The balancing act

I've decided I'm going to begin a new thread here as I chronicle my latest problems, concerns, thoughts and victories. The timing seems right for a couple of reasons, even though it leaves my last thread fading off into oblivion... I guess the main reason is that I feel like I've reached some new chapter or threshold in my recent situations. At least, it feels a bit that way. I also think my last thread is becoming a little long-winded and hard-to-follow, so I'll reference it here, and continue: https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13862/seeking-general-life-feedback So I made that original post on February 13th of this year. It followed a period of pretty intense changes in my life, from where I was at in early 2020. So much has happened over these years, and this past (nearly) year has layered on top of that. ...This might have been the worst year of my life, and in some ways also, the best year of my life. Just in different ways. If that makes any damn sense. If you're feeling adventurous, and don't mind a bit of cringe, then I'm also going to link the posts I've made and replied to under my previous username here: https://www.peoplesproblems.org/topiclist/alias/altreal I haven't sat and read all of my old ramblings, but did check out two of the threads I'd made back then. One pertained to an older girl from work I was trying to date who had kids, and she ghosted me hard. I also at least partially blame her for an increase in my drinking problems, as she was quite an alcoholic. (Whether or not she would admit that.) One of the comments someone mentioned about her and the kids' dad always having a connection was spot-on, as she ended up getting back with the dad and they moved elsewhere at some point. Another of the threads detailed my disappointing encounter with someone from an adult dating app, where I walked away hating myself. A lot has changed since circa 2019. In so many ways those now seem like simpler times. It's sad that the best I could really do was live in a studio apartment, single, without much attention from women, and work at a retail job where I felt like upper-management's job was to crush my spirit. But I greatly miss the location, the people, the security and lack of concern I had about the world then. It's sad that those "good old days" weren't even really all that good, and I was depressed as you please for so much of the 2010's. But I would almost take that over whatever in the hell you call this now. The 2020's have been this time of awakening and, dare I say it, "Wokeness" for me. As a straight, white male, it has been scary as hell for me. I feel really bad if this is how black people had been feeling almost all of the time prior to 2020. I have managed to stumble into jobs that pay decent and even found a girlfriend who I've been living with in recent years. We live in what I would say is the best house I've ever lived in throughout my entire lifetime. ...I'm still not happy. Who in the hell can be happy at a time like this? I've been on edge since 2022, easily. And that got magnified tenfold in late 2024. Now I am a nervous wreck of a person, and trying to go about my day while my country burns to cinders and everyone acts like nothing is happening. To be fair I have been struggling with jobs ever since I lost the one I had back in 2019. For some reason everybody is suddenly horrible and two-faced, and my attempts to keep to myself and just do my job are met with roadblocks by people who just kind of wish I didn't exist. I hate to say it, but that big retail job was actually pretty great. Even though they completely shunned me and blacklisted me from rehire. Everywhere I go, I feel the hate. And only share the bare minimum. My parents and my older sister have been brainwashed for well over a decade now. I don't know what to do or say to them anymore. They're either going to realize on their own how very wrong they are, or are going to die in ignorance with everything they're believing. I think they've never really cared as much about the individual or diversity as me, anyway. But I'm locked in a stalemate because the unfortunate reality is that my family are the only people who've consistently been there for me and helped me. My friends still have me stunned by their ignorance and indifference, and I'm still struggling to decide whether we're still friends almost one year later. I've decided that we are, we must be, though I am having a really hard time understanding how they reached the conclusions they've reached. I think the fact that I haven't had any real face-to-face time with my best friends in several years could be a contributing factor, and all we ever fall back on is pop-culture. I guess what I've realized is that they've estimated a lot of things wrong due to their upbringings in primarily Liberal cities, and don't really understand everything that's going on because they're misinformed and manipulated. That happens when you have it good, and aren't vigilant. I still long to get out of the state I'm in, and to go someplace better. But my attempts to return to my old city have been futile so far, and my big gamble to move across the country ended in horror. As much as I don't want to be in the place where I am right now, I feel like there must be some reason why I'm here, some significance. It is a swing-state in the elections, so maybe that is the reason? Anyway, I don't really know where I would go if I could go somewhere now. It just feels like everything is f@#%ed. I'm concerned that certain people in my government will soon be in possession of technology that lets them track everyone's phones on social media. They will look for people like me, who don't agree with them or adhere to what they are doing, and track us down to snuff us out. I don't know where to go or what to do, and I am thankful for Peoples' Problems and the brave social media sites (Not X or Meta anything) that exist for me to talk with likeminded folks on. I feel like they want to lock me up so they can torture me, or murder me on the spot. And maybe hopefully it's the latter. They just can't stand me. I've come to realize that over the past 6 years. I think the real American dream is alive and well in a good portion of us, but we just feel powerless to do anything. Because I am not a tall or imposing white male, I am an easy target for a lot of guys. They want to harm me. I don't know how to help anyone else, let alone myself and my loved ones. I feel like a failure and like I can't hold any job anymore, when in reality I think there are just a lot of shitty people being kept by their employers because they've been there for over a decade. They feel like they're "in", and don't have to try anymore, and the bosses don't root out people who don't do what they say and just let issues fester for years on end. So the shitty people keep doing the bare-minimum and down-talk anyone or anything that they perceive as being a threat to their little ruse. To this day I realize I am not a perfect person, and that I have my own issues. I can take accountability for that, like any good person should be able to. So my latest issue is that my problems at work are becoming ridiculous, in under 1 year of employment. 2 coworkers are rude and like to argue, another one is nosey and creepy. I think all of them feel threatened right now and are looking for ways to get me to leave. I really don't know anymore. I should be happier than ever with my living arrangement. ...But I'm not. ...

