I thought I got a closure instead I had a story

F(30) In 2017, I was studying abroad and was in a relationship. I was generally happy and content with my boyfriend. Ours was not a dramatic or cinematic beginning we were introduced by a friend, gradually connected, and started dating. There were a few things I wanted in the relationship that he did not provide, but they were not deal-breakers. He was a year senior to me. Parallel to this, something else had been unfolding since 2015, around the time my relationship began. A man from a different nationality and ethnicity already casually involved with a white woman and senior to my boyfriend started noticing me. I sensed it but did not give it importance. There were a few brief interactions, two or three times, nothing significant. In 2017, during a college-organized trip, we ended up on the same bus. That day, he made it unmistakably clear without directly saying it that he was interested in me. I found it shocking and uncomfortable. I did not respond, encourage, or engage. After that, his behavior escalated. He prank-called me, followed me around campus, appeared repeatedly at places where I ate or spent time, even when I was with my boyfriend. I informed my boyfriend, framing it as something he should be aware of, though I said it was not serious. His response surprised me he questioned why anyone would approach me at all. I assumed it came from insecurity and let it go. A month later, while I was having lunch with my boyfriend at a restaurant, this man arrived with a friend and deliberately sat at the adjacent table, engaging in attention-seeking behavior. That day, what had been ambiguous became obvious to both of us. It was his final academic year, and we assumed he would leave soon. However, until then, the behavior continued persistent staring, following, always being nearby. He never spoke to me directly, but his interest was widely known within both his ethnic group and mine. Over time, it began to affect me deeply. He altered his routines to match mine, started eating the same food I did, became close friends with people from my ethnic group, and even expressed disapproval nonverbally about my clothing. His constant gaze made me feel watched and unsafe. I never confronted him; I was afraid. Eventually, his demeanor changed. The intense, unsettling looks softened into something that appeared sad marked by longing and hurt. Around the same time, something shifted in me. Whether it was prolonged ambiguity, the surrounding environment, or the sustained psychological pressure, I cannot say. At that age, I did not have the language to recognize stalking or its effects. I began to believe I had feelings for him. A week later, I left for vacation, knowing I might never see him again. On my last day, I noticed him looking at me with an expression I still struggle to describe. Even my best friend remarked that he seemed genuinely hurt. When I returned to the university, I felt empty. I could not explain why. Perhaps the prolonged stimulation and hypervigilance made his absence feel like withdrawal. Perhaps I believed I had lost a potential love story. Meanwhile, my boyfriend became more affectionate, attentive, and secure, no longer needing to remain vigilant. Despite this, I felt suffocated. I reached out to the other man through social media not to pursue a relationship, but seeking clarity, hoping to understand whether what I felt had any basis in reality. He replied briefly, then left me on read. That silence affected me deeply. Consumed by guilt over what felt like emotional infidelity, I confessed everything to my boyfriend. I cried, asked him to leave me, and admitted my confusion. He responded with understanding, acknowledging that the past year had been difficult and that he too had not handled it well. He chose to stay, suggesting we rebuild the relationship at my pace. That conversation brought me relief, and I began to heal. Two months later, the other man began uploading recordings of himself reciting poetry every Friday drunk, tearful, visibly devastated. The poems were in his native language, which I did not understand at the time. A friend suggested I save them, and I did, without fully knowing why. Life moved on. A year later, he unfollowed me. I felt strange but remained stable. During COVID, I returned home, my relationship grew stronger, and I came to understand that love is not intensity or longing, but companionship and resilience. Three years later, he got engaged and married. I felt nothing. Before his marriage, he re-recorded the same poems in a sober state and archived them. I had already deleted the earlier recordings long before. Recently, while waiting for residency to begin and having more time for reflection, this chapter resurfaced. Years ago, I had no means to understand the poetry. Now, with access to AI translation, I read them. I did not expect them to affect me but they did. The poems expressed longing, regret over not speaking earlier, acceptance of distance, and reflections on what remained unsaid between us. This disrupted my long-held closure narrative that he was merely seeking thrill or ego gratification. The poems suggested otherwise. At the same time, I reflected on how that period affected my life. I made academic decisions that cost me significantly, while he progressed without delay. Though he initiated everything, I bore the heavier consequences. I do not wish punishment upon him, but I did not deserve the extent of what I lost. What troubles me is not love or desire I do not want him, nor do I love him. What troubles me is the lost time, the emotional toll, the grief, and the asymmetry of impact. Someone entered my life forcefully, altered my emotional state, and exited untouched. I recognize that he left a psychological imprint on me perhaps due to timing, age, or vulnerability. I may always remember him, not out of love, but because something in me was activated and reshaped. At times, I wonder whether he ever remembers me, even briefly. I do not know the answer, and I resent the fact that I care about that question. I suspect it is ego rather than affection. Ultimately, I am left asking: What was this? And whether it is normal to remember something without emotional attachment and whether complete erasure is even possible.

Sorry for the delay, Calotropis - bear with us and I and/or someone else will respond just as soon as we can.

Actually, I'm going to make it easier for everyone to read, by copying/pasting your opening post but adding paragraph breaks as without them, it's quite claustrophobic and dizzying... (although that could just be me?). I'll try not to take in any information because it's handier if I read them without a preview in order to get the full impact of shocks/surprises/whatever feelings.... _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ CALOTROPIS'S OPENING POST: F(30) In 2017, I was studying abroad and was in a relationship. I was generally happy and content with my boyfriend. Ours was not a dramatic or cinematic beginning we were introduced by a friend, gradually connected, and started dating. There were a few things I wanted in the relationship that he did not provide, but they were not deal-breakers. He was a year senior to me. Parallel to this, something else had been unfolding since 2015, around the time my relationship began. A man from a different nationality and ethnicity already casually involved with a white woman and senior to my boyfriend started noticing me. I sensed it but did not give it importance. There were a few brief interactions, two or three times, nothing significant. In 2017, during a college-organized trip, we ended up on the same bus. That day, he made it unmistakably clear without directly saying it that he was interested in me. I found it shocking and uncomfortable. I did not respond, encourage, or engage. After that, his behavior escalated. He prank-called me, followed me around campus, appeared repeatedly at places where I ate or spent time, even when I was with my boyfriend. I informed my boyfriend, framing it as something he should be aware of, though I said it was not serious. His response surprised me he questioned why anyone would approach me at all. I assumed it came from insecurity and let it go. A month later, while I was having lunch with my boyfriend at a restaurant, this man arrived with a friend and deliberately sat at the adjacent table, engaging in attention-seeking behavior. That day, what had been ambiguous became obvious to both of us. It was his final academic year, and we assumed he would leave soon. However, until then, the behavior continued persistent staring, following, always being nearby. He never spoke to me directly, but his interest was widely known within both his ethnic group and mine. Over time, it began to affect me deeply. He altered his routines to match mine, started eating the same food I did, became close friends with people from my ethnic group, and even expressed disapproval nonverbally about my clothing. His constant gaze made me feel watched and unsafe. I never confronted him; I was afraid. Eventually, his demeanor changed. The intense, unsettling looks softened into something that appeared sad marked by longing and hurt. Around the same time, something shifted in me. Whether it was prolonged ambiguity, the surrounding environment, or the sustained psychological pressure, I cannot say. At that age, I did not have the language to recognize stalking or its effects. I began to believe I had feelings for him. A week later, I left for vacation, knowing I might never see him again. On my last day, I noticed him looking at me with an expression I still struggle to describe. Even my best friend remarked that he seemed genuinely hurt. When I returned to the university, I felt empty. I could not explain why. Perhaps the prolonged stimulation and hypervigilance made his absence feel like withdrawal. Perhaps I believed I had lost a potential love story. Meanwhile, my boyfriend became more affectionate, attentive, and secure, no longer needing to remain vigilant. Despite this, I felt suffocated. I reached out to the other man through social media not to pursue a relationship, but seeking clarity, hoping to understand whether what I felt had any basis in reality. He replied briefly, then left me on read. That silence affected me deeply. Consumed by guilt over what felt like emotional infidelity, I confessed everything to my boyfriend. I cried, asked him to leave me, and admitted my confusion. He responded with understanding, acknowledging that the past year had been difficult and that he too had not handled it well. He chose to stay, suggesting we rebuild the relationship at my pace. That conversation brought me relief, and I began to heal. Two months later, the other man began uploading recordings of himself reciting poetry every Friday drunk, tearful, visibly devastated. The poems were in his native language, which I did not understand at the time. A friend suggested I save them, and I did, without fully knowing why. Life moved on. A year later, he unfollowed me. I felt strange but remained stable. During COVID, I returned home, my relationship grew stronger, and I came to understand that love is not intensity or longing, but companionship and resilience. Three years later, he got engaged and married. I felt nothing. Before his marriage, he re-recorded the same poems in a sober state and archived them. I had already deleted the earlier recordings long before. Recently, while waiting for residency to begin and having more time for reflection, this chapter resurfaced. Years ago, I had no means to understand the poetry. Now, with access to AI translation, I read them. I did not expect them to affect me but they did. The poems expressed longing, regret over not speaking earlier, acceptance of distance, and reflections on what remained unsaid between us. This disrupted my long-held closure narrative that he was merely seeking thrill or ego gratification. The poems suggested otherwise. At the same time, I reflected on how that period affected my life. I made academic decisions that cost me significantly, while he progressed without delay. Though he initiated everything, I bore the heavier consequences. I do not wish punishment upon him, but I did not deserve the extent of what I lost. What troubles me is not love or desire I do not want him, nor do I love him. What troubles me is the lost time, the emotional toll, the grief, and the asymmetry of impact. Someone entered my life forcefully, altered my emotional state, and exited untouched. I recognize that he left a psychological imprint on me perhaps due to timing, age, or vulnerability. I may always remember him, not out of love, but because something in me was activated and reshaped. At times, I wonder whether he ever remembers me, even briefly. I do not know the answer, and I resent the fact that I care about that question. I suspect it is ego rather than affection. Ultimately, I am left asking: What was this? And whether it is normal to remember something without emotional attachment and whether complete erasure is even possible. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Hopefully that's more 'welcoming' to everyone's eyes? And myself - "I'll beee bach"...

