Think I should end things

Been with my BF for almost 3 years, we live together and have known eachother since school. Ive been feeling like we are at different stages of life recently especially since we have moved in together. Its like he is stuck at 15. I feel more like his mother than a GF. I recently found he'd been msg random people on socials sexting them and sending and asking for nudes. He tried to deny it and gaslight me into thinking its my fault. I know that if this was a friend's situation I would advise they end things. But idk how to approach things with him any more. He isn't mature so the conversation won't be nice at all and he often tries to spin things back on me. Feeling very lost.

Yep, you're right. you're with the wrong guy & you can see just how immature he is by his actions rather than his words. At the end of the day, you really don't owe him anything especially any explanations which he'll probably struggle to understand, but you owe it to yourself to end it & move on. It's not your fault if you guys don't share values & standards but you'll be happier with someone who respects you for who you are & someone who will put you on a pedestal rather than someone who will break you down by insulting your integrity. You're wise enough to advise any friend in an similar situation what to do, so be kind to yourself & walk away. Easy to say & hard to do but the sooner you make a move, the better off you will be.

Thank you. Its challenging to know when to do it and how to approach it. I think it weighs on me that he doesn't have a good relationship with his family so im not sure where he would go after the break up. It shouldn't impact my decision but its alot of pressure and guilt as he has moved his life here with me. But I said from the start he needs a back up and savings. He is awful with money so I doubt he has enough to live independently

Aye & at the end of the day part of you moving on is setting boundaries for yourself even if you still care for him. This guy won't give you closure as he doesn't respect you enough & so it's up to you to embrace the challenge of walking away completely. Of course the other side of the coin is to stay with him & work it out, hoping that he eventually matures up?? but guys like him are not likely to change no matter what they say. In any event, the one thing we all need to do in life is to be responsible for our own actions & that's a value we all need to share for a successful relationship to prosper no matter who we are & who we are with. You need to look out for yourself first & foremost as your post mentions three years of your life but it doesn't mention any love. Guilt? nope, it's your decency coming to the fore.

