Is it Me? Am I wrong? Or is this Abuse?

Hi Everyone, I am here because I feel like I can't tell anyone I know any of this because when I have, it has made me feel even worse. I want outside perspective. I have been with my husband for almost 9 years (married for 1 and a half). Over the years he's lied to me about things, some trivial, some not so trivial. I also began to feel unappreciated and lonely watching him spend what little time he had when he wasnt working playing video games, playing football with his friends, and hanging out at a motorcycle club. The little bit of time I did get with him we'd end up just drinking and going out to eat. Then weed bacame legalized. At first it was something we tried together and it was fun, and then he got extreme with it (still is and it keeps getting worse). It seems like everything he does he ends us excessive with with. Everytime I have tried to find any way possible to talk to him, address it, nothing works. I've tried calm approach, angry approach, couple's therapy, anything. The result is always the same, no improvement, more secrets and lies and blame on me. Everything is always turned around on me. Deflection everytime. Within the last year I have uncovered even worse. I have found steroids, sexual enhancment drugs and ridiculous amounts of marijuana all hidden in his vehicle. On top of that, we purchased a house last year. We had to do it entirely in my name because his credit is ruined from a supposed "fraudulent loan" that is beyond collections and in the legal system he still has not resolved. The house we got needed extensive (and ongoing) repairs we did not know about before hand. I have taken out loans, and maxxed out all of my credit cards to try to cover repairs, materials, contractors, and vet bills for aging and terminally ill dogs among other necessities. We have joint accounts we both deposit to for the house and living expenses but it always seems like I have to move almost my entire paycheck into them to try to maintain ontime payments. I end up not have any cash left over and when I need anything like typical things you would need or just want to go out to eat with a friend I have to use my credit cards so I am not making any progress. Last year I opened one of his bank statements thinking it was mine. I was confused at first why there were so many charges on it and thats when i saw it was his. There were so many charges at bars and restaurants I had never been to with him, on days I thought he was working. Every weekend I thought he was working overtime there were charges. On top of that were almost $1000 in charges at dispensaries and other high unidentifiable transactions. I stayed quiet for a few months, collecting the statements and finding upwards to $10,000 in withdrawals on things that were not essential. This is around when i found the sex drugs in his vehicle. I calmly confronted him, and the response I got was deflection on me for irrelevant things and threats that he would leave and we should just get a divorce. I wont get too boring with details but since then I have left with my dogs and refused to come back. We fed the false promises and lies that he would go to therepy all that jazz. Well this week I opened a bank statement (after months of not touching them trying to believe in him) and I found again thousands and thousands of dollars wasted on eating out, alcohol, weed and god knows what else. He makes susbtanstially more than me, and all of this debt from this house is entirely on me in my name. When I confronted him I was immediately met with complete dismissal and not even acknowledging anything. After I cancelled our delayed Valentine's Day dinner he was taking me to with a giftcard he got for christmas he began threatening me that he was moving his items out this weekend because of it and turning it around on me about how he feels. I could not even get a word in, he just kept talking over me blaming me for how he feels. I told him he is has put himself, his addictions and whatever else it is he hides before me and this relationship. I also told him he has his priorities comepletely skewed. Am I wrong for any part in this? There has been so much more that has occurred but I don't have enough time or brain power to type it all. Am I crazy, or this is absolutely absurd? I'm not even afraid if he leaves, i feel like I have been on my own for so long anyway. And then I look at myself and think "What is wrong with me, why am I still with him?!?!"

What's absurd is that you're still with the guy when he's doing what he wants behind your back, husband or not. He doesn't even care if you see the evidence via bank statements. You don't have a marriage rather you have a convenience on paper & nine years is fair chunk of your life but whatever you had is completely buggered now & all that's left is the experience mouldering away in the past. There's no love, so divorce him & his bad addictions & his absolutely rooted priorities. Get a lawyer, sell the house or whatever & but sort your debts & just get on with your life. You're miserable now & it's not going to get any better while you hang around shackled to a user, for more lousy treatment. Lift your chin & take the action you need to take sorting your affairs & then just stride forth in the big blue yonder without others dragging you down to their level & without looking back over your shoulder. Look for a real man who will share your values & standards & support your interests & your dreams. You'll be that happy, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner & oh almost forgot, don't worry about him blaming you etc because his type will always be losers & will always blame someone else for their f'ups & there's a hell of a lot of his type out there, so do take care.