Morning update time: So already I have a bit more to add to my initial post. I'll back up a bit by explaining that the past week at my job hasn't been going as well. I'm not on the best terms with my coworkers, and it's mostly because I want to keep to myself and do the job as we're expected to do it. For some reason there is this assumption a lot of people here have that being more sociable or getting things done quicker means you're a better worker. I beg to differ. Needless to say, it's caused some friction since I received compliments from our superiors for my performance, and called out one of my coworkers for lying. All the while one of my coworkers has been a little bothersome and constantly shows up in my work area, when I am perfectly fine and capable of handling my own duties on my own. He has been cordial, but it seems a little fake, and I'm suspecting that there may be some other motives like keeping an eye on me, critiquing how I do things on the job, and just plain irritating me because it's sort of obvious I like to work alone. But I digress. I will say, that coworker did stop over and help me out last night with a job that would have been more tiresome and time-consuming on my own. I guess it's hard to tell which bothers me more anymore - people who treat you like an idiot and try to make you look like an unwelcomed fool, or people who just don't give you personal space. ...Anyway, so things have been a little rocky at my job the last couple of days. It's going alright, but the tone of things has gotten a little less pleasant over the past half a year since I started there. And like clockwork, this morning my girlfriend revealed that she quit her one job. And she is already looking at other jobs to possibly replace her other one. This all comes at a really bad time. I don't feel like things are reliable enough with her. And all of this happens after she got a lot of the things she begged me to do. But I don't really feel like I've gotten what I've wanted. If it were my call, and I wasn't with her, then I probably wouldn't stay here. Or, at least, I would want to start looking for an escape plan because I doubt I would have the means or a way to just up and go elsewhere. When we met a few years ago, I was desperately looking for a way to get back to my old city and state where I lived for a decade, or at least somewhere else like that. I always thought if I could find a girlfriend or a roommate, that it would also help with me being able to afford living in a nicer place there. Nowadays it might be what's needed just to live somewhere crappy there. Somehow, it's like I can't have both things. It's always some double-edged sword for me in relationships and life. Ultimately, I suspect things will smooth over at her job and she'll continue working there - at least for now. But who knows? I sort of doubt she will pick up more time at that job to replace the hours she lost at the one she quit, especially when she is complaining about how things are going at that job. She always talks about how she wants to get this fabled sit-down job that is less physical, but to me what she is doing right now at her current job doesn't seem all that physical. The place she just quit was the chain I worked for before, and I think it was about ideal for moving around without being too fast-paced or strenuous. I get that she doesn't want to work with the public so much, or at least face-to-face, but my experiences have shown me that nothing is perfect and you will usually encounter a jerk - usually in the form of coworkers or bosses. I did see that attractive woman working at the convenience store again last night, the one I'd mentioned in my previous thread. Admittedly, it kind of makes me wonder if the Universe is trying to give me a sign. Idk. It is just getting to be too much to deal with with my girlfriend. And once again, it seems like everything bad starts happening around this time of year, in the Autumn. I'll see how things go the next couple of days with everything in my world.

Since that post, my girlfriend has said that she didn't quit her job, and that I apparently misunderstood what she was saying. It's still a little confusing to me, since it seemed to be exactly what she was saying. But I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt since she was also talking about the possibilities of taking that other job and it's possible I did misunderstand something. She also apparently did go to work at that job the other day, so there's that. I didn't actually go to her job to see if she was there or anything of that sort, but I'm trusting that she is being honest. I guess the last few days have been alright. I am, once again, having my usual thoughts about how the workweek will unfold, but I'd say my mindset is a little better so far since yesterday. It would be nice to not feel so worried about current events again, but that's not going anywhere.

Heya! Roger that! Still got guests but they leave Sunday, after which the week is mine. Bear with me a little longer.