Thanks ❤️

You're welcome! :) ...Bloody least I could do, given how unresponsive we are at the mo! Anyhoo - without any further ado (and, not reading ahead), let me dive straight in and we can chat/discuss afterwards... "F(30) In 2017, I was studying abroad and was in a relationship. I was generally happy and content with my boyfriend." So you were living there as an overseas student for what period - 1, 2, 3 years? (What were you studying, out of interest?) "Ours was not a dramatic or cinematic beginning we were introduced by a friend, gradually connected, and started dating." Okay. Thereby is a revealing that the relationship before this had a cinematic beginning (or you're aware it's one of the Red Flags perhaps?). "There were a few things I wanted in the relationship that he did not provide, but they were not deal-breakers." I'll be the judge of that, cheers. What were they? "He was a year senior to me." Noted. "Parallel to this, something else had been unfolding since 2015, around the time my relationship began. A man from a different nationality and ethnicity already casually involved with a white woman and senior to my boyfriend started noticing me." He presumably was aware you were already taken? Because that's a humungous Red Flag if ever there was one! (Healthy men don't want to share their partner with someone else!) So already, I don't like him (spits). "I sensed it but did not give it importance." Ah-hah. With his (clearly UN-healthy) type, that would have made you a great big juicy challenge. "There were a few brief interactions, two or three times, nothing significant." Ditto. So you didn't fancy him, then. Because you fancied your boyfriend and he wasn't perfect but IYO passed muster. Got it. "In 2017, during a college-organized trip, we ended up on the same bus." Aww, sh*t. That means Fate deliberately plonked him on your path. (I'll explain later.) "That day, he made it unmistakably clear without directly saying it that he was interested in me. I found it shocking and uncomfortable." You found it shocking and uncomfortable. So this was less 'flirting' and more 'violating boundaries and decency'? Got it!...and - true to his type. "I did not respond, encourage, or engage." OH, I BELIEVE YOU. Don't worry about that. "After that, his behavior escalated." Because you RRRRRRRRE-JEC-TED HIM (how verray DARE hyou!) "He prank-called me, followed me around campus, appeared repeatedly at places where I ate or spent time, even when I was with my boyfriend." This already is starting to sound like bullying diguised as romantic-sexual interest. Wowzers. "I informed my boyfriend, framing it as something he should be aware of," OF COURSE! "though I said it was not serious. His response surprised me he questioned why anyone would approach me at all." HUH?! Oh great... TWO tw*ts, just different flavours?! "I assumed it came from insecurity and let it go." YUP. Common mistake. THE most common, in fact. What women DON'T know, however, is that you cannot succeed a relationship (that's any joy for the woman) with a deeply insecure type any more than you can with a Narcissist - because Insecurity, over and above the Normal degree, regardless of whether it's neurotic or malignant, is an impossible obstruction. Without mutual trust, it's Game Over before it's begun. "A month later, while I was having lunch with my boyfriend at a restaurant, this man arrived with a friend and deliberately sat at the adjacent table, engaging in attention-seeking behavior." This 'guy' sounds like he's actually unhinged! "That day, what had been ambiguous became obvious to both of us." So what did Boyfriend say and do? "It was his final academic year, and we assumed he would leave soon." Ohhh, you both buried your heads and assumed he'd go away. Yup... you and the rest of normal humanity. "However, until then, the behavior continued persistent staring," That's Aggression...Intimidation and Harrassment! You could have gone to see your local Police at this point. (I had that 2 years ago. Guy tried to pick me up (was with a friend at a restaurant)...even invited himself to sit down with us...until I explained we hadn't seen each other for years so please could he return to his own table/friends, please, thank-you. Cue Eyeball competition. I said to friend, "dish prat djon't nnknow mee tchoo wew, do he" (-Bugs Bunny) and commenced (because I'm not scared of turning on my aggression when needed) to stare back. I won. GOD knows how I failed to blink for so long but - Needs Must, I guess. I did - however - prepare back-up before said eyeball competition, by informing the waiter to keep an eye on him as well. You and boyfriend aren't so acquainted with your Inner Animals, though, evidently. I guess THAT'S why Fate plonked this aggressor onto your plate/joint plate. A lesson not to be ashamed of your own, healthy, inner psychopath (we all have one...we just don't bring them out these days...because we're supposed to be CIVILISED, not animal, any more. Well, most of us.) "following," Stalking. "always being nearby." Ditto. "He never spoke to me directly," Ditto. "but his interest was widely known within both his ethnic group and mine." His ETHNIC group? Explain, please? "Over time, it began to affect me deeply." Yes. It does. You don't understand why because, consciously, you're thinking, WHAT A PRAT OF A LUNATIC!, and brushing it off, but your inner naked ape? She's ringing the alarm bells and going crazy in her cage to be let out and deal with him. Puts you into Cognitive Dissonance (AND the rest). It's Water Torture. The first few drips seems unimportant/trivial, don't they just. And then, before you know it, you're feeling anxious and highly skittish all the time and wailing, WHY WON'T HE JUST EFF-OOOOFFF!? Answer: because he's morally and socially insane. Anti-Social Personality Disorder (OR comes from a culture of male-female entitlement and abuse? RSvP?) "He altered his routines to match mine," BLOODY HELL! "started eating the same food I did," HE'S OBSESSED! "became close friends with people from my ethnic group," Fffff****ck! "and even expressed disapproval nonverbally about my clothing." WOAH!!!! "His constant gaze made me feel watched and unsafe." DAMN RIGHT! Even a Police Officer (off-duty) would have felt freaked-out by now! "I never confronted him; I was afraid." Course. That was his aim. If you don't want him, he's going to 'teach you a lesson'. (Which fecking country/culture does this guy COME from?!) "Eventually, his demeanor changed. The intense, unsettling looks softened into something that appeared sad marked by longing and hurt." Aggression didn't work - time to change Coercion Tools. The Pity Ploy (in actions). "Around the same time, something shifted in me. Whether it was prolonged ambiguity, the surrounding environment, or the sustained psychological pressure," That one. But it's perfectly common for women to attempt to turn Foe into Friend. It's how they roll (thanks to their upbringing/conditioning). "I cannot say. At that age, I did not have the language to recognize stalking or its effects. I began to believe I had feelings for him." Oh, good - you're aware and on my page! :) "A week later, I left for vacation, knowing I might never see him again. On my last day, I noticed him looking at me with an expression I still struggle to describe. Even my best friend remarked that he seemed genuinely hurt." Yeah, great actors, aren't they. (Not really...they've just played the same theatre character, daily for decades.) "When I returned to the university, I felt empty. I could not explain why." Because he had Primed you to become addicted to the adrenaline, hence normality suddenly felt like the weird one (reality). " Perhaps the prolonged stimulation and hypervigilance made his absence feel like withdrawal." Oh! HAHA! I'll shut up, then. :D "Perhaps I believed I had lost a potential love story." Nah. Coercion, followed by Love-Bombing in a Pity Ploy fashion. "Meanwhile, my boyfriend became more affectionate, attentive, and secure, no longer needing to remain vigilant. Despite this, I felt suffocated." Did he go from 1st to 6th Gear too rapidly? "I reached out to the other man through social media not to pursue a relationship, but seeking clarity, hoping to understand whether what I felt had any basis in reality. He replied briefly, then left me on read. That silence affected me deeply." Uh-huh. Because he could see the tables had turned and he could sit back and play you the last few feet into his waiting net. Again - common stuff. Oh dear. "Consumed by guilt over what felt like emotional infidelity, I confessed everything to my boyfriend. I cried, asked him to leave me, and admitted my confusion. He responded with understanding, acknowledging that the past year had been difficult and that he too had not handled it well. He chose to stay, suggesting we rebuild the relationship at my pace. That conversation brought me relief, and I began to heal." Oh! Well, GOOD ON HIM...very emotionally mature and intelligent response (Gold Star!). Okay, he's forgiven, haha. "Two months later," So I'm presuming you hadn't messaged Stalker since his inappropriately over-brief response? Hence... ..."the other man began uploading recordings of himself reciting poetry every Friday drunk, tearful, visibly devastated." Uuuurgh. What's to be devastated over? Guy doesn't even KNOW you! It's just Ham-acting. (He's definitely a Narc-Sociopath; they're not as clever at acting and calculating as Narc-Coverts, -Covert-Vulnerables and -Psychopaths.) "The poems were in his native language," Devilonian? "which I did not understand at the time. A friend suggested I save them, and I did, without fully knowing why." Evidence? "Life moved on. A year later, he unfollowed me. I felt strange but remained stable." WELL DONE!!! (Gold Star for you too!) "During COVID, I returned home, my relationship grew stronger, and I came to understand that love is not intensity or longing, but companionship and resilience." (Here - just have the whole sheet of sticky Stars!) Interjection: Either you ignore properly...or you counter-aggress properly. Just - PROPERLY is the key. Well done again - seriously. You dodged a giant bullet! "Three years later, he got engaged and married. I felt nothing." PHEW! "Before his marriage, he re-recorded the same poems in a sober state and archived them. I had already deleted the earlier recordings long before." You mean YOU archived them? (PS: NEVER delete this stuff. They're like bad pennies...can turn up years, even decades later!) "Recently, while waiting for residency to begin and having more time for reflection, this chapter resurfaced. Years ago, I had no means to understand the poetry. Now, with access to AI translation, I read them." "I did not expect them to affect me but they did." That's not unusual. "The poems expressed longing, regret over not speaking earlier, acceptance of distance, and reflections on what remained unsaid between us." What, like - "YOOOU'RE NOT GOING OUT WEARING THAT! - GO AND CHANGE!"? "This disrupted my long-held closure narrative that he was merely seeking thrill or ego gratification. The poems suggested otherwise." Yeh! *Love-Bombing!* "At the same time, I reflected on how that period affected my life. I made academic decisions that cost me significantly, while he progressed without delay. Though he initiated everything, I bore the heavier consequences. I do not wish punishment upon him, but I did not deserve the extent of what I lost." Spoken like a true victim of a Narc-Spath. If you reject them (regardless of whether at mere Hello stage or after a period of dating) - they want to punish you, leave you destroyed. Famous meme: Narcissistic Sociopaths don't end their relationships, they end their partners. "What troubles me is not love or desire I do not want him, nor do I love him. What troubles me is the lost time, the emotional toll, the grief, and the asymmetry of impact. Someone entered my life forcefully, altered my emotional state, and exited untouched." YYYYYYYup. Welcome to the Club. "I recognize that he left a psychological imprint on me perhaps due to timing, age, or vulnerability." That one and the first one. "I may always remember him, not out of love, but because something in me was activated and reshaped." YYYYYup. "At times, I wonder whether he ever remembers me, even briefly." NNNNNope. Well, maybe fleetingly. "I do not know the answer, and I resent the fact that I care about that question. I suspect it is ego rather than affection." Sense of Justice? (Why so hard on yourself, Gunga Din?) "Ultimately, I am left asking: What was this?" A near-miss with a narcissistic controller-destroyer, equalling a shake-up. Next time, just go straight to the Police - AND the University staff! (He'd have been chucked out.) "And whether it is normal to remember something without emotional attachment and whether complete erasure is even possible." Yes and yes. Thoughts now? I 'owe you one' so be as detailed and lengthy as you like/need. :) PS: that incredible patience and stamina of yours are worth looking at more closely in terms of career choice (now that you've 'woken up' to them). What route are you on, currently? I'm betting it's beneath you (and that this was the lesson/signpost).

PS: I'm a techie duh-brain... please could you explain how you put that heart in? PPS: End scene of "When Harry Met Sally"... long-happily-married couples describing how they got together in the beginning... Not that they're "perfect", all of them, but the point is - NOT ONE of them has a conversation that goes ANYTHING like this (*spit*)... "He prank-called me," / "That's right, haha, I did..." "...followed me around campus," / "Haha, I followed her EVERYWHERE..." "appeared repeatedly at places where I ate or spent time," / "I just COULDN'T STAY AWAY, haha!..." "...even when I was with my boyfriend." / "Oh, HE didn't bother me....I wanted her so I was gonna get her and that was that, haha!" Fffffffffffffunny, that, doncha think? You didn't just dodge a bullet, you dodged a Nuclear Missile! PPPS: Wild hunch. Were you by any chance both doing the same course, with you consistently superior to him in terms of course marks/success?

Tsk - sorry - forgot the Harry-Sally link! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzi2G68CMiE PPPPS: To get closure, takes studying up on him/his type. Then you understand what was REALLY going on...like someone suddenly turning the lights back on. And that's Closure. But from a safe distance. You can't get it from them because their pathological liars and it doesn't suit their present or future agenda.

PPP(etc.)S: He didn't come out unscathed, though. OOOH, no... Nnnope... Ask me (once you've responded to the above, where needs response) and I'll explain... Trust me, you scathed him and scathed him GOOD.

