Help again

This is Tenuo. I done a post on here a while back under Problems At Home. I cannot remember my password to log back in to the same post so thought I would do a new one and see if anyone can can reply to my post. So our son has been here since July this year. He is working part time in a coffee shop. Totally different from his full time job before working in an office. My husband and I have asked him how’s it going with the jobs and he had said when we last asked him about two weeks ago he is applying but it’s hard and the job he done before, different companies want more then he has done experience wise. I am worried he will be with us for good and don’t know how to approach it to say this is not changing in anyway since he has started living with us and what he will plan to do. I think he might have to get a full time job or two part time jobs to earn enough to start saving and getting a deposit on somewhere to live. My husband thinks I want him out in the street and of course I don’t not in a million years, but it’s causing me to argue with my husband about our son because I do not want this going on and on and him never moving out. I get it that he is 29 and life is hard and having to pay bills and buy food and try to survive and enjoy life too but everyone has to do it. If we had lots of money I would help him get a place and pay for it or say go and travel as much as you want to but we don’t have that kind of money. My husband says he just wants to make sure he is alright and I do too but I want to have our home back, ( by the way we only rent privately so it’s not ours but been here 6 years)that we have worked for and have our privacy again and be able to leave doors open and have sex without having to tip toe around. My husband gets worked up if I say I don’t want this going on all next year and I think our son will be here upto xmas and I think he is getting ti cosy living here now. He makes his own food and sometimes we will cook for him if he wants the same food as us but I do his washing still. He as not paid us any rent or offer to pay us anything and my husband said he will ask him in the next day to start giving us something with the bills going up a little. When I said to our son not long after he moved in that he would have to pay some money he got all upset. Now if he was renting somewhere himself he would be paying rent and the bills plus having to buy all his food etc. he doesn’t realise that he has been having it easy and I’m scared they if he got upset about paying us a little money then what will he be like thinking he will have to pay rent if he ever moves out somewhere. Our other two children have never come back to living here and just get on with it and they have bills etc. our oldest son has asked us for money sometimes when it’s got hard for him but he had never asked to come home. Our youngest gave up his flat and good job to go travelling for 4 months and says he was fed up with doing the same thing day in day out and working and paying bills. That’s when he asked to move back in with us and we said ok but we did say it’s not long solution and that he will still have to go out again and start all one day. Not everyone can give up there job dnd go travelling snd I told him this and that he was lucky. My husband and me have never done it it our other two kids. Our son at home is earning a little money plus he got a bit back from the tax office snd he as a little saved up. He is taking his girlfriend away for 4 days for her birthday next month and paid £300 to stay in an air BnB and paid to fly there. I am very angry about this yet he had offered not a penny to live here yet my husband still tip toes around him and worried we will upset him yet he goes and pay all this money to go away. My husband is scared that our son will walk out and wash his hands off us and that’s why he says we need to be careful what we say to him because our son gets upset easily and takes offence easily. This is what causing me stress and I never wanted our son and my husband didnt want him here in the first place and I wanted to say in the beginning I don’t want you here. I raised you and you left home and I’ve done my bit now I want my life with your dad without kids here. That’s not to much to think is it? Yet we said ok come here like good parents we are and now I get angry with my husband cis I do not want this carrying on any longer.

OK, is your objective here to make him leave or to make him pay his way? You raise both possibilities at different points in the post. If you want him to pay rent, then that's easier to figure out if you know market rents in your area. You set it so he'd be worse off if he was paying market rent, then he's got no choice. If you want him to move out, then things get more complicated, because if he's working part time in a coffee shop, then it's likely he wouldn't be able to afford anywhere at market rent. So he'd either have to apply for some kind of benefits to supplement his low pay, or find a better paid job, or put himself on a potentially long waiting list for council accommodation. That depends on a lot of factors outside your control, which makes the outcome less predictable.

You need to put your foot down & make sure your son pays his share of some rent. That way you can be assured that he's safe with you guys at home but paying his way. Life's always been hard but those who grab it by the knackers, just get on with it without letting it get to them. A 29 year old is a responsible adult by far & it's about time he acted like one but if he's a still a bit slow, then you need take control of the situation & set him straight. While you're at it, do the same with your husband as well because while it's your son's actions, it's your husband's inaction which is causing all the stress.

We want him to move out and he has got a little money saved up for a deposit and he gets benefits because he is only working part time. He is looking all over for a job and he was renting privately before so he will be doing this, but house sharing with others so it’s cheaper. I know he would get nothing of the council whatsoever. I’ve told my husband he needs to tell him about paying us some money yet he has still put it off. I think I’m a little past caring now because it’s been like this for four months and I can’t see it changing any sooner. I feel like telling our son to just unpack all his stuff and never move out it would be me being sarcastic as if to say you have been here long enough so stay put your never going to leave

