Siblingrivalry

Interested in others perspective. Tried to converse with my 60 year old sister about an argument I had with my adult daughter last evening. I just wanted to vent. I was hoping for empathy. Perhaps some understanding and emotional support. She listened. She responded with 'I don't care her age if it had been me I'd have pulled her pants down & smacked her hard on her arse and told her to grow up'. I was shocked and said are you joking or trying to be funny? She said 'No I'm not. She needs a good slap. Always has needed it. Not smacking her when she was a small brat was your first mistake'. In total disbelief of her response I said how I didn't realise she was such an advocate for physical violence to children and adults. She said 'If you'd done it way back when you should have then she'd not be mouthing off at you now'. Then she added how a good hard whack in childhood is way more effective than any words or punishment. More impact. Give them a stinger they won't forget and then they learn to respect you more. I said I think it best I leave this conversation now. Bye. I hung up.

My opinion?...spare the rod spoil the child. It doesn't matter who you are & what your station is in life. That doesn't mean that you can belt them black & blue but if you fail to discipline your child when young, then expect arguments with them when they're adults or sub adults or teenagers or whatever...pretty simple really. It's obvious that your sister can see what the problem is but as you're the parent, then you need to deal with it the best way you can without her input if you're going to hang up on her.

'Ere, Mannie - I think she hung-up on you!

PS: I like this healthworker's common-sense approach...albeit, any method or cocktail of such, must be tweaked aka customised to your particular child's nature, etc., to ensure you're not going over- or under-board...hence, for my kid as a toddler, 'tomorrow' would have been too much, too far-off into the future and 'after lunch and your nap' sufficed... Just - everything in moderation, really.... plain common sense and/or good early templating... "A health visitor in England is urging parents to use a four-word statement to help stop kids' naughty behaviour fast. Ruth is a health visitor who is known for posting content on TikTok to help parents through different stages of their journeys, including advice for pregnant women, families with newborn babies and parents trying to navigate toddler behaviour. Earlier this year she shared a video for parents with toddlers or children who have started showing behaviours such as hitting, snatching, biting and running away. All of these behaviours are normal developmental stages for any child. According to the NHS temper tantrums usually start at around 18 months and are very common in toddlers. One reason for this is toddlers want to express themselves, but find it difficult. They feel frustrated, and the frustration comes out as a tantrum. Once a child can talk more, they're less likely to have tantrums and by the age of 4, tantrums are far less common. Ruth explained that a way to make sure your children learn behaviours are bad is to enforce consequences instead of shouting or using the 'naughty step'. She said: "Always talk about how I just do not agree with the naughty step, I do not agree with punishing, or shouting or taking things away from your child when it has absolutely no correlation to the behaviour. So this is how I parent my children, I use consequences and I'm going to give you some examples of everyday situations where you may lose your temper. "Your toddler or child has hit another child, they get removed from the situation, they have to leave the toy that they're playing with behind and you come with them, you're going to move them away. If they can't be kept safe from hitting another child then they have to be moved away from that child and then let them have a tantrum. "They'll get over it and then you can try again. Running away from the pram, this is a safety hazard. If they run away from the pram, that is it, they get strapped in, kicking and screaming, I do not care." "For the rest of the duration that you're out from the house, they are in that pram. Yes, if you get to a park they can get out and play but they're back in the pram and it's a consequence. 'You ran away from mummy, you have to stay in the pram, we'll try again tomorrow'. "The really important thing is holding your boundary whilst remaining calm. You really want to get out the pram, it's tough, you ran away, I can't trust that you won't do it again." Other situations Ruth gave an example of were children throwing things and biting other children, which again is very common in toddlers. She said: "[If] they keep throwing items or something like your phone that you don't want them to throw - firstly, give them a warning, 'if you throw that again my phone gets taken away', do not give it back for the rest of the day. We'll try again tomorrow, that's always the consequence, an immediate reaction, it gets taken away, we'll try again tomorrow. "Deal with the tantrum. Show them what they can throw and where they can throw it because the throwing isn't actually naughty. Throwing is a real developmental milestone. Take them to the garden, let's throw the ball to each other, we don't throw mummy's phone but we can throw the ball, we can throw teddy bears to each other. "Biting, if your child is biting, firstly you need to be present to help prevent bites, because bites are the more serious end of behaviour. [It] doesn't mean your child's naughty, it's very, very developmentally normal and expected for them to be biting, hitting, throwing and snatching. "What you need to do is again, similar to hitting, we remove the child from the situation, maintaining that contact with you, we're not isolating them." Ruth also said it's important to understand the behaviour your child is displaying, especially when it comes to biting. Especially with children that are teething, Ruth explained that they could need some kind of stimulation. Another parent gave further advice for parents in the comment section, she said: "May sound obvious, but remember to tell your child the behaviour you expect, like, ‘ You have to stay next to/hold on to the buggy when we’re walking’." ____________________________________________________________________ (Of course, one does have to KEEP their promise to try again later/tomorrow - that's imperative. And if that turns-out impossible - the next day (or offer an equitous/bigger form of compensation). Cos todz n kidz ain't "shtoopid"*, they just lack the vocab (*as do a lot of adults these days LOL).)

