I think I'm scared of romantic intimacy

I'm an 18 year old girl who's never been in a real relationship before. I tried dating a guy when I was 16, but it didn't work out since we never really acknowledged each other irl and our conversations basically fizzled out. I'd like to call it an attraction I had that didn't work out. Anyways. I'd always had a crush on this guy I'd been friends with since I was 12. He used to be in my school but moved to a different city, and our interactions were usually online with all of our common friends while we played online games together. I wasn't very vocal about it, and he wasn't either. Last year, he'd confessed that he liked me, and I confessed that I liked him too. We tried dating online, but he told me he wasn't sure of our future. I got mad at him and we didn't talk for a while. After that, I'd slowly begun to realize that I missed him. We began talking again in January, and he said he missed me too. We basically wanted to begin dating after confessing irl and all, so we'd flirt or have really interesting conversations that I enjoyed. He flew down to my city for a week, and we decided to meet almost everyday with all of our friends, and go on dates in between (we're on vacation after finishing our university entrances). At this point I'd already told most of my friends and my brother about him, and they seemed pretty supportive. We met today in my house while my parents were away for work. I knew his intentions. He's not a virgin. He's been with people before, and he's told me all about his ex-girlfriends. I'd told him earlier that I didn't want sex because obviously, I'm really new to this!! He understood, said he wouldn't do that, but the words hung heavy over my head. It was obvious he wanted to kiss me or make out with me. I didn't know how I felt about that. I'd never done it before, so I thought I'd be able to get into it when the situation comes. He comes over, we're having a great time. We were just mindlessly scrolling Reels on the couch when he cuddles up to me. I'm initially comfortable with this, but I start to get dizzy and breathless. I take a few breaks from cuddling, drink some water, go to the toilet and return. But whenever he continued it, I had this uneasy feeling. I liked him, I wanted to hug him, yet my body was screaming no. We shifted to the bed, continued scrolling through my phone. At this point I felt like I was going to faint. It's not new. I'd already fainted twice this month due to some issue that hasn't been checked medically yet. It's quite possibly a heatstroke because of how hot and feverish my body gets before I faint. Also my city is hitting new temperature records so I didn't really get it checked out lol. I told him I needed to lie down for a bit, and he held my hand through it like a sweetheart. Once I felt slightly better, we lied down on the bed and he asked me for a hug. We hugged. I didn't necessarily hate it, but when he asked for more, I was feeling increasingly itchy throughout my whole body, like something within me that I couldn't control was refusing this. He asked me for a kiss. I kept refusing it at first, but figured I'd give it a shot. We kissed a few times (just pecks, nothing open-mouthed). He tried asking if we could make out a couple of times, but I said no because it felt really weird to someone who's too new to this. I felt really bad, since we barely get to see each other. He'd told me multiple times that he wanted to see me as much as he could because we live in different cities, and I understood this sentiment entirely. I mean, we're dating! Who wouldn't? I knew if I got up from the bed, I'd collapse. I managed to stand on my feet and tell him my mom might be home soon (I wasn't lying). He nodded and said he should leave but he wanted a few kisses first. I gave them to him, but my whole body felt really shaky and at this point my body had given up on refusing. He left after we hugged for a bit, and I couldn't help but collapse on the couch in exhaustion of what just happened. I felt horrible, feverish, out of my mind. I lied down for a bit and texted him later saying that I enjoyed meeting him but was kind of uncomfortable with all the physical touch. That I wanted to keep things less frisky for a bit. He understood, told me to take my time and told me he couldn't wait to see me again. I didn't reply, just threw my phone and tried to not pass out. I lied down in bed for a bit before my mother came and I could feel at ease again. I don't know why this even happened. I'm someone who has social anxiety, but is very comfortable with the friends I make. I'm not straight either, I'm pansexual. I've had crushes on girls before, so it wasn't a matter of gender here. I always hug my friends, always kiss them on the cheek. I hug my mom pretty frequently, too. It's what makes me happy. Yet hugging or kissing the boy I loved felt so uncomfortable and different. I love him, but the touches made me feel horrid. I hate this feeling. Just thinking about it makes me want to claw my skin out. I genuinely have no clue on how to figure out this feeling. As far as I can recall, I don't have any past trauma related to this. I love hugging and kissing the people I love. I love my boyfriend, but my body doesn't. This whole interaction has made me question my love for him. My brain loves him, my heart loves him, so why can't my body love him like it loves everyone else? Please please help me 😥

