My violent sexual desires

I just want to share this because I am so confused right now. A young boy of 5 years deriving joy from seeing a lady get stabbed to death in a movie seems odd doesn't it. I didn't understand why I felt that way then. It was just the same feeling I felt when my dad bought me a new game console or when I had good grades in class. Growing up was a bit awkward because I was always asking myself lot of questions. Questions like why don't I have many friends like my siblings?, why do I hate parties?, why am i shy to talk to girls?, why do I feel uncomfortable in social environments? Anyway I grew up in a average christian family. Forced to go to church, read the bible and so on. I had a strict father who not spare emotionally abusive words if I erred. My parents normally always quarreled and had fights which often made me sad and cry. I blamed everything on my dad. As I approached puberty my weird fetish kind of found its way into my sexual construction. As a teenager I became more outgoing and more talkative but I was still a bit shy. I remember one time in grade 8, and we were watching a school play where a girl who was poisoned fell down and died, just by seeing her die I had an erection immediately. I was surprised at this but didn't let it bother me. I consequently discovered that I had erections whenever I saw a lady die in any movie I watched. Funny enough due to the pleasant sexual feeling I experienced I started watching such movies where I knew a lady would die and I watched them over and over. The older I grew the more I wanted more, I didn't just want more, I wanted it to be better. I watched porn once and I didn't really like it. It looked so irritating to me. The idea of sex alone doesn't interest me at all. I have had female friends but never had anyone so close I would call my girlfriend. When I turned 17 around the time I finished high school, my sexual orientation took another dimension. I started fantasizing about me killing a female. I couldn't get an arousal except it involved the actual thought of killing normally by strangling. Its something I just can't explain. Thanks to the internet and, I found lot of sites that had the kind of videos I wanted. I downloaded most of them and masturbated watching them. The older I grew the worse it became. Whenever I see an attractive girl, those thoughts of killing flood my mind and wipe away any sort of religious and moral sanity. The thought of my hands round her neck and her struggling for breath as life fades from her eyes as I watch her finally give up as her eyes stare blankly is second to non. This has become a huge part of my psychology and I think it can only get worse. I have also become cold as in lacking some normal feelings such as love,pity and guilt I posted this here because I express my feelings better in writing and since I haven't told anyone yet about this and I don't know what to do.

I found your post intriguing. There is one aspect to it that makes me suspect you aren't the real deal but I will proceed as though you are... You sir share quite a few symptoms of what is known as "avoidant personality disorder." Ironically i am unaware of any sexually driven/motivated serial killer in my studies that did not have this disorder. There is more to that than just symptoms obviously so it is important you don't take it as me accusing you of becoming a serial killer. I myself have that disorder, (fyi that disorder has nothing to do alone, with your sexual fantasies.) does not mean were just gonna snap and become serial killers. But in truth I have had to over the years teach myself how to behave in public and how to see the hidden messages within socializing when it is necessary to do so. Trust me making someone laugh to the point where their in tears at a funeral, makes people wonder just what kind of monster you are. I've done that and I would suggest you learn quickly when joking is appropriate if you have not already. Contrary to Hollywood you don't get to just wait until the next scene pops up. Now emotions are a huge part in all this. You have said you almost come across as "cold." Well then your in a way your in luck. Because if your concerned about becoming a killer, someone who's cold and distant is going to have a hard time being with someone. You have to look at it this way. A predator does not catch prey being obvious about what its doing. Take a shark for example its outline can be mistaken for other things, its shade tone allows it to vanish within its habitat. It doesn't swim with its teeth showing obviously. (unless your talkin about a sand tiger shark lol) They're tucked in quietly and unassumingly. Human "predators" behave the same way. The ones that have to act alone have to learn how to adapt. Since you are almost terrified of women your not quite there yet. Sooo when Susiedqqq said your a sick dude. She wasn't lying, but your salvageable (o.o) IF you get professional assistance. Let's take a look at the emotions of Guilt and pity. They are pointless and useless emotions. Now remorse and sympathy are something else entirely. Remorse usually leads to action or heartfelt change. Guilt is just pity towards ones own self. Pity is fake, false and temporary. Sympathy is more meaningful and real. I have slowly learned and progressed to feel those emotions with each step being nothing short of an epiphany for me. I can joke, laugh, be angry, be flat and be quiet. But thats all i can do... for now. I am working on being capable of doing more like sympathizing, having empathy with others or feeling remorse. As for your anger towards women well thats easy. It goes back to the childhood. Usually issues like these do. To a child a woman represents comfort, tenderness, a web of unique security that a father cannot provide simply because they just aren't mentally designed that way. Mothers have an innate ability to nurture their young. So somewhere down the line you as a child must have had an issue with your mother. Maybe she wasn't as protective as she should have been and as a result she may have not been as in control atleast it would have appeared to the ever evolving eyes of 4-8yr old about. I don't quite recall which guy, but i think im thinkn its Maslow's Hierarchy but it doesn't sound right im sure i could explain it through his chart but that would take a bit. BUT anyway usually when you have issues with women its because you have an issue with your mother. Like if we took this image and stepped back. Heres what we would see. -abusive childhood(emotionally) -awkwardness with women -discovery of pleasure when death of a woman occurs -fantasizing about killing women So where's the problem? -abusive choldhood Guess what you didn't once mention your "mother" you said parents but not mother. Why is that? That's where you need to begin looking. And it would be wise to do it with professional help.