Ze link: https://www.msn.com/en-gb/health/other/i-m-a-health-visitor-use-4-word-statement-to-stop-kids-naughty-behaviour-fast/ar-AA1SPg0w?ocid=msedgdhp&pc=U531&cvid=7d8d35ca77e94263ec4e70205862318b&ei=19 (But - OOOH, NOOOO - what's she taaaalking about? YOU can't throw TEDDY?! :O ....Poor Teddyyy, awwwww...) (We're supposed to be teaching them Empathy as well as appropriate, sensible Obedience, innit.)

Manalone. Thank you for your response only I need to point out that I didn't just hang up on my Sister. I told her I was going. I said to I think it best I leave this conversation now. I forgot to add she then said 'ok' and then I ended on my mobile phone. To avoid conflict. We are super fine. I rang back the very next day. You seem to have taken it as though I rudely just hung up. Which was not the case. Soulmate. Thank you for your response. Only I need to point out that it was a discussion about an adult daughter. Not a toddler, child or teenager. Merry Christmas to you both.

Manalone. Please re read and see that my Sister responded with 'not smacking her when she was a small brat was your first mistake'.

Do adults not have arguments? I wish to clarify. Aunt is an adult 60 years Mother is an adult 50 years Daughter is an adult 30 years. The two responses were not relevant.

Well you were interested in other's perspectives even if you did forget some relevent information in your post. Never mind you'll work it out as you're an adult..Merry Christmas ps..your sister is more than correct.

Hey Hippymom, I can understand you very well. Even though I don’t know what the argument was about, it is completely normal for parents and adult children to have conflicts from time to time. That has nothing to do with having “failed” in parenting. On the contrary, if an adult child can disagree, discuss, or even argue with their parent, it often shows that they were raised to have their own voice and to express it. Violence, towards children or adults, is a hard no for me. I often hear the phrase “it didn’t harm us,” and that may be true for some people. But there are many others for whom it absolutely did cause harm, and that is the crucial point. Trauma doesn’t only come from being beaten black and blue. Even “occasional” physical punishment or fear-based parenting can leave lasting marks. Your sister’s statement sounds to me like there may be something deeper underneath...perhaps long-held resentment or judgment about your daughter and your parenting, maybe the belief that she is “too mouthy” or disrespectful because of how she was raised. That is her issue, not yours. I would probably have ended the conversation as well. It’s okay to step away from a discussion when it becomes hurtful or disrespectful. I also understand that you simply wanted to be heard to vent, to receive understanding, not to be given blame or “you should have” advice. I don’t have children myself, but I am a daughter (at the same age), and from that perspective I can say: arguments with parents can still happen in adulthood. A relationship doesn’t mean constant harmony, but being able to tolerate disagreement too. Merry Christmas and happy holidays to you all.

Hippymom, No-no, that wasn't aimed at you/your situation, it was for Mannie and/or anyone, just for interest, as (ref my first comment - to him) I thought you'd abandoned thread (par for the course on public forums). But anyway - " I rang back the very next day." So, what happened? What did you say? Did she explain why she'd reacted so uncharacteristically like that? What had your daughter done/said to upset you so much that you'd felt you needed propping up afterwards? Was that out-of-character as well (for daughter)?

PS: Manalone was quite right, though. You presented two upsetting events but didn't specify which one, or which aspect therein, you wanted a perspective over. I too thought this was the crux: "In total disbelief of her response I said how I didn't realise she was such an advocate for physical violence to children and adults."

