How do I approach my spouse in setting a boundary to hang with Kate?

We have been married for 3, together 5 years. We're in our 30s. My spouse randomly won tickets to a hockey playoff game on the other side of the state for the middle of the week. He invited a coworker (they couldn't go) as well as a couple guy friends (also couldn't go). He briefly mentioned he is going with Kate (30F), an old college friend who he has seen once last winter and hasn't seen since college before that. I want to preface I trust my husband. I just feel this is pushing a boundary I failed to set (this situation has never happened the entire time we've been together). It would be different if I knew the woman and she was close to us and our friends/ family, but this woman I have only met once. When I met her last winter, I was confused how they were friends at this stage in life. From my perspective, she is a party person and full of drama, talking about her divorces and messy friendships. My spouse is pretty chill. No one is perfect, but it feels odd having that drama in your 30s. Anyway, I dont mind when they hang out if 1 other person is there, but going to a game just the two of them is strange. I can't see myself going to an event with a guy friend 1:1. Also, she calls my spouse when she has drama with her friends instead of her boyfriend. Once in a Blue moon, okay, but it seems to be happening more and more now that they're starting to connect more. My spouse has a huge heart and sometimes people use him to rant, emotionally depend on a lot, etc. even if not close. He would do anything helpful for anybody. What makes me nervous to set a boundary for this particular case is that my spouse used to brag on how I'm not jealous or controlling like a previous relationship he had. It makes me hesitate to bring up my feelings, as what if he takes it the wrong way and he thinks I have turned insecure, etc. All that to say, how do I explain & approach this? Tldr: spouse (31M) invited college friend (30F) to hockey game one on one. How do I explain without seeming crazy that this approached a boundary and I want him to know that from here on out?

There’s no way a wife is controlling by expecting her husband to honour & cherish her & his marriage with her. This woman’s actions are interfering with your marriage & your husband is letting her & you’re hesitating because he pats you on the head for staying stum & not being like his previous. He's been your husband for 3 years so just tell him straight that his behaviour with his friend is disrespecting you as a wife, regardless of how easy going you are. Tell him he's being an absolute arse about it all & ask him how he would react to you going out with some other bloke from your past whom he barely knows & who's a party animal & needy drama queen with failed relationships under his belt. Yeah, sure your husband would never let anyone down etc & you actually post that “He would do anything helpful for anybody” but what about you? his wife? what about your emotional health? boundaries? wtaf?! how about some respect for you & your marriage together. Loyalty? gone out the window by the look of it...just like his priorities. Oh hang on, maybe it's the free tickets that he won? Take your thoughts further & ask yourself just where this woman’s respect for you is & your marriage? Just where does she get off? As you post, this woman calls him instead of her BF when she has issues with others & it’s quite obvious that your husband thinks this behaviour is normal when it obviously isn’t. yep, there’s his actions controlling the situation right there in your face. For the record, there's not many wives/partners who would put up with this sort of bs & the mind boggles just how any husband would expect their wife to be happy & content with them taking an old college female friend anywhere by themselves regardless of how many years they’ve been married. So quit making excuses for him & step up & ask him to explain it all to you in plain English to help you to understand his behaviour. You're not being insecure but rather you're doing what any other loving wife would be doing & if it causes issues within your marriage, on top of the one that you’re posting about, then you will know without a doubt just where you actually stand with your husband.