"So you were living there as an overseas student for what period - 1, 2, 3 years? (What were you studying, out of interest?)" Yes, I was an overseas student and lived there for 4.5 years. My major was medicine. My boyfriend and the psychopath were in the same major as well. My boyfriend was one year senior to me, and the psychopath was two years senior. "Okay. Thereby is a revealing that the relationship before this had a cinematic beginning (or you're aware it's one of the Red Flags perhaps?)." No, I meant that—like most girls at 20 years of age—I had certain expectations from my first relationship. I wanted the guy to genuinely like me, find me pretty, and approach me on his own, rather than it being a setup arranged by a friend. "I'll be the judge of that, cheers. What were they?" I know this may sound naive, but I wanted my boyfriend to appreciate me, especially in terms of my looks. I wanted him to compliment me often and express how happy he felt to have me in his life. "He presumably was aware you were already taken?" Yes, he was fully aware that I was taken. "Ah-hah. With his (clearly UN-healthy) type, that would have made you a great big juicy challenge." Yes, but at that time he didn’t actively come after me. He would just steal glances occasionally. "Aww, sh*t. That means Fate deliberately plonked him on your path." Yes. "You found it shocking and uncomfortable. So this was less 'flirting' and more 'violating boundaries and decency'? Got it!...and - true to his type." Yes, I don’t know exactly what made me uncomfortable—whether it was his gaze or the fact that he was consistent and persistent with it, despite clearly understanding that I wasn’t comfortable with his attention. "So what did Boyfriend say and do?" Yes, my boyfriend’s response really hurt me. I started wondering, “Why can’t someone approach me? Am I not pretty?” That’s what I thought. There were moments of insecurity that started from this conversation and continued during his pursuit, but they felt manageable—or maybe I was managing too much. I didn’t want trouble or gossip, and perhaps also because I am non-confrontational. Actually, it was something even more disrespectful. He took out his frustration on me and said, “fuck you, shut up.” I was flabbergasted by his audacity—especially since he said it in front of that psychopath. I wanted to throw the plate and leave the restaurant, but I restrained myself, thinking it would become obvious that we were not getting along. After we left the place, he apologized and said that at that moment he didn’t understand how to react or whom to react to. I really respect you and your courage, but honestly, I didn’t have that at that point in time. I was too afraid—of him and of the entire situation. I never thought of going to the police; I just wanted to stay out of everything. Also, my boyfriend was a loner with only one or two friends, whereas that guy had a large social group and visible support—from people of my nationality in his class as well as from his own nationality. At least, that’s how it appeared to me. I was afraid—too afraid of him. "His ETHNIC group? Explain, please?" He was from the Middle East (Jordan). "So I'm presuming you hadn't messaged Stalker since his inappropriately over-brief response?" No, never. Since he left me on read, I never messaged him afterward. "Devilonian?" Arabic. "You mean YOU archived them?" No, I had already deleted them long ago. He archived them on Instagram highlights by re-recording them later, when he was sober. "PS: NEVER delete this stuff. They're like bad pennies...can turn up years, even decades later!)" What do you mean by that? Could you elaborate?

Fffffffffffffunny, that, doncha think? Yes 😆 Thanks for the link though You didn't just dodge a bullet, you dodged a Nuclear Missile! Yeah I know but don't know why still resent everything

So sorry I got delayed again (have explained on the (now ironically-named) Xmas Muck-About Thread)...finally got a window. And now I Owe You TWO, haha. Wasting no more time... "Yes, I was an overseas student and lived there for 4.5 years. My major was medicine. My boyfriend and the psychopath were in the same major as well. My boyfriend was one year senior to me, and the psychopath was two years senior." 1. Surgeon. Go for it! The reason you're so well self-controlled is because you're afraid of your own inner psychopath, no matter that 'she's' healthy - because modern life makes her largely redundant....NOT!....AS YOU NOW SEE! Forget the fairy stories - some people are so empathy-less and stuffed full of unresolved/unresolvable issues and fury - and yet so cowardly that they only go for people smaller/weaker than them - hence are "men" that dare only bully WOMEN (or worse - children) - that they and their intention (or mere unwitting effect on victims) equate to whatever-degree of Evil ("Malignant Narcissist"). Animal. No heart, just childish ego and constant dog-eat-dog attitude. Like a perverse Pac-Man going from one victim to the next, whose prey will take only so much before turning Blue and lethally counter-aggressive. But a sane and healthy one makes for a superb Emergency worker or surgical consultant. What area of medicine are you in? 2. The insane psycho was on the same course. Thought so. Ask me how I suspected that, go on! Or just google "Malignant Narcissist - Pathological Envy" then something like "What things can make a Narcissist pathologically envious of a victim". (They can want you dead/injured just because you have nicer shoes, kid you not. They're seething kids in Grown-Up suits. But definitely if you're a superior specimen, whether by charisma or greater brains/skills/self-confidence AND not as physically big/strong. They simply use emotional attacks these more-civilised days....No Bruises, innit...except inevitably onwards from once they get you behind closed doors and you're now too scared to blow the whistle.) It sounds like he uses women as his Muse for his prose, regardless of whether they like or want it or not. It's still bullying a woman into a relationship, though...at some point, that deeply-conditioned-in, female survivalist urge to first try turning foe into friend, kicks in (whereupon she misinterprets this alien mindset, as her, sucumbing and falling for him). A heck of a lot of victims state they'd never fancied the Narc (of whichever gender) initially, or didn't even LIKE them, yet cannot actually explain how, nor pinpoint when, they then found themselves in a fauxlationship. 'He/She wore me down', they say. Luckily, you caught yourself; you're VERY self-aware and analytical (phew). So anyway. I'm betting either you strike as a powerful woman or you shone in class. And possibly many other things about you that he can never be/have nor copy (because those brainparts were broken or couldn't develop properly). No decent bloke would risk even being taken for a stalker. And healthy men build you up, not wear you down. "I wanted the guy to genuinely like me," WELL DONE for knowing that *liking* them is VITAL. (Did you work that out for yourself or have you (also, in combo) got good parent(s)?) You'd be surprised on how many people your age confuse lust for like (and then spend years regretting it). "I know this may sound naive, but I wanted my boyfriend to appreciate me, especially in terms of my looks. I wanted him to compliment me often and express how happy he felt to have me in his life." He was young back then, though, wasn't he. He's been maturing, since. Plus serependitiously having got to see it (the loon) for himself....there's no arguing with that. "Yes, but at that time he didn’t actively come after me. He would just steal glances occasionally." That's how they 'come after you' (phase 1). It's because they want to manipulate YOU to make the first move. That way, they can avoid blame when they later down the line reveal they were just using you (as a punching-bag as well as whatever else): "Well, you chased ME?!...I didn't even WANT a relationship but (blah-blah-twisty-blah)". Staring without approaching is just creepy. It didn't work so, rather than take the hint like a sane bloke would - he went to narc wearing-down phase 2: chasing (stalking/intimidating/trying to exert pressure from his/your peers) and just turning-up (violating and banging his chest in-front of your bf). Love-Bombing comes in many forms...But every type counts as 'wearing you down'. Oh, how romantic, not. ""Aww, sh*t. That means Fate deliberately plonked him on your path." Yes."" And it ended in you coming here for help with better closure, meeting me, who's now got it firmly in their head (from a bombardment of sensory info you aren't even aware you're giving out, tee hee) that it's a railway junction meant to re-direct you and your talents, your little train-carriage, to something higher/braver,... like, Emergency Surgeon, because you're capable of keeping your head and courage where too many others aren't, are hard to intimidate, and are into medicine. ...Hmm. Makes ya think, eh! :) "Yes, I don’t know exactly what made me uncomfortable—whether it was his gaze or the fact that he was consistent and persistent with it, despite clearly understanding that I wasn’t comfortable with his attention." It's because of your healthy, downright powerful, inner psycho (every part of our evolving brains got added to/built on, not deleted). She has amazing senses so could TELL you were in the presence of an, at least emotionally dangerous, social predator, even if Conscious You, and sent the sensory signal (feeling "Ooo-er!" but simultaneously, increasingly morbidly fascinated). And yes, it's primarily in his gaze but in combo with the inappropriate of actions and body-lingo. Common response of an Empath (v sensitive) with analytical skills. Empaths are Good Psychopaths aka Heroes if they're astonishingly brave with it. Think of Firemen - who run into the building everyone else is running OUT of. And their not even motivated like milder people (by having genes in-common with those who need rescuing), they rescue ANY people. Same as surgeons. You're a BIG person so you need a BIG job/career. Just holding down a uni course is hard enough. But then adding a relationship AND-AND-AND DEALING WITH A PREDATOR WHO'S UNDELIABLY ON THE WARPATH yet still succeeding at your course?...and overall (until bf realised), on your own?! COME. ONNNN. You're a little powerhouse in-the-making, you are. "Yes, my boyfriend’s response really hurt me. I started wondering, “Why can’t someone approach me? Am I not pretty?” That’s what I thought." Do you mean you thought - don't YOU find me pretty enough to be pursued per se? Tell him, becoming a narc's victim can, in truth, be nothing more a bad Lottery win ("It COULD-uh!....BEEE HIMMMMM!" (next)). So it wasn't even ABOUT looks. Just your shininess. Your HEART. Your calibre. "There were moments of insecurity that started from this conversation and continued during his pursuit, but they felt manageable—or maybe I was managing too much. I didn’t want trouble or gossip, and perhaps also because I am non-confrontational." Yeah, well now you know that what you don't want means diddly-squat with loons like Spongebob Stalky-Pants around. Out of the depths they suddenly pop. And usually at the worst times...which can include, feeling that you have unmet needs...even something that subtle and private (google Narc - Predator Senses). "Actually, it was something even more disrespectful. He took out his frustration on me and said, “fuck you, shut up.”" Jeez! In hindsight, do you think he was panicking and acting like a brat because he felt out of his depth and powerless? "I was flabbergasted by his audacity—especially" I can imagine! "since he said it in front of that psychopath." OH........... He was flexing his muscles. "I wanted to throw the plate and leave the restaurant, but I restrained myself, thinking it would become obvious that we were not getting along." Next time, do as your instincts (inner lovely psycho) tell you.... Now that you know they (she) work well and should be obeyed. She knows her stuff so there's got to be copious experience amongst your ancestors and their genes that you've inherited. "After we left the place, he apologized and said that at that moment he didn’t understand how to react or whom to react to." Ah. Panic indeed (PLUS wanting to take advantage of that to flex his muscles). "I really respect you and your courage, but honestly, I didn’t have that at that point in time." Sounds like this whole situation made him finish growing-up FAST! I say, how handy! :) Another useful consequence of the whole episode, then? It's looking like a Blessing In Disguise, now. Wouldn't you agree? "I was too afraid—of him and of the entire situation. I never thought of going to the police;" That's okay. Because next time you will. :) Maybe you're meant to get this tutorial from me so that when you meet another Malignant in the future, you'll be prepared? A practise-run? Hopefully not, but... the next one might not be after you, but bf or any of your friends/family... And you'll know how to help them? "I just wanted to stay out of everything." I know. But there's no such thing as a quiet life. It's a bloody myth. (No such thing as Early Retirement or just Retirement, either!) "Also, my boyfriend was a loner with only one or two friends, whereas that guy had a large social group" Google "Narcissist's Flying Monkeys/Fans". "and visible support—from people of my nationality in his class as well as from his own nationality." Yeah, he was trying to 'call in the flying monkeys' to put peer-pressure on you. Co-er-cive Con...TROLLLLL.... Emphasis on Con and Troll. :p "At least, that’s how it appeared to me. I was afraid—too afraid of him." Well, if you'd handled him (and bf's slow-burn panic-attack) so brilliantly WITHOUT being afraid, I wouldn't be telling you how exceptionally brave you are, would I. If you're not scared - who needs bravery? :D It takes bravery to deal-with properly - it takes bravery to ignore them properly/effectively. So, in actual fact, you DID have it at the time, think about it. (Equally, you could be a Police officer? You're calm and functional - multi-functional! - under-fire is the point/rare skill... ""So I'm presuming you hadn't messaged Stalker since his inappropriately over-brief response?" No, never. Since he left me on read, I never messaged him afterward." Which is brave because others would have worried that ignoring could provoke him/the situation. End Of.) What ARE these academic decisions that cost you? (Or maybe they were an admission fee??) _______________________________________ "He was from the Middle East (Jordan)." Misogynist City. Nuff said. He's from a past century. Not saying all Jordanians are dinosaurs. Just - they're known for it (by modern Western civilized standards). But there is definite arrogance and dismissiveness of the well-known tack for emigrating, which is: When in Rome, do as the Romans do (like, not woo by belittling force). "No, I had already deleted them long ago. He archived them on Instagram highlights by re-recording them later, when he was sober." Was he drunk often? (Sounds like it?) ""PS: NEVER delete this stuff. They're like bad pennies...can turn up years, even decades later!)" What do you mean by that? Could you elaborate?" If you have any interaction, but especially a relationship with them - even if just in their heads! - then passage of time is no obstacle to them. If they're needy, e.g. lack a victim, they'll happily look you up and like nothing bad happened. Little Black Book (of "Narc Supply" - google). Not in your case. Because you dealt with it. Just passively instead of actively. But going to the Police (as well as ignoring) IS easier and does save you time. ________________________________________________ "Fffffffffffffunny, that, doncha think? Yes 😆 Thanks for the link though" If you've never watched it - DO. "You didn't just dodge a bullet, you dodged a Nuclear Missile! Yeah I know but don't know why still resent everything" Because that 'pill' you were forced to swallow wasn't fair/feels unfair because it tasted bitter. On the other hand - the most powerful medicine always does. Be resentful at the fact of him (any ol' feckers allowed to sprog and turn a child evil), but grateful for the free University Of Life course that Fate used him as. The knowledge/tools you now have from that 'collision', is invaluable-for-life. As I say - there may well be others you or your loved-ones cross paths with. (How do you look in a cape? :)) I repeat: managing NOT to become ensnared by a Malignant is RARE. RARE. Welcome to the club! :)