Hi KeepItUpJae, yet my body was screaming no. He tried asking if we could make out a couple of times, but I said no Like something within me that I couldn't control was refusing this. He understood, told me to take my time and told me he couldn't wait to see me again. I didn't reply, just threw my phone and tried to not pass out. I lied ((laid)) down in bed for a bit before ******my mother came and I could feel at ease again.****** Mate, what you're describing sounds like when an especially Spidey-Sensed individual (toi) can feel, that - fake smiles and kindness, (plus clearly fake patience)...basically all the right noises that don't match his insistence to keep pressuring you - she's in the presence of an Emotionally Dangerous individual. You quickly felt at-ease because your Protector came home - Simple As. Telling you he wasn't sure you had a future was a common Narc ploy (usually Covert, the *secretly*-seething woman-despiser) - the "take it away again" sales tactic or more formally, The Bait & Switch. After all - had you even ASKED for 'a future', i.e. permanence? (Bet you hadn't.) Clearly, he's not the same person he was at 12. Either that, or you didn't know him that well back then. Even if he isn't (altho he's doing a damn good, if semi-hidden, impression if not!) - he is WAY too insensitive and boundary-violating for you. Agree? It's only your ego that's keen on him, anyway. Because with that bait n switch, he engaged it. With an insult. Premature, senseless, Rejection. You can also call it "Negging". Me, I see this as having been a potential Date Rape situation. But because you got increasingly assertive (which your feeling ill forced you to do) (you've got a great Inner Animal there btw!), he tempered himself. It's funny how this guy is one minute talking long-term and the next, DOESN'T WANT TO STICK AROUND EVEN TO SAY HELLO TO YOUR MOTHER, isn't it. And prior to that - funny how he missed you too yet wasn't the one to pick up the phone to you, despite, it's (in Dating/Mating) a man's prerogative (no fear of labels of Desperate, etc.). MY strong suspicion and question is (because it doesn't need to have been a sexual trauma): what was it that happened back when you were both at school that he was aware of and therefore had data (memories) that you thought might help you to process what so far you haven't been able to? Well, anyway, I'm incredibly proud of you. That was handled outstandingly well for a young woman of only 18! Come here you.... (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Parental Hug))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Did you tell your Mum? I think you should. (She'll probably have suffered a few experiences like that herself, in her younger days...Sadly/infuriatingly, virtually all women do.) PS: And while in your HOME! What a beeping liberty!!!!!

Hi KeepitupJae, What you describe sounds disturbing. There could be a lot of different reasons for this. I think a big one is the concept of vaginal virginity, and the realization that once it happens.... It can't happen again. And look, I get it, I'm not a young dude anymore - this whole concept is really unfair to women particularly. It puts this tremendous pressure on you to "make it count" the first time you have sex. I think if you find a guy who you really like and feel comfortable with, then when YOU feel comfortable moving onto sexual intercourse you can give that green light. But that is your decision to make, because you are making yourself vulnerable and available for him. When I was a teenager, I guess I used to view sex as this sacred thing. I guess in my late 30's, I really don't, but at the same time I think it is still something you share with people of your choosing. If you're fainting in discomfort over this guy, maybe it's a sign you're not ready to make that move with him yet. Actually, Soulmate made a good point about this guy not wanting to stick around when your mom got home. Maybe it would have made it awkward for him? Idk. But it's something to think about. I am genuinely curious, so I'll ask the question: If you could have sex with a man for the first time, what would be the best circumstances for that? Would you rather he be mature? Would you prefer that he was also a virgin? I haven't gotten to be any lady's first, so this is something I sometimes wonder about. Being a straight person myself, I can't really fathom a lot of what's on your mind. But it is reassuring that you are open to partners of different sexes and can also explore your sexuality with the more gentle sex. I'm not saying this to come off as skeezy, but women are wonderful.

