I don’t want him back, but I keep painshopping

Apologies for the long post. Nine months ago, my (27F) ex (25M) dumped through text while I was begging on the phone. Just hours before, he told me he loved me and couldn’t live without me. When I called for clarity, he refused to speak and kept typing while I cried. We met on Reddit and were long-distance for most of our nearly 1.5-year relationship. He first messaged me when I was struggling with something personal, and we became close friends. After he broke up with his LDR ex (who I didn’t know existed at the time), things between us escalated. I caught feelings but held back because of his recent breakup, until he told me he was in love with me. The connection felt intense and different. I usually avoid fast-paced relationships, but this felt like an exception. I felt seen in a different way. The relationship was emotional and toxic at times, mostly due to both our mental health struggles, but it also felt really good. He told me I was his soulmate early on and later said he wanted to marry me. I believed him, so when he dumped me via text, it destroyed me. I felt discarded and blamed myself for everything. I stayed in NC, focused on therapy, and blocked him on everything except Reddit, where he had already blocked me first. Months later, a friend told me my ex had been texting him, asking about me and saying he was miserable and missed me. Then on Christmas Eve, he randomly messaged me a breadcrumb which I ignored. He later apologized for sending the message, but I still didn’t reply or block him. I just wanted to focus on moving forward and muted my social media notifications to work on my mental health. About a month ago, I left a comment on my main account about my experience and reflections with the breakup. It was neutral and honest, but I didn’t name him or attack him. A few days later, while clearing out message requests, I found out he unblocked me and had been sending me messages for months—birthday wishes, life updates, and asked for favors, but the most recent ones were aggressive. He found my Reddit comment and completely lost it. He accused me of faking everything, swearing at me, and even sending a photo of a couple-themed tattoo he got of us after dumping me. I didn’t reply, so he kept going. I eventually broke NC to set boundaries. I told him the comment wasn’t malicious, called out his constant messages, the tattoo, aggression, and told him not to contact me again. After that, I went to his Reddit profile to block him and saw posts and comments about still loving me, which made everything feel even more twisted given how he left. The whole thing honestly reopened the wound. Eventually, with more therapy, my mental health improved. I finally turned my social media notifications back on. That’s when I accidentally opened a message from a girl my ex was talking to after I mistook her name for a friend’s. I realized his Instagram was still logged into my phone from months ago when he borrowed it during a trip. He shared his login with me back then (just like he did with his ex), saying he had “nothing to hide.” I never checked it until now. I know I shouldn’t have looked and I’m not proud of it, but what I saw shook me. I know he rarely used IG, but he recently ended up using it to talk to her after she deleted her Reddit account. Their chats showed him spamming her with messages and being sweet to her, but I saw that quickly after I set that boundary, he dialed the sweetness up—calling her “my princess” (a nickname he used for me), called her other possessive nicknames and used the same intense tone he used early on with me. She replied in a way that felt more polite and platonic (even called him a friend). It felt calculated to me, like he was trying to repeat the same pattern. From what I saw, they met and started talking on Reddit while he and I were still together. He never told me about her, even though we would always share whenever we made new friends. That’s when it hit me: was I love-bombed? I heard the term before, but I don’t fully grasp it. He used to tell me that no one made him feel the way I did, and that the things he said to me are exclusive to only me, but I don’t know if that’s real anymore. I usually clock such behavior, but this felt different. I truly thought our connection was real. Now I wonder if he was just monkey-branching from one person to the next, feeding the same script to each girl. He did something similar with his ex too which led to an argument back then, but he denied it. I even feel concerned for the girl he’s messaging, because it looks like he swooped in while she was also struggling mentally. He would even ask her if he helps or takes away her pain just like he did with me. Even though I don’t love and want him anymore, I feel messed up. It’s been months since the breakup, and I thought I healed, but now I’m filled with anger at him for everything and myself for giving him a chance. I feel robbed. Like I gave so much of myself to something that might have been fake. I also hate that I’m still painshopping. I haven’t logged out of his account even though its wrong and I really know I should. I keep looking for closure, for some kind of confirmation that things were real or not or if he emotionally cheated. I want peace and to stop circling back. I just don’t know how to actually let it go. I know I shouldn’t care because he’s my ex, but the whole thing is making me question reality. I need some advice and encouragement :( TL;DR: My ex love-bombed (?) me, dumped me over text, then did the exact former thing to another girl. Now I’m spiraling if anything he said to me was ever real or not.

This isn't going to be pretty. You've been caught by a classic controller, the type that have been around since time immortal but these days with the Inet, it's just that much easier for them to troll whoever is gullible enough to fall for their bs. He's pretty much an accomplished manipulator & guy who gets off on other's misery. Forget about him being IN love with you as his actions tell you he wasn't. This guy isn't your ex yet as you've allowed him to still be in your life even though you reckon you've finished with him. Your anger & hurt just keeps on going as you haven't shut the door because you're still looking for a resolution to it all. He can't give you any answers because you're not on his radar unless you knock on his door again. Your biggest challenge is trying to understand how you've been caught up in his scam along with others as well, as you post. People often make a mistake of waiting for the other to give them closure & the likes of this guy will never give you closure. Stop looking over your shoulder & start blocking this guy & deleting & logging out of all accounts which relate to him. Why put up with the anger & the misery which is partially generated by you not deleting him & his stink out of your life? Take your thoughts further & realise that the past is for learning from & not for living in. But in the meantime, be kind to yourself & stop beating yourself up. Get your chin up, set new boundaries & do what you have to do to find the happiness in your life.

