PeoplesProblems Logo

Autism - Who am I?

Default profile image
Dear reader, I'm a 16 yo girl who is very probably autistic (runs in the family and my parents recognised it in both me and my brothers, a psychologist specialised in autism recognised it years ago and this year my autistic family doctor and current psychologist recognised it too. Im currently waiting for an appointment with a psychiatrist to get more information.) Anyways, I've lately been depressed due to school and social trouble and it has come to my attention that my moods have been changing involuntarily way more often. I would like to clarify that I'm not talking about going from happy to irritable. Compare it with a responsible, carrying and worried mom who puts way too much pressure on herself switching towards a 4 yo kid who doesn't realise that they are hurting their friend with saying certain things and who will be overly happy, dragging other around, and not always would I fully remember the details of the times I am like that afterwards. Please note that before this depression I would be usually the too responsible adult (for my age), which also was due to my living situation. Apart from this I am feeling less and less like myself, I don't know who I am nor what I would act like. Ever since I learnt about the ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) I've been doubting a big part of how I acted before, not knowing if I have just been copying my parents and started to act like them or if this is part of my self. I also would like to admit that it is really difficult for me to express my emotions, how to identify them, how to talk about them, etc. Lately I have found a way to express them, but it may be a bit weird.. I would act like a dog. If sad or disappointed I would winge. If I'm almost crying I want to howl. I continuously want to crawl on my boyfriend's and best friend's (who are the only ones with who I'm not too ashamed to act like this) lap. I feel like I can be myself when I am acting like a dog. The thing is, they both have jokingly said that I remind them of DID/MPD/Bipolar. I took it as a joke, but after doing some research I don't really know what to think of it anymore. Is it a joke or are they unconsciously on to something? I told my mom about this and she told me not to worry, but I can't get it out of my mind. I know that you can't diagnose someone over a text, but maybe you could give me some advice? I am too scared to talk with my family doctor and psychologist about it, so my only option would be to wait for an appointment with a psychiatrist, but who knows whether I will trust them enough.. Thank you for taking your time to read this message. Sincerely, Me

Autism - Who am I?

Default profile image
Hi 'Me' :D Really sorry you haven't had an response yet, it's because respondents are thin on the ground at the moment and I've been having on-off trouble with my internet connection. I'll be freer tomorrow, if you don't mind waiting a little longer. (We're slow but we're good, haha.) Thanks for your patience. :)

Autism - Who am I?