And btw - he got 'scathed' from the fact that his evil genius failed to work on you. It had an effect, sure. But mild. And you caught yourself. So it failed. His world view and dark arts got proven to be far less powerful than he'd always imagined. The drugs didn't work. That would have caused Narcissistic Injury (google) and Narcissistic Rage (hot or cold - google) which, because its unleashing on you didn't work either - would have given him HIS version of a serious head-f**k that would have had him out of action or at least knocked off his game if he had no Secondary Supply waiting in the unseen wings. (That poor woman who now thinks he's her husband... We should spare a thought for her and hope she wakes up soon, eh). Oh, and btw - Narc-Spaths are known for actually-factually having an hypnotic effect (another reason for the constant 'glances') as 'drugs/stupifies' their victims, along with (if they have physical access to you) constantly jolting your knee/forearm with their hand or elbow as bit-by-bit desensitises you to further over-familiarity to-come, as well as unwillingly bonds you). ALSO! Another potential and not uncommon outcome that can leave them scathed from their 'shaming failure' at capturing YOU and going into post-Narc Rage without recourse (revenge), into Narc Collapse (google): these bullies can themselves get mistaken for victim-empaths-weaker ones (because they self-pity just fine and pretend to be victims to appear harmless to their prey), by bullies that are BIGGER (higher up the Narc malignancy heirarchy) than them. So it's not uncommon for a rejected Narc of any type to meet his match AND THEN SOME! 'The female of the species is more deadly than the male' and that certainly is the case with female Narc-Spaths (I've dealt with both and would rather it were a male, every time!). Let's hope it's Poor Him, rather than Poor Her, eh. In which case - question: how long did they date before marrying?

Sorry - missing words: "...constantly jolting your knee/forearm with their hand or elbow" to emphasise points in the conversation. They do it in such a way that it's as if you're not paying attention to what they're saying, despite you are. So you think, Why does he/she keep prodding and nudging me as s/he's talking? That's why. It chips away your defenses/radar. Gets you used to his 'touch'. Plus, if you try asking them to refrain - they still keep doing it. Some think 'f**k-it' cos they can't be bothered to repeat and increase-assert (and think it's just an annoying affectation habit, something they can put up with until they can leave). They usually end up his/her next victim. Others say, 'Sorry, but I've asked you more than once to stop prodding me. If you won't respect that and refrain, I can't continue conversing with you', and, if s/he still ignores it (whether or NOT they think to add a useless 'sorry!') - WALKS OFF WITHOUT APOLOGY...at most, saying only, 'I warned ya'. Don't be polite back to heinously rude and offensive people. They mistake your inaction for acquiescence/obedience/weakness/tolerance/permission, and then keep building on it. (Ignoring them, however, is not inaction, it's action. Being ignored causes Narc Rage.) (Actually, bloody anything causes Narc Rage - they're just a giant, constantly-starving-hungry, bottomless-pit of an ego on-legs, End Of.) Thoughts? :)

1)- Yes, you’re right. I did get General Surgery for residency, but I’m planning to switch to Obstetrics and Gynecology because it aligns more with my long-term vision, and I feel more comfortable in that field. And you’re also quite accurate about me. I do have a darker side. I can be aggressive, ruthless, and emotionally cold when necessary. I have a strong ability to detach, and I’m aware that I can have obsessive tendencies as well. The difference is, I don’t indulge them. I make a conscious effort not to activate that side of myself. Somewhere deep down, I knew that getting involved with him would destabilize me. It would open a door I might not be able to close. His intense, almost soul-piercing gaze, his mannerisms, and his sense of entitlement were all signals that he wasn’t emotionally healthy for me. That’s why I regulated myself and my emotions as much as I could. And yes, I also believe his pursuit was largely ego-driven. But to be completely honest, in the beginning I didn’t reciprocate not because I thought he was a bad person or because I wanted to hurt him. I was already in a relationship, and I chose to respect that. Also, I won’t lie the way he looked at me, as if he was aroused and consumed by desire, made me uncomfortable. It felt inappropriate, and it honestly repelled me more than it attracted me. Exactly — he was a narcissist. I forgot to mention a sequence of events that completely changed how I saw him. Initially, I was only uncomfortable with his constant surveillance and the way he stared at me. I wasn’t afraid of him at that point — just uneasy. But what he did later clearly placed him in the category of a predator. During a college fest that involved the entire campus, everyone was dressed in traditional attire. I was walking around with my boyfriend when we saw him. He was heading in another direction, but the moment he noticed us together, he changed his path. We didn’t think much of it at the time. Later, while my boyfriend was speaking with a friend, I was standing nearby. Suddenly, I felt someone brush forcefully against me — more specifically, I felt a body press and rub against my upper back. It wasn’t overtly sexual in placement, but it was deliberate. When the person moved forward, I saw that it was him. He immediately began talking to someone else as if nothing had happened. I don’t know how to describe it — I froze. I felt shocked, violated, and disoriented. In the process, a piece of my clothing had fallen to the ground. As I gathered myself and moved to pick it up, he stepped on it. When he noticed something under his shoe, he turned, saw me, and still didn’t say a word — no apology, no acknowledgment. He simply walked away. That moment changed everything. I had already sensed that his pursuit wasn’t healthy, but I never expected that level of audacity and disrespect. It made me genuinely afraid of him and of what he might be capable of. What disturbed me even more was my own reaction — I froze. I didn’t speak up. I didn’t confront him. And I carried guilt for that, even though I now understand that freezing is a natural trauma response. The next day, when he saw me looking visibly shaken and avoiding eye contact, he acted completely unbothered — performing stunts on his bike, laughing loudly, projecting confidence as if nothing had occurred. That contrast terrified me even more. After that, there was another incident where he deliberately stood in the path of me and my friends, forcing us to squeeze past him. I was too afraid to look at him or say anything. By then, it was no longer discomfort. It was fear. 2)-I don’t want to overly praise myself, but I’ve been told — and I do recognize — that I come across as confident, classy, and put together. I won’t deny that I make a conscious effort to present myself well, because it genuinely boosts my confidence. It’s not artificial; it’s intentional. At times, I wondered whether I unintentionally became some sort of status symbol in that environment. I’m not claiming to be exceptionally beautiful or irresistible — I’m simply describing what I observed. Although he was the only one who actively pursued me, many of the men from his nationality consistently watched me. It was noticeable not just to me but to others around me as well. A few even tried to approach me, but I’m naturally reserved and socially awkward, so I don’t always respond in a warm or friendly way. Still, it was clear that their group had a certain fixation. I am also quite self-aware. In fact, I overthink most of my decisions and words. I’m rarely impulsive, and I’m not easily impressed by money or status. I am sensitive, though, which is why I’m very selective about who I allow into my life — even as friends. As for my boyfriend, he was young back then. I understood that, and that’s one of the reasons I forgave him. We’ve grown, and I’m happy with him. Regarding the other situation — I always had this intuition that he wanted me to choose him and validate him, almost as if he needed that confirmation for his ego. I feared that once he “won,” he would avoid accountability, mock me, discard me, or simply lose interest. That’s why I never reached out while he was still around. I only contacted him after he left the country — I felt safer with physical distance. His absence created a kind of emotional withdrawal in me, and for a while I convinced myself that I had lost the love of my life. I was heartbroken and wanted clarity from his side. As for whether I’m an empath — I’ve often wondered that myself. I do feel things deeply, and I’m very attuned to undercurrents in people’s behavior. I’m not sure whether that’s because I’m a “water sign” or simply because I’m observant and emotionally perceptive.

I’m genuinely thankful for your words. I don’t think I ever truly gave myself credit for handling all of that the way I did. For a long time after he left, I questioned myself. I kept thinking that maybe I was too mature, too controlled — that perhaps I should have talked to him openly. I convinced myself that what I felt was love, and that I had somehow failed at it. Especially after reading his poems, I interpreted the emotional intensity as something profound and meaningful. But now I understand that what he left behind wasn’t love — it was a mental imprint. Intensity can feel like destiny when you’re inside it. I confused intensity with intention, and that confusion made me feel guilty for a long time. So thank you. Your perspective helped me see things more clearly — especially your explanation of narcissistic and psychopathic tendencies. It reframed the entire episode for me. In a strange way, I can now see it as a blessing in disguise. It gave me insight, strength, and a deeper understanding of human behavior. I do try to help others sometimes by offering advice when I see similar patterns. Academically, though, this emotional confusion did cost me. Because I believed I had “lost the love of my life,” I carried guilt while remaining on the same campus, in the same environment, without him. When COVID began and students started leaving, I saw it as an escape — especially since my boyfriend refused to leave. I chose to go home temporarily. That decision ended up costing me two years. When I returned to my country, I couldn’t go back for my final semester. Then new government regulations were implemented retrospectively, stating that anyone who attended online classes would have to complete two additional years of internship. Everything became complicated and bureaucratically messy, and it delayed my timeline significantly. Ideally, I should have been in my third year of residency by now. Instead, I’m about to begin. But perhaps this too is part of the journey. He used to drink, but he never appeared intoxicated in public — except in those poem recordings. That contrast always stood out to me. Sometimes, if I’m being completely honest, a small, darker part of me hopes he felt that he failed. Maybe that’s just my ego wanting validation. I can acknowledge that without pretending it isn’t there. What I still don’t fully understand is this: if what he felt was truly obsession, how did he not pursue someone else when he was getting nothing from me? Yet at the same time, he behaved as if he were already in a relationship with me — almost performing loyalty to an imaginary bond. I remember once he gave a lift to a female friend. When my friend and I saw him, he reacted as though he had been caught cheating. Even my friend bluntly pointed it out. It was strange — as if he was loyal to a story that existed only in his head. Regarding his marriage, I don’t know much. I do remember that he unfollowed me after following me for about a year and a half. Then, roughly another year and a half later, he announced his engagement. When I saw the girl, she was beautiful — very well put together, more into makeup and styling than I am, which I don’t criticize at all. But in a brief glance, she reminded me of myself. Not in exact features, but in essence. Maybe he simply has a “type.” I don’t know. A year after the engagement, he got married. Within another year, he had a child. That part truly isn’t my concern. What I do find interesting, though, is the contrast in his behavior. Before engagement and marriage, he was extremely social — both in real life and on social media. He would frequently post female friends, colleagues, even make reels with other people’s children. Yet after marriage, although he doesn’t hide the fact that he’s married, he rarely posts his wife or child. He shares stories, yes, but the shift is noticeable. It’s not about questioning whether he loves her — it’s simply an observation of the contrast. Maybe he is very possessive. I did see hints of that during my time. I also sometimes wonder whether men like him ever truly reflect on their past behavior. Do they learn? Do they care? Or do they simply move forward without introspection? Part of me is still puzzled by the poetry — what it meant, why it was written. Sometimes there’s a lingering sense of injustice, or maybe just unfinished curiosity. But ultimately, it’s no longer my story to carry. And please, there’s no need to apologize for delayed replies. I appreciate that you’re listening and responding thoughtfully — that’s more than enough.

