Don't have the words

If anybody would help me I'd be most grateful. I googled but I'm still not feeling satisfied with the suggestions. Awkward situation. My Cousin a lovely girl I spent most of my childhood playing with now a grown woman age 55 is fighting for life after a brain aneurysm. Now 9 days or so no response and zero positive change. She is going downhill. Today is her third operation on her brain to try and save her. She has pneumonia also. Prognosis bleak. Doctors are indicating there is little hope. The Family asked all of us to keep away and not hold up the phones so as to not miss any calls from the Hospital when they aren't there. Also they are by her side constantly. They did not wish to be disturbed. On day 5 my Aunt sent me a brief message. Saying my cousin had suffered tremendously with negative back to back outcomes of everything they've tried. She said there is little hope. Please pray for her. So I respected her wishes & did not phone or message. I've prayed for her every day. Today (regardless of request to leave them in peace to deal with the situation) my Step Father phoned her again! That makes 3 times! He said he needed to update my Aunt on her Sister. My Aunt was cross. However, my Aunt then sent a long message to my Sister. I wondered why she chose my Sister who has lived far away for many years whereas I'm right here only a few suburbs away. Sister said 'oh because I've been messaging her nearly every day'. Now I feel I was the only person to respect the Privacy Request however worry that the Family will think I don't care when I very much DO CARE. I can't get my darling cousins suffering out of my mind. I've picked my lip until it is split, blue with bruising and bleeding. Very sore. See the family became estranged for years due to my Mother's behaviour at my Aunt's husband (my Uncles who was a lovely man) Funeral. Long story short my warped Mum threw herself across the coffin & said heaps of stuff acting as though it was her husband. Then at the wake she got worse. I wasn't there. I didn't go. My Aunt knew I couldn't for private reasons. None of my siblings went either. We were not present for Mums show. My Aunt was FURIOUS! She rang everybody after the wake & a Family Tree style battle broke out. Sorry this is super long. But I need you all to understand the predicament I find myself in. I was the only person who stuck up for Mum. MIND YOU MY MOTHER WAS ABSOLUTELY OUT OF LINE & IN THE WRONG TO DO SUCH BEHAVIOUR! But as I told my Aunt on the phone we all know she has never been normal or quite right in the head. Therefore we must accept she has a Mental Illness and let it slide. Her 3 daughters and my Aunt did not forgive me for standing up for my Mother. For years they've been quipped, blunt, short with me since. I figured she had 4 Family Teams on her side & comforting my Aunt and my Mum was copping it Royally (she deserved it - YES) from everybody via her phone running hot! Mum would ring me in tears especially since my Bro & Sis sided with my Aunt and boycotted Mum for over a year. Saying she deserves what she got. I know this to be true. She's always out of line! So back to cousin. Do I make contact? If so PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME AS I'M SOCIALLY INEPT AND DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. I don't wish to sound basic, hollow or whatever. I'm scared to death of saying something wrong in this terrible time and situation. I care. I'm here if you need anything. Is all I can come up with. But it sounds too basic! So questions.... Should I make contact? How do I convey that I'm devastated and praying and holding hope that she pulls through? Late this afternoon Step Father rang & told me Aunt said 'there is no hope now'. My Aunt last spoke to me (briefly & curt) 2 years ago at my Mums Nursing Home. I have always kept sending Birthday Cards, Christmas Cards etc and gifts for my cousins children. Nothing got acknowledged and there was zero thanks for anything. I'd appreciate any advice at this point. I LOVE MY COUSIN.

What an usual family you have, but at the end of the day, it's not about you, however thoughtful you have been, it's about your very ill cousin. In times like this it's not so much about words, it's about actions which go along way in the awkward situation that you find yourself in. Your Aunt has asked you to please pray for your cous; that's all the input she expects from you. You need to follow your gut & do what it tells you is the right thing to do; but if you appreciate any advice, it'd be to stay well away as requested.

Thank you for responding and giving of your valuable time. You've given me food for thought. I am well aware that is NOT about me. I just wish to be careful and do the right thing always. I decided last night before reading your response here to go with my gut and stay well away as requested. I pray for every evening. She is not ever out of my thoughts. Most dreadful thing to ever hit our family. Our losses have always been elderly folk over 80 years old. So this has hit all of us hard. I was fearful that my obeying her request (staying out of it) would be seen as not caring. Because even though Step Father & Sister were asked the same well they keep phoning &/or messaging my Aunt. However, I spoke to my Sister in law today. She is sad like me but obeyed Aunts request made to her also to leave them to their privacy. So I'm glad I did now. As a Mother I am devastated for my Aunt, so sad for my cousins husband (a fantastic guy) and gutted for her only child. Her son. Whom she went to hell & back to conceive with IVF. PS I did not realise that my family is so very unusual? I have friends who have complicated families also.

Que? Yes, you did, Hippymom, because I told you many times under your past aliases that your whole family consists of Narcs of varying degrees, and victims. But anyway - just something to point out, quickly: "though Step Father & Sister were asked the same well they keep phoning &/or messaging my Aunt." That....does NOT demonstrate their greater care! Au contraire, it just shows their DEFIANCE (a la, 'You can't tell ME not to do X - if I want to I will, and I wasn't gonna ANYWAY, so now that you've DARED think you can order ME around like that, I'm going to deliberately DO it and get on your nerves and add to your stress-load!' Basically. You're respecting their important wishes and that will be even MORE obvious by-comparison with Blister, to your cousin's whole family.

Sorry - by-comparison with Stepdud, not Blister (I'm having to rush).