Default profile image
Hi again, You got Me. :) I don't read ahead bar the title and first sentance so forgive me my gut response and audible workings-out as I go sentance-by-sentance... "I'm a 16 yo girl who is very probably autistic (runs in the family and my parents recognised it in both me and my brothers, a psychologist specialised in autism recognised it years ago and this year my autistic family doctor and current psychologist recognised it too. Im currently waiting for an appointment with a psychiatrist to get more information.)" You sound very high-functioning (which is what happens when you have to fit-in with Neurotypicals because you don't know why you're different; you mould yourself). Asperger's, yes? "Anyways, I've lately been depressed due to school and social trouble and it has come to my attention that my moods have been changing involuntarily way more often." Well, of course they have. Who are the Mean Girls and what are they doing/saying? Details? B*tches. You've not enough on your plate as it is. I bet they know that - or predator-sense it. They're scared and jealous of different-in-a-good way that's about to blossom and NOW about to get a helping-hand to blossom double-fast, so they're probably trying to stop you from blossoming by making you too depressed to move, because already you "make" them feel AS INADEQUATE AND BOG-STANDARD AS THEY *ARE* (or think/keep getting told they are). It's always the way... You'd feel SORRY for them if they weren't dealing with it in the worst, most ultimately SELF-destructive way (just using you and other peers as a medium/channel). Take it as the perversely giant compliment it is and then research coping mechanisms. Asperger's and Autistics have just been 'discovered' for their characteristics and amazingly rare skills and talents, are the next big thing, commercially (which will obvs spread to social). This is a caterpillar coming out of the chysallis a butterfly after much frantic gymwork to rip out and take to the happier sky. No need to worry, just to be aware of the fact it's (annoyingly) the way with blessings in-disguise...they feel like hell while they're happening (tell it to the trapped, terrified, claustraphobic and frantically panicked butterflies!). You're a little adult in a kid suit so, that's 'how' you make them feel stupid and boring and silly (which they call annoying). You'd do better with older friends who'd appreciate you. Right Qualities (Yours) WRONG RECIPIENTS! Maybe they're trying to 'bully you normal' because they need your (adult) validation that they are normal...which they can't kid themselves if a (sorry but it's true) far superior model (course it is - you're a born adult!) so it's there way of TRAINING/CONVERTING you to be more like them? Also, their hormones are probably up the creek. Well....Up their bums, frankly. They can stay threatened and jealous forever (which they probably will if they're THAT psychologically and behaviourally stunted, still, at age SIXTEEEEEEEEN-UH!). Their choice. Try to elude them. The less contact with them, the better. Or better yet - report them. But let's wait for your formal assessment first. You're not crippled/whatever. You're a type of superbeing (an evolutionary shunt forward via the increasing blossoming of a hybrid (Neanderthals mating with Cromagnons), so increasingly reckon the US psychiatric/therapeutic industry. Without the facilities and open doors, you're crippled (by cripples). But these days - and with what's brewing (Popularity City), it's easier. So it's SIMPLY a case of too-heavy mental load (luggage) for a kid/teen until your muscles strengthen and you get a handle on it. And then once you do, it's just your normal and there's no stopping you from going even higher from there, and the Mean Girls will be laughing on the other side of their face(s). It's pigging hard work at the top, though, eh - as you're starting to find out. (You'll adapt, no worries, and the advantages outweight the negatives now you lot have been generationally and genetically evolving (all that self-nagging/shaping).) Have you tried Wrong Planet website yet? "I would like to clarify that I'm not talking about going from happy to irritable. Compare it with a responsible, carrying and worried mom who puts way too much pressure on herself switching towards a 4 yo kid who doesn't realise that they are hurting their friend with saying certain things and who will be overly happy, dragging other around, and not always would I fully remember the details of the times I am like that afterwards." Zoning-Out a bit so that your stress-bucket can overflow because if you were fully awake your equally giant Jiminy Cricket wouldn't allow it and yet your inner primitive animal (naked ape) knows it's imperative. Common stuff for a while (you're learning to control your mind and master your tools and weapons - which all teens are...but obviously you have a far greater amount to master in your life-tools cache...they've just been dormant until now). Coping mechanism: sport/athletics, preferably competitive running/jogging, or fun tantruming, otherwise known as, Trampolining. ;) Or just run around the block and back. Your depression will start to lift once you flush out the causal toxins the healthier, faster way. Are you grabbing and pulling at your hair or banging your head against a cupboard door out of injustice-rage and frustration? Don't do it if so, punch a cushion instead. Or fidget including playing with your fingers more (no picking/biting off skin, though!). Try knitting/crocheting as you listen to the radio...the click-clacking's very soothing, as is the fact it's a productive fidget. (I'd like a scarf, please, haha.) Meantime...try Boxing or Karate ('offensive-defensive'). Is there a club near you? You will OOZE Arnie-ness and predators (bullies) are always the first to smell that and give you a wide berth (bar the mega-arrogant maestro ones who love a challenge.....and then vow never to mess with an Aspie/HFAutie ever again, haha). They can smell you could (never mind if you never arrived in that situation) *actually* back/follow-through any threat. And bullies are cowards, meaning, don't pick on people mentally tougher/bigger than themselves at the time of initial targetting. They pick on smaller or the temporarily-situationally depressed/down. They get you "quick!" whilst you're down or mentally distracted/over-engaged. Depression is Aggression locked-in and facing the wrong way and target (normally...until you hit Critical like you just did. Not MUCH of an Aspie 'tantrum' though, by the sounds of it. Maybe just do fast disco dancing for an hour every night?) (There are way more bonuses to this, you realise? You're not about to blossom/manifest into a superhuman, but you ARE going to, into a super-human. Friendly giant but like a big dog: no need to bark, just appear and give 'em a "Paddington Hard Stare", haha.) "Please note that before this depression I would be usually the too responsible adult (for my age), which also was due to my living situation." Oh, look - "snap"! There you go, then. With whom are you in Role Reversal. Your mother? "Apart from this I am feeling less and less like myself, I don't know who I am nor what I would act like." Mm-hm - chrysalis. And nor does the caterpillar - for a while. Our version is just psychological but it's still true. You need feedback...shown your reflection from all angles in the mirror. You've been deprived of feedback. I can feedback for you. You might not even need it through if you're at wing-beating stage because that's when you get the view from the clouds-down and everything goes click. Takes a few good years for the clicking to finish but it mainly does. "Ever since I learnt about the ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) I've been doubting a big part of how I acted before, not knowing if I have just been copying my parents and started to act like them or if this is part of my self." Mostly you struggling under such massive luggage (for your stay on this planet), but also mimicking your family members AND sampling being in whomever's (the issue-ridden or Narc's) (mum's and a sibling?) shoes. Though their shoes are probably permanent ones now. Don't know...you'd have to tell me more. Anyway, Doubting happens in the chrysalis, it's part of the wing-strenghtening/practising phase (so that's where you're at). And if you weren't scared/panicked, you wouldn't beat so frantically, you see. (It's clever and pants at the same time, isn't it!) You just need to start collecting your tools, your uniform, and your particular posse. They're out there. Again - start with Wrong Planet dot com. Also read Jae's thread (about halfway down?) and V6079 (- hey, going by your names - you two might be related!) (haha - joke) (just trying to cheer you up). Both are Aspies. :) Jae: https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13545/what-should-i-do V: https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13650/i-cannot-imagine-a-woman-wanting-to-be-in-a-relationship-with-me "I also would like to admit that it is really difficult for me to express my emotions, how to identify them, how to talk about them, etc." I disagree. You're doing very well. Who told you or made you feel that? "Lately I have found a way to express them, but it may be a bit weird.." A bit Different. Say it 10 times. Or - as you're close to the merely Eccentric segment of the scale, you could be cool about it and say, 'A bit out there' or 'radical'. "I would act like a dog. If sad or disappointed I would winge. If I'm almost crying I want to howl. I continuously want to crawl on my boyfriend's and best friend's (who are the only ones with who I'm not too ashamed to act like this) lap. I feel like I can be myself when I am acting like a dog." Well, THEY clearly don't mind (probably find it cute and endearing) so - where's the problemo? If you collect your posse (starting with those two), all of them won't mind. 'Be who you are and say what you feel because those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind'. You have as much right to be Quite Unique You as anyone else. If you're worried about offending people - ASK them if you have/it would. Saying that, you're about to get your ID badge, so to speak, so you can just say, 'Soz if this sounds/comes across weird, it's just, I'm another Aspie' (you're all on the increase btw). Don't say 'an' Aspie as it makes you sound like a minority (not vital - just a tactic that helps). "The thing is, they both have jokingly said that I remind them of DID/MPD/Bipolar." Shows how much they know. "I took it as a joke," I take it as understandable ignorance. (I should rely on the psychiatrist's opinion - and a 2nd opinion to (why not!), not theirs...haha...bless.) Anyway - YOU'RE the expert on you, not them, not the psychiatrist, even. YOU. Keep reading up and you'll feel surer. "but after doing some research I don't really know what to think of it anymore. Is it a joke or are they unconsciously on to something?" Not unless they were very experienced psychiatrists. Are they? Answer: Nao. Well, then. "I told my mom about this and she told me not to worry, but I can't get it out of my mind." You're not supposed to. You're supposed to be anguished and beating those wings. Sorryyyyy. BUT IT'S SOOOOO WORTH IT! You won't mind. Bit like childbirth...you want someone to shoot you to put you out of your painful mind-f**k until - ta-daa - you see your product's little face and realise that your pain endurance got you that lifelong pressie. "I know that you can't diagnose someone over a text," Obviously not. But you can recognise and identify someone. See the differencio? "but maybe you could give me some advice?" Yep, no probs - make yourself comfy. I'm not on every day - although sometimes I am. I'm in Spain and everything's still very chaotic and doesn't work properly (and drives me MAD!). I can't even keep a bloody diary anymore (grumble-grumble)... "I am too scared to talk with my family doctor and psychologist about it," Oh, no - why scared? " so my only option would be to wait for an appointment with a psychiatrist, but who knows whether I will trust them enough.." Er... why wouldn't you? Do you get lied and gaslit to and Word-Salad-ed a lot? "Thank you for taking your time to read this message." And thank-you for taking YOUR time to say thank-you for taking your time. :) "Sincerely, Me" No-no - I'm Me. :D Anyhoo....thoughts on what I've crystal-ball-ed/mapped?

Autism - Who am I?

Default profile image
PS: Feel free to say 'Hi, fellow Aspie' at them! - and that I sent you. :) And if you want them to view or input on here - paste them your URL line thingy like I've done so they can simply click themselves over. Not sure if Jae's still 'active' though. But V is.

Autism - Who am I?

