Brokenbonds

Relationship issues. Feeling betrayed. Family back stabbing. Feels like I am on one side of the table. Whilst the rest are sitting on the other side supporting each other. I speak but I am not heard. I am present but I am not included. I'm a leper. Until they want or need something from me. I wish to turn the table on them.

I'm angry. I would really appreciate an open discussion on Life. I crave answers. I'm finding this world we are currently living in and the calibre of people we are surrounded by very empty. I'm so unhappy with the people connected to me that I'd rather be alone. I try to get out there and meet people. However it takes only a couple of drinks to realise you're wasting your time in the company of insensitive, self obsessed, cold, aloof and emotionally detached people. Nobody feels anymore or rather only for themselves. I want to know why? I want to know how this happened? I want to now how people thought that somebody as mentally disturbed as Trump should rule. I am also hoping for a deep discussion on Death. What is it all about? What is the point? The people whom I loved and who loved me in return are gone. I talk to them but I can't feel them. Where are they? Why are they forsaking me? Is life after death truly possible? Why bother loving if it is only to lose? Once you have lost those you held nearest and dearest then why go on? I know you have to. Only your world is never the same again. Try as you might to fill the voids. Keeping busy. Working. Cleaning. Whatever it takes. It does not mend the empty feeling. People say in time. Wrong. Only people who didn't really, truly love with every fibre of their being would dare say such a thing. Perhaps they've never lost somebody who was their everything. Yes, eventually you will laugh again when you see or hear something funny however your own ears hear your voice and it sounds hollow. Your laughter has changed. Your tone is not the same. A little fake, a little forced. As time passes you realise that you laugh but it isn't genuine. No loud belly laugh. It never reaches that wet your pants level again. You wish you could. You want to but life is no longer amusing.