Heya! "1)- Yes, you’re right. I did get General Surgery for residency, but I’m planning to switch to Obstetrics and Gynecology because it aligns more with my long-term vision, and I feel more comfortable in that field." Okay - good. So that'll count as a gain, not a loss/detriment. "And you’re also quite accurate about me. I do have a darker side. I can be aggressive, ruthless, and emotionally cold when necessary." Excellent. Save your (not limitless!) Fairy Dust for sprinkling onto other Fairies only, and just pour ice or a rubble onto Trolls. "I have a strong ability to detach, and I’m aware that I can have obsessive tendencies as well." Very useful for in situations such as "him/it"! "The difference is, I don’t indulge them. I make a conscious effort not to activate that side of myself." Yup. The diff that makes ALL the diff. E.g. we can all have dark thoughts, but we wouldn't DREAM of making them a reality; plus they tend only to be fleeting. However, his type CAN'T/WON'T. Because they're literally still (disturbed, seething) kids, despite their bodies and cognitive intelligence developed(ish). Emotionally, they're ill-equipped/unequipped/don't give a sh*t for decency. So, self-control be damned. "Somewhere deep down, I knew that getting involved with him would destabilize me. It would open a door I might not be able to close. His intense, almost soul-piercing gaze, his mannerisms, and his sense of entitlement were all signals that he wasn’t emotionally healthy for me. That’s why I regulated myself and my emotions as much as I could." Yep. You've got your own, not Predator but (because you're healthy) *Defender/Rescuer* instincts. The Narc-Sociopathic and Narc-Psychopathic stare, oh yeah. It actually IS "a thing". "And yes, I also believe his pursuit was largely ego-driven." Ego and maliciousness. Plus, we don't even know that YOU were his target. It might have been BOYFRIEND he without-cause detested so wanted to spoil his beautiful relationship by luring you away, destroying you, thereby ruining his life. Which would make you, just his pawn....his weapon. That would certainly fit with his turning-up deliberately when BF was in the cafe with you, wouldn't it. Let's think about that... Have you asked BF about what he thought of the guy initially? "But to be completely honest, in the beginning I didn’t reciprocate not because I thought he was a bad person or because I wanted to hurt him. I was already in a relationship, and I chose to respect that." And that's why I (and everyone here, I'm sure), respect you. "Also, I won’t lie the way he looked at me, as if he was aroused and consumed by desire, made me uncomfortable." You're lucky/well-genetically-endowed because a lot of other women misread it and feel extremely flattered and want MORE of it. "It felt inappropriate, and it honestly repelled me more than it attracted me." 'E WOZ A CREEP - yep. You weren't weak or weakened enough to roll over and purr. Needs momentarily not getting sufficiently met, aren't enough to make you sacrifice your morals and principles. Very rare these days - very commendable. "Exactly — he was a narcissist." Zackly-fackly. But remember your prefix of Malignant. Non-malignants are just frustrating, annoying, etc. (I call them Slinkies because you too often get the urge to help them down the stairs LOL.) This guy had the usual Narc problems AND mal-intent. But at least his output is Overt, despite his agenda could have been hidden (after bf THROUGH going after you). That's how narc-spaths roll. Everyone's so busy focusing on the fire (outrageous conduct) on TOP of the table that it doesn't even occur to them to look UNDER it for the real aims and agendas. ANOTHER possibility or side-bonus: do you look rich? Does bf? "I forgot to mention a sequence of events that completely changed how I saw him." Yeah, you'll find you forgot to mention one heck of a lot as we go. S'normal...part of the process, once you realise you ARE safe now, and gain distance/hindsight, is realising you were far more badly abused/tormented than your survival instinct at the time dared let you realise/admit to yourself (in-case of psychological stress overload, either in-one-hit or by hitting Full, as causes CPTSD). And, put simply, who the eff wants to believe that evil people actually do exist and walk/hide in plain sight among us? And if that evil individual has only a petty playground - as opposed to, say, a weak and down country, e.g., Germany - the evil will be contained to the petty. (Doesn't ever feel petty or impact petilly, though. I prefer the term Domestic-Social.) Here - have a giggle on me: New meme: "People tend to expect less of you if while they're talking to you, you hand them one of your socks". (Probably not verbatim but you get the gist haha.) Try that, next time. Or, in-front/in-sight of them, pretend to pick your nose and eat it. May sound crazy but - as NSpaths are disgusting habit-wise as well as conduct etc., etc.-wise, you can convince them that they've mistaken a fellow NSpath for prey (misidentification by NSpaths in a hurry is fairly common), and give you a wide berth (female NSpaths v male NSpaths - no contest - run, boys, run!). "Initially, I was only uncomfortable with his constant surveillance and the way he stared at me. I wasn’t afraid of him at that point — just uneasy. But what he did later clearly placed him in the category of a predator." Yyyyup. "During a college fest that involved the entire campus, everyone was dressed in traditional attire. I was walking around with my boyfriend when we saw him. He was heading in another direction, but the moment he noticed us together, he changed his path. We didn’t think much of it at the time." FFS. That happens again - keep changing direction. Works AND is amusing. Subtly shows him you've got his dark number, messes him around, invites humiliation... he'll be off to find a BETTER target-victim. But AGAIN: it was in-front of your BF. And behaviour like that from another man in provoking you in-front of your GF would be humiliating for your BF. So here we have another jigsaw piece of evidence For his going for BF and using you (he hoped) as his weapon, doesn't it. Shine that light on all your memories and see if everything aligns? "Later, while my boyfriend was speaking with a friend, I was standing nearby. Suddenly, I felt someone brush forcefully against me — more specifically, I felt a body press and rub against my upper back. It wasn’t overtly sexual in placement, but it was deliberate. When the person moved forward, I saw that it was him." Oh Jesus Christ! It was meant to INTIMIDATE. "He immediately began talking to someone else as if nothing had happened." He (NSpath) quickly produced a distraction so as to block you from any natural need to confront/say something. "I don’t know how to describe it — I froze. I felt shocked, violated, and disoriented." You don't need to describe it - all of us here can recall and/or relate. We know EXACTLY what you felt. And anyway - those are correct. You had been deliberately SHOCKED....with VIOLATION.... and DE-STABILIZATON (an Narc speciality). A 'straight' malignant Narc wouldn't be so stupid as to so anything so obvious because then you could describe it in plain English to another person, like you're doing. With a straight Covert or Covert-Vulnerable, you just wouldn't know how to get your accusation over because everything sounds so damned childish and petty (so would Water Torture if one didn't know what that pettiness can do to a person...it's about DEGREES, isn't it). That's why the NSpath loves to shock you out of nowhere. Leaves you 15 iQ points down - and just when you need them most! Leaves you in survival mode - Fight, (Fawn, Freeze) or Flight - no time for intelligent, conscious, rational thinking...NOT known for producing the best reporting/communicating - hence the phrase, 'struck dumb'. Plus, with behaviour that bizarrerly and unpredictably offensive, you have zero Frame Of Reference in your memory to consult. (PS: another word for Insane is Unpredictable.) So that's the Unwanted Touching tactic now identified (tick!). Well remembered! Keep them coming. This is you, getting to warn other potential innocent victims via the web, with the oft-overlooked DETAIL/CONTEXTS. :) "In the process, a piece of my clothing had fallen to the ground. As I gathered myself and moved to pick it up, he stepped on it." WHAT THE BLEEDIN UCK?!?! I was NOT expecting THAT! This tells me, he was in a hurry for new Supply. WAY too quick a succession of Ambushes! "When he noticed something under his shoe, he turned, saw me, and still didn’t say a word — no apology, no acknowledgment. He simply walked away." There we go. He 'spat' at you via actions. "That moment changed everything. I had already sensed that his pursuit wasn’t healthy, but I never expected that level of audacity and disrespect." They're the type that spit in their victim's face - which (may suprise you) is in actual fact known as THE worse psychological violence one human can inflict on another! And this creature is now someone's "husband"???!!! Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. "It made me genuinely afraid of him and of what he might be capable of." DAMN RIGHT! However, for future ref - focus on the fact he did it LIKE A COWARD. Painfully pulling your pigtail and running away (to another person, in order to block you from confronting as well as to shake your mind for the fact you had Normality (split-second effectively) co-running with Insanity... like someone slapping your face hard and without skipping a beat, politely and smilingly asking you if you'd like another cup of tea. (But far worse, obvs.) "What disturbed me even more was my own reaction — I froze. I didn’t speak up. I didn’t confront him. And I carried guilt for that, even though I now understand that freezing is a natural trauma response." It turns-out your inner naked She-Ape chose the correct one for what/who he was! It split-second calculated that this was the canniest, most-effective 'response'. Just because one is MAINLY a fighter, doesn't mean they have to stick to that rigidly. Being able to FLEX - have a HUGE REPERTOIRE of tools with which to deal with any situation life can throw at you, IS the mark of a Fine Specimen. 'Adapt or perish' - Darwin. You adapted your survival response system to-suit the individual situation... meaning, you've spent years feeling guilty for something you should feel PROUD of! "You gotta know when to hold them, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run". Play this (is with lyrics) and apply the lyrics to the above Accostation and survival tool in your toolbelt you chose: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImAO-I1cJnE And then this (which is also really funny) - to really drive my point home: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQKrmDLvijo :D But seriously: you outsmarted and thereby avoided an highly disturbed and mentally as well as physically-dangerous individual. Those may have been 'petty' physical assaults but it's a bloody good indication that, Getting Physical per-se, is one of his Go-To offensive-attack tools. Right? You outfoxed a potentially dangerous predator. Woah. Say it: WOAH. And then add: I may be squishy on the inside but on the outside, I'm covered in armour! Me, I'm now wondering what HE thought after that incident?! Yeah....the drugs REALLY didn't work on you! NOTHING he tried, got his usual result(s)! Which means, his new wife thinks he's a poor, abused, gentle bunnywabbit, ahhh. (No, madam, he's a self-pitying GREMLIN. You pour love on him and SEE what you've mistakenly nursed back to health - AND THEN RUN!) (Unless she IS secretly his counterpart, in which case, he'll end up in an even worse state of patheticness and won't ever get back up. They can dish it...But they can't take it.) "The next day, when he saw me looking visibly shaken and avoiding eye contact, he acted completely unbothered — performing stunts on his bike, laughing loudly, projecting confidence as if nothing had occurred. That contrast terrified me even more." YUP. If you end up living with them, they'll traumatise you (under the guise of an argument) and then go around the house, whistling or humming. It's done deliberately to add insult to injury. "After that, there was another incident where he deliberately stood in the path of me and my friends, forcing us to squeeze past him." Trying to communicate to you that there was no safety (including, 'in numbers'), no protection anywhere, so you may as well give in and become his "girlfriend". "I was too afraid to look at him or say anything. By then, it was no longer discomfort. It was fear." Yip. A weird, unnatural, seemingly over-reactive kind of fear, but, yes, a fear. Your neurological system telling you it's had enough, that this individual is starting to cause you damage. PS: any damage done to you, heals (because you're normal-healthy). Not so, any done to him (abnormal-unhealthy don't/can't/won't heal). Go and have a gander on Ayden's thread, wherein I suggest she could use "the finger of death" on her bully (brother). She knows him so she already knows it would work. Needs must. "2)-I don’t want to overly praise myself," Sorry - why not? "but I’ve been told — and I do recognize — that I come across as confident, classy, and put together. I won’t deny that I make a conscious effort to present myself well, because it genuinely boosts my confidence. It’s not artificial; it’s intentional." There we go. ('How verray DARE you, mere woman, you!') (Malig. Narcs LOVE to take down a prize specimen. Talk about giant ego-boost.) (Talk about over-estimating your childishly evil selves and taking on more than you can handle, more like, haha.) "At times, I wondered whether I unintentionally became some sort of status symbol in that environment. I’m not claiming to be exceptionally beautiful or irresistible — I’m simply describing what I observed." Fairenoughski. And don't worry about it. Veteran Poster Manalone fully admits he looks very much like George Cloony. Beat that!, haha! "Although he was the only one who actively pursued me, many of the men from his nationality consistently watched me." Yeah, I see it. Highly turned on AND majorly resentful and furious at your 'cheek', both. You threaten the worldview of men like those. Just the fact of you. That's their problem, not yours. You carry on being you BUT henceforth with your inner naked she-ape closer to you, more easily accessible. Don't resort to Jungle Law right off the bat. Report people like that - use the civilised routes - FIRST. Only if that fails. And that is another diff that makes all the diff between us and them. They descend to the depths as a FIRST resort, whereas we normal-healthy-civilised do so only as a LAST resort. You gotta be READY to hold 'em, fold 'em, to walk away or run. Innit. WHICH YOU WILL BE. But you don't have to change, just because the world's governments let too many lunatics mingle unseen amongst us sane and good ones. Right Qualities (yours)....WRONG RECIPIENT. Me, I now think that he was targetting BOTH of you. You for your failure to know your place (*puke*). And him for his failure to know his: your dominating keeper, like wot they do to their "b*tches"... those 'petty', misogynistic criminals parading as students. Due to the fact they're sociopaths as well as narcs, they break the law A LOT...but clandestinely. He'd likely have cheated in his exams, I imagine. "It was noticeable not just to me but to others around me as well. A few even tried to approach me, but I’m naturally reserved and socially awkward, so I don’t always respond in a warm or friendly way. Still, it was clear that their group had a certain fixation." Well, then, this was GROUP bullying! MOBBING! (It just gets worse and worse, doesn't it!) "I am also quite self-aware." No - Very. "In fact, I overthink most of my decisions and words." No such thing as over-thinking. Just getting stuck and needing a break or a leg-up. "I’m rarely impulsive, and I’m not easily impressed by money or status." That's known as Down-To-Earth. "I am sensitive, though, which is why I’m very selective about who I allow into my life — even as friends." Yes. You're a Super-Empath. Once you're prepared to make like Indie and just reach for your situationally-best weapon FASTER and far earlier-on - without that conditioned-in taboo to stop or delay you - you'll be a Super-Nova Empath...like moi....:) (Oooh nooo, I just praised myse-BOOM! :D) Question: do good-looking, tip-top racehorses walk proudly or with their heads down? Answer: Proudly. Because they've got deadly hooves. Be beautiful but 24-7 potentially deadly, haha. Because if one is beautiful or in whatever ways enviable, one has to be. Because of the pathologically-jealous loons out there. And - nobody ever said Angels were wimps or had to be gentle all the time, did they. Otherwise, they wouldn't be known as God's Army, would they. "As for my boyfriend, he was young back then. I understood that, and that’s one of the reasons I forgave him. We’ve grown, and I’m happy with him." Loon Bonus Number 2. The episode improved your primary relationship. :) "Regarding the other situation — I always had this intuition that he wanted me to choose him and validate him, almost as if he needed that confirmation for his ego." Also correct. (They're lazy aka super-efficient so they always have a whole cocktail of agendas rolled into one.) "I feared that once he “won,” he would avoid accountability, mock me, discard me, or simply lose interest." Or, now I've read more - quite possibly worse. "That’s why I never reached out while he was still around. I only contacted him after he left the country" CLEVER! "— I felt safer with physical distance." Course! "His absence created a kind of emotional withdrawal in me, and for a while I convinced myself that I had lost the love of my life." I know the feeling. "I was heartbroken and wanted clarity from his side." Ditto. "As for whether I’m an empath — I’ve often wondered that myself. I do feel things deeply, and I’m very attuned to undercurrents in people’s behavior. I’m not sure whether that’s because I’m a “water sign” or simply because I’m observant and emotionally perceptive." It's because you're an Angel (another word for Godly, Friendly Psychopath). The proof is the fact that you can turn your empathy off when need be. And on again. At will. Before civilisation, we ALL used to be psychopaths. Don't confuse evil psychos with angelic psychos. They're Dark Angels. We're White Angels. We're healthy thus fully operational and cleverer. As long as the Angel can be BRAVE and unleash their inner beast - No contest - Game Over. Only Super-Nova Empaths can 'kill' Malignant Narcs of any type. Fact. Just happens to SOUND like fiction. (What a world we live in, eh?)