Default profile image
Hi SOULMATE, Thank you for taking your time and for answering. It means a lot :) I'm gonna try to answer everything, but I might get lost in my own text at some point so I'd like to apologise in advance xD I dont know if I have Asperger, considering that I have never been officially diagnosed. If I'm being honest, I don't read know the difference between the "types of autism", considering that they have all been combined to ASD, considering that everyone has different symptoms and ways of functioning and it got difficult to name every "type". I quickly searched up what some of the Asperger symptoms are, and I can relate with some, but not all. I for example find it difficult to relate to others and I have some difficulties having serious talks with people while keeping eyecontact, but I usually keep my (physical) distance from people (the opposite is described as a possible symptom). I see that the school and social trouble got understood a bit different than I meant πŸ™ˆ With school trouble I meant that the past year I have been studying Science and Technology, excellent grades, just lost interest. So I have decided to change to Arts. However, that also meant that my grades from Science are not going to count for anything anymore, leading to me losing motivation and an objective to even attend classes. With social trouble I mean that I have trouble making friends. I can get along with most people if needed and it's not like they treat me disrespectful (nor am I being bullied ❀️), but I will usually stay alone. I cannot easily get along with people my age. Usually I stick with younger kids or with older kids. I had 2 boys from my class I could get along with pretty good, one because he would be serious about the school works and never left me hanging, the other because we had similar interests (Weapons, Middle ages, Wars, Music, etc). I could get better along with them than the rest of my class, yet we don't know about each other and don't talk enough to call eachother properly friends. Then I've got my boyfriend, 1 year older, lovely guy. He has been helping me amazingly and we have been leaning on each other whenever we needed to, even before we got together (We became friends about 4 years ago and have been together for almost a year). He is one of the people who has been keeping me alive (unfortunately a bit too literally.. During this depression I have had quite some suicidal thoughts and did not always trust myself). Via him I also got some new friends, who turned 18 this year. With 3 of them I dont speak often since we go to different schools and I dont really know what to talk about, meaning that with most of my friends contact usually fades (especially via chat), not meaning that we like each other less. The other one can be a bit difficult to talk with, she usually is only online at 3 am, and never checks her chats. So lately I've just started calling her. But with her I'm pretty close, she is the friend I was talking about in the openingspost and is one of the few I would trust with my life. Then I have another friends with whom I initially was really close, but with whom I nowadays barely talk. Tho I trust her with secrets and such, she was more the kind to keep me up to date with the "normal" than with whom I would empty my heart. Apart from this I should probably mention one of the other big reason why I got depressed: Financial trouble. My parents are pretty low on income and that are feeding 4 kids (me and my younger brothers), so due to my "adult state", I pick up on a lot of those worries. "Coping mechanism: sport/athletics, preferably competitive running/jogging, or fun tantruming, otherwise known as, Trampolining. ;) Or just run around the block and back. Your depression will start to lift once you flush out the causal toxins the healthier, faster way. Are you grabbing and pulling at your hair or banging your head against a cupboard door out of injustice-rage and frustration? Don't do it if so, punch a cushion instead. Or fidget including playing with your fingers more (no picking/biting off skin, though!). Try knitting/crocheting as you listen to the radio...the click-clacking's very soothing, as is the fact it's a productive fidget. (I'd like a scarf, please, haha.) Meantime...try Boxing or Karate ('offensive-defensive'). Is there a club near you? You will OOZE Arnie-ness and predators (bullies) are always the first to smell that and give you a wide berth (bar the mega-arrogant maestro ones who love a challenge.....and then vow never to mess with an Aspie/HFAutie ever again, haha). They can smell you could (never mind if you never arrived in that situation) *actually* back/follow-through any threat. And bullies are cowards, meaning, don't pick on people mentally tougher/bigger than themselves at the time of initial targetting. They pick on smaller or the temporarily-situationally depressed/down. They get you "quick!" whilst you're down or mentally distracted/over-engaged." I'm copying it this time so it is easier to respond xD Unfortunately I have to "discard" this first paragraph. A few years ago I went to a couple of doctors with huge pain in my lower back/left hip. Turns out I have a herniated disc (L5-S1). Thanks to this sh*t I have had to stop with almost all sports except for swimming and I am not allowed to run nor jump anymore, and officially (tho this is something I have decided to ignore) not even pick up my brothers.. Luckily I haven't banged my head nor pulled my hair, I do have been chewing on my nails, tho that is something I have done since I was little kid. Luckily for me (a bit less luckily for my boyfriend πŸ˜‡) I have found a way to reduce that, by chewing on his pinky. Not hurt, bite skin off, etc. Just chew like chewing gum (which is something I don't have the money for), until he pulls his hand away because his pinky has become numb. I'll admit that I haven't knitted for a long time now, nowadays I'm mostly drawing traditional or on my drawing tablet, or diamond painting while listening to music. Nevertheless, I will see where my mom hides her yard and try it out again! This is actually something funny. Before I moved to Portugal (4 years ago per today!) with my parents and brothers I used to practice Krav Maga and Yoga once a week, and see a psychologist once per 2 weeks. This helped me a lot. When we moved to Portugal the money problems started and we moved to a place kinda in the middle of nowhere. For me that meant that I could not continue practicing and I usually let it out smacking dead wood against trees on our property. Tho please note that I never want to live in the Netherlands again. I love living here and purely want to go back on holidays 😊. Since we are living in Portugal, the mentality of most people here is different than mine/my family/my friends, so sometimes talking is a bit difficult. My doctor is very chaotic so it is sometimes difficult to talk to him and my psychologist is even more difficult. Like I can just tell my story, but usually if she doesnt understand something, she will treat me like a regular kid with problems that sound similar to her. For example: I told her a while ago that I had some trouble feeling at home. I don't recognise my parents home as my home anymore. Currently the most "home" for me is in my room with my boyfriend. She understood it as that I don't want anything else anymore but to be with my bf, which is completely normal for kids my age and that I have to do things at home that I like to feel me more at home, what things I have to figure out myself. While what I described to her wasn't that I didn't want anything else but to be with my bf, what I described was that I dont feel myself at home at my parents home anymore, making me feel "homeless" (not homeless as in someone without a roof, just not in the right place). Lately more and more of this "miscommunication" has occurred, and I'm getting criticism on the fact that my family sleeps early, even in the summer, due to cultural differences. Also I usually don't understand her tips, not that she is explaining it poorly, it just doesn't sound logical to me, meaning I can't understand it. For example: Last month of school. I want to bail because I don't see the reason of going to school. Grades won't count for anything. She tells me that I *have* to go to school because otherwise the police will pick me up. My mind: I'll f*cking decide for myself what I have to and dont have to. Plus, how long does it take for school to take action? They know my situation and they will first contact my parents before calling the cops. So as long as I don't overdo it the cops will never know. If someone is sick for 3 weeks (like happened earlier that year) it's not like they will stand at your doorstep. So her tips usually don't work with my kind of logic. The only reason that I'm still having sessions is to say a big part of what's on my mind, considering that she is the only child psychologist in the area I didn't want to ditch her (yet). And trust problems? Oh yes definitely had those. Parents had a friend which spoke Dutch and Portuguese, so she would be out translator so we could buy a property. Slept at her house with my at the time friend (her daughter) for weeks. Turns out she had been lying to us, leading to us losing lots of money. Then we have my bf's sister (with whom I'm currently fine, just don't trust her anymore with sensitive things) who was my best friend for years, who I have told my life story, including the downs, to. Turns out that half of her stories we're fake, she had used me to keep her money, because she wanted to start saving, turns out that that money was mostly stolen from her already poor parents. And these are just a few who have betrayed me/my parents. Combining this all I have some difficulty to easily trust people.. Anyways, thanks again for your response. Even tho your part about bullies wasn't relevant the way you put it still made my heart warm ❀️ I hope that I was able to answer most and give you some more context. I will take a look on the other pages tomorrow/this week. Have been sick the whole day, having to puke every half an hour so I should've been long asleep by now (past midnight) πŸ‘€ Goodnight!

