I feel like a horrible person for this...

I have remained close with my ex in-laws after I divorced my husband a few years ago. I still love them, and we still get along and even celebrate some of our holidays together. I always wanted my daughter to have a good relationship with all of her family members. The problem is my ex sister in law. She was nasty to me from day one. She made fun of me when I was going through hard times, criticized my marriage, called me stupid numerous times, started rumors about me (and other friends and family members) behind our backs. It isn't just me she does this to, either. She would convince my daughter to do things that would get her into trouble because it was entertaining for her. She does crappy things to her friends, and then wonders why they don't talk to her anymore. She's the baby of the family and the only girl. Her mother, and the whole family really, have never told her no, never pointed out when she's being rude and nasty, and allow her to walk all over them. She does and says whatever she wants with no consequence. She plays victim when people get upset with her--and it's almost always because of the fact that she's cruel to them. I don't like to be around her because even in the recent past, she has been plain mean and dismissive and cruel to not only myself but my daughter, too. The problem now is that she has terminal cancer. Her friends have long since alienated her. She thinks it's because of her cancer diagnosis, but I suspect it's because of her cruelty, and she just can't admit it. She's upset that nobody visits her. I really want to let bygones be bygones, especially now that she's sick, but it's hard to do. I have really mixed feelings about this, and I feel awful for feeling this way. She is still pretty unpleasant to be around. When I do come around, she still snaps and gets nasty with me. It seems like my visiting only aggravates her. But I get the guilt trip from my ex mother in law about how nobody visits. I want to and I've tried. I know she's sick. She's terminal. I hate this. I want to be supportive but I don't know how. I have always tried to be the "bigger person", but it's built an enormous resentment in me to have to keep my mouth shut and play nice. It makes it hard to visit her. She's still unkind. I still don't feel welcome with her. But she is lonely. She's miserable. As much as I dislike the things she has done, I don't want to see her so sad and alone while she goes through this. I feel so selfish for feeling the way I do. Am I an awful person for feeling the way I do?

It's how well we treat people who don't deserve to be treated well, which will tell all & sundry, including ourselves, just what our true character really is. If you really want to visit this woman you will, despite her vitriol & bitterness. She'll take it to her grave, but you'll have learned something from it all by the time it's over.

Yup! Hi, ConfusedHippy! As a second option (or option 1 flourish?): Don`t visit, but set up a standing order with Interflora/whomever for a bouquet of fresh flowers, every 2 weeks. If anyone asks - it's quite simple: 'Despite my efforts to get along with her, the woman has consistently...systematically, made it CRYSTAL-clear that she hates my guts and, now, doesn't even appreciate my visits, quite the opposite. Very emotionally abusive...I come out every single time with chunks ripped out of me! Would YOU keep willingly climbing into a mam-eating Tiger's-cage-come-torture-chamber? NO, YOU WOULD NOT. So I suggest you increase your own visits, instead of trying to guilt me into constant injury as if I and my feelings matter not a jot to you'. And then tell them you've found a compromise in the fresh flower delivery...and how much it cost (if you like). In fact, you could/should START your sentance with 'It's quite simple'! Because it is. No-one but no-one with any self-preservation instinct, would feel differently to you. Have a card accompanying them every time, signed with your name first, then hubbie and kids. Then other people will read the card. You shouldn't normally have to worry about what other people and rellies think of you, obviously. But this isn't 'normally'. She's not miserable, anyway. She's taking advantage, of her own demise, as a Hall Pass to unleash her beast. Because she adores drama and misery. It's her comfort zone. In La-La Land (aka Opposites Land), all normal sentiments, sensitivities and social rules (etc., etc., etc.) don't and cannot apply to those who got mal-programmed. Narcs (which she OBVIOUSLY is!) are like back-to-front cats, whereby, stroking them from head-to-tail is irritating and offensive to them. KINDNESS is irritating thus infuriating to them (because if you pity them, you're threatening their Superiority Complex - think about it). There again... there MIGHT come a time fairly soon, when you decide to pay her one last visit (alone) and asking her outright - Why have you always detested me so much? See what you get. Probably a denial and lies and excuses that blame you, but - worth a punt? Or say - 'Do you realise that the reason no-one wants to come see you is because you constantly scare them all or make them painfully uncomfortable'? And then nothing....just sit back (or leave). PS: Yuck, she sounds INCREDIBLY toxic! Foul-foul woman! (...- spoiled, nasty kid in grown-up suit more like). What's this been doing to your nerves? And - where's your husband-protector in all this??? Or is he scared (of the over-Dreading variety) of her as well? PPS: If you fancy venting it all out - this occasion, that occasion, including things that suddenly-magically start to occur to you, making you realise you were abused far more seriously than you realised - feel free! Anger and Venting are very useful tools in this situation.

