY - A FRIEND IN YOUR LONG-RANGE INTELLIGENCE LEAGUE! (Aside from moi, of course, hahahaha-wink.) "Slinky later confirmed it herself in her Reddit post, I quote: 'I admitted that I could understand it, but I also explained to her that, due to the short notice, it’s not easy for anyone, and that I also have my reasons. I received her response: “I want to appeal to you, it’s about the other two.” That made me so angry that I just briefly wrote back that I wouldn’t take this detour." That. made. her. so. angry. (She's effing mental.) “"She’s on the same page as I am: in a friendship, it naturally balances out over time if one person pays for something and the other picks up the tab another time." Exactly. We DO keep score, but outside of our consciousness. If it comes into your consciousness, aka gets brought to your attention, it means the scoreboard is wholly unequal and has been for a good while already (because your inner animal allows enough time for things to, as you say, work out Even). It shouldn't happen, IOW.” That’s what Slinky always said when we talked about money and friendship in a group of people." Which bit is what she always says - huh? "She always took the opportunity to badmouth a former friend," (Tick!) " who, when we once were ordering pizza, said he didn’t want anything and didn’t order, but then got 1-2 slices from someone as the pizza arrived. In her version, it was a whole pizza that he supposedly begged for. AND EVEN IF? HE’S YOUR FRIEND????" They're soooooooooo mean, it's unbelievable! I was just gonna say - maybe he was going through hard times? "He was always the negative example, like: 'I’m happy to treat someone and don’t expect anything in return because that’s what friends do, but what HE did was rude and he does that every time.’ (which is a lie obviously, it was only that one time he did something like that..)" Course it was. Swat Narx Do. And her grade is, Pathological Liar. Lies even unnecessarily, seemingly achieving nothing - yes? (They get an ego-boost whenever someone seems to be believing them.) “PS: With your physical and emotional energy tanks (which will have expanded due to this period) getting a chance to replenish (finally), you'll also start to find your mum's moods increasingly less upsetting and easier to handle.” Up until now, I haven’t noticed this regarding my mom's mood, but maybe it’ll come later. Otherwise, I can say yes, I really feel it. I have more energy, sometimes still a bit slowed down because of my back, but I definitely feel a change. My mindset is also more stable again. I hope this is really the longterm effect kicking in and not just the summer vitamin D dopamine boosts that will disappear once it gets darker again." Trust the force, Luke. :) (Sorry - Luketta.) Anyway - as that's not to say any Vit D depletion won't work against your new-found force: more eggs! Simples! Anyanyway - this is reall good. Other victims will be able to read this and know that fighting back and dumping is (assuming the narc isn't capable of violence, in which case, another methodology is needed) worth it...worth the short-term pain and grind - which in actual fact CAN be legitimately speeded-up like with your good self! The misery feels permanent - the victim fears the misery is going to be permanent - and that attitude slows you down (self-fulfilling negative prophesy). But like I keep saying: there be FUN in those there hills...and Lemonade... Shove a stinkbomb down their pants, and have fun and giggles, and a huge sense of satisfaction that will NEVER.......EVER.....wear-off. :) Oh - and you give off a scarier vibe (in WITH the lovely-person one). Welcome to Fluffy Bunny With Great White Shark Teeth-ville. If they don't intend on pulling your tail - they have literally zero to fear and everything to gain, right? (..whereas, in reality (one you'll never-ever get invited into) they're all mouth and posturing...more like a Great White with newborn Bunny teeth.) If you want a catch-all quip-back that can be used on a Slinky or stupid bloke on the stairs, it's this: "Ahhhhh, PLEUUUGH" (protruding your relaxed tongue slightly at the uugh bit). Or another: "....HAH!" (as in - Yeah, right, I really believe you (not) - or - YOU wish!...). And that's it. :D Works! So does just laughing like you would if the person were actually a toddler. 'Hahahaaaaa - bless!...' ___________________________________________________________________ “"Ya think? :D In fact, it's less a sign and more a 10ft neon light shoved into your face, haha. But make the reunion in, say, a month's time. You need more time to just enjoy the peace - so that you'll properly re-adapt to it which will re-set your standards and expectations for Incoming (...I mean - if feeling grateful or even just appreciative for bog-standard balloons and cheap wine is what she reduced you to - OR what you came to her with? - then - nuff said! That balloons/plonk/lift let-down incident was technically yet another Dealbreaker (especially after everything that'd gone before), meaning, you...were grateful...for (all things and relationship nature considered)...an *insult*...a ruddy great slap in the face. Have another, longer, drinkipoos and thinkipoos.)” "hahaha, yeah it was really obvious 😀 And yeah, actually that was also my feeling, that I shouldn’t rush into it that quickly. I texted one of my friends the next day and asked about a reunion with everyone. We’re meeting on September 5th, 2025 😀 " Perfect! (But don't get too drunk cos we'll all want a write-up after :))... the next chapter in your Saga (and welcome to Lily31's world). "Since some of the girls are now married, some have kids, and they don’t live here anymore, that was the earliest date we could find 😀 So, I’d say it worked out perfectly." That'll have been Fate's hand. "After that meet-up, I imagine I’ll be able to build closer friendships with the ones who still live here, and of course with the others too, but those will be more occasional meet-ups 🙂" Yup! And you've done to the work to earn those better quality people. So you WILL feel deserving - as well as feel they're as equally lucky to have you as a friend. You're a Gentlewoman...a Lady (or will be once you get the hang of that light-sabre haha; it sounds quite big). "But I’m also afraid that I might be romanticizing this too much." Nah. But anyway - it's good practise...limbering-up for joining the highest, shiniest apples nearer the top of the tree (in terms of person quality) (well - AND career if you want?). "One of the biggest hopes and wishes that came up when I mentally took this further, thinking it could lead to closer friendships again, was: 'WOW, I’ll have bridesmaids at my wedding! My girls will be there to see me get married 😍' But then came the reality check, because, in the end, I don’t really know them anymore. Maybe we don’t match anymore? But I’m still really, really excited for this meeting and will try to go there with not too high expectations." At what age were you all close friends? If they were a part of your childhood or adolescence - what could be more perfect?...and sod the fact you all lost touch for a few years - it happens! Put more simply, if they were 'formative' - they're qualified. So I don't see a problem. Unless you mean, what if you don't all get on as well as before? Well, you could use the 'formative years' explanation and invite them to be your bridesmaids at the reunion (including the caveat of none of them turning mental on you in the meantime, like Slinky....And TELL them about her, too.) I mean, if that doesn't reacquaint and rebond you and they, instantly, then, I don't know WHAT would. Or, safer: tell them you'd LIKE to be able to ask them all come the time - ergo, "here's hoping you all still get on like before (clink-clink!)". Anyway - you only need ONE bridesmaid? And then, only if you wear a train (long veil)? Go see Lily's thread. She's a GenZ so she and he are having (have had?) a totally original type of wedding. It's your day and fiance's day. Do it snorkling if you want (no bridesmaids down there haha). ORR the two of you alone somewhere but with a live video link to them/their phones/PCs?...having sent each of them a wee hamper containing a small bottle of Champagne so you can all toast together-but-separately? Don't worry - we'll deal with that IF it happens (s/he said, knowing full-well it'll become a non-issue by then). "“So now do you appreciate what I said about the 'bad-smelling narc slime' effect?” Definitely! I was a bit skeptical at first, but you were really right!"" Say it with me (re my gift/curse): Soulmate is always right...Its why Narcs hate him/her soooo damn much. (Seriously - I get stalked by Narc exes for decades....gosh, I wonder why, mwa-ha-ha-ha..............MWA-HA-HA-HAAAAAA! LOL) (Only always right about this sort of stuff. Still can't put up shelves or any of that stuff, still relying on contractors.) ___________________________________________________________________ ""Really like the way he puts all of that - do you? And can you spot yourself listed and described in the types of people the narc fears and hates? (I can. And myself as well.)" Yes, I really like the way he put everything into words—it resonates with me a lot. I can definitely spot myself in the types of people the narcissist fears and hates." Yuh. One does NOT gag and chain up a docile, powerless animal...so the clue was always IN the mistreatment. (How ironic is that, eh?) "I’ve found that I’m becoming more aware of my own strength and resilience, and I’m starting to understand how that can be a threat to someone who thrives on breaking others down." THERE YA GO, MUSHY-BUT-SCARY LADY (i.e. properly-rounded human female) (who do you think had to deal with other human packs when they came with rape and pillage in-mind? THE WOMEN (and the more feminine-sided homosexual men). It weren't the hunters...they were away for days and weeks at a time to find enough meat to bring home! "The female of the species is more deadly than the male". Or certainly, equally. OTHERWISE, THERE WOULDN'T, WHATEVER THE ERA, BE TWICE AS MANY WOMEN IN THE WORLD AS MEN, BIG-FAT-INNIT; instead, there'd be a shortage by now. Bullies don't ever win. They have to lose to win. Think about it. Think about Slinky (only dross left...possibly NOT EVEN). "The idea of standing up for myself and refusing to let them control me is something I’m learning to embrace more and more." That's your truly grown-up 'back-wings' unfurling, that is. "I also see myself in this one here: 'People who get knocked down but leap up cheerfully' (narcissists are eternally salty at their own losses). I think sometimes I managed to do that, at least at the end somehow 😀. Despite everything with Slinky, there were times when I felt completely knocked down, but I still managed to bounce back and keep moving forward. It's not always easy, but I've learned to find my strength even in the most difficult moments." Because it doesn't go anywhere. You've just been sitting on and stifling your inner animal...inner natural human-psychopathic side...because you were taught and made to, leaving you ill-equipped for the wider world. Enjoy your sabre. :) It'll become second nature sooner than you know it. And then you'll have a death-stare, one that Narcs can read JUST fine (Clint Eastwood voice: "Go ahead, punk,...make my day"). "It’s empowering to recognize these traits in myself and realize that I maybe in the future can handle narcissists by being aware of their tactics and not letting them get the better of me." AND having that genuinely-scary-lady vibe. Let me explain: you always WERE scary - hence got stifled/chained-up to begin with. Now you're EXTRA...let's call it Formidable. You were slightly under. Now you're slightly over and will settle down (after practise) to JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT.... no, mistaking it for bluff (that the malignants with their (active, not suppressed) predator senses can see through). Start practising your death-stare in the mirror. Seriously. "I can see why it would be so difficult for them to deal with someone who isn’t easily manipulated and who refuses to back down." Yup. Makes you The Narcissist's Nightmare (- author Shahida Arabi)... another book you'll find hard to put down. Brilliant report - tanks, matey! :)

Oh, yes - and re what Balance put: "You can't always predict what people will do. But it's best to take initiative and ask if you want a better chance at staying in touch." A Leader/Alpha WANTS to do all the asking and organising. Me, I love it, because I need so much Me Time and don't ever really know when I'll feel like being sociable, meaning, it gives me control over When and Where (e.g a SMOKING restaurant!...al-fresco, I mean), without detrimenting others - au contraire, doing the opposite by saving them all a job. Win/win. And they KNOW I'm like that and why so - everyone's happy and they? They bring their own strengths/needs/extra efforts to the table so it still all works-out as symbiotic/reciprocal. So, yes, it is best and isn't the 'drag' others see it as. I mean - you book clients and sh*t, right? So you're doing that already. :)

PS: Did you see the Coldplay-camera cheating couple saga, and have you read all the public backlash?

Thought you might want to impart your recent experiences with this newbie? She's got THREE Slinkies at her - or 4, actually! - all at-once! https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13940/was-i-a-bad-friend#jumptobottom (Poor thing, she's only 16.) (Well...going-on 30, the way she thinks and speaks so ahead of her age.)

Hey there :) “The selfish bstd! Haha. One upside, I discovered, from showering in it...Wow, does rainwater leave your skin and hair in a fabulous condition! No wonder the plants thrive more in it than tap-water.” Haha, next time I’ll take some soap with me. Oh yes, I also collect rainwater to water my plants. It's really better than tap water. A teacher of mine used to say that rain is liquid sunshine. I always thought it was so cute when she said that :D “It's been chundering down today as well - allelujlia! (so that's - what - the second time in a month?). I and my clothes got soaked simply from running from my naya steps to the car and back (20 paces away!). But when you have so little downpours, it's then that it's a huge relief as well as a fun event (well, for me, anyway). (And, yeah, I took another shower in it!) Fluffy got soaked as well, but she just shakes her outer coat like a dog and - voila! - completely dry again. (Norwegian Forest cats aren't like normal cats) (which makes us 'twin flames haha!).” Wow, that’s crazy that she can just shake herself and be dry again :D By the way, I looked up what Fluffy’s breed looks like. And yes, the name definitely suits her :)) “But because it's been like it, non-stop, practically all day - whereas before she was a bit nervous about sleeping in one of the naya armchairs and would panick and skidaddle if I saw her in one (clue to her past mistreatment), today we got past that block and she's now sprawled, tummy-up, on the one just outside my front window. So I'm typing to you and playing music that I know appeals (simple pop or classical, espec. piano) - "60s Melodies" (sky channel). I do pop out on-average every 30 mins to stroke or feed her, but it must be boring for her to be 'trapped' in there. Anyway, latest 'pop-out (to stroke her) (she LOVES being stroked!...never SEEN such an affectionate cat!), I sat in the same armchair (which is an achievement, shows her confidence is still rising) last time I went out and she NEEEARLY climbed onto my lap - but then lost her bottle at the last minute. Never mind…” Oh, that’s really sweet :)) It definitely shows that she already trusts you a lot. It was similar with Heidi. At first, she didn’t let me pet her at all, probably because in the beginning I always had to ask her to leave the rooms (the doctor back then really didn’t like that Heidi was lying around there). She would always run away from me, sometimes even just when she heard me coming :(. One afternoon she was sleeping in a corner on a blanket that a patient had put there for her, and I sneaked in and watched her sleep (what a creep I am :D). She woke up, startled when she saw me, but because I sat quietly next to her she understood that this time I didn’t want her to leave. :) I still couldn’t pet her then, but a few weeks and many moments like that later, she just walked into my office and started winding herself around my legs :))) I'm sure she'll soon dare to take the step onto your lap! “PS: I don’t really like 60s music...more into funk and (good) disco than straight pop...so that shows you how much I wuv her (.....ahhhh, listen to me haha!). Right now, it's The Beach Boys - Surfing USA....and I'm thinking - Well, give climate change's flooding enough time and I'm sure 'everyone' WILL have to be 'surfing USA'...just to get to the shops! (PPS any Entrepreneurs: time to start buying out stocks of canoes and dinghies (and wetsuits)?)” Really? I think there are definitely some bangers from the 60s, but yeah, I think those aren’t the generic pop songs from that time, you’re right about that :D David Bowie, The Animals, Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, Simon and Garfunkel and sooo many more. They’re all great! Oh dear, don’t remind me… yeah, with climate change an investment like that would definitely pay off, not just in the USA (God, we really messed that up… the only good thing is that our planet will survive all of this, we’re just killing ourselves off. So you could say: natural selection, Darwin was right after all ;)) “I don’t think I’ve told you yet. We’re going to our favorite city on the North Sea, Cuxhaven :)” Never heard of it! What's it like? You talking, beach holiday?” Yeah, kind of, but in a really pleasant way. There’s always a fresh breeze, the sea is almost never there, but it’s super interesting and grounding to walk around in the mudflats :) The people up there are all in such a good mood and have this cheeky, honest way of speaking. Not like here in the south, where everyone seems to have a stick up their butt ;D The city is located at the northernmost point of Lower Saxony, right at the estuary where the Elbe river flows into the north sea. That’s why there are also a lot of cargo ships passing by, since they’re all heading to Hamburg Haven. When the tide comes in, it’s also really nice to go swimming there because it’s shallow everywhere. I’m already so excited for that first view of the sea when you come over the dike :) It’s always so surreal when you’re sitting or swimming there and suddenly a huge container ship or a cruise ship comes around the corner. It’s kind of fascinating, but it also reminds me every time of our overconsumption and capitalism, and also of our poor environment. And it also reminds me sometimes that I myself need to pay a bit more attention to things like that again. “You're into Astronomy? Wow! So was my Late dad. I had his telescope but it "went missing" during the removals process, coming over here. Now, all I've got is the stand. (Don't get me started - loads went missing/was broken, despite the company was highly reputed in my whole area in UK) (they blamed Covid, of course).” Oh, I absolutely love astronomy and astrophysics. I love how it gives you a completely different perspective on our little blue planet and on our very existence when you dive into it. There are so many incredible things in this universe :) I even thought about going back to school to get a higher qualification so I could study astronomy. But then I decided to dive into it more or less through self‑study — I bought tons of books, visited observatories and research centers in that field, etc. I really need to do that more often again; unfortunately, because of my back, it has been neglected these past two years… Oh, such a shame that the telescope (and the other stuff) went missing. Covid? Was it stored somewhere too long because of Covid and then just evaporated into thin air? I hope you got some kind of compensation or something for it. “My only trub is - I DESPISE travelling by plane and ship - either, literally leaves me feeling sick in the stomach and head for days, bleugh. Luckily, son and GF love it, and love this house, pool and nearby beaches/whole area, so he does the flying while I pay his (and her) total travel and holiday costs (- bit like stoners wanting pizza: "You go - I'll pay", hahaha). He likes that because while he's here he's not spending on food or tobacco, meaning, he actually goes home '2 weeks-worth' richer each time! :D” Oh, I totally understand you. My fiancé and I are also absolute flight‑avoiders because we’re super scared of it and we always feel really sick whenever we’ve flown in the past. We only travel by train, and even within Europe that’s become a real alternative nowadays (if you book early enough, it’s not even that expensive), and night trains are actually pretty cool too :D. As for ship trips, we’ll finally find out this vacation whether we can handle it or not when we go to the island of Helgoland. We’ve already bought travel sickness tablets – just in case :D It’s so nice that you cover the costs for them :) And also pretty practical to already have your vacation right at home :D “Fair's fair, though, given that I'm not ready to go back to (Y)UK yet. From everything I've heard/been told, I seriously reckon I'd be like Charlton Heston in the end scene of Planet Of The Apes ("Yooooou bst**rds!"). I made the mistake of googling map-ing 2 years back, and saw my actually pretty affluent area with actual craters and 'hillocks' on the road surfaces in the local high street - it looked like the town had suffered an earthquake! And the buildings looked very tatty compared to before Brexit/Covid...too sad. Also means, I HAD to make living here work, because the England I knew 'no longer exists'. (I didn't hate it, I just couldn't take the 9 months of 'winter' any more...was really starting to feel the cold and the cold air was giving me asthma) (and NOTHING gets in the way of me and my rollies - nothing! It's my one vice, anyway.)” But do you still want to go back someday? Even if it’s maybe just for a visit? I’ve felt for what seems like forever that I really want to travel to London or Cardiff, Bristol, Brighton. Maybe in the next few years :) Those cities are supposed to be so beautiful, I’d really love to see them. “NOWWWW you're talking!? GOD, YEAH!? Seriously, missus - that'd be amazing! Keep me posted... (Here - you and Lily31 will be able to compare notes as young newly-weds. Bet she'd love that!) Have you two set the actual date yet, or are you still doing research?” We’re still thinking about it. What’s certain is that we want to get married next year, but we don’t have an exact date yet. Since we have so many memories connected with that place, we definitely want to get married there. I saw online that you can get married on the beach, but I want to get some information in person on site before we start planning :) “What's the insect situation in Germany these days?” This year the June beetles really got on my nerves. They’re so dumb :D They keep flying into you and getting tangled in your hair :( and because they’re quite sturdy, it actually hurts when they crash into your head at full speed :D Apart from that, there are also a lot of mosquitoes here this year, and wasps are also very persistent again this year. “Oh - wait - before I forget (I'll do it in my next post): I've had to fish out THREE ruddy great, Black Tarantulas from my pool shallow-end this last week! And it was surprisingly easy!...FAR easier than spider-catching/releasing in UK. They're like the Sloths of the arachnid world! One even played dead as I approached...I actually believed it! :D” YIIIIIIIKES oh I don’t like big spiders anywhere near me :D We occasionally have small spiders in the apartment, those don’t bother me, but as soon as they’re bigger, my fiancé has to catch them. We once had a nosferatu spider in our bedroom, that was the biggest spider I’ve ever seen here. I think I would have run screaming through the garden if that thing had suddenly moved… you’re really brave :D “I'm really not sure what age Fluffy is. I think she's either small for a Wegie (runt?) or still just a teenager. Still, I guess the vet will enlighten me if/whenever she lets me actually pick her up and take her for an "M.O.T." PS: We ought perhaps turn this thread into a Cats As Therapy one so that everyone can join in! :D (Not yet though.)” Oh yes, a cat thread sounds like a great idea! “If the majority of (sane, non-animal-hating) patients like/love her – which, they do – plus the boss – then, she's safe, and any grumpy gits can go to another clinic – simples! You don't make the majority suffer for the sake of one or two grumpy, (cough!) over‑entitled, spoilt‑kid gits. That's BAD for biz because the nice ones will peel away until all you're left with is the gits. (Tell your boss that, if ever there's a problem.)” Yeah, I feel the same way, but I’m not so sure about my boss. She used to work in my department before she became the boss, and even back then she would always tell me to take Heidi outside whenever she saw her lying around or walking around somewhere. She did find Heidi cute as well, but she always focused on the hygiene aspect. And of course, there could be people who have a cat‑hair allergy, which obviously wouldn’t be ideal. But I think the colleagues who like Heidi would definitely stand up for her if anything ever came up – and that includes the secretary of the management ;D And if everything really goes downhill, I’ll just adopt her myself (or one of the other colleagues will) :D “Haha! Good pick! ...whereas I called mine an adjective - Fluffy. :D (I wanted to call one of my childhood cats, Fart-Face or Smelly, but my parents weren't having any of it.)” Hahahahaa, well, I also always named my cats in a very practical way XD black cat = Blacky, multicolored spotted cat = Flecky (“fleckig” = German for “spotted”). And why Fart‑Face or Smelly? :DDD Did the cat have stomach issues? xD “Haha! - yeah, I think I need one of those! I'm even sneezing them out of my nose! Again - thank god she's an outdoor cat! And thank god she scratches the naya tree-trunk or else my sofas would be torn to shreds by now. Do you mean she's a Tortoiseshell? (What a shame we can't exchange photos on here, eh?) (Mmmeh)” She looks like the cat in the first picture here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tabby_cat “Here...I've just had an idea. Why not train Heidi to chase off all the Narcs? :D ("Kill, Heidi, kill!") Seriously, though, to stop them arguing about not chasing her, you should tell them that she'll run a bit but then turn on them and sink her teeth in. That might do it ("Me-Me-Me, I'll only do something for Me!") (...and then you could rename her "Me-Me-Me-Ow" - get it?) (yeah, I know, but it's late).” Hahahaaha yeah, I could totally try to train her to do that! Actually, I’ve said that plenty of times, and then they usually end up leaving and don’t keep trying. But there are always those “specialists” who say, “Oh come on, she’s totally sweet,” and just keep trying to pet her anyway. But Heidi can really get nasty if you push it too far. So sooner or later they might not have teeth marks on their hand, but they’ll have some very sharp claw marks :D “Blackbirds seem to be especially attracted to fruit, I've noticed (cherries, oranges, lemonquats, melon), whereas the thrushes and other small songbirds as tend to be ground feeders (that hop around instead of walking - always ready for flight in-case of predators) go for seeds, oats, nuts, pasta, rice and orchard fruits (apples, pears).” Oh, I really have to try that with the fruits! ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "You're another Late Bloomer. That's what happens when you get something unorthodox but imperative shoved into your kiddie In-Tray. The stuff you're supposed to be getting on with is getting buried all the time. However, by starting to sift through it late, at least you're doing it when you're wiser, cleverer, faster...so you tend to get through that backlog at surprisingly warp speed, NOT slowly, gradually, like would have done as a kid. AND do a better job. So - six of one, half-a-dozen of the other...everything has Pros and Cons, just different ones. But as you haven't been baked in the same oven as most, that's why you 'look and taste' different and aren't on their life schedules. (In the coming months/years, you might start to notice a lot of your peers seem to be sinking/going backwards while you're late-elevating...which all MEANS that types like you live some of your developmental years now, with not just their adult wisdom, but today's knowledge and technology, etc. And that's actually better, I think, because it's a marathon, not a sprint, meaning, you've not tired yourself out on the first few laps and can sprint the final lap (and win). Likewise, I think this is why older parents are best...sprogging at 35, say. Early 20s is too sodding young. Yeah, you have the energy. But not the brains and wisdom. For starters, our neo-cortex doesn't finish baking until round-about 25. TWEHNNNN-TEEEE-...FIIIIIVE. Kids not should birth and raise kids, innit, or else (think about it) they're being programmed/taught how to be A KID. Kids the in past were far more mature, anyway, precisely BECAUSE they had harder childhoods. You can be TOO cossetted... which is why most people aren't handling the new, tougher times..... don't get me started...)" That’s actually something I’ve thought about myself as well. In many ways I’m still living out my teenage/child self (which I think you should never completely give up anyway). It’s something I really enjoy and love doing. And right now, for exactly that reason, I can’t imagine having a child—I’m still kind of a child myself in some ways :D (and for a thousand other reasons as well). So yes, I also completely agree with you that, in general, parents who become parents later in life are able to handle all of this much better. “So I'm not the first to say that? Who - your Mum 'n Dad? Proving it CAN be done - aye. Me, too. (Leadership quality, that is.) (PS: What's it like, having someone 'see through you' from such a distance, btw? No-one's ever done it to me so I don't know. Seriously - is it spooky? It's not uncomfortable, is it? Or maybe just at-first? Give me your feedback - that'd be really useful.)” Yes, my parents have told me that before, and so has my fiancé. I don’t find it spooky at all that you “see through” me. I actually think it’s really nice to hear that from a complete stranger—how I come across or what someone can “see through.” :) It actually gives me more of a feeling of being understood. "Jeez - "Get a lllliffffe!". That's PATHETIC for Trolling?! :p. One (mainly women's) site I worked on, some Narc posted a snuff video still. (You can imagine how everyone, including me, reacted, can't you. He wasn't expecting me (was too-obviously a woman-basher). Reported him to the Police as well (it's s like throwing acid in people's faces...you can't UN-see it.)) (Probably why we don't do piccies in here. Nor member-member emailing. Just the Chat Room which is likewise moderated (constantly). Them's Narc tools if you let them.)" Oh my god, that’s awful! that kind of thing is absolutely unacceptable… I think it’s really strong and admirable that you reported it straight away! Stuff like that really leaves a mark—you really can’t just “unsee” it. And yes, I also think it makes total sense not to allow pictures or direct email contact here. It just protects everyone and keeps the atmosphere safer. "This was a vital part of you that got suppressed as a kiddie. Whereas - it should have been done in a more discerning, Cherry-picking way (just get rid of the 'rotten' bits) because one's inner animal is more You than you (sense?). Once you're back as a team of two (with you supervising), there'll be no stopping you, you'll really enjoy life again and will feel capable of taking-on and conquering ANYTHING within human reach. (Even Git customers haha.) (Why don't you chase THEM round the surgery and see how THEY like it?!)" How can something like that look when it’s been suppressed? I think I know how that happened to me as a child, but I’d like to understand it better. “I’ve noticed it when I talk to my dad, and it spirals into those discussions we have—I can get really sassy there, more than I ever was." Good. You've raised him. Was waiting for that. :) So what's his reaction? Is he taken‑aback? What does he say/do?" Yeah, you could say he’s shocked :D he either starts justifying himself or acts all sulky and doesn’t say anything at all. “"I heard him mumble something like, 'Oh, she stepped out of bed with the wrong foot,’” (Yep, then – old chap.)” Jup :D Try this one next time: "Que?....Lo siento - no hablo Aleman!" (thwarted or what..."Mmmeh!"). hahaha, I think my strong German accent would give me away - which would make it even funnier XD “Yeah? Right? You're obviously tasty-looking (or were to him, anyway). But yes, it is a violation how most men think they can make unsolicited, judgmental (what if your mum had just died or something!?!) comments to women and girls. Drives me potty. All comes under Over-Entitlement and male-to-female "superiority"-posturing, not to mention a tad Antisocial (eff the social rules, I'll do what I like, when I like).” Oh yes… I’m really sick of that (Fuck Patriarchy). But so often you’re just too perplexed in the moment to react. I once had a patient who kept flirting, but in such a gross, creepy way. He wanted me to recommend what he should wear when doing sports (during rehab), asking me what I’d prefer—if he wore something short or something long… WTF. And then, when he was leaving to go home, he stopped by my office because he needed something and said goodbye with the words, “See you tomorrow, little one,” ewwww! In that moment I was so perplexed that I just said, “Bye, see you tomorrow,” and spent the rest of the day annoyed at myself for not saying anything. Or what also happens a lot: I do the initial anamnesis with new patients, so I also ask about their life situation—single/married, children, next of kin, etc.… and sooo often men are like, “I’m single, and you?” with that flirty look. Then I always say, “I’m definitely not asking out of personal interest, this is my job!” and then they always get a bit offended :D “Have you ever read Andrea Dvjorkin? 'Pornography..Men Possessing Women'?. Your iQ will shoot‑up a good 10 points if you read that. I think it's right up your alley. AND IT IS ALL TRUE AND LOGICAL AND WHAT'S MORE - PREDICTED TODAY'S OUTCOME (boys who are literally incapable of romantic relationships or a sex-life). Thoroughly recommend it” Sounds interesting. I’ll check it out :) "Or maybe I just really need that vacation" No. It's the Light Sabre. It's quite heavy and unwieldy at first - everyone in your past boat has this problem at-first - honestly, don't worry (just apologise a lot).” Hahaha, okay—I guess that’s what a young Padawan does, isn’t it? “Do you want me to give you a list of sneakily clever, tried-and-tested prevention and distraction tactics? (Eff bodily muscles - they ain't no good against a Tiger, are they...whereas the head muscle is....it's King and WHY humans weren't made extinct by predators everywhere.)” Sure! I already have a few things in my repertoire for the pushy ones, but having more is always a good thing :) "I’ve also become sassier towards my boss or her deputy. But they also demand things in a tone that’s completely unacceptable or it’s absolute bullshit, and I call them out on it. I wouldn’t have dared to do that a few months ago." Haha. What've their reactions been like, as well?” My boss was visibly surprised but accepted it as it was. Her deputy, on the other hand, is a bit more stubborn (there’s a general kind of mutual antipathy between us). She recently called me because I had ordered a medication at a doctor’s request and asked me what that was about since it was very expensive. I told her that the doctor wanted it ordered for a patient and so I went ahead and ordered it. (What did she expect? That I would say I ordered it for myself to make work more bearable? The question itself is so stupid) She then said, in a very unpleasant tone, that I should remove it immediately before she finalized the order (since she couldn’t delete it herself). I told her that I wasn’t going to do that right now because I was in the middle of something else and that it needed to be checked with the other doctor who ordered it first anyway. Then she again said in an unfriendly tone that I should remove it immediately. I then said, “No, I won’t—I’ll finish my task here first.” She hung up, and five minutes later she called me again and said that she had spoken with the doctor and I could leave the medication in the order. (No kidding….) "Tread carefully, though. If they're even a bit Iffy, too much alteration in one go can panic the poor dears and make them go all "unnecessary". You've got the rest of your life to practise with said sabre. I mean, you don't want Quentin Tarantino getting wind, and calling you to audition for Kill Bill 4, do you. ;)" Hahaha, yeah, I don’t want that! :D I try to use the force wisely and in good measure. :) "You're a Freelance practitioner, though - right? Not PAYE?" No, I’m normally employed there. “Block her? Or are you too fascinated right now. Fine if you are (you CAN handle it). But tell me - just so's I'm on your same page/route?” No, I don’t want to block her at this point. If she really contacts me again, then definitely. But as I said, I don’t think that’s going to happen. I couldn’t block her anyway—I’ve already deleted her number. “There ALSO speaks a man who, once‑upon‑a‑time, DIDN'T manage to do what you've just done. (Hear it, now I've pointed it out?) (Psst! - if I'm right - he SHOULD tell you, and now, not after you marry. After all, you two might have far more in‑common than you'd thought. And that's important to know and for a bonding shunt (but a legitimate one).)” Could be, I’ll ask him… but I think it was more of an impressed reaction because I finally did it. He often told me, after that proposal thing happened, whenever a message from her came or something happened, that if he were me he would have cut her off a long time ago. I always kind of downplayed it and “protected” her. So I think it was pretty intense for him to see that I went so radical this time. "Slinky later confirmed it herself in her Reddit post, I quote: 'I admitted that I could understand it, but I also explained to her that, due to the short notice, it’s not easy for anyone, and that I also have my reasons. I received her response: “I want to appeal to you, it’s about the other two.” That made me so angry that I just briefly wrote back that I wouldn’t take this detour.'" That. made. her. so. angry. (She's effing mental.) Hahaha, yeah… and that whole post is :D "That’s what Slinky always said when we talked about money and friendship in a group of people." Which bit is what she always says - huh?" That she’s the merciful one who loves to give, but that you subconsciously keep score and eventually notice when you’re being taken advantage of. And then he was always brought up as the negative example. "At what age were you all close friends? If they were a part of your childhood or adolescence – what could be more perfect?...and sod the fact you all lost touch for a few years – it happens! Put more simply, if they were 'formative' – they're qualified. So I don't see a problem. Unless you mean, what if you don't all get on as well as before? Well, you could use the 'formative years' explanation and invite them to be your bridesmaids at the reunion (including the caveat of none of them turning mental on you in the meantime, like Slinky… And TELL them about her, too.) I mean, if that doesn't reacquaint and rebond you and they, instantly, then, I don't know WHAT would. Or, safer: tell them you'd LIKE to be able to ask them all come the time – ergo, 'here's hoping you all still get on like before (clink‑clink!)'. Anyway – you only need ONE bridesmaid? And then, only if you wear a train (long veil)? Go see Lily's thread. She's a GenZ so she and he are having (have had?) a totally original type of wedding. It's your day and fiancé's day. Do it snorkelling if you want (no bridesmaids down there haha). ORR the two of you alone somewhere but with a live video link to them/their phones/PCs?...having sent each of them a wee hamper containing a small bottle of Champagne so you can all toast together‑but‑separately? Don't worry – we'll deal with that IF it happens (s/he said, knowing full‑well it'll become a non‑issue by then)." One of them I’ve known since kindergarten, and I met the others later at school, so I’d say I was about 12–16 with most of them. My fiancé also said, “If you don’t get along with them anymore, I’ll eat a broom” (is there such a saying in English? haha). He said that in the one hour you talked to them, you laughed and vibed more than you ever did with Slinky :D So yes, I’ll let you know how it went :) I think I’ll go with the safer option though—talking about my former toxic friend at the reunion is a bit like talking about your ex on a first date, right? :D I don’t want a big fuss about my wedding. I’d be totally fine with just the two of us getting married and using the saved money to hire a really good photographer to take fun wedding pictures of us at the beach (that’s roughly the plan so far). I’d actually already thought about the live stream idea too, so that my parents can be there :) But there’s still a part of me that would love it if all the people who are important to us could attend. They don’t all have to be my bridesmaids, but I’d love it if they were there. (As for the dress, I definitely don’t want a typical wedding dress, that’s just not me. I’ll just get a nice one that suits me and the beach setting—nothing more needed :)) It’s also going to be a low‑budget wedding. Spending thousands of euros on that is, in my opinion, absolutely ridiculous. "PS: Did you see the Coldplay-camera cheating couple saga, and have you read all the public backlash?" Hahaha, yeah, I saw it. I love how it’s being picked up everywhere and how, at concerts and sports events, people are reenacting the scene when the camera catches them. But it’s also crazy for the people involved that nowadays just a small scene going viral can cause someone to lose their job and everything else—it’s wild. But in the end, it’s their own fault.. cheating and then reacting like that when you get caught—oh oh whoopsie :D "Thought you might want to impart your recent experiences with this newbie? She's got THREE Slinkies at her - or 4, actually! - all at-once!" Oh, I’ve just read it, I’d love to write something about it, but my eyes are about to close :D I just can’t do it today. I’ll try to find some time tomorrow (I still need to pack and tidy up the apartment) or maybe on Monday when I’m on the train :) The rest of the week I probably won’t have time (because it's vacation time whoooohoooo) to read or write anything here. I’ll be back reading and writing again over the coming weekend. See you then :)))