Autism - Who am I?

Default profile image
"but I might get lost in my own text at some point so I'd like to apologise in advance xD" HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm laughing because you're talking to the world-champion rambler! I can go for REAMS! Anyhoo, it's only writing it down and not worrying about the organisation that you can be reading your thoughts and becauuse of that, next post, order your thoughts and THEN know what you want to say. 'To excel in the Arts and Engineering, a dash of Autism is essential'. I'm guessing, artistic/creative. Artists take in the data, then change its format to THEIR format before recording it on paper/canvas WHEREUPON they gain better understanding of what they're trying to say/express. Self-Feedback. And Engineers take things apart to analyse how they work and why. And Hans Asperger was an Aspergic and Aspergics go 'A or B' when, sorry, but we're too far evolved by now, not to be efficient in our outwards actions for gaining what our mind wants to produce or grab hold of, meaning (gasp!), (told ya), these days, the answer is usually, BOTH! Artistic/Creative AND Analytical to the Nth. BUT...rubbish in = rubbish out. Like a calculator. So we're going to have you learn to be more choosy about who gets to press your buttons. So -Stream of Consciousness awaaayyyyyyy! I can't answer this one yet, however, so I'll have to save it for tomorrow (haven't read past the first sentance yet).... because it's (jayzuz!) 2.30 and I haven't had supper yet! I wondered why I was hungry. (HAHA!) Hasta Manana!

Autism - Who am I?

