Does he care or not

Husband had a night away with work during the week. Told me the night before but he knew at least 2 weeks before he had to stay away. He has stayed away for 1 night each year for 12 years to do with work. I believe him when he tells me this. It’s to take his customers out for the evening for a meal and drinks. I knew the night away was coming up and I was wondering when he was going to tell me. He has done this quite a few times when he as only told me the night before and 2 years a go, he went abroad for 2 nights with his work and I was not really happy about it but could not stop him. I felt insecure about him going and I have accused him of cheating and we have had marriage counselling over this because of my insecurity. I’ve even got him on FindMy and he is ok with it because he says he is upto nothing and he never has been. I still get insecure but I have not found any evidence of him cheating on me. He said he did not tell me he was going because of how I get which I have got so worked up in the past because I have thought he is cheating, but I told him by telling me the night before it makes it harder and I suppose it’s like a big secret and he’s kept it from me. I ended up staying out the night he was coming back. He knew I would do this because I have it before and stupid me ended up calling him up. We had a big argument the night before he stayed away and I always worry I have pushed him too far. I should realise that he would be ok because he has been out with his work colleagues and had a good night. He never worries about me and we don’t call or text at all the night he stays away. So we ignore each other like petty kids. I regret I rang him because I feel I look like I’m letting him think it was ok what he did by not telling me he was staying away until the last minute. I was thinking I should have waited to see if he would have rang me up and I feel a fool by calling first. When I spoke to him the night I stayed away he said he did not know if to ring or leave it. So if I had not rang him it would have been 48 hours that we would have last spoken. We spoke and I told him how I felt and then I said I would see him the next day at home. I left the hotel and was on my way home when he sent a text to say was I on my way back and I was 10 minutes away. I then got another text to ask me if I still had the window cleaners details. I was driving at the time and he must of known this but I sent one back to say I did have them. He could have waited until I got home to get them off me and I felt like that was the only reason he sent me a text. I was only 10 minutes away. The window cleaner had been out in the morning and needed paying but it was still early afternoon so it wasn’t like it was night time and the window cleaner had not been paid. I got in the door and I can’t recall if I spoke or not. I know I threw the card details of the window cleaner on the table to him to pay him. I feel he had no respect for me or cares about me enough. He tells me he does but it’s like I’m testing his love. I wanted him to call me first or text to see if I was ok when I stayed away but he didn’t. Then the next day he wasn’t worried I was driving when he asked if I still had the window cleaners details. He said I didn’t have to text him to say I had the details and I realise I should if said, well you could have waited 10 minutes since I was so close to home. He is 59 60 next month. I’m 55. I have thought maybe he gets off on it seeing me get worked up and he gets a kick seeing how I am, that’s why he does not tell me the night before he stays away. I told him this but he said he doesn’t and he doesn’t want me going on about it if he tells me the week or two before because of how I go on. So what should I had done? Not called him and waited for him to? Not sent the text about the window cleaner? Treat him how he treats me then one day say to him, I’ve got to stay away tomorrow and not give him notice I’m staying away and see how he likes it?

Forgot to add that we always go out each week for a meal and the cinema, usually on a Wednesday. He told me on the Tuesday he was staying away the next day, so if he had told me on the weekend or a week earlier we could have had our night out but he did not. I felt like he didn’t care because he was having his night out with work and didn’t care about him and me having a meal out or doing our thing. I think he was selfish

Re: I think he was selfish > You CAN be selfish too Bein selfish, playin childish games is not the way forward I have some news for you, this may surprise you > You are BOTH adults You need to be adult about this if he had told me on the weekend or a week earlier we could have had our night out but he did not > you did not have your night out together - did the world end? the world still goes on it seems to me that you are probably a bit clingy

So what about him texting me asking if I still had the window cleaners details whilst I was driving? He said I did not have to text him back to say I did but he didn’t have to text me to asked for them when I was only 10 minutes from home. To me he is like a baby. A couple of weeks back just because I said about him meeting his fancy woman at the services, he was out from 9am til 12 at night. This was a joke about the fancy woman because I say now and then where is he meeting her today. He denies he as one. So he was sending messages saying to our kids to not bother getting him anything for his birthday and don’t waste any money on him. Then to me he was saying I don’t care about him and I would be better if without him and he thinks I want him out of my life. He says he sat in the car and listened to music after work and just drove around. I saw where he was becayse I have him on Find My. He acted like a big child to me and I’ve always wondered how I married him. If I had known I wouldn’t have.

