Is there any hope of saving this friendship

I reconnected with an old friend after years of not talking. We were super close as teens, but our friendship back then was immature and sometimes messy, like a lot of friendships are at that age. We’ve reconnected more than once over the years, and most recently, it felt like we had both grown and were in a better place. We were talking again, sending memes, having normal conversations. Then out of nowhere, she brought up things from our teenage years, ; mistakes I made, things we both did and basically pinned everything on me. I acknowledged that I wasn’t a good friend back then, and I owned up to the fact that I participated in some mean, immature stuff. But she completely acted like she was innocent and like I’m the only one who needs to be accountable. It feels like she’s rewriting history and I’m the villain. I’m confused, because if she felt this way all along, why reconnect with me as an adult and act like everything was fine? I’m open to growth and hard conversations, but I don’t want to stay in a friendship where I’m being punished for who I was as a teenager, especially when she was involved in the same stuff. Is there any hope for this friendship, or should I let it go? I really care about her. I’m just blindsided.

Well, ThisIsMyUserName, it may well be your user name but (if you've no objections?), I'd like to call you Dory. :) (Finding Nemo is my all-time favourite animated movie as I watched it over and over with my kiddo when he was little! :)))) Anyhoo... It's not - it feels like. SHE IS (rewriting it) - fact! - and you're registering it. So of course you're feeling it too. The trouble-bubble is...When you're still at school, all your peers are going through the natural adolescent Narcissistic phase (flexing your ego and testing your strength of mind, powers of persuasion, etc., and, extra-sensitive with it due in part to your hormones daily dicking you around). Therefore, there isn't enough contrast between the temporary kind and the start of the full-blown personality disorder, Narcissism (big N) aka NPD. It's only once you've grown-out of middle- and early secondary-school playground nonsense and drama - say, at college or university - that suddenly you can tell, and think, 'OMG, they're no different to how they were at school, but WORSE, like they haven't matured AT ALL and we're still back in the playground!'. That's what's happened here. Narcs can't get rid of grudges. They'll hold them for a lifetime. No matter how petty or childish and nowadays immaterial or moot-point-ed they are. Disturbing and shocking, isn't it. There's holding a grudge and then there's Narcissistic grudge-holding. "I’m confused, because if she felt this way all along, why reconnect with me as an adult and act like everything was fine?" So that she could get you face-to-face in order to let-rip. Entrapment, basically. I mean, if you genuinely want to reignite an old friendship, you don't spend the reunion reading them their crazily-outdated rap-sheet, do you, because obviously the other person isn't going to want to meet a second time! She does't care if you don't. She'd had your (contrived) rap-sheet 'waiting' for years and here was her opportunity to, basically, beat you up ('just' emotionally). Also - are you doing much better than she is, these days - or were in the interim absence period? But here's the rub: If as she's now showing, she's "A" Narcissist, then, the psychological fact is that YOU WEREN'T TO BLAME FOR ANY OF IT. You'd have had no power or say - even if you were made to believe you did. (Narcs don't and can't do equality - only Master and Slave.) No Power, not even Co-Creativity? No influence or responsibility. And any Reactive Abuse on the part of the (even unknowing) victim is not abuse, it's unavoidable/forced self-defence. So in fact - if you replay all the past tapes in your head under that light - you're the innocent and only she was and is the perp....AS THIS SO-CALLED REUNION MEETING HAS SHOWN (right?). (Me, I'd have said to her: "Is Mummy here?...Shall I talk to Mummy?" :p) And of course you're open to growth - you've proven that with your (misguided) admission of half-blame. She, on the other hand, is not only Projecting and Blame-Shifting aka Stealing The Victim Cloak (- Google with the prefix "Narcissist - (etc.)", but, likewise typically, demonstrating GROSS Hypocrisy! "Is there any hope for this friendship, or should I let it go? I really care about her. I’m just blindsided." Let me put it this way: GOD, no! RUN, FORREST, RUN! That was her one-time opportunity and look what she did with it! Why - has she suggested another meet-up? Don't go. Because - know this: in WITH her petty revenge, is a BOGOF (buy one, get one free) (or in this case - get two options via the one action), meaning, (a) if it puts you off, she can just hunt another victim, or, (b) if it doesn't - she has gained herself a really good idea of how far you can be pushed/mistreated *without* her having to suffer any consequences. Me? I'd have chucked my drink in her face and said: "Fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffind another friend to bully, you freak!" (but then, that's me) (in that abject a situation, certainly!...talk about a set-up?!). Say it with me: UGH! Why would you even WANT to? Has she apologised? (yuh, right). It'll only be worse the next time, and the next............ which is really harmful to your mental, emotional, physical, physiological and neurological health and welfare. Please don't. Normally I like being right, but I wouldn't this time if you came back after the second meeting with an even worse report. PS: What did you say once she'd finished her RIDICULOUS blaming, bitching and moaning? PPS: I don't even know her but I really-really want to slap her. Still, looking on the brigh- no - *less-cloudy* side - at least she's not a Covert (clearly too thick and permanently seething for that). I mean - really...It's just too ridiculous for words - don't you think? That was nothing LIKE a friendship. It was HOSTILE. You sure it isn't just intrigue...morbid fascination - or needing to see it again to believe it - that's making you consider a second meet-up? (Haha - shame you're NOT Dory or you could have forgotten all about it and her! :D)

