Our marriage ended & he now realises he made a mistake.. will it work?

I separated from my husband 3 years ago after being together for 14 years and married for 9 of those, we have an 11 year old son. (We are not divorced) he has now told me he regrets his decision. In the run up to our split my husband suffered mental health problems and had a break down. I tried to be as supportive as possible but the same time I was desperately trying to rekindle the intimacy back as he had no desire whatsoever and I feared we would end up friends..however this pushed us further apart and all the rejection left me broken. He left me and bought a house (which broke mine and our sons heart) and went onto have a few relationships over the last 3 years. He has now opened up to me to say he wishes he could turn back time, he regrets his decision and he does still love me, that anyone else feels like 2nd best. I never stopped loving him and we co parent so well. However there is so much fear around trying again and failing (as we don’t want to hurt ourselves or our son) My fear of rejection from him is so intense that I have no idea how we could go there again after everything, but having him and my family back together is all I wanted. Please help!!

Hi Luna, I think, ultimately, you are in control of your life and it is your decision whether to move on or forgive and give a second chance. You need to try to consider whether getting back together is the move both of you really want. Are you absolutely sure it's what he wants? After all, he separated from you and went off to start his own life. Then again, people can change their minds. If he's a good father, that counts for a lot. You've both been doing a homerun job at co-parenting since the split, and that counts for a lot. That means you don't have to worry as much about your son - he has a mother and a father in his life, and that's what matters. And what about you? Have you tried moving on and dating new people since 3 years ago? I think you need to seriously consider a lot of things here. Your happiness and what you want. Your husband's happiness and what he wants. And also... What is so bad about ending up as just friends? People can have breakdowns. People can grow and change, and decide they want something else from life. Whatever decision the two of you ultimately make, you need to consider whether your husband would be happier finding someone else, and whether you need to be with him in order to make things feel normal again. I will say that, while it maybe isn't ideal, what you have is still a functioning family system for your son. What do you want for you? I think that is what you need to be pondering.

You need to follow your gut rather than your heart. You have a right to feel once bitten, twice shy & you have a choice as to which way to go as you're in charge of your life. If you're having doubts & asking others about what to do, then your gut is talking to you already. It's all OK to be friends with your ex & there's plenty of people who never get over their ex spouse for whatever reasons & continue to love them in different ways even though they're separated & with different partners. Some couples manage to get back together & be happy as they've managed to get that trust back to a whatever level they need it to be, to be able to function for whatever sort of relationship that they settle on. It doesn't necessarily mean that they're intimate, but when there's kids involved, it works wonders.

Firstly, thank you so much for taking time out of your days to help advise me on this situation, it’s appreciated so much. To answer your question, yes I have tried dating and was in a relationship that didn’t work out within the last 3 years. I had to force myself to put myself back out there after my self esteem and confidence were left shattered once my husband left and he told me he didn’t love me, however I still love him deeply. He has now said that it wasn’t that he didn’t love me “he just didn’t love himself and didn’t handle his mental health or stress well” I am so grateful for him in our life as he is an amazing father and still an amazing support to me as I’ve lost my mother unexpectedly and had work related issues which he has helped support me through. He was always my best friend and I felt so lost without him. The thought of us coming back together as a family is all I have wished for, but yes my gut is telling me I need to assess the whole situation here. The fear of this all happening again is extremely high and I couldn’t bear to put myself or my son back through it.. and intimacy to me is very important in my marriage because to me, if you don’t have that then ultimately you’re just friends. I he rejected me so much in the last 2 years of our marriage that I was left a broken woman. If we were to go back and try again it couldn’t be back to the way it was..but there’s no way of knowing until it happens..so incredibly risky. I’m so torn. On one hand life is short and maybe it’s worth the risk, perhaps we could start from scratch and date again without our son knowing to start with to see if we still have that spark between us, on the other hand is our successful co parenting and friendship we have worth risking if it wasn’t to work out again. I really don’t know if there’s an answer to this but your perspectives as outsiders are truly helping me evaluate so I thank you so much x

"I really don’t know if there’s an answer to this but your perspectives as outsiders are truly helping me evaluate so I thank you so much x" Yeah, there is, Luna, and I'll be logging-on in the next day or so - just as soon as I can! One question: how many weeks or months was it from his moving-out until he bought that house? And same question re until he began a new relationship? PS: you realise the house he bought is half-yours, I take it?