Agree with Manalone. Including this bit: "Tell him he's being an absolute arse about it all & ask him how he would react to you going out with some other bloke from your past whom he barely knows & who's a party animal & needy drama queen with failed relationships under his belt." Yup, it's giant Dominator/A-hole type manoeuvring (or headgames), alright. Straight out of the Narc playbook. Not saying he IS one. But if he's looking to convince us he is - Bravo, Gold Medal (*holds nose and refuses to shake hand*). Perhaps he'd like to (scuse French) sh*t ("sheet") all over your wedding photos whilst he's at it? Anyway, answer is: his head would explode and he'd instantly kick you to the kerb, THAT'S how he'd react. Because that's what people who try that emotional pre-blackmail type Censorship DO. Once trust is lost, THAT'S IT! He'd have to start your relationship again, from scratch (which no-one's got time enough for in this one life). What kind of game is this that ostensibly-allegedly is more life-vital than his marriage? "What makes me nervous to set a boundary for this particular case is that my spouse used to brag on how I'm not jealous or controlling like a previous relationship he had." Get rid of that illegal roadblock he's erected there, and stand-up for yourself freely, ESPECIALLY WHEN IN THE RIGHT. And SO WHAT if you do/did trust him? YOU DON'T TRUST HER. Same bloody difference! Here, maybe his previous partner, likewise, used to be brag-worthily laid-back... until the day he felt he had HER hooked enough to risk giving HER cause to start feeling her marriage was suddenly at-threat (and not valued enough by him) too. If he tries to use that belittler to make you put-up with this no-no situation, try turning it back on him where it belongs, saying, So how did you take a braggably, fully-trusting wife and start turning her 'jealous' and insecure, eh?'. Or, 'Yes, I am feeling threatened by this threatening thing you're doing....funny, that (duuh?)'. Or (to an accusation 'you're just jealous'): 'Out of all of my past exes - ONLY NOW, WITH YOU! SO HOW DOES THAT WORK, THEN!?'. 'Pushing "a" boundary'? "Pushing?". No Fuujinfox, he is *kicking* THE NO. 1 BOUNDARY. May as well laugh at a funeral or piss on the gravestone! This is a common tactic of the morally lesser-than - and/or someone who can't live without constantly being admired whilst playing the hero to the inept damsel in (self-created) distress. Note the lickle-wickle sensitive fairy isn't distressed in the slightest about stamping on your toes, however...is she now. Yeah...poor wickle damsel... unless he's lied and told her you're okay with it? It's to get you striving to always behave (or react) NOTHING LIKE the ex (i.e. rightfully self-protective!). If he really thinks this intention of his is perfectly okay - I imagine ALL of his exes "turned-out" jealous or controlling, actually. I feel threatened too and I'm not even married to him! He should be protecting the welfare of his marriage, via your feelings, not defending his or this other woman's intentions as if you have to cease being a rounded healthy human with healthy reactions to unhealthy incoming (aaaargh!) (and breathe...). Or - what? One, fleeting sports event is worth risking the whole fabric of ones marriage for? PFFF. Does he always take huge risks for (allegedly) too-little gain? RsVP. Tell him to stop being a relationship-bouundary-crashing, spoilt BRAT, or he can spend the rest of his days with HER while you waste no time in finding a REAL man who can duh-uh-duh-uh understand the simple concept of loyalty and marriage vows ('forsaking all others'). At least amongst healthy partners - this is distinctly NOT ON. For many, it would be a Dealbreaker. What are you doing, married to a man who thinks he should have his cake and eat it to that offensive and drip-drip ntraumatising degree - all the perks of marriage whilst behaving like he's still single. Huh? One doesn't even HAVE to justify something that's perfectly universally acceptable (fidelity/loyalty and NOT behaving in ways that even merely suggest otherwise). "spouse used to brag on how I'm not jealous or controlling like a previous relationship he had" And what type of person (i.e. true colours) would think to brag about something like that to any third party, anyway. Think about it. This is pure Manipulation (be like she was (reacted) and you'll be deemed, as problematic as her... aka 'Let me flout the laws or the puppy gets