Loneliness and parasociality

Hi all! I'm back again after a few months (Hi @soulmate!). Lately, I am feeling kinda down, perhaps in a depressive episode. I mentioned in my previous thread about the lack of dating and general socialization. I had been to my hometown recently. It is a very low stimulation chill kind of place and I generally pick up some new obsession while I am there. Last time I got very deep into a lady vlogger who has been uploading for many years (Melanie Murphy) but I got over it after some time. This time around it is KW Bogen (the freckled girl x hot chef romance if you are on Threads but I have been following long before that). It makes me feel very weird. Like I have this huge parasocial crush on this person and it is very different from crushing on a celebrity or a big influencer who are visibly fake sometimes. In any case, they don't interact with you but smaller accounts like hers do. It all feels very weird. Like do I know there are zero chances of even meeting this person? Yes. But I sometimes feel like online personalities such as hers have set the bar so high that I struggle to find people in everyday life attractive. I feel like every person I meet, I am going to compare it with her. I am not referring to how they look. That is a part but just the intellect, polymath abilities etc. I do understand the cause - my life has been kinda boring lately. Nothing big on the horizon to look forward to in recent times and add to that lack of meaningful human connections outside of a few friends, especially lack of romantic connection. I feel so angsty while reading or watching romance books/movies and it sucks because I do love them. Anyway, I am looking for ways to mitigate this. It has gotten better in the last couple of days but it still feels like it is the only thing currently that gives me hits of dopamine in my day.

Hey Heisenberg, I don't have a ton of time to respond here, but I'll give it a go. I'll likely come back to you again one of these other days when I can think more and respond more thoughtfully. So I don't think there's anything wrong with having a crush on this influencer person, and I don't see anything wrong with commenting on their content or conversing with them. ...I think it becomes a problem when you become obsessed, and also when you misread your familiarity with them and think you're closer than you actually are. I'm not gonna sit here right now and rip away any hopes you might have of bagging and dating a person that attractive and interesting. At the same time, you do have to be realisic about whether that would ever be a possibility. Of course, you can't read minds, only speculate. You say that you feel boring and don't have much going on, and you do have to ask yourself if you're being fair about who you consider for dating. I can actually relate to your situation quite a bit. I think the main diffetence is I constantly ask myself, "Am I worthy enough for ____?", "Am I being unreasonable?" And I will have mental debates with myself and agonize over that for a while. I think life is short, and if you are single and have a thing for this person, then maybe you should try to converse with her more and see if she wants to talk and tell you more about herself, and get to know you better. If she doesn't have any interest, that's fine. You can move on from it. But you should ask yourself if you would be just as interested in this woman if she were not an online personality, and were a random person you encountered downtown. It is hard enough to meet the right woman just going downtown, after all. I will get back to you again sometime.

Hi thanks for the reply. I can assure you getting together with this person or even meeting is as impossible as for any other celebrity. Plus she's already partnered. I am thinking more about why I get obsessed with such personalities and how it might affect my inability to date around me.