When he left the family home he stayed with his mother for a while and looked for a house, we used to have a couple of rental properties which we sold so he was in a position to get something for himself meaning I could stay in the house thankfully (which was my grandparents and my parents before we bought it from them) He got into a new relationship after a few months..which didn’t last and he had a couple more after that which also didn’t last. Regrading his house being half mine..I really am not concerned over what I should be entitled to etc as I am incredibly grateful to be able to have the mortgage to my family home in my name now.

(Has he apologized profusely and at every chance; has he treated his son very well during all of your travails?) Clearly he is untrustworthy and trying to get out of his rejections. You are better off starting anew. It's your life and you are the best judge of your circumstances and trust yourself to make the correct decision. Good luck!

"Clearly he is untrustworthy and trying to get out of his rejections." So you can see it too, EYI? (Welcome, btw, nice to have you!) (Love your 'E' as well.) I.e., what the surface suggests was ACTUALLY going on under-the-table? Luna, Did YOU feel all ticketyboo enough after just a couple of months to get all cuddly with another man? You'd think after 14 years a person would need at least a year to get over that size and weight of attachment, wouldn't you? RED FLAG, RED FLAG! He had to have been over you already. HOW!? Where was the attachment umbilicus as takes TIME to wither and detach? Not very respectful to your relationship, either, was it. Nor your child's need to get his little head around it and recover. Says WHO, he had a mental breakdown? What did his doctor prescribe him? Did you see the prescription? Did you see him taking any medication? I'm having a breakdown/I'm depressed/impotent/whatever, when you put it together with his subsequent actions, is an Old Chestnut of an excuse to PLAY AWAY...for which you need your own pad, right? "He got into a new relationship after a few months..which didn’t last and he had a couple more after that which also didn’t last. " Yuh, it's called, he shagged-around. I suspect his little plan didn't work-out as he'd anticipated, hence wants you back. Either that or it was to put you in your place (beating you lower and smaller with every rejection when instead, a normal-healthy man who loved you (even in-memoriam) would have removed himself to save you that(!) (AND the knock-on effect it would have on your son, his mum so miserable and disturbed for so long) ...to leave you too cowed to in-future raise any behavioural concerns (because he could too easily leave you again). His actions mirror a (pff) husband who 'wants to have his cake and eat it'. Free housekeeper/etc., etc. at home and a field to play away in. You were with him 5 years before you wed. Add another 9, your son's present age, equals 14, and it's not hard to see that you two married because you fell pregnant. Correct? Had any of this occurred to you as a possibility, Luna? PS: "I really am not concerned over what I should be entitled to etc" Don't make the mistake as Present You of making irreversible decisions for Future You AND SON. You WILL be concerned once your kid's needs grow ever-bigger with age. Uni, for example...bloody expensive...helping him with a rent deposit, buying his first car (and all the expense that brings) - all of that. You don't stop supporting your fledgling adult until they're financially solvent as one. (I was rich until he left home for uni...albeit covid didn't help.) ...Or pop the money into a Trust Fund/Isa for him - either-or. Put it THIS way: IF by then you find you are still unconcerned - give ex-husband the money BACK. Easy-peasy. Other way round- impossible. Anyhoo, I won't get too ahead. Let's see what you have to say now, because - this may be what your gut has been trying to articulate? PS: (((((((((((((((((COMMISERATION HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))

...And please bear in mind: after having had your self-confidence and -esteem shredded for that long, you're not the best judge. In that state, it's like trying to see the back of your own head without a mirror. But if I'm wrong in what I see in terms of hidden, background behaviour patterns, I'll be happy to throw as many suggestions/variations at you until your mind goes Ping! and has you yelling, 'THAT ONE!'.)

No rush, in other words. Pull up a comfy chair and blog your way through this, with our help, so that you can keep your head straight and not forget stuff (e.g. write his Rap Sheet). Let's get you out of this, smelling of Roses, shall we? YOU...and son.....haven't done anything wrong.