Ooh, you've responded as well! Bear with... - it's Balance, WT51 and then you (I don't want to rush or have to do you all in bits, and miss anything). Be back as quick as I can (as other RL people and sodding contractors will let me). :)

While you're waiting (I'm still wading through too much RL crap!) - I found this for you re our side-convo about Slinky's "engagement" and the massive piece of evidence we have, that it's been coerced (to compete with you; so as not to fall into the 'inferior' position; to steal your thunder, eeeet-cetera!)): _________________________________________________________________________ ( https://www.msn.com/en-gb/lifestyle/relationships/four-signs-your-proposal-was-just-a-shut-up-ring/ar-AA1Jwpv8?ocid=msedgdhp&pc=U531&cvid=488c4e12164e4adeed8bcaf174e3ccdc&ei=24) The warning signs you’ve been given a shut up ring: - Your partner popped the question after you verbalised that you needed a sign of a commitment, usually after a big argument or some kind of conflict. - There’s no joy or happiness around the proposal and ******your partner won’t share the news with their family or friends******. - Your partner becomes avoidant when the engagement or wedding is mentioned. - Your partner has no inclination to discuss marriage plans or the future. ((Yeah, that reminds me: what year have they supposedly set or are aiming for? And what research had they done or begun?)) __________________________________________________________________________ (wiggles eyebrows expectantly at CN :D)

Bumpety-bump! :)

PS: While you're waiting you can reply to my last post about Slinky tho. as that's a side-story. If you want. :)

Also while you're waiting...just wanted to share my DESPAIR at this!... https://www.msn.com/en-gb/family-and-relationships/parenting/mom-shares-daughter-s-comical-reaction-after-dad-devours-entire-lollipop/vi-AA1K1tl2 Comical reaction? COMICAL REACTION?! W. T. S. F. 'Whaddawewant?' / 'Parenting Licenses!' / 'Whendawewannem?' / 'NNNNNOOOOWWW!'. How old is he? Thirteen?! ZERO understanding or even empathy in-memoriam of how devastating that is to a tiny kid! Or maybe he does and he's just a bully. And a mother that's more interested in capturing good footage than reacting LIKE A LO-VINNNG MO-THERRRRRRRRR! Makes me furious.

Alright I’m Back :) Here’s a quick update on how vacation went and I will tell you everything about that Slinky thing you found :) So vacation first: IT WAS AMAZING! And I already want to go back :D We had one perfect-weather day, sitting in a beach basket, watching the waves slowly retreat as the tide went out. It was so peaceful, just us, the sound of the sea, and a few ships in the distance we spotted with our binoculars. (The astronomy part didn’t work out because of cloudy skies, sadly.) The rest of the days were cloudy or rainy, but still fine for being outside… except for one day where it poured so hard and was so windy that monsoon-like bursts of rain came down. That day we stayed in the apartment, and I started a new book: Die Insel der tausend Leuchttürme (The Island of a Thousand Lighthouses) by Walter Moers. He’s a German author I really like, and I think some of his books are also available in English. The book was perfect for the setting. It’s about Hildegunst von Mythenmetz or Optimus Yarnspinner in english, who travels to the remote island of Eydernorn for a health retreat to treat his “book-dust allergy.” The island is famous for its 111 elaborate lighthouses (often poetically called “a thousand”), each part of a mysterious and ancient tradition. As he explores, Hildegunst writes letters to his friend Hachmed Ben Kibitzer, describing quirky customs, bizarre animals, and the islanders’ curious dialect and habits. I’m so excited to keep reading, it will definitely keep my North Sea vibes going for a while. We also cycled along the coast, sooo relaxing. We saw so many animals: lots of birds, deer and horses in the fields, and even some rabbits sitting by the bike path. At the harbor, I spotted the biggest seagull I’ve ever seen, easily twice the size of a normal one. As I was waiting for my fiancé, a drunk guy stopped, saw it too, and yelled: “WOOOOAHHH, THIS IS A BIIIIIG OOONE!” in that special way only drunk people can. I had to laugh so hard :D One evening we went to a pub, had some beers, and played darts and billiards. We connected with a couple who’d been playing before us, and after a few rounds together, we all went to another bar, which to our surprise had karaoke! In this city, almost every place closes early, so it’s rare to find somewhere to stay out longer. Apparently, you just have to know where to go :D. This bar was really fun, they even had cat videos playing on a TV. We wanted to stay longer, but we already had a trip to Helgoland booked for the next morning, so we left after an hour. Now we know where to spend another evening next time! ******Triggerwarning emetophobia******* And then there was the most adventures thing ive done in the past few years. Visiting Helgoland (which is Germany's only offshore island and is located 65km from the coast where we set off). The trip almost didn’t happen because the weather was too bad the day before. I expected ours would be cancelled too, but nope, we were going! We both woke up with slight hangovers (great thing to have before a 70-minute boat trip… not), so we prepared: ate breakfast, drank plenty of water, and tried travel sickness tablets. At first, boarding felt fine, cloudy sky, a bit of wind, nothing dramatic. We found our seats, ordered something to drink, and I was quietly optimistic. But the moment we left the safety of the harbor/Elbe and the open sea hit us, the whole atmosphere changed. More clouds rolled in, the rain started, and the first bigger waves lifted the boat in that way where your stomach stays behind for a second. I was like “yeeah funny haha,” and my fiancé was gripping the seat like “OMG we’re all gonna die,” as the ship began moving like a rollercoaster. He got really scared there. I tried to calm him down, gave him my acupressure ring (which I always carry for panic attacks, haven’t needed it in months now), and kept talking to distract him. But the waves kept growing, and I could see his face going pale. He swallowed hard, glanced toward the back, and said, “I can’t… I have to move.” So we went to the ship’s stern where the toilets were. Back there, the movement felt heavier, you could really feel the boat drop and rise, but at least there were handrails and fewer people. While I was holding onto the railing, an older man from Switzerland struck up a conversation with my fiancé who went to the toilets. He was calm and reassuring, sharing some tips and small talk to help with the panic side of things. I could see it helped, his shoulders loosened a little, and the panicked breathing slowed down. But as soon as that eased, the seasickness hit full force. He suddenly hurried into the bathroom, and from that moment on, he couldn’t leave. I stood just outside, holding tightly onto a metal bar as each wave made the floor tilt under my feet. Every few minutes I peeked in to check on him. His hair was damp with cold sweat, he really did not look well. He told me he felt like he was going to pass out, but couldn’t even sit down because he had to keep leaning over. Around us, it wasn’t just him, 10, maybe 15 other passengers were also bent over sinks or toilets. The sound of retching and the constant crash of waves against the hull became the soundtrack of that ride. I wanted to stay with him, but I could feel the motion sickness creeping into my own stomach without a view of the horizon. I told him I needed to go back out for air and a visual fix point, he nodded, waved me off, and I returned to my spot near a window, watching the ocean rise and fall. I checked on him every 5–10 minutes, bringing water and making sure he was still conscious. The remaining 45 minutes felt endless. When we finally reached Helgoland (I just realised that Helgoland writes Heligoland in english LOOOL, well too late xD), he stumbled out of the bathroom, pale, exhausted, but still on his feet. I was so relieved to have solid ground under us, even if, funnily enough, that’s when I started feeling queasy myself. We skipped eating and just had some soda before heading out to explore. *****End of Triggerwarning***** We only had four hours there, and despite still being exhausted and queasy, he pushed through everything with me, walking to all the sightseeing points, taking photos together, and not once complaining. I was so impressed that he just pulled it off despite everything. I would have had to be scraped off the ground somewhere at the harbor just in time for the return trip if I'd puked my guts out like he did! The island was stunning, standing there, seeing nothing but water in every direction, was breathtaking. We both got really quiet and thoughtful. Neither of us wanted to get back on that boat, but after one last hour exploring and something to eat, it was time. Luckily, the return trip was 100 times calmer. He had another pill, which worked much better, no puking, though he still felt unwell. We sat with a younger couple and started talking. The girl was also seasick and suggested going on deck for fresh air. At first he didn’t want to (flashbacks to the trip there), but when it got worse with his sickness, I suggested it again and he agreed. I’m so proud he did, I know he was scared. And it actually helped! By the time we could see the far-off coastline and all the cargo ships, he was even enjoying it. When we left the boat, several people he’d met while sick on the way over recognized him and high-fived him for making it back. It was such a wholesome moment. After all, it was worth it, but we agreed we’d wait a while before another boat trip :D The rest of our days in Cuxhaven we cycled, sat on the beach when it wasn’t raining, and even drank beer and cocktails at a beach bar while it poured. We ate really well, had a lot of great conversations, and plenty of times where we just sat together in silence. I really loved this vacation. Sadly, it’s over, and reality and all the responsibilities hit us like a truck when we got back, but at least we had that one week to breathe :) __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Slinky: “-Your partner popped the question after you verbalised that you needed a sign of a commitment, usually after a big argument or some kind of conflict.” While I can't confirm it with certainty, that’s what I assume happened. “- There’s no joy or happiness around the proposal and ******your partner won’t share the news with their family or friends******.” I can imagine either that she told him not to say anything because she wanted to tell me herself. As for whether she said anything to family, I really can’t say. But I do know now that he shared his plan to propose with one of his former coworkers in my clinic. He didn’t say a word about it to us, or to me personally. But then again, we never really talked one-on-one, only during couple hangouts or when I was doing something with Slinky and he happened to be there too. That’s when we ended up chatting. But my fiancé was in the same position as him, and he just texted Slinky and included her directly. Now that I think about it, he did message us from time to time for her birthdays, invited us into a group chat to discuss getting a joint present for her, or to ask if we’d already gotten her something. “- Your partner becomes avoidant when the engagement or wedding is mentioned.” Can’t say much about that. I just don’t know. “- Your partner has no inclination to discuss marriage plans or the future. ((Yeah, that reminds me: what year have they supposedly set or are aiming for? And what research had they done or begun?))” I can’t say much about that either. I only found out through Spotify that they’re apparently planning for next year. A shared playlist randomly popped up for me, and while trying to remove any connection there, I started looking into how to get rid of her from my Spotify – and stumbled upon her playlists. One of them was called 'Wedding 2026'. But I think I’ll find out when the time comes. I still follow one of her friends on Instagram – someone we used to hang out with a few times together. I already removed her follow on my account though, so she can’t pass on any info about me to Slinky. Looks like maybe she’s the new favorite toy, at least they're suddenly doing a lot together compared to before. I’ve already seen that they went to a bar together once and also to this newly opened café where you can make your own bracelets. Funny enough, I actually wanted to go there with M. at some point too. (THANK YOU, UNIVERSE, FOR SENDING HER THERE BEFORE US. That definitely wouldn’t have ended well hahaha.) All I really know is what she wants for her wedding. Back when we once talked about marriage and stuff I said that I’d never really thought about my Wedding before, and that I didn’t want a big or traditional wedding. She was like, 'Whaaat, really?! I want the full fairytale. Lots of guests, a three-tier cake, a stunning dress.' She also said she wanted to spend a lot of money on it. Oh, and that reminds me, shortly after I said yes, she asked me: 'So, who’s going to be your bridesmaid?' And I immediately went: 'Uhm, you – if you want to, of course.' She was like, 'Oooh really?!' (At that moment, I was fully aware that she only asked because she wanted to be the one. And I also knew that if I said something like 'I don’t know yet,' it would spark the next argument… maybe not right away, but in a few weeks or months. And of course, back then I somehow wanted her to be that person. I didn’t have any other person I was that close to. It’s honestly wild to look back on that dynamic now) and then just a few days later, she already started asking what I wanted and what she should organize. She got really disappointed when I told her that I first wanted to talk it through with my fiancé, that we weren’t really planning a big wedding anyway and probably wouldn’t need help organizing much. I also said we just wanted to enjoy being engaged for now and didn’t feel the need to rush into the whole wedding thing. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ “Also while you're waiting...just wanted to share my DESPAIR at this!... How old is he? Thirteen?! ZERO understanding or even empathy in-memoriam of how devastating that is to a tiny kid!” Yes, it's total lack of empathy, and people even laugh about it. It reminds me of that egg-cracking “trend” where moms broke eggs on their kids’ heads for views, do you know that? That was physical, this isn’t. But emotionally, it's just as cruel. “Makes me furious.” This also really sends me. And just the fact that people show their kids so shamelessly on the internet in general… I’ll never understand that.

Oh, forgot to add this: ““There ALSO speaks a man who, once‑upon‑a‑time, DIDN'T manage to do what you've just done. (Hear it, now I've pointed it out?) (Psst! - if I'm right - he SHOULD tell you, and now, not after you marry. After all, you two might have far more in‑common than you'd thought. And that's important to know and for a bonding shunt (but a legitimate one).) Could be, I’ll ask him… but I think it was more of an impressed reaction because I finally did it. He often told me, after that proposal thing happened, whenever a message from her came or something happened, that if he were me he would have cut her off a long time ago. I always kind of downplayed it and “protected” her. So I think it was pretty intense for him to see that I went so radical this time.” I asked my fiancé about why he seemed so surprised that I told M. everything and so radically cut things off with Slinky that night. He said he just hadn’t expected me to trust M. that much and tell her everything right away and that’s what surprised him. And also like I said he was a bit impressed that this is the final hard cut now :)

I've never ridden on a boat before, but that sounds like an unfortunate experience for your fiance. I flew on an airplane for the first time ever a few years ago, and though I think I could do it again if I had to, I didn't love it. I suspect I would like boats more, but then I also suspect I could be prone to the Ocean's motion-sickness. I guess I would rather be on the water than high up in the sky. Your vacation sounds like the sort of quaint adventure one would hope for on an excursion like that. I'm frankly jealous, I wish I'd gotten to do something like that this year! : P Did you know the local languages, or was that not something necessary for your trip? Younger me was always so fascinated with the world and wanted to travel. I guess as the years go on reality sets in and you realize that's something only the wealthy usually get to accomplish, lol.

With you asap...

Hey Balance :) Yeah, this holiday really felt like an adventure. (That said, I’ve been working for 3 days again and already feel like I need dolphin therapy and a 3-month vacation :D) I didn’t have to adjust to any new language since it was still in the same country. There’s a difference in the language, tough. Like in the south where I grew up, in a Swabian/Baden dialect area, the main language is Hochdeutsch (High German) just with some changed words, pronunciation or sayings. Up there, most people speak a northern dialect, and some still speak another German language called Plattdeutsch (Low German), which is essentially a separate language. I can understand most of it, but sometimes it’s different enough that you need to look it up. That said, almost nobody speaks in full Low German anymore, it’s usually just certain words or expressions mixed into everyday speech. Even the greetings change a bit, in my region it’s “Servus,” “Hallo” (like “Hello”) or “Grüß Gott” (literally “Greet God”), while in the north you’ll hear “Moin” (a casual, all-day greeting similar to “Hi”). We don’t always need to travel far. If it’s not the beach, it might be a forest or camping by a lake. In the past, we’ve also taken weekend trips to nearby cities, and it’s surprising how refreshing even a short break can be :) This Vacation was also very affordable. We booked almost a year in advance, then saved up for food and activities over time. Instead of a hotel, we chose an Airbnb with a kitchen, so we could cook our own meals and spend more on experiences. Yeah, I know what you mean. I would also love to explore the world and travel to other countries, even outside of Europe. We’re absolutely not fans of flying either. Personally, I definitely prefer ships. It’s similar for my fiancé, even though he’s not too keen on boarding a ship anymore either... We’re really glad that within Europe you can reach so many places by train. But that’s also really expensive. We definitely have to save longer to be able to afford a vacation abroad. Well, so that’s surely not going to happen in the next few years, for that, we’d also need a solution for my parents’ care. ___________________________________________________________________ Oh, that said @Soul: we’re actually at it again right now, trying to convince my father to finally apply for a care level (also for Mom). We checked with a social services office again, and unfortunately, there’s really nothing that can be done without his consent. So he has to apply for it himself. Just convincing him to even take a look at it and making him realize that he’s actually in need of care was exhausting (as always)… But he’s going to look into it, and we’ll keep pushing. At least I think he might apply for a care level for my mother. We’ll see... Otherwise, he might just have to find out what it means when we stop helping. Also, how lucky I am to have such a caring man! He has my back and even steps in to say something to him when he senses that I’m on the edge of losing my nerves (you know that feeling when you just want to shake someone so hard so they FINALLY wake up and face real life?)

In the US we actually have a lot of different dialects, though I wasn't aware of that until a few years ago, just how many distinct ways of speaking English can exist. When I was much younger, I had this fascination with France. Then when I got a little older it became an interest in Japan. I never had a realistic way of ever going to any of these other places, so it just sort of remained an interest of mine. I think the UK is where I am most interested in visiting, and it also wouldn't have quite the same language-barrier as other places, though the dialects would take much getting used to. There is a lot to see here just in the states, and I guess up until a few years ago I was more interested in seeing that. Do you ever feel disappointed when you go new places because you envisioned meeting this or that sort of person, and you never really encounter anybody like that and so you feel like people are pretty much the same everywhere? I guess these concepts of other states and other countries can give you hope or wonder about the world beyond your region. I still can't help thinking about places in terms of the women I could potentially meet there. Even now that I'm over 2 years into a relationship. I had a buddy say once that you should want to go to a new place because of your own personal interest in it, but not so much for the women. And I kind of agree. You should have an interest in that particular place. But maybe a big part of my interest is women. But it can be fun to imagine this sort of Anthony Bourdainish life where I could get to experience other cultures and societies, and maybe actually be liked by the people there. Or at the very least, tolerated.

"I still can't help thinking about places in terms of the women I could potentially meet there. Even now that I'm over 2 years into a relationship. I had a buddy say once that you should want to go to a new place because of your own personal interest in it, but not so much for the women. And I kind of agree. You should have an interest in that particular place. But maybe a big part of my interest is women." Balance! I loved that! That last line. Brilliant! Made me spit my coffee (luckily back into the cup)! Even made me forget I've spent the last fortnight trying not to die, meanwhile permanently covered in a film of sweat (etc.)! ...Too funny. :D

But in all seriousness - Yeah, maybe it is? It's still a legitimate interest? It is, after all, WHY YOU'RE HERE... to pair up with your nearest-to-ideal(-for-you)? Can't get more legit than that. Once you have a relationship that makes you feel SAFE, finally - that's when you start to take an interest in things outside of yourself, in combo with yourself and your existing talents and potential, and start building your personal empire. And you don't feel safe at work so you really must at home. It'll all click into place, don't worry. NOTHING stays the same. While you're abiding, something from outside is bound to rush in (when you least expecting it). But, when forced to take the slow road - at least you get to prepare properly and thoroughly: no regrets. No Regrets + a Clean Conscience is priceless. And brings Contentment. Which is the stepstool to momentary or longer-lasting Happinesses. It's all good in the hood.

Heya! How's your heatwave? "A teacher of mine used to say that rain is liquid sunshine. I always thought it was so cute when she said that :D" I love that! "By the way, I looked up what Fluffy’s breed looks like. And yes, the name definitely suits her :)) " Oh, yeah, baby - I may strike as bonkers, but I assure you, there is always-always great method in my madness, haha. Reminds me of a joke (80s...probably not very good, but, it's too hot to care, haha)... "There's this Red Indian tribe...and, whenever a new baby is born, the Tribe Elder, whose job it is to name his tribe members, carries the baby into the wilderness and then returns hours later with a name. One day, out of intrigue, this adolescent Brave follows the Tribe Elder to find out how he does it. The Elder spots him though, stops and spins around.... "Why you follow me?" The Brave admits, "I just want know secret of how you manage all these years to come up with sooo many new names!' "Oh, that no mystery", says the Elder. "It simple...I cary baby to highest ledge on yonder mountain and, first thing I see, I name baby after. For example: I see eagle flying? Baby named Flying Eagle. I see Thunder coming? Baby named Angry Sky........... Surely you could have guessed, Two Dogs F**king?" :D (?) Fluffy's getting bolder and bolder, btw. :) I'm going to do this in batches cos the laptop feels ucking hoooooot and increases my sweating! Need to take thigh breaks! Back in 5....