PPPS: What did you do, anyway? Steal her pencil-sharpener? :p PPPPPS: Just to warn you, in all seriousness: Her 'option (c)' might be to make you feel guilty and remiss, just in-time for her to feel able on second meeting to ask you to lend her some money or do some other inappropriate favour. (Swat Narcs Do.) (Sorry, btw...you must be really disappointed. However...now ask yourself: was that a message from Fate to tell or show you something so that it could free you from something connected that's been impeding your progress? E.g. HAVE you been carrying needless guilt ever since school?

On an even more serious note (I'm still processing your post and getting ping-ins).... The fact she was so damned BLATENT about it, so OPEN about the fact this was entrapment... She might be worse than just NPD - e.g. Narc-Sociopathic (both conditions together - 'Co-Morbid', but usually also with Paranoid PD and even Borderline PD on top... in which case you don't want to provoke her (they're the serious stalkers). I would just shuffle away if I were you. I mean, if she'll go that far on a 'first date' then WTF is she going to be like after a few months or a year?! ("Faster, Forrest, faster!"). Seriously.

In short - that was a Sting, setting you up for.....an Ambush (hallmark of an NSpath). I've had that....e.g. "I promise on (daughter's) life I won't shout if you let me come round". Not only shouted, louder than ever, but smashed my dining chair in-two against the floor. While he was still holding it, I grabbed him hard by the b*lls and walked him backwards out of the door (shove-slam - "And don't come back or I'll call the Police!" (I called them anyway - prevention's better than cure here)). To shut NSpaths up, you have to be prepared to "be the bigger bully" (whereupon they flip into the Slave/Abused Kiddie role). If that's not your style (you sound very gentle) then you have to "ruuurn, Fo-wwest" as I say (Zero Contact...'disappear'). Those are a target-victim's two options, which have to be done consistently and to the hilt, to work. And best to keep your knowledge of what they are, to yourself, too, just in-case (better safe than sorry). If you need to say something, pretend you've got Covid or something else fairly long-term. In fact, Narcs DESPISE "needy" people/animals so if you're suddenly in a position where they might be expected to help you, they'll be off faster than you can say 'Hey - where are you g-...?'. Per-CHOO!...(cartoon dust). Puts them RIGHT off...there are easier victims around, innit.

Thanks for replying, Soulmate So she actually unfollowed me on Instagram, which is where we’d been catching up lately. I guess that was her way of quietly ending things. I never thought she was a narcissist or anything like that. I genuinely believed we had both forgiven each other for the immature, catty stuff from our teen years. I had no idea she was still holding onto that grudge after all these years.