Thank you for such a detailed and thoughtful reply. You brought me comfort and lessons all at once which I truly appreciate. I guess it’s just the knowledge of being duped that’s hard for me, but you are right that I should let go because its not serving me any good. I don’t deserve it either. Once again, thank you amd have a wonderful day/night!

Hi again, Gnarly, nice to see you back! Agree completely with Manalone. This bozo's type - going by, amongst other things, the large number of potential girlfriends in every port he has - sounds like a narcissistic sociopath (the 'petilly' cruelest, most vengeful, most spiteful - even just for laughs). They deliberately leave you badly wanting and needing to chase Closure (via them). It's the biggest hook for getting a grip on to yank you back (any time he needs anything - a shag, attention, validation, monehy, favours, to make another gf jealous, whatever). But he still wouldn't ever give you that closure, even if you so-called reconciled (ugh). But stop worrying because you've NOT gone backwards, you're speeding-up fowards (which is disturbing) - you're still healing - HENCE, the previously-delayed Anger Stage has now activated. I mean - how can you pass through this vital, mandatory healing stage if you're not even sure whether or not you've been played and used thus EVEN NEED to express anger? Now you are sure (everything you said/suspect is correct, well done), so now you CAN. Good! Because I reiterate: there'll be no completing this particular Grieving/Recovery Path if you don't. You need a damn good vent, lass. Sl*g him off here, go on. He deserves it and you need to rant the last of him out (the stupid, nasty, out-of-order, mental-emotional cripple!).

Oh, and being duped just proves you're top shelf. They don't want dross - they think they're superior and special so, why would they. It's a perverse compliment (and everything in LaLa Land is perverse....Opposites Day Land), it really is. There is something about you, "Mary". :) Don't take it badly, therefore (especially as you escaped by *staying* dumped - "thlup!" - Gold Star for fantastic bravery and determination, missus!). Feel GOOD that you've been provably tested as being, not just a normal-healthy (regardless of any temporary emotional issues), but the most truly superior 'breed' on the plant: A Giant Empath. :) SO strong and resourceful you can share your ego and energy to support others. He, on the other hand, is a giant poo who fancied his chances at bagging a Beaut while she was down and distracted (and not yet well-versed in NPD red flags) - as well as affection-starved - because on a good 'day', you ticketyboo, he wouldn't have stood a chance! Nobody but nobody chooses to be with a Narc. They "TURN INTO" a Narc when they feel they've got you safely, thoroughly, extra-deeply, thereby precariously, potentially fatally, HOOKED! Excising them from you and your life feels at the time like having to chew off your own foot to escape the hunter, doesn't it. (((((victory) HUG)))))) Stick with us, kiddo. You are now "Woke" and could help LOADS of others AVOID these stupid-but-welfare-ruinous bozos.

By the way - talking of lack of Closure (;)) - what happened with P? Your thread's still open, look? https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13900/i-feel-abandoned-after-standing-up-for-my-boundaries-with-a-friend (By all emans have your rant first, though. The Closure is hiding in the form of tiny, little jigsaw pieces but until you expel those toxins ('ava rant), they won't be able to float to the surface, settle into place, and build that Closure picture for you - as in, what he really meant/felt when he said (lied) this/that, etc.... all the niggly details.

Sorry - edit - 'to escape the hunter's trap'.

Hi again, Gnarly. Soulmate was keen to notice you had posted here before, and I wonder if any of the people you mentioned in that thread were this scam-artist? Manalone pretty much knocked it out of the park. Fact of the matter is, there are people who are these control-freaks and want you when they want you, and toss you aside when they don't, like you're some object. And chances are good that's what happened here. You don't want drama, so just block/cold-shoulder and move forward with your life. He might fool other people, but you won't be one of them again.

Excellently put, Balance!

What do you think now, Gnarly?

(Quick aside to Manalone: sorry your banner hasn't changed yet, it's a lot more fiddly for Richard, programming-wise, than I'd realised and he's got a lot on his plate just lately. ...When, not If. :))

Thank you so much your reply! @SOULMATE I apologize for responding just now. I got a bit busy and it was admittedly, a bit difficult for me to navigate around the mobile version of this site. I have been feeling better and things with P are good now as well.

@Gnarly I understand about it being awkward to use the mobile version of Peoples' Problems. The site's lead told me about the "Jump down page" and "Jump up page" buttons which I had been completely oblivious to at first, and that helps a lot for longer threads that have been going on for a while. It's also just nicer to be able to sit at a keyboard and type out responses, and to be looking at a large computer monitor instead of a little phone screen. Still, I think the mobile phone version of the site works pretty good for what it is. I am glad we can access it on the go. Glad to hear that things are going positively in all of your ongoing situations.

Hey Gnarly, Thanks for the update (and we don't mind slow responses...slow and steady wins this race). Glad you're feeling a lot better. But the offer stands, if you ever feel a rant coming on. :) ...or beat-up your sofa throw-cushions (their little-known side-function)? :D Or you could buy one especially and draw his face on it...that one works even better. Also works well to TELL them that if they try later down the line to Hoover you ("I've got a cushion I drew your face onto" / "Why - because you miss me?" / "No. To punch every night." ......so I've heard. ;D