Not 5, but I'm back... ..."sometimes even just when she heard me coming :(." Yep - exact same with Fluffy at-first. Oh yeah...reckon our cats have that in-common...were betrayed and had their hearts broken in the worst way (neglect) ....trust smashed, made to feel like they didn't matter (ooh...not JUST the cats, eh!) (But then, Narcs secretly detest ANY creature with needs!) Well, they must feel like they died and went to Heaven, with a couple of bend-over-backwards merchants like us, eh! Seriously, I have never had a cat like her, including her incredible affectionate-ness. And I've never had a cat I've wanted to spoil so much (with good food, I mean...a variety of three things, usually). She spends minutes (hours to a cat) nuzzling my forehead and now my cheeks and chin (I come away with a fluff-covered face...good job she's worth it). There again, I AM a champion cat-stroker and massager so... (lol). What are your special talents in Heidi's eyes, do you think? You and I are super cat trainers both, by the sounds! Reckon Marpip could train an abandoned cat. Not sure yet about new poster Confused123 - whadjafink? ;) They are such life-improvers, though, aren't they. IF you're in it heart-first, I mean. I wonder if what Bal needs is a cat/kitten? (What dya think, Bal, if you're reading?) You still have to take them walkies, though. Just not on a lead. Comes a point in bonding (which Fluffy's just started doing this month) where you just walk around your garden or (come even deeper bonding) to your corner-shop and they just follow closely behind you ("Meeeeee aaaand myy shaaaa-dow...lalala..."). HELP ME CN, I'M TOO HOOOOT! Sorry for that outburst but, methinks I'll have to get back in the pool again in a min. Trouble is, it only refreshes me for about 30 mins and then it's Hell again. I think I need one of those old-fashioned-Moroccan sunken baths in my living-room floor. There again...best NOT to mix typing on your laptop on the edge of a pool... __________________ Yeah - your vacation sounds like it was a real experience all-round! Talk about eventful! :D No more boats, then. Of ANY size! You couldn't be illegal immigrants, then, could you, haha. (soz - Black Humour) Nor could I. Giant Ferry - small row boat - catermaran....probably lilo if I went out on one....all turn me Green and have me begging to be handed a gun (like artificial-Ripley in Aliens: "Just kill me!"). Don't like flying, either. Not over 4 hours. Preferably less. I need a giant drone. With straps (obvs). And a seat. And an air-hostess (just the one - I'm not greedy). Oh, for a helicopter. I'll bet they're fun. Probably cost tens of millions, though. Reminds me: Read a fantastic 'faction' book about Chickenhawk pilots during the Vietnam war...called Chickenhawk, imaginitively enough. Factually interesting re how to fly one (oh, yeah, author-come-main-character gives you theoretical lessons as he goes!), AND 'interpersonally' riveting all the way through, it was (the soldiers, his friends, and the rescue missions). I'd put it on a par with Full Metal Jacket, that's for-sure. But I don't recall any gore. (Didn't need it.) I'm really rambly tonight. Trouble concentrating, I think. (Snot fair...Summer should be fun, not torturous, meh meh giant-meh.) _____________________ Intermission.....(pool - gasp!) (This is RIDICULOUS, though. WTF have we (Royal we! - I never drop litter!) done to this poor planet! No wonder it's trying to slow-grill us all to-death! So the eff would I!)

..."Oh, such a shame that the telescope (and the other stuff) went missing. Covid? Was it stored somewhere too long because of Covid and then just evaporated into thin air? I hope you got some kind of compensation or something for it." No. I was too knackered. It'd taken me 4 years of sleeping only 4 hours per night, trying to keep my house showroom clean in and out at all times (viewers had too much power - weren't giving enough notice) whilst also holding down a job and still adequately attending to my son (main custodian), which (frantic house-repairs and improvements) all came straight on the back of massive heartbreak into disappointment into UGH (boot!)... And then hitting the Spanish ground, running...and running just to stand still ever since. Basically, I fckn NEED a holiday, aka just NO CONTRACTORS AND PROBLEMS! It's the heat. Makes things go Pleugh or Pop-Fizzle-Bang! Every Summer it's been the same. But the very extreme temps that cause the chaos make seeing to the problem screechingly difficult to deal with and endure weeks of waiting time for. However! The happy news is, my UK bestie and next-doorsie, who used to live in Spain and adores high heat (Iranian blood, I reckon) wants to come visit in November to see if they like it enough to either visit frequently and regularly (half working/helping, half holiday). That would definitely help considerably because along with the bigger stuff is the petty stuff, like having a seriously heavy coffee table that needs two to shift (so I can remove and clean the rug)....that sort of thing. And the moral support. The friends over here have turned out to be unreliable or not in a POSITION to be relied upon. (It's leaking out, the fact that Spain isn't in anywhere near as good a state as it would have the rest of the world believe.) (They shoulda just asked me!) (Ooh, maybe it was me who started it? After all, I've been mentioning it/complaining a lot on here since...my first year, actually. ...Oooh. ....HAHA!)

Sorry if this is all over the place. I keep losing my place in your responses so apologies if I'm 'all over the place'... Here, maybe this level of heat is why Spaniards live longer, as well as the known one of the Med diet! In these temps, ones body/entire system is doing SERIOUS non-stop Anaerobics. It must surely toughen one up and make one even stronger? Stands to reason... that and the sea air... Whoops, floating off again.. Where was I?... "She did find Heidi cute as well," Then exhale. Because THAT..is all you need to know. She won't be getting rid of her. :) Plus, she's not BLIND, is she. She can see for herself how much the majority of patients love having a cat about the place...makes it feel more friendly and homely. Good for biz! Especially the kids: 'Time for your doctor's appointment!'... I'll bet 'Meeeh' has turned into 'Yayyy!' because of Heidi. Bet you anything you like. And that the parents are saying 'Time for your doctor's appointment and to see Heidi!'. The Power Of Cats. They're the opposite of Narcs, if you think about it, so of course they'd be great therapy for us empaths too! A Narc relationship or whatever type, starts-off brilliantly but then goes imperceptibly, steadily yet too rapidly, downhill. DOWN-downhill! Well! If you think about it - we do have a cat thread now. THIS ONE. :))))))))) ((Weirdly Baby-voice, please) "Curmmme in-too the (whiskery) laight, Chil-drey-en....Awwll are weyell-cuuuummmm!" - name the 80s American horror film!) ___________________________ "Darwin was right after all ;))" Very well put! Oh, and btw - that pulsing signal that's been taken for comms from an alien craft since the 60s(?). Turns out it's a White Dwarf. If you ask me: WE are the aliens. We needed a physical form when needing a new planet, spotted the branch of apes with opposable thumbs (to which we beans owe everything), 'flew' into the newborns, and it's THEY that are "the Soul". Hence you get constant conflict between what the Ape wants and what the Alien knows is more intelligent OR VICE VERSA....coming out with phrases like, 'I didn't mean that' (to which I always say - Then who did? Father bleedin' Christmas? Whassee doing in there anyway? Did you eat him? (etc).) (I'm a right b*gger, I am. ...B*gger and Proud, haha.) Where were we this time?.... (Scroll-scroll) Ah-hah!... "How can something like that look when it’s been suppressed? I think I know how that happened to me as a child, but I’d like to understand it better." Well, that's for YOU to say. We can start with how it made you too inhibited to put a steadily sh*t pretend-friend in her place - right? Or to trust all the little red flags back when they occurred? She had you over a barrel, which was called, I need a sister/sibling-figure. Right? You were a bit ashamed of being feisty...which is WHY you more recently feel Empowered - right? Take it from there. Just guess if you have to. It probably won't be a blind guess anyway. But you can change your mind if you then stumble on the closer truth/etiology. Basically, you just need to unpack your life luggage and get rid of the crud whilst keeping the right/correct stuff in terms of what you were taught were "the rules" as far as you were concerned. E.g. you were taught to be polite back, even when the other person was a giant ahole - right? Despite that went against your instinct to 'give 'em What For' back - right? Because we can plainly see - you can bite back really sassily and with wit. So if you were BORN with that - who clucked it out of you as you grew-up? So you're chucking out that "rule" because you now know that being polite back to aholes just "feeds the monster" and makes them grow bigger and bigger. To trust your instincts, all you have to do is KISS: keep it simple, stupid. "Is the Light-to-Dark Ratio of this Jekyll & Hyde type at least 70%/30%?". Or even more simply? "Is this union making me overall feel happy and like I matter to them or am I constantly feeling frustrated and short-changed". Then there's the other yardstick: "If I won the lottery tomorrow, would I keep her/him in my life?". The very best one, though, I think, is this: "If I was my own best friend, would I be thrilled to have me?". If the answer's yes, you can CEASE looking at yourself in-case you're at fault. Second best is: Are they a drain or a radiator? (You want radiators...obvs)

Or maybe your sass wasn't clucked out - maybe it was an event, which saw you punished, and hit home 'indelibly', enough to have had the same weight and result as would have amassed via years of said intermittent clucking? These things can be drip-drip or SPLOSH! Or a combo of the two. I can't join dots if the past, 'partner' dot is missing from the dots I do have. So it's for you to say ORRRRRRR ...to spill. ("Dtell me aboudt yurr child-hoodt...." LOL)

I reckon you ARE going to have kid, but will be (i.e. only SEEM to be!) a slightly older mum, and that (for biologically-factual as well as baggage-sifting reasons) you'll stay fertile for longer than the average woman. Cats/pets are baby substitutes or practise-babies, see. Your actions give you away. AND me! I definitely am gagging for a grandkid!

Soz - didn't finish my sentance: "to either visit frequently and regularly (half working/helping, half holiday)." OR move into the guest end and take regular visits back to (Y)UK instead. We got on famously and have kept in high touch this whole time (they couldn't afford to come out until now) so I know it would work. Haha, the amount of times I've looked at Fluffy and said, 'Oh, if only you were a giant cat and could help me carry this in!" ...the food shopping, usually...it's all big family and jumbo packs around here so it's masses of heavy bagfuls just for a basic shop and, with the heat you can't bear to be in, of course the temptation is to carry four bags in each hand. Plus at the check-outs, they go too fast whereby you're holding up the queue as you pack, so feel pressured to hurry (where your face starts dripping in sweat til you can't see what you're packing!)... And then there's the putting everything away. Supermarket shopping in Spain as a single person should be a sodding Olympic sport! Anyhoo...I don't mind things that keep me fit, but not that pull my muscles or necessitate gritting my teeth and making UUUUURGHFFF! noises as I struggle. Can I stay here, zat is ze qvuestion (for me)... Well, if I do move, Fluffy's coming with me, that's for bloody certain. Right, time to put out the bird food before the mozzies come out! Back in a tick or two...

...Ugh - June Beetles... in your hair - ugh, no! If something got in my hair, it most likely wouldn't find its way out again! And I'd be buried with it. And centuries later, someone would dig me up, find the beetle fossil attached to my fossilised skull, and conclude, 'Ah...the Homo Crapians wore insects in their hair, as adornment!' Flying Ants. That's another Ugh, but with a "ff" on the end - Ughff. Ants should NOT turn into miniature, creepy birds, ooh nooo. You should hear the crickets here when the humidity peaks. It's so loud you wouldn't believe it! Right...what else jumped out at me... (I don't think I can get everything addressed tonight so I'll save certain points for next time, but I am reading and noting all of it). "Sure! I already have a few things in my repertoire for the pushy ones, but having more is always a good thing :)" One of my faves is to point (arm at half-mast) at them and ask - "You f*ck-offie?" And when they say, 'Pardon?!', I say it straight, loudly: "I said - You for coffee?", while making a twiddling motion beside my ear with my fingers and mouthing audibly, 'TUURN IT UUUUUUP. (Told ya I'm a bugger. But there is nothing like taking the piss as Kryptonite to these - sorry, but - DENSE individuals (because they're lazy-minded/over-entitled, can't be bothered to work mentally that hard for their perks/'entitlements').) The other thing, similar to the Que one - start ranting, all offended and outraged, at them in mock Cantonese. They won't know, hahaha. Just think of all the chinese you've heard on the telly and go for it: "Yaaaa, mai no CHEE-CHING (finger-stab)", etc. And don't forget the "Hwooooars" here and there (as in, I should slap you one, I should!). The fact you're clearly NOT Chinese, let alone Cantonese, I find, COMPLETELY dumbfounds all Iffies and Niffies....like you've pressed their Pause button. They just blank-stare at you, completely lost for words and with no clue how to react or respond! It's what I keep TELLING everyone. The most powerful tool an empath has is their sense of humour, their wit (especially sarcasm). Because the secret opponent DOESN'T. You need (what now?!) - FULL EMPATHY and the ability to relate for that! .......*Owned*. There's making Lemonade out of Lemons and then there's THAT. (Champers, dwahlings.) I'll trawl through my mental albums of when I was at my most 'wittily, one-liner, strike-you-dead mouthy' when it's a bit cooler and I can string a memory and paragraph together (gaaaah)...(super-humid...trying to rain, which is 2 days earlier than forecast, what a surprise)...

But - back to lack of empathy means lack of SOH (and why women fancy funny men, no matter their looks league): You may THINK your Narc can't be such, because you've already witnessed them telling jokes. But usually, they're just copying someone whom they saw tell it and get a great reaction - which means, if you play dumb and actually question them over why the joke's funny, they won't be able to, and will likely quickly create a diversion (conversational or physical, like dropping their wineglass). Or they'll say, 'Yeah - right!, 'you don't get it', pff...'. But if you insist you don't - so can't they just tell you?....No?....Why ever not?...... - watch them squirm (and secretly seethe whilst in their heads marking you out for later murder LOL...unless you acted dumb really convincingly so that they're not quite sure enough).

"“See you tomorrow, little one,” ewwww! In that moment I was so perplexed that I just said, “Bye, see you tomorrow,” and spent the rest of the day annoyed at myself for not saying anything." No - you did the right thing in ignoring it and just acting natural back. If they're THAT patently that degree of iffy and creepy on FIRST MEETING - and especially acting the opposite of appropriately for the situation and your earned superiority in that role - you don't want to give them ANYTHING to work with, ANY reaction whatsoever. ("Thlup!"). Next time, set Zero Tolerance and have the person removed from your surgery immediately. His full-on behaviour was a red flag of a dangerous social and sexual predator. He's practised that for YEARS to get to the level he's degenerated to today/with you. Same as rapist don't suddenly wake up one morning and think, Today I'm going to rape someone. They start off with Inappropriate Behaviour that isn't even hidden or conducted purely behind closed doors (albeit your incident does count as *semi* behind closed doors) (AND grossly inappropriate as well as downright disrespectful!). Now listen up about what that proves... SEE? THERE IS NOTHING WRONG AND EVERYTHING RIGHT WITH YOUR GUT INSTINCTS! Get back into the habit you had as a child, of listening and doing as they say (or even suggest), the minute they say. If you don't feel safe or comfortable, use your right to BLOW THAT WHISTLE FOR ALL YOU'RE WORTH to summon back-up. Guess whom statistically is The most abused type of person in the world. Answer: Therapists! Of any kind. Which obviously includes you! Did you know that? (Ooh, just remembered another common bat-back when a stranger acts like you're public property. "Cheer up!...It might never happen!, hur-hur". Me (neither audibly enough nor inaudibly): "It just fckn did". Or (all straight-faced): "No, I can't smile...not since the accident". I still think the "No hablo Aleman!" one is the funniest AND most versatile, though. And yes, damn right it's funnier with a German accent - precisely!....... Intermission Time again... (need to eat something while it's a bit cooler)...

"Yeah, you could say he’s shocked :D he either starts justifying himself or acts all sulky and doesn’t say anything at all." Mission 'Natural Order' (belated) is well underway (thumbs-up!). Won't be long NAHH-OWWWWWWWW (- that last bit to be sung)! Start investigating care homes - where they can be taken in together as a couple, in one of those sheltered, assisted housing complexes (assuming you have them?). Not because you're suddenly going to do anything about it. But to de-sensitize you in-time for when you have to. I.e. get over it before it even happens. __________________________________ "But do you still want to go back someday? Even if it’s maybe just for a visit? I’ve felt for what seems like forever that I really want to travel to London or Cardiff, Bristol, Brighton. Maybe in the next few years :) Those cities are supposed to be so beautiful, I’d really love to see them." Brighton. Definitely Brighton. It's beautiful these days cos a load of Spaniards have moved there and prettied up all the allies with typical Spanish hanging pots and baskets from balconies, etc., and the council crystal-clearly purified the water (stopped dumping sewage?) to make it more attractive to tourists because I went there a couple of years before leaving UK and - no bull - the seawater was, for the first time since I'd ever known the place (since a nipper), the colour of a Blue Slush Puppy! It was a-maaa-zing - I didn't even know it COULD be that colour in England! Previously, it had been typically English-beach Green-Brown (ew!...now we know it's NOT just the fault of the dark brown sand on the seabed!). Brilliant place...where all the creatives and artists live. Art galleries galore - even in people's front living-rooms along the terraced houses just back from the pavement! Brilliant pier! Loads to do. Superb vibe. Fab restaurants and unique boutique shops selling really cool, unique stuff. Also, loads of really good street entertainers. One of my fave days out, Brighton. As for me - no. Not yet. Plus all my UK friends are telling me to stay in Spain cos the cost of living in UK is getting out of hand (plus the usual shite weather). Thing is, though, I'm no longer sure Spain is cheaper. Things here have gone up considerably, too. But - not yet. I have a hunch it could upset or discombobulate me. I think I might try to move back to where the ex-spouse and I had our holiday home. They were nicer and more intelligent there...hence choosing that side of the costa for our holiday home, rather than where my parents and other rellies had been living. And it's where my regular bar-restaurant is situated. And my fave beach. So it makes sense. Shame though. This house and location is stunningly beautiful. But Spain's contractors are too thin on the ground or too slow for even a medium project; I think I'd need to be an actual developer to get on top of it all. Dunno. Haven't decided. Roll on ex-neighbour-still-bestie's visit in Nov! Oh, btw: got a guest in just under 2 weeks' time as well, so I'll be unavailable for a good week (will mention again nearer the time).

(Tsk...not allies - ALLEYS! Alleyways in the historic back streets.) And PS: Brighton has always been known as, London-on-Sea. I know both places well, and definitely prefer Brighton. It's smaller and more intimate...friendly. A happy, buzzy, exciting, positive, inspiring place. It also has a sea world and amazingly good permanent funfair. Oh, LOADS of sights and attractions. You'd need a good 2 weeks or more to do just the touristy ones. Also beautiful public parks and historic buildings. ORR...since it's only 40 mins or so on the fast (mainline, overground) train from...is it Waterloo? Waterloo East, I think. But anyway - ...do BOTH!

"But my fiancé was in the same position as him, and he just texted Slinky and included her directly." There you go! "Now that I think about it, he did message us from time to time for her birthdays, invited us into a group chat to discuss getting a joint present for her, or to ask if we’d already gotten her something." That is not a natural role and behaviour for a blokie (think about it). Reckon she was probably behind it all, each time, egging him on. (Typical Narc... day after their birthday, start broadcasting the fact it's their birthday again in 364 days' time. But, yeah...sounds like she's got him under her thumb alright, and using him as her Wizard Of Oz-style curtain behind which to operate. She'll no doubt make him execute her complaints to waiters for her, too.)

Hmm....I wonder if you can get married on any of Brighton's beaches?

There again - the Dorset, Devon and Cornwall (South-Westernmost in the country) beaches are STUH-U-NNINNG! Big, beautiful stretches of sandy beaches, similar to its opposite side of that part of the channel (Britany, France)...dunes and smooth boulders sticking out of the water when the tide goes out...rock pools galore....very popular with families and watersports enthusiasts...surfing competitions held there, etc., particularly Cornwall. VERY historic, loads of postcard-pretty, Olde Worlde, quaint, fishing villages. Superb seafood and Cream Teas - food, generally. Very 'other world'. Definitely where you'd sample an old-style, typically English holiday and definitely a perfect place for a wedding. ...Or, it was, last time I visited. Who knows now?!

I'll pause for now cos I've just looked up and that is TOO MUCH already! Sorry - take your time... Plus I'm zonked and need to sleep for a bit. Fingers crossed I don't get put under as deeply as yesterday when I was out for 14 hours straight when I really didn't want to be! It's obviously my survival instinct doing that, when the temperature + humidity is too much. But I'll need to re-set my timeclock soon as said guest is a morning lark...bed by 11pm, up at 8am (ermagheeerd!). Still...saying that - they know where the kitchen is. :D Maybe I'll stock up on luxury breakfast food so they're still eating by 10am? Bed by 2am, up at 10am I can manage. And I've earned it cos I spent decade after decade getting up (for London) at 5 sodding a.m. and attending "Breakfast Meetings" by 7am in trendy (noisy) bistros (a Yuppie trend back then). Who the beep eats breakfast at 7 bloody a.m.?? So anyway...I'll either be back on this afternoon or during the wee hours tonight. Or sooner - who knows! I don't. Not any more. (Suffering Poet voice...) I am but a leaf, being blown around by the Spanish wind (which comes from all directions!), along with all the other leaves.

@Balance For me though, traveling has always been more about the places themselves – culture, history, nature, atmosphere – not so much about who I might find there. That’s why I’ve never felt disappointed about not meeting certain people (or especially men) in a place I traveled to. If I happen to meet some locals and have a nice chat or spend some time together, that’s a really cool bonus, but never something I expect. I’m also more the kind of person who likes to explore on my own or just with the person I’m traveling with. And yes, I do think people are essentially the same everywhere, but culture adds this wonderful layer of diversity that makes traveling even more interesting. I can also understand that sometimes people imagine things a certain way because of clichés, and then feel disappointed when reality doesn’t match those expectations. Maybe it’s just easier for me to see it differently, since I’ve been in a very happy relationship for almost 8 years – so meeting new people, especially in a romantic way, was never really part of what I was looking for when traveling. I have to ask, when you say women are your main interest in a country or region, what do you mean exactly? Culture, perspectives, relationships… or literally just women? :D Maybe I misunderstood you, but right now it kind of sounds like you’re checking out women the way some people check out landmarks, and I honestly can’t relate to that. Do you feel like your relationship fulfills you in that sense? Because to me it kind of sounds like you’re still looking for something else? Oh and yeah, I also wanna visit the UK sometime. For me, the language barrier has never been the main thing. I actually enjoy the challenge of finding ways to connect even when I don’t or don’t fully speak the language. I experienced that in France; I learned a bit of French in school but only remember “hi, how are you” “I’m fine,” and “I don’t speak French” :D. So sometimes I met people who didn’t speak English, and I had to rely on gestures and Google Translate. But in the end, it always worked out :D @Soulmate Nice to read from you. I hope everything’s alright and that you haven’t been affected by the fires! I haven’t read yet. I will, but I’ll probably need a few days to finally find time to answer :)

Heya matey, just letting you (and hopefully others will read) know things are still too unbearably hot n humid to function at the mo, albeit I'm still having to - I'm sweating 24/7 now, non-stop! - but I haven't forgotten (any of) ya, please just bear with me for a bit longer (I am desperately trying to make some time for myself and you guys). (Meeeeeh!)

Heya! Windowwww! Not for long, though,...sun's just 'turned on'... How are you doing? Just tying up loose ends... Found your spider. Nosferatu is the German nickname for it, it's Latin name is Zoropsis Spinimana, nicknamed the Fake Wolf Spider... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zoropsis_spinimana Yep. Removed one of those just last night from inside the kitchen back door... Plastic beer mug held from high above it (so they don't see it coming) - whammo! - (spider goes into motionless shock for a second so) ...with your other hand, gradually/gently slide some thin card or rigid paper (I used a sealed bank statement letter) against the floor and underneath the cup (ensure you don't create any space around the cup rim for it to slip out through)....Turn it like that, upside-down, ...tap-tap on the envelope/card to make the spider fall to the bottom of the cup, take it outside...remove card and tap-tap the bottom of the cup (unless it just jumps down/out)....release far from the house. (50 Pence, please, thank-you.) Ugly buggers, aren't they, the Fake Wolves. Still, at least they're not those ones that can jump and race around the cup at the speed of light! Those ones are evolving into flying insects, doncha know (unless the planet explodes, of course). Baby Geckos are hardest to catch here, though. They're so tiny and fast, it's hard to see them, so I have to wait until they're the size of my little finger and go darker-skinned...and then I do the cup (or clear perspex bowl) thing, using the card to shepherd it in the direction of the bowl and - slam! (Gently or you frighten it so much its tail drops off and wiggles around like it's another lizard - the whole point, obviously - to confuse its predator...HOW COME THERE ARE TWO LIZARDS SUDDENLY - WHICH ONE SHOULD I CATCH!). That's country living (in Spain) for ya. On the positive side, however - I've only had and caught about 5 spides in as many years, since I moved in. Being warm enough even in Winter, they've no need to come into the warmth of our homes. It's mainly the too-zippy geckos. You go out through the door and - ZZZIP!

Oops - Butterfingers!...sent too soon by mistake (don't know what key I pressed tho, irritatingly...could have been a useful shortcut key. I THINK it was that I accidentally pressed Ctrl as I pressed Enter/Carriage-Return?) So anyway, to finish my sentance: and - ZZZIP! - they're in, without you having spotted a thing. I've always been a fab spider/critter-catcher. Got super-fast reflexes. Probably all the sport - and constant fending-off of unreasonable/irrational/antisocial attackers/ambushers I did as a kid ('did' being the operative word). You see, these Narcs aren't ACTUALLY useless. I was drawn to all the sport (sport, and more sport) as a way, subconsciously (costh I wasth only a kiddthie) to build myself up, as in, 'Oh really? Might Is Right, is it? You insist the rule is, Might Is Right - you can HAVE Might Is Right - but you're gonna have ALL of it!....feel THESE muscles! (in ya face!)'. It worked. And I've stayed that impressively strong and muscular ever since (Muscle Memory). That's why I refer to them (the antisocial narcs - the violent or potentially, ones) as De Luxe mental (and physical) Gym Equipment. ((Cheers, bozos! :))) How's your self-body-therapying going? You starting to get any angles to your muscles? THERE AGAIN - I have to be honest: sex and hoovering can suffice if you're short of time? (A fairly heavy hoover, obvs.) Anyway, it's very delighting to hear you describe yours and fiance's relationship as really lovely. What's he like, then? Does he pull his weight fairly? Any talents? Does he cook? Sporty or Cerebral? (Or both?) If you both cycle, he's probably sporty, eh. Does he make you laugh? Is he furry, like Heidi? LOL Does he purr like Heidi? HAHA!