Earwigo again.... Hi Galaho4 :) Your Fault? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!........ridiculous upside-down-back-to-front boy. Although I appreciate we healthies aka functioning models, are bound to feel sorry for them. The good news is, they HATE that because it threatens their sense of superiority and Power Over. So there you go - you don't need to waste that energy! After all - did you hold a gun to his head to "make him do it"? Anyway, that guff is a classic Old Chestnut ("look what you made me do"). Google: Narcissistic Blame-Shifting and ...Stealing The Victim Cloak... and D.A.R.V.O. Your sub-type is Narcissistic Sociopath because he's not just a soul-syphoner, his Over-Entitlement and Arrogance/Grandiosity goes as far as, PREDATOR-PARASITE (but 'with a Jesus face/manner'). Famous Meme: No-one falls in love faster than a Narc needing a roof over his head. (- They forgot, 'free-of-charge'.) And: What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine. (Narc-S'path version: What's yours is mine and what's mine used to be yours.) Being homeless doesn't bother them. They don't WANT to be and live independently! Plus, they'll happily live in a bus-shelter or even up a tree when in-between Prey. They can wait perfectly happily because they know it won't be long before they find 'your replacement'. Normally, they don't even need to because - that's what the texting and sexting is all about: his ensuring he has a ready supply of oiled-and-ready safetynets-on-legs at all times in-case you ever reach the end of your tether and chuck him out. (Google Narcissistic/Sociopathic Harem.) No tree for him, despite he clearly climbed out of one.) You can solve your "over"-conscientiousness and -civilizing (and (google) Cognitive Dissonance in-one with this bestseller: https://www.mainstreetbookends.com/book/9781630268176 "What is a dangerous man? Most women would answer: one who is physically violent. But abusive behavior is often more insidious. Men who want mothers, not partners, who prey on lonely, passive women, who are mentally ill, addicted, or emotionally unavailable, or who won't go away when asked to leave all fall into this dangerous category. In this book women are encouraged to take responsibility for their own safety, are shown how to choose men wisely, and learn how not to make the same mistake twice. Thirteen chapters cover all the red flags of a dangerous man, offer stories of women's successes and failures dealing with each type, and provide safe ways to get out of a hazardous relationship. Armed with this valuable information, women have the tools they need to cultivate positive and healthy relationships with men." ______________________________ "This savvy, straightforward book pairs real women's stories with research and the expertise of a domestic violence counselor to help women of all ages identify Dangerous Men—before they become too involved. Brown describes eight types of Dangerous Men, their specific traits and characteristics. In separate chapters, she explores victim’s stories that tell how they came in contact with this type of Dangerous Man and their outcome. Brown then shows readers how to develop a Defense Strategy—how to spot, avoid, or rid themselves of this type of Dangerous Man. Brown explains women's innate "red flag" systems—how they work to signal impending danger, and why many women learn to ignore them. With red flags in hand, Brown then guides readers through their own personal experiences to develop a personalized "Do Not Date" list. With these tools, Brown shows women how they can spot and avoid patterns of engagement with Dangerous Men." https://www.google.com/search?q=sandra+L+brown+how+to+avoid+a+dangerous+man+before+you+get+involved&client=firefox-b-d&hs=SM7o&sca_esv=dfcf22ee523275c1&sxsrf=AE3TifP-AfwHqcjDECfFT0Op2JkyHtU9kg%3A1767746904043&ei=WK1dace_AtDCnsEP4fGIuQ4&ved=0ahUKEwjHy5KymviRAxVQoScCHeE4IucQ4dUDCBE&uact=5&oq=sandra+L+brown+how+to+avoid+a+dangerous+man+before+you+get+involved&gs_lp=Egxnd3Mtd2l6LXNlcnAiQ3NhbmRyYSBMIGJyb3duIGhvdyB0byBhdm9pZCBhIGRhbmdlcm91cyBtYW4gYmVmb3JlIHlvdSBnZXQgaW52b2x2ZWRI42xQvS5YnWdwBHgAkAEBmAG-AaAByAyqAQQwLjExuAEDyAEA-AEBmAIBoAJ9wgIEECEYCpgDAIgGAZIHAzAuMaAHoRayBwMwLjG4B33CBwMyLTHIBwOACAE&sclient=gws-wiz-serp "In How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved, Sandra L. Brown teaches women to avoid dangerous men by recognizing eight specific types, understanding their red flags, trusting their intuition, setting firm boundaries, and developing defense strategies to leave early, focusing on personality disorders like narcissism and psychopathy as core issues that can't be fixed. Key takeaways involve identifying personality traits, noticing early warning signs, and taking immediate action rather than trying to change them. Key Strategies from Sandra L. Brown's Book: Know the 8 Types of Dangerous Men: Brown details different profiles (e.g., narcissists, psychopaths) with specific traits and patterns. Listen to Your Gut: Brown emphasizes that women's innate "red flag" systems signal danger; learn to trust and not ignore these feelings. Set Strong Boundaries: Establish clear limits and enforce them to protect yourself from manipulation. Identify Early Warning Signs (Red Flags): Learn specific behaviors that signal potential danger, such as controlling tendencies, charm that feels too good to be true, or a lack of empathy. Recognize Unchangeable Disorders: Understand that personality disorders (like narcissism, psychopathy, borderline personality) are deeply ingrained and unlikely to change with love or therapy. Develop a Defense Strategy: Create a plan to spot, avoid, or quickly disengage from these men at the first sign of red flags. Create a "Do Not Date" List: Use the tools from the book to identify patterns and create your own personal list of red flags to avoid. In essence, the book provides practical tools to identify dangerous patterns early on, emphasizing self-protection and recognizing fundamental personality issues rather than trying to "fix" the man". __________________________ Note how this bloke, your pretend-boyfriend, seems so powerless, helpless and inept (and unemployable, I'll bet). And yet, he isn't any of those things when it comes to managing to con a woman into (I'm betting, prematurely) wanting him to move-in with her. Into HER PLACE. Funny, that. Neither does he have the attitude of a genuinely helpless bloke who can't rely on his own family to save him from homelessness (*allegedly* - they're Pathological Liars), because that would include GRATITUDE - or AT LEAST appreciation - and SHOWING IT. Him? He's thrown it all back in your face! In fact, he's going FURTHER than that. He's rubbing your face in his despotic over-entitlement, breaking of the relationship reles, live-in rules, and even COMMON DECENCY. Do not feel sorry for the poor wickle babyyyy, awwww. HE IS NOTHING LIKE! It's an act that he's played more times than you've had hot dinners, honed to make women feel responsible for him and, therefore, find the thought of "being so cruel as to" ask him to move out (sod-off), too daunting to manage. It worked beautifully, didn't it. ...Inept and vulnerable, my arse. You wait... he'll have another "relationship" (roof over his head) faster than you can say "WTF did SHE come from?!". (The wings, is the answer. She was probably there when you met him, but you were particularly-tasty Narc-Num-nums...better candidate to be his (google) Primary Narcissistic Supply/Supplier.) If I recall correctly, Sandra calls 'your' Narcissist, the Mamma's Boy. Do buy it urgently, because (1) it's not expensive any more despite it's a CRACKING read, and (2) you'll be both falling off your chair AND scrambling back up again, like lightning, due to the fact the author is spot-on "strumming your pain with her fingers" (- Roberta Flack's 'Killing Me Softly'). You'll go - "OMG, IT'S HIM, IT'S HIM!!!", or even wonder whether she was once one of his exes or at least knows him personally! Answer: nope...it's just that Narcs (each type or cocktail of types) really ARE like Carbon Copies. And PS: so next time a man or woman comes out with "Men/Women are all the bloody same!", know now that this is your Scooby Clue to the fact this person's been caught in the trap of dating nothing but one narc type after the other. The secret is to take TWICE the time it takes to get over a normal relationship, so that any Priming (incl subtle brainwashing) wears off completely whereby you are no longer attractive to a Narc - quite the opposite (hurrah!). Basically, this "Malcolm" manoeuvred you into the Mum position (found himself a home and living-expenses funding, no doubt), made himself comfy (at your expense), so now it's find myself a 'girlfriend' (free sex-toys) time. They abuse EVERYTHING: people, rules (even laws, the worst of his type), morals and taboos, sanctities..., not just their romantic partners. And turn everything to sh*t (google Narcissist - The Reverse Midas Touch). Addicted to/Abusing porn as well, is he? Basically, they're to-whatever-degree, irreversibly mal-programmed or broken machines but whose outrageously falsified adverts made you want to buy. Call Advertising Standards! To be safe (and not get injured or have your stuff nicked), you might have to trick him out. So I suggest you keep this thread open, and go into more detail about him and the fauxlationship (or read said book and report back), so that you feel you have 'someone beside you' (your secret weapon, making it two against one) through this whole process. We're not insta-responders, but it's only ever a case of By When (how many hours/days), not If. And that's good, in fact, because there's no fire here and panic and haste can make you make mistakes you later regret (e.g. "I forgot to hide my new laptop and the thieving bsstd took that with him as well!). How much money (in loans and upkeep) does he owe you (even just a rough idea)? PS: Call me crazy but - I'm getting whiffs of Irish? PPS: Ignore the stuff about lacking boundaries or firm enough ones. Your boundaries were just fine until this bozo. It's just, they crash boundaries or find any other holes in your perimeter fence (or create them) to sneak through. Not having firm enough boundaries *for dealing with a champion boundary-smashing Narc*, isn't the victim's problem. You'd need fortification like sodding Auchwitz to stop them getting in. Thoughts?