Hey..thanks for your message. I appreciate fully that by putting this question out in the world when no one knows me or my ex personally opens it up to opinions..which I do take on board. To correct you, we were together 5 years before getting married and tried for 18 months for our son who was then born the year after we got married, so no we didn’t get married because I was pregnant. We were best friends, husband and wife and it’s what we both wanted for our future. He has always suffered with his mental health and no that doesn’t excuse certain behaviours however has to be taking into consideration. He has been diagnosed and prescribed medication for this for years and I have attended multiple doctors sessions with him throughout..so it’s been a journey. Yes we are all human and have needs however he is not the typical sex driven man so I do not believe he got his own place to ‘shag around’ but was to put a secure roof over our sons head was his priority. I have never been a “house wife” role to him as I’ve always worked full time and we shared household responsibilities. As I said we were like best friends and loved the life we shared together. He’s a good man with a good heart but has his issues with depression..which is the end prevented us from being happy in our marriage and he decided it was best that he walked away. Yes it was extremely difficult when he moved on quickly and it hurt me greatly..obviously. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster. We have savings for our son for his future and I have no doubts whatsoever that we will continue to successfully co parent and support him whatever the outcome of what’s going on at the moment

Ultimately it sounds like the bigger picture is in order for you and your son, and the parenting situation will remain fine. So this isn't about necessity, and comes down to what everyone wants, and why. I think it can be very difficult to reconnect with people once you've gone your separate ways. Some people can do it, and in your case I guess you never completely lost touch. I suggest you both have a long talk about what led to those issues before, and what has changed since then. You also need to be able to answer why you want him back, and why he wants you back. And if you would be doing it for the right reasons.

Cheers, Luna...But then what about this? You report that TOO SOON he started dating - and, I gather, found someone very quickly (which is strange when dating sites/apps normally turn out to be a long-haul....unless they're just hook-ups), and, that he got through a good handful of relationships in that 3 year period. HOW?...if the guy's so depressed he can't 'get it up'? In fact, why would a bloke whose depression is killing any libido, both mental and physical, even WANT to (too soon) start DATING? What - 'No Sex, Please, We're British'? Just tea and cakes, followed by a bedtime story and fatherly tuck-in? If YOU were dating that guy, you'd think he were MENTAL! See? Doesn't fit, does it. :( So he must have been capable of getting it up with them just fine - right? Or how would ANY of those 'relationships' have worked? Unless - you can think of an explanation I haven't thought of?

Furthermore, I don't call a man who breaks his son's heart by abandoning ship and buying a new ship (thereby making it feel all too real) - considering he didn't have to because neither of you wanted him to(!) - "a good father". (Sorry, Luna, but you can't open a door - be it to escape to freedom or move on from any of this, if you're groping on the wrong side for the handle.) Not saying I'm right or by how much - just saying, his own explanation isn't adding up,...and, as I've just shown, in a big - biggest! - way. If he had been having an affair, then - some cheaters give-up sleeping with the wife so that (in their presently-skewed minds) they can't be accused of cheating on their Other Woman. At the same time, in their presently-skewed perception, they believe that since the present marriage status quo includes *not having a sex-life with you* at the time that they're having sex with the OW, then (cuckoo!) somehow that makes it Not Cheating. You've got to consider all of this. PROPERLY, I mean. Same way as you taught your kid that you have to look BOTH ways before crossing a busy road whereon you could get squished. Yeah? Sorry again - I don't like having to pose these painful questions/prepositions. I just don't want you - and son - to get fatally squished next time. RsVP.

Hey Luna1111, There is another user on here, FromtheAshes, who posted about a similar situation with his ex. The difference in their situation is, he felt manipulated by his ex and doesn't seem to mesh well with them at all. I thought you two might be able to provide each other with some perspective on similar issues, so I linked your post there and I'm linking their post here. I don't know if/when they will respond. I hope it is helpful! https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13943/navigating-control-and-coparenting

I just want to put this out there for you because when i split up from my first husband he tried making excuses for his behavior. But it really comes down to excuses, Im not sure why your husband didn't feel like he could talk to you at the time of mental health issues and what exactly is he doing about those mental health issues now that makes it so different?

"and what exactly is he doing about those mental health issues now that makes it so different?" That's a giant point! Nice one, OMTZ. _________________________________________________ Bal, Cheers LinkMeister! :)