Hey, I thought I’d quickly reply to your last 2 posts. I’ve already read the rest, but right now I’m in pretty bad pain and my brain just doesn’t want to function properly, so here’s just a short update on where I’m at. “How are you doing?” I just got back from the dentist… of course it turns out I also have an inflamed tooth and need a root canal (might not sound that bad, but I have a huge fear of dentists *patting myself on the shoulder* proud that I went there all by myself today). Right now I’m in so much pain and I’m wondering how I’ll get through the night and go to work tomorrow (work already, you stupid painkiller!). The dentist and assistant were surprised that I hadn’t noticed anything earlier, because apparently the pain is supposed to be unbearable long before it gets to the stage I’m at now. Cool… I only realized yesterday that it hurt like hell, and that a spot between my chin and lip was slightly swollen. And of course it’s a lower front tooth, and the pain radiates through my whole chin, so even just talking hurts. I really hope I’ll be over the worst of it by next Friday, otherwise it’s going to be a miserable reunion with the girls. :( Well…now I’m sipping my potato soup (I’m not allowed to chew anything :() and, just like the past few days, listening to this banger here on repeat: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dA094oAy-g Other than that, my back is doing much better. I’m doing my exercises regularly, and training on the machines has made my back muscles noticeably stronger. My muscles are still kind of imbalanced though, so I can still get pretty bad tension. For those rare days I switched to something more natural and got myself some CBD weed and a vaporizer, because I was having mild side effects from the prescribed muscle relaxant. It really works wonders! The weird thing is that I still haven’t lost a single gram (sometimes I just don’t feel so good about the way my body is right now). That might still be because of quitting smoking and because I eat like there’s no tomorrow whenever there’s something tasty :D It’s been 1 year, 2 weeks and 6 days since I quit. Crazy. Sometimes I still really crave a cigarette, but usually it passes after a few minutes. Sometimes though, it gets me into weird situations :D Back when I drank alcohol I was almost a chain smoker, I could easily smoke a whole pack in one night. Now, whenever I drink, I immediately want to smoke too. That was especially bad one night in Cuxhaven when we met that couple. They were both smokers, and the bar we went to afterwards was a smoking bar. I honestly enjoyed the passive smoking way too much :D My fiancé always says, whenever I tell him in those moments that I’d love to smoke again because maybe then I’d lose some weight: “If you start again, you’ll just end up “fat” AND a smoker.” :D And honestly, he’s right, it really wouldn’t be a good idea. I think I’ve fallen into the classic addiction shift. So I’ll try to eat a bit healthier and, most importantly, try not to snack so much anymore :D Oh, and my dad wants to file the applications. I’ll fill out both with him over the weekend so he doesn’t end up putting down some nonsense. “Found your spider. Nosferatu is the German nickname for it, it's Latin name is Zoropsis Spinimana, nicknamed the Fake Wolf Spider…” Oh yeah, that’s exactly it. Creepy little spider ewwww :D “Plastic beer mug held from high above it (so they don't see it coming) - whammo! - (spider goes into motionless shock for a second so) ...with your other hand, gradually/gently slide some thin card or rigid paper (I used a sealed bank statement letter) against the floor and underneath the cup (ensure you don't create any space around the cup rim for it to slip out through)....Turn it like that, upside-down, ...tap-tap on the envelope/card to make the spider fall to the bottom of the cup, take it outside...remove card and tap-tap the bottom of the cup (unless it just jumps down/out)....release far from the house. (50 Pence, please, thank-you.)” Yeah, that’s actually the best method. I’m just not always brave enough to get that close to something creepy-crawly. Last year the house centipede was my final boss. In the end I managed to trap it with a glass bowl and stacked about 20 books on top so it couldn’t escape (those mfs are almost faster than light), and then I waited all shaken up until my fiancé came home to release the beast back into freedom :D “What's he like, then? Does he pull his weight fairly? Any talents? Does he cook? Sporty or Cerebral? (Or both?) If you both cycle, he's probably sporty, eh. Does he make you laugh? Is he furry, like Heidi? LOL Does he purr like Heidi? HAHA!” Oh yes, he really pulls his weight in everything, sometimes he even does more than I do around the house :D And also all the stuff he does for my parents. He’s also the one who almost always cooks (and he’s really good at it too). He used to be very sporty and did parkour, but that was years ago. Neither of us are really sporty now, and at the moment we’re both on the slightly chubbier side, him a bit more than me :D He’s really funny and always manages to make me laugh :D He loves building things and is very handy. Over the last few years we’ve tackled a few projects together, and it was always super cool to see the finished result and actually be able to use it :D I’ll probably get around to replying to the rest by the weekend. See ya then :)

Sorry, it's been a bit later than the weekend. I had to go back to the dentist on Friday because my chin was about twice as thick as normal. I've been prescribed antibiotics, and they completely knocked me out over the weekend. So, here we go: “How's your heatwave?” The weather situation here is really crazy right now. In the past few weeks in the mornings, when I cycle to work, I had to wear long pants, a hoodie, and even a jacket. It was really chilly outside, around 10–14 °C. But by the time I left work, it suddenly jumped to 35–39 °C, so every morning I had to pack something for Mordor weather to change into before heading home. That already felt a bit like fall weather, except in fall it usually doesn’t get this warm during the day anymore. It also hadn’t rained for a long time. Almost every day the forecast said it would rain, but nothing happened. And when it did rain, it poured down so heavily that you constantly could hear the fire truck sirens because so many basements got flooded. The last few weeks we also had repeated about 3–4 days in a row of Mordor non-stop where it didn’t cool down at night at all. On Thursday two weeks ago I went a little brain-fried at work because of the heat. My office is on the sunny side and I only have blinds on the window and a small fan. It was disgusting. I think it was about 37-39 °C in my office. I drank three liters just during work that day, and from noon on I had a wet towel wrapped around my head or neck (evaporative cooling for the win). I literally couldn’t think anymore because it was so hot. I don’t think I’ve ever messed up so many easy tasks in one day :D When I got home that evening, I fell straight into bed and slept through the rest of the day until the next morning. I mean, I’m glad that it cools down at night now, but these harsh changes in temperature and air pressure are really f*ing me up :D I constantly have headaches and sometimes trouble with my circulation. Today it’s cloudy and 24 °C and it’s so stuffy you could cut the air. But it seems like the first glimpse of fall is hitting us. And I’m here, ready for the best season. Let the leaves fall to the ground and the temperature and atmosphere get spooky, please!! “Reminds me of a joke (80s...probably not very good, but, it's too hot to care, haha)... "There's this Red Indian tribe...and, whenever a new baby is born, the Tribe Elder, whose job it is to name his tribe members, carries the baby into the wilderness and then returns hours later with a name. One day, out of intrigue, this adolescent Brave follows the Tribe Elder to find out how he does it. The Elder spots him though, stops and spins around.... "Why you follow me?" The Brave admits, "I just want know secret of how you manage all these years to come up with sooo many new names!' "Oh, that no mystery", says the Elder. "It simple...I cary baby to highest ledge on yonder mountain and, first thing I see, I name baby after. For example: I see eagle flying? Baby named Flying Eagle. I see Thunder coming? Baby named Angry Sky........... Surely you could have guessed, Two Dogs F**king?" :D (?)” I actually knew that one already :D but yeah, it’s a good one :DD “Well, they must feel like they died and went to Heaven, with a couple of bend-over-backwards merchants like us, eh! Seriously, I have never had a cat like her, including her incredible affectionate-ness. And I've never had a cat I've wanted to spoil so much (with good food, I mean...a variety of three things, usually). She spends minutes (hours to a cat) nuzzling my forehead and now my cheeks and chin (I come away with a fluff-covered face...good job she's worth it). There again, I AM a champion cat-stroker and massager so... (lol). What are your special talents in Heidi's eyes, do you think?” I think Heidi simply appreciates my calm nature and sees me as a retreat. The clinic is very hectic, so with me she can always relax (Just today I experienced it again: she came running to me, with a patient right behind her, phone camera at the ready…). And of course, she gets her favorite treats :D And I believe she really enjoys the cuddles she gets whenever I have time. Sometimes, even with food, her favorite snacks, or a freshly fluffed-up cozy spot to sleep, she’ll still wind around my legs and snuggle up to me until I pet her for a while :) “However! The happy news is, my UK bestie and next-doorsie, who used to live in Spain and adores high heat (Iranian blood, I reckon) wants to come visit in November to see if they like it enough to either visit frequently and regularly (half working/helping, half holiday). That would definitely help considerably because along with the bigger stuff is the petty stuff, like having a seriously heavy coffee table that needs two to shift (so I can remove and clean the rug)....that sort of thing. And the moral support. The friends over here have turned out to be unreliable or not in a POSITION to be relied upon. (It's leaking out, the fact that Spain isn't in anywhere near as good a state as it would have the rest of the world believe.) (They shoulda just asked me!) (Ooh, maybe it was me who started it? After all, I've been mentioning it/complaining a lot on here since...my first year, actually. ...Oooh. ....HAHA!)” Oh, that’s great you’re getting a visit :) I’m sure it’ll feel really good to have some support around. “Oh, and btw - that pulsing signal that's been taken for comms from an alien craft since the 60s(?). Turns out it's a White Dwarf.” Which one exactly do you mean? Actually, there have been many, many, many of those “mystery signals” since the 60s, when the SETI project started (SETI = Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence). Most of them turned out to be either certain types of white dwarfs sending out radio pulses, or pulsars, super fast spinning stars that emit bursts of radio waves, like cosmic lighthouses in space. So most likely, it will never actually be aliens. Don’t get me wrong, I’m convinced there are other species out there, even intelligent ones, but from what we know right now: if they exist, know that we exist and want contact, we’ll only know when they’re already here. They must have such advanced technology, and probably a completely different understanding of physics. Even having “beaten” the E=mc² limitation, to be able to cross those distances. Some planets, for example, would never allow space travel at all, because their gravity is too strong and their resources would never be enough to leave their surface (at least not with rockets. In that respect, we’re actually really lucky with Earth. In so many ways: Earth 4 evaa <3) And even traveling to Proxima Centauri b, basically our only nearby option for a potentially habitable planet, our cosmic neighbor about 4.2 light-years away, would take about 10,000–20,000 years with today’s technology. All hope really rests on fusion energy. Maybe in a few generations, a working fusion drive will make it possible to reach Proxima in about 150 years instead. But never say never, maybe we will make such progress that we will be able much sooner than expected and can travel even longer distances, Wormholes maybe :D or they really find us first. I’ve spent nights looking through SETI Data or Breakthrough Listen Data to find some anomalies, because it’s really exciting and, of course, I'm absolutely curious to see if we actually find something (in my lifetime). An alien pen pal from Kepler 22b (my favorite exoplanet) would be really nice ;D Sorry got a little outta hand, I’ll stop right here :D Otherwise this will be an endless monologue of the universe’s Beauty and potential Beings and happenings. “If you ask me: WE are the aliens. We needed a physical form when needing a new planet, spotted the branch of apes with opposable thumbs (to which we beans owe everything), 'flew' into the newborns, and it's THEY that are "the Soul". Hence you get constant conflict between what the Ape wants and what the Alien knows is more intelligent OR VICE VERSA....coming out with phrases like, 'I didn't mean that' (to which I always say - Then who did? Father bleedin' Christmas? Whassee doing in there anyway? Did you eat him? (etc).)” Ah, so we’ll be repeating this soon then and maybe we won’t even need fusion drive if you're right :D Maybe next time it won’t be apes but something else. Do you think they’ll have thumbs too? :D…And I guess that same conflict will exist again, between the instincts of whatever new species we “borrow” and the knowledge our alien souls bring along. Like some super-intelligent amoeba with thumbs (maybe) vs. the eternal alien mind :D “Basically, you just need to unpack your life luggage and get rid of the crud whilst keeping the right/correct stuff in terms of what you were taught were "the rules" as far as you were concerned. E.g. you were taught to be polite back, even when the other person was a giant ahole - right? Despite that went against your instinct to 'give 'em What For' back - right? Because we can plainly see - you can bite back really sassily and with wit. So if you were BORN with that - who clucked it out of you as you grew-up?” A few years ago I’ve thought a lot about what in my childhood might have shaped me into the person I am now. Some things I can see more clearly today. I kind of grasp where they might come from, but I don’t really know what to do with that information :D There were certain events in my childhood where I think I learned: + not to show pain, or that showing it would only make things worse. + that anger or destructive impulses weren’t allowed, and that I always had to be kind instead. + it’s safer to hide or play along instead of showing myself openly. + That I’m responsible for keeping the peace, like I had to be the mediator even as a little kid. So I know that, and I know it’s bullshit. I’ve made some progress in some of those things, like finally facing my health issues and the fears that come with them (for example, my fear of the dentist. And also in communication with, for example, my fiancé, that I can admit without feeling guilty when I’m not doing well) Also, that lightsaber thing helps me with just being my true self when it comes to expressing my emotions (still needs a bit of adjustment). I also think that in other aspects I still haven’t really figured out what’s going on, or I don’t know how I can manage to change/ erase learned behavior/reactions. “I reckon you ARE going to have kid, but will be (i.e. only SEEM to be!) a slightly older mum, and that (for biologically-factual as well as baggage-sifting reasons) you'll stay fertile for longer than the average woman. Cats/pets are baby substitutes or practise-babies, see. Your actions give you away. AND me! I definitely am gagging for a grandkid!” Well, if it happens, then it happens :D but I’m not aiming for it. Cats would really be enough for me :D “Haha, the amount of times I've looked at Fluffy and said, 'Oh, if only you were a giant cat and could help me carry this in!" ...the food shopping, usually...it's all big family and jumbo packs around here so it's masses of heavy bagfuls just for a basic shop and, with the heat you can't bear to be in, of course the temptation is to carry four bags in each hand. Plus at the check-outs, they go too fast whereby you're holding up the queue as you pack, so feel pressured to hurry (where your face starts dripping in sweat til you can't see what you're packing!)... And then there's the putting everything away. Supermarket shopping in Spain as a single person should be a sodding Olympic sport! Anyhoo...I don't mind things that keep me fit, but not that pull my muscles or necessitate gritting my teeth and making UUUUURGHFFF! noises as I struggle.” I can totally imagine that haha, sometimes it would really be super helpful. That’s funny, I always thought lightning-fast checkout was such a German thing :D it immediately reminded me of this: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/22D6rPYDZsM “Flying Ants. That's another Ugh, but with a "ff" on the end - Ughff. Ants should NOT turn into miniature, creepy birds, ooh nooo.” haha yeah, what’s also really annoying when cycling, especially in the morning, are those little flies that always swarm around the fields. You never see them until you ride right through and suddenly they’re all over your face…and if you’re unlucky, in your mouth :( Free protein shake, right? :D “You should hear the crickets here when the humidity peaks. It's so loud you wouldn't believe it!” Oh, I can imagine. I used to go on vacation in Spain with my parents quite often as a kid. As soon as it got even slightly dark, they were really loud. “One of my faves is to point (arm at half-mast) at them and ask - "You f*ck-offie?" And when they say, 'Pardon?!', I say it straight, loudly: "I said - You for coffee?", while making a twiddling motion beside my ear with my fingers and mouthing audibly, 'TUURN IT UUUUUUP. The other thing, similar to the Que one - start ranting, all offended and outraged, at them in mock Cantonese. They won't know, hahaha. Just think of all the chinese you've heard on the telly and go for it: "Yaaaa, mai no CHEE-CHING (finger-stab)", etc. And don't forget the "Hwooooars" here and there (as in, I should slap you one, I should!). The fact you're clearly NOT Chinese, let alone Cantonese, I find, COMPLETELY dumbfounds all Iffies and Niffies....like you've pressed their Pause button. They just blank-stare at you, completely lost for words and with no clue how to react or respond!” Haha, those are good ones :D I already have a method that works for that kind of guy who doesn’t take no for an answer or keeps following me around, and it’s kind of similar to the cantonese mocking. I just go completely insane, like laughing as if I just broke out of a psych ward, talking to myself like Gollum, random screaming, or suddenly singing a song in a creepy way. Always worked, they instantly turned around and walked away. Knock on wood, I haven’t had to do it very often yet. “Next time, set Zero Tolerance and have the person removed from your surgery immediately. His full-on behaviour was a red flag of a dangerous social and sexual predator. He's practised that for YEARS to get to the level he's degenerated to today/with you. Same as rapist don't suddenly wake up one morning and think, Today I'm going to rape someone. They start off with Inappropriate Behaviour that isn't even hidden or conducted purely behind closed doors (albeit your incident does count as *semi* behind closed doors) (AND grossly inappropriate as well as downright disrespectful!).” I told my doctor about it back then, and she said I should call her if anything happened (her office is right next to mine) and that she would talk to him together with our boss if he didn’t behave, but that it wasn't enough reason to kick him out. I was just glad that for the rest of his rehab I wasn’t alone in the office anymore, since our volunteer I supervised back then was back from a seminar. He also wasn’t quite as gross after that. “(Ooh, just remembered another common bat-back when a stranger acts like you're public property. "Cheer up!...It might never happen!, hur-hur". Me (neither audibly enough nor inaudibly): "It just fckn did". Or (all straight-faced): "No, I can't smile...not since the accident".” OHHH HAHAHA, that’s diabolical XDD and absolutely brilliant. I’ll remember that :D “Start investigating care homes - where they can be taken in together as a couple, in one of those sheltered, assisted housing complexes (assuming you have them?). Not because you're suddenly going to do anything about it. But to de-sensitize you in-time for when you have to. I.e. get over it before it even happens.” Of course, I looked into that years ago. There’s a nice care home nearby that also offers assisted living, and they could even move in together there. “Brighton. Definitely Brighton. It's beautiful these days cos a load of Spaniards have moved there and prettied up all the allies with typical Spanish hanging pots and baskets from balconies, etc., and the council crystal-clearly purified the water (stopped dumping sewage?) to make it more attractive to tourists because I went there a couple of years before leaving UK and - no bull - the seawater was, for the first time since I'd ever known the place (since a nipper), the colour of a Blue Slush Puppy! It was a-maaa-zing - I didn't even know it COULD be that colour in England! Previously, it had been typically English-beach Green-Brown (ew!...now we know it's NOT just the fault of the dark brown sand on the seabed!). Brilliant place...where all the creatives and artists live. Art galleries galore - even in people's front living-rooms along the terraced houses just back from the pavement! Brilliant pier! Loads to do. Superb vibe. Fab restaurants and unique boutique shops selling really cool, unique stuff. Also, loads of really good street entertainers.” Yeah, I’ve seen some videos and stuff about Brighton. It looks really beautiful. There’s also an artist I like who, I think, lives there, or at least plays there on the streets with his band every now and then. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSeCuR51rek&list=PLo25me9b8lqD-rwpU3uimr_QaVByd-qUC “Hmm....I wonder if you can get married on any of Brighton's beaches?” Would be nice :D Since we can’t get married at the beach like we thought :( they only do symbolic ceremonies there, so it wouldn’t be legal on paper and I also couldn’t take his last name. Sooo we changed plans, and it’ll be at a lighthouse not far from that beach :D Maybe a few years into the marriage we can do a little “refresh” at the beach with a symbolic ceremony :) AND Once again, screw the bureaucracy here in Germany… it’s a wonder I don’t have to smear a parchment with our blood and bury it under a certain tree on the 12th moon of the year… I was told by the registrar that I can only take care of everything half a year before we plan to get married. So right now, I can’t reserve or apply for anything yet. The documents we need for the wedding can’t be older than 4 months and, of course, they also take several weeks to process… stressful already :D “There again - the Dorset, Devon and Cornwall (South-Westernmost in the country) beaches are STUH-U-NNINNG! Big, beautiful stretches of sandy beaches, similar to its opposite side of that part of the channel (Britany, France)...dunes and smooth boulders sticking out of the water when the tide goes out...rock pools galore....very popular with families and watersports enthusiasts...surfing competitions held there, etc., particularly Cornwall. VERY historic, loads of postcard-pretty, Olde Worlde, quaint, fishing villages. Superb seafood and Cream Teas - food, generally. Very 'other world'. Definitely where you'd sample an old-style, typically English holiday and definitely a perfect place for a wedding. ...Or, it was, last time I visited. Who knows now?!” Maybe we’ll go to Brighton to freshen it up :) It sounds really beautiful, definitely a place I want to see at some point in my life. “Fingers crossed I don't get put under as deeply as yesterday when I was out for 14 hours straight when I really didn't want to be! It's obviously my survival instinct doing that, when the temperature + humidity is too much. ” with that kind of heat I wouldn’t be able to do anything but sleep either… I really hope it cools down soon for you so you can finally catch a break. “But I'll need to re-set my timeclock soon as said guest is a morning lark...bed by 11pm, up at 8am (ermagheeerd!).Still...saying that - they know where the kitchen is. :D Maybe I'll stock up on luxury breakfast food so they're still eating by 10am? Bed by 2am, up at 10am I can manage. And I've earned it cos I spent decade after decade getting up (for London) at 5 sodding a.m. and attending "Breakfast Meetings" by 7am in trendy (noisy) bistros (a Yuppie trend back then). Who the beep eats breakfast at 7 bloody a.m.??” RIIIGHT? I don’t get that either :D I need my coffee (or two) just to get started and function enough to even make it to work, can’t eat this early :D 9–10 is my breakfast time. I hate it when we go on holiday and the hotel breakfast is 7–9… whyyy??? :D ______________ quick update: Today I had another dentist appointment and another root canal treatment, which went well. The antibiotics I was prescribed on top of it worked well. I hope it keeps going like that, I really don’t want to have to cancel the meetup with the girls on Friday. On Monday we set a time for Friday and roughly talked about what we want to do :) I’m soooo looking forward to it. Just like the good old times, sitting in the park with snacks and drinks (if the weather plays along), chatting, and maybe afterwards going to a café, our old Turkish takeaway we used to go to, or to one of our homes, we’ll just decide spontaneously :) This is exactly what I’ve been missing for years. The meetups in the friendship with Slinky were always tied to some kind of event, it was a must that you already knew in advance exactly what you were going to do that day. Spontaneity was rare—only very occasionally we just met up for no reason or decided to do something spontaneously. Just the fact how uncomplicated it was to set this up now… insane!!! No endless back and forth texting, just “can you make it then and wanna do this and that?” – “yes” – “great, see you then.” BUUT I do have a few concerns though, which are probably just me overthinking or judging too early :D I saw on one of my friends’ social media statuses that she visited a modern church. That got me curious, because right now I’m actually diving a little into religion, biblical texts, and religious philosophy, mostly because of Twenty One Pilots, who are Christians and sometimes weave that subtly into their music. I find it really interesting how religious people interpret texts from TOP and the story differently than I do. That, to me, is art: music with deep lyrics and a story to tell, one that everyone can interpret in their own way, and in a way that truly makes sense to each person/way you think of. There’s even a theory that the Twenty One Pilots storyline is a reinterpretation of Dante’s Inferno. Others suggest that the Nicolas Bourbaki Group, a collective of French mathematicians publishing under a pseudonym, and Simone Weil (the sister of one of Bourbaki’s members) also play a role in the story. According to Wikipedia, she was a French social revolutionary, philosopher, mystic, and author. In the middle of World War II, while suffering from tuberculosis (the illness she later died from), she wrote a book called 'The Need for Roots: Prelude to a Declaration of Duties Towards Mankind'. It’s about the needs of the human soul, almost a guideline for what a person, or the soul, requires in order not to fall into chaos, also in a political sense. Super interesting! (Yesss, that actually has to do with the band, sometimes I can’t even believe myself how deep and complex it is.) uuuhm… slight tangent, sorry :D Anyway, I googled that church and unfortunately found out that it’s a free church that represents a very conservative religious worldview and practices (no sex before marriage, homosexuality is an illness, Women are responsible for the housework, the children, and their husband etc.). The leader of this church has often been criticized for being very authoritarian and for practicing these so-called “faith healing” services, I’m really getting strong cult-like vibes from that…. For me, that’s absolutely alarming and, in my opinion, the biggest red flag not to join such a church. They also place huge emphasis on recruiting new members through friends and family. I’m a bit afraid that my friend (if she really goes there regularly) might have been or could still be strongly influenced by that, and could become the kind of unpleasant person you can’t do anything with without them trying to convert you. (I had such a friend in my teenage years, and also the woman who led my confirmation classes, which I eventually quit because I simply wasn’t a believer, she was super pushy for about half a year, called me non-stop, even approached me in person on the street, and once even tried to bribe me with ice cream to still go through with confirmation). I honestly can’t imagine my friend living out religious fundamentalism and fanaticism, at least not if she’s still even remotely the person I once knew her as. So I’ll find out on Friday or the following times when we meet how she deals with it. Basically, my opinion is of course! that everyone can have their faith, as long as it doesn’t hurt people or get seriously on my nerves (recruiting/converting me despite me declining several times). But yeah, it definitely leaves a bit of a “gschmäckle,” as we say in Swabia (=a weird aftertaste), when I look at that church… I’ll try to give an update over the weekend on how the meeting went :)

As promised, here’s the update: I’m still really overwhelmed… it was soooooooooooo beautiful, and today was one of those days where I just have to believe in fate. It felt like we had never lost contact. There was zero awkwardness. Even though some of the girls are more in touch with each other than I am with them, it wasn’t awkward at all. They included me in everything, so I could follow who or what they were talking about. We dug out sooo many anecdotes and laughed together. All day it was cloudy and raining, and on my way home from work I drove straight into a thunderstorm with heavy rain. We were supposed to meet at the park at 5 pm, which for a while was uncertain because of the weather. But exactly at 5 pm it was bright sunshine, just a few clouds in the sky. I was really surprised that so many people showed up, I expected maybe 3, but in the end 5 came (let’s call them A., E., L., S., and G.). It honestly felt just like the old times. We went to a store like we used to back then, grabbed some drinks and snacks. We chatted a lot and updated each other a bit. Then we wanted to go to this Turkish place, but unfortunately it was closed, so we went to another restaurant instead, had good food and drinks, and just talked and talked and talked. I didn’t bring up Slinky directly, but the conversation drifted at one point to “growing up, blah blah” and someone mentioned how stressful it is that some people are only after drama and can’t manage to behave like adults at an adult age. I strongly agreed, and when S. said, “I do think there’s less drama since turning 30,” I replied, “Well, it depends on the right people. Believe me, I’m speaking from quite fresh experience.” But then the conversation shifted in another direction, so no one followed up on that, and I left it there. I vibed pretty well with everyone. I’m not entirely sure about L., since I didn’t talk as much with her. But with S., E., and A., I felt a real connection. With G. partly too, but she’s really the same as she used to be, and even back then I sometimes had the feeling she didn’t really like me, or was jealous, or in some kind of competition with me. There were a few moments today that really showed me that again. For example: I tell her what I do for work and where, and she asks if I’m happy there. I say yes, totally, I’m quite independent, like my colleagues, short commute, I’m really satisfied. She mutters, almost under her breath, “ugh, I kind of hate you right now.” I go, “What? Why?” She listens to the others and doesn’t reply. Later I found out she’s currently job-hunting as a doctor. I told her I find it amazing that she pulled off her own thing, studied medicine, and is now a doctor, and that she has my respect for making it on her path. When I said that, she rolled her eyes and just said “yeah thanks.” When someone else said it, she went all “ooooh thank you!” She also came up with anecdotes that either were made up or I just couldn’t remember. But she used to do that sometimes too, or maybe I just couldn’t remember back then either. Anyway, back in the day, people often confused us because we kind of look alike if you don’t look closely, both tall, slim, similar hair color and length. That always annoyed her a lot. Other examples from tonight: we were talking in the group about household appliances (of course, we’re all adults now and that’s the kind of stuff adults talk about :D:D). We talked about cordless vacuum cleaners and how practical they are (:D:D:D). I told them I once bought a cheap one at a discount store, and it was actually really handy but after a year its performance really dropped. She then goes, “I also bought one, but not at a discount store. I knew right away that those are no good and beneath my level” (she put extra emphasis on that part) “so I got a discounted one at a specialty store instead.” I ignored it, just like all her other digs. I don’t know if I’m overinterpreting, but with the things I listed, I’m pretty sure it’s some kind of jealousy or something. Strangely, when I talked to her one-on-one (like when we walked to the store together), she wasn’t like that at all. Anyway, despite that, it was a wonderful get-together. I now have everyone’s phone numbers and all their social media. I also mentioned where I’d like to get married and roughly when, but when the question came up about whether it’ll be a small circle or who will be invited, I didn’t dare say, “please come <3”… I just didn’t feel comfortable in that moment. I think it’s better to wait and see with whom I’ll actually keep in touch more. And even if it sounds mean, I honestly don’t want G. at my wedding. My gut tells me that. Just now I spent half an hour chatting with E. on WhatsApp, she wanted some book recommendations about astronomy :))))))))) haaaach, I feel like I’ve “come home” again… that’s really such a beautiful feeling :) Where was I… Ah, yes. We so often thought of the same anecdotes, and then one of us would say it out loud and everyone else went, “yessss, I was just about to say that!” or “yesss, I just thought about that recently.” When we walked from the restaurant to the parking lot, I talked with A. and said I found it crazy that after so long, meeting up feels like there was never any break in contact, and that I really find it beautiful. She fully agreed and said she values that too and that we definitely have to repeat it. She also said I should come by for coffee sometime if I’m around (she still lives in the same town). I offered the same to her. I also set up a plan with E. for December, when I’m in her city for a concert, we’ll meet for coffee beforehand :)) When we said goodbye, we all agreed we have to do this regularly, and I think it was L. who also said that it felt like we see each other all the time and that it’s because of my energy. Because of all the goodbye fuss, I was a bit emotional and close to tears because it was so beautiful to hang out with them again. I held them back though, so I didn’t ask what she meant by that (would have been interesting though :D). On my way home, some happy tears finally came. Then I got a message from A. saying she got into her car, turned on the radio, and Avril Lavigne was playing. I used to listen to her a lot, and she did too, a bit. I just replied, “Lol crazy,” and a bit later, “how many more signs do we need? :D” to which she answered, “for real ;D.” So I’m really happy we did this, at the best time it seems. I’ll keep you updated if there’s anything exciting to share in this direction :))

Hey you! Just gonna have a few hours' nap (I'm poorly - see Bal's thread) and then ce I'll respond to yours (and any others'). :)

...interesting typo? 'Thence' actually is a bona fide (Olde English) word (like Hence). Mind you, I doth feel olde today so.... :D

