Exes, both married to other people, but still in love with each other

I broke up with my ex boyfriend more then 20 yrs ago,due to family issues.It was both our 1st couple and intimate relationships.We were inseperable and madly inlove.I got married 18 yrs ago.We never had contact again.I've recently discovered that he never stopped loving me.He is aware of what is going on in my life,how many kids i have,where i stay,etc.I was shocked because i thought that he moved on.He got married,15 yrs ago.I've discovered, to forget about me and to settle down,but never stopped loving me.Recently,i had a premonition that something happened with him.I contacted him(1st time in 18 yrs) and he told me he was fine,though he still sounded angry with me for dumping him, that time.Though i've heard,through the grapevine,he said to somebody,that me making contact with him,after the premonition meant that our relationship was meant to be! I've discovered afterwards that he went through a bad time,at the time i had the premonition,thought about me aloud, questioning why things had to turn out the way it did.I believe we are connected telepethacally.I experience his emotions,i don;t understand why!I realised afterwards that i still loved him,never really stopped.We are both unhappy in our marriages.We have no contact with each other,but he knows how i feel about him.I am in the process of getting divorced,due to being in an abusive marriage,since the beginning.He was under the impression that i was happy,from what he had seen.He doesn;t know how to handle the situation.I just want to move on.I just wished he would forgive me for breaking up with him and not to send me these messages.I wanted to meet with him because we still have unresolved issues from the past.He refused.I heard from somebody that he said that i will be disappointed in him if i should see him now.Now what does he want from me?He still loves me but refuses to see me and doesn;t want to sort the past out.I want to move on with my life but don't want to look 10yrs from now and deal with the same issues and relive the breakup and dormant emotions.I can't force him to see me.But it breaks my heart hearing that he is still suffering and what he went through after our breakup!

Poppie, yes, you need closure but your ex needs to have the need and recognize that need to communicate with you to give you the closure. If he does this, it'll be closure for you both. It breaks your heart that he is still suffering from your breakup with him 20 years ago but you need to hear this directly from him. The grapevine never stops but it sometimes twists things that we want to hear and not so much what we need to hear. You've mentioned throughout your post about somebody said this and somebody said that but that's not good enough. You are going through divorce and you need to get over this marriage properly before you can even think about 'approaching' your ex. You need to clear your head first. Regrettably Poppie, I don't think your ex wants to rehash the past, I think it's too painful for him and he does blame you solely for it, but that's his lookout. You need to understand, that you need to move on, to organise your life after your divorce but you can't drag your ex back into it if he doesn't want to be dragged into it...regardless of what you're hearing.