Sorry - I forgot you said you were divorced from him. Scratch that question, then. But that makes this even MORE self-sacrificial of you! I presume your daughter doesn't like her aunt, either?

Here you go... ((My comments, and Asterisks, in double-brackets)) "How does a narcissist act when they are dying: 7 stages – this question haunts thousands of families who discover that even terminal illness cannot transform a narcissist into the loving, remorseful person they hoped for. After working with countless families through NarcissismExposed.com as a Certified Narcissistic Abuse Specialist, I can tell you that understanding these stages will either validate your painful experience or shatter the last hope you're holding for a deathbed redemption that will never come. The brutal truth is that narcissistic personality disorder doesn't disappear when facing death – instead, it often intensifies as ((ref " She's taking advantage, of her own demise, as a Hall Pass to unleash her beast")) narcissists use their terminal diagnosis as the ultimate tool for control, manipulation, and attention-seeking. Rather than fostering genuine reflection, accountability, or peace-making, approaching death typically triggers a predictable pattern of behaviors that can traumatize families and healthcare workers alike. What makes this particularly devastating is that families often enter end-of-life care expecting their narcissistic loved one to finally show vulnerability, remorse, or genuine love. Instead, they encounter sophisticated manipulation tactics that exploit their compassion and exhaust their emotional resources during an already difficult time. Understanding how narcissists act when they are dying through these seven distinct stages isn't about judgment – it's about preparation, protection, and validation for those who find themselves trapped in these exhausting dynamics while trying to provide care and support during someone's final chapter. ((Yeah-yeah, blah-blah, squishy-squishy - they're still too highly damaging to be in the same room as, though. You'd rather NOT have to keep 'being bandaged', eh!...funny, that. Plus, paid, professional carers are TRAINED in how to deal with it and not let the narc's/dementiaed person's abuse affect them, EC-tually. If the patient is abusive to point of (quote) can TRAUMATISE their family and friends, she needs a professional carer - and the world needs more professional carers, NOW!....End Of.)) The Psychology Behind Terminal Narcissism Before exploring how does a narcissist act when they are dying: 7 stages, it's essential to understand why terminal illness doesn't create the personality transformation that families often expect. The psychological and neurological factors that create narcissistic behavior patterns persist even when facing mortality. ((And typically worsens.)) Terminal illness presents the ultimate narcissistic injury – a situation where they cannot maintain control, superiority, or their grandiose self-image. Rather than fostering humility or genuine reflection, this threat to their ego often triggers intensified manipulation tactics as they struggle to maintain psychological control in a situation where they're losing physical control. The Neurological Persistence Research from the Journal of Palliative Medicine shows that personality disorders remain remarkably stable even during terminal illness. The brain structures responsible for empathy, self-reflection, and genuine emotional connection don't suddenly develop because someone is dying. If anything, the stress of terminal illness can exacerbate existing personality disorder symptoms. Key factors that maintain narcissistic patterns include: Unchanged neurological architecture responsible for empathy deficits Increased anxiety and stress that intensifies existing coping mechanisms Fear of losing control that triggers more aggressive manipulation tactics Opportunity to use illness as the ultimate attention-getting and control mechanism Audience of concerned family members who become easier targets for manipulation The False Hope of Deathbed Redemption One of the most painful aspects of caring for a dying narcissist is the false hope that terminal illness will finally create genuine change. Families often believe that facing mortality will help their loved one develop insight, offer genuine apologies, or express authentic love and gratitude. This hope becomes particularly dangerous because: It keeps family members emotionally invested in unrealistic expectations It makes them vulnerable to intensified manipulation tactics It prevents them from protecting their own emotional wellbeing during an already difficult time It can lead to feelings of failure when the expected transformation doesn't occur It extends suffering for everyone involved by maintaining unhealthy dynamics ((Last point - absoabso-LUTELY! It is important that OTHER people - not her (she's futile) - see you HONOUR the horrible history you have suffered again and again and again and (ad nauseum) by NOT willingly entering said rabid Lion's cage. Your daughter ESPECIALLY - due to her picked-on gender - needs to see you put your foot down and say, NO....THERE IS ZERO POINT OR BENEFIT TO ANYONE, LEAST OF ALL HER. NNNNNNOOO. She needs to know that forgiveness HAS to be asked for before it can be given and will do any good to anyone (only Jesus was Jesus, innit). This is not about forgiveness, it's about protecting your physical and mental health from INEVITABLE results of drip-drip, severe toxicity. About being sensible and self-respecting and -protecting - BECAUSE *YOU* LIKE YOU.)) According to research published in the American Journal of Hospice and Palliative Care, personality-disordered patients often create the most challenging end-of-life situations for both families and healthcare providers, precisely because their fundamental coping mechanisms don't change despite their circumstances. ((Probably why the family want YOU to keep going. One less offensively painful visit for them, eh.)) How Does a Narcissist Act When They Are Dying: 7 Stages Revealed Understanding the seven predictable stages that characterize how narcissists act when they are dying helps families and caregivers