Is it cheating? What should I do

Long story.. As my marriage was ending I technically cheated on my abusive ex husband with a man I met far away in another city. This man was also married. We entered into an affair and fell deeply in love with each other. It was VERY intense and intimate. (I will spare the details. This was not a simple, casual or normal situation; if you read my whole story please assume this man is truly my soul mate; though I admit not my practical life partner - if that makes sense). My marriage was over but he was hiding from his wife. He started telling me he'd open up to her and she could choose to accept the affair or end their marriage. Then one day after months, he called and said she found out and he had to go silent for a while. But he totally disappeared. I expected him to at least let me know eventually what was going on and what he wanted me to do, but cried daily for weeks with no communication from him. It literally broke me. We started "communicating" just by watching each others Instagram stories; knowing the other would see the view in the list of viewers - that's it. I waited over 2 months and couldn't take it any more and ultimately drove to his city and surprised him at work. We sat in his car after his shift and he explained everything. We sobbed and agreed to put our relationship on pause, either temporarily or permanently; and that I would wait for him to make that decision and I would leave him alone. But he started contacting me again. We started talking consistently again and actually met up twice and then he said he was done with his marriage but I wasn't sure I should believe it this time. It didn't feel right but I was still in love and he made it clear that he was very much in love with me. But he was currently staying with his wife and would keep hiding me. So to clear my mind, I went back home and started opening up to the idea of actually truly dating, and started casually seeing 3 people in my city, being completely open to each of them that I was seeing other people and that I was also sort of on hold for this long distance affair. After some time I started talking more seriously with one of them men I'd been seeing. We entertained the idea of being in relationship, but I reiterated I was involved with someone and I wasn't ready for monogamy anyway (was finally sexually free after almost 20 years) and that I wasn't ready to stop talking to my affair lover. At first he accepted both the polyamory and the affair situation but after a week or so told me he was serious about me and that he wanted me to himself. I accepted and dropped the other 2 casual partners, but I was very clear that I wanted a couple of weeks or a month-ish to slow things down and break the news to my affair lover and end things with proper closure (I had already stopped talking to my long distance lover so much and stopped telling him that I loved him, stopped agreeing to future plans with him, etc). My new boyfriend agreed to those terms. But after only about a week or so, he started to get really upset and gave me an ultimatum - he admitted he couldn't actually do the polyamory / open sexuality thing and had strong feelings for me so didn't want me waiting for a long distance affair. So I messaged my affair lover and said I needed a break and not to contact me, and he did not question me - he simply agreed. But a week later he messaged me to ask how I was doing. I responded. We went back and forth casually through text for about 2 weeks, him just updating me on his life and me basically saying "okay cool" to everything. He did not know I had started seeing someone but I also felt he didn't need to know at that time because we weren't really together. Then my boyfriend asked me one night if I had actually stopped talking to my long distance guy. At first I lied and said I had totally cut it off. But after a few minutes I realized I was wrong, and admitted the truth. He accused me of cheating. I told him I didn't get closure, explained all the details but it was a HUGE 2-day fight. I decided to choose my boyfriend, so in a rush I messaged my affair lover a simple text and told him I was seeing someone else and never to contact me and that I would never contact him again. He basically said "I understand" and that was it. Here I am 10 months later, deeply in love with my boyfriend. We have fought countless times about this previous affair situation and my lying to him; he has said he loves me but he can't trust me because I cheated on him and my ex husband. I disagree that I cheated on him but yes I admit to my wrongdoing with my previous marriage. I have been 100% open and honest with my boyfriend for 10 months and never contacted my long distance affair lover again. But in secret, I have cried countless times about the loss of that connection and the lack of proper closure. I DO choose my boyfriend, for all practical and sensible and romantic reasons; and want to spend my life with him. I want to be the best woman and partner that I can be, for myself and for him. But there is a part of me that still aches to at least tell my old lover that I fucked up and did not end things properly. I don't want to be with my affair lover, I don't want to open a dialogue with him; I just wish I could have one last conversation with him and tell him how much he hurt me and admit that I how much I hurt him, address the toxicity of our situation, remind him that yes I do believe he is my soul mate but that in this life we should not and will not be together, and shake hands properly and never talk to each other again. But I have refrained. However I just noticed a blocked text on my phone from 4 days ago.... after 10 months of nothing, he sent me a whole essay about love and moving on and accepting (his perception) of my experience and said he won't reach out again. Now I am torn... I want to JUST ONCE respond, and give him the shit I think he deserves, and get one confession off my chest. But if I do that, I will be betraying my promise to my boyfriend, a promise I am proud to have kept this long and planned to keep until I die. My boyfriend (who is AMAZING about so many things) doesn't deserve for me to hide any lies like this but I also feel totally broken because I was pressured into abruptly and unethically cutting all communication off with someone I had a very special connection with. This is literal, gut-wrenching pain - the love that I had and connection that I had deserved better too. WHAT DO I DO?!

Hi again, FWFBatty! Sorry for the wait - someone will get to you soon enough; if not, I will. Sit tight. :)

Hi there. You didn’t physically cheat, but your new boyfriend may feel you emotionally cheated. However, he didn’t respect your desire to have more than 1 partner, so he kind of went back on his word too. I would be torn too, but if there’s anything I know is to put yourself first and the rest figures itself out. Just my two cents.