Default profile image
Heya, haven't forgotten you - saving you mainly for tomorrow (er - later today) now because my connection weakened again, then I was busy/out (pre-arranged), and then - lucky me - from Friday late avo I came down with a bad tum and basically slept all day today (er, yesterday...Saturday). Only woke up at 9pm because my 'kid' rang. Feel better for it, though; was obviously just a 24-hourer, symptoms-wise (bar terrible sleepiness in the run-up), as I know precisely who I caught it from. Unbelievably, though, I'm starting to feel sleepy again! But, for now, I'll do a segment: (Still not reading ahead btw) "Hi SOULMATE, Thank you for taking your time and for answering. It means a lot :)" De nada! :) Thank-you for your lovely manners. They mean a lot, too. :) "I dont know if I have Asperger, considering that I have never been officially diagnosed. If I'm being honest, I don't read know the difference between the "types of autism", considering that they have all been combined to ASD, considering that everyone has different symptoms and ways of functioning and it got difficult to name every "type". I quickly searched up what some of the Asperger symptoms are, and I can relate with some, but not all. I for example find it difficult to relate to others and I have some difficulties having serious talks with people while keeping eyecontact, but I usually keep my (physical) distance from people (the opposite is described as a possible symptom)." ASD refracts through your personality as well as vice-versa, and so symptoms can be normal things magnified OR, shrunk. Easier to explain it like humans are Equalizer Boards (buttons/sliders galore for volume, tone, bass v treble, fade-in/out,...) lots of lots of controls making myraid variables (individual cocktails) per individual. E.g. the stereotype used to be the male, who tended to be reclusive and not sociable/talkative, as well as into his routines and rituals, but we now know from retro-diagnosis that Marilyn Monroe was one (hence became close friends with Einstein (she helped him handle the fame/spotlight while he was her dad figure), meaning, you can be unsociable all the way to very sociable. But where NT's dials and knobs only go up to 10, Aspies' go up to 11 and down to minus 1. Then there are the lack of filters that you have to adapt to (Senses Working Overtime), making everything so much more complicated. You can think outside of the box because you live outside of the box to begin with...COME from outside of the box. But you have incredible imagination, meaning, you can empathise just fine if shoes you've never yourself walked in are described and EXPLAINED. But I think if you're not sure, you're probably pretty low on the scale, yet still distinctively "different, but I can't put my finger on it", meaning, you'll have just a few traits (or traits remaining after self-socialising to NT ways). Tried-and-tested tip: Keep prolonged eye-contact by focussing on the top of their nose between both eyebrows; only another Aspie would be able to tell, so - win/win. "I see that the school and social trouble got understood a bit different than I meant πŸ™ˆ" That was my fault. I was rushing in-case the internet spat me out again. "With school trouble I meant that the past year I have been studying Science and Technology, excellent grades, just lost interest. So I have decided to change to Arts. However, that also meant that my grades from Science are not going to count for anything anymore, leading to me losing motivation and an objective to even attend classes." Oh, NOT being bullied. GOOD, then! Phew! Bloody Nora, though - 'strum my pain with your fingers', why doncha (- 70s Roberta Flack hit or early 90s cover by The Fugees - "Killing Me Softly"): My art teachers actually 'campaigned' on my behalf to get the Headmistress to allow me to give up Biology classes at least, so as to do extra Art lessons. (She said No 'or everyone would want one', but I got A+ in my O-Level anyway.) (That's a bit coinkydinky, ain't it??? Schpoookayyyy. Or maybe it's more common than I'd thought...?) Don't be so sure your prior grades won't count. Your first-ever employer is at liberty to ask for the info from your school file. But I'm with you on the 'now become meaningless' aspect. You'll have to just grit your teeth. OR...you could convert those Lemons to Lemonade by starting to apply what you learn in those lessons into contemporary paintings? "With social trouble I mean that I have trouble making friends." Ohhhh. So do most people, actually. There's a meme that goes something like: If only as an adult you could make friends like you did when you were little, like, go up to someone and say, 'Look at this pebble, it looks just like a potato!', and suddenly you're instant friends!' FYI, no-one makes friends. Friendships happen. Slowly and steadily but starting with genes recognising one another (personal Chemistry) whereby you both have the urge to swap numbers with a view to 'doing this again soon', and self-consciousness goes out of the window. But it helps to know yourself well, first (basically so that your curiosity is now freed-up enough to be directed at other people). "I can get along with most people if needed and it's not like they treat me disrespectful (nor am I being bullied ❀️), but I will usually stay alone. I cannot easily get along with people my age. Usually I stick with younger kids or with older kids." Do you find people your age boring and petty/superficial? In what ways do they annoy, perplex or discombobulate you? Or have you just got too much 'in there' to think about thus find their 'distractions' more interruptions that aren't worth it? Or are you just simply happiest in your own company, playing alone and/or unseen alongside someone? What is it about older and younger aged kids? Is it by any chance that you need a productive purpose and achievement to socialising/conversing, such as Learning and also 'at the same time', passing wisdom and knowledge on, i.e. Teaching? How much younger and older? What about phone texts/conversations? And TV/films/documentaries? Book-wise, are you into Fact and Faction, rather than Fiction? Does fiction feel like a lot about nothing and a waste of time? "I had 2 boys from my class I could get along with pretty good," (Scuse my pedantry but you've picked up a bad habit there and I feel it my duty not to let these spread: it's, along with pretty well.) (Feel free to pick me up on any.) Yeah, that's common. And it would be because in actual fact Autism/Asperger's is strictly a Male-brained condition. So you COULD be considered half-female, half-male, in the same brain but female body, which combo, once mastered, will give you a distinct advantage in life. "one because he would be serious about the school works and never left me hanging," Earnest, sincere, consistently reliable and dependable, you mean? (Probably a touch or more of ASD themselves, I shouldn't wonder.) And presumably that was mutual? Do you hate surprises, even 'good' ones? "the other because we had similar interests (Weapons, Middle ages, Wars, Music, etc)." Weapons and wars - there we go. "I could get better along with them than the rest of my class, yet we don't know about each other and don't talk enough to call eachother properly friends." So how would you - as the 'female' on whom they'd take their social cues (i.e. whose job or superiority it's seen as) - go about getting closer to them? Any ideas? "Then I've got my boyfriend, 1 year older, lovely guy." Excellent. You're either mild or he's touch-of, himself, hence the compatibility. "He has been helping me amazingly and we have been leaning on each other whenever we needed to, even before we got together (We became friends about 4 years ago and have been together for almost a year). He is one of the people who has been keeping me alive (unfortunately a bit too literally.. During this depression I have had quite some suicidal thoughts and did not always trust myself)." Rewind? Why were you feeling depressed and suicidal? When did it start and had anything happened in the run-up years? Can you be specific about having had to be adult before-time? And how long did this black spot last before lovely bf played human step-stool for you and gave you that vital lift? What method(s) were you considering? Did you ever actually imagine it in real-time, step-by-step, in your head, like a preview/pre-sampling? And did it freak you out enough to quickly 'turn the channel off/over'? "Via him I also got some new friends, who turned 18 this year. With 3 of them I dont speak often since we go to different schools and I dont really know what to talk about, meaning that with most of my friends contact usually fades (especially via chat), not meaning that we like each other less." I know what you mean. And it shows me that they considered you Leader thus Arranger, but that you were oblivious to that role-placement. So they took your not doing it for lack of interest on your part. Yeah, we're back to, not getting adequate/any feedback. But the good news is - you could always easily, instantly reignite them. But ask yourself this: do you tend to run out of things to talk about with bf? There's another potential reason as well - that they'd fancied you and were prepared to wait (went through the Platonic Friends Door)...but then when bf entered the scene and as time went on, showed he had no plans to leave it, they lost interest? I mean, at 16, 18, 20... that's (luckily decreasingly) mostly all that girlfriend-less and/or shy/socially a bit inept blokes think about: getting a girlfriend (stamp of social approval) and getting their first sh*g (boy into man) (- their perception, anyway) (never under-estimate the dumbing-down effect of Testosterone). "The other one can be a bit difficult to talk with, she usually is only online at 3 am, and never checks her chats." 