Hey Soulmate. It's fine, I understand you've been busy. Things have been hectic. I actually can't believe it's been half a week or better since you posted that, and over a week since my last post. I'm also not meaning to dump on you and you alone. Most of the time other users just don't seem to want to stop in here and offer their thoughts. The forum has been going through a bit of a slow period, too. Yesterday I also got angry at my father. He said something that made me kind of mad, and it was just disrespectful. Usually when we talk, we try to avoid politics. ...It still manages to creep in from time to time. It's honestly going to get kind of unavoidable as time goes on I'm sure, but I try to avoid touchy stuff as much as I can. (I couldn't really help myself the one day when my mother was saying the price of beef skyrocketed due to some illness effecting cows. An illness there has been zero news about. What there has been, however, has been tariffs. I got a little smart that day, and also played dumb.) But my father crossed the line a bit and I just wasn't having it yesterday. It's enough that people in power are making up lies about certain groups of people, and trying to alienate them. It's another entirely that my family thinks it's some funny joke. Up until recently, I've been playing my video games in my free time month after month since the election and just trying to relax and enjoy life a little, and get my mind off of reality. But we're starting to reach this point where I'm not so sure I should continue spending my time and money on these games, and instead should try to utilize my time to be more constructive. But I have no idea if I can do that, or even what I should do for sure. I have people pressuring me on the social media app I use to "be more involved or get out of the way", in a way. I bought a couple of books, and I would like to sit down and read those sometime soon. One is newer, the other is from over a decade ago. I think both discuss subjects that will be key for me to research in order to effectively reason with and communicate with the "brainwashed." Something I'm coming to realize is that different kinds of people respond to different styles of communication. To you and I, empathy and compassion might come fairly easily. To a large segment of this world, it's going to take something else. You can't reason compassion or empathy with someone who doesn't care about anyone outside of their world, so you need to look for things they do respond to, and frame your messages differently. The books I got will hopefully help give me some direction with this technique. Or at least give me a better understanding. Tonight, as fortune would have it, my girlfriend and I seem to be doing okay. Lately I've spent many mornings waking up to arguments and nights going to sleep after arguments. Despite my best efforts, we even got into an argument on her birthday. There is some possibility that health issues or menopause or something could be involved on her part. Honestly, it felt like a relief to hear that from her, because that could explain some things. Idk. It is very hard for me to get along with her much of the time. I'm not sure what else to say about that at this point. I'm still glad to have her in my life. If we broke up, I would probably be looking for a way to leave the country again or something. I'll end this here for now.

Just bumping you up... :)

Hey Balance, I unfortunately don’t really have/had the time to read through your other thread, so I’ll take the chance to leave my thoughts here on this bit. Even though I don’t know your whole story, I hope that’s okay. I honestly can’t give much advice on everything you wrote, because I’m in a somewhat similar place myself when it comes to how I see the world and politics. That’s why I can really relate to your recent posts. I feel very much the same. Over the past years I’ve been trying to stay politically aware and engaged, even though it can be exhausting at times. I’m not part of any organization or party, but I still try to have conversations with people who hold narrow or extreme views, and I go to demonstrations whenever I can for causes that matter to me and the world. It’s not always easy, but I want to stay connected and keep doing something, even if it’s just in small ways. Here too, things have become more polarized, and hate and misinformation are spreading fast. I feel like the large anti-COVID-movement a few years ago played a big part in that. During those protests, people started realizing how easily false information could spread and how effective it was at manipulating others. Since then, it feels like this whole machinery of fake news has really taken off, and now it’s everywhere. Lately our conservative party, the CDU, has started repeating the same rhetoric as the far-right AfD, so we’re drifting even further into far-right crap. Like almost the whole world.. So, it feels like the world has been spinning out of control since around 2019. What used to be satire has become reality, and sometimes it’s hard to believe how normalized certain things have become. I also find it harder and harder to talk to my dad about politics. The more divided things get, the less room there seems to be for empathy or real discussion. When people justify violence or suffering because they see others as “the enemy,” it’s deeply disheartening. Especially when it comes from your father, whom I usually consider to be educated. I also escape into video games or books a lot. There are probably better ways to spend time, but without a bit of distance from reality, it can be hard to cope with everything that’s going on. What are the titles of the books you got? They sound really interesting. I can’t really judge how far fascism has already spread in the US, since the media here doesn’t report that much about it. I’ve read about some of the protests and about the military being used against civilians, which already sounds terrifying. If you truly fear being tracked or targeted for your political opinions in the near future, I hope you have a plan or at least people around you who can support you. It must be frightening to live with that kind of uncertainty. No one should have to. What you wrote here about work “when in reality I think there are just a lot of shitty people being kept by their employers because they've been there for over a decade….” That's exactly what I experience in my own workplace too. There are always those people who’ve been around forever and can get away with anything, but also the ones who seem fine at first, then start slacking off over time yet still get carried along even though they’re doing a terrible job. And the moment you actually address it directly, you’re instantly on their bad side and get stabbed in the back, either by being given even more work or suddenly there are rumors going around just to make you look bad or worst case you lose your job. I’ve learned to stay out of all of it by now, but I’m always happy to listen when someone needs to vent. It’s sometimes a pretty good early warning system for whatever new crap might be coming my way :D That really sounds annoying with that coworker you mentioned. I totally get what you mean when someone keeps hanging around even though you’re perfectly fine working on your own. Can’t you just tell him that you’d prefer to handle it yourself? Or is it one of those situations where you can’t really say no to “help” because he’s technically above you? I would’ve just said something like, “Oh, that’s really nice of you to offer, but I’ve got it covered :)” I hate it too when people insist on helping without being asked. Especially when it’s someone I’m “cool” with, but you can kind of sense that things could easily go sideways. Since it turned out to be a misunderstanding with the job quitting thing from your GF, I really hope things have settled down again at least a bit. But yeah, you’re absolutely right “I get that she doesn’t want to work with the public so much, or at least face-to-face, but my experiences have shown me that nothing is perfect and you will usually encounter a jerk – usually in the form of coworkers or bosses.” That’s exactly it. For me, what really helps is knowing I’ve got a few coworkers I can trust to have my back. It took me a few years to be sure of that though, so I get how hard it can be when you’re still new somewhere. I’ll leave this here for now. (Sorry if this reply comes across a bit messy or all over the place, I’m a bit sick and had a really stressful day at work, my brain just isn’t working properly anymore today :D)

