GF prison penpal writing - is this suspicious?

I’m going to try to keep this short as I am kind of startled by all this and have a tendency to rattle. GF and I (both mid 20s) have been together for about six years now. We met during our first year at uni. However, our relationship has been in something of a rut as of late. I've talked about this with my mates because I couldn't make sense of it, and they said it's normal. After 6 years, you get used to each other and sometimes you need to breathe new life into the relationship. figured that could be it because we haven't been in the habit of doing exciting stuff together (going on dates) or for example travelling. We used to do this a lot. BUT - GF is settling into a new job, which has been taking up a lot of her time and thought as well, so understandable in a way. I decided to take more initiative to keep our relationship exciting, so we went away a few times to do things that were totally outside of our comfort zone. Which ended up being a huge disappointment. GF seemed more annoyed than enthusiastic, she asked herself why I suddenly wanted to do things that did not interest her at all. The other day, I was using her computer for work because mine was being repaired and found out on her e mail address she has been making all kinds of payments to something called JPAY. Of course I had no clue what JPAY is. I googled it. It is basically a platform that lets you communicate (through email-like messages) with someone in jail or prison. (You do have to pay real money to do this.) And then there were emails saying this one guy (let’s say T) sent her a message from a tablet. Frequently. I don’t know anything about this JPAY website so I didn’t log into her account (wouldn’t know how, either) but now that I know she has been doing this, I am itching to. The start of her communication with this guy sort of coincides with when I started feeling like something was off (around January) and idk, I am weirded out by the fact that she never told me about this. Spending money she works so hard for to talk to a guy who is in prison? For something pretty horrendous as well. There is a wiki page for what he did. Has anyone ever done this (writing to prisoners?) What was your intention in doing so? I know she does not know T guy in real life (or knew him before he went to prison) because he is from another state and was put in prison when we were 6 years old or so. I have never known her to have an interest or whatever in writing to prisoners or even an interest in prisoners’ lives. And I don’t know if I should just ask her about this as she might feel hurt by the fact that I read her emails. I sort of looked through all of them and there was nothign else that was particularly crazy or suspicious, but the continuous back and forth with this T I feel uncomfortable with because I don't know what to make of it? Just looking for some advice here because I’m kind of bursting with t he fact that I know but haven’t said anything about it. I talked to one of my best buddies and he said it was weird, but it could just be a penpal thing. What do you think?

Hi 'Dude' and welcome! I'm too low on data allowance at the mo to post properly, but, just to start everyone else off - What do I think? I think she's behaving downright effing mental is what I think! Who the hell wants to penpal with a serious offender of the type that's a danger to the public?! I mean - do WHAT?! Also - what's she doing, being all furtive with another male full-stop behind your back? FYI there's a huge difference between Privacy and sleazy Secrecy. Apologise for nothing. She has communicated (*verbal is only 17% of total human-human comms) that there is a problem and - whatacoinkydinky-NOT - this began when she began her nefarious 'pen-palling'. If you snooped despite having NO basis (*the other 83%(!)), THEN she could remonstrate with you! In THIS context? NO. (And I expect you'd much rather she snooped on your emails/whatever than have THIS situation on your plate so - "boo-hoo, darlin - cry me a river!" (her). She clearly has issues. As for him? JEEZUZ! I mean - would YOU? I know I wouldn't! That's your starting point (you're normal, she isn't, and he's literally broken). So - if we had a magic wand - what do you want to happen from here?

This sounds screwed up on so many levels. Why would anyone pay to write to someone in prison? Firstly, there's the obvious point of not wanting to be connected with a criminal. However, even if the law-abiding penpal was doing it out of some charitable impulse, why would there be a need to pay, when prisoners have very little by way of company in the first place? That makes so little sense that I wonder if the platform is even genuine. Add to that, electronic communication devices are banned in jail, aren't they? In which case, how could her messages reach a prisoner and how could he ever email her back? So at best, she's a fool getting scammed out of money writing to a fake prisoner (AI?). At worst, if the platform really has set up a method of correspondence with convicts and is somehow converting her emails into letters and his letters into emails, she's developing an emotional connection to a very dangerous person who might track her down upon release. As Soulmate suggests, you may well consider this an emotional affair and a reason for leaving. The only other way I can think of to resolve the situation is if you look deeper into what the company is doing, find evidence that suggests it's a scam and show her. She's unlikely to keep having feelings for, or wasting money on, something if she comes to realise it's not real.

Bloke, your relationship isn't in a rut; rather, it's well & truly buggered. Despite the fact that she's doing things behind your back without your knowledge, when you're supposed to be in a 6 year old relationship, she's also indicating to you that she's slowly moving away. Yeah yeah, your mates reckon that it needs input but damn, two people make a successful relationship, not one. So when one attempts to inject excitement into a 'stale' relationship & the other doesn't co-operate, then their actions are doing the talking. Sit her down & just tell her straight that things are broken without mentioning the prison bs & that you guys might have to let the story kind of end. See what her reaction is & then take it from there. 6 year old relationships especially with people in their mid twenties are either morphing onto bigger things together or they're had enough of each other & are looking back over their shoulders without even realising it. Of course, there's those too, who will fight tooth & nail for their relationship, but does this apply to you guys? Your post tells of near zero communication between each other & there's no mention of shared interests or goals. Yep, your feeling was spot on, something IS off.