I'm baa-aaack! :) "Hey, I thought I’d quickly reply to your last 2 posts. I’ve already read the rest, but right now I’m in pretty bad pain and my brain just doesn’t want to function properly, so here’s just a short update on where I’m at." Oh, no. Your back, you meant? You okay now? “How are you doing?” Frantically. On the positive side, all that doing stuff and rushing around in un-Godly heat has toned my muscles back to how they were when I landed here, 5 (jeeeeez!) years ago. And I'm probably even more tough and resilient. (What feckin price, though!...enough (salt) water to cure Cambodia's problems, I reckon!) And I didn't injure myself (that would be distrastrous). "I just got back from the dentist… of course it turns out I also have an inflamed tooth and need a root canal (might not sound that bad, but I have a huge fear of dentists *patting myself on the shoulder* proud that I went there all by myself today)." Oh, right, THIS is the pain, not your back! "Right now I’m in so much pain and I’m wondering how I’ll get through the night and go to work tomorrow (work already, you stupid painkiller!). The dentist and assistant were surprised that I hadn’t noticed anything earlier, because apparently the pain is supposed to be unbearable long before it gets to the stage I’m at now." Yeah, but you're not everybody, are you...you're different. In fact, plenty of people either get late onset pain or NO pain and their tooth finally just drops out. Damnit though - ach - so annoying!...I know a cure for that, only, I was busy with my (hyperactive) guest! Well, not a cure, but a permanent arrester. Stop me if I've told you (and you can do this from now): To the strength of seawater - start using saltwater as a mouthwash, right before Lights Out. Not only does salt kill ALL bacteria that can harm us, but, if you add Bicarbonate of Soda/Baking Soda, together they make Nature's antibiotic...which is well handy for 'killing' a tooth abscess and ensuring you never get another. I haven't been to the dentist since ...um......2016...(and then Covid hit, whereupon, finding a Yeti would have been easier than a dentist!). And that's how. Another bonus (if you and fiance do it together): Zero "death breath" come morning. Not. One. Whiff. Can't get more proof than that, of a bacteria-free mouth. Also, salt water gently but steadily Whitens your teeth. I've kept what *were* rotting teeth, in total stasis through this. Had to... ain't got TIME to see to my teeth yet! "Cool… I only realized yesterday that it hurt like hell, and that a spot between my chin and lip was slightly swollen." Abscess. "And of course it’s a lower front tooth, and the pain radiates through my whole chin, so even just talking hurts." Ohhhh shite. Yeah, I've had that one. "I really hope I’ll be over the worst of it by next Friday, otherwise it’s going to be a miserable reunion with the girls. :(" Right - what date did you post that, i.e. have you got time to try the salt-bicarb water... Ok, you posted evening of 27th Aug, so that makes it....Been and gone already (last Friday). Aww. Were you okay by then? "Well…now I’m sipping my potato soup (I’m not allowed to chew anything :() and, just like the past few days, listening to this banger here on repeat: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dA094oAy-g" I like that! But then - I would, becaaauuuse.... I'll see your *Twenty One* Pilots (*should be hyphenated) (cuh...kidz today) and raise you one of this lot's obvious (to me) sources of inspiration: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvldypUz9w8&list=PLCx_l3FfC446YhZSrnYvxRLr3evK943La (Not all are that lively.) That's my all-time Desert Island Disc album, that is. That or Bassomatic - Set The Controls To The Heart Of The Base (funkayyyyy)... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxfxeyKUSIg&t=3s (I think I'm right in recalling the genius behind it is German. Well before his time he was - same as said Pixies/Frank Black (Californian)). Fab driving music, this one...... So obviously I'd need a car on whatever desert island I was stranded on, haha. And I adore all the famous film sampling! "Other than that, my back is doing much better. I’m doing my exercises regularly, and training on the machines has made my back muscles noticeably stronger. My muscles are still kind of imbalanced though, so I can still get pretty bad tension. For those rare days I switched to something more natural and got myself some CBD weed and a vaporizer, because I was having mild side effects from the prescribed muscle relaxant. It really works wonders!" Ex-ce-lleeeeeent! "The weird thing is that I still haven’t lost a single gram (sometimes I just don’t feel so good about the way my body is right now)." Well, you won't be, will you. Because you're building muscle and muscle's heavier than fat. " That might still be because of quitting smoking and because I eat like there’s no tomorrow whenever there’s something tasty :D It’s been 1 year, 2 weeks and 6 days since I quit. Crazy. Sometimes I still really crave a cigarette, but usually it passes after a few minutes." Sounds like you're 'orally fixated'. Me too (cigs, fingernails, pentops...not my thumb, though...I tried that in the mirror and it didn't suit me nor make me look cute...just deranged haha). Sugar-free Lolipops - or Werther's. The Sug-free Werther's taste vastly superior to the sugared ones, weirdly enough. I've got a load in my car for when my passenger's A VERY UNCOOL non-smoker (ugh, disgusting creatures!) (;)). "Sometimes though, it gets me into weird situations :D Back when I drank alcohol I was almost a chain smoker, I could easily smoke a whole pack in one night." What - the filter-tips, like JPS? UGH! I smoke rollies infused with Vanilla or Spearmint. More natural, whereas the former are packed with minute chems (including cyanide). "Now, whenever I drink, I immediately want to smoke too." Ah. Yeah... Me too.... Probably if I were to give-up with any success, I'd have to ditch coffee first (yuh, right - THAT's gonna happen!). So you don't like 'dry smoking', either? "That was especially bad one night in Cuxhaven when we met that couple. They were both smokers, and the bar we went to afterwards was a smoking bar." FFFFabulous! (Smoking Pubs...and NON-Smoking Pubs....Something for EVERYBODY!......Cor, I'm a genius, look! (rolls eyes)). "I honestly enjoyed the passive smoking way too much :D" Haha! Well.....the solution would be to get your genes checked for any susceptibility to any smoking-related cancers. Because LET'S NOT FORGET that there are many more STRESS-related ones! "My fiancé always says, whenever I tell him in those moments that I’d love to smoke again because maybe then I’d lose some weight: “If you start again, you’ll just end up “fat” AND a smoker.” Pff. No you wouldn't. Otherwise you'd have been overweight and a smoker before you gave up. And anyway, since you've been 'complaining' about your weight on here, doesn't that prove it was the drink, not the cigs?? You could therefore create a new association between cigs and coffee....or herbal health teas!...sparking min. water!....anything! What about a vape that contains no nicotine? ":D And honestly, he’s right," Yeah, except he isn't. :p Not trying to get you to start smoking again; my point is merely, at least persuade someone against, using FACTS. "it really wouldn’t be a good idea." Might be true, might not be. Again (?) - no internal lightbulb, no AMOUNT of finger-jabbing on the switch is going to turn that (cancerous) light on. "I think I’ve fallen into the classic addiction shift. So I’ll try to eat a bit healthier and, most importantly, try not to snack so much anymore :D" Or snack on healthy, pathetically-low calorie yet nutritious stuff that's fun (if you like fighting your way into food)... Shell-on Sunflower Seeds (I like 'em salted) Shell-on Pistachios (ditto). Chestnuts (eaten raw and crunchy) (sssslurp!) Lightly salted Celery sticks. Shell-on Shrimp (you can share them with Heidi). Tangerines. Non-pitted Black or Green Olives. ...you get the picture. Anything fiddly that takes ages to eat and which you can 'dip into' here and there. And if you over-do it - just skip the next sit-down meal. "Oh, and my dad wants to file the applications. I’ll fill out both with him over the weekend so he doesn’t end up putting down some nonsense." WOW! More good news!....WANTS to! How did you manage that?! “Found your spider. Nosferatu is the German nickname for it, it's Latin name is Zoropsis Spinimana, nicknamed the Fake Wolf Spider…” Oh yeah, that’s exactly it. Creepy little spider ewwww :D" Lightweight! hahahaha! Nah. Just takes catch-and-release practise. Worth it for the lightning reflexes though ("SLAP!, how DARE you!" hahahahahah...haaaa.....) "“Plastic beer mug held from high above it (so they don't see it coming) - whammo! - (spider goes into motionless shock for a second so) ...with your other hand, gradually/gently slide some thin card or rigid paper (I used a sealed bank statement letter) against the floor and underneath the cup (ensure you don't create any space around the cup rim for it to slip out through)....Turn it like that, upside-down, ...tap-tap on the envelope/card to make the spider fall to the bottom of the cup, take it outside...remove card and tap-tap the bottom of the cup (unless it just jumps down/out)....release far from the house. (50 Pence, please, thank-you.)” Yeah, that’s actually the best method. I’m just not always brave enough to get that close to something creepy-crawly."" Tsk. You're a HUNDRED TIMES BIGGER than those poor spiders! Start on the Crane Flies - "Daddy Long Legs" as they're called in UK. Or even moths. There must be very few things worse than being unable to chuck-out spiders and having to rely on your partner. Go on - give it a go.... 'Face the fear and do it anyway'....Maybe you'll surprise yourself? "Last year the house centipede was my final boss." Huh? Final BOSS? "In the end I managed to trap it with a glass bowl and stacked about 20 books on top so it couldn’t escape (those mfs are almost faster than light)," Yup - been there. "and then I waited all shaken up until my fiancé came home to release the beast back into freedom :D" Well - you did the hardest part - pouncing and catching it - by yourself so... Why is the end, release bit so scary? "“What's he like, then? Does he pull his weight fairly? Any talents? Does he cook? Sporty or Cerebral? (Or both?) If you both cycle, he's probably sporty, eh. Does he make you laugh? Is he furry, like Heidi? LOL Does he purr like Heidi? HAHA!” Oh yes, he really pulls his weight in everything,"" Lovely...tha'ss wot I like to hear... "sometimes he even does more than I do around the house :D" Well, yeah, but - he's not injured and in recovery, is he. So proportionately - that's fair. (And ucking impressive!...which makes it so on BOTH counts!) "And also all the stuff he does for my parents. He’s also the one who almost always cooks (and he’s really good at it too)." You luckybicz! :))))))) "He used to be very sporty and did parkour, but that was years ago. Neither of us are really sporty now, and at the moment we’re both on the slightly chubbier side, him a bit more than me :D" More sex. And hoovering. "He’s really funny and always manages to make me laugh :D" EM-PA-THYYYYYYY, YEAY! "He loves building things and is very handy. Over the last few years we’ve tackled a few projects together, and it was always super cool to see the finished result and actually be able to use it :D" Excellent! Like what? "I’ll probably get around to replying to the rest by the weekend. See ya then :)" Haha - N/A cos I've got your next already...

Pssst! "and at the moment we’re both on the slightly chubbier side, him a bit more than me" THAT'S why the fib about becoming fat AND a smoker! Cos HE'LL have to lost weight, too. Well... YES, HE WILL. (Awwwwwww....haha!) Tell him I said: Nice try, pal. But, not nice enough. (Mischievious cackle)

(Which reminds me: don't listen to today'sn English people when they say it as, "mis-cheeee-vous". It's "MISS-chi-vous". It's also not 'contra-ver-see. It's "con-TROV-uh-see" (controversy). So bladdy fuuh-king there, phwar-phwar, tally-ho!)

I'm going to have supper now (just noticed it's 1am and I haven't eaten today yet). If I pass-out after, I'll do your second tomorrow (day to myself, whoohoo!). PS: Cool new poster, btw. Tress witty. Had me in stiches. Philameena, her name is - check her out, say Hi. She reminds me of you. :

Heyyyyy, my mouth fell off! ) (There you go...hynah-hahahaha! (snort)) (I've slipped into Muck-About mode... means Mr Spock wants to sleep (I've overused him) and let Kirk take the floor...cos obviously he's the one with the SOH...and wanders all over the place.) (Blame Philameena - she started it, hahahahah!)

I've got a headache. And I'm not sleepy. Nervous energy coming out (now that the 'storm' is over(-ish)). Think I'll discharge it through my fingers (too physically tired to have my usual bop...plus, I'm listening to Smooth FM...REO Speedwagon's "I'm All Out Of Love"...not very boppy... - no, wait - they've just said it was Air Supply. (SOUNDS like REO Speedwagon, anyway!) (Someone should tell them, haha.) "Sorry, it's been a bit later than the weekend. I had to go back to the dentist on Friday because my chin was about twice as thick as normal. I've been prescribed antibiotics, and they completely knocked me out over the weekend." Yep. You're sorry - I'm sorry - Balance is sorry - we're all sorry. For having lives. Busy-busy ones. Too busy. What can ya do? NUFFINK. Except, keep having a whinge (vent out the steam)... Me, I never DREAMED I could be this busy. I thought 2017 onwards was the busiest and hardest-working I'd ever been or would ever have to be! I was wruh.....wruh.....WRONGGGGGG! UK was just training for now. Urrrrgh. So, you were doing a Desperate Dan impression? Oh, no - knocked you out?? "So, here we go:" Haha - do I need to fasten my seatbelt or summat? "“How's your heatwave?” "The weather situation here is really crazy right now. In the past few weeks in the mornings, when I cycle to work, I had to wear long pants, a hoodie, and even a jacket. It was really chilly outside, around 10–14 °C. But by the time I left work, it suddenly jumped to 35–39 °C," WOAH! " so every morning I had to pack something for Mordor weather to change into before heading home. That already felt a bit like fall weather, except in fall it usually doesn’t get this warm during the day anymore." That's what it's like in Spain outside of actual Summer!...You have to take extra clothing or a change of clothes with you! From extreme to extreme. ('You were saying, Greta...?') "It also hadn’t rained for a long time." Snap. "Almost every day the forecast said it would rain, but nothing happened." Not Snap. "And when it did rain, it poured down so heavily that you constantly could hear the fire truck sirens because so many basements got flooded." Snap (couple of days ago...Monday avo onwards til Tuesday Night). Here, it's called a Gottafria, and September is it's usual month. (Came here in 2010 and the roads were like rivers, fast-flowing where they featured downhills...my hire car became a row-boat at one point...but with no oars! Felt like James Bond *I did not*.) I saw on the news this week, that Benidorm beach was flooded, as well as (obvs) the whole town itself. And Valencia had storm winds so strong they snapped fully-grown palm trees in half. (Poor ol' Valencia, it seems to be the main target of late.) There are no words.... Except maybe for: "NNNNOWWW, WILL YOU FOOLS PICK UP YOUR RUDDY LITTER, AAAARGH!". ""The last few weeks we also had repeated about 3–4 days in a row of Mordor non-stop where it didn’t cool down at night at all."" Snap again! "On Thursday two weeks ago I went a little brain-fried at work because of the heat." Snap! "My office is on the sunny side and I only have blinds on the window and a small fan. It was disgusting. I think it was about 37-39 °C in my office." Uuuuuugh - WHAT-AH?! Aren't there laws against that? " I drank three liters just during work that day, and from noon on I had a wet towel wrapped around my head or neck (evaporative cooling for the win). I literally couldn’t think anymore because it was so hot. I don’t think I’ve ever messed up so many easy tasks in one day :D When I got home that evening, I fell straight into bed and slept through the rest of the day until the next morning." SSSSSSSSNAP! "I mean, I’m glad that it cools down at night now, but these harsh changes in temperature and air pressure are really f*ing me up :D I constantly have headaches" Snaaaaaap. "and sometimes trouble with my circulation. Today it’s cloudy and 24 °C and it’s so stuffy you could cut the air. But it seems like the first glimpse of fall is hitting us." Snapety-snap. "And I’m here, ready for the best season. Let the leaves fall to the ground and the temperature and atmosphere get spooky, please!!" Definitely Not Snap, hahaha. I would have been okay had my Spring preparations not turned-out to have been in total vain, and could have just beached it like I'd (ha.ha.ha.ha.ha.HA!) planned. (Planning...Planning....I remember Planning...) "“Reminds me of a joke (80s...probably not very good, but, it's too hot to care, haha)... "There's this Red Indian tribe...and, whenever a new baby is born, the Tribe Elder, whose job it is to name his tribe members, carries the baby into the wilderness and then returns hours later with a name. One day, out of intrigue, this adolescent Brave follows the Tribe Elder to find out how he does it. The Elder spots him though, stops and spins around.... "Why you follow me?" The Brave admits, "I just want know secret of how you manage all these years to come up with sooo many new names!' "Oh, that no mystery", says the Elder. "It simple...I cary baby to highest ledge on yonder mountain and, first thing I see, I name baby after. For example: I see eagle flying? Baby named Flying Eagle. I see Thunder coming? Baby named Angry Sky........... Surely you could have guessed, Two Dogs F**king? :D (?)” I actually knew that one already :D but yeah, it’s a good one :DD"" Awwww, WHAAAT?! (slaps forehead) Tsk. That won't do. I'll have to think of another. "“Well, they must feel like they died and went to Heaven, with a couple of bend-over-backwards merchants like us, eh! Seriously, I have never had a cat like her, including her incredible affectionate-ness. And I've never had a cat I've wanted to spoil so much (with good food, I mean...a variety of three things, usually). She spends minutes (hours to a cat) nuzzling my forehead and now my cheeks and chin (I come away with a fluff-covered face...good job she's worth it). There again, I AM a champion cat-stroker and massager so... (lol). What are your special talents in Heidi's eyes, do you think?” I think Heidi simply appreciates my calm nature and sees me as a retreat. The clinic is very hectic, so with me she can always relax (Just today I experienced it again: she came running to me, with a patient right behind her, phone camera at the ready…)." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!.... Like a female celebrity being chased by Papparazi, you mean?! :D!!! (Don't YOU start!) (Ow, my sides!!) (PS: 'No pictures!' :D!) Here - I've had a great idea. Make extra surgery income (or for some charity) by organising a photo booth for paid-for photos with Heidi (she'd have to sit on your lap, with you wearing a sheet to match the background)...like you get at school reunions! It'd have to be pre-booked, of course, with only a handful of shots per day? Bet you anything they'd pay, though. It'd make a great Facebook entry for the parents re. their kids' 'adventures' - which, in turn, would be FANTASTIC marketing for your surgery (ta-daaaa!). AND turn Heidi's previous 'owners' Green. AND permanently disempower the (cat-hating) Bitching Barrys and Berthas. Wojafink? (And you could pay Heidi per shot, to make her look forward to it...a handful of Treats?) " And of course, she gets her favorite treats :D And I believe she really enjoys the cuddles she gets whenever I have time." Course! " Sometimes, even with food, her favorite snacks, or a freshly fluffed-up cozy spot to sleep, she’ll still wind around my legs and snuggle up to me until I pet her for a while :)" Shame we can't introduce Heidi and Fluffy. They sound similar natured, I think they'd get on famously. (HAHAHA - just caught myself. I sound like a mad cat person already!) (...Oh, well...)) "“However! The happy news is, my UK bestie and next-doorsie, who used to live in Spain and adores high heat (Iranian blood, I reckon) wants to come visit in November to see if they like it enough to either visit frequently and regularly (half working/helping, half holiday). That would definitely help considerably because along with the bigger stuff is the petty stuff, like having a seriously heavy coffee table that needs two to shift (so I can remove and clean the rug)....that sort of thing. And the moral support. The friends over here have turned out to be unreliable or not in a POSITION to be relied upon. (It's leaking out, the fact that Spain isn't in anywhere near as good a state as it would have the rest of the world believe.) (They shoulda just asked me!) (Ooh, maybe it was me who started it? After all, I've been mentioning it/complaining a lot on here since...my first year, actually. ...Oooh. ....HAHA!)” "Oh, that’s great you’re getting a visit :) I’m sure it’ll feel really good to have some support around."" God, yeah. It'd mean I could stay in this house, and NOT disrupt Fluffy (I'd have to take her with me - no question about it). PS: Her new nickname is Fishy-Face. Or Cute-Bum (she sashays like a model). Or Fluffy Boo-Boos-wooodgy-woodgy (and other toddler add-on adjectives). Have you started talking in "Sh-es" yet? I have: Wouldjsh oo wike shome num-numsh, den? Need to be careful with that....Don't wanna be coming out with it unintentionally in a shop or something ("Shcooze-me...can you chell me where da Bakes Beansh are?") Already, I asked my recent guest if they'd 'like a fwesh dwinkie?'. "“Oh, and btw - that pulsing signal that's been taken for comms from an alien craft since the 60s(?). Turns out it's a White Dwarf.” Which one exactly do you mean?" Can't remember now. It was a recent news item, though. About a month back? I'll google it tomorrow. "Actually, there have been many, many, many of those “mystery signals” since the 60s, when the SETI project started (SETI = Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence). Most of them turned out to be either certain types of white dwarfs sending out radio pulses, or pulsars, super fast spinning stars that emit bursts of radio waves, like cosmic lighthouses in space." Ooh, I say! You certainly know your stuff? In THAT case - YOU can google it! :) "So most likely, it will never actually be aliens." Whaaaaaaaaah! (throws lighter and coaster in a fit of disappointed rage) "Don’t get me wrong, I’m convinced there are other species out there, even intelligent ones," Well, YEAH - I'm ONE of them! And they promised they'd be back (sob). "but from what we know right now: if they exist, know that we exist and want contact, we’ll only know when they’re already here." Haven't we found microscopic life on Mars, as prove other life must exist? "They must have such advanced technology, and probably a completely different understanding of physics. Even having “beaten” the E=mc² limitation, to be able to cross those distances." Yeah, but, even saying 'beaten' what, for us, is a limitation, could be a subjective belief, non-applicable to them (fink abaad id). Plus - the Wormholes as eradicate the distance? Dunno tho - I'm not an expert so I'm happy to bow to your specialist- sorry, shpeshalisht shubject (oh yesh she ish), haha. "Some planets," It's pronounced 'planetsh'. Hahahaha (sorry - can't stop mucking about!). "for example, would never allow space travel at all, because their gravity is too strong and their resources would never be enough to leave their surface (at least not with rockets. In that respect, we’re actually really lucky with Earth. In so many ways: Earth 4 evaa <3)" I know that bit, yes (yesh). The Earth doesn't hold REMOTELY near the amount of resources it would take to go further than we've managed (thanks to the Space Station eradicting the take-off fuel normally needed for overcoming Gravity). "And even traveling to Proxima Centauri b, basically our only nearby option for a potentially habitable planet, our cosmic neighbor about 4.2 light-years away, would take about 10,000–20,000 years with today’s technology." (Shoots hand up in the air - "Me - me - pick me!") (And an extra seat for Fluffy.) "All hope really rests on fusion energy. Maybe in a few generations, a working fusion drive will make it possible to reach Proxima in about 150 years instead." ("Still pick me!") But, yeah, I've read about that part. Recently, I think? You really do know a lot about this stuff, don't you. Coo. "But never say never, maybe we will make such progress that we will be able much sooner than expected and can travel even longer distances, Wormholes maybe :D" Hah - snap! "or they really find us first." That one. "I’ve spent nights looking through SETI Data or Breakthrough Listen Data to find some anomalies, because it’s really exciting and, of course, I'm absolutely curious to see if we actually find something (in my lifetime). An alien pen pal from Kepler 22b (my favorite exoplanet) would be really nice ;D" What am I - chopped Liver? ;p Nah... I jest. I'm from Xena. "Sorry got a little outta hand, I’ll stop right here :D Otherwise this will be an endless monologue of the universe’s Beauty and potential Beings and happenings." Well, thanks a lot... I was just getting into that! :p “If you ask me: WE are the aliens. We needed a physical form when needing a new planet, spotted the branch of apes with opposable thumbs (to which we beans owe everything), 'flew' into the newborns, and it's THEY that are "the Soul". Hence you get constant conflict between what the Ape wants and what the Alien knows is more intelligent OR VICE VERSA....coming out with phrases like, 'I didn't mean that' (to which I always say - Then who did? Father bleedin' Christmas? Whassee doing in there anyway? Did you eat him? (etc).)” Ah, so we’ll be repeating this soon then and maybe we won’t even need fusion drive if you're right :D Maybe next time it won’t be apes but something else. Do you think they’ll have thumbs too? :D…And I guess that same conflict will exist again, between the instincts of whatever new species we “borrow” and the knowledge our alien souls bring along. Like some super-intelligent amoeba with thumbs (maybe) vs. the eternal alien mind :D" Yeah - you gottit! Well done. "We" - today - aren't the ones that landed here, are we. Plus, it preceded recordable communication (although, you can see why archeologists are so fascinated with cave-paintings, can't you...after all, there is such a thing as inherited memory so...?). Ah...switch of topic... ************** “Basically, you just need to unpack your life luggage and get rid of the crud whilst keeping the right/correct stuff in terms of what you were taught were "the rules" as far as you were concerned. E.g. you were taught to be polite back, even when the other person was a giant ahole - right? Despite that went against your instinct to 'give 'em What For' back - right? Because we can plainly see - you can bite back really sassily and with wit. So if you were BORN with that - who clucked it out of you as you grew-up?” A few years ago I’ve thought a lot about what in my childhood might have shaped me into the person I am now. Some things I can see more clearly today. I kind of grasp where they might come from, but I don’t really know what to do with that information :D" Answer: See the matching dot and join it to the original dot. That's all. It's just super-super-handy to have read your own User Manual. That way, you don't shove a banana into your VCR slot and then wonder why things have gone Pleugh. Alternatively, if you've ALREADY shoved one in there - you'll naturally, automatically know how to remove it (cleanly), as well as TO remove it. (Sense?) "There were certain events in my childhood where I think I learned: + not to show pain, or that showing it would only make things worse." Tsk. "+ that anger or destructive impulses weren’t allowed, and that I always had to be kind instead." Tsk. "+ it’s safer to hide or play along instead of showing myself openly." Tsk-tsk. "+ That I’m responsible for keeping the peace, like I had to be the mediator even as a little kid." PFFFFFFFFFFFFFF! "So I know that, and I know it’s bullshit." THAT'S the word - yes - thanks! "I’ve made some progress in some of those things, like finally facing my health issues and the fears that come with them (for example, my fear of the dentist." Yeah, I noticed. :) "And also in communication with, for example, my fiancé, that I can admit without feeling guilty when I’m not doing well)" What a RELIEF, eh? "Also, that lightsaber thing helps me with just being my true self when it comes to expressing my emotions (still needs a bit of adjustment)." YUH. And - course! "I also think that in other aspects I still haven’t really figured out what’s going on, or I don’t know how I can manage to change/ erase learned behavior/reactions." You just see through the BS and your mind does the rest, starting with a fresh attitude...which is like changing a backdrop colour from something subtle to something deep and saturated whereby these things finally stand out (like sore thumbs). Conscious You need to no more than that. In fact, broadly speaking, you've just 'right now' done it. Now list them again in reverse, e.g., 'showing pain is good, only natural, and makes things better (in the real world with healthy-mindeds, anyway). OR you can shorthand it to just, 'Ahhhh, f*ckit - who gives a sh*t- life's too short'. But not TOO far, obvs. “I reckon you ARE going to have kid, but will be (i.e. only SEEM to be!) a slightly older mum, and that (for biologically-factual as well as baggage-sifting reasons) you'll stay fertile for longer than the average woman. Cats/pets are baby substitutes or practise-babies, see. Your actions give you away. AND me! I definitely am gagging for a grandkid!” Well, if it happens, then it happens :D but I’m not aiming for it. Cats would really be enough for me :D" Right now they are, yeah. But you can't speak for Future You to that degree. You can only speak for Past you. Because, She, you DO have experience of and, therefore, conclusive/diagnostic basis. Unless you have your own personal wormhole, of course. But then we get into confusing territory, i.e. if time-travel were possible, you could turn the whole world chaotic, starting with yourself......even eradicate your own existence... which would mean there WAS no 'present occasion' when you travelled down said wormhole. So time travel, if it existed, would cancel itself out. (Try Alka Seltzer haha!) Ever read about Schrodinger's Cat? "“Haha, the amount of times I've looked at Fluffy and said, 'Oh, if only you were a giant cat and could help me carry this in!" ...the food shopping, usually...it's all big family and jumbo packs around here so it's masses of heavy bagfuls just for a basic shop and, with the heat you can't bear to be in, of course the temptation is to carry four bags in each hand. Plus at the check-outs, they go too fast whereby you're holding up the queue as you pack, so feel pressured to hurry (where your face starts dripping in sweat til you can't see what you're packing!)... And then there's the putting everything away. Supermarket shopping in Spain as a single person should be a sodding Olympic sport! Anyhoo...I don't mind things that keep me fit, but not that pull my muscles or necessitate gritting my teeth and making UUUUURGHFFF! noises as I struggle.” "I can totally imagine that haha, sometimes it would really be super helpful. That’s funny, I always thought lightning-fast checkout was such a German thing :D it immediately reminded me of this: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/22D6rPYDZsM"" I was thinking it was just a Spanish thing! In England, the staff will actually wait a minute if asked, to give you a chance to load the conveyorbelt before he/she starts ringing-up. Here, they just ignore you and go blurry handed. Lemmie click that link... HAHAHAHAHA! - THAT'S EXACTLY IT! I'm not as compliant as him, though. I'll go deliberately slower without looking up any anyone so that the cashier has to help me pack to finally get rid of me. (Now, that's what you CALL, 'What you call, 'Going floppy on the supermarket floor', hahahahah!) But that's because I refuse to be bullied or peer-pressured. BTW, why does he smirk at the end when he refuses the receipt? ((Nah, mate, you're missing a trick - you wanna waste a few more seconds by folding it hurriedly thus messily but then tutting before re-folding it so that it's a perfect square, and then faff around trying to decide which wallet pocket to slip it into.)) I'm terrible, Muriel. :D "“Flying Ants. That's another Ugh, but with a "ff" on the end - Ughff. Ants should NOT turn into miniature, creepy birds, ooh nooo.” haha yeah, what’s also really annoying when cycling, especially in the morning, are those little flies that always swarm around the fields. You never see them until you ride right through and suddenly they’re all over your face…and if you’re unlucky, in your mouth :( Free protein shake, right? :D" Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh! Yeah - free sample of tomorrow's new sustainable ingredients. ('Yeeeaaah-no...I'm fine, I don't need to eat or drink anyway, thanks, I only do it for fun. Anyway, I ate last month already...'.) What type of fly, anyway? "“You should hear the crickets here when the humidity peaks. It's so loud you wouldn't believe it!” Oh, I can imagine. I used to go on vacation in Spain with my parents quite often as a kid." Oh - you did! " As soon as it got even slightly dark, they were really loud." Yeah-but-no-but - they're noisy in the daytime now, too! (Go ahead, Greta.) “"One of my faves is to point (arm at half-mast) at them and ask - "You f*ck-offie?" And when they say, 'Pardon?!', I say it straight, loudly: "I said - You for coffee?", while making a twiddling motion beside my ear with my fingers and mouthing audibly, 'TUURN IT UUUUUUP. The other thing, similar to the Que one - start ranting, all offended and outraged, at them in mock Cantonese. They won't know, hahaha. Just think of all the chinese you've heard on the telly and go for it: "Yaaaa, mai no CHEE-CHING (finger-stab)", etc. And don't forget the "Hwooooars" here and there (as in, I should slap you one, I should!). The fact you're clearly NOT Chinese, let alone Cantonese, I find, COMPLETELY dumbfounds all Iffies and Niffies....like you've pressed their Pause button. They just blank-stare at you, completely lost for words and with no clue how to react or respond!” "Haha, those are good ones :D I already have a method that works for that kind of guy who doesn’t take no for an answer or keeps following me around, and it’s kind of similar to the cantonese mocking. I just go completely insane, like laughing as if I just broke out of a psych ward, talking to myself like Gollum, random screaming, or suddenly singing a song in a creepy way." HAHA - that sounds really fun! (My!...The things we have in-common.) ('Nannoo-nannoo!', haha) "Always worked, they instantly turned around and walked away." Yeah, I'll bet! "Knock on wood, I haven’t had to do it very often yet." You ever seen footage of Dom Joly on Trigger Happy TV (80s series)? “"Next time, set Zero Tolerance and have the person removed from your surgery immediately. His full-on behaviour was a red flag of a dangerous social and sexual predator. He's practised that for YEARS to get to the level he's degenerated to today/with you. Same as rapist don't suddenly wake up one morning and think, Today I'm going to rape someone. They start off with Inappropriate Behaviour that isn't even hidden or conducted purely behind closed doors (albeit your incident does count as *semi* behind closed doors) (AND grossly inappropriate as well as downright disrespectful!).” "I told my doctor about it back then, and she said I should call her if anything happened (her office is right next to mine) and that she would talk to him together with our boss if he didn’t behave, but that it wasn't enough reason to kick him out. I was just glad that for the rest of his rehab I wasn’t alone in the office anymore, since our volunteer I supervised back then was back from a seminar. He also wasn’t quite as gross after that."" Oh, you did - oh, good! Not enough reason to kick him out? Maybe not. But it was certainly enough for the practise manager to have a word with him, and 'ask' that he speak more respectfully and befittingly to the experts on her books in-future, thank-you. Did SHE raise the idea of kicking him out or not, or had it been you that suggested he should be? Because if she just came out with that - it's a typical over-exaggeration behind which to hide cowardice and fear of "awks" confrontations, and... tut-tut, basically. He was creepy AND called you Little One. That's like him tearing off your war medals, where he's a Grunt and you're an Officer (and you haven't even done anything to even slightly provoke the situation, just saluted). Did you ask for the HR Handbook regarding surgery policies so that you can read up on WHAT forms of professional managerial support you CAN expect as well as are entitled to by law? Still, it's good her office is next-door to yours. Also reckon, if anyone DID try to get aggressive or freak you out, at this point Heidi might well go for them ("GERROFF MY LOVELY MUM!" - CHOMP!). Or at least hiss and yowl, claws out. “(Ooh, just remembered another common bat-back when a stranger acts like you're public property. "Cheer up!...It might never happen!, hur-hur". Me (neither audibly enough nor inaudibly): "It just fckn did". Or (all straight-faced): "No, I can't smile...not since the accident".” OHHH HAHAHA, that’s diabolical XDD and absolutely brilliant. I’ll remember that :D" It's being a bit evil, BACK (that accident one) - aye. (I don't ever start things, but I definitely finish them.) Obviously, it depended on how it was SAID. Sometimes, it was meant friendlily, in which case, they'd get something cute n funny back. But still a verbal full-stop. For me, however, these were more social experiments than anything...a great excuse for. I do adore banter, though - or verbal ping-pong, whatever you want to call it. *************** “Start investigating care homes - where they can be taken in together as a couple, in one of those sheltered, assisted housing complexes (assuming you have them?). Not because you're suddenly going to do anything about it. But to de-sensitize you in-time for when you have to. I.e. get over it before it even happens.” Of course, I looked into that years ago." Well - 'of course' to dynamic types like thee and me, but,...you'd be surprised how many put it off...and off...and off. But, GOOD - you're ahead of me. "There’s a nice care home nearby that also offers assisted living, and they could even move in together there." Sounds perfect! Particularly it's proximity. **************** "“Brighton. Definitely Brighton. It's beautiful these days cos a load of Spaniards have moved there and prettied up all the allies with typical Spanish hanging pots and baskets from balconies, etc., and the council crystal-clearly purified the water (stopped dumping sewage?) to make it more attractive to tourists because I went there a couple of years before leaving UK and - no bull - the seawater was, for the first time since I'd ever known the place (since a nipper), the colour of a Blue Slush Puppy! It was a-maaa-zing - I didn't even know it COULD be that colour in England! Previously, it had been typically English-beach Green-Brown (ew!...now we know it's NOT just the fault of the dark brown sand on the seabed!). Brilliant place...where all the creatives and artists live. Art galleries galore - even in people's front living-rooms along the terraced houses just back from the pavement! Brilliant pier! Loads to do. Superb vibe. Fab restaurants and unique boutique shops selling really cool, unique stuff. Also, loads of really good street entertainers.” "Yeah, I’ve seen some videos and stuff about Brighton. It looks really beautiful. There’s also an artist I like who, I think, lives there, or at least plays there on the streets with his band every now and then. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSeCuR51rek&list=PLo25me9b8lqD-rwpU3uimr_QaVByd-qUC"" Bloody Hell - he's good! (Haha - love the weird facial contortions.) (He's incredibly pale for a Black guy, though, isn't he?) (ducks rotten tomatoes). If I'd come across them, playing, during my visit, I would definitely have pulled up a chair for the whole afternoon and shoved a good Tenner into their hat. "“Hmm....I wonder if you can get married on any of Brighton's beaches?” "Would be nice :D Since we can’t get married at the beach like we thought :( they only do symbolic ceremonies there, so it wouldn’t be legal on paper and I also couldn’t take his last name. Sooo we changed plans, and it’ll be at a lighthouse not far from that beach :D Maybe a few years into the marriage we can do a little “refresh” at the beach with a symbolic ceremony :)"" Really?? It that the same with the ones they do at Caribbean beach resorts? And was it always the case or has something changed? A lighthouse setting is great too, though. "AND Once again, screw the bureaucracy here in Germany… it’s a wonder I don’t have to smear a parchment with our blood and bury it under a certain tree on the 12th moon of the year…" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! "I was told by the registrar that I can only take care of everything half a year before we plan to get married. So right now, I can’t reserve or apply for anything yet. The documents we need for the wedding can’t be older than 4 months and, of course, they also take several weeks to process… stressful already :D" Aww, ffs. Just go to Vegas. Or Gretna Green (Scotland, UK). And then do the Reception, make THAT the guest event...on a beach! Beach party - yeah, baby! “Maybe we’ll go to Brighton to freshen it up :) It sounds really beautiful, definitely a place I want to see at some point in my life." Yeah. You definitely wouldn't be disappointed with Brighton. Especially in Summer. And take your swimming gear so that you can confirm whether or not, when you swim in the 'new, Bluer sea', you come out looking like a Smurf (because the council are just dumping Blue dye instead, LOL...wouldn't put it past any UK coastal council, actually). "“Fingers crossed I don't get put under as deeply as yesterday when I was out for 14 hours straight when I really didn't want to be! It's obviously my survival instinct doing that, when the temperature + humidity is too much. ” "with that kind of heat I wouldn’t be able to do anything but sleep either… I really hope it cools down soon for you so you can finally catch a break."" It has, cheers. Still hot in the day BUT the nights are a LOT cooler. Like early June again. The pool's a bit chilly, but the sea's still warm. I'm going to try and get on the beach again (went a few times with guest) next week if I possibly can. Top-up my tan to see me through Winter. I find I look less knackered with a tan, and if I look less knacked, I feel less knacked as well. "“But I'll need to re-set my timeclock soon as said guest is a morning lark...bed by 11pm, up at 8am (ermagheeerd!).Still...saying that - they know where the kitchen is. :D Maybe I'll stock up on luxury breakfast food so they're still eating by 10am? Bed by 2am, up at 10am I can manage. And I've earned it cos I spent decade after decade getting up (for London) at 5 sodding a.m. and attending "Breakfast Meetings" by 7am in trendy (noisy) bistros (a Yuppie trend back then). Who the beep eats breakfast at 7 bloody a.m.??” "RIIIGHT? I don’t get that either :D I need my coffee (or two) just to get started and function enough to even make it to work, can’t eat this early :D 9–10 is my breakfast time. I hate it when we go on holiday and the hotel breakfast is 7–9… whyyy??? :D" I KNOWWW! Who gets up at their normal time for work when on holiday! Probably, the earlier and briefer they make it, the more people order Room Service (ker-chinggg!). I don't eat breakfast at all, though. Nor lunch - unless it's a late one, which counts as an early supper. I only eat supper. I might forage straight from the fridge at some point in the day, though, to shut my tummy up for a bit if I'm in the middle of something. *********************** "______________ quick update: Today I had another dentist appointment and another root canal treatment, which went well. The antibiotics I was prescribed on top of it worked well. I hope it keeps going like that, I really don’t want to have to cancel the meetup with the girls on Friday. On Monday we set a time for Friday and roughly talked about what we want to do :) I’m soooo looking forward to it." I can imagine, yes! "Just like the good old times, sitting in the park with snacks and drinks (if the weather plays along), chatting, and maybe afterwards going to a café, our old Turkish takeaway we used to go to, or to one of our homes, we’ll just decide spontaneously :)" Good plan (er - non-plan)! "This is exactly what I’ve been missing for years." Yyyyyyyup, yuppety, YUP. "The meetups in the friendship with Slinky were always tied to some kind of event, it was a must that you already knew in advance exactly what you were going to do that day. Spontaneity was rare—only very occasionally we just met up for no reason or decided to do something spontaneously." I like to plan but I also like to veer completely 'off-piste' once I'm there. "Just the fact how uncomplicated it was to set this up now… insane!!! No endless back and forth texting, just “can you make it then and wanna do this and that?” – “yes” – “great, see you then.” Ah-hah. Yuh...they complicate and try to control EVERYTHING. "BUUT I do have a few concerns though, which are probably just me overthinking or judging too early :D" Understandable since you're just recently 'bitten'. Totally natural fall-out. "I saw on one of my friends’ social media statuses that she visited a modern church. That got me curious, because right now I’m actually diving a little into religion, biblical texts, and religious philosophy, mostly because of Twenty One Pilots, who are Christians and sometimes weave that subtly into their music. I find it really interesting how religious people interpret texts from TOP and the story differently than I do. That, to me, is art: music with deep lyrics and a story to tell, one that everyone can interpret in their own way, and in a way that truly makes sense to each person/way you think of." You're very into proper poetry, then? "There’s even a theory that the Twenty One Pilots storyline is a reinterpretation of Dante’s Inferno. Others suggest that the Nicolas Bourbaki Group, a collective of French mathematicians publishing under a pseudonym, and Simone Weil (the sister of one of Bourbaki’s members) also play a role in the story. According to Wikipedia, she was a French social revolutionary, philosopher, mystic, and author." She must have been mad-busy, then? "In the middle of World War II, while suffering from tuberculosis (the illness she later died from), she wrote a book called 'The Need for Roots: Prelude to a Declaration of Duties Towards Mankind'. It’s about the needs of the human soul, almost a guideline for what a person, or the soul, requires in order not to fall into chaos, also in a political sense. Super interesting! (Yesss, that actually has to do with the band, sometimes I can’t even believe myself how deep and complex it is.) uuuhm… slight tangent, sorry :D" That's okay? Again, I was into it and then you knocked the needle off the record with your 'sorry'. Oh, lookie here....Ist this another bit of useless parental baggage I see before me? Told you were going on and on too much, were you? Well, anything I don't know, I'm into. You carry on, luv - s'fine by me! If you get lost down a topical side-alley - I'll remember where we veered-off from and lead us back to the main road, no wozzies. "Anyway, I googled that church and unfortunately found out that it’s a free church that represents a very conservative religious worldview and practices (no sex before marriage, homosexuality is an illness, Women are responsible for the housework, the children, and their husband etc.)." Stuck in the past, eh? Ooh, now THERE'S a familiar symptom of pathology! "The leader of this church has often been criticized for being very authoritarian - ((tick!)) and for practicing these so-called “faith healing” services ((tick!)), I’m really getting strong cult-like vibes from that…. ((I can see why!))" "(I For me, that’s absolutely alarming and, in my opinion, the biggest red flag not to join such a church. They also place huge emphasis on recruiting new members through friends and family." (Tick!) Me, I didn't think churches were supposed to 'recruit' - just accept. "I’m a bit afraid that my friend (if she really goes there regularly) might have been or could still be strongly influenced by that, and could become the kind of unpleasant person you can’t do anything with without them trying to convert you. (I had such a friend in my teenage years, and also the woman who led my confirmation classes, which I eventually quit because I simply wasn’t a believer, she was super pushy for about half a year, called me non-stop, even approached me in person on the street, and once even tried to bribe me with ice cream to still go through with confirmation)." Bloody Nora! "I honestly can’t imagine my friend living out religious fundamentalism and fanaticism, at least not if she’s still even remotely the person I once knew her as." I can. If she's a victim rather than Flying Monkey. Still, if anyone could draw her away from that, you could. "So I’ll find out on Friday or the following times when we meet how she deals with it." Yeah - do. "Basically, my opinion is of course! that everyone can have their faith, as long as it doesn’t hurt people or get seriously on my nerves (recruiting/converting me despite me declining several times). But yeah, it definitely leaves a bit of a “gschmäckle,” as we say in Swabia (=a weird aftertaste), when I look at that church…" Then that'll be because you can 'smell the slime'. You have excellent senses and instincts, remember? You were just treated too many times like you didn't - that's all. "I’ll try to give an update over the weekend on how the meeting went :)" You'd better? :D Anyway, it's GOOD to have a higher vigilance than before (just, never to-extreme). That was the lesson. To widen and turn-up your radar. Not everyone IS like you, or your calibre. What harm, frisking? Just a sensible response to what's just happened. I don't think your problem is with your urge to pre-frisk a bit. I think feeling somehow unreasonable, then guilty, about it, is at fault, when in actual fact, you're grounded and sensible enough to know DARN WELL it's just what any natural, intelligent empath SHOULD do (we have a lot to protect, do we not!). It creates Cognitive Dissonance in you, you see: I should frisk her, versus (simultaneously), I'm being unreasonable by wanting to frisk her. No, you're not, but - so what if you were, since it can't hurt anyone (but can forewarn thus protect *you*). I also suspect you get an aftershock - feeling *stupid* for having felt bad, too. You're probably the type who, when someone apologises, replies - It's okay. No, it feckn isn't okay. You'll need time to digest and decompress. From now on, just say - 'Thank-you for apologising'. You say 'it's okay' or 'it's fine' or 'it's no biggie' or 'let's forget it' and, a Narc will take that (conveniently) literally and (drum roll), not only avoid going on to do the subsequent, vital Debrief conversation, but, do it again the very next chance they get. That one goes in the same mistake box as, 'Please - make yourself at home!' or '...treat the place as if it were your own!'. Later, when the place looks like a bomb hit it, they'll go - 'BUT YOOOU SAAI-AAI-AAID....!', as if they'd have you believe they really ARE as thick and socially inept as two short planks (and never watched a TV in their life). Need to sleep for a bit now, will do your third message after. Looks like it's going to be a cloudy day, today (fingers crossed!...yesterday was that hot wind nonsense again). But just afore I go.... Has it ever occurred to you that the people who treated you as if you went on and on too much and/or were boring (whereby you beat them to it with sudden self-censoring), simply didn't have your level of intellect to keep up (or even grasp the meanings in what you were saying) - and (narc mis-wiring) felt inadequate *ergo* ("cuckoo!") that had to be YOUR fault ergo - MEHHHH! (slap!)...."stop going on so much!". ???? I mean - Lady? You've got one massive intellect in that bonce of yours! Would you say you've for too long been starved of truly intelligent conversations/connections (which tends to include the spiritual)? How's Fiance for that?