Greetings Creative, I appreciate the response. There's no worries, I'm not expecting people to stop by and try to catch up on pages and pages of text. Honestly, just popping in to try your best to evaluate the situation and give feedback is what I often do. I know some topics on here have been ongoing for around a decade, and I guess that's also why I decided to gather my thoughts and try my hand at another thread. It gets to be too much to expect of people to play catch-up. (I also realize it seems counter to that thinking to include posts under my original username on here, but I felt I was ready to reveal that since, who knows, maybe someone will have a look at some of my older and more recent posts and reach some sort of discovery for me.) Your news about Germany is disturbing to hear, but I want to know about it. I remember Musk had appeared over webcam at some event for AfD many months ago, and essentially told the people present not to feel guilt over the sins of their fathers, or whatever. (I guess this was back in January.) It's a shame the reaction of your CDU was to decide to go that same direction, rather than realize it's immoral and move in the other direction. If the wealthiest person in the world is pumping money into your elections, too, then I would be concerned. Is there still a very strong political resistance to the Far-Right going on there? I think you're right about 2019. Everything just kind of fell apart for me that year, though I guess it would be accurate to say those cracks were forming and building up over time. 2019 was still mostly a good year for me, but it trended towards the dark. There have been countless times I thought I'd give anything even to go back to 2019 on a bad day. Of course I wish I could go back much farther. It's funny to me how, the moment the 2010's took their bow, everything changed. So far I haven't reached out to my family again since our last talk went South. This sort of thing has happened before. But it used to be pretty normal for me to go a while without talking to them, so they might even just figure I'm busy if I don't call for a while. I'd gotten in the habit of calling them on the way to work, which isn't always a smart idea, but has generally helped to humanize them some to me and remind me of why I ever liked them to begin with. The main book I was referring to is "The Righteous Mind", by Jonathan Haidt. I have to sit down and start reading it sometime, and I'm actually probably going to start with that one even though I bought the other first, since I think the subject matter could be very useful right now. The other book is "Separation of Church and Hate", by John Fugelsang. I'd been looking forward to reading that for a while now, but still haven't picked it up, either. I am planning on reading it after the other book, because while it similarly helps you to use the teachings of Christ and the Bible against fake Christians, I think the other book would give me a better basis in general for approaching how I talk and communicate with different kinds of people. I don't have a really good plan at this time. I guess I keep wondering if we'll reach this point where other countries accept US asylum seekers in droves. I think there is a lot riding on our mid-term elections next year. At this point, I'm not even sure if they'll accept the results if they lose. I mean, we had Jan 6th once already. I'm also wondering if it will be possible for Americans to still leave for a while. But ultimately, I'd like to think things haven't quite reached that point. The biggest news as of late is that Trump has been demolishing part of the White House, even though he lied before and said he would not, to build a big, gaudy ball room in it. Actually at work, I recently had some job detail changes. I am still pretty new there, so I'm just trying to figure out my routine. Some of the others have offered advice, and I've listened to it and I'm trying to keep it in mind. The problem is, they still keep pulling me aside while I'm working to make sure I understand stuff, and I need all the time I can get because I'm not as fast as them. It puts me behind a bit more. The coworker who keeps hanging around still seems to bother me the most out of everyone, even though the others can be more directly rude. (At any given time I guess the order of bothering for all of them could change, though.) It's usually pretty obvious that I am good and don't need or want him around, but I try to keep things cordial and not just be a rude jerk to him. Every once in a while he seems trustworthy... Until he doesn't. He isn't my superior or boss in any way, he's just been with the company a long time. I get this vibe like he is trying to look for things I missed, or trying to watch me so he can find things to report back to the boss with to get me into trouble. But I don't honestly know for sure. I also think I could be sensing the effects of him being raised really religiously, and being put off by my presence, because I've gotten similar vibes from some angry Christians and Catholics before. But, I'm not going to try to unpack any of that right now. On the situation with my girlfriend and her job, from what I know she is still at both of her jobs. She has been complaining about coworkers being mean to her at the other job a lot the last couple of days, and it makes me feel bad. I want to see her get on well at work, and I feel like my girlfriend is someone who a lot of people would try to take advantage of and boss around. At the same time, I keep trying to remind her to avoid calling in late, because that just gives coworkers more reasons to think lowly of her and hold it against her. I guess the good news is, it sounds like her problem is mostly with one or two people, and she seems to get along mostly okay with everybody else there. And even better is that other people are witnessing what's going on, so her work-nemesis might be building a case against herself, lol. But Idk. She talks to me about all of these problems at work, and I tell her I can relate and that I have similar problems, but I have no idea how to really help her overcome the issue. I think there were certain cities in certain states where we could have moved to instead of here, and maybe lived around a generally friendlier demographic of people than the average kind of person around here. But even that isn't a sure thing, and like I said, jerks can be anywhere. Your reply was just perfecto, no problems here. I appreciate you coming around the shop and doing business. It's also nice to talk to new people. I will say that the one buddy of mine is or was a fan of Twenty-One Pilots. He hasn't brought them up in a while, but he also mostly listens to rap music. He used to talk about Vessel and the second album, and showed us that Jumpsuit video whenever the third one was coming out. I think what initially appealed to him was how the two guys got along and behaved kind of like him and a lot of his other bro-y guy friends, lol. But yeah, I have no idea if he's ever been to a concert of theirs', or met them or anything.