3am? So she's a night-owl then? Are you? Or less so? "So lately I've just started calling her." Good for you - that takes huge bravery! "But with her I'm pretty close, she is the friend I was talking about in the openingspost and is one of the few I would trust with my life." Another Bingo, then? So that's two close connections via same wavelengths. Only one more to go! (And if you don't believe me, do the weekly practicalities Maths - you'll see! Friendships take work which takes making regular, quality time for each of them. Any more than 3 and either none will be close or you'll have dirty, unironed clothes and pong a bit, probably, haha, or accidentally Anoretic through having no time to food-shop, cook and eat.) "Then I have another friends with whom I initially was really close, but with whom I nowadays barely talk. Tho I trust her with secrets and such, she was more the kind to keep me up to date with the "normal" than with whom I would empty my heart." A stepping-stone (while you were in the same 'place') but where the umbilicuses are still healthy and intact - got it. You're only one connection short. You are SO wrong about not being good with people! Maybe you used to be? And I guess if you'd had adult crap in your In-Tray, your self-image WOULD be sorely out-of-date! Did your parents (eventually) get divorced, then? "Apart from this I should probably mention one of the other big reason why I got depressed: Financial trouble. My parents are pretty low on income and that are feeding 4 kids (me and my younger brothers), so due to my "adult state", I pick up on a lot of those worries." Ohhhhhh. And they've forgotten that despite intrinsically a born-adult, you still have only your age's knowledge, meaning, unable to handle this one because of lack of EXPERIENCE, but still the point being, you couldn't handle that and nor should you have (so tut-tut to them!). ""Coping mechanism: sport/athletics, preferably competitive running/jogging, or fun tantruming, otherwise known as, Trampolining. ;) Or just run around the block and back. Your depression will start to lift once you flush out the causal toxins the healthier, faster way. Are you grabbing and pulling at your hair or banging your head against a cupboard door out of injustice-rage and frustration? Don't do it if so, punch a cushion instead. Or fidget including playing with your fingers more (no picking/biting off skin, though!). Try knitting/crocheting as you listen to the radio...the click-clacking's very soothing, as is the fact it's a productive fidget. (I'd like a scarf, please, haha.) Meantime...try Boxing or Karate ('offensive-defensive'). Is there a club near you? You will OOZE Arnie-ness and predators (bullies) are always the first to smell that and give you a wide berth (bar the mega-arrogant maestro ones who love a challenge.....and then vow never to mess with an Aspie/HFAutie ever again, haha). They can smell you could (never mind if you never arrived in that situation) *actually* back/follow-through any threat. And bullies are cowards, meaning, don't pick on people mentally tougher/bigger than themselves at the time of initial targetting. They pick on smaller or the temporarily-situationally depressed/down. They get you "quick!" whilst you're down or mentally distracted/over-engaged." "I'm copying it this time so it is easier to respond xD" Thanks! "Unfortunately I have to "discard" this first paragraph. A few years ago I went to a couple of doctors with huge pain in my lower back/left hip. Turns out I have a herniated disc (L5-S1). Thanks to this sh*t I have had to stop with almost all sports except for swimming and I am not allowed to run nor jump anymore, and officially (tho this is something I have decided to ignore) not even pick up my brothers.." Ah! DID you now! Well that's enough to fall into depression on its own! And - OW. More swimming, then. to the power of the now-missing running and jumping. You can't have your body used to operating with certain dials set in certain positions (and Aspies love their routines) and then suddenly go Cold Turkey on it like that. Okay, you found another way (bf's support) but you ought to put it back via said swimming. Here - would that latter female close friend-confidant be up for a regular meeting every fortnight to go swimming together, followed by lunch? And for your system alone - try (available online) purchasing a copy of Calenetics (by Calan Pinkney). Anaerobic (no getting sweaty out-of-breath) exercise using weight-jigging (your own body parts) in positions that do not-CAN not involve your back, specifically designed via years of research and trial-and-error when she herself came a cropper that way. Not only works BUT you end up with a figure-skater's figure (!), all streamlined/longer-legged-looking and 'elegant'. IN ONLY 10 HOURS. And it improves your back by making its lazier cousins carry IT for a change, which, now-newly-pumped, those neighbouring groups of muscles are perfectly capable of doing and happy to do, giving the poor bugger a chance to at least partially recover (you're young). I know because I've done it. And guess what? I got a friend doing it with me once every week (ta-daa), and we'd started running out of things in-common as well. It didn't save the friendship but it extended it for a few more years. (Like I say, they might just be stepping stones aka circumstantial friends; it's matching morals, beliefs and life attitudes that make for-life friendships, fyi....in that order.) "Luckily I haven't banged my head nor pulled my hair, I do have been chewing on my nails, tho that is something I have done since I was little kid." Nervous energy displacement. YOU ARE UNDER-STIMULATED. "Luckily for me (a bit less luckily for my boyfriend πŸ˜‡) I have found a way to reduce that, by chewing on his pinky." HAHA!!! YOU'RE COOL! "Not hurt, bite skin off, etc." Yeah - obviously, LOL! "Just chew like chewing gum (which is something I don't have the money for)," Oh sh*t - seriously??? "until he pulls his hand away because his pinky has become numb." HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Well, at least we know HE loves you to uckery, don't we?! "I'll admit that I haven't knitted for a long time now, nowadays I'm mostly drawing traditional or on my drawing tablet, or diamond painting while listening to music. Nevertheless, I will see where my mom hides her yard and try it out again!" I presume you meant yarn? Haha. "This is actually something funny." Haha - quite a bit of it is, actually! Especially as now I can't help but keep picturing you chewing bf's pinky! And more to the point - him letting you! (Actually, you're technically a Cat type of human, not dog. More in-common.) "Before I moved to Portugal (4 years ago per today!) with my parents and brothers" Another coinkydinky! I moved to Spain almost 4 years ago! On my own (uck, it was scary!). And - ooh, you lucky-lucky ugger! (And never under-estimate the power of Vitamin D/sunshine as lacking just that, itself, can cause Depression faster than you can say, 'Not rain again?'.) "I used to practice Krav Maga and Yoga once a week, and see a psychologist once per 2 weeks. This helped me a lot. When we moved to Portugal the money problems started" Ah. Or had the money problems caused the need to move to a cheaper country in the first place? If not - whose initial decision and why? "and we moved to a place kinda in the middle of nowhere." AH. NOT good for someone your age and stage, those two together. "For me that meant that I could not continue practicing and I usually let it out smacking dead wood against trees on our property." Outdoors, presumably. Good instincts again. Β·Tho please note that I never want to live in the Netherlands again. I love living here and purely want to go back on holidays 😊." Oh, you come from the Netherlands! How interesting that you sound so English. You have better English than most English people now! And I ain't' kidding! And definitely American (*ducks in-case there are any Americans in da house*). "Since we are living in Portugal," ...Apart from that bit (haha, I spoke too soon). 