Just bumping you up to keep your thread active. Not a hint to reply - take your time, I know you're super-busy at the mo. Moi, aussi. :)

Just a quickie while you're waiting for me to input properly (I've read the whole thing to check whether you were on tenterhooks or something - because poor WT is): "I don’t know if I’m overinterpreting" Nope! Well done! "And even if it sounds mean, I honestly don’t want G. at my wedding. My gut tells me that." Nope! Doesn't qualify as mean. (I'll explain later, where it would.) Your only 'problem' is, your self-protection/preservation radar is SCHMOKIN'. Best problem in the world. :)

The way you dealt and are still 'dealing' with it was just...well...100% perfect! The only intelligent way TO have behaved! Toldja...big brains. :)

...Finally! ("pant-pant-gaaasp!"). So - into details over your third post (PS: how's you?)... "As promised, here’s the update:" Yep! You don't say what you don't mean. I've been noticing that. :) Like me... Just a case of By When, not If. Consistency... very rare these days (going by all evidence) (all present company obviously excepted). E.g., Trump declares that "the parrots ate 'em all"...and 'could be dead because of it'. (Get it?) He is SUCH a sh*t-stirrer... even when there isn't even any sh*t. He just throws in his own. Urrrgh. (Got shot at, ya say, Donny Too-Gone-y? No waaaaaay.) "I’m still really overwhelmed… it was soooooooooooo beautiful, and today was one of those days where I just have to believe in fate. It felt like we had never lost contact." Me, pleased as Punch for you (got slightly teary-eyed when I read this last time): :)))))))))) Just fabulous, missus. "There was zero awkwardness. Even though some of the girls are more in touch with each other than I am with them, it wasn’t awkward at all." They'd obviously missed you! "They included me in everything, so I could follow who or what they were talking about. We dug out sooo many anecdotes and laughed together." Yep. DEFINITELY very pleased to see you. "All day it was cloudy and raining," Tsk. May as well live in England, eh. "and on my way home from work I drove straight into a thunderstorm with heavy rain." What - on-purpose? ("Wheeeeee!", hahahahahaha, you dare-devil, you!) " We were supposed to meet at the park at 5 pm, which for a while was uncertain because of the weather." So you're not fond of a wet bottom, either? Good to know. :D " But exactly at 5 pm it was bright sunshine, just a few clouds in the sky." Yeah - bit too coincidental that, if you ask me.... Exactly at 5.... Crikey. That qualifies as a Schpookay, alright... "I was really surprised that so many people showed up," Ahhh. Bless. Still, that's understandable after having had sliver-after-sliver of your self-confidence chipped off under the table by Slinky. "I expected maybe 3, but in the end 5 came (let’s call them A., E., L., S., and G.). It honestly felt just like the old times." So, BASICALLY...you found out you're not (as a calibre-score) just 3 out of 5, you're FIVE out of 5! (See how that correlates?) "We went to a store like we used to back then, grabbed some drinks and snacks." What - grabbed and ran ...without paying?...in other words, 'we went shoplifting like in the good ol' days'? HAHAHAHAHAH! (sorry, couldn't resist) " We chatted a lot and updated each other a bit. Then we wanted to go to this Turkish place, but unfortunately it was closed, so we went to another restaurant instead, had good food and drinks, and just talked and talked and talked." ...and talked and talked and talked and.... :D And while we were talking, we managed to incorporate some more talking... Did your food go cold? PS: I've never tried Turkish Food (unless Turkish Delight counts?) - what's it like? Is it at all similar to Greek?...or is it more Arabic? "I didn’t bring up Slinky directly, but the conversation drifted at one point to “growing up, blah blah”" Yeah - growning-up....That's the key word, that is. You realise it's been TOO LONG for them to still have such a (bully of a) schoolchild's mentality. (And that it's not normal!) "and someone mentioned how stressful it is that some people are only after drama and can’t manage to behave like adults at an adult age." (There ya go. Also - spoken like a true adult, whomever she was. PS: She's a Keeper.) "I strongly agreed, and when S. said, “I do think there’s less drama since turning 30,” I replied, “Well, it depends on the right people. Believe me, I’m speaking from quite fresh experience.” But then the conversation shifted in another direction, so no one followed up on that, and I left it there." Me, re. less drama, I'd have said - 'Well, LUCKY *YOU*, then!'. Why do you suppose they veered away from the topic? Do you suppose it might have been like opening a can of worms due to almost everyone there having their own, long, (typically Narc-) complicated stories and there wasn't enough time? Or too early? "I vibed pretty well with everyone. I’m not entirely sure about L., since I didn’t talk as much with her. But with S., E., and A., I felt a real connection. " (S, E and A - right - got it.) (Do you mean you would have talked to L more but simply didn't get the opportunity to?) "With G. partly too, but she’s really the same as she used to be, and even back then I sometimes had the feeling she didn’t really like me, or was jealous, or in some kind of competition with me." Yup - Red Flag!... REMEMBER: if you feel it, it's because it exists AND because you have the De Luxe sensory equipment for feeling it - AND, at this juncture, because your senses (your radar range) are still heightened, courtesy of the still-fresh (relatively-speaking) events (hidden war) with Stinky. HOWEVER, I am happy to frisk her with you because obviously it's good to check until such time as your confidence level returns to Full. In other words - you KNOW now what competitor dressed as friend looks, feels and acts like...even the TEENIEST, TINIEST signs (that there aren't any words for, so elusive are they). I.e. you JUST KNOW. It's recognition, plain and simple. "There were a few moments today that really showed me that again. For example: I tell her what I do for work and where, and she asks if I’m happy there. I say yes, totally, I’m quite independent, like my colleagues, short commute, I’m really satisfied. She mutters, almost under her breath, “ugh, I kind of hate you right now.”" When I first read this, I out-loud yelled - 'SHEEEE WHAT-AH?!?!' In fact, that's so giant a sign it doesn't NEED a radar to detect it!....so no WONDER she 'muttered it' out of hearing range of the others. Yup - she's a Covert. And here's why: "I strongly agreed, and when S. said, “I do think there’s less drama since turning 30,” I replied, “Well, it depends on the right people. Believe me, I’m speaking from quite fresh experience.” But then the conversation shifted in another direction, so no one followed up on that, and I left it there." You basically declared that you were an experiential expert (- nothing wrong with that but this is a Narc and their ego-centric paranoia we're dealing with...) Now, then... S - whom stepped in to Minimize as well as wrest the topic out of the room - must be one of the ones who've been keeping in touch, as includes, with G....And S (and whichever others there that day) is therefore AWARE that G is guilty of constant dramas, ERGO, was trying to divert the potentially contentious topic...either to shield G or so as not to allow an opportunity for her to (wait for it) react dramatically to it ("You mean me, don't you - I KNOW you do!..." etc.) Or both. Seeing it? (And did you read the recent thread about the (pre-planned) emotional beating, set-up by a past schoolfriend(ish) under the auspices of a friendly, one-on-one reunion, and how it was nothing LIKE friendly? If not, I'll find the link for you.) "I go, “What? Why?” She listens to the others and doesn’t reply. Later I found out she’s currently job-hunting as a doctor." Good. NEXT time (her or anyone), you'll know to (a) either ignore and play Not Bothered (as in, you're too insignificant, darlin) or (b) instead to loudy and clearly say, 'HOW RRRRUDE!...You ask to know, am I happy in my job and when I reply in the affirmative, you tell me, 'ugh', followed by, 'you kind-of HHHHATE me right now?? Seriously? Darlin, if you don't wanna hear an answer that you, for some strange reason, won't like, then, I suggest you just refrain from asking the ruddy question'. And then laugh in a "Hah!" fashion, to signify, 'Ridiculous woman!'. And then BLANK her (i.e. be rude back). It's HER job to fix what she broke. Plus Rising Above doesn't work because these types are basically cripples with no legs (which is WHY they hitch a ride on your back, despite they know it'll gradually break it), meaning, you have to get down to THEIR level, but in a way that communicates that you're only visiting and are repulsed to have to be there, i.e. they've just PROVEN they feel inferior to you and-that's-your-fault (cuckoo), which means they've just made you superior. So, AS the superior (the grown-up), you're going to show them up, RIGHT IN FRONT OF ALL OF THEIR FRIENDS. (She deals it in front of friends? She gets slapped in front of friends. She insults you in front of friends? She apologises in front of friends. Dem's da roolz (of jungle law, which THEY AND ONLY THEY shunted normality and reality into). IOW, shove the 'naughty puppy's' face STRAIGHT AWAY in her own poo. (Animals don't understand cos they can't connect dots that are far apart/not consecutive. It has to be ACTIONCONSEQUENCE!,...you dealing with it INSTANTLY.) "I told her I find it amazing that she pulled off her own thing, studied medicine, and is now a doctor, and that she has my respect for making it on her path. When I said that, she rolled her eyes and just said “yeah thanks.” When someone else said it, she went all “ooooh thank you!”" CASE CLOSED - THE DEFENDENT IS GUILTY AS CHARGED. (No Reason & No Excuse to be downright obnoxious and hostile.) Yuck. "She also came up with anecdotes that either were made up or I just couldn’t remember." Exclusion attempt (aka one of many Isolation Tactics). "But she used to do that sometimes too, or maybe I just couldn’t remember back then either." Past Exclusion attempts. "Anyway, back in the day, people often confused us because we kind of look alike if you don’t look closely, both tall, slim, similar hair color and length. That always annoyed her a lot." That always annoyed her? A lot? SHE. IS. A. CHILD. A child bully. Of the Mean Girl variety (Benign but not quite Benign enough. Just Benign compared to the 'cleverer', more dangerous Malignants, that's all). But yeah...WHY DID SHE ASK THE QUESTION, THEN? Set-Up. Revenge. She thought you'd been told about her still-occuring dramas-after-dramas and were picking on her. (Great, though. Not.) (They really are everywhere you go, aren't they.) "Other examples from tonight: we were talking in the group about household appliances (of course, we’re all adults now and that’s the kind of stuff adults talk about :D:D)." I know, haha! "We talked about cordless vacuum cleaners and how practical they are (:D:D:D). I told them I once bought a cheap one at a discount store, and it was actually really handy but after a year its performance really dropped." (Yeah - I've noticed appliances are now going bust only after a year, too! Serious biz cost-cutting equals shite components. My Dolce Gusto pod-coffee-maker is dying as we speak, whereas, the one I bought 8 years ago is still working (my back-up machine, haha, how addicted to Dolce Gusto am I?!)) "She then goes, “I also bought one, but not at a discount store. I knew right away that those are no good and beneath my level” (she put extra emphasis on that part)" ((Oooh, you knew straight away, didya?....ya Snotty Cow :p)) “so I got a discounted one at a specialty store instead.”" I'd have said - 'What, and you didn't think to share that with the rest of us?' (- tongue-in-cheek but not really). "I ignored it, just like all her other digs." Good. Again - as long as you do Ignore/Walk Away or Confront/Deal With It *properly*, then, either will work. Just go with your gut. "I don’t know if I’m overinterpreting," What, like I'm over-interpreting this sofa that I'm sat on and pretty soon am going to be like Wiley Coyote (Warner Bros. cartoon - Road-Runner's predator-nemesis) - realising my perception is screwed, that there ISN`T any sofa, and dropping bum-first onto the hard-tiled floor? :D No, you're not. Why didn't you know whether or not you were over-interpreting? Because you haven't got back your trust in your gut to that high degree? Or because her behaviour was too...."EH?!"...too unexpected and shocking? ...Like - 'Did you actually just say that out-loud, lady?!' I call it, Freaky-Doo (as in, doo-doo). "but with the things I listed, I’m pretty sure it’s some kind of jealousy or something." Oh GOD yes! An alternative reason is that, rather than trying to offend, she was trying to insta-PRIME you - specifically, get you feeling sorry for her IN COMBO WITH feeling guilty that she isn't happy and settled whereas you are, and thereby feeling that it's somehow your responsibility to START DOING HER FAVOURS AND LEG-UPS, etc. Could be. Because if you think about it - her snidey-ness was all based around HER BEING OFFENDED....BY YOU....which then twists the situation into her unhappiness being 'all your fault'... so you're (she hopes) going to be too ready to do her a favour if/when she asks. But there's no denying that what leaked out, i.e. the reason for the hostility aspect of it, was a well set-in attitude. Resentment that's so past it's sell-by date that it's ponging. Yeah. Watch that space with caution. "Strangely, when I talked to her one-on-one (like when we walked to the store together), she wasn’t like that at all.' Yeah, because you had yet to say you know your drama queens. (Can you see how the timing fits?) (So that makes her a Covert-Vulnerable.) "Anyway, despite that, it was a wonderful get-together." Yeeeaaah - f*ck 'er 'n chuck 'er! Haha. "I now have everyone’s phone numbers and all their social media." Brilliant! "I also mentioned where I’d like to get married and roughly when, but when the question came up about whether it’ll be a small circle or who will be invited," Oh - they were fishing for an invitation, then? "I didn’t dare say, “please come <3”… I just didn’t feel comfortable in that moment. I think it’s better to wait and see with whom I’ll actually keep in touch more. And even if it sounds mean, I honestly don’t want G. at my wedding. My gut tells me that." Again - excellent on-the-spot re-strategizing! (For someone with a poorly back, you can't half flex! :D) "Just now I spent half an hour chatting with E. on WhatsApp, she wanted some book recommendations about astronomy :))))))))) haaaach, I feel like I’ve “come home” again… that’s really such a beautiful feeling :)" What a lovely way to describe it. :) "Where was I…" Vindicated; Relieved; On Cloud 8 (- lovers is Cloud 9 ;)).... "Ah, yes. We so often thought of the same anecdotes, and then one of us would say it out loud and everyone else went, “yessss, I was just about to say that!” or “yesss, I just thought about that recently.” When we walked from the restaurant to the parking lot, I talked with A. and said I found it crazy that after so long, meeting up feels like there was never any break in contact, and that I really find it beautiful." I can relate first-hand to that. "She fully agreed and said she values that too and that we definitely have to repeat it. She also said I should come by for coffee sometime if I’m around (she still lives in the same town). I offered the same to her. I also set up a plan with E. for December, when I’m in her city for a concert, we’ll meet for coffee beforehand :))" Blimey! Mission Successful, then?! The magic ingredient as made it possible, btw, was... Bravery. :) "When we said goodbye, we all agreed we have to do this regularly, and I think it was L. who also said that it felt like we see each other all the time and that it’s because of my energy." She attributed it to YOUR energy exclusively, you mean? WOW! Has it fully sunk in yet? "Because of all the goodbye fuss, I was a bit emotional and close to tears because it was so beautiful to hang out with them again." Tsk - AHHHHHH (hug). There you go.... (and - Up Yours, Slinkbum!). "I held them back though, so I didn’t ask what she meant by that (would have been interesting though :D)." Ask her now? Why not? Perhaps they've been spending too much time over many years with boring Moany-Chops and whomever else in that group is a nasty yet self-pitying Wet Weekend, whereas you're bubbly AND were really excited and pleased to be there? One thing's for certain. G didn't like it. Heh-heh-heh. Just keep ignoring her, then, and see when her head finally explodes? "On my way home, some happy tears finally came." Giant Hug. I know how enormous this whole thing has been. Those tears are a giant sign you finally feel SAFE. Or certainly safe ENOUGH? It's not until the war is over that any front-line soldier starts to feel the pain from their injuries, is it. Their minds can't AFFORD to let them feel it while the battle's still in play or too freshly over, or else they'd be too distracted or paralysed by the pain to avoid being shot. "Then I got a message from A. saying she got into her car, turned on the radio, and Avril Lavigne was playing. I used to listen to her a lot, and she did too, a bit. I just replied, “Lol crazy,”" Wowzers - that looks uncannily like ANOTHER Schpookay!!! "and a bit later, “how many more signs do we need? :D” to which she answered, “for real ;D.” YUH! Count me in! Here - who have you got 'up there'? Aren't they FANTASTIC with the signs-as-Comms? Who could ex-she/he be - can you think? "So I’m really happy we did this, at the best time it seems. I’ll keep you updated if there’s anything exciting to share in this direction :))" Oh, DEFINITELY! And yes - the Timing was SPOT-ON! But yeah.... that G..... Hmm..... Let's study that space. That paranoiac space with the resentful, grumpy face. G for Gross. :p But - seriously - these days, there's ALWAYS ONE effer that mars any occasion, isn't there. (You can imagine how sick to the back teeth of them *I* am, can't you.)