Hiya! Same message to you and CreativeNick... Got vvvvery sluggish internet at the mo., which my contractor said is area-wide, due to an influx of northern European tourists to Spain, in combo with heavy air pressure. Me, I wouldn't know, but - see what I mean?... I decide to post all week and - BAM! - another bloody problem. (AND the water pressure keeps lowering.) Trouble is, I don't know whether it's like blokie says or whether I'm low on both Wi-Fi allowance AND mobile data allowance (even my Hotspot's slow and timing-out or refusing to download photos). So, until I can find out how to know how many days-worth of data I've got left until the 31st - what with my pal coming to stay mid next week, and my having to be in-comms with her the night before plus on the day of collecting her from the airport, I just *daren't* use up what might be the last 'juice' and send her into a panic-attack (she's been suffering financial hardship and anxiety this last year...think I've said?). Please bear with again. Another contractor's coming tomorrow who's techie-brained so I'm going to ask him. If it's not me, if it's just shite connection for everyone around here, lately, then, I'll be able to respond to your posts tomorrow, without worrying. (See what I pigging mean, though?! This place is .......kkkkkk, don't get me started... Just - AAAARGH!!!) Laters, PostieGaters

It's fine, Soul. I've got to talk a little bit more tonight, anyway. Well today didn't go good. I don't know what to say. First half of the worknight wasn't awful, but somehow I was still behind. I got caught up with a few things, namely one of the other workers (not my coworker, though) had to go over a few special instructions for me. And I had to empty a cart of cardboard that wouldn't be around on a typical night, so that was a few minutes out of my flow. I did a few things out of order, but only because Fridays are a bit different and I can get into a few things earlier than I typically would any other night. Before lunch I was still feeling good about things, albeit, I knew I would have to hurry to make up for lost time after I came back. When I got back, I had to make a trip out of the way to get something from the laundry room downstairs. It was some things I washed up and threw in the dryer the day before, but had forgotten about until that point, and it was still there. Then I had to mop this small room, that I had taken a bunch of chairs out of in order to mop it properly. While it dried, I dust mopped the main room. I finished up that area and got trash, and filled up the trash bag I had in my garbage can, so I took that full bag out and started a fresh one. ...Then I remembered, even though I'd gotten the main trashcans, I had completely forgotten about the barrels full of scrap metal shavings. So I went around and got those in my fresh trash bag. And it wasn't a crazy amount, but there was a good little pile in the bottom of the bag. Jumping ahead a bit, but that bag eventually became chocked-full of garbage, and I had to switch to a new one. And then I was concerned about the bottom of the bag ripping out from the metal shavings coupled with all of the weight on top. I had some trash spill over in the hallway when the bag got full. Earlier the worker had given me those special instructions. So, I had to address a few things in this one room that I hadn't the previous day. Basically it amounted to wiping/dusting things off in these smaller rooms off of another room. I think he also mentioned wanting those rooms mopped. The day before I had dust mopped the main room really well, and I intended to do the same exact thing today, along with these additional things. But while I was working on that room, my coworker had taken it upon himself to start running the floor scrubber on my hallways. Mind you, this was at most maybe an hour after lunch. I was seriously not expecting him to get into something like that so early, and I also felt like crap because I wasn't very far along. To make matters worse, I think I heard him running me down in the hallway while I was in the room. The pressure of that moment got to me, and I fell apart a bit. I sent a couple of texts to my boss, and clearly I was upset about how things were going. I told him I don't feel like I'm good at the job, and that maybe you really do have to skip a bunch of things in your rooms in order to just get done each night. I also hinted at feeling as though people outside of my coworkers are also saying things that are down on me. It's really started getting to me, and I really don't know if I am doing good enough anymore. I feel like I have to skip processes I would usually do, in just about every room, in order to stay on target and get things done on time. The rest of the night I didn't check my phone much, and I tried my best to just power through the rest of my work area. I still had maybe 25% of my work left yet, when my coworkers came along and just started doing a bunch of my stuff. I didn't want them to. But by that point it was starting to get a little late, and they must have been pretty much done with their tasks. It was helpful, but at the same time they started moving my supplies and rushing the absolute shit out of me while I was trying to proceed. I still got done early. I wonder if I would have gotten done on time without their help. Maybe. At the same time, we had additional tasks tonight that we wouldn't have on a typical night, and there was no way I was going to be able to get my own tasks done in time to go and help them with those things. I had enough time, after they helped me, to go take care of the stairwell. Normally that wouldn't be our task today, but our 1st-shift coworker did mention he couldn't get around to cleaning them earlier in the day. I don't feel appreciated or respected at this job. I like the job, and I want to make it work. But everyone constantly makes me feel like I need to rush around and skip things. I will probably continue to endure their talking down to me and whatnot as long as I'm there. This night has been a sh*tshow.