'Since we've lived in Portugal' or 'Since we've been living in Portugal' or 'Since we moved to Portugal' or 'Since moving to Portugal'. Otherwise, your English is a-ma-ZING! Especially as I've just illustrated how CRAP the English-lang rules are! Snot our fault - too many invasions including language interference/take-overs. "the mentality of most people here is different than mine/my family/my friends," DEFINITELY. So how come boyfriend's different? " so sometimes talking is a bit difficult. My doctor is very chaotic so it is sometimes difficult to talk to him and my psychologist is even more difficult. Like I can just tell my story, but usually if she doesnt understand something, she will treat me like a regular kid with problems that sound similar to her." Bar the kid bit - I've got the same problem. Everyday Conversational Spanish, no problemo, but technical (contractors) and medical (doctor) - pff - not a chance! This is, however, par for the emigrating course. It's a HUUUUUGE culture-shock, moving your entire existence to a new country where things work VERY differently when you get closer-up. Well, your assessment will transform all of this difficulty through getting you to the right doctors and consultants. "For example: I told her a while ago that I had some trouble feeling at home. I don't recognise my parents home as my home anymore. Currently the most "home" for me is in my room with my boyfriend." It's not that your needs and developmental changes are different from the norm, because making your bedroom your whole world for a while is standard Teen stuff, but your feelings on these matters WILL be far more intense and debilitating. The epitomising saying, goes, 'After a difficult day at the office, a Neurotypical will feel upset, but an Aspie will feel suicidal'. Then add 16-yr-old hormones, a LOT of self-perception and -intimacy catching-up to now at-record-speed, meaning, your studies, your relationship.... you iz overloaded yet under-stimulated and definitely lacking actual, giggle your face off fun. Too many chores, not enough R&R. Any chance you could get a cash-in-hand, after-school or Saturday job, locally? It's transformative, getting your first-ever job, and a 16-year-old should have some money. Is bf in the same penniless boat? "She understood it as that I don't want anything else anymore but to be with my bf, which is completely normal for kids my age and that I have to do things at home that I like to feel me more at home, what things I have to figure out myself. While what I described to her wasn't that I didn't want anything else but to be with my bf, what I described was that I dont feel myself at home at my parents home anymore, making me feel "homeless" (not homeless as in someone without a roof, just not in the right place). " Yuh. I first-hand get it. You are with-house but homeless. But you do have your bedroom. So have you and bf decoratated and made it your own? Have your parents failed to do that to the rest of the house? Are you sure 'your' depression is even yours and not your parents? They say Aspies are lacking in empathy but that's ollocks, they have TOO much and have to 'just not go there' or can end up 'carrying' the problems and expressing the emotions of everyone around them (super-sensitive radar plus huge empathy of the sentimental variety) (but a mental control switch over that empathy, which is a VERY rare auto-pilot skill/ability, same as Selective Deafness). "Lately more and more of this "miscommunication" has occurred, and I'm getting criticism on the fact that my family sleeps early, even in the summer, due to cultural differences." Criticism from whom? Is your house by any chance located in amongst the 'simple, country folk/peasants'? Well, listen, because - for your supposed age and clearly unbeknownst to you, it takes a good FIVE years to adapt as quickly and positively as you have, so - you're fast! I mean - a lovely bf no less! That's a super-friendship, that is, far harder and more work than platonic. You're actually super-functional. In 2006-7 there were only 11 known super-functional, super-self-aware Aspies in Europe. That's how rare you are. And you get on super-well with, presumably, a Portuguese lad? Then evidence suggests it's more the place. It's obviously so different from the Netherlands (hah, just a tad?!) that you've got a heck of a lot of serious adapting to get through. And it's distressing to Aspies because they're Limpets...happy to stay on the same rock for years so, wrenching it off causes it huge distress...until it's plonked onto another rock where in fact it re-roots and adapts far quicker than non-limpets. Comme ci, comme ca. "Also I usually don't understand her tips, not that she is explaining it poorly, it just doesn't sound logical to me, meaning I can't understand it." Then, course not. "For example: Last month of school. I want to bail because I don't see the reason of going to school. Grades won't count for anything. She tells me that I *have* to go to school because otherwise the police will pick me up. My mind: I'll f*cking decide for myself what I have to and dont have to. Plus, how long does it take for school to take action? They know my situation and they will first contact my parents before calling the cops. So as long as I don't overdo it the cops will never know. If someone is sick for 3 weeks (like happened earlier that year) it's not like they will stand at your doorstep." Yeah, only your typically Aspie transparency has already had you tipping them off, meaning, you now won't be able to pretend you're ill. They'll know it's fake. Plus - I agree with you that it's your life but it's not your societal structure and Establishment so in order to own control over your own life to that degree you'd have to relocate to......er............deepest, darkest Borneo?....Mars? (is it ready yet?)... See the vexing difference? How long do you have left? And what are you planning on doing once you leave? "So her tips usually don't work with my kind of logic. The only reason that I'm still having sessions is to say a big part of what's on my mind, considering that she is the only child psychologist in the area I didn't want to ditch her (yet)." I wouldn't ditch her at all if she works as a listening ear, regardless of not understanding what your words and sentances mean when an Aspie says them. But I think you'll find most 16-year-olds have that thought/feeling. Again, you feel them more deeply (as does Greta Thumberg about the planet) whereby they're protest-campaign-worthy. You can't use your superpowers there, however, for the simple reason that you're outnumbered. Unless you go all the honest way by explaining your situation to your Head Teacher and offering to do office-work for him/her instead? As long as you're ATTENDING/not ABSENT, is what they care about in these last few months. Plus, students leaving early, unable to stomach just a few more months, would reflect badly onto the school via their stats, as could suggest things ominous (abusive culture e.g.). "And trust problems? Oh yes definitely had those. Parents had a friend which spoke Dutch and Portuguese, so she would be out translator so we could buy a property. Slept at her house with my at the time friend (her daughter) for weeks. Turns out she had been lying to us, leading to us losing lots of money." Woah. Narc-Sociopath scammer. However, that is typical for new immigrants. Probably is happening to any foreigners in the Netherlands as we speak. The social predators see them as more prey for exploitation....using and conning them like cash cows. And then discarding them when fresh newbies land. Which is happening all the time. It's been the same here. I've ended up having to pay a second time for things...attempted financial exploitation left, right and centre. Finally got a posse of Keepers in terms of trade and newly-best friends, which makes a huge difference because each of these are safety handrails, anchors and safetynets, the sorts of things that help you take root and feel at home. So it's the locational isolation due to/plus lack of money that are your immediate challenges/goals, then. I'll do your boyfriend's sister onwards tonight as I'm falling asleep at my puter. And then we'll brainstorm about how to make some dosh. HF Aspies are good at that...natural-born entrepreneurs. But you wouldn't have known that before now, having been Girl, Interrupted (as in, delayed by parental/adult crap and inadequacies that has no place being in a kid's In-Tray but these days, unfortunately, still keeps getting dumped there). Also, your Captain Kirk needs encouraging out - you're bit Mr Spock-heavy in there at the mo. Like not being able to marry the correct belief that you should be the captain of your own ship and where it should be allowed to wander versus but if we don't conform to the societal map, the ship will crash! Follow the map but whenever no-one's looking - dart down the side-alleys for a bit. Neither are difficult. :) Especially for a rebel like you. One who's recovered enough power and energy to be capable, finally, of rearing up and yelling - I ain't 'avin' any more of this abusive and neglectful sh*t! Night! (er - Morning!) PS: And how are your parents? And their relationship? Have they consulted with a lawyer about this scamming so-called Gestor yet? Or are they still on the floor?