Hi again Heisenberg. Well I see. In that case, might I suggest that the fantasy of this person just seems more exciting - along with everything this hypothetical life with said person would entail - than striving to get into a real relationship? Relationships aren't easy. They aren't easy to get, and they aren't easy to maintain once you actually have one. Plus, actually being in a relationship with someone is not always roses - in fact you might argue a lot and you might not get to see the best side of the person you're with all of the time. The honeymoon phase does not last. Why do you attach yourself to these influencers, when you know they are something that can never be? Well, for starters, it is a "safe" crush for you. You can never be let down because you aren't actually taking any chances and you have nothing to lose. You can feel some imaginary connection to an attractive and interesting person and not have to put in any sort of work to get a relationship with somebody like that. ...I looked over your 2022 post a bit (just glanced over some of the posts) for some reference, and noted how you mentioned that toxic women were your type, due to your first crush or w/e being that way. I also looked over your follow-up post, where you had drunkenly sent J a new friend request and she hadn't checked it out the following day. How did that all go? I'll level with you - J sounds like the type of woman that would snap at you over little, dumb things. She snaps, she holds grudges, and honestly there is just a whole lot of drama there that I wouldn't bother with again at this point. I also realize I don't have the full story on the "#NotallMen" thing, but I also wouldn't be a total pushover and would stand up for yourself as an individual. Are you a monster? No? Well, okay then. It bothers me how society has embraced these blanket statements for various issues, instead of trying to see every perspective. It sounds like you have lots of acquaintances and pals from college, (and possibly even your field, now) and a decent way of meeting some smart and driven women. You are in SCIENCE! Ample opportunities abound to meet women with brains. Likewise, ample opportunity to make good money, with which to aid in procuring attractive women. Being someone who doesn't have a great career, I've always been jealous of successful people who have a great job and are well-liked. Having connections, money and success is pretty much half of the battle nowadays in securing a relationship with a really attractive woman. You should consider the resources you have right in front of you. Maybe you are just unwilling to run into a repeat of your situation with J. Well, let me tell you that you are going to fail. Again and again. But that's a part of life. And it's up to you to decide whether things failed because of you, because of the other person, or because it just wasn't meant to be with that individual. But you don't need to worry as much about bumping into toxic ladies if you're setting the better goal of meeting successful women.

Heya, matey! Be with you asap- bear with!

Eyup, Chuck! "Hi all! I'm back again after a few months (Hi @soulmate!). Lately, I am feeling kinda down, perhaps in a depressive episode. I mentioned in my previous thread about the lack of dating and general socialization." (Haven't read Balance's reply yet, btw.) So basically, lack of a social life/support network is getting you down. You and practically everyone out there these days, but, let's see what we can try... "I had been to my hometown recently. It is a very low stimulation chill kind of place and I generally pick up some new obsession while I am there. Last time I got very deep into a lady vlogger who has been uploading for many years (Melanie Murphy) but I got over it after some time. This time around it is KW Bogen (the freckled girl x hot chef romance if you are on Threads but I have been following long before that). It makes me feel very weird. Like I have this huge parasocial crush on this person and it is very different from crushing on a celebrity or a big influencer who are visibly fake sometimes. In any case, they don't interact with you but smaller accounts like hers do. It all feels very weird. Like do I know there are zero chances of even meeting this person? Yes. But I sometimes feel like online personalities such as hers have set the bar so high that I struggle to find people in everyday life attractive. I feel like every person I meet, I am going to compare it with her. I am not referring to how they look. That is a part but just the intellect, polymath abilities etc." Right. Well, that just sounds like your typical situation whereby the bloke is AND ISN'T ready to start a relationship, so he shuts-up the half that does by supplying (yeah, it's Kirk as per) him a Poster Girl. That way, he feels like he's part of the romantic/dating world, but doesn't have to actually go there (and get hurt too soon again). "I do understand the cause" Oh! I didn't read your reply either, haha ...until now. Okay... " - my life has been kinda boring lately. Nothing big on the horizon to look forward to in recent times and add to that lack of meaningful human connections outside of a few friends, especially lack of romantic connection." Obviously 'especially romantic'. "I feel so angsty while reading or watching romance books/movies and it sucks because I do love them. " You feel ANGSTY? What - because it brings it home to you that you're girlfriend-less? In that case, maybe you need films that put you OFF? Try...let me think: The Marriage by Ingmar Bergman..... Comedy with Jennifer Anniston and whatsisface, big teddy-bear bloke....tsk, gonna have to oogle... Vince Vaughn, that's it - "The Break-Up" (prepare to piss your pants laughing). I'll have a think of some others. "Anyway, I am looking for ways to mitigate this. It has gotten better in the last couple of days but it still feels like it is the only thing currently that gives me hits of dopamine in my day." Well, then, we have to get you trying some new activities...ones that give your big brain something to chew over (plus said rush)...And for you to meanwhile take on this truth: In however many months or a year from now, when you GET GIVEN a girlfriend (Right Person, Right Place, Right Time - Fate is in-charge), and then settle down (cohabiting and sh*t), you're going to look back and realise that you TOTALLY WASTED this one-time opportunity to sample OTHER, EXCITING THINGS. It's like trying to relax with a coffee on your sofa with the need to put the hoover round, nagging constantly at you. YOU CAN'T. So stop thinking things over and over, and just put the bloody hoover round, and then you'll feel better. Same principle with having no Singledom regrets (which are always the things you never did get to do at the time). How does that sit? Ever tried a bungee jump? Hang-gliding lessons? Mountaineering? Joining the Territorial Army (whatever your equivalent is)? Joining a Rollercoaster club? Skiing/Ice-skating? Potholing? Learning to scuba-dive? Buying a metal-detector and trying your luck on your local beaches or fields? ......Well, alright, then, Clever-Clogs - YOU think of one. Come ooon - at your age, the world's your oyster! Where's yer Fear Of Missing-Out got to? LOL ;)