Hi This, As to why your former friend wanted to reconnect again, one possibility is that they just had a lot they wanted to get off of their chest. I've had old friends reconnect with me, and I've tried to reconnect with old friends before, and sometimes it's because you never really got closure. This isn't always bad stuff that gets brought up again, sometimes it's an apology or wanting to set right misunderstandings. One such friend, I hadn't talked to since clear back in 11th grade. I had moved away from my hometown, and mulled over whether to accept his communications or not, but eventually did since I never really went on bad terms with that person. And Idk, I guess we caught up and that was about it, he was just curious about what I'd been up to the past few years and how I was doing. After that instance he never really reached out again, though I did again at one point. It was difficult to really ever catch up with him again. Sometimes you reconnect with someone you haven't spoken to in a long time, and you remember the pros better than the cons. This has happened to me, too. I lost contact with one person for about 13 years, and tried looking her up a few times but with no luck. Eventually I did find her again, during Covid. For a little while it seemed like it was going well, but pretty soon we started clashing over stuff - just as we had back in the old days. Which leads me to another reason - sometimes we think we want a certain person back in our lives, but we got it right the first time when we went our separate ways. I actually don't care about speaking to anyone from school again. There have been some people I've wondered about and wanted to try to find and talk to again throughout the years, but the track-record I've had with that sort of thing has not been great. It's best to leave it in the past, where it belongs.

At the end of the day, if your friend doesn't want to grow up & wants to stay in the past, then leave her there. Life's too short for the bs that get's thrown around masquerading as inane maturity.

Hahaha! - look at that, Dory.... You got me and my stop-start verbal diahrrea, explaining the whole set-up, then you got Bal's reminder that even if the meeting *had* gone well/she'd been normal, there was little or no guarantee you'd have related like one used to (when trapped with them at school (let's be honest, there's no 'choice' in that limited environment))........and then you got Mannie, coming out with two, short sentances that somehow encompasses everything in one hit! (:D - show-off!). Yup, I think that covers it. :) (Good teamwork, guys!) Have a google with 'why Narcs can't let go of grudges- actually, I'll do it for you... Hey, look, the AI version that popped-up is spot-on!... "Narcissists hold grudges because of their fragile egos, deep-seated insecurities, and inability to take responsibility for their actions, which leads them to externalize blame and perceive slights as personal attacks that require vindictive retribution rather than self-reflection. They see forgiveness as permission for ((- sic - 'from')) others to continue wronging them, and they often use grudges as a tool for control, power, or to maintain a sense of superiority. ((Incredible, isn't it - that they can misbehave and be shockingly inappropriate like that yet still delude themselves they're superior!...Nuff said re 'kids in grown-up suits'.)) Reasons why narcissists can't let go of grudges: ((because they're in-saaannnnnne, of course?)) ((the Malignant ones, I mean)) Fragile Ego and Insecurity: Despite a facade of grandiosity, narcissists possess a very fragile sense of self-esteem. Any perceived slight, criticism, or unmet expectation can be a deep wound to their ego, leading to intense resentment that they cannot easily release. Inability to Take Responsibility: Narcissists struggle with self-reflection and accountability. Instead of examining their own behavior, they blame others and shift responsibility for their problems, creating and clinging to narratives where they are the victim. Need for Control and Superiority: Holding onto grudges allows narcissists to maintain a sense of control over others and reinforce their perceived superiority. They may use the grudge to manipulate, devalue, or punish those who they believe have wronged them. Emotional Dysregulation: Narcissists lack healthy emotional regulation skills. Their inability to process emotions like anger and hurt constructively often results in them holding onto these feelings and seeking revenge to alleviate their internal distress. Externalizing Blame and Seeking Validation: They project their own internal conflicts and flaws onto others. Holding a grudge also allows them to garner sympathy and validation from others by presenting themselves as victims who have been wronged, often distorting the truth to fit their narrative." ____________________ PS: "So she actually unfollowed me on Instagram, which is where we’d been catching up lately. I guess that was her way of quietly ending things." I think that's proof-perfect that she had no intention of re-starting things. (All together now: "Matroooon?!...") PPS: Stick around to dissect and put-to-bed those past events, or pop back any time if you're short of close friends at the mo. We know how you feel. PPPS: Another theory or side-theory: she took one look and 'sniff' of you and thought: '*I* can't compete with *that*?!' so decided to have a handy toxins-puke all over you (psychopathic-type opportunism) as a pre-justification for her staying away from YOU from then-on (because you and your maturity show her up to herself too much for her puny ego to take).

A simple answer: No! Let it go!! Don't carry your past on your shoulders!!!