I Cheated Years Ago and It Came Back To Haunt Me 7 Years Later

My story goes as follows: I met my husband when he came into the office I worked for do to his taxes. It was love at first sight for me. I still remember what he was wearing and what his hair looked like but it was the way he carried himself that immediately sent me head over heels. He walked with so much confidence and power words can’t even describe. At first I thought wow, this guy must be an asshole but after attempting to strike up a conversation I knew I was wrong. He turned out to be the greatest guy I had ever dated. So much so that we were married two years later. His company continued to grow and be successful and I had a pretty good job myself. Everything was perfect. He bought a house for us and he bought me a car and managed the finances. The only thing I had to pay was my phone bill and any subscriptions I had and the rest of my money was basically play money. Life was all that I had hoped for...until it wasn’t. The company I had worked for had laid off a lot of people including myself. I was bummed but I knew I would get another job. It wasn’t until 25 plus interviews later with no call backs or second interviews I got really depressed. Of course my husband was very supportive and doting. He said I didn’t need to work and he would take care of me like he always had and even mentioned maybe considering to start a family. I don’t know why but this angered me but I held it in. I didn’t want kids yet. I was enjoying the lifestyle and the traveling. I just got even more depressed after each week of interviews and nothing. I started pushing him away and being distant. At one point I thought I was going to leave him. I would just wake up one day and not take anything with me and just leave. I started talking to 3 other guys all at once. Just random guys I gave my number to as I was convinced my marriage was over. Well 6 months later he told me I needed to talk to a psychiatrist or something thinking they might help with my depression. I wasn’t interested in going anywhere and I would sleep until noon or 1 every day while he continued to go into his office and work to support us. I ended up seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with Bi-polar depression and she explained that some people will engage in risky behavior. She put me on medication and then I started seeing a therapist as well and was improving greatly. I got another job (not as good as the one I lost but I enjoyed the work I was doing) and never engaged in that type of behavior again. I even kept a journal that I would write in every day. Things seemed to be back to the way they were and we were both happy. Until one day he came across the other phone I was using to talk to people and read all of the messages. I don’t know why I kept it or why I threw it in a box of stuff that some day might be gone through. He was devastated and I explained everything to him. I had never seen him cry until that day. He said he was crying for the loss of our marriage as he wasn’t sure he could move past it. (This was a year after everything had happened). We went to a counselor together and things seemed to be improving. Fast forward about 7 years and 3 kids later. We were watching a movie together one night while the kids were at grandmas for a date night and we tried gummies for the first time. We were watching a movie where the wife has an affair and he immediately changed the movie and opened up about how he has been harboring his feelings over what happened years ago. That he just kept how he was feeling all this time to himself and how he resents me for what I did to him but he would never leave me because he loves me with so much of himself and devoted so much of himself into us that he cannot picture his life without me in it. He opened up and says it has been on his mind every day since he found out but tried to push it aside. That therapy didn’t really help and that the issue needs to be resolved and addressed but so much time has passed he can’t even think of where to begin or what should be done. He tried talking to a different therapist but she just told him to leave me (which he opened up to me about) and said he wouldnt do that and said he stopped seeing that therapist. I have been trying for the past 7 years to make it up to him without telling him that. I don’t have a password on my phone and I share my location. I keep him updated on where I am and what I am doing when I am not around (these are things he never asked from me just things I took upon myself out of guilt and remorse to do). He said it isn’t even about the trust as he does trust me currently. I have gone down rabbit holes on research on the topic and the only thing I have come to a conclusion on is to find him someone to talk to as a type of revenge or getting even I guess but he doesn’t go to bars or even look at other women. He has never used a dating app and doesn't openly strike up a convo with other women. This is the only solution I can think of. I just don’t know what else to do. I really need help and I can’t turn to friends or family because they have no idea all of that went down. I just can’t lose him. He is so wonderful and what my dreams of a perfect man for me are.

Hi IDKWTD, "I started talking to 3 other guys all at once." One is usually adequate. So - needing THREE at-once? This surely tells you just HOW "on the floor" your ego was, thanks to the job loss and subsequent knock-backs (to which you weren't accustomed). You had an unexpectedly massive reaction (including identity crisis) and basically started catastrophising and bouncing off the walls before 'self-helping' using three, insta-ego inflaters (on-legs). Three *Admirers*. Think about that *term. Your bloke meant well but was doing the opposite, wasn't he: "Oh, well, never mind - just hop-skip-jump into the kitchen and be my housewifey (secret Yay - roast din-dins every night!)". And then, the minute the re-inflating had worked to gain back enough common sense and control, you (actions!) quickly switched to the healthier option (therapist and temporary meds). And then you were fine! You just panicked and grabbed too-soon for the wrong 'meds' at first. Those blokes literally "meant nothing". However, what you did to your husband doesn't mean nothing. Your wall-bouncing reaction? That itself is not unusual (although it's usually blokes who are hit hardest compared to women, ergo, ambitious-you must have quite high testosterone for a femme?...which also explains the bloke-style nature of your acting-out.) What you do is very, very simple. Run the gauntlet. Let him ask anything he bloody likes/needs to - for as long as he needs to. 'UNTIL HE'S BOOOORED WITH IT and wants to talk about something else for a change'. Tell him everything/answer everything. So that he can finally accept the 'doity' acts weren't aimed at him. They were aimed at you (the true definition of Passive-Aggressive). Same reason why, simultaneously, you threw the phone into the box in disgust (rejected it) yet left it where it too likely WOULD get found at some point. BECAUSE YOU'D FAILED (fell off the career ladder) AND HAD TDO BE PUNISHED, YA VULL?! How very DARE you not be sorted every single day of your life! Enough self-flaggelation now (- or is it two Ls??)...(flagellation?) (never mind). Let him pump you for data whenever he needs to (within reason)...triggers are everywhere and always will be; the point is to remove the shards of glass in his skin so that *no amount of triggers* will by then hurt or even be felt....explain it seemed your only, and easiest, and fastest source in what felt like a life-and-death emergency need for 'instant' re-inflation device(s) at the time when you weren't in your right mind. Simple! Just a bit of a drag for a while (for both of you, in fact), that's all. It's like you committed accidental manslaughter. Sure, you didn't mean to but you still have to serve a bit of Time. He just needs to run out of questions. He will. Or, like I say, grow bored of it himself. So the quicker you start, the quicker you two will found yourself moved on from it. You both have the right attitude so I don't see why you shouldn't succeed. Oh, and - he doesn't need to know where to start. This is about an incomplete jigsaw puzzle which, until all the even seemingly insignificant pieces are in and he understands the entire picture to point of no longer finds it threatening or crazy-making. It's fine if he starts with a Sky piece and then switches to a grassy hill piece. That's jigsaw puzzles for ya! Oh and - that phone. Invite him to stomp it to smithereens if you haven't already. Hope this helps a bit? PS: "so much confidence and power words can’t even describe ((WHICH MADE ME CONCLUDE)) wow, this guy must be an *asshole". Just look at that paragraph and see what I'm seeing. Why/from whom, in your past, did you learn to equate confidence and physical presence/'swagger' with automatically being an arsehole' (- an Ass is a Donkey; it's not a donkey-hole, it's a bottom-hole...haha, you must be American, yeh?). But yeah - WHO WAS/WERE THE POWERFUL AHOLE(S)?