Just a very quickie (seems that's all my hotspot can cope with rn...oh, and, fyi, I have to actually phone 02 to find out how much data I've left...sigh)... " jerks can be anywhere." Yeah, but you're forgetting that when that's the case (cos this isn't the first time Narcs have begun getting the upper hand) (never get to keep it, though), the good guys tend to gravitate towards one another and group up - on here as a prime example, but also in real life...certain bars/pubs/clubs. It's about looking into what's available in your locale for said 'good eggs'. You could even try the local book clubs (they tend to be less about books and more about meeting nice people...an excuse most of the time). Or even activist groups, like CN mentioned. Looks like you've gotta do the pub/bar crawls I suggested. (CN: Then you should try to be ill more often cos that post was incredibly articulate, comprehensive and flowed like silk! :) You're really good at this. (toldja, haha).)

What I mean, Bal, is - if you have a good support and friendship network outside of work, whereby you feel like you belong to a 'safe' posse, your work aholes will cease to get you down half as much (fact). Same for girlfriend.

Hey Soul, I've never gotten around to trying to do anything of that nature, and I don't foresee being able to. My girlfriend gets mad even if I play games intentionally with other women. She gets angry whenever I post on forums like this one, even. While I was trying to finish that post last night, we got into a pretty bad fight. It ruined last night and much of today. So I had a pretty bad night at work. I really didn't want to talk about it with her last night, and I just wanted to be left alone. On the way home I said that. But after hearing me typing for 30-60 minutes, she got angry and ran back to ask me who I was talking to, and ask why I can't talk about it with her but have to discuss it with total strangers. She doesn't really get it. I don't think she's used message boards at all in her lifetime, she doesn't get the appeal of going to forums like this one or the others I visit. She automatically thinks my number 1 goal is to go meet other women on here. And I mean, I can't say I don't blame her for being cautious. But she is unreasonable about it. I wish I did have a better support network sometimes. The reality is, sometimes I do feel kind of stuck and trapped, like I have limited control over everything in my life. I'm already worried about my job, she's worried about her job, and I'm worried about our relationship. Honestly, we're in so deep with bills and loans, I really don't know what my options are if I lose any of the above.