Autism - Who am I?

Default profile image
Hi again! Thanks again ❀️ Glad you're feeling better! Being sick is (almost) always annoying. (Except when you can miss useless classes :)) No worries about the misunderstanding, I like your way of talking. It is easier to answer from top to bottom, unlike most people I know do, it also makes it easier to understand. I'll give a bit more information about the grades: The scale goes from 1-20. 1st semestre I had 17 for Portuguese and philosophy, 16 for pe and biology/geology, 19 for English and physics/chemistry and 18 for math. Way above average. So it would matter if it would drop a bit, because they would still be excellent (my final grade would be the average of the whole year, so my high grades covered for the 8-9's I got on the tests during the 2nd semestre (I was too lazy to finish the tests..)). I ended with a 20 for English, 18 for philosophy, pe and math, 17 for Portuguese and physics/chemistry and 16 for biology/geology. So it would not really have any bad influence on my work xD The problem with people my age is that I usually dont understand them or have any similar interests. Most girls will go on and on about makeup, clothes, boys, etc. I dont use makeup unless I go to a party (then I will use at max some mascara and the thing you "paint" your eyelids with.) And I am almost never sexually interested in boys. I am sexually (not romantically!) attracted to girls. I think there was only 1 guy (apart of my bf) I was sexually attracted to, without having any romantical attraction. Younger kids: I like to take care of others, I have got 3 younger brothers (2, 7 and 10). Usually I can easily get along with kids. It helps that I explain things, like why they can't do X, because I know that is something I need too. I can usually easier relate to them and I know what I would've wanted that others would've done in those situations. Last year I did multiple activities with kids my brothers' ages at school, I volunteered at the summer childcare centre and I got hired to take care of kids during a wedding. It is something I have always done and which comes naturally. Older people: I am talking about a few years older like my boyfriend and some of my friends but also people in their 20s and "proper" adults, and sometimes (depending on the cultural differences) with oldies. Due to my adult behaviour I can easily get along with them and understand them. I usually don't like texting, the only one I feel free to do that with is with my boyfriend. There have been times I wanted to text someone or send an email and that when my parents read it I got told that I was being too blunt/direct. I do not always understand how certain things will appear over texts, or even face to face, so I prefer face to face so you also got the nonverbal communication. I like to watch documentaries, about nature but also about wars. I like very different styles of films and series. I like things like anime but also fantasy, historical, stories about life, cartoons (both things like Lucky luke (like for kids), but also like Hazbin hotel (adult cartoon). Ever since my brother threw tea over the television to get Gargamel away and to save the Smurfs I've never had a TV with channels, but usually I use torrents to illegally download them if someone recommends something. I love reading, and I actually prefer fiction. I love getting into a fantasy world and making and reading such stories. Could you please clarify the bad habit you're referring too, I did not really understand that part 😊 I did not know that autistic women are often more masculine, but that would explain a lot. I always thought that the "violent" interests were because of my dad. I usually watch and play shooters and swordfighting games with him. He is so serious about school because he needs extremely high grades. He wants to (or his parents want him to, idk) study medicine, which is the hardest course to get into. Remember how I said that the scales go from 1-20? In the past years I think that the person with the lowest grade which got into the course had about an 18,3.. And yes, usually we would do the work together while the third person would just watch unless we asked her to do something. Surprises: Depends on what kind of surprise. Presents and such are fine, but someone visiting, even if it is my grandma all the way from the Netherlands I will take a couple of days to adjust. As for getting closer with them, I don't know. I don't really feel the need to. I like that we can just talk about things in a natural way without having the feeling that we "have to" talk. Depression and suicidal thoughts: Last year I had the incident with my bf's sister and I found out that my grades wouldn't count (9th grade, teachers literally said they wouldn't count for the future. Only the highschool grades count), which led to me having no reason to actually do something during class. I always got these high grades without studying, I don't even know to study. So I got bored and lost motivation. On a scale of 1-5: Spanish, Science, Portuguese, English, Chemistry/physics, Geography and maybe I am missing some, but all 5's, only had a 4 for pe. Anyways, the lack of motivation and self doubting caused by the incident led to a minor depression and panic attacks. I started talking to a social worker and that was also when I started my talks with the psychologist and I managed to get mostly out of it. This January I decided that I wanted to change schools and areas (science to arts). I knew that I couldn't change areas anymore this year, only in September, but I did not know that I couldn't change schools anymore. So I spoke with my parents, friends, teachers, had it all planned. Then the secretary told me that I couldn't, only per September. So that was a bummer and I lost motivation and goal. And in my mind, without goal I don't see why I should live and be a burden on others. Everyone was trying to help me, my parents spent money on me. I felt like a huge burden. I calmed myself down with fire, I bought a couple of lighters and I would just stare at the flame. Until my boyfriend took them from me because I was burning my hand and my schoolbooks (but he gave me a candle for my bday so I could still see fire). I have had multiple times that I would be scared of myself. During my previous depression I had tried cutting myself with stones (they ain't sharp so the wound would be worse), never managed to tho, and drop heavy stones on my feet to punish me, which I didn't manage to do either because of involuntary reflexes.. This depression I have had multiple times that I would try to cut myself with pencils (not with my knives (yes I got my own and I brought them to school just out of rebellion until my bf found out and took them during school times whenever I brought them, taking the whole reason to bring them away), because I didnt want them to be taken away). And I have run to school a couple of times because I was about to jump in front of a bus. My family, friends and bf were the only reason for me to live. Not even because I wanted them (after all, I felt like a burden), but because I did not want to hurt them by committing suicide. Over the chat we easily run out of things to talk about, but I dont always feel the need to talk to be happy together, and nor does he, I can just lay in his arms and watch a video together and we're happy, hoping for that feeling to never end. Those other friends all were straight girls (except for one of them who has a double personality, one of them is male the other female), so it never even crossed my mind. The nightowl (she's Ace btw) actually has ADHD and has some insomnia problems. Also due to school she's busy the whole day and only has time around that time. My parents are absolutely fine. Married for 18 years now and still love eachother deeply. They never asked or needed me to take the adult role in the family btw, it is something I did automatically and unconsciously. Same goes for the money problems. I only told them yesterday that I had put money in their wallet without them noticing last year, and they insist on paying it back. They never intended to stress me with any of this, but they also know that not telling me and leaving it up to my imagination just makes me stress more. I will look into the Calenetics! Never heard of it! I have been talking to my mom about the chewing and it might exactly be caused by the autism. Oral fixation/stimming or some such. We are considering buying one of those necklaces to chew on for at home/in private and they might be able to give me chewing gum for when in public, but we only had the conversation yesterday so we did not really get the chance to dive into it. And yes I meant yarn πŸ™ˆ You're kidding! To which area did you move? We were actually financially good and we had a good start when we came here, wasn't it for that "translator". We paid her, we had already paid money for the first property (which we ended up not buying) and later for a lawyer. And then we had to still buy another property, but during that time we also had to live somewhere, meaning that we have rented a house for quite a while. The moving to Portugal was my parents decision, but we all knew about it and could think with them about what area, we actually went on a roadtrip from north to south in 2018. On that trip I was the first to say that I would like to live in the area we currently are, and they thought the same but just hadn't said it out loud yet. So even tho I miss some "teen facilities", this is really the area of Portugal I like. It is funny that you say that I sound American. Because my pronunciation is actually British, even tho both my parents talk with an American accent (dad cuz he prefers it, mom cuz she lived in the usa for a year). At school they teach us British English and my boyfriend has British parents, so we always talk in English xD. It is also one of the reasons why he is different btw, firstly because he went through a lot of bad stuff but also because he isn't Portuguese. My bedroom is awesome btw, my parents did their best to make it like I wanted it to and I really like it. Parents are always supportive too and I don't have a lot of chores because I already have a lot to do. Usually just the dishes, and I have to take care of my bird and room ofc. In Portugal they actually have a sh*tty rule that you can only work when you're 16, which I turned about a week ago.. But in this area we don't care so when I was 13 I was helping build a roof for a couple of days during the summer holidays, last year I worked in a bar during the summer holidays and this schoolyear I have been working for an old German guy in the garden on Saturdays. Apart from that I work for my dad's sharpening business, I signed up for a thing from the local government to gain some extra money and I am currently searching for a job for this year. It sounds like a lot, but I get paid about 5/hour.. So at the end of the month I don't have a lot left xD And yes, bf and his family have financial problems too. He actually works for the same German as strong guy, since the German has back problems and I am a girl (yup, he's old..and paranoid. You don't want to know what sh*t he keeps saying). I have always been really sensitive to other peoples emotions and often copy them. My parents feelings have certainly had impact on my depression, but it is not their fault either. This depression is big part also mine. Criticism from my psychologist.. And yes, we live just outside a small village in the country area. School ended for me begin june and I have to go back mid september, so that concern is done. I will start on my new school in the new area. Thanks again for taking your time and I'm looking forward to your next response! ❀️

Autism - Who am I?

Default profile image
Just correcting something πŸ™ˆ "Way above average. So it would NOT matter if it would drop a bit, because they would still be excellent (my final grade would be the average of the whole year, so my high grades covered for the 8-9's I got on the tests during the 2nd semestre (I was too lazy to finish the tests..))."

Autism - Who am I?

Default profile image
Hey again! Not ignoring you, just super-busy at the mo. Be with you asap.

This thread is due to expire in 51 days

B-4