Day off or not

My birthday is coming up and I’ve wondered if my husband should have taken the day off. Two years running I have been away on holiday for my birthday with my husband and the year before I had a night away with my husband. my birthday this year will be at home and I wished it wasn’t. We just come back from a week away and I wished he was off but it’s a week day and he is in work. I said it would be nice if he was off so we could do something but he said he was not off for his birthday because it fell on a week day. I said if I had known I would have told him to book the day off when he was booking for our holiday because he has one day left to use up. He said we can go for a meal just the two of us when he gets home. I don’t think he would want to ask his boss to have the day off when we have just got back from holiday and my husband said he has appointments set up in the week already. I hate being at home and all I will do is tidy up and wait until he arrives home to go out with which is sad. I don’t have nobody else to go out with as I don’t bother with my family or have any friends. I am 54. Should he have tried to ask his boss if he could have had the day off or not? Do you think he’s thinking that he was at home for his birthday this year do why can’t I be too? When I think back to my other birthdays knowing I was away from home and now I’m going to be at home it saddens me. It would have been nice to have gone for a nice walk somewhere and had a meal and It would have been nice to have been away from the house all day. It’s no fun being on your own going for a walk.

This is Isobel asking another question. My husband told our children it was my birthday coming up . should he have told them or not because they are adults and I think they should have remembered without him telling them. They have there own lives and two live away from us and he said if our daughter can spend £50 on a flight to see her friend then not get me something then it’s not right

Hey Isobel, I can really understand why you would love to spend the whole day with your husband, especially since that is how it has been in the past years. If this is something that really matters to you, it might help to tell him openly that it would mean a lot if he could take the day off so you could spend it together. At the same time I also see why it might be difficult for him to ask his boss for another day off right after your holiday. That is why I think it could be nice to still make the day enjoyable for yourself while he is at work. You could do a bit of self care, maybe read a book or magazine, go to a café and read there, or take a short walk if you do not enjoy walking alone, perhaps with some music you like, or start into a new or old hobby? That way the day does not feel like you are only waiting until the evening. When he comes home you can have your meal together or maybe also watch a movie to make the evening cozy. And then during the weekend or a day the two of you are free, when he is off anyway, you could do the bigger birthday plans like a day trip, the walk you wish for, and a nice dinner. This way you have some small special moments on your actual birthday and also something bigger to look forward to. I also understand why you feel hurt that your children did not seem to remember your birthday on their own. It is natural to want them to think of you without being reminded. At the same time it is not necessarily a sign that they do not care. Adult children often get caught up in their own lives, work, relationships and worries, and sometimes they forget things even when the person is very important to them. I also wonder if your husband telling you that he reminded your children might have made you feel even more disappointed, because it confirmed your fear that they would not have remembered by themselves? Sometimes partners share such things with good intentions, but the effect can be that it hurts more rather than helps. The same goes for his comment about money. I think he wanted to defend you and show that you deserve as much attention as their friends, but it can also create pressure or expectations that may not really be what you want. Often what matters most is not the money but simply the gesture of being remembered, like a call, a card or spending time together. Can I ask, what would mean the most to you personally from your children on your birthday? Is it a gift, or more the thought, the time, the feeling of being remembered?

Hello CREATIVENICK. I’m answer to your question. I suppose it’s being remembered by the children and getting a nice card from them as well. I’m not bothered about gifts because I know they cannot afford much. It is my birthday now thou and I got some nice gifts, flowers and cards from them. My husband got me some nice gifts too and a card. I did say to him about the day off that it would have been nice and he said why all of a sudden do I want him to take time off on my birthday. He said he didn’t for his own. I told him because this will be the first year at home and I wished I was somewhere far away. He also said it’s not a special birthday. This hurt me a little and I said he was right it was just another birthday. Made me feel that I wasn’t special to him. He turns 60 next year and he doesn’t want to celebrate it with. I think because he wonders we’re all the years have gone.

Hey :) First of all, happy birthday! I hope you’re finding at least a bit of joy today, even if it’s not exactly how you pictured it. I completely understand why you felt a little hurt. It’s really about feeling valued on a day that’s special to you, and it’s absolutely okay to want that. I can also imagine it feels even harder because you don’t really have anyone else to spend the day with, so the time with your husband becomes even more precious. That makes it completely natural to wish he’d taken the day off. Reading your first post again, it reminded me a bit of those “we don’t do presents at Christmas” situations where both agree not to, but one person still secretly hopes for something. The difference is that you did (or would) put effort in for him, so it feels extra hurtful when that effort doesn’t come back. I think it’s great that you’re having an open conversation about it now, making sure he knows for the future how important birthdays are to you. It really helps when we say what we hope for and why it matters to us.

Hello again CREATIVENICK. Thank you for your reply. My husband got home a little earlier than usual on my birthday. I told him I would be back in the afternoon around 12 or 1 and he said he would get back to which he did at 2.30pm. He thought I was going to be out until 3 or 3.30pm and said that he was going to do all the food shopping then we could go out after he had done it and when I was back. I told him in the morning that I wanted to go for a swim in the afternoon. At first I did think that he would rather do the shopping than be with me so I was a little upset but he did spend it me but he did not know I was going to be back early in the day. Our eldest son says he had sent me a card and I told him it had not arrived. I knew he had forgotten to get me one and it has still not gone. I think it will arrive tomorrow so I am upset that he did not send it on time when my husband told him my birthday was coming in advance. He had been like this a lot over the years and sending one late or not at all. Also our daughter hadn’t sent me a card. She was abroad on my birthday on holiday and sent a text message to wish me all the best but she too must of forgotten to get me one and our youngest son put her name on his birthday card he got me and said it was off both of them. She usually buys me a card but I thought it was no excuse with her being on holiday because she too knew in advance it was my birthday coming up and could have sent one earlier to me. If it was not for my husband telling them it was my birthday I have a feeling they would have all forgotten. Can you imagine if my husband and me did not get them a card or gifts and we forget their birthdays. I think they would feel hurt and they only have one mum and dad. I know they are all busy with their lives but it hurts to think that a little card sent out for my birthday once a year is not much to ask.

Happy Birthday, Isobel! :) Do bear with CreativeNick (CN). She'll be back but, like me, she's super-busy just recently. When, not If. :) PS: Sounds like you're feeling horribly taken-for-granted and overlooked? How old are your kids? They sound like they must be in their early 20s?