Hey :)) I think this is my longest post so far :D have fun! “Damnit though - ach - so annoying!...I know a cure for that, only, I was busy with my (hyperactive) guest! Well, not a cure, but a permanent arrester. Stop me if I've told you (and you can do this from now): To the strength of seawater - start using saltwater as a mouthwash, right before Lights Out. Not only does salt kill ALL bacteria that can harm us, but, if you add Bicarbonate of Soda/Baking Soda, together they make Nature's antibiotic...which is well handy for 'killing' a tooth abscess and ensuring you never get another.” I use an antibacterial mouthwash that I found years ago. But that’s a good and cheap tip! My dentist said I most likely got the infection because the tooth was hit at some point in my life, which caused it to slowly die, this can actually take several years, and then the infection started. The tooth was completely healthy, no cavities, nothing. “I've kept what *were* rotting teeth, in total stasis through this. Had to... ain't got TIME to see to my teeth yet!” Yeah, same here. They still had to extract two molars and I will need implants. I'm really scared, and it's going to be expensive, my insurance only covers 460€ of the estimated 7,000€. I don't know how I'll pay for it; I'll probably arrange a payment plan. The surgery will have to happen sometime this year :( “I like that! But then - I would, becaaauuuse.... I'll see your *Twenty One* Pilots (*should be hyphenated) (cuh...kidz today) and raise you one of this lot's obvious (to me) sources of inspiration: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvldypUz9w8&list=PLCx_l3FfC446YhZSrnYvxRLr3evK943La” I love the Pixies. My father played some of their tracks when I was younger, though I didn’t realise who they were at the time. Seeing Fight Club finally hooked me with the song ‘Where Is My Mind’ “That's my all-time Desert Island Disc album, that is. That or Bassomatic - Set The Controls To The Heart Of The Base (funkayyyyy)... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxfxeyKUSIg&t=3s” That's really funky, I imagine doing some household tasks or creative hobbies while this plays could be quite much fun too :)) “Sounds like you're 'orally fixated'. Me too (cigs, fingernails, pentops...not my thumb, though...I tried that in the mirror and it didn't suit me nor make me look cute...just deranged haha). Yeah, I tend to do this too. Not the thumb either :D “"Sometimes though, it gets me into weird situations :D Back when I drank alcohol I was almost a chain smoker, I could easily smoke a whole pack in one night." What - the filter-tips, like JPS? UGH! I smoke rollies infused with Vanilla or Spearmint. More natural, whereas the former are packed with minute chems (including cyanide).” I started smoking regularly with Black Devil cigarettes, those were vanilla-infused and completely black. That was the hot shit for teens back then; I think they even had totally pink ones :D It’s a brand from the Netherlands. Later I switched to L&M Blue and then to their natural variant (with fewer chemicals). When I couldn’t afford pre-made cigarettes or wanted to roll my own, I used natural tobacco because it’s cheaper. I still enjoy rolling cigarettes for others when I get the chance :D “"Now, whenever I drink, I immediately want to smoke too." Ah. Yeah... Me too.... Probably if I were to give-up with any success, I'd have to ditch coffee first (yuh, right - THAT's gonna happen!). So you don't like 'dry smoking', either?” I meant I only want to smoke when I drink alcohol or have already had a few drinks, because I always smoked so much when I drank :D Those were the rare occasions when I went way over the top, but even on a normal weekday I smoked quite a lot. I think because I don't drink very often, the cravings settled in more slowly than they did for other habits I had linked to smoking. But yeah, I get what you mean. Morning coffee and a cigarette is a nice thing :D Also the one after a meal. “"I honestly enjoyed the passive smoking way too much :D" Haha! Well.....the solution would be to get your genes checked for any susceptibility to any smoking-related cancers. Because LET'S NOT FORGET that there are many more STRESS-related ones!” Besides, if it isn't cancer, I'll probably end up with one of the other smoking-related illnesses you more easily 'unlock' when you keep puffing on cigarettes. Yeah… no :D I definitely won't start again. The good things outweigh the downsides. “And anyway, since you've been 'complaining' about your weight on here, doesn't that prove it was the drink, not the cigs?? You could therefore create a new association between cigs and coffee....or herbal health teas!...sparking min. water!....anything!” Oh, it definitely wasn’t just about drinking. Smoking in general was a stress relief thing for me and a huge “I’m bored, let’s smoke” thing. I used to smoke 15 to 20 cigarettes a day, sometimes even more on stressful days. A big pack only lasted me a day and a half, one costs around 10€, and those tobacco pouches for about 7€ with papers and filters lasted maybe two days. I honestly don’t know how I could even afford that all the time XD What finally made me quit wasn’t that smoking is unhealthy, every smoker knows that and does it anyway. I’ve seen people smoking with an oxygen tube in their nose and severe COPD, and I thought I’d probably end up the same. I quit because I realized over time that smoking had complete control over me and I didn’t want that anymore. I had to smoke after every meal, otherwise something felt wrong. I would get into a horrible mood just because of the nicotine cravings. Other people could just go to a shop or to the cinema or wherever without needing to smoke one before going in. I couldn’t. At some point I didn’t even like the taste anymore. I tried vaping but that only led to me vaping on top of smoking, so I just ended up doing both. In the mornings alone, from the moment I woke up around 6:15 until I got to work at 8:00, I would already have smoked five cigarettes. I tried to cut down gradually but it never really worked, my patterns were too deeply ingrained and smoking was too tied to my daily routines. Quitting cold turkey from one day to the next was honestly the best thing I could have done. I went from 76 kg to 89kg …and I can visibly see the extra kg that's why I'm complaining, I really don't feel good anymore. I also got asked by a colleague if I'm pregnant, because I quit smoking and got a little belly…-.- Thanks a lot, I just got fat :D “...you get the picture. Anything fiddly that takes ages to eat and which you can 'dip into' here and there. And if you over-do it - just skip the next sit-down meal.” That’s what I did, but I didn’t skip the sit-down meals… :D I really just have to do more sports and eat a bit healthier and more consciously. Starting next week I'll regularly go to the gym at work, either after work or during my lunch break. And of course the exercises for my back on the weekends. "Oh, and my dad wants to file the applications. I’ll fill out both with him over the weekend so he doesn’t end up putting down some nonsense." WOW! More good news!....WANTS to! How did you manage that?!” We sat down with him again, and my fiancé talked to him as well. Of course, just when we finally had him on board, another big obstacle appeared: his doctor is very old and was briefly close to dying, so the practice was closed. That left us with no way to obtain his medical records (we unfortunately didn't copy or scan all of them), and those are exactly what we need for the application and for the medical assessor who will review the case. In early October a new doctor will come in to run the practice, then I can collect the records and we can submit the application, assuming he still wants to go through with it. And if he doesn't, well, I might literally throw something at him.. “Tsk. You're a HUNDRED TIMES BIGGER than those poor spiders! Start on the Crane Flies - "Daddy Long Legs" as they're called in UK. Or even moths. There must be very few things worse than being unable to chuck-out spiders and having to rely on your partner. Go on - give it a go.... 'Face the fear and do it anyway'....Maybe you'll surprise yourself?” Yeah, you’re right :D In the end I do manage it when I really have to. Sometimes I’m not grossed out at all, and if they’re small spiders they can just stay where they are :D "Last year the house centipede was my final boss." Huh? Final BOSS? Hahaha yes, it felt like the final boss in a video game. I must've spent at least two hours trying to catch that thing. It was sitting on the wall way up in the corner and kept getting away from me or was just too fast... and I find them really disgusting... I mean, look... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scutigera_coleoptrata "and then I waited all shaken up until my fiancé came home to release the beast back into freedom :D" Well - you did the hardest part - pouncing and catching it - by yourself so... Why is the end, release bit so scary?” I'm always afraid that the critter will come back for revenge or, out of panic, just jump on me as soon as I set it free. xD I can let it go, but even then I'm glad when I don't have to. "He loves building things and is very handy. Over the last few years we’ve tackled a few projects together, and it was always super cool to see the finished result and actually be able to use it :D" Excellent! Like what?” We built a bench for our balcony. And some little things for the kitchen and stuff like that :) The best thing we made so far is this: Every year we make each other an Advent calendar. We actually started doing it even though we don't really celebrate Christmas. He wanted to surprise me because I'm a huge Doctor Who fan and planned to build a TARDIS out of wood about half the size of the real one with an extra feature. I accidentally found out and ended up helping him :D. It's not just a TARDIS though; it's an Advent calendar, so the little square panels around it can be opened. Every year he fills them with cool little gifts for me, and for the rest of the year she serves as a useful shelf. She’s mounted on some rolls so you can easily turn her to open every little door :) And she also can light up like in the show!! “Yep. You're sorry - I'm sorry - Balance is sorry - we're all sorry. For having lives. Busy-busy ones. Too busy. What can ya do? NUFFINK. Except, keep having a whinge (vent out the steam)... Me, I never DREAMED I could be this busy. I thought 2017 onwards was the busiest and hardest-working I'd ever been or would ever have to be! I was wruh.....wruh.....WRONGGGGGG! UK was just training for now. Urrrrgh.” Yeah, I often feel the same. I think, “finally some peace,” and then the next thing comes around the corner. Guess there’s nothing to do but go along with it. “So, you were doing a Desperate Dan impression?” I just looked that up and burst out laughing. Yep, that’s exactly how I looked :DDDD “Oh, no - knocked you out??” Yeah, that stuff (antibiotics) made me really, really tired. I pretty much slept through the whole weekend. “Snap (couple of days ago...Monday avo onwards til Tuesday Night). Here, it's called a Gottafria, and September is it's usual month. (Came here in 2010 and the roads were like rivers, fast-flowing where they featured downhills...my hire car became a row-boat at one point...but with no oars! Felt like James Bond *I did not*.) I saw on the news this week, that Benidorm beach was flooded, as well as (obvs) the whole town itself. And Valencia had storm winds so strong they snapped fully-grown palm trees in half. (Poor ol' Valencia, it seems to be the main target of late.) There are no words.... Except maybe for: "NNNNOWWW, WILL YOU FOOLS PICK UP YOUR RUDDY LITTER, AAAARGH!"” Yup, climate change is f*cking real. Extreme weather events are getting worse and are becoming the new normal. I doubt we can fully turn things around, we’ll probably miss the 2.5°C target, and once the consequences hit the global economy people will finally wake up, but by then it’ll be too late. Climate-driven displacement will only escalate the crisis, and given how people already treat refugees, I’m terrified of what could happen. I’m really losing faith in humanity. "My office is on the sunny side and I only have blinds on the window and a small fan. It was disgusting. I think it was about 37-39 °C in my office." Uuuuuugh - WHAT-AH?! Aren't there laws against that?” Not that I’m aware of. So yes, there are occupational safety rules that say measures have to be taken, but if my employer gives me cold drinks, a fan and free icecream, that’s considered a heat measure… ridiculous, right? :D This is another problem that’s going to bite the countries that haven’t had to deal with these temperatures on a regular basis. In Germany, almost nobody has air conditioning; you’ll find it in newer buildings or places like shopping centres or some shops, but private homes, schools, universities, companies, hospitals and nursing homes don’t have AC. I’m curious if anyone will ever think to start upgrading that… “Tsk. That won't do. I'll have to think of another.” Can't wait! :D “Here - I've had a great idea. Make extra surgery income (or for some charity) by organising a photo booth for paid-for photos with Heidi (she'd have to sit on your lap, with you wearing a sheet to match the background)...like you get at school reunions! It'd have to be pre-booked, of course, with only a handful of shots per day? Bet you anything they'd pay, though. It'd make a great Facebook entry for the parents re. their kids' 'adventures' - which, in turn, would be FANTASTIC marketing for your surgery (ta-daaaa!). AND turn Heidi's previous 'owners' Green. AND permanently disempower the (cat-hating) Bitching Barrys and Berthas. Wojafink? (And you could pay Heidi per shot, to make her look forward to it...a handful of Treats?)” Haha, that’s a really good idea, but I think Heidi would get bored of it pretty fast :D Maybe we could make it a once-a-week- event or something like that :D Merch with Heidi on it, like a cap, an umbrella, or t-shirts... socks!!! Of course with the clinic’s logo on them too. That could actually be a fun idea too :D Today I found out the patients had set up a food and water bowl for her in the smoking pavilion, and a coworker told me that one patient even bought Heidi a whole set of bowls with a little blanket to put under them. She’d left it in a random hallway in the middle of the clinic, so of course we moved it to an employee entrance where Heidi often comes by. At the start of the week I checked three shops because her favourite snacks were out everywhere. Fortunately I managed to find them in the end! Poor Heidi… I feel awful when I don't have any treats for her. :D How is Fluffy doing? “Shame we can't introduce Heidi and Fluffy. They sound similar natured, I think they'd get on famously.” Yeah, I think they would probably become friends :) “(HAHAHA - just caught myself. I sound like a mad cat person already!) (...Oh, well...))” Hahaha, nothing wrong with that! Same here :D “God, yeah. It'd mean I could stay in this house, and NOT disrupt Fluffy (I'd have to take her with me - no question about it).” That sounds great! And regardless, I think Fluffy would happily come along wherever you go. “PS: Her new nickname is Fishy-Face. Or Cute-Bum (she sashays like a model). Or Fluffy Boo-Boos-wooodgy-woodgy (and other toddler add-on adjectives). Have you started talking in "Sh-es" yet? I have: Wouldjsh oo wike shome num-numsh, den?” Hahaha, yes I absolutely do. I call her Heidipups (Heidi-poo) or Heidi Pupsi Hasi (Heidi-Poo-Bunny)…:D I also call her Krächzle (raspy) because her meow is a bit croaky, or simply Mausi (Mousie), which is a common sweet nickname in Germany. When my colleague (the doctor) hears me call her like that she always jokes, 'It’s not a mouse, it’s a cat! :DD' And I also talk to her like she’s a toddler :D “Need to be careful with that....Don't wanna be coming out with it unintentionally in a shop or something ("Shcooze-me...can you chell me where da Bakes Beansh are?Already, I asked my recent guest if they'd 'like a fwesh dwinkie?'.” Hahaha that's great :D I’ve been caught a few times when Heidi was sitting under my desk and I turned to her for a moment to pet her and then started talking to her (Hahaha oh god no idea how to translate this xD): 'Naaaa my Heidi-mausi-hasi-pupsi oooh you’re sooo sweet, do you want knuddles(=cuddles)? Yes you like knuddlwuschln, such a little cutiebooty.' (in an extra-sweet high voice) 'Do you want a schmeckilecki (=Treat)? Come, you’ll get a schmeckilecki, mmmm yummy yummy.' And then I realised the patient had already been standing at the counter for like two minutes, just waiting until I was ready, and probably thinking I’m crazy (they can’t see Heidi behind my desk, of course, and sometimes she doesn’t even meow) XDD “Ooh, I say! You certainly know your stuff? In THAT case - YOU can google it! :)” I tried but found nothing recently. The only recent thing I hear every now and then on social media is that asteroid that’s travelling really fast into our solar system, like ʻOumuamua a few years ago. And of course, because of the speed, there are a few people who say this might be an alien mothership :D I mean, aliens in 2025… why not… this year is already a real-life South Park episode, I wouldn’t even be surprised if it were true XD "”So most likely, it will never actually be aliens." Whaaaaaaaaah! (throws lighter and coaster in a fit of disappointed rage) "Don’t get me wrong, I’m convinced there are other species out there, even intelligent ones," “Well, YEAH - I'm ONE of them! And they promised they'd be back (sob).” I know, it's devastating... I'm still waiting too. "but from what we know right now: if they exist, know that we exist and want contact, we’ll only know when they’re already here.” Haven't we found microscopic life on Mars, as prove other life must exist?” Yes, there is evidence for water, but not for liquid water; it’s most likely present as ice. Another recent result is the discovery of a rock texture or staining (sulfates I think) that could be linked to microbial activity. However, there is still no conclusive proof of life (also no microbes). “"They must have such advanced technology, and probably a completely different understanding of physics. Even having “beaten” the E=mc² limitation, to be able to cross those distances." Yeah, but, even saying 'beaten' what, for us, is a limitation, could be a subjective belief, non-applicable to them (fink abaad id). Plus - the Wormholes as eradicate the distance? Dunno tho - I'm not an expert so I'm happy to bow to your specialist- sorry, shpeshalisht shubject (oh yesh she ish), haha.” Sure, when you look at it scientifically, you assume the basic rules we know about the world and the universe apply everywhere. So, based on our current knowledge, it’s rather unlikely that we’d simply encounter another advanced life form. Consider where we are in the universe: we occupy a pretty remote spot, and that matters on cosmic scales. If you approach it from a more philosophical angle, however, anything becomes possible. Maybe they already found us and thought, “oh wow, look at these losers! better not invite them to our interstellar committee.” Maybe they’re not material beings like us at all, or they exist outside our perception. Maybe we’re the failed school science project of Peter, the ten-year-old alien from TRAPPIST-1a, and he got a failing grade for creating a self-destructing life form :D Maybe they can travel at warp speed or teleport. But then you have to ask again: if they’re that advanced, why don’t they contact us? “I know that bit, yes (yesh). The Earth doesn't hold REMOTELY near the amount of resources it would take to go further than we've managed (thanks to the Space Station eradicting the take-off fuel normally needed for overcoming Gravity).” Yeah, exactly. We still haven't even managed to send people to Mars. Apart from the fuel, there are lots of other things we need to overcome. Radiation alone, which astronauts would be exposed to on such a long trip to Mars, is a big problem; long-term supply and life-support is another, and so are the social issues that come with spending such a long time in a very confined space. There have already been many Earth-based space-station mock-up experiments to simulate and study the social and psychological problems astronauts face on such long missions (e.g., Mars500, HI-SEAS). Really interesting and fascinating. “(Shoots hand up in the air - "Me - me - pick me!") (And an extra seat for Fluffy.)” That reminded me, do you know Tuf Voyaging by George R. R. Martin? It's actually my all-time favorite sci-fi book. It's about the cat-loving Haviland Tuf and his special spaceship; he travels to different planets and helps solve their problems with the help of his spaceship and his cats. I should give it a re-read :) “Nah... I jest. I'm from Xena.” Do you mean Eris, the dwarf planet that was once considered a candidate for the 10th planet (when Pluto was still a planet) and was nicknamed 'Xena' after its 2005 discovery? :D ************************** “I'm not as compliant as him, though. I'll go deliberately slower without looking up any anyone so that the cashier has to help me pack to finally get rid of me. (Now, that's what you CALL, 'What you call, 'Going floppy on the supermarket floor', hahahahah!) But that's because I refuse to be bullied or peer-pressured.” Hahaha, I can relate. I do everything as slowly as I can when patients want something done really quickly and ask for it in a rude way. I suddenly become like the sloth from Zootopia: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1pAUk5fVIo When I go shopping, I've gotten used to having to pack quickly. I always place everything strategically on the checkout belt so packing is faster :D I only go deliberately slower if the person behind me invades my personal space because they're rushing. “BTW, why does he smirk at the end when he refuses the receipt? ((Nah, mate, you're missing a trick - you wanna waste a few more seconds by folding it hurriedly thus messily but then tutting before re-folding it so that it's a perfect square, and then faff around trying to decide which wallet pocket to slip it into.))” hahahah, that smirk is his trademark, he always does it at the end of his videos. “Yeah - free sample of tomorrow's new sustainable ingredients. ('Yeeeaaah-no...I'm fine, I don't need to eat or drink anyway, thanks, I only do it for fun. Anyway, I ate last month already...'.) What type of fly, anyway?” I’m not sure, probably some kind of gnat or dance fly. "You ever seen footage of Dom Joly on Trigger Happy TV (80s series)?” No, I just looked it up. I only found the new show, but it's quite funny. We also had some of those street-comedy prankster shows, but they weren't funny. :D “Did you ask for the HR Handbook regarding surgery policies so that you can read up on WHAT forms of professional managerial support you CAN expect as well as are entitled to by law?” Because the man didn't get physical, that is, he didn't try to grope me or become abusive or anything, it ended there. We've had several men who were thrown out and given a ban from the premises for that reason. During my voluntary social year I had a colleague who was groped on the butt by someone. I went to management with her because she didn't dare to, and he was immediately kicked out. So if something really serious happens, they deal with it on the spot and remove the person. But for verbal, less severe incidents, management usually tries a conversation first. I think it also depends on what he said. If he'd said something very vulgar, they would have definitely thrown him out. Or when it would have occured on a regular basis. “Still, it's good her office is next-door to yours.” Yes, I always carry my work phone with me wherever I go (we have an internal emergency number that may be used in such cases, not just for medical emergencies), and with men who make me uncomfortable I generally keep my office door open. During COVID I once had a woman who became very aggressive and tried to hit me because “I” was supposedly forcing her to wear a mask *rolls eyes*. I went to reception and waited with my colleagues until a doctor and police could come and speak to her. In the meantime she stood in front of reception and was yelling, causing a scene throughout the clinic. Fun times… “Also reckon, if anyone DID try to get aggressive or freak you out, at this point Heidi might well go for them ("GERROFF MY LOVELY MUM!" - CHOMP!). Or at least hiss and yowl, claws out.”” Hahaha, yeah, maybe she would do that if she were there and something like that happened. **************** “Really?? It that the same with the ones they do at Caribbean beach resorts? And was it always the case or has something changed?” I simply interpreted the “Free wedding” as “You can choose where” but in fact it's like that: “A 'free' (symbolic) wedding ceremony is not legally binding; it is a ceremony and does not replace the civil wedding at the registry office, which alone makes a marriage legally valid. Only the marriage concluded before a civil registrar creates a legally binding marriage and is necessary to be considered married. You can hire a wedding celebrant for a symbolic ceremony who will prepare the wedding speech and conduct the ceremony; that alone costs around 900–1,200€. In theory, though, anyone can do it, even a good friend or acquaintance, since it isn’t legally binding. But yeah, we think we are going with the lighthouse now. Still really nice :) “It has, cheers. Still hot in the day BUT the nights are a LOT cooler. Like early June again. The pool's a bit chilly, but the sea's still warm. I'm going to try and get on the beach again (went a few times with guest) next week if I possibly can. Top-up my tan to see me through Winter. I find I look less knackered with a tan, and if I look less knacked, I feel less knacked as well.” That's good :) I hope you had the chance to visit the beach? :) “I don't eat breakfast at all, though. Nor lunch - unless it's a late one, which counts as an early supper. I only eat supper. I might forage straight from the fridge at some point in the day, though, to shut my tummy up for a bit if I'm in the middle of something.” I did that for a long time too, because I never had time at work to eat even a little breakfast. Eventually I noticed that, over time, it really drained my energy, especially since at lunch I usually only had a sandwich roll. Now I make the time, or I eat a pretzel or two or some fruit on the go at the office. *********************** "I saw on one of my friends’ social media statuses that she visited a modern church. That got me curious, because right now I’m actually diving a little into religion, biblical texts, and religious philosophy, mostly because of Twenty One Pilots, who are Christians and sometimes weave that subtly into their music. I find it really interesting how religious people interpret texts from TOP and the story differently than I do. That, to me, is art: music with deep lyrics and a story to tell, one that everyone can interpret in their own way, and in a way that truly makes sense to each person/way you think of.” You're very into proper poetry, then?” No, not really. Sometimes a poem finds me, but it's not like I've spent much time engaging with poetry until now. “uuuhm… slight tangent, sorry :D" That's okay? Again, I was into it and then you knocked the needle off the record with your 'sorry'. Oh, lookie here....Ist this another bit of useless parental baggage I see before me? Told you were going on and on too much, were you? Well, anything I don't know, I'm into. You carry on, luv - s'fine by me! If you get lost down a topical side-alley - I'll remember where we veered-off from and lead us back to the main road, no wozzies.” Yeah, I guess so. In that case I won't hold back. At the end of this post I'll include the whole Twenty One Pilots Lore and everything that goes with it :) “Anyway, it's GOOD to have a higher vigilance than before (just, never to-extreme). That was the lesson. To widen and turn-up your radar. Not everyone IS like you, or your calibre. What harm, frisking? Just a sensible response to what's just happened. I don't think your problem is with your urge to pre-frisk a bit. I think feeling somehow unreasonable, then guilty, about it, is at fault, when in actual fact, you're grounded and sensible enough to know DARN WELL it's just what any natural, intelligent empath SHOULD do (we have a lot to protect, do we not!). It creates Cognitive Dissonance in you, you see: I should frisk her, versus (simultaneously), I'm being unreasonable by wanting to frisk her. No, you're not, but - so what if you were, since it can't hurt anyone (but can forewarn thus protect *you*). I also suspect you get an aftershock - feeling *stupid* for having felt bad, too.” Yes, I experience that a lot. “You're probably the type who, when someone apologises, replies - It's okay. No, it feckn isn't okay. You'll need time to digest and decompress.From now on, just say - 'Thank-you for apologising'. You say 'it's okay' or 'it's fine' or 'it's no biggie' or 'let's forget it' and, a Narc will take that (conveniently) literally and (drum roll), not only avoid going on to do the subsequent, vital Debrief conversation, but, do it again the very next chance they get.” Yup, that’s me. A good example, the colleague I mentioned who asked me if I was pregnant. I was a bit hurt/mad afterwards because she asked that in front of a lot of people who were with me during the lunch break. Later she came up to me and said she was sorry and asked if I was mad. I just said, “it’s okay,...” but inside I was thinking *noooo, say thhiiiiiiis: “but, that was a bit insensitive of you. It did hurt me that you asked that in front of everyone.” I know I do this and I’m trying to change it. But often, like in this example, the rest of the sentence I want to say literally gets stuck inside me. Sometimes my mind goes so weird that I think I could end up hurting the person who hurt me by admitting I'm hurt :D So dumb. Then I’m always annoyed by myself. “But just afore I go.... Has it ever occurred to you that the people who treated you as if you went on and on too much and/or were boring (whereby you beat them to it with sudden self-censoring), simply didn't have your level of intellect to keep up (or even grasp the meanings in what you were saying) - and (narc mis-wiring) felt inadequate *ergo* ("cuckoo!") that had to be YOUR fault ergo - MEHHHH! (slap!)...."stop going on so much!". ????” Yes, partly. It often used to happen that when I talked about something I would just be interrupted, like I’m just breathing for some air midsentence and then the other person interrupts, or the conversation would fizzle out because the other person stopped contributing. People have literally told me, “Who cares? So boring.” I’ve had conversations where I was totally into it and launched into deep or nerdy stuff, and the other person would eventually yawn or keep checking their phone or watch, signalling it was too much, or they’d simply change the subject. Sometimes people don’t even understand what I’m trying to say, so I have to explain what I mean to say and sometimes even the explanation needs an explanation, which mostly leads to me giving up and changing subject. In groups, I’m sometimes systematically talked over. I’ll start to speak, everyone notices that I’m starting, and then someone else cuts in and a lively discussion kicks off. I try to join in and then I’m constantly not heard. Literally people ask me a question and I start to answer and someone interrupts and I don’t get heard. These days I do raise my voice if it happens once or twice and just go for it. I basically speak in double-time so no one can interrupt me. Some people get it then and the conversation goes back to normal. But often I just end up being stared at for a moment (maybe they think I’m the rude one) someone makes a short comment about what I said and they carry on talking to each other while I sit there. Sometimes people say, “CN, you’re so quiet.” A few years ago, I’d make excuses like, “I’m just tired.” Now I sometimes say, “I’d have a lot to say, but you obviously don’t want to hear it.” Then they go, “Oh no, please tell us what you want to say,” and I can open up, but sometimes I’m so upset that I stay quiet or end up leaving early or going somewhere else. Most of the time I hold back from the start and don’t say much, because it’s exhausting. With new groups, I’m usually the quiet one. I observe first and eventually join the conversation. There were evenings at parties or get-togethers, in the past and even now, where people just forgot I was there. At one small get-together years ago (there were six of us), I left at some point and sat on the balcony, smoking and stargazing. After two hours my ex-boyfriend finally came out and asked what I was doing there, why I hadn’t said I was going to smoke because he’d have joined me, and asked how long I’d been outside. At a birthday party last year, I ended up talking with a guy for a long time about all kinds of interesting things. I’d never met him before, but he knows my fiancé. My fiancé joined us after a while. I don’t remember the details; as far as I recall we talked about relationships, hobbies, personal habits and similar stuff. This year, at another birthday party, we ran into him again and he said he’d enjoyed our conversation last year, but that it felt weird and kind of cringey to go that deep when we barely knew each other. I asked what exactly we’d talked about that he found cringey, since I couldn’t remember anything cringey, and he wouldn’t say. My fiancé didn’t know what he meant either. Then he told us about his latest date that went badly, in great detail, which did not really fit with him calling last time cringey while now sharing such private, spicy stuff and not finding that strange. I also went with my fiancé to one of his darts matches. I like playing darts, but just watching and getting invested isn’t really my thing. I went to support him, it was an important match, and I thought it might be a good chance to have some good conversations with new people. I had a nice conversation with an older man, but he left after a while. The others were, sorry to say, mind-numbingly dull. I started talking to another woman who was there with her husband, but it stayed small talk. I could just feel there was no connection or shared interest that might let the conversation go deeper. It was the same with two or three other people. I spent the rest of the evening sitting there, watching them play, until we could finally go home, while everyone around me made small talk. God, I HATE small talk. I hate small talk because it completely drains me. To get a conversation rolling, a bit of small talk is fine, but the WHOLE EVENING??? Talking about trivial things and going in circles just costs me energy, and I find it exhausting to constantly hunt for topics to small-talk about. I much prefer diving a little deeper right away. You don’t have to lay your whole soul on the table, but a minimum of depth, personally, about interests, or just “life, the universe, and everything”, does me good. “Would you say you've for too long been starved of truly intelligent conversations/connections (which tends to include the spiritual)?” Definitely, it's rare these days to get into a really good conversation. I don't necessarily need something ultra deep to talk about, but as I said I can't do constant small talk, and that's how it feels when I talk to most people. Sometimes I think maybe I’m just socially awkward… How's Fiance for that? I can have really good, even very deep conversations with him about most things, truly about everything under the sun and the universe :D But sometimes there are topics he doesn’t like to discuss, especially politics or current world events. Not because he’s completely of a different extreme opinion so we couldn’t talk constructively, but because it’s exhausting for him and he tends to respond to most of it with cynicism and indifference when he doesn’t feel like talking. There are times when the news and everything that’s happening really get to me, and I have to isolate myself from the news for weeks because I can’t bear it (Like which lvl of hell is this world?). So I can relate to his feelings. Still, sometimes there are topics I’d like to discuss simply because they occupy me and I’d like to hear his perspective. He rarely comes to me and starts those conversations. I understand when he doesn’t have the headspace but when he then reacts cynically to my attempt, like me asking, “Did you hear what happened in X?” and him replying, “Pff, I don’t care what they do, the world’s screwed anyway” it's a bit frustrating. *************** "We went to a store like we used to back then, grabbed some drinks and snacks." What - grabbed and ran ...without paying?...in other words, 'we went shoplifting like in the good ol' days'? HAHAHAHAHAH! (sorry, couldn't resist)” Hahaha, no, we definitely paid for everything :D and also for almost everything back in the day, I promise ;D “Did your food go cold?” Yes, I went with French fries because of my tooth problem. I really wanted a burger, but I was afraid of biting down on it by accident. “PS: I've never tried Turkish Food (unless Turkish Delight counts?) - what's it like? Is it at all similar to Greek?...or is it more Arabic?” Yeah, there are a few similarities to Greek cuisine, but it’s more Arabic-influenced, I think. And yes, Turkish Delight is a traditional Turkish dessert. Turkish breakfast is the nicest thing ever, also dolma (stuffed vine leaves), manti (OOH, I’m getting hungry :D), and of course kebab traditionally, or döner/yufka. I love the vegetarian döner/yufka with salad, tomatoes, olives, feta, and garlic-yogurt sauce. “Why do you suppose they veered away from the topic? Do you suppose it might have been like opening a can of worms due to almost everyone there having their own, long, (typically Narc-) complicated stories and there wasn't enough time? Or too early?” I’d say a bit of everything, but mostly because it was too soon. “(Do you mean you would have talked to L more but simply didn't get the opportunity to?)” Yeah, definitely. She had her kids with her, so at some point she had to do mom stuff until their dad arrived and took them with him. We only had a short one-on-one before we switched to group chat. For some of them it was also the first meetup in years, so at the beginning there was hardly any group talk, mostly 1-on-1s. “Now, then... S - whom stepped in to Minimize as well as wrest the topic out of the room - must be one of the ones who've been keeping in touch, as includes, with G....And S (and whichever others there that day) is therefore AWARE that G is guilty of constant dramas, ERGO, was trying to divert the potentially contentious topic...either to shield G or so as not to allow an opportunity for her to (wait for it) react dramatically to it ("You mean me, don't you - I KNOW you do!..." etc.) Or both.” I think it was G. who made the comment about “drama at an adult age” :D and, if I remember correctly, L. along with E. shifted the topic, but I’m not entirely sure. L. and G. are still in close contact, they said. I was really close with L. from 4th grade until around 7th–8th grade. At some point, G. joined us and we started meeting up as a trio, but G. would subtly insult me or make little digs, same dynamic as at this meetup. Among other things, that led to me distancing myself from both of them, and from the other girls, from 8th grade onward (which was also when I had to switch schools, because with everything going on with my mom I couldn’t focus on school anymore, my grades tanked, and I skipped classes a lot). So it’s possible that L. and E. didn’t want that old dynamic to re-emerge while I was telling the story, i.e., for G. to follow up with subtle jokes at my expense. But it could also just be that it wasn’t the right moment: after so many years, we were seeing each other in this constellation again and needed to do some surface-level catching up first, so the topic just moved on quickly because there wasn’t enough time. “Good. NEXT time (her or anyone), you'll know to (a) either ignore and play Not Bothered (as in, you're too insignificant, darlin) or (b) instead to loudy and clearly say, 'HOW RRRRUDE!...You ask to know, am I happy in my job and when I reply in the affirmative, you tell me, 'ugh', followed by, 'you kind-of HHHHATE me right now?? Seriously? Darlin, if you don't wanna hear an answer that you, for some strange reason, won't like, then, I suggest you just refrain from asking the ruddy question'. And then laugh in a "Hah!" fashion, to signify, 'Ridiculous woman!'.” Normally I would’ve ignored it, but she really caught me off guard with that comment; I didn’t see it coming. “Why didn't you know whether or not you were over-interpreting? Because you haven't got back your trust in your gut to that high degree? Or because her behaviour was too...."EH?!"...too unexpected and shocking? ...Like - 'Did you actually just say that out-loud, lady?!'” I think it was more a case of not wanting to accept it, because I’d pinned so much hope on the meetup and was a bit shocked that things with her slipped straight back into the old dynamics. “An alternative reason is that, rather than trying to offend, she was trying to insta-PRIME you - specifically, get you feeling sorry for her IN COMBO WITH feeling guilty that she isn't happy and settled whereas you are, and thereby feeling that it's somehow your responsibility to START DOING HER FAVOURS AND LEG-UPS, etc. Could be. Because if you think about it - her snidey-ness was all based around HER BEING OFFENDED....BY YOU....which then twists the situation into her unhappiness being 'all your fault'... so you're (she hopes) going to be too ready to do her a favour if/when she asks. But there's no denying that what leaked out, i.e. the reason for the hostility aspect of it, was a well set-in attitude. Resentment that's so past it's sell-by date that it's ponging.” Yeah, could be, but what it really triggered in me was thinking she was being mean :D With a bit of distance from the meetup, I feel like she was just trying to poke at me because she’s unhappy with herself and has always seen me as competition. I think she wanted to be mean on purpose, knowing that I’d catch on while the others probably wouldn’t, since she does it so subtly. But it’s whatever…I’m not going to keep close contact with her anyway, and I don’t think she wants that either ;D "I held them back though, so I didn’t ask what she meant by that (would have been interesting though :D)." Ask her now? Why not?” Nah, I find it weird to ask that now :D. And since she’s close with G., and I don’t know how tight they are at the moment, I don’t want to feed any potential gossip. “Those tears are a giant sign you finally feel SAFE. Or certainly safe ENOUGH? It's not until the war is over that any front-line soldier starts to feel the pain from their injuries, is it. Their minds can't AFFORD to let them feel it while the battle's still in play or too freshly over, or else they'd be too distracted or paralysed by the pain to avoid being shot.” Yes—confident enough to reach out to the people where I felt it could turn into something closer. I’ve decided to text A. next week to see if she’d like to do something. I’ve been chatting a bit with E., but unfortunately she lives too far away to just meet up on a whim. But December isn’t far off either :) "”and a bit later, “how many more signs do we need? :D” to which she answered, “for real ;D.” YUH! Count me in! Here - who have you got 'up there'? Aren't they FANTASTIC with the signs-as-Comms? Who could ex-she/he be - can you think?” Maybe my grandparents (three of them died when I was a little girl) or my beloved pets. I’ll see how it all develops. :) ********** _________________________________________________Twenty One Pilots Lore following _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ *********** Alright, here we go, a more detailed dive into the Twenty One Pilots universe. Let’s start with the story the band has been telling for more than ten years now, and which may have just reached its end a few days ago. What’s important to understand is that the band has never fully explained everything on purpose for most of the time (recently they dropped some videos which explained/confirmed most of everything the fans had put together for 10 years). Because of that, there have been countless theories and speculations over time. The information we have does not only come from the music or the videos, but also from puzzles the band has kept dropping along the way. At the last World Tour there were even small exhibitions before concerts where fans could find letters written by characters from the story. The music videos added a visual layer to all of this, bringing the universe to life. Twentyonepilots is Tyler Joseph (Singer) and Josh Dun (Drums). First off I will introduce all the important knowledge to be able to understand the Story. You don’t have to click and see every Link and Music video to understand the Story, but I will provide it, I will also explain by text what's roughly the storyline :) Buuut I highly recommend watching those music videos, since it’s getting real immersive watching them. (Quick Sidenote: Kinda feels like I’m doing my english essay project for 7th grade ….except now I’m really enjoying it :D) The story takes place on a continent called Trench. In the lower portion of it lies a city named Dema (Trench Map https://www.twentyonepilots.wiki/docs/scaledandicy/03-16-22-website-restored-trench-map-added/ , Dema Map https://www.deviantart.com/makenshisven/art/Demonstration-Wallpaper-Dema-Twenty-One-Pilots-748357535 , https://imgur.com/gallery/dema-overview-8hneUln ). The city is made of cold, monotonous concrete and has nine towers at its center. It is ruled by nine bishops, each of whom controls a district and spreads a religion called Vialism. This religion is used as a tool to control the people and keep them submissive. At its core, Vialism teaches that death is the only true solution. It is essentially a nihilistic cult that kills off any hope or thought of escape before it can even begin. In this way, it feels like a mix between religion and totalitarian ideology. The bishops use it to bind people to Dema, limit their thoughts, and convince them that resistance is pointless. In the lore, Vialism stands as a symbol of manipulation, oppression, and the feeling of hopelessness that the characters have to overcome in order to even start thinking about freedom. A central symbol of this are the Neon Gravestones ( https://www.reddit.com/r/twentyonepilots/comments/1b37jnh/neon_gravestones_between_dema_and_trench/ ), literally glowing tombstones. They stand all over Dema and provide light in the otherwise completely dark city. The bishops use this as justification: they tell the people that Dema only has light because others have died. The more that die, the brighter the city becomes. The people who died because of Vialism are glorified and called the Glorious Gones. Death is no longer seen as something bad, but as something good, almost honorable, because it supposedly serves the community. This is the twisted logic of Vialism. Instead of being memorials, the gravestones are turned into symbols that glorify death and make it seem desirable to the people. This keeps the citizens small and prevents them from even imagining that there could be life outside of Dema. The bishops also have a telekinetic ability that allows them to easily pull escapees back under their control. This process is called Smearing. It is as if they smear over the person, erasing and blurring their identity until there is almost nothing left of their own will. In the story, it is the method the bishops use to bring people back, no matter how far they have already come toward freedom. At the same time, Smearing also works as a symbol for falling back into old patterns, for depression, doubt, or hopelessness suddenly returning and covering everything you had built up. That is what makes Smearing so frightening, because it shows how fragile an escape from Dema really is and how easily the bishops (inner darkness) can catch up with you again. On top of that, the bishops can also take over and control dead bodies. This is called Seizing, basically like zombies that they can steer from a distance. These dead bodies are called Vessels. They also control vultures, and through them they know everything that is going on in Trench. It’s like their surveillance and spy system. The nine bishops have a leader called Nico, who is sometimes also referred to as Blurryface. That links directly to the Bourbaki Group , because Nico was named after Nicolas Bourbaki. Nicolas Bourbaki was a pseudonym for publishing books used by a group of mathematicians in the 1930s, and in the lore this functions as a symbol of facelessness and interchangeability. So it does not really matter which bishop is standing in front of you, they all represent the same system. The other bishops also have names that are hidden in various songs from the Blurryface album and that were at times part of the band’s puzzles. The bishops in Dema are not only external rulers, they also strongly represent Tylers inner world, his own insecurities, fears and doubts. They are like voices in your head whispering that you are not good enough, that you will fail anyway, or that there is no point in fighting on. They also stand for mental illnesses such as depression, hopelessness, anxiety or suicidal thoughts, all the things that paralyze you from the inside. That is what makes them so threatening, because these internal bishops often act more powerfully than outside forces and block you from within. At the same time they are an image of societal authorities that keep people small and impose rules that break you. In a larger sense the bishops embody both inner demons and external systems that keep telling you you are powerless. There are people in Dema, such as Tyler/Clancy, who try to fight and break free. Clancy is the character through which the lore can truly be understood. He lives in Dema and describes in his diary entries/Letters (found here http://dmaorg.info/found/15398642_14/clancy.html , also this link had to be found once by the fans in a riddle) what it feels like to be trapped there. Through him, we get an impression of how the city works, what the bishops do, and how Vialism influences people. He writes about his attempts to escape, about setbacks and doubts, but also about the small moments when hope begins to shine through. In this way, Clancy is not only the narrator, but also the part that represents resistance. He embodies the inner struggle of not giving up, even when everything feels hopeless, and shows that it is possible to find a way out, whether through the Banditos or through one’s own inner strength. Clancy/Tyler is most of the time wearing black paint on his Hands and Throat, which represents Blurryface, a symbol of insecurity, fear, and self-doubt that tries to silence Tyler’s voice and control his creativity. The Banditos are a group of former citizens of Dema who live in Trench after escaping the bishops. While Dema is dominated by darkness, control and hopelessness, the Banditos resist and show the people that there is another way. Their symbol is the yellow cloth/tape they wear. Yellow has special meaning in the story, because the bishops cannot perceive this color (we don’t know yet why they can’t see it). Whoever wears yellow withdraws at least partly from their power. Yellow has become a sign of hope, freedom and community. The Banditos represent the complete opposite of what the bishops preach. They show that you are not alone, that it is worth fighting, and that you can escape oppression. An important figure in this context is the Torchbearer. He is considered the leader of the Banditos and symbolizes the one who lights the way and gives hope when everything feels dark (friends, family, community). The torch represents guidance and courage, but also the inner fire you have to keep alive in order not to fall back into despair. The Torchbearer is not just a figure within the group, but also a symbol of the idea that everyone can carry and pass on this light themselves.The Torchbearer wants to help Clancy escape from Dema, which is why he keeps returning there to try to get him out. The Story begins with Heavydirtysoul. In the music video, Tyler (Clancy) is sitting in the backseat of a burning, out-of-control car speeding down a road, while Josh (Torchbearer) is playing drums in the middle of that same road. The car isn’t driving on its own but is steered by a hooded figure, seemingly one of the bishops. As the car races closer, pieces start falling off and the flames grow stronger. Just before it completely falls apart, Tyler climbs out and walks toward Josh, leaving the wreck behind. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_9Kf0D5BTs ) In Jumpsuit( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOUBW8bkjQ4 ) we see Clancy first notice the Banditos, who try to protect him with yellow flowers, but Nico manages to smear him back into Dema. In Nico and the Niners we get a glimpse of the bishops and their daily rule in Dema, while the Banditos launch another rescue attempt to help Clancy escape. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMAPyGoqQVw ) Clancy eventually makes it to Trench, but in Levitate ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uv_1AKKKJnk ) he is taken back by Nico right after being welcomed by the Banditos around the campfire.After this, the bishops imprison him and force him to create a propaganda album (because he became known in Dema due to his escapes, and they use this to their advantage) to spread Vialism and distract the people of Dema. This is why Scaled and Icy sounds much more pop and upbeat compared to other albums (also, sidenote: the bishops wanted us to believe that Clancy is dead, so Scaled and Icy is an anagram for “Clancy is dead”). They made a Livestream Experience during Covid, it was presented like a Dema propaganda show, with the hosts seized by bishops and visibly decaying as the stream went on ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZqEGE850O0 ). Clancy eventually manages to escape when Bishop Keons seizes a dragon that destroys the submarine where Clancy is made performing in Saturday ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiXVRdotCEk ). This chaos allows him to get away. He washes up on a beach and finds himself on an island called Voldsøy, shown in The Outside ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNcvblM8-_o ). Sadly, Keons is killed by the other bishops because he betrayed them by helping Clancy escape. On the island Voldsøy live small creatures with antlers called Neds. One of them gives Clancy its antlers. The antlers amplify Clancy’s telekinetic abilities, and when he accepts them, he discovers his own power, briefly seizing the dead Bishop Keons. He learns that he is an “exception”: like the bishops, he also has the ability to seize, to control the dead. At some point Clancy sees torches on the horizon, the Banditos coming for him to bring him back to Trench. From there, he uses Seizing to start a revolt inside Dema in Overcompensate ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53tgVlXBZVg ). He informs the citizens about the bishops’ schemes and shows them the world outside the walls. Together, they begin to plan their escape. So, we have been following Clancy and the Torchbearer for ten years in their struggle to escape Dema and destroy it. Here are all Story Related Videos in a Playlist https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_9Kf0D5BTs&list=PL3roRV3JHZzaU_kQ4-7uv-ahPbFabFmRW&index=3 Here is also a short story recap (If you don’t want to go through every music video) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozlHHR_eSxc&t=10s recap from Clancy’s perspective and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HihZwtFDDe0&list=PL3roRV3JHZzaU_kQ4-7uv-ahPbFabFmRW recap from the Torchbearer’s perspective. To see what has happened so far and to understand the ending, this is what happened after the Banditos and Clancy and the Revolution into Dema had set their Plan: In Paladin Strait ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mix9YfaaNa0&list=PL3roRV3JHZzaU_kQ4-7uv-ahPbFabFmRW&index=12 ) we see Clancy, the Torchbearer and the Banditos preparing to attack Dema. While the Banditos fight outside against the zombies seized by the bishops, who reanimate the bodies of Vialism followers, also called the Glorious Gones, Clancy sneaks through the tunnels and makes his way into the bishops’ tower. There he actually manages to take down almost all of them (the Niners). But at the crucial moment Nico appears and smears Clancy, trying to pull him back under his control. The ending is left open and dark, making it clear that the battle is far from over and that Clancy, despite his courage, is not truly free. This was a MASSIVE Cliffhanger and they left us hanging for almost a year to finally end the Story. So the big finale came. I have to admit, I have never cried so much over a music video :D Here is the ending: In “City Walls” it becomes clear there is no single decisive victory over Dema. Clancy does overcome Nico, but not by destroying him; he merges with him while forming the band’s |-/ hand sign as a weapon, since Nico has broken his antlers. Clancy puts on a bishop’s cloak, becoming part of the very system he fought, while the Torchbearer finally reaches the top of the tower and gets through the door. Clancy offers cloaks to several Banditos with the Torchbearer. When he reaches the Torchbearer, he offers him one as well, but the Torchbearer refuses and leaves the tower with another Bandito, carrying the hope of resistance back into the world. A dialogue between them makes it clear that the Torchbearer always finds Clancy and tries to lead him out of Dema until he eventually dies and is “reborn” in someone else, so the Torchbearer must look for the next Clancy. In the end, Clancy becomes a kind of bishop himself. Dema is not liberated; it simply comes under new leadership. This also explains why the Torchbearer refuses to take a cloak at the end. He realizes that Clancy has been pulled into the very mechanism he was trying to fight. For him it is clear: this is not an escape, but just a repetition. That is why he leaves the city, taking one Bandito with him to continue the fight outside. Clancy is not just a single character, but more a symbol representing the many different people who try to escape Dema. If one fails, maybe another will succeed next time. That is the cycle: Dema holds people in its grip, some almost make it out, some are pulled back, some take positions of power and become part of the system or lose to the system in following vialism to suicide ( “We’ll win but not everyone will get out”-Line from Nico and the niners ), and others try again and get better at every attempt. Symbolically this means that the fight against inner demons, depression, fears or societal pressure and so on is never finished once and for all. It is a process where you might relapse, pick yourself up again, or even inspire others to walk their own path. Every Clancy is a version of this inner fighter, and the story shows that it is not about one single hero but about something that takes place inside many of us. At the very end, almost like credits rolling, comes the song Intentions. It is not entirely new, since they took a very emotional and meaningful melody for the fans, from the song Truce ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lA3bs9y_Dxs), and played it backwards to create the new song. This song makes it even clearer. Even if Dema is not fully destroyed, even if the cycle repeats, there is always someone to carry the light. The Torchbearer embodies this hope, that there will always be attempts and that you yourself might be the next Clancy who breaks the cycle and also represents the people in our lives who support us and help us not to give up or help to work on our inner demons. But it also says that it is okay if you are not there yet. The fight against uncertainty, darkness and control is not a single victory but a continuous process. It also conveys a strong sense of forgiveness toward yourself. Even if you fail, you still have the chance to start over, because intentions have no memory. You lose, you fight, you learn, you start again. That is exactly what the song and in the end the story is about. You might be wondering now, “yeah, but what about this philosopher, how does she fit into the story??”… well ;D The Pilots actually wanted us to take a closer look at Simone Weil, since a picture of her showed up on dmaorg.info the website where the letters from clancy are at. After I got a bit curious and started digging into who she was, I ended up reading her book The Need for Roots. It was honestly pretty exhausting, because the writing is quite complex, but I found myself agreeing with almost everything she wrote (assuming I understood it correctly ;D). So, in her book The Need for Roots, Simone Weil described how essential it is for human beings to have roots, in a community, in a culture, in traditions, and in a connection to both past and future. She speaks of obligations we have toward others and toward ourselves, such as the obligation to truth, to justice, to compassion, and to belonging in a community that grants each person dignity. For her, uprootedness was one of the greatest dangers of the modern world, because it isolates people, makes them vulnerable to ideologies, and drives them into meaninglessness. What makes her words especially powerful is that she wrote this book during the Second World War, a time that was itself profoundly uprooted. She was not a distant observer but a fighter who knew this reality in her own life. A central part of her reflection also concerns religion. For Weil, religion was not a rigid dogma but the expression of a deep human need for meaning, truth, and transcendence. At the same time, she warned that religion can easily be perverted when it becomes institutionalized or is misused by structures of power. In that case, it ceases to be a source of rootedness and instead becomes an instrument of uprootedness, keeping people small instead of granting them dignity. This is where I see the parallel to the lore of Twenty One Pilots. Dema is essentially the image of an uprooted world. Its inhabitants live in a cold concrete city without warmth, without real bonds, without a past that could give them stability, and without a future they could hope for. Their roots are deliberately cut off by the bishops in order to control them more easily. Vialism then steps in as a substitute religion, pretending to offer orientation, but in truth it is exactly what Weil warned against: an ideology that makes death the only answer and deepens the uprootedness even more. Clancy and the Banditos, on the other hand, represent the attempt to plant new roots again, in community, in hope, in something that offers guidance. Even the yellow worn by the Banditos works as a symbol for these new roots, roots that cannot be destroyed because the bishops cannot even perceive them. Just as Simone Weil