Why are you with someone else when you obviously haven't finished with this other guy? If you had, you wouldn't have that urge 'to give it' to him regardless if he deserves it or not. You fell deeply in love with this guy & now you're deeply in love with your BF? It doesn't work that way as you now find yourself torn apart trying to maintain a relationship with someone else, but you have no closure from the previous? yeah, nah. Your BF accuses you of cheating while you try to sort your head & where does it leave you? You've proved to yourself that you can't do it - you can't maintain a successful relationship while still joined 'at the hip' with someone else. None of us can do it. Of course your LDA will reach out again regardless of how because, as you said, you haven't had closure after you were deeply in love with him. You haven't blocked him 100%. Forget about worrying about 'cheating' as your current BF comes across as a controller even after just 10 months. There's your biggest issue right there. You need peace, you need comforting, you need support & you deserve the right man, but you can't do it unless you sort your head out properly. You don't need an 'amazing' man making such demands on you that you end blueing with him countless times...hello?! You're pretty fragile whether you realise it or not. Start being kind to yourself by being true to yourself & you'll find that you won't have any lies to hide at all... from anyone to be honest.

Just a quickie (have't read the previous responses yet): What you do is this: You grit your teeth and let life and time provide/complete the closure on the emotional level and, meanwhile, accept these facts: You went from abusive husband (who clearly "Future Faked" to get you to marry him in the first place cos NO WAY would you have said I Do had you kow what was to come - no way!), STRAIGHT to someone else's abusive husband - knowingly and deliberately using you and stringing you along, using long-distance as a tool to keep you in the dark...yup, Future-Faking again (and great sex by which to hook you extra-deeply) - albeit he was of a lesser severity of abuser than husband-not - and from there, to matey here, "Boyfriend", who is a BIT of a Future Faker ("I don't mind!.......And now I suddenly do"). I don't blame him for ultimatum-ing you, however, because even though we could say he's moved the initial agreement goalpost, that MIGHT well be down to the fact that he's grown fond enough that he now wants exclusivity. (Which do you think - just keener or over-entitled and his ego can't take it?) Your whole problem is the fact you haven't had the opportunity to 'stop bleeding'. You've been too busy trying to get a man in your life (for a sense of security...common panic or knee-jerk reaction to having for too long tolerated an abuser). Therefore, by having entered the 'mating-ground water' again (in the hope of getting a dolphin), you've attracted sharks.... And, btw, when sharks are circling you, non-sharks steer clear of them and thereby you (in case you were wondering where your social life has gone). Your practical closure is this: Even if you did get given a decent audience with the LD user, you STILL wouldn't get any closure. He wouldn't hold his hands up and admit anything, you'd just get played again as he lied through his teeth. Narcs are known to deliberately withhold Closure. Because then you'll chase them back, whereupon they can Hoover you back into the servitude dressed up as a romantic relationship (just because they sh*g you). Saves them the bother of chasing you (they have a lot of other human plates to spin simultaneously and keep strung along). You've gone: Overt Narc (husband(-not))...healed a bit...Managed to get a taxi out of there via a Covert Narc (Mr LD)...healed a bit more (in spite of it all) and met current boyfriend (BIT narcissist-IC as he doesn't pre-take responsibility for what he decides to promise ('Don't mind'), note... I mean, any idiot should know that not minding could all too possibly change on a sixpence if the two of you prove compatible and bond). But, to me, his acceptance of those terms just smack of low self-confidence and sense of self-worth....or maybe he was desperate for cuddle with someone caring as well. Dunno. That's for you to know (and tell us). PS: GOOD! Glad you cheated on your ex-monster ...tho you didn't...he broke the marriage contract YEARS before then. Serves him right. What advice you get next depends on what your responses are to these questions of mine re current BF, but - hope that helps for now?

Hey Batty, Your situation reminds me a little bit of SunnySarah's thread, but from the perspective of her boyfriend rather than the poster herself: https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13895/are-these-red-flags But of course since there has been actual cheating going on in your situation, it's a little more serious than that, even. The thing you have in common with Sarah's boyfriend is, you both haven't moved on from that last partner. And even though you've pretty much stopped seeing and directly interacting with each other, you've left those lines of communication to him open. I'm not saying you have to change your number and email address and everything under the sun to avoid him. But you could have blocked him and you didn't. Despite your assurances that you really just want to get full closure with this guy, I'm a little unconvinced. If you wanted that closure, you would have tried to get that when your current boyfriend gave you that ultimatum. Instead you went back and forth talking to the affair guy several times after. You could have easily used that opportunity to go get everything off of your chest with him, since you kept talking to him anyway. You didn't go and get closure, or even try to, it sounds like. And you probably would have been forgiven in going and seeking that closure because your boyfriend also lied/changed his mind about being okay with this whole situation to begin with. Here's the million-dollar question for you, Batty. If your affair lover came back into your life, and was really completely done with his ex-wife, and wanted to see you again, would you indulge him? The thing is, you keep mentioning this love you had, and this connection you had with your lover. And it's clear that this is something you sacrificed for your current relationship. But maybe you didn't want to sacrifice it? What you've really got to ask yourself now is, do you want this relationship and to put your lover behind you? Or do you want back your freedom, and this former love and connection you lament losing?