My husband doesn’t find me attractive anymore

My husband is angry and frustrated with me and talking about separation because he feels that I have taken advantage of him in our 20+ year marriage. He has done the majority of the cooking and cleaning as I have Lupus and was always fatigued. We did not have much intimacy. Sex is very important to him. Last year I had a stroke and he brought it up when I came home from the hospital. Moreover, he says that I am fat and ugly and he is not sexually attracted to me and can’t get an erection to have sex with me. He talks about going to Thailand or anywhere really to have sex with other women who will make him hard. He is 70 years old. I need advice on how to respond to him.

Hi Scottie, and, please bear with us as respondents are thin on the ground at the moment. It's never a case of If, here, just When/How Quickly. :) Quick question, meantime, to start everyone off: If the Angel Gabriel came down from Heaven and told you that however you felt like responding had been sanctioned by 'Im Up There...that anything at all was fine by him(/her?) - what would you say or do to him? This is a safe venting place so - feel free to spill your guts (and exhale). Let it ALL out. Oh, and tell us when this DISGUSTING behaviour of his (or flashes of it) first began to hit your radar?

(PS: Your duplicate thread will be deleted anon.)

Moderator's bump-up................

PS: Anyone - please feel free to dive in with your own thoughts and feelings about this?

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. What you’re describing is deeply painful, and it’s understandable that you feel hurt, confused, and overwhelmed—especially after living with lupus, surviving a stroke, and sharing over 20 years of marriage. I want to be very clear and grounded in this response. First, an important truth What your husband is saying to you is emotionally abusive. Calling you “fat and ugly,” blaming you for illness, bringing up sex and separation right after a stroke, and threatening to seek sex elsewhere are not acceptable ways to communicate frustration, even if he feels lonely, resentful, or sexually unfulfilled. His feelings may be real, but his behavior is harmful. None of this means you “took advantage” of him. You did not choose lupus. You did not choose a stroke. Needing help because of illness is not exploitation. How to respond (calm, firm, self-protective) You do not need to argue, defend your body, or beg for attraction. The goal is to protect your dignity and set boundaries. You might say something like: “I hear that you feel resentful and unhappy in our marriage. I’m willing to talk about that. But I will not accept being insulted, threatened, or blamed for my illness or my stroke. If we are going to talk about separation or the future, it has to be with respect—or with a counselor present.” If he continues with insults or sexual threats: “This conversation is becoming abusive. I’m going to step away now. We can continue later when we can speak respectfully.” Then stop engaging. Repeating boundaries is more effective than explaining yourself. What this situation is really about Underneath his anger are likely: Long-term resentment about caregiving Sexual frustration and fear of aging His own erectile difficulties (which he is projecting onto you) Fear of mortality at 70, intensified by your stroke But those are his issues to take responsibility for, not weapons to use against you. Very important: You deserve safety and support Given your health history, stress like this can be dangerous for you. Please consider: A marriage counselor or mediator, especially if separation is being discussed Your own therapist or support group, ideally one familiar with chronic illness A trusted friend or family member who knows what’s happening (don’t carry this alone) If he becomes verbally cruel, threatening, or coercive, that is a line that matters. About intimacy and sex Sex matters in marriages—but it cannot be demanded through humiliation. His erectile issues at 70 are common and medical. Blaming your body or illness is avoidance. You are not responsible for “making him hard,” and no other woman magically erases age, health, or emotional disconnection. One last thing I want you to hear Your value did not end because: you became ill your body changed intimacy decreased you needed care A loving partner responds with grief, conversation, and shared problem-solving—not cruelty.

MJ, Pleased to meet you! Just reading but had to break off to say: "What your husband is saying to you is emotionally abusive." MMMMMMWA! Well done for 'naming the Elephant in the room'. Most don't dare, so - liking your confidence! :) I'll read your rest....

Scuse my Frrrrrenshch, but - that was ucking brilliant, MJ! You know your narcissistic and actual NPDs, then? Really hoping you'll stick around and do more responding to any more new threads? It's quite quiet at the mo because of the novelty of AI. But that'll wear off once every problem-holder realises AI can't 'hold your hand' nor 'walk your path with you' AS it 'advises'. PS: Absobloodylutely it's Projection. Pff...never mind erection - he probably wouldn't last the damn plane journey! He's just mightily pissed-off because his slave is no longer up to the job, and will likely need HIM to do the caring (which they don't/won't/can't). Typical narc/Narc, tho. All Stick and zero Carrot. (Literally in his case, hahaha!) Anyway - great to meet you. :)

PS - disclaimer for everyone else: If you 'name the Elephant', that is NOT the same as diagnosing online (don't make me laugh, hah!). 1. Especially as diagnosing includes prescribing and either handing-over said prescription or courier-ing it (or appointing it (therapy)). So - identify away! 2. You don't need to be psychiatrically trained to IDENTIFY a Narc or full-blown NPD - a kid of 4 could do it, so limited is their thinking, attitudes and 'output' (behaviour), not to mention repetitive and circular (it does have to be a "Pervasive Pattern", not a one-off, UNLESS the one-off is a gargantuan Classic Hallmark). Which TYPE or Sub-Type and/or any Comorbidities is another matter (you need vast experience or training - pref both - to identify that precisely). 3. I have Diplomatic Immunity, Globally, anyway (*owned*), which automatically gets extended to 'all who sail with me'. 4. We're not identifying the problematic person directly (to their face), anyway ('ignorance is bliss'). Plus we never recommend TELLING the narc that's what you've discovered they are. (It`s pointless, anyway - they don't give a shite or just use the fact they know others might, as their excuse to contrive another giant tantrum i.e. beat you up (again).) .........Is there a 4? Can't remember at the mo but if so it'll come back to me. Obviously, if I feel the ID-ing is however-much 'off', I'll intervene. But none of you have ever been wrong. (No doubt because you're all a lot older than 4, haha!)

Anyhoo - ARE YOU STILL THERE, SCOTTIE? EVERYTHING OKAY? Please tell us or we'll just worry about you.