"I’m genuinely thankful for your words. I don’t think I ever truly gave myself credit for handling all of that the way I did. For a long time after he left, I questioned myself. I kept thinking that maybe I was too mature, too controlled — that perhaps I should have talked to him openly. I convinced myself that what I felt was love, and that I had somehow failed at it." Don't thank me - Pay It Forward (or on here?). :) This is how we stop Narcissism. Talking about it, discussing it at depth, sharing experiences... Knowledge Is Power (and power isn't synonymous with evil, albeit in this upside-down-back-to-front insanity type of situation they force us into, you're within rights to be Evil For The Power Of Good (last resort, no other choice)). That's part of their problem. THEY see it as self-defending (by hitting first). They have no right to behave as if they're convinced they're the victim; only the victim does. Who Started It and Why applies here. "Especially after reading his poems, I interpreted the emotional intensity as something profound and meaningful." Nah. Just part of his woman-catching tools (Evil Pepe Le Pew).... "I love you so much I've written you a poem!". It's been used a thousand times. Even simultaneously with you and other women. They're usually never single, just act convincingly like they are. They can have a WHOLE harem!....and if that proves successful (I reckon), they then move UP the disgusting ladder. To actual Sex Slavery trading. (All of these offenders BUILD UP to their extreme, not wake-up one morning and go, 'Today, I'm going to trick and enslave some jumped-up woman and show her WE'RE the bosses!'.) NSpaths use TOOLS. Straight malignant Narcs rely mainly only their sneaky brains and clever mastery of language as a weapon. When NSpaths text you something like, 'Good morning, beautiful!' - it's a Round Robin...hence 'beautiful' instead of your first name or nickname. NSpaths also always tend to cease using your name ever again. You become (when they're in a good mood) just 'Baby' or 'Doll' or whatever minimising else. And so do the other unseen members of his (or her!) harem. The devil is indeed in the detail. "But now I understand that what he left behind wasn’t love — it was a mental imprint." With impact. "Intensity can feel like destiny when you’re inside it. I confused intensity with intention, and that confusion made me feel guilty for a long time." Targets also mistake that intensity for intimacy. Common stuff. "So thank you. Your perspective helped me see things more clearly — especially your explanation of narcissistic and psychopathic tendencies." Good! And thank-you back! :) "It reframed the entire episode for me. In a strange way, I can now see it as a blessing in disguise. It gave me insight, strength, and a deeper understanding of human behavior. I do try to help others sometimes by offering advice when I see similar patterns." Excellent. "Academically, though, this emotional confusion did cost me. Because I believed I had “lost the love of my life,” I carried guilt while remaining on the same campus, in the same environment, without him." Which can either overlay the bad associations with better memories or can backfire and prove to be a background trigger... Were you anxious even though he was no longer there? PS: new phraseology: '(emotional confusion) did re-orientate me'. "When COVID began and students started leaving, I saw it as an escape — especially since my boyfriend refused to leave. I chose to go home temporarily." GOOD. MOVE. "That decision ended up costing me two years. When I returned to my country, I couldn’t go back for my final semester. Then new government regulations were implemented retrospectively, stating that anyone who attended online classes would have to complete two additional years of internship. Everything became complicated and bureaucratically messy, and it delayed my timeline significantly." You must have felt both furious with him and powerless to see justice, yes? "Ideally, I should have been in my third year of residency by now. Instead, I’m about to begin." RE-begin. And 2 years is TINY in the grand scheme of things. "But perhaps this too is part of the journey." HAHA! I'll shut up again. But yes, it absolutely is, no dout about it. "He used to drink, but he never appeared intoxicated in public — except in those poem recordings. That contrast always stood out to me." Think back... Is it possible that he was PRETENDING to be drunk?...as part of his Pity Ploy style of Lure ('Come into my parlour and save meeee, mummyyyyy!, said the Spider to the Fly'?) PS: Did you at any point - no matter how fleetingly - wonder if you could fix him by becoming his gf and loving him better? High Empaths do tend to be Rescuers? "Sometimes, if I’m being completely honest, a small, darker part of me hopes he felt that he failed." Wanting Justice to be done, isn't dark. And I guarantee you - he would have. I hope so too because it's his consequence and, words mean nothing to NSpaths, just actions and consequences. "Maybe that’s just my ego wanting validation." It's normal, healthy, human, to want and need validation. But the rest of us don't knowingly and willingly - even gleefully - sacrifice everyday decency and/or even humanity by seriously detrimenting, disturbing and injuring others, to get it. NSpaths don't want validation, anyway. Just money, power, uber-dominance, respect, fear, awe, constant admiration.... all for nothing. Worse than nothing: the OPPOSITE of what earns and deserves it! The needing validation bit happens only when they've been outfoxed (like him, by you) thus have experienced Narc Collapse (non-rightfully feeling sorry for themselves), or when they're putting it on during their Pity Ploy. They can have empathy sometimes (when it suits them), but it's too pathetically puny to battle their illness and its urges. Plus it's only fleeting. NSpaths don't want to Earn. They'd rather steal all the other kids' lunch money. Even if they have their own. Even if everyone knows that kid hasn't eaten for a week. Even if that kid will DIE if he doesn't get to eat lunch! Evil PacMan. They also do Evil Forrest Gump (play dumb to a degree that insults your intelligence). A straight Covert won't reduce themselves because their image is so overblown important that they even care if their freshly-beaten victim still thinks well of them! An NSpath doesn't CARE about ANYTHING but his/herself. And their atrocities no no bounds (bar avoiding getting banged-up for their crimes and severe domestic abuse). You didn't see all of him, did you. You didn't fall for his lures. There was a lot worse than that to-come. Although, there wasn't...for the simple reason that Fate was behind it and wanted you only to have a BRUSH with one. AND Boyfriend. (Bet you can't wait to tell him my confident suspicion about he himself equally or possibly primarily, being the nutter's target as well, can you! Haha! Report back! Also, with NSpaths, it usually IS OTHER MEN they are either trying to impress or, failing that, insultingly posturing at all the time.) Do you think you should ring the university and tell them what happened back then?....help them to know what they could do to make reporting such things, easier? I mean - who knows?...How hard would it be to ask someone to become your girlfriend, then invite her to your country to meet the folks, only to find yourself a sex-slave in his country? And I entertain that idea BECAUSE his behaviour smacks of his feeling he was 'against the clock' somehow. DESPERATE. And (eyes on you from others of his nationality) it could be said he was part of a secret posse. Did he SAIL throug his own exam? Had he perhaps passed it many times before? My point is - we just don't know. But what I do know - this one was serious biz. ...if you'd 'got into his van'. Fffff.....*ck-a-doodle-PHEW! "What I still don’t fully understand is this: if what he felt was truly obsession, how did he not pursue someone else when he was getting nothing from me?" Because you were the one who most offended his skewed world view when it comes to women being put on this earth purely to serve men. And/or because he was spoilt literally rotten (which is still abuse even WITHOUT any nastiness) his whole childhood and beyond. An over-over-over-entitled, seethingly angry kid in a grown-up suit. There's no psychometric test, is there; any damaged human can decide to have a kid and raise it likewise damaged (or worse). Nothing will change until there's screening for it (it's part-genetic) (which is why if one of their offspring is strong and lacks the foul gene, the abuse as children won't prove enough to turn them damaged and evil, they'll come out of it already knowing what never to do or to seriously turn the dial up or down on). "Yet at the same time, he behaved as if he were already in a relationship with me — almost performing loyalty to an imaginary bond. I remember once he gave a lift to a female friend. When my friend and I saw him, he reacted as though he had been caught cheating. Even my friend bluntly pointed it out. It was strange — as if he was loyal to a story that existed only in his head." Oh, if they decide you're theirs - you're theirs ("Cuckoo!"). He HAD been caught 'cheating'. Didn't know you knew her or, that well? He tried to lure and work on her during that lift, but obviously decided that although he detested her just as much, he just didn't fancy her. (Or decided she'd make a crap sex-slave???) "Regarding his marriage, I don’t know much. I do remember that he unfollowed me after following me for about a year and a half. Then, roughly another year and a half later, he announced his engagement." He knew you could still see, yes? "When I saw the girl, she was beautiful — very well put together, more into makeup and styling than I am, which I don’t criticize at all. But in a brief glance, she reminded me of myself. Not in exact features, but in essence. Maybe he simply has a “type.” I don’t know." No, you do know - and that, too, is correct. (You've definitely got an instinct for this stuff!) What ELSE did she and you seem to have in common? Similar colouring, height, shape...? "A year after the engagement, he got married." TOO SOON!!!! (tick!) "Within another year, he had a child." (A ball and chain for Mum.) TOO SOON!!! (tick!) "That part truly isn’t my concern." It might be hers, though. Yikes... "What I do find interesting, though, is the contrast in his behavior. Before engagement and marriage, he was extremely social — both in real life and on social media. He would frequently post female friends, colleagues, even make reels with other people’s children. Yet after marriage, although he doesn’t hide the fact that he’s married, he rarely posts his wife or child. He shares stories, yes, but the shift is noticeable. It’s not about questioning whether he loves her — it’s simply an observation of the contrast." You're very patterns-sensitive, aren't you. Could you have some Asperger's traits? Well, either he's got her under his control thus can go seek MORE "girlfriends" or he's already shipped them to his home country and therefore CAN'T post such pics or she's left him already but he's aware that being "stolen fruit" is attractive to (shamefully) quite a lot of women? And yes, part of Love-Bombing (false advertising) is, faking being this/that outgoing fun gentle loving blah-blah all-round GREAT guy! Including in front of their whole family and social circle. Faking the very opposite of what they are. Hiding In Plain Sight. It's once they can tell you've convinced everyone (from all your genuine gushing) that they're an angel and your soulmate, that they can afford to let their true arse out and mistreat you behind closed doors. Because then, you've now not got Convincing your crowd to do (he's abusing me!), you've got DE-Convincing and THEN REPLACEMENT Convincing (see what I'm saying?). It makes your claims sound highly improbable and preposterous and, you, mad (which is their plan because then you're without the vital support to escape). Love-Bombing is Gaslighting. A great big con. Living with a malignant narc-spath isn't described as 'mere' abuse, but, a domestic crime. (And that's if you DON'T get shipped-off as a sex-slave!) "Maybe he is very possessive. I did see hints of that during my time." Er - YES YOU DID???? He stalked you! Can't get more possession than THAT?! Haha, ya daft bat. ;D "I also sometimes wonder whether men like him ever truly reflect on their past behavior. Do they learn? Do they care? Or do they simply move forward without introspection?" Nope........ Nope........... Nope.......... Yup........... They have no USE for you in terms of Of The Heart because they don't have one, they're not interested in love. So they make use of you by pretending to be a nice person looking for a relationship, conning you. And then they trap you and keep you trapped mentally and/or physically for as long as they can get away with. And leave you poorer, usually. They're Predator-Parasites... They abuse the hand that feeds them. Use them up like a teabag, before discarding them and moving onto the next victim. Unless any time in the future you seem susceptible to another go-at. And that's one of the reasons why they won't give you closure. They don't WANT you to move on. If they fancy you, you're theirs (cuckoo).... to use, abuse, pick-up, drop back down, stamp on... "Part of me is still puzzled by the poetry — what it meant, why it was written. Sometimes there’s a lingering sense of injustice, or maybe just unfinished curiosity." Because for a conman, it makes a great romantic tool. NSpaths have actual props. Lots. False X-rays, false pregnancy results/scans, false documents, false personas.... false everything. "But ultimately, it’s no longer my story to carry." You can continue looking through that window, given that he can't tell whether you are or aren't looking? After all, the data IS pieces of a jigsaw-puzzle, and we have your abovementioned pieces up there, right (won't show fam pics -v- can't show any)? That way definitely gives you a legitimate short-cut to Closure. "And please, there’s no need to apologize for delayed replies. I appreciate that you’re listening and responding thoughtfully — that’s more than enough." It's not my usual standard, that's why I constantly whinge about lack of time now. It's since I emigrated to Spain. Life here is a MESS. Brexit nearly killed it. I'm usually military in my follow-through and punctuality, so I find it overly frustrating that the "manana" attitude I could JUST ABOUT tolerate has since become "Manana, manana, I luv ya, manana...You're alwaaays a daaaaaaaay aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!". I'm ucked-off that I should be able to post DAILY if I wanted, like I used to. I don't care what anyone else might think - this place is important in terms of its positive shock-waves (or 'Mexican Wave' if you prefer). You'd be surprised what a mere ripple can achieve. But yeah....I'd like to knock Spain's heads together. Respondez s'ilver plates? Mercury Buckets. :)