prepare for the challenges ahead while maintaining appropriate boundaries and realistic expectations. Stage 1: Denial and Grandiose Invincibility The first stage of how does a narcissist act when they are dying involves complete denial of their diagnosis and grandiose beliefs about their ability to overcome what others cannot. This isn't the healthy optimism that can benefit patient outcomes – it's a delusional refusal to accept reality that often interferes with medical treatment. This stage typically includes: Refusing to believe medical diagnoses or seeking endless second opinions to find someone who will tell them what they want to hear Claiming they're stronger, more resilient, or more special than other patients with similar conditions Demanding experimental treatments or procedures that may not be appropriate Becoming angry with medical professionals who don't validate their grandiose expectations Making unrealistic plans for the future that ignore medical realities The impact on families: Exhaustion from trying to help them accept reality Conflict with medical teams over unrealistic demands Financial strain from pursuing unnecessary or experimental treatments Emotional confusion as they struggle between hope and medical facts Isolation as other family members may be blamed for “giving up” too easily Why this happens: The narcissist's grandiose self-image cannot incorporate the reality of mortality, so they construct elaborate fantasies about their special ability to overcome their condition. Stage 2: Rage and Blame Projection When denial becomes impossible to maintain, narcissists typically move into intense rage directed at everyone around them. This stage of how does a narcissist act when they are dying involves blaming others for their condition, their prognosis, and their emotional state. Common behaviors include: Blaming family members for causing their illness through stress or inadequate support Raging at medical professionals for not doing enough or making mistakes Claiming they would be fine if others had treated them better throughout their life Using their illness to justify past abusive behavior toward family members Creating chaos in medical settings through angry outbursts and unreasonable demands The manipulation tactics include: “You gave me this cancer with all your stress and drama” “If you had been a better daughter/son/spouse, I wouldn't be sick” “The doctors don't understand how special my case is” “You're all giving up on me because you want me to die” “This is karma for how badly you've treated me” Family impact: This stage is particularly traumatic for families because they're blamed for the illness while simultaneously expected to provide care and support. The guilt manipulation can be devastating. Stage 3: Bargaining Through Manipulation The third stage of how does a narcissist act when they are dying involves sophisticated bargaining tactics that exploit family members' emotions and religious or spiritual beliefs. Unlike healthy bargaining that may involve personal promises to change, narcissistic bargaining focuses on manipulating others. Manipulation strategies include: Promising to be a better person if family members provide specific types of support Using religious or spiritual language to manipulate guilt and obligation Making deathbed promises they have no intention of keeping Claiming they need to “make things right” while actually gathering ammunition for further manipulation Exploiting family members' hope for reconciliation to gain control and attention False reconciliation attempts: Appearing to take responsibility while subtly blaming others Offering conditional apologies that require something in return Using vulnerable moments to extract promises or commitments from family members Creating drama around “final conversations” that become manipulation opportunities Positioning themselves as the wounded party seeking forgiveness rather than offering genuine accountability The danger: Families often interpret these behaviors as genuine change, investing emotional energy and hope in what are actually sophisticated manipulation tactics. Stage 4: Depression and Self-Pity Performance When other tactics fail to provide the desired control and attention, narcissists often move into performed depression and intense self-pity. This stage of how does a narcissist act when they are dying involves exaggerated emotional displays designed to generate sympathy and maintain their position as the center of attention. Characteristic behaviors include: Dramatic expressions of hopelessness that seem performative rather than genuine Constant complaints about their suffering that eclipse others' experiences Self-pity that positions them as the ultimate victim in every situation Refusing comfort or support while simultaneously demanding constant attention Using their depression to manipulate family schedules, resources, and energy The performance aspects: Depression that intensifies when they have an audience Sudden mood improvements when they get their way or receive special attention Complaints that seem designed to generate specific responses rather than express genuine feelings Emotional manipulation that makes family members feel responsible for their mood Strategic deployment of vulnerability to avoid accountability or consequences Impact on caregivers: This stage is exhausting because family members feel constantly responsible for improving the narcissist's emotional state while their own grief and stress are ignored or minimized. How Does a Narcissist Act When They Are Dying: The Final Stages The last three stages of how narcissists act when they are dying often represent the most challenging period for families, as the narcissist's need for control intensifies while their physical abilities diminish. Stage 5: Control Through Chaos and Crisis As physical control diminishes, narcissists often compensate by creating emotional chaos and manufactured crises. This stage of how does a narcissist act when they are dying involves using their remaining energy to maintain psychological control over family dynamics. ((Like starting the Narcissist/Sociopathic Victim-Slander Campaign - go google.)) Crisis creation