The balancing act

I've decided I'm going to begin a new thread here as I chronicle my latest problems, concerns, thoughts and victories. The timing seems right for a couple of reasons, even though it leaves my last thread fading off into oblivion... I guess the main reason is that I feel like I've reached some new chapter or threshold in my recent situations. At least, it feels a bit that way. I also think my last thread is becoming a little long-winded and hard-to-follow, so I'll reference it here, and continue: https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13862/seeking-general-life-feedback So I made that original post on February 13th of this year. It followed a period of pretty intense changes in my life, from where I was at in early 2020. So much has happened over these years, and this past (nearly) year has layered on top of that. ...This might have been the worst year of my life, and in some ways also, the best year of my life. Just in different ways. If that makes any damn sense. If you're feeling adventurous, and don't mind a bit of cringe, then I'm also going to link the posts I've made and replied to under my previous username here: https://www.peoplesproblems.org/topiclist/alias/altreal I haven't sat and read all of my old ramblings, but did check out two of the threads I'd made back then. One pertained to an older girl from work I was trying to date who had kids, and she ghosted me hard. I also at least partially blame her for an increase in my drinking problems, as she was quite an alcoholic. (Whether or not she would admit that.) One of the comments someone mentioned about her and the kids' dad always having a connection was spot-on, as she ended up getting back with the dad and they moved elsewhere at some point. Another of the threads detailed my disappointing encounter with someone from an adult dating app, where I walked away hating myself. A lot has changed since circa 2019. In so many ways those now seem like simpler times. It's sad that the best I could really do was live in a studio apartment, single, without much attention from women, and work at a retail job where I felt like upper-management's job was to crush my spirit. But I greatly miss the location, the people, the security and lack of concern I had about the world then. It's sad that those "good old days" weren't even really all that good, and I was depressed as you please for so much of the 2010's. But I would almost take that over whatever in the hell you call this now. The 2020's have been this time of awakening and, dare I say it, "Wokeness" for me. As a straight, white male, it has been scary as hell for me. I feel really bad if this is how black people had been feeling almost all of the time prior to 2020. I have managed to stumble into jobs that pay decent and even found a girlfriend who I've been living with in recent years. We live in what I would say is the best house I've ever lived in throughout my entire lifetime. ...I'm still not happy. Who in the hell can be happy at a time like this? I've been on edge since 2022, easily. And that got magnified tenfold in late 2024. Now I am a nervous wreck of a person, and trying to go about my day while my country burns to cinders and everyone acts like nothing is happening. To be fair I have been struggling with jobs ever since I lost the one I had back in 2019. For some reason everybody is suddenly horrible and two-faced, and my attempts to keep to myself and just do my job are met with roadblocks by people who just kind of wish I didn't exist. I hate to say it, but that big retail job was actually pretty great. Even though they completely shunned me and blacklisted me from rehire. Everywhere I go, I feel the hate. And only share the bare minimum. My parents and my older sister have been brainwashed for well over a decade now. I don't know what to do or say to them anymore. They're either going to realize on their own how very wrong they are, or are going to die in ignorance with everything they're believing. I think they've never really cared as much about the individual or diversity as me, anyway. But I'm locked in a stalemate because the unfortunate reality is that my family are the only people who've consistently been there for me and helped me. My friends still have me stunned by their ignorance and indifference, and I'm still struggling to decide whether we're still friends almost one year later. I've decided that we are, we must be, though I am having a really hard time understanding how they reached the conclusions they've reached. I think the fact that I haven't had any real face-to-face time with my best friends in several years could be a contributing factor, and all we ever fall back on is pop-culture. I guess what I've realized is that they've estimated a lot of things wrong due to their upbringings in primarily Liberal cities, and don't really understand everything that's going on because they're misinformed and manipulated. That happens when you have it good, and aren't vigilant. I still long to get out of the state I'm in, and to go someplace better. But my attempts to return to my old city have been futile so far, and my big gamble to move across the country ended in horror. As much as I don't want to be in the place where I am right now, I feel like there must be some reason why I'm here, some significance. It is a swing-state in the elections, so maybe that is the reason? Anyway, I don't really know where I would go if I could go somewhere now. It just feels like everything is f@#%ed. I'm concerned that certain people in my government will soon be in possession of technology that lets them track everyone's phones on social media. They will look for people like me, who don't agree with them or adhere to what they are doing, and track