Hey there, “Your news about Germany is disturbing to hear, but I want to know about it. I remember Musk had appeared over webcam at some event for AfD many months ago, and essentially told the people present not to feel guilt over the sins of their fathers, or whatever. (I guess this was back in January.)” Yeah, he also said that the Hitler was a leftist, I think, or he agreed with Alice Weidel on that. It was a pretty wild thing back then. Since then, so much has happened within or around the AfD that I almost can’t tell anymore whether some things happened this year or last year because it’s just so much. They also keep discussing the idea of banning the AfD, but it keeps getting delayed or blocked. Our domestic intelligence agency is already monitoring parts of the AfD, and some of their members can officially, by court ruling, be called fascists. “It's a shame the reaction of your CDU was to decide to go that same direction, rather than realize it's immoral and move in the other direction.” It’s not the entire CDU; parts of the party even openly want to drop the so-called “firewall” and govern together with the AfD. However, that has been sharply condemned by all other parties, as well as by the majority of the CDU itself. Our chancellor also keeps saying that he doesn’t want to make any governing decisions together with the AfD, but he has already done exactly that on a smaller scale in the past by pushing through certain agenda items with the help of AfD votes. The man himself has been under constant criticism, both before taking office and especially afterward, because of his statements. So when I said that the CDU is adopting AfD rhetoric, I mainly meant our chancellor, who belongs to the CDU. This article sums up everything that’s been happening lately quite well. The thing about the “Stadtbild” (=cityscape) statement is the most recent example: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2025/oct/21/friedrich-merz-accused-of-using-dangerous-rhetoric-on-immigration “If the wealthiest person in the world is pumping money into your elections, too, then I would be concerned. Is there still a very strong political resistance to the Far-Right going on there?” I hope he stays out of it and instead launches a few more unnecessary things into space…himself, for example… I don’t know if I’d call that strong resistance. But yes, there are the other parties in the Bundestag (SPD, the Greens and The Left) that are still holding out against it the most. There’s also a lot of pushback from the public, but that might just seem that way to me because I’m in that bubble. “I think you're right about 2019. Everything just kind of fell apart for me that year, though I guess it would be accurate to say those cracks were forming and building up over time. 2019 was still mostly a good year for me, but it trended towards the dark. There have been countless times I thought I'd give anything even to go back to 2019 on a bad day. Of course I wish I could go back much farther. It's funny to me how, the moment the 2010's took their bow, everything changed.” I feel that. 2019 wasn’t really a bad year for me either, but toward the end it kind of already had this foreshadowing that things were about to get really shitty starting in 2020. I’ve often wished I could go back to that time too. It’s not like things were any different back then when it comes to my problems, but somehow Life still felt easier. “So far I haven't reached out to my family again since our last talk went South. This sort of thing has happened before. But it used to be pretty normal for me to go a while without talking to them, so they might even just figure I'm busy if I don't call for a while. I'd gotten in the habit of calling them on the way to work, which isn't always a smart idea, but has generally helped to humanize them some to me and remind me of why I ever liked them to begin with.” I see, so you really only still have something to do with them because they give you support when things get really shitty? “The main book I was referring to is "The Righteous Mind", by Jonathan Haidt. I have to sit down and start reading it sometime, and I'm actually probably going to start with that one even though I bought the other first, since I think the subject matter could be very useful right now.” I looked it up, sounds really interesting. I wasn’t really aware that there are different languages of morality, but it makes total sense. I think I’ll give it a read too :) “The other book is "Separation of Church and Hate", by John Fugelsang. I'd been looking forward to reading that for a while now, but still haven't picked it up, either. I am planning on reading it after the other book, because while it similarly helps you to use the teachings of Christ and the Bible against fake Christians, I think the other book would give me a better basis in general for approaching how I talk and communicate with different kinds of people.” Yeah, I think so too, the first one should help a lot with that. Separation of Church and Hate also sounds really interesting. When I look at Germany, I can recognize a small part of that too, especially regarding the AfD, which often uses Christian symbolism to justify its identitarian and traditional-cultural ideology. The mechanisms are similar, but the way they manifest in Germany is much more subdued. “I don't have a really good plan at this time. I guess I keep wondering if we'll reach this point where other countries accept US asylum seekers in droves. I think there is a lot riding on our mid-term elections next year. At this point, I'm not even sure if they'll accept the results if they lose. I mean, we had Jan 6th once already. I'm also wondering if it will be possible for Americans to still leave for a while. But ultimately, I'd like to think things haven't quite reached that point.” Yeah, that’s my concern too, that they just won’t accept that they’ve lost. Are there a lot of protests and opposing voices from politicians at the moment? I’ve mostly just heard about some of the civilian protests, most recently the No Kings demonstrations. With a lot of things, you unfortunately can’t even tell anymore whether what you’re reading or seeing is actually true, especially when you get your information from different sources. (All those AI-generated videos that look way too real are driving me crazy too.) “The biggest news as of late is that Trump has been demolishing part of the White House, even though he lied before and said he would not, to build a big, gaudy ball room in it.” Oh I saw that, ridiculous. “But I don't honestly know for sure. I also think I could be sensing the effects of him being raised really religiously, and being put off by my presence, because I've gotten similar vibes from some angry Christians and Catholics before. But, I'm not going to try to unpack any of that right now.” Oh, well, great… just what we needed… But seriously, also what you wrote in your next post: I remember you mentioned that you got some positive feedback for your work, so I honestly don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. You’re still new there, and it’s normal that you haven’t found your full rhythm yet. It sounds like you’re someone who wants to do things properly and not just rush through them, which is a good thing. I can see, though, how that also makes you put a lot of pressure on yourself. It could be that your coworkers were asked by your boss to check in on you a bit, just to help you get used to everything. I know that can feel discouraging when you’re trying to prove you don’t need help, but that doesn’t mean they think you’re bad at your job. It’s simply part of getting settled in. The fact that you still tried to get everything done properly, even when things got chaotic, really shows that you care. You even remembered the stairwell and went to clean it up when most others would have just called it a night. That says a lot about how responsible and dedicated you are. And about your coworkers being rude or acting disrespectful, that kind of behavior really says more about them than about you. Soulmate was right saying that once you have a good group of people or a bit of a support system outside of work, those kinds of people don’t hit as hard anymore. They can sense when someone isn’t letting them get under their skin, and eventually, they stop trying. You clearly care about the quality of your work and about earning respect through effort, and that’s something to be proud of. Just try not to let that turn into the belief that you have to be perfect to be good enough. You’ve already shown that you can do this; you just need a bit more time to find your own rhythm and confidence. Also, I’m really curious how your boss responded to your messages. I hope he was understanding about it? “On the situation with my girlfriend and her job, from what I know she is still at both of her jobs. She has been complaining about coworkers being mean to her at the other job a lot the last couple of days, and it makes me feel bad. I want to see her get on well at work, and I feel like my girlfriend is someone who a lot of people would try to take advantage of and boss around.” I’ve been in some pretty unpleasant work situations or environments myself, and so has my fiancé. What always helped was talking about it and really listening to each other. Even if you don’t find an actual solution, it still makes a big difference. Keep doing that. “I will say that the one buddy of mine is or was a fan of Twenty-One Pilots.” Nice :D “So I had a pretty bad night at work. I really didn't want to talk about it with her last night, and I just wanted to be left alone. On the way home I said that. But after hearing me typing for 30-60 minutes, she got angry and ran back to ask me who I was talking to, and ask why I can't talk about it with her but have to discuss it with total strangers.” It sounds like your girlfriend is also worried about your relationship if she’s already getting jealous when you talk or play games with other women. That kind of reaction usually comes from a lack of trust, so it might really help if you both had an open talk about it. Also since she doesn’t seem to understand how forums work, you could just show her what you do there or explain why it matters to you.

"It could be that your coworkers were asked by your boss to check in on you a bit, just to help you get used to everything. I know that can feel discouraging when you’re trying to prove you don’t need help, but that doesn’t mean they think you’re bad at your job. It’s simply part of getting settled in." - That could be. Still, it seemed weird to me that they scrubbed the halls after lunch, and not later. I heard someone make a comment around that time, so that kind of made me feel disrespected on top of being rushed. "Also, I’m really curious how your boss responded to your messages. I hope he was understanding about it?" He didn't respond. And honestly, I guess that's probably for the best. The more I keep thinking about it, I'm starting to hold him accountable for things falling by the wayside. And I'm starting to question if he's a bigger problem than my coworkers. After all, he's the one who's been content with the other workers taking all of these shortcuts and not being concerned with disinfecting correctly. I had concerns, I reached out and brought them up to him. But I don't think he cares enough. "Also since she doesn’t seem to understand how forums work, you could just show her what you do there or explain why it matters to you." I've been trying to explain it when the subject comes up, over the last couple of months. She still winds up not understanding, and doesn't understand my need for other people besides her to talk to. The whole time I've been trying to wrote this little reply to you on my lunch break, she's been calling me and calling me again. I started writing because any other Monday she would still be driving far away and be out of range of setvice right now. She didn't respond when I called her, so I figured I had time to do this. Then she went on and on about money and how we can't pay our loans. Like BS, you know we have needed to account for the loans for weeks. How about you stop spending so much money on groceries multiple times a week? She just makes me angry. I have to go, later.