tactics: Manufacturing medical emergencies that require immediate family attention Creating family conflicts that force others to choose sides or mediate disputes Making frequent changes to wills, funeral plans, or inheritance decisions to maintain power Refusing necessary medical care to create crisis situations that center attention on them Using pain medication or medical needs to control family schedules and availability Family manipulation strategies: Playing family members against each other through selective information sharing Creating artificial deadlines or urgencies around reconciliation or forgiveness Using grandchildren or other vulnerable family members as emotional weapons Making demands that force family members to neglect their own needs or responsibilities Timing crises to interfere with important events in other family members' lives The exhaustion factor: This stage is particularly draining because families feel they're constantly in crisis mode, unable to focus on their own needs or grief processing while managing manufactured emergencies. Stage 6: Final Control Attempts and Legacy Manipulation In the sixth stage of how does a narcissist act when they are dying, the focus shifts to controlling their legacy and ensuring continued impact after death. This involves sophisticated manipulation of inheritance, family relationships, and memory creation. Legacy control behaviors: Frequent changes to wills and inheritance plans used as rewards and punishments Creating conditions in wills that force family members to continue certain behaviors after death Attempting to control funeral arrangements down to the smallest details Making demands about how they should be remembered or honored Using recorded messages or letters to continue manipulation after death Relationship manipulation: ((****)) Attempting to repair relationships with some family members while destroying others Creating artificial family hierarchies based on who provides the most attention or compliance Making promises about inheritance or forgiveness that they don't intend to keep Using death as a deadline to force reconciliation on their terms ((*****)) Setting family members up for continued conflict after their death Memory manipulation: Rewriting family history to position themselves as the victim or hero Demanding that past abusive behaviors be forgotten or forgiven Creating elaborate narratives about their life that family members are expected to maintain Using their approaching death to manipulate how their actions are interpreted Stage 7: Acceptance Without Accountability The final stage of how does a narcissist act when they are dying involves a form of acceptance that maintains their ego while avoiding genuine accountability. This isn't the peaceful acceptance that characterizes healthy death processing – it's acceptance that preserves their grandiose self-image. Characteristic patterns: Accepting death while maintaining they lived a perfect life Expressing satisfaction with their choices without acknowledging harm to others Positioning their death as a loss that will devastate everyone around them Maintaining victim narratives about how others treated them poorly Dying without offering genuine apologies or taking authentic responsibility Final manipulation tactics: ((*****)) Using their death as the ultimate guilt trip for family members who set boundaries Creating deathbed scenes designed to generate maximum emotional impact Refusing to acknowledge pain they caused while demanding forgiveness for others' perceived slights Maintaining grandiose narratives about their importance and impact until the end Using final conversations to plant guilt, obligation, or manipulation that will persist after death The aftermath impact: This stage often leaves families feeling unresolved and guilty, as they never received the accountability, apology, or genuine love they hoped for." (article continues with said advice for professional-carers).... _____________________________________________________________________ (Bloody good article, that.) So, then... She's not even your sister. She is your enemy (hence she shows it non-stop). Say it with me: "Pfffff, no thanks! I'll save my Fairy Dust for good eggs whom deserve it (it doesn't grow on trees, you know!)". (Horrible person, my arse. Just functional and intelligent, including incredibly compassionate. Ermagheerd, whadda cow. Haha! (((((((((((Hug))))))))))))) YOU'RE PUTTING YOUR DAUGHTER AND HER FUTURE QUALITY OF INCOMING TREATMENT, *FIRST*, IS WHAT YOU'RE DOING. It's not your choice to stay away or not, now, IOW. So no wonder you didn't consider that bleedin'-obvious non-obvious? Ah, well - you know it now: 50 Pence, please? :D

Forgot the article link! https://narcissismexposed.com/how-does-narcissist-act-when-dying/

Since you do get along with your ex-in-laws, I would have a talk with them and plead with them to make their daughter to stop bullying you. This is detrimental to your daughter. I am sure she is also being hurt by the way your ex-sister in-law treats you and she will feel protective you. Neither you nor your daughter should be exposed to this. As a matter of fact, your ex-husband should be in on this conversation and do what he can to prevent further abuse. In addition to that, I would say you should stay away from her as much as possible. You can let your daughter see her grandparents, however, make it clear to them she is not to be around or be bullied by her aunt. You can remain in contact with them personally, by phone or video or text. But I would definitely stay away from her.

"Neither you nor your daughter should be exposed to this. As a matter of fact, your ex-husband should be in on this conversation and do what he can to prevent further abuse. In addition to that, I would say you should stay away from her as much as possible. You can let your daughter see her grandparents, however, make it clear to them she is not to be around or be bullied by her aunt. You can remain in contact with them personally, by phone or video or text. But I would definitely stay away from her." Hear-hear! (thumbs-up)

(I am lllliking your style, Stormy! :) I hope you intend to stick around and post some more?)