PPS: I'm curious, though... How come you consider a disciplinary smack on the bottom if and when appropriate, to be label-able as outright 'physical violence' towards children (er...) and adults (- que?). FYI, child-violence/abuse very rarely tends to have anything to do with discipline. 'Discipline' is just the word/concept that abusers use to hide/disguise or shrink their abuse behind. You wouldn't call a handshake an arm-wrestle, right? So I wonder why you're conflating the two separate things? Was it because sister used the word, hard? Why did you take it as if she meant 'hard' to mean, harder than would count as mere discipline, rather than a short-sharp-sting just to provide an imprint? PPPS: Happy Crimbo to you, too - and you, CN, and you, Mannie, and the Baby Cheeses. :)

HIPPYMOM, From the sound of it your daughter has always been a brat, and you should have physically disciplined her - within reason so as it does NOT go to the level of abuse. BUT, she is an adult now. If you try to spank her now, it can very well end up in a physical altercation - and you don't want that. So try going No Contact with him. Or maybe you can call her once every week or two just to check in. But limit your conversation with her and limit the time you are in a physical space with her. This situation could easily escalate into unmentionable. You Don't Want That.

Hey CREATIVENICK, Merry Christmas! I hope you have a really great New Year! Your response was both a kind and helpful voice of reason. Thank you! I can tell you'd be a great parent. Sis and I are fine. We've talked several times since. Adult Daughter and I are fine. We've talked things over calmly. I got the most precious Christmas gift of all time. On Christmas Evening after a full on day she walked up the internal staircase headed for bed then stopped rather uncharacteristically 4 steps from the top landing, turned around and said 'Mum I really do Love You. Merry Christmas'. This sentiment melted me inside. It means the World to me. We've been going through a lot 'understatement' in our family life right now and the stress levels have been super high. Under much pressure. My Mother is dying. They told us within twelve weeks about 3 weeks ago. So it is like a ticking time bomb. Jumping each time the phone rings. Such is that circle of life. I'm trying to keep myself together and wear my grown up adult pants when inside I'm still that little girl crying for what was never quite right and feeling slapped in the face by the realisation that it all passed in a blur with no true resolution. Way too complicated to go into or explain. I'm left wondering was it all worth it Mum? Our childhood of physical & emotional abuse. Even as Mum lays in her bed deteriorating before my eyes she is STILL BEING a force to be reckoned with. My Mother is unlike any destructive force of nature that others are lucky enough never to know or experience. It is something unable to be understood nor put into words easily. So once again I wish to take the time to tell CreativeNick that your response was sensible, sound and supportive. I send you a big virtual HUG!

HIPPY MOM - I received an email stating that you responded to me. However, I do not see your response. I am new on this forum and trying to learn how to get around. Please let me know where I can see your response. Thank You, Stormy.

STORMY, I wish to advise that I did not send you a response. Thank You

Please excuse the interjection, folks: Stormy (hi!), Talking of tech: you posted this by-mistake on the Xmas Muck-Around thread: _____________________________ The Christmas Day Muck-Around Thread! :) STORMY profile image STORMY - Dec 26 2025 at 01:16 Member since Dec 2025 Divorce Him NOW. Get all the financial resources that you can due to mental cruelty. DO NOT ALLOW him to cheat you financaily. Get a good attorney. Also get a good mental health therapist to help you move past the hurt emotions and move on with your life. _____________________________ Thought you might like to know so that you can copy and paste it into the intended thread? :)

PS Stormy: You can ask me or any long-termers if you get stuck - or can click Support on the top Green banner, then Technical Support, and send an How To? email. Feel free! :)

Hippymom, Pleased to hear your situation was just a flash-in-the-pan and that it's all sorted now. Me, I'd like to thank CreativeNick (obviously), and also our veteran Manalone and newbie Stormy for both having taken time out of their day on your behalf. :)

Hey Hippymom, thank you so much for your response. It really touched me. What your daughter said to you on Christmas is incredibly special. Moments like that truly matter. I’m very sorry about your mum and everything you’re dealing with right now. Carrying grief, old wounds, and present pressure all at once is a huge weight. Please be kind to yourself! With the New Year just around the corner, I wish you strength for what lies ahead and as many calm, gentle moments as possible along the way. I’m really glad my words were helpful. Sending a big virtual hug back to you, and wishing you a gentle start to the New Year :)

CREATIVENICK, Truly grateful for your support. Wishing you health, joy, and all the best in the new year.

