I feel like I might be crazy but I need help

Before i start fully explaining the situation I just want to say that I'm aware how absolutely insane and paranoid I sound but I need to someone to tell me if i am just being paranoid or if I am based in how I feel. this situation started today when me and my cousin who i also consider my closest and bestest friend of 5 years called like we normally do. the conversation was entirely normal until the conversations of secrets came up which most of the time would be a completely normal and fun topic but he had told me he had one big secret. I being curious had started asking questions because we've never been the kinds of friends to keep secrets from each other even our worsts ones (so what could be so bad about this one, right?) this back and forth of questioning went on for 5 hours before I gathered and came to a conclusion I don't even want to exist. the following is what i gathered from our conversation all as he put it: -It's directly related to me and I am the root of it -It's immoral -Many people suffer from this same affliction but more outside of the US -I've said that this exact thing was crazy before -It's specific to his situation -it would make me uncomfortable and I would more than likely have a negative reaction -no good can come from this thing -It started around the time he started staying at my house when he was 14 -It's illegal if done to a certain amount -He's met one other person who has had this same affliction but said this person was "weird with it" -Most would consider this an intrusive thought but it's lasted too long for him -could be dealt with in therapy -Absolutely does not want me to know -said he would have to do research on it to figure out how to bring it up to me at the proper moment -He did not wrong me but i would view him differently -Spent 20 minutes writing it down on a three paragraph letter explaining himself that he said I can have when he passes away -Said it could be acted on in theory but would likely never happen I don't want to sound insane and I feel insane but someone please tell me this is an absurd thought to even cross my mind that his big evil secret might be that he's attracted to me. I feel horrible for even saying that but I can't even imagine what else it could be given that we have a very close and healthy friendship + he's my cousin.

Hey there, First of all let me say clearly: you’re not crazy. You sound like someone who’s been thrown into a situation that blurs the lines between closeness, dependence, and something deeply uncomfortable. You have every right to feel disturbed—no matter what the “truth” behind his secret is. From everything you shared, there really isn’t a lot of room for innocent interpretations. It makes total sense that your thoughts are going where they’re going, even if you hate the possibility. To me, what you describe already feels like a violation—even if it was "just words." Because what he’s doing is this: he gives you a morally loaded secret, makes it emotionally tied to you, and then leaves you alone with the weight of it, unable to really know but unable to forget. I think I’d be in your shoes, questioning every past moment—every look, every hug, every memory of trust. That’s a terrifying shift to experience, especially when you’ve shared a bond that felt safe. If I were in your position, I’d definitely take a step back, and be honest about how I feel—that I need to distance myself from what’s been said. It’s possible that—even though he knows it’s wrong—a part of him secretly hopes you might feel the same way. Like… maybe if you don’t pull away, he can convince himself it’s not that bad. But that’s incredibly dangerous. And unfair. Because it puts you in a position where you might start feeling guilty or responsible—for something that was never yours to carry. If he’s struggling with a deep inner conflict that he himself sees as immoral, disturbing, or potentially harmful, then that belongs in therapy. Not in your emotional space.

want to start off with saying thank you so much for your kind words and advice; both of them truly helped me more than you could know. I thought I’d reply with an update given the gravity of the situation I left off with. He and I had a very, very long text conversation about everything in which the air was cleared with hard evidence. He is not in love with me but instead said his secret is that he’s never felt closer to anyone and that he doesn’t feel the need to be married or do anything with his life because he has me, which he recognized as unhealthy, and said that’s why he didn’t want me to know. The other main reason why he did not want me to know this was because the person I am and the person he’s grown to know me as does not like the idea of being that attached to someone or someone being that attached to me, given that I wish to live my life primarily alone until I get a wife and kids, which is not something he has interest in because of how content he is on just our friendship alone. He said that he directly lied about it being illegal to try to throw me off and profusely apologized along with mentioning other random things he lied about that I did not put in the post, given that they don’t matter because of how random they were and that it being slightly illegal was just a very unfortunate one. He said many, many times how sorry he was and how absolutely horrible this made him look and how I had every right to think what I thought and even showed me the letter he had written, which proved everything I needed to know. Thank you so much again for your advice and everything you said. I am very grateful that everything worked out in the only (kind of) good possible way it could.

Hey, thank you so much for your update – and sorry it took me a while to reply. I think it’s really good that you two managed to talk so openly and that your cousin himself realized that this kind of attachment isn’t really healthy. That already shows he’s reflecting on his behavior – and that’s not something everyone does. Still, I totally understand if this whole thing might still be on your mind even after that conversation. That whole “I don’t want you to know, so I’m going to tell you there’s something I don’t want you to know” is quite a rollercoaster for someone you trust. And the part where he said it was something “illegal,” just to throw you off, is… well, hard to make sense of. May I ask: How are you feeling now after talking it all through? Do you feel comfortable with him again, or do you notice that you might need some distance because the way he handled this “secret” is still sitting with you? It’s totally okay to be honest with yourself about that. It’s great that he explained himself – but just as important is that you feel safe and good with the situation.

This is confusing. What could have been illegal if done to a certain amount? Are you sure you got the full answer, Alisboygonewrong156?