So since my last post, I did speak with my boss. I guess it went okay, and my boss did insist that I am good at my job and do more thorough work than my coworkers. Of course I can't be entirely sure that is how he feels, but all I can do is take him at his word. We discussed a few things related to pacing and prioritization, just to get a better idea of what is expected of me. Later in the day, I felt as though I am still going to frustrate coworkers who are mad that I'm not "helping" them enough. It takes me a while to get through these job details each day, and I usually have a little bit of extra time at the end of the shift to catch up on extra weekly details. Yesterday was a bit of a mess with people calling off, so we had some extra things I needed to do. They took care of one part of things, and I took care of the other part. I think they're mad because if it was them, they wouldn't put as much work into it and would have breezed through it a lot quicker, and then had the extra time. I can't really do that. I already feel like I was skimping on a lot of things that, typically, I would have also gotten done if I wasn't pressed for time. The work situation is still an ongoing puzzle for me to figure out. I am hoping that after a few weeks I'll at least have my new details down on a better routine. This morning I got randomly nostalgic for my old city, and looked up some videos online of it. I guess I get so conflicted about that place. It's like, yeah, it would be great to go back, and I've tried to make that happen several times now. At the same time, I don't think you really can go back. I had the perfect storm of things making my life work out there at the time. And when I think about the first couple of years, and the last couple of years there, I can point to moments where there was an indication that I was just lucky how things were working out at the time. Occasionally I think about making a day trip up there, with my girlfriend or even just by myself, for my own personal reflection. It's been almost 2 1/2 years since the last time I visited now, I think. But that's gas money and spending money we don't have to waste. I also live farther from there than I used to, so the drive up would probably take at least an additional hour. Maybe more? It's funny because I saw a lot of videos taken around 6 years ago, which was right around the time when I lost my old job but was still living there. I came across a video this couple from Connecticut took during a visit to the mall there. I guess it was kind of funny, hearing them try and take everything in and get lost within their first half an hour there. I did wonder to myself if the guy seemed a little off, and then I silently questioned myself about how he ended up with such an attractive lady. ...But then I realized I was being really unfair and kind of a jerk thinking that way. I'm not even sure why I did, since the guy seemed nice and likable enough in the video. I guess it was never really specified during the parts of the video I watched whether they were actually a couple. I guess I keep wondering why I couldn't ever really attract ladies. Also feeling kind of down about my appearance, since my teeth have gotten bad over the years. Anyway, it was kind of cool to look back into the mall, pretty much as I remembered it back then. I'm sure some things have changed in the time since. After that I came across a video of a Chinese (I believe) girl who attended college in my old city, and she was going to a tea lounge I used to visit from time to time. I thought this girl seemed really nice, and considerate and respectful, and I once again questioned why I could never really meet anyone like that when I lived there. There is the fact that I was at least 30 by that point, and I don't actually know how old the college girl was, but she was at the end of her fourth year and getting ready to leave soon. I guess maybe I still think I could have dated someone like her at the time, and it still wouldn't have been considered weird by society. Of course, she ultimately left and went back to China, I assume. Her last videos on her channel were taken, at the latest, a year after that. And no new ones since then. I guess it tracks, if she went somewhere like China where the Internet is notoriously more strict. Anyway, I don't know why I'm talking about this, but I guess it got me thinking a lot about my old city, and about how my attempts at dating there were always hugely disappointing. I'm still not at peace with all of that, and I still can't understand it. I guess I like to imagine all of these hypothetical pathways my life could have taken. And even though my real life isn't so bad, I guess it does feel pretty disappointing at times. That's all for now.

Yesterday didn't go so hot. I'm still trying to figure out where I lost ground at. I didn't quite make as much progress prior to lunch as I did the day before, but even then I didn't think I would wind up as far behind as I did later in the night. We also had one more person that we were missing the previous day. Granted, we still had some extra things to tend to, but I even got started on one detail earlier than we usually would, since that section of the building was empty and I wasn't in anyone's way. I felt like I encountered obstacles at almost every turn. What threw me off was tons of cardboard needing to be dealt with in two different rooms, and then I unknowingly made a mess dragging wood shavings in from the dumpster area onto the carpeting because it was wet from the rain and sticking to everything. (Fortunately, I cleaned that up before I think anybody else noticed and threw a fit.) I barely got done by the end of the shift. I'm pretty anxious for the weekend. I'm kind of looking forward to doing laundry, which rarely happens. This year has sucked, this month has sucked, but I think I'll be happy to put this week behind me. Hopefully it ends on a positive note.