hi Soulmate and Balance! I didn't end up logging back in after that whole ordeal but I am so glad I got an outsider view on this situation. I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend not long after this happened. I'll answer a few questions both of you asked. "Why didn't he stick around to say hello to my mother?" It's a quite hard question to answer. I'm from a rather conservative country (and family too), and having crushes or dating someone is quite frowned upon by the older generation. It's much more common amongst people my age now, but I can't ever imagine my mom being able to sympathize with my situation when I'm not completely an adult. It's very common here to rely on your parents until you graduate from uni (if you haven't guessed already, I'm from India.) I simply cannot talk to her about this, since it would make a bigger deal than it should be, and I'd possibly be grounded or have my gadgets taken away from me. It's common to date without your parent's knowledge, and although there are some families that are supportive, mine just aren't. I love my mom dearly, but I can't imagine discussing about my love problems until I'm, say, in my late twenties. It's a very "date to marry" mindset here, and it's a lot of pressure to keep a relationship your parents are aware about. "What was it that happened back when you were both at school that he was aware of and therefore had data (memories) that you thought might help you to process what so far you haven't been able to?" I genuinely have no idea. I'm a complete beginner to experiencing romance from another person (my crushes have 90% been unrequited my whole life) and I think he was aware about the fact that I don't have the experience he did. I guess it was the power imbalance between us? I'm not sure, but I think that my inexperience was probably a big factor here. My friends also tried to reassure me that it always feels weird and uncomfortable during your first time, but I can't find myself to agree to that. He also said that you get the blues during your first time (implying that he wanted to try again), but I didn't want to try after such a traumatic first time LMAO. 'Emotionally dangerous' could be a way to describe him, since his previous relationship had been incredibly toxic. After breaking up with him, I'd realized how controlling he was towards his ex-girlfriend. "If you could have sex with a man for the first time, what would be the best circumstances for that?" As I mentioned in my post, I'm pansexual. I've always found that the connection has mattered to me a lot more than the gender ever has. I'm not at all insecure about their sexual history. I think I'd be able to give myself to the person I am the most comfortable with, and have a more personal connection with. Me and my (now ex) boyfriend didn't have the same interests, but we found joy in letting each other talk and ramble about their current hyperfixations. I was very attracted to his accepting personality, but after all that happened, I think I figured it out. I wasn't as physically attracted to him as I thought I was. That is a factor I should definitely consider in my future relationships. About the Spidey-Sense thing, I think it's true! I'm glad my body was able to speak up before my mind did. I definitely feel a lot less pressured and guilty after breaking up with him. We're still on talking terms, but it's not the same as before. Although it is quite disheartening, I think I'll be able to move on after all that happened. Thank you for the supportive answers ^-^

KeepItUpJae - hi! HI!!!!! :D "hi Soulmate and Balance! I didn't end up logging back in after that whole ordeal but I am so glad I got an outsider view on this situation. I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend not long after this happened. I'll answer a few questions both of you asked. " You didn't! Did you?? Oh, my god, I am so beeping proud of you I could do a back-flip!!! OMG! COME HERE, YOU LITTLE BEAUTY!.... ((((((((((((((((((((MASSIVE CONGRATULATORY BEARHUG)))))))))))))))))))))) What can I SAY? ....Welcome to the club! (You're a GenZ, right?) PLEASE stick around and use your experience and innate strength and savviness (of actions), your above-your-age self-discipline to protect yourself properly NO MATTER WHAT - even if it leaves you hurt (heartbroken or just majorly disillusioned and faith-dashed) in the process! (I COULD go on!) I am DEAD impressed, gal. Aren't you (with yourself)? You should be. You are (surprisingly/disappointingly- ) so RARE as to be part of an Elite 'club'! I'll read the rest in a min or later on cos I've others ahead of you in my responses queue now. Just had to get that out asap. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________ WOO-HOO, EVERYBODY...WOO-HOOOO!!! We have another brave and healthy Empath-Warrior in our midst. :)))))))))))))))))))))))

(Are you serious that you're only 18 but handled something that huge and tricky? You're not having us on or anything?)

PS: another little tidbit to keep you going for-now: You are NOT scared of Romantic (physical) Intimacy, anyway. You are "scared of" *NON*-Romantic (physical) Intimacy.... being used as someone's mere practise-partner, notch on a bedpost, s*x toy, (warm) hole in the ruddy wall... AND QUITE RIGHT TOO WHEN YOU'RE A (provably, *inheritantly*) TRUE LADY WITH SELF- AS WELL AS OTHER-STANDARDS (including common bloody sense!), TO MATCH. And there's the diff that makes ALL the diff. :)

(PS - Balance: No, she didn't mean she was bi-sexual, just that she's normally a no-hang-ups, touchy-huggy person with all of the people she likes or loves. :)) PS Jae: "After breaking up with him, I'd realized how controlling he was towards his ex-girlfriend. " And there we have it. Not sure staying friends with him is going to be viable. It might just leave you open to any time he feels like trying to Hoover you. Best you google it, including why they do it, what they're up to, so that you can be ready for him (with a great big Custard Pie) (with Pirahna fish swimming in it lol, listen to me, OMG, this one's got me really aggressive on your behalf, soz about that, haha!). (...but - "URRRRRRRRRRR...RUFF!") (What kind of parents produced THAT! He's got less self-control than a ruddy toddler!....IN YOUR HOUSE - ON YOUR TERRITORY, YOUR MOTHER'S TERRITORY (breathe....!......)). Just gimmie the gun, folks.)

Oh, and PS Jae and everyone: Rapists - whether violent or manipulative-coercive, or both - do not just wake-up one morning and go: I think today I'm going to go out and rape some b*tch! They spend YEARS gearing-up to it. Getting that bit bolder every single time they get away with it, developing and honing their act ("the monster getting fed and growing fatter"). ********Starting with sh*t like that RIGHT THERE!******** Have you any safe and anonymous way of warning all the women in your circle to be on their guard and never be alone with him, etc.? Think what he'd be capable of trying in another decade from now. A devil is born and then takes his first steps... What can we do? In your country and culture, I mean. ?