it'). It's a common Narcissistic tactic. Not one any decent husband would touch with a bargepole (NOR need it explained!). He just would NOT go there... For, how on earth would it be worth it when weighed against your whole marriage together (- trust me, this is sulphuric acid to a pairbond, drip-by-drip). Furthermore, how do you KNOW whom OR WHETHER he asked or that they all refused? Because he told you with his mouth? Ask for proof, go on. Again, if he doesn't like his partners getting a situationally-appropriate, perfectly reasonable, rational reaction, called jealousy, he shouldn't press their natural, human, jealousy buttons, should he (let alone to such a degree). Or as I'd put it: If you don't like the flavour of choccie-bar that comes out of this vending-machine I suggest you cease trying to force bent coins into my slot. :pppp Or are you married to Forrest Gump (- whenever it suits him to let you wonder if he's just a bit thick). It matters less what or who-with, than the fact it naturally is upsetting you, his wife and life partner, by rendering you feeling insecure/precarious. THAT....SHOULD BE ENOUGH...TO MAKE HIM *NOT WANT TO* any more! It should put him RIGHT off! So who was it taught him that this shady crap is acceptable in any committed r/ship, let alone legal marriage contract, whilst the rest of us were taught/picked-up pretty easily the fact that, NO IT'S NOT? Or do the rules of purity of heart, intention and social decency not apply to him? Just you and the rest of us lesser mortals? *The whole *unilateral*(!) decision is preposterous even in the utterance alone!*. Me, I wouldn't even say, 'Go and we're over!'. Just coming out with that as a serious intention/fait accomplis would alone be enough for me. ('I don't want a partner who doesn't know how to treat other grown adults, not even his very wife, thank-you-very-much. I made a misjudgement so I'm taking you back to the shop!') If he'd wanted some sort of open or semi-open marriage, he should have laid those cards on the table BEFORE you agreed to marry him, not try to slide it in after you're well-and-truly embroiled. It's called Moving The Goalposts and (head exploding) Dual Standards & Hypocrisy (- call Advertising Standards! That is NOT what it said on his tin!...or you'd never have married him.) And whilst you're at it, remind him that partner liberty-taking works both ways. So - 'Thanks for basically telling me that I am at liberty do the exact same/similar with some or other male friend YOU'VE barely met and can tell is trouble, regardless of how lastingly sh*t it'd make YOU feel, and you yourself will be powerless to protest against A NEW RULE THAT YOU YOUR VERY SELF FORCIBLY INTRODUCED! (Own Goal, matey - how's THAT for hockey!) Does he really not know all of this at his age? Come off it. He is not only 3 years old, never had a steady relationship...nor, growing-up, a radio, telly, etc., etc. OF COURSE HE KNOWS! Conclusion: he's trying to permanently destroy a vital boundary. A lynchpin support section. And for what! As you can see - I'm angry. Outraged. Basically ranting (at him, through you) in disorganised stream-of-consciousness at his bare-faced cheek of a bullying/dominating attempt. Why aren't you outraged and fuming. What do you MEAN you trust him? Don't you mean, you USED TO before now/this? Lastly but definitely not leastly: "My spouse has a huge heart " + "He would do anything helpful for anybody." The above conversation begs to differ...certainly when it comes to you... so, again I'm with Manalone. No man with a huge heart would choose spending alone-time in a textbook- perfect cheating set-up with a (er) woman whom barely matters to him, over the feelings/built trust etc., with she who ostensibly...allegedly... ABSOLUTELY DOES! (That's a Gotcha... And I. do. not. like. your. so. called. husband - sorry - because he's making Narc moves.) Oh, and/but, he's not just 'letting her'. He's positively encouraging her! He invited her, not the other way around! She did not take vows with you - HE DID! Or what ELSE would you call it if a married man asked you, a single woman of his same-ish age, away for the night instead of his wife or buddies? Why, allegedly, did none of his friends want to take him up on such an amazing, virtually free offer, anyway??? Are they only kids posing as grown-ups, too, and their mummies did tell them they couldn't go? Maybe Billy No Mates IS stupid enough to risk being mistaken for a Narc via Narc