Hey Hippymom, I hadn't planned on hopping back on tonight, but I saw your post and decided to try and respond since I have the opportunity to. I am sorry hear of your losses. I think whenever I get down, I usually get brought back up by all of the things that surprisingly do go right in this life. They're there, you just gotta spend more time thinking about it, with a new perspective. Like you, I find myself going through a pallet of emotions and questions to myself each week in regards to life and the world. The past half a year has been something else, and I guess nothing's really shocking anymore. You grow up being taught all of these things and are given these ideals to live by, and everything is a bit of a joke. Safety is an illusion, people aren't truly loyal, and money rules everything. I've been all over the place for a while now, but at the end of the day I've found that there is nobody on my "side". I am what I'm looking for, and I'm going to be there for myself since nobody else is going to. I spent a good chunk of the last six months trying to form a community with people who I thought were on my side. But time and time again I eventually realized, too many of these people are hypocrites and make zero sense, and no wonder why my "side" was losing like crazy. Most of these people don't actually want to form one big community, instead they want to live in little bubbles surrounded by people who cheer on everything they say. They get overly aggressive with anyone who causes them any perceived slight, and like to play moral superiority above all. I absolutely get what you mean about not being heard. Of course, it's blatantly obvious the other side is pretty awful and selfish, and their whole thought-process is, "Well, these people aren't exactly like me, so they're bad, and I'm going to support anything that snuffs them out." It's hard not to feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. What surprised me most was how my closest friends chose not to vote. But I guess as the months go on I really can't blame them. The friend I had who was on the same page as me I've stopped talking to, since they take advantage of the system and don't care. Up until last year I was kind of proud of the fact that I was registered Non-Partisan, but I finally decided to choose a side and do what I thought was right. It felt like the past several years of my own experiences were leading me to this crucial moment, and to this personal growth. It felt like, yes, this was what I was supposed to do. ...And then it ended like that. So I don't know what in the Hell any of it's been for. I can't tell you where to go or what to do to meet great people. Perhaps that concept was always an illusion, since I haven't met a ton of people who are absolutely genuine and trustworthy. I am still thankful for the friends I do have, but life has taught me that no single person will be everything you're looking for in a friend - they'll be bits and pieces. It's up to you to decide whether the person is amazing enough compared to all other individuals you've met to be given this elite status of "Friend." I think my best pals have been people who are respectful of/to me, who are close to my age, and who mostly have their lives together and work a regular job. I am sure it is deeper than that, but my brain is a little bit like Jell-o right now, so forgive my lack of imagination. I guess something I would add to that is that they also tend to have really level heads, a friendly personality, and healthy senses of humor. Death. So here's my thing, I'll answer that by talking about Life. The thing is, life is like this hip and trendy TV Network that has been around since the beginning of time. There are all of these different shows going on, and at a certain point just about every show ends for whatever reason. Some shows get canceled after so many seasons, others last for whatever length of time is needed to tell the story it set out to tell, or sticks around because it makes the network money. Your own life is kind of like your own TV show on this network. Or, maybe a better analogy is that you are an actor who gets to play in multiple, different shows on the network. Maybe every aspect of your life is some different show, and maybe you aren't always the main character in it. For a few years there, I was a main cast member of a "show" that was a workplace comedy. At least, I think it was, since so much of my life at that time revolved around that job, and the people I met there. After so many seasons I lost star billing and was demoted to a supporting role, or a cameo. I guess you could even say I left the show for a season or two and came back, after this arc that took me to another job that didn't pan out. But even though I returned as a main character, it didn't last long before I was written out of the show. So I'll always be the character who was there between seasons 2 and 7, or whatever, and then never heard from for the rest of the show's long lifespan. Lol. That particular show is some of my best work, and one I like to watch reruns of. Or maybe I did, but now I've grown a little tired of it, and it's gotten kind of dated. But I feel like that chapter of my life ended - that show ended - and since then I keep trying to find another role that is as good as that one was. I usually liked comedies, but I keep finding myself in depressing dramas. Or, if I do find myself in a comedy now, it's usually a lousy multi-camera thing with an audience laugh-track. None of these new shows really lasted. But it's okay, because new shows are constantly getting picked up, and I'm still taking on new roles. Allow me to bring this crazy-ass idea full-circle for you now, to try to make my point, lol. So the thing is, the shows go on. One show ends, another show gets picked up and replaces that timeslot. It's perfectly fine to miss older shows that aren't on the air anymore, and to watch reruns of them. And sure, maybe too many of these new shows are just missing something that the older ones had - like a life lesson, or a happy ending. But for all of the reality shows and sensationalist news shows that dominate the airwaves, I still believe there are incredibly original and smart shows being made to this day. Every so often. You need to figure out which show you'll star in next, and know that nobody knows what waits ahead in the future. I'm going to end this here for now. I know this doesn't really answer your questions, but perhaps it will at least give you a different perspective, and a different way to look at your life.

Hi Hippymom, "Relationship issues. Feeling betrayed. Family back stabbing. Feels like I am on one side of the table. Whilst the rest are sitting on the other side supporting each other. I speak but I am not heard. I am present but I am not included. I'm a leper. Until they want or need something from me." Spoken like a true victim (Google "Narcissistic Family Dynamics - Scapegoat") of a narcissistic family! Including existential questioning. I'll try to pop in with my 2-penneth-worth in the next couple of days.

Hi again HippyMom - been trying but failing to find time (got guests), but will (WILL!) be logging-on on Sat onwards so please bear with me until then.

Bumping you up again - with this quick, potted version of my philosophical theory (which adds up - I've investigated it thoroughly from all angles) of what the point of life is, posted a bit earlier tonight on "Guest User's" thread: https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13911/potential-academic-integrity-violation-emotionally-wrecking-me (Poor abandoned lad, eh? :( ) Using this theory, I can also explain why 'the good die young' while the bad get to continue living, and yet, equally, frustratingly, so can the bad die young and the good live longer. It's actually incredibly simple and logical 'when you know how', for something seemingly so unfathomable. (I don't believe in Can`t and Unfathomable.) Hope that helps for now? See you again shortly!

You still there, Hippymom?