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Hi Lanza, I'm a bit pressed for time, but I wanted to respond and give my perspective on your issue. So first and foremost, I think you have a right to ask your son to pay something, anything, to help pay towards his share of electricity, food, water, etc. You also could ask him to at least help out with his own laundry and such. I can understand there would be financial strains there, and that you don't want to be doing everybody's laundry yet. What I think would be the best course of action is to find a peaceful moment where you can sit down together, maybe in the living room, and just have a civil discussion about things. You have to hear each other out, and make sure you both have an understanding on what the plan is and what he's working towards. Obviously you don't want him staying there to drag on forever. I can provide my own perspective on this issue because I had to move back in with my parents, multiple times, since things fell apart at my old job in my old city about 6 years ago. It was humiliating and it was something I didn't want to do. I was perfectly happy in my old studio apartment, in my old city, but I was having a lot of difficulty succeeding and paying bills once I lost that job. The new job I'd gotten didn't give me enough hours, and my family had convinced me to turn down another job, which I'm still sort of kicking myself over. My family is somewhat controlling, and they have this thing where they don't treat me like a thirty-something adult. My mother is also a germophobe, so when I moved back home they immediately started cleaning and washing my things, despite my assurance that my stuff wasn't "dirty" and I could wipe it all down myself. My sister, who was living with my parents at the time, even went to the trouble of giving me her old room to sleep in and making it look really nice in there. It was generous, and I appreciated having somewhere to go. But once again, they didn't really see or hear me. Because they lived their entire lives in the same small town, they couldn't completely wrap their heads around why I liked the small city I used to live in, or believe that I actually did. It is good that you know your son is capable of so much more, and that he could make it somewhere bigger and more industrialized. I'm not going to drone on and on about it, but there are lots of reasons why it's so hard for Millennials and Gen Z to succeed and find affordable housing in a good area these days. Even if they do, that doesn't mean they won't have neighbors from Hell, or get crushed by expensive rate increases. I never wanted to move back home. Fortunately for the past few years I've had my own place again. It got better once my girlfriend moved in with me. I guess. I'm still not living in a place I really like, and I don't feel all that successful or happy. But at least I have my own place to come home to. Maybe your son wants to go, but isn't realistically sure how to make that happen. Are there good job opportunities near you? Are there affordable housing options in good areas? There is a lot to consider. Hopefully, he is at least able to save up a little bit for his eventual move.

My husband gets all worked up if I say about our son and about him moving out. He said he agrees with me but I keep repeating it over s d over to him. He said he’s our son and I’m treating him like he’s a nobody who we don’t know. I do get myself worked up about our son and I think it’s just that I’m set in my ways and do used to just me and my husband and relaxing but with our son here it’s not really relaxing how it should be and having to shut doors all the time and not being able to make to much noise when we want too. It is no fun. It has been 4 months already and I’m expecting him to be here well until after Xmas because I can’t see nothing changing. We have been good enough to take him back in when he gave up his fist he was renting privately and his job just so he could go travelling. Not many other parents would allow their kids back once they leave home. We could have said no we don’t want you here and we want our life how it is and we are getting older but we didn’t.

"it’s not really relaxing how it should be and having to shut doors all the time and not being able to make to much noise when we want too. It is no fun." That's what a lot of people who rent and live in apartments have to put up with. Your son will eventually have to go back to something potentially like that, when he does move out. And I get it, you probably live in a nicer home or apartment where that typically wouldn't be daily life for you. Did you ever get to sit down and have that civil discussion with your son? This late in the year I'd assume that yeah, he probably will be there through the Holidays. But who knows. Maybe he'll go travelling somewhere again and be gone for a few days, and give you and your husband some much-needed alone time for a while. (I'm partially kidding.) It's a little off-topic, but I will say that I can relate to wanting to have my life the way I want it, but feeling like outside forces are constantly threatening that. But you know, I guess a part of life is encountering problems and figuring out how to resolve them. In my case, I have tried to leave my home state again on a few occasions, but there is always something that doesn't work out. I don't think, or at least I don't hope, that I'll have to live out the rest of my life right here, because I don't think that's what I want. But I maybe accept that there is some bigger reason why I am here right now. I have unfinished business here. For now, maybe try to enjoy having your son around a little. Truth is, there will come a day where he will be gone and you won't get to see him as much, and in a weird and cruel way you will miss having him around sometimes. But I would seriously work on having a discussion with him about his plans, and get a better idea of what the gameplan is going forward. Make it known that you do want your personal space back, and don't want to host him there for too long. And honestly, 4 months isn't that long of a time. Maybe with the new year there will be new opportunities for him.

"He said he’s our son and I’m treating him like he’s a nobody who we don’t know." Yeah, that IS how you come across. But I think you were just agitated when you wrote that...ready to scream. While you're constantly nagging and pressuring him, you're eroding the very confidence he needs to develop or re-grow TO move out (despite he'd pay for the privacy and independence with living a less salubrious house) - meaning, you're self-sabotaging. Bank Notes aren't the only fruit anyway. Give him a fair and reasonable chores list, like you would were the three of you housemates. Make them 'male acceptable' (mowing the lawn, blowering the leaves, cooking supper twice-weekly, jet-washing the patio, washing the cars, that sort of thing) - ESPECIALLY those kinds of things you'd normally pay a tradesman to do. If he were SAVING you from spending that money then that would be the same as if he were paying you rent. Yes? Only, he probably won't even have that occur to him. He's just pulling his practical weight like ALL people sharing anodes have to regularly do and thereby still staying for-free. Is that do-able (if you're still there/reading)? PS: You sound like you desperately need a weekend break by yourself btw...somewhere close to nature where you can take lovely walks and/or look at lovely views (seaside B&B?). PPS: Also. HAVE sex. Loudly enough you don't need the door open. (Cringe-cringe, I've gotta get out of here a.s.a.p, this is torture, aaaargh!") It's called, Boxing Clever so that leaving is all HIS idea. You ever read the all-time best-seller, 'Raising Boys', by Steve Biddulph? I reckon that'd be a real eye-opener for you. You could read it on your break (win/win/win!). 99p, please?...or wash everyone's monitors? ;)