Hi MTZ, I agree completely with Manalone's fab sum-up - and no, of COURSE it's not you! He's not a husband and that was nothing like a marriage. Reason being, you were conned into tying yourself to a (no doubt initially highly charming and perfect-for-you-seeming) Predator-Parasite... a Narcissistic Sociopath (the two personality disorders together, often with a few other PDs thrown in) and victim to a long-running Domestic Crime. A live-in conman (mentally about 12 or less despite his body continued to grow). Basically, anywhere between highly dysfunctional and pettily criminal, and downright insane. The worst 'domestic' Narc there is. (PS: "rooted" is Australian for f*cked.) As soon as you're up to it (or sooner, preferably, because you'll feel immediately better once you do), make a consultation appointment with a solicitor/lawyer who specialises in Narcissistic Divorce (albeit, they're all increasingly hot on it these days). There isn't any "yours" or "mine" if you're legally married, everything is 50/50. Not if you were conned and used (which even a toddler could see), however. In your case, your lawyer and the Family Court will ensure as much as possible that you don't pay for his crimes. Especially if you have children together (do you?). You've been HIGHLY abused, and from all angles. You've been RAZED as well as psycho-emotionally raped, basically. Oh, and if he's aggressive - contact your local police HQ's Domestic Abuse/Crime squad. Or contact them anyway (it'll look good in court). Also, ring all your creditors and tell them what's been going on (including that you've left him). Meanwhile, check out this site by ex-victim-turned-expert, Jennifer Smith, and see your EX2b Domestic Conman in totalis (including the parts he would never have shown or flashed at you)... https://www.truelovescam.com/20-characteristics-sociopath/ You will NOT!...be able to 'put it down'! So don't. Read the entire website. It's INCREDIBLY eye-opening and relief-giving. Any questions - just ask me. I know the buggers upside-down and inside-out, all types. You don't have to get all the details out at-once. Here, you can stick around and keep sharing everything with Mannie and I and everyone here, until you understand that it's not personal, it's no reflection on you (bar kindness, generosity, huge empathy, ...all the good stuff which, unfortunately, is what these evil beeps use and use against you). Right Qualities (yours) - WRONG RECIPIENT. Only if you were telepathic could you be to-blame. Oh, and their brand of abuse traumatises you into huge Cognitive Dissonance that basically paralyses you (until they deliver you a shock too far or too big as wakes you up). Lastly just for now: WELL DONE!!! You did it! You escaped a slow-burn, "below-table",, serial killer (basically)! You are now part of an Elite. :) Feel proud. Read TrueLoveScam - you'll see...

PS: Here's a quick snippet in which Jennifer sums them up overall: "Other people hold no meaning to them aside from using that person for the sociopath’s personal gain. This means they’re what’s commonly called a con man or con artist, or scammer. And they come in male or female versions." In this case, ROMANTIC scammer. Because it's a LONG-stay set-up and they can syphon off you at a lazier pace whilst getting a free roof over their head; a tacit recommendation and vicarious respectability/reputability from being with you, a Diamond, and a position in which to build a secret harem behind their unwitting 'host's' back. Yours - because he's now not even bothering to HIDE his true nature - is in (fake or temporary) Discard stage - which Jennifer explains. He doesn't care if he loses you because he's got brainwashed back-up women (and quite possibly men - they're omnisexual) waiting in the wings. He really doesn't think you ever COULD leave him and stay left, though. You'll show him, eh. :)

PPS: Talking of showing him: You can do your No Contact (ZERO is the only way if you don't have kids) on here, too. He'll highly likely try to Hoover you back in at any point, you see. Stick with us and let us know the slightest move he makes. You're neither unique (bar the fact you've successfully escaped!) in this nor alone (cue Michael Jackson's "You are not alone".......including the "Hee-Hees!".)