moves and in truth is just utterly desperate to have someone-anyone to go with. But who cares whether his aim is flirting with cheating or just not looking like some saddo (his perception maybe). That's HIS problem. So why should you have to contort yourself (bend-over-backwards) to point of fractured bones to accommodate some character deformity of his? Do you LOOK like a bad-behaviour Enabler?! PS: Why can't you go? Maybe(?) this is his way of asking without having to ask (invitation via threat of consequence of declining)? Still death to a lasting marriage, though. PPS: Ooh, nooo, he might not liiike it, that yooou aren't happyyy abooout it, mew-mew. Listen, he needs a cast-iron consequence writ large for him if his own conscience (his Jiminy Cricket), on having that great idea pop into his head, didn't immediately slap his stupid face. (Sorry.) (*blood-curdling scream of frustration*)

Forgot: PS: "I just feel this is pushing a boundary I failed to set (this situation has never happened the entire time we've been together)." THAT YOU FAILED TO SET?????????? It is no more a wife's responsibility to set/explain/teach via repetition the vital need for such a universally-known and respected (amongst healthy-NON-narcs) relationship boundary/taboo for her fully-grown male husband than it is to have to teach him how to wipe his own bottom or tie his own shoelaces. (Oh, and so what if it didn't the entire time - although in fact ...it just has. 'Never happened until now', you mean. Sorry, but pedantry/precision is vital here.) You failed WHAT? To raise him 'proper'? YOU FAILED NOTHING. YOU'RE NOT HIS MOTHER AND HE'S NOT YOUR 5-YEAR-OLD KID. YOU DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR *UNWITTINGLY* ADOPTING AN OVERGROWN, OVER-HAIRY LITTLE KID WHO STILL HAS NO CLUE HOW THE WORLD, PEOPLE AND RELATIONSHIPS WORK (or fail). YOU WANTED A MALE ADULT *PARTNER*. Correct? So did you get your order okay or should you think about sending it back for one that works right and *doesn't* wantonly (and not subtly ENOUGH) injure you? Oh, and you asked (tellingly), how to approach (so that he basically doesn't get upset with you (pardon?!?!)). I recommend you state your case to him via email and ask for his response by-return. Let's see him put his Word Salad style justifications and claim of innocence in writing, shall we? By putting it - and the consequences he's risking - in a letter, he'll have to take you seriously. Plus, be unable to interrupt you or steer you off-course. If he tries to respond in-person, just cover your ears and say, 'Are you an e-mail response-no-you-are-not'. Although, if he shows he can't even respect your wishes, to keep things calm by conversing from a distance like that, then - PFFFF... the whole relationship from his side is a picnic short of a picnic. I repeat: you have NOT "turned insecure". He has TURNED YOU insecure. Diff...all the diff in the world. (Oy, pal! Do you turn ALL your so-called partners from chill people into insecure and anxious ones who daren't even feel free to state their complaint in case you 'get upset'? How dya manage THAT, THEN? What - deliberately tell them you're just off to the other side of the state with Little Miss Irresponsible No Boundaries Train-Crash-type Drama Queen? Do you pull this woman out like a White Rabbit from your hat? To stop your partners from demanding NORMAL, RESPECTFUL, SANE, BOYFRIENDLY/HUSBANDLY TREATMENT FROM YOU?) (And could that neatly answer your question - "I was confused how they were friends at this stage in life." - with: Because she's useful as a manipulation tool (Control via Triangulation?)) Question: Do you have access to his last ex...the "jealous and controlling one"? Were it me, I'd want to compare notes. Here...wait up!.... It's just occurred to me (not really hah): Isn't your at-best, disloyal and socially inept husband 'controlling YOU' (this case, against daring to ever exert your god-given right to protest at and prohibit the maritally-unconscionable) exactly what he's managing to do - AS WE SPEAK?..... Ohhh yeeeeah....So he iiiis.... Curiouser and curiouser, said Alice. Sorry if it's too much/heavy too soon. Take your time, try my suspicions on for size and just see if they fit/make sense of everything. If not - brilliant. But then we'd have to accept that he's just ...well,....really-really insensitive to point of THICK. Meaning, you ARE going to have to also be his parent/raiser if you stay with him. (Greeeaat.)