Hey Kemma, I'm overloaded so going to have to be brief, but... His defence/justification is entirely illogical. If you gave you notice, YES you'd be a little upset. But not like at the Eleventh or Twelfth Hour. Instead, you could have time to adjust to the idea and take counter-measures to not be left-in-the-lurch (stood-up, basically). So that means he's lying (cos he ain't uh-duh-uh-duh Forest Gump's more retarded cousin). "He never worries about me" Oh yeah? Wanna bet? AND he still takes you on weekly dates? Forget the small details and subsequent outcomes/manners, etc.... Your husband is the one who is insecure - over his power to keep you from meeting someone tasty (with the super-powers to lure you away, you helpless little flower, you (rolls eyes)). So he employs this Old Chestnut of female-manipulation (they all do it, the insecure ones - even the nice ones): 1. Oops-forgets to tell you, thereby DENYING YOU ENOUGH RUN-UP TIME TO HIS DEPARTURE DATE, TO BOOK A GIRL'S NIGHT... 2. Where said Super-sexy-Super-Man (cleverer than him, better-looking maybe...) would throw you over his shoulder and make off with you Amen. 3. Result: He is WELL AWARE how much failing to give you notice destabilizes and upsets you, so.... a) Either you'll feel too miz to organise even a last-minute night out (where you'll bump into said Super-Superior-Man), OR b) And even if you force yourself/a friend forces you out - through being even background upset, you won't attract diddly-squat, even IF your face, even in subconscious microexpressions, somehow DOESN'T look like a wet-weekend (men can sense which fruit is ready AND in the zone for being chat-up-able/pick-up-able), then c. You won't even NOTICE any eyes being made at you. d. Or if you do: you'll start confiding in the bloke about your husband (in addition, thereby showing him he's in the Friend Zone before he's even got started!). AIM.... FIRE..... *BULLSEYE* You keep falling for it. That's what's going on. 50p, please. However.... This doesn't necessarily mean he isn't cheating. Nor that he just feels safer with you continually SUSPECTING/WORRYING he is. Probably not the former, I don't think... "He never worries about me" I think he 'worries' about you TOO much. Too much to be healthy. Hence his attempts to avoid your 'potential' infidelity or propensity or susceptibility (loneliness?) to any advances in his absence, via underhanded control mechanisms. He is, after all, hurting you rather a lot in his bid to 'medicate' his own lack of self-worth/trust, isn't he. Is this properly occurring to him - or isn't it? Question, though: Is there anything you're LIGITIMATELY doing - and haven't realised (because he daren't tell you in-case it gives you power over insecure-him (rolls eyes again)) - that is creating or exacerbating his nagging fear? The excuses to phone you are part of the same agenda. To keep a check on you and your moves. To wit: "I left the hotel and was on my way home when he sent a text to say was I on my way back and I was 10 minutes away. I then got another text to ask me if I still had the window cleaners details. I was driving at the time and he must of known this but I sent one back to say I did have them. He could have waited until I got home to get them off me and I felt like that was the only reason he sent me a text." Panicking and trying to catch you mid-snog with your new, secret lover (eyes revolve 360 degrees). He can NOT remove his discomforts over the 'scariness' of a marriage and your power over his heart and ego, by making you experience those discomforts over him instead. (Painfully Hot Potato, anyone.) That is not allowed. Not only that, but if he doesn't stop (an twy harder to be a bwave boy insthead), then - all he'll be doing is continuing to kick the love out of you... meaning, will actively himself bring about the very fearful outcome that he has been trying, painfully-manipulatively, to AVOID. It's called, Do not look at the oncoming cars, nor too far ahead up the road. Look at YOUR side of the road only and focus on the coming road whilst your peripheral vision will cover the road immediately in-front as well as in the distance. (God.... Some men can be SOOOO...THICK) Anyway, can you see it now? Don't get angry (you'll just make him worse). Vent and scream and "Whyy I oudda...!", here with us so that when you tackle this/him, you are positively chilled. Your reaction should no longer be in the vein of 'whyyy yooou beeeing soo meeeean to meeee, whaaah!'. They should be (any variants or pick-'n-mixing you like): - "Ugh..." (disengage) - Did you really just say that out-loud? - "Why are you insisting on behaving like a prat?" - "HUH????" - "Do I LOOK like I came down the in last shower?" - "Here's my 'I really believe you face' (pull an ugly face) Otherwise, your kids are gonna run RINGS round you! Anyway-way - have a readipoos, drinkipoos and thinkipoos and report back (if you like). And then we can all discuss how/when to approach him, and what sorts of things you want to know and say. (My vote is date night. How conveniently useful is THAT!...."Shpookayyyyyy....") PS: You MIGHT want to check out online the traits and behaviours of Narcissistic Husbands, just-in-case. I don't see a bona fide one yet tho, just BLOODY INSECURE (did his mum or first love repeatedly tell him he was ugly or useless or something?!) Reason I suggest that is due to his Word Salad of a (failed) justification up there. I also think he's harbouring resentment as well - hence feeling like you deserve the pain. Could be cuckoo thinking, might not be. Refer to above, are you unknowingly treading on his toes, question. (Whaaat, Peeps? This IS a short one for me! ;p)