I would not let sleeping dogs lie on that one. How would she feel if you were writing to female inmates behind her back? I don't know if you have combined finances or anything but you could bring it up as "Hey I saw this JPAY charge come up on the credit card. Do you have any idea what it is?" Then it would be up to you if you want to reveal seeing the emails. Or even as others have suggested, just saying "I feel like you've been growing distant lately, is there anything going on with you or something on your mind?" Seems like a way for them to be able to pursue validation and attention secretly vs doing this in the form of social media or going out to a bar, date with some guy (less of a paper/electronic trail and no risk of him coming to see her in person). Honestly it's kind of bizarre but that's where my mind goes. Doesn't seem like it's going well in general so it will be up to you as to whether you want to salvage it or if you'll be able to trust her again (or even get the full truth with a real apology followed by real action: "I'm so sorry I did this to you, this is what I'm going to do so that this never happens again and I'm dedicated to making out relationship better")

Hi Jarvis and welcome again! (I've been busy then ill with Covid so - not ignoring you or anyone...will be playing catch up all this week.) I love how you suggested clever solutions...and you've just given me an idea for a new Narcissism saying (bearing in mind that their thinking is skewed 180 Degrees . everything back-to-front/upside-down): "I would not let lying dogs sleep". Too much? Sozzies if so, but... evidence suggests that's exactly what specie she is as well as what she's currently doing/behaving like.... having a fantasy relationship - a *Risk-Taking* type of *Self- and Other-Delusion* - meaning, giant Tick and Tick! - but (cheers Sand!) definitely still emotionally cheating...OR TWO-TIMING(!) whilst secretly has ZERO intention of giving 'you' up - for as long as you don't find out or don't protest/try to end it? Best you stick around, methinks. She might make it too hard for you to do the right thing (and get the uck away from her). PS Mannie: haha! You're just so real and tell it so straight, it amuses rather than offends... it's great. :D PPS - another thought, Jarvis (and you, Dude): "How would she feel if you were writing to female inmates behind her back?" That spraks another idea!... Dude, without specifically mentioning what you've found and why - pretend your attendance on this forum is, you taking her 'surprisingly wonderfully-charitable cue to cheer up serious offenders' so having found one for yourself. Her name could be Barbie, short for Barbara (not Doll). Yeah, let's SEE how she if she can take it as well as dish it! (Not really... I already know from this one, giant, mega-volumatic, ongoing act of hers, plus the secrecy, what she is, and the short answer is, they can't, they can only dish it.) ...Even better! Pretend the guy she's emailing with is now emailing with you, too ("I wanted to see what it was all about because - YOU obviously recommend it?!")...and - did she realise he's not into women? (evil cackle) Hah... fun to imagine. Condolences, though, Dude, I know it's horrid. Oh, and by the way - you don't even remotely 'prattle'. Dunno where you got that from- OH, WAIT, YES I DO (rolls eyes). FYI by 'you talk too much' they mean, you're apt to keep coming out with the inconvenient truth/reality as threatens their con-job and your belief in it.

Tsk - sorry - this para was intended for Dude: "Too much? Sozzies if so, but..." Probably obvious. But I'm anal. :)

PS everyone: "So at best, she's a fool getting scammed out of money writing to a fake prisoner (AI?). At worst, if the platform really has set up a method of correspondence with convicts and is somehow converting her emails into letters and his letters into emails, she's developing an emotional connection to a very dangerous person who might track her down upon release." Actually, Sand - reading that again and thinking about it more thoroughly: that is a VERY salient point! If not, then I suppose he could be directly emailing with her via a sneaked-in gadget and a secret email addy, like some do? Dunno... what does everyone (all no doubt better techies than me) think? (PS: mark of a severe (obvs) Narc-Sociopath. Criminally-Versatile... still breaking the rules and laws FROM IN PRISON! Nobody's going to tell HIM what to do! Defiance Disorder (unchecked) - into Conduct Disorder (unchecked) - into Sociopathy /unchecked) - into petty and/or social-climber type of criminal, whether or not co-morbid with Narcissism (but, usually, hence the shocking arrogance and over-entitlement levels there!).) Yeah, Dude - I agree you need to check this out more thoroughly in-case her vulnerability or duplicity & over-entitledness, whichever it is, is getting her scammed. And then, if it's the latter motivations/"needs" this guy's exploiting and intending to scam - do nothing ("bon voyage, shark - enjoy the killer whale!"). (You even still there, Dude, btw?)