Step Father phoned me to tell me how he yet again at 9am this morning phoned my Aunt. Through her tears she yelled at him for the constant messages and phone calls. He said to her 'it isn't a nice way to die is it?' and wonders why she then broke down and dropped the phone. Staff told him how my cousin is on life support and going down hill fast. He then phoned my Sister and she said 'I'm going to contact our Aunt right now and find out exactly how long it will be before she passes as I'd have to make arrangements to fly down for the funeral. I really don't want to make the trip and waste more money as we've been spending a lot over Christmas/New Year and I realised soon Mum is going to go. Can't keep flying down for funerals. Maybe she'll put it online for us.' At this point all I am doing is shaking my head every so often in total disbelief at everything. My chest is really heavy and I long to just hold my Aunt give her a big embrace. So that is the update.

I titled this 'Don't have the words' however now I think I should change it to 'I'm going to crack'. Less than one hour later there is continuous horn tooting from outside my home. Still thinking about my cousin I didn't look out. Nor did my head connect any dots. Then my mobile begins to phone and I answer. Step Father is outside in the car demanding he needs help with more paperwork and to get my daughter up to come with him now to the JP to witness his signature. I yelled at him down the phone. He doesn't compute. There is something missing. This monkey needs to be in a cage & fed via a long pole. I just can't do this anymore! I WILL NEVER be able to fathom the members of this extended Family and their total lack of social graces, manners etc. I'm actually going to get a cup of tea & try to exhale because my heart is racing with frustration and anger. Just how can some human beings be so clueless and selfish?

PS He (Step Father) phoned me another two times from my local shops I ignored it & didn't pick up. I now know afterwards where he was. I was busy losing my balance and having a spell in the kitchen realising I'd forgotten to take my meds. Due to my NOT instantly answering him he YET AGAIN turned up outside my place & sat in the car tooting (second time today). Waking the whole neighbourhood early on a Sat morning. I had no choice but to go out to the car. On the way to the curb I lost my balance which he saw from his seat. He said 'oh dear looking a bit paley whaley'. Then said how he wants both myself and my daughter to come with him in the car NOW to help him fill out more paper work and see the JP to witness who was currently available at the shops. My daughter does all computer & paper work for him yet he is Guardian & Financial/Administrator/Enduring Power of Attorney/Executor for Mum (his wife). All of these responsibilities were given to him at the QCAT Tribunal Meeting. I lost. He had a lawyer. I represented myself. He gave us no notification of his intention today. He just turns up in car & toots the horn up to 7 times in a row. Demanding I attend him NOW. I said no that won't be happening and turned on my heels and went straight back inside. I didn't even look back. A few seconds later he drove off scraped the curb with the side of the car. Same with phone. If I don't answer he continues to ring over & over & over. Then starts on my daughter's mobile even when working. Both of us have asked him to stop. He has ZERO BOUNDARIES & ZERO COMPREHENSION of what is normal/acceptable behaviour. Trust me I've attempted to put him in his place one thousand times. He calls me an A...hole and hangs up or drives away. Then he goes straight back to repeating the same behaviours. There is so much more I could tell of what he's been doing to me. Like stealing any gift I bring my Mum and throwing it out. 2.5 years of hell! THANK YOU QCAT! A board of men (not a single woman present) made this decision because the old man turned on tears (never seen him cry a drip in 33 years!). Then he signed on the dotted line laughed & said 'MAGIC'. Then to me as leaving 'sorry got it all you best buy a lottery ticket because when I've gotten rid of your Mother's stuff and bought what I want you'll get oh perhaps one dollar' then chuckles. He has indeed done all of what he said he would. Her WILL is null & void. Her bank accounts are empty. He had her declared non compos mentis. My fingers are way too swollen & hurting now from arthritis to type what he did to me in cahoots with my Brother. That plan however failed. Before her Dementia kicked in she'd shown us her WILL. We were to get a third of one million plus a portion of my Grandparents estate they entrusted my Mother to pass on to us. She gave me $1000 in an envelope and said this is from your Grandparents and this will suffice. She was their Enduring Power of Attorney & Executor of their Will. What I do know (from relatives telling me) is that they didn't get what was to be theirs either. She sold Grandparents house & car. Then gave them what she considered 'fair'. Her siblings expected her to rip them off. None contested. All very well-heeled people. Stated they didn't need it anyways. She said as she cared for Grandad for a few months in her home and helped pack their furniture etc up then she deserved a larger portion than anybody else. Step Father agreed with her whole heartedly. HEY MANALONE...as I type this I now agree and concede. Hit with the realisation that I have a very UNUSUAL FAMILY. That is putting it mildly.

Yes, we know your story and the details of all the characters from all of your past threads. (Manalone recognised you as well.) It's horrid to have to say, but, HM/DD, your freedom from him will happen once your Mum passes. Everyone knows, now, that the only way to avoid being systematically injured is to completely avoid *them*. Cut ties. Zero Contact, Amen. (But, no, you DID have a choice, not to go outside to talk to him. If he wakes the neighbours, that's HIS problem, and theirs with him (as the peace-breaker), because you can't control who chooses to drive up to your house, can you! So you can't be blamed. Unfortunately, to get your fair share of your Mum's will, requires you to see a solicitor. Surely, as you're already "on Disability", you qualify for Legal Aid?

That 'man' is truly repulsive and obnoxious, btw. Was he violent prior to getting old, do you know?

Say it WITHOUT words WITH a plant - watch it grow (and flower) available from local garden centre