PS: When a Narc employs that 'manipulated-into-fidelity' campaign, his reasons are different. He is NOT worried that he could/might lose you because that would mean serious heartbreak and life-disruption for him too. He is worried someone might nick his Golden Goose (for selfish gain/benefits/advantages/reputation/....public Masking). Are there any ways in which you could be considered his Golden Goose? Or is it more, fear of losing his Golden Angel? (Saying that, I don't think your hotel stays help. Do you (now)?)

PPS: "I felt insecure about him going and I have accused him of cheating and we have had marriage counselling over this because of my insecurity. I’ve even got him on FindMy and he is ok with it because he says he is upto nothing and he never has been. I still get insecure but I have not found any evidence of him cheating on me." As I say - I don't get the sense he's cheating, either. Probably because when you counter his manipulation by going to a hotel, he sits, wherever he is, looking dead UN-sexy, like a Wet Weekend too. ("Anizznit ironic..., doncha think?") Ergo, Mr Thickie from Thickieville (or Mr Too Scared To Think Beyond Age 4 Level, from the Nursery), IS HURTING HIMSELF INTO THE BARGAIN *ANYWAY*. ('Why I oudda....bang yer heads together' haha) (Maybe...let's see what you say first).

Take your time btw. Me, I'm overloadedly busy this week/ongoingly at the mo., and, you, you need to sit and let this silly-boy gameplan of his sink-in. This is because - you must have been in HUUUUGE Cognitive Dissonance all this time!... 'I can SEE he can't be cheating - AND YET HE IS BEHAVING EXACTLY LIKE A CHEATER..... no, he's not cheating.....yes, he is, he must be....nooo.....yeesss.....WHAAAH, I DON'T BEEPING KNOWWWWWW!' And repeat one thousand times. We've all been there. Read this over and over (then think...then re-read again...repeat...), with a well-earned glass of your fave vino. It's like staring into the gloom... the longer you do it, the more previously non-visible things pop into visibility, because your eyes adjust. Don't feel stupid, either. We normal-healthies don't expect that behaviour from grown adults so aren't attuned to or expecting it. (We're stronger and braver - we don't NEED bloody sign language. And I know you're brave because - hotels + your refusal to cease rightfully protesting. ;)) You need to know: if he were NOT that incredibly self-undervaluing and insecure about losing you being that easy (another determined stranger bloke), then, the way you started dealing with it was correct and would/should have worked. You are no the problem. Even with your subconscious counter-attacks (hotels) (dat be where lovers do shag, innit) (sneaaakyyyyy? hahah) But with a suitably secure bloke, things wouldn't even have GOT to that point so - hotel-schmotel. Are you understanding me okay?

Let us look closely at what is actually happening here. Yes, your husband giving you late notice for a work trip is a logistical issue, and it is perfectly normal to prefer clear, timely communication. But we must separate that practical reality from the massive emotional reaction that followed. Why did he delay telling you? He told you the truth: he was avoiding your reaction. When there is a history of tracking his location and projecting fears of infidelity onto his present actions, he perceives sharing his schedule not as simple communication, but as a trigger for inevitable conflict. Fear prevents people from telling the simple truth because they are terrified of the ensuing emotional storm. By constantly anticipating betrayal without evidence, your own fear has created an environment where your partner feels he cannot be open without being attacked. Notice what your mind did when he left. You immediately began interpreting reality through the lens of your insecurity. A mundane text about a window cleaner became "proof" that he does not care. You began playing games—withholding contact, regretting reaching out, and wondering if you should retaliate to "teach him a lesson." This is the ego in full control. The ego keeps score and turns a loving connection into a hostile business transaction. If you treat him poorly just to see how he likes it, you are guaranteeing the exact emotional distance and disconnection you are so terrified of. You are using control and punishment to demand that he soothe an inner void that only you can heal. A conscious response would look entirely different. It would mean saying, "I understand you need to travel, but next time, please let me know earlier," said calmly, without any underlying threat, anger, or emotional weight. Then, you would use the time apart to connect with yourself, enjoying your own independence while he is gone, rather than desperately waiting for him to validate you. You must become the absolute source of your own emotional security, or you will constantly perceive his ordinary, human flaws as existential threats to your survival.