"Ego and maliciousness. Plus, we don’t even know that you were his target. It might have been your boyfriend whom he, without cause, detested so he may have wanted to spoil your beautiful relationship by luring you away, destroying you in the process, and thereby ruining his life. That would make you merely his pawn… his weapon." I don’t think that way, or maybe I’m not broad-minded enough to see it from that perspective. He never even seemed bothered about my boyfriend. He wasn’t jealous of him at all. Even when we appeared close, it felt as if he only saw me—almost as though my boyfriend was non-existent to him. Once, during the last few days, my boyfriend mentioned that he had gone out with one of his friends, who happened to be a classmate of that person. By chance, they met at a shop, and he himself initiated a handshake with my boyfriend very normally. When my boyfriend told me this, I was angry and asked why he did that. He replied, “He was being friendly himself—what was I supposed to do or say?” Especially when everything was going on so quietly. "Have you asked BF about what he thought of the guy initially?" No, never. Whenever I mentioned him, my boyfriend would feel uneasy and say that he couldn’t stand him and didn’t like his ways—that it was too much for him to tolerate quietly. But he did briefly mention that he remembered my he had a French girlfriend, which I already knew about. Since we’re talking about him, let me share my initial impression. He seemed rich, serious, and studious—someone well put together, not cheap, not someone who begs for attention, and who minds his own business. Over time, I was proven wrong. Most of those traits were true, except the part about not begging for attention and not being cheap. He was warm and generous with everyone except me. With me, he was intense and never appeared friendly—except for that one time when I didn’t reciprocate and he had other girls around him. I later heard from a friend about an incident where one of his classmates, who was already committed, was practically throwing herself at him—talking closely and in a husky tone. He even joked about it, saying, “Is she horny or what?” It was strange because he seemed least interested in the attention he was receiving, yet he was hell-bent on disturbing me. However, there was another incident. Near our hospital, at a café, we ran into each other coincidentally—he was already there, and I had come with two friends. That day, he was surprisingly warm and friendly. He genuinely gave me comfortable vibes. This incident most likely happened months after the SH incident, when he seemed to be trying to rebuild his image. There was another incident that occurred just two days after the SH incident. One evening, as usual, I was stepping out of my dormitory to meet a girlfriend who lived in another building. As a precaution, I had already asked my roommate to accompany me there. But the moment we stepped outside, he was sitting there with his friends—who were from my nationality—and they all started howling. I felt exposed and unsafe. He was just sitting there, smiling. I ignored them, gathered my courage, and continued on my way. However, when I reached my friend’s room, she asked why there had suddenly been so much noise outside. When I told her what happened, I broke down and cried in her arms. There’s another incident I remember clearly. It was about fifteen days before he was about to leave the country forever—five days after my birthday. Since we had exams during my birthday, I had planned to give my friends a treat later. We were all dressed up. I wore a skirt that wasn’t fully opaque but still covered what needed to be covered, along with a one-shoulder top. I was already feeling slightly unsure, wondering if it might be “too much,” but I brushed the thought aside and told myself it was fine. As soon as we stepped outside, he was there again, sitting with two friends—one girl and one boy. The moment he saw me, his expression changed. He looked extremely angry—his eyes showed intense anger. He immediately looked away and started staring at his phone. His friends were laughing under their breath, though they didn’t look at me again. His reaction was so intense that I started questioning myself. What did I do wrong? Was my outfit too revealing? My friends pulled me out of those thoughts, and we left. Later, when I returned to campus, I saw him again. This time, he looked upset and sad, and he ignored me completely—as if I didn’t exist. I remember this clearly because it was rare for him to be around me and not react at all. He seemed continuously sad, almost as if his world had come crashing down. "You weren't weak or weakened enough to roll over and purr. Needs momentarily not getting sufficiently met, aren't enough to make you sacrifice your morals and principles. Very rare these days - very commendable." THANKS ❤️ "ANOTHER possibility or side-bonus: do you look rich? Does bf?" Haha yeah we both look rich...but that guy was really rich 🤣 "Here - have a giggle on me: New meme:" I swear if I randomly handed someone my sock mid-conversation, they wouldn’t think “intimidating mastermind” — they’d think “psychiatric consult urgently needed.” And the fake nose-picking strategy??? That’s not self-defense, that’s social self-destruction. I’m trying to protect my peace, not my reputation in the entire campus legend archive. But I do appreciate the chaotic genius of it. Imagine someone trying to act intense and mysterious, and I just slowly pull off a sock and hand it to them without breaking eye contact. Psychological warfare: unlocked. Though honestly, I’d rather maintain my dignity and let them be confused by my indifference instead. Nothing unsettles people more than realizing you genuinely don’t care. Sockless supremacy is not the route I’m taking. 😂 But you have great tricks 😉 "He (NSpath) quickly produced a distraction so as to block you from any natural need to confront/say something." Yes, that’s exactly how I felt. I was already shocked, frozen, and feeling unsafe and disgusted. On top of that, he confused me by acting so casual. It made me question myself was I mistaken? Was I overthinking it? Should I say something at all? "That's why the NSpath loves to shock you out of nowhere. Leaves you 15 iQ points down - and just when you need them most! Leaves you in survival mode - Fight, (Fawn, Freeze) or Flight - no time for intelligent, conscious, rational thinking...NOT known for producing the best reporting/communicating - hence the phrase, 'struck dumb'." I completely agree. "There we go. He 'spat' at you via actions." I felt exactly that—that he was treating me like someone he could just walk all over. In that moment, I was angry. I wanted to stop him, confront him, and ask what he had done just minutes earlier. At the very least, I wanted him to apologize for stepping on my clothing. But I couldn’t move. I couldn’t say a single word. I just stood there, frozen. I don’t even know why. As soon as he walked away, I picked up my clothing. I stayed quiet at the time and didn’t tell my boyfriend immediately, but I made sure to remain around other people so he couldn’t come back or attempt anything again. The surprising part was that even after all this, he kept hovering around and looking at me. Later, when I told my boyfriend everything, he got angry and asked why I hadn’t said anything in that moment. I couldn’t properly explain how I had frozen. He didn’t seem to understand. Maybe men don’t always understand that reaction—I don’t know. Sometimes I still wonder: did I make a mistake by not confronting him? That might have been my opportunity to speak up about everything. Or was what I did—staying silent and ensuring my safety—the right thing? But the truth is, freezing wasn’t something I chose. It wasn’t under my control in that moment. "You adapted your survival response system to-suit the individual situation... meaning, you've spent years feeling guilty for something you should feel PROUD of!" Thanks this means a lot ❤️ "But seriously: you outsmarted and thereby avoided an highly disturbed and mentally as well as physically-dangerous individual. Those may have been 'petty' physical assaults but it's a bloody good indication that, Getting Physical per-se, is one of his Go-To offensive-attack tools. Right?" Yes, I agree—he felt too dangerous for me, though I still don’t fully understand why. At times, with me, he appeared vulnerable, sad, like a broken or tragic lover. Yet before that, he did everything to repel me—to scare and intimidate me. How can one person show such completely different sides? What confused me even more was that he had many female friends—both on campus and back home. I saw it when I added him on Instagram. On campus, he seemed normal with everyone. He appeared respectful, aware of boundaries, and girls seemed comfortable around him. His pictures from back home showed the same thing. So why was it different with me? That question has stayed with me then and even now—why weren’t my boundaries respected? Why did he touch me without consent? Why? The way he looked at me was also intense. It felt like he could consume me with his gaze. I agree, sometimes that kind of attention can make you feel like the center of someone’s world—but in this case, it felt dangerous. It felt like if he ever “got” me, he wouldn’t let me go. There was even a day when I didn’t notice him because I was in a hurry, but my friend did. She told me later that the way he looked at me, it was as if he was intoxicated by me. That comment felt both flattering and deeply alarming at the same time. That was the whole contrast—intensity mixed with normalcy, charm mixed with something that felt unsafe. "Me, I'm now wondering what HE thought after that incident?! Yeah....the drugs REALLY didn't work on you! NOTHING he tried, got his usual result(s)! Which means, his new wife thinks he's a poor, abused, gentle bunnywabbit, ahhh" I can’t say for sure, but what I feel is that later he changed—or perhaps controlled the narrative. As I told you, he started presenting himself as the tragic lover who loved deeply but couldn’t have the one he loved. His self-written and recorded poetry seemed to support that image. In his last days, whether it was genuine or an act, I don’t know—but it did affect me and even my friend. When I was leaving for the airport and about to board the taxi, he was there, looking at me with teary eyes and visible sadness. My friend later commented that he looked as if he was about to cry. He also made genuine efforts to find out my flight timing. A classmate of his, who was on good terms with me, had already asked about my schedule, so clearly the information reached him. As for his wife, I’m honestly surprised. I agree that a woman deserves to feel safe and secure, and maybe she does feel secure with him. Still, I find it hard to understand how someone can publicly post “heartbroken” highlights and poetry, yet have no pictures of his wife on his feed or in his highlights—and how she is fine with that. But perhaps in real life he keeps her happy and secure, and I shouldn’t judge a marriage based solely on social media. That said, a part of me would feel some sense of justice if he ever received the same treatment he once gave to others. "Me, I now think that he was targetting BOTH of you. You for your failure to know your place (*puke*). And him for his failure to know his: your dominating keeper, like wot they do to their "b*tches"... those 'petty', misogynistic criminals parading as students. Due to the fact they're sociopaths as well as narcs, they break the law A LOT...but clandestinely. He'd likely have cheated in his exams, I imagine." Maybe you’re right, but I’m not entirely sure and can’t comment much on that. At the time, I was so focused on protecting myself that I didn’t pay much attention to how he viewed my boyfriend. Explicitly, he always ignored his existence. Regarding academics, since he was in a senior batch, I don’t know the internal details. But he never had a bad reputation. He was always on the clean side of things and passed all his exams 😅. That’s what makes it more confusing—he seemed completely normal with everything and everyone else, yet emotionally dysregulated when it came to me. "Only Super-Nova Empaths can 'kill' Malignant Narcs of any type. Fact. Just happens to SOUND like fiction." Yeah!!! And I am really sorry I have been sick so couldn't reply faster