Here, Hippymom - if you want some useful advice for how to handle that even better next time, then I'd suggest that when sister picks up and you've said your Hellos, the first thing you do is WARN her that you need a listening ear and to vent, e.g., 'Can we do much-needed venting first and then solutions after?' (as she's obviously solutions-orientated). That way, she'll be prepared whereby you won't get her knee-jerk reaction (which, FYI, was her getting offended with you (feeling your pain) thus trying to defend you (and all mothers), but going overboard whereby it offended rather than supported you). My friends and I know to do that...even have a codeword for it ("Hiya - how's you?"/"Not so bad, thanks - you?" / "Brace-brace-brace" / "Why, what's happened?!"). Sometimes we don't even bother with the 'prenups' and just say, "Aaaaargh!...hi, by the way, but - aaargh!"). You can nick it if you want. :)

Thank you for that Soulmate. Sister just phoned and the moment I picked up & said hello I did not get any polite salutation or usual query. Just straight into 'we are getting a deluge both North and South and been told all bridges will be cut off for days'. I said 'oh no that sounds dreadful for you, her partner and the dogs. Do you have enough supplies like medical, food, water, batteries and the like?' She said 'yep. are you going to the Doc on the 7th as planned?'. I said 'Unfortunately I had to cancel Doc as Vet finally had a space come up due to a cancellation and I needed to take it as doggy still isn't well'. Instantly she goes 'Jesus Christ what is wrong with you? You're useless'. I'm afraid I do not find her manner acceptable at all EVER. No excuses. She is brash.

"She is brash." AND the rest! Anyway, I know she is - I remember from last time (yip - rumbled - I knew it was you from the start. However, before you panic: although you got a bit frustrated and snooty for a bit there - I see *distinct* improvements-plural in your manner and conduct so - WELL DONE - MUCH BETTER :)). And - not that we needed further confirmation - she's a bossy, controlling, low-empathied Narc, ergo, comes out with one of THE greatest Narc accusational hallmarks ever: "You're useless!". (Bet she throws that at her husband, as well.) Why? Just because doggy means everything to you and therefore takes precedence over your own medical appointment? It's called, Ability To Bond (functional Empathy). (What's up with Ria btw?) Still... TRY saying to her next time: Do you think you could be less brash and more understanding that this ISN'T just "a dog" to me - she's my baby and daughter's SIBLING. Saying that - was this doctor's appointment something you had to battle to get? Is that why Hippy-Lippy Blister is 'mad at you'?

PS: *She'd* throw Teddy. Oh, yes.

PPS: "She said 'yep." Not even, 'Yes, THANK-YOU' (for considering us and our safety/welfare). I dunno.... You've got more tolerance than me, that's for sure. Me, I'd have said, 'Oh, go uck yerself, ya rude bitch'. Actually (idea!) - can you start taping her conversations? Maybe she needs to hear herself back 'one day'. ?

