Navigating control and co-parenting

Hi all, I recently separated from my co-parent after a long period of feeling emotionally erased and subtly controlled. It wasn’t an explosive or overtly abusive relationship — but over time, I found I was losing more and more of myself. I became isolated and emotionally brittle. Close friends began voicing concern about me and the relationship. The control wasn’t loud. It came through shifting boundaries, emotional expectations, and now there’s a sense that my role as a father depends on how well I align with my co-parent’s narrative. When I try to assert myself, the dynamic shifts instantly — I receive messages saying our child is upset or less keen to see me. Since the separation, I’ve felt deeply isolated. I love my child profoundly and have tried to remain present, but I increasingly feel that my relationship with them depends on my relationship with the co-parent. I’m torn between two painful paths: Staying separate, which protects my emotional integrity but risks being seen as absent. Returning, which might offer proximity but feels like stepping back into a system that harms me. I’ve spoken to friends and family, and while their advice is often clear — that the dynamic is unlikely to change — I still struggle with the choice. I don’t want to abandon my child, but I also don’t want to abandon myself. I’m not looking for diagnoses or blame. I’m looking for stories from others who’ve faced similar situations: How did you name what was happening? Did you find ways to stay present without being controlled? How did you navigate the grief and isolation of stepping away from a role that mattered deeply? Thanks for reading.

I don't have a story for you, but I can assure you that the control from a manipulator is never loud. I can also assure that in this case, you will probably need to walk away if you want to preserve your own sanity. The fact that you feel that your relationship with your 'ex' will determine the relationship with your child, is nothing new as you've already accurately described them as controlling & isolating. A court may be able to help you with co parenting rights & your family & friends have probably offered you the best advice that you'll ever get...& of course the most important aspect of the this whole saga is your child. You could consider counselling which would help you to understand that you're not abandoning your child if you're looking after yourself mentally, so you can be a parent in the long run. If you fall over trying to do the impossible, you'll be no good to anyone, let alone yourself.

Guys, Well, *yes*, control from a *Covert* is never loud ("...until it is", usually if you 'push' or corner them) - or from a Narcissistic Sociopath (- parasitic and usually pettily criminal with it) in Covert *Mode* (they can be 'quiet' for roughly 2-3 years, I've found, seeing primary relationships as their *job/income*, ergo, they wait until you're *super*-hooked to slide or rip the Mask off)... And definitely from an Overt, obviously. But it's hard to tell which of the former two she is, at this premature point, especially not knowing the tenure or when you first noticed something was off. Covert: "Death from a thousand papercuts". (Does that sum it up, FromTheAshes?) Yeah, I've got my own story (and others'). Zere are vays und options, don't vorry, comrad. But it'll take an ongoing thread, starting with your good self going into the history and detail, e.g. describing the early days, how you met, who approached who, etc....I'll first need to frisk her thoroughly to get her full number, you see (know thy patient - know thy secret enemy). My fave is Counter-Manipulation, aka 'being The Narc's Nightmare' - in this case, faaaar more subtly than even they could shake a stick at (because it's FUN, and you probably haven't had any of that for bloody ages), using things like, not just double-bluff but triple. I also make amazing 'cocktails'. It'll make you narc-invovement-proof for the rest of your life, too. You're going to have to plant your flag more firmly on your own side, though. AND, regrettably, wait for the end of this week (I'm disappearing up my own spiral at the mo.). However...you can't do it without "diagnosis" (i.e. identification of type and any uniquenesses) or blame, I'm afraid. So cease viewing her through the Normal Person Lens or you'll lose. This is a battle you're in (and always was, just unbeknownst to you). You need to be prepared to go to (under-the-table) war, finally...but Cold War (which will suit your non-confrontational nature). But if you're worried your kid will get to know about it, then - NOPE! NO WAY, JOSE...the whole point of this exercise is that they don't ever, and you get to keep protecting them using "Mr Tickle" arms (haha). Only Coverts that haven't met me yet think they're subtle. And, yup, I've got zillions of stories (plenty on here, too, if you want to have a surf?). Plus I grew up in a Cult...and then mutineered and dominated that cult, hahahaha (but mostly 'benignly', invisibly and rewardingly). The other bonus is you get to make this place your second home and won't feel isolated or lonely any more. What say you, Gunga Din?

Actually, it's truer to say: *I'll* be going to undetectable war with her. Just through you. Did your mum or dad ever dance with you as a kid by standing you on their feet? ...bit like that. Also forgot... ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((RUDDY GREAT SIBLING HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

No? Not ready?

I would not get back together with your ex. You don't seem happy at all with this person, and will just put yourself through unnecessary anguish. In fact, you list "Isolation" as an issue you had both with and without your ex. Frankly, I'd take the isolation without all of the other crap. Isolation might not feel great, but you have to find the good in life where you can. Rediscover the joys of being your own person, and being single and not tied down to someone you obviously don't click with. Your child(ren) is(are) the main priority here, and you should prioritize finding a way to work out custody with the co-parent. As long as you are taking your custody seriously and making the most of that time with your kid(s), that's what matters - it doesn't mean you are absent because you and your ex split and you're no longer one family unit. Actually, there is another user here with a similar sort of post. The difference is that their ex-husband and them seem to be on better terms than you and your ex. I think you should check it out, maybe you two can provide each other with some much-needed perspective. I'll link it here. Not sure when/if user Luna1111 will return to respond, but I'll link this thread there, too. I hope it helps! https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13945/our-marriage-ended-he-now-realises-he-made-a-mistake-will-it-work