"Nah. Just part of his woman-catching tools (Evil Pepe Le Pew).... "I love you so much I've written you a poem!". It's been used a thousand times. Even simultaneously with you and other women. They're usually never single, just act convincingly like they are. They can have a WHOLE harem!..." Maybe you’re right. But those poems didn’t feel generic to me—they reflected the exact dynamic we shared. I hate to admit this, and I cringe thinking about it, but when we were still following each other on Instagram, I once posted a story visible only to him where I poured out my frustration. He responded by writing a poem that seemed to answer all the questions I had raised. Yet even in that, there was no accountability for his actions. Instead, he portrayed himself as misunderstood. If you’re comfortable, I can share those poems with you later. Moving on, from what I observed on social media, he, his family, and his circle didn’t appear backward or conservative in mindset. They seemed modern and well-off. He is an Arabic Christian, and as far as I know, polygamy isn’t permitted in that faith. I’m not stating this to defend him or his character—just trying to present the facts as clearly as possible for context. "You must have felt both furious with him and powerless to see justice, yes?" Yes. I was too furious on him and on myself. "Think back... Is it possible that he was PRETENDING to be drunk?...as part of his Pity Ploy style of Lure" I can’t really say that he was drunk. I only assumed that in the moment because I couldn’t process the idea that someone with such a big ego and dominant personality would openly cry on an Instagram story or show that level of vulnerability. Most likely, he genuinely appeared emotional, and I interpreted that vulnerable state as him being drunk because it was easier for me to make sense of it that way. "PS: Did you at any point - no matter how fleetingly - wonder if you could fix him by becoming his gf and loving him better? High Empaths do tend to be Rescuers?" No, never. When he was physically around me, as I told you, I was scared. But when he softened, I softened too. There were moments when I felt sad for him or found myself thinking deeply about his apparent suffering. At times, he looked genuinely sad and emotionally messed up. Sometimes he would spend an entire day outside just to catch a glimpse of me. His eyes often seemed to scream how badly he wanted me to notice his efforts or his emotional state. Those things made me develop empathy for him. I won’t lie—my boyfriend did too. I don’t know whether it was all an act or whether he was being genuine, but that’s what we both observed, and naturally, empathy followed. Later, when I realized I had developed feelings for him, I only wanted to tell him how I felt—not to fix him or become his girlfriend. I already knew he was leaving, and realistically, it wouldn’t have worked. We were too different—culturally and in many other ways. After he left, I reached out once through Instagram, and he left me on read. I never texted him again. Even when I saw those recordings later, I felt the urge to reach out one more time, but I didn’t have the courage. At that point, I didn’t even fully understand what he was saying, so I chose to hold back. And honestly, I never believed he needed “fixing.” He was a grown adult who behaved normally with everyone else. It was only with me that things felt different. So I assumed he was either obsessed with me or had some kind of entitlement fantasy. "You didn't see all of him, did you. You didn't fall for his lures. There was a lot worse than that to-come." Yes, I had a strong intuition that if we ever got together, it wouldn’t end well for me. With me, he always projected dominance and never truly respected my autonomy. In a way, I feel like fate and timing protected me. "Do you think you should ring the university and tell them what happened back then?....help them to know what they could do to make reporting such things, easier?" Never gave a thought about it...but yeah I will try to contact them and let them know. "And (eyes on you from others of his nationality) it could be said he was part of a secret posse." I can confidently say that they probably found me different or attractive—perhaps because people often admire features from a different nationality. They appreciated that difference, but none of them were inappropriate or made any advances toward me. They’re all doing well in their lives and careers and seem quite happy. So I don’t think there was any larger plan or pattern behind it. To me, it simply feels like one man couldn’t tolerate rejection and didn’t know how to handle it. That’s what I genuinely believe. "He HAD been caught 'cheating'. Didn't know you knew her or, that well? He tried to lure and work on her during that lift, but obviously decided that although he detested her just as much, he just didn't fancy her. (Or decided she'd make a crap sex-slave???)" This part is quite interesting. So this girl who was his classmate and also from my country. She happened to have the same name as my best friend. After discovering that, he apparently became very close to her—almost best friends. Since I had already noticed that he tended to copy certain things related to me, I assumed at the time that this might have been another example of that pattern. As for the girl, she seemed to take pride in being around him and getting validation from him. I didn’t mind that aspect. What bothered me was her behavior toward me. When he was in university , she would look at me and laugh for no apparent reason or give me mean looks—but never directly in front of him. It was always when she was alone and happened to see me. Even after he left, she stayed and continued this behavior for nearly an entire year. At the time, my boyfriend used to say that she treated me like “the other woman.” That seemed to define their dynamic. It wasn’t anything dramatic or extreme—just insecurity, rivalry, and unnecessary hostility. "He knew you could still see, yes?" At that time, he simply unfollowed me. He didn’t remove me as a follower, since Instagram didn’t have that feature back then. However, as soon as he unfollowed me, he made his profile public—and it has remained public ever since. Maybe it was for professional reasons, like promoting his clinic, or maybe it was intentional for some other reason. I honestly don’t know, and I can’t say for sure. But yeah I could see even if I continued following him or even after unfollow since it became public profile. "What ELSE did she and you seem to have in common? Similar colouring, height, shape...?" Yes, we were similar in terms of body shape and height. "You're very patterns-sensitive, aren't you. Could you have some Asperger's traits?" Yes I am...and I do have some traits 😉 "Well, either he's got her under his control thus can go seek MORE "girlfriends" or he's already shipped them to his home country and therefore CAN'T post such pics or she's left him already but he's aware that being "stolen fruit" is attractive to (shamefully) quite a lot of women?" Anything could be possible with him, but I sometimes wonder whether he would actually be a cheater. I’m not saying that out of trust or loyalty toward him—it’s more based on how he appeared to be emotionally fixated and “loyal” to me, even without any formal relationship. Now he has a beautiful wife and a child. Maybe life has moved on, and his priorities and interests have changed. Or perhaps some people struggle with transitions, especially in the digital space—letting go of old narratives or identities. Of course, it could also reflect some deeper personality pattern. I honestly don’t know. I’m just trying to make sense of it from different angles. "They're Predator-Parasites..." Okay, agreed "You can continue looking through that window, given that he can't tell whether you are or aren't looking? After all, the data IS pieces of a jigsaw-puzzle, and we have your abovementioned pieces up there, right (won't show fam pics -v- can't show any)? That way definitely gives you a legitimate short-cut to Closure." Yes, you’re right. I had already reached a sense of closure. But the new information I uncovered—especially translating those poems with the help of AI—affected me more than I expected. I thought it wouldn’t impact me anymore, but it reopened the wound for a while. I’m okay now, though. In a way, discussing his patterns and personality has actually been helpful. It not only helps me understand what happened, but it may also help others recognize similar behaviors. More importantly, it’s helping me let go of whatever residual attachment I still had. Since we’re discussing his patterns and public profile, I remembered something about how he behaved online in the beginning. When he first followed me, he would watch my stories but never like any of my posts.And then stopped watching stories too.In fact, he would like almost every random post from the entire college—except mine. Eventually, I assumed he wasn’t interested anymore, or at least that he was trying to show disinterest. So I stopped liking his posts as well and began ignoring his stories. Then, about six months later, he suddenly liked one of my posts—the one I had uploaded on his birthday. It wasn’t related to him at all, and I hadn’t even realized it was his birthday until I later saw a story from his friend. Still, he liked that post. A few months after that, he started watching my stories more frequently—not all of them, but noticeably more than before. This continued for another six months. Then December came, the year was about to end, he viewed several more of my stories—and finally unfollowed me. I can feel your frustration through the screen. Going from “military precision” mode to full-blown “mañana, mañanaaa” culture shock must be maddening for someone who thrives on structure and momentum. That kind of shift would drive anyone slightly feral. But also… there’s something oddly poetic about you, the punctual force of nature, battling the laid-back rhythm of Spain like it’s a philosophical duel between discipline and siesta. And you’re right about one thing — ripples matter. Sometimes the smallest, most consistent presence creates more impact than daily noise ever could. A steady spark > constant fireworks. Maybe instead of knocking Spain’s heads together, you’ll end up absorbing just enough of that softness to balance your intensity — without losing your edge. Controlled chaos. Strategic mañana. And don’t worry — even if you don’t post daily, the ripple still travels. Some waves don’t need to be loud to be powerful. Mercury Buckets right back at you.