Emotional roller coaster

I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster this week and I feel like I’m losing my mind. I have discussed this with friends to a point but out of a massive fear of judgment here I am. So there are 3 people-S, D, and T. I’m S(32f) and I’ve been with D (33m) for 5.5 years. And I love him, I do but the one thing that could break us is money. D and I had a long conversation about it tonight after me covering for him financially ended up putting me into debt and a bad financial situation. He listened, he was attentive, he apologized and we worked it out at least for now. Side note: our relationship has always been one where we are just nice and supportive and respectful of each other. Also neither of us wants marriage or kids. Now we come to T (32m). We met 14 years ago during our freshman year of college and we have been friends since. My relationship with T is one where while I have no doubt that we care about each other and support each other we aren’t afraid to speak our minds while also getting in a good dose of playful teasing. Over the years, some may say we have been flirting with each other (playful teasing, physical touch(not sexual), cuddling up when we hang out) and it came out a few years back that we had both had feelings for each other. We didn’t pursue it because I was living out of state and I didn’t feel ready for a relationship. He respected my boundaries but continued to contact me and make me feel like a princess. The last time we spoke of any lingering feelings we agreed to just be friends because we want different things (he is set on marriage). But we have continued our friendship and a few things happened recently that make me question what is going on in his mind. The most significant of them is probably the other night. I was very upset about the financial situation with D and took some time to be alone that night. T called and I told him what was going on and he stayed up and talked with me for over 2 hours and would not let me be sad. Some other things that happened include him cuddling with me last weekend when we saw each other, him calling me several times this week and us talking for at least an hour each time, him being concerned about me because of the lung damage I suffered a year ago, and him checking in with me after I let on that I was upset. And yes he knows that I’m with D. But he also made a comment that left me feeling like he’s more important to me than I am to him. He’s called me almost every day this week and more often than not I end up crying after it. The honest truth is that I have feelings for both of them. But neither one of them wants to do anything with me if I’m with someone else. I feel like a massive idiot-hope someone can help.

At the end of the day, it's not healthy that you have a close relationship with another man outside of your 5.5 year old relationship whether it's out in the wind or not. It's not fair to you, to your current partner or to the other guy. While you continue to turn to T, when things go pear shaped within your relationship with D, you'll never work it out properly. Sure you love your man of 5.5 years, but are you in love with him? does he respect you for who you are? does he know your love language? does he do the little things for you? If he does, why do you let another man comfort you who you reckon is just a friend? Importantly why has your partner's actions put you in debt? Furthermore, what is his right to dick around with your finances if neither of you are talking marriage or kids? This guy T, his actions are doing all the talking as to what you mean to him. Yep, as you post, he cares in more ways than one. He's never let you go even after 14 years. You're no idiot, but can you not see the forest for the trees? There's a good chance that neither of these guys is who you need, as your connections, as you post, with both of them are just not singing properly. It's all good if you don't want marriage, but what & who do you need in your life? Have you found that one who shares your values & standards? In a nutshell, D's done the dirty on you while T's comforted you as a 'close friend', but the only way you'll sort it properly, is to walk away to sort your head to help you come to the right conclusion. It won't happen overnight & it won't be easy & you'll need to listen to your gut rather than your heart.

Hi Sasprincess17, I understand your frustrations with money, especially frustrations with money where a partner is involved. The unfortunate reality is that sometimes it's easier to manage your budget and finances whenever you only have to look out for yourself, and only have to spend money towards your own necessities and things you want. It almost seems counterintuitive because you would think that having a partner and having two incomes would make things easier, but it doesn't always. It can also be easy to put most of the blame on your partner, and it could very well be mostly their fault. But it's important not to make the assumption that things would necessarily be better with literally anyone else. You could break up with D, and still find yourself equally financially unstable with T, or with any other potential mate you may one day be with. The reality is that money problems are becoming a common problem, and the average person has a lot of trouble getting ahead and staying ahead financially in every aspect of their lives. Every time you turn around there is something new to worry about paying. Heaven forbid your car breaks down and you need to buy a new one and your insurance goes up and you now have car payments on top of that. ...This might be a little personal, but have you talked to D about trying out a polyamorous lifestyle and inviting T into your relationship? For most people it's probably a pipe-dream/wishful thinking, but if everybody involved has an open mind and is cool with it, or are even into it, then the pros could outweigh the cons. Just keep in mind that you may also have to be open to D or T potentially wanting to invite yet another partner into the mix, possibly another woman. But such an arrangement could lead to lots of fun, lots of laughs, closer relationships, and the added benefit of even more income. Of course, you would have to be careful how you go about proposing such an idea, and really think it through beforehand. (Do you think D and T would get along as friends? It does sound like T was kind of running D down a bit.) In most cases, I've found that it really takes a particular kind of person to be open to that sort of option, however. For most people I think the idea of sharing their partner and intimate lives with multiple people is really uncomfortable. It's not something you could just do with any partner, and for a lot of relationships you may like things just the way they are monogamously with that particular person. I brought this thought up to you because I have been open to open relationships over the years, and even had a partner once who seemed into the idea. Manalone's suggestion about being single and not getting persuaded by either guy is also good advice. It might be that you would be happier without being locked into a relationship, and being free to continue your search for the right person. But it does sound like you really care about both of these guys. And even if neither one is your forever person, that's okay, too. My ex said once that as long as the length of time you were together for was good while you were in it, that's what matters. It doesn't have to be the end-all, be-all as long as it is working for you for now.