Hello GALOHO4. There is some wonderful advice above for you. The only thing I wished to say (not knowing your age not that this really makes a difference at all) is it took me years to realise that life really is way too short to spend it with the wrong person. Recovery time from a long term break up is hell! Eventually you turn a corner though and realise you did the right thing. If it is hurting you then it isn't love. Hope that isn't too harsh. A partner is just that. Thick and thin. Sick and sin. Supporting you both emotionally and physically. A relationship is a two way street. Not one person doing all the providing and showing real affection. I hope you don't stay unhappy for very long. What if the right person for you is out there? You'll never know if you stay with the wrong person.

Thank you all. Its helpful to have lots of perspectives. More context we are both 21 and this is his 1st relationship. Think im going to break up with him on the weekend. Although advice on how to approach things would be appreciated, do I list out the reasons or do I just say that this isn't working?

If he's inclined to throw it back in your face then it's the best to be polite & just tell him straight without the list. You of all people would know how to deal with him best. This is about your heart & if he doesn't feature in there somewhere in a positive vibe & if he doesn't contribute to your happiness, then it's best to just go, as it's your actions that will be doing the talking.

Hi again, Galaho4 - have you done it yet? Sorry I'm late - I've been a whole week without internet. If you haven't, and he asked for a list of reasons - try this: "I'd be here all day, especially as you claim not to know the bleedin' obvious...because, if that's true then that just adds ANOTHER giant reason on the list!".... and let him and his pee-wee brain find an objection around THAT "gotcha!". (*Owned*) Tried & Tested, btw. :) Or there's - "Because - you smell funny". He's not interested in reasons. Just openings for trying to talk you round (to draw the free rent out for ...basically, as long as you'll let him). If he were interested in ANYTHING you felt or thought, we wouldn't have been having this conversation. RSvP?

Think I should end things > Actually you should go the OTHER way - get CLOSER get a cheapo rings friendship rings you each have 1 (simulatin wedding) - watch the response it will either bring you together, or distance you - then you know