And, Jae - what do you think of Ayyshtonn's thread? I'd love to know your opinion?

Hi Jae, Well, I'm glad to hear things worked themselves out. I forget the user's name and which thread it was now, but a few months ago there was a person on this forum who lived in the US, but was originally from another country. They were religious, but conflicted because they were also a feminist. I guess sometimes I don't always approach things with the mindset that people who are posting here could be dealing with added traditional, societal and legal pressures that not all of us face. Attraction is pretty important, but there's ideal partners and then there's who's actually available. You know, a real relationship will come along one day. I was like 22 before I even kissed someone, and I ended up being with that person for a few years. It wasn't at all like I'd imagined it happening, but honestly I guess I'm thankful for those moments and just appreciate it for the positive times that got me through those years. I guess you hear the same old advice to, "Stop looking for love, and it'll happen when you least expect it!", and that can get kind of annoying. I don't think it's entirely true, because you still have to put in some effort, and be open to what the universe brings you. But I think a more accurate thing to tell you is to not obsess over it. When the moment and timing and everything is right - and the planets all align, etc, etc - then you'll know it's your chance to make something happen for yourself.

Well, they don't have to be IDEAL. They just have to NOT be the OPPOSITE of ideal. ""Stop looking for love, and it'll happen when you least expect it!", and that can get kind of annoying." It's true. You least expect it because you're happy with your new, single, Narc-free life ("Wheeeee, freeeeee!") so aren't even THINKING about re-entering the (shark-infested) fishing pools. You're enjoying feeling healthy and happy again, too much. So of course you don't expect it. I've been single for over 8 years now, for the first time in my life (in terms of, not even so much as a quick flirt). Just not interested. Having too much fun with myself and my friends. I still experience everyday (and some not so everyday) practical problems. But not much emotionally. It frees you - and your creativity - up. Suddenly, you're having GREAT fun and you can go back to that fun thing/project ANY TIME YOU LIKE! It'd be like this: 'Fancy a drink?' 'I won't thank-you. I won the lottery and would rather stay where I'm sat while still in the midst of counting all these notes to know HOW MUCH.' No contest - right? And you're Active in terms of having the all-important Allure to attract, precisely when you're 'least expecting it' BECAUSE THAT MEANS, WEARING THAT MONA LISA SMILE. Contented and enjoying life (mostly...it's still a rollercoaster).

Jae, To continue with your rest: "I'm not sure, but I think that my inexperience was probably a big factor here." Then what are experienced people-victims' excuses for almost or actually falling prey like that? Nah. The big factor was because you're strong and lovely...and with something a little different about you...and a challenge, etc., etc. Not your fault at all. Just a reality of life. Being in the wrong place at the wrong time....the same vicinity as him.... Anyway... Your inner animal (that you inherited), evidently, is SUPER-experienced! Fabulous bodyguard! Give her a promotion!

Hey Soulmate and Balance (I really don't log on here enough), I just read all your replies. I can't really find Ayyshtonn's thread, could you tell me what forum its under? I'd love to go check it out. I wouldn't go as far as to call my ex a future offender, since even now I can acknowledge that he was just really excited to see me after a while and was just testing the waters. His previous controlling nature was just a hint of what he could be, and I'm just glad I pulled away from a relationship I wasn't into. "Have you any safe and anonymous way of warning all the women in your circle to be on their guard and never be alone with him, etc.?" I feel like this process will probably be very easy. They all know we were a thing and if any of them end up having a thing for him in the future, they'll come to me. I don't want to even try and think that they'd have a thing for him when they have a very different preference in men lmaoo I'm not someone who's actively 'looking for love', I've never been. Love just happens, does it not? There's no set time for you to like someone. If I had a say on how the saying "Love comes when you least expect it" should have been worded instead, it should have been "Love comes whenever it wishes to". You don't have to be ready or unready for it. It happens and its upto you on how you want to go about it. Also, I think you guys are right. I'm not scared of romantic intimacy. I'm scared of not having it with the right person. Now that I don't have to worry about him or having a crush or whatever, I'll live my life normally! There's a lot more to it than romantic love. I've got good friends, a loving mother, and a lot of opportunities ahead of me. I will keep my inner alarm on guard all the time lol!

Be with you asap, Jae (got guests)!

Heya (finally!). Never mind now about that thread, it's a moot point now. But... "Now that I don't have to worry about him or having a crush or whatever, I'll live my life normally! There's a lot more to it than romantic love. I've got good friends, a loving mother, and a lot of opportunities ahead of me. I will keep my inner alarm on guard all the time lol!" Spoken like a true Weeble (70s advert for a kids' toy with strapline: Weebles wobble but they don't fall down)! You're a Weeble. :) GOOD ON YA - YOU'LL GO FAR.