Hello again and thank you for your response. Sister phoned today and she is actually going through an awful lot herself. We had a very long chat. I'm battling on. In case you're interested (perhaps not?) Our Mother is going downhill since her Stroke. Head Doctor of Dementia expects her to soon have another and even bigger than the first. She is having many falls. Now 82. Shuffle walking only now. In & out of Hospital then returned to the Nursing Home. She is even more aggressive since the removal of her antipsychotics. Slapping many Staff, Residents and Step Father. Gave one other patient a black eye. That woman is now deceased. Bonded with many patients. Lost all the originals on Mums ward including my personal favourite Katrina. She liked me for some unfathomable reason. I'm finding it all very weighty. Everything has fallen in my lap. Bro & Sis both living too far away gets them a 'get our of jail free card'. Step Father has gained a huge amount of weight, had a prostate cancer scare, has leg/knee issues needing operation so now has a walking stick, had one eye operated on (begged me to come and stay with him to help his recovery even though he hasn't helped us throughout our challenges) and soon will be going for his other eyes operation. He is losing it mentally. Shockingly forgetful. Stories on repeat yet each version altered somewhat. Loses his wallet, keys, walking stick, mobile phone (you get the picture) constantly. I have cleaned for him (had to stop due to my own health issues) but I cook for him. A month ago discovered many half siblings (bonded with one. We still keep in touch) and had a phone convo with my biological Father as he lay dying in the Hospital. Staff say he kept calling out our names (his original three had with Mum). Lived too far away for me to visit him. I attended his funeral online. My Aunt phoned to tell me that my cousin who I spent heaps of time with in my childhood had a burst aneurysm and was found on the kitchen floor on New Years Eve. She is in a coma and has pneumonia. Only 55. Not improving at all. Outlook bleak. My daughter has improved dramatically. Matured a lot. Will not visit her Grandmother at all. Hasn't for months. Since hearing via my Therapist about what she actually did to us three kids during our childhood, teenage years and even early adulthood. Meanwhile the gang in our neighbourhood (Drug Cartel) have gotten so out of control with break ins, domestic violence, threatening behaviours, disturbing our peace night and day hence I'm up typing this at 2:58 because of their attempts at getting in our place & being on our awning and riding Harley's through our courtyard at high speed with smoke billowing out of them at 3:20am in the morning. Before you ask...Police don't give a hoot! Was told they'll come out when/if they actually get in. Starting to wonder if our local boys in blue aren't in on the drug ring due to their lack of caring. A member of the gang got me from behind last January day time, I was home alone and going out to the bin. I was pretty messed up, bleeding arms, hands, knees, bruising everywhere and big egg on my head. I was rushed to hospital by ambulance and admitted over night. A sizable rock was found not far from me, two black masks, and a shattered ceramic ornament all over the courtyard. They just recently got in our yard at night & cut our outdoor Christmas lights. In conclusion I have several serious health issues. Avoiding having 4 operations. I refuse to have yet another operation and be away from my daughter and doggy (who frets when I go visit Mum for three hours) for weeks on end due to fear of the street gang. Step Father won't let her go stay there. I am an improved person. Put much effort in. Was loving the support of my Counsellor Sarah however the Govt only allows/Funds 10 one hour sessions per year. So I've been without her for a few months now. Soon we will be able to begin again (New Year yay!). Strangely through phone calls and FB some of Mums friends have taken me under their wing and I have never breathed a word to them about the behaviour of my Step Father but 3 have figured it out themselves so have started to keep in touch with me regularly. I needed friends and support. One has known me since I was 12 years of age. Also, The Head of Dementia Lady (her name is Tracey) has befriended me. I get warm, sincere, heart felt hugs and chats. She figured out what Mum was like prior to the Dementia all by herself. I have never told her anything about our childhood. She even buys my crafts from me for her Grandchildren. Another Resident (different Ward to Mum) who has her full mental faculties (there due to spinal motor vehicle injury she got run over and can't walk anymore or eat normal food) has befriended me. I visit with Joyce each time I visit with Mum. Often (prior to Mums Stroke) when Mum use to have lucid days I'd walk her out to Joyce (with Staff permission) and they'd have a good chin wag. I also sit with a lady named Liz (who isn't too far gone with Dementia at this stage) and I make a high tea for her and Mum to share on the balcony. Perhaps one day you'd be a bit proud of me Soulmate as I've come a long way. I do however get tired and frustrated with some people often. Once again Thank You for responding.

Heya! Sorry! Be with you asap ("pant-pant!") - I'm up against a deadline at the mo in RL (legal), but will be on tomorrow latest.

Sorry I wasn't on 'tomorrow' - I lost internet. Spain's a bit crap that way (still). I am interested and at the same time, not. I'm not fond of listening to the same problems over and over, I'm solutions orientated plus you're not powerless (unless you keep futilely trying measures that work only on *non* mentally-ill/-disordered or downright broken humans). If you've indeed made great strides - are you this time willing to implement and uphold boundaries and other counter-abuse measures, and this time, consistently?

PS: that last para, I mean - with your abusers (in-case you thought I meant here). E.g. letting Stepdud's manipulation- no, actually, downright Coercion attempt succeed by your going out to his car. (Me, I'd have waited for one of the neighbours to crack, drag him out of his car, and beat him up, lol.) Yeah, I am sorry about your Mam, btw. Do you want to have a scoot over to see what I pasted-in to ConfusedHippy's thread?...because, therein might well give you the closure you need... certainly by the sounds of it...but, anyway, symptoms of dementia and narcissism can be uncannily similar (albeit she sounds like she's always thought and behaved like that (including volatilely), maybe just to a lesser degree before dementia hit?... dunno, that's your say). It's my post, dated Dec 18 at 18.12pm: https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13993/i-feel-like-a-horrible-person-for-this See what tallies with your Mum, past and present, and let me know?