Oh, I think my Text was too long and got cut off :D Here is the Rest: Just as Simone Weil, in her own uprooted time, fought to give people back stability, justice, and dignity, Clancy and the Banditos show that even in the deepest darkness it is possible to find new roots. The lore reveals what uprootedness does to people, while at the same time telling of the long, difficult, but very real path of regaining rootedness…whether through friendship, through hope, or through inner strength and the chance to grow as a human being. As I’ve mentioned many times before, this music and this story have been with me for 10 years now, and they’ve become really important to me because they actually gave me hope in some of my darkest hours. And it wasn’t just the music itself, but also the community behind it. I usually keep more in the background and have only made a handful of online connections so far, but especially in those times it meant so much to me to simply escape into this world and try to decode what this or that might mean. Because so many in the community feel the same way, there is such an incredibly familiar atmosphere at concerts, in forums, on Discord, on Reddit. I feel connected to these people I don’t even know, and that’s the crazy part for me. It’s not this usual “we like the same band or the same artist,” it goes so much deeper. I swear it’s not a cult, but sometimes I can see how it might look that way from the outside :DDD Also the Band’s name has a meaning: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g46fOxTMywg I’d also love to share my personal favorites from the new album besides City Walls and Drum show: Rawfear https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRHuFpO0DsM Center Mass https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAbv0MXFYgE (At the beginning, you can hear someone sing “Moooy death,” which is a meme in the community. Someone sang the song “Trees” like this at one concert and it went viral. At the next concert, Tyler also sang it like this ( https://www.youtube.com/shorts/E1JjgpRPMYs) and has continued to do so at every concert since then. There was also an incident where a fan stole a drum from the band, and someone made a video that went viral; in the video, one person says, “I really don’t think you should take that,” to the fan who grabs the drum. This snippet also made it into the song ( https://www.youtube.com/shorts/EsGVUXSxR0U)) I’m super excited to see how the lore continues. I’m sure it will somehow carry on in the Trench universe, even if the two of them take a break after the US tour that’s ongoing right now. Next year I already have tickets for a festival here in Germany where they’ll be playing, and a few months before that I finally have my tattoo appointment to literally get all of this meaning under my skin :))