Seriously, though - it's ALWAYS-ALWAYS when you're finally really enjoying being Single that - Bam! - you meet The (Next) One. Why? Answer: Because you're finally really ENJOYING. Joie De Vivre - oui? (Ee-hoh-heeh-hoh.) That "je ne sais quoi" (although - I know.) That Mona Lisa smile. 'Ah did-n't knoww I-was looking for love until I FOOOUND yoooou, bayyyy-beee...'. It's NOT in your control - I'm tellin' ya! So if Fate won't deliver, it means there's something(s) else(s) it knows you should be doing whilst you're still free & single (and energetic). And it has a 'hotline' straight into your bonce. So it's going to happen when IT wants, not you (and nor her), and there's nothing you can do about it but ACCEPT THE HINT. This is true in life. Yeah, as a leaf blowing in the wind, you can choose which way your orient yourself. But you have zero control over which direction you're being blown from and toward. Innit tho... Here's an idea: why don't you apply to appear as a contestant on a quiz show? (You want adrenaline and dopamine?!.....)

One thing... "Anyway, I am looking for ways to mitigate this. It has gotten better in the last couple of days but it still feels like it is the only thing currently that gives me hits of dopamine in my day." J might have screwed with your dopamine production (it's how they addict you to them in record time) (similar to porn-peddlars). The 'needle might be stuck'. Do these dopamine rushes ease the pain over J (and that era and everything else your hopes got raised about)? Are you still getting Grief Waves? How often, roughly, and for how long?

"Seriously, though - it's ALWAYS-ALWAYS when you're finally really enjoying being Single that - Bam! - you meet The (Next) One. Why? Answer: Because you're finally really ENJOYING." Just gonna chime in again here, Heisenberg. Soulmate nailed it with that response. The thing is, when you imagine this hypothetical woman you will one day date, do you imagine someone boring and negative? No? Well, neither do most other people when they are imagining their idealized partner. And nobody can be on top of the world at all times, but we look for someone who presents themselves as friendly and agreeable and with their stuff together. I think this goes doubly for women - they get approached by so many absolute losers in a lifetime, that you need to at least have your own stuff together if you want them to take notice of you. I once had this friend I'll refer to as DH. DH was an alright guy, but he never took any sort of initiative with his life, and remained wholly cynical for the 20+ years I knew him. He would say things like, "I wish I had that sort of skill and could do that!", but then when you suggested he give it a try he would just be like "Nah.", and then move on to his next thought. In all of those years he hardly seemed to take any chances for himself, and I began to realize that he didn't even take our friendship seriously. He was a one-dimensional personality who I liken to your average Youtube or Facebook commenter. He always had some comment, but never tried to inspire people or think differently. He was a background scene actor from a movie come-to-life. He was the guy walking across the street in that one blink-or-you'll-miss-it shot. He is basically just some white noise. Don't be another face in the crowd. Follow your own path and be you, and don't just be another one of these many people that just sit around and say, "I'm bored."