us down to snuff us out. I don't know where to go or what to do, and I am thankful for Peoples' Problems and the brave social media sites (Not X or Meta anything) that exist for me to talk with likeminded folks on. I feel like they want to lock me up so they can torture me, or murder me on the spot. And maybe hopefully it's the latter. They just can't stand me. I've come to realize that over the past 6 years. I think the real American dream is alive and well in a good portion of us, but we just feel powerless to do anything. Because I am not a tall or imposing white male, I am an easy target for a lot of guys. They want to harm me. I don't know how to help anyone else, let alone myself and my loved ones. I feel like a failure and like I can't hold any job anymore, when in reality I think there are just a lot of shitty people being kept by their employers because they've been there for over a decade. They feel like they're "in", and don't have to try anymore, and the bosses don't root out people who don't do what they say and just let issues fester for years on end. So the shitty people keep doing the bare-minimum and down-talk anyone or anything that they perceive as being a threat to their little ruse. To this day I realize I am not a perfect person, and that I have my own issues. I can take accountability for that, like any good person should be able to. So my latest issue is that my problems at work are becoming ridiculous, in under 1 year of employment. 2 coworkers are rude and like to argue, another one is nosey and creepy. I think all of them feel threatened right now and are looking for ways to get me to leave. I really don't know anymore. I should be happier than ever with my living arrangement. ...But I'm not. ...

Morning update time: So already I have a bit more to add to my initial post. I'll back up a bit by explaining that the past week at my job hasn't been going as well. I'm not on the best terms with my coworkers, and it's mostly because I want to keep to myself and do the job as we're expected to do it. For some reason there is this assumption a lot of people here have that being more sociable or getting things done quicker means you're a better worker. I beg to differ. Needless to say, it's caused some friction since I received compliments from our superiors for my performance, and called out one of my coworkers for lying. All the while one of my coworkers has been a little bothersome and constantly shows up in my work area, when I am perfectly fine and capable of handling my own duties on my own. He has been cordial, but it seems a little fake, and I'm suspecting that there may be some other motives like keeping an eye on me, critiquing how I do things on the job, and just plain irritating me because it's sort of obvious I like to work alone. But I digress. I will say, that coworker did stop over and help me out last night with a job that would have been more tiresome and time-consuming on my own. I guess it's hard to tell which bothers me more anymore - people who treat you like an idiot and try to make you look like an unwelcomed fool, or people who just don't give you personal space. ...Anyway, so things have been a little rocky at my job the last couple of days. It's going alright, but the tone of things has gotten a little less pleasant over the past half a year since I started there. And like clockwork, this morning my girlfriend revealed that she quit her one job. And she is already looking at other jobs to possibly replace her other one. This all comes at a really bad time. I don't feel like things are reliable enough with her. And all of this happens after she got a lot of the things she begged me to do. But I don't really feel like I've gotten what I've wanted. If it were my call, and I wasn't with her, then I probably wouldn't stay here. Or, at least, I would want to start looking for an escape plan because I doubt I would have the means or a way to just up and go elsewhere. When we met a few years ago, I was desperately looking for a way to get back to my old city and state where I lived for a decade, or at least somewhere else like that. I always thought if I could find a girlfriend or a roommate, that it would also help with me being able to afford living in a nicer place there. Nowadays it might be what's needed just to live somewhere crappy there. Somehow, it's like I can't have both things. It's always some double-edged sword for me in relationships and life. Ultimately, I suspect things will smooth over at her job and she'll continue working there - at least for now. But who knows? I sort of doubt she will pick up more time at that job to replace the hours she lost at the one she quit, especially when she is complaining about how things are going at that job. She always talks about how she wants to get this fabled sit-down job that is less physical, but to me what she is doing right now at her current job doesn't seem all that physical. The place she just quit was the chain I worked for before, and I think it was about ideal for moving around without being too fast-paced or strenuous. I get that she doesn't want to work with the public so much, or at least face-to-face, but my experiences have shown me that nothing is perfect and you will usually encounter a jerk - usually in the form of coworkers or bosses. I did see that attractive woman working at the convenience store again last night, the one I'd mentioned in my previous thread. Admittedly, it kind of makes me wonder if the Universe is trying to give me a sign. Idk. It is just getting to be too much to deal with with my girlfriend. And once again, it seems like everything bad starts happening around this time of year